Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Having lost his father during childhood, one man is moved to write a book to help other kids deal with the daunting emotions of grief

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Grief comes in waves.When you lose someone you love—especially at a young age—it feels like you’re left forever standing at the shoreline of heartache. Some days, the tide is gentle, like wavelets brushing your ankles. Other days, it hits like a tsunami.

As an adult, you learn to expect the ebb and flow. You find ways to stay grounded, to move with the tide. The ups and downs. Loss gives depth and meaning to life. It helps to put all things into perspective. It’s—eventually—quite beautiful.

But as a child, when that first wave breaks, it’s different. You don’t know how to brace yourself. You’re pulled beneath the surface—disoriented, overwhelmed, unsure if you’ll ever make it back to shore.

When you’re a kid, you don’t have a map for emotions that big. You don’t know the waves will come and go—that you’ll survive the ups and downs. Stories, mentors, and moments of gentle guidance become like lighthouses. They don’t stop the storm, but they help you orient yourself.

I believe children are more emotionally intelligent than they’re often given credit for. They feel things deeply. They understand more than we think. But what children don’t always have is perspective.

When you’re young and in pain, you don’t know that time heals. You don’t know that the storm passes. That’s why guidance is essential—not just through parents and counselors, but through stories that act as guideposts through unfamiliar emotional terrain.

Stories give shape to the feelings you can’t name. They offer hope, connection, and perspective when everything inside feels lost and unfamiliar. That’s the gift of storytelling—and the reason I wrote The Mood Swing.

My father died when I was ten years old. He was a Major in the United States Army, a highly decorated member of Delta Force, and was buried with full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery—the 21 gun salute, the folded America Flag, the pall-bearing, and the military band. He was an American hero, having lived a life of bravery and service, but he was also my hero.

I’m 30 years old now, but 20 years ago, when I was a kid, with the fresh wound of his passing, I had no idea if the new feelings I was experiencing would ever go away. My hero was gone and the light had gone out in my life.

My mom did everything she could to give me strength and stability, but I was fighting an invisible war inside my own head—one I didn’t know how to talk about. At recess, I looked around and felt like my friends were living on a different planet: theirs, the happy one. Mine, the sad one.

My world had turned dark and gray. The sadness and anxiety were so constant, I remember thinking: Is this just how life is now? Every day felt heavy, like I was carrying something no one else could see and I had no idea if it would ever end. My grief counselor called it “The Blue.”

I actually didn’t understand the loss of my father for quite some time. I just remember being sad because everyone was sad around me. Sad for me. The most visceral part for me—the hardest part—was that I was terrified something would happen to my mom.

My grief manifested as anxiety.

If my mom didn’t answer the phone, I would spiral—calling her coworkers just to hear someone say, “She’s in a meeting, she’ll call you back.” My imagination took over, inventing all the worst-case scenarios: maybe she was in a car accident… maybe she got robbed at the gas station… maybe she was kidnapped.

My vivid imagination was cultivated in a battleground of fears.

Loss gives us curses, but we can turn them into superpowers. My active imagination that developed from anxiety after my dad died once fueled my nightmares, but now that same imagination fuels my dreams. Today I live in Los Angeles, where I make my living writing movies, books and directing films and television. The tools for my work as a writer and filmmaker were sharpened at this difficult time of my life without me even realizing it. The “curse” I felt from that early loss, became my superpower.

The Mood Swing is my first children’s story, my most personal project, and my love letter to all the kids whose hearts are hurting. To say: You’re not alone. It will get better. And that pain and emptiness you’re feeling… will one day be filled with something special, and become your greatest strength.

It took time, support, and an entire village to help heal my heart. To turn my curse into a superpower. Teachers, family, friends, and even other dads stepped in to guide me—often without knowing how much it meant. I also had stories. Stories gave me hope. Stories gave me language for the big feelings I didn’t yet understand. They were maps out of the quicksand I was stuck in.

That’s the ancient power of myth. Since the beginning of time, stories have been tools for healing—ways for elders to pass down wisdom, to help the next generation navigate what they’re going through.

That’s why books that help children explore and name big emotions matter.

That’s what I hoped to offer with The Mood Swing—a bit of comfort, a touch of whimsical magic, and ultimately a new way to think about loss. If even one child, sitting alone with sadness they don’t yet understand, can read The Mood Swing and feel a little less alone—then it’s done its job.

Grief continues to visit throughout my life—at milestones, in quiet moments—but it carries a different feeling now. Something quieter. Less shattering. It doesn’t take me under anymore. Now when I look up at the night sky and see the brightest, twinkling star, I think of my dad. I feel more connected to the Universe, and to the hidden magic fabric that connects us all.

You may also enjoy reading Everyone’s Okay: The Aftermath of Trauma When a Child Loses a Parent, by Reginald L. Reed, Jr.

The post The Mood Swing: A Love Letter to Grieving Kids appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Establishing boundaries around your time and commitments is a self-care practice that leads to greater freedom, integrity and alignment

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We all know we can give too much and do too much for others. So often we respond reflexively to a request which can lead to taking on too much. Does this sound familiar? Have you said yes to doing something at someone’s request and regretted it later? While saying yes can make you feel needed and valued, saying it too often can lead to taking on more than you can handle and feeling overwhelmed.

Many of us have trouble saying no because we think it’s not okay to disappoint others, or we are concerned about what others will think. We are easily blown off course by the winds of others’ expectations, or our own insecurities.

Learning to say no is an acquired skill that has to be cultivated. The more you say it, the easier it becomes. The easier it gets, the less guilty you’ll feel. First, it’s important to decide on the criteria you’ll use so your choices are not based on guilt or obligation. Determining what you are not going to commit your time and energy to will make it easier to say no. When you are clear about what things you will not do, they should be nonnegotiable. You have to be willing to disappoint others to honor your commitment to yourself.

You have the right to say no—and you don’t have to be overly apologetic.

When you say no it affirms that you know your needs matter too. Being able to say no means you have divested yourself from believing your worth is tied to how much you give. By giving yourself permission to say no you get to do more of the things that really matter to you. When you’ve filtered out the things that matter least, you have more time to say yes to the things that are most important to you. Before you say yes make sure there it is not at a significant cost to you. It may help to consider asking yourself these questions before acquiescing to a request:

• It is important?
• Am I the only one who can do it?
• Is it something I want to do?
• Would my heart be in this?
• Would I be doing it for the right reasons?

When you choose your yeses mindfully, then you can say yes with utmost certainty, sincerity, and enthusiasm. As is usually the case, the first step in learning to say no is to pause to create a gap between your automatic reaction and a discerned response. It gives you time to reflect and make the decision that’s the best course of action for you.

Here are 10 strategies you can use to soften the impact and help you say no with confidence and conviction.

10 Strategies for Saying No

1. Don’t say maybe when you know you want to say no.

If you do, it will just drag it on. You’ll keep feeling the pressure. Take a few deep breaths. This will give you a chance to collect your thoughts so you can decline graciously.

2. If you’re unsure in the moment, buy yourself some time.

Remind yourself that you always have a choice. Allow yourself enough time to reflect on what the request entails and what impact it will have on you. Just say, “I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” (Or longer if it’s not urgent.)

3. Go with your gut feeling.

Say what’s true for you. For example, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and I just can’t do another thing.”

4. Be authentic.

Authenticity is being honest with yourself and not letting externally-imposed expectations govern your actions. You might say, “Unfortunately, I’m not able to at this time. I’m running on empty right now.”

5. Show your willingness to be vulnerable.

When you’re being vulnerable, you’re not afraid to reveal what you are really feeling. Try saying something like, “I’m mentally exhausted and I’m worried that taking on another commitment just might put me over the edge.”

6. Respond with empathy for the situation the person is in.

You might say, “I know you’re in a tough spot, but I’m overcommitted.”

7. Make a lesser commitment.

Make another offer that is less of a commitment. You might say something similar to, “I can’t commit to every Thursday, but I can do this Thursday.”

8. Create an alternative you can say yes to.

Shift the response from a no to something you won’t do, to a yes to something you are willing to do. For example, “I can’t do that, but here’s what I can do…” 

9. Suggest another way to get help.

Say something like, “Maybe there’s another way to accomplish what you want. Have you thought about trying…”

10. Express what can happen in the future.

Try saying, “Next time, I’ll be able to help out because I will have a few things off my plate.”

If you’ve been in a “yes” role for quite some time, others may think they can put the pressure on and you’ll fold. If your carefully-constructed no gets pushed back on, don’t waver or try to defend your response—that will only make the person push harder. By staying resolute and refusing to be persuaded into doing something you don’t want to do, you’ll be training others that you mean it. Don’t let anyone take away your power of choice.

If this list seems overwhelming, you might want to just pick the one that resonates the most with you and start with that one until you get more comfortable saying no. You’ll be surprised how rarely an authentic, vulnerable, or empathetic response elicits a challenge. Saying what’s true for you without blame or judgment is often all it takes to have your no accepted with grace.

Learning to say no is a sign of self-respect. When you stop sacrificing your needs to do what others expect you to do, you’ll reduce stress, get more done that’s meaningful to you, and have a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Maybe this quote by Paulo Coelho, author of the well-known book, The Alchemist, will remind you to honor your right to say no:

“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.”

You may also enjoy reading Owning Your ‘No’: A Simple Process for Reclaiming Your Clarity & Power, by Gia Storms.

The post How and When to Say No appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Leaving an abusive relationship is not a single decision. It’s a thousand small acts of courage and a radical act of self-love.

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I didn’t just leave a marriage. I left a version of myself I no longer recognized.

For twenty-four years, I tried to hold together a relationship that was eroding my spirit one day at a time. On the outside, we looked functional. But behind closed doors, I was shrinking. I didn’t know how to name what was happening to me at the time. I just knew I felt smaller, lonelier, and more invisible with each passing year.

When I finally walked away, I wasn’t chasing freedom. I was trying to remember who I was.

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, How did I get here? or How do I even begin to leave?  Know this: You are not alone. And you’re not broken.

Leaving a toxic relationship, especially one that spans years or decades, is not a single decision. It’s a thousand small acts of courage. It’s reclaiming your voice, your truth, and your right to exist as someone who matters. Because you do. Even if you have trouble believing it right now.

Call It What It Is

For a long time, I told myself that because he didn’t hit me, it wasn’t abuse. But abuse doesn’t always leave marks that can be seen. It can come in cold silences, passive-aggressive behavior, sarcasm that cuts, control masked as concern.

I used to have the same recurring dream: a police officer would come to my door and tell me my husband had been killed in a robbery. In the dream, I felt relieved. And then I felt ashamed. Did someone have to die for me to feel free? That dream was my subconscious screaming for escape.

My healing began when I called the behavior what it was. Abuse. And that name helped me begin to reclaim the self-worth I had lost.

Therapy became my lifeline. I began journaling the things I couldn’t say out loud. Reading my own words on paper made something clear: I wasn’t imagining this. I wasn’t being dramatic. I was hurting. And that mattered.

Stop Minimizing Your Pain

In toxic dynamics, we often make ourselves small to survive. We stop asking for what we need. We rationalize, justify, blame ourselves.

I told myself I should try harder. Be a better wife. Make fewer waves. But pain that gets buried doesn’t go away. It festers. And it steals your light.

Healing begins when you take your own pain seriously. You are allowed to prioritize your safety. Your peace. Your future. That isn’t selfish. It’s called survival.

Find Someone Who Sees You

Toxic relationships thrive in isolation.

One of the most powerful choices I made was to stop keeping the truth to myself. I let a trusted friend in. She listened without judgment. She had walked this road before and stood beside me when I couldn’t stand on my own.

You don’t need an army. Just one person who believes you can be the beginning of your new life.

That support can also come from a therapist, counselor, sibling, or support group. Reaching out can feel terrifying. But letting someone in can help you feel less alone. And more capable than you imagined.

Make a Plan That Protects You

You don’t have to leave tomorrow. But give yourself permission. Let the idea play out in your mind. With that thought, you can start preparing today.

Make copies of important documents. Store essentials in a safe place. Speak with a domestic violence hotline or a legal advocate; many offer free consultations and confidential planning.

Things may escalate when you begin to detach. This too is not your fault. It’s why a safety plan matters. Know where you’ll go. Decide when. And make sure someone else knows.

Even beginning to plan can shift your energy. It sends a message to your spirit: I matter. I am getting ready. I am strong.

Reclaiming Your Worth

Leaving may feel like giving up. It’s not. It’s choosing yourself.

If you’re in a relationship that silences you, controls you, or makes you afraid to speak, it’s okay to want more. And it’s okay to walk away to find it.

You are not too late. You are not too damaged. And you don’t have to do it alone.

You are worthy of a life where your voice is heard, your heart and body are safe, and your soul is free.

Remember that planning to leave is not a betrayal. It’s a profound act of self-love. Wherever you are on your journey, your safety and dignity are worth protecting.

Resource Guide: Support for Leaving a Toxic Relationship

If you’re in danger or feel unsafe, your safety comes first. You are not alone. Help is available.

In an Emergency:
Call 911 or your local emergency services immediately if you are in imminent danger.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
thehotline.org
Free, confidential, 24/7 support via call, chat, or text. They can help you create a safety plan and connect you with local resources.

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
rainn.org
Support for survivors of sexual abuse or assault. Offers chat-based help and referrals to local counseling.

Legal + Financial Support

WomensLaw.org
womenslaw.org
State-specific legal information for survivors, including protective orders, custody, and divorce

You may also enjoy reading Breaking the Cycle: Healing from Complex Trauma, by Laurie B. Timms.

The post Learning to Leave: First Steps to Reclaim Yourself from a Toxic Relationship appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

There is only one path to world peace, and that is the path to peace and happiness for every individual on our planet

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The universe is a sentient Being, an omnipresent field of life with feelings, thoughts and indelible laws which, automatically and infallibly with inexorable precision, reacts to our individual actions. Every thought, word and action we express creates ripples in the all-pervading field of life which affects every living being in the universe. Peaceful vibrations enhance peace and harmony in the world whereas aggressive vibrations increase violence and negativity. In order to create peace in the world, we must establish peace in the units of the world, the individuals. Just as a green forest is composed of individual green trees, a peaceful world is composed of peaceful individuals.

Maharishi says:

“Where there is a disagreement and dissension in families and in the circle of friends, the disharmony appears to be occurring in small circles. Individuals hardly realize that they are contributing to an influence that disrupts and destroys the peace of the world through the ill feeling, malice, bad behavior, harsh words, and suffering they are creating.”

Cause of War

The conflict occurring both in the Gaza Strip, in Europe and now in Asia is the direct result of the escalation of stress and tension in these areas. When the stress reaches the boiling point, wars erupt and the very fabric of life is threatened.

All wars begin in the minds of men. The only way to permanently stop wars is by transforming the incoherent thought patterns and subsequent build-up of tensions prevailing in the civilian population of a nation. It is the weakness and lack of coherent thinking which produces the situation where military action and war become necessary. Lack of intelligence, sharpness, quick decisions and discipline gives rise to misinterpretations, muddles, confusion and wrong relationships, which eventually become the cause of war.

The only cure for the chaos exhibited in today’s world is to enliven an indomitable influence of peace, harmony and goodwill in the collective consciousness of the individuals in the world. The population must be educated to transcend the surface, active level of the mind and to experience the state of pure consciousness, the home of all the laws of nature. The experience of pure consciousness is an experience of inner bliss and peace.

This quotation by Lao-Tzu expresses this idea:

“If there is to be peace in the world,
There must be peace in the nations.

If there is to be peace in the nations,
There must be peace in the cities.

If there is to be peace in the cities,
There must be peace between neighbors.

If there is to be peace between neighbors,
There must be peace in the home.

If there is to be peace in the home,
There must be peace in the heart.”

Power of Pure Consciousness

The world is in a major transition state which can only be salvaged by a collective empowerment from the level of pure consciousness The power of pure consciousness is derived from the enlivenment of the home of all the laws of nature in human awareness. The direct experience of pure consciousness infuses the mind with values such as peace, happiness, harmony, love and compassion.

Individuals who regularly enliven pure consciousness in their awareness express values which are more in tune with natural law. Their mind radiates an influence of peace into the environment and their actions support the positive, evolutionary aspects of natural law. All that is moral and virtuous is in accord with natural law and all that is immoral, sinful and which produces fear and suffering is a violation of natural law and is against evolution.

When large groups experience the state of pure consciousness together on a regular basis, the environment is purified more quickly, and stress and tension spontaneously decrease. The path to peace is in the hands of the individuals in society. We must choose it by making a commitment to creating inner peace within ourselves. Every individual has a share of responsibility in the present crisis in the world.

Individual Peace

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the founder of the Transcendental Meditation technique, has said:

“The problem of world peace can only be solved by solving the problem of peace of the individual, and the problem of peace of the individual can only be solved by creating a state of happiness in the individual. Therefore, the problem of peace in the individual, family, society, nation and world as a whole is solved by the practice of Transcendental Meditation, which is a direct way to establish bliss consciousness in the life of the people.”

Strengthen our Unity

To strengthen our unity, we are being called to turn inward.

Turn to the power of pure consciousness. Turn to the power of bliss, the power of peace, the power of love and compassion. This is the only power which is inexhaustible.

The more we give, the more we have. It is spontaneously replenished because it is the source of life itself. Every vibration of bliss, of peace, of harmony we send out into the universe spreads out to touch the farthest reaches of the universe. Every action we do now to help others pass through the challenges and tribulations they are facing will help us collectively to rise to a higher level of global unity.

We can save our planet by radiating love, peace, harmony and compassion in our thoughts, words and actions, and thereby sow the seeds for a healthier, brighter, sustainable and more fulfilling life on earth.

You may also enjoy reading Creating a Harmonious World Through a Coherence of Consciousness, by Barbara Ann Briggs.

The post Inner Peace: The Basis of World Peace appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Somewhere we got the memo that being tough on ourselves is somehow virtuous. It’s not, and it doesn’t make us better, happier, or freer to be ourselves.

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Have you ever noticed how effortlessly you can compliment someone else, yet how awkward it feels when the compliment is directed at you? You’re often the biggest cheerleader for your friends, celebrating their victories and recognizing their brilliance, even when they can’t see it themselves.

But when it comes to you? Ah, that’s when the inner critic decides to throw a party. That voice, sometimes a gentle nudge, sometimes a full-blown shout, pipes up: “You’re not doing enough. You should be better. You’re just not quite ‘there’ yet.” Sound familiar?

If so, take a deep breath and know you’re in seriously good company. Research tells us that the average person juggles around 60,000 thoughts a day, and a whopping 75% of them are… well, less than stellar. Even crazier? 95% of those thoughts are just the same old record on repeat. We’re often stuck in the same internal loop, feeling bogged down by self-judgment, worry, and a persistent sense of inadequacy.

Somewhere along the way, we got the memo that being tough on ourselves is somehow virtuous. That self-criticism is the express lane to improvement, and that humility demands we shrink ourselves down to the size of a postage stamp. We learned that dimming our light makes other people feel… more comfortable?

Here’s the secret: Judgment never creates. It doesn’t make us better, it doesn’t make us happier, and it certainly doesn’t bring us closer to the freedom of being ourselves.

What if the very act of putting yourself down is the biggest thing standing between you and the life you’re craving? What if that confidence, that clarity, that lightness you’re chasing doesn’t come from “fixing” yourself, but from making the outrageous choice to actually enjoy the magnificent being you already are?

That’s the game-changer, my friend. It’s not about more self-criticism or endless striving. It’s about embracing the real, authentic, unapologetic YOU.

Let’s pull back the curtain and peek at what’s really going on, and how you can start rewriting this story:

1. You Don’t Have to “Get You Right” to Be You

We’ve been conditioned to believe that being yourself means achieving a state of perfection: being healed, successful, balanced, and zen 24/7. But that’s not what being you entails.

Being you isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about refraining from judging yourself, even when things feel messy. It’s about gratitude for your choices, rather than shame. It’s about saying: “I did the best I could with what I had in that moment, and now I’m choosing again.”

When you’re truly being you, you don’t live with a constant sense of wrongness. You begin to recognize your strengths in the very places where you used to see flaws. Trust me, that shift alone can change everything.

2. You Don’t Need to Find You—You Can Create You

How many years have you spent trying to “find” yourself? We often believe there’s some hidden version of us waiting to be discovered, and if we just dig deep enough, meditate hard enough, or read the right book, we’ll finally uncover it.

But what if being you isn’t about finding anything at all? What if it’s about creating yourself, moment by moment, choice by choice?

You are not lost. You’re unfolding. And every day is an invitation to create the version of you that feels the most vibrantly alive.

3. You Don’t Have to Be Liked to Be You

This is a big one. We’re conditioned to shape-shift, molding ourselves to fit other people’s expectations. We dim our own brilliance to avoid standing out, and we turn ourselves down to avoid being “too much.”

But what if your “too-muchness” is actually your superpower? What if your presence, fully turned up, is exactly what this world needs?

Your greatness isn’t measured by how small you can make yourself. It’s measured by how boldly you can be you, even in the face of judgment.

4. You Don’t Have to Prove Anything

Being you isn’t about proving your worth to anyone. It’s about relaxing into the magical energy that you already are.

You are not broken. You are not behind. And you are certainly not in competition with anyone else.

If you haven’t yet connected with that energy of being, spend some time in nature. Breathe. Observe the trees. Let the weight of the world gently fall from your shoulders.

It’s in those moments, when you stop trying so hard, that the real you begins to emerge.

5. You Don’t Have to Diminish Yourself to Keep Others Comfortable

So many of us have been trained to make ourselves smaller so that others don’t feel threatened, insecure, or left behind.

But every time you shrink, the world loses access to something only you can be.

Please know this: it’s okay to be different. It’s okay to embrace and enjoy your uniqueness.

Saying “I like me” is not arrogance; it’s an act of rebellion in a world that profits from your self-doubt!

So, What Can You Do Today?

Start with these simple steps:

• Notice when you put yourself down. Whose voice is that? Is it even yours?
• Interrupt the loop with a question: What’s right about me that I’m not getting?
• Try saying: “I like me.” (Even if your brain argues.)
• Ask: “Who could I be today that I haven’t yet considered?” and let that awareness guide your actions.

You don’t need to fix yourself before you can enjoy yourself. You don’t need to be perfect to be powerful. And you certainly don’t need permission to be the you that you are.

That’s what International Being You Day is all about, coming up on June 22. It’s a global reminder that your difference is a gift, that your being is enough, and that now is the space to choose it.

And the best part: When you like you, you give the world permission to do the same.

You may also enjoy reading 4 Ways to Choose Happiness Today, by Dain Heer.

The post Why We Put Ourselves Down and What We Can Do About It appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Shifting the cycle of toxic masculinity toward a more compassionate, connected and expressive male paradigm—a Q&A with Mike de la Rocha

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At Best Self, we’re always seeking greater personal awareness, collective unity, and a stronger expression of love, both of self and others. We were immediately drawn to the work of Mike de la Rocha, who is committed to breaking forever the cycle toxic masculinity and opening a portal to greater love, joy and connection—not just for males, but for all humans. We hope you enjoy his inspiring responses to our questions as much as we do!

Q: How have societal expectations of masculinity influenced men’s ability to express love and vulnerability?

Throughout my life, I’ve witnessed how the weight of masculinity—shaped by silence and societal expectation—has affected my ability to express love, be vulnerable, and ask for help. I wrote Sacred Lessons: Teaching My Father How to Love to answer a question that has haunted me for my entire life: Why was it so hard for my father to tell me that he loved me? What began as a search for understanding became a journey into our shared pain inherited through generations who were taught to suffer in silence. As I peeled back the layers, I saw how deeply the dominant culture embedded in me a belief that real men don’t cry.

In writing this book, I was forced to confront my own unhealthy patterns—and to challenge the stories I had been told about what it means to be a man. After years of therapy, I now believe that my father’s sudden passing was not just a tragedy but a consequence of not having the tools to speak his truth or feel safe in expressing his deep love. When we are denied the language of love, connection, and healing, we don’t just suffer—we disappear—or worse, we take our own lives. Sacred Lessons is my offering, my prayer, and my gift—for every man who’s ever been told to harden, and for the generations yet to come who I believe will rewrite this story and discover a healthier version of what it means to be a “man.”

Q: Do you believe that emotional patterns and trauma are passed down from one generation to the next? If so, what efforts can help to break this cycle of harm?

I wholeheartedly believe that trauma doesn’t just live in our memories and in our bodies—it is passed on through our DNA from generation to generation. But just as grief can be inherited, so too can resilience and the wisdom to heal. This is what our ancestral teachings tell us and what is confirmed by epigenetics. Science now speaks of Post-Traumatic Growth, but long before that, our ancestors practiced earth-based rituals to help us heal and remember our sacred purpose. This belief is at the heart of why I do this work—because healing is not only possible, it is our birthright.

The medicine we need lives in the mountains, in the ocean, in the stories of our people. It lives in nature and in the sacred cultural practices we’ve been conditioned to forget. That’s why I believe in building spaces—outdoors, together—where men can remember who we truly are. We all need that: connection, belonging, and space to heal together. Because the truth is, our futures are intertwined.

I don’t believe in accidents. I believe in sacred timing and purpose wrapped inside every painful experience. Even my father’s death, though devastating, became a portal for me. A passage into a deeper life I could have never accessed otherwise. I’m not just healing for myself. I’m healing for my father, for my grandfather, for every man who was never taught how to speak the language of love.

Q: How have patriarchy, toxic masculinity, and a lack of emotional education shaped the way men are taught to relate to others?

At the root of patriarchy lies a dangerous illusion—the belief in dominance, control, and superiority. I believe that we are intentionally denied emotional education because if we truly understood our inner worlds, we would be forced to confront how our society’s definitions of manhood are steeped in inequity and built on the backs of others’ pain. Movements like Black Lives Matter, the Zapatistas, and countless liberation struggles remind us of what Fannie Lou Hamer said years ago, “Nobody’s free until everybody’s free.” If men are conditioned to believe we are above women—that our needs come first, that our emotions are threats—it’s no wonder that violence, inequality, and disconnection are so deeply woven into our lives.

But this isn’t just a story of what’s broken—it’s also a story of what’s being reborn. I see something sacred unfolding every day. I see men breaking their silence. Fathers holding their sons and saying, “I love you.” Brothers learning how to say “I’m sorry.” Friends choosing therapy over numbness. This is the quiet revolution unfolding in living rooms, sweat lodges, and barbershops. It’s the story we are co-writing, together. One act of tenderness at a time. One redefinition of manhood at a time. And in that story, there is hope—not just for men, but for all of us.

Q: Could you reflect on the challenges men face in expressing emotions and the impact this has on their relationships with family, friends, and themselves?

Countless barriers keep men from expressing what lives deep inside all of us, and the consequences ripple through every corner of our lives. From an early age, we’re taught to grip our pain tightly, to bury our emotions so deeply that we forget who we are. But that silence is not neutral. It becomes a wall between us and the people we love. It fractures our friendships, distances us from our families, and separates us from our truth. These cycles, when left unhealed, become legacies.

I wrote Sacred Lessons: Teaching My Father How to Love to give voice to what my father never learned how to say. To offer my son—and all of our sons—a new way of being. One where strength isn’t defined by how much we can suppress, but by how deeply we’re willing to feel.

Vulnerability is not weakness—it’s the beginning of true freedom. And if we want to change the world, we must first change the stories we tell ourselves about what it means to be a man.

Q: Lastly, your book explores the value of finding community and belonging, especially for those who feel isolated or disconnected from others; could you expand on that?

One of the central themes of Sacred Lessons: Teaching My Father How to Love is that healing is never a solitary act. Healing happens in community. My journey has shown me that my healing is not just my own. It is braided into the stories of those who came before me and into the hopes of those who will come after. While I must choose, every single day, to show up for my healing, that path becomes more possible when I walk it alongside others. What we all long for, beneath the masks we wear, is to feel like we belong and to know that we are not alone. That’s the sacred thread of our interdependent humanity: connection.

This is why we must create spaces free from shame and judgment—places where men can learn how to love and be loved, how to forgive and be forgiven. We must meet men where they are, with an understanding that men are taught a false and harmful narrative. Many of us men are still those hurt and scared little boys screaming for help and acceptance. What I’ve seen, heard, and lived—and what research confirms—is that men aren’t simply angry. We’re isolated and looking for our place in a rapidly changing world. Any meaningful effort to reach men must begin with presence, community, and love. It is in the presence of others in a safe space that we remember who we are and begin the sacred work of remembering our true selves once again.

You may also enjoy Interview: Lewis Howes | Redefining Masculinity, by Kristen Noel

The post Love and Vulnerability: A Call for a New Expression of Male Masculinity appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Grief is never easy, but it can serve as a catalyst for profound personal growth

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I did a podcast interview in mid-March with a yoga therapist where the host and I talked deeply about grief. What she said stayed with me, “Your father sounds like such a progressive man.”

She was right. Unlike most South Asian parents, my dad never asked me to become a doctor or an engineer or a lawyer. He said that grades mattered and so did money (It’s life). But what was most important was being a good human being, relying on self for sustainable joy, sharing what we have with others, and doing good in the world. He was unlike anyone else.

The grief of losing him has been un-anchoring. It’s not just because I lost the only parent alive; but also, he was my safe space in this world where I would turn to recharge.

What is grief?

Grief isn’t limited to the loss of a loved one. Grief is an intense emotional response to loss—whether the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, betrayal in a friendship, the loss of a job, loss of health, or another life-altering event. It is as universal as it is personal, shaping how we perceive ourselves and our place in the world.

After losing my dad, I have been wondering about my identity and place in the world. My relationship with India, the land of my ancestors, feels a little tense. Who do I go back for? Is India still one of my homes? But if home is where your heart is … the part of my heart that loved India (still does) was cremated along with my father’s body.

But despite all the emptiness and heartaches … can I tell you that within the darkness and disorientation of grief, there often lies an unanticipated opportunity for growth and transformation? By acknowledging the pain and forging a new sense of meaning, we can harness grief as a powerful catalyst for personal reinvention.

Understanding Grief

Grief can manifest through a wide range of emotions: sadness, anger, denial, guilt, remorse, numbness, or even relief. Because everyone’s grieving process is unique, it defies a single definition or timeline. The same person might experience anger for a period and then denial. There is no linear progression. Some individuals experience acute waves of sorrow while others move through periods of numbness followed by guilt or frustration or denial.

Key points on grief:

• Non-linear experience: People often cycle back and forth through various stages of grief.
• Complex emotions: Emotions such as sadness, anger, and guilt may coexist along with joy and sadness.
• Individual journey: The timeframe for healing varies significantly from person to person.
• Ongoing process: Grief never fully goes away. It can ebb and flow over a lifetime, arising at unexpected moments.

The Role of Grief in Self-Discovery

Paradoxically, grief can deepen our self-awareness. When forced to confront life’s impermanence, many people begin to reevaluate aspects of their identity, priorities, and relationships.

In losing both my parents, unexpectedly, I started to ask the scary but real questions about relationships, identity, and life. I started to pay attention to who and what mattered. I didn’t fall for what people said, I took cues from their actions.

The rawness of loss creates space for introspection, compelling us to question what truly matters and inspiring us to shed roles or commitments that no longer serve us. This won’t be easy as we have been trained to stick to familiar and pour energy into people and relationships even if they no longer serve us.

How grief fuels self-discovery:

1. Reassessment of priorities: Loss can spark insight into what genuinely brings you fulfillment, prompting a shift in values or lifestyle.
2. Heightened emotional intelligence: By working through pain, people may become more sensitive and compassionate—towards themselves and others.
3. Motivation to pursue new paths: Disruption of the status quo may energize an individual to seek out different careers, relationships, or personal projects.

Embracing Change: Personal Reinvention

Transforming grief into a constructive force involves embracing change. This might mean altering your daily routines, rethinking career goals, or building new habits that promote emotional well-being. The sense of renewal that comes after grief isn’t about forgetting what was lost; rather, it involves crafting a life that holds space for past memories while allowing for the possibilities of the future.

After my father died, I couldn’t return to my old workouts, yoga practice, or even hiking trails. It was all too much. While I had no problems talking about my father’s untimely demise, I also wanted to avoid my routine-stuff that reminded me of him.

Strategies for personal reinvention:

• Therapeutic support: A mental health professional can help you navigate complex emotions, identify patterns that hold you back, and encourage the development of healthier coping mechanisms. I also offer grief coaching using the ancient healing sciences of Ayurveda.
• Creative expression: Journaling, non-curated dancing, art, music, and other creative endeavors provide an outlet for emotional release and self-reflection.
• Establishing new habits: Incorporating practices such as meditation, exercise, or mindfulness fosters resilience, calming the mind and reducing stress.
• Goal-setting: Breaking down long-term aims into achievable steps can keep you focused on growth rather than dwelling solely on loss.

The Power of Community

It’s fascinating to me how our mental health depends on a fine balance between getting to know yourself and turning inward as well as building a supportive tribe of people because social connection is healing. While personal reinvention ultimately comes from within, community support plays an invaluable role in healing.

Sharing stories, receiving empathy, and learning from others’ journeys can help you process your loss without feeling isolated. Close friends, support groups, or online communities offer a reminder that you are not alone in your struggles or your transformation. But be very mindful of who you allow into your home and life as grief makes us very vulnerable.

Ways to tap into community and support:

• Open conversation: Talk honestly with trusted friends and family about your emotions. This vulnerability often encourages deeper connections. I have found a whole other set of people after losing my dad.
• Support groups: I give talks at cemeteries and have done readings from my book, The Loss That Binds Us. It’s a world of people who don’t know me outside of the event yet know what breaks and joins my heart. Seek out in-person or virtual gatherings where you can share your story and hear from others going through similar experiences.
• Volunteering: I volunteered at senior centers as it was a two-way healing space. Many of them were happy to see someone their daughter’s age in me, and I was grateful to be of service to people from my parents’ generation. Helping others can foster a sense of purpose, often alleviating feelings of despair and emphasizing the value of human connection.

Grief is never easy, but it can serve as a catalyst for profound personal growth. By acknowledging the pain, reevaluating personal priorities, and welcoming new perspectives, you can shape a reinvented sense of self—one that honors your loss while embracing life’s next chapters. Though the path may be turbulent, every step of openness and self-compassion guides you toward renewed meaning and possibility.

[Disclaimer: The content is purely informative and educational in nature and should not be construed as medical advice. The information is not intended for use in the diagnosis, treatment, cure, or prevention of any disease. Please use the content only in consultation with an appropriate certified medical or healthcare professional. If you are nursing, taking medications, or have a medical condition, please consult with your health care practitioner prior to the use of any of these herbs. If you are looking for advice from a trained yogi and Ayurvedic Doctor, contact Sweta here.]

You may also enjoy reading Navigating Grief with Ayurvedic Principles: A Q&A with Sweta Vikram.

The post Grief as a Catalyst for Personal Reinvention appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes

Relationships are messy…which is why one meditation teacher dives into the mess and introduces practices for a healthier foundation

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Psychologists often say adults with troubled childhoods will likely have a deep need to be close to their partners, but with that comes an even deeper fear of being so connected. It means some of us will yearn for intimacy, but as soon as we experience it, we’ll find a way to get out of it.

This was true for me for a long time. I met and got involved with men who were decent, kind, and loving and really wanted me—only to find a reason to reject them and end the relationship. I preferred dating and even getting seriously involved with men who were deeply ambivalent about me, but I never understood why. I only knew that their ambivalence meant we would never get too close, so I never had to run away.

When I was in my thirties, I began a relationship with Mateo, a talented journalist who, like me, had never been married, loved cats and books, and lived just twenty blocks uptown from my apartment. He was considerate, polite, funny, and fair. When we ate meals together, we shared the cooking and cleanup duties, and we each paid our own way when we went out. We dated for nearly two years, and during that time, I thought we had a perfect relationship because we rarely disagreed on anything and only had one argument.

Then he had to travel for a month for work. During that time, I hardly thought about him and he hardly thought about me. When he returned, our relationship felt like a deflated balloon and we both agreed it would be best to break up. I was puzzled that it ended because we didn’t have any problems that I could see—we were companionable, shared similar values, found each other attractive and interesting. But I’d mistaken self-sufficiency for healthy independence and our shared interests for intimacy. The truth was that both of us were afraid to reveal our difficulties, confusion, or less-than-pleasant qualities to each other and were determined not to rely on or truly trust the other. I thought that by avoiding conflict, ignoring resentment, and keeping my emotions to myself, I could avoid a “messy” partnership. Instead, I was unable to truly connect—because happy and lasting relationships are complicated.

By the time I was forty, I’d only had a few relationships that lasted more than two years, and by this time, I’d embarked on an entirely new career. I was studying Buddhism and training to become a mindfulness teacher. I was beginning to write about my life and share my work on the internet. And I was becoming even more ambivalent about finding a partner.

Where I had felt certain and at times desperate for a long-term, monogamous relationship, I now wondered if that was what I really wanted.

But I could tell that my single life was too easy. There was no one to mirror me, challenge me, or reflect my blind spots. I realized that I needed to make a change if I wanted to grow: find a committed boyfriend and get married, or become a Buddhist nun—both ways would increase my self-knowledge, one through relationship with another, the other through a relationship with myself and a community.

I was studying at a Tibetan monastery in upstate New York and considering participating in their three-year meditation retreat when I met Mike. He’d been divorced for a few years and was also a meditator studying Zen Buddhism. He was different from most of the men I had dated: he was direct about his intention to be in a committed relationship, rather than just hanging out or being friends with benefits like so many of the other men I met on dating apps. When he explained what he was looking for, it made me realize that for a long time I’d been waiting to meet someone with whom I could fall in love. I thought it would come from them—when the right person came along, then I would want to marry, commit, love them. But Mike showed me that was a delusion.

It had to come from me—I needed to begin with an intention to love, commit, and to become intimate. Then I could find a person who shared that intention and create a relationship together. We married a few years later. I’d like to say it was happily ever after, but sometimes it’s not. In fact, in the aftermath of an early argument, Mike gently said to me, “Kim, we’ll be as happy as we want to be.” And he was right.

Because change is always possible, you can be as happy as you want to be too—but it takes time, insight, and energy. Maybe you’re like me and you don’t know how to be a good partner because no one has ever showed you how to do it. There’s hope! I’m generally considerate and kind, but sometimes dismissive and defensive, and I’ve learned to soften that and you can too.

Although I didn’t really think it was possible, I’ve created a happy relationship using many tools and modalities, but it’s been mindfulness and lovingkindness which has helped me the most.

These practices enable me to truly listen to my partner, validate his experience, and empathize with his feelings, regardless of who is right or wrong. Our lives together and separately aren’t perfect: my best friend died unexpectedly a few years ago, Mike’s elderly mom needs a lot of care from him, and my income dwindled during the pandemic. All of these things have caused stress and struggle for our partnership, but we’ve learned that our happiness isn’t based on circumstances outside ourselves. Rather, it’s based on our intention to be truly loving, patient, and kind—through thick and thin, with each inhale and exhale.

I use the term partner, spouse, husband, and wife interchangeably in an excerpt from my book, Happy Relationships: 25 Buddhist Practices to Transform Your Connections with Your Partner, Family, and Friends, which follows below. I wrote this for anyone in a committed partnership with another person, whether you’re married or not, and whatever your identity—straight, gay, lesbian, transgender, CIS. If you’re sharing your life with someone, you can learn to bring greater contentment to your relationship, no matter how hard it might seem. You can create strong bonds of patience and empathy with yourself and your partner to sustain a lasting and loving relationship. I know you can do this because I’ve done it, and I’ve taught many others to do it too, using the teachings and exercises in this section.

Drawn from the Buddhist tradition, conventional Western therapeutic techniques, and from my own experience, these practices are powerful tools that you can learn and apply to transform and heal old struggles, create new habits, and open your heart to yourself and your partner.

While reading this excerpt, make an intention to benefit and not harm yourself, your partner, or your relationship with your thoughts, words, or actions. You can even put your hand on your heart and say, “I vow to communicate clearly and act with kindness.” You’ll be surprised how powerful it can be to articulate your deepest and best motivation.

There are probably many things about your partner that you find annoying and frustrating, and you might believe they have to change for you to be happy.

Meditation practice will show you that taking care of your feelings with kindness, communicating honestly, and approaching your partner with compassion even when they are angry, disagreeable, or unlikeable can transform a relationship whether they change or not.

That doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly like it when they forget what time the kids’ soccer practice starts although you’ve told them countless times, or become indifferent to their refusal to unload the dishwasher. Rather, it means you will be able to pause in these moments, feel your feelings, and choose how you want to respond. You’ll learn that partnerships have moments of misunderstanding, miscommunication, and rupture—and you can meet them all with kindness, patience, and compassion for you both.

When my husband realized our relationship would come up in this book, he cautioned me not to portray the two of us as some sort of New Age, filtered, perfect couple. He asked me to be sure to let you know that even though our marriage is happy, loving, and strong, we still make mistakes, get confused, and say or do the wrong thing at times—and that’s okay. In fact, weeks or even months can go by without a real rupture—a fight or hurt feelings or an insensitive remark—but we always remember that another one will happen, simply because we’re human.

The next time you have difficulties with your partner, instead of feeling like you’ve failed or someone is in the wrong, remember that you can learn to be patient and trust in yourself and each other and use your wise actions and tools of mindfulness and lovingkindness to help you resolve your upset, calm your distress, and repair your relationship, time and time again.

Practice One: Let Yourself Love

Like too many of us, I believed for a long time that love was something someone else needed to give me, and when they did, I would feel at ease, relaxed, and happy about myself. I assumed that I would find it within romantic relationships, so I searched for a boyfriend or partner. But even when I was in relationship with kind, compassionate people, I still didn’t feel very good, and I wondered why I wasn’t getting the love I needed.

It wasn’t until after I started studying Buddhism that I began to believe that love doesn’t come from other people at all. I finally understood that it’s a quality that I already possess, and you do too. After I committed to a regular mindfulness and lovingkindness practice, I began to experience a pervasive sense of “okayness”—a feeling of well-being no matter what was happening good or bad in my life. This feeling isn’t reliant on someone else or the result of success, money, or praise. I’m confident you can discover this inner resource too, and with practice you’ll realize that you have all the love you need. Though at times it might be obscured by conditioning and old habits, remember that you can always rely on it and access it whenever you get still and quiet.

If you’re feeling lonely or unwanted right now, or waiting for someone else to give you the love you believe is missing from your life, please try the following meditation. Practice it daily for at least six weeks and observe how it unfolds in your mind and your heart.

1. Find a quiet and comfortable place where you can relax for at least fifteen minutes. You can sit in your favorite chair, lie down on the couch with a blanket, or rest on your porch with your dog. Put all of your devices out of reach.
2. First, don’t do anything at all. Just let yourself get still. Then take a few deep exhales and full inhales. Do this for at least five minutes.
3. Put your hand on your chest, and say silently, May I be open to all the love in my heart. Just keep repeating this phrase to yourself. You don’t have to feel warm and fuzzy or anything at all. But when you get distracted, don’t let yourself get caught in stories or arguments with yourself. Just gently notice and come back and begin saying the phrase again.
4. After five or ten minutes (or longer), think of a dear friend who is self-critical. Imagine they are sitting here with you. Then silently say to them, May you be open to all the love in your heart.
5. Next, connect with both yourself and your friend’s presence. Keep your hand on your chest and say to both of you, May we be open to all the love in our hearts.
6. Finally, let yourself rest quietly here for at least one minute, without saying the phrases. Then slowly and mindfully choose to open your eyes, stretch or move, and thank yourself for your beautiful heart.

[Excerpt adapted from Happy Relationships: 25 Buddhist Practices to Transform Your Connections with Your Partner, Family, and Friends. Copyright © 2025 by Kimberly Brown. Reprinted courtesy of Prometheus Books. All rights reserved.]

You may also enjoy reading Do You Have the Courage to Choose Kindness? by Donna Cameron.

The post How to Practice Mindfulness and Lovingkindness to Transform Relationships appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Women were sold the idea that fulfillment came in the form of the perfect partner, marriage and children; what happens when the fairy tale doesn’t deliver?

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Once upon a time, women were sold the idea that love and fulfillment came in the form of the perfect partner, marriage, and children. That was the goal. That was the dream. And if we followed the formula, we were promised a happily ever after.

But what happens when the fairy tale doesn’t deliver?

That’s what I had to figure out for myself. Because no prince, no castle, and no magic wand was going to create the life I truly wanted. Real-life happiness isn’t about waiting—it’s about doing. And success? It’s about rewriting the script you were handed and crafting your own version of a happy ending.

living the dream

When I was growing up in a small town in Indiana in the ‘60s and ‘70s, I didn’t think I’d have a career. I assumed, like so many other girls at the time, that my life’s work would be managing a home and raising children. But then real life happened. The castle had a mortgage that Prince Charming couldn’t afford. College for the kids looked like it would only be possible with a mountain of student debt, it looked like they’d have to settle for crooked teeth, without expensive braces. And I had a choice: keep shrinking myself into a not-so-happy homemaker role or step up and figure out how to ride a white horse.

I wanted to give my three kids every opportunity to thrive. That purpose fueled my ambition. It gave me the courage to pivot careers and rebuild a professional life after taking eight years off to raise my children. I didn’t just return to work—I became a vice president of marketing at multiple Fortune 500 companies. I didn’t just settle for one career—I kept evolving. And in my 60’s, I earned a doctorate and launched a second act as a professor.

Rewrite the Script—On Your Terms

We all grow up with a narrative about what life should look like. For many women, it’s still tied to the idea of traditional success: marriage, children, and a neatly packaged, perfectly balanced life. But real life is messier than that. It’s full of twists and turns, reinventions and second acts.

For me, the script changed the moment I stopped asking what I was supposed to do and started asking what is it I truly wanted. I didn’t stay in a career that no longer fulfilled me. I pivoted. I didn’t let a detour (or eight years off raising kids) stall my ambition. I found a way back. And I didn’t let age define what was possible. Instead, I earned my doctorate at a time when many are thinking about retirement.

Here’s the truth: Your story is yours to write. No one else gets to decide your happy ending. And no, it won’t look like anyone else’s. It shouldn’t.

The Boldest Moves Bring the Biggest Rewards

One of the most defining moments in my life started with something as simple as my passion for tennis. In the summer of 1990, my family helped to host a group of young Soviet tennis teams in Indianapolis. At the time, the Cold War had barely thawed, and welcoming Russians into our home felt like an act of diplomacy. What I didn’t realize was that it would change everything.

That experience led to an invitation to Moscow the following year, just as the Soviet Union was collapsing. It was a world on the brink of transformation—chaotic, uncertain, and brimming with opportunity. That trip led me to a consulting role with Anheuser-Busch, and ultimately, to a pivot from finance to marketing that landed me in executive leadership roles across the globe.

It also reshaped my children’s futures. Exposure to different cultures inspired them to study abroad, work internationally, and embrace life beyond the borders of what was familiar. Today, my children’s careers and relationships reflect the global perspective they gained from those earlier bold decisions. 

Success isn’t just about career moves. It’s about saying yes to unexpected opportunities. It’s about trusting that the unknown isn’t a threat—it’s a doorway to something bigger than you imagined.

Every Woman Deserves a Crown—But She Has to Claim It Herself

The title of my book says it all: Forget the Fairy Tale & Find Your Happiness. Because real fulfillment isn’t about waiting to be chosen—it’s about choosing yourself. It’s about defining your own version of success and happiness, not trying to fit into someone else’s mold.

I believe every woman is a princess—not in the way fairy tales have traditionally defined it, but in the way that matters most. We all have our crowns—whether they come in the form of a degree, a thriving business, a passion project, or a life that feels truly ours. And we all have dragons to slay—whether that’s societal expectations, self-doubt, or the belief that we can’t have the life we want.

But in the end, this journey isn’t about finding a prince. It’s about finding ourselves. And that? That’s the greatest happy ending of all.

You may also enjoy reading A Letter To My Younger Self: I Couldn’t Have Gotten Here Without You, by Christiane Northrup, MD.

The post Forget the Fairy Tale & Find Your Happiness: Why Real Success Starts with Rewriting the Script appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes

Could the mind-body connection be the key to prevent or reverse diseases such as ALS and pave the way for greater wellness?

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Lou Gehrig’s disease, also known as amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), is a progressive neurodegenerative disease affecting the motor neurons in the brain and spinal cord, eventually paralyzing the body. What could be the hidden cause beneath this tragic physical manifestation?

As a Modus Operandi Emotional Wellness Practitioner for 25 years, I’m passionate about helping people examine the emotional and psychological links of the mind-body connection. These connections can be critical to recovery, and often they’re not addressed in standard treatment regimens. I’ve discovered fresh insight into the connection between ALS and feeling unsuccessful that I’m eager to share. It’s an example of the “missing piece” I’m passionate about in my wellness work.

The Mind-Body Connection

The “mind-body connection” refers to the intricate relationship between our thoughts, emotions, and beliefs and our physical body. It’s crucial to our understanding of wellness because our mental processes directly influence our physical health and vice versa. Our thoughts and feelings can manifest physically through bodily sensations and physiological changes, and physical sensations can impact our mood and emotions. Thus, the mind and body are not separate entities but rather work together in a complex relationship often hidden at the subconscious level.

Over my career, I have gratefully referred to the book Messages from the Body: Their Psychological Meaning by Michael J. Lincoln, Ph.D.[1] Dr. Lincoln teaches that virtually every disease, illness, or ailment has a psychological origin and a message from your body. In my healing work with clients, I have found Dr. Lincoln’s insights to be true.

Lou Gehrig was one of the most talented and greatest baseball players of all time. What, then, does Messages from the Body say about those with ALS, or Lou Gehrig’s Disease, which results in paralysis? Dr. Lincoln explains:

“These individuals deny their success and they are totally unwilling to accept their self-worth. Very clearly, especially the mother conveyed that any form of self-manifestation or success in the world and commitment elsewhere would be committing the ultimate betrayal, and this immobilizes them. This got started at a time when there was no difference between their mother and the Universe, so if they recognized their self-worth or sought success, they would be destroying God and all Its creation. So, to avoid the ‘ultimate calamity’ they sacrificed themselves.”[2]

Complementary Healing

The mind-body connection isn’t obvious in the case of ALS. It involves how lacking a sense of self-worth and not feeling successful can impact a person’s physical well-being. By addressing these emotional aspects, we can find new ways to help heal and offer hope to those with ALS. I believe true recovery involves the body, mind, and emotions, and through this complementary approach, we can achieve a deeper, more lasting recovery.

To outsiders, individuals with ALS may appear to be remarkably successful, but internally they may feel like failures. The discrepancy between outward appearance and inner reality makes the disease difficult to understand. While those who develop ALS tend to appear exceptionally accomplished, they may become successful because they work extraordinarily hard to gain acceptance. They may have been programmed to feel unworthy and lack genuine self-acceptance. Therefore, it’s potentially understandable that their muscles and spine, which propel them forward, might deteriorate in response. Terminal stages of Lou Gehrig’s result in a total shutdown of the body, reflecting how these individuals might perceive themselves internally—and probably subconsciously. Let’s see how this hypothesis may have pertained to Lou Gehrig himself.

Lou Gehrig and His Mother

Lou’s mother Christina was a German immigrant. She had four children and lost three of them, with only Lou surviving infancy. The family was deeply hurt by the losses, and Lou became the center of his mother’s universe. She wanted to keep him all to herself. She spoiled all his girlfriend relationships, and Lou didn’t marry until he turned thirty. Conjecture was that no one thought he would ever marry because he was so in love with his mother.      

Christina worked tirelessly cleaning houses, cooking for the wealthy, and taking in laundry to make ends meet. Lou’s dad was in poor health and had a hard time finding work. Jonathan Eig, author of Luckiest Man: The Life and Death of Lou Gehrig, wrote that throughout his entire life, Lou was a mamma’s boy. “If there was a hall of fame for mama’s boys,” he asserted, “Gehrig would have been a shoo-in.”[iii]

To Lou, the “muscular unemotional” Christina was a heroine. “He would write her when the team went on the road, and when he returned, he would greet her on the train platform with long hugs and tender kisses.”[iv]

Lou worked alongside his mother at a very young age. He didn’t have a lot of play time, but when he did, Lou played baseball, soccer, and football. He loved and lived for sports. Unfortunately, he was programmed early on with comments from his mother such as, “Sports are a waste of time.”[v]

In David Adler’s book, Lou Gehrig, the Luckiest Man, Adler wrote, “Christina, Lou Gehrig’s mother, wanted her son Lou to attend college and become an accountant or an engineer.”[vi]When Lou quit college and signed up with the Yankees, “Lou’s mother was furious. She was convinced that he was ruining his life.”[vii]

Jonathan Eig relates an incident that clearly demonstrated Lou’s deep emotional connection to his mother. “In 1927, the Yankees won 110 games, a league record that stood for 27 years. Then they swept the Pittsburgh Pirates in a World Series that Gehrig almost missed”[viii] because of his devotion to his mother. Christina was gravely ill and needed an operation when the Series came along. Lou felt it was more important to be at her side than with the team. Luckily for the Yankees, however, he was later convinced to play in the Series.

Although he was known to be ambitious, Lou was shy and insecure.

Being a German immigrant, he was frequently ridiculed and felt unworthy because of his lack of social polish. He was always trying his hardest to be accepted, especially by his beloved mother, who could not understand that baseball was his life. To someone who has a deep need for acceptance, negative comments about one’s passion—in this case baseball—is understandably devastating. Because these derogatory comments began early on when, as Dr. Lincoln explained, there’s no difference between [one’s] mother and the Universe, any success would be the ultimate betrayal. Indeed, this subconscious belief may be significant for those with Lou Gehrig’s disease.

In the book Lou Gehrig (Baseball Legends), author Norman L. Macht wrote that “Lou was shy and lacked confidence to be a leader.”[ix] However, he added, “In spite of this shyness, Gehrig’s batting average was .373 and his league-leading RBI’s earned him the America’s most valuable player award.”[x] To bring home the point, Macht explained that “Lou never got used to his popularity and did not handle it well.”[xi]

To say the least, Lou Gehrig was highly successful, as individuals with Lou Gehrig’s disease most often are. But, as pointed out, this is the ultimate paradox. Individuals with ALS may appear to have it all, but despite their achievements, they might feel unsuccessful and unworthy internally because of their early programming. So, isn’t it understandable why eventually the muscles, which move them forward in life, and the backbone, the support system of their body, would deteriorate?

The Disease Trigger

Typically, an event occurring six months to a year before diagnosis triggers the disease in the body. In Lou’s case, his lifelong programming of nonacceptance and his resentment most likely contributed, but what trigger may have led to his disease finally manifesting?

In Jonathan Eig’s book, Luckiest Man, Eig wrote, “In 1938 things were different for Lou Gehrig. Gehrig continued to play miserably, striking out six times and accumulating only four hits.”[xii] His fans began mocking him, something they would never have done before. Gehrig was not the sort to let things roll easily off his shoulders. He dropped from fourth to sixth spot in the lineup. “It was reported in The New York Times his batting average was .133—the worst hitter in the American League.”[xiii] In 1938, Gehrig went from All-Star player and movie star, playing himself in the movie Rawhide, to the biggest slump of his career. This happened approximately one year before Lou Gehrig’s diagnosis of ALS. 

Did this occurrence make Lou Gehrig feel like such a failure that it set off the powerlessness and anger that made the disease erupt in his body? For those who acquire this disease, control is a major survival tool. When they lose control, such as Lou Gehrig experienced in his slump, the body starts to do the same—lose control. Although this is hypothetical, it’s well-reasoned and appears to be true.           

No remedy has been identified for this disease. It’s essential to clarify that Lou did not acquire this disease due to his mother or father. Let’s throw all blame out, even blame of ourselves. There can be no blame for subconscious beliefs we aren’t aware of, right? According to psychology, hidden subconscious beliefs can significantly influence our lives. They shape our decisions and perceptions without us realizing it, essentially acting as a powerful force that can rule 95 percent of our life if left unexamined. The Modus Operandi Technique enables individuals to observe and replace disempowering subconscious beliefs with empowering ones without blame or judgment. By consistently affirming the new belief for 40 days and actively catching and reversing old beliefs, individuals can rewire their brain for positive change.

Symptoms of ALS

ALS usually starts with stiffness and muscle weakness. Stiffness arises from stiff or rigid thinking. According to Dr. Lincoln, muscle problems indicate:

• dealing with issues and feelings associated with success,
• confronting unsettling memories, and
• feeling immobilized.[xiv]

With the Modus Operandi Technique, the issue associated with success could be treated and addressed at the muscle weakness stage.

Often one of the first symptoms is tripping frequently. Our feet help us step forward. Dr. Lincoln wrote:

“A problem with the right foot indicates they have a hard time stepping forward in life. Relationship concerns: They have deep conflicts over how to get life and love support. . . .

“The left foot indicates ‘Sealed Unit.’ They are handicapped with vulnerability issues, unwillingness to receive support and refusal to allow themselves to be taken care of by the Universe or other people.[xv]. . .

“The right leg indicates an individual is experiencing issues in the realm of love, not enough love or they are commitment-and relationship-avoidant as a result of being forever fettered to their mother. They have a hard time standing up for themselves. . . .

“Left leg is they are manifesting support issues in the form that they aren’t supported.”[xvi]

It would be interesting to see if these suppositions rang true for Lou.

The right side of the body is the masculine side, which generates power and authority in the world. When a problem lies with the right side, the person has difficulties manifesting his or her power. During Gehrig’s hitting slump in 1938, was he feeling this way?

This disease attacks the nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord, possibly from suppressing the unacceptable aspects of themselves and not connecting with their feelings, thus going numb. Because the nerves are vehicles for feeling, nonacceptance programming can cause the nerves themselves to also become numb.

Mostly, ALS attacks the spinal cord, which supports the whole body. When individuals have a problem with the spine, they may have been systematically undermined in their confidence. Lou wasn’t supported for his passion with sports by either parent. This may have affected his brain and spinal cord.

In ALS, paralysis eventually ensues. This may also result from the sufferer’s programming of being unacceptable and not feeling successful, which is often hidden at the subconscious level.

In addition to eventually immobilizing the individual, ALS can attack the hands, speech, swallowing, breathing, and all the voluntary muscles—all related to the lesson of accepting who one is.

With this knowledge and information individuals can start using the Modus Operandi Technique at the symptom stage instead of masking symptoms while the underlying disease continues unabated.

The Bottom Line

For ALS patients, something as simple as picking up a spoon can be a success in the end stages of the disease, because the paralysis can prevent this. But what would it feel like if they and every person possessed a profound understanding that they are a success regardless of the circumstances in their life? Understanding that they are successful can be profoundly empowering and may prevent the body from failing.

When those with ALS unconditionally accept themselves, recovery most likely follows.

By connecting with their true emotions and embracing themselves, the cells in their brain and spinal column can thrive rather than deteriorate.

Imagine the effects of unconditional love and acceptance on our bodies. Lou Gehrig’s contribution to life went beyond being a baseball hero; he introduced us to this disease so we could learn from it.

One of my own life purposes is to use this information to educate others—not only about Lou Gehrig’s disease but about the emotional determinants and psychological root causes of all diseases and disorders. I know at a very deep level that, in my lifetime, we will see the prevention and successful treatment of ALS as an accomplished fact rather than a wishful hope.  

[1] Michael J. Lincoln, Ph.D., Messages from the Body: Their Psychological Meaning, Spring Creek, Nevada:Talking Hearts,18^th print, 2019.

[2] Ibid., pp. 368-369.

[iii] Jonathan Eig, Luckiest Man: The Life and Death of Lou Gehrig, New York: Simon & Schuster, 2006, p. 12.

[iv] Ibid.

[v] David A. Adler and Terry Widener, Lou Gehrig: The Luckiest Man, Gulliver Books (Harcourt Brace and Co.), 1997, p. 2.

[vi] Ibid.

[vii] Ibid., p. 5.

[viii] Op. Cit., Eig, Luckiest Man, pp. 236-245.

[ix] Norman L. Macht, Lou Gehrig (Baseball Legends), New York, Chelsea House Publishers, 1995, p. 16.

[x]   Ibid., p. 34.

[xi] Ibid., p. 35.

[xii] Op. Cit., Eig, Luckiest Man, pp. 236-245.

[xiii] Ibid., p. 247.

[xiv] Op. Cit., Lincoln, Messages from the Body, p. 388.

[xv] Ibid., p. 238.

[xvi] Ibid., p. 358.

You may also enjoy reading Interview: Kelly Brogan, MD | A Mind Of Your Own, by Kristen Noel.

The post Unveiling the Hidden Aspects of Lou Gehrig’s Disease appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

A pilgrimage to the MahaKumbha Mela delights the senses while elevating the spirit and collective vibration of all humanity

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The huge upsurge of pilgrims flocking to the Mahakumbha Mela in Prayagraj, India is symbolic of the global awakening occurring on planet earth.

As of February 4, over 382 million pilgrims have visited the Mahakumbha Mela to take a dip in the holy river Ganges. This global aspiration for spiritual evolution is rippling across the globe and creating vibrations which effect the entire universe. Since January 13, a vast river of humanity has been converging on the grounds of the Mahakumbha Mela for the sacred bath. They were not there for amassing material wealth but for the sake of spiritual progress and purification from sin. There was the King of Bhutan and the Prime Minister of India, rich and poor, tribals and movie stars, foreigners and locals. There was no division of caste, religion, race or gender. It was a vast confluence of faith moving as one.

The universe responds to the thoughts, words and actions of individuals. We are constantly creating, re-shaping and materializing our universe according to the energy patterns we radiate every day. We are co-creators of reality.

The cosmic web of life records the pulsations of every living being. Every aspect of life is intricately interdependent and inter-connected at a subtle level. The collective aspirations of millions of people attending the Mahakumbha Mela is creating a positive influence which is spreading out into the entire universe. This huge desire for spiritual awakening indicates a cosmic shift in human awareness. The intense collective desire for purification surging forth at such a huge gathering is reverberating through the cosmic web of life, uplifting, inspiring and energizing the whole interwoven pattern of human life. This event is occurring at the perfect time.

The MahaKumbha Mela occurs every 144 years at an auspicious time related to the particular planetary alignment of Jupiter, Sun, and the Moon. It is said that the rare alignment of these planets creates a powerful vortex of energy that aids in the process of purification. The 2025 planetary alignment magnifies spiritual growth. The spiritual energy of the rivers is also said to be enhanced by the radiations from the planets. Because of this, the potency of the sacred bathing ritual is infused with a deeper significance at this time. It is for this reason that millions of pilgrims from around the world consider it a great blessing to be able to take the sacred bath at this cosmic event.

I attended the Mahakumbha Mela from the 12th-18^th of January. There was not such a huge influx of people at that time. On January 13, I was able to go by boat to the sangam, the confluence of the three rivers, Yamuna, Ganges and the invisible Saraswati River, to take my first bath. It was a truly exhilarating experience. I felt a subtle shift in my awareness after emerging from the waters. I took a second bath on Makar Sankranti on January 14th. It was also a wonderful trip by boat culminating in dipping into the river many times.

Later I listened to the recitation of the Rudra Abhishek, a Sanskrit recitation aimed at creating world peace. Over 700 pandits recited this prayer every morning from 9am-1pm, in a large outdoor tent outside the Maharishi Smarak, a beautiful memorial built to honour the spiritual legacy of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the founder of the Transcendental Meditation technique.

Walking through the grounds of the Mahakumbha Mela, I felt a deep inner peace and bliss. There was also a feeling of gratitude and fulfillment for having been given the opportunity to be there.

You may also enjoy reading Creating a Harmonious World Through a Coherence of Consciousness by Barbara Ann Briggs.

The post Global Significance of the MahaKumbha Mela appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

Your nightly routine can be a gateway to abundance and fulfillment, where practical wisdom meets spiritual insight for tangible, life-changing results

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The following is an excerpt from Oliver Niño’s upcoming book, Do This Before Bed: Simple 5-Minute Practices That Will Change Your Life [reproduced with permission from the publisher, Hay House].

One of the things that makes life so challenging for many people is that they are walking around with an inherited set of beliefs that don’t make them any healthier, happier, or more connected to themselves and others. The foundational practices will help you become more attuned to the real you— the eternal you who existed way before your mind and heart were taken over by limiting beliefs and ideas about who you are and how reality operates. As you get into a rhythm with them, you’ll gain a greater sense of clarity that helps you connect to your highest needs, and the beliefs that actually support you to tap into your full potential.

For example, these days I don’t necessarily end my evening with all the practices if I’m in my house in Colorado, in a town of 800 people—because the beautiful natural environment and peaceful setting ends up clearing any residual negative or chaotic energy that might be lingering in the air. However, if I’m traveling to a city like Los Angeles or New York, then I’m around lots of people or situations that might be energy-draining or triggering, as well as being exposed to external stimuli that may affect my well-being. On those occasions, I might double up on the foundational practices by doing them in the morning and the evening.

I recommend going all in with the foundational practices at first, maybe even doing them repeatedly throughout the day so you can build a higher level of mastery. This will help you develop a more intuitive sense of what you need over time. As I said, if these four practices are all you take from this book, that’s great. You’ll definitely notice a huge shift in your energy levels, mood, connection to yourself and others, and your ability to optimize your time and energy throughout the day.

Have fun, and sweet dreams!

#1: Clear and Open Your Third Eye, Ears, and Heart

If you’re reading this book, I’m willing to bet you’re probably sensitive to other people’s energies, meaning you can feel it when someone else is anxious or overwhelmed, but also when they’re happy and relaxed. It’s likely that the energy centers in your body (also known as the chakras) are open, which is great! But the downside may be that these energy centers are overactive. If so, you could be bringing all that heightened energy into your sleep. That might be okay if you’re mostly hanging out with a lot of enlightened, happy, peaceful, relaxed people! But the truth is, highly sensitive people are usually picking up on both obvious and not-so-obvious vibes. And, given the fact that we don’t exactly live in a generally relaxed society, if you’re highly sensitive, you may be carrying excess negativity and anxiety into your sleep — which you most certainly don’t want to do!

During sleep, you’re supposed to recharge and refuel. But if you’re carrying other people’s energy, you’re more likely to have nightmares, astral travel to dark and heavy places, and wake up feeling drained, overwhelmed, and as if you didn’t get a lick of sleep. So, for starters, right before you go to bed I encourage you to never fixate on people who triggered or hurt you.

This first tool focuses on setting an intention to release any negative energy you might have absorbed throughout the day. By doing so, you’ll be taking back the sacred period of time that constitutes your sleep — a time for healing, recharging, rejuvenating, getting information, and connecting with your higher self. The three steps of this practice will help you to release any negative energy so you can experience the kind of peaceful calm essential to generate miracles.

Step 1: Release the Debris of the Day from Your Third Eye

Your third eye is a powerful energy center that activates your intuition. You don’t want negative, lower-level energies polluting it, so you want to first clear out the influences of the day by releasing toxic energies from it. Say to yourself, “I’m ready to release whatever is draining my third eye of energy and vitality, and to bring in my intuitive power and highest vision.” Imagine white light (some people may reso- nate more with a violet or gold light) coming down from the skies, sending all the gunk in your third eye outside of you with a giant whoosh. Now, feel the light filling your third eye, rejuvenating and recharging it, and replacing it with positive, love-based energy.

Step 2: Clear Out Your Ears

A lot of people don’t realize that we also have energy centers in our ears, which, like the third eye, are constantly picking up words, thoughts, beliefs, and vibrations from others. You don’t want this energy to invade your sacred slumber!

After you’ve cleared out your third eye, say to yourself, “I’m ready to release whatever is draining my ears of energy and vitality, and to bring in only the most loving words, thoughts, beliefs, and vibrations.” Visualize that the same light as before is coming through your ears in the form of a little tornado, clearing out any harsh or unkind sentiments that infiltrated your ear chakras throughout the day. Now, imagine this light is brightening your ears, filling them with words and sounds of kindness and positivity.

Step 3: Unblock Your Heart of Toxic Attachments

Finally, it’s time to unblock your heart of any toxic attachments that are making you feel disconnected from yourself and others. Your heart center is primarily where you store all the negative energy you’ve absorbed throughout the day. Your heart also has the largest and most powerful electromagnetic field in your body — so you want to make sure it’s clear of any negative influences. After you’ve cleared out your ear chakras, say to yourself, “I’m ready to release whatever is draining my heart of energy and vitality, and to bring in love, joy, and rejuvenation.” At this point, feel that same light you imag- ined whirling around your heart center, pulling out any toxic influences and making your heart shine bright and strong.

#2: Raise Your Vibration with Three Questions

It’s so important to raise your vibration — which will make you feel like you can move mountains—and it’s even more important to raise your vibration before you go to bed. I’ve found that this practice can be especially effective when it comes to turning your thoughts into reality. In fact, I’ve seen students and clients manifest what they want within 24 to 48 hours of doing this practice!

When you’re in a high vibration, you attract other high-vibration people, situations, and experiences. All you have to do is ask yourself three simple questions:

1. What am I grateful for?
2. What did I do right today?
3. What experiences do I wish to create, and what emotions do I want to accompany those experiences?

For the first two questions, focus on simple joys, even if you had a really bad day: “I’m grateful I have a roof over my head. I’m grateful for the air I’m breathing. There wasn’t any traffic on my morning commute. My boss complimented my work. My daughter told me the advice I gave her meant a lot.” As you reflect on these questions, you’ll feel both a sense of peace and excitement for all the beautiful things that are coming your way. Next thing you know, this high-vibrational energy will accumulate and flow into the next day, and you’ll start experiencing more of what you want.

#3: Find the Higher Meaning

Sometimes, at the end of the day, we might feel discouraged about something that happened as if a door slammed shut on our fingers instead of opened with grace and welcome. We all experience disappointment, but this practice will help you transmute disappointment into possibility: What’s the higher meaning of this?

When “bad” things happen, it’s easy to feel punished. But it’s crucial to reframe these events. Consider how what you perceive as a disappointment might actually be leading you to the life you desire. Maybe the person who broke up with you, who seemed like such a good fit, is moving out of the way so your heart can make room for your true soulmate. Maybe your car stalling and making you late for an import- ant meeting is a reminder to slow down and smell the roses instead of constantly overworking yourself.

Be open to the idea that what’s happening in your life is exactly what you asked for, even if it doesn’t seem like it. It’s making space for the new you who’s emerging . . . who’ll be here faster than you think. If you’re in pain, it’s not permanent. For example, if you’re suffering the loss of a relationship, what you often can’t see in the moment is that this opens the door to a truer love. In a lot of cases, our pain breaks open our hearts to deeper compassion, understanding, and wisdom, as well—as long as we have faith that there’s a purpose to it all. So, have faith that there is a higher meaning, and that what you want is right around the corner.

#4: Connect with the You Who Has It All

The final foundational practice is perhaps the most pow- erful, so I encourage you to spend the most time with it. In fact, if you do this three nights in a row, your life will never be the same!

There’s a version of you right now who has it all. This version of you exists in the quantum field of possibility and is already living your best life with all the abundance, joy, peace, love, and wellness you could imagine. So, after working through the first three practices, I want you to set a simple intention. Say to yourself, “I choose to connect to the highest version of me, the one who has it all.”

Next, imagine white light pouring down from the sky, going through your head and filling your entire body. Follow the light as far as you can go, beyond the edges of Earth and the solar system. Go to the very end of this cosmic light, and then beyond. Sense that your higher self is here, living the life of your dreams.

Don’t feel the need to force anything. You don’t even have to visualize all the things you want, although you are free to do so. Just let yourself be bathed in the energy of this glorious version of you. At first, your experience might feel subtle or even a little awkward. Just stick with it, and I promise you’ll come to understand why this exercise is so awesome. Most people don’t receive images in this place. It’s likely that the energy of the highest version of you will come through sensations, feelings, or just a sense that you’re connecting with something bigger than you.

As you make these foundational practices an intrinsic part of your life, everything will change. You may find yourself seeing, hearing, and sensing the loving presence of your highest self. Bathe in that vibration, allowing it to change you — because it will. I personally love falling asleep in this state, because I usually wake up with a greater sense of connection to that version of me. This only ends up magnetizing even more of what I want — and sometimes, miracles I didn’t even think to ask for!

You may also enjoy reading Sleep Better… A Few Stretches for Bedtime, by Carter Miles.

The post 4 Foundational Practices to Transform Your Sleep and Your Life appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

A childhood experience of loss persists many decades later as the author works through complex and even surprising emotions while writing a novel

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When I was twelve, a boy named Billy from my Sunday school class died when he followed his father into their burning house to try to save possessions. I’d known Billy, though not well, my whole life, and I was profoundly affected. Shock reverberated throughout our church community, but back then, no one sent kids for counseling after such a terrifying event.

Months later, when a neighbor boy arrived home from school and opened his kitchen door, smoke came pouring out. He pounded on our front door, hysterical; his dog was trapped inside his garage. My mom restrained him from going inside his burning house to rescue his pet. It was gut-wrenching waiting for a firefighter to jimmy open the garage door. The dog came running out and a happy reunion ensued.

It was evening by the time the firefighters carried smoldering furniture onto the neighbors’ lawn.  I remember all of it sitting there, charred dressers and beds and a little table with a fishbowl, three dead goldfish floating on top. Our neighbors invited us into the house to walk through rooms with blackened walls and ceilings and an unbearable acrid smell.

It seemed to me like a weird coincidence that these two fires had bracketed my sixth-grade year; as an adult, I realize it must have been an exceptionally dry year. But for months after Billy’s death and then again after the fire next door, I had nightmares. Often in them, a fire burned under our driveway. I walked over the hot ground, knowing that any time flames would burst through the concrete and consume us all.

I struggled with complicated feelings about Billy: shock, sadness, fear, and embarrassment about talking about death at all.

I went around thinking, “I know someone who died,” and then felt guilty, like an imposter, as if I were claiming a grief that didn’t belong to me. The real grief belonged to those who’d been close to Billy and his dad.  

I was especially puzzled by my embarrassment. Many years later, as a college professor, I saw this same embarrassment in my students—when my dad died, when a student wrote about the death of her twin sister. It was as if the emotions of grief were so profound that people felt awkward, as if the very fact of death somehow laid the survivors bare.

That underground fire felt like a symbol for all the emotions I had suppressed and the experience of adolescence overall, the sense that there was a jumble of feelings about love and friendship and identity and loss smoldering under the surface waiting to burst forth.

But the fire of my dreams was also about those literal fires that impressed on me how ephemeral our lives are, how temporary are even the things we think of as permanent like our homes and loved ones.

Over the years, fires continued to haunt my stories, starting with one I wrote in high school. A novel I worked on for many years beginning in the early 90s prominently featured a fire. Then, around 2006, I started writing the story that became Fires Burning Underground.

In the novel, on the brink of her twelfth birthday, Anny experiences similar intense and sometimes puzzling feelings at the loss of a Sunday school classmate in a fire. Sometimes she’s convinced that the boy who died is haunting her. His presence, whether literal or metaphorical—I left that open-ended—helps her to come to terms with her mix of emotions. The book, like that year of my life, is framed by fires: at the beginning, one resembling the fire that killed Billy; at the end, a fire in her neighborhood. Anny has to face her terror during that second fire and prevent her childhood friend Ella from going into a burning house to save her dog. In my story, that second fire helps Anny to come to terms with the first.

It’s a bit startling to realize how often I’ve written about this theme. The fact that I’ve continued to return to it reminds me of how significant those early experiences of death can be when we haven’t yet learned what feelings to expect or how to process them. I wanted to write honestly about Anny’s reaction, hoping that doing so in a book that’s also about friendship, imagination, humor and identity, will also reassure young readers that complicated feelings about loss are normal and that over time, we find ways to come to terms with them.

You may also enjoy reading Becoming Myself: Making Peace with a Traumatic Childhood, by Roberta Kuriloff.

The post Fire Burning: Revealing the Enduring Emotions of Childhood Trauma appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

After surviving a traumatic brain injury, Kelly Tuttle faced the harsh reality of rebuilding her life

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Kelly Tuttle, a neurology nurse practitioner, joined the leagues of patients she had helped treat when another car pulled out in front of her, causing a traumatic brain injury (TBI) in 2015. Despite the tumultuous journey that followed, Kelly’s indomitable spirit prevailed, propelling her toward a path of self-discovery and empowerment. In this conversation with Best Self, Kelly shares her story and expertise and invites you to join her in the journey of overcoming obstacles and reclaiming your power.

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Q: Hi Kelly, thank you for sharing your insights with our Best Self audience! Firstly, can you please share a bit about your career with traumatic brain injuries — and how you suddenly found yourself as a TBI patient yourself?

I embarked on my TBI life while driving home from work down a rural road. Suddenly, another driver pulled out in front of me, I could not stop on time before my vehicle T-boned the other car. It was a pretty severe crash. My car’s engine began smoking, glass was scattered everywhere, and the wreckage from the smashed vehicles was alarming. Neighbors started coming out of their houses to see what had happened and check if they could help. At the time, I had been a cardiology nurse practitioner for 20 years.

After my traumatic brain injury (TBI), I had to navigate my recovery on my own. I read numerous books on concussion recovery and explored various TBI websites to find ways to support my healing brain. During this process, I developed a passion for all things related to the brain. A friend suggested that I consider a career in neurology.  Two years later, I secured a position as a neurology nurse practitioner, and I have been happy ever since.

Q: How did that unimaginable experience impact your life and career going forward?

My traumatic brain injury (TBI) changed my life significantly. It affected every aspect of my existence: my career, family, finances, health, self-identity, and lifestyle. I lost friends and precious time with my children. I also developed neurofatigue, a common symptom following brain injuries, which has limited my ability to network and participate in activities.  

Q: You’ve displayed immense positivity since that event. What tools and strategies have you learned that can help others to process the experience and rebuild their lives — and even thrive — after adversity?

A person’s brain injury recovery will be as different as their personality. It’s crucial for a TBI survivor to identify their symptoms and track any changes over time, as these symptoms may evolve. They should also determine what exacerbates their symptoms. To achieve this, I recommend journaling and practicing mindfulness as the first tools to deploy after a brain injury.  

Understanding your brain injury symptoms and their triggers is crucial for guiding a TBI survivor in pursuing therapy and treatment from specialists, such as speech therapists, neurophysical therapists, behavioral optometrists, audiologists, psychiatrists, or doctors in physical medicine and rehabilitation. Recognizing these symptoms will help survivors identify the right strategies and tools to support their brain’s performance during healing.

Q: What’s the biggest hurdle you witness with people who remain stuck after traumatic events, even though they desperately want to move forward?

The biggest hurdle I’ve observed in people who remain stuck after a traumatic brain injury is their difficulty in letting go of their former selves. After a TBI, individuals must navigate through a process of grief. Feeling angry, sad, and frustrated about losing parts of their old life is normal. Still, those feelings shouldn’t prevent them from moving forward. When someone with a TBI accepts that they won’t return to their previous self anytime soon, they can start to understand their new brain and the person they are becoming.

This process does not happen overnight and needs to be supported by family, friends, support groups, counselors, family counselors, and psychologists.  

I was able to let go of my old self by writing down everything I had lost—my goals and passions—on one side of a piece of paper. On the other side, I listed all the things I had gained after my traumatic brain injury (TBI). When I compared the two lists, I found that I appreciated the new core values and passions I had developed. I liked the person I was becoming.

Q: You’ve published a book, After the Crash; can you share a bit about this story and your mission in writing it?

After my TBI, all I wanted was to return to work and resume my old life. During this pursuit, I felt a sense of anxiety and hopelessness. I made several mistakes that prolonged my recovery. I didn’t want other TBI survivors to make the same mistakes or feel the same way I did.  

In the weeks leading up to my return to work, I anxiously flipped through my traumatic brain injury recovery books. I scoured bookmarked websites for answers, help, and hope. Despite pushing through a headache, dizziness, and exhaustion, I found little of what I was seeking. 

I wrote my book to help traumatic brain injury survivors like me feel less lost when trying to return to work or school. My goal was to provide tools, strategies and resources to support mild TBI survivors in their reintegration into the workplace and educational settings. I want them to know there is hope and they are not alone.

Q: Thank you for this conversation; I hope it inspires our readers! Any last thoughts for those who may be facing adversity but don’t know what steps to take next?

If you are reading this and facing adversity, seek out your tribe. Connect with others who are navigating similar challenges. Share your story and learn from others.  You can connect with these people on your favorite social media platforms, in support groups, or at community meet-ups.  Look for advocates and content creators who offer valuable insights and resources. Embrace self-help or recovery books that inspire growth. Seek support from friends, family, medical providers, and mental health specialists, and remember that you are not alone on this journey.

You may also enjoy reading Adrenal Fatigue: Diagnosing the Burnout Epidemic, by Aviva Romm, MD.

The post Rebuilding Life After a Traumatic Brain Injury: A Q&A with Kelly Tuttle appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes

A woman reflects upon the importance of gratitude, the origins of which span the generations of her father, grandmother…and war

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When my kids were young, I often reminded them that they needed to put their “problems” in the proper perspective. What I meant was that they needed to be more appreciative of their lives—and what they had—spiritually and materialistically. I most often made the comment when they were acting like spoiled children—for example, when my fourteen-year-old said that she needed new clothes after we’d just gone clothes shopping for her a month earlier.

When I was young, my dad was an expert at putting my life in the proper perspective for me. He shared stories of growing up during World War II in Germany and surviving the Holocaust. He spoke about how in his early teens he was sent to a concentration camp. He ate only food scraps and at nightfall collapsed on the only things there were to sleep on—wooden barracks with hundreds of other prisoners. He was grateful for his job in the kitchen peeling potatoes, because he always had food.

Once he showed me the scar on his forehead inflicted upon him by Nazi soldiers when they found out he’d taken too much peel off the potatoes so he could toss it to his hungry friends in the barracks.

After the war he couldn’t stand the sight of red meat because it reminded him of all the dead bodies he’d seen. The mere sight of blood turned his stomach. He shared how he watched his younger brother and mother being taken away on the death-camp trains and how he never got to say goodbye. It dulled the grief when we named our son after his dead brother but being separated from one’s parents at the age of fifteen results in a degree of pain that lasts a lifetime.

My mother-in-law had her own share of hair-raising stories to tell when she lived with a Swiss family while trying to hide from the Nazis so they wouldn’t kill her and her sister. While hiding in the family’s basement, they shared food and lived in constant fear for their lives. They didn’t see their parents for five years.

I’m now the age was when my father died. My children left the nest a long time ago, and I’m now blessed to have six amazing grandchildren. During this last chapter of my life, I see how the mirror reveals my advancing years. In my younger days, it didn’t matter if I applied facial cream each morning. These days, if I skip just one day, my wrinkles appear like a vulture near a dead carcass. I remember the days when I ate all the Valentine’s Day and Halloween chocolate I desired, the scale never revealing my secret addiction. Today, there are no secrets, as my body’s metabolism has slowed down to a crawl.

The older I get, the more I look to the past for clarity and perspective.

One day in particular stands out. It was a rainy day, the perfect time for some spring-cleaning. I was going through our “catch all” closet and making piles of what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to discard. My first nurse’s uniform from forty years ago was put into a pile called “questionable: to be reviewed later.” Then I added Dad’s old figure skates, which he’d used to teach Paul Neuman to skate at Rockefeller Center in New York decades earlier. The “giveaway” pile included such things as old party and wedding invitations, the kids’ first Halloween costumes, birth announcements, expired coupons, New Year’s Eve hats, and incomplete decks of playing cards. The “must-keep pile” was the most fascinating. It included baby pictures, school notebooks, kindergarten photos, Dad’s favorite clothes, stamp and coin collections, framed photographs with broken glass, awards won in tennis tournaments, autographed paraphernalia, and old posters.

This task certainly took me down memory lane. Occasionally I would stop and gaze at what I’d found, and an entire era would be illuminated by a piece of memorabilia. But there was a special treasure that I stumbled upon which, as a writer, made me stop and stare. Before my eyes were some cartons of papers that time had yellowed. They included old report cards, letters I wrote from camp, and important documents, many of which I’d thought were lost.

As I approached the bottom of the carton, there was a stack of about fifteen papers held together in a plastic sheath. I felt my eyes momentarily bulge as I realized the true value of the treasure I was about to reveal. It was the journal I’d heard so much about, written by my grandmother after the turn of the century. I knew I had my day cut out for me as I read about a life that was so foreign yet so familiar, a life that threw the shadow of perspective immediately upon mine.

I’m sure the journal was typed on one of those manual, black, clunky-sounding Remington typewriters. The single-spaced document typed on loose-leaf paper had since turned light brown. White-out correction fluid was not yet on the market, so the pages were full of “strikeovers.” Grandma obviously didn’t care much about writing in paragraphs, as the twelve pages were written in one unbroken stream of consciousness.

Over the years I gathered bits and pieces of information about Grandma’s life and concluded that she’d had her share of misery, but I had no idea that reading her journal could make me so appreciative for my own life.

The tears poured down my face as I realized the origin of my love for writing and how Grandma’s words flowed as smoothly as the tears from my eyes, eyes that have seen little misery in her lifetime. I continued to read, and after just a few lines, I ran to the bathroom adjacent to my study and grabbed a newly opened box of tissues.

Grandma had been born in Poland in the early 1900s. Her journal was a reflective piece about her earlier years. She began with her dad discussing one night during dinner how war had just been declared—Austria-Hungry against Russia. The following morning she watched “swarms of soldiers marching” among the schoolchildren on the street in front of her house. She wrote: “Just when we thought the soldiers were leaving, they walked in reverse [turned around and went back] and got aggressive. Horses were running without riders on their backs. Those [many] who had riders had no arms nor legs and blood pours out of their bodies. Their clothes were torn. They were hungry and ate anything in sight. They raided our refrigerators and on the streets we held out jars with water and they drank eagerly at times reaching out to get a drink that they had no time to swallow. My mother was frantic. She wanted to run with the army, but dad refused to leave.”

One day grandma roamed the streets and saw menacing-looking Cossacks dressed in long black coats and fur caps, with ammunition slung across their chests and swords in their hands. “I ran when I saw a young boy on the deserted street and the Cossacks were hacking him into small pieces. His mother ran to pick up the bloody pieces on her apron. My father finally decided it was time to leave and go to Poland as the fighting continued relentlessly.”

As they were preparing to leave, a severe cholera epidemic hit the small Polish town. “First only a whispering with single cases here and there and then we all went into a state of horrified stupor. The stores closed. There was no school. There was no visiting, no handshakes and no taking money from others. Some people had a little bag of camphor around their necks, which was thought to offer little protection against the disease.”

Grandma’s parents developed cholera. Finally, her mother died a slow and inevitable death. My grandmother witnessed her burial in a mass grave of thirty or more people. Some of the deceased had family and some did not. Mom’s entire family was quarantined. It was not long after that her father died, also of cholera and apparently with no warning. Grandma was left alone in the world with her eight-year-old sister. “I was only eleven years old and very scared,” she wrote. “My oldest brother left town to take a job in Vienna, and soon after my youngest brother followed him. The once full and lively house became empty and more than half the town’s population died.”

Grandma found solace in the daily ritual of going to school, as she said it was the only time she could be a child.

But although she received a lot of assistance and food from caring neighbors and the school, she never felt it was enough, nor could it compensate for the loss of her parents. With her sister, she decided to hitch a ride on the slow-moving train to Vienna to find her older brothers. Visiting their homes brought more horrible revelations to the girls’ young hearts. The brothers’ wives practically slammed the doors in their faces! They said they had enough trouble feeding the mouths of their own children. Finally, the two sisters were placed in a small orphanage. There, the heartache of wearing rags for clothes and not having enough food to support their growing bodies continued to haunt them. Grandma’s writing ended with her high school graduation and her struggle to get a job as a bank teller.

***

I was unable to process Grandma’s story in one sitting. She had so many feelings of loneliness, anger, and resentment. Her life was filled with turmoil and grief, and as I look around today, I’m amazed that outside of raising three amazing humans, my life is calm and predictable. There are no scary-looking soldiers marching down my street and no deadly epidemics to fend off. In fact, most of us are so lucky to have the lives we do, so we need to be more aware of the dire situations that others have gone through in order to place our lives in the proper perspective.

After reading Grandma’s story, I had a visceral sense that life was just utterly unfair.

I wondered why Grandma had endured so many hardships and why I had been so lucky my whole life, always surrounded by good people and experiences. I felt that so much injustice had occurred, and I was feeling sorry for a woman I hardly knew.

While reading, I took a break to make my family’s favorite dinner, pasta. After we sat down and had been eating for a few minutes, my daughter, who was fourteen at the time, looked up from her plate and asked, “Mom, why are you so quiet tonight?”

“Actually, I’ve been reading my grandmother Regina’s journal, and I’m still in shock. I really must share the stories with you guys.”

As usual, we gobbled down dinner, and the kids, in their nightly robotic fashion, cleared the table. The girls loaded the dishwasher, and my son went back to his favorite pastime—curling up on the blue corduroy sofa and watching television. Later, the girls joined him. I returned to the lush sofa chair in my study and continued reading Grandma’s story.

I must have had the concept of “perspective” on my mind because the following day there was another incident that triggered some powerful emotions. My then–eight-year-old son, Joshua, joined the ranks. He finally decided that collecting beanie babies was the thing to do. Family trips were then geared around which stores sold these stuffed toys. My husband remarked in his usual wry tone, “You’re encouraging my son to collect these things while he should be collecting worms or stamps.”

Joshua’s collection grew, and anyone who visited our home, whether they wanted to or not, received a guided tour of his favorite friends. He was very conscientious about checking off his in his book which ones he owned and their apparent value. At one point, I realized the true value of those adorable, furry creatures. I served one of my gourmet casserole dinners when Joshua asked to be excused for a few seconds. He dashed out of the kitchen, across the dining room and living room, and headed for his bedroom. He returned to the kitchen with a huge shopping bag filled with beanies. He sat on the floor and looked up at all four of us sitting at the table just finishing dinner. “Wait, wait, don’t go anywhere,” he said, holding his hand out straight in our direction as if he were a traffic cop.

“I want to introduce you to my beanies, and then I will tell you their names. You betta pay attention because I will test you afterward, “he said. His two teenage sisters looked at him quizzically and then glanced back at me while rolling their eyes, obviously tired of his beanie-baby enthusiasm.

 “May we be excused?” they asked simultaneously.

“No,” my husband and I responded without the slightest hesitation.

“Hurry up,” Rachel said. “I have homework.”

“C’mon,” said Regine. “What’s taking you so long?”

Joshua proceeded to dump all his babies on the floor, and one by one he began reciting their names and then putting them back in the shopping bag.

“Slow down,” my husband requested, remembering that he would be “tested” and didn’t want to make a fool out of himself.

“OK, I’ll start over,” Joshua said.

In frustration, his older sister said, “No way. I can’t take this, Mom.” Joshua continued to plow through the names of his forty-odd beanie babies. He spared us all the little sayings on the red heart-shaped tags. We were lucky because he really loved talking, and especially loved making up stories. He methodically named each and every beanie baby, moving them from one pile to another. For the first time he was in control of his two older sisters. I never thought beanie babies could bridge the gap between siblings who bickered about everything. But, for however much money and time I spent supporting my son’s addiction, it was well worth the ten minutes of watching all three of my children giggling together for the first time in a long while. It was simply a case of “‘looking through this window’ and ‘now looking through that one.’”

Perspective is important to me. Knowing about my past gives me insight into the present and ideas about the future. My grandfather once told me with conviction, “You watch, my dear, history will repeat itself. Mark my words.” Although he mentioned this in the context of the fashion industry (he was a style nut), we could see how it could apply to other aspects of our lives. Now that I’m the age he was when he spoke those words, I realize the truth in what he said.

You may also enjoy reading How Connecting with Ancestors Can Help Heal Intergenerational Trauma, by Diana Raab PhD.

The post More than Gratitude: A Generational Legacy from War-Era to Modern Family appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes

Nothing about addiction is easy, but the first step to recovery is coming out of hiding and being willing to receive help

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[The following essay is an Excerpt from The Fix Your Addiction Handbook, by Faust Ruggiero, M.S., reproduced with permission.]

“It is where arrogance and humility trade, and the willingness to embrace the wisdom of those who know the way is born.“

Addiction is all too often a secretive way of life. Addicts are very slow to admit that there could be a problem with a substance or another activity. Family members, who are often embarrassed and afraid of what might happen if they disclose what is occurring, can become addiction coconspirators. They hide what the addict is doing and also what it is doing to them. This creates fertile ground for the addiction to grow and makes it difficult for others who are willing to help.

It is so important to let others in to help. It is difficult to make decisions that are in the best interest of both the addict and family members when everyone is continuously caught up in the downward spiral that addiction creates and everyone is hiding what is happening. An addiction can change everything about the way a family operates. Relationships suffer, there is often significant financial loss, communication is typically avoided, and in some cases, abuse and physical harm are a distinct possibility.

It is embarrassing to let others know what is happening because they will also know that the mask you have been wearing for so long is hiding the fact that you are a member of one of those families where an addict lives, and things are far from perfect. We all like others to believe we are doing well and happy. We fear becoming the focal point of gossip, and we fear that others will look down on us. No one likes to be thought of as that family down the street with a dirty little secret. Though this may not be what will happen, it is very easy for our minds to create that scenario.

Out of the Closet

At least in the short run, keeping secrets keeps others from knowing who we are and what is happening in our lives. If we are successful secret keepers, we avoid the embarrassment of having others know that our families have severe problems. It keeps us from feeling vulnerable and, in some cases, at the mercy of unsympathetic and ruthless people. It allows us to navigate in a world that can be cruel and unforgiving without surrendering the more intimate details of our lives. It protects us and reduces the potential impact of vicious attacks from other people.

The unfortunate side effect of keeping secrets is that we remain prisoners behind the masks we create. We must be constantly on guard and ready to fend off potential assaults, and we can live in a state of emotional paranoia, doing everything we can to keep others from understanding who we are and what we are experiencing. Staying in the addiction closet is an admission that we don’t measure up to other people we think are living lives that are happier and more together than ours. When we are hiding an addiction, we are hiding who we are, either as the addict or as the family member who is experiencing part of the addiction. Whether you are an addict or a family member, no one wants this secret to become common knowledge.

If you are going to get help to stop the damage the addiction is doing, then you are going to have to come out of the addiction closet and stop protecting the secret that continues to nurture this horrible way of living.

There will be an uncomfortable period in the early stages of recovery. So, people are going to learn that you are either addicted or that you are living with an addict. That may not feel good initially, but the goal is to stop the addiction and get healthy. What others say does not matter. Would you rather protect your secret and continue to live a life of pain at the hands of the addiction, or are you willing to step out from behind the shadows, get the help you need, and begin to live a happy and healthy life?

You are not going to broadcast the fact that you are either addicted or that you are living with an addict. You are not going to tell the world every horrible little detail about what you have been living with. You are simply going to ask other people for help, which, by definition, breaks the veil of secrecy and puts you in a position to move past the addiction. Others may find out that you are doing this, but the truth of the matter is that addiction is hard to keep under wraps forever. Sooner or later, they will find out something. It makes far more sense to have them find out that you were living with an addiction and that you had the courage to take the necessary steps to address the problem. Once again, it is not about what anyone else thinks. It is about you getting help for a serious life-threatening problem.

Taking the First Steps

The hardest part of addressing any problem is to know what to do first and how to do it. You start by deciding to get help. Nothing happens until you make that decision. When you do, there is no turning back. You must decide that this is what you are going to do, that nothing is going to stop you, and that you are not going to second guess yourself or find reasons to either put off the decision or negotiate your way into a process that keeps you comfortable and not fully committed to what you need to do.

Having decided to get help for the addiction, the steps you need to start your recovery process are:

1. Make an appointment with your primary care physician to determine if any physical concerns must be addressed.
2. Decide whom you will ask for help, make an initial appointment with that person, or attend your first support meeting.
3. Present as much information as possible to those who will help you.
4. Be willing to attend your second counseling session or support meeting.
5. To be willing to take the advice of people you are asking to help you are giving.

I will expand on each of these steps to help you more clearly understand the process involved. Initially, since this is unknown territory for you, taking your first steps can be difficult. It can be an emotional time for you, so it’s a little easier if you understand precisely how to proceed as you take your first steps.

1. Make an appointment with your primary care physician to determine if any physical concerns need to be addressed––Since trying to decide whom to call to start your recovery program can be intimidating, start with your primary care physician. Make an appointment with this person, and present them with as much information about what is happening as possible. This should include the type of addiction you are dealing with, how long it has been happening, any physical problems that have developed, and your family history, particularly as it relates to addiction.  Your primary care physician will ask you many questions about what is occurring and often has a list of addiction specialists, rehabilitation centers, support programs, and other professionals who can help you start the process.                                                                                    
2. Decide whom you will ask for help––If your primary care physician gives you an initial contact person, call that person. That person might be a professional counselor, a 12-step program contact, or another professional with an addiction background. Make an appointment for an initial consultation, or be willing to attend one support meeting on a trial basis. Taking this step helps you in two ways: (a) it helps you make the first step to take the problem out of the family and into the hands of a professional or support person, and (a) it gives you a direction that includes other people to help you, and more of the relevant information you need to understand the addiction and how to move past it.                                                                   
3. Present as much information as possible to those who will help you––This will help them formulate a program that meets your needs. Anyone’s ability to help you depends on how much accurate information you give them. You don’t have to have all the answers. You have to be willing to answer questions honestly and provide the facts you need, so they may understand what you have been living with and the initial steps you can take to begin the recovery process.                                                                                
4. Be willing to attend either your second counseling session or your second support meeting––Even though you have taken the right steps to secure those people who are going to help you in the initial stages of the recovery program, once you are there, it will still be new territory, and it can be a bit intimidating. It is very easy to turn away at this point and try to convince yourself that you didn’t get much out of it, it’s not for you, or make some other excuse not to go. Remember, even moving in the right direction, including a program that can save your life and help make it a happy place to live, can be uncomfortable. It is stepping out of what you considered a comfort zone and into an unknown way to live with new people you don’t know yet. Tell them if you are having a difficult time, and let them gently guide you as you progress in the program.                                                      
5. Be willing to take the advice of people whom you are asking to help you are giving–– Getting help for addiction has all the classic approach-avoidance feelings that cause us to run away from what we are trying to do. The advice here is to slow down and keep your emotions from overriding what your brain tells you to do. Be willing to trust these people enough to continue to get to know them and to understand what they are telling you to do. No one is expecting you to understand the information immediately. There are no tests to determine if you do. You are attempting to step out of an addictive way of life and into a recovery program that can have tremendous positive effects on your life. Try to relax as much as you can, confide in these people, and let them guide you through the program.

Room to Breathe

Living with an addiction can be a stifling experience. Sometimes, it’s difficult to catch your breath. In its mildest cases, it could be a loss of finances, verbal arguments, compromised family time, and priorities that are left unaddressed. In the more serious cases, it could be loss of homes, health, severe cases of abuse, and death. Addiction does not discriminate; it has no boundaries, and it respects no one. Addicts are often caught in an obsessive-compulsive disorder that can destroy their lives and have a severe impact on those close to them. Family members never know precisely what to expect, are always prepared for the worst, and are often exhausted by the emotional tug-of-war that defines their lives. Just having a moment to catch one’s breath is a Godsend.

Addicts and family members alike pray for an end to this vicious cycle and say they are willing to do anything to make it stop. However, when the time comes to follow through and pursue a course of recovery that includes people to help them through the process, they can struggle. For those who are willing to stretch beyond the clutches of the addiction and reach out to others who have experience with addiction or have expertise in an area that can guide them into the beginnings of a recovery process, they can finally catch their breath knowing that they don’t have to do this alone, and that others are there any time they need help.

Asking for help can be difficult for two reasons:

• It demands that you surrender control part of your life to someone you do not yet know.
• It demands that you trust someone who knows how to help you but who you do not yet have a history with.

Keep this in mind. As you take these initial steps into the recovery process, you have decided to remove yourself from a life that was often suffocating, abusive, and unrelenting. You are making this decision because you understand that if you continue to stay in the clutches of the addiction, you will remain unhappy, abused, and emotionally exhausted. Allowing other people to help you can set the stage for a life that can be significantly more productive, happier, and more peaceful. To make this happen, however, you need to take the initial steps to gain a better understanding of addiction and the treatment alternatives that are available to you.

The willingness to let others help is the initial step you need to begin your recovery from the clutches of the addiction.

Many people, knowing that they must do something to stop the damage the addiction is doing and to take control of their lives, never decide to get help. The decisions are the necessary first steps, but the follow-through is equally important. Decide to do what it takes to restore order and sanity to your life. Be willing to let others in and accept the advice and assistance they are willing to provide. If you do, your journey into a life of recovery from what the addiction is causing can finally begin.

Nothing about addiction is easy, and no one says recovery will be. On the other hand, you will be dedicating yourself to a program with a solid and positive forward progression, with people with the experience and expertise to help you open new doors that can lead to the happiness that is waiting for you. Make the decisions, follow through, and begin what can become the best part of your life.

You may also enjoy reading Taking The Hand of The Unknown: A Journey From Addiction to Intuition, by Amelia Stuart.

The post Letting Others In: The First Step in Getting Help with Addiction appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

An intuitive and healer channels her own life experience to help others find transformational healing by connecting with their inner child

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At Best Self, we are constently exploring modalities for healing. It was a delight to discover the work of Christina Prokos, an intuitive and healer whose practice is rooted in reconnecting with the inner child. We knew we had to learn more, and invited her to contibute to this revealing Q&A. May you find yourself inspired to do a little healing work yourself! — Bill Miles, Co-Founder, Best Self Magazine.

Q: Hi Christina, we’re thrilled to share your insights with our Best Self audience. Can you please begin by sharing your personal connection to healing and why it has become a mission of yours to guide others in their healing journey?

My personal mission is rooted in a deeply transformative journey, one where I initially found myself overwhelmed by my own intuitive gifts. For much of my life, I struggled to align with my desires, feeling as though I was a victim of circumstances beyond my control. The anxieties that accompanied my intuitive abilities grew stronger, clouding my sense of direction and purpose. My life wasn’t what I envisioned, and the weight of this disconnect became more and more apparent.

It wasn’t until I reached a point where I had no choice but to lean into my intuition that everything shifted. I began to truly listen to the quiet, inner guidance that had always been there, waiting for me to acknowledge it. As I surrendered to this process, profound changes started to unfold, both within myself and in the external world around me. This marked the beginning of a deep inspiration to help others navigate their own paths to healing.

I trusted my intuition to lead me to where I was needed, offering insights I had gained along the way. This commitment to self-trust eventually guided me to a deeper understanding of trauma, particularly the unmet needs of the inner child. Through this connection, I found a calling to support others in their healing journeys, offering them the same level of trust, insight, and compassion that transformed my own life. My mission now centers on helping individuals uncover their own intuitive wisdom, heal past traumas, and nurture the wounded parts of themselves, empowering them to step into lives of purpose and fulfillment.

Q: Is it really possible to explore and connect to one’s inner child as a means to facilitate healing and emotional growth and self-discovery? What does that look like?

 Exploring and connecting with the inner child is a powerful gateway to personal growth and self-discipline. The inner child is the keeper of our most authentic truths, wisdom, and core beliefs — many of which were formed in childhood and continue to shape our experiences today. This part of us stores not only memories but also the emotional imprints that define how we perceive and react to the world. When we engage with the inner child, we tap into a deeper level of self-awareness, revealing hidden beliefs and emotional wounds that may unconsciously guide our thoughts, actions, and choices.

By connecting to the inner child, we can begin to understand the roots of our current vibrational state — the energy we emit based on how we feel and believe at our core. Since the inner child leads this vibrational state, the emotions, fears, or unhealed traumas stored in this part of us have a profound impact on the frequency we operate in daily life. If the inner child feels neglected, fearful, or unworthy, those unresolved emotions will lower our vibrational energy, attracting experiences that mirror those beliefs. Conversely, when we nurture, heal, and acknowledge the inner child, we elevate our frequency, aligning with more positive, supportive outcomes.

The laws of attraction are deeply intertwined with this process. As you shift your vibrational state by healing the inner child, you create space for new experiences that reflect this growth. By embracing the truths held within, you can reprogram outdated beliefs, bringing your desires into harmony with your internal state. Growth and self-discipline stem from this practice as well — by confronting the fears or unmet needs of the inner child, you develop the emotional resilience to make disciplined choices that serve your higher self. Through regular inner child work, you build a foundation of self-love, trust, and discipline, which not only transforms your inner world but also reshapes the external circumstances you attract.

This powerful alignment between your inner child and your conscious self allows for lasting growth, fostering greater self-discipline as you make choices that are more aligned with your true desires and highest potential. By healing the inner child, you unlock the ability to shift your reality and manifest the life you are truly meant to live.

Q: You refer to an ancient practice of Soul Retrieval…can you please explain what that means and how one can apply that in their own life?

Soul retrieval is a powerful healing practice rooted in shamanic traditions, designed to restore wholeness by reclaiming fragmented parts of the soul that may have been lost due to trauma or emotional distress. When we experience significant pain or suffering, whether physical, emotional or spiritual, parts of our soul can disassociate or become disconnected as a survival mechanism. This can leave individuals feeling incomplete, disconnected or lost.

Soul retrieval works by guiding the person through a deep, meditative journey, often with the assistance of a healer, to retrieve those lost soul fragments. Once these parts are reintegrated, individuals often experience a renewed sense of vitality, emotional clarity, and spiritual alignment. This practice is especially beneficial for those who have experienced repeated patterns of trauma, feeling stuck in life, or a sense of emptiness that cannot be filled by external means.

In essence, soul retrieval is about bringing the individual back to a state of inner wholeness, healing deep wounds, and reconnecting them to their authentic self, fostering greater emotional balance and spiritual growth.

Q: How do you guide couples to revitalize their relationships by addressing deep-seated issues and nurturing trust, communication, and intimacy, leading to a renewed and fulfilling partnership?

When working with couples, it’s crucial to address the wounds each individual carries from childhood. These early experiences often shape how they communicate, perceive conflict, and express their needs in relationships. Many couples unknowingly project unresolved childhood traumas and unmet emotional needs onto their partner, which can lead to misunderstandings, miscommunication, and a breakdown in trust. By exploring these wounds, both partners can gain deeper insight into how their past affects their current dynamics, allowing for more compassionate and effective communication.

Understanding childhood needs is particularly empowering for individuals within a relationship. When each person is able to recognize the unmet needs or traumas from their upbringing, they begin to understand the emotional triggers or patterns that may arise during conflicts or challenging moments with their partner. This self-awareness is the first step in learning how to fulfill personal needs, rather than relying on the other partner to meet them unconsciously. It moves the relationship dynamic from one of dependency or blame to one where both individuals take responsibility for their own healing and emotional well-being.

As each partner takes ownership of their personal needs and childhood wounds, the relationship begins to restore its natural balance. Instead of seeking validation or emotional fulfillment exclusively from the other, both partners can approach the relationship from a place of wholeness. This balance creates a healthier dynamic where there is space for individual growth, as well as mutual support, fostering deeper emotional intimacy.

By addressing childhood wounds, couples also rebuild the foundation of trust. With clearer communication, rooted in understanding both their own and their partner’s childhood influences, they are better equipped to navigate conflicts with empathy and patience. Trust flourishes when each partner feels seen and heard, and when the relationship becomes a safe space for healing. This deeper understanding of oneself and one another strengthens the bond, allowing the relationship to evolve from old, conditioned patterns into one based on genuine connection, mutual respect, and lasting love.

Q: Lastly, when someone is feeling stuck in life, but not sure of the root causes or what to about it…what advice would you give them as a starting point?

If someone is feeling stuck in life and unsure of the root causes, the best place to start is by exploring the inner child. The inner child holds deep insights into the beliefs, emotional patterns, and unresolved wounds that often contribute to feeling stuck or blocked. When we feel stagnant or unsure of our direction, it’s typically because there are underlying emotional needs or traumas from childhood that remain unaddressed.

The first step is to create space for self-reflection and awareness. Begin by asking yourself key questions related to childhood: What were some of my early experiences that left lasting emotional imprints? Were there times when I felt unloved, unseen, or unheard? What did I need most as a child that I didn’t receive? These reflections can reveal patterns or beliefs that are still influencing your thoughts, behaviors, and choices today. Often, the ways we cope as adults — whether through avoidance, perfectionism, or fear — are rooted in the survival mechanisms developed as children.

Next, it’s important to approach these memories and emotions with compassion. Your inner child represents a vulnerable part of yourself that may have felt neglected, rejected, or misunderstood. By acknowledging and validating those feelings, you begin to heal the wounds that may be causing stagnation in your life. Connecting with the inner child through journaling, meditation or visualization exercises allows you to listen to what this part of you truly needs to feel safe and empowered.

Once you understand these deeper needs, you can take steps to reparent your inner child. This means giving yourself the love, support, and security that may have been missing during childhood. By meeting these emotional needs in the present, you begin to shift your internal energy, which opens up new possibilities for growth and change. The inner child plays a crucial role in your vibrational state, and when you heal and nurture this part of yourself, you raise your frequency and start to attract more aligned and fulfilling opportunities into your life.

Lastly, be patient with yourself. The process of uncovering and healing inner child wounds can take time, but with each step, you’ll gain more clarity about the root causes of feeling stuck and how to move forward. Trust that by connecting with your inner child, you’ll begin to unlock the insights and wisdom needed to realign your life and create the outcomes you desire.

Q: Thank you for this conversation! Where should readers go to learn more about your work?

My website and Instagram.

You may also enjoy reading Nurturing and Vulnerability: The Power of Healing Our Wounded Child, by Ron Baker.

The post Healing and the Inner Child: A Best Self Q&A appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

We all feel critical of ourself at times, and while there’s value in self-reflection, self-criticism is an unserving behavior that you can change

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One of the most important life skills you can learn is to take charge of your self-sabotaging commentary continuously parading through your mind. This constant running monologue going on inside your head can either positively or negatively impact your mood, self-image, relationships, stress level and even your health.

You can get so used to the stream of self-limiting messages winding their way through your thoughts that they often go unnoticed. Yet the quality of this inner language directly affects the quality of your life.

It is estimated that we make about 50,000 self-talk utterances per day and the far majority is negative. That’s a whole lot of negativity! This is partly because we tend to judge ourselves more harshly than we judge others, especially when we make a mistake.

While you may assume being harsh on yourself will motivate you to shape up and do better, the research shows that’s a wrong assumption. The opposite is actually true. The kinder you are to yourself, the more productive you are.

What Are You Telling Yourself?

Your emotional state depends on what you believe and tell yourself. Your inner voice provides a continuous monologue that combines conscious thoughts with underlying unconscious beliefs and biases. Self-talk is learned from family imprinting and cultural conditioning. Your pattern of self-talk creates a groove in your mind, making it difficult to take a different route.

Catching yourself is the first step to breaking out of a destructive self-talk cycle so you can fill that space with kind, soothing thoughts. Any challenging situation you find yourself in is bad enough without adding the extra baggage streaming from your inner critic. If you change the way you communicate with yourself you can limit the amount of stress you create in your life. Once there is awareness, you can challenge a previously-accepted way of talking to yourself and decide you are no longer going to accept it.

The idea is to come to recognize when the voice in your head starts to turn sour before the harsh tone becomes downright cruel. By changing your self-talk early in the downward spin, you can interrupt the emotional spiral before it spins you out of control.

Cheryl Richardson, New York Times best-selling author of The Art of Extreme Self-Care: 12 Practical and Inspiring Ways to Love Yourself More, calls our tendency to get swept away and spin out of control “getting on the crazy train.” Her message is to catch yourself as you put one foot on the platform before you get aboard the crazy train. I love this image. I’ve found it helpful to tell myself “You’re about to get on the crazy train,” as a reminder to temper my critical self-talk.

Learning the Language of Self-Support

If you don’t learn to take steps to feed yourself a higher quality of self-talk you’ll come to accept a less than positive image of yourself. But you can retrain your brain to form a new pathway that eventually becomes your preferred route.

Our highly-skewed ratio of negative to positive self-talk can lead to anxiety, stress, worry or even panic. This self-defeating internal chatter takes an emotional toll. While occasional downbeat or judgmental self-talk has little impact on your state of mind, if it is an ongoing negative spiel it will have a dampening effect on your mood and, eventually, your overall outlook.

Our tendency for negative self-talk often leads to making sweeping generalizations like, “I can’t do anything right,” or “I’m never going to learn.”

When something happens, a common reaction is to overreact by making things far worse than they are. The event might be something relatively minor, such as a traffic jam, waiting in line or criticism from a friend, but you magnify it way out of proportion by telling yourself “It’s terrible,” or “I can’t take it.” You have to choose the words you use to talk to yourself mindfully because they become as real as the ground you walk on.

Only you can control the conversation going on in your head. You can make the conscious choice to talk to yourself with reassurance rather than reproach. When you learn to squelch the condemning critic and replace it with the accepting advocate you can transform your negative storylines to reduce the stress and emotional upheaval you experience.

For example, your condemning critic may be telling you “Nothing in my life ever goes right,” while your accepting advocate might tell you something like “My life has ups and downs just like everyone’s life and this will pass.” The moment you step out from under the weight of your condemning critic you’ll be able to defuse its power over you.

Your condemning critic can be challenged, deflated and sidelined when you change your internal conversations to become a compassionate ally to yourself. Supportive self-talk is a skill that can be learned.

4 Ways to Temper Your Condemning Critic

There are many strategies that can be useful for practicing a more constructive inner voice with a kinder tone. Here are four ways to try to rein in your condemning critic.

1. Shift to using “distanced self-talk”

Research shows that when you talk to yourself in what psychologists call “distanced self-talk” it fosters psychological distance and leads to better emotional regulation and self-control. Distanced self-talk is when you use words for yourself that are usually reserved for others — a name, and second- and third-person pronouns. These pronouns are you, your and he, him, she, her, they, them.

This subtle shift in language from using I or me in self-talk creates a distance from the self and its emotional intensity. By silently referring to yourself using your own name and non first-person singular pronouns you are better able to deal with negative emotions. When you talk to yourself this way it can instigate a shift in perspective away from an egocentric immersed point of view, to a more objective viewpoint. Besides maybe feeling a little silly, you’ve really got nothing to lose by trying to talk to yourself using distanced self-talk.

Mindfulness is at its core also rooted in creating distance between yourself and your thoughts, increasing the gap between an impulse and an action. So if you have been practicing mindfulness, this way of talking to yourself may come easy.

Here are two examples:

“Why is Barbara feeling like this?”

“You are blaming yourself for what she did.”

2. Lighten things up by mocking yourself

Another strategy to dispel your condemning critic is to try to lighten things up by lightheartedly mocking yourself. Such flippant self-talk can jolt you into a more realistic view of your competencies and worth. Instead of taking your thoughts seriously, you would mock yourself in an exaggerated way. Here’s an example:

“Yup, you’re a complete and utter failure because you messed up this time.”

3. Create a character for your condemning critic

You might also come up with a conspiring character. You can give the character a silly voice and a name that depicts a nasty character. Then you can visualize this character and hear its voice to remind you that your condemning critic is onboard. I’ve named my condemning critic “Ms. Meany.” If I can bring to mind a picture of her scolding me with her finger, it jerks me out of my critical tirade.

4. Address yourself using “terms of endearment”

The last way to be a kind voice in your head is to address yourself using “terms of endearment” — your nickname, honey, bud or whatever term connotes loving kindness. When you start with an endearing term it’s hard to follow up with something mean. For example, “Honey, you are taking this way too seriously.” Contemplate what term you might use for your accepting advocate. Was there a term your favorite aunt or uncle or grandparent used to call you that conjures up unconditional love?

You may also enjoy reading Why You Should Cultivate and Practice Self-Compassion, by Barbara Bloom.

The post How to Temper Your Inner Critic appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Finding one’s passion can be elusive for many, especially as we grow and change; here are some ideas to help you find yours

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This past month I entered into my seventh decade and realized that some of the passions of my youth might be shifting or taking another form. I’m a little burnt out with writing and would love to try something new, but I’m not sure what that is. I’m being open-minded about what it may be, and I’ve been investigating different avenues.

Living with Passion

Having passion is the fuel that inspires us to wake up in the morning. Discovering and claiming our passion is about knowing what we love to do, which can have a powerful effect on our lives. If what we are doing does not make us happy, then it might be time to evaluate and recalibrate what would elicit the most joy.

Living out what we were meant to do with our lives can lead to a sense of bliss, which may be about ridding ourselves of habits, situations, and relationships that no longer serve us and replacing them with those that do. Finding our calling is about bringing into our lives all those things that bring out our potential and help us live life to the fullest.

There have been many articles written on finding our passion or life calling. Different terms have been used to explain this concept. In ancient times, the Romans called it genius, Greek philosophers called it the daimon, and Christians called it the guardian angel.

The American Psychologist James Hillman who passed away in 2011, used even more words to describe one’s sense of calling, such as fate, character, image, soul, and destiny, depending upon the context. Hillman also coined the term following your bliss, which is another way of saying that you should follow the path that brings you joy in order to get the most out of life. I wrote more about this in my book, Writing for Bliss.

Do We Know Our Life Passions?

By the time we arrive in our sixth and seventh decades, we are well aware of our life passions. Some of us knew our passions from an early age, and they were carried with us across our lifespan. Others might have changed life passions a few times during the course of their lives.

Since a young age, I knew my passion and calling was for writing. This passion began in the 1960s when my mother handed me a Kahlil Gibran journal to help me cope with the death of my grandmother, who was my primary caretaker. Kahlil Gibran was an American writer, poet and philosopher who died in 1931. His words had a huge influence on me during adolescence. Also, receiving that journal was a pivotal moment for me; I realized when I was writing, my heart was singing. That’s how I knew that writing was a career path for me.

Many people who sign up for my writing workshops are often in the midst of some life transition or are at a crossroads where they’re unsure what they want to do with their lives. One of the first prompts I give participants is to write about an important memory from their childhoods. Most often they write about a life-changing event.

The second prompt is to write about what brought them joy as a child. Sometimes, but not always, this sense of joy is connected to what might bring them happiness as an adult. Perhaps a lived experience from childhood served as a springboard for their life passion, profession, or theme. Certainly, this was the case for me.

Finding Happiness in What We Do

As the daughter of two immigrants who worked long hours, I was often left to fend for myself. I spent a lot of time in my room reading and writing. Children’s passions are often reinforced by the adults in their world, and at school and at home, I received accolades for my writing. This encouraged me to write even more. Sometimes it’s a good idea to look back upon our childhoods, reflect on where we received praise and encouragement, and determine if that’s where our happiness may lie.

When I sit down to write, there are higher forces that speak to me, and sometimes while writing I enter into a trance — I transcend universes where the deepest of creative forces are at play.

When I studied psychology in graduate school, I learned that those who are deeply passionate about something have an urgent need to make a change in the world or to serve humanity. They are possessed by their passion. Mine was teaching others through writing. Once we open our eyes and are aware of what brings us joy, the universe will send opportunities our way. As my own experience shows, following one’s bliss usually involves connecting to our life theme. It is also a key component in achieving a sense of well-being.

Looking for a New Passion

Here are some ways that we can find or figure out our newest passion:

1. Think about what natural talents you have or what you would love to do if you chose to reinvent yourself.
2. Surround yourself with like-minded individuals or those whose ideas or passions resonate with you.
3. Be mindful about what annoys you and what makes you happy.
4. Think about an activity during which you might lose track of time. Chances are it’s connected to a passion.
5. Maintain a clear and open emotional state by engaging in self-care through meditation, exercise, spending time in nature, and setting intentions.
6. Think about your favorite movies, books and music and note the common thread that runs through each. This might connect to a life passion.
7. Ask close friends to describe or tell you, what poet Mary Oliver asked, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

What has been your life passion to date? Have you ever considered changing it? What would you change it to, if you were deciding to reinvent yourself?

You may also enjoy reading Of Dreamers and Dreams: The Virtues of Passion, Heart & Hope, by Solomon Stevens PhD.

The post Finding Your Passion…Again appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

A toxic, hyper-commercialization of all our holidays has hollowed out their meaning; perhaps it’s time to reverse the trend

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It’s hard to imagine, but legend has it that the winter holiday season in America was once celebrated with “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” while Jack Frost nipped at your nose. Gifts and decorations, the legend continues, were simple, thoughtful, and hand-made.

Compare that image to the reality of the winter holidays in America today: an avalanche of plastic tinsel, factory-made ornaments, non-biodegradable glitter and wrapping paper; endless cookies and sugary desserts (including candy canes made with petroleum-based red-dye 40); jam-packed calendars full of social events and obligations; compulsive shopping and eating; and an abundance of alcohol to cope with all the chaos and stress.

Next up is Valentines’ Day, with more alcohol and obligatory shopping, garlands of red plastic hearts, flowers sprayed with pesticides, and heart-shaped sweets made with high-fructose corn syrup, artificial flavors and colors, and a litany of mysterious, unpronounceable ingredients.

Then comes St. Patrick’s Day, which may as well be renamed Let’s All Get Drunk Day. Our national St. Patty’s Day hangover has barely worn off by the time grocery stores start filling their shelves with plastic easter eggs, pastel-colored disposable decorations, jellybeans in all the colors of the chemical food dye rainbow, and various mass-produced stuffed-animal bunnies. And, of course, Peeps.

On July 4th we celebrate the Declaration of Independence and our country’s separation from Great Britain by buying mountains of red, white and blue decorations that make an appearance for a few hours before ending up in the trash bin. The day is marked by plenty of alcohol, of course — as well as by fireworks that leave metals, toxins, and harmful chemicals in the air for days.

Next up, Halloween — second only to Christmas as far as consumer spending goes, and #1 when it comes to poisoning our children with piles of candy from the cynical Big Food corporations.

Thanksgiving isn’t too bad, with its focus on family, gratitude, and a (theoretically) homemade feast, especially with our growing awareness of Indigenous people’s history and culture… However, any tradition that encourages eating and drinking until you have to unbutton your pants, and then lie on the couch bloated and moaning, might be worth revisiting.

Throw in a birthday and an anniversary here or there, complete with more presents, cake, and alcohol, and round-and-round goes the yearly wheel of toxic, hyper-commercialized holidays.

What happened? When did our once-sacred “holy-days” lose their sacred nature and become exercises in gluttony and compulsive consumerism?

Long, long ago, our holidays, celebrations and traditions were expressions of a deep and sacred wisdom—a wisdom that reflected our timeless connection with the natural world, an awareness of and reverence for our place in the cosmos, and a desire to commune with the Infinite. Multi-colored Peeps weren’t missed.

We’ve lost sight of the fact that holidays can be far more than taking a (much needed!) day off from work or school. Our traditions can inform our culture by reminding us of our shared beliefs and cherished values. They have the potential to revivify what is most important and sacred in this life.

Of course, modern holidays are a disturbingly accurate reflection of the things our culture prioritizes. While there is little chance that mainstream culture will turn away from the deafening allure of consumerism any time soon, that doesn’t mean we all have to follow suit.

The following are suggestions for reimagining our way through the calendar year. We can replace our hyper-commercialized holiday traditions with rituals that joyfully draw our attention to the rhythm of seasons, the movement of the cosmos, the ancient wisdom of our ancestors, and our connection to the sacred… the Divine.

WINTER HOLIDAYS

Let’s start with an alternative to the hollow, materialistic mania that now marks the winter holidays. Long before the eruption of compulsive gift buying and LED lawn decorations — in fact, as far back as we can peer into human history — cultures around the world have celebrated the winter solstice, honoring the culmination of darkness and anticipating the return of the light.

Dating all the way back to prehistoric times (think Stonehenge and Newgrange), humans have identified the time of the winter solstice as a uniquely potent, and even supernatural, season: a time when the veil or boundary between the realm of spirit and the human world disappears, and the sun — and therefore time itself — appears to stand still.

If we follow our ancestors’ lead and look to what Nature is doing at this time, we see that trees have dropped their leaves, animals are hibernating or otherwise conserving energy, and plants and grasses have receded back into the Earth.

Everything is drawing energy inward. This is a time to dive into one’s inner world, to pause, rest, reflect and replenish.

Imagine all of humanity slowing down for the winter holidays, reflecting on the year gone by and pivoting to receive Divine guidance for the year ahead.

Imagine all of humanity diving into the womb of winter to plant inspired dream-seeds in the fertile soil of the darkness. Imagine all of humanity discovering through this winter window of magic their own co-creative power and magnificence.

The ancient pagan practice known as The 13 Holy Nights can serve as a helpful guide in this process. This practice consists of a 13-day dive into the “radiant darkness,” with each day corresponding to a month in the new year (with the exception of the first day, which corresponds to the entire year to come). It encourages us to set aside 13 days to be present to, and to consciously co-create with the Mystery.

For more details on this practice, visit 13holynightsoracle.com/13hn.

LOVE EACH OTHER

Shortly after emerging from the cave of the Holy Nights, we are greeted by Valentine’s Day. What if we transformed this highly commercialized holiday into an opportunity to simply celebrate Love à la carte — that is, Love without all the shopping and sugar? What if, rather than spending money on store-bought gifts, cards, and sweets, we spent the day doing our best to simply fulfill the most fundamental teaching of all the world’s religions: Love each other. Love the one you’re with. Love thy neighbor as thyself. Love your enemies. Love your fellow beings.

Imagine all of humanity doing their very best to send loving kindness to every single being (human, animal, plant, or insect) they happen to cross paths with on this sacred day. Imagine a day dedicated to accepting our differences and acknowledging our underlying sameness. Imagine a day when we all did our best not to hurt each other. Imagine a day when all of humanity could simply lean into Love… could simply BE Love. I’m in.

Books to help us learn to Love better: The Purpose of Life, David Sunfellow; Learning to Love Yourself, Gay Hendricks

ST. PATTY’S DAY (SPRING EQUINOX DETOX?)

Ironically, the holiday that tends to most glorify excessive alcohol consumption happens to fall within a few days of the spring equinox — a time when the world’s oldest healing traditions, Ayurveda and Chinese Medicine, encourage cleansing practices to aide in the body’s detoxification.

According to these ancient systems of healing wisdom, spring correlates to the liver and gallbladder. These organs are responsible for breaking down poisonous substances (such as alcohol) and directing them out of the body. The spring season is therefore the perfect time to give our bodies and these organs of detoxification a break… and some much needed TLC.

What if all of humanity, on and around the time of the spring equinox, instead of doing our very best to poison the temples that house our souls, collectively took a day or a week to honor, purify, cleanse, and detox our bodies, hearts and minds — a complete spring cleaning?

And what if “cleansing” didn’t have to feel like a punishment or a set of depressing restrictions to be endured?

What if your “spring equinox detox” included treating yourself to a day at the local spa or hot springs, a deep tissue massage, a steam sauna, a spritz with your favorite essential oils, a nap, some good old fashioned sunshine, an evening of candlelight, 24 hours away from your phone/computer, a hike in your favorite nature preserve or forest, a walk on the beach, a plunge in the ocean, a day spent relaxing by a lake or river, a yoga class, a ritual burning of sage or palo santo, a good book on finding forgiveness, a table full of beautiful, organic, whole foods lovingly prepared to nourish the body and delight the senses? Imagine us all supporting and encouraging each other to take exquisite care of ourselves for one day, one week, or even three weeks. Yes, please!

EASTER RESURRECTION AND REBIRTH

While themes of fertility, rebirth and resurrection are at the heart of the Easter holiday, baskets crammed with fake grass, plastic eggs, waxy chocolate bunnies and other candies rule the hearts of our children on Easter Sunday.

What if, instead of filling our children’s Easter baskets with plastic and processed sugar, we filled them with packets of flower, herb and vegetable seeds, flower bulbs, and vegetable starts, and spent the day in the garden (or depending on your circumstances, potting some herbs for the kitchen window sill)? Digging in the garden, we might notice the many ways Nature spontaneously resurrects herself after a long, cold, dark winter. We might also take note of what happens to be budding inside of our own hearts and minds. We could intentionally take some time to identify and share with our friends, family, pets, and plants, or journal the desires and inspirations germinating within us.

Imagine a day spent noticing and acknowledging that just as Nature wakes from her slumber, humanity too is in process of awakening from a deep sleep. What if Easter was a day dedicated to exploring the nature of our own consciousness, a day dedicated to awakening our awareness to… itself. A day set aside to support and encourage the resurrection of our own awakened awareness.

Perhaps we would spend the day meditating alone or with others, deep in contemplation, in prayer or in conversations reflecting upon the divinely creative nature of human consciousness. This day of meditation and contemplation might be followed by a joyous celebration with friends and family in recognition of our own inner light. Namaste, Hallelujah, A’ho and Amen!

Here are a handful of my favorite authors whose books explore the nature of human consciousness: Lao Tzu, Adyashanti, Bruce Lipton, Lynne Mctaggart, Joe Dispenza, Neville Goddard, Florence Scovel Shinn, Kyriacos C. Markides, Michael A. Singer, Rudolf Steiner

INDEPENDENCE DAY

On July 4th Americans wear red, white and blue in celebration of our country’s independence and freedom. However, for many of us this celebration is overshadowed by the fact that corporate money and greed have infiltrated our government and politics, leaving us unwilling participants in a system that feels impossibly far from its original virtues.

What if, instead of waving plastic flags and drinking beer on Independence Day, we all made strides towards true independence and freedom for ourselves and for all of humanity? Imagine a day when we all took one, two or three action steps to liberate ourselves from the current sick and toxic power structures running our world?

Some ideas:

1. Plant fruit trees, medicinal herbs and/or veggies in your yard
2. Dive into a book or course on permaculture, food foresting, regenerative farming, and/or holistic land management (Restoration Agriculture by Mark Shepard is an inspiring read, and Allan Savory’s 2013 TED Talk, “How to fight desertification and reverse climate change,” never fails to fill me with hope for humanity and the planet)
3. Plant native trees and plants for the bees and butterflies
4. Study the medicinal uses of herbs (Rosemary Gladstar’s Herbal Recipes for Vibrant Health is one of my favorite books on herbal medicine)
5. Learn how to wild forage food and medicine
6. Replace chemical cleaning and body care products with natural alternatives
7. Get a compost system going and use it to fertilize your garden
8. Develop a relationship with your local farmer/rancher
9. Bike instead of driving
10. Get off your phone, turn off your computer, throw out your television
11. Delete your social media for a set period of time (or maybe forever)
12. Get to know your neighbors
13. Share resources with your neighbors rather than buying new
14. Spend time in nature rather than other forms of entertainment (shopping, screens, alcohol, caffeine, sugar etc.)
15. Sleep under the stars… get back in touch with the elements
16. Support your local community and independent stores
17. Shift your mindset: notice what is working rather than what isn’t
18. Love yourself, Love your neighbor, Love your enemy
19. Embody LOVE as the truest form of freedom!

Imagine a day dedicated to moving towards true independence and sovereignty for all of humanity — a day spent celebrating our individual authority over our own bodies, hearts and minds, free of all the toxic programming. A day spent leaning into local community and human cooperation over competition, division and “othering”. A day spent being the change we want to see in the world. Sign me up!

HALLOWEEN

In October, just after our kids have been corralled back indoors, we give them piles of candy to binge on while glorifying images of gore and horror. This is certainly more trick than treat — a trick that assaults and burdens their sensitive immune systems, growing bodies, and impressionable young minds.

What if, rather than poisoning our children’s bodies and perpetuating an unhealthy fear of death and darkness with twisted images of hellish nightmares, we celebrated autumn by respectfully approaching the theme of death and honoring our ancestors? As the last lingering evidence of the splendor of summer withers away, our minds might naturally turn towards pondering the cycle of life, the inevitability of death and decay in the realm of the physical, and that which lies beyond.

What if, much like the celebration of the Day of the Dead in Mexico or certain pagan traditions, we spent the day remembering and even communicating with our loved ones on the other side? We might create an altar full of offerings to our family and friends who have passed on. Filling the altar with photos, personal items and even favorite foods of the deceased could be a family affair, giving older generations the opportunity to reminisce and share stories and younger generations the chance to ask questions and become more familiar with their own family tree. By bringing the conversation of life after death into the home in this safe and sacred way, we might teach our children that death is merely a transition to a different state of being. We might teach our children that our ancestors and loved ones are here with us, now and always. We might explore the idea that ghosts are nothing to be feared, as the spirits of the dead are no different than the spirits of the living.

Perhaps rather than telling chilling stories intended to instill fear, we could read excerpts from near death experience books, thus learning from those who have actually crossed over to the other side and returned to share their astonishing experiences. (Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorjani is my personal favorite, but there are many books/websites/videos out there.)

Those who have died and come back consistently share that what they experienced on the other side felt infinitely more real and fundamental than their experience here on Earth in a physical body. Perhaps Halloween could be a day to approach this more real “reality,” one that is inevitably on the horizon for us all, with reverence and open curiosity. By acknowledging and approaching death in this sacred way, we might even be inspired to live more fully—with joy, purpose and immense gratitude for our time here.

THANKSGIVING

As I mentioned earlier, Thanksgiving isn’t doing too bad. We could all maybe lean into the theme of gratitude a little more intentionally, learn about and from the native cultures that once populated this land, and skip the third serving of pie… but otherwise, carry on!

FULL CIRCLE

And here we are, back at the beginning of the cycle, re-entering the season of darkness, the zero point of the year, the place where the presence and absence of all possibilities exist simultaneously.

Speaking of possibilities, that’s exactly what the aforementioned suggestions are: possibilities, ideas, a starting point. I invite you to reimagine your holidays, celebrations and traditions in a way that brings more depth, meaning, connection, well-being, inspiration, joy and love into your life. And remember: this doesn’t have to be done in an either/or, all-or-nothing manner. Shifting the texture of your holidays can be as gradual or abrupt as you would like. You might gently incorporate some new traditions to enrich what you already have in place; or, if you are entirely fed up with the current holiday trend, perhaps you are ready to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. I encourage you to play with this in a way that works for you and your family. May we all individually and collectively remember that which is most sacred.

You may also enjoy reading 13 Holy Nights: Reclaiming the True Magic of the Solstice Season, by Lara Day.

The post Holidays Reimagined: Ditching Commercialization to Discover More Meaning & Humanity appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

A traumatic childhood leads one woman to end all contact with her mother while she struggles to find forgiveness

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I stopped picking up the phone.

Stopped calling her back when she slurred ugly messages on my answering machine. Blocked her email. And, when Facebook became a thing a few years later, I blocked her there, too.

The last time I saw my mom was at my daughter’s first birthday, twenty-two years ago. I’ve never regretted the choice to go “no contact” with my mother because I’d spent my life being “full contact,” and it nearly killed me.

Literally.

A mother like mine didn’t protect her young because she couldn’t even protect herself. Night after night, my body blocked the monsters my mother moved in with us — their rage, their fists, their heavy boots. Day after day, my body cleaned up the mess — the smashed glass and broken people.

Leaving was hard because I suspected everything would fall apart.

It did.

But staying was harder because nothing in my life could begin while I was fixing hers.

At my daughter’s first birthday, my mother took another opportunity to warn me that Hannah was going to hate me the way I hated my mom. And just like that, I saw the generational pattern: I had chosen my grandmother over my mom, and my mom had chosen her grandmother over her mom. Now, it was Hannah’s turn to carry that toxic torch being passed to her at only a year old.

No.

Although I’d attempted to sever ties with my mom over the years — sometimes for months — it was the warning at the birthday party that finally did it.

I didn’t make an announcement or share my plans with my mom. I just stopped picking up the phone. Eventually, word got to her from one of my sisters, and my mom stopped calling. Maybe I thought she’d fight for us — beg me to talk to her, beg for my forgiveness, beg to know my daughter.

She didn’t. Not once in the past two decades has she sent a message of apology. Not once did she send so much as a birthday card to my daughter. Like a little girl holding the string on a helium balloon and accidentally letting it slip from her fingers, my mom must’ve figured there was no way to get me back, so she just watched me float up, up and away…

Two years later, I buried my mother — alive.

My first dad died from a stroke, and I was so angry the universe let a good man die while my mom got to live that after my dad’s memorial service, I held my own for my mom. A small service with only me in attendance, I grieved my mother — the one I loved when I was a little girl who didn’t know any better, the one I begged to love and protect me, and the one who never did.

Now that she was dead, it was easier to stay away because my mother was now a ghost — one I talked to, shouted at, cried with, and silenced whenever I wanted to. 

My mother, though, didn’t know she was dead to me and an email got through.

After the initial shock, I considered her request to meet at the zoo midway between our two towns.

Thankfully, she asked a question that reminded me why I’d buried her. “Are you sure you want Hannah to meet me because she’s going to love me and wonder why you’ve kept us apart?”

I deleted the email and didn’t shed a single tear.

Eventually, I explained to my daughter why she didn’t know my mom. A copy of The Glass Castle started the conversation when Hannah was ten and gave her a snapshot of what growing up in chaos and craziness was like.

Although I was scared to death, was I destined to be a mom like mine? My gentle husband parented with me, my loving mother-in-law answered my questions, and my intuition reminded me: Do exactly the opposite of what your mom did, and you’ll be a great F’ing mother! 

(Un)forgiven

For several years following my mother’s memorial, I had decided what she’d done was unforgivable. Then, I became sick. There were doctors’ visits and hospital stays for an esophagus sealed shut by scar tissue, cysts crowding my uterus, a failed gallbladder, and other illnesses running rampant through my body.

This was decades before anyone was talking about CPTSD and the effects of holding unresolved trauma in our bodies, so I was as clueless as doctors about why my systems were shutting down at thirty-three years old.

An acupuncturist asked the question no doctor had. “Is there a chance you’re holding onto any anger? Maybe trauma in your past you haven’t let go of?”

When I answered yes, he prescribed — among other remedies — forgiveness.

I would’ve rather swallowed poison.

Desperate to understand how you forgive monsters, I turned to Oprah. “Thank you for giving me the experience,” she said on her show. I adore Ms. O, but I wasn’t feeling it.

Eckhart Tolle suggested I learn from those I needed to forgive. Too evolved. Oprah’s go-to guru for all things female empowerment, Iyanla Vanzant, gave me permission to be pissed at the people who hurt me. Agreed but still wasn’t closer to understanding how or why I should forgive. John Edward, a psychic-medium, warned in his book that if we don’t forgive people who’ve hurt us in this lifetime, we might spend another one with them.

Oh, hell no.

Forgiveness happened in the bathtub. Hot water, wine, and candlelight lulled me into what felt like watching a movie of my mom’s young life. Seeing her at various ages — with pigtails and pom poms — I wondered what happened to turn her dreams that couldn’t have included being a narcissistic abuser of her own children. A tinge of compassion crossed my heart just long enough for me to release myself from the expectations I had of that little girl, and from the need to know what happened because it didn’t matter anymore. The past was not the present, and our memories would no longer control my life.  

That release wasn’t to let my mom off the hook; it was so I stopped hanging on to all the wrongs I wanted her to make right. I exhaled and let our memories together out — floating up, up and away like I had from her years before.

I didn’t forgive the monsters — the men who took everything from us — because I didn’t care about them. One is dead now, and the other close enough to it.

Healed.

You may also enjoy reading Becoming Myself: Making Peace with a Traumatic Childhood, by Roberta Kuriloff.

The post Buried Alive: How Disconnecting with my Mother Finally Freed Me appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Aging is inevitable; you can fight it, embrace it, curse it or settle into it; however you face it, here are 30 tips to make it a little easier

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Wouldn’t it be great if getting older came with an instruction book? If there were specific things you could do to make your days brighter, your aging easier?

I’ve been writing books about aging since I was in my mid-thirties (Alone Not Lonely: Independent Living for Women Over 50; and More Than Mere Survival: Conversations with Women Over 65). This topic was preparation for my later years. I wanted to continue seeing the glass as half-full, rather than half-empty. I needed information. My friendships with older women mentors, provided a sounding board for ideas. I wanted to learn by observation what it was like to grow old. Now it’s 18 years semi-retired from a hospital social work position, still practicing psychotherapy and writing. This time has been spent constructing a rich and satisfying life as a solo ager. I’ve become conscious of what I need in terms of comfort (good friends, music, laughter, mysteries, new adventures, community action and a wonderful chunk of bread) and purposefully brought these ideas home.

Yet however powerful I think I may be, I know for myself you don’t push back aging.

You can stall it by mindfulness and taking great good care. But truthfully, there are physical limitations, vulnerabilities and issues of memory.

These realities need to be acknowledged and accepted with, hopefully, some grace and good humor. (And with whatever additional help you need.) Bottom line on Aging: you respect it, you live it!

What helped me and my therapy clients has been the easily digested motivational “slogans” I created. These could be thought through, discussed, internalized and acted upon at appropriate times. My belief is to look at aging with a more take-charge, positive attitude.

Try on. Practice. For one month.

Day 1)     Please put yourself on a phone diet

Day 2)     Acknowledge, then let go of regret

Day 3)     Inhale to count of 4, exhale 8

Day 4)     Enjoy candlelight at any time

Day 5)     Journal what makes you happy

Day 6)     Use bedroom solely for sleep and sex

Day 7)     Don’t “should” on yourself — it’s judgmental

Day 8)     Finalize will, health proxy, power of attorney

Day 9)     Play tourist in your city

Day 10)    Keep arguments under 20 minutes

Day 11)    Celebrate your half-birthday

Day 12)    Be nourished by a lake, river, ocean

Day 13)     Seatbelts always, everywhere

Day 14)     Don’t stand up to put on underpants

Day 15)     Finish dinner before 7pm

Day 16)     Know and appreciate your pharmacist

Day17)      Expect to be treated with kindness

Day 18)     Count age spots as actions taken

Day 19)     Say “No” without explaining

Day 20)     Enjoy what you put in your mouth

Day 21)     Take a nightlight on trips

Day 22)     Name a priority each morning

Day 23)     Weekly bank/save money

Day 24)     Eat many kinds of green

Day 25)     Yes, you’re a rock star

Day 26)     Always exit a bus from the front door

Day 27)     Make friends of different ages

Day 28)     Stop, just stop for today, just stop

Day 29)     Don’t dismiss insomnia

Day 30)     Wear red, the color of power and protection

You may also enjoy reading The Gifts of Aging Mindfully and Consciously, by Gordon Wallace, PhD.

The post The Senior Manifesto: A Guide for (Mostly) Graceful Aging appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

After years of seeking wholeness and worthiness through her relationship with others, one woman finally learns to find those within

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“Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Tinder,” I read once in someone’s dating bio. There was nothing I related to more for a decade of dating.

The worst of it was in 2016 when I could be found with six dating apps on my phone — ranging from Tinder to the sapphic dating app, Her. With a frantic and desperate energy, I was swiping for hours a day and going on three dates a week, whether I was even interested in the person or not. I felt it was purely a numbers game, and the higher volume of people I pursued, the better my chances. I took no consideration of what this was doing to my wellbeing and self-esteem, and seeking “the one” left me in shambles when dating didn’t work out.

There was James. We went on three dates, but he ended things with me after I made a concerning comment about how I couldn’t be friends with men because I’d fall in love with them or sleep with them. I was a walking red flag. He knew this, but I did not. When he broke it off, I went into a spiral.

Call it sex and love addiction, trauma responses, or unhealthy patterns — the way I was relating to others was all wrong.

I wrote a memoir about how these patterns influenced my relationships and self-esteem. Titled Make a Home Out of You: A Memoir, it’s a story of making homes in people, substances, and behaviors instead of myself.

Here’s an excerpt from the first chapter that illustrates my struggles:

“I spent the next few hours swiping through pictures of people of all genders, starting conversations, and making plans. James had rejected me (in a text!), but in under a minute, I’d started looking for my next pair of lips, the next lap, the next loving arms. As usual, I was desperate to try to make a home, somewhere, anywhere. I was searching in other people for a loving place to live, preferably forever. I wanted someone to provide me with the safety, warmth, and love that a house filled with people was supposed to provide. I never wanted to feel like I was out in the cold, alone. That was my worst nightmare. I wanted to be bundled in someone’s arms by their fireplace, with them holding everything together for me. I thought this would make me feel whole, which was a feeling I was often missing.”

The turning point when I finally got sick of my own shit was when I was texting and hanging out with a married coworker, in the middle of my dating app frenzy, in a way that felt like an emotional entanglement. The tension built over months through boundary-less texting and confiding in one another. The second I realized I wanted to sleep with him — and would if given the chance — was when I knew something needed to shift.

I was defeated. I felt broken and bad. I didn’t know how to fix the mess I was in.

The Healing Journey

Healing wasn’t an overnight process. I found initial solace in 12-step programs like Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous, where I began to piece myself back together, brick by brick. These programs were the foundation of constructing a home within myself — a home that didn’t rely on someone else to fix my shattered self-esteem.

Taking a break from dating was crucial. I turned my focus inward, journaling every day, and taking myself on dates. I learned to enjoy my own company and to be content with just being me. It wasn’t just the 12-step programs that helped; it was also mental health interventions, including therapy, medications, and hospitalizations. I also sought treatment for my eating disorder and immersed myself in hobbies and communities that helped me connect to myself.

By the end of my memoir, three years after the 2016 bottom, I had found a sense of peace. Here’s an excerpt that captures this transformation:

“I recognize my courage when I catch myself obsessing about a stranger on the bus or feeling an urge to reach out to exes but use my bravery to choose a different path. And I revel in how much I’ve learned. Instead of trying to make a home in someone else, I can choose to build my own home from materials that will last. The floor will be constructed with my self-respect, self-acceptance, and self-love. The walls, from the support of friends, twelve-step fellows, mentors, therapists, and sponsors. The roof, from my self-forgiveness, knowing that while I needed to do much better than I was doing, at the time I was always doing the best I could. The fireplace will burn with my determination to never again accept the unacceptable, not from myself or from anyone else. And from now on, I’ll be honest with myself about whether a door I’m about to open is a healthy one or one that should remain forever closed. It’s with a contented sigh that I realize I now have the wisdom to know the difference.”

Now, my mental health is a priority, whether I’m dating, single, or in a relationship. I am committed to being a whole person, one who does not need another to fix or complete me. Prioritizing self-love and building my own self-esteem has shown me that I have this sturdy home in myself.

Whether it’s addiction, unhealthy patterns, or something else entirely, many people struggle with maintaining healthy relationships with themselves and others. If you’re one of those people,

know that you’re not alone. The journey to healing is challenging, but nothing beats being committed to never taking a break from your own mental wellbeing.

You may also enjoy reading Practice You | Coming Home to Your Inner Self Through Journaling, by Elena Brower.

The post Learning to Make a Home in Myself After Years of Making Homes in Others appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

While sound healing is an ancient and sometimes complex ritual to soothe the nervous system, you can bring a simple practice to your home

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Sound baths can be a glorious, transformational experience. You might walk into a room where a sound healer has a wall of gongs, iridescent singing bowls, and an assortment of vibrational accouterments, like crystal pyramids and ethereal chimes. When experiencing a professionally guided sound bath, we personally have felt a huge energetic shift, a deep clearing of the innermost layers of our beings, where stress is simply powerless against the resonating tones of the instruments.

Jessica Cross, co-author of our book Seasons of Sound: Sound Healing for All of Life’s Seasons, recalls her first sound bath experience. She was lying in savasana, aka “yogi naptime,” at the end of a yoga class and could hear calming, deep tones coming from the front of the room. Since her eyes were covered, she had no idea where the sounds were coming from. After class, she made a beeline for the instructor and said, “What was that? I have to know.” It felt like an immediate release of the tension she had carried into the room due to the relentless stress of her corporate job. But the calming state of a sound bath experience can feel fleeting and so out of reach once we’re thrown back into the chaos and whirlwind reality of daily life.

One might consider a sound bath experience as a vibrational spa day; instead of thinly sliced cucumbers on your eyelids, you might have a lavender-scented eye pillow, and instead of a deep tissue massage with well-trained hands, your muscles release as the parasympathetic nervous system activates upon hearing and feeling calming tones of bowls and gongs. If you’re lucky, you might experience a spa day once a year. This is why when you walk into any grocery store, you can see self-care products scattered throughout, like essential oil-infused shampoos and body lotions. We are all trying to capture the feeling of luxury and calm in our own homes.

With sound healing, small Himalayan singing bowls are ubiquitous in yoga studios, wellness gift shops, and, of course, there are tons of options under $10 online. Even our local 5 Dollar Store in Austin, Texas carries tiny metal singing bowls. All too often, these types of singing bowls are used as home decor rather than the mindfulness tools that they are. We always recommend buying ethically made, sustainable instruments whenever possible, and we love finding second-hand sound healing tools.

But however one has procured a singing bowl, let’s use it for its intended purpose: meditation and moving towards a more mindful state of awareness.

As sound healers and yoga teachers, people often ask us what to even do with a little 3-inch singing bowl. Rather than keeping the bowl to store coins or crystals, we recommend incorporating the bowls and other easily accessible practices, like hand mudras and yogic breathwork, into your home meditation. (Hand mudras are an ancient practice of using hand gestures to amplify positive qualities within yourself. For example, one might touch the pad of a thumb to a pointer finger during a seated meditation to increase a sense of focus and concentration.)

In our book, we include home practices for singing bowls and gongs aligned to both Earth’s seasons and the seasons of life you’re experiencing. For example, in wintertime, you might wish to slow down and grab a hot cup of tea, wear cozy socks, and snuggle with your fur baby — we have written a meditation and home singing bowl practice to help you generate that feeling of snuggle and warmth with your mindfulness practice. Below is a simplified Winter Home Singing Bowl Practice — there are more robust and detailed practices to be found in Seasons of Sound:

Winter Home Singing Bowl Practice

1. Find a quiet, comfortable space in your home where you won’t be disturbed. Sit tall in a cross-legged position, on your knees and shins, or in a chair with your palms facing up on your knees.
2. Take Hakini Mudra with your hands and take several rounds of natural breath in and out of your nose at your own pace. (For Hakini Mudra, lightly press the fingertips of your left hand and right together, creating a globe shape with your hands.)
3. Begin to comfortably elongate your exhalation by a count of one or two. Complete five to 10 rounds of breath with a focus on the elongated exhalation and Hakini Mudra.
4. Repeat to yourself, “I embrace the opportunity to slow down and reconnect with myself.”
5. When you feel centered and grounded, release Hakini Mudra, pick up your singing bowl, and hold it in your non-dominant hand and the mallet in your dominant hand. Maintain a soft gaze and intentional energy as you prepare to play your bowl.
6. Gently strike the bowl with the mallet at the rim, creating a rich, resonant tone. Let the sound fill the space around you and feel the vibrations reverberating through your body.
7. As you turn your attention inward, continue to strike the bowl and gradually increase the count in between strikes to 20 or wait until the sounds of the bowl become inaudible before striking again.
8. Let the sound of the bowl guide your breath, inhaling deeply as you strike the bowl and exhaling slowly as the sound fades away.
9. When you feel ready, gently set the singing bowl down and return to Hakini Mudra for a few moments.
10. Sit quietly and observe any sensations or changes in your body and mind.

The science of sound healing can get complicated quickly, but the main takeaway is simple. Calming sounds can slow our heart rate and breathing through a process called “entrainment.”

Entrainment is the synchronization of our internal rhythms, like heart rate and breathing, with external rhythms, such as the tempo of music. We’ve evolved on this planet surrounded by sound vibrations. Harsh, loud tones can trigger our Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn response, while predictable, softer, and soothing tones activate our Rest/Digest response, offering tremendous health benefits, including better sleep, digestion, and focus.

Sound healing has a long and rich history. One of the earliest known instruments used for this purpose is the didgeridoo, an ancient healing tool from the Aboriginal people of Australia, possibly used for over 40,000 years! Traditionally made from hollowed-out eucalyptus branches, the didgeridoo produces a range of overtones, harmonics, and other complex sounds. These sounds are manipulated by changing the shape of the mouth, using techniques like tongue placement, breath control, and vocalizations. The didgeridoo is believed to have powerful spiritual effects, fostering a deep sense of physical and emotional well-being and is often played during healing ceremonies.

Think about your own life: how many times has sound brought you comfort and ease? As a baby, you might have been soothed by the hum of a vacuum cleaner. On vacation, the gentle sound of waves lapping against the shore might have relaxed you. Throughout human evolution, sounds have signaled to our nervous system when to relax and when to prepare for danger. In a sound healing session, we recreate these calming experiences.

Knowing that sound healing is supported by science and deeply rooted in human evolution, it makes sense to incorporate soothing sound experiences into your daily life. While live sound bath experiences are wonderful, consistency is key to making long-term wellness shifts. So, why not use that little singing bowl to its full potential and create your own sound-healing ritual at home?

You may also enjoy reading The Sacred Pause: The Art of Activating Healing Energy, by Travis Eliot.

The post The Benefits of Sound Healing and How to Develop a Home Practice with a Singing Bowl appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

When a young student is forced to contend with her poor handwriting, a creative journey ensues which fosters a beloved career as…a writer

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When I was young, I wrote stories constantly—mostly handwriting them, developing strong hand muscles in the process since there were times that I spent six or eight hours in a day writing. (“Isn’t that a little obsessive?” a student once asked me. Yes, it is. Creative people are often obsessed with their art!)

The joy of writing by hand was that it put me in close contact with the page, with each sentence, each word, allowing me to completely immerse myself in my stories. The disadvantage was that I had (and still have) messy handwriting. Sometimes I can’t even read it myself.

Nowadays, I’m more likely to use a computer, but I still enjoy the energy of rough drafts, those first inspired sprints through stories, wildly and freely capturing ideas and moments, dialogue and description. I don’t worry too much about grammar or structure on the first pass; I don’t show anyone else my early drafts.

I revised my recent young adult novel Vaulting through Time probably hundreds of times. From its origins as a couple of scenes handwritten during lulls in gymnastics meets where my daughter was competing, to becoming a messy rough draft, to gradually finding its final form, I loved being immersed in the world I’d created in which a gymnast has to travel through her family’s past and the history of gymnastics in order to solve the mystery of her own origins.

I first learned about the pleasures of revision by accident—and because of my messy handwriting.

My sixth-grade English teacher, Mrs. Marshall, announced that she was going to offer some extra creative freedom to the best students in the class. These select students, she said, would be placed “on contract.” That meant we would design our own assignments and due dates.

I was pumped. I couldn’t wait to get started.

Mrs. Marshall read aloud the list of students she had chosen. My name wasn’t on it.

I was stunned. Had she accidentally skipped over me?

Before I could raise my hand to ask, the class exploded.

“Why isn’t Nancy on contract?” asked one classmate, and another said, “She reads more books than anyone!” “She writes all the time!” someone else added.

Mrs. Marshall waved the class to silence. “Nancy McCabe is not on contract,” she said, “because her handwriting is so sloppy that I can’t read anything she writes.”

A roar once again rose. “That’s not fair!” my classmates protested.

In the face of this mutiny, Mrs. Marshall agreed to place me on contract—but only if I would take more care with my handwriting.

I vowed to be worthy of my classmates’ faith in me and to nail my probationary period. So I wrote the first sentence of my first assignment slowly and carefully and neatly.

But as I became more and more absorbed in the process, my handwriting loosened up and then turned to a scrawl and then, gradually, to hieroglyphics. By the time I yanked myself out of my writing trance, I realized that I was going to have to copy the whole thing over again.

So I pulled out a clean page and set to work.

But then I thought, wait, what if I changed “said” to “yelled” or “stumbled” to “staggered”?

I was off and running, substituting one word for another, adding a descriptive phrase here, throwing in a transition there. The next thing I knew, my page was covered with messy handwriting and marked out phrases and words up and down the margins.

I started again.

And again.

And again.

This sounds pretty tedious, I know, but actually, I was having fun, seeing how much my story improved each time.

I don’t remember if I ever produced a copy that Mrs. Marshall could actually read, but she let me stay on contract. What I learned that year set me up for a rewarding lifelong career, even if what I learned wasn’t what Mrs. Marshall had originally intended.

I’ve come to believe, as writer Anne Lamott says in her book Bird By Bird, that it’s essential to write that “shitty first draft” to get to the good stuff. If a piece comes out too perfect on the first try, I get nervous. I worry that I’m not following my subconscious to the even deeper, richer ideas that usually emerge when I let myself start by writing that wild first draft.

I love that nowadays, teachers often encourage students to write what they call a “sloppy copy” before preparing the real thing. And I’m grateful for my terrible handwriting, since it led me to discover the joys of revision. Even though sometimes I still can’t decipher my scrawls, they remind me how enriching it can be to embrace and learn from our imperfections.

You may also enjoy reading Finding Your Passion: I Got Here as Fast as I Could, by Nan Tepper

The post Accidental Lesson: Embracing Imperfection in the Creative Journey appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

A philosophy professor reflects on practices in Islam, Judaism and Christianity that underscore our oneness as humans in search of love and purpose

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Love, in the three Abrahamic traditions, can seem impossibly demanding. Love insists that we not only act on behalf of others, love insists that we feel the suffering of others, that we place ourselves in the place of the suffering of others, and that we act to relieve their suffering.

Properly transformed, our love must be suffering love. But if we are honest, we seem more captive to our fears than to our concern and care for others, especially outside of our tribe or race or group. So each of the three traditions specifies various rituals which aim at transforming us from fear-driven self-seekers into empath-driven suffering-lovers.

In this essay, I will talk about one ritual from each tradition and how it would affect our transformation into God-powered lovers. I will look first at prayer in Islam, second at Shabbat in Judaism, and, finally, hospitality in Christianity.

Prayer: connecting to God and the good

On my first trip to Turkey, some Muslims that I had just met invited me into their home for dinner. I had met them on the street and we had struck up a conversation; as we parted, they invited me home for a meal. At the dinner, I heard the omnipresent call to prayer. I waited for our Muslim hosts to end our dinner and then head off to the mosque to pray. I waited in vain.

As I waited, I noticed that one Muslim would leave the dinner table and not

return for several minutes. Then another would depart for a few minutes. They all left, one at a time, and returned without comment. Finally, my curiosity burst: “What are you all doing, leaving one by one? Where are you going?” They chuckled quietly and explained.

Most Muslims, they told me, pray most of the time in a small, dedicated room in their home or at their place of work or even in a mall. Five times a day, they enter that quiet room, unroll a prayer mat, point it toward Mecca, and recite their prayers. My friends generously invited me into their private prayer room so that I could watch their prayers.

Although I was embarrassed at turning prayer into a spectator sport, they blithely ignored me and went about their business.

My Muslim friend—praying as I spectated in that small room—told me that five times a day, he and his family pray the following:

There is no God but You

In the Name of Allah, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful.

Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Universes,

the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful!

Master of the Day for Judgment!

You alone do we worship and You alone do we call on for help.

Guide us along the Straight Path.

Five times a day, he prays to the All-Merciful God to guide him along the path of righteousness and mercy. Five times he prays to the One God, the Lord of the Universes.

Five times a day he worships God alone.

Islam’s radical monotheism is nowhere more evident than in that tiny room, with just enough space for the One True God and the heart of the sincere worshiper. No room for other gods. Not Wadd, Suwa, Yagut, Yauq or Nasr; they are only wood and stone. Not the Sun or the Moon or the Mountain; he worshiped the Creator of Heaven and Earth. And not himself.

In praying to God alone, my friend is also confessing and conceding that he is not God. I heard—in his bowing and his prayers to the Lord of the Universes—the simple and powerful ritual renunciation of pride, of thinking himself God. According to Kamand Kojouri: “You have no choice. You must leave your ego on the doorstep before you enter love.”

Third, praying to God alone attaches the pray-er to the Source of Rightly-Directed Loves. In that sacred moment, the pray-er seeks to love what God loves and to hate what God hates. God loves, we know from the Quran, the poor, the widow, and the orphan; God loves, we know from the Quran, peace. The pray-er then leaves that sacred place to bring peace in love to God’s world, peace that includes the flourishing of everyone,

Even, and perhaps especially, the poor, the widow, and the orphan.

Finally, I sensed, in his double repetitions of love

In the Name of Allah, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful.

Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Universes,

the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful!

his heartfelt desire to unite with love.

While ritualized activity can be dull and repetitive, I suspect such regular and repetitive rituals may be necessary to overcome our most recalcitrant desires—fears, say, or selfishness. Islam insists on regular ritually prescribed prayers to transform selfishness into love. There is no quick and easy path to love.

Prayer attaches us to Love and leads us to seek peace. I think it would be spiritually beneficial for everyone to bow down five times a day.

Shabbat and home

In the mid-90s, we joined fellow-philosopher, Stewart Shapiro, in their home to share a sabbath meal, changing my life forever. Stewart shared with me his tradition, his belief and unbelief, and his family’s love.

Upon entering the door, the sounds and smells made it feel like we were entering into a new world. We arrived just after sundown on a Friday evening and were greeted with a warmhearted, “Shabbat Shalom!”

The sumptuous food had been prepared beforehand. Unlike our typical Friday evening at home, the TV was off, no music was playing. Although there was a hubbub outside—with boisterous university students on parade from this pub to the next—inside it was quiet and calm and peaceful. The family had gathered in the living room, relaxing and enjoying one another’s company.

Shabbat, which means “day of rest,” celebrates the day on which God rested from creating the world and all that it contained. While aimed at honoring God, it also has a more mundane human function. In Exodus 34:21 we read, “Six days you shall work, but on the seventh day you shall rest.” If taking downtime was good enough for God, it’s good enough for God’s people. Every week, from sundown on Friday to sunset on Saturday, Jews reserve this day for holiness and peace.

One might imagine, in Hebrew Bible times, that, after six days of arduous agrarian work, a day of rest was remarkably refreshing. But more than physically refreshing, the sabbath is spiritually reorienting (or intended as such).

For six days a person works, but no work is permitted on the seventh because “in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day and consecrated it” (Exodus 20:11).

By taking a weekly break from acts of creation (work) and focusing your entire attention on God, you are regularly reminded that God is the Creator and you are not. Every seventh day, amidst the hustle and bustle of your often self-absorbed life, you must rest and remember that you are not God. Seems like a ritual practice that everyone could benefit from.

Stewart’s wife, Beverly, and his children were delighted to share their sabbath with us. They explained the food, they spoke in Hebrew and translated for us, they sang deeply resonant songs, and they moved together in unity and harmony. However, what was familiar for them was a mystery to us. It reminded me of the Kenny Rogers song, “The Gambler.” We didn’t “know when to hold up, when to fold up, when to walk away, when to run.”

So Beverly and her children graciously guided us into their familiar world of Torah and challah bread and kosher brisket and moody candles.

To be completely honest, and despite their best efforts, it was difficult for me. Their world was not my world. Their smells were not my smells. I felt anxious not knowing exactly what to do next and not recognizing what song was being sung. And my ADD-self wanted some rock music and a little TV; I’m not good at relaxing.

This was not my home.

Then it hit me—so this is what it feels like to be an outsider. I felt anxious, isolated, ignorant, disconnected, and disempowered. I felt, for this very short time, what they must feel all of the time. What a burden we’ve laid on those who aren’t us.

No wonder they shut their doors, turn off their lights, light their candles, and cling to one another in the dark. You’d want a sabbath’s rest, too.

Why take an entire day out of one’s hectic week and rest with family and friends?

As Jews well know, the world can be hostile, broken. They’ve experienced countless manifestations—from alienation and injustice all the way to Holocausts—of our separations from one another. So, once a week it’s good to cling to one another in the dark and hope for healing of our broken selves and our broken world.

The Sabbath ritual begins with the Shalom Aleichem Prayer, a prayer for peace—for wholeness, healing, inclusion, justice, and mercy. There are many other prayers—of gratitude for God’s commandments (the light of the Law) and for God’s sustenance and grace (blessing of the wine), for sanctification (the washing of the hands), and for blessings on the children. The Sabbath’s rest is not aimed at making us better workers, it is aimed at making us better people.

The Sabbath provides space, place for re-creation, recreation, restoration, and recommitment. As fallible creators for six days, we need a day to cease from creation, to remind ourselves of the Creator, and to allow the Creator to re-create us. With family and friends, Jews play games, tell jokes, and share stories and food and lives. They meditate and receive instruction on their way to restoration and recommitment—to God and to one another and to, with God, continually creating God’s world in love and Justice.

The Sabbath recreates, every seventh day, God’s design for creation—humans, as a family, sharing a meal and sharing love in peace. I take family here to include close members of one’s spiritual community. God begins our journey to peace, in family. 

We learn of God and God’s commandments, first and foremost, from our parents. We learn of love—parental and brotherly/sisterly—first and foremost within our family. We learn of obedience and patience and kindness and self-sacrifice and grace—first and foremost instruments of peace.

Families, as God intended them (and they are often not), are where we first meet God and justice and love. Families are, as God intended them, our first spiritual home, our original source of goodness and strength.

Our family and closest spiritual friends, then, are our roots. But family and closest spiritual friends are not the whole tree. And fearful human beings often make family and closest spiritual friends the whole tree.

I described above all of the benefits of family—a safe haven for cultivating patience and kindness and self-sacrifice and grace. The first place where we meet God. We will always and forever have just one spiritual home. And home is good, it’s our place of rest.

But just as our religion creates in-group, and all the good that in-group promises, religion also creates out-group, and all the bad that out-group entails.

Because fear is stronger than love, our fears of others can drive us into in-group and against out-group.

We need, then, rituals that extend empathy out of in-group and into out-group. Or, another way to put it, we need rituals to expand in-group to include all of God’s holy creatures.

Hospitality

The first two rituals, daily prayer in Islam and keeping the Sabbath in Judaism, are rooted first in God’s love for us and second our family’s love for us. They are foundational rituals that aim at orienting us towards love of others. But daily prayers and the keeping of sabbath are vastly more likely to orient us toward and identify us with in-group. When you add in the many real and also countless imaginary fears that we face, daily prayer and sabbath-keeping can cultivate in-group love at the expense of out-group care and concern.

Our fears move us to build walls, but God wants us to build bridges. The Abrahamic solution, hospitality, involves rituals of love that either extend empathy to out-groups or expand an in-group to include all of God’s creatures. I will conclude with a discussion of hospitality, a decidedly out-group-aimed virtue. Although I will focus on the Christian tradition, we can find the virtue of hospitality in Judaism and Islam as well. Let us start with a definition. According to Henri Nouwen, Hospitality means primarily the creation of a free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy.

Hospitality is not to change people, but to offer them space where change can take place… Hospitality is not a subtle invitation to adopt the lifestyle of the host, but the gift of a chance for the guest to find his own.

Note: Hospitality seeks to cultivate a change in the host, not in the guest. Hospitality is a virtue that aims at cultivating self-giving, other-regarding love. However, Christian “hospitality,” as practiced, is often disguised evangelism, the attempt to change the guest’s beliefs. But Hospitality is a unique virtue, one that aims at uniting human beings across, often deep divides.

I have taken many Christian philosophers on dozens of trips to China for cross-cultural dialogues—Confucian-Christian, sometimes, or Daoist-Christian, or Buddhist-Christian. In addition to encouraging Christian scholars to write in simple, clear, idiom-free sentences and to speak slowly and enunciate every word, I also ask them not to evangelize. I’m not opposed to anyone sharing their faith. But missionary work is illegal in China; evangelism can put the entire group or the future of the project in jeopardy. And, Christians, of all dialogue partners, are among the world’s worst listeners.

But some philosophers couldn’t resist a captive communist audience and loudly took every opportunity to tearfully share their testimony. The secret police would intervene and the following year’s conference would be mysteriously canceled.

I tell these stories to make the minor point that love listens but also the major point, the one that Nouwen makes, that Hospitality aims primarily at the expansion of empathy in one’s self by “the creation of a free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy.” Hospitality is not aimed at changing the stranger; the virtue of Hospitality seeks to transform the host into a better, more expansive lover, not to transform the stranger into another self. So Hospitality, clean and simple, is not disguised evangelism—if you are aiming at them, the stranger, you are being combative and hostile, not empathetic and expansive.

Love listens, love expands.

The cultivation of the virtue of Hospitality requires us to heed Jesus’s demand to love not only our own people, but everyone in the world. It requires us to begin opening up ourselves to people who are not like us, people that we might even fear as stranger or enemy. So, first and foremost, Hospitality often takes courage—to walk out of your home and down your street to the house of your unknown and very different Muslim or African-American or Mexican or Jewish or atheist neighbor. You may need to leave your comfortable worship home and visit a synagogue or a mosque or the Free-Thinkers Society meeting. Or you may need to roll down your window and share a dollar or a cup of coffee with a street-side beggar.

Each of the Abrahamic traditions includes rituals which, if practiced as intended, would learn us love. Love, so it seems, takes practice, practice, practice.

Learning to love God, Muslims say, requires five private prayers a day, every day, for the entirety of your life. Learning to love kin and extended kin, Jews say, requires setting aside normal activities and sharing with others for twenty-four long hours each week. Learning to love strangers and even enemies, Christians say, requires courageously and humbly opening your door and inviting them in for food, drink, and shelter.

Daily prayer reorients our love away from self and toward God and what God loves; as Rumi writes: “The ego is the greatest idol.” Shabbat re-orients our love away from self to kin and extended kin. Hospitality reorients our love from self and kin (ingroup) to stranger and enemy (out-group). Each ritual step of the way is a difficult move away from fear, resentment, grief, and anger—toward gratitude, humility, generosity, and respect.

Each ritual of love is designed to practice love of God and others, over and over and over. Until it catches.

There is no easy path to Abrahamic love; so there’s no easy path to God’s blessing all the world through the children of Abraham.

You may also enjoy reading The Magic of Self Love and Positive Energetic Vibration, by Karamjeet Kaur.

The post Rituals of Love: Exploring 3 Religious Practices which Foster Faith, Love & Unity appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes

When a young boy loses is mother, his relationship to his father, himself and his life is forever changed

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On Aug. 23, 1987, 26-year-old Selonia Reed was found dead in the parking lot of a gas station in Hammond, Louisiana. Nearly 40 years after her death, her husband Reginald Reed was sentenced to life in prison for her murder. But that’s far from the entire story. With unyielding candor, Selonia’s son Reginald L. Reed Jr. courageously navigates the trauma of his mother’s murder and the subsequent arrest and conviction of his father in his debut memoir, The Day My Mother Never Came Home (May 21, 2024).

Below is an excerpt from the book.

As I got to be a bit older—ten to twelve—my father began leaving me home alone when he went to work at night. It was never for long periods of time, and I was old enough to take care of myself. He knew that I would be perfectly fine, otherwise he would never have left me alone. My father always made sure I was covered, and I am sure that he also gave a heads-up to our neighbor Ms. Dorothy to keep an eye on me as well.

When he was gone, I would do normal adolescent boy things, like play video games, and eat snacks. I was never allowed to leave the house when he was gone at night. This was a set boundary that I did not dare cross. Truth be told, this was not a boundary that I even cared to challenge. I didn’t love being home alone, especially at night, so there was no way I was going to leave the safety of our house.

It was around this time that my father and I began what I call our silent exchanges. A lot went unspoken between us during the first few years after my mother’s death, but there was an understanding between us. We did not have to talk through much to understand one another. It was just our way. Looking back, I wish we had both said more out loud. We were both doing our best to survive, and long conversations about our feelings did not fit into our mode of survival.

Something that I would do almost nightly when my father was gone was page him. There were no cell phones back then, so the easiest and fastest way to get in touch with him was by paging him. I would wait until later into the night, typically when I would start to get anxious and nervous about whether he was going to come home. Most young boys wouldn’t worry so much about this. They may call if they were scared or hearing noises. It was different for me. I worried about whether he would come home. I feared the absolute worst possible scenario.

I had reason to worry. If my mother could go out and never come home, surely this could just as easily happen to my father, right?

Statistically, this would be highly improbable; but my mind and heart didn’t care about statistics and probability. To me, it was a very real possibility that one night, he just wouldn’t come home. Most kids do not sit around thinking about their parent dying, or just never coming home. Most kids at this age are busy being kids. They are self-absorbed and do not typically think of much outside of themselves. That is a normal childhood. On those nights when my father was gone, I should have been busy being a kid.

I would beep my father, and then wait anxiously for him to call me back. The phone would ring…

“Hello”

“Lil’ Reggie, it’s me…is everything alright?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I was just calling to see if you could bring me home an Icee.”

“Okay, yeah. I’ll bring you home an Icee, son.”

We would end our short call and I would breathe a sigh of relief. My father was okay, and he was coming home.

He never brought me an Icee.

Those calls were never about the Icee, and we both knew it. Some nights it was an Icee, or a burger and fries, and some nights it was a pack of gum from the corner store. He always said, “Okay, Lil’ Reggie, okay.” But, he never came home with any of my requests. He knew my hidden request was for him to simply come home.

Fear was a big part of my childhood.

Though it was not visible and overbearing, I still lived a lot of my childhood in fear. I always feared that one day my dad just wouldn’t come home; that either something terrible would happen to him, or that one day he would decide that raising me as a single father along with the weight of loss and his own grief was too much to bear. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Surely it would, right? One day it would all come crashing down again, right?

The worst possible thing had already happened to me, but I was sure the other shoe would drop at any moment. This is the thinking of a child who has been through trauma. I lived in constant fear. This changes a kid; steals his innocence. My father and I never spoke about the nights I paged him. It was one of our silent exchanges; just another part of how we lived our lives. We never spoke about our fears out loud, but I am sure he had his own worst-case scenario sitting in the back of his mind. I am sure he lived a lot like me, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Neither of us had the emotional language to express what we were going through, or how we were feeling, so there was no reason to talk about it. He knew very well that when I paged him, I was calling to check on him. My page was the silent cue for him to get on home as soon as he could. Those calls told him that I had been alone long enough, and I needed him to come home.

And he always did. I would hear his car pull up in the carport and breathe a deep sigh of relief.

He was home. All was right with the world in that moment. 

If I am being totally honest, I still do this routine of checking in when my wife is out, or away from home. It was more pronounced early in our dating life and within the first few years of marriage. I never asked her for an Icee or a pack of gum, but I would ask where she was, and what time she planned to head home. I suppose this is part habit and part trauma response. I am fiercely protective of my family, so those calls are me making sure that everyone is okay at all times. As I write the words everyone is okay at all times, I realize what a heavy burden this is for someone to carry. Yet, I shoulder it. I don’t consciously feel the weight of it, it is simply something that I do, an extension of survival mode.

I don’t know if I will ever stop making check-in calls, or if I will ever trust that everyone is okay. I wonder how this will look like as my son grows older. I wonder if my fear and anxiety will smother him. I know that most parents deal with this, so circumstances dictate that I will struggle more than the average father. As my son gets older and gains more independence, I will have to decide if I am okay existing within this sphere of anxiety, or if I want to live trusting that he will be okay. 

It is a constant struggle to decide what parts of my past to leave behind, and which of them to carry forward into my present life.

Sometimes I don’t even realize that I am operating out of fear, or that I live my life in survival mode. Sometimes it takes someone from the outside looking in to help me recognize my coping mechanisms and survival behaviors. I don’t want to raise my son to spend his life in survival mode. I want him to live a limitless and abundant life without fear, thriving rather than merely surviving.

I realize that through my process of self-reflection and self-awareness, that I must change in order to build a different life for my family—for my son. How does one do such a thing? How does one change something that is so ingrained in their subconscious? I do not yet have the answers, but asking the questions and writing this book are both huge steps for me. I am taking baby steps, but I am walking. Self-transformation is difficult. It is a slow process of unlearning old habits and behaviors. It requires rewriting stories that we have told ourselves for years, even decades. The tapes we play on repeat within our heads need to be paused, and we must record new stories.

For decades my tapes have told me that the world is unsafe. They instill fear and anxiety on an endless loop from which there there is no escape. In some instances, their stories keep me and others safe. It is good to be aware as you move through the world, attuned to things around you that may cause harm. However, for those who have experienced trauma, there is no distinction between safety and survival.

The mind of a trauma survivor interprets everything as unsafe.

The fight or flight response kicks in and we lose our ability to think rationally through our circumstances. This pattern of thought and behavior elicits a great deal of avoidance. It is easier to avoid situations than to fight through them.

Avoidance is a coping mechanism, another survival tool in the already crowded tool belt. It is easier to avoid the thing that may cause us discomfort or pain, rather than take the leap and hope for the best. It is easier for me to not put myself out there than it is to take a chance and see what happens. Avoidance is one of my favorite tools. It keeps me safe. It keeps my family safe. I stay in control (another tool in my belt), but I am beginning to realize that this is no way to live. While the boundaries I set and the walls I build may keep me and my family safe, they also keep us from fully experiencing the abundance of joy that life can bring.

I am sick of boundaries and walls. I am tired of the limitations I place on my own life and the lives of my family. I want to live fully and unafraid. I want the peace and confidence of knowing that no matter what happens everyone will be okay.

My spirit is stirring as I write this because I know that an abundant life is just within my grasp. I have done the work, digging up the old thinking and identifying the problem. Now I must do the work on rewiring my thinking. There is a thrill to it because I feel hope; I see the possibility of a better way of living. I can imagine a feeling of peace and the absence of fear, and I long for it.

I am claiming this new life in advance. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is bright, and draws me in. And so, I begin. One foot in front of the other. Every single day I will decide that today, I will look for the light. I will move away from fear and toward the bright light of peace and joy. 

You may also enjoy reading Reclaiming Freedom: Rising from the Ashes of Trauma, Neglect and Abuse, by Penny Lane.

The post Everyone’s Okay: The Aftermath of Trauma When a Child Loses a Parent appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

We all know it is virtuous to be kind, but did you know it has tangible benefits for your wellbeing as well? Practicing kindness is a true win-win.

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The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.

~ Oscar Wilde

Kindness is not only good for others, it’s good for your own wellbeing. When you help others out of genuine concern for them, your levels of endorphins surge in your brain. Endorphins are naturally-occurring opiates that both relieve pain and give a sense of pleasure and wellbeing.

Kindness has natural healing benefits that are bestowed both on the givers and those receiving kindness. The warm feeling that we get from being kind releases oxytocin, the “love hormone” which helps to strengthen bonds with others by making us feel more trusting and connected. Being kind also releases serotonin and dopamine, hormones which lift your mood so you feel more positive.

As Dacher Keltner asserts in Born to Be Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life, when we give, share, or cooperate — reward circuits light up in the brain. Given that we are social beings, it makes sense that kindness toward others is intrinsically rewarding.

The release of oxytocin brings on a cascade of electrical impulses that can lower blood pressure, slow heart rate, and reduce levels of inflammation. This important hormone softens our arteries, speeds up wound healing, and stimulates the growth of new blood vessels.

Kindness occupies the same neural circuits as addictive drugs. It can be as effective as pain-killing drugs due to the release of endorphins. It’s no wonder that the array of activity flowing through the brain and body spawned by kind actions has been dubbed both the “helper’s high” and the “giver’s glow.”

Kindness Is in Our Genes

Evolutionary scientists believe kindness is part of our DNA. The human brain is innately wired to be altruistic. The desire to help others and the spirit of cooperation are fundamental to our human heritage. There is research suggesting the capacity to derive joy from giving may be a universal feature of human nature.

If altruism is a deeply rooted part of human behavior, then kind acts would be intrinsically rewarding from the earliest stages of life, even when these acts come at a personal cost.

To test this, researchers gave toddlers just under the age of two a pile of appealing treats and asked them to give one of their treats away to a puppet. The children exhibited more happiness when they gave treats away than when they received treats themselves. Surprisingly, they showed the highest levels of happiness when they gave a treat away from their own stash rather than the experimenter’s.

There is ample research showing that giving, both in terms of time and money, is positively related to health and wellbeing. When older adults were asked whether they gave help to others in the past year, those who did not provide help to others had a 30 percent higher chance of dying after a stressful life event than those who assisted friends, neighbors, or relatives.

To study the relationship between giving to others and blood pressure, researchers asked adults being treated for high blood pressure how much money they had contributed each month to friends and family, or religious, political, or charitable organizations. The more they gave to others, the lower their blood pressure was two years later. Following up, they gave them money and asked them to splurge either on themselves or on others. The charitable givers exhibited lower blood pressure than the self-spenders. The difference was on par with blood pressure reductions from exercise or starting new anti-hypertension drugs.

Those spending money on others report greater happiness in both rich and poor countries. Volunteering is also linked to experiencing happiness. The more people volunteer the happier they are.

Doing Acts of Kindness

Doing simple acts of kindness for just brief periods can increase happiness. Studies on performing acts of kindness show a variety of kind acts matters. It turns out, the variety of kind acts affects happiness more than how often they are performed. Because the brain loves novelty, doing the same kind act regularly can lessen its impact once it becomes familiar. Getting creative and doing surprising, unusual, and novel acts increases the natural high kindness brings. Doing a burst of kind acts in a short period rather than spreading them out over a longer period of time has a greater impact on happiness.

Taking just a minute to do something to make someone’s day a little better can sometimes make an immeasurable difference. When one of my dear friends had a serious bout of depression, I made it my first task of the day to find something loving, uplifting, encouraging, or funny to include in a text I sent to her every morning. I did this for 49 days—until she told me she finally was coming out of her “dark night of the soul.” It took me only a minute or two, but she keeps telling me how much that little act of kindness meant to her.

Here are some kindness practices to spark your own ideas of ways to bring more kindness into the world by taking some action that will have an impact on your own little circle, your community, or beyond. This list includes a variety of ways you can be more deliberate about making kindness a habit. Some you can do for just a moment, for a designated period, or decide you want to establish as a ritual you do every day. You never know the ripple effect of one kind act.

Ways to Boost Acts of Kindness

• Dedicate a day of the week to acts of kindness and challenge yourself to come up with novel kindnesses. For example, you may choose every Wednesday.
• Give something away. It doesn’t have to be something tangible. You might give someone your spot in line or give your time and attention to someone who needs some support.
• Make a kind or supportive comment to everyone you have contact with at your first encounter of the day.
• Have a “be a kind driver” day where you do things like let others turn ahead of you, let someone in line in front of you, and refrain from blowing your horn when you get annoyed.
• Buy a large pack of individually-wrapped snacks and walk through an area where those who are hungry congregate and give them all away.
• Devote a day to looking for opportunities to give out compliments. It could be for a job well done, a kindness you see someone doing, a nice smile, or anything at all.
• Spend a day doing acts of kindness for strangers.
• Be a “secret admirer” for someone and give the person special attention by doing kind, thoughtful, and surprising things.

You may also enjoy reading Do You Have the Courage to Choose Kindness? by Donna Cameron.

The post The Surprising Benefits of Practicing Kindness and How to Make it a Habit appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

If your quest for personal growth leaves you filled with negativity and self-doubt, consider the refreshingly empowering practice of Positive Psychology

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Life’s journey often feels like a relentless pursuit of happiness and fulfillment, yet so many of us find ourselves caught in cycles of negativity and self-doubt. Positive psychology offers a different lens—a refreshing, empowering view that focuses not on correcting flaws but on magnifying the inherent greatness within each of us.

When we identify and nurture our core strengths, we transform our daily experiences, turning ordinary moments into opportunities for profound personal growth and satisfaction. Keep reading to learn how to be your best self with the help of positive psychology.

The fundamentals of positive psychology

Positive psychology begins with redefining success and happiness. At its core, this field of study looks into what it means to truly thrive—exploring elements of well-being, fulfillment, and meaning. Traditional psychology often focuses on pathology, deficiencies, and what’s wrong with us, but positive psychology flips this narrative to ask a pivotal question: “What’s right with us?”

Humans are reservoirs of potential waiting to be realized. Positive psychology equips us with the knowledge and tools to tap into this potential by promoting an understanding of our most profound capacities for love, work, and play. It identifies and nurtures the aspects of our lives that enrich our experiences and relationships, making well-being and genuine happiness more accessible and sustainable.

Tap into your inherent greatness

One of the key pillars of positive psychology is the intentional use of our character strengths, the authentic aspects of our personality, that represent who we are at our core. Let’s face it: in a world that constantly tells us that we are not enough, it’s refreshing to have a science that proves that we are more than enough when we learn to embrace and ignite our true essence—our character. 

Unlike skills or abilities that are developed over time, character strengths are moral traits that define us and guide our behavior. Traits like kindness, resilience, creativity, and leadership are inherent to all individuals, like the muscles of our character that can be strengthened with practice and intention. 

Finding your character strengths

Can you imagine how useful a map that highlights your unique talents and strengths would be? This is what the Values in Action Institute survey does for each of us. This powerful tool digs into the essence of our character, revealing 24 universal strengths that we all possess in varying degrees. It offers a glimpse into your superpowers, ones that can guide you to greater self-esteem and a more satisfying life.

When I first took the VIA survey, I was both surprised and validated by the strengths it revealed in me. It was eye-opening to see qualities like kindness, creativity, and leadership highlighted as my top attributes. Understanding these strengths transformed how I view myself and approach challenges. It’s empowering to know your strengths because, when you lean into them, life seems to align more harmoniously with your true self.

Bringing your strengths to life

Knowing your character strengths through the VIA survey is just the beginning. The real magic happens when you start to apply these strengths in all areas of your life. Here are some practical tips to help you activate these qualities every day:

Set a daily strengths goal

Choose one strength each day and set a specific goal to use it in a new way. For example, if one of your top strengths is ‘curiosity,’ you could decide to learn something new about a colleague or explore a topic you’ve previously overlooked.

Strengths journaling

Keep a journal where you track how you use your strengths and the outcomes. This reflection can increase your awareness and appreciation of how your strengths impact your daily life, and bring a range of health benefits, too.

Strengths in relationships

Share your strengths with friends or family members and discuss ways you might use these traits to enhance your relationships. For instance, if ‘kindness’ is a strength, think of ways you can express this more in your interactions.

At work 

Identify how your strengths align with your job duties or how they might address challenges at work. If ‘leadership’ is a strength, consider ways you can take initiative or help guide a project to success.

Live your best life with positive psychology

From identifying our core traits with the VIA survey to actively integrating them into our daily actions, the journey to becoming our best selves is enlightening. Explore your strengths to move closer to a life filled with greater fulfillment, resilience, and genuine happiness.

Embrace the journey, cherish your gifts, and let them guide you to your full potential. For those ready to take it further, visit Talk to Tania to overcome limiting beliefs through positive psychology coaching.  Step into your power—transform the ordinary into the extraordinary.

You may also enjoy reading The Magic of Self Love and Positive Energetic Vibration, by Karamjeet Kaur.

The post Positive Psychology: A New Approach to Becoming Your Best Self appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

After decades of trauma and conditioning in her youth, one woman finally breaks free to find her way home to her authentic self

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I grew up in a home where at best I was unwanted, at worst, the scapegoat for the family’s woes. The trauma began early, at age four, after being taken from my loving aunt who raised me when my mother, her sister died of cervical cancer. I was six months old. The stepmother was cold, crippled, and bitter at her misfortune and the man my father turned out to be. She never wanted me, only the son who came later, but took the package to get out of her house. I inherited her housework and childcare as she got sicker, and as my father drank and withdrew more, I got her wrath as well.

Nothing I did was ever good enough. She punished me verbally with terrible names I didn’t even understand, and physically with pots, her nails, the wall, a belt-buckle, and torture — withholding food, blankets, warm clothes in winter, and attacking me in my bed in the dark of night. She hurt me psychologically by telling me I was stupid, useless, good for nothing, when in fact I did everything around the house. She kept me from my birth family, from friends at school and limited my access to her extended family so they wouldn’t know what was going on at home. To make sure I did not overshadow my half-siblings, she limited my access to books, homework time, and college.

I shrunk myself, becoming as small as I could to avoid her wrath, and my father’s attacks to please her. I lived in fear, hiding my face with my hair, never speaking or asking for anything, always hungry, always alert, made fun of in school, unprotected at home, never my own person.

When I couldn’t make it stop, I thought it had to be my fault. If I was only smart enough, I could make it stop, right?

What I did not know when I ran away at sixteen, was that the person I had become under her thumb made me ripe for further abuse and manipulation. I just knew I needed to be away from the constant meanness and the resulting depression and suicidal angst it caused me. I thought my troubles were over, but in reality, they were about to get much worse.

Contrary to what I had been told, I was not a bad kid. A mousy people pleaser, yes, but I still managed decent grades, didn’t smoke, drink or do drugs and was six months from graduating high school a year and a half early. I knew I didn’t want to be a loser like my dad who never had enough money for food or rent, so I kept up with school, got a few jobs, and saved my money, thinking I could buy security.

I started dating my boss at the IHOP, a dashing man six years my senior, a suit-wearing grown-up with a car who swept me off to Little Italy and the Empire State building for dinners, and showed me off to his family and friends. Six years is not much, right? Unless you’re only sixteen. I was too young to see the traps. When I got good at my job, he offered me more hours, and when I accepted, it constantly increased whenever anyone called in sick, him not taking no for an answer. When I complained about my living with a misfit family with a binge-drinking mom, he told me to move in with him and didn’t charge me rent. When we fought, he showed me the door. I was in a box of my own making and because my childhood groomed me to feel so powerless — never having had any choices, I could not see any way out. I stayed.

The worst was still to come. His best friend got “saved” and joined the evangelical church, and soon he started going too. None of us girls at the restaurant believed he could have found religion. He drank, smoked, swore, gambled, and treated people horribly. I went along to church one night, just to see for myself that he was telling the truth, and just like that, they started maneuvering me in. It started slowly at first. Didn’t I want to be unconditionally loved? Of course. Didn’t I want a forever family? Who didn’t? Saved instead of lost? Didn’t I want to belong?  Of course…I never had. He converted and soon, under the constant pressure, I did too. We “had” to marry because we were living in sin, and soon, I was shipped off to bible school to cure my “rebellious spirit.”

I couldn’t see then what I see now, that my parents’ grooming me to submit, be to the silent scapegoat, never allowing me to develop as my own person, never having any rights, but creating in me a feeling of fear, insecurity, failure predisposed me jump into whatever offered me a home, family and love.

The Cinderella story has hundreds of versions in as many cultures because it speaks to universal truths and dreams. 

We all dream of being free and pretty, wanted and loved, un-oppressed and equal. We dream of being rescued to grandeur and fortune by a charming Prince. Mine is the version where I had to redeem myself from the ashes and cinders, and rebuild the person I never got to become.

The church turned out to be an oppressive cult with an all-powerful leader that no one (but me) seemed to question, and before long I was doing things wrong there too, excommunicated for my troubles and told to speak to no one about it. My husband, domineering, restrictive, chose the pastor over me. I was told to confess to crimes I did not do or leave. Risking hell for the sin of divorce, I jumped ship.

At thirty-one, with no job, degree and little money, I left my husband, home, friends and church to start over again. I had no contact with people who had been my life for thirteen years. I had never lived alone. I moved as far away as I could to California, and slowly, slowly, one baby step at a time, rebuilt my life.

I decided I no longer believed in God, and was sorry I ever did. The new trauma of losing it all and being labeled a sinner uncovered my childhood trauma which I had not been allowed to deal with in the church because it was “God’s will.” I felt unmoored, and cried all the time. I grudgingly went to therapy, afraid to spend the little money I had. But finally, I was validated — told I was the one wronged, that it was never me, never my fault. It was always them, never me…all this time, a lifetime later. They had made it my fault so they could live with themselves.

The sea of life flooded into me. It wasn’t smooth, but it was steady, and it took time. I started dating, and kissed a few frogs along the way. I went to college at night and started a career in finance by day, found love, friendship and life. But the story was far from over.

When my stepmother passed away a year after leaving the church, her son — my stepbrother — eulogized her as a saintly mother, and her family — my stepfamily of aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins — tried to ignore her part in my life. My stepbrother was the prince and firstborn male in our Eastern European clan, and was kind and accommodating when I was broken and needy, letting me move in with him when I started over. But as soon as I stood on my own by moving out to avoid his moodiness and control, or stood up to him when he disparaged me relentlessly, they pounced. They agreed he was a bully, but I had to make up with him on his terms “because he was my brother.” When I said no, they cut me off. No more calls, Christmas cards, no rsvps for my wedding. I never heard from any of them again, including my brother. It’s been twenty-four years.

I paid a very high price for the privilege of being my own person. I lost my family, marriage, home, my friends, my church, and my faith. But it was nothing compared to what I’ve gained, and the power I felt saying no to my brother. I will never back down again.

—

Writing my memoir was an act of defiance, a validation of my story; refusing to hide, refusing to be ashamed of my past and refusing to accept their white-washed narrative which never addresses my abuse, or their complicity in it. I have lived very well with that. I hope they can too.

You may also enjoy reading Becoming Myself: Making Peace with a Traumatic Childhood, by Roberta Kuriloff.

The post Reclaiming Freedom: Rising from the Ashes of Trauma, Neglect and Abuse appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

High achieving women often fall into the trap of seeking an ever-elusive balance, but that can be a straight path to burnout and resentment

—

Anytime I’m on a panel or speaking or in session with my highly ambitious, successful female coaching clients there comes a point when we talk about balance. On panels and in workshops, I’m always asked, how do you balance everything? What’s the secret to balancing it all?

I so understand the desire of the questioner to know what she’s missing. And when I stop and reflect on that question, underneath is the notion that that’s what success looks like for women. That, balance and doing it all means we’re worthy and that we’ve been able to unlock this mystery that’s pervasive and elusive at the same time.

In my experience, it’s the one consistent question that gets asked all the time of women. And, if you haven’t asked it, you’re wondering and or thought about it off and on. And, you may feel that you’re missing the balance hack, you may even feel ashamed for not being able to balance it all.

When you’re a woman, whether you’re a mom or not, it seems that guilt, shame and exhaustion are the pillars of our life.

Balance somehow became ingrained in our psyche as the way to move through this world. The image of a woman having a thriving career, asking for the big projects, getting that promotion and managing a team with aplomb and then going home to make dinner for her family or partner, and then find time to work out and hydrate and read a book while we’re at it to keep our minds sharp and worldly all the while keeping up our homes and our social lives, too.

I bought into that storyline, too. It got me hook, line and sinker very early on. In my career, I climbed as high as I could with the big corner office, managing a large team, doing the strategic thinking, delegating, growing my employees and being a mentor to others to boot! Then, I’d go home to coach my daughter’s soccer team, while later making dinner for the family and then getting back onto the computer to grind it out and ‘be on’ from 7pm until I fell exhausted into bed at around midnight — completely ignoring my partner.

That’s what my week looked like and, on the weekends, it was just as packed and on the go with my 3 kids who at that time of my life were all under 5. YES! I was on that elusive balance track, grinding my way through the days, dealing with a rough postpartum depression that I didn’t really want to acknowledge and was just glad to somehow be on the other side of. I was definitely burning the candle on both ends really really HOT. Until it combusted. My body told me … well, it yelled at me that it was too exhausted to move and that I needed to stop. I remember a picture that was captured of me, fast asleep — sitting UP mind you, with my 3 littles flanked around me.

Breaking up with the chase for balance and the notion of balancing it all as success has been the best strategy for living a life that feels more aligned and much more authentic to me. Now, when I’m asked that question on panels and in speaking events, I say, we all need to text balance that we’re breaking up and there’s no going back!

So, how do we break this endless cycle?

It starts with giving ourselves permission. Yes. Give yourself permission to get curious about other possibilities and other ways of living that feel more aligned with you. Anything we aim to do differently requires the first step of self-awareness — and a mindset of curiosity is that unlock that helps you understand yourself better.

Ask yourself:

1. What are my values? Identifying your values helps you clearly see what your priorities are and if you’ve been making decisions according to that or not. (And by the way, I have a handout on my website that can help you identify your values.)
2. After you’ve identified your top 1-3 values, then identify what season of life you’re in. Are you early career, which can look different from mid and later career? Are you in a big transition where perhaps your kids are moving out to go to college? Are you out of college and just embarking on a career or are you in your 2nd or 3rd phase of a life transition that allows for more flexibility in ways you didn’t have before?
3. One you’ve identified your values and your season of life, put down all the ‘shoulds’.  What actions and activities are you saying ‘yes’ too from a mindset of “should” versus one that’s in honor of your values and season of life? That could mean you opt out of the happy hour with your friends or networking event.
4. Make decisions and say ‘yes’ to what lines up with your values, priorities and season of life! And start saying ‘no’ more often. This last part will require a lot of compassion for yourself. High achieving women have atrophied their muscle/ability to say no, but that’s ok…just begin and see how freeing it can be.

For this season of my life in which my kids are older, I have much more flexibility and can say yes more to work engagements, and I’m speaking more than I did in the past when they were little and I wanted to be home with them.

Ensuring that we stay authentic to our definition of success is a journey and constant practice. And, giving yourself a lot of grace and compassion in getting off the balance treadmill is a practice so worth doing.

You may also enjoy reading Better Boundaries, Better Balance: 5 Tips for Prioritizing YOU, by Sweta Vikram.

The post Breaking Up with Balance: Busting the Work-Life Myth for Women appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes

A psychotherapist draws from her client experiences to craft a novel inspired by human courage and hope in the face of painful circumstances

—

After stopping to smell my twentieth flower, I took a deep breath and headed to the mossy spot I knew Josh liked. I found him lying with his arm over his eyes, his distressed pose. I sat down next to him, my stomach in knots.

            “Sorry, Josh.”

            “Okay.”

            “It won’t happen again.” At least not for a while, and hopefully he would be the one to kiss me next time.

            “Okay.”

He was lying perfectly still, probably afraid to move around me now. I was a bundle of jittery nerves, sitting there rocking my legs from side to side, tapping my feet together.

            “Can we go back to normal?”

            “Okay.”

            “That’s not very convincing.”

            He moved his arm to look at me. “My life is so not normal right now, Kai. And you just made it weirder. I would love for things to go back to normal, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.” He put his arm back over his eyes. I felt like I was going to cry but held it in.

            “I really am sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

            “Don’t bullshit me, Kai. If you want to apologize, at least be straight.”

“That will make it even weirder. I’m trying to make it easier and better for you.” The way I handled Dad wasn’t working here. “What do you want me to do? I’ll do whatever you want.”

            He sat up, looked at me, then looked off into the distance. “I know you have feelings for me, and you know I don’t feel that way.”

He paused. I was pretty much holding my breath because it felt like breathing might lead to crying, and I really didn’t want to cry.

“But I do care about you, and I hope you know that too.”

I let out a long breath, feeling like this might actually be okay.

He picked up a branch and poked at the moss and dirt, then added, “You just have to stay in your lane, okay? We’re like cousins, siblings, friends. That’s how it is.”

I picked up a stick and dug in the moss too, thinking about that.

            “I’m okay with friends. And, like, second cousins twice removed. Not siblings. Can that be how it is?”

            He grinned and squinted over at me. “Okay, second cousins twice removed.” He tossed the branch aside, lay back down, and put his arm over his eyes again. “Your dad was not happy with me.”

            “Me neither, but he’s fine now. My dad likes to avoid messy stuff, so you’ll never hear about it again.” I dug in the dirt for a few minutes while we both pondered things.

            “You are a brave girl, Kai. And clever. You put yourself out there and get what you want most of the time, huh?”

            “Most of the time. Eventually. Sometimes I just have to be patient and wear people down.” I grinned and lay down on the moss next to Josh.

I felt different, older.

“This has been a weird day,” I said.

“You’re tellin’ me,” Josh answered.

“I had a talk with my mom that was different than ones we’ve had before, and this is different too, talking with you like this. But I talked to my dad and that was just the same. I don’t know, it’s just got me all confused.”

“Confused about what?” He turned his head toward me, his arm shading his face but not blocking his eyes now.

I kept looking up at the sky. Watching the light through the leaves made it easier to articulate my thoughts.

“Is it better to tell people what you think or to tell them what they want to hear?”

“Dang, that’s a serious question.” He rolled back into his contemplative position, arm over eyes. “I have no clue. I usually tell my dad what he wants to hear and do what he wants me to do, and my life goes along just fine. Then I stand up to him, and I get punched in the face and kicked out of the house.”

“Yeah, that’s what I mean. Mom said I should use my voice, not worry about what other people want to hear, but then she told me what I should say to you and Dad, and it was what you both wanted to hear, not what I really wanted to say.” A breeze rustled the leaves above me, and I squinted as the sun poked through the fresh spaces.

“I usually tell my dad what he wants to hear because he fights with my mom when she says what she actually thinks,” I continued. “It works better my way, but I don’t really like how it feels. I came out here to tell you what you wanted to hear, but then I told you what I really thought and that felt better.” I rolled my head to look at him. “It’s confusing.”

“It’s confusing because it’s bullshit.”

“Is that your favorite word?” I teased.

“It’s my life right now,” he joked back, although it wasn’t really a joke.

“It’s like they say to do it one way, but they don’t really mean it and they definitely don’t do it that way,” I said.
            “I’ve been thinking about all this since my mom put me on that train in the middle of the night, and I still don’t have a clue,” Josh said. “The one thing I do know is that some people clearly don’t want to know what we’re thinking or how we feel. Some people definitely want us to tell them what they want to hear. And if we want to live with those people without causing problems, we better do it their way.”

“You’re going to do it that way with your dad?”

“You bet, but I’m also going to get out of there as soon as I possibly can. College, work, whatever, I’m out of there one year from now. I can keep my mouth shut for a year, but then I don’t want to be like that. I want to be someone who means what I say and does what feels right.”

“I want to be that kind of person too. Maybe just not with my dad.”

“Yeah, probably not with our dads.”

“But maybe with each other?”

“Maybe.” Josh peeked at me again. “As long as you stay in your lane.”

I smiled at him and looked back at the sky. I wasn’t going to say anything that wasn’t true, so I kept my mouth shut. I saw him shake his head a little, grinning at my intentional nonresponse.

            I was thinking all these deep and profound thoughts, but mostly—really, truly, predominantly—I was thinking about Josh lying next to me, how someday maybe he would reach over and take my hand or roll over and kiss me, but how right now it was nice to just lie here next to him and know that he knew what I was thinking and feeling and that he was still there beside me. He didn’t like it, it wasn’t ideal, but he was hanging in here with me, and that meant a lot.

***

When I started writing All I Know, I thought it was a love story between Kai and Josh, but I came to realize that the novel wasn’t their story, it was Kai’s story, of which Josh was only one part. Josh is the boy that Kai has always loved, their families connected since before they were born. Kai’s belief that she is destined to be with Josh is a defining part of her identity, especially after a devastating tragedy shakes her belief in most everything else in her life. Kai’s journey, though, is never really about whether or not she will end up with Josh. It is about cultivating faith in herself.

As I began to focus the novel more fully on Kai, I paradoxically and simultaneously expanded the development of her other relationships, and the book became something that was romantic, yet went beyond romantic love to encompass the many forms love takes—the depth of sibling bonds, the power of female friendships, the complexity of parent-child relationships, and the importance and challenge of loving oneself. All of these iterations of love are interwoven, and I hear stories every day that prove that.

I am both a psychotherapist and a writer, and that makes perfect sense to me, since I have always been captivated by people and their stories. My professional life is built around listening to stories, and every day I absorb tales of heartbreak and loss, trauma and tragedy, courage and resilience, and those stories are reflected in my writing.

I have also learned how common it is for childhood wounds and unmet needs to impact the way people show up in their adult relationships.

This is certainly true for Kai and Josh.

At the very start of the book, Kai recognizes that Kade, her twin brother, and Josh are the two main characters in her life, so it’s natural that her relationship with Kade influences the one she develops with Josh. Part of the inspiration for that element of Kai’s story came from a client I worked with who had a sibling who was deeply troubled and caused much suffering for themself and my client. She tried her best to take care of them, to keep them safe and well, but that was out of the realm of what an adolescent person could do. We worked together to process the confusing combination of emotions she experienced about her sibling: worry about them, fear for herself, anger at them, guilt and shame that she couldn’t do more. We also worked on how she could trust people and move past her anger and guilt to grow healthy relationships. A lot of the work I did with her is reflected in Kai’s journey.

Kai’s father is an alcoholic who does not consistently show up for his kids, and along with Josh’s abusive experiences with his own alcoholic father, this leads to an enmeshed love story between the two of them that I have seen play out many times in my work with individuals and couples. Details vary, but the themes of codependency and shame, sacrificing core pieces of self for other, the resentment that comes from a lack of boundaries, are all things that clients talk with me about on a daily basis and have informed Kai and Josh’s complicated relationship.

Kai’s mother, on the other hand, is a positive guiding force in her life. She is stable and strong and wise. She is not perfect, but she is good enough. I am often amazed by clients who overcome horribly difficult experiences, wondering why some people get stuck in those hardships and others rise above them.

One thing that I have found to be true is that people with consistent, loving primary caregivers are more likely to be resilient.

They are more likely to recover faster when terrible things happen to them. They find it easier to trust in the world and have hope that things will eventually get better. I intentionally gave Kai a good enough mother so that she would have the inner resources to overcome the things I was going to throw at her.

Another protective factor that I observe in clients and gave to Kai was a circle of good friends. The women who know, understand and support Kai enable her to make hard choices and not get lost in damaging patterns for too long. I’ve worked with clients who are lonely and don’t have reliable friends, and they have a much harder time overcoming depression and trauma and tend to stay stuck.

Humans aren’t meant to struggle alone. We thrive in community, and those without community have difficulty thriving.

I always intended for Kai to thrive, so I surrounded her with a community of fierce females.

People often ask me how I can do this job, with all the pain and struggle that I vicariously experience. They miss the point. To me, the most profound part of my job is seeing people heal. For all their struggles, people overcome. I am constantly inspired by my clients’ courage, their ability to hold onto hope, their determination and resilience. I created a story that put a lot of obstacles in Kai’s path, but I only did that because I knew she would be a character who, like my inspiring clients, would find a way to keep going.

Throughout the novel, Kai writes letters to the important people in her life. The book ends with a letter to her brother Kade:

Josh is a part of me. You are a part of me. Mom and Dad are part of me. But I am also whole all by myself. That’s why I’m sitting here alone, feeling you and Josh and all our history, but not feeling lonely. I’m feeling myself.

That’s all I know, and it is enough.

You may also enjoy reading The Beauty of Vulnerability: How Being Vulnerable Can Improve Relationships, by Laura Bishop.

The post Stories of Resilience: A Novel Reflects Our Complex Relationships and Wounding appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Following her daughter’s still birth, one woman faces an emotional rollercoaster of grief, love and uncertainty as she finds herself pregnant again

—

She was a beautiful baby, with long black eyelashes and big dark lips. I will never know the sound of her coo or the color of her eyes. They never opened.

My first child was born dead.

Stillborn.

She moved and grew into a healthy child inside of me for 40 weeks and 4 days, only to become silent in the hours that I slept before her quiet birth.

Seven months after my daughter was stillborn, I was pregnant again.

Pregnant Again

“That’s not a line. It’s too faint,” my husband said as we stood shoulder to shoulder, examining the light blue stripe on the pregnancy test.

“Yes, it is. Look here, the directions say any line is a positive result,” I explained while pointing to the flimsy piece of paper in my hand.

He shrugged, “It’s too early. You haven’t even missed your period yet.”

“I know,” I replied. Looking down in defeat, I walked back to the bathroom and threw the test in the trash.

The excitement and innocence of this new pregnancy was held hostage by the defeat of the previous one.

Early Pregnancy Denial

Early pregnancy passed with apathy and detachment from my body. I didn’t let my husband touch my belly or talk to the “baby” that was supposedly growing there. Morning sickness was a cursed blessing. It reminded me that I was once again pregnant with a child I believed was destined to die, while at that same time, the waves of nausea comforted me in knowing that the being inside of me was maybe still living.

We waited longer than the time before to share the news — well past the 12-week “safe zone,” which now seemed naive and absurd to say. There is no safe zone in a pregnancy. Our daughter was a sure thing, or so we thought, and then she died on the day she was to be born. 

Other things waited as well. Even when my blooming belly began bulging out of my jeans, I would refuse to buy maternity attire, as it was a commitment to hope I was not ready to make, along with the fidelity to love this baby. The guilt that came with loving the possibility of a child felt like a betrayal of my love for my daughter who died.

I Already Have a Daughter

The ultrasound tech asked, “Do you want to know the sex?” I turned to my husband in the dimly lit room and could tell by the look in his eyes that our answer was yes. We both nodded.

In the moments before her announcement, my husband squeezed my hand tightly, as I repeated a silent wish to myself for our second child to be a boy. For the previous nineteen weeks, I had committed myself to the idea that if this child was the opposite sex from my daughter, then this pregnancy would surely have a different outcome than the previous one. It was a delusion I hoped to hold onto to help me get through the rest of this pregnancy.

“It’s a girl!”

As her exclamation echoed in my ears, my body became numb, and my mind began to quiver. Confusion and anger swirled throughout. 

Why this girl and not my other one? 

Will This Baby Die, Too?

As the pregnancy progressed, so did my fears. Instead of bonding with this baby, I made ardent efforts to not make the same mistake twice of expecting this baby to be a guarantee, like I so foolishly did with her sister. But with each passing week I was blooming with baby, I grew more attached to her. A subconscious connection had grown with the child inside of me as she did.

“Please, baby, move. Let me know you’re there,” were the words I would whisper through my large third-trimester belly each night upon waking anxiously from a deep sleep. 

Not knowing when the last time the baby had moved, I would count the minutes as I waited for her to kick, and sometimes I would poke and prod in hopes that she would push back. It was in her lack of response to my probing that I was certain she had died. Flashbacks to the words, “No heartbeat,” that marked her sister’s death flooded my mind.

“Please, baby, move. Please, be alive.” I was no longer asking, but begging her to respond. 

Kick. Kick. Jab.

With these wiggles, tears of relief released, “Thank you, baby. I love you so much! Please don’t die!”

Giving Birth to Life

Lub dub. Lub dub.

I could hear my heart beating in my ears as my eyes stayed focused on the surgical lamp above. In it, I could see the reflection of my OB-GYN lacerating my abdomen to start my cesarean section.

Within seconds of the incision, I heard the most sacred sound, the wailing of my second daughter’s lungs gasping for her first breath.

“Is she OK?!” I would repeat a hundred more times as my husband leaned down and kissed my forehead, his tears mixing with mine.

After the nurses tossed her back and forth like a football over the scale and wrapped her in a receiving blanket, she was placed on my chest. Her skin touched mine.

“She’s so warm. So warm,” I said in disbelief that this baby was not cool to the touch like my other.

I searched my breathing baby’s face for a person who was not there, disoriented by grief and how the past can show up in the present. The dissociation only lasted a second. Within a heartbeat, my soul connected to the new little bundle of life cradled in my arms.

She’s a beautiful baby, with long reddish-brown eyelashes and big pink lips. The sound of her coo brings a smile to my face. The color of her eyes is a seductive blue. When she opens them every morning and they meet mine, my heart whispers, “Thank you.”

You may also enjoy reading The Virtue of Vulnerability: How Miscarriage Reconnected Me to My Intuition, by Cindy Kirkilis-Kramer.

The post When a Pregnancy Follows a Loss appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 13 minutes

While appearing to have it all, one woman finds herself feeling empty in mid-life…until an unexpected meeting changes her life forever

—

[This essay includes excerpts from This Fresh Existence: Heart Teachings from Bhikkhuni Dhammananda (Windhorse Publications, April, 2024)]

I have always been a spiritual seeker. At age four, I asked my brother, who was five at the time, “Where is God?” He answered. “Everywhere.” Puzzled, I searched through the bushes but never found what I was looking for. I kept my brother’s words in my heart and figured I’d find the answer some day. That answer came in mid-life through a serendipitous encounter with a Thai Buddhist nun, Venerable Dhammananda Bhikkhuni, who led my on a spiritual journey from which there was no turning back.

​The year was 2005. My husband, thirteen-year-old son, and I had just relocated from our suburban home in Northern California to Bangkok for my husband’s job. Even though I was fifty-four years old when I met Venerable Dhammananda, I was not yet my own person. I did not have agency, direction, or backbone. Although excited to be living in Thailand, I was not particularly happy. I was in survival mode.

A wife and mother first and foremost, I did not question my marriage of twenty years, and was not passionate about my career working for non-profit organizations. To the outside observer, I was a successful ex-pat mom, living a life of privilege in Bangkok, and while that was true, I was suffering from a deep sense of insecurity, as if I were missing an essential part of myself. I wanted to feel passionate about life, confident, and connected.

​Perhaps that is why, soon after we arrived, I signed up for a women’s conference and attended an afternoon workshop entitled “Faith, Feminism, and the Power of Love.” That is where I first encountered Venerable Dhammananda, Thailand’s first fully ordained Theravada Buddhist nun. She was a tall, slender Thai woman dressed in saffron robes and flip-flops. Her head was a fuzzy crown of black shaven hair, and she wore thin gold wire-rimmed glasses. She possessed a quiet confidence as she spoke, and I still recall her words:

“We cannot solve anything with anger. Anger does not lead us anywhere. It is much harder to practice loving kindness and compassion. That is the goal of Buddhism.” 

​I felt chills as if she were speaking directly to me. I had struggled with anger all my life and intuitively knew I was blocked somehow, stuck in a negative cycle of resentment, sadness, and fear. I had never encountered anyone, particularly a Buddhist woman and a feminist, who spoke so quietly and radiated such a soft light. Her kindness was contagious, and I believe what drew me to her was my absolute faith in the power of her love.

Cindy and Venerable Dhammananda at her Temple in 2006

That was how our relationship began, and during the next three years I lived in Thailand, I became a Buddhist, and Venerable Dhammananda became my spiritual advisor, mentor, and teacher. The funny thing is that I was not born Buddhist; I was raised Jewish. But something about Venerable Dhammananda’s message transcended religious differences. Her words about loving kindness touched me to the core.

In the twenty years I have known Venerable Dhammananda, I have learned that being in her healing presence is a gift. There is something intensely compelling yet comforting about every word she speaks. When we talk, she gives me her full attention. Such is the power of her awareness; she is completely anchored in the here and now. While we are together the outside world drops away. There is no “Cindy,” there is no “Venerable Dhammananda,” there is only our connection. As she put it, “Not being Cindy, not being will, just be.” When we experience being, we are one. We leave aside individuality and separation.

Venerable Dhammananda says, “To be anchored in the present is a mental exercise.” She makes this look deceptively easy, but the truth is, it takes years of mental training and meditation practice to be fully present. 

​When I sit with her, she transmits to me, as if by osmosis, her personal teachings. It is an energetic exchange, one which I sense with my whole being, like warm sunlight streaming in, and an experience I cherish. However, our relationship has not always been harmonious. We have had our challenges. 

​One time in January of 2020, our relationship was seriously tested. I was visiting her temple shortly before my first book — a memoir called Finding Venerable Mothr — was published. I had given Venerable Dhammananda an advanced reader’s copy to review and was anxiously awaiting her feedback. I was not convinced she would like it, given the whole idea of memoir — writing about oneself — is so self-involved. This focus on the personal narrative ran counter to Buddhism which involves letting go of the ego and grasping. Even so, I hoped for the best and wanted her praise above all else.

It was mid-afternoon, and we had planned to meet at 3:00 pm in her favorite spot, a shaded area located underneath the dormitory, protected by a roof overhead. I sat and waited at a small, stone table. The air was still and hot. I glanced down at my watch, 3:05 pm, the waiting was excruciating. 

Within minutes she drove up on her maroon scooter she now uses as she gets older, comfortably perched as she pulled into her familiar parking space alongside the table. As she stepped off the bike, she carried a copy of my book in her hand. I took a deep breath as she began the conversation. “So, I have read your book. There are a few changes I want to make. You use the word ‘pray’ a lot, but in Buddhism we do not pray, we chant. Like here,” she pointed to a page, “This passage should read, ‘We pressed our palms together, bowed, and knelt as the nuns chanted a blessing’ — rather than prayed — ‘for us.’”

I was searching for signs of reaction in her face, but her expression remained neutral. What is she thinking? Does she like the book? She continued flipping through the pages showing me where she had marked other changes. 

This had not been a particularly easy visit. I sensed Venerable was frustrated with me, but I was not sure why. Then, looking directly at me, she said, “You remember the three brothers, greed, anger, and delusion? We are talking about grasping. Grasping for I, me, my, mine. You say my Venerable Mother, my teacher — this is grasping. When you let go of this grasping, Bodhicitta — enlightened mind — can blossom.” 

I was shocked and hurt by her response. I thought I had written a beautiful tribute to her, and she saw it as an example of my possessiveness. After our conversation I spent a quiet afternoon, feeling miserable. Later, all the nuns gathered as usual for evening chanting and Venerable Dhammananda’s dharma talk.

Dhammananda shared a story about a nun who realized she was pregnant. The Buddha understood that this woman had been married before and probably had not realized she was pregnant until she was already ordained. The question was whether she could remain in robes. Ultimately, it was decided that the woman would be allowed to remain ordained, keep her son for one year, and then relinquish the child for adoption.

The essence of the story was that the mother could not stop grieving for her son and wanted to spend time with him. She finally saw him again at the age of twenty-one. He was also ordained and was very harsh with her. The mother felt bad, but she was unable to stop clinging to him. Eventually the woman was able to stop clinging, let go of her craving, and became enlightened. That was Venerable Dhammananda’s message to me. She felt I was too possessive of her, my Venerable Dhammananda, clinging to her and idolizing her in a way that was unhealthy. She was sending me a message to let go of my attachment to her and allow for a spaciousness to grow in our relationship. 

The next day we met again, and I decided to bring up the subject of grasping. She drove up on her motor scooter and parked. Once she had a chance to get settled, I asked her directly, “Yesterday you were saying I am grasping at you? Do you feel that way?”

“Yes. I feel that when I read your book.”

“Do you think I am placing you on a pedestal?”

“Maybe. On the positive side you were saying ‘Venerable Mother’ helped you heal your suffering. But when you go overboard people might feel like that ‘Oh, she is my teacher, my venerable mother;’ it’s too much. You need to tone it down, so people get that the learning is not personal, but universal.” 

I took a deep breath and processed what she was saying. “So, are you telling me I need to let go of grasping to allow my mind to be enlightened?”

“Yes,” she said. “When you hold onto something so tight,” she gripped a water bottle to demonstrate, “it is not comfortable. When you simply touch it, then it feels natural. Allow freedom of the other party.”

I was beginning to understand what she was saying.

For years, I tried to control our relationship by constantly seeking her approval. I was grateful when she showed me attention but was also jealous when she singled out others for praise. My possessiveness was a kind of adulation, but I was suffocating her, although that was not my intention.

I thought about this conversation for months afterward, and about how, in all the years I have known Venerable, she keeps coming back to one theme: Letting go of I, me, my, mine. I asked her why this was so important to her.

She leaned forward with a look of earnest concern and said, “That is the core message of the Buddha. All the suffering and problems that we have are nothing but the clinging on to I, me, my, mine. If we want to experience true freedom, we need to be able to let go of the self, which from the very beginning is not there.” 

Three years later and without prompting from me, she brought up our earlier conversation and said, “And there was a time you were clinging to me as your teacher. You had so much faith in me, but I felt it was too much. I was afraid I would hurt your feelings by telling you.” 

I was surprised to hear this and reassured her I appreciated her feedback. Her honesty had helped me look at our relationship and where I needed to let go. If she had not challenged me in the way she did that day, I would have remained stuck in unhealthy behaviors. She helped me to understand a core Buddhist teaching: clinging to oneself causes suffering. I am forever grateful. 

The most profound experiences I have had with Venerable Dhammananda have been the two times I received temporary ordination, once in 2014, and again in 2022. Venerable Dhammananda offers temporary ordination at her temple twice a year. During the novice ordination women come to live at the temple for nine days, take the ten precepts, study the spiritual teachings of Buddhism, shave their heads, wear the robes, and practice meditation in hopes of improving their overall peace and contentment once they return to their normal lives. The opportunity is open to Thai and non-Thai citizens alike. At the 2022 ordination there were twenty-one candidates seeking ordination. I was the eldest participant at seventy-one and the only non-Thai speaker.

​The highlight of my most recent ordination experience in December of 2022 happened when the entire group went on a dawn alms round, called bindabat in Thai. This practice dates back to the Buddha’s time and benefits both the ordained monks and the laity. Monks depend on the local people for food, and in return the locals receive spiritual guidance from them. 

Cindy accepting alms during temporary ordination, December 2022

People in the community wake early to cook rice and other foods for the ordained women. By offering food, they are practicing generosity and with these acts of kindness they are generating good karma. Many Thais believe in karma and rebirth and that the actions they perform in their current life will have an effect on their next life. By giving alms, the locals are building good karma for their future. 

The monastic women at Wat Songdhammakalyani go on alms round between 6 and 7 a.m. every Sunday and on Buddhist holy days. The day our group went out for alms was a Sunday. We lined up according to height and exited the temple gates in partial darkness. As we turned off the main highway to a side street, word spread fast among the local community that a procession of twenty-seven women, novices and fully ordained bhikkhunis, carrying alms bowls, was approaching. Excited onlookers ran to catch a glimpse of us and then darted back inside to grab rice, water, packages of food — whatever they could get their hands on — to offer alms. It was kind of like a flash mob, a wave of people that swelled and gained momentum as we made our way down the street. People were overjoyed to see us, and we received almost four times more food than we normally collected. The cart carrying donations was overflowing. The people’s acceptance was heart-warming.

Cindy being shaven for her temporary ordination, December 2022

I would sum up cumulative years knowing Venerable Dhammananda in one word: initiation. For me the word ‘initiation’ means a new beginning and marks my transformation into a new way of life. Sharon Salzberg, world-renowned mindfulness and loving kindness teacher has a saying “We can always begin again.” At my age, this is my mantra.

Cindy and Venerable Dhammananda in September 2023

Whenever I visit Venerable Dhammananda it is as if I am initiated into a new world, a new way of seeing, being and understanding everything around me. That is why I have made annual pilgrimages to Thailand every year since 2014. Coming to the temple is like coming home to myself, it is where the missing puzzle pieces of who I am fall into place and the picture that is me makes sense. It may sound strange to travel ten thousand miles to a country where I do not speak the language to find myself, but that is how it has always been. When I sit in the presence of my spiritual teacher, I become whole.

I guess you could say my heart expands in response to her love, I become a more authentic, happier, joyful version of myself.

You may also enjoy reading Dying Every Day: Exploring Life and the Near-Death Experience with Reincarnate Buddhist Lama Mingyur Rinpoche, by Peter Occhiogrosso.

The post Becoming Buddhist: A Calling for Personal Growth appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

Facing cancer, one woman chooses to live fully — which leads to surprising joys, relationships…and even a novel

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I am a two-time breast cancer survivor, but my story is not really about cancer and its trials. It’s about how cancer taught me that humor, nature, exercise and relationships with both family and “found family” helped me heal and learn to stop living in fear. The strategies that saw me through breast cancer also led me to become a debut novelist at age 71, in better physical shape than when I was fifteen years ago, and more at peace

My first cancer diagnosis hit like a freight train. I was 55 years old, in otherwise good health, and working more than full-time as communications director for a statewide elected official and the sprawling state agency he oversaw. In an instant, everything took a backseat to cancer. There were two surgeries, three months of chemotherapy, seven weeks of daily radiation treatments, and then hormone therapy prescribed for five years. Time went by in a blur.

Cancer itself didn’t shock me. I had no thoughts of, “Why me?” Seriously, why not me? Why was I well-fed and clothed, living with a caring family in a comfortable house on a tree-lined street, with supportive friends and colleagues? Why was I not, say, wandering the desert in Sudan with an emaciated child in my arms?

Gratitude isn’t necessarily the first place you go when receiving a cancer diagnosis, but, despite the sudden-onset fear of death that comes with such news, I knew I was fortunate in every other respect.

That doesn’t mean my mind wasn’t off to the races with fearful images of recurrence. Despite a good prognosis, I secretly believed I had only two or three years to live. My cancer was early stage, but aggressive. I’d read that metastatic recurrence was most likely in the first two-to-five years (not true for my type, but that wasn’t then known). Also, from the time I was in my 20s, I’d lost many loved ones to cancer and at that time knew nobody who was a long-term survivor. The disease had taken both of my parents, my best friend, another very close friend, my first boss, a woman on my staff, three other close colleagues, two ex-boyfriends, and even my occasional housecleaner, also a friend.

I Googled so many medical articles I’m sure I qualify for an internet MD. I’d wake up at 2 a.m. and cut-and-paste the worst-case prognoses, proving to myself that this was it, cancer was my life and there wasn’t much left of it. In retrospect, I see that was my way of trying to gain some control in an uncontrollable situation. So sadly, that’s how I spent many hours in the supposedly last two years of my life — In fear, and obsessing.

Twelve Step programs have a saying for this: FEAR=False Expectations Appearing Real.

Despite that self-inflicted angst, there were points of light that gave me strength. Humor, for one, even in the roughest parts of treatment, I could laugh at myself and see the absurdity in specific moments. (Strapped half-naked to a table getting radiation, while “Boogie Wonderland” blared from a speaker. Trying on some hilariously awful wigs and cancer headgear. The “danger — radiation” sign that cancer patients must pass in order to get treatments that — look out — might cause cancer.) I found books and movies that made me laugh, and I’m blessed with a son and husband who are both hilarious.

Humor relieved tension, took me outside of myself and helped me gain perspective. Without humor, it can sometimes feel as if there’s no hope. And without nature, it’s too easy to get lost in one’s self. Walking among the beautiful trees in my neighborhood, on the beach or in the magnificent Redwoods, never fails to fill my soul. Writing, whether an essay or just a few sentences in a journal, helped to quiet my chattering mind.

During most of my first treatment regimen I worked full time, taking off only those days when I could barely get out of bed. Thoughts began to press in — what to do with what I believed would be my few remaining years? Supportive workplace or not, I couldn’t see spending those precious days in a windowless office, in meetings or press conferences or writing speeches. So, less than two years after my diagnosis, I retired early, having no idea what lay ahead.

I’d spent more than 20 years as a journalist, then a decade in political/policy PR, and decided I wanted to learn how to write stories in my own voice, from my own imagination. At the same time, I wanted to give back, particularly to women going through the frightful early days of breast cancer.

As my strength grew, I began taking short story classes, joined a prompt-writing workshop, and volunteered with a local breast cancer organization’s helpline. Before long, I was also a breast cancer peer navigator (mentor) with UC Davis Medical Center’s breast cancer program.

Some patients wanted only a supportive phone call or two, but with a few others I took notes at oncology appointments, went wig shopping, sat through chemo treatments, talked with their husbands and kids, shared dinner at my home and theirs, and talked for hours about the strange path we’d shared.

With these women I’d have never otherwise known, of different backgrounds, ages and personalities, a special bond developed. We became “found family” for each other.

I began to see myself through their eyes — as a healthy, happy, survivor whose hair had grown back and body had grown strong. Accompanying them on their journeys, watching them grew strong as well, was a powerful, spiritually nourishing experience. Like the protagonist in my novel, I was not one for support groups, but found my own support in offering it to others.

Connecting with others also helped my attitude and perspective. I saw that I was not special; mine wasn’t nearly the worst case. And relating with these women, often with laughter over simple things, lifted my spirits immensely. I began to write, not about them but about characters who meet in a cancer support group and, late in life, develop such intimate bonds, deeper in some ways than the bonds they had with family members. In what eventually became my novel, Almost Family, I wrote about difficult things, but I also used humor in my writing. Creating this story was not only satisfying as a writer, it helped remove me from my own cancer experience. Through writing, my cancer began to feel like someone else’s story.

I’d lived through my two-year feared expiration date. Working out regularly at the gym, spending more leisurely time with friends and family, making it a priority to enjoy the outdoors, I began to feel and look healthier than I had before my diagnosis. My secret new password? “Alive@65!” It seemed conceivable I’d make it to that goal, or even beyond.

Well, age 65 passed, and in the years leading up to it I learned to face up to my fear. I thought, what is the worst thing that could happen? Well, I could die. And then… Guess what! I’m going to die anyway, of something. We all are, and we have no way of knowing when. So why not keep living fully while we’re alive? I saw how the terrible things I’d imagined never actually happened. My worst experiences were in my imagination!

I found that facing mortality is freeing, and helped focus and give power to my life.

Accepting mortality also propelled me to quit procrastinating on things I wanted to do with this time-limited life, including finishing that novel.

Drafts of the novel were awarded, rejected, praised and rejected again, but my cancer experience helped me to not take any of it personally. I had approached the novel with the eyes and habits of a journalist, not yet a novelist, and still had a lot to learn. After initial rejections, I put it on a shelf and began work on a second, completely different story.

Thirteen years after my first diagnosis, I was living happily and my previous bout of cancer rarely even crossed my mind. There was the pandemic to think about, and my weekly writing group moved to Zoom, along with regular online meetings with family and old friends. That time of pushing through isolation in order to stay connected deepened the gratitude for friendships that had grown with cancer.

One day in February of 2021, I put on a mask and went in for a routine mammogram, and another tumor was found. In short order, I had a mastectomy — actually three different surgeries — and the same course of chemo again.

Once again I lost my hair, but the months of treatment were radically different, because I was no longer caught in fear. I knew I’d come through. With the gift of retirement, I had built a stronger community of friendships, meeting outdoors or online at that point. My chosen family of close friends enriched the family given to me by birth and marriage. My creative writing practice was spiritually fulfilling, and physically, though older, I was in better shape than I’d been even fifteen years earlier.

I exercised to stay strong, walking stairs or outdoors three to four miles on most days The day before each chemo session I went on a strenuous hike somewhere beautiful in nature; that made the difference between bouncing right back and laying about sick and depressed like I had the first time.

After my second diagnosis, I pulled that first novel off the shelf and began revising it until I was satisfied it was the story I wanted and needed to tell. Writing it allowed me to put my creative mind to my own cancer experience.

Like my characters, I know that l’ll keep growing until the end of my life, with or without cancer.

I’m now 71, and my debut novel, Almost Family, comes out this Spring. My last cancer experience is three years behind me, and my next novel is about a third of the way done.

Recently, I was at a writer’s conference where on two different panels, authors lamented their ages. “Well, I’m old,” said one. “Fifty-two!” Another said she got her start as a writer late in life — at age 37. I stifled my laughter.

However, when I learned my novel would be published and that I suddenly needed to consider things like author photos and appearing before strangers, I’m embarrassed to say that my first thought was, “should I go back to dyeing my hair?” (Post-chemo, it grew back white). I wondered, will people take me seriously as an older woman author? I quickly realized it doesn’t matter — I have no control over what other people think or what stereotypes they carry. And who would I be kidding? Besides, I’ve grown to like having white hair.

Like most people I know in my age cohort, I don’t feel old, and I don’t buy that being over 60, or 70, or whatever other arbitrary age is determined by society as “elderly,” makes me incapable of pursuing the things I want in life. Particularly when it comes to writing, I believe the more years you’ve lived the more you have to offer. Certainly I have more to learn, more ways in which to grow, and life will continue to throw me some curves. But I’m more adaptable, more relaxed and more open to new experience than I have been at other times in my life.

So I’ll keep writing, because it’s what I do.

You may also enjoy reading Mastectomy & Self Love: How Losing My Breasts Helped Me Love My Body, by Sarah M..

The post How Cancer Helped Me Let Go of Fear and Make Deep Connections appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

How to embrace and practice allowance to create the reality you want in life

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Allowance is a tool which can quite literally change all aspects of life including relationships, finances, career and more. Although allowance is a powerful and pragmatic way of improving one’s life, it is not something that is often talked about nor is it fully understood. Here is an overview of the fundamental principles of allowance along with its practical application.

1.   Your points of view create your reality

A common perspective is that life happens to us and that our view of life, our own, others and the world, is shaped by the experiences that come our way. The opposite is true. Your point of view creates the reality you experience. The reality you experience does not create your point of view. This distinct difference is crucial in understanding the fundamental principles of allowance. In fact, it is the bedrock on which allowance is built.

Points of view are powerful things. As an example, if you have the point of view that you must work hard for money, you will ensure that you work hard for every dollar you earn. If you have the point of view that your kids should do what they are told without question, when they don’t, you will react. Positive points of view work as well. The rich and wealthy who always have money continue to have it because they have the point of view that they will always have it. There are countless examples of how your points of view are creating everything you are experiencing in your life. Change your points of view and your experience will change too.

2.   Total allowance is just a choice

No matter what is occurring in your life and with whom, you can choose to be in allowance simply by shifting your points of view. Here’s how:  Every time you notice a point of view you simply say to yourself, “Interesting point of view, I have that point of view.” Say it until you feel lighter, your mind becomes quieter, or you notice even a miniscule amount of change in your thinking. Using this practical application is how you get to allowance and when you are “in allowance,” you never have to have a point of view about whether something is right or wrong, good or bad, which makes the point of view nothing more than an opinion.

3.   Allowance questions everything

A mathematician once gave a lecture to a large group of people. During his talk, he asked how many of the participants were “dumb in math.” He was stunned when all, but a few people raised their hands. That is just not statistically possible. Most of the people raising their hands had judged themselves or were judged to be “dumb in math” and as a result, they made choices in their lives based on their judgment that would prove to themselves and the world that they are dumb in math. Instead of being an astronaut, as they dreamed of when they were children, they had to settle for something else because they knew, in their heart of hearts, that they didn’t have what it takes. They were dumb in math.

What they were missing were questions. What if they had asked themselves, “Am I so dumb in math?” “How do I know?” “Is it true?” “Interesting that I have that point of view.” And that’s all it takes. You can also ask, “How are my points of view limiting me? How are my points of view creating what I am not happy with? Allowance questions everything. 

4.   Allowance includes you

Allowance for yourself is knowing that you’re going to be everything you are whether anybody likes it or not! When you choose to be in allowance of yourself, you begin to free yourself from the judgments that you have been using to limit you, whether those judgments are yours or anyone else’s.

A tool that you can use to assist with choosing allowance for yourself is to write down a list of all the things you think are the worst things about you, then write down all the things you think are the best things about you. Look at both lists and ask, “What judgments do I have to have to keep these points of view in existence?” Because it is guaranteed that both the “best” and “worst” things are based on judgments you have that you haven’t yet acknowledged. Now, use “Interesting point of view. I have that point of view”.

Allowance is a pragmatic way to enjoy life to the fullest and have more ease dealing with people and situations, even the difficult ones. Choose the points of view that create what you desire rather than holding on to the ones that attract what you don’t, recognize that you always have a choice, ask questions about everything and last, but not least, have allowance and gratitude for you.

If you want to create more living, you must be in allowance.

You may also enjoy reading Finding Happiness by Shedding Projections, Expectations and Rejections, by Gary Douglas.

The post The Fundamental Principles of Allowance and How It Can Serve You appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

A mother recounts the devastating removal of her son at birth, but her undying love eventually leads to their reunion decades later

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1970 in pre-Choice America. The lonely only child of a high-ranking naval officer and a socially ambitious mother, after our eighth move in thirteen years, I longed for a normal adolescence — to have lasting friends, to feel rooted.

What I got was a pregnancy at fourteen and exile to a “home for unwed mothers,” where I was given a fake name, my identity erased.

I had done the worst possible thing for an officer’s daughter: disobeyed orders and shown no discipline. So I was given a new order: give up my baby at birth and never speak of him again. I was told it would be “best” if I could forget, but that only made me more determined to remember.

Twenty-two years later, my longing undiminished, pre-internet, pre-DNA testing, and without even knowing his adoptive name, I set out to find him — and perhaps, through my search, to regain myself.

—

After I found my son and felt his compassion, I forgave myself for having lost him. He was able to embrace both the mother who had given birth to him and the parents who had raised him.

I sit at my desk now, more than fifty years later, in a writing loft built for me, watching my birds and feeling the morning sun warm the early spring chill. What is memoir but memories? We write not just to tell a story or publish a book, but to find out something about ourselves.

Excavating my history through writing allowed my frightened memories to be out in the open after decades of carrying them in isolation. The process included recalling the vivid details of an acid trip in 1974…

September 1974

Let me say I am not even surprised to be having a truly bad trip. I knew it could only end poorly when college boyfriend Sean suggested we do one and a half dots of acid, not one. He’s one hundred and seventy pounds to my one hundred and ten and he’s cool, but I’m freaking…

God, my baby. Nothing seemed to matter that much after I relinquished him. I was smoking pot every day, dropping out for a semester. Donning blue jean overalls, purple T-shirt, moccasins, and a turkey feather in my hair for an interview as a pharmacy assistant. Being not-so-politely escorted out. Trying to escape my trauma but not knowing how, and not connecting my silent tears at night with my frequent daylight vitriol.

And now, I am tripping. Maybe I have always been tripping, if tripping is a journey not self-directed but induced by forces external to oneself. Aha, yes. Crowded out of my own self by the agendas first of my parents and later of other significants in my life.

—

But let me start again with what I am sensing at this moment.

Duke Forest. Lush, cool, fragrant, usually comfortable and familiar. Today, enigmatic and dark. What sun there is, is weak. A black form builds steadily from the west. A storm? An eclipse? Whatever its nature, it seems determined to overtake us. I shudder and my heart races.

Geometric patterns, like a mesh, imprinted on everything, including the inside of my eyelids.

Normally a comfort, a sense of order and harmony, but now they’re rigid, domineering. I can’t blink my eyes and shake it off. The universe asserting its unyielding authority — I sob with this new understanding. God help us, I wanted it to be chaos, or at least flexibility, not geometry.

And the trees. It’s only safe near the pines. The deciduous leaves are huge, reaching toward me, as if they will fold themselves around me and swallow. Stay away from the Catalpas and Basswoods. They have more secrets than leaves. As they stare at me, I realize they know mine: how I gave away my child; how I failed to fight for him; hung my head, surrendered.

Such shame. My face wet, I touch the water and put it to my lips. Salt. Salt of the earth, but the earth is raw. My hair stands on end and I tip over, spilling into the sky and down into the dirt.

Where is Sean? Lost in the forest, I’ve misplaced my mind.

It’s the acid…it’s the acid…it’s the acid…

Gone for so long I can’t figure out the time. Everything is anything. Falling deep into flow, deep into know. So much to think about, so much to feel for, so much to fear. So easy to lose one’s way. All I want to do is to catch words like butterflies in nets, but they escape me.

Voice disappearing, consciousness fragmenting, crystal shards laying on the forest floor, scattered about, lost in the wash, a creek flowing beneath my soul.

A fly, ferocious, hovers with the wop-wop-wop of helicopter blades. The pulsing climbs up inside until I want to fly out of my skin. Dive bomb. . . Run! Escape to the water. Why did it attack in peacetime? Vibrations vibrating, pupils dilating. Black orbs look back at me as I scan the liquid patterns, merging, morphing. A creek of egg-rocks… The music smells like sassafras. Dawn to dusk, drawn to musk, too dosed to focus.

The past is non-existent, yet I climb out of it. The future is imaginary, yet I dive head first into it… I see the trajectories, both backward and forward. Towheaded infant, his eyes meet mine. The covenant we make to withstand time. The tablets of time spin slowly through space.

But oh. An epiphany! It is Universal Geometry that generates the threads that connect us all — past, present and future! Not domineering or unyielding after all, it simply is. A silver latticework of interconnections, patterns that repeat themselves in nature and give rise to infinite symmetry. The spider’s geometric silken web, the snowflake’s fractal structure, remind me that these designs thrive on a celestial scale.

Universal Geometry propagates the cosmos with patterns that symbolize the promise of connection. This is the mesh I see! And now I understand that my heart is one endpoint and my son another, a silver thread our tether.

My god, the universe will help me after all… We are of the same continuum, and I am greater than my pain.

The tablets will turn, and we will know to follow the silver thread to one another, when he will look into my eyes and see his own.

Thank God for the acid…thank God for the acid…thank God for the acid…

You may also enjoy reading Rooted in Nature: Planting the Seeds for a Relationship with My Autistic Son Through Our Love of Trees, by Clemens G. Arvay.

The post Love and Heartache: An Unfathomable Separation of Mother and Child appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

An Ayurvedic doctor shares practices and insights that can improve not just the grieving process, but your health and enjoyment of life

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In this Q&A, Bill Miles, Co-Founder and Creative Director of Best Self Magazine, puts forth questions for Dr. Sweta Vikram, inspired by her new book, The Loss that Binds Us: 108 Tips on Coping with Grief and Loss.

Q: Sweta, you’ve been a supporter and contributor to Best Self for several years now. Can you tell us how you became connected to Ayurvedic practices? How has Ayurveda shifted your life?

I grew up in an Indian, Hindu home where Ayurveda was a way of life and a few family members practiced yoga asanas daily. My mother was famous for her “healing abilities” — as in, she understood that plants are potent, so she would use food and spices to help in people’s healing journey. She wasn’t an Ayurvedic Doctor or practitioner, but she instinctively knew what foods worked best for a particular disease — be it someone recovering from heart attack to a kid recovering from chickenpox or a neighbor battling jaundice. The doctors were often impressed with her healing instincts that complemented their treatments. She would tell us to avoid mixing dairy with meat, chicken, and fish. As a teenager, I asked for scientific evidence for these suggestions, which my mom didn’t have. So, I let the information simmer.

After Mom passed away suddenly, I was filled with questions about Ayurveda and started exploring it more intentionally. When I found myself in critical life and health scenarios, I sought answers in classical Ayurvedic texts. It wasn’t just about health and wellbeing but also productivity. How to beat creative blocks! How to practice sustainable self-care. How to nourish mind-body wellbeing. How to implement daily rituals and much more. What spices were the best for each season? Or why shouldn’t we mix dairy with fruits?

What started as curiosity and desire to make day-to-day living better using holistic practices…changed over the years. I got more interested in the clinical practice of Ayurveda and disease management: Why do diseases happen and how do we get to the root cause? My mother’s unexpected passing was the big catalyst for this transformation. Then when I got off the cancer watchlist without being on any medication, even my surgeon and doctors agreed that my diet and lifestyle choices had played a big part in my recovery.

Q: In your new book, The Loss That Binds Us, you explore the complexities of grief and how Ayurveda provides a framework for navigating them. Can you elaborate on this and the 108 crucial “marma points” of your practice?

Grief is nuanced and complicated. It shows up when it chooses. I don’t think it ever truly goes away completely (I spoke with at least a dozen people who lost a parent decade or more ago, in the process of writing The Loss That Binds Us), but it slowly transforms and takes other shapes.

Ayurveda teaches us that most diseases start in the mind.

Unexpressed and unaddressed grief can become toxic and lead to anxiety, stress, burnout, emotional upheavals…to name a few. Ayurveda reiterates that the mind-body are connected, so grief might lead to imbalance in emotions, which will impact a person’s life choices around diet, lifestyle, relationships, and overall wellness. Dinacharya in Ayurveda, or daily routine, promotes self-care through different activities and can be extremely helpful.

Self-care needs to be sustainable and built into daily practices, especially when you are grieving. Because the mind will tell you stories and you will feel tempted to believe them. This could send one down a spiral. Ayurveda offers techniques and tips to stay grounded through the worst of life’s storms.

I cremated my father-in-law after completing the last rites for my own father and doing a ritual for Mom’s 9^th death anniversary earlier that morning in a city 3 hours away. Later that night I caught a plane to JFK, from Mumbai, India, to attend school — I was studying to become an Ayurvedic doctor, and both my father and father-in-law were looking forward to this milestone achievement. Because of my dinacharya, I woke up diligently at a certain time, moved my body, connected with friends and family, meditated every day, paid attention to what I was feeding myself, supported my husband, managed to work and go to school, stayed in regular touch with the rest of our families who were grieving, and I didn’t brush aside my own grief.

Marma points are the vital points in our body, which contain prana or qi or life energy. Ayurveda’s Marma Chikitsa allows one to address emotional challenges at the root. Grief can deplete us on a cellular level and wreak havoc on our mental and emotional wellbeing. Part of my evolved dinacharya at the start of the grieving period also included massaging certain points on my face, head, and heart to release the stress, grief, and any emotional blockages. I also gave myself marma massage to relieve stiff muscles and boost circulation. I used dosha-specific oils to massage these points. Know that even a simple marma massage can help us get connected to our body and breath and as a result, will deepen our healing.

Q: For many, grief can feel very isolating…very personal and lonely. Yet it is actually an experience which connects all of humanity. How have you personally transformed this sense of isolation into a shared experience, and what has been the impact of that for you?

In our home, we had two deaths two days apart. My father-in-law died two days after my father passed away…none of these ends were expected. I didn’t have the privilege to just focus on me and my grief. My husband, brother, sister-in-law, and mom-in-law had all lost someone they loved. As a family-oriented person, I showed up for everyone. We also had nonstop condolence visitors for the first three months after we returned from India. I had to approach grief and grieving with a very different mindset.

I am quite the external processor, so I wrote about my journey. I intentionally carved out time to talk about my father and father-in-law daily. I shared stories of transformation and spirituality. Being a writer rooted in holistic wellness felt like the biggest gift during challenging times. It’s like I had an outlet and a channel for things to flow. My husband is an internal processor, so I held space for his need for pockets of solitude. He didn’t need to discuss his feelings or loss. He didn’t go in denial or fold up his grief. He didn’t leave his grief unaddressed either. What he needed was to sit with the discomfort and let it pass. To get clarity and figure out his next steps, he needed the quiet.

I understand that no one can replace my father or feel the excruciating loss that I must deal with. But I also know death doesn’t discriminate and touches each one of us at some point. If we are better prepared for the inevitable, we conserve our energy. In writing — social media posts or articles and essays, or even my book The Loss that Binds Us — with a focus on the many shades of grief, I connected with beautiful souls sailing in the same boat. I had mental health professionals tell me that my book gave them the permission to acknowledge their own grief.

Q: You sometimes refer to “unhealthy” patterns of grieving…can you explain what those are, and alternatives that are more effective?

Each individual and their needs are different. But fresh grief can create room for unhealthy diet and lifestyle habits, which can then become dependable and unhealthy patterns. For example, it you have an existing eating disorder, loss and grief can trigger it. It’s understandable if you choose to skip meals or eat at random while in the middle of the rites and rituals. But pay attention to your diet once you return to your “normal” life. I have seen clients fall prey to sugary treats or mindless indulgences or do no exercise or completely cut themselves off from everyone and then get frustrated with weight gain, emotional rawness, and health issues.

Sleep is another one. When we sleep is when the mind-body rests, flushes out the toxins, and boosts the immune system. Grief is exhausting. Your actions should boost your system, not deplete it. I believe in habits over motivation. Except for extreme exhaustion or an illness, I would recommend having a routine in place. It’s also a good distraction from your own grief.

I didn’t ask myself if I wanted to exercise or cook or see a cousin or attend classes or complete a deadline. A grieving heart would say NO to all of the above. But I showed up to people and responsibilities while being discerning of who/what nourished me.

Yes, the grief feels destabilizing, but you have to find the motivation to make mindful choices for your mental, physical, financial, and emotional wellbeing.

Q: Lastly, for readers who may be contending with loss in their lives right now and feel stuck in a whirlwind of emotions, what would you most like them to take away from this conversation to help them through?

No one is coming to save any of us so prioritize what you need.

I don’t mean to be morbid.I was raised to believe that when we take care of each other as human beings, society heals and progresses. But life and loss, along with becoming an orphan in my 40s, has taught me that nothing in this world is permanent. Yes, I experienced much kindness from strangers and loved ones. After my dad’s passing, friends and family surrounded us with food, hugs, cards, flowers, visits, messages, love, and much more for over three months. But I also felt abandoned and “orphaned” by many older extended family members.

I learned that relationships, emotions, success, failure, sadness, good times, bad times…they are all transient and fleeting. People are so caught up in what serves them best and their own struggles that no one has the capacity to care after a certain point. I don’t blame anyone for it. We have all been wronged by people we didn’t expect, by those close to us…and we’ve likely all wronged some people we care about, even if unwittingly. I have learned that unless you take care of yourself and lean into self-reliance, it’s impossible to heal and move on.

Grief has taught me to find joy, cherish good memories, build strong social connections, not hold grudges, make time for my healing, be fully present, surround myself with nourishing company, prioritize my own needs, lean onto people I trust, hold space for the dichotomy of grief, and practice gratitude for the big and small things we take for granted.

You may also enjoy reading, 7 Ways to Release Grief from Your Body, by Joni Sensel.

The post Navigating Grief with Ayurvedic Principles: A Q&A with Sweta Vikram appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Trauma comes in many forms and is often a result of family lineage, which is why acknowledging the role of your ancestors can pave a path for healing

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Many people think of trauma solely as an incident that happened to us or someone else that is intense, violent, or life-threatening; however, trauma can also be a suffering from emotional or psychological pain that results in stressful feelings.

Healing Intergenerational Trauma

Just as trauma can be intergenerational, so can healing. A literature review by Buonagurio [1] (2020) showed that dance/movement therapy can help individuals heal from intergenerational trauma or trauma that gets passed from one generation to the next. In this case, the body embodies the trauma and movement allows the individual to weave their narrative back together to acknowledge the inherited trauma, while at the same time promoting a sense of healing.

As Brown says, “your family’s past is not your destiny” (2022). Connecting with our ancestors not only sheds light on the past, it can also provide clues to who we are and how we can heal from intergenerational trauma. The fact is, because our ancestors’ destiny is not ours, we do have the power to heal and initiate change in our lives and future generations. [2] 

In Ancestral Medicine: Rituals for Personal and Family Healing [3], Dr. Daniel Foor (2017) states that relating with your ancestors in a conscious way is beneficial for both psychological and physical health. In other words, it can boost confidence, make us aware of family predispositions and foster a sense of forgivingness which is an important aspect of familial healing. Those who are connected with their ancestors often feel more supported and comfortable in their skin; it encourages introspection, which can bring about clarity on our life purpose.

Losing Loved Ones and Visitations

By the time we arrive in our sixth decade, many of us have lost a number of loved ones. Some of those individuals might have been ancestors, including relatives and mentors, who have changed our lives in a meaningful way. It’s important to note that ancestors can also refer to places we’ve visited that deeply influenced us, and who may return in the form of a visitation.

During the Covid-19 pandemic lockdown, I found myself with a lot of time to ponder my ancestors and how they’ve influenced my life. I also spent many hours in my home writing studio waiting for the muse to arrive. Using keen observational skills, I was able to manifest the muse which inspired my most recent memoir, Hummingbird: Messages from My Ancestors, a Memoir with Reflection and Writing Prompts.

The journey of writing this book began with a daily hummingbird visit to the red flowers outside my writing studio window. It didn’t take long for me to believe that this beautiful visitor represented my maternal grandmother and caretaker, who died from suicide when I was 10.

My grandmother made herself known in a way that I cannot put into words. It’s important to note that she’s had a strong presence in my life since her passing nearly 60 years ago, because like me, she was also a writer and a healer. The pandemic hummingbird arrived at important moments, such as when I was dealing with personal or familial challenges. Sometimes when it visited, I asked it a question and heard my grandmother’s answer.

In addition to visits such as hummingbirds, there are other ways our ancestors come around. The important thing is that we pay attention to signs. Some people have found their ancestors appearing in the form of butterflies, wild animals, pictures, rainbows, slogans, coins, billboards, electrical interferences (such as flashing lights or cell phone), music, feathers, and certain numerical sequences.

Hummingbirds as Spiritual Guides

Intuitive individuals believe that hummingbirds are the greatest proof of messages from heaven. The birds can easily travel backward, which reminds us that it’s okay to look to our past and connect with memories of loved ones who have passed away. It’s been said that those who were close to you before they died commonly send messages in the form of bird spirit guides. 

Hummingbirds, in particular, resonate at a high vibration, which makes them more connected to the spiritual realm. They’re also joyful reminders and tend to open our hearts and make us smile.

Hummingbirds are referred to as messengers from the heavens because they often show up when people grieve the loss of a loved one. In this way, they can also be healing. If you ever watch a hummingbird, you’ll notice that it can come to a complete stop when traveling at high speed. Also, their movements are often in the shape of an infinity sign; thus, their connection to eternity.

Some Native Americans believe the presence of hummingbirds brings unconditional love and harmony. The Aztecs, in particular, viewed hummingbirds as brave and courageous fighters. They also believed hummingbirds to be immortal, connecting us with our ancestors. Whenever one appears, it’s sometimes viewed as a visitation from an ancestor or a manifestation of a departed person’s spirit.

Ancestors Fostering Hope

Visits from ancestors can foster a renewed sense of hope and the ability to see life’s larger picture. Having hope is critical [4], especially when dealing with challenging times, tragedy, illness, the possibility of death, or even surviving a pandemic, while at the same time can help with understanding and coming to grips with intergenerational trauma.

While I’ve had some visitation from ancestors over the years, there was something very powerful about those lockdown hummingbird visits. I felt a renewed sense of perspective and the ability to see life’s larger picture. The hummingbird also had a calming effect on me, reminding me that everything will be okay.

In 2024, may you also be blessed with connecting to your ancestors during this year of the Dragon, which, according to Chinese culture, brings both luck and power.

Reflection / Writing Prompt:

•   Describe any intergenerational healing that needs to occur in your family.

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References

[1] Buonagurio, N. (2020). “The Cyle Continues: The Effects of Intergenerational Trauma on the Sense of Self and the Healing Opportunities of Dance/Movement Therapy: A Literature review. Expressive Therapies Capstone Theses.

[2] Brown, E. M. (2022, March 16). Intergenerational trauma and the promise of healing. Psychology Today. 

[3] Foor, D. (2017). Ancestral medicine: Rituals for personal and family healing. Bear & Company.

[4] Raab, D. (2024). Hummingbird: Messages from My Ancestors, a memoir with reflection and writing prompts. Ann Arbor, MI: Modern History Press.

You may also enjoy reading Healing from Breaking the Cycle: Healing from Complex Trauma, by Laurie B. Timms

The post How Connecting with Ancestors Can Help Heal Intergenerational Trauma appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

Following a lineage of arranged marriages, one woman realizes that her life could not be fulfilled within the walls of her own marriage of convenience

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My grandmother was fourteen when a man in her Southern Italian village asked to marry her. He was twenty-eight, a stranger to Gramma. She said, No! But her mother told her, “Marry him. He’ll take you to America.” They settled in a Pittsburgh steel town, where my mom grew up “American.” But when she was eighteen, her parents brought her back to their village, where she and my father had an arranged marriage, which helped him immigrate to the U.S. from war-bedraggled Calabria.

The first in our clan born in the U.S., I was always the family rebel, but at thirty-nine, I improvised family tradition and arranged my own “marriage of convenience” to a man I’d known for only four months and who was thirteen years older than me. He proposed on a Monday; I married him on a Friday. Of course, I had heard the advice to never marry until you’d been with your partner at least a full year and observed them in every season and during every holiday. Our Memorial Day had been great. Ditto Flag Day. The practical peasant within me said, Let’s not waste time. Said, Do you want to have a baby or not? Said, If you marry him, you’ll have health insurance.

This sounds terrible, but it’s the truth. Three years earlier, I’d been engaged to a man I loved but our relationship had fallen apart; two years later, my beloved father died. I felt I had nothing left to lose — except my slim chance of still becoming a mother.

As I made my calculations, I was fairly sure my future husband was making his, too. His ex-wife had recently remarried. If he married a younger woman, it might make it a bit easier to walk around town. But all that aside, he was a clever story-teller, and he made me laugh, and he had lovely hands. In our giddiest moments, we shared the belief that we were “meant.” During our brief courtship, I learned that it was possible to be calculating and at the same time to fall in love. Maybe that was exactly what had happened to my parents and grandparents as they moved toward their own marriages of convenience.

Married, I moved to my husband’s house in rural Missouri and lived with him for one full year. Of my hundreds of nights there, I remember warm Sunday evenings when, after our walk or a drive into town for dessert, I’d linger in the driveway and look at our country sky patched up with stars. Summer nights cluttered with insect noise and the slanting scent of chicken shit had an end-of-the-world texture to them.

You wanted to reinvent marriage, and here’s what you came up with. 

On good nights, this thought made me smile. I was now a sandal-footed, dusty woman who lived near pastures and wore all manner of thrown-together clothing, hair pulled up into odd piles. As a married woman in Missouri, I felt more solidly on latitude with my family’s Calabrian village than with New York or Washington State, where I had lived on my own as a teacher and a writer. What am I meant to learn here?

I had so harshly judged my parents and grandparents for their inability to be happier in marriage. It shamed me now to remember that I used to challenge my mother and grandmother when they felt confined in the role of wife, waiting for permission from the husband. To me, my father and grandfather didn’t seem to even want that much power. Impatient, I’d tell the women, “Why don’t you just do what you feel like doing? And if you think you can’t, just leave him!”

But back then, I knew nothing about the way troubles in marriage move like water—ever shifting—and it’s often not clear if you’re swimming or drowning.

You can’t know this until you’re navigating the rapids of your own married life. Every time my husband and I floated into peaceful waters, I believed fully in our marriage. But, as quickly as we’d married, we got pregnant. One miscarriage. Another. I was bereft, my husband at a loss to help me. He raged, I wept, and every time the undertow caught us, I hated myself for my inability to either improve the marriage or decisively end it. Mostly, I wondered how anyone could work at marriage as hard as I did and still be so bad at it.

How modest our wedding had been, with a slight air of desperation to it, like the wartime weddings I’d heard about in Italy. One of my uncles had had a friend whose wedding shirt had been quickly sewn from the cloth of an American soldier’s parachute.

I’d parachuted myself into marriage as if on a mission, its purpose urgent but unclear, landing myself in a place both mysterious and hauntingly familiar. On those nights of intermittent grace, when the country stars hung over our house just so, I felt proud of my husband and myself, engaged, as it seemed we were, in a noble experiment in the redemptive powers of middle-age love. It’s important for me to remember that our marriage included these times, too.

I’d moved halfway across the country to live with my husband. During recovery from miscarriages and fertility treatments, my job hunt had been slowed. In time, I booked a room in a church where I led private weekly writing workshops, which gave me the chance to spend time with people. I met good people, and making a little money brought me closer to a way of life I recognized. But it wasn’t much money. Since I was 21, I’d had steady income. I had savings, but by fall, they were dwindling, as was my sense of independence. So, when I got an invitation to teach an eight-week course in New York the following winter, I said yes.

Yes, Yes, Yes.

Emboldened by that offer, I made phone calls, mailed letters, and put together a few other gigs. January through March, my husband and I would commute between Missouri and New York City. Lucky for me, my subletter in the city was ready to move out of my apartment, so I was able to step back into my former life. More or less.

That was what I told people. The truth: I hadn’t left Missouri because I had jobs in New York. I’d set up those jobs so I could leave Missouri. So, I could get some distance from my husband. We were separated.

I didn’t use those words—not when I spoke to others or even to myself. We’re working on things, I told my closest friends; and they kindly repeated, Yes, you’re working things out. 

I’d left the house in Missouri on December 4, one year and three months after our wedding and exactly one year after I’d moved in. My New York jobs weren’t scheduled to begin until mid-January, but during Thanksgiving weekend, our arguments had crescendoed until inside myself I became sure of one thing: We can’t raise a child like this. 

We’d been to couples’ therapy and individual therapy; we’d talked to a priest and had tried so many times to talk to each other. But that night, I reached my limit—Should I book a hotel room? How soon can I get to the bank? — and this time I didn’t talk myself down. Instead, I closed my office door, got on the phone, and, in a lowered voice, reserved a U-Haul truck. The phone number was handy. I’d weighed the U-Haul option before.

The next day, I had to wait until my husband left for class, and then it was a race against time to figure out what to pack. Filling suitcases and boxes, I was in constant conversation with Gramma, my mother and her cousins, my great-aunt, all the women who’d raised me.

As I imagined them sitting around a coffee cake from our favorite bakery, I distinctly heard their voices reminding me, Grab a couple towels. And blankets. Just hurry! My plan was to have the truck loaded by the time my husband got home, and then I’d tell him I was leaving now rather than in January.

Or should I leave before he gets home and call him from the road?

I wasn’t sure yet, but I was relying on those women huddled just above me, their voices offering their best wisdom.

What’s she waiting for? She should leave now, before he gets home. Some were timid in marriage, like my mother.

No! She needs to talk to him, he’s her husband. How would that be, him coming home and her gone? No! Others had companionable marriages and were willing to give a guy the benefit of the doubt.

And if he gets angry? You wouldn’t catch me staying there, knowing how he gets. 

But she loves him.

Yeah, well, she’ll get over it. Everybody does.

Their voices were jumbled, so I was uncertain who was urging what, I just knew that, together, they were covering all the bases. Don’t forget the colander!

But he’ll need the colander!

Too bad for him. She needs it, too. Besides, how long before he has somebody else in there cooking for him, some other little dummy?

Hey, she’s no dummy. She just needs to rush and get out of that house.

Don’t worry, dear, it’s all in God’s hands. This could only be Gramma’s voice. We don’t know the future. But yes, you made this decision to go, so now you better hurry up. 

When he got home, my husband was surprised to see the U-Haul with my car attached to the back and to hear my news, but he stayed calm, and I was grateful for that. As we talked, the phone in my office rang twice—I had asked a friend and my brother to check on me around seven-thirty, when I knew my husband would be back home, in case we argued, in case the arguments got worse than ever. None of that happened.

Instead, he prepared a nice dinner for us. I don’t remember if we made love that night or not, but I do know the mood was such that we might have, as strange as it seems. I do remember that we lay on the futon reading, our night-table lights on, our feet touching, commenting on how “not uncomfortable” the futon was—the mattress and box spring I’d brought to the marriage were now loaded onto the truck, thanks to the help of a teenager I’d hired. As my husband and I held hands, I once again wondered if, with some work, we could return to this blessedness and figure out how to live this way permanently. I wanted to believe it. But I knew it was too late.

The next morning, as we said goodbye at the front door, I was the one who raised my voice. “I don’t want to be leaving here.” He hugged me a long time. I could feel how tired we both were. We had tried, and tried. Crying, I climbed into the truck’s cab and drove slowly through the streets of our development and out onto our country road, past the grazing cows and the collapsed barn that had been a destination for our evening walks. I made a left turn onto the two-lane. When I finally reached New York, about a week later—I spent a few days with cousins in Pittsburgh—all I had to worry about was what I should do next.

But I had some ideas. During my days driving that U-Haul caravan, I’d begun to consider my next plans. Three years later, I adopted my baby son.

You may also enjoy reading From Mid-Life Divorce to Empowered Self: A Woman’s Journey to Living Again, by Fiona Eckersley.

The post How I Left: Reflections on My Journey into Marriage…and Out appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Chasing dreams and happiness is not just folly for kids — it’s real and possible for you, if you’re willing to do the inner and outer work

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It started with a simple question: “Mommy, can I give you a goal this year?”

At the time I was working long stressful hours leading a large client relationship for an advertising agency while balancing having two young kids at home during the pandemic. To say I was short on patience and sleep is an understatement, but every day I blocked off time at lunch to take my sons to the park.

It was at the park when my youngest, then five, asked me the question that would change my career and my life. “Mommy, can I give you a goal this year?”

I’ve always been a big goal-setter so the idea of him giving me a goal was exciting. Plus, I was in the process of becoming a Certified Life and Health Coach where goal setting is a crucial first step so I loved goals.  

“Yeah bud, what goal do you want to give me?” I asked.

“Mommy, can you be less angry this year? You’re angry all the time,” he said.

His words felt like a dagger to the chest. They were not at all what I was expecting but they were what I needed to hear. It was at that moment I realized I had been living the life I thought was expected of me, not the life I wanted.

As a child, I had set my definition of success on The Game of Life and I had been busy checking the boxes – go to university, get a well-paying stable job I was good at, get married, buy the house, have kids. 

As great as things looked on paper, something was missing. I had spent years so focused on having a family and climbing the corporate ladder that I no longer knew what made me tick. I’d done things out of necessity, not passion or purpose. When I was burning out at a company from working long hours, and from stress and anxiety, I’d change jobs. I acted how I thought I should act for people to get ahead at work and for people to like me. And I was motivated by external validation – if someone told me I was doing a great job, I felt happy. If not, it fueled me to try harder. 

It was time to chase my happy.

I went from practically never exercising to running three 10 km races and moving my body regularly. I practiced ways to better manage my stress and anxiety so I wouldn’t be so angry. I learned to be more present with my kids and husband (although that is definitely still a work in progress). And I gave myself the permission to chase the silly, secret dreams I’d had in high school of being a keynote speaker and writer – two dreams I’d told myself “weren’t real careers.”

And it worked. 

I may make less money but I have more balance. I’ve changed my definition of success from being about money and titles to passion, purpose and joy. I have the life I envisioned years ago, where I get to walk my kids to and from school, have more autonomy in my work, and do things like public speaking, leadership coaching and writing, which truly light me up in ways better than I ever imagined. I also have the tools to overcome what used to hold me back: things like strategies for how to manage my stress and anxiety, and the habits required to live a more authentic and happier life. 

It took a lot of time, work and patience, with many ups and downs to get here, but it was worth it. Looking back on the process, I’ve gleaned a few pivotal tenets for success to share with you

So, if you are looking to break free and chase your happy, here are some steps you can take:

Uncover what lights you up

If you find yourself feeling stuck or demotivated, perhaps you need a change in your life. Maybe it’s a new job or perhaps it’s having a hobby that sparks some joy. And it doesn’t matter if it sounds silly or stupid – if it’s something you want, and it’s not too far-fetched, then go for it. Dreams are not just for kids.  

If it’s hard to come up with something, think back to when you were younger. What did you dream of doing or learning? What activities did you enjoy? What do you want more of in your life?

And more importantly, how do you want to feel?

Identify what holds you back

Fears, excuses, negative thoughts and bad habits all hold us back from having more of what we want in our lives. Sometimes we know what these things are and sometimes they’re blind spots that need a therapist or coach to tease them out. Regardless of what they are, they need to be identified as they are likely the things standing in the way of where you are now and you living a happier or healthier life.

Things like fear of rejection or being judged. Excuses of not having the knowledge. Believing you’re not ready or good enough. Telling yourself you don’t have the time or money. More often than not, these are stories we make up. Stories we think hold true but in fact are fiction. Stories that need to get out of your head and onto a piece of paper. 

Break Free

The last step to is to give yourself permission to break free and then understand it is up to you and only you when it comes to chasing your dreams or goals. Only you can take full responsibility to do it and then the necessary action steps required. Perhaps you need someone to help hold you accountable or to call you out when one of your fears or excuses pops up…but at the end of the day, no one can do the work for you.

Within breaking free, there are four steps:

1. Declaring what you want – write it down, say it out loud – get it out there into the world. 
2. Write new stories to overcome the fears, excuses, beliefs and bad habits holding you back. 
3. Set your priorities so your time, energy and money align with your goals and what you want. 
4. Go for it! 

Being asked to be less angry was the final push I needed in my life to make some serious changes, but it doesn’t have to take such a monumental moment. You can choose to change things at any time.

And remember that any type of change is messy. And it’s going to feel worse before it feels better. In those moments, you need to remind yourself why the effort is worth it. What will changing do for you or others in your life? 

Think of it like a home renovation. You have a beautiful vision of the end result but the process of renovating a home is messy. It’s expensive. It has unexpected twists and turns. And personal growth is no different. If it was easy or comfortable, we’d all be walking around feeling happy, healthy and fulfilled.

So, what are you waiting for?  Is it time to break free and chase your happy?

— 

If you want to learn more about these steps or breaking free, you can buy Breaking Free on Amazon:

You may also enjoy reading It’s Time to Fly: Facing Our Fears and Letting Go, by Kristen Noel.

The post Chasing Happy: 3 Steps to Life-Long Transformation appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 13 minutes

Is there life after death? If so, what does that mean for how we should live life today? We explore these questions and more in this revealing interview

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At Best Self, we’re always questioning: How can we live more fully? Are we living with purpose? Is there meaning to our journey beyond our physical existence? So when we learned of Susan Grau’s work as an intuitive medium and her gifts culled from near-death experiences (hers and her clients’), we had to have a conversation! I hope this exchange will spark your curiosity, answer a few of your own existential questions, and inspire you to further align yourself in mind, body & spirit.

Susan Grau is an internationally celebrated celebrity intuitive medium, author, soul healer, and speaker. In addition to working as a professional medium and life path intuitive, Susan’s diverse range of certifications include: Reiki Master, Sai Maa Diksha Practitioner, Karuna Practitioner, and Certified CADC II – Addiction Specialist. Additionally, she is a licensed hypnotherapist specializing in past life regression, a respected professional teacher of the metaphysical arts and an honorary member of the Healing Touch Professional Association (HTPA). Susan specializes in grief therapy, guiding people to healing and recovery. Susan’s upcoming book Infinite Life, Infinite Lessons (releasing on July 16, 2024) published by Hay House, is a deep dive into the soul’s journey, offering insights into healing from grief and the afterlife and is now available to preorder on her website and a variety of retailers in the US. Learn more at susangrau.com

Q: The topic of near-death experiences always piques our Best Self interest; after all, as we work in this lifetime to live consciously and grow and learn…is there a further path or greater purpose for us beyond?

My perspective on near-death experiences (NDEs) and their significance in our spiritual journey is deeply informed by both personal experiences and my work with others. I believe that these experiences, along with our intuitive connections, play a crucial role in understanding the greater purpose of our lives.

From my own near-death experience and the insights I’ve gained through my work, I’ve come to see that there is indeed a path and a greater purpose beyond our physical existence. This understanding is not just about acknowledging an afterlife but also about realizing the profound impact our current lives have on our soul’s journey.

Every experience, challenge, and interaction we encounter is an opportunity for growth, learning, and soul expansion.

NDEs often act as a catalyst for this understanding, offering a glimpse into the profound continuity of our consciousness beyond physical life. They can lead to a deeper awareness of our true essence and a greater connection to the Spirit World. However, one does not need to have an NDE to realize this truth. Through intuition, mindfulness, and spiritual practice, we can all tap into this greater understanding and align our lives with a higher purpose.

Ultimately, our journey in this lifetime is about more than just our physical experiences. It’s about the evolution of our soul, the deepening of our understanding, and the expansion of our consciousness. Each of us has a unique path to walk, and through embracing our experiences and learning from them, we can uncover the greater purpose that awaits us beyond.

Q: What have been your own near-death experiences, and how have these and your clients’ experiences shaped your views regarding life after death — and, importantly, how we should live our lives as we know them now?

My near-death experience, which occurred when I was 4 ½ years old, tipping on 5, has been a life-altering point in my journey. My connection with the spirit world offered me a glimpse of the vibrational difference between this world and the afterlife which changed my soul. Later in life I found my calling through my childhood experience; my interactions with clients deeply shaped my views on life after death and the true meaning of our life journey.

The near-death experience opened my eyes to a reality beyond the physical world. It was a powerful event that connected me more deeply with the spiritual realm. This connection wasn’t something new; rather, it enhanced and accelerated the intuitive abilities I was born with. It made me acutely aware of the continuity of our souls and the existence of a realm beyond our physical lives.

Working with clients who have had similar experiences or who are seeking to connect with loved ones who have passed has reinforced this understanding. These experiences underscore the reality that our physical existence is just one aspect of a much larger, more intricate spiritual journey. They remind us that our souls persist beyond physical death and that there’s an interconnectedness between the physical and spiritual realms.

This understanding influences how I believe we should live our lives now. It emphasizes the importance of living with purpose, compassion, and a deeper sense of connection to others and the world around us. It’s about understanding that our actions, thoughts, and emotions have far-reaching implications beyond our immediate perception.

Life is a journey of growth, learning, and soul expansion. Our lessons, both joyful and challenging, are opportunities for us to evolve spiritually. It’s essential to approach life with an open heart and mind, to learn from our negative and positives, and to grow in wisdom and love. The knowledge of life after death brings a sense of peace and purpose, guiding us to live our lives with greater awareness and intention.

Q: What role can energy cleansing and spirituality play in our modern world — how can these ideas help us better understand ourselves an improve our life experience?

In today’s fast-paced and often tumultuous world, the role of energy cleansing and spirituality is more crucial than ever. These practices offer a pathway to deeper self-understanding, inner peace, and a more harmonious life experience.

Energy cleansing, at its core, is about clearing away the mental, emotional, and spiritual clutter that can accumulate in our lives. Just as we regularly clean our physical spaces, it’s equally important to cleanse our inner spaces. This can involve various practices, such as meditation, mindfulness, or even simple deep-breathing exercises. The goal is to release negative energies, thoughts, and emotions that can obstruct our clarity and well-being. In doing so, we create space for positive energy and experiences to flow into our lives.

Spirituality, on the other hand, provides a broader framework for understanding our place in the world. It’s about connecting with something greater than ourselves, whether we define that as a higher power, the universe, or our higher selves. This connection offers guidance, comfort, and a sense of belonging. It encourages us to look beyond the material and superficial aspects of life and to explore the deeper questions of purpose, meaning, and consciousness.

Incorporating energy cleansing and spirituality into our lives can have several tangible benefits. Firstly, it can help reduce stress and anxiety, which are prevalent in our society. By focusing on the present moment and releasing negative energies, we can achieve a state of calm and balance. Secondly, these practices can enhance our self-awareness, leading to better decision-making and more authentic relationships. When we are in tune with our inner selves, we are better equipped to navigate the challenges of life.

Moreover, energy cleansing and spirituality can foster a sense of gratitude and positivity. By focusing on the present and acknowledging the blessings in our lives, we can cultivate a more optimistic outlook. This shift in perspective can lead to improved mental and emotional health, and a greater overall sense of well-being.

Finally, these practices encourage us to live more consciously and intentionally. In a world that often values material success and external achievements, spirituality reminds us of the importance of inner growth and fulfillment. It encourages us to live in alignment with our values and to contribute positively to the world around us.

Q: Please tell us about your ‘Claire Senses’ and how they serve you and your work as a medium…

An essential part of my work as an evidential intuitive medium is called “Claire senses;” it is a term to describe intuitive abilities. These senses are extensions of the regular five senses, allowing me to receive spiritual and intuitive information in various ways.

Firstly, clairvoyance, or “clear seeing,” is a key aspect of my work. It involves the ability to see images or visions, often in my mind’s eye, which convey messages from the spirit world. These visions can be symbolic or literal and might include scenes from the past, present, or potential future events. They provide valuable insights and evidence for those seeking to connect with loved ones who have passed on.

Clairaudience, or “clear hearing,” is another crucial sense. This involves hearing words, phrases, or sounds in a way that’s beyond the physical hearing. These auditory messages can come in the form of a distinct voice or a subtle whisper, often conveying specific information or guidance that I can share with my clients.

Clairsentience, or “clear feeling,” is about feeling the emotions or physical sensations from spirits or from the spiritual realm. This empathic ability helps me sense the personality, emotions, or physical conditions of spirits, providing a deeper understanding of their messages and affirming their presence to their loved ones.

Claircognizance, or “clear knowing,” is where I receive information or knowledge spontaneously, without any logical explanation. It’s as if certain facts or truths are suddenly impressed upon my mind, offering clarity and insight into a situation or a person’s life.

Lastly, clairalience and clairgustance involve smelling or tasting something that isn’t physically present. While less common, these senses can provide specific and often powerful evidence of a spirit’s identity or past experiences. To put the senses in the simplest of terms: I see, I hear, I feel, I know, I smell, and I taste.

These “Claire senses” enable me to bridge the physical and spiritual worlds, providing comfort, closure, and guidance to those who are seeking answers. They are tools that allow me to validate the continuity of life after death and offer healing to those who are grieving. In my practice, I aim to use these senses with integrity and compassion, ensuring that the messages I convey are respectful, accurate, and beneficial to those who seek my guidance. My goal is to help people find peace in the knowledge that their loved ones are still connected to them in spirit, offering support and love from the other side.

Q: You have a new book, Infinite Life, Infinite Lessons; what’s it all about?

My upcoming self-help book Infinite Life, Infinite Lessons: Wisdom from the spirit world on living, dying and the in-between, is for those who seek to understand the spirit world, healing, and gain a deeper understanding of what awaits us all. This book stands as a unique guide to the souls’ wisdom, blending personal narratives, reflective guidance, and practical exercises. It is designed to assist readers in identifying their fears, navigate through personal challenges, and discover their life’s and soul’s purpose.

This book speaks to the deeper questions: How do I survive life’s challenges? What happens after we leave this existence? Is there a world beyond? Where are my loved ones now and will I see them again? And the deepest knowledge of all, we don’t die.

The content of Infinite Life, Infinite Lessons is deeply enriched by my decades of spiritual wisdom as an Intuitive Medium, Soul Healer and Near-Death Experiencer. My own personal struggles with loss and grief add a layer of depth and authenticity to the book. These aspects of my life have not only shaped my journey but also allow me to connect deeply with the experiences of the thousands of clients I have helped heal over the years.

The book’s powerful narrative uniquely addresses the often-misunderstood aspects of the spirit world, providing readers with comfort, understanding, and practical tools for connecting with departed loved ones.

Infinite Life, Infinite Lessons is more than just a book; it’s a compassionate and insightful guide into the afterlife. It’s tailored for individuals grappling with the loss of a loved one, those curious about life’s greater mysteries, individuals interested in near-death experiences, or anyone looking to deepen their spiritual awareness. The book aims to provide clarity, wisdom, and solace to assist readers on their spiritual journey, helping them to find healing and understanding in the process. It’s a testament to the belief that our experiences in this life and our connections to the spiritual realm are deeply intertwined and meaningful, offering lessons and growth opportunities at every turn.

Q: Lastly, what advice would you impart to the mortal beings among us who fear death?

It’s important to acknowledge that fear of death is a natural part of the human experience. It’s often rooted in the unknown — what happens after we die, the thought of being separated from our loved ones, and the fear of what we can’t control. However, my experiences in the afterlife and work as a medium have shown me that death is not an end, but a transition to a different form of existence.

After spending time in the afterlife with the angels, guides and loved ones, I gained a true understanding that our souls continue beyond physical death. This experience was transformative, not just in how I view death, but also in how I approach life. It’s crucial to understand that we are eternal beings on a journey that extends beyond our physical lives. Our time here is just one chapter in a much larger story.

One of the most comforting realizations from my work and life journey is that our connections with loved ones go beyond physical boundaries. The bonds of love and shared experiences are not severed by death.

This understanding can bring a sense of peace and reduce the fear associated with losing those we care about. It helps to know that our loved ones are only a heartbeat away.

Once we gain a clearer understanding that love never dies, fear of death will no longer hold us back from truly living. By accepting that death is a natural part of the cycle of life, we can free ourselves so as to cherish each moment, and make meaningful connections with those around us.

Learning to utilize spiritual practices and intuition can also provide a clearer understanding of the existence beyond. Whether through meditation, prayer, or other forms of spiritual exploration, connecting with our inner selves and the greater consciousness can offer insights and peace regarding the nature of life and death.

In essence, my advice is to view life and death as part of a continuous journey. Embrace the present, cherish your connections, and open your heart to the deeper understanding that we are all part of something much larger than our limiting beliefs. This perspective can transform fear into a sense of peace and purpose.

Q: Thank you for this conversation; please let readers know how they can learn more.

To learn more, I invite you to visit my website, susangrau.com. Here, you can find detailed information about my work, my book, upcoming events, and the various services I offer.

Additionally, Infinite Life, Infinite Lessons is available for pre-order and is set for release on July 16th, 2024. For the latest updates, insights, and engaging content, you can also follow my social media pages at @susangrauofficial. On my platforms, I share personal stories, reflective guidance, answer Q&A’s and provide practical exercises to support your spiritual journey; helping you connect with the spirit world, and achieve a clearer direction of life’s deeper meaning and purpose.

You may also enjoy reading Dying Every Day: Exploring Life and the Near-Death Experience with Reincarnate Buddhist Lama Mingyur Rinpoche, by Peter Occhiogrosso.

The post Life Beyond: A Q&A with Intuitive Medium Susan Grau appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

A profound social gathering attempts to combat the wars born of egos with a collective consciousness of silence and peace

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In Hyderabad, India, from December 29, 2023 to January 13, 2024, a historic and unprecedented event unfolded. Ten thousand people from across the globe participated in an experiment to create peace in the world through silence. Participants hailing from 134 countries gathered in Kanha Shanti ashram to practice Transcendental Meditation (TM) and the advanced TM-Sidhi program. They dedicated themselves to creating peace through the enlivenment of deep silence and coherence in the collective consciousness of the world through their group practice of TM and the advanced TM-Sidhi program, including yogic flying. I was thrilled to be one of them.

During the practice of TM, the mind effortlessly settles down to the state of least excitation of consciousness. This is pure consciousness, the simplest state of human awareness. Pure consciousness is a state of perfect balance, perfect orderliness and inner bliss. Scientific experiments have shown increased harmony between all parts of the brain during the practice. There is also a pronounced reduction of psychological stress factors related to cardiovascular diseases. These positive changes occur as a result of the regular practice of Transcendental Meditation.

During the practice of yogic flying, brainwave coherence is magnified, and this is why large groups practicing yogic flying together can radiate a powerful influence of harmony and coherence into world consciousness.

The beauty of this group of ten thousand people was the incredible level of harmony, happiness and openness they expressed. There was such a family feeling among all the diverse cultures represented on the course.

Upon my arrival in Hyderabad airport, I registered with an Indian man from the ashram. While waiting for the bus to take us to the ashram, I met a lady from Romania who was visiting India for the first time. On the bus, I sat next to a woman from Poland. At the ashram, I met friends from Russia. At the housing desk, there was a man from Netherlands. It was a truly international gathering. There were nearly six thousand participants from India, and four thousand from outside India. They were united by their collective commitment to create world peace. They came to produce a positive transformation in the world.

All wars begin in the minds of men. The only way to permanently stop wars is by transforming the incoherent thought patterns and subsequent build-up of tensions prevailing in the collective consciousness of the world.

Scientific experiments on Transcendental Meditation have shown that when large groups participating in the TM-Sidhi program exceed the square root of one percent of the population, there is a decrease in negative tendencies, such as crime, accidents, and hospital admissions. The practice of the TM and TM-Sidhi program creates harmony and coherence in brain functioning and this effect is amplified when large groups meditate and practice yogic flying together for an extended period of time. The effect of coherence radiates into the collective consciousness of society.

The reason for the gathering of ten thousand people is that the square root of one percent of the world’s population is approximately nine thousand people. When such a large group meditates together, the effect of harmony spreads out into the entire world and reduces disorder, incoherence and negative tendencies. But in order to create a lasting peace, at least one permanent group of ten thousand must be maintained. The aim of the TM organization is to create a number of ten thousand groups to safeguard the security of the world.

The most recent findings in quantum field theory explain that the universe is composed of one field of waves of energy which are constantly interacting with each other with an infinite frequency. Even matter is energy; although appearing to be solid, physical objects are mainly composed of empty space. We can apply this theory and leverage our collective spirit to overcome the greed and corruption…and war…propogated by the egos of a few.

Today, the methods used to alleviate conflicts must become more subtle. We have never succeeded in stopping wars through treaties, organizations or forming alliances. We must adopt a new technology which is more far-reaching and which has no negative side-effects. One that taps onto the infinite energy field of our unity consciousness. War can be prevented by increasing the harmony in the collective consciousness of every nation. Create world peace through silence.

The silence of pure consciousness is a new, and yet ancient technology to create world peace.

Within Vedic literature, in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, it says: 

“In the vicinity of Yogic influence — unifying influence, integrating influence, coherent and harmonious influence — conflicting tendencies do not arise.”  Yog-Sutra, 2.35

This is the Vedic technology of defense. It is the method that prevents conflicts from arising. The world is in urgent need of such a technology today.

You may also enjoy reading Creating a Harmonious World Through a Coherence of Consciousness, by Barbara Ann Briggs.

The post Fighting War with Silence appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Internal balance requires continuous awareness and intention, yet every step toward that end leads to greater love and fulfillment

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Most of us strive to be happy loving people. Our tendency to look outside ourselves to find acceptance, safety, love, and completion can misdirect our energies, and have us searching for the pathway to meaning in our lives in places where it cannot exist. It is so important to understand that we were born with everything we need to be happy and complete people. We simply need to learn how to access our internal power, define it, and use it.

Human beings are physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual beings. True happiness cannot exist until we understand that everything we need, we already have. Becoming balanced internally should be our most important goal. This is where the whole human spirit operates in unison. It is where peace and pure love exist, and where the connection to the spirit inside us, that internal power source, can be realized.

Internal balance is a state where one’s physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual attributes exist in balance, when worldly desires are diminished, and internal peace is realized.

It does not rely on external sources that tend to interfere with internal equilibrium. Its focus is to strengthen you from the inside, that is, to have your physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual attributes operating synergistically, and in balance.

Internal balance is a lifelong process. No one achieves balance in a short period of time. So, here is what you can do to get the process started.

Slow Down

Slow the pace of your life enough so that you can think about what you arere doing. Put as much conscious thought as you can into everything you do.

Reduce the Influence of Your Emotions

Emotions, especially when they interfering with your ability to think clearly, can throw your whole world out of balance. I teach a concept called I over E (intellect over emotion). You want your intellect to have its say first. This aids you in sound decision making, and information gathering. Both are necessary to live life efficiently, and to be happy while you are doing so. Express your emotions after your brain has put everything in perspective.

Purge yourself of unnecessary items in your life

It doesn’t mean you can’t buy a few things or do a few things you want to do. It just means that your primary focus should be on external items you absolutely need. Try not to interpret your desires as needs. When you do, you move away from the internally balanced person you can be, and you are focusing on external items to make you happy.

Brutal Honesty

We all like to be honest, or at least we say we do. However, when that honesty interferes with our desires and our agendas, honesty can take a back seat very quickly. Internal balance demands honesty. In any situation, as soon as we lie, misdirect others, or are not honest with ourselves, we quickly move to a position of internal imbalance.

Now with honesty as a growth ally, you begin gathering the facts (good, bad and ugly) that are related to any situation in your life. The facts always guide you to forge a healthier life, and they will reveal solutions that are efficient and can bring peace into your life.

These processes are the cornerstone of the movement from internal imbalance to internal balance. You can employ them in all life situations.

Additional processes include understanding your life as a journey, living in the moment, aligning with life’s natural flow, embracing change as a path to growth, practicing forgiveness, increasing wisdom by reducing arrogance, warmly resolving conflict, being in service of others, reducing fear and anger, working with gratitude, humility, faith, and pure love — all with the final goal of internal balance.

It is important to understand that internal balance does not suggest a form of ascension. By this, I mean that on a scale of one to ten, your body can be balanced at a two or three, or it can be a seven or eight. That does not matter. There is no destination in the program. You do not arrive, and the work is done. It is a continuous journey where the only goal is that internally, all attributes operate in balance, which paves the way for pure spiritual love. It’s a loving life journey that never ends.

When you achieve internal balance, your world seems complete, external desires are reduced, and you are creating a world that is safe, peaceful, and loving. At that point, you can understand what it means to love yourself, to extend your love outward to other people, and to accept love from them.

Every human being was created with the capacity to be a warm, loving person. Becoming balanced internally creates that pathway to a warm and loving world, and to a true understanding of self-love.

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If you wish to learn more about internal balance and the Process Way of Life, the entire plan is presented in my first book, The Fix Yourself Handbook. Below is my latest book, The Fix Your Depression Handbook.

You may also enjoy reading A Mindful Approach to Restoring Your Balance in Mind, Body and Spirit, by Judy Marano.

The post Internal Balance and the Power Inside You appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

A purge of the possessions held onto for decades clears more than storage units; it frees the mind and heart as well

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When my wife passed away in 2017, I needed to downsize from a house to an apartment. I was too overwhelmed by grief and the complications of life to think clearly about much of anything. So I filled three storage units with everything from furniture to books and clothing. Many memories were locked away when I did this. And I went on with my life.

I knew that there were precious things locked away, but I also knew that much of what I had put in storage was not precious. It had been easier for me at that point in my life to not make tough decisions.

If you also have a storage unit or have had one, you know what I am talking about. But even if you have never had a storage unit, you have faced the same challenges in your own home. We have all found that over time we tend to accumulate a lot of things, and we put off making decisions about what we should keep. We buy new clothes to replace things we have, but then we keep the old clothes “just in case.” In case of what? We can’t answer that question, but we keep the old clothes anyway. And after a few years, we can’t understand why our closets are so full.

I have never defined myself in terms of my possessions, and I suspect that you don’t either. But things do matter; possessions don’t need to define us to be important. At the same time, giving oneself the freedom to grow and change also matters. It comes down to balance, as is the case for so many things in life.

A couple of years after I put things into storage, I couldn’t remember exactly what was there. I could picture some things clearly, but others were locked away in my memory in places I could not access. And years passed. I found love again, married, and began a new life. In doing so, I had no intention of ignoring my past or setting it aside, but by having so many of my possessions in storage, I was living with an unresolved past. I was sheltered, in a way, from the need to achieve a sense of closure — something that would give me the freedom to embrace all parts of my life as a unified whole.

There was another factor. The cost! I was spending almost a thousand dollars a month for my storage units, and the company I rented from raised the prices every few months. That’s a lot of money to spend just to not make decisions. And I began to think of what I could do with an extra thousand dollars a month.

So I finally decided that I had to do it. I had to face the daunting task of going through my storage units. The first thing I did was to invite my two daughters to take anything they wanted for themselves. I still had a few boxes of their things from childhood, and I wanted them to make their own decisions about those things. Beyond that, I told them they were welcome to whatever else was important or useful to them. I was delighted that one of my daughters needed furniture. She was renovating her basement and creating several new rooms, so she was able to take almost all of the furniture that was in storage. It made me feel very good that it had found a new home. And both of my daughters took other things as well.

But the rest was up to me. I set aside three full days for the task. I knew it would be hard work, but I had not prepared myself for how emotional it would be. What I discovered was that every single thing I touched sparked a memory. This didn’t mean that I needed to keep every object. But the memories flooded in.

Going through the storage units was like reliving over forty years of my life — its ups and downs, its triumphs and tragedies.

The things I touched, one by one, were like mystical passageways to so many stages of my life. I could see images from my past. I could hear conversations from years gone by. It took my breath away. At moments, it was so powerful that I had to stop what I was doing and seek out a place to sit over a cup of coffee and reflect.

Here’s an example. I have a strong relationship with books. They have always been important to me, and my home library is not just a place where I keep books of interest; it is a kind of autobiography of my life struggles. Each book represents a piece of me, of how I became who I am. I had already kept a large number of my books out of storage and set up my new library, but I had left in storage hundreds and hundreds more. Each one with a story. Each one capable of unlocking part of myself. I guess I felt that I might need them all again at some point. But as I went through my boxes, I realized that I did not need all these books to be whole. And the memories were not really in the physical books. They were in me. I am what these books and the teachers who helped me read them helped to create.

Somehow I found the strength to throw away many of those books. It was really difficult, but I know it was the right decision. And not just books. I gave some things to charity and discarded others, if they could not be donated. And I saved things as well, of course, but I forced myself to ask each time I picked something up: “Is this truly important? Do you need this? Should you keep it?” When my three days were over, I discovered that I was actually finished. I took one last look at the now empty storage units, and walked on.

And speaking of books, I read my first Agatha Christie novel recently — one of her Miss Marple books. Towards the end of the book, Miss Marple said something that touched me deeply and that seemed as if it had been a reflection of my experience with my storage units. She said, “I learned that one can never go back, that one should not ever try to go back — that the essence of life is going forward.” Thank you, Miss Marple.

As the saying goes, we come into life with nothing, and we leave with nothing. But this does not mean that our lives are nothing. Our lives are important to us, the people we love, and I believe that the thoughts and feelings we have, the people we know, and the way we live is linked to eternity.

Our mortality does not mean we do not matter. In fact, I believe that it is mortality itself that adds urgency and potency to our lives.

And possessions are important, even if they are not everything. A possession can spark a sweet memory and bring back to one’s consciousness images that would otherwise lie dormant in the heart.

But I came to understand that the life I have lived and the memories that I have do not depend on keeping every one of my possessions. Letting go of some of them is poignant but can be positive. Life is about moving forward, and while we don’t need to abandon our past to make that happen, we do need to lighten our load from time to time. Possessions can be life-enhancing, but they can sometimes tempt us to live in the past, rather than just honor the past. We just need to find the balance.

You may also enjoy Heal Your Living: A Q&A with Youheum Son, by Bill Miles.

The post Balancing Act: What I Learned from Letting Go of a Lifetime of Accumulated Possessions appeared first on BEST SELF.

As the saying goes, friends are the family you choose…but if you feel lonely, finding your tribe may require a little preparation and intention

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Although the tinsel, the fairy lights, and the fa-la-la of the holiday season are meant to uplift, December is actually a tough time for many people. One survey found that more than half of Americans in 2022 felt sad and lonely during the holidays, with nearly a quarter citing “poor relationships with family” as the cause. For many years, before I established my chosen family, I struggled with this experience myself, in spite of always having friends. It’s like gazing inside a colorful candy shop, looking at all the people enjoying the treats, but knowing that you simply don’t have the money to afford any of them.

Loneliness in general, not only during the holidays, is a major health epidemic in the US, according to surgeon general Vivek Murthy. Disconnection means profound increased health risks, including heart disease (29%), stroke (32%) , dementia for seniors (50%), and premature death (60%). Not having a place socially goes against the very fabric of our species, and our bodies and souls suffer when we are socially homeless. But it’s not just having people; many Americans have relationships with their families of origin and still feel lonely because they simply don’t feel seen, heard, or accepted.

Chosen family is a way many have taken matters into their own hands and created places of authentic belonging. Chosen family in the LGBTQ community is a cultural tradition stemming from being ostracized because of our identities. Many “houses” still exist from the drag and ballroom scene, where people take on the same last names, live together, share meals and chores, help raise one another’s children, pool resources, and support each other through difficult times.

One example I’m familiar with is the House of LeMay in Burlington, Vermont, the city where I spent most of my young adulthood. Begun in the 1990s by Bob Bolyard and Mike Hayes, the LeMays performed drag, raised funds for the community, and maintained an actual house where many members lived. Although I was only peripherally connected, I have great fondness for the LeMays. They MC’d many Pride celebrations and also hosted different events at Pearl’s, the bar where so much queer activity used to happen back in the day. I felt deeply sad when I learned of Mike Hayes’ passing in March of 2023. The House of LeMay lives on, but it won’t be the same without Mike/Margaurite and his incredible costumes. The LeMays gave their entire community the sense of home, extending far beyond their literal house.

Because chosen family has been such a profoundly positive thing for me, it’s a big theme in my novel, Falling Through the Night. Audrey, the protagonist, does most of the healing and growing up work she needs to do as a young adult with her close friends and partner. She’s not alienated from her family, but it’s her chosen family that provides both the support and the challenge she needs to develop and evolve.

So if chosen family works so well, why isn’t it more prevalent in mainstream American culture? Why all the loneliness?

The problem is, many people who love the idea of chosen family simply haven’t been able to make it happen. Social norms are still so heavily centered around the nuclear family, and it’s not self-evident how one would go about “finding” a found family. So I wanted to offer some tips for those of you who might be interested.

Practice Self Development

Getting to know yourself, your feelings, your needs, and your challenges is a fantastic way to prepare yourself for deeper relationships. It’s like preparing soil in the garden with compost before planting. When you’re in touch with your emotional tender spots and are engaged in understanding them and growing new ways of being with them, you become easier to connect with.

For example, I have a real jealous streak to my personality. It used to be difficult for me to be around friends who were enjoying success in an area I was struggling with. This meant a limitation in my capacity to be present. Then, I would feel guilty and ashamed of my jealousy. In therapy, I explored the jealousy, learned to accept it, talked about it a lot with others (incredible — other people feel jealous too!), and gradually found ways to both attend to my sensitive spots but also enjoy my friends’ successes. If there’s a moment when I’m struggling with a particular area and I am limited around supporting someone else, I find alternative ways of being present and accept my own limits. It’s opened up my capacity for love so much, and interestingly, it doesn’t flare up nearly as much as it used to, before I accepted it fully.

Interact Live

So much of relationship work happens online right now, and although it might feel more convenient, it’s highly limited. When we connect online, through text, email, or video chat, we miss most of the in-person cues and energy exchanges that are integral to human communication. Also, perhaps more relevantly, our in-person skills get rusty, and we begin to actively avoid live conversation.

Work against the trend. Pick up the phone instead of texting. Meet for coffee instead of on Zoom when possible. Challenge yourself to have any kind of difficult exchange live, and notice what’s different. You may feel initially more anxious, but this will become easier over time.

Grow Your Care Skills

Love takes practice! There are many skills involved, including nurturing, listening, celebrating, supporting, asking for and offering help, and more. I was shocked when I learned that a friend who was dealing with a serious illness felt imposed on by my phone calls. She’s an introvert and needed all of her energy to heal; voice mail messages stressed her out. Now, when someone I love is ill or struggling, I reach out by text or email first to ask if the person I’m supporting is up for a call or would prefer some space.

Keeping tabs on people is important. Reaching out and asking how people are makes them know you care and that relationships take initiative. Send a card or a funny cartoon on special

occasions. Yes, email or texting is easier, but it doesn’t mean as much. Drop off a little gift at a friend’s house or put a paperback book or clipping in the mail. Tell your friends what you appreciate about them and what you’re grateful for. Tell them you care about them. Tell them you love them. It takes practice, and might feel cringey at first, but it gets easier.

When a friend is having trouble, learn how to listen non-judgmentally. Don’t give advice unless your friend asks; most people just want to know that the people who love them hear and see them and understand them.

Learn how to be constructive in conflict. It’s a hard thing to do, but it’s possible to learn. If conflict is scary, explore that and own it. Share your journey around conflict with friends instead of shutting up. Don’t try to resolve conflict by text or email. Talk openly in person (or at least over Zoom) to have the advantage of all facets of communication (the most important ones are body language, voice, and energy).

Shift Your Focus from the Individual to the Communal

American culture focuses us on individual and family projects. If we pare down our individual needs to make space for things that benefit the community, we expand our connectedness by investing in the broader world.

Like to garden? Instead of planting one at home, how about joining a community garden? Or see if your local elementary school has one; kids love digging in the dirt. Or maybe the local senior center would appreciate some help with theirs. Instead of learning a language on the

computer by yourself, take an in-person class. Love animals? Instead of adopting, help out someone who can’t afford a dog walker. If music is your thing, join a community band or chorus. Invest in the larger community.

Hang Out with Other Available Folks

I connected with my chosen family in Montreal where I was one of several queer women immigrants. Only one of us had local extended family, so we shared the same need for a place of belonging. For holidays, we didn’t have extended family, so it made sense for us to be together. Immigrants are interesting with a lot to give; I got to learn about Kazakhstan, Australia, Lebanon and Quebec, and all the different cultural traditions, while enjoying the company of my friends.

Other places where people may be looking to create family: singles groups, spiritual communities, interest groups and clubs, and support groups.

Talk About Chosen Family

It’s a vulnerable thing to do, but experiment with verbalizing your desire for chosen family. You won’t necessarily click with everyone you meet who shares the goal, but at least you’ll know who else is looking. And by mentioning it in casual conversation, you’re liable to run into somebody who says, “You know, my friend Sarah has this group she spends holidays with…maybe I can introduce you.” Kind of like dating.

You may also enjoy reading Love Is Found Within: 3 Life Lessons From My Single Life, by Sarah Kelly.

The post Creating Your Chosen Family appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

Despite career success, a high-achiever continues to struggle with unworthiness rooted in early family dynamics

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I have thought a lot about how I went from low self-esteem at age 15 to…well, low self-esteem at age 78. This admittedly does not make the kind of narrative arc that publishers respond to. But however little progress I made in my inner life, my outer life gradually changed. I went from being a school (and summer camp) expellee and juvenile delinquent (with a little police record that I was most proud of) to becoming a successful anthropologist advising President George W. Bush from my perch at Harvard. Why did my inner self not catch up with my climb up the ladder of success? 

There is a scholarly book about sibling birth order called Born to Rebel by Harvard scholar Dr. Frank Sulloway, who himself is a second son like me. I thought this book would serve as a theoretical framework for my memoir: My elder brother, as the first-born, was a defender of the status quo, whereas I, the second son, was born to rebel, to overthrow the unfair system that put my brother first in all matters, starting with being allowed to stay up later than me. 

However, there were too many exceptions to the rule in my family, and those of other families, to make Dr. Sulloway’s book more than an interesting guess at why people with the same genetic endowment and socioeconomic upbringing can as siblings be almost polar opposites of one another.

In the simplest terms, this is what I think happened to me:

I was expelled from the elite Groton School when I was 15. My father had been a great success at the same school and my older brother was a student there at the time of my expulsion. (By the way, I later read that our longest serving president, FDR, considered himself a failure at Groton.)  So, I packed up and went with my family to my father’s new Foreign Service post in Seoul, Korea.

In the weeks and months that followed, my mother took every opportunity to tell me that I was a complete failure.

Never had I done one thing in my life that could be called successful. But hold on: My mother had promised that if I did super-well at Groton, I could transfer to St. Albans, a private day school in Washington (where Al Gore went, so still considered acceptable by my mother.) I had worked very hard my first year at Groton and made the Honor Roll in the belief that my mother would honor her word. It was very difficult to make this elite list (my dad hadn’t), but when I did, my mother told me it would “be a sin to take me out of Groton now that I was so well adjusted.” 

Deceived by my own mother! In fact, I wasn’t well adjusted; I had just been pretending to be an A student, working my way out of boarding school toward freedom. I still missed my gang of juvenile delinquents in Washington called the Sewer Rats.

Anyway, my mother told me my life was over and that I would never achieve anything. A life of failure? I thought, You ain’t seen nothing yet! I went on to continue my life of bad grades and general bad behavior. 

A couple of years later, I was on the verge of flunking out of junior college in California.

One night, while slightly sloshed on cheap Ripple wine, I found myself trying to impress a UC Berkeley girl who made what seemed like a spontaneous comment, “God, you really are stupid,” as if the question of my intelligence was now settled once and for all. Yes, probably my mother was right all long. 

Maybe this girl’s comment was a major inflection point, because I began to clean up my life soon after that. The first step I took was joining a group of volunteers working at a state mental hospital in Napa, California, in no small part because I sought insight into why I felt so alienated from my peers. Meanwhile, my older brother Mark, a Groton graduate and a student in good standing at UC Berkeley, seemed so normal and successful.      

I somehow stumbled into the field of anthropology. Looking back, I can’t think of another field I could have fitted into so well.  A former president of the American Anthropological Association observed about people attracted to anthropology: They tend to loathe authority (check); avoid positions of authority (check); have escapist tendencies and romanticize all things faraway and exotic, along with the belief that emancipation from their own oppressive culture lies in adopting another culture (check). Alienated from their own culture, they just need to find one where they might fit in. 

Thus, I found myself, as a PhD student in cultural anthropology, doing my dissertation field work in the northern Amazon rainforest, with the Maroons of Suriname, descendants of escaped enslaved Africans. I was adopted into a Maroon tribe, almost with more ease than I had fit into boarding school, and given the name Afibiti (the Curious One). My two years of fieldwork in the Suriname rainforest proved to be a wonderful growth experience. I felt accomplished and competent—for about a week. Then I went on the academic job market and was brutally reminded of how much I didn’t know. 

With many bumps along the road, I started to climb the ladder of outward success. I worked and lived in two countries in Africa, and before long, I was consulting in diverse countries around the world.

Yet I knew deep down that I was a fraud; I was not the person people thought I was.

I was the failure my mother had frequently said I was. It was just a matter of time before I would be exposed. This almost happened (or did happen?) when I gave a presentation at Johns Hopkins University for which I was totally unprepared (and which I discuss in painful detail in my memoir, On the Fringe).

I was living in Mozambique at the time, and had been flown to Baltimore for a two-day job interview. I was on the verge of being offered a tenure track position, when the department chairman who was hosting me asked for my Power Point so he could get things set up in the oversized auditorium that awaited me. This was in 1995 and I had heard of power points but I certainly didn’t have one. In fact, I had not been forewarned that I was expected to make a formal presentation to the entire Bloomberg School of Public Health. 

It was a public disaster. 

Yet ten years later, I was a Senior Research Scientist at the Harvard School of Public Health and was testifying in Congress; my field notes from Suriname and multiple countries were archived at the Smithsonian Museum; I had written a number of well-received books and peer-reviewed articles and… well, I guess I had turned into exactly the son my mother had tried to mold me into.

What a pity she died before I was hired by Harvard. And died before Groton school published a six-page interview about my controversial AIDS research.

My research was considered controversial because I observed that starting in at least one country, Uganda, men (in particular) were changing their behavior out of fear of catching the dreaded HIV. They were sticking with one partner, not having casual sex with multiple partners. Partner fidelity went against the orthodox belief that HIV cannot be prevented; we can only reduce the risk, primarily with condoms (this was before effective antiretroviral drugs were invented and soon thereafter, widely distributed—at great financial cost).

I found myself, a proud liberal, joining forces with religious conservatives because I saw clear evidence of sexual behavior change working better in Africa (where we find 70% of all HIV infections) than condoms. During the first year of the PEPFAR AIDS prevention program, the signature program of “compassionate conservatism” of the Bush administration, I gave a speech for the conservative American Evangelical Association showing evidence from Africa that “behavior change” was more effective than condoms in limiting the spread of HIV. My fellow liberals were not very forgiving of my transgression. The condom was, after all, the icon of the Sexual Revolution, which I had been definitely participated in.

But my new-found celebrity, or notoriety, was only because I had fooled the world, I believed. And today, all these years later, I still lack self-confidence.

I would still prefer not to do public speaking, especially if I know the audience is opposed to what I am saying.    

My career has not been exactly standard. I spent some years finding ways to involve African indigenous healers in public health programs. This seemed like a very commonsense thing to do: traditional healers were the de facto primary health care providers for something like 80% of Africans, at least at the time I began designing and promoting what I called collaborative, intersectoral health programs. 

I am quite sure my mother would be proud of me, as would my my dad, about whom I have not said much. He told me once, “I don’t care what you boys do with your lives, just so you are happy.” I said once to an interviewer that “when I discovered anthropology, I guess I stumbled into bliss.”

I sometimes wonder how much more I could have achieved if I had not been held back by feelings of unworthiness. And then I wonder: Was it that very feeling of unworthiness that drove me to prove myself?

You may also enjoy reading The Art of Surrender: Unsubscribe from the Over-Achievement Struggle, by Kate Eckman.

The post Success & Unworthiness: A Lifelong Struggle with Low Self-Confidence appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

A BiSexual woman’s struggle with the purity culture of her youth and her eventual healing from the ensuing confusion and shame

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A dark cloud of shame hovered over me for many years. As thunder roared and rain poured down, I imagined God was angry with me. He threw things in Heaven and cried for everything I did wrong. Because I lost my virginity at fifteen.

When I was eight, I was homeschooled at my church, which was influenced by evangelical theology and rules. Share the Word of God and follow Jesus Christ. Respect your father on Earth and your Father in Heaven. No premarital sex. Only date someone with the intention of marriage. And the list goes on.

I also attended a purity conference with my mom and sisters in those younger years. I had a duty as a young Christian girl to uphold the Word of God, refrain from sex until marriage, and prevent myself from being a temptation to men. 

Fear crashed into my fifteen-year-old body that felt like lightning striking in the sky.

What was supposed to be a deeper connection to my boyfriend ended up with me having a constant knot in my stomach and a thickness in my throat. I had a shortness of breath each time I spoke, and thoughts raced in my head: I’m going to Hell. I’m pregnant. I can never undo this. I will never have this connection with my husband. It’s all my fault.

These thoughts were only exacerbated a few months later as the eight-month relationship ended. I wouldn’t marry the person I lost my virginity to, and I was bound for a life full of sin.

A LIFE OF SIN

When I was seven, I played truth or dare with my friend, who was a girl. Compelled by a dare, we undressed together under the covers. But this was not right—love is between a man and a woman, and God condemned homosexuality. I swallowed the hard lump in my throat and the desire to explore my sexual identity. But I had to obey Jesus, God, and my father. The dark cloud of fear caused me to bury this secret for more than twenty years.

At sixteen, I stopped attending church. After my parents’ divorce, no one from the church community reached out to offer comfort or support. I felt alienated and lost.

Though guilt diffused throughout my body, for the first time in my life, I wanted to step out and understand what I truly believed. 

At eighteen, I kissed my close friend, who was a girl, and it whipped me like a giant wind gust. I wanted to be with her but couldn’t because I still had to bury my secret. I silenced myself, not fully understanding my desires, and not knowing where to go or who to turn to for support. I felt alone, helpless, and guilty about my curiosity. The depression and mental health struggles thickened like dark clouds in a storm.

Through each relationship or sexual interaction, I still felt as if God was crying from above, ashamed of everything I was doing: not attending church, and not honoring Him. I had not fully understood the gravity of all the lessons I was taught and how it held a heaviness in my body. But soon, I was ready for some sunlight.

THE PATH TO HEALING

In college, I learned more about gender, sexuality, and sex education. We explored topics of marriage, family, and cohabitation. As each week passed by and I reevaluated my thinking, the cloud of shame started to clear and dissipate. I wasn’t evil or sinful—exploring sex and sexuality was a normal part of growing up—something I didn’t need to feel guilty about. I practiced self-compassion with myself and rather than repeating racing thoughts, I stayed present and opened my curiosity to trying new things.

Those knots in my stomach slowly started to unravel, and I began to catch my breath. With the freedom to choose new experiences, I found healing through habits like yoga, hiking, and writing, with my writing eventually turning into a memoir: Finding Sunlight.

When my negative thoughts resurfaced several years after college, therapy and support groups — such as sexual health educator Erica Smith’s class, So You Think You’re LGBTQ+? — helped lessen the feelings of shame and guilt again. I wasn’t just a vessel for carrying babies and pleasing my husband. I could be more — I was more. These were steps toward liberation.

With each year that passes by, I spend time exploring myself and discovering how to be more self-compassionate. I know I can reach out to friends who understand, and I choose to look at purity culture from a larger cultural perspective. While I’ll always be healing, growing, and uncovering new parts of me, I now know what it takes to stand tall, return to myself, and weather life’s storms.

You may also enjoy reading Releasing Shame to Claim Your Self-Worth, by Emily Maddil.

The post Surviving Purity Culture: Moving Beyond the Cloud of Shame and Guilt Toward Liberation appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Is being older just a state of mind, or is it something deeper and more complex?

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The other day a friendly person at the store said, “Hello there, young man.” He was just being friendly, but I thanked him and said what I believe to be true: I am getting old. Online, all the time, I see comments and memes about how we are only as old as we think we are or that old age is just a state of mind. But I don’t think so. I think we all really do get old, if we are lucky. But I see it as part of a natural process that should not be denied. In fact, a lot of my happiness comes from embracing my age. I love my age!

We do grow old. Our bodies change. We begin to ache in places that didn’t bother us before. And when we get hurt, it takes us much longer to heal. Children often “bounce back” from injuries quickly, but at my age, I no longer “bounce.” Our ability to think changes too. The joke about older people walking into a room and forgetting why they went there is funny, but it also contains an element of truth.

Yes, aging is real. But we can manage aging. We can make choices and live a life that reduces the most common problems associated with aging. We can’t live forever (and I wouldn’t want to), but we can live longer with a better quality of life. And as I have grown older, I find that life is more precious than I had ever thought it was before. Every moment whispers to me, telling me to cling to it, to treasure it. I went through a very difficult time when my first wife passed away. Now that I am married again and have found new happiness, I want every moment to matter, and I want as much time as I can possibly have with her.

Aging beautifully doesn’t happen by itself.

We can’t just hope that everything will be okay. It requires our sustained attention. We need to care about ourselves, be proactive. And we can’t do it just now and then. We need to plan, act, and follow through every day. If we just give in to the effects of aging, we let it control us, rather than us controlling it. Aging well is not just about having a positive attitude, although being positive is extremely important and can help. It is about making the effort that is needed to keep our bodies, spirits, and minds, healthy and active. It’s like everything else that is truly important: it requires effort.

 I understand that I can’t do everything I did when I was younger. I have been a martial artist since high school. When I look back, I can hardly believe the things I was able to do. Recently, I came across a picture of myself doing a flying side kick over two other students and breaking boards while in the air. I will be turning 72 soon, and I know that flying kicks are a thing of the past.

But rather than feel depressed about losing a capacity that I once had, I have decided to focus on what I can do well and become better at that than I was when I was young. If I can’t do flying kicks anymore, I can focus on other kinds of kicks. As some doors have closed, I have opened others. I am still an active martial artist, and I feel the benefits every day.

I have to admit that when I was young, I didn’t really listen to friends or family who talked about getting older. I should have paid more attention. So now that I am one of those older people, I thought I would offer some insights I have gained with my life experience.

Everyone is different, and there is no set formula for aging well. But I can tell you what I have discovered for myself. Perhaps it will resonate with you. You have probably heard some of these things before, but that doesn’t make them any less important. Sometimes the simple truths are the ones to cherish.

Here are my five keys to living well and living longer.        

1. Be yourself, not your career

Don’t define your younger years in terms of your job. Love your career. Work hard. But remember that you are not your career. Then, as you age and move on from your career, you won’t have an identity crisis. I have friends who feel lost and depressed when they retire. They don’t feel useful anymore. They feel that their lives are over now that their careers are behind them. But retirement can be the best time of your life. We never lose the capacity to make a difference in our own lives, the lives of our family and friends, or to make a difference in our communities.  

2. Nourish your body

Treat your body with respect. We all seem to know in one way or another that our bodies require the proper nourishment to flourish. But many of us go day after day, eating the wrong things. Fast food. Ultra-processed food. Too much sugar, salt. We shouldn’t wait until we have started to develop health problems to “go healthy.” On the other hand, it is never too late to turn over a new leaf, even if we are already older. The moment we begin to eat a healthy diet, our bodies begin to celebrate. And with better health comes the promise of not just a longer life, but a better quality of the life.

3. Get enough rest

Too many of us push ourselves to perform in our jobs, and we starve our bodies of the rest that we need. If we want to age well, we need to take care of ourselves and get the rest that we need. If we fail to let our bodies rest, we weaken our immune systems and put ourselves at risk for any number of ailments which are hard enough for us to handle when we are young. They are even harder for us to take when we get older. But with the proper rest, we can keep ourselves strong. That’s a good thing for us all.

4. Be physically active

This is harder than it seems. We all know that exercise is a good thing, but then we get busy. We tell ourselves that we will just put things off for a day or a week. But life happens and suddenly we discover that it has been a while since we have exercised. It is important to stay consistent. It helps our bodies, and it helps how we feel about life. And we don’t need to go to a dojo or a gym. We can get our exercise in our gardens, walking around our neighborhood, or just doing housework. The most important thing is just to do it! And do it regularly.

5. Be mentally active

Never stop learning. Find things that interest you and then learn more about them, whatever those things might be. My wife and I love to read and to share what we are learning with one another. It is exciting to realize that even when we are older there is so much more to learn — new books to read, new plants to grow, new perspectives on life to explore and to to experience. Talk with friends about what you think is important. Disagree with them! Have fun with learning every day. When we keep learning, we keep looking to the future. Our minds stay alert, and that adds substance, depth, and pleasure to our lives every day.

We are happier and feel more joy every day if we look at ourselves honestly and don’t try to deny the changes taking place in us. Embrace change. Life is defined by change. But most importantly, don’t be passive in the face of change. We can’t stop aging, but we can always manage it better. I am older now, and that’s just fine with me. I enjoyed my younger days, but I don’t want to be my younger self again. I am happy here and now, and I think we all can be.

You may also enjoy reading The Gifts of Aging Mindfully and Consciously, by Gordon Wallace.

The post Loving Life Now: A Survival Guide for Aging…and Actually Enjoying It appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

The ancient teachings of the I Ching can help you access your inner wisdom, thrive in the face of change, and make decisions with confidence

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Change is one of the most challenging aspects of life — whether it’s moving, losing a job, ending a relationship, coping with illness, or facing the loss of a loved one. Most of us have a really hard time with it.

It is understandable to find change stressful since we have an evolutionary bias to resist change and the potential danger associated with it, but there is a powerful tool that can be helpful in managing uncertainty — The I Ching, or the Book of Changes. Rooted in ancient Taoist principles, the I Ching offers not only guidance in handling change but also shows us how to thrive in the face of it.

What is the I Ching?

The I Ching (pronounced “E-Ching”), or the Book of Changes, is an ancient treasure—a book of wisdom and guidance on how to live life fully and nobly, while managing the constant change of life’s ups and downs.

Developed more than three thousand years ago, the I Ching has its roots in Confucian and Taoist philosophy and is the basis for Chinese medicine and feng shui. It explores the fundamental question of how to understand the laws of change and live in harmony with them instead of fighting against them.

The I Ching is a guide to access your inner wisdom, ancestral knowledge and universal truths, when you have questions about what do in your life. It answers the question of how to be your best self in any given situation. How do you stay calm and focused even when things are falling apart around you? How do you handle a tough conversation with your partner? How do you find a career that is fulfilling?

Having Faith in the Power of Change

The central theme of the I Ching is that things are constantly changing. As the Buddhist teachings on impermanence state, we cannot escape the fact that things are always in flux. Just as there is birth, new beginnings, and growth, there is also sickness, and eventually decay and death. Things go well, and then they don’t. This applies to our personal lives, as well as our communities, our countries, and even the planet. Nothing is exempt.

But there is no need to be overwhelmed by change. Just as good times come to an end, so do challenging times.

The I Ching instructs us to come to terms with the truth of change — to have faith when times are difficult and to be generous when things are going well. It teaches us to become more comfortable with uncertainty by providing the guidance to move forward when we are feeling paralyzed with indecision or fear.

We can also learn to be more flexible and adaptable. Through the I Ching, we see that true happiness is not based on external factors. It is dependent on our mindset, our understanding of impermanence and having an open heart. This will enable us to experience joy even when things seem to be falling apart. We learn that we can always be hopeful when we understand the laws of change.

How I Got Started in the I Ching

I was first introduced to the I Ching by a friend when I was at art college in Toronto. He consulted it regularly when he had questions about how to work through issues in his life. I found it intriguing but also a little cryptic.

But then…

A year later my boyfriend came back from an extended work trip and told me that he had fallen in love with another woman. He still loved me, but now he also loved her. I was not prepared to break up, so I became embroiled in this terrible limbo of his indecision until it finally occurred to me to consult the I Ching. Using the coin method (read on to understand), I got Hexagram 23 (Splitting Apart). I was horrified. This was not the answer I wanted to hear, so I threw the coins again. I received Splitting Apart again.

Wow, that got my attention! I knew this was the right thing to do; I had just been too afraid to face it. So, I took the instructions to heart. I found a new apartment and moved out.

That began my deep connection to the wisdom of the I Ching, the wisdom of the ancients, but also my inner wisdom that emerges in the process. Since that fateful day I have consulted the I Ching regularly for guidance on issues — big or small — that arise in my life.

How the I Ching Works

The I Ching is based on sixty-four hexagrams made up of a combination of six straight and broken lines stacked on top of each other in various combinations from bottom to top. The lines are based on the principles of yin and yang—the opposing forces in nature of negative and positive, dark and light, night and day, passive and active, respectively. Broken lines are yin, and straight lines are yang. The sixty-four hexagrams comprise all the possible combinations of yin and yang and encompass all of life’s experiences.

To consult the I Ching you start by forming a question, then throwing coins, sticks, or drawing cards to determine the lines of the hexagram. The resulting hexagram provides guidance on the situation and reveals the truth that may already be present in your unconscious mind. You then contemplate the answer so you can adopt the wisdom of the I Ching in your everyday life.

The I Ching Oracle Card Deck

During the pandemic, I saw a friend, who is an acupuncturist, who uses oracle cards in her healing practice. It occurred to me that it would be great to have an I Ching card deck to be able to consult in the same way.

Traditionally, consulting the I Ching was a complicated and time-consuming process that involved throwing coins or yarrow sticks and referring to a book that contained antiquated and often-opaque language.

Since historically it didn’t really matter what method you used, I wanted to simplify the approach. Just pull a card and quickly receive an answer. No coins to throw. No difficult translations to navigate. That way everyone can benefit from these amazing teachings.

I started looking for an I Ching card deck but found just a few that didn’t inspire me. Then by chance I came across a couple of illustrator/designers who had designed their own Tarot card decks and launched successful Kickstarter fundraising campaigns to get them printed and eventually published. As a graphic artist myself, I realized that my pattern designs would be a perfect way to illustrate the energy of each hexagram card. And that got me on my way to creating, designing and writing.

It was so much fun bringing together my skills as a designer, along with my many years of practicing and teaching meditation, with my love of the I Ching. Over the course of six months, I designed all the patterns, created the deck and wrote the copy and the accompanying booklet. I am excited to share that they are being published by Shambhala Publications in December and are ready for pre-order.

I was inspired to create The I Ching Oracle card deck to make the profound and practical guidance of the I Ching more accessible to people all over the world. In this time of increased anxiety and self-doubt, the transformative wisdom of the I Ching can help you to access your intuitive voice, to find reassurance in turbulent times and to be guided on your best path forward.

You may also enjoy reading Stories In Motion: Oracles for the Modern Seeker, by Colette Baron-Reid.

The post Navigating Uncertainty and Embracing Change with the Wisdom of the I Ching appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

There are so many horrors in the world, we could all use a little pause to ponder our superpowers…and those we’d like to have

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Walking along the ocean’s edge on a cool, sunny morning, I saw the sweetest thing. A little girl, about four years old, in a ruffly pink swimsuit with a matching pink bucket and shovel, was drawing on the sand. She drew her intricate design with her tongue sticking out of her mouth in concentration. She tilted her head as if shifting her view would reveal hidden secrets. To her, it was the Mona Lisa, but I couldn’t figure out what it was supposed to be. Her satisfied smile indicated that she was complete and incredibly proud of her work.

Unfortunately, she picked a terrible place for her masterpiece.

As we all know, the ocean moves up the beach with the tides, and a giant wave was headed directly at her creation. It was like a category-five hurricane headed toward a mobile home community. Only complete devastation would result. But this little powerhouse was not worried. With confidence, she moved in front of her artwork as if to guard it, and with hands stretched in front of her and her palms raised, she screamed, “Stop!!!” And to her surprise and mine, the wave halted inches away from her design before retreating to the sea.

She looked at her hands as a smile of accomplishment spread across her face. She had done it. She stopped the ocean. She had saved her precious creation. I quickly went on my way, as I was sure the next wave would not be so kind, and I didn’t think I could bear her reaction when she discovered that she did not actually have superpowers.

I am often reminded that there is much to learn if I pay attention and accept seemingly random events without judgment.

My observation of the young bathing beauty was no exception. I do not believe in coincidences, so later that day, as I was working with a student, it did not shock me that her essay prompt was, “What is your superpower, and why do you want it? “

With my beach baby and her magic hands on my mind, my student and I explored a litany of superpowers that might be amazing to possess. Her list included things like flying, invisibility, and seeing the future, but she chose the ability to travel anywhere with a snap of her fingers. I was a little disappointed in her choice. Yes, it would save time at the airport, but I hoped she would choose something more transformative. So for the rest of the weekend, I surveyed just about anyone who would indulge me. Maybe someone would have some exciting ideas about a superpower.

Many realists I asked responded, “No one has superpowers, so why bother imagining?” Clearly, these people were too literal to have fun with this fantasy.  However, others became aminated not only by telling me their powers but also, in most cases, enthusiastically acting them out with huge smiles. The answers ranged from fixing stupid to ending suffering; one not so serious and one a solemn vow. The concept of pretending or imagining was not lost on them. I am sure these are the same people who buy lottery tickets and happily spend all the winnings on a house, car, or vacation before the drawing even happens.

We could all use a little “glass-half-full” thinking. That kind of forward-thinking fuels the imagination and spurs positive vibes.  

A brief moment of fantasizing that we possess superpowers that can control the world’s chaos can be satisfying. There are so many horrors, events, and troubles that we cannot control.

So, we need to have the confidence and determination of our little beach girl. For a few moments, she believed she could control the ocean. What do you believe you can do?

Now I know that you are not going to don a red cape, but I think there needs to be an acknowledgment that we are indeed unique and we can, all alone, make a change for someone (or ourselves). If you’re still not convinced that you are super, take stock of the times you received gratitude from others. What did you do to garner those feelings from another? Throughout our lives, we leave our mark on others without ever knowing our impact. It’s time to reflect on our influence on the world. Make a mental note of when someone said, “Thank you,” or “I really needed that.” Before long, you may have a list of examples that will clearly reveal your superpower.

I consider myself a creative, imaginative woman, but I know that the lab-created superpowers of the Justice League are not real. 

I understand that no man can fly on his own, or see the future (or do I?).

But I do believe that we all do have at least one superpower. We just need to adjust our understanding of the definition of a superpower.

Can your hugs make someone feel better? Are you a problem solver? Do you bring people together? Can you communicate in sign language? Perhaps you are a good listener or help others see the positives in an otherwise depressing situation. If you’re a mom, your superpower may be getting through a day with a smile and happy, safe children. Some of these behaviors are learned, and some are just part of who you are. Either way, the feelings or skills make you unique: your superpowers.

After all my ruminations, it was my turn to answer the question. What would I want as my superpower?  The answer came as clearly as if someone had asked me my name. I wanted power to stop the unstoppable. This power would be transformative. Think about it; the implications would be mind-blowing. Cancer cells — stop! Raging floods, not on my watch! Natural disasters — a thing of the past. Death — no more.

So, instead of fretting over the things we cannot control, consider how much better we would feel if we focused on celebrating what we can. Use your superpower often, and you might be surprised by the power you hold.

And about that little girl…I may have had that wrong. If she believes she has a superpower to bend the ocean to her will, who am I to say otherwise?

You may also enjoy reading The Season of Gratitude, by Judy Marano.

The post What’s Your Superpower? (Need a Little Inspiration? Ask a Child) appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Being a woman and being Jewish means being familiar with oppression — add on a third marginalized group and life gets really Interesting

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Martin was soft-spoken and had touched a soft spot in my heart. I didn’t know much about him, but I knew he was mourning the recent death of his mother. I also knew that a physical injury, the reason he sought my services as an occupational therapist, prevented him from seeking solace in his art. And, as a psychotherapist, I knew his work included giving people hope. On this day, I broke the ‘no politics’ rule when I didn’t stop him from venting his frustration with the latest dumpster fire news cycle. I even contributed.

“Imagine how I feel,” I said, “I’m a trifecta—a woman, Jewish, and gay.”

He paused briefly, then said, “Yeah, you’re screwed.”

Conversations with my patients often assume temporary space in my mind; Martin’s words took up residence. They live next to the end-of-year comment my 8th-grade English teacher, Mrs. Katz, said in a voice meant only for me to hear.

It was 1982. The mascot was a bulldog, while a ladybug represented my previous school. As Dorothy said to Toto, I knew I wasn’t in Kansas anymore when three years earlier I arrived by bus to the educational institution filling me with fear long before my first day. The large student population and fighting incidents were no secret. Encountering the wrath of some girls early in this academic tour provided my initial experience of standing in my power while shaking in my shoes.

Having spent six years in an elementary school within walking distance from my house, and two blocks from an Orthodox synagogue, it was as though the balloon had popped.

It was in this insulated environment that my Jewish roots were planted. Most of my school friends were Jewish. I was part of the larger Jewish tribe but not a member of the Orthodox community surrounding me. Observing my neighbors taught me about Judaism—their commitment to attending Shul daily, touching the mezuzah and bringing Torah to their lips, erecting sukkahs on their back porches every fall, and displaying menorahs in their street-facing windows during Chanukah. From my living room picture window, I witnessed their pride and learned fealty.

From Mrs. Katz, I learned to be proud, too. She was an Orthodox woman who seemed better suited to teach in my ladybug grammar school than in the bulldog building of my junior high. It was her inaugural year teaching there and the girls were tough, disrupting her classroom often. One girl started a fire inside the radiator, and another stood shouting, threatening to urinate on the floor if she wasn’t given a bathroom pass. I was afraid. If Mrs. Katz was, she never wavered.

At the end of my middle school tenure, Mrs. Katz, in her long skirt, dark-haired wig, and soft-spoken voice, looked at me and said, “Don’t forget who you are.”

I never saw her again, but I never forgot her words. I held them and heeded them. I am Jewish. The first of my trifecta.

Years later as womanhood replaced adolescence, I acquired the awareness to be mindful of my surroundings, learning to suppress my fear when men catcalled me as I walked by. I learned to look over my shoulder, cross the street when necessary, and hold my keys between my fingers as a potential weapon, hoping it wouldn’t be necessary.

As a mother, I taught my daughter to speak up when she isn’t comfortable and that no means no. I never imagined she would be tested as early as five years old when a boy asked her to lift her dress. She said no and told me about the incident. She was learning the challenge of being a woman before she was out of kindergarten.

By the time my daughter was preparing for her bat mitzvah, I was confronted with another challenge—my first same-sex attraction.

Having planted firm roots with my husband, our children, and our imagined future, I set out to figure out what it all meant—my life. Me.

I sought help; reaching out to my rabbi for therapy resources and traveling to Manhattan in search of a rabbi whom I knew to be both a woman and gay. My earliest supporters were Jewish women. As a guest at Shabbat services in a Manhattan temple that displayed the same American and Israeli flags as my family’s New Jersey suburbia temple, I was mesmerized by a third one housed in this synagogue—a rainbow flag. My attention shifted between the pride banner and the diversity among the congregations’ countless same-sex couples. The Siddur was the same as my temple—threads of familiarity woven into a new, intriguing quilt.

I wrestled with the question: What if I’m gay? What are the ramifications for my family? How do you transition from being one person for forty years to being “suddenly” different?

Imagining my children being confronted with their own life-altering dilemma, I wondered how I’d counsel them. Striving for my children to be proud of their many components—their heritage, their gender, and their sexuality, meant modeling authenticity–even when accompanied by heart-wrenching consequences. Understanding this eased the burden of crossing the threshold of my new sexual orientation. Ultimately, I wanted my kids to be proud of me.

Embracing my newly realized identity, I rode out the personal storm it unleashed. As the dust at home started to settle, a nationwide political storm was stirring, and with it, a rise in antisemitic rhetoric, a spotlight on misogyny accompanied by threats aimed at women’s autonomy, and an increase in violence against the LGBTQ community. My trifecta.

Am I screwed, as my patient Martin suggested? Time will tell, but meanwhile, I’ll heed Mrs. Katz’s words and remember who I am. I am a woman, Jewish, and gay.

You may also enjoy viewing our Gallery, The Kids: A Photographic Study of the Children of Gay Parents, by Gabriela Herman.

The post It’s Complicated: Being a Woman, Jewish, and Gay appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

One man’s journey to reclaiming his life from addiction — and helping others do the same

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“I would not be where I am today had it not been for who I was before.”

Just over 20 years ago, I walked into the Chairman’s office, told him I was an alcoholic, and resigned as CEO of the Nasdaq-listed company I’d been running for ten years. I never drank during or before work, but I was a drunk. I’d been obsessed with mind-altering substances for as long as I could remember. The first of anything always led to the insatiable consumption of more. Although alcohol had never been my first choice, I always knew I’d have it.

One by one, drug after drug took its inevitable toll on me, yet I always somehow was able to summon the willpower to end the deadly affair. Maybe that was because I was only trading one addiction for another, or maybe it was because I’d convinced myself that worst case, I’d always have alcohol. No matter the reason, alcohol became the exception to this rule. With all the power I could muster, I could not stop. There I stood, as surprised to hear my admission out loud as my boss, in a state of utter helplessness and hopelessness.

Within a matter of hours, I was sitting in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Again, I made my admission out loud when I identified myself to the other members. No problem there, or admitting that I was powerless over alcohol. I quickly identified with the speaker who spoke about the despair that comes from not being able to live with it, or without it. “A horrid place to be,” he said. But then came the God-speak, and within minutes of sitting in that stuffy, overcrowded church basement, my mind had convinced me that I was actually not that bad; certainly not as bad as these people. You didn’t need their help. Help was for losers, it reminded me. You, my friend, could do it on your own. Rescued, I was. And relieved.

These are the lies the addicted mind tells, weaving its web of denial and delusion.

The reality is that my mind . . . that mind . . . didn’t care about me. It would rather me dead than know the truth about myself. Sheer, unadulterated arrogance. Protector, indeed: protector of my addiction. Ensuring that I would obsess about the drink and then guaranteeing that I would not stop once I started. A cycle of compulsion and craving that ruled my life, all in the name of escape.

My life after that day in the Chairman’s office was driven by a precarious sobriety and geographic “cure” that eventually led to a relapse. The progression of my return to active addiction was so swift and suicidal, it startled even me. I was trapped once again, a prisoner of the cycle, returned to that same level of despair. Another rock bottom. A deeper one. Fully aware that I could not beat this thing on my own, I was left with two options: drink myself to death or seek help, this time in earnest. Since I would not do the former out of love for my wife and children, that anonymous help could be my only alternative.

I can’t tell you how exactly I was able to walk myself back into an AA meeting, except to say that it was not of my own power.

I remember sitting in that chair, filled with disgust and bitterness, but leaving with a shred of hope. That morsel was enough to bring me to another meeting, and then another. Within days, the obsession to drink had lifted and I was left with a mild feeling of euphoria that swelled over the following months, only to slowly dissipate over the following two years. No, I wasn’t drinking. Yes, I was still going to daily meetings. But neither was enough to assuage the rage, intolerance, and antipathy I’d felt for certain people— feelings I’d contended with for most of my life. I was stark raving sober and wreaking more havoc in sobriety, with untreated alcoholism, than I’d ever done in active addiction. I had hit an emotional rock bottom.

Once again at a turning point, and through no power of my own, the courage was summoned to ask a fellow member to take me through the Twelve Steps as outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. With a wry smile, he replied: “I thought you’d never ask,” and off I went, eager to relieve the despair of my emotional state, but terrified of what lay ahead.

As part of the Twelve Step process, I began to explore in greater detail and depth the moments of my life—the memories and experiences—that I’d carried with me since childhood that seemed to govern my existence . . . emotions, character, personality: how I dealt with life. This process enabled me to see those things that had been holding me back from spiritual growth and peace of mind. Resentment and fear were the two main offenders. These were at the root of my dis-ease. The drinking and the drugs had been only a symptom.

Alcoholics Anonymous changed my life. From the fellowship and meetings to the literature and Twelve Step, I’ve been afforded a spiritual experience in the form of a personality change over time. AA has shown me the truth about who I was and why I was. It has provided me with the tools to live life on life’s terms, not my own. It has shown me the way to sanity and serenity.

Most importantly, it’s taught me how to “pack into the stream life,” rather than suck out of life for personal gain.

Today, I am a useful human being with a desire to help others, particularly those suffering in active addiction or miserable in sobriety. This is why I wrote a novel. The writing I’d done in Step Four of the Twelve Step process served as a starting point. Each entry was fleshed out into a detailed, semi-autobiographical “memory-story” riddled with trauma and conflict. The process was extremely cathartic and as a result I was able to construct a narrative that I hope is not only believable to the reader, but identifiable and instructive. The novel’s focus on trauma and recovery from trauma are applicable to all readers, not just addicts, because dealing with life on life’s terms is not just an addict’s problem—it is a human problem.

Despite all I’ve been through, I wouldn’t change a thing. In fact, I’m grateful for it all, because I would not be where I am today had it not been for who I was before.

You may also enjoy reading Beyond Addiction: How Drug Use Affects Those Around You, by Lynda Arbon.

The post From the Ashes of Addiction: How Alcoholics Anonymous Saved My Life appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Having suffered a series of traumatizing childhood events, the author strives to reframe her life by looking back

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We cannot control all that happens to us, but we can choose how we react to those struggles. I’m inspired to share with others how we can look at life, the glass half-empty or half-full, and find peace in the efforts to become ourselves. I didn’t understand this when I was a young girl living in an orphanage, but there was something in me that pushed me to survive by believing in the positive, riding into the sunrise, not the sunset. That is my story.

[Below is an excerpt from Roberta’s memoir, Framing a Life: Building the Space to Be Me, about the construction and union of both an inner and outer life. Reproduced with permission from She Writes Press.]

In moments of meditative thought, I asked myself whether I defined home or if it was defined for me by childhood circumstances over which I had no control—circumstances that also changed the meaning of family. Did my need for a permanent home control my life choices? These questions challenged me in therapy—a healthy challenge I accepted, though one that didn’t allow me to evade memories of my move at age six to my aunt’s farm after my mother’s death and, a year later, another life-altering move to an orphanage. These are chilling recollections that continued to haunt me in my dreams. 

After my mother’s death, my father took me and my brother to live with his sister, Nora, and her husband, Morris, on their farm in Flanders, New Jersey. He still worked in the city and came “home” to the farm on weekends. I missed him but loved the farm. 

My aunt had a round, warm face, with a smile like the Mona Lisa, making it difficult to know whether she was pleased with me or not. She was much older than my mother and never mentioned her.

I was afraid to speak up, frightened I’d cry. Somehow I knew I had to be strong so as not to upset my father. 

My uncle was tall and a little hunched over, a serious farmer with wrinkled skin from the sun and hard work. He taught me how to feed the chickens and milk the cows, and he called me “Rivka,” my Jewish name. I learned to corral the cows, especially when they wandered into the backyard. Walking them to the pasture, I tolerated more than one poke in my bottom from a bull. I fed the chickens and rode a neighbor’s horse. My nose adjusted to the pungent smells of horse and cow manure. After work, there was play on a swing my dad and uncle made, secured to a large tree overlooking the river that flowed through the grazing land. 

For school, Aunt Nora washed my short hair and dressed me neatly, not in work pants. The first few days, she walked me the brief distance on the country road, holding my hand as my mother had. Her hand had a farmer’s coarseness, different from the softness of my mother’s hand when we walked the Brooklyn streets to kindergarten, me trying to match the pace of her feet, two steps for her one. I imagined I heard the sound of our laughter. 

We passed other houses with farmland, horses, and cows. Sometimes I’d meet kids along the way, and we’d walk together. I smiled at friendly neighbors working outdoors. My brother was too young for school, so he stayed with my aunt. The schoolyard had swings. One day I stood on one, pushed myself higher and higher, and fell. I cried for my mother, but it was my aunt who came to school. I had a bloody bump on my scalp. It healed, leaving a small notch, a permanent reminder of my time on the farm. 

Every morning I looked forward to seeing my aunt comb her long gray hair, which, when taken out of her bun, reached her waist. I watched her in the bathroom, brushing and combing, while next to her sat my uncle’s teeth in a bowl of water on the sink. Sometimes she let me comb her hair. I couldn’t braid it the way she did. I helped her cook, set the table, and learned how to stack the food and sort and pack the shelves in the large, cold pantry off the kitchen.

Like all children, I wanted to help—wanted to be of use—wanted to be loved enough to stay. 

My aunt and uncle had three grown children. We spent time with them when they came home for the holidays, especially for the Jewish Passover, when we held the traditional seder, with prayers, wine, and a table full of food. My uncle narrated the Passover story, of the killing of Hebrews by the Pharaoh in Egypt and how Moses led them out of Egypt to find a permanent home in Israel. I listened to his words and stared at my father’s face across the table, wondering if the farm would be our new home, especially if he moved here permanently. I naïvely believed that God was watching over us now that my mother was gone. 

My cousin Aaron was tall and lean in his Army garb. I had a crush on him, especially when he smiled. I usually babbled a lot with too many questions, but when he spoke to me, I melted into an awkward, shy version of myself, almost forgetting how to talk. His sisters, Effie and Diana, were elegant, even in their garden clothes. I wasn’t shy talking with them, their voices being gentle and smooth like my mother’s. I pictured myself looking like them when I grew up, without my chubby cheeks. 

One day while my aunt and uncle were away, my father and Cousin Diana, whom we called “Nucie,” sat me down close to them in the living room. Their faces were somber, unsmiling. 

Nucie gently held my hands, leaned close to my face, and in a quiet voice shared, “Roberta, Aunt Nora is not well; she’s ill with cancer, like your mother, and will soon die.” 

My body shook. I screamed, “She can’t die! She doesn’t look sick. She’s not in bed like Mommy was.” 

Beautiful, calm Nucie held me tighter. “I know how you feel, my sweet. She’s my mother, and like you, I don’t want to lose her.”

My father finally spoke. With blurry eyes, he tried to control his words. “Honey, you and Freddy won’t be able to live here anymore. Uncle Morris can’t care for you and the farm.” 

I jumped up from the chair, letting go of Nucie’s hands, squealing, “I don’t want to leave! This is our home now. I’m in school and have friends. I can help Uncle Morris with the chores. I’m not afraid of the cows anymore. I milk them and collect the eggs. I can also help clean the house, and . . . and I can take care of Freddy. And, Daddy, when you come on the weekends, you can help too.” 

I barely heard my father speak; my face turned ashen. I screamed inside, How can God be so mean to us—again! 

“Roberta, Uncle Morris is old and not well. He has to sell the farm.” 

I ran from the house, not knowing where to hide or what to do. As quickly as we had arrived, our idyllic year was over. For the second time, the word cancer destroyed my life. 

A few months later, my father moved me and my brother to the Israel Orphan Asylum in Far Rockaway, New York. 

I learned only too well at that tender age that a home could collapse as quickly as a child’s smile could morph into tears.

You may also enjoy reading You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide…from Your Intuition, That Is, by Heather Alice Shea.

The post Becoming Myself: Making Peace with a Traumatic Childhood appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

Whether healing from trauma, anxiety, narcissistic abuse or day-to-day stress — there is freedom and inner peace to be found with EFT Tapping

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Have you ever found fulfillment in any solution outside of yourself? Think back to when you felt angry. Did throwing or yelling help solve the problem? The answer is probably not. It may feel good at the time, but then you feel immediate remorse. Until you can calm your mind, there is no solution at hand. It is because your power and peace are already inside of you. There is a powerful exercise that allows you to do just that: Emotional Freedom Technique aka EFT Tapping. Read on to learn how this deceptively simple technique can help heal the trauma and aid in finding an overall sense of freedom.

My inner peace journey, as is so often the case, started with a major shock. I am a narcissistic abuse survivor, and in all the ten years of that emotionally tortured relationship, I always defended him. Until one day, he shocked me into reality and my courage to stay away and never go back was summoned. He tried to cheat on me with my sister!

In the months after leaving that sexually and emotionally abusive relationship, I experienced Complex PTSD. CPTSD is a condition where you experience some symptoms of PTSD along with some additional symptoms, such as difficulty controlling your emotions, and feeling angry or distrustful towards the world. It can develop after a highly stressful, frightening or distressing event, or after a prolonged traumatic experience such as emotional abuse. Types of events that can lead to PTSD include: serious accidents, verbal manipulation, and/or physical or sexual assault.

I experienced uncontrollable crying fits, body shakes, depression, and feeling like my aura was stretching and contracting like a rubber band. I found myself snapping and yelling in reaction to stressful situations, especially when I had two babies in diapers. And I felt horrible I was yelling at these innocent children, and I just had it with the uncontrollable reactions. I knew I had to fix something. 

I found a practice called EFT Tapping or Emotional Frequency Technique Tapping. And it saved my sanity and my relationship with my new partner and children.

Now I know tapping into your inner strength and healing the trauma from narcissistic abuse can be a daunting challenge. But with EFT you can begin to break free from the pain of any stress or trauma.

For many who have experienced narcissistic abuse, the emotional healing process can be a long, difficult journey. EFT can help you tap into your inner strength and start the journey to break free from the pain and find your inner peace holistically.

“The points that you’re tapping on are the endpoints of the meridians. And the meridians are how energy moves through the body.” ~ Lauren Fonvielle, EFT Tapping Guide [11:52] on S5 Ep 3 Empath and Narcissist podcast

EFT is common in Chinese medicine, and by tapping on the acupressure points, you’re helping to move the stuck negative energy out of your body. I know, you may think that sounds weird, I’m moving energy? But there is a lot of science behind it as well. In addition to that, as you’re tapping on these points, it is actually sending a calming message to the amygdala in the brain.

The amygdala is the part of the brain that responds to fear and controls your fight-or-flight response. And when you are someone that is dealing with chronic pain, chronic stress, overwhelm…that amygdala is constantly firing. And when that is happening, cortisol, the stress hormone, rushes through your body and can lead to negative outbursts.

When you do any mindfulness practice, including EFT, you are connecting with the Universe and that is your bridge over the dark canyon of fear, trauma, and stress. It allows you to gain back your calm, and ultimately your power within.

With EFT Tapping, you can begin to gain perspective and insight into how your feelings and thoughts affect your overall state of mind. By learning how to be mindful of your feelings and thoughts, you can make more informed decisions about your behavior and the best way to manage challenging situations. In the process of using EFT Tapping, you will become more aware of your emotions that arise from past memories and present experiences and begin to view them from a less intense perspective.

The Dalai Lama says about joy in the Mission Joy Documentary: “Everybody seeks happiness, joyfulness, but from outside — from money, from power, from [a] big car, from [a] big house. The ultimate source of [a] happy life, even physical health, [is] inside, not outside.” It’s an inner peace which he taught himself to find. He says he does not get angry — and in response to why he was not angry about being exiled from his Motherland: “Look at situations from all angles and you will become more open.” He sees the event as positive rather than negative.

“Sometimes just saying that thing (fear or anxiety) out loud can be really powerful in beginning to create a shift. Because we think so many of the same negative thoughts each and every day. But a lot of the time those are just thoughts that we aren’t sharing with anybody.” ~ Lauren Fonvielle, EFT Tapping guide [23:52] S5 Ep 3 Empath and Narcissist podcast

And thoughts held in create dis-ease and unfulfilled peace. They ruminate and rot our mindset, and eventually our body.

So, when we take the time to pause and then really say that “thing” out loud, you can start to create distance from it, and then have a perspective shift. You may even think, “Oh my goodness, that feels so silly now. I can’t even believe I thought that that was true.” ~ Lauren Fonvielle, [24:17] S5 Ep 3 Empath and Narcissist podcast

When you practice mindfulness and self-care techniques, such as EFT Tapping, yoga, deep breathing exercises etc., it allows you to let go of the stress and tension built up in your body. This will provide you with more clarity to make better choices in managing difficult situations. It also helps to nurture a state of inner peace that lends to building resilience against manipulative behaviors. I can relate that this can seem impossible when you are under pain and stress. You think…

“Don’t tell me that I can be grateful for this because this really sucks right now.” ~ Raven Scott

“And it does. And that’s the beauty of the EFT tapping — it acknowledges that it sucks right now. It allows you to hold space for yourself and hold yourself with love, which I think is the key.” ~ Lauren Fonvielle, [25:47]S5 Ep 3 Empath and Narcissist podcast

Tapping allows you to move through it and move on from it once you surrender that negative victim narrative.

Chronic Stress negatively affects your body

If you hold in the negative narrative, the chronic stress from trauma, in addition to ruminating on the trauma, can have a negative impact on various systems and functions within the body. This makes it even more important to find ways to manage and reduce stress levels.

One recent study that utilized tapping as a treatment for PTSD in veterans was conducted by Dr. Dawson Church and colleagues. The study was published in the Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease in 2013.

“The results of this study suggest that Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) tapping can be an effective treatment for symptoms of PTSD in veterans. The EFT intervention resulted in a significant decrease in overall PTSD symptoms as well as in individual symptoms of anxiety, depression, and sleep disturbance. The reductions in symptoms were maintained at a 3-month follow-up assessment, indicating the potential for lasting effects with this treatment approach.”
This study provides evidence that EFT tapping can be an effective treatment for and may offer a promising alternative or adjunct to traditional treatments for PTSD.

EFT is considered one of the most effective self-care practices for trauma survivors from veterans to narcissistic abuse survivors. It helps by releasing built-up stress, it stimulates your natural healing process and enhances resilience by calming the mind and regulating emotions. Taking the time to practice EFT regularly will help you to become more grounded and aware of your thoughts, feelings, needs and desires on a deeper level. And as the study shows it is not something you have to do the rest of your life. A 3-month practice can last you for years.

I can personally attest. I practiced it daily for 3 months, five years ago and the stress symptoms of snapping and yelling have not come back.

Now on my healing journey, I have found my path as an author, a role model for fellow survivors, and a podcast producer (Empath and the Narcissist, and Human Design Soul Interpreter). It is wild the places that one small step in your wellness can lead you to!

Don’t wait until your body is screaming to “come home to yourself.” (And if you’re already there, it’s ok too…you can begin to shift it all right now.) There is hope for you to regain your joy, peace and power. And EFT is a potent tool that helps you to do just that.

Practice with Raven

The technique is really simple. Start by rating your stress level on a scale from 0-10 and just make a mental note of it. Then begin: At each point you tap, repeat a phrase listed below (or a version of it that suits you). Once you complete the full cycle, repeat it twice more. And before and after each round, breathe deeply 3 times. After you complete the third cycle, again, rate your stress level on a scale from 0-10 and acknowledge any shift.

Practice with me:

Tap karate chop part of hand rhythmically

Even though I’m anxious and upset, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I’m anxious, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I am anxious, I choose to completely love and accept myself.

Tapping eyebrow point (inside nearest nose)

I’m so upset (repeat saying as many times that feels good, i.e. 3-5 times)

This upset, stress, and worry is so uncomfortable

I’m calm, confident, and relaxed

Tapping Outside of eye

What if the worst happens?

I know this situation isn’t going to last forever

I choose to know everything is going to be ok

Tapping under the eye

What if the worst happens?

I know this situation isn’t going to last forever

I choose to see this moment as safe

Tapping under the nose

What will I do, how will I handle it

Maybe I just need to take a break and vent

I choose to be calm, confident and relaxed

Tapping chin

It’s all up to me and I’m feeling overwhelmed now

Maybe I just need to get relief from all things in life

Calming down now, relaxing my body

Tapping collarbone

I wish I could calm down

This too shall pass

Feels good to take a break feeling calm and relaxed

Tapping under arm below armpit

I’m so worried and I’m anxious

I know I can calm down and I welcome the shift

Calm, confident and relaxed

Tapping top of head

I want to push this away but I can’t

I honor my experience and accept my situation completely

I choose to accept myself and my situation completely. Everything is going to be ok.

Empath Aura shield: Breathe deeply three times

—

Tune into this full episode on Empath and the Narcissist podcast S5Ep3.

Practice pulled from my book Empath and the Narcissist: How to overcome narcissistic abuse, and recover from PTSD, codependency, gaslighting, manipulation.

You may also enjoy the interview Nick Ortner: The Tapping Solution, by Kristen Noel.

The post Trauma & Tapping: The Path to Emotional Healing & Freedom with EFT appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

A courageous woman confronts her past to heal from young trauma that has impacted her life and relationships for decades

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My story of teenage seduction by a teacher is all too common – and no doubt far more than we realize. Whether it is a teacher, coach, family member, priest, or someone else in a position of power, this kind of betrayal and abuse continues to harm lives. Fortunately, the #MeToo movement has brought more awareness to the role of power dynamics in sexual abuse for both girls and women. Still, there is a vulnerability and innocence in young girls (and boys) that makes this betrayal of trust cut deep. In my case, I didn’t realize the harmful impact this ‘loving’ relationship had on me for many years.

My childhood was a lonely one, even though I had loving parents and four siblings. There wasn’t a lot of conversation, interaction, or involvement from any of them in my young life. I know there was love, but it didn’t manifest in attention to or connection with me. In psychological terms, I had ‘insecure attachment’ to my primary caretakers; I felt that I wasn’t important and that my emotional needs did not matter. I learned that invisibility was my rightful place, and I was a quiet and shy child.

In eighth grade, my middle-school English teacher took a liking to me and began treating me differently than my schoolmates. I felt seen and special for the first time. This began a five-year relationship of what felt like trust and love. He told me that ‘love was good’ and that others would not understand our love. Although the sexual attention seemed exciting, and I felt lucky to have him so interested in me, I also felt guilty about the lying and secrecy it required, and I dreaded the sex. My feelings of guilt and shame drove me to unconsciously protect myself and dissociate. Still, for decades I believed that no harm had been done.

As a young adult, I had many relationships with men, but in all of them, there was a way I was not present, not fully open and engaged, even with a loving husband.

I was drawn to relationships with older and sometimes married men; I had an unconscious familiarity with secrecy and deception. This led to struggles in my marriage, and I felt something was deeply wrong with me, but I didn’t know how to be any other way. I did not connect my intimacy issues with my teenage relationship. I also did not connect my childhood of loneliness and detachment from my family as having harmed me — it seemed normal to me.

This is what dissociation, self-deception, and not having parents who helped me feel seen and cared for can do. I had no one I could talk to, so there was nothing to show me that what was happening at the time was harmful.

I began years of therapy, and l learned that the trauma from sexual abuse as a child leads to shutting down or compartmentalizing the emotional parts of us that were hurt. Additionally, when a child’s emotional needs are not met by their caretakers, this too makes it difficult for that adult to access their emotions. Unless addressed, trauma shuts us down emotionally, and our experience and all its associated emotions live in our unconscious. From there, they silently govern our lives.

These factors made it difficult for me to be open and loving in adult relationships. Therapy helped me uncover, dismantle, and rewire those messages of unworthiness that had been hardwired into my psyche from a young age. I learned to re-parent my ‘inner child’ by offering her (myself) the attention, compassion, and loving presence that she never got as a child. Accessing my emotions, feeling empathy, compassion, and connecting with myself and others all came more easily.

It was not just therapy but also the love of my husband and close friends, and the unconditional love I felt for my children, that slowly thawed what was frozen inside, and I emerged more whole.

I returned to meditation, which I had done on and off since college, and immersed myself in Buddhist readings, talks, retreats, and daily practice. I joined a Buddhist practice group called a sangha, a word that means “community.” The teachings of mindfulness and compassion offered rich new territory for me to explore. I slowly softened a lifetime behavior of ignoring my needs, devaluing my worth, and ruminating and catastrophizing over events I cannot control.

As Buddhist practice and meditation became my anchor, I became more connected to myself, more embodied, and developed a broader field of vision. Listening, feeling empathy, compassion, and connecting with people all came more easily when I slowed down enough to be in the present moment. I became a better advocate for myself, knowing I deserve to have my opinions, emotions, and preferences and not erase them before they even have life. I learned there is joy, always available, waiting for me to embrace it.

It is from deep gratitude for my healing that I wrote my memoir, Light in Bandaged Places, and it is my hope that it can benefit others who have touched experiences similar to mine.

You may also enjoy reading Breaking the Cycle: Healing from Complex Trauma, by Laurie B. Timms.

The post Trauma and Betrayal: Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

Even when addiction destroys your life, the power to recover is within you; these 10 principals can help you rebuild your life as they did for me

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Have you ever hit rock bottom and lost everything? Has the reality of what you have been choosing in your life and what it was destroying ever hit you right between the eyes? That’s a big yes for me, but let’s back up a bit.

I started drinking at the age of 14. Born into an emotionally tumultuous home and raised in the rough-and-tumble world of Australian machismo, alcohol was a way to numb everything that I hated about my life and provided an escape from the intensity of the world. Eventually I became a single father and was miserable in a career as a tradesman on the Sunshine Coast. Fast forward a few years, through a series of events, my life got drastically better. I held a senior position in a thriving global organization. I had financial security, enjoyed worldwide travel and adventure, and received accolades and adoration from many.

Even amid a lifestyle that many would envy, there was this feeling of unworthiness. This sense of not being good enough, not belonging anywhere, started very early on because I had the point of view that I was less than everyone around me. I concluded that if I showed up as who I actually am, nobody would like me, so I spent a whole lot of time trying to create an image of myself that matched how I thought people should see me. When they started to see me as the image I had created, which led to fame and everyone praising and talking about me, that incessant, insidious feeling of not being good enough did not go away. There was a nagging sense that I was an imposter and only loved for the man I pretended to be.

Re-enter that good ol’ numbing, avoiding, escaping ‘friend’ — alcohol. It didn’t take long for my relationship with alcohol to ruin my career, destroy my closest relationships, and create public humiliation.

Hitting rock bottom was a serious wake-up call and I knew that the future I was going to live depended solely on me.

What was I going to choose? Was I going to stay at rock bottom and spend the rest of my days with a bottle in my hand? Was I going to jump back in and try and reconstruct an image so I could continue to hide from my past and the constant state of judging myself and feeling less than? Or was I going to choose something different? I knew that if I wanted a different outcome, I had to make a different choice, so I landed different.

No more focus on image, it was time for vulnerability, time to strip myself bare and face my true self. Walking this path of sobriety has not been easy and yet each day I’m finding a strength and seeing sobriety as a gift and a rediscovery of me. Perhaps you can see yourself somewhere in my story. The facts may not be the same, but the substance might be.

If you have struggled with addiction of one kind or another, have hit rock bottom at some time in your life or maybe even find yourself there now, it is never too late to choose something different for your life and your future.

Rising from the ashes is a choice that each of us can make. Having walked this path, if my struggle, humiliation and ultimately the things I have learned along the way can contribute to even one of you, I am grateful.

Here are 10 things I have learned that literally have changed my entire life, along this path of sobriety.

1. You Are Not Wrong

When someone struggles with addiction, underneath there is strong self-judgment. An important first step in recovery is recognizing that you are not wrong. If you have felt wrong your entire life, would you take a moment and let that in? You are not wrong. You may have made some choices that were unkind to you and others, your addiction may have created a lot of crap in your life, but that does not mean that you as a person are fundamentally flawed — and getting rid of that nagging sense of wrongness is an important part of moving forward.

A great question that you can ask if you are stuck in judging yourself is one that I learned from Access Consciousness, “What’s right about me that I am not getting?” This question disrupts the negative thought patterns of what you have decided is wrong with you. Now, what gratitude can you have for you?

2. You Have the Strength to Get Through This

Addiction makes you believe there is something stronger than you. That something outside of you has a greater power than you and if you believe this lie you will stay stuck in addiction. Please get this! You DO have the strength you need to get through. Some days you may have to reach down deep to find it, but it is there.

Is there a person in your life that encourages you when you need it? Reminds you that you’ve got this when you aren’t sure you do? When you start to question whether you have what it takes, reach out to someone who has your back. If you don’t have a person like that, ask the Universe, God or whatever angels you have in your court for one to show up! Might sound simple, but ‘ask and receive’ works in weird and surprising ways.

3. Choose Kindness for YOU and your Body

Rising from the ashes does not come from being hard on yourself. Yes, there is work to do. Yes, there are uncomfortable things to face. And choosing kindness for you and your body creates a space where it is easier to let things go.

The next time you get stressed or something shows up that you wish to avoid, and you feel that pull to reach for the bottle or some other form of distraction, pause, take a moment and ask, “What could I do right now that would be kind and nurturing to me?”

4. Move Your Body

Sitting at home in isolation creates the perfect environment to drink. Get up and get out! Move your body. Go to the ocean or someplace in nature. Work out. Run. From the beginning of my commitment to sobriety, I have tried many different things to connect myself to my body and to be present. One of those things was taking Latin dancing lessons. This required me to get out of isolation, move my body and learn something new.

5. Take an Honest Look at Yourself

Alcoholics Anonymous calls it a personal inventory and this one takes some courage. We can be very good at lying to ourselves, to have excuses to keep our addiction going. I personally had to look at where I was not kind to myself or others, where I had decided I was too different or wrong to expose myself, where I had lied — and rather than avoiding all these things, I owned what was true and asked myself, “What would I like to choose now?”

Addiction gives us an escape from the things we wish to avoid, but what we avoid we are stuck with. On the other hand, when we are present with those things, no matter how painful or ugly, then those things begin to lose their hold on us. No matter how difficult your past, it does not define you. You ALWAYS have a different choice and what you choose now creates your future.

6. Let Go of Blame

When you dive into being honest with yourself about the things that are tripping you up, it can be easy to go into blaming others. There is a line in a song by Noah Kahan, “I’m still angry at my parents for what their parents did to them.” That about sums it up. Recognize that most people do the best they can with the tools they have at the time. And, most of all, whether it is abuse, someone not liking you, someone misunderstanding you or any other difficult thing, IT IS NOT PERSONAL. It actually has nothing to do with you. You’ll discover much freedom when you get this!

7. Regain People’s Trust — Including YOU!

Addiction inevitably leads to damaged relationships and one of the 12 steps is to make amends where possible. Making amends and regaining trust starts with you. Where have you been unkind to you? What have you decided is wrong with you that isn’t? You are a gift. You are unlike anyone else on the planet and that doesn’t make you wrong, it makes you phenomenal. Ask, “How can I have my own back? How can I trust myself?”

From there, have a look at the relationships that you would like to rebuild based on trust. It will take some time. Reach out and apologize where you can. Ask, “What can I do to make up for the damage done?”

8. Like Yourself

For the first time ever, I am starting to like myself. I’m not the piece of shit that I thought I was. Ironically, I was on stage facilitating people to be as great as they are, and to see themselves as the gift they are — then I would get off stage and didn’t believe it was possible for me to have that for my own life. I didn’t see the value of myself. Addiction is the lie you use to eliminate the gift of you.

How much time and energy do you put into what people think about you? Wanting them to like you? To have high regard for you? What if you let that go and made liking you the priority?

The next time someone is upset with you or judging you in a negative way, what if rather than needing to change their mind or agreeing with their point of view or fighting against it, you took a moment, got present with yourself and chose to be vulnerable instead?

Vulnerable does not mean doormat. Rather, vulnerability is, “I like me, and I have nothing to prove or defend or fight. I simply get to be.” Learning to like you may not happen overnight. That is ok. Be gentle with yourself and keep going.

9. Rediscover Your Gifts

In the process of cleaning out the baggage that you have likely been carrying around for a long time, you will discover that there is room to add new things into your life. What are you good at that you may have stopped doing? Where are you creative?

Dust off that old guitar that hasn’t been picked up in forever. Pull out those hiking shoes shoved in the back of the closet. Bring out the cookbook you used to try new recipes from. Whatever it is for you, do it! Life is meant to be enjoyed and one of the gifts of sobriety is recognizing that alcohol or other substances are no longer required because you no longer need to escape. Now you get to live!

10. Inspire Others

Whether you know it or not, when you commit to changing your life, when you choose to be vulnerable with yourself and others, when you face the hard stuff and keep going, you become an inspiration to others. Most people facing addiction believe they are alone. Your choices for you and your life demonstrates to others who are struggling that they are not alone. You inspire and offer strength. Someone recently texted me to say she was going to jump off a balcony, as she felt hopeless, but then she saw one of my videos on social media and she decided to choose differently.

YOU make this kind of difference too! When you choose more for you, we all benefit.

If something has control over you, whether it be alcohol or any other form of addiction, ask yourself, “Is this working for me, or would I like something different?” If you would like something different, it IS possible. Recognize that this has control over you and is unmanageable in this moment, AND you have a choice. No matter how insurmountable recovery may seem, you can get there, and your choice creates the way.

There have been many times during my journey of sobriety that I wanted to quit. If that occurs or if something comes up, you feel stressed and have an overwhelming impulse to reach for a drink, stop and take a moment. Be present with what is easier to avoid and ask, “What would actually be nurturing for me right now?” and do that.

Whatever you are addicted to is not stronger than you. You’ve got this. And, in the words of Emily McIntire in the book Hooked, “Just remember that whenever things feel bleak, all situations are temporary. It’s not your circumstance that determines your worth, it’s how you rise from the ashes after everything burns.”

You may also enjoy reading Learning from Addiction: Unexpected Costs and Long-Term Effects, by Trevor McDonald.

The post Rising from the Ashes: 10 Things I’ve Learned in my Journey to Sobriety appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

We may be familiar with the idea of karma on a personal level, but what about in the context of a larger community? What then becomes our objective?

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Karma is the eternal law of cause and effect. It teaches that for every action you take, there is an eventual and inescapable effect to that action. Karma is generated with every thought, word, act, and deed. It can reach into any aspect of life. You can have karma related to family, money, health, and relationships. Karma works on a collective level, too. Collective karma means a group of people sharing the same karma. There is the collective karma of race, of nations, and there is the collective karma of the world.

Collective karma is part of life because this is how we learn to work together in an organized and productive way. It’s people working together who produce civilizations with their various cultures and societies. All the great achievements of humanity are the result of cooperative efforts. Some of our brightest moments have occurred on a collective level and some of our darkest as well.

The laws of karma work the same way for groups as they do for individu­als. If a group initiates a destructive action, it will pay the price. If it generates a positive action, it will bear the fruit. The difference is the group is its own self-sustaining entity. Individuals add or subtract to the welfare of the organi­zation, but it is the group itself that bears the karmic mark. In other words, if a leader of a nation initiates an action that is detrimental to the country, the country as a whole will bear the burden of that leader’s actions.

A great irony of collective karma, especially when we speak of nations, is that the full effects are often felt generations later by people who had little or no connection to the people who started the karma to begin with!

This has caused confusion as to how God works out divine justice. On an individual level, if you create bad karma, it comes back to you, not to those around you. But if the government of a nation initiates a destructive act, the country will often not feel the karmic effects until later generations.

If there’s one thing that the laws of karma demonstrate, it is that there’s alwaysjustice, even in what too often appears to be an unjust world. There are many times when we are caught up in events that are beyond our control. Governments enact laws we must abide, even when we do not agree with them. Compa­nies make decisions that can make work life for employees difficult. Even with families, parents may make decisions that work against the welfare of their children, yet the children have little choice but to go along. In all these scenarios, how does karma work when the welfare of many people is involved?

Karma is a harmonizing law. It’s trying to keep life in balance. If something goes out of balance, the karmic condition is the opportunity to turn things right-side up.

So when faced with karma, you want to ask, “What is the lesson?”  

Before blaming others and society, first examine your motivations and discontents. Take responsibility for your successes and failures without blaming others. Once you understand your own motives, your search for truth becomes easier because you are more objective.

In dealing with collective karma, do your best to set a good example. Regard­less of what the group is doing, live up to the best of your own moral integ­rity. Be active in your community. The decisions that affect cultures and nations affect us all, and we have a part to play in that process. No one is insignificant or unimportant when it comes to collec­tive karma. There will be times when you will see inequities and injustice. Do what you can to rectify these situations, but don’t jump to conclusions. Do your best to understand the situation from different points of view. It’s too easy to get caught up in the passion of the moment. Understand that sometimes there are greater forces at work. If you can change things for the better, do so. If not, leave things in the hands of the Divine.

In contributing to positive collective karma, the ancient Athenian oath said it best:

Ultimately, karmic conditions are teachers to make us better as people and to make civilization better.

When karmic trials show up, it is more important than ever to hold strong to your highest ideals. Refuse to give into despair or discouragement. Remember that you are playing a part in the collective good. Your participation matters. You are already spiritually equipped to reach your potential and play your part in society. But you must exercise and develop that potential. Despite challenging times, civilization is progressing. There are brighter days ahead for us all and for our children.

You may also enjoy reading Emergence of a New World Order by Barbara Ann Briggs.

The post Collective Karma: What Is It and How Can We Work With It to Contribute to a Better World? appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Practicing gratitude is a simple and powerful means to enhance your wellbeing and happiness, regardless of your circumstances

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Expressing gratitude is at the top of nearly every self-help and happiness authors’ lists of practices for wellbeing. One of the most powerful habits you can develop is to be grateful and express your gratitude. If you’re like me, you might often find yourself regretting you didn’t tell someone you appreciated something they did on your behalf. If you want to be the best version of yourself, start cultivating a grateful mindset.

The Benefits of Gratitude

There are many research-based benefits of practicing gratitude:

1. Boosts happiness
2. Enhances life satisfaction
3. Increases positive emotions
4. Fosters kindness
5. Promotes altruistic behavior
6. Strengthens relationships
7. Heightens feelings of connectedness
8. Improves sleep quality
9. Tempers negativity
10. Reduces stress
11. Lessens anxiety
12. Decreases depression

A recent study identified that of our many positive character traits, gratitude is the single best predictor of emotional wellbeing and quality relationships.

Intentionally acknowledging things you are grateful for not only leads to experiencing more positive emotions but also longer-lasting positive emotions because it increases serotonin and dopamine. When you note things you are grateful for, it shifts your focus and energy to the positive aspects of your life.

Feeling and expressing gratitude is also a potent antidote to negative emotions. Not only does expressing gratitude decrease anxiety and depression, it can act as a buffer against stress and negativity. David Hamilton in his book, Why Kindness is Good For You, reports that gratitude can make you as much as 25 percent happier.

Ways to Practice Gratitude

Gratitude only boosts your happiness and wellbeing if you turn it into a conscious and regular practice. Gratitude needs to be practiced deliberately and consistently to take hold. Research shows that only 52 percent of women and 44 percent of men express gratitude to others on a regular basis.

To reap all the benefits, you have to be persistent about counting your blessings and expressing your gratitude. If you want to bring more happiness into your life, add a few practices to your daily routine.

Being grateful has three components:

1. First comes the noticing, just being aware of all those little things that can so easily go unnoticed.
2. Next you need to actually experience the feeling of appreciation.
3. Then you have to express your gratitude in thoughts, words, and deeds.

Gratitude practices are uncomplicated, easy to implement and quick to complete, yet they can have a significant impact. Some simple and evidenced-based practices include:

• Counting your blessings
• Reflecting on the good that comes your way
• Writing letters and notes of thanks
• Keeping a gratitude journal
• Setting a gratitude ritual or intention

When you count your blessings, it primes you to notice the things in your life that are going right rather than wrong, where our attention frequently wants to go. By listing the things you are grateful for, it helps you realize that there are plenty of good things about your life. When you become more attuned to life’s little blessings you can engage in them more fully, both in the moment, and later when reminiscing or sharing these experiences.

Writing letters and sending notes of thanks not only brings joy to the receiver, it makes you feel happy. Try writing a letter to someone who has been kind to you, but whom you have never thanked, explaining why you feel grateful for what he or she did or said.  

Keeping a gratitude journal is one of the most effective ways to practice gratitude, but it’s not for everyone. If you’re not quite ready to embark on journaling your feelings but want to get started with a gratitude practice, an easy way is to establish a simple daily ritual. Your last waking moments are an ideal time.

Establish a Nightly Gratitude Ritual

Doing a nightly gratitude ritual will help you offset any accumulated negativity — and help you get a better sleep. Here are some to try.

• Each night before bed try to think of something new you are grateful for that you’ve never given thanks for before.
• At the end of your day make a mental list of everything that went right today.
• Compile an “I did it” list at the end of the day instead of the usual “to do” list and appreciate yourself for all you do in a day.
• Recount your day by remembering all the little acts of kindness anyone did for you and feel grateful for the kindnesses you received.
• Mentally scan your day and identify the one accomplishment you are most proud of and be grateful you were able to get it done.

Set a Daily Gratitude Intention

Another simple practice is setting an intention for the day. When you set an intentions it kindles an awareness you carry with you from morning to evening. Setting a daily intention is a way to purposefully cultivate being grateful. Here are some examples.

• Designate a “gratitude day” where you try to notice every little  thing you can be appreciative of, including telling others what you appreciate about them.
• For a day, tell others what you appreciate about them.
• Choose one person to be the object of your gratitude practice for the day.
• Spend a day expressing gratitude for any small thing someone does to make your day a little sweeter.
• Pick a day to include some expression of gratitude in the emails or texts (or both) which you initiate.

You may also enjoy reading Morning and Evening Rituals to Enhance Mindfulness & Positivity, by Barbara Bloom.

The post The Power of Gratitude: How Practicing Gratitude Enriches Your Life and Tips for Getting Started appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

An exploration of childhood trauma and a yogic practice for healing

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How did I find myself in my bathroom naked, covered in egg yolk, banging on a drum, screaming and shouting at the top of my lungs? I had just cracked a raw egg over my head. And I had never felt so powerful and fierce. As I stared at myself in the mirror, I saw clarity and resolve in my eyes. I felt free. I knew I had released a power in me that was ancient.

Years of doing spiritual practices led me to this point of self-initiation that marked the moment I resolved to take back my power. It was a ritual, a reclaiming of a part of me that I had forgotten. The power of my deepest Self was waiting to be revealed, renewed, and nurtured.

The face looking back at me in the mirror wasn’t much different from that of the eleven-year-old who had stood in the junior high school bathroom in Huntington, New York, several decades earlier covered in broken eggshells, streaks of bright-yellow yolk dried against my dark brown skin. Three girls had just attacked me on the school bus. They didn’t like the way I wore my hair, the way I spoke, or the way I dressed. They didn’t like anything about me. And they had been diligent in making sure that I knew it every day of the school year.

From the first day I put on my first pair of thick eyeglasses in the third grade, I had been bullied.

I became used to the name-calling— “Olive Oyl,” “Four-Eyes,” “Ugly,” “Stick Figure”—but there was something different about these girls. They wanted to physically hurt me.

The day before what I’ll refer to as the “egg incident,” one of the girls watched me walk onto the school bus, turned toward me, and said loudly enough for everyone to hear, “Why do you wear your hair like that? It’s ugly!” She was mocking my natural hair that was awkwardly styled in an afro that had been locked in curlers the night before.

As I gathered my things to get off at my bus stop, there was a lot of whispering and snickering. I had a foreboding feeling in the pit in my stomach that something terrible was about to happen; they were planning to do something to me, and I heard a voice say, “Watch out for them.”

The next day I thought about trying to get out of going to school, but I knew I would only be putting off the inevitable. So I got myself ready. As I walked the half block to the bus stop, I felt like I was watching myself in a movie, getting ready to walk the plank. Every step was in slow motion and terrifying as I imagined what they might be planning. I wondered if this would be the “sticks and stones” that I had long feared.

As the bus arrived, the creaky doors opened like the mouth of a shark waiting to swallow me. I climbed the steps and noticed that the three girls who usually sat at the back of the bus were up front that day. They all smiled strangely at me, as if to say, It’s alright, don’t worry. But my nervous system knew better, and my heart began to race. I braced myself as I noticed the only open place to sit—one seat behind them. The whole bus seemed to be in on whatever was about to happen. Even my friends wouldn’t make eye contact.

Then it happened. They jumped me, attacking me—one from behind and the other two from the top, smashing raw eggs into my hair as they cackled and called me names.

No one on the bus did anything, not even the driver. I saw the driver look back, but he just kept going. I tried to protect myself from their blows to the head and face, hoping to keep my glasses from being broken. When I finally managed to kick the biggest girl off me, I hit her in the head. She looked surprised and then returned to her seat. It was over. I was covered in raw eggs, and they seemed satisfied with the job they had done.

When we arrived at school, I made my way to the nearest bathroom. There I was, one of the youngest seventh graders in the school, standing in the bathroom feeling humiliated and shamed. I had never experienced this kind of public embarrassment before. I still had to make it to my homeroom class. In my imagination, everyone in the entire school had now heard what had happened and was waiting to laugh at me in the big, circular lobby where they hung out before homeroom.

I needed a plan. At the time, my mother was studying Egyptology, and I had been reading her books on the subject. I decided that I would pretend I was Cleopatra, dressed in her finest jewels and robes. I cleaned as much of the egg off as I could; I walked out of the bathroom and down the hall toward my class. I held my head high, shoulders back and chest lifted, as if I was walking through my kingdom. I was Cleopatra. I kept my gaze forward, not looking at anyone. I could feel the stares and snickers, but I ignored them and managed to make it to my class.

During homeroom, I was called to the principal’s office. To my surprise, the bus driver had reported the incident, and the principal wanted to know which girls had jumped me. I wouldn’t tell. I needed to keep my mouth shut and not risk another attack for telling on them.

The egg incident changed me.

I started sitting in the back of the class. I stopped wearing my glasses, even though I couldn’t see the board to take notes. I started turning in my homework late or not doing it at all. I was dropped from Honors English and was barely passing French—my two favorite subjects. I gave up playing the clarinet and violin. I stopped being the little girl who loved to learn and excel in school. I was shrinking. And most disturbingly, I started obsessively pulling out my hair, an anxiety condition known as trichotillomania that was misdiagnosed as an infection of hair follicles. The misdiagnosis allowed me to hide my hair pulling for years.

The events of that day were traumatic and had a ripple effect throughout my life that I didn’t understand until I began to practice and study the teachings of yoga. Yoga began to slow me down enough to understand that my life decades later was very much being informed by the pain of the past. The egg incident created what is known in yogic teachings as a samskara, an impression or imprint.[1] Everything we experience in life creates an imprint; in the journey of remembering our true nature, this is a concept we should explore and understand.

A Yogic Practice for Healing

INTENTIONAL PAUSE: CONNECT TO YOUR BREATH

Take a moment of intentional pause. If it’s comfortable, close your eyes or soften your gaze. Place your hands on your belly. Welcome three deep belly breaths—in through your nose, out through your mouth with an audible sigh. Then receive three deep breaths in through your nose and out through your nose. Feel your belly rise and fall as you breathe in and out.

Maybe in your life you’ve had a moment like mine—a demarcation moment, when something shifted within you because of an impactful emotional experience. It could be a moment of great joy and pride or a moment of deep sadness, fear, or discomfort. Life is a ceaseless flow of impressions and sometimes they can be challenging to navigate. If you have experienced trauma, it may be helpful to discuss your insights and feelings with a trusted therapist as you explore the next practice.

SELF-REFLECTION PRACTICE: TIMELINE REWIND—TRACING THE IMPRESSIONS

(10 minutes)

We will begin this practice by exploring the remembrance of peacefulness as an impression. Practice this contemplation sitting up in your preferred meditation shape.

Close your eyes if that is available to you; if not, keep your eyes slightly open and lower your gaze to the floor. Begin by gently bringing awareness to your breath. Notice your breath as it enters your nostrils; be aware of the cool temperature of your breath. As your breath leaves your nostrils, notice your breath is warmer. Repeat for three breaths, aware of the flow and temperature of your breath with each inhale and exhale.

Feel your belly expanding as you inhale and contracting as you exhale. Allow your chest to become still. Sense that all of your breath moves into your belly as the chest becomes still. For ten breaths, continue to feel your navel rise and fall. Allow your breath to be effortless, smooth, and even—that is, inhalation and the exhalation of equal length. This is 1:1 ratio breathing. For example, inhale for four counts and exhale for four counts. Feel into the space your body occupies from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Feel as though your whole body is breathing. (1 minute)

Be aware of the space around your body. Draw a circle of protective light around your body. Choose any light that feels most protective to you—for example, fire or moonlight. If it is helpful, you can request benevolent beings or guides to surround the circumference of this circle to bring an additional layer of protection and peace to your circle of energetic protection. (1 minute)

Bring your awareness back into the space inside your body and feel into the space inside your head. Imagine the inside of your head as empty space—no organ or bones, just empty blank space.[2]

Bring your attention to your right ear and feel as though you can draw a line from your right ear all the way to your left ear through the empty space of your head.

Feel and sense this line as a timeline of your life. Your right ear represents this present moment, and your left ear represents the moment you were born.

As you feel into this timeline, begin at the right ear, pausing to recall the most recent experience where you felt a sense of peace. Just let your mind quickly rest in that moment in time; see or sense a snapshot of where you were and what you were doing in this peaceful moment. Don’t get caught up in a story—just remember the moment. And then quickly move on from the right ear toward the left ear as you move backward on the timeline to the next profound moment of peace, again just experiencing a snapshot of this moment in time and continuing to move backward, touching all of the significant moments

Continue to move backward in time toward your left ear until you reach another significant moment. Go back as far as you can in time until you reach the first moment you felt profound peace. If at any time you begin to feel uncomfortable, pause the practice and ground yourself by going outside for a walk or lying on the ground for a few minutes doing deep belly breathing.

When you feel complete, please spend five minutes freewriting about what you remembered and how you feel. In freewriting, you write whatever comes to mind as quickly as you can, without attention to sentence structure or spelling. Do not disregard any memory as insignificant. If the memory entered your awareness, it’s meaningful.

When your writing feels complete, take a moment to notice if there was any recurring theme among the memories that popped up for you. Write it down.

As you traced your life back to reexperience moments that created impactful impressions of peace, you may have encountered a variety of emotions. You may find this exercise helpful to trace back other impressions like courage, joy, discomfort, fear, or inspiration. The first time I did this practice I traced back the impressions of shame throughout my life, and it was helpful for me to understand how samskaras have shaped me. It’s important to acknowledge the impact of tracing the impressions on our timeline. The emotions that arise may be surprising, and you may need a moment to reset; please take a moment to transition from the last exercise by shaking it out.

INTENTIONAL PAUSE: JIBBA JABBA—SHAKING IT OUT

(10 minutes)

Shaking is a practice that helps to regulate the nervous system. You may notice that your dog shakes to release tension or stress.[3] It is important for us to give ourselves space to release emotions, anxiety, and stuck energy. When we shake, we mimic the body’s innate response to discharge overwhelm in the nervous system.[4] When we add sound to accompany our movement, we give voice and physical expression to thoughts and feelings that can otherwise be difficult to name and release.

Set your timer for five minutes.

Find a comfortable position standing. You can also do this practice lying down or sitting in a chair if standing or walking is not accessible for you. Begin by slowing walking in a small circle, moving your arms as you move.

Next, begin to repeat “Jibba jabba!! Jibba jabba!!” over and over to represent all the thoughts, worries, and concerns of the mind. By using “jibba jabba,” we let go of the idea of connecting to a story and can begin allowing thoughts and emotions to be released and spaciousness to be created.

As you continue, get louder and louder with your jibba jabbas, beginning to shake your whole body as much as is available to you—especially the arms, hands, feet, and legs. Shake every part of your body that is possible to shake. If you can’t shake any part of the body, imagine the body shaking. Continue walking (or jogging) faster in your circle and shaking it out while repeating “Jibba jabba!! Jibba jabba!!”

After three minutes of shaking and jibba jabbas, pause and be silent. Lie down. Rest and notice your body lying on the floor. (2 minutes)

Let your breath settle back into your belly. Watch the rise and fall of your navel. (1 minute)

Devote a few minutes to freewriting.

“That which makes you fall is that which makes you rise.”

I first heard this wisdom from the tantric teacher Sally Kempton, and it immediately reminded me of a verse from Coleman Barks’s translation of the poem “Childhood Friends” by the thirteenth-century Persian poet Jalal al-Din Rumi:

“Don’t turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you.”[5]

What if we examined our wounded places with compassion and acceptance? Could we see how we were shaped by them? Our reaction to painful experiences is nuanced, and we should be careful not to judge ourselves or measure our experience against another person. We can be both strengthened by these experiences and feel stuck in place at the same time.

There were a few things that were set in motion the day of the egg incident. The feeling of “watching myself in a movie” as I walked onto the school bus was the first experience that I can recall of witness consciousness—the feeling of being a detached observer of my thoughts and feelings. I learned that I had a powerful intuition, even though it would take me years to learn to trust it.

One of the gifts of that day was that I learned how to be resilient, but I also became less trusting. I began to study martial arts, and by eighteen I had a purple mohawk and spent Sunday afternoons stagediving at the club CBGB. I was physically strong, and my outer appearance said, You better not mess with me. But was that the real me? Or was I just wearing a mask?

Footnotes:

1. Swami Veda Bharati, Yoga Sutras of Patanjali with the Exposition of Vyasa, Vol. 1, Samadhi-Pada (TK), 140.
2. Not everyone is visual. When I invite you to “imagine,” you may also feel, sense, or trust.
3. David Berceli, Neurogenic Tremors, TRE, accessed January 20, 2023.
4. Inge Sengelmann, Shake, Sweat, Tremble and Cry: It’s a Bleeping Global Pandemic! Therapy Aid Coalition, accessed January 20, 2023.
5. Jalal al-Din Rumi, “Childhood Friends,” in The Essential Rumi, trans. Coleman Barks, with John Moyne, A. J. Arberry, and Reynold Nichol- son (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1995), 142.

[Excerpted from Chapter 1 of The Luminous Self: Sacred Yogic Practices and Rituals to Remember Who You Are by Tracee Stanley © 2023. Reprinted in arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Inc. Boulder, CO.]

You may also enjoy reading The Sacred Pause: The Art of Activating Healing Energy, by Travis Eliot

The post That Which Makes Your Fall is That Which Makes Your Rise appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

I’m no Goddess…but a curious gift from a friend provokes me daily to see the myriad forms of abundance I have in my life, and to continually reach higher

—

I was recently gifted a small brass statue of the goddess Lakshmi. I am sure many of you have seen her before. She is a woman with four arms sitting in lotus style who appears in many Indian prints, pictures, and images. As a thank you for a successful collaboration, the friend who gave me the gift introduced her as the goddess of wealth, prosperity, and success. He said, “She reminds me so much of you.” Was he saying I was goddess-like? I flippantly asked if I was given a goddess with many hands because I am so good at juggling multiple projects. He smiled, I smiled, and we ended the conversation.

I took her home and read as much as possible to figure out why this person chose this particular gift for me. I learned that many refer to her as the goddess of abundance. Yet, when I think of abundance, I see those that have so much it is overflowing. It’s a term saved for the uber-wealthy or super-successful. I am neither of those.

So now she sits on my windowsill in the kitchen, watching me, tempting me to see and understand her purpose. I can feel her presence while I’m making dinner or just simply stopping in the middle of the day to pause and have a cup of tea. She tells me I need to stop, reflect, and seek answers to the questions I didn’t even know I needed to ask.

The internal monologue started something like this:

I have not changed the world, brought about peace, or saved a life. I do sometimes have the mouth of a sailor, leave my house unfit for human viewing, laugh at inappropriate times, and unintentionally hurt people’s feelings. A Goddess I am not.

Being given a goddess and potentially being compared to her is daunting.

I had a therapist once tell me to stay out of my head at all costs because my brain is a bad neighborhood and can only lead to a dangerous path — and she was right. The second I opened up to all the positive things I have been a part of, the negative thoughts and self-talk started rumbling in my brain.

Why do we default to “I am not enough?”

I am sure we can trace these negative emotions back to that one time when you reached for something and fell short. That one instance has pushed its way into the center of your brain and serves as a constant reminder that you failed. But what about all the times you succeeded or even thrived? I read that you remember negative experiences more vividly than positive ones, so maybe that is why they rear their ugly heads each time you are pushed out of your comfort zone. They remind you to keep your ego in check and serve as a grounding when you get too bold.

But we need to stop and remind ourselves that we are not the sum of our failures; we are the sum of the lessons we learned from our successes and failures.

Getting to this place in my life has taken me a long time (and lots of self-love). Although, like many, I am often very hard on myself, and I am more likely to criticize my behavior than reward it, I am not afraid to cheer myself on when I am feeling blue or to give it a “You go, girl” when I reach a goal. Maybe this is a place where Lakshmi and I can coexist.

But there is still the issue of abundance and its role in me.

Success and wealth went hand in hand when I was young and naive. Let’s face it; we would look at someone’s average salary and decide whether they could be deemed successful. I just don’t think that is the success that Lakshmi is speaking of.

Every day, as a teacher, I get to see the magic of understanding in students’ eyes. I get to watch as I guide young people to seek their best selves and celebrate when they achieve their goals. I get to see my children becoming incredible adults with passion and compassion for others. Many of my successes cannot be viewed through monetary value. A paycheck can measure none of that; yet for some, they can only see their bank balance as a success. What about their life balance?

Perhaps my goddess and I do have something in common.

I do have a wealth of love that surrounds me. My “people” love me for the unfiltered version of me that I only show to those near and dear. Even when I spew the truth, though sometimes hard to take, they return and ask for more. I often hear how refreshing it is to be around someone unafraid to speak her mind and rock the boat. My boat is always rocking.

I have recently taken to responding to the question of what I do with the statement, “I try to make people happy.” You can imagine the strange looks I get. But in reality, all the jobs I do, whether teaching, counseling, or writing, serve the same goal. Finally, instead of seeing multiple hands for multiple tasks as a burden, I can see it as a way to touch more people. I hope that my words and help will make someone else’s life a bit better. Is this the abundance that I share?

My gift-giver may not have been so wrong in bestowing on me the first of the goddess, Lakshmi. My mistake was applying too literal or material a definition to the concept of abundance. My family often teases me and calls me “Princess.” I was the youngest of three girls and maybe a little bit spoiled growing up. But I think I will change that, and from now on I will ask that they refer to me as “Goddess.” If it is good enough for Lakshmi, it is good enough for me.

You may also enjoy reading Pillow Talk: A Nod to Our Stalwart Companions, by Judy Marano.

The post A Dialog with Lakshmi: The Goddess of Abundance appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

When we shift our meaning of prosperity from financial gain to service, connection and love, we expand our sense of fulfillment, purpose and joy

—

[Excerpted from A New Universal Dream by Steve Farrell]

As part of the conscious path, it’s important for each of us to look inward and figure out what we most treasure about our own lives. You need to define prosperity for yourself. Is there prosperity in your relationships? In your professional work? Is it in close, loving relationships with your partner, your kids, your friends, and/or your coworkers? Is it in your relationship with God or the natural world?

Or is your prosperity in your bank account, primarily tied to your income, your investments, and your personal financial wealth?

It’s important to decide this because whatever your prosperity is anchored to, that is where you place your attention and thus your intention. If your treasure turns out to be primarily financial, there is a strong chance that you will never truly feel prosperous. You will notice how much more others have or fantasize about how much more you could have if only you worked more diligently, had a higher IQ, or had insider knowledge about the tactics to get more.

The good news is that it is never too late to change.

This is what I tried to do in my own life, and if there is one message I want to underscore here, it is that no matter how far down a path you’ve gone, you can always change directions. You can turn your life around and head toward happiness and fulfillment.

In truth, I’ve done this in my own life. I have found myself off course by a little or a lot. Whenever I discover this, I’m tempted to be frustrated and upset with myself, but I know there is no value in beating myself up over it. Instead, I’ve adjusted my course to the more true direction for me.

Once I’ve gotten myself back on track, I often realize the process has made me grow.

So many paths can deepen your connections to others, to the Earth and the universe that is our home, and to the Divine that is the source of everything. Those paths are never too far from whatever path you’re on. They are yours to choose for the first time or to choose anew every day that you live.

You are here on the Earth on a mission of sorts. When you follow your soul’s calling, it will guide you to your station in life. You will know who you truly are and how to best express yourself. Being fully devoted to your calling and your conscious journey requires the discipline to work on your mission every day to the best of your ability.

You are not simply a body experiencing a single lifetime and returning to dust at the end of that life; you are an eternal being evolving over lifetimes, an offspring of the Divine, with unlimited potential. Each day you will need to answer the same questions: How will I live? How will I feel at the end of the day about the choices I’ve made?

As an offspring of the Divine, we are the arms, legs, and lungs of the Divine, here to do the work only humans can do.

Your job is to do the work that you alone can bring to bear in the world, fulfilling your unique destiny in each lifetime and over all the lifetimes you spend here.

You were made this way, to be a healthy cell in the body of life around you. You will naturally feel joyful and excited when you fulfill the role you were born for; You will feel unfulfilled and out of sync when you instead make choices that are selfish and self-serving.

Matthew 6:33 in the New Testament says: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all things shall be added unto you.” The kingdom is our sacred relationship with the Divine/Life. We can find this kingdom when we go in prayer, meditation, and stillness.

When we align with the Divine, everything falls into place. We find a new prosperity in more loving relationships with family, friends, and coworkers. We feel empowered to work tirelessly for causes we care about. We have a sense of being right where we’re supposed to be, which leads to a deep, abiding peace. We can share this peace when we join hands and hearts with others.

When we make this manifest in our reality, we create a new humanity and a new Earth.

For the sake of transparency, and for perspective, before leaving Silicon Valley, I thought I had a sense of purpose. I enjoyed various rewards. Yet I never truly felt settled, satisfied, or at peace. Since shifting gears with my family and coming to Colorado, I’ve felt far more purposeful and more in flow. I know I’m doing what I truly came into this life to do, which is fulfilling my personal mission and doing my part for the whole.

As a result, my sense of cognitive dissonance is gone. The incessant tapping on my shoulder has vanished, along with the sensation of always craving more. The hole in my soul has been filled. I now feel a sense of prosperity and satisfaction far beyond anything I felt during my entrepreneur days in the technology industry. I believe this is one of the most important signposts on the conscious journey. At the end of the day, we feel full and alive instead of half-empty and depleted.

I am on my own personal journey. I have not reached some grand destination where I’ve achieved mastery of life, but I’m deliberately trying to evolve into the highest expression of who I am.

I often push myself harder than I should, but it’s because I’m passionate and devoted to so many things. To counter this, I’m paying closer attention to myself every day, reminding myself to take more breaks and laugh more with my team. I’m making more time to take longer walks with my dog and to just sit and enjoy the outdoors with Stephanie and our now-grown children.

My passion and enthusiasm even sometimes interrupt my sleep, because I’m so excited about the coming day. I’ve made adjustments to ensure I get enough sleep to be at my best. These are just a sampling of the things I’m pursuing in my own journey. I believe this is the kind of work we all must do on ourselves as we seek to honor the gifts and opportunities we’ve been given by the source of everything there is.

You may also enjoy reading Money Shame: Redesigning Your Relationship with Money, by Bari Tesler.

The post Choosing Your Path Anew Each Day appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

For women especially, perfectionism is a goal that limits, rather than expands opportunity; perhaps it’s time to lean into self-trust instead

—

I meet hundreds of women, through my work as an author and speaker, who are ready for their next level of impact, yet they sit on the edge, contemplating if they are “ready enough.” Like me, these women evaluate every potential outcome and frequently focus on the not-so-positive scenarios. With this lens, often filled with negative self-talk, they override their inner knowing and convince themselves that now is not the time. So, they wait.

Looking back, I now see that some of my self-imposed delays were dripping with doubt and unrealistic expectations. I often pressured myself to make others happy or avoided my fears of failure or embarrassment. Even on projects where I had little or no experience, I put enormous pressure on myself to create fantastic results.

These ridiculous, self-imposed expectations kept me working nights and weekends, striving to be over- prepared for the next opportunity.

Through my research for my second book, I learned that I was not alone. In the workplace, women often wait to be 100 percent prepared to apply for jobs, as opposed to men, who feel comfortable at around 60 percent prepared, according to Tara Sophia Mohr, author of Why Women Don’t Apply for Jobs Unless They’re 100% Qualified.

Let’s ask ourselves, how often do we require ourselves to be 100 percent ready or more for new things?  How have you held yourself back during the past two years because you were not 100 percent prepared? What fears have you identified that you now realize have a STRONG hold on you and your aspirations? What steps could you take this month to push through your self-doubts?

After years of personal development, I now see perfectionism as more about wanting to fit in and working to avoid criticism or negative comments from peers, leaders, and co-workers. I will let you know right now that it’s not easy to break away from perfectionism, even though I recognized its grip on my life years ago and have worked to overcome it through self-development, spiritual alignment, and mind mapping.

I now realize that perfectionism is a trap that prevents us from digging deep, releasing guilt, and realizing that we do not need to seek external approval for self-worth.

But even knowing this, I still see it trying to creep into my life every day.

Let me ask you, what are you sacrificing to be a perfectionist? How do you use perfectionism as an excuse in other areas of your life? How have you sidestepped your well-being or wellness to meet your expectations of perfectionism?

For me, after reading dozens of books and receiving many energy sessions, I can now be candid. Going above and beyond is often a tool we use to convince other people and ourselves that we belong and are worthy of being here.

The mind chatter or inner critic telling us we are not being good enough is fueled by, guess who? Our egos!

My perfectionism was always present but often in high gear when starting something new — the “something new” kickstarts my need to do it perfectly. But as we know, that is impossible because if we’re doing something for the first time, we don’t have that experience.

So, while mistakes and missteps are inevitable, they should not impact our decision to start, try, or check out something new and definitely not make us second guess our likeability or self-worth. Is there a particular project you were working on, a group of people you were trying to impress, or a particular time in your life when you believed perfectionism felt necessary?

Can you recall the first time you felt the need to get everything correct or perfect? When were you heavily praised for ‘thinking of everything’ or doing the steps others forgot?

Consider this your personal invitation to take a look at how perfectionism has impacted your inner dialogue and a motivation to embrace the journey of self-trust as you lean into your curiosities.

You may also enjoy reading Perfectly Imperfect: Saying Goodbye to the Curse of Perfectionism, by Laurence Favier.

The post Breaking Away from Perfectionism  appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Our pillows hold more than our head…they hold our secrets, our dreams, our fears and our tears; perhaps they, too, need a breath of fresh air

—

I start most of my days with a phone call to my mom. I never take for granted that many of my friends have lost their moms, and I am grateful every day when she picks up the phone, singing her “hello.” On this particular day, I knew the answer to my question, “What are you doing today?” Monday was sheets day. Just like the mailman that delivers the mail in rain, snow, sleet, and hail, the sheets get washed on Mondays regardless of illness, season, or mood. But more importantly, it was a beautiful day, so she added, “I’m airing out my pillows.”

For those of you who have never done this, it requires you to take your bed pillows and lay them outside, particularly in the sun, for a few hours. Just the idea of watching her gather the pillows overflowing in her arms and putting them out brings a huge smile to my face.

If you are thinking that you do not have a porch or backyard, do not fret. Apparently, this tradition dates back to when families lived in apartments. I have been told that you just need to remove your screen and hang half of the pillow out of the window, then close the window to hold it in place. “There is a system,” Mom said. The suggestion is to readjust the position every couple of hours until the entire pillow has been warmed. I kinda like the image of pillows hanging on the side of the building of my mother’s home, welcoming us in for nourishment and rest.

With this very descriptive reminder, I was taken back to being a child when I would walk home from school, and upon entering the gated yard, I would see all the pillows in the house spread across the patio on random chairs and tables like guests at an afternoon picnic. I imagined the lumpy pillow as the mid-section of Grandpa and the small one as my petite Grandma sitting ramrod straight. There they sat, soaking up the sun, jiggling in the breeze as if laughing over a good joke. It always gave me a sense of calm, knowing that all was right in my tiny world. The added benefit was that my pillow would smell like sunshine and a cool breeze that night when I went to sleep.

As I have aged, I have begun to recognize that there are reasons other than a crisp, clean scent to throw those pillows outside on a warm day.

First, we want our pillows to protect us as we slip into dreamland. They hold us steady as we traverse the imaginary world of dreams. They are the landing pad when we jump from a plane (we have all had that dream) or when we are running from a scary enemy and wake up disoriented, sweating, and out of breath. Uncomplaining, they let us grab them, scrunch them, hug them, punch them, and fold them all to find the right spot. You never get any kickbacks or complaints.

Many of us are so attached that our pillows travel with us. When leaving for that car trip with the family in tow, how many of us grab the pillow as the last item you throw in the front seat, ostensibly to rest our head as the sleepy passenger, but mainly because we cannot rest without it?

Bedrooms themselves hold a special place in our lives. They are the most overlooked and yet most important part of the room. They are where we kiss our children good night or care for a sick family member. But the pillow holds the place of honor.

They are our secret keepers as we tell our deepest fears and desires during “pillow talk” with a loved one.

Whispering in the darkroom into your pillow is the same as locking these thoughts away in a vault. The pillow also puts your head in the exact position to face a loved one and stare into their eyes. When life gets hard, we can count on our pillow, our stalwart friends, to catch our tears when we quietly express our pain. We know that our trusted pillow, just like a trusted friend, will never betray us.

Sometimes, I wonder if my pillow feels my pain, joy, suffering, and happiness. We require a lot from our nighttime companion, whether synthetic or down, lumpy or soft, but we need to respect that they, too, might need a minute to unwind, let go, and feel free. That is a lot of responsibility.

I think my mom was onto something by taking them out to breathe. They must get heavy with the load they carry. It only makes sense to have them release their secrets into the breeze so they are ready to be filled up again.

So on the first sunshiny day, I grabbed all the pillows in my arms and arranged them on the deck furniture. They were a bit unruly to carry and a little heavier than I expected. I checked on them throughout the afternoon as I would a visiting friend. And each glance outside found them exactly where I left them. But maybe they were different. Perhaps the sunshine and breeze had released the stored secrets, and the pillows were again ready to absorb hopes, dreams, secrets, and tears.

As the sun set, I grabbed my pillows and brought them inside, but not before sticking my nose deep into the folds and inhaling the freshness. They seemed lighter, less burdened now.
That night, as I climbed into my bed, my head hit the pillow. I drifted off the sleep, knowing my aired-out pillow was ready for me to fill it up again. I promised my pillow that I would no longer wait as long between trips outside.

On the next sunny day, if you look on my deck, you will see my family of pillows enjoying the day and being rejuvenated by the fresh air and sunshine, making them more prepared to take their place of honor at the top of my bed.

I grabbed the phone and dialed Mom again to thank her for passing on this wonderful lesson.

You may also enjoy reading Truth or Dare: From Secrets, Lies & Vatican Ties to Transparency…and Freedom, by Tina Alexis Allen.

The post Pillow Talk: A Nod to Our Stalwart Companions appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes

Informed by war, heritage and her own family life, a mother reflects on her good fortune while respecting the lives that paved the way for her

—

When my kids were young, I was always reminding them that they needed to put their “problems” in the proper perspective. What was I really telling them? I was saying that they needed to be more appreciative of their lives—and what they had—spiritually and materialistically. I usually said this when they were acting like spoiled children—for example, when my fourteen-year-old said that she needed new clothes after we’d just gone clothes shopping for her a month earlier.

When I was young, my dad was an expert at putting my life in the proper perspective for me. He shared stories of growing up during World War II in Germany and surviving the Holocaust. He spoke about how in his early teens he was sent to a concentration camp. He ate only food scraps and at nightfall collapsed on the only things there were to sleep on—wooden barracks with hundreds of other prisoners. He was grateful for his job in the kitchen peeling potatoes, because he always had food. Once he showed me the scar on his forehead inflicted upon him by Nazi soldiers when they found out he’d taken too much peel off the potatoes so he could toss it to his hungry friends in the barracks.

After the war he couldn’t stand the sight of red meat because it reminded him of all the dead bodies he’d seen. The mere sight of blood turned his stomach.

He shared how he watched his younger brother and mother being taken away on the death-camp trains and how he never got to say goodbye.

It dulled the grief when we named our son after his dead brother, but being separated from one’s parents at the age of fifteen results in a degree of pain that lasts a lifetime.

My mother-in-law had her own share of hair-raising stories to tell when she lived with a Swiss family while trying to hide from the Nazis so they wouldn’t kill her and her sister. While hiding in the family’s basement, they shared food and lived in constant fear for their lives. They didn’t see their parents for five years.

I’m now sixty-five, only six years younger than my father was when he died. My children left the nest a long time ago, and I’m now blessed to have four amazing grandchildren. During this last chapter of my life, I see how the mirror reveals my advancing years. In my younger days, it didn’t matter if I applied facial cream each morning. These days, if I skip just one day, my wrinkles appear like a vulture near a dead carcass. I remember the days when I ate all the Valentine’s Day and Halloween chocolate I desired, the scale never revealing my secret addiction. Today, there are no secrets, as my body’s metabolism has slowed down to a crawl.

The older I get, the more I look to the past for clarity and perspective.

One day in particular stands out. It was a rainy day, the perfect time for some spring-cleaning. I was going through our “catch all” closet and making piles of what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to discard. My first nurse’s uniform from forty years ago was put into a pile called “questionable: to be reviewed later.” Then I added Dad’s old figure skates, which he’d used to teach Paul Neuman to skate at Rockefeller Center in New York decades earlier.

The “giveaway” pile included such things as old party and wedding invitations, the kids’ first Halloween costumes, birth announcements, expired coupons, New Year’s Eve hats, and incomplete decks of playing cards. The “must-keep pile” was the most fascinating. It included baby pictures, school notebooks, kindergarten photos, Dad’s favorite clothes, stamp and coin collections, framed photographs with broken glass, awards won in tennis tournaments, autographed paraphernalia, and old posters.

This task certainly took me down memory lane. Occasionally I would stop and gaze at what I’d found, and an entire era would be illuminated by a piece of memorabilia. But there was a special treasure that I stumbled upon which, as a writer, made me stop and stare. Before my eyes were some cartons of papers that time had yellowed. They included old report cards, letters I wrote from camp, and important documents, many of which I’d thought were lost.

As I approached the bottom of the carton, there was a stack of about fifteen papers held together in a plastic sheath. I felt my eyes momentarily bulge as I realized the true value of the treasure I was about to reveal.

It was the journal I’d heard so much about, written by my grandmother after the turn of the century. I knew I had my day cut out for me as I read about a life that was so foreign yet so familiar, a life that threw the shadow of perspective immediately upon mine.

I’m sure the journal was typed on one of those manual, black, clunky-sounding Remington typewriters. The single-spaced document typed on loose-leaf paper had since turned light brown. White-out correction fluid was not yet on the market, so the pages were full of “strikeovers.” Grandma obviously didn’t care much about writing in paragraphs, as the twelve pages were written in one unbroken stream of consciousness.

Over the years I gathered bits and pieces of information about Grandma’s life and concluded that she’d had her share of misery, but I had no idea that reading her journal could make me so appreciative for my own life. The tears poured down my face as I realized the origin of my love for writing and how Grandma’s words flowed as smoothly as the tears from my eyes, eyes that have seen little misery in her lifetime. I continued to read, and after just a few lines, I ran to the bathroom adjacent to my study and grabbed a newly opened box of tissues.

Grandma had been born in Poland in the early 1900s. Her journal was a reflective piece about her earlier years. She began with her dad discussing one night during dinner how war had just been declared—Austria-Hungry against Russia.

The following morning she watched “swarms of soldiers marching” among the schoolchildren on the street in front of her house.

She wrote: “Just when we thought the soldiers were leaving, they walked in reverse [turned around and went back] and got aggressive. Horses were running without riders on their backs. Those [many] who had riders had no arms nor legs and blood pours out of their bodies. Their clothes were torn. They were hungry and ate anything in sight. They raided our refrigerators and on the streets we held out jars with water and they drank eagerly at times reaching out to get a drink that they had no time to swallow. My mother was frantic. She wanted to run with the army, but dad refused to leave.”

One day grandma roamed the streets and saw menacing-looking Cossacks dressed in long black coats and fur caps, with ammunition slung across their chests and swords in their hands. “I ran when I saw a young boy on the deserted street and the Cossacks were hacking him into small pieces. His mother ran to pick up the bloody pieces on her apron. My father finally decided it was time to leave and go to Poland as the fighting continued relentlessly.”

As they were preparing to leave, a severe cholera epidemic hit the small Polish town. “First only a whispering with single cases here and there and then we all went into a state of horrified stupor. The stores closed. There was no school. There was no visiting, no handshakes and no taking money from others. Some people had a little bag of camphor around their necks, which was thought to offer little protection against the disease.”

Grandma’s parents developed cholera. Finally, her mother died a slow and inevitable death. My grandmother witnessed her burial in a mass grave of thirty or more people. Some of the deceased had family and some did not. Mom’s entire family was quarantined. It was not long after that her father died, also of cholera and apparently with no warning. Grandma was left alone in the world with her eight-year-old sister. “I was only eleven years old and very scared,” she wrote. “My oldest brother left town to take a job in Vienna, and soon after my youngest brother followed him. The once full and lively house became empty and more than half the town’s population died.”

Grandma found solace in the daily ritual of going to school, as she said it was the only time she could be a child.

But although she received a lot of assistance and food from caring neighbors and the school, she never felt it was enough, nor could it compensate for the loss of her parents. With her sister, she decided to hitch a ride on the slow-moving train to Vienna to find her older brothers. Visiting their homes brought more horrible revelations to the girls’ young hearts. The brothers’ wives practically slammed the doors in their faces! They said they had enough trouble feeding the mouths of their own children. Finally, the two sisters were placed in a small orphanage. There, the heartache of wearing rags for clothes and not having enough food to support their growing bodies continued to haunt them. Grandma’s writing ended with her high school graduation and her struggle to get a job as a bank teller.

***

I was unable to process Grandma’s story in one sitting. She had so many feelings of loneliness, anger, and resentment. Her life was filled with turmoil and grief, and as I look around today, I’m amazed that outside of raising three amazing humans, my life is calm and predictable. There are no scary-looking soldiers marching down my street and no deadly epidemics to fend off. In fact, most of us are so lucky to have the lives we do, so we need to be more aware of the dire situations that others have gone through in order to place our lives in the proper perspective.

After reading Grandma’s story, I had a visceral sense that life was just utterly unfair.

I wondered why Grandma had endured so many hardships and why I had been so lucky my whole life, always surrounded by good people and experiences. I felt that so much injustice had occurred, and I was feeling sorry for a woman I hardly knew.

While reading, I took a break to make my family’s favorite dinner, pasta. After we sat down and had been eating for a few minutes, my daughter, who was fourteen at the time, looked up from her plate and asked, “Mom, why are you so quiet tonight?”

“Actually, I’ve been reading my grandmother Regina’s journal, and I’m still in shock. I really must share the stories with you guys.”

As usual, we gobbled down dinner, and the kids, in their nightly robotic fashion, cleared the table. The girls loaded the dishwasher, and my son went back to his favorite pastime—curling up on the blue corduroy sofa and watching television. Later, the girls joined him. I returned to the lush sofa chair in my study and continued reading Grandma’s story.

I must have had the concept of “perspective” on my mind because the following day there was another incident that triggered some powerful emotions.

My then–eight-year-old son, Joshua, joined the ranks. He finally decided that collecting beanie babies was the thing to do. Family trips were then geared around which stores sold these stuffed toys. My husband remarked in his usual wry tone, “You’re encouraging my son to collect these things while he should be collecting worms or stamps.”

Joshua’s collection grew, and anyone who visited our home, whether they wanted to or not, received a guided tour of his favorite friends. He was very conscientious about checking off his in his book which ones he owned and their apparent value. At one point, I realized the true value of those adorable, furry creatures. I served one of my gourmet casserole dinners when Joshua asked to be excused for a few seconds. He dashed out of the kitchen, across the dining room and living room, and headed for his bedroom. He returned to the kitchen with a huge shopping bag filled with beanies. He sat on the floor and looked up at all four of us sitting at the table just finishing dinner. “Wait, wait, don’t go anywhere,” he said, holding his hand out straight in our direction as if he were a traffic cop.

“I want to introduce you to my beanies, and then I will tell you their names. You betta pay attention because I will test you afterward,” he said. His two teenage sisters looked at him quizzically and then glanced back at me while rolling their eyes, obviously tired of his beanie-baby enthusiasm.

 “May we be excused?” they asked simultaneously.

“No,” my husband and I responded without the slightest hesitation.

“Hurry up,” Rachel said. “I have homework.”

“C’mon,” said Regine. “What’s taking you so long?”

Joshua proceeded to dump all his babies on the floor, and one by one he began reciting their names and then putting them back in the shopping bag.

“Slow down,” my husband requested, remembering that he would be “tested” and didn’t want to make a fool out of himself.

“OK, I’ll start over,” Joshua said.

In frustration, his older sister said, “No way. I can’t take this, Mom.” Joshua continued to plow through the names of his forty-odd beanie babies. He spared us all the little sayings on the red heart-shaped tags. We were lucky because he really loved talking, and especially loved making up stories. He methodically named each and every beanie baby, moving them from one pile to another. For the first time he was in control of his two older sisters. I never thought beanie babies could bridge the gap between siblings who bickered about everything. But, for however much money and time I spent supporting my son’s addiction, it was well worth the ten minutes of watching all three of my children giggling together for the first time in a long while. It was simply a case of “looking through this window” and “now looking through that one.”

Perspective is important to me. Knowing about my past gives me insight into the present and ideas about the future.

My grandfather once told me with conviction, “You watch, my dear, history will repeat itself. Mark my words.” Although he mentioned this in the context of the fashion industry (he was a style nut), we could see how it could apply to other aspects of our lives. Now that I’m the age he was when he spoke those words, I realize the truth in what he said.

You may also enjoy reading Feminism for the Ages: How My Great Grandmother Became a Character in my Novel, by Violet Snow.

The post Life Is Good: A Perspective on Gratitude appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

When a custody battle forces her to the mirror of her truth, a woman finds a source of profound healing that shifts her life forever

—

I spent most of my teens and twenties desperately seeking love, acceptance, and approval from others while paying no mind to myself. The more I worried about what everyone else thought of me, the less I mattered to myself. I transformed into whoever I needed to be to satisfy the needs and expectations of others. I ran on anxiety, fearing I wasn’t good enough, then diminishing myself trying to prove my worth.

It’s no wonder I ignored the red flags, married a man I did not love, and lost precious years of my life trying to escape from his abuse. I struggled like a madwoman, unable to break free. The more I tried the worse things seem to get.

I was a broken girl trying to fix my problems from the same brokenness that caused them. I kept at it, proud of my ability to persevere. Surviving felt like thriving, chaos and dysfunction felt like home. I never considered another way.

A Course in Miracles states:

“Tolerance for pain may be high, but it is not without limit. Eventually everyone begins to recognize, however dimly, that there must be a better way.”

My tolerance for pain reached its limit when my ex went for the jugular and sued me for custody of our boys. Faced with the threat of losing them, I fell to my knees begging for peace. There’s a scene in my book, I Got It from Here, where a court decision rocked my world:

Time with my boys felt like scraps of bread and water. I saw a grated window high above me, the sunlight clear but out of reach, to be enjoyed by everyone but me. I gasped for air, unable to breathe. I believed I was a decent person, but I began to question what I was being punished for. I wanted to fall to my knees and plead, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me, and please let me have my babies back. Please, I’ll be good. I’ll follow the rules. Please just let me have my children.”

I finally surrendered, not to my ex but to a higher power. Please God, help me. I was ready to heal.

When the student is ready the teacher will appear. During the darkest days of the custody battle I read A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson and felt a pull towards something familiar, a call to peace and joy. I soaked up her teachings like a sponge, her wisdom led me to my practice of A Course in Miracles. Once I embarked on my spiritual journey, things began to shift. I took small breaks from the chaos and cherished the calm that came over me when I connected to Source. The Course was teaching me things I somehow already knew to be true.

One of my favorite quotes from the Course is:

“Let me look on the world I see as the representation of my own state of mind.”

That wasn’t easy to accept at first, but once I did, I took back ownership of my life. I wasn’t at the mercy of others after all; I didn’t have to live in fear. I had the power in me all along! I stopped focusing on what was happening to me and humbly looked at what was going on inside of me. I softened a bit as I examined my wounds — guilt, shame, resentment, anger, anxiety, sadness — and tended to them with compassion. It’s interesting that I had been begging for forgiveness when I pleaded with a higher power to help me during the custody battle. I didn’t do anything wrong; what was I begging for forgiveness for?

Turns out I had to forgive myself for all the times I betrayed myself.

Thankfully, young me was forgiving but in a way that forgiveness wasn’t even needed, as if nothing ever happened, as if no time has passed. I reconnected with my lost self and promised to never abandon her again.

As I healed from within, my external circumstances began to improve. My ex didn’t seem to have power over me anymore. In fact, he never did. Little by little, I cleared my mind and calmed my fears. I accessed a strength in me that required no action, no defense; I accessed the power of love. Call it divine intervention, call it a miracle, all I know is the custody battle began to shift in my favor. There’s another scene in my book where I am walking out of Family Court untouchable, having just experienced a win I knew came from the power within me:

A Chill ran up my spine as I sensed demons blazing behind me, but I didn’t dare look back. I had to let them melt away while I kept walking. With each step, I felt a layer of anguish shed from me. As the layers shed, I discovered glimmers of myself. Francesca was still there.

That’s right, I rose from the ashes. I was stronger than my ex had given me credit for. I was stronger than I had given myself credit for. Never again. I Got It from Here.

You may also enjoy reading Interview: Marianne Williamson | A Return to Love and Consciousness, by Kristen Noel.

The post Rising from the Ashes Through A Course in Miracles appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Childhood abandonment can create deep psychological trauma, affecting adulthood on many levels — but there is a path to healing

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Abandonment can affect us deeply—parents’ divorce, death of close family member, neglectful caregivers, or a significant other. It can make us feel as if there is something innately wrong with us; that we’re not good enough for anyone or anything.

We begin to find fault in ourselves, and our self-esteem plummets. However, learning to take responsibility and connect with your emotional self will bring peace into your life.

How Does Abandonment Affect Us? 

Fear of abandonment develops, causing an unhealthy fear that people, places, and things we are attached to will eventually leave or reject us. Abandonment issues are rooted in childhood and are steeped in trauma. Once we experience abandonment in our formative years, we begin to abandon ourselves. Self-abandonment can cause an individual to feel unworthy of love and happiness.

Feelings of abandonment can be triggered through a multitude of events at any life stage; however, they stem from our formative years. These events include:

• Abuse
• Death of a loved one
• Medical and mental illness
• Romantic rejection
• Workplace mistreatment
• Financial stress or poverty

Common signs that someone is experiencing fear of abandonment are anxiety, suspicion, insecurity, trust issues, commitment issues, quick attachment, emotional unavailability, and inability to accept disappointment and rejection.

And this is where self-responsibility comes into play.

What Is Self-Responsibility? 

Self-responsibility is taking 100% responsibility for the results of your life. It means that you decide to no longer be a victim of what happens to you, but rather become the creator of your future in the present moment.

There is no one to blame for your feelings; when you are self-responsible you accept that you and you alone are creating the experience of your life. You’re able to accept yourself exactly as you are now — your personality, appearance, strengths, and weaknesses. You recognize that your value doesn’t come from approval and love from others. You also recognize that your value isn’t tied to looks or performance — these are the two most common ways we get love as children, either by ‘looking right’ or ‘doing it right’.

Self-responsibility is one of the most important shifts you can make to improve your mental and emotional health. When you operate from a place of being fully responsible for yourself you become immune to criticism from others. Your internal reference point is solely acceptance of self, not approval from the outside.

When someone doesn’t have a deep connection with themselves, they think they’ll be able to achieve it through accomplishments or acknowledgement from others — these are temporary and fleeting.

Intimacy is what an individual needs to feel close to themselves and others. Intimacy = In-To-Me-I-See. By cultivating a deep connection with yourself, you will begin to see that your relationships to others simply mirror your relationship with yourself. When you know your true self, you are able to show up authentically and are truly comfortable in your own skin.

4 Steps to Take Responsibility for Yourself

Let’s look at some of the ways that can help improve our ability to accept ourselves:

1. Forgive Yourself — If there are things in your past that you’re not proud of or have acted in ways that don’t hold up to who you want to be, it’s time to forgive yourself. Forgiveness is accepting the past has happened, not holding onto the thought that it shouldn’t have happened. Asking yourself, ‘What is the lesson?’ from the past experience, will open the door to true forgiveness. When we gain lessons in experiences, we will learn and we won’t continue to repeat negative patterns.
2. Have Self–Compassion — Be nice to yourself. Talk to yourself as you would a child. Our feeling self is the ‘inner child’. The part of you that was abandoned was when you were too small to feel the pain of helplessness and heartbreak. Journal and get your thoughts out on paper, write a letter to your little self and apologize for abandoning her/him. Give yourself space, time and understanding during challenging and stressful times. Hold yourself like a loving parent would connect with a scared child.
3. Celebrate Yourself —Give yourself a pat on the back for the growth and desire to become intimate with yourself and take 100% responsibility.
4. Surround Yourself with Conscious People —Despite whatever trauma exists in our past, it’s important to surround yourself with people who mirror to you the love, respect, attention and care you’re giving to yourself.

The Bottom Line

If we grew up in a family that left us feeling abandoned, we don’t have to continue being burdened by those feelings as we make our way through life.

Healthy adults cannot be abandoned.

If you’re feeling abandoned, look within and see where you have abandoned yourself. Where have you not set boundaries? Where have you made others’ feelings more important than your own? Where do you need to speak up and advocate for yourself? There are many paths to support you to find an inner resource of connection, love, meaning and purpose. Among the most powerful are a daily meditation practice, and reparenting and nurturing your ‘inner child’.

Self-responsibility is a journey that will allow you to evolve into a healthy, loving adult in the aftermath of abandonment.

You may also enjoy reading Breaking the Cycle: Healing from Complex Trauma, by Laurie B. Timms.

The post Self-Responsibility and Healing After Abandonment appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes

You can run from aging but you can’t hide, so the inevitable question is, how are you going to meet it?

—

Will you meet aging with avoidance, rigidity, or resignation on a mournful protest through your remaining years? Or will you enhance the quality of your remaining lifetime, no matter how long it may be, meeting aging with acceptance, curiosity, resilience, and gratitude?

This is a critical question to ponder as there is no denying that aging brings challenges – many of which you would rather not experience! During my career as a psychologist specializing in treating mid-life and older clients, everyone who arrived at my consulting room shared a path of determined pursuit of the magic beans that would inoculate them from the pains and sorrows of life, only to experience continual disappointment. I will not bore you with a recitation of my own and my clients’ failed attempts of searching for paradise, as they would simply mirror your creative efforts, and you know what your futile endeavours have been!

The reality is that there is no way to transcend this human existence, a life that Buddhism accurately characterizes as comprising 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. But be clear that aging is not all bad news: advancing years not only brings ‘memento mori’ as a reminder of our mortality but also offers ‘memento vivere’ as a remembrance that we must fully live the time still available.

Aging, therefore, can be a gift — a gift of conscious engagement with time, providing the opportunity for personal growth and development to become whole and authentic.

However, what is needed to realize this potential are practices that unwrap the gift of agency, the understanding that you can impact your day-to-day, moment-to-moment experiences in ways you may never have thought possible.

Mindfulness and Jungian psychology are two such complementary health practices. Jungian psychology explores and investigates conscious and unconscious blockages to living a full and authentic life. It allows the skewed perception of yourself to be unmasked, facilitating an expanded sense of self called individuation. Mindfulness hones your skills to focus and consciously experience each moment of your life. Mindfulness sensibility allows you to experience each moment with awareness and intention to develop a more accepting and compassionate response to whatever arises.

In essence, the goals of both practices are bold — they invite you to expand your consciousness to be aware, experience, and accept whatever is occurring in the present moment. They both provide skills to become a better friend to yourself and therefore offer the potential to meet and embrace both aging tasks — to remain aware of your limited existence while fully living each moment of your life.

Following a mid-life crisis, I stumbled upon Jungian psychology and mindfulness over 35 years ago. After establishing a successful psychological consulting company with offices in five cities across Canada, I fell into a depression. My personal and career life achievements felt empty and barren. While this felt shocking at the time, it should not have been surprising, as a dream I had several years earlier uncannily foreshadowed this impending crisis:

I am with a group of followers in a large wood-frame building that is empty of furnishings except for a glass display case. The male leader of the group, unable to continue living his life as he had, sweeps his arm through the case, smashing his trophies and icons of achievement to the ground. Weeping deeply, he buries his head in his hands and falls to his knees. With no awareness or sense of control over where his life will now lead, feelings of despair and resignation fill him as the building explodes into flames.

Through a lengthy course of Jungian psychotherapy, which illuminated how much we all function through unconscious processes, I disentangled myself from a life barren of connection with my true self. It allowed me to understand and gain insight into what contributed to my struggles, including defences, projections, personal shadows, over-compensation and the limited persona I lived within.

My newly attuned capacity to hear what my authentic life offered led to a ten-day silent mindfulness retreat. High in the Sangre de Cristo mountains outside Taos, New Mexico, I began to embrace the gifts of compassionate, present-moment awareness. It allowed me to begin cultivating an attitude of non-judgment, impartially witnessing whatever arises and anchoring my mind in a new, more stable foundation. It offered me the skills to ‘meet’ whatever occurs with a sense of equanimity rather than reflexively grasping, pushing away, embellishing with stories, or blindly reacting emotionally.

From these beginnings and through the ensuing years, I have continued to face the mysteries of everyday existence, positively enhanced through the twin lens of Jungian psychology and mindfulness meditation.

My personal journey later morphed into my professional life as I completed a doctorate in clinical psychology with a specialization in Jungian psychology as well as further training in mindfulness through the University of Massachusetts Medical School. My clinical work transformed into a novel practice marrying Jungian psychology with mindfulness addressing complex issues mid-life and older clients presented.

Since retiring from my clinical practice in 2017, I volunteered to develop and continue to teach a mindfulness program specifically addressing concerns of hospice bereavement and palliative care patients. Most patients are between fifty to eighty-nine years old, with many having never heard of mindfulness before enrollment. The benefits expressed by participants have been very gratifying. Despite their considerable personal losses, these aging individuals have found ways to meet their sorrow and pain while experiencing life courageously and wholeheartedly.

Common evaluative comments include feeling “grounded; more peaceful; confident; kinder to myself; settled; appreciative and accepting of life.” Many observed that they “gained valuable new tools for not only my grief but my life in general.”

Just as in my journey, what hospice patients found so powerful in applying mindfulness and Jungian psychology practices to life’s experiences is that it invites you to consciously live this life, your precious life, in the most healthy, satisfying, and meaningful way possible. Melding these two approaches together in nine weekly educational sessions coupled with ongoing practice offers the possibility of a compassionate way of being during your mid-life and aging years by inviting you to create an engaged and vibrant personal connection to three aspects of time’s inescapable presence:

Awareness

The first invitation is to maintain your understanding that there is no stopping time — our life clocks are ticking! Mindfulness or Jungian psychology does not claim magically to create or extend time since that is impossible, for as Napoleon reminds us, “You can ask for anything you want except time.” This invitation for ongoing awareness of time passing is remembered by evoking the rhetorical question, “If not now, when?”

Experience

The second invitation concerns your experience of time — figuratively and literally to wake up to the unfolding nature of each moment. A 2010 Harvard study found that, on average, we are NOT paying attention to what we are experiencing 47% of the time!

This is a critical finding because attention turns out to be the brain’s boss — all cognitive and emotional activities follow where you put your attention. As the Jedi master, Yoda, succinctly concludes: “Your focus determines your reality.” With our Western culture’s emphasis on personal responsibility, realizing how little control you have over where your attention is focused during your waking life is sobering!

And this inattention to the task at hand does not just leave us basking in blissful fantasies or memories, with the Harvard study’s frank conclusion aptly summarized in its title, “A Wandering Mind is an Unhappy Mind.” We end up missing our life, missing it moment by moment, leaving us feeling dissatisfied and unhappy!

Many years ago, I was fortunate to realize my dream of owning a horse. Fionn was a beautiful tri-coloured filly who, although very gentle, was not yet trained. While I had ridden horses for many years, I hired a younger (and more courageous) cowgirl to do the first rides, and when the initial rodeo of bucking and rearing ended, I was excited to continue her training. As I swung my leg over the saddle during my first ride, I was unsure whose heart was beating faster — Fionn’s or mine! But as my hands tightly took hold of the reins and my legs pressed to her girth, a disturbing question abruptly popped into my awareness: “Who was in charge here?”

Well, it didn’t take long to realize that Fionn was in control! She was the one who decided to go forward or back, to the right or the left, burst into a run or stand still, and occasionally kick front or back legs. Instead of expecting to lead this 1,500-pound animal around the paddock, my only job became breathlessly holding on tight. I, who was supposed to be in charge, had no say in the matter with the unplanned but sobering conclusion that I was just along for the ride.

In my daily life, I do not want to ‘just be along for the ride,’ with my attention slavishly pulled from one thought to another, one feeling to another, one physical sensation to another, one sight to another, or one sound to another! Missing life moment by moment is not a life worth living. Mindfulness invites us to take charge of our attention by training our focus to be present where we want it, when we want it, moment by moment.

Relationship

The third invitation involves establishing a new relationship with time. Being aware and present during pleasurable moments is not likely difficult for most people. However, the task becomes learning how to be in a relationship with all of life, including the more complex and challenging experiences that often accompany the aging years. Knowing how to meet these inevitable provocative events will, in no small measure, determine the overall quality of your aging life.

Mindfulness recognizes and honours these three invitations through its definition of paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, to all you experience with an attitude of acceptance and non-judgment. It is a simple concept to understand but requires training to enjoy its benefits.

Mindfulness and Jungian psychology do not promise to transcend human existence. Instead, they offer a proven learning process to transform your awareness, experience, and relationship of moment-to-moment events and encounters, especially those of a more challenging, sorrowful, or painful nature.

COVID-19 brought the reality of life’s fragility and time-limited nature into glaring focus. During the pandemic, I elected to share with a broader audience what I had gleaned from my personal and professional experiences by writing a book titled Moonlight Serenade: Embracing Aging Mindfully.

Weaving together the benefits of mindfulness meditation and Jungian psychology, I articulate a path to meet aging years boldly, confidently, and wholeheartedly.

Through an unflinchingly honest but compassionate tone, I guide the reader in developing and cultivating a personal practice of mindfulness awareness. In addition, through Jungian psychology exercises, I advocate for the reader to explore and experience an attitudinal transformation of their relationship to aging life.

The title of my book envisions moonlight as an archetypal motif representing and illuminating the aging years. Mindfulness meditation and Jungian psychology practices are self-sung serenades, encouraging you to lovingly court and support yourself through this natural, inevitable, often trying but potentially rewarding process beginning in this present moment.

Hanging on my wall at home is a wood-carved Coast Salish First Nations mask titled “The Man Who Bumped Into The Spirit.” It depicts a human face with the left side looking very much alive, its eye open and mouth slightly upturned in a contented, calm, and satisfied expression. In contrast, the right side is incapacitated with a paralyzed and painfully contorted look that includes a closed eye, flared nostril, and droopy mouth. While the art piece is ambiguous as to which side has “bumped into the spirit,” there is no doubt that the man’s life is altered in a comparatively dramatic manner through his encounter with powerful energy.

I see the contrasting images of contented versus contorted expressions within this one individual as highlighting your choice in how you are going to meet your aging years. While this is your life, and you are free to choose, I have always interpreted the left-sided aliveness as touching the spirit of mindfulness and Jungian individuation, exemplifying the quiet confidence of composure, calm, trust, and confidence that I associate with these intentions.

Learning how to live the adventure of an authentic life is not easy, and in truth, at times, I have found it challenging. However, based on my life explorations, as I enter my eighth decade, I believe this is a way of being that facilitates meeting advancing years in a healthy, resilient, and more satisfying manner. To this claim, I offer the wise words of an unknown Tibetan poet whose suggestion for a good life mirrors the gifts of mindfulness and Jungian psychology practices. In each moment, all we have and what proves to be all we need is:

[Adapted from Moonlight Serenade: Embracing Aging Mindfully, by Gordon Wallace]

You may also enjoy reading Interview: Dr. Christiane Northrup & Kate Northrup | The New Conversation, by Kristen Noel.

The post The Gifts of Aging Mindfully and Consciously appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

A ‘visual perceiver’ shares how we can improve communication and deepen our relationships by recognizing the different ways we process information

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Sitting in the white tiled kitchen of the airy house we rented in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, it struck me that I think differently from others, and that my thoughts are formed from taking in the visualization of pictures and imagery. It was a true ‘aha’ moment, the kind of moment that leaves you almost dizzy with disbelief.

It had been a long day of meetings in my then-corporate career of business intelligence, and my colleague and I were attempting to wrap things up. As we went over the day’s meetings, we were just not able to get on the same page. I had no clue what conversations he was referring to, and he couldn’t understand why I kept describing the way things ‘looked’ in the meetings, yet I was incapable of remembering what he considered to be important facts.

“The meeting where the minister spoke about the new transport infrastructure plans,” he said, frustrated.

All the meetings seemed to melt into one for me at this point.

“What? The one whose office had mustard yellow curtains and where his assistant kept glancing over at him to make sure he was ok with where the meeting was going? Is that the one you’re referring to?” I replied.

“I’ve got no idea what the office looked like, but when we were there, we discussed…” he said.

And on and on we went trying to understand each other’s thought process.

About half an hour and two coffees into it, something clicked, and I asked him, “So you don’t ‘see’ any pictures in your mind when you’re thinking?’

“No, why would I see a picture? I just think,” he quipped back.

“Oh ok, I get it… but when you think, you’re seeing the words in your mind? Like pages out of a book or subtitles on a screen?” I questioned.

“No, I don’t see anything.”

He didn’t see anything. How was that even a thing? But there it was. My thoughts came in the form of pictures. His did not.

To some this may seem obvious; of course everyone thinks in a different way from each other, but do we really acknowledge this on a day-to-day basis? Do we walk through life asking each other, “how are you seeing this?”

The answer of course is no. We are not taught to ask our colleagues, partners, or even kids this question. Which is one of the reasons communications can be so challenging, especially for people who are neurodivergent.

We tend to believe that if someone isn’t seeing the world the way we do, or receiving information the way we do, that they are wrong, or we are wrong. Either way, someone is right, and someone is wrong.

In my conversation with my colleague, who was right? Who was wrong? Or were we just different?

I should mention that I was country director for the agency I worked with, so my neurodivergence hadn’t hindered me professionally. In fact, it was what gave me a hidden talent that didn’t come easily to others.

See, my capacity to think in pictures meant that I could always picture in my mind all possible scenarios for every meeting, conversation, and choice, and therefore I was prepared for all of them. Where my colleagues and workers would be caught on the spot, I never was because what people thought was my ability to think on my feet was actually me being 10 steps ahead of everyone else.

People who are on the Autism spectrum often think visually, in pictures, and this is one of their many superpowers. They also have the ability for hyper focus which allows them to home in on details. When you combine these two abilities you are armed with a person who can take an idea from concept to fruition, knowing every step in between.

The way to do this in daily practice is by asking questions such as,

What do I know here?

What else is possible here that I haven’t considered?

What is required here for this to work?

What am I perceiving with this?

What information is relevant here?

By asking these questions you shift your perspective from a closed one to a more open one, thus the trajectory of where your heading begins to change and expand.

Most of us are taught from a very young age to find the answers that will get us the results we are looking for in school, life, work, and even relationships. So, when we are told to do things a certain way, most of the population accepts it as fact and does what they’re told.

The ones who create beyond the norm though, are the ones who don’t accept these realities as fact and are in a state of curiosity and question about everything.

Neurodivergent people have the ability to be in question about everything because they have had to be since they were little. Where school may be easy for a neurotypical child for example, the neurodiverse child must be in question about, “What are we supposed to be doing here? What does the teacher require? How is everyone seeing this? What do I need to deliver?” This then can quickly expand into “Why are we doing it this way?” And “Is there an easier way to do this?”

What if being in question about everything is one of the most evolved ways of functioning? Would you be willing to start asking questions about how the people around you function, how they think and receive information, what ideas they may have, and what you also know that you may have not tapped into yet? Or were you taught, like many of us were, that asking too many questions means you weren’t smart enough to get it the first time around, or that you would annoy the people around you?

However, if there were no right or wrong way of thinking or receiving information, would you be willing to ask more questions? What would you choose to be curious about? Which areas of your life have you concluded that you have the right answers for, or that you’re no good in? If you were to begin asking questions about those parts of your life, could that create an improvement, some change, and perhaps an increased sense of peace and ease?

What if you were to view the world through the eyes of curiosity and question?

You might find that you have more talents and abilities than you know!

You may also enjoy reading How to Use Enneagrams to Find Your Best Self, by Stacy Walden.

The post Thinking in Pictures: Embracing Our Unique Ways of Perceiving the World appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

A 30-year quest reveals some common and even surprising qualities shared by the leading spiritual teachers of our time

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In 1992, I set out on a mission to interview as many spiritual teachers and gurus as I possibly could. I wanted to find out what they were really like, and what wisdom they could impart to me. My 30-year quest has led me to interview everyone from Deepak Chopra, Oprah, and the Dalai Lama, to now-deceased spiritual giants such as Mother Teresa, Wayne Dyer, and Ram Dass. Eventually, I turned these interviews into a podcast, Awareness Explorers, in which I continue to talk to popular teachers such as Byron Katie, Adyashanti, Marianne Williamson, and Rupert Spira. 

After 100 such interviews, I’ve learned many lessons and observed certain traits that virtually all these wise beings have in common. In my latest book, The Enlightenment Project, I describe many of the lessons, methods, and personal anecdotes I received from these spiritual luminaries. In this article, I hope to give you a brief taste of some of what I learned from my unique adventures.

What Spiritual Giants All Share

Although famous teachers are sometimes put on a pedestal for being “superhuman,” it has actually been their simple humanity and kindness that has had the most impact on me. Case in point, in the 1990’s I was on The Oprah Show on several occasions for books I had written. The first time I was on her show, Oprah came up to me during the commercial and told me how much she liked reading about the love I had for my dog, Rama. She then asked how Rama was doing. At the time, Rama was having weekly seizures, and I was very worried about him. Upon hearing that, Oprah said, “Oh that’s horrible; I’ll be sure to pray for him.” That was our entire off camera conversation that day.

Well, two years later I’m on Oprah’s show again and, during the commercial she comes up to me and says, “Good to see you again Jonathan; how’s Rama?” It made no sense to me that Oprah, one of the most powerful and loved women on the planet, would remember a 10-second conversation from two years ago. I responded quizzically, “Who’s Rama?”

Oprah answered, “Rama is your dog. He was having seizures and I prayed for him. How’s he doing?” Her answer made my mind melt. I stammered, “Better, much better.” Oprah seemed relieved, and I was impressed that such a powerful and wonderful teacher would follow through with her kind gesture of praying for my beloved doggie.

As I reminisce about the time I’ve spent with various teachers, perhaps the first thing that stands out is their consistent kindness.

Time and time again, the people I interviewed displayed little acts of kindness that touched my heart deeply. For example, Dr. Wayne Dyer would always go out of his way to give me useful advice. Ram Dass, the author of Be Here Now, never failed to give heartfelt answers to letters I had written to him. Obviously, such famous teachers are extremely busy, but they prioritized kindness and personal connection—despite how much they had going in their lives.

Other traits I consistently witnessed in the teachers I interviewed were humility, a sense of humor, and a deep sense of presence.

No doubt it is hard to be humble when everyone you meet believes you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. Yet somehow the 100 people I interviewed all seemed to display such humility. Indeed, I have often asked such teachers how they managed to feel humble despite being so well-known and well-regarded by millions.

Their answers have varied. The late Mother Teresa felt like everyone was an equal child of God and was very aware of her own “many sins.” On the other hand, the American spiritual master, Adyashanti, simply explained that there is little ego left in him due to Grace, and it is only the ego that lacks humility. Ram Dass described how, when people compliment him on some wonderful trait he has, he simply silently thanks whoever in his past was most responsible for instilling that particular trait in him. By seeing how he had been graced by the help and wisdom of so many others, Ram Dass was able to tap into feeling truly humble and grateful.

As I mentioned earlier, another trait that so many spiritual giants shared was a good sense of humor.

When people would ask me what it was like interviewing The Dalai Lama, I said it was like being with the playfulness of a five-year-old child, mixed with the wisdom and heart of a saint. 

When I asked The Dalai Lama what advice he had for people who are in conflict, he said, “Ah, I have an ancient Tibetan Talisman I will show you that will help.” Then he left the room to retrieve this magical object. Upon his return, The Dalai Lama told me to close my eyes, then said, “I am now wearing this Talisman that will help end all conflict between people.” Upon opening my eyes, The Dalai Lama was wearing a big red Bozo nose. He started laughing uproariously. Finally, he stated, “It’s almost impossible to be in conflict if someone is wearing one of these noses.” We shared a long, deep laugh together.

The last trait I will mention that renowned spiritual leaders seemed to all share was a deep sense of presence.

It’s a wonderful feeling to have someone’s complete and undivided attention. In a world in which undivided attention is so rare, such presence always felt like a heart-warming gift. 

Although each of the spiritual leaders I got to know were very sincere and displayed great kindness, humor, humility, and presence, they also had very human faults.

Many people assume that spiritual leaders and people who are “enlightened” should be perfect human beings. They are not. For better or worse, they are very much human. For example, I noticed that Mother Teresa seemed sad and disorganized; Ram Dass didn’t seem to take good care of his body (which eventually led to a stroke); and Sai Baba (and many other gurus) have been accused of sexual impropriety. 

However, just because someone isn’t perfect or sometimes displays crude behavior doesn’t mean what they have to offer isn’t pure gold. In fact, seeing that many teachers were flawed human beings with messy lives actually inspired me. After all, if they could display such wisdom and lofty behavior while being highly imperfect, then maybe so could I.

Lessons Learned

People have often asked me what important insights I’ve learned from meeting so many spiritual teachers. In The Enlightenment Project, I go into detail about 40 specific lessons I’ve learned, ranging from secret consciousness techniques to spiritual ways to handle your job and your money. Yet, perhaps the most striking thing I noticed was how each teacher had, through experimentation, found some method for tapping into an inner peace that powerfully worked for them.

Amazingly, the technique that transformed their life was little known — or had even been invented by them. Therefore, in my latest book, I describe many of these ingenious approaches to tapping into inner peace, joy, and transcendence. In my own experience, I found many of the techniques I gathered from these teachers to be truly life-transforming.

One surprising lesson I learned was that my intention to find wisdom in others was even more important than who I was interviewing.

Here’s a brief and funny story that illustrates this point: Many years ago, I led a spiritual group of 30 students who would watch movies that conveyed a powerful spiritual message. After they’d watch a movie, I’d have them write down what they learned. During one week, I was going to be away, so I gave what I thought was the movie, Gandhi, to a friend to play for this group of people. Little did I know, but the actual movie in the DVD sleeve was the movie, Men in Black 2.

In case you haven’t seen it, Men in Black 2 was blasted by critics and audiences alike for being both stupid and boring. However, this group of people were conditioned to see the “profound message” within any movie I presented to them. Evidently, their intention to see something profound in Men in Black 2 overwhelmed the inanity of the actual movie. Virtually everyone wrote glowing reviews of what they had learned from the film. One participant even reported, “Men in Black 2’s message has dramatically impacted how I see the world in a positive way. It was transformative.” 

The reason I tell you this story is because it shows how powerful an intention to learn can be in affecting how we view or experience something.

After a while, I learned that it was largely my level of reverence and respect for these teachers that was leading me to get so much value from hearing their words. As an experiment, when I imagined my wife or my friends as great spiritual beings emanating pearls of wisdom, I felt similarly “filled-up” and inspired by their words. Try it for yourself. Just imagine that each person you meet or spend time with is divinely sent to teach you some important lesson or wisdom. If you do that, you’ll see that lessons are always available if you’re open enough to receive them.

A final lesson I learned from my many interviews was that, as Deepak Chopra stated, “We are all really spiritual beings having a temporary human experience.” It’s easy to forget that as we get lost in our day-to-day struggles. In one interview I had with a famous guru named Poonjaji, he asked me who I was when I sat down next to him. I said, “I’m Jonathan Robinson.” He just laughed, then asked again, “Who are you really?” I answered him with a list such as, “I’m an author, a husband, a man, an American, and many other roles I play. With each answer, Poonjaji just kept on laughing. Then, I noticed that there seemed to be light emanating from his joyful eyes. That caught my attention and I just quietly stared into his eyes.

The next thing I knew, I felt a wave of love wash over me that was so strong that it left me sobbing in his lap. As I quietly cried tears of joy in Poonjaji’s lap, he patted me on the head and said, “This love and this peace you feel now is who you really are, and your job in life is to find your way back to it as best you can.”  To this day, I am inspired by this great teacher’s words to me while I cried in his lap. Our job in life is to find our way back to the peace and love within. Fortunately, we live in an age where there are many teachers that can point the way, and many ingenious methods that can help us find our true, eternal selves. It really comes down to priorities — and intention. By learning from great teachers, books, or even the people in our daily lives, we open the door to a life of greater depth, meaning, and love.

You may also enjoy reading Yogananda & Me: The Human Story of a Spiritual Guru, by Philip Goldberg.

The post Life Lessons: What I Learned from Interviewing 100 Famous Spiritual Teachers appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

Astrology can teach us much about our past, and even our future…so can it be applied to predict the path of our health over time?

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It was during my medical residency training in New York City when I first started looking for some sort of guidebook for life. It was the 1990’s during the early days of the HIV pandemic. I was a young doctor feeling unsure of the effectiveness of my profession. Wandering around the city pondering my situation, I became aware that Manhattan offered pedestrian counselors, such as psychics, tarot card, and palm readers who had make-shift offices in the street. Surely, they had different perspectives on life. It was then that I started to seek advice in unconventional places to gain insight into my life’s path.

New York City represented an intersection. It’s where I became a doctor but continued to look for something more. I took a detour, but little did I know that detour would eventually lead me in the right direction.

In 1997, I left a medical group in Fort Myers, Florida to start a new job in Miami Beach that allowed me to practice medicine and also enjoy free time. That is when I learned about Iris, an intuitive astrologer, who would become my teacher and friend. I also met a small group of people who were starting new lives in Miami. We all met because of a sign: “Yoga on the beach, 6 p.m.”

In one yoga session, while discussing her budding business venture, my friend Fiona told me, “I go to Iris every year to get business advice and ask about people I know.” For years, Fiona consulted with this intuitive astrologer to gain insight into her immediate future. She asked about different job and investment prospects, whether business and personal relationships were viable or not, and even about the timing of certain activities. Fiona described Iris as an astrologer who seemed to be able to answer practical and specific questions on a regular basis.

What Fiona described was like an annual health exam with a family doctor to ensure a healthy and productive life, but with an intuitive. As a physician, a yearly checkup made sense to me, but with regard to a psychic who was an astrologer? I had to check this out.

A few months after I found out about Iris, I booked a reading with her to get more details about my life and to see how she worked. While she constructed my astrological chart, I looked around her office. The only furniture was her desk and two chairs besides hers. Family pictures were placed in the corner on her right. Her greeting started with a monologue. She explained that she was warming up and getting to a heightened state. She told me that the best way to use her skills was just to listen and give short answers when asked. And to “write it down.” Then she explained, “I’m going to check dates to see if I’m analyzing your chart or if I need to correct the math. What happened when you were six or seven years old?”

I replied, “My family moved from the Philippines to the United States.”

“The move with your family changed your destiny. Different locations, different people will give different influences, good or bad, depending on the environment and opportunities presented. We’re like plants. If someone takes care of us, we can do well. If we’re neglected, we won’t. An orchid would thrive in Miami but won’t do well in the desert unless tended to. But it also depends on your constitution, what your character is.”

Iris then inquired about several other dates which coincided with my graduation from college, medical school, and my move to New York City to complete medical training. I wanted to ask questions about how she determined the dates of important events in my life. However, I kept silent because I didn’t want to disrupt her train of thought. As if reading my mind, Iris said, “The astrologer reads you. The psychic becomes you. I confirm what I see with astrology. I think I got you. The time of birth you gave me was a little off, but I think I rectified your chart. I ask people to give me the time that’s written on the birth certificate. Sometimes that’s different from what the mother remembers. In some countries, they don’t even document the time of birth. Then, I ask questions to see if important events occurred when the chart shows something would’ve happened. That’s how I make sure I’m reading you. By confirming dates in your life, I see if the time of birth that you gave me is correct or if I need to rectify it.

By sitting with her on a one-to-one private reading, I thought that I would get clues as to how she analyzed the horoscope, but I couldn’t follow how her mind worked. I couldn’t identify the patterns on the horoscope that directed her questions. Early in the reading, I stopped trying to see where on the chart she was getting information. I just listened and took notes. What she had to say about my life was equally as interesting as her process.

I likened Iris’s method of explaining a chart to my job as a doctor describing the course of medical disease to my patient. If he or she had a stroke, I might say, “You eat more than enough, and you likely prefer rich food. As you got older, the tendency to develop high cholesterol levels and high blood pressure manifested so that even with exercise and medication, your arteries still built up a lot of cholesterol plaque. You have the genetic predisposition for a cerebrovascular accident (stroke), but it’s your environment, having access to rich food, and the habits that you’ve developed that manifested your stroke.”

As a doctor, I studied how a disease progressed and the possible ways it manifested, but I didn’t know when organ damage would appear. I didn’t know when the heart attack or stroke would happen until the conditions became symptomatic. I only treated the symptoms.

Iris had studied what the planets and the different combinations meant from the information passed down from the collective observations of ancient astrologers. She took the birth data of where the planets were located from an ephemeris and then plotted them on an astrological chart. From this astrologic map she was able to explain which tendencies would likely manifest in a person’s life — and when.

Iris stated, “Astrology is the map of your potential.”

She described the trajectory of my past experiences and how the astrological chart confirmed the choices I made toward higher education. She went on to say, “Your chart is like a roadmap in time with the starting point being the date, time, and place of your birth. And the planets in the sky don’t just stay in one place. As they move in their orbits, I also calculate how the planets revolve in a progressed chart that will also reflect the changes in your life. The planets will move through the twelve different houses in your horoscope and continue to describe how you are changing, how you are maturing in your relationships, work, and even in your home life.”

The ephemeris is a book that lists dates, times, and locations (constellations) where the planets are located for a specific period of time. The dates Iris determined to be significant in my life were road signs indicated by specific placement and/or interactions of the planets in the map of my life.

The natal horoscope was a map of the planets at the time, day, and location of my birth. The progressed chart mirrored the orbits of those planets over the lifetime of the individual and assisted with the timing of significant events.

Astrology can be described as a GPS, a global positioning system, a tool that can provide navigation and timing of a person’s life experiences by the position of the planets. But the GPS is dependent on the skill of the map reader, the astrologer.

Iris said, “To confirm what I’m seeing for the future, I have to make sure I got your past right.”

Iris explained, “Astrology helps you to become aware of your strengths, weaknesses, and options, so you can make better choices. All the planets contribute to your character. Your Moon and Venus in the tenth house shows that you have a pleasant demeanor, but you also have an aggressive nature with ambitious Mars in its own sign of Aries, living in the eighth house of transformation. You’re flexible and can be accommodating, but you’re not a pushover. You have Saturn in your fifth house of children, creativity, and intellect. Your Saturn gives you a strong sense of discipline to overcome obstacles, to learn the lessons that he presents to you. It was hard, but didn’t you finish medical school? There’s a give and take in life; you can’t have everything. Saturn also represents limitations and is living in the fifth house, which also represents children. Children are a kind of creativity. It’ll be hard for you to have kids. It’s not that you can’t have children, but there would be obstacles. Are you in a relationship now? Are you interested in pursuing one?”

“No. I had an accident at eight years old and I sustained many internal injuries so I have adhesions that could complicate pregnancy.”

“How you live your life also depends on your environment. Not just location but who you surround yourself with. You go to astrology classes. You’re here now. You’re asking questions. This is where you’re putting your efforts. Not everybody is supposed to have kids. Not everyone can be a doctor.”

The reading with Iris was like an analytic psychotherapy session, but using the shortcut of astrology to get to the point in one visit.

She homed in on an internal struggle that caused me anxiety but that I had successfully deflected from my consciousness.

My parents realized that through education all their children would achieve a better life than they themselves had. They still held the traditional ideals and wanted their children to get married and have children. I held those ideals also, so much so that when I was eighteen, I had the unrealistic expectation that by the age of twenty-five I would have five children and be in medical school. There was no question in my mind that I would be married as well.

Reality kept getting in the way. After getting established with my career, my attention kept getting sidetracked to more interesting topics, such as how intuitives functioned. During the reading with Iris, I became aware of a part of myself I had not been conscious of. I had told myself, it’s okay. I had time. My biological clock was not ticking yet. Iris’s seemingly innocent comment, “Not everybody is supposed to have kids,” hit a chord with me.

Later that afternoon, as I walked on the beach, I thought about what she said. I’d been fooling myself into thinking that I could have it all—a family life, a career, and an unfettered life exploring the esoteric arts. The family life that I laid out as an eighteen-year-old was never going to get off the back burner, but a part of me didn’t want to let it go. I still held onto the convictions of my younger self.

Unconsciously, I was trying to keep a promise to my eighteen-year-old self whose worldview I had outgrown. Iris brought into the forefront my internal struggle and allowed me to accept that marriage and a family were not the answer to my question of “What’s next?”

The concept that what is happening in the sky can explain what has happened in the past and provide future possibilities for an individual’s life is hard to accept unless you experience it.

Astrology, just like medicine and other sciences, has fundamental rules, which means it can be learned. Interpretation and prediction follow guidelines. Once I started studying the subject, the prediction aspect of astrology became less and less like magic.

I share my experiences told through the lens of astrology in my memoir, Open for Interpretation: A Doctor’s Journey into Astrology, because I feel that astrology can be helpful for any individual who wants to learn about themselves, whether they become a student of the subject or seek professional advice. 

—

Open for Interpretation: A Doctor’s Journey into Astrology will be available in June, 2023. Alicia Blando, MD can be contacted at aliciablando.com.

You may also enjoy reading Mercury Rising: Understanding Mercury Retrograde, by McGuirk.

The post Written In the Stars: Merging Astrology with Medical Science to Create a More Predictive Health Model appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

When a sudden, thunderous storm knocks out power, a concert is transformed into a spiritual experience

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The most extraordinary experiences are not necessarily orchestrated as such. Sometimes the Universe intervenes to transform a typical event into a transcendent one and we are left looking back, thinking Wow — I’m not quite sure what happened there, but it was amazing!

Recently, I had such an experience.

Jack DeJohnette, pictured above, for those who may not know of him, is a legend in the world of jazz. He’s one of the most brilliant and prolific artists of the genre. Lesser known outside of jazz circles, his name often in the shadows of the other legends he has performed with — Miles Davis, Bill Evans and John Coltrane among them — Jack is wildly accomplished as a pianist and drummer, with a tremendous range that stretches from standards to experimental and even New Age. He also lives in my town of Woodstock, NY and generously offered the community his talents on the piano during a solo performance to benefit the Byrdcliffe Guild.

From the moment I first spotted the concert posters in town, I knew I was going.

The evening was set in a rustic barn, the stage illuminated by strings of tiny lights to draw attention to the piano in the middle. The usual clatter of shifting folding chairs and murmuring guests gave way to passing breeze, a gentle rain — and then kapow! With a deafening crack of thunder and a sky lit brightly by lightning, an epic storm unleashed a torrent and fierce wind which quickly took out the power. Suddenly, all was black. So black, that you could not see the person sitting next to you. No piano, no weathered beams, no anything. I toyed with opening and shutting my eyes and could see no difference at all. These were no concert special effects.

And then, amidst the stillness of the room and the tapering pitter-patter of the rain, the piano came alive.

Jack felt his way to the stage, his fingers onto the keyboard, and he started to play. And the entire room knew that they were witnessing something sublime, something spiritual — a slice of grace. The music was lush and diverse, transitioning from peaceful to arresting, foreign to familiar. But for me, the experience expanded far beyond the exceptional performance.

My late father was a jazz musician. He earned his way through college playing trombone and piano, and then set his passion aside to fall in line, working at the family business, a machine tool shop started by his grandfather and later assumed by his father. Yet, he didn’t completely closet his first love. Our home was filled with music, day and night. Every few months, it would be my chore to organize and put away the hundreds of vinyl albums that had piled up on the floor beside the stereo. And every so often, usually around the holidays, my father would sit me down with him at the piano and teach me the hauntingly lush chords of John Mehegan, who authored a series training books entitled Jazz Improvisation. I loved the sound of those chords, and they comprise my (very) limited go-to repertoire today, if ever I find my self at a piano.

So, as I’m listening to Jack DeJohnette in that dark barn, with seemingly no one around me and no source of the piano I’m hearing, in fact no distractions of any kind at all, I hear my father. He comes and sits next to me — not really in a chair so much as floating a few feet above, but close enough to touch my shoulder. And without speaking, we begin to talk. About music. Dreams. Family pains and immeasurable joys. This was a conversation I didn’t know I needed — but of course I did. I heard things I needed to hear just then, and realigned my purpose and passion in this life. I gained perspective on elements of my past, and equally on my dreams for the future. Our discourse seemed to go on without a beginning or an end, devoid of any sense of the passing of time.

And then I heard applause…the music had ended with artistic precision, my father effortlessly disappeared, and I rose to join the now-standing ovation. As I looked around, I could still see nothing, although a few people began to shine their iPhones toward the stage to shed some light on Jack, who was now standing and laughing — I believe that he, too, was transformed by the show, Mother Nature and all.

Mentally, I reentered this space and these people with a profound shift, as if my spirit had been altered, elevated, enriched. Indeed, it had. It made me think about the distractions in our lives and how they can create a kind of cloak around our awareness.

When we can eliminate distractions, we open ourselves up to receive energy on different levels.

And if we can tune into those quieter frequencies, which I believe are around us all the time — we just don’t hear them — then we can connect with deeper voices. These may be from others, or often, that voice is our own, our intuition.  And we can communicate with others on this same frequency, through prayer, telepathy or whatever name you’d like to call it — a frequency that transcends time and space.

If this sounds a bit woo-woo, know that this energetic channel is more real than our physical communication, which is often laden with bias, untruths, social or political correctness, etc. The problem is, you have to be willing to receive communication with the same tools you use to send it. You can’t send out an energy-gram and expect the reply to come in a text or phone call (although it could). But if you truly listen, you can feel the response — you simply need to develop an openness and awareness of these feelings, and trust in them. Meditation and silent walks or moments in nature are often the most effective ‘environments’ for such communication, as they are free of the louder frequency distractions of our lives.

One of the greatest paths of discovery for me of the last several years is understanding and tapping into this sixth sense (and I’m at the mere tip of the iceberg). It is available and accessible to all of us, and its only limitation is the degree to which we actually believe in its power, or even its existence. The experience of this concert performance provided a reminder to me of how real this all is — and how much more work I have to do to become one with this path of consciousness. But the joy is in the journey — as you start to tap into the power of this energy field, it is truly fun to experience the results. And who doesn’t want more fun and a sense of deeper connection in their lives?

You may also enjoy reading Jazz & Spirituality: The Mindful Music of Jazz DeJohnette, by Peter Occhiogrosso.

The post In the Dark: An Unexpectedly Spiritual Evening of Jazz with Jack DeJohnette appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Putting your kids first is a selfless act of love, but honoring your own needs and self-care is also in their best interests

—

I’ve heard it so many times: “good parents put their children first.” And, if you had asked me ten or fifteen years ago, I would have said I absolutely agree.

But here’s the thing. Since becoming a mother, I’ve learned that being a good parent requires happiness, contentedness, and a whole lot of self-care. Yes, putting our kids first is a selfless act of love that shows just how committed we are to giving them everything we think they deserve. But there’s no excuse for thinking that being a good parent means neglecting our own needs and wellbeing.

In truth, what I’ve learned is that our kids need us to be happy and healthy — in short, our best selves. 

So, if you’re ready to get started with being kind to yourself, here’s how I implemented this approach in my life and how you could do it too.

The Art of Self-Compassion

As parents, we’re often too hard on ourselves. And not just when it comes to parenting but everything else as well. When we fail to meet some set of arbitrary standards (that we made up based on our ludicrous idea of what parenting should look like), the results always consist of two elements: stress and self-doubt. And the thing is that when we’re overburdened, overworked, and lacking self-confidence, the first thing that suffers is our relationship with those we love — including our children.

So what can we do in these situations? The best way to overcome these obstacles is to show ourselves some self-compassion.

When we make a mistake or encounter difficulty, the best way to treat ourselves isn’t to be harsh or critical. Instead, we should attempt to treat ourselves like we would a friend going through a similar situation — with sympathy, patience, understanding, and encouragement. (And when our kids do something wrong — which is bound to happen sooner rather than later — it’s a good idea to employ the same kind of approach.)

You’re Only Human

Another thing that I have to constantly remind myself of is that I’m not a superhero.

Yes, my children may look at me like I am. And it’s easy to get carried away and expect ourselves to exhibit superpower-like capability and resilience. But let’s not kid ourselves – most of us are only human.

So if, like me, you need a bit of help being kind to yourself, start with being realistic. Especially when it comes to managing your responsibilities.

It’s okay if you can’t manage to prepare a homemade meal because you were too exhausted or had other things to do. Accept that you don’t always have to be in a good mood for your kids. And you certainly shouldn’t try to constantly juggle hundreds of things — after all, science shows multitasking doesn’t work. And most importantly, remember that trying to do any of these things will only make you exhausted and unfocused.

Ultimately, our children need more than distracted, stressed-out parents. They need us to be present, fresh and happy.

Keep Stress at Bay

Parenting stress is real. And the fact is, stressed-out parents lose their patience quickly. But, as always, losing your patience with the little ones isn’t the worst thing that can happen when you stop taking good care of yourself. 

Prolonged stress exposure comes with a host of consequences. In addition to harming your physical and emotional wellbeing, it can also damage your relationship with your children.

After all, think about how you feel when you see your kids struggle. Most likely, you’re anxious, irritable, and at a loss for what to do. But the pendulum swings both ways. Children who continuously witness their parents in a distraught emotional state often experience stress themselves.

Fortunately, stress management is a habit that all of us can implement in our lives (and benefit from).

For starters, to keep stress at bay, limit your exposure to negative media, thoughts and people. Do your best to focus on the good things. Prioritize restful sleep in a comfortable environment, and enjoy some much-needed cuddling time. And don’t forget to talk about your feelings with someone.

Furthermore, work together with your children to relieve stress they may experience in school and other worries they could have. In the end, stress management is something we learn from our family and peers. So, by helping your kids become better at it, you’re automatically setting them up for a healthier and happier adulthood. 

Employ Relaxation Techniques

Relaxing in a stressful environment is never easy. Especially when dealing with a toddler with frequent tantrums or a teenager in their rebellious phase.

Still, we must do what we can. 

For me, what has worked are breathing exercises (these can be particularly helpful in extremely stressful situations, during anxiety attacks, etc.), stretching, yoga, and guided imagery exercises. (And the occasional lavender-scented bubble bath with a glass of pinot grigio!)

Health Comes First

Another thing we stressed-out parents have to remember is that health comes first.

We pour so much of our energy into making sure the kids are healthy. Our reasoning and instinct tell us to do so. But, if we want to take care of our families, we need to be healthy as well.

This includes opting for a balanced diet, getting rid of bad habits (like late-night snacking on sugary treats or vaping), and being physically active.

Get Some ‘Me’ Time

Getting rest is not just about having a good night’s sleep or going on a (kids-free) mini vacation. Spending some time alone or with an adult who doesn’t cover the floor with dangerous Legos can be just as beneficial for allowing you to de-stress.

And remember, leaving the kids behind from time to time doesn’t mean you are selfish. It means that you are a human being who needs to recover and charge your batteries.

So do your best to find some time for yourself. Me, I like to read a book, watch my favorite TV show, go to the movies, or catch up with some old friends. But I also have friends who wake up at 5 am to get some quiet time and do yoga. So you do you, and remember, prioritizing yourself isn’t a parenting sin. On the contrary, it’s a requirement if you want to start being kind to yourself.

Ask for Help

Finally, as we collectively embark on our journeys to becoming better parents by taking good care of ourselves, it’s worth reminding yourself that we’re just humans. And the truth about humans is that they’re social beings. Our community is built upon helping each other out.

So don’t feel ashamed if you need to ask for help. Be it from your family members, partner, friends, or a therapist. In the end, help can come in many forms — a deep conversation, a bit of cheering up, or just someone keeping an eye on the kids and picking up after their usual “anarchy in the living room” play.

Final Thoughts

If you’re still not convinced that being a good parent starts with being kind to yourself (or you just need reminding from time to time, like I do), think of the prescribed in-flight emergency response procedures on airplanes. They always end the oxygen mask presentation by saying that you are traveling with a child, you have to secure your mask first and then assist your kid. 

In other words, we can’t help our children if we can’t breathe.  So don’t hesitate to prioritize your wellbeing. Yes, it may seem selfish from time to time. But rest assured, it’s anything but.

You may also enjoy reading 4 Critical Practices for Parents of Children Navigating Divorce, by Brandi-Ann Uyemura.

The post Being a Good Parent Starts with Being Kind to Yourself appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

Living as separate from one another, separate from nature, will end humanity; it is through love and harmony with our planet that we will thrive

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Gravity and love are two aspects of a single reality. They are the organizing principles of our precious planet and our amazing universe. Gravity holds dominion over the physical, our outer world. Love holds dominion over the metaphysical, our inner world. Gravity sustains our material existence, while love nourishes our spiritual existence. Gravity is to the body what love is to the heart, soul, and consciousness. Gravity relates to what can be measured, while love relates to what can be imagined. Gravity sustains matter; love gives it meaning. In the end, everything is held together by love.

Love is difficult to define but each of us has a sense, deep in our hearts, what it means. For me, love is the source of all positive and creative relationships. Love provides a solid foundation for family, friendship, fellowship, community, and camaraderie. Love gives birth to compassion, kindness, caring, courtesy, and cooperation. Out of love grows humanity, humility, hospitality, and harmony.

A lack of love leads to war, conflict, competition, exploitation, domination, and subjugation of people and of Nature. Militarism, the arms race, insecurity, and rivalry of all kinds arise wherever there is no love. When there is no love, then there is poverty, inequality, injustice, racial segregation, and caste or class discrimination. The dark clouds of narrow nationalism, wretched racism, and demeaning sexism are all dispelled by the light of love.

In love, we find the end of separation and isolation. In love, there is the beginning of connection and communication. Love creates union and communion.

I have found that whatever the problem, love is the only solution. Whatever the question, love is the perfect answer. The pathologies of pride, greed, anger, and fear can be treated with the healing power of love. Love is the medicine for an excess of ego and anxiety, for the disease of depression and despair. Life without love is like a well without the water, a body without the soul, or words without meaning. The true purpose of life is to love. When I exist in love, I move from greed to gratitude, from ownership to relationship, from glamour to grace, and from attachment to engagement.

I have personally been blessed and graced with unconditional, unlimited love from countless people throughout my life. All parts of my body, mind, and spirit have been nurtured by this abundance of love. My beloved life companion, June, has been a fountain of love these past fifty years. We met in the crypt of St. Martin-in-the-Fields in Trafalgar Square in London, in 1971. I fell in love at the very first sight. I was on a short visit to Europe with a return ticket in my bag. After meeting June, I canceled the ticket, gave up my life in India, and settled with June in London. We read poetry together, edited together, gardened together, cooked together, and walked together. Together with June, love in my life became a living reality.

All great teachers and social reformers from ancient times to our own age have one common theme, the theme of love. From the Buddha to Jesus Christ, from Mahavira to Mohammed, from Lao Tzu to the Dalai Lama, from Mother Theresa to Martin Luther King, from Mahatma Gandhi to Nelson Mandela, and from Joan Baez to John Lennon, they all have encapsulated their teachings in one word: Love.

Love is more than a religious or a spiritual ideal. Love is a source of nourishment to the human imagination.

Great poets and painters have always been inspired by the common narrative that is love. Shakespeare explored his passion in 154 sonnets, not to mention the countless ways he articulated the enduring power of love in his plays. From Tolstoy to Tagore, from Goethe to Goya, from Pushkin to Picasso, from Blake to Botticelli, from Rumi to Ruskin, the list of writers, poets, and artists who have been inspired and fueled by love is endless. Be it love of nature, love of a humanity, or love of God, love itself is the seed out of which the trees of literature and art have grown. It is love that feeds us at the best of times and the worst of times. And humanity is facing a time in which our very existence is under threat, a time in which love can make all the difference.

The year 2020 will be remembered as the year of COVID-19 — the year of social distancing, lockdowns, and staying indoors even when the sun was shining, the flowers were flourishing, and the birds were singing their sweet songs. I took that time of quarantine, or self-isolation, as a blessing: a time for spiritual retreat and for reflection. I read Rumi and Ha.z. I read Shakespeare’s sonnets. I read Rabindranath Tagore. I meditated upon the word quarantine, and its association with Lent. I learned that, originally, quarantine referred to the period of forty days Jesus Christ spent fasting in the desert.

Despite the opportunity for quiet reflection, I was overwhelmed to see so much suffering in the world, engulfed in an unprecedented crisis. In 2020 I was eighty-three years old, and I had never experienced such a drastic and dreadful situation in my entire life. Being in this crisis was worse than being in a state of war, which I have experienced. Wars are initiated by humans and can be controlled or ended by humans. But COVID-19 was a show of Nature’s power, far beyond human control. Many people believe that through science and technology we can conquer Nature. But through a novel coronavirus, Nature has made abundantly clear that any talk of humans conquering her is sheer human arrogance. COVID-19 reminded us in no uncertain terms about the reality of human vulnerability.

Human desire to conquer Nature comes from the belief that humans are separate from Nature, that, in fact, we enjoy a superior power.

This dualistic thinking is at the root of our inability to deal with many of the natural upheavals we face currently, such as forest fires, floods, global warming, and pandemics. We seem to believe that one way or the other we will find technological solutions to subjugate Nature and make her subservient. Rather than looking at the root causes of the virus, governments, industrialists, and scientists have taken refuge in looking for vaccines to avoid the disease. However, we need to think and act intelligently, and with greater wisdom. Rather than simply vaccinating to lessen the symptoms, we need to address the causes of the disease.

If we were to address the causes of COVID-19, rather than simply the symptoms, we would need to return to ecologically regenerative agriculture; to human-scale, local, low-carbon, and organic methods of farming. Food is not a commodity. Farming should not be motivated by financial profits. The purpose of farming is to feed people with healthy food. The end goal of agriculture is to produce nutritious food without depleting the health of the soil. Farming for profit directly or indirectly causes coronavirus!

To address the causes of COVID-19, we need to learn to live in harmony with Nature and within the laws of Nature.

Humans are as much a part of Nature as any other form of life. Therefore, living in harmony with Nature is the urgent imperative of our time and the very first lesson humans, collectively, need to learn from the COVID-19 crisis.

The second lesson is that all human actions have consequences. In the past hundred years, human activities have caused both diminishing biodiversity and increasing greenhouse gas emissions, producing climate change. Due to human activities the oceans are polluted by plastic, the soil is poisoned with artificial chemicals, and the rainforests are disappearing at an unprecedented speed. All these negative human activities are bound to result in disastrous consequences, such as floods, forest fires, and pandemics. Modern civilization has inflicted untold suffering and damage in Nature. Now we are harvesting the consequences. We must change. We must move on to build a new paradigm. To restore health to the people, we must restore health to our precious planet Earth. Healing people and healing Nature is one and the same.

With COVID-19, Nature sent us a strong message. We need to do everything we can to heal the Earth. Only positive actions will bring positive outcomes; this is the law of Karma. The trinity of Market, Money, and Materialism has ruled the modern mind for far too long. Now is the time to slow down and, with humility, listen to the voice of Nature, the voice of the Earth.

We need to replace this old trinity with a new one: the trinity of Soil, Soul, and Society. We need to welcome an Age of Ecology, an ecology of love.

Humanity needs to respond to this crisis positively and use it as an opportunity to redesign our agricultural, economic, and political systems, and our way of life. We need to learn to respect the place of wilderness. We need to learn to celebrate the abundant beauty and diversity of life. We need to realize that humans are an integral part of Nature. That what we do to Nature we do to ourselves. We are all interconnected and interrelated. We depend on each other. We are members of one Earth community and one Earthly family.

If this worldview becomes an integral part of our collective consciousness, and our love for the Earth becomes an organizing principle of mainstream society, then we will have different priorities and different values. Instead of economic growth at all costs, we will pursue the growth in the wellbeing of people and health of our planet. Poet and novelist Ben Okri wrote that “the real tragedy would be if we came through this pandemic without changing for the better. It would be as if all those deaths, all that suffering would mean nothing.”

I am aware of the obstacles. There are corporations and companies, governments and businesses who have vested interests in the status quo. Social and environmental activists have been working for many years, warning of impending crises, but it seems too often as if no one is listening.

For more than forty years I edited Resurgence & Ecologist, a British bimonthly magazine covering environmental issues, engaged activism, philosophy, arts, and ethical living. The message of Resurgence is to love: love yourself, love people, love planet, love nature. Its articles are underpinned by the spirit of love, urging social and environmental activists to shed their fear of doom and gloom and, instead, to act out of love. Act to uphold beauty and integrity.

Activism is a journey and not a destination. Love is an expression of our spirituality, our imagination, and our way of life. But love is also a practical and ecological imperative. My friend Deepak Chopra once said to me that the environment and nature are our extended bodies. The air is our breath, and the rivers and waters our circulation; if we don’t pay attention to our ecological self then we risk extinction. So it follows, apart from anything else, that love of our natural environment is a survival imperative.

[Special excerpt adapted from Radical Love, by Satish Kumar, Parallax Press 2023.]

You may also enjoy reading Emergence of a New World Order, by Barbara Ann Briggs.

The post Radical Love: Rethinking Our Relationship to Nature and Each Other appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

They say a picture is worth a thousand words; in my case, a photo revealed more than I could ever say about my wellbeing before divorce…and after

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I was going through old pictures recently and came across a photo I took in December of 2019. I had taken the photo as a “before” because I was going to start using some fancy new face cream that was sure to change my entire life and also my face. I wanted to have photographic proof of the transformation.

When I came across the photo I audibly gasped. I honestly barely even recognized it as me. And the truth is, it isn’t me anymore. My eyes are sunken and dull, my skin is pale, my hair looks unkempt and unhealthy.

December 2019 was 6 months before I finally left my partner. As the December 2019 photo reveals, my relationship had not been great for a very, very long time before December 2019.

I had a pretty boring divorce. When people ask what happened, why I left, why we didn’t work, it is sometimes hard to come up with an explanation that sounds good enough to justify blowing up a whole life. There was no adultery or addiction or abuse. But there is the photo.

For me, my vacant eyes in the photo tell everything anyone needs to know about why I left. I was emptied out. In every single way.

I took another photo in December of 2022, three years after my “before” photo of 2019. At first glance the pictures look so different it is unclear that they are of the same person. In 2022 my skin had color again, my hair is healthy, and my eyes…they’ve come back to life.

I’ve never been a drinker, I’ve never done drugs, and I didn’t follow through on using that fancy face cream. What I did do was leave. That is the change that occurred between the before and after photo. Leaving was the best choice I’ve ever made. It was the best choice for my ex and my kids too. All of us are living in happy homes now.

The last three years haven’t been all high fives and happy photos. Even today isn’t that. But I wrote my book, The Shit No One Tells You About Divorce, for those people who are still in their “before.” It is written by someone who is up the road a bit and promises you there is an amazing view waiting just passed a pretty large pile of crap you have to wade through.

Here is some of my advice on how to get through that pile of crap.

EARLY DAYS

A life exploded by divorce can be very confounding. Things have gone ass over teakettle, and you aren’t sure which way is up. You aren’t sure of anything at all. And that’s okay. You don’t need all the answers today, or even tomorrow. (Next week isn’t looking super promising either.) What you do need is to plant your feet and hold on as your new normal starts to settle into place. Don’t make any sudden movements, don’t make any ill-advised purchases, whatever you do don’t call your hairdresser. Take a deep breath and trust that it’s going to be okay eventually.

Don’t

Buy/sell something big (let’s try to keep the credit rating from being exploded as well)

Text/call the ex and share your emotional turmoil (just don’t)

Lose your temper (with your ex, your kids, or the a-hole driving fifty miles an hour in the fast lane on the freeway)

Get into a serious relationship (don’t bring another poor soul into your mess)

Get bangs (you’ll scare the children)

Do

Get some therapy or coaching (probably lots)

Call/get together with your friends (this counts as therapy too)

Rage journal (the page will gather up all your anger and keep it safe for you)

Make out with a stranger (live a little)

Start moving your body more, going on walks or runs, followed by ordering takeout (balance)

THE LONG HAUL

Even after you survive the initial shock and awe from the early days of divorce there is a still a lot of work left to do. You are building an entirely new life and it is going to take some time for that life to feel worn in and comfy instead of scratchy and ill-fittingly new.

In my experience, it was the minutia of my new life that often felt like the biggest obstacle. How do I fix the sprinklers when that used to be my ex’s responsibility? How do I replace half of my stuff I lost in the split? And how do I survive the overwhelming silence when my kids are gone half the time?

None of those things were solved overnight. I took each obstacle one step at a time and had to become patient in a way I’ve never been very good at.

I had seen divorce as an end, only to discover it was merely the beginning of another very long journey.

Along the journey I found myself soaring and stumbling in equal measure, and there were a lot of days I wondered if everything actually would turn out for the better.

But they did. I know they did, because I can see it in my “After” photo. My eyes in that photo remind me how far I’ve come and how different everything is now. The change was so gradual, over so much time, I had no idea how different I looked now versus before.

Wherever you are on your particular journey, just know that you are a work in progress, and it’s okay if some days are big on enlightenment and others are big on Netflix and cry. All the stages are just pieces of you being put back together, little by little, until a whole new person is formed. That new person is waiting for you; keep heading their way. I can’t promise it’ll be easy, but I can promise it will be worth it.

You may also enjoy reading Divorcing Differently: An Intuitive Path from Untethered to Empowered, by Kristen Noel

The post Divorce: The Ultimate Skincare Routine (and Some Tips for Getting Through It) appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

Lessons learned for living a fulfilling life, from how to cultivate a positive mindset to strategies to improve future decision-making

—

As a board-certified diagnostic radiologist, I spend most of my time sitting in the dark, distinguishing between different shades of gray. I am an expert at reading complicated images and diagnosing diseases, but getting to this point wasn’t easy by any means.

The journey to becoming a physician is an arduous one. It constantly tests your resolve, putting you in stressful situation after stressful situation while sleep-deprived and frequently feeling burnt out.

How did I get through this? I analyzed myself when dealing with difficult situations and the decisions I made during those situations to see if they aligned with my values and the person I wanted to be.

In essence, was I living a good life — the life I aspired to live? When the answer was no, I reassessed my approach to each situation and made the changes necessary to ensure I was living a life I could be proud of.

I continue this approach to this day, and have since discovered seven key lessons in life that have served me well:

1. Life Isn’t Black and White

Rather, life is just like the images I interpret—with many shades of gray. Every situation has multiple sides, and it’s important to take the time to consider all perspectives before making a decision.

In life, the key to success here is to practice empathy. This means to consider and be considerate of others. Try to understand their situation, feelings, and needs. Listen to them earnestly and with an open mind.

As we say in medicine, “To Err is Human.” The vast majority of people are not malicious. Sure, there is the occasional bad apple, but in general, people do not have ill-intent and accidents happen all of the time. People are simply imperfect. So give people the benefit of the doubt and put yourself in their shoes.

2. Kindness Is the Foundation of Life

Radiologists look at thousands of images on multiple different patients every single day. Our typical day is fast-paced, trying to read as many exams as safely possible to prevent a significant delay in any single patient’s care. This makes it easy to forget that we’re reading cases on living and breathing people with real problems.

In my personal practice, I constantly remind myself that each study I read is a real person — someone’s parent, sibling, spouse, partner, child, or friend. I put conscious and subconscious biases aside on each exam I read and approach it as if it were one of my loved ones because everyone deserves this basic level of kindness.

Kindness is the foundation of life. Without it, nothing works right. How we treat others and how we interact with those around us matters.

So, always choose kindness. The phrases: “You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar” and “Do unto others as you would have done unto you” (The Golden Rule) are both excellent phrases to live by.

Outside of work, I’ve found that consistently choosing to be kind and respectful to others, regardless of who they are or what they do, pays off in life. When you are kind and treat others with respect and compassion, you build trust and earn respect. You also form deeper bonds, leading to stronger relationships.

Here’s an example that still sticks with me. One of my friends hit my car in a parking lot. Instead of jumping to anger and yelling at my friend, I paused. I accepted that “what’s done is done” and that the accident was just that — an accident. There was no malicious intent. Contrary, my friend felt terrible as I could see by the expression on his face. So, I reassured him that I knew it was not intentional and that the incident was unfortunate for both of us. Then, by working together, we were able to come to a quick resolution and found the situation actually strengthened our friendship.

Getting angry, even though it’s an easy and natural (and sometimes justifiable) way to feel, only gets in the way of a solution. You can’t un-spill a cup of coffee or un-break a window. But you can turn a negative situation into a positive memory for all parties involved by choosing to respond with kindness.

3. Gratitude Is a Game Changer

Gratitude is a wonderful and powerful emotion. It can help you stay positive during difficult times, build resilience, and enjoy the present moment more. Practicing gratitude has also been linked with increased levels of happiness and life satisfaction.

Whenever I’m faced with a potentially frustrating situation, I take a few moments to express gratitude. This, in turn, helps me choose happiness over sadness or anger. Spilled cup of coffee? “I’m grateful I can make another cup.” Knee randomly buckles and I look like an idiot in public? “I’m grateful I didn’t break anything!” Lose a loved one? “I’m so grateful for all of the wonderful memories I have had with (insert name here).”

It’s hard to feel unhappy and grateful at the same time. I’ve found expressing gratitude to be an excellent way to quickly reset my mindset from negative to positive. With gratitude, I can stop dwelling on or lamenting a problem and move on to the solution or simply move on with life. In the words of a great scholar, my grandfather, “It’s in the past.” Embrace gratitude and move on.

4. How You Act Can Change Everything for the Better

When we reflect on our lives, there are generally a handful of key moments that stand out. These moments are frequently accompanied by powerful emotions, both negative and positive, that resonate throughout our minds throughout our lives.

The positive memories are wonderful. The negative memories are generally not so wonderful. But that doesn’t have to be the case. Over time, I’ve found that how you act during a troubling situation can drastically affect everyone’s perception of the event and even influence their response. A negative experience can become neutral or even positive as a result.

My father passed away in 2019 after a difficult, nearly year-long battle with metastatic cancer. While I have sadly lost too many family members too early, this was different — it was my dad and he was only in his mid-60s and otherwise in great health.

While I am deeply saddened when I think about losing my father, I have incredibly fond memories of his last year with us because of how my family and I responded to this tragic situation. We used my dad’s diagnosis as a catalyst to reprioritize our life decisions. We created new, lasting memories and did whatever we had to do to be with and take care of him during his final days.

My father died in his own home with his two sons and daughter-in-law by his side, with all of his close family and friends visiting during his final two weeks. So, when I think about my father’s passing, my sadness is replaced by feelings of joy, admiration, and pride in how we made one of the worst possible situations for my dad more bearable.

5. Make Decisions that Minimize Future Regret

One of my goals in life is to minimize future regret. So, for the past two decades, I’ve followed my own golden rule: “Make the decision that you will regret least 30+ years from now.”

When my dad was nearing the end of his life, I had a decision to make. Do I continue working to avoid missing out on 1 to 2 weeks’ worth of income (paid time off generally doesn’t exist in most medical practices)? Or, do I work with the people in my practice to find coverage so I can be with my dad at the most important time of his life?

With college and medical school loans still looming over my head, I’m embarrassed to say that I honestly considered the options. Then I asked myself, “What option would your future self regret?” You already know the choice I made. I was there for my father and I was there for my brother, so he wouldn’t have to go through it alone.

When I reframed the question in my mind, the answer became clear. If I had chosen not to go back and be there for one of the most important people in my life during his greatest time of need, I would never forgive myself. I’m glad I made the right decision. I now look back on that time with pride rather than shame.

You know yourself better than anyone else. You know what you find important and you understand your values. Make your future self proud.

6. There Isn’t Always a Right Answer

When it comes to life-altering decisions, many of us put a lot of pressure on ourselves to make the “right” choice. But, what if there isn’t a right answer? What if the options are all equally as plausible or difficult?

In radiology, we are limited to what we see on the screen in front of us. We have to interpret what we see and make a call based on the information we have. This is when I may defer to the ordering physician and say that “clinical correlation is recommended”. In other words, more information is needed to come up with the diagnosis.

Similarly, in life, there isn’t always a right answer. You can do your best to weigh the pros and cons of each option and make an informed decision, but sometimes you just need more information. You may need to talk with friends and family, do more research, and/or get advice from professionals.

Whatever you do, don’t let the fear of making the wrong choice paralyze you. Make the best decision you can with the information that is available to you and then move on. With time, more information may become available, and you can always adjust your decision later on.

Rather than deciding between a “right” or “wrong” answer, seek the best answer for you at that moment.

7. Live Life to the Fullest

Life is too short not to live it to its fullest potential.

I see so much pathology every day. The irony of my job is that I help people by diagnosing what ails them. I see how diseases like cancer and heart disease can take someone’s life far too soon, before they’ve had the chance to enjoy the people and things they love.

I don’t want that to be you, or anyone else. So I encourage you to live your life to the fullest.

Appreciate the little things, like a sunny day or a cool breeze. Take time to spend with friends and family, enjoy the outdoors, and explore your passions. Go on that trip you’ve been putting off, and make memories along the way.

Life is too short and precious to waste away wishing you had done things differently. Life is a gift, so make the most of it!

Final Thoughts

We’re all living in a live-action “Choose Your Own Adventure” story. Every day we are faced with decisions that shape our future. How we interact with others and how we react to difficult situations ultimately determine the kind of person each of us becomes. What will that be for you?

We’re all exposed to life’s ups and downs. We face experiences that can either lead to joy and satisfaction or disappointment, worry, and stress. But life, for the most part, is what we make of it.

So, as you choose your own adventures, choose empathy over judgment, kindness over spite, and gratitude over frustration. Act with courage and integrity, and strive to make your future self proud. Remember that no two adventures are ever the same and that there isn’t always a “right” answer. Life is too short not to live it to the fullest so enjoy every moment.

Hopefully, with these lessons in mind, your life journey will be a joyful and rewarding one.

You may also enjoy reading Clearing the Path: Trusting Your Intuitive Tools to Guide You, by Diane Wilshere.

The post 7 Life Lessons I’ve Learned as a Physician appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

There is reason, and there are dreams…but what is one without the other? How limited and colorless is a life guided by reason alone?

—

Despair is all around us. As I look at the world, there are more than enough reasons to lose hope. There are days when it is easy to dread the morning, considering all that is going on. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful family, to love and be loved, but sometimes that makes things even worse. I fear for those for whom I care. What might happen to them if everything comes crashing down? There is darkness around every corner. What if the light goes out?

My father was a professor, and I followed in his footsteps, teaching for most of my life. I learned early that if I had an opinion, I needed to have evidence — facts and figures — to back it up. Just believing something was not enough. “Where’s your evidence?” “What is your reasoning?” I still think that there is a lot to be said for this approach to life.

But sometimes, reason only takes you so far. Sometimes a dream is more powerful. And dreams can transform a threatening world into a better place.

My father and I were alike in so many ways, but we saw the world in fundamentally different ways. I don’t think one needs to abandon facts and figures; dreams can build on a foundation of reason, but dreams can take you further. My father and I shared many opinions, and we had much in common, but he could never quite understand that I needed more.

Those who know me would probably be surprised to learn that I am not the person they think they know. As they see me, I am orderly, moderate, and reasonable. And this image has, in fact, helped me in my life. But they have only seen the person who lives a life of reason.

The truth is, I am a dreamer.

I don’t reject reason, but I believe there is more to life than reason can give us. Dreamers see with their hearts as well as their minds. They hear things that others don’t hear, even in silence. They notice things that others fail to see, whether something is visible to others or not. They feel the joy and pain of others. Dreamers experience the world differently than others. Does this describe you? Do you long for something better, more beautiful? Do you feel that more is possible?

When you wake up in the morning, do you see connections you cannot explain by reason alone? Do you feel the world and all its wonders? One of my teachers, Mushashi, said that everything has its own cadence, its own rhythm. We need to learn how to listen to the music around us. The major chord of a nearby lake. The minor chord of the frost that covers the meadow’s grass. And people have their own cadences too. The person from across the hall who is at peace. The person who serves you at the coffee shop, but moves in ways that reveal anxiety. Sometimes a person’s eyes can tell you about the pain that hides beneath a smile. We cannot think clearly without reason, but thinking clearly is just not enough.

The dreamer in me sees that dreams are the most powerful force in the world. Magic surrounds us. The world comes to us with so many problems. But underneath our broken society, the splintered relationships around us, are someone’s dreams.

I know that dreamers actually make the future.

Today can be lonely, hurtful, dangerous, even threatening. But tomorrow will be created by those who have the courage to dream of a new way. It has always been this way, and yet dreamers are often ridiculed, ignored, and even shunned. People fear what they don’t understand, and they don’t know how to embrace the power of dreams.

Cynics are everywhere. But cold cynicism is, in fact, weak, and it tries to hide this by being aggressive. The cynic’s understanding of the world is based on their own limitations. Don’t be bullied by the cynics around you. They will tell you that dreams are useless, that they are a waste of time. They will laugh at you, dismiss you, and if that is not enough, they will threaten you because they feel threatened by those who can dream. Bullies are slaves to their own fears and prejudices. Dreams, on the other hand, are liberating. Be strong. Believe in yourself. And dream.

Dare I say it? Hope seems unrealistic until you understand that we are the stuff of dreams.

The boss who wants to keep you in line, the politician who hopes to manipulate you — they can only do so if we give up hope, if we surrender our power to them. Together, we can make the most amazing things come to life, but only if we take a deep breath and challenge ourselves to look in new directions, to move in ways we haven’t been willing to go before.

Think of what we know from the past. Who has made a real difference? Is it the person who says that money is all that really matters? Is it the person who says that power is the key to change? What about the person who whispers in your ear that love is an illusion? Where are they today? The sad, empty lives they lead betray the shallowness of their understanding.

The greatest empires have come and gone. They have risen and fallen with the breeze. But the dreamers have changed us. Religious dreamers. Scientific dreamers. Artistic dreamers. Social dreamers. Literary dreamers. And so many more. Who knows? You could be the dreamer of tomorrow. You can change the world, if only you feel free enough to try.

Some dreams are big and others are small, but they all matter. A small dream might be to shed a habit you have that you see holding you back. Or perhaps you want to learn how to play a new musical instrument. There is no reason to discard your dream, just because it isn’t grand. But if your dream is to change the world, there is no reason to discard it just because it is grand. No dream is too small or too big.

And it doesn’t matter how old you are. You should never stop dreaming.  

Of course, having a dream is just the first step. We still need to act, to work hard to make the dream a reality. If we dream to be free of a habit or an addiction (a much more difficult goal), we still need to go through the intense, difficult process of making the change.

If your dream is to change the society around you, then you must work to inspire others with your dream. Think of Martin Luther King, Jr. saying I have a dream. He didn’t stay satisfied with having the dream. He devoted his life to realizing that dream. Even so, he died before he reached his goal.

Even with devoting hard work to achieving your dreams, not all of them will come true. But we shouldn’t draw the wrong lesson from that. We shouldn’t conclude that dreaming was wrong in the first place. Dreaming is always a good thing. It energizes us. It focuses our life energy on the future and its possibilities. If one dream doesn’t work out, then move on to a new dream. Find a new direction. Take yet another chance. A life without dreams is a life without hope, and that is barely a life at all. Don’t settle for that kind of life.

Dreaming matters, even if you don’t achieve your dream. The way we live is, in many ways, more important than the goals we choose for ourselves.

But we must choose. One might even call my belief in dreams religious. I have friends who call their dreams miracles. But no one word defines it. My father was a great man, and I owe him so much for his legacy of reason. My path began with him but I have gone beyond what he, in his wisdom and with his love, bequeathed to me. Everything truly great begins with a dream. And if we believe in it, we can find the energy to bring the dream to others. We must not let the light go out. We can light a spark that warms and encourages others to do the same. I am talking about the power of hope and the undeniable force of vision, combined with persistence and grit. If we can see beyond ourselves, we can make things happen. And little by little, shared dreams can become shared realities.

You may also enjoy reading Thank You Father (a Love Story, of Sorts), by Solomon Stevens.

The post Of Dreamers and Dreams: The Virtues of Passion, Heart & Hope appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 13 minutes

Is the existence of the soul a myth or a truth? How can we expand our relationship to our soul to overcome struggles and create a more fulfilling life?

—

[A special excerpt adapted from We Are All Addicts, by Carder Stout]

There has been plenty of talk of the soul in recent years—and not where you would expect it.  In his inaugural address in 2021, as he promised a bitterly divided nation that he would bring America together, President Joe Biden stated that his “whole soul is in it.” He was quoting Abraham Lincoln’s hallowed words after signing the Emancipation Proclamation in 1863, which gave those enslaved within the rebellious states freedom for the first time. In this context, is the soul synonymous with “heart” or “energy”? I guess we would have to ask President Biden to get the answer.

Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar Animation Studios released an animated film titled Soul at the end of 2020. It follows the journey of a musician who has been separated from his soul and finds his life bleak and uninspired without it. It also follows the musician’s soul into “the Great Before”—the place where souls are taught their values before entering into someone’s body. The film won the Academy Award for Best Animated Feature, and I understand why, beyond just the beauty of the film. To me, there is something oddly familiar about the story, perhaps a confirmation of an idea many of us hold: that there is something beyond this life, whatever it may be, that plays a role in shaping who we are. It is an ancient, archetypal story that has been passed from generation to generation since our earliest days. I wonder if this means that it’s true.

The soul is clearly in the zeitgeist right now. Not in a religious framework, mind you, but one of more universal appeal. When we hear about the soul, many of us nod our heads, even though we may not have our own specific understanding of what it is, exactly, or if we even have one. When I bring up the soul to my patients (which is quite often), the usual response is sheepishness or indecision, as if to say, I know I should be paying more attention to this, but I’m not sure what to think.

When asked to give my opinion of the soul, I do so with enthusiasm and confidence. I believe that my opinion is more of a knowing—an intuitive and decisive point of view honed by years of inquiry and examination. You see, the entire foundation of my spiritual practice is that my soul is real. It is not an animated character, a hyperbolic concept, or some bit of dogma, but an intelligent, conscious entity that resides within me. (And, by the way, I get this information directly from my soul. I am not making this up.)

Yes, I speak with my soul every day—multiple times per day, actually. And my soul speaks back to me. No, I am not delusional; I am simply listening deep within for a response.

My soul communicates in the form of thoughts, feelings, inspired moments, intuitive perceptions, passionate energy, images in my mind, dreams, and compassion. Without this relationship, I would be a very different person—still lost, perhaps.

Much of my life, prior to connecting with my soul, can be summed up as a whirlwind of confused, negative, and self-destructive patterns. My years were filled with criticism and resentment, as I believed that the world owed me something and no one was there to guide me through it. But now I realize that my guide was always there. I had just turned my back on it—primarily because I doubted its existence. And when I found it again, everything changed.

Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Jung (1875–1961) was arguably one of the most important figures in modern-day psychology. In his seminal writings, Jung devoted much of his time to explaining the soul. He believed that the soul was a conscious element in our psyche that promoted healing and offered direction. In therapy, he focused on attempting to decipher the will of the soul and how to determine its voice.

Jung stated, “Learn your theories as well as you can, but put them aside when you touch the miracle of the living soul.” [1] 

For Jung, the soul was the center of wisdom and truth, and communing with it was the most effective way to find happiness. I credit my most transformative psychological growth to the recognition of my soul’s benevolent purpose.

Your soul is with you, always. From the moment you are born until the moment you die, the soul is wrapped around the core of your being. You come into the world without any separation between your soul and your mind. The soul is pure consciousness untethered to human experience. It is our essence undiluted or altered by the experiences we have as humans. 

Unfortunately, as we mature and develop our cognitive function, this state of being is lost. Most of us forget these primal moments of peace as we navigate the complications of a busy world. When we feel emotional pain for the first time and doubt creeps into our emerging psyche, our relationship with the soul begins to fray.

It is mostly fear that fuels the counterpoint to the soul: the ego.

The ego is formed through the distillation of our lived experience, most of it challenging and difficult, as a protective mechanism to ward off anything perceived as dangerous. There are many definitions of the ego out there. For the purposes of this book, the ego is the lens through which we see ourselves and make sense of others we encounter along the way. It is a compilation of the many ways we feel about ourselves. It is an amalgamation of our thoughts, feelings, and experiences throughout life and the determinations we embody according to them. It is where we store our insecurity, judgment, anger, and confusion, which are fed by the interactions we have and the information we consume. The ego houses intergenerational trauma—pain that our parents, our parents’ parents, and others through our ancestry have left unprocessed or unresolved and passed to us, whether by familial conflict, communication breakdowns, parental warmth or lack thereof, and so on. [2]

Groups that were historically brutalized, subjugated, or marginalized by more dominant groups tend to have a higher incidence of intergenerational trauma, which leads to higher rates of addiction through the generations. Examples of these groups include African Americans in the United States who were subjected to enslavement, Native Americans who endured forced assimilation or annihilation, and those throughout the world who encountered colonization. [3]

Parents who were abused or traumatized may also pass an emotional burden to their children, so intergenerational trauma can start at any point in a family history.

Even when we attempt to put the heavy weight of the past aside, when we look around the world and recognize the human suffering taking place—including the amount of fighting still required to achieve basic human and civil rights for all—it seems only natural that the ego becomes jaded with negativity and mistrust.

The ego is a direct product of the pain we encounter.

The consternations of survival overwhelm us and disrupt our communication with the soul. Ego consciousness is present in all human beings, and for the most part, we are unaware that it exists. Most of us are an embodiment of ego and no longer function with the soul as our guide, and because of this we are in a constant state of regression. This may be remedied by a simple reminder of what you already know.

The soul is your biggest asset. It is the most powerful healing apparatus that exists. In fact, its very structure is created to mend what is broken in you.

Psychologically, there is nothing that the soul cannot fix. Its primary function is to help you grow, evolve, and realize your most potent and actualized self. It is your greatest teacher and your most enthusiastic cheerleader that perpetually forgives you for your flaws and misdeeds. It is playful, creative, warm, and decisive. It will never recede or falter, as it is reinforced by the divine laws of the universe. I have heard people say, “My soul is damaged; my soul is broken; I need to heal my soul; my soul is suffering.” In actuality, the soul is the most resolute of all our parts. It knows no suffering or pain and can never be damaged. The soul is aware that the ego is fragile and often wounded by the tribulations of the human experiment. It offers itself as a healer, if only we ask, if only we offer it recognition. The soul appreciates recognition—not in the sense that it asks for praise or validation, but that it becomes most active when we acknowledge its presence. This is an easy thing to do.

We have soul moments every day, even if we are not aware of them. Each time we look at something beautiful and are moved by its exquisite nature, we are connecting with the soul. During these instances of appreciation, give a brief nod to the soul—perhaps a simple thank-you. When you spend time with your children, your friends, or your family and there is laughter, gratitude, and authenticity, you are having a soul moment. Take a minute to reflect that glow back to the soul.

When you feel your curiosity abounding and your mind expanding with thoughts of self-assurance and humility, your soul is present. Give your soul a quick hello. Improving your relationship with the soul, and sparking and continuing a dialogue with it, will fill you with a sense of belonging. 

Taking stock of these soul moments will help you become aware of how different they are from the ego moments. One springs from a nucleus of love, and the other from self-centered fear. Which do you prefer?

So why do so many refuse to acknowledge the soul’s existence, even as we reference it in common language all the time? Jung wrote, “People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own souls. They will practice Indian yoga and all its exercises, observe a strict regimen of diet, learn the literature of the whole world—all because they cannot get on with themselves and have not the slightest faith that anything useful could ever come out of their own souls.” [4]

Because the ego is so dominant, it attempts to negate the existence of the soul in a competitive power grab. It tries to convince us that the soul is a figment of our imagination. Our ego tells us that we must ignore our pain and rely on the mind to move rationally beyond our frailty. Unfortunately, the mind is not built with a healing function, and therefore we end up frustrated at our ineptitude at solving our own problems. Most of us have never even considered that we possess the ability to heal ourselves. Take a leap of faith with me: for a moment, choose to believe that the soul is real and has the ability to make your life infinitely better. Listen deeply. There is a voice inside you that is waiting for your acknowledgment. You may be surprised by what you hear.

You might find it curious that I am placing so much emphasis on the soul. Maybe you find it naive to think that your addictions could be cured by fostering a relationship with the soul. Skepticism is a part of human nature, but it is expressly derived from the ego. The soul is grounded in a more optimistic point of view.

I am a recovering addict. I have tried multiple different ways to address my obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions. I have endured several stints in rehabs, completed eons of therapy, and attended hundreds of twelve-step meetings. I am an expert in the field of addiction—living it, treating it, writing about it. I have found that of all the resources available to me, my own are the most effective.

Nurturing a relationship with my soul has removed all the self-destructive thoughts and tendencies from my psyche. Although other methods helped nudge me along the way, it was the development of my own spiritual practice that eliminated addiction from my mind and body.

The idea of a spiritual practice is nothing new when it comes to addiction. In fact, many people who have achieved long-term sobriety swear by it. The most widely accepted of these are the twelve-step programs offered in almost every city across the globe. 

I would never argue that there is only one path toward long-term sobriety. This would be a shortsighted and ego-minded perspective that would put limitations on other potential solutions. I am happy for those who have found success in these programs and have no judgment or criticism of them. I know that the twelve steps have been helpful to millions of people, but I found another solution that is the soul more universally applicable and easily accessible to all of us.

My therapeutic work with patients centers on the theory that we have the inner resources, strength, and wisdom to resolve our own issues. Though sometimes we need assistance in rediscovering our internal fortitude, it is always in there. Primarily, my aim is to remind you of something you already know but have forgotten along the way. That you possess everything you need to disrupt the addictive cycles inside your mind without necessarily putting blind faith in God.

Your soul is your highest power—no need to search elsewhere.

Instead of looking outward, it requires looking inward. Instead of relying on someone else to relieve our suffering, we use the healing mechanisms that we were born with. When you begin to differentiate the voice of your soul from that of your ego, you will understand what I mean.

Most of us cannot determine the difference between ego identification and the will of the soul. We vacillate between these two states of being throughout our lives. Here is a simple exercise to distinguish the two different voices—one from the ego, the other emanating from the soul.

Exercise

Type out or write down any anxious, critical, or resentful thought that you cannot seem to shake. For example, I wIll never get that job because I’m not smart enough. Look at this statement for a few seconds. See it for what it is: an old narrative that needs replacing. This is your ego filling you with doubt.

Now, cross out or erase that statement from your screen and type out the exact opposite: I will absolutely get that job because I’m smart and qualified. This is the statement coming from your soul, and it is the truthful one. Even if you don’t end up getting hired, this is the message that your soul wants you to hear. It is the loving, optimistic, and accurate one. Do you feel the difference?

Type out five different negative thoughts that have been following you around for a while. Look at them and know they need replacing; do so with their exact opposite.

You should now have a clear understanding of the different voices of the ego and the soul.

—

Footnotes

[1] Jung, C. G. Contribution to Analytical Psychology. United Kingdom: Read Books, 2008, 361.

[2] Florien Meulewaeter, Sarah S. De Pauw, and Wouter Vanderplasschen, “Mothering, Substance Use Disorders and Intergenerational Trauma Transmission: An Attachment-Based Perspective,” Frontiers in Psychiatry 10 (2019), https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00728.

3 Veronica L. Holyfield, “Addiction in the Context of Intergenerational Trauma,” Treatment Magazine, October 4, 2021, https://treatmentmagazine. com/addiction-in-the-context-of-intergenerational-trauma/.

4 Jung, C. G. Psychology and Alchemy. United Kingdom: Taylor & Francis, 2014, 41.

Excerpt adapted from We Are All Addicts by Dr. Carder Stout. Copyright © 2023 by Carder Stout. Reprinted courtesy of Viva Editions. All rights reserved.

You may also enjoy reading Soul-Voice, by Meggan Watterson.

The post The Soul and Addiction appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Sleep is a human need which we all require; so why is there so much resistance to it? I’ve learned the hard way the importance — and joy — of sleep

—

We are more powerful than we think. We can make changes in our lives that will improve our health and increase our chance of happiness. But people keep telling us that we can’t. Over the past fifty years or so, a myth has grown, telling us all that we are simply products of our environment, that we are powerless to change our lives. The story goes that we are shoved around by outside forces, things beyond our control. We wonder what can we do. The way we act, the people we love — all of this, we have been told time and time again — is beyond our control. But all of this is poison for the heart and soul.

If we look into ourselves, we know that, while we can’t control absolutely everything in our lives, we can make choices that shape our future. We can act in ways that help to create our dreams. Literally. This is something we need to celebrate.

It’s not always easy to make the decisions we need to make, but we have the power to make them. Take the example of sleep — the cornerstone of healing and foundational health. Choosing to sleep more and better seems like a relatively simple matter. But it is not, especially in America, where success is often defined by productivity.

In order to make the decision to sleep more, we need to stand up against a culture which dismisses sleep.

We are told that sleep is for lazy people. Ambitious people need to push themselves to the point of exhaustion. Most of us are raised to see success in our careers as more important than our own health or peace of mind. But I now know that the quality of our lives depends on good sleep.

A confession: I know this, because I fell into the trap of believing in the false god of career success for many years. I never got more than four or five hours of sleep a night, and sometimes less. It is hard for me to admit that I let this continue. I believed that doing my job was more important than being healthy and happy. Looking back at those years, it’s difficult for me to understand why I felt that way. But I did. I got up early and began work before other people, and then when I was home, I continued to work late into the night. Ahem, actually, I worked into the early morning.

So I’ve been there, and I’ve experienced the mistake. I chose the mistake. In fact, I am embarrassed to say that I bragged about it. I often told friends that I was just one of those people who didn’t need much sleep. I spoke with pride about working until 2:00 a.m. or 3:00 a.m. I enjoyed sending work-related emails in the middle of the night. Somehow, I made myself believe that doing this was a sign of virtue.

But the evidence was all around me that I was wrong. I just stubbornly refused to see it.

I just bought into the idea that being productive in my job was the most important thing. I was obsessed by my work. Does this sound familiar? I’m guessing that it might. A lot of us have bought into the myth that career success equals happiness.

I had read about the negative effects brought on by lack of sleep. The weight gain. Heightened blood pressure. Diabetes. A damaged immune system. The negative effect on mood. And then my weight went up. My blood pressure went up. I didn’t develop diabetes, but I probably would have if I had not made a change. I was sick more often than I had been in the past. And I found myself depressed a lot of the time. I wasn’t clinically depressed, but my spirits were low. I wasn’t fun to be around, and I just wasn’t enjoying life. And still I clung to the idea that I was born with a special gift to live well without sleep.

And then I noticed that I was actually less productive at work. I was just tired all the time. Sometimes I would drift off during a meeting. I rationalized these lapses by telling myself that the meetings were just boring. Well, to be fair, they usually were, but that’s not why I fell asleep. And sometimes I would fall asleep while working at my office desk. The lack of sleep definitely affected my productivity. And the most frightening thing was that I was often drowsy while driving. Why did it take me so long to make a change?

I hope that if you recognize yourself in my description that you don’t wait as long as I did to make a change. Have a good, long talk with yourself. Talk with your loved ones. Put your health and happiness ahead of your career. You don’t have to sacrifice your career; you just have to put it into perspective. You don’t have to give up your ambitions, your aspirations. But how valuable is career success if you lose your health and happiness?

Choosing to sleep means making the decision that sleep is crucial to your quality of life.

But it also means learning how to prepare for it on a nightly basis. The first rule is to not do all the things I did for many years. I left lights on in the bedroom. I had either the radio or the television on as I went to sleep. I would habitually check emails and texts as I lay down. I even left the sound turned on my phone, so I could hear the notifications through the night. And my biggest mistake was getting into bed, only to rehash all the day’s events in my mind — the issues I had left unresolved, the tensions with co-workers, the calendar of upcoming events and obligations. It’s a wonder that I was ever able to sleep at all.

Now I approach things differently. Understanding that sleep is a choice, I now embrace preparing for a good night’s sleep. The lights are never on. No radio. No television. My phone is plugged in, but it is turned over, so I never see any light from it, and the sound is turned off. The last thing I do (after wishing my wife good night) is clear my mind and breathe deeply for a couple of minutes. Magic. Sleep comes easily, and the dreams are good. I wake up in a good mood and well rested, ready to launch into whatever the new day holds for me.

My life is better now. I have lost 80 pounds, my blood pressure is perfect, and my immune system has improved. But the most noticeable change has been in my mood. I look forward to every day. I don’t get drowsy during the day, and to my great relief, I find that I don’t get sleepy when I drive — even on long trips. I still love my work, but I have turned down some opportunities which would have put too much pressure on me. If I hadn’t found love for a second time in my life, all of this would be good, but now it is more important than ever. By making sleep a priority, I look forward to a much longer, healthier life. Dreams can come true.

You may also enjoy reading 5 Things You Can Do to Improve the Quality of Your Sleep, by Stacy Morgan.

The post Choosing to Sleep (and Some Best Practices to Improve It) appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

No one can fix your world for you, but everything you need to find peace, power and love is within you already; you simply need tools to access it

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We live in a world where becoming powerful is defined by individuals and social standards which tend to lie outside of our own minds. We have become a society that has surrendered our connection with our own internal power base and redefined it in terms of our ability to connect with, and be part of a social system that pressures us into believing that belonging to it, and surrendering who we are to it, gives us definition, and subsequently power. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Though we are, in fact, social animals, we are first, and foremost, individuals. We are unique and specific to ourselves, and we must begin to understand that true power was born inside of us, and it is we who must understand how to connect to that power, define it, and learn to champion it.

Self-empowerment has little, if anything to do with the outside world, and those who live there.

It has everything to do with the power that is already inside you, and your willingness to do what it takes to access that power and to learn how to use it to become a loving, powerful person.

The Ten Secrets to Self-Empowerment

True inner power is standalone power. This means that its existence and its ability to evolve and continue to strengthen who you are must have a limited connection to external sources. Attempts to derive power from external sources can have a debilitating effect on inner power, because it redefines the individual based on external sources. External sources of power tend to be defined more ambiguously, so definition and subsequently, usability can suffer. Indeed, self-empowerment is an internal mechanism. Let’s take a look at the practical and actionable ways to access, define, and employ your own internal power.

1. Social Housecleaning

The first step is a social purge. This does not mean that you must cast your social life aside. It does mean that no person or mechanism outside of you should play the dominant role in pressuring you to be anyone else but yourself. You, and you alone make the decisions that will help you define your life, and your internal power. Be willing to limit your time with social media, political pressure sources, family and friends who attempt to set the course of your life for you, and any person, place, or thing, that has you focusing more on those external sources than you do on accessing the internal attributes that will help you define who you are, and how to use your own personal power base. Only you decide who and what becomes part of your life.

2. Take your life off autopilot

There are specific processes involved in establishing and maintaining your internal power base. Conscious thought and decision-making are essential. This does not happen when you are blindly following the crowd, and engaging in mindless routines which do little more than remove you from the awareness that is necessary to focus on accessing your inner strength and creating the person you want to be. Put conscious thought in everything you think about and do. Be your own personal tone-setter.

3. Slow Down

Learning to access your internal power is a deliberate process. The pace of today’s world has accelerated to the point that it robs us of our ability to efficiently gather information, make decisions based on that information, and execute those decisions. Everything you do to become a powerful person will depend on how well your plan to get there is formulated. Moving at an accelerated pace reduces your ability to think about what you are doing. Make no mistake about it, internal power is always a function of your ability to process information efficiently. Nothing good happens fast, and accessing and developing your internal power demands a slower life-pace.

4. Intellect Over Emotion

Unhealthy emotions are like an internal virus that robs us of our stability and our power. While emotions do play a vital role in human life, it’s important that those emotions are healthy, and assist you as you connect with the deeper parts of yourself. Establishing a solid internal power base is always about using your intellect before your emotions. You want to give yourself enough time to apply intelligent conscious thought to the circumstances that may become part of your life. In any situation that arises in your life, try to take a step back, and allow your emotions to engage only after your intellect has done the necessary work to guide you through what is occurring, rationally, and with your eyes set forward on the establishment of a plan to address those circumstances.

5. Fact Finding

It’s important to become a good fact finder to provide the foundation for internal power. Internal power cannot develop, and it will not continue to live inside you without the facts. Inaccurate and incomplete information is a pathway to internal weakness. Gathering the facts, and learning to apply them in your daily pursuits sets the stage for thought and action that is accurate and efficient. Get your facts from reliable sources. Be wary of word-of-mouth information, and the ‘short version’ of a story that doesn’t seem to have any connection to the facts needed to substantiate it. Always ask questions. Make sure your information is sound, and can assist you in your plans to move forward in your life. Give yourself enough time to acquire accurate information.

6. Honesty

Make honesty your best friend. The truth of the matter is that most of us really don’t want any part of real honesty. Honesty has evolved into a concept that has less to do with factual information, and more to do with emotional survival. We will do whatever it takes to protect our fragile and spurious feelings, even if it means altering the facts to meet our needs. Powerful people are honest people. They work with the facts, do not rely on defenses such as denial, rationalization, and intellectualization of faulty information. Honesty may hurt just a little bit as it challenges us to move past the weaker parts of our personalities, but if we stick with it, it becomes one of the most important weapons in our power base arsenal.

7. Embrace Change

Inner power understands that we live in a dynamic world that does not stay the same. You cannot fear change. Change is essential to growth, and growth fuels inner power. Life without change exists in self-induced safe places, that do not challenge your intellect. Inner power evolves along with an ever-changing and always dynamic world. As the external world continues to develop, change remains constant. Internal power does not fear change, takes risks, steps out of comfort zones, and seeks new avenues of learning and adaptation. Mastering the dynamics of change continues to feed internal power. Never fear change; rather, embrace the opportunity that lies within it. Take small steps, but always be willing to step out of those comfort zones. Internal power demands change, and the learning that it instigates.

8. Positive Language

We spend more time in our own heads than anywhere else in our lives. Almost everything we do is either accompanied by, or initiated by our use of language. Inner power has everything to do with the way you speak to yourself. You can energize your whole human experience by using linguistic statements that provide you with the impetus for growth, confidence, and self-esteem. Internal power has a reciprocal connection to positive energy. As you speak to yourself using positive energy, you become more powerful, and as you become more powerful, you continue to speak using positive language. Positive language helps create positive internal energy, and dramatically increases your ability to become a powerful person.

9. Wisdom/Humility/Gratitude

Wisdom sets the stage for all the learning, efficient decision-making, internal growth and fulfillment needed to establish and maintain internal power. Having wisdom means that you are connecting with life’s information physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. With wisdom, you will become a human being who never stops learning, and never assumes to have reached the point where learning is not essential. Learning fuels self-empowerment, but in order to continue learning, humility must become a part of your life.

Humility is the teacher who never relinquishes studenthood, who understands we are constantly expanding into the unknown, and embraces this journey with grace and curiosity. Wisdom requires continued learning, and humility provides the environment for that to occur.

Gratitude is a state of being which opens the gates for power and joy to flourish. It is always available, and attaches itself to everything you think, feel, and do. It lives inside you and wraps itself around your entire world, supporting and energizing you as you move forward, even if on wobbly legs.

Your ability to incorporate wisdom, humility, and gratitude in your life removes you from the tendency to slip back into weaker and more dependent ways of living. You will continue to learn, your wisdom will increase, and you will be grateful for every moment of your existence.

10. Faith

Faith is that ghost of a virtue — undefined and misaligned. When, however, it becomes part of you, your world becomes defined and aligned forever. All too often, people have a difficult time with faith because it becomes attached to God, and they don’t understand how to address that concept in their lives. Whereas faith and God are inseparable, they do not exist together until you make a conscious decision to connect them. Faith, as I am defining it, is nothing more than the ability to understand that something greater than you exists, and that by acknowledging that power, acquiescing to it and embracing it, you become part of that power source. All three of those components must occur for faith to develop in you.

It’s important to look at yourself as a limitless creation, who possesses the ability to define and understand higher-order life enterprises. This is a two-step process: First, make a decision to accept the possibility of a higher power. Second, without judgment or pretense, make an attempt to define and include that higher power into your life. If you can, you will begin to understand faith, and you will have more faith in yourself. Faith can create peaceful, indestructible inner power that will be available to you in everything you do and everything you experience for the rest of your life. Your decision to attach it to God or not, is yours and yours alone. Try not to make your difficulty with God a reason not to explore faith. The power it creates will change your life forever.

Everything you need to become more powerful is already inside you. If that were not the case, we could not have survived as a species.

Try to reduce your involvement with the external world enough to access, define, and connect to the sources inside you that will begin to create the powerful person you were meant to be. And don’t confuse power with strength. The kind of power I am referring to exists within, and in the end, will connect to the love that has been inside you all your life. This love will help you ascend to the new and wonderful higher order levels of living that have been waiting for you. When you reach the point that your love becomes spiritual and unconditional, you will have achieved the most powerful point in human existence.

Reduce the impact of the external world. Focus your attention on the power that has laid dormant inside you. Let your internal power exist inside a framework of spiritual love, and you will understand who you are and why you are here. You will have arrived. Here’s to the power inside you!

—

Faust Ruggiero is the award-winning author of The Fix Yourself Empowerment Series.

You may also enjoy reading Power Play: Redefining Your Relationship to Power, by Iman Oubou.

The post The Power Inside You: 10 Secrets to Self-Empowerment appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

This year, I vowed I would be different. As summer fades, I promised to find a way to relish the coming season as much as I did the last.

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This past weekend was our last hurrah at the beach for this year, so with heavy hearts, we went through the tedious process of closing the house in preparation for the long cold winter. Chairs were stacked, and any vestige of warm weather was stuffed in the garage.

This process is bittersweet. The welcoming buzz that fills many summer days is replaced by the peaceful isolation of empty beaches and roads. In the few occupied houses with open shades, the technicolor lights from televisions reflect in the windows. I can count on one hand how many clear summer evenings I have spent inside. Instead of watching “Dancing With The Stars,” you will find me outside in the dark, mesmerized by the stars in the night sky. Now it is a time to put the memories of this summer where they belong: in my head and heart.

Even the shops and restaurants feel this seasonal shift. Driving down the main street, the sidewalks that were recently jammed with happy families now echo with the footsteps of only a few. The workers in the winter-proofed restaurants that remain open anxiously pace in the doorways, hoping just one family might indulge in a meal.

The buildings themselves look a bit sleepy. Blinds on windows are drawn half to three-quarters of the way down, reminding me of the eyelids of a sweet baby fighting off a midday slumber. The few people you come across talk about weather predictions, cleaning, and going home instead of the summer topics of tides, sunrise, and music. It is time for the beach bear to hibernate, knowing that the world will be filled with warmth and sunshine once again before long.

We have every reason to be sad, but I also see this time as the beginning of the season of gratitude. And you can probably guess that it is my favorite time of year.

In the summer, people are in constant motion — running between barbeques, games, and fun — trying to suck every last moment out of each day. Yes, we are spending time together, but the season’s excitement leaves little time for reflection and introspection. Time slows when we come inside, sit around the table to play board games, or in front of a popping wood fire; we become more contemplative.

For many, however, this contemplation in the fall and the ensuing holidays brings about feelings of sadness, loss, and loneliness. I used to feel that too. I dreaded the quiet of the fall and the cold winter that trapped me inside. While I love spending time with close-by family, I focused on missing the family members who could not be with us due to death or circumstances.

But this year, I vowed I would be different. I promised myself that I would l look at this fall season with a fresh perspective. I needed to find a way to relish the coming season as much as I did the last. Now that time is slowing, I have the room to think about how I can improve over the next few months. I can learn to be happier, more joyful. I grabbed my happiness journal and started small. I wrote things like, “I love the smell of apple pie cooking in the oven.” Suddenly instead of bemoaning the cold nights, I looked forward to a reason to snuggle earlier. If I string together these tiny moments of joy and gratitude, I can grow these moments into days and then days into weeks; you get the point.

For me, being in nature in the fall and winter is a good reminder of my place in the world. The world is so big, and I am merely a tiny part of it, but I still want my actions and reactions to have meaning.

So, I took a slow walk in the woods with the dogs. I took notice of the beautiful colored leaves hanging on to the branches waving in the wind. I listened as my dogs ran through the brown fallen leaves. There was a smell that was part earthy and part crisp. It is amazing how those simple sounds and smells carry many vivid memories of my parents, sisters, and youth. That crunch of the dried leaves underfoot took me back to my childhood when my family spent an afternoon under the rays of the fall sun wearing warm coats and mittens. We raked the leaves in a pile and ran through them, laughing and embracing pure joy. I need to spend more time with the leaves. I already feel better about the changing season.

Then I had another idea. I decided to keep my relatives close by, literally carrying their memories on my back, arms, neck, and ears! Since we can’t physically bring our lost loved ones back, I found a way to carry them with me all season long.

I figured out how to honor these important people by incorporating them into my every day.

A summer wardrobe does not desire accessories. We eliminate the extras because, with the warm weather, we strip down to wear only what is necessary. It is too hot to put on your favorite jewelry, scarf, etc. So with the cool mornings, I decided to grab a few pieces of jewelry passed down from generation to generation. I added a gold and black embossed broach from my grandmother onto my favorite jacket and highlighted a sweater with a beaded and turquoise necklace from a favorite aunt who is no longer with us. Instead of missing them, I make these people part of my every day by wearing things that were once important to them.

Clearly, I am not the first person to ever come up with this plan. A few days later, I complimented a friend on her beautiful embroidered cape. Her entire face lit up when she said, “It belonged to my Mother.” I imagine wrapping it around herself felt like a hug. Pure happiness.

This is something we can all do. Ask family members if they have any costume (or real) jewelry, scarves, jackets, etc., you could borrow. What once was old is new again. Start a new trend by wearing vintage. I did precisely that with a beaded necklace and a stone ring, and I felt the presence of my loved ones with me all day—what a wonderful feeling.

With a renewed sense of purpose and peace, I bid a sweet farewell to summer, the beach, the hubbub of a busy street, the crowds, bare shoulders, long hours of daylight, and a fast-paced life. I think I will bake some oatmeal raisin cookies. They were my grandma’s specialty, and their smell floods me with memories I want to spend some time with.

It looks like this season will be just as good as the last, and I can abbreviate the bitter part of a bittersweet goodbye to the beach and embrace the beauty of now.

You may also enjoy reading 13 Holy Nights: Reclaiming the True Magic of the Solstice Season, by Lara J. Day.

The post The Season of Gratitude appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

For me, The Art of Peaceful Living evolved breath by breath, one tiny step at a time over many years…as a means of survival

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“To practice any art, no matter how well or how badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. So do it.”

—Kurt Vonnegut

For me, The Art of Peaceful Living came breath by breath, one small footprint at a time over the course of many years. It happened accidentally on purpose as a form of survival.

On the one hand, you can look at art as the masterpiece. The complete vision of beauty that is impossible to replicate. On the other hand, you can look at art as a process. Each tiny part carefully created with intention harmonizing with each tiny part that came about by chance (maybe even by mistake). Then somehow, the merging of the two fit perfectly into place, creating a work of art. The latter is how I discovered The Art of Peaceful Living.

Life itself is rarely peaceful.

Looking back to the beginning of my journey, stress was a common theme in my life. Over a seven-year span, between the ages of 23-30, I experienced a whirlwind of major life changes. I graduated from college, got married, started my first “real” job, got pregnant, had my first baby boy, then moved out of my home state for the first time in my life. All of this happened between the ages of 23-25. At an age where I was just learning to be an adult in the world, I found myself faced with many transitions and a lot of uncertainty.

A young mom and new military spouse, my steady life became a fast-moving train. In the next five years, I moved five times, suffered the loss of a beloved dog who was riddled with cancer at the young age of five, grieved a miscarriage that I blamed myself for, spent 11 days in the hospital with my two-year-old son who had severe complications with pneumonia, and celebrated the birth of my second baby boy. While there wasn’t much positivity or joy in any of those life moments, I can finally look back and fondly recall those hard times as The Bootcamp Years.

The Bootcamp Years of marriage take place in the first five years of marriage. This is the time when most newlywed couples learn to maintain and develop their own identity and understand and grow their new identity as one half of a couple. The Bootcamp Years of parenting take place when children are between the ages 0-5. These are the years when new parents go through the stages of pregnancy, delivery and embarking on their parenting journey.

In both cases, there is stress involved as people transition from individual to being part of a new and growing relationship.

When The Bootcamp Years of marriage and parenting occur over the same time span, stress can exponentially wear down each individual and have a significant impact on the relationship. 

It was during The Bootcamp Years that I started doing small things that fit into the hustle and bustle of my life. As a young wife and mother, I realized that when I could do something small for myself, I would feel better. To make it through the long days of parenting (mostly by myself), I began to carve out small pockets of time where I could rest, restore, and rejuvenate. Taking small bits of time, rather than trying to create big blocks of time, made taking time for myself possible. These small bits of time also kept me from feeling guilty or self-indulgent, which encouraged me to keep doing what was working. Everyone, including me, benefited from these small pockets of time.

When I look at my life today, I understand how it may appear so much more peaceful in comparison to most. The truth is, I feel stress just like everyone else. In fact, some days stress still takes over me. Even with all the tools I have gained over the years and all of the time I have invested in practice, there are times when stress gets the best of me. I have learned to put less pressure on myself when these days arise, reminding myself often that mistakes make it possible to learn and grow and create new works of art.

Struggle, practice, and creativity have engineered the palette of peaceful practices I use today.

While my palette hosts a vast offering of possibilities, I choose a few at a time to offer what is needed in the moment. I am intentional about the practices I select to bring myself into a more peaceful place and have learned that it is best to be playful rather than rigid in my approach. This wasn’t always the case. Not long ago, I did my best to do as many practices as possible and on a set schedule to make sure I had the perfect balance in each day. Guess what happened? Trying to check off the boxes left me stressed and upset!

The lesson here is that ALL things can cause you more stress, even the self-care practices that are meant to relieve it. The key is to approach your practices with a nurturing mindset. Bringing playfulness and creativity to the process will be more helpful in reducing your stress than being rigid in your approach. As you embark on your journey to practice things that will reduce stress, I recommend beginning your practices when the risk is low. When stress levels are at their highest, chances are anything you try to add into the mix will only add more stress. 

But what if you are reading this article while waving your little white flag because your stress levels are so high you need help? There is one thing you can do right now in this moment to help. Open your calendar and add some white space. Create the space to have time that isn’t scheduled or booked, time where nobody else needs your or attention. Just look at today. Where in your day can you add at least five minutes of white space to your calendar?

Once you create the space, there are so many things you can do. I will share some of my favorites. Remember, it is not going to help if you try to add all of these into your day all at once. Try one or two and see how they fit. If you like them, and they are helpful, keep them. If they don’t fit and don’t feel good, toss them for now and try something else.

Canvas for The Art of Peaceful Living

Small bits of time taken throughout the day yield more rest and less stress over time. Remember, art is about playful curiosity and creativity. Bring that to your palette as you begin to create your masterpiece.

Add White Space to Your Calendar

White space means you get to do whatever you want. It also gives you time to transition from one thing to the next. Too often, we book ourselves back-to-back. Going from one activity to the next without offering transition time increases stress levels. Transition time allows us to fully complete one thing then get in the right mindset before beginning the next. Try carving out some white space (5-15 minutes at a time) between appointments and notice how you feel with this new practice.

Mindfulness and Movement

Mindfulness is the ability to be right here, right now, in this very moment regardless of conditions. Movement improves circulation, releases endorphins, and helps release stress. Mindful movement encourages the brain to focus on the body and breath which reduces the clutter of thoughts taking up space in your mind. The three practices that have inspired mindfulness and movement in my life are yoga, Pilates, and meditation.

Gratitude Practice

Thoughts attract thoughts. When your thoughts are focused on gratitude, you will feel more peaceful and less preoccupied by the things that may overwhelm you. For example, instead of saying “I’m so busy. I don’t have any time for myself.” You could shift to gratitude and say “I am grateful for all the things I get to do today. There is plenty of time for me, too.”

Time in Nature

Nature is healing. Studies have shown that people who have a live plant in their office tend to have fewer complaints about stress. When you carve out a little time to get outside during the day, it can have a positive impact on your ability to de-stress. Try having lunch outside under a tree or taking a walk in nature. Notice how you feel when you can enjoy the fresh air and soak in some vitamin D.

Rest and Sleep

Our bodies were made to work and rest. Too often, we sacrifice sleep and rest to get more things done. When you take the time to rest and restore, you will find yourself to be more productive, because you will operate from a place of focus and restored energy.

Creating Rituals — Morning, Afternoon, and Evening

Rituals are routines we create to offer rhythm and flow at different times of the day. A morning ritual may include meditation while you sip your morning coffee, a skin care routine, and making the bed. An afternoon ritual may be as simple as making a cup of tea and walking outside or sitting in your favorite chair to enjoy it. A bedtime ritual may include dimming the lights in the house, taking a hot bath or shower, and diffusing some lavender. Experiment with the things that feel good at different times of day, then string together two or three to create a ritual. Pick one time of day to begin with rather than trying to create all three at the same time. Taking it slow will keep you from feeling stressed about rituals.

Solitude and Reflection

Time alone can nourish your spirit, especially when you have practices you can use in solitude to quiet down and rejuvenate. Reflection can be done through meditation or journaling, allowing you to assess your day and offer gratitude for all the things that went well.

As you begin to practice The Art of Peaceful Living in your life, be patient. Like all new things, it will take time and consistency for these practices to become part of your daily life. I encourage you to begin with something small, then build as you gain confidence. When in doubt, seek out someone who can support you and coach you through the process.

You may also enjoy reading Morning and Evening Rituals to Enhance Mindfulness & Positivity, by Barbara Larravee.

The post The Art of Peaceful Living appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Embracing diversity as distinct beings or cultures is not enough; living into our unity, our oneness, our common love is the basis of True Diversity

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For humanity to live a life of duality, a life of my way versus your way, of my nation versus yours, is a crime against our nature. We have deluded ourselves into believing that embracing diversity regards embracing differing religions and nations and tribes. But how can we embrace what was created by a divisive mind-matrix?

True diversity is about the beautiful and diverse tones on the spectrum of skin color, the shades of eye color, hair color, the infinite possibilities of personality and character and frame. True diversity is about including all the various sexual orientations and creative expressions of each individual on this planet. True diversity is the coexistence of all that was, is and will be. 

True diversity is the waltz of man and woman, male, female, and manifestations outside the boundaries of the gender binary, and everyone in between. True diversity is biology and transformation, identification and detachment. True diversity revolves around acceptance of the divinity and sanctity and right of each manifestation to dance in this paradigm and to resound throughout the galaxies, throughout the universe. It has nothing to do with belief or citizenship. And this is why we can never truly “embrace” diversity, this is why we exclude others, this is why we cannot fathom unity. Our definition of unity has made us unable to unify. 

The more we divide ourselves into ideological groups, and the more we align ourselves with others based on citizenship, the more we polarize ourselves and others.

Free souls liberate themselves from the chains of separation. A free soul is a transcendent non-conformist who wakes up from the hypnosis of culture and belief and dances to the pulse of all that is. The rest of us have been and continue to be profoundly conditioned to believe that our ideologies are noble, that our flags represent us, and that our societies have a duty to mould us. We attach ourselves to fear and otherness and try to imprison others alongside us. But all these self-inflicted labels only serve to perpetuate the very separation we try, but fail, to dissolve. 

The “past” and the “present” do not lie. All we need to do is look closely (and with divine courage) at what has been manifested because of our notion of separation: war, discrimination, prejudice, superiority, refugees, exploitation, gender disparity, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, religious phobias, borders of exclusivity, superiority and inferiority, and on and on.

Once we free ourselves from the matrix of us vs. them, we will finally be able to bid adieu to all the ideologies and cages which obfuscate the way of love and the way of true diversity and genuine acceptance.

We cannot force ourselves to accept others when we are taught to fear the other. And we cannot afford to continue to teach one another that divine love is conditional on what we say, what we do, what we wear or don’t wear, how we pray, who we pray to, whether we pray at all, what we read or don’t read and who we follow or reject. True diversity is not about clothing or mantras or books or holy lands or guides or sacred pilgrimages or rites. It is about the shared essence, the shared freedom of expression, the underlying creativity that glimmers in our hearts. It is about recognizing the omnipresence of holiness in all territories and in the terrain of our cores. 

You and I are one. Even though we cannot experience this oneness in the midst of all the shackles of separation and dogmas and nationalism, one thing we can all agree upon is that we come from the same source.

Life is brimming with life. We share the same essence as the stars. We all inhabit the universe. We all have a right to be here. We are the brethren of lions, gazelles, galaxies, oceans, forests and savannahs. We are all manifestations of a mysterious reality, all part of a sacred origin that can never be confined to a book or to a path or to a ritual or to an ideology or to a country or continent. It is beyond the occident and the orient, far and near, north and south. It is vaster than vastness itself, more expansive than the expanse. Our oneness, and the mystery which we are all a part of, is all that matters. 

This truth we share, this truth—unrevealed and revealed, hidden and manifested—accepts everything and everybody, excludes nothing and nobody.

And yet, we continue to reject, ostracize, restrict and punish the free souls who understand that what is undefined can never be defined, what is infinite can never be finite. Or, perhaps worse, we turn them into icons and gurus and neglect our inner guidance, the guidance that is in each of us. We turn them into saviors and package them into even more ideologies, commercial and pseudo-spiritual. 

But when we bask in the unknowing, when we are in touch with what the world presents to each of us individually for our own individual evolution, when we recognize the unified field in each of us, true diversity can finally be understood, and loved. Loved with a capital, an ever-expanding L, which has no borders and no conditions. We can finally see an end to war, crime, and all the games we play to keep us trapped in polarity.

That very moment, nay that very millisecond, when we realize that we have duped ourselves into believing that diversity is born of assimilation rather than our holy individuality, we can break free and live in love.  As of now, when we speak of diversity, may we ensure it has nothing to do with borders and beliefs and books, but everything to do with the magic of our natural differences, physical and innate. True diversity is a manifestation of the expansiveness of the Divine Reality, and it cannot live in the matrix of the divisive mind. 

You may also enjoy reading It Takes a Village: A Look at Parental Community from Africa to Your Home, by Judy Marano.

The post True Diversity vs. Embracing Diversity appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

The diagnosis of infertility is stressful and often devastating, but new techniques to calm the mind and body are improving fertility for many women

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“The mind is everything. What you think you become.”

—Buddha

Longing for a baby but being unable to have one is devastating. It seems that everyone around you is getting pregnant, but you can’t, no matter what you do. Perhaps you have been trying to conceive for what seems like forever, but still don’t have your baby. You may feel like you’ve tried everything and are losing hope. The diagnosis of infertility is stressful and often devastating—emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and sometimes financially. The infertility journey can be long and challenging; its impact on a person’s life comparable to that of catastrophic illness, such as a serious cancer diagnosis, though infertility is not typically recognized in this capacity.

Studies show the detrimental impact that ongoing stress can have on the brain, and several recent studies have found that higher levels of day-to-day stress can significantly lower chances of becoming pregnant. Stress levels increase the longer infertility troubles endure, and this is due to something we in this hypnosis field call compounding. In other words, there is a compounding cycle—stress, and the inevitable responses to it, begets more stress. This occurs on every level—mind, body, and spirit.

The Power of the Mind

The mind can have substantial impact on biological fertility and interfere in many ways we may not be consciously aware of. Infertility is a condition, but it can also be a symptom of something else. This is indicated when a treatment that should work, doesn’t. Repeatedly. The term “unexplained infertility” caught my attention early on in my work with fertility clients. It means that doctors can find no medical cause for an individual or couple’s infertility issues. Infertility can be quite complex and there are lots of unknowns, but from the hypnosis standpoint, it signals that there may be subconscious blocks which need to be addressed to clear the way to pregnancy. To natural or medically assisted conception. Even when there is a medical diagnosis, when physical impediments are indeed present, there may also be psychological influences that can prevent medical resolution.

The power of the mind is enormous, and though we may underestimate it, dismiss it, or not even believe in it, this statement is unequivocally true. The good news is that not only can we tap into and benefit from it, but that tapping into the power of the mind is a learned skill. Some people may do it naturally, or perhaps more frequently, or it may seem that it is easier for some than for others. Ultimately however, it is a skill that can be learned, practiced, and effectively employed. Hypnosis is an excellent tool for accelerating this process, facilitating relief from and release of detrimental thought patterns which can inhibit conception and/or healthy pregnancy.

Toxic Positivity

The power of the mind is often associated with the power of positive thinking, but this is not completely accurate. Thinking is the operative word, whether it’s positive or not. The power is in the thinking; either form will impress the mind and affect our experiences. Positive thinking is beneficial, but it can also be problematic when it is oversimplified or expressed in strictly black and white terms. By this I mean the concept that to create what you want, you must only think positively; that if you engage in any negative thinking whatsoever, then not only will you be unable to achieve your desires, but you will also be entirely responsible for anything unpleasant or unwanted that happens in your life. This is not true. In fact, it is impossible due to something called the negativity bias.

Our brains are genetically wired to be more aware of negative input as at one time this was essential to the survival of our species.

For example, if you look at a stick but perceive it as a snake, you are going to approach it cautiously. When you find out that the snake is only a stick, you can simply carry on, no harm done. On the other hand, if you see a snake but assume it is a stick and carelessly grab it, you could be injured or even killed. This is the negativity bias of the brain, and as the above example indicates, the negativity bias can be useful. However, because of it, we do have to put more effort into positive thinking, it’s not likely to be our default mode. Regardless, no one can think positively all the time and the insistence that we can, and especially that we should, is harmful.

There are many ways to think more positively, and there are countless self-help books and programs meant to teach you to do so. Many of these are helpful, but some really are not. The ones to beware of are the ones that push positive thinking to such an extent that people feel like a complete failure if they have any negative thoughts or cannot maintain a continuous positive outlook. This is toxic positivity—it virtually invalidates a person’s feelings, denies and dismisses emotional pain, and downright shames/blames the individual for causing their circumstances or suffering. Toxic positivity is prevalent in the infertility world, and it comes up a lot in my private practice. I have seen clients absolutely devastated because they slipped into some negative thinking and have now “ruined” their entire IVF cycle. So invested are they in the idea that positive thinking will bring about the positive outcome they desire, that any perceived deviation can cause a significant downward spiral and even panic.

Excessive Positivity Is Not Sustainable

Positive thinking is helpful and certainly something to strive toward doing more of, and there’s no denying that incessant negative thinking can be problematic, but the key here is balance. Extremes are the problem, not individual thoughts. A predominantly negative mind state is energetically toxic, and negative beliefs can cause negative responses in the body. Excessive negativity is harmful; excessive positivity is not sustainable. A positive mind state may be positive overall, but it’s not immune to negative experiences. And that’s okay. A shift in negative thinking is important, but it must be toward a more positive outlook rather than to the opposite extreme.

“Optimism goes all the way with pessimism but arrives at a point far beyond it.”

My longtime friend and colleague Dr. Scot Giles coined this phrase many years ago in his work with hypnosis and oncology. It has always stuck with me, and it relates just as well to infertility. Distressing messages such as: it will be hard to get pregnant at your age, you have old eggs, your numbers are too low (or too high), etc. can create troubling belief patterns and foster negative expectancy in the mind. However, it is a law of the mind that two conflicting thoughts cannot coexist simultaneously, and because we are the keeper of our thoughts, we can choose which type of thoughts we want and modify them appropriately. Breaking out of a debilitating struggle is completely possible, it just takes some time and effort.

The Nature of the Subconscious Mind

The subconscious mind is goal-achieving. Its very nature is to help us find that which it deems we want, therefore what we dwell on impacts us substantially. The subconscious mind is perceptive rather than rational or logical, and as such it presumes that what we are constantly thinking about is what we truly wish to have. Incessant fretting about never getting pregnant reinforces that very fear, and subconscious blocks may form in response to any perceived reasons, whether they are valid or not. Every thought or emotion has a related physical response. Strong negative emotion such as fear, anger, or frustration triggers the fight-or-flight response which causes a flood of stressor hormones to be released throughout the body. Fear-based thinking patterns result in continual stress which triggers and retriggers the fight-or-flight response. Each time this occurs, energy is syphoned from systems not necessary for survival—the reproductive system being one of them.

We do need our fight-or-flight response, just not nearly as much as we tend to experience it. Its counter, sometimes called its antidote, the ‘rest and digest’ or ‘feed and breed’ response, is essential for healthy fertility. Whereas fight or flight agitates, feed and breed calms. Calms us down, calms the mind, calms the nervous system. When faced with relentless stress, we must learn how to manage our own internal environment. Fortunately, the feed and breed response can be triggered on demand, and breathing techniques, hypnosis, meditation, and yoga are all excellent tools for doing so. 

The Brain and the Mind

The terms brain and mind are often used interchangeably, though they are not the same. It is mostly accepted that the brain and the mind are interconnected, but it seems that the intricacies of their relationship are not yet well understood. Simply speaking, the mind might be described as energy or awareness, also the thought process. It is virtually invisible, whereas the brain is tangible, an organ which can be seen and touched. The brain is malleable. It is shaped, molded, and changed by our experiences every day. This is neural plasticity. Thoughts, beliefs, intentions, and emotions literally impact our brain, for good or for naught. The brain, in turn, affects our thoughts.

Every brain is different, and each person has unique experiences that have shaped their brain and impacted their subconscious. Repetitive thoughts of any kind strengthen and solidify their associated neural pathways in the brain. As these pathways are strengthened, they are more easily activated, which perpetuates our thinking.

Emphasis on hopeful or positive pregnancy thoughts and feelings strengthens the pathways connected with achieving what you would like to have; stressing over not getting pregnant reinforces “not-pregnant” neural pathways and compounds any stress, frustration, or upset that is present.

There are many ways to reinforce neural pathways and to create new ones. Hypnosis, which is considered a rapid-change modality, can sometimes do this instantly.

3Keys® HypnoFertility

I have been helping women to become pregnant with hypnosis for the past three decades. During this time, I have developed a hypnosis-based specialty program, originally called HypnoFertility and now known as 3Keys® HypnoFertility, to help restore the body’s natural balance, which can be easily upset by emotional blocks, stress, and a host of modern life’s difficulties. The value of releasing troublesome emotions, thoughts, or behaviors cannot be understated, and enduring change must occur at the subconscious level.

The 3Keys® process clears unhelpful beliefs, replacing them with healthy, empowering truths of vitality, of the body’s innate ability to rejuvenate itself, and of optimized fertility. It helps to circumvent various mind-body disconnects which can occur with catastrophic diagnoses such as infertility, emphasizing not only the fostering of communication between the conscious and subconscious minds, but also the rewiring of neural pathways in the brain.

3Keys® HypnoFertiltiy is holistic, non-invasive, and promotes all aspects of mind, body, and spirit balance. More than just hypnosis, it is multi-faceted, and solution focused. It helps tap into and reignite the inherent fertility that is a biological element of every woman. A unique blend of science and spirit, the 3Keys® method incorporates reframing of destructive thought patterns in the brain, clearing of the subconscious mind, and tending of the fundamental light of one’s heart and spirit. The ongoing struggle with infertility is an opportunity for healing on many levels, for learning and growing, for cultivating the nurturing homelife necessary for raising healthy children. 3Keys® HypnoFertility helps you not only to get and to stay pregnant, but to get your life back, to obtain a balance of mind, body, and spirit that is the ideal environment for becoming a parent.

You may also enjoy reading The Best Foods for Fertility and 3 Popular Diets that Could Be Detrimental, by Alexandria DiVito.

The post The Benefits of Hypnotherapy for Improving Fertility appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Ayurveda is a powerful ancient healing science, yet remains shrouded in mystery; here is an overview of Ayurvedic constructs and benefits

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Ayurveda is an ancient healing science that stems from the Vedic culture. It is a system of medicine that evolved in India over 5,000 years ago. Accomplished teachers taught their disciples in an oral tradition. The term Ayurveda is derived from the Sanskrit words ayur (life) and veda (science or knowledge). It’s the science of life which helps in understanding how the body works and helps in maintaining good health. Ayurveda is based on the belief that health and wellness depend on a delicate balance between the mind, body, and spirit.

According to Ayurveda, the body is a crystallization of the mind. Impaired agni (the digestive fire) and indigestion are at the root of all diseases. The first aim of Ayurveda is to protect and maintain the health of the human being throughout the lifespan. The second aim of this science is to cure the diseases which are developed in the body of a human.

Difference between Western Medicine and Ayurveda

Western allopathic medicine currently tends to focus on symptomatology and disease, and primarily uses drugs and surgery to rid the body of pathogens or diseased tissue. Many lives have been saved by this approach. In fact, surgery is encompassed by Ayurveda. However, drugs, because of their toxicity, often weaken the body. Ayurveda does not focus on disease. Rather, Ayurveda maintains that all life must be supported by energy in balance. When there is minimal stress and the flow of energy within a person is balanced, the body’s natural defense systems will be strong and can more easily defend against disease. [Source] Dr. Vasant Lad of the Ayurvedic Institute also reminds us that Ayurveda isn’t a substitute for western medicine. If you need urgent surgery or are dealing with a disease where the growth is rampant, allopathy and surgery are always better options. Ayurveda can be a complementary healing modality where it can help rebuild a patient’s body after surgery or being treated with drugs.

Ayurveda Practice in India versus the United States

When you look at the history of the country, Ayurvedic medicine thrived until India began to experience political conflict and invasion, notably by the British Empire. After gaining independence from the British, Ayurveda found its place as a major medical system once again. Even today, India has full-fledged Ayurvedic hospitals where doctors spend years training and treating patients for different kinds of diseases. Some of the Ayurvedic doctors I have studied with completed their training in both western medicine hospitals as well as Ayurvedic hospitals. Classically, Ayurvedic Medicine was conceptualized and practiced as eight major clinical subspecialties of medicine and continues to be taught today in India. They include:

• Kaya Chikitsa (Internal Medicine)
• Baala Chikitsa (Pediatrics)
• Graha Chikitsa (Psychology)
• Urdhvaanga or Shalakya Chikitsa (Eye, Ear, Nose & Throat)
• Shalya Chikitsa (Surgery)
• Damstra Chikitsa (Toxicology)
• Rasayan/Jara Chikitsa (Geriatrics & Rejuvenation)
• Vrsha or Vājīkaraṇa Chikitsa (Aphrodisiac Therapy)

In the US, the concept of Ayurveda might be new to a large majority. Ayurveda is considered a form of complementary and alternative medicine (CAM). Depending on where you live, your awareness levels might differ. I understand that how one practices Ayurveda in the west is very different from the way it’s practiced in India. It’s more educational in its approach in the US and often understood as a lifestyle management tool. A lot of people incorporate it for stress management, lowering anxiety, battling insomnia, and to deal with digestive issues…including but not limited to Steve Jobs (the founder of Apple), when he was alive, Ricky Williams (a football player), and actresses Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston and Julia Roberts.

In Ayurveda and other CAM therapies, it’s believed that we enjoy good health when our mind, body, and spirit are in harmony with the universe.

When something upsets this balance, we get sick. What can upset this balance? Think poor diet & lifestyle, genetic or birth defects, any injuries, age, your emotions, and change in seasons. Going to bed late, eating a snack at 1am, surviving on 3 hours of sleep, or not exercising are examples of living against the rhythm of nature. Notice how birds and animals return home after sundown. Some animals hibernate during winter to rest and replenish. It’s just us humans that break the circadian rhythm, dishonor nature, and idolize the hustle culture and erratic living. As a result, we fall sick.

What is good health according to Ayurveda?

According to classical Ayurvedic texts, a state of health exists when the following factors are in balance:

• The digestive fire (agni)
• The bodily humors or tridoshas (vata, pitta, kapha)
• The three waste products or malas (urine, feces, and sweat) are produced at normal levels
• The five senses (vision, hearing, touch, taste, & smell) and their corresponding organs are functioning normally
• The body, mind, and consciousness are harmoniously working as one

A few key points to note

1. According to Ayurveda, the mind also plays a critical role in our overall health. The mental disorders first manifest in the mind and later distress the body. In fact, mental ama (toxins) and unresolved emotions can lead to disease in very concrete ways. For example, unresolved anger can accumulate in the liver and impair its functioning; unprocessed grief can disturb the lungs; and chronic anxiety can upset the health of the colon. Beyond these, there are countless other ways that imbalances in the mind can manifest as physical disease.
2. Ayurveda emphasizes that Prakriti or constitution, which is unique to every individual, is also responsible for the health and disease patterns in different people. Health is order and disease is disorder. There are three main doshas in Ayurveda called Vata, Pitta, and Kapha. The doshas, or some combination of them, can be identified in various seasons, times of day, climates, landscapes, plants, and animals. All three doshas are present in each one of us. But the ratio between vata-pitta-kapha varies a great deal from one person to the next.
3. Knowing both your Ayurvedic constitution and your current state of imbalance is incredibly helpful. This knowledge will allow you to adjust the most basic components of your day—like how you exercise or when you eat—to better support your overall well-being.
4. Everything that we experience, be it a physical substance, a thought or emotion, has certain qualities (Ayurvedic gunas). The ancient texts of Ayurveda identify 20 qualities (10 pairs of opposites) that can be used to describe every substance or experience. There are gunas associated with each element, dosha, symptom, food, yoga pose, mood, etc. They are extremely important because the foundation of ayurvedic treatment is to identify the out-of-balance guna and apply its opposite.
5. Ayurveda follows the principle of “like increases like.” If you have a stomach ulcer or suffer from heartburn, the foods that Ayurveda recommends will be Pitta-balancing and it will alleviate these conditions. The foundation of Ayurvedic treatment relies upon recognizing when gunas have become excessive or deficient, as this is known to cause doshic imbalance and lead to disease. Ayurveda applies the opposite qualities to return to balance.
6. If you believe Ayurveda is about mom and grandmas’ herbal remedies and warm oil massages, you are limiting yourself in experiencing the oldest healing system of the world. By now you know that it’s a medical system. It’s a lot more than golden milk for pains and aches, massaging the gums with clove oil when toothache becomes crippling, or using Ajwain for gas and bloating. Ayurveda is more than online dosha quizzes and khichadi cleanses. Ayurveda places great emphasis on prevention and encourages the maintenance of health through close attention to balance in one’s life, right thinking, diet, lifestyle, and the use of herbs.

Parting Words

If you choose to work with an Ayurvedic practitioner or Ayurvedic doctor, they will tell you both your Ayurvedic dosha and your imbalance. They will help you map out what diet and lifestyle to follow and if you need any herbs at all. Ayurveda reminds us of the importance of living in tune with nature, eating seasonally and trusting our body. If we can eat and live mindfully based on what we need in the now versus following trends mindlessly, we might be able to prevent illnesses and maintain good health.

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If you are looking for advice from a trained ayurvedic coach, contact me here.

[Disclaimer: The purpose of our articles is to provide information. The information is not intended for use in the diagnosis, treatment, cure, or prevention of any disease. If you have any serious acute or chronic health concerns, please consult a trained health professional. Please use the content only in consultation with an appropriate certified medical or healthcare professional.]

You may also enjoy reading 6 Non-Traditional Remedies and Practices to Prevent Common Diseases and Illnesses, by Rachel O’Conner.

The post What Is Ayurveda and How Can It Benefit You? appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Whatever your circumstances, struggles or traumas, Youheum Son provides a simple, 4-pillar roadmap for holistic healing and growth

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At Best Self, we love all things healing…and when we heard of the work of Youheum Son and her fresh approach to healing our living, we had to learn more. We presented a few questions to her so that she can explain a bit about her work in hopes that you will find ways to take new steps toward healing in your own life. May you find her as inspiring as we do!

First, a little bit about Youheum:

Youheum Son is a creative soul with a passion for sharing and spreading compassion to all living beings. She is the founder and creator of a YouTube lifestyle channel focused on Mindfulness, Sustainability, Minimalism, and Wellness, and also author of Heal Your Living. She is also a free-spirited digital nomad, designer, illustrator, and intuitive coach. Learn more at YouheumSon.com

Youheum, firstly, thank you for taking the time to share with Best Self Magazine. Can you give us a little background on you…where you come from, what influences in your life have led you to pursue the work that you do?

I’m an emotional decluttering coach helping fellow healers let go of inner clutter and manifest spaciousness within and around. I was set on this path after years of dealing with chronic anxiety, which led to destructive habits such as shopping addiction, binge-watching, and stress eating, as a way to cope with emotional instability. For years, I was stuck in the pattern of depending on artificial pleasure and overconsumption to escape unprocessed emotions and pent-up pressure of living a frantic lifestyle. My focus was on pursuing external success, striving for status, and obtaining a higher identity through accumulation. After hitting rock bottom, dealing with severe anxiety attacks, and falling deeper into addictive hoarding, I was set on the path to let go of surface-level clutter, inviting a more mindful lifestyle, and, most importantly, releasing emotional attachments through spiritual work.

What are the circumstances of modern-day life that have led you to create your popular YouTube channel (under your name, Youheum) and now your book, Heal Your Living?

After beginning the practice of Mindfulness, Sustainability, Minimalism, and Wellness that came in the early part of my healing journey, I felt the increasing need to share the message of mindful living with those navigating a consumption-driven lifestyle. I understood how it was much needed for many of those living a modern life as sentient beings, to seek inner nourishments more than the physical. Doing so made it possible for us to focus on higher convictions such as peace, love, and togetherness instead of fixating on individual ownership and positionalities, which eventually resulted in disconnection from our fellow brothers and sisters and our surrounding environment. 

You cite 4 primary areas of your approach: Mindfulness, Sustainability, Minimalism and Wellness. Can you please elaborate on each of these areas, how they play into the healing of our life—and some actionable strategies that we can put to work for us right now?

Mindfulness is the practice of returning to the present moment by letting go of the need to strive or seek joy elsewhere. By being present, we recognize the miracles already here without pursuit. The most important practices I incorporate are daily prayers and meditative rituals such as contemplation in communion with the Divine presence.

Sustainability is a practice that allows me to embrace the interconnectedness of all beings. It focuses on supporting the environment and being kind to all living beings. Nowadays, I focus not on being strict but on doing as much as possible to support fellow inhabitants in servitude. It is okay to start small such as holding loving thoughts about Earth, being mindful of our waste, and consumption habits within our capacity.

Minimalism is a way of living a simple life by decluttering possessions and being organized with one’s things. For me, minimalism opened the door to letting go of being materially driven to prioritizing inner wellbeing, and later led to deeper practices such as emotional decluttering. It is especially useful for those who feel overwhelmed by too many things because it provides an opportunity to reflect on emotional attachments that lead to possession seeking. For anyone dealing with excessive consumption and addictive habits, it is helpful to ask if we are trying to distract ourselves from what is actually causing stress through the instant gratification of shopping. Once we can do that, we can recognize the need to let go of the inner attachment to things and, eventually, the attachment to the emotion causing stress beyond lifestyle changes.

Wellness is the practice of inviting physical self-care and spiritual tools to support our sentient form and spiritual Self. My practice includes daily prayers, contemplation, reading, and generally maintaining a healthy and wholesome state through proper food, exercise, and relaxation. What is most important to remember is to focus on the inner work, what directly nourishes the spirit, such as meditation, and to bring other techniques such as breathing exercises and stretching as support tools to the primary practice. This way, we create harmony of mind, body, and soul but always prioritize the most important, which is the spiritual.

What advice would you give to someone who feels deeply stuck in their life, to whom these ideas seem abstract, or like a big stretch for them at the moment?

What is most important is to realize that temporary upheavals such as what I experienced, including shopping addiction and mindless habits from emotional struggles, are necessary for inner growth. All are leading to the path of healing, and much is always on the way to support our evolution. I, too, feel that Mindfulness, Sustainability, Minimalism, and Wellness were a much-needed chapter in my life but there is always more waiting on the path of spiritual work. In short, it is okay to start as a beginner to cultivate diverse experiences and experiment through the ups and downs. Embrace your infinite potential!

Lastly, what motivates you on a daily basis…and what are your ambitions as you look ahead in your life?

My greatest motivation is to continue spiritual studies and evolve my consciousness through communion with the Higher Self. Every day I pray and enter into contemplation to reach out to the Divine and be open to receive the directives on what I must do in my ordinary life and as a spiritual being. Nowadays, I feel compelled to fulfill the purpose of helping others through emotional struggles and to assist in their journey of letting go as I continue to do so as well. I am focusing more on inner work than the lifestyle changes discussed in the early stage of my sharing.

You may also enjoy reading Sustainability & Purpose: Living in Concert with Our Ecology and Humanity, by Bill Miles with Leif Skogberg.

The post Heal Your Living: A Q&A with Youheum Son appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

We all have fears, but acknowledging them and exploring their origins while detaching from any outcome of eliminating them, is valuable in itself

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I had been afraid of bees since I was a child. I caught a bee in a glass jar when I was very young, because it looked so beautiful. I wasn’t going to keep it. I just wanted to look at it. And then I decided to pet it. I wasn’t going to hurt it — just give it an affectionate petting. The bee, of course, didn’t understand what I was doing, so it stung me. It hurt, and I was emotionally stung as well. I was just trying to be friendly. The memory of this did not stay with me. I promptly forgot about this encounter with the bee until a teacher of mine later encouraged me to think about myself. I was afraid, but I didn’t know why.

Years later, the fear was still with me. I found myself running frantically away from any bee that happened to fly near me. I didn’t know it, but one of my middle school teachers must have witnessed this. One Saturday morning, there was a knock on the door at our home. It was my middle school teacher. I was stunned. He was absolutely my favorite teacher, but I didn’t know him outside of the classroom.  He taught science, and everyone, including me, loved his classes. He asked my parents if he could take me for a walk, and we went down the road together as he explained what bees are and what motivates them. Ahead of us, I saw a grove of flowering trees, with what I believed then were about a thousand bees (I doubt I was really seeing things as they were), and he told me that if it was all right with me, he wanted the two of us to lean against one of the trees and watch the bees. I was really afraid, but I trusted my teacher when he told me that he knew I could do it. And it was transformative. I finally understood what the bees were doing and what the circumstances were under which they might sting me. I knew I was safe.

My teacher suggested that I think about myself and what might have led to my fear. And he told me to take my time and practice my newfound understanding, so I did that. When I felt ready, I took walks by myself and tested how I felt, and over a period of months, I found that I no longer had to force myself to walk near bees. I stopped even noticing that bees were around. My fear was gone.

Fears are complex, powerful, and mysterious. But so are we.

We cannot be easily defined, and we cannot be limited by someone else’s understanding of us. There is no single kind of fear, and we are all different from one another, so there is no single way to overcome fear. But if we take the time to understand ourselves, we can find the courage that we need.

Fears can be physical, psychological, or intellectual. Some people can be very brave when it comes to one kind of fear and yet not be able to face another kind of fear. You may have seen this yourselves. For example, there are people who are able to handle almost any kind of physical pain and yet tremble on the phone with their mothers or fathers. And there are others who are not bothered at all by family challenges but who find it difficult to handle the possibility that one of their political views is weak or problematic.

And we all have different lived experiences, so it is sometimes difficult for us to understand why someone else finds something frightening. If we are not frightened by it, why should someone else be? It is often hard to understand people who are different from us. When fears grip us, it is personal. It doesn’t matter if anyone else feels the same way. And people shouldn’t be bullied into facing their fears. It isn’t respectful of them as individuals, and it doesn’t work.

My father told me a story about his time in the Navy. All of the sailors had to know how to swim, but there was one young man who had never learned, and he was afraid of the water. The person in charge had him thrown against his will into the deep end of the pool. He was traumatized by the incident. It didn’t help him overcome his fear and it didn’t help him learn to swim. Forcing someone to do something because it comes easily to you is never the answer. Everyone needs and deserves empathy when it comes to fears.

At the same time, we should never tell ourselves that our fears have to be permanent. We need not live with them our whole lives. Our teachers, family, and friends can help us, but unless we want to overcome our fears, it cannot happen. No one else can do this for us. It has to be up to us.

So what can we do? In order to find our own, personal version of courage for our own, personal version of our fears, we have to do two things: understand and practice.

If we look deeply into ourselves, we can uncover the triggers of our fears. Sometimes it helps to find someone else we can talk to about this: a friend, a relative, a counselor. Sometimes the triggers for our fears become clear to us fairly quickly, and sometimes it takes a long time to discover them. Sometimes we are completely unaware that we even have a fear, and we need someone outside of ourselves to help us see it. It’s not always as easy to see as a fear of bees.  And we shouldn’t put pressure on ourselves or demand that we meet a rigid timetable for self-understanding. It can be a long process.

And then we must practice. The key to success here is baby steps. Don’t demand success from yourself immediately. Start small. Forgive yourself for failures along the way. And persist. Understanding your fears is not, by itself, enough to overcome them. We can know something without being able to do it. Knowledge is helpful, but we need to try the knowledge out and keep trying it until we no longer depend upon the knowledge. As we become more comfortable with confronting our fears, we become less dependent upon our understanding of our fears. That is how we can make progress. Step by step, taking our time. Until the mystical equivalent of muscle memory takes over and we wake up one day free of the fears we have chosen to fight.

One more thing. There is a hierarchy of fear. Some fears are weak and relatively unimportant to the way we live our lives. And some fears are central to our ability to be ourselves and have satisfying, happy lives. Don’t ever feel that you need to root out all of your fears. No one needs to live a life completely free of fear, nor is it likely even possible. Prioritize. Focus on the things that are most important to you and work on those.

And if you discover that you simply can’t triumph over some very important fears, the struggle is still worth it.

Understanding yourself helps you live your life, even with some fears you might like to cast away. When it comes to fear, there is no such thing as failure. Sometimes our life has hurt us so much that the fears we have can never be banished. That’s okay too. By confronting them, you already make your life better.

You can do this. You might need a little help from someone else. But ultimately it comes down to you. Always remember, you are stronger than you think you are. Don’t “bee” afraid of facing your fears.

You may also enjoy reading How to Make Friends with Our Fears,fear by Sarah Fabian.

The post Facing Our Fears: How Do We Overcome Them…Or Maybe That’s Not the Point? appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

They say once you offer up your pain and suffering to a higher power, trust that the Universe will come through for you. I asked…and received a miracle.

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Summertime in 1967 would go down in history as the Summer of Love. An incredible era that resulted in changes of moral and societal values, music, art, and life. Hundreds of thousands of Baby Boomers were coming of age determined to challenge the status quo. Our country and the world would never be the same. My own world would never be the same for another reason.

I turned eighteen in May of 1967. Captivated by what was happening around the world, I watched the national news, mesmerized by the flower children in San Francisco; I longed to join the marches and rallies condemning the Vietnam War and fight for civil rights. I yearned to be part of the women’s movement, dreaming of being a young woman with purpose, making a difference.

None of those things would come to fruition that summer because I was hidden away in a Maternity Home for Unwed Mothers in New Orleans waiting to give birth to a secret child.

After the birth I was expected to surrender my newborn to a closed adoption. I was told repeatedly, “After you leave and go back home you will forget about this time in your life.”

In the 1960s there was nothing much worse than a young woman finding herself pregnant without a ring on her finger. Pregnancy out of wedlock was considered socially unacceptable and practically a criminal act. This was a cruel and unforgiving time for girls whose lives changed in an instant from typical, happy, healthy teens into girls in-trouble, bad girls, or loose young women who had sinned and needed redemption.

There was no support from government, and no one questioned what these young women needed or wanted. We had no voice. It was routine that we unfortunate girls would be sent away from our homes, our education halted, our reputations in tatters.

We were expected to do the right thing; surrender our child to a more deserving couple, and never think about that child again.

Once my parents were over the shock that their daughter committed this unspeakable crime they turned to our church. The minister told my folks the best thing to do with me was send me away so no one would be the wiser. Part of the lie was to say I was living with an out-of- state grandmother if anyone asked. I was already terribly ashamed and riddled with guilt about my predicament, but this magnified my crime to huge proportions. I was made to think I had ruined my life.

Whisked away to the Maternity Home in New Orleans, I remember sitting in a bare bones office while a stuffy staff member admitted me. She handed my father a brochure, and I spotted the words “Go Forth and Sin No More.” I was a good girl. I was a great student and a high achiever. I was president of our youth fellowship at church. My ‘sin’ had been believing a boyfriend when he said he loved me. This is when the shame escalated, and extreme self-doubt crept into my entire being. I had let everyone down and messed up my life and now an unborn child’s life as well.

For five months I worked at the Home, surrounded by many girls like myself. Institutionalized like criminals, we were fed well, and allowed walks within a specific perimeter around the old neighborhood. We attended chapel on Sundays where we bowed our heads and asked for forgiveness. There was no counseling, no schooling, no mention of what would happen when we gave birth or after we left this place.

Mostly we worked at our jobs. Mine was feeding babies in the nursery. There were the usual cliques and dramas, after all we were typical teenagers interested in music, pop culture, and dreamy boys. The only difference was we were damaged, all of various states of pregnancy, filled with doubt and fear of what our futures would hold now that we had committed the unthinkable. Soon we would surrender our own flesh and blood, the babies growing inside of us, to complete strangers, new parents we would never know. The records would be sealed, and we would never know where our children lived, what their names would be, if they were healthy, happy, or loved.

Already lacking self-confidence and filled with shame and guilt, it was easy to convince us we were unworthy, and this is what we deserved.

I gave birth to my first-born son during the jungle heat of that summer. The overpowering bond I felt with this tiny infant filled me with a love I had never imagined. Only allowed to hold him twice, the pain of leaving him crushed me. Through tear-filled eyes I tried to memorize his downy face, his tiny hands, his wee frog-like legs. The fact that I would never see my son again broke my spirit and as young as I was, I knew intuitively I would never forget this secret son of mine who had nestled beneath my heart, who I had whispered to in the silence of the night, and who I had loved from his first fluttering inside of me.

The one thing I was allowed to give him was a crib name. I named him Jamie. The last time I held him, I stole the birth card off his bassinet, tucking it secretly in my pocket. This tiny piece of cardboard was the only proof I had of Jamie.

Returning to my old life was impossible. I was not the same girl. I was a woman now, a mother, without her son. I was expected to go straight back into my old life even though I had experienced a trauma that would mark me for the rest of my days. I returned home with no therapy, no support, just the stifling depression of a private loss I was not allowed to speak of.

On the outside, I looked the same but the shame of the lies and secrets and the guilt of leaving my baby crushed my soul and colored who I thought I was.

My goal was to escape my family and my hometown and within six months I had married the first man who asked me. Determined to have what had been taken away from me, I gave birth to my second son within a year after the wedding. We moved to my husband’s home state of California where I began a new life thousands of miles away from my old one and pushed my secret son far down in the dark recesses of my heart.

I gave birth to two more sons within 8 years. Being a mother completed me. Raising and mothering my three boys kept me busy and fulfilled but often I would slip away and hold the tiny birth card, praying that Jamie was happy, and most importantly loved. I would ask him to forgive me each time I tucked the card away in its secret place.

I did this for 49 years.

After ten years of a tenuous and emotionally abusive marriage my husband left, leaving me a single mom with no support. I went to work, changing my life, striving to make it better for my sons and myself.

Three years later I would marry the love of my life, and we happily blended our family of five children. My second husband and I both had demanding careers and there was always the wild and wacky chaos of raising four sons and one daughter. As busy as I was throughout those years, I never once forgot Jamie.

Grateful for the good life I had, I began to heal.

I had searched off and on over the years for my son, but to no avail. From the time I had left the Maternity Home in New Orleans I had fantasized that my son would find me. But after decades, I questioned if we would ever be reunited and thought I would take the secret of him to my grave. I started journaling about that time in New Orleans. I had never written a word about 1967 or allowed myself to write about the loss of my son. Each morning I would write “Find Jamie,” at the top of my notebook.

Writing about my son and the trauma of leaving him became addictive. The more I wrote, the more I remembered and understood how and why all of this had played out the way it did. I realized I had never fully forgiven my parents, our minister, my boyfriend, society, the Home, or myself. I was not that young girl any longer. Now I was a wise older woman with a grateful heart for all the good in my life and I began to intentionally forgive everyone and anyone who had hurt me or abandoned me. But most importantly I forgave myself.

I have often heard once you offer up your pain and suffering to a higher power, trust that the Universe will come through for you. Ask and you shall receive. Well, I did ask to find Jamie and the Universe answered with a miracle.

In October of 2016, my forty-nine-year-old son Jamie, now named Richard, found me through Ancestry DNA. Hearing my son’s voice for the very first time was magical, indescribable. I fell in love all over again. Four days after our first phone call my son flew to California to meet me in person. We were fortunate, our reunion was flawless. Hugging this full-grown man who I had last seen as a 7-pound infant seemed so natural. It was the same as hugging any of my sons and his DNA screamed out loud and clear. We looked alike and had so much in common. I pinched myself for months.

Almost immediately I went from holding in this sad secret of having had a secret son and to wanting to shout to the world, “My son has found me!” And I did.

The more I wrote or spoke about Jamie/Richard and the experience of the Maternity Home in 1967, the more I healed. My story was that of the hundreds of thousands of young women in the 1950s and 1960s who had walked the same walk I had.

We had no choice. We had no voice. I realized I had lived my life as if it were still 1967 full of regret and shame, worried what people would think of me. Once I spoke my truth, I found such support and love from my family and friends. Support and love also flooded my email from birth mothers and adoptees from across the country. My faith in people and in myself was renewed. I became healthier physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I slept soundly for once, knowing where all my sons were each night.

Best of all, I had finally given that sad, damaged teenage girl a voice.

You may also enjoy reading Releasing Shame to Reclaim Your Self-Worth, by Emily Madill

The post After the Summer of Love: Secrets and Shame for a Mother in the 1960s appeared first on BEST SELF.

True to form, on my way to work, my coffee spilled all over the front seat of my car. This was just a confirmation that the ravens had jinxed my day…

—

On a cool spring morning, the kind where the winter coat still works, I woke and quickly ran outside with my dogs. The sky was cloud-filled, and a slight mist hit my face. The view was screaming, get back to bed and pull the covers over your head! Even the dogs seemed bothered by the weather, or so I thought. 

The dogs were agitated, barking and running in circles. And when I looked up, I saw the problem. Six ravens were staring down at me. Although they are majestic with coal-black eyes and regal posture, they scared the heck out of me. Every superstitious thought raced to the forefront of my brain. Ravens are an omen. Death surrounds them. They are foreshadowing “something evil this way comes.”

Suddenly, my quiet suburban backyard looked like the scene from Lion King where the ravens await their next meal. A chill shot up my spine, not from the cold, and I grabbed my small dogs and ran into the house.

That’s it; my day was ruined. I was sure they gave me the “stink eye,” and the rest of my day would be filled with sadness and disappointment.

True to form, on my way to work, my coffee spilled all over the front seat of my car. This was just a confirmation that the ravens had jinxed my day. So, with a sigh of recognition, I fortified myself against any further harm, and with both eyes wide open, I continued on my way.
I knew I would “have a day,” as my mom would say, but I was ready. Traffic jam? I got it. Lost the keys? That is what a spare is for.

But to my pleasant surprise, the exact opposite of what I predicted and expected happened. 

Later that day, the cashier in a boutique gave me an additional 20% discount because it was spring. I went to the movies and used a forgotten gift card. I walked into a store to find the perfect bag, the kind you only dream about if you were the designer, and it was affordable.

Wait, where are the tragedies? How could good things be happening? I was happy. Had I overcome the curse of the ravens? I felt strong. I felt powerful. I had not let the prospect of a bad day determine the outcome. I celebrated my small victory!

The term “mind over matter” was coined over 150 years ago to stress that the mind’s intelligence can dominate over material desires in an ever-changing world. 

Today, the phrase has more of a motivational tendency that means we can overcome any adversity with determination and willpower. Many people use it as a mantra to overcome life’s challenges like chronic pain, the death of a loved one, or even solving the unsolvable. I admit that my ravens and their curse were not on the same level, but maybe there is a lesson to be learned.

The mind is a powerful tool. Once we convince ourselves that something is accurate or sound, it isn’t easy to clear it. Think about when you hear your all-time favorite song on the radio; you sing along, knowing the rest of your day will be fine. For the rest of the day, when the brain is at rest, the words pop up, and you smile with a bit of groove in your step. The same is true of a bad mood. Some days, no matter how hard you try, you cannot get yourself out of the funk. It happens to the best of us.

When we dwell on an event, it becomes all-consuming. For example, you have a slight pain in your chest. It is probably that you tweaked a muscle. But as the day progresses, your minor pain grows, and by quitting time, you are convinced you are having a heart attack and need to head straight to the ER. The more you think about it, the bigger it gets.

I realize I gave the ravens too much power. 

In my case, on an average day, things will not always go as well as planned. This is life. I could focus on the negative things and blame my creepy birds or look for the good in people and experiences.

I am a massive believer in self-talk. I am that girl who motivates herself in the car before work with a, “You got this.” I use phrases like “I am strong” or “I am loved” freely as a way to make each moment matter. I have long ago gotten over the embarrassment of talking to myself. The good news is that now people talk into their earbuds without getting a second look; I am seen as just another cell phone user. No one needs to know my secret.

Years ago, I tattooed the phrase “just be” on my wrist. When I was struggling to be all things to all people, it served as a reminder that I am only one person. When people ask me what it means, I say “anything you want it to.” For me, the phrase can be different every day. Just be… calm. … be happy. Just be…whoever or whatever you want to be.

I am not suggesting a tattoo (unless you want one) as a daily reminder, but…

Find your mantra, the words or words that will set you on an even keel.

As I pulled up the house around dusk, I sought out my bird laden tree. There sat my six ravens just waiting to mock me. But no, they had not ruined my day. As a matter of fact, I had a perfect day. So, I grabbed my dogs, and together in a chorus of barking and screaming, we said, “Go away, birds, you got nothing on me.”

There is not a predetermined path for each day, even if you think for a moment that outside forces can alter the trajectory. So, the next time you walk under a ladder or a black cat crosses your path, remember that you have the power to change any day into a good day; mind over matter.

You may also enjoy reading Flipping your Mindset: The Healing Power of Affirmations, Mindfulness and Gratitude by Daniel Wittler

The post It’s as Easy as Mind Over Matter appeared first on BEST SELF.

One woman recounts her struggles with body shame, which led her to now guide others through their own healing journeys.

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I’ll never forget the day the concept of body shame entered my life. I was 8 years old when I watched my friend topple from her horse, losing consciousness. I rushed to her aid and called for help, but she died in the hospital later that night. I had never understood why my friend was seemingly obsessed with her looks. Now I know she struggled with an eating disorder…yes, even at that tender young age.

From that day forward, the belief that being thin was dangerous became deeply ingrained in me. This paired with family issues, resulted in me turning to food for comfort.

I ate so that I didn’t have to feel as much. Food gave me a feeling of safety and a hit of dopamine I so greatly desired.

I became slightly overweight. I recall friends of the family pinching my cheeks and smiling at the chubby-cheeked little one.

We moved to Texas from Holland when I was 11. I was immediately aware of how consumed with their looks my new peers were.

My breasts had grown over the 6 weeks it took us to receive our belongings. My first bra mistakenly got packed in it, and when we unpacked it, it no longer fit. Everyone wore bras and looked at my growing breasts in disdain, whispering to each other. My English was not good enough to understand what they were saying. But I understood enough to feel increasingly uncomfortable in my skin.

Not wanting to bother my mom— I snuck a new bra into the trolley at the supermarket.

My breasts continued to grow at an exponential rate. By the age of 12, I had an impressive EE cup despite being of average weight. My breasts brought me a lot of unwelcome attention from older men. People looked at my chest instead of my face. I received many “bitchy” remarks from other girls at school, saying I was “easy” although I hadn’t had a boyfriend yet. My body seemed to define me in the eyes of others.

I began to turn inward as the feelings of body shame grew. I confided in my sister, and she reassured me that I was beautiful, but it wasn’t enough to counter all of the shame I was feeling. I developed coping mechanisms, ignored the comments, and grew a thick skin.

I ignored it when my “uncle” touched me inappropriately. I told my mother, but her response was that this had happened to her too. She told me to leave it alone. I was sexually abused for years until I could no longer stand it and confronted my “uncle’s” wife when I was 16.

All this shame had me looking outside myself for love and affection. I was the bubbly, friendly, good-natured, big-breasted blonde who had loving words for everyone but herself. My boyfriends loved me and my body, but I was vicious to myself, going through strict diets, harsh exercise routines, and pushing my body to do more. Losing weight helped the boobs reduce—a bit. The yo-yoing started, and my weight fluctuated greatly.

I experienced body shame and sexual abuse often. I was the victim of a violent date rape which my psyche buried for the next 20 years.

I married my husband, and we had 4 children in under 3 years. My body took on over 50 extra kilos, and the stress of the pregnancies and multiple miscarriages—surprisingly, this was the turning point when my relationship with my body began to change.

My body produced 4 incredible, healthy children. After I breastfed all 4, I had a breast reduction. For the first time in my life, I could stand up straight without rounding my shoulders to hide my breasts.

The journey to loving myself started. I was able to see the stretch marks as loving signs of these beautiful babies I had borne. I began to wear the signs on my body with pride, seeing them as symbols of a battlefield—of a life well-lived.

My journey to radical self-love didn’t happen instantly, there was a lot that went into it, and I’m grateful for that because it has allowed me to help my clients on their journey to stop body shame and begin to love themselves again.

6 Ways to Break Free of Body Shame

1. Get Support from Strangers

As I said before, kind words from my sister weren’t enough. My loved ones could spend all day telling me how beautiful I was, but some part of me felt that they were required to tell me that since they loved me. Receiving the same remark from complete strangers is what really started to help me see myself that way.

Finding a group of like-minded women and men that empower you is a great way to start working toward self-love. These groups can be in person or virtually over zoom.

2. Speak It Out Loud

An exercise that I walk most of my clients through is to stand in front of a mirror with as few clothes as is comfortable for them, set the timer for 5 minutes and let it rip! Criticize yourself! Every little dimple, scar, pouch, wrinkle, hair, whatever it is — speak it out loud and let yourself feel it! This is a massively cathartic exercise. We speak so meanly to ourselves yet do not often do it in a way where we let all of it all out.

The next part is where it gets emotional. I have my clients put on something they feel safe in, a cashmere tracksuit, leggings, a silk shirt, a thick cardigan, a blanket, whatever makes them feel safe. They put on a playlist I have curated for them, and they write a love letter to their body.

They may even have a nickname for her — a term of endearment. They go through their memories and acknowledge how they may have harmed her, abused her, and allowed others to shame her.

A lot of tears and emotions come up as they fully feel everything.

Here is an example of what the letter can look like:

Dear Body (or term of endearment),

For years I have…
I took you for granted. I …
I allowed …
I pushed and prodded you into …

Start with an apology/acknowledgment of how you treated her, moving onto how she has been there for you, and finally onto forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a big piece of overcoming body shame. Forgiving yourself for all the things you may have done to yourself (or said about yourself), forgiving others for how they had you feel, forgiving society for the imprints about how we “should” look.

All of this starts the process of healing, of FEELING FULLY YOU and accepting ALL parts of yourself.

3. Celebrate Your Achievements

Another exercise is to acknowledge your achievements and celebrate them, no matter how large or small! So often, we are so fixated on what is wrong with us that we no longer see what is right. A way to do this is to take a few minutes each day and write down what you are grateful for and what you are celebrating. By training the mind to look at the gratitude and showing it that you celebrate EACH win, new neural pathways are created.

4. Practice More Movement

Feminine movement, dance, and tremor exercises help move trauma through the body. Create a regular practice to move your body and release trauma. Our bodies hold on to trauma, even if we are unaware of it. Moving consciously, and allowing tremors to come up will allow you to move through your pain and release it.

5. Learn to Trust Yourself

Building a trusting relationship with your body is so important. Beginning to explore what types of touch your body wants will help you start to deepen that trust with yourself. You can explore this after your movement practice or anytime you are alone and have time to create space to build that relationship with yourself.

6. Say No

So often, we do not know how to say no. This is another game-changer for my clients. Saying no without any other explanation — but trusting themselves!

This is connecting to your honest desires, allowing yourself to say no to anything that doesn’t align, without providing an explanation. Give this a try the next time you want to say no to something or someone. Challenge yourself to say no without giving a reason. “No” is a complete sentence!

These tips have helped many clients build a trusting relationship with their bodies, full of radical self-love. There is so much beauty in seeing a woman embody her true self and love her body unconditionally.

Once a woman has started loving herself fully, she oozes confidence… and people are drawn to her. They feel good around her and want to be more like her.

You may also enjoy reading No Man Left Behind: Growing from vs. Separating from Our Past by Carter Miles

The post Healing from Body Shame: A Guide to Radical Self Love appeared first on BEST SELF.

Understanding and tapping into the infinite history of the Akasha gives you a powerful tool for spiritual and personal growth.

—

Have you seen the words Akashic Records seemingly everywhere, and become curious about what it is? Perhaps you’ve even surfed the Internet to find some answers, but have only attained more questions during your quest for the truth? 

I found the Akashic Records when I was experiencing the most challenging time in my life. I had recently lost my two-month-old daughter to SIDS. The pain felt like it split me in two and forced me to rebuild myself from the ground up. One day while in deep meditation, I asked the universe to help me heal from the heaviness of the pain that grief brings, and ultimately, I was led to the Akashic Records. Before this experience, I had never heard of this spiritual tool, but I somehow knew this was the answer to my prayers. I was initially apprehensive, especially after Googling the term Akashic Records, which brought up all sorts of abstract, woo woo-sounding descriptions, but I eventually softened to the idea and continued exploring.

What Are the Akashic Records? 

The Akashic Records — or as I like to call it, the Akasha, which is a Sanskrit word for “sky” or “ether,” — is a complete vibrational history, or frequency map, of every thought, experience, interaction, and emotion of every soul that has ever existed since the beginning of time. Every being has an imprint in the Akasha, and every being has access to this vibrational frequency.

We can access this vast history of information by matching our body’s vibrational emissions to the Akasha’s. We can do this through vibrational keys such as prayer, intention and meditation. All these tools are used to match the Akashic Realm’s vibration, which lives in the frequency of 963 Hz. Humans live anywhere between 9 to 16 Hz.

The information within the Akasha never stays the same; its only constant is change. As we create our future, Akasha pulls from our past and current circumstances to create a possible future outcome. However, know that this future outcome is never set in stone and can change according to our patterns. If you receive a prediction or vision of your future that you do not like, you can always change how things will turn out by changing patterns — and with free will as your most powerful tool, anything is possible!

The Akasha is the fabric of creation itself, and within it, it carries the vibrational frequencies of all that has ever or will ever exist. Ervin Lazlo calls this frequency the womb from which everything came. 

The Akasha has been deemed a network of connections connecting the whole universe. Some even call it the Internet of God. Different civilizations, including Ancient Egyptians, Tibetans, Moors, Persians, Druids, Indians, and Mayans, were known to tap into this realm. The Rishis in India sat at the foothills of the Himalayas and channeled information which eventually became the Vedas. They used the term “Akasha” to describe this powerful tool.

This spiritual tool has been used by some of the brightest minds known to this planet. Nicola Tesla used ancient Sanskrit terminology in his descriptions of natural phenomena. As early as 1891, Tesla described the universe as a kinetic system filled with energy that could be harnessed at any location. His concepts during the following years were greatly influenced by the teachings of his guru, Swami Vivekananda.

How to Use the Akasha for Your Spiritual Growth 

The Akashic records can be used in various ways, but the most common way to access this resource is by using your intuition. You can develop your intuitive skills through various practices such as meditation, journaling, and contemplation. Once you have developed your intuition, you can begin to access the Akashic records for guidance on any topic or issue in your life.

If you are interested in deepening your spiritual practice or expanding your consciousness, the Akasha can offer you direction and support. By connecting with the Akasha, you can access information and energy that will help you to awaken and grow spiritually.

If you are ready to dive in and explore this powerful resource, here are a few simple ways you can begin:

Connect with the Akasha in Meditation

When you begin your meditation, focus your attention on your heart center and ask to be connected with the Akasha. Say something like, “Akasha, I am open and ready to receive your guidance. Please show me what I need to know right now.” As you meditate, you may notice that images, thoughts, or feelings come into your awareness. Trust whatever comes up, and allow it to guide you.

Ask a Question, or for Guidance on a Big Decision — and then Listen for the Answer

One of the most powerful ways to use the Akashic records is for decision-making. If you are faced with a difficult choice or situation, you can ask for guidance from Akasha, and the Akashic records will provide you with the most accurate and aligned answer for your highest good.

If you are not sure what question to ask, try this: state your intention to connect with the Akasha and then ask for guidance on whatever you need most at that moment. Of course, the key is to then listen…to attune all of your senses and feel what comes into your body and mind. It is a practice that is not normal for most of us, but can be developed with time and awareness.

Use the Akashic Records as a Resource for Personal Growth

The Akashic records can be an excellent resource for personal growth and enlightenment. Each time you access them, ask for guidance on a specific topic or issue that you are working on. The Akasha will provide you with the information and resources you need to grow and evolve in that area.

Ask for clarity around the best path forward for your spiritual growth.

The essential part of accessing this vibrational healing frequency is to apply it. When you receive answers to your burning questions, put them into practice.

This is how to deepen and evolve your personal development.

With all its mystery and intrigue, the Akasha is a profound and transformational resource at everyone’s disposal. It may require a little getting used to, a little suspension of your programmed beliefs… but by connecting with it regularly, you will be able to work through the challenges of life with greater ease and grace. You may also find that your connection to the Akasha accelerates your spiritual awakening process.

If you need extra help, you can download my free e-book and recite the Akashic Tap-In. It has already helped thousands of people connect to the Akasha as a tool for self-empowerment and personal growth.

You may also enjoy reading Muddy Universe | Biocentrism And The Power Of Consciousness by Robert Lanza

The post A Simple Guide to the Akashic Records appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Immobilized by a fall, a garden-lover loses touch with a piece of her soul…until an unlikely Bit of technology helps restore her spirit

—

When my wife slipped on a tablecloth she was folding and fell on her knee, it was frightening as well as painful. A trip to the emergency room confirmed that she had broken her kneecap and that it would be two to three months before she recovered. My wife is a strong woman — both physically and mentally — but this experience was challenging.

The specialist who treated her a few days later had less empathy than a rock. She explained to him that, in addition to the physical pain, she was dealing with trauma. Afraid of falling again. Depressed. Unable to sleep. He essentially said (as a waiter might put it), “That’s not my table. You may have to make some minor adjustments in your life for a short time, but this is not really that serious.” In other words, suck it up and don’t bother him with talk about trauma.

But the trauma was real, and the life “adjustments” seemed overwhelming.

We both understood that many people deal with much worse situations, but this was serious for us. She had to wear a leg brace to keep her leg completely straight at all times. She couldn’t drive. She couldn’t get dressed. She couldn’t get into the shower. She couldn’t even go to the grocery store. She was uncomfortable sitting, and she was uncomfortable lying down. But the most serious thing of all: she couldn’t get into her beloved garden.

Let me explain. Lots of people have gardens that aren’t that important to them. But for Michelle, the garden was peace of mind. She had done some gardening before, but she had waited her entire life for this garden. When we found this house, it had a raised garden bed that surrounded the entire place, and it was completely unplanted. A blank slate for her imagination. And with the pandemic raging, it was a place for her to go to find quiet and comfort. I could see the joy it brought her. If she was having a bad day, it was the cure. If she was having a good day, it made things even better. I had never really done any gardening, so she also enjoyed teaching me. I loved learning how to help, and she enjoyed having me with her. But it was her garden, and it was important to her. She had a relationship with it that was mystical and beautiful.

And then she fell.

It took us a couple of days before we appreciated the full significance of her physical limitations. And then it struck us both: the garden was off limits. I went out to water it for her, but in my ignorance, I couldn’t even water it correctly. Some need more water, and some need less. Some flowers are sensitive and shouldn’t get too wet. I was at a loss. I tried, and she was so appreciative, but it just wasn’t the same as her being able to do it herself. And then there was the weeding, and something called “deadheading,” which sounded vaguely like action the mafia Don might take, but apparently it was important to a garden. And it hurt her to see the garden suffer. I could see it in her eyes.

Days passed, and some of the flowers died. Some wilted but hung on. My wife cried to see what was happening, but the hurt went deeper. I don’t know if I can even explain it, but let me try. Her garden was an intimate place for her — a safe place in a troubled world. It was where things made sense. If you planted a seed and took the right kind of care of it, it would grow and become a thing of beauty. And she could see eternity there. Even the ebb and flow of the flowers changing with the seasons was reassuring. It brought the power of nature to her soul.  As John Keats said:

                                                A thing of beauty is a joy forever:

                                                Its loveliness increases; it will never

                                                Pass into nothingness; but still will keep

                                                A bower quiet for us, and a sleep

                                                Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.

But the accident seemed to be keeping all of this at arm’s length. It was not just a “minor adjustment in her life.” It was draining the life out of her.

I also had to do the grocery shopping for us, but as it was with the gardening, I was unskilled. I could pick up standard items, but when it came to choosing which vegetables were the best, I had no idea what to do. Michelle had a thought. I could wear my Airpods (I’d had a set for months and never used them), and she could help me through the process. It took several tries before I could get the things into my ears so they wouldn’t fall out. But I figured it out and headed to the store. And it worked! I made a video call to her, and she was able to examine the vegetables virtually and talk to me about decisions. I handled the rest of the store by myself, but we really enjoyed the shopping she was able to do without actually having to walk through the store.

And then it came to us. We could do the same thing with gardening. Michelle couldn’t go to the garden, so we would make the garden come to her. The next morning I donned my Airpods again and headed out to the garden to begin “deadheading” for the first time. In case you don’t know what that is, it is picking (or cutting) dead flowers off the stems, so that new blossoms can grow. But I could barely distinguish dead flowers from new buds. Michelle talked me through it. She was able to garden without leaving the house. It wasn’t really the same, but it felt good to her. She was able to explain which flowers needed deadheading and which were doing fine and needed to be left alone.

And for the first time since her accident, Michelle blossomed.

She was laughing and joking, and suddenly (to my surprise) she began to sing to herself, which is something she always loved to do before the accident. I’m a religious person, and to me this was a miracle. But even those who are not religious would have been moved. She was herself again.

Later that afternoon, I put together the wheelchair that we ordered for her. And today we explore a new frontier. Michelle will try making a round of just part of the garden — the part that is adjacent to the driveway and sidewalk — and this will make it possible for her to actually touch a few of her plants, including her above-ground planters, which have lettuce, rainbow chard, chilis, and a variety of herbs. She will even be able to harvest some by herself.

There is still a long road to complete recovery; we have a long time before she will be able to walk into the garden and kneel on the ground. And there may still be some dark days that come along. We are realists and understand the even a breakthrough is not the end of the story. But this is a story of triumph, and being connected to her garden was the answer to the trauma she was experiencing. It was her therapy.

It could be your therapy as well. If you haven’t tried to garden before, my experience is that it could make a real difference in your life. Everyone is different, but being connected to nature is special and speaks to all of us. And when trouble comes your way, you could find, like Michelle, that there is peace and beauty all around you.

You may also enjoy reading these other articles for Best Self Magazine by Solomon Stevens.

The post Garden Therapy: A Story of Triumph appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

A quest for meaning in modern day relationships inspires one woman to send hand-written letters to 500 “friends”, leading to unexpected discoveries

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How many people can you actively be in real relationship with?

While that seems like a simple, straight-forward question the reality is more complex. First, how do you define the realin real relationships? Are there certain criteria we need to meet? Is there a checklist? Do we need to show up at certain events or make a minimum number of phone calls or texts? Maybe it’s checking in at least once a week?

Furthermore, if you are indeed in it, does it have to maintain a certain level of activity for a preestablished unit of time for it to remain the realdeal?

But wait — aren’t there seasons for relationships? Don’t they come and go, and evolve like we do? So, are they still considered real from a historical perspective even if they aren’t actively real?

For all we can’t enumerate in human interaction, what we do know, and what we can quantify, is that we can’tbe in real relationship with hundreds of people.

And that’s true even though many of us are connected to that number of individuals on social media.

It’s also one of the biggest takeaways that I learned via my quest to write all 500-plus of my Facebook friends a handwritten letter.

It seemed like a good idea: reconnecting with everyone in a personal way. It was, I supposed, a noble — yet completely ridiculous — attempt to transform my on-line connections to actual one-on-one, flesh-and-bone, relationships.

At first, the prospect of writing the letters didn’t seem that daunting. I suppose that is because I never really felt like I’d finish.

I wasn’t seriously going to write ALL my friends — right? 

Then, once I got beyond the first one hundred letters, I realized that the endeavor was full of so much life-changing goodness that stopping wasn’t really an option. Beyond that, my friends who hadn’t yet received a letter were beginning to become aware of what I was doing. They were expecting their letter. I couldn’t let them down, could I?

I was seriously going to write ALL my friends.

Though there was so much pure love associated with the project, it turned out to be more personally taxing than I could have ever imagined. Physically, I developed a huge callous on the finger were my pen rested. By the end, it was a bloody, ink blotted mess. Emotionally speaking, I experienced waves of “too much” as I shared my story, repeatedly, and then digested the sharing of individuals who I cared about.

For every time I thought, “this is the best thing I’ve ever done” there was an instance of “Oh my God, I absolutely cannot write another letter.”

At the end I was depleted, elated, and relieved. What did I learn?

Predictably, my journey through the U.S. mail resulted in joy, laughter, and a sense of awe that I was connected to so many amazing people who had come into my life at the perfect moment.

My grateful meter went totally off the charts!

It also taught me, letter by letter, that behind every profile, post, and picture are real, imperfect people living real, imperfect lives. And in the same way that others can’t understand the depth of our situation, we can’t ever comprehend the realness of other people’s lives.

I also learned about the freedom associated with non-instantaneous communication. Dropping letters into mailboxes released me from expecting an immediate response. I had no idea when, or if, my words would be read. In this alternate universe of communication, I also had time to let friends’ replies marinate before responding. The impact was profound.

I said so many things to so many friends that otherwise would have gone unsaid. I came to realize that boldly reaching out to someone and expressing ourselves is always a good thing.

Then there was the sense of unity I felt toward every single one of my Facebook friends. Because once two people connect in a one-on-one way with goodwill, who cares who believes what?

As it turned out, the process of writing the letters, all of them, became the biggest growth opportunity of my entire life. For the reasonable sum of $600 (what I spent on postage and stationery) I was transformed into a version of myself that I never would have even dreamt up.

On the flip side, what I didn’t expect was the guilt I felt. The truth was that for every ounce of goodness the repeated, endless cycle of writing letters and receiving responses elicited, there was an equal dose of contrition.

While yes, I was reaching out to these friends in love, when they replied in kind, often divulging personal information about their very real struggles and pain — I realized that I could never keep up with the volume of sharing.

These people needed a real-life friend, just like I did, but there was no way, none, that I could be there on a day-by-day basis for hundreds of actual human beings.

My feelings towards them – my love, gratitude, and sincere concern – were a concrete reality, they just weren’t sustainable.

It left me feeling like I had failed them terribly.

While I don’t know if I’ll ever completely escape the guilt I still feel when thinking about certain letter exchanges with certain friends, I did have a life-changing realization because of the profound experience.

Though we can’t be there for the hundreds of people we are connected to via social media, we can be diligent about being present for the people in each of our small circles of friends.

We can call and check in. We can show up when it matters. We can be present in a deliberate, one-on-one way which leaves no doubt of the other individuals’ value.

It’s paramount that we separate our online relationships from those we do in “real life.” Yes, we may feel connected to and care about our social people, but it’s absolutely critical that we cultivate our in-person relationships, not only for our own wellbeing, but for the wellbeing of others.

And if the circles of intimates linked to each of our precious online friends do the same, also drawing an invisible line between “real” and “virtual,” then those hundreds of human beings that we genuinely care about, but can’t possibly attend to, will be looked after in a way that’s life changing.

The result on both sides of the equation is having the capacity to care and therefore be cared for. To support and be supported. To love and be loved. Not only is that something — it’s everything. The me that set out to write the letters is a completely different person than the me now. My great hope is that the people I do life with can see and feel the difference.

You may also enjoy reading Letters to My Mindful Self: Practicing Mindfulness Through Letter Writing, by Wendy Wolff.

The post What Is a “Real” Relationship in the Age of Social Media? appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Projecting emotions is something that just happens, especially if we’re stressed and anxious; but with awareness, we can control it.

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Before having children, I have to admit I scoffed at the “you’ll understand when you become a mother” phrase that was often thrown my way, especially by my own parents.

Of course, everything changed when the kids were born. I can still vividly remember the first moment when I felt like my world had been turned upside down. I’ve never known worry quite like it. I’ve never known the kind of anxious fear mixed in with unfathomable love that came with watching them grow.

And while it took me a good long while, I know today that I have been projecting my own emotions (most often negative ones) on these innocent youngsters who really had no idea why I was so stressed or emotional.

Let me tell you a bit about my experiences with projecting emotions and how you can stop this troubling habit.

What Is Projection?

Projection is a kind of coping mechanism and it occurs when we assign qualities or emotions to other people when they are really coming from ourselves. For example, if we have a fear of heights, we may project it onto our own kids, preventing them from getting close to a terrace’s edge or looking down from a height.

We can project positive emotions, too, and view people as better than they actually are or as having a quality that they don’t actually possess, simply because we have it or want them to have it.

Why Do We Project?

Projection is an unconscious process. Psychologists believe that we project unto others the negatives we feel or believe about ourselves in order to better cope with a situation. If we are late for something, it’s not because we are bad at time management, it’s because the kids take ages to get ready, for example.

Instead of coming to terms with our feelings, we look for an outside cause and attribute those exact same emotions to someone else. If we are angry, we push the anger away and claim someone else is angry at us, which is what causes us to snap.

Projection and Our Relationships with Our Children 

Our parenting style will depend on our own experiences more often than not. We will naturally tend to parent from our own worldview and inject a lot of our own insecurities and goals into the way we raise our kids.

We all do this. Don’t think of yourself as a horrible parent. But whenever you are making a choice regarding your children (how to react, what advice to give, etc.), try to give yourself a minute.

Take some time to determine what they need as opposed to what you feel.

Raising humans that are unlike ourselves can be very challenging. But if you get to know your child’s personality and work with it, you can overcome your own views over time.

How to Tell IF You Are Projecting

Having said all that, let me now also tell you how you can determine whether you are actually guilty of projecting.

Ask yourself these questions:

Do you often feel hurt, sensitive, or defensive about something someone has done or said?
Are you quick to blame others?
Do you find it difficult to be objective and gain perspective?
Are you reactive rather than proactive?

If this is the case, you are probably projecting your own emotions on current situations. Don’t worry — we all do it. It does sound rather serious, but you can master your projection.

How to Stop Projecting

In order to stop projecting, you first need to understand that you are doing it in the first place. You will need to be more mindful of your emotions and monitor how certain situations make you feel. For example, I used to get incredibly stressed when the kids’ exam period rolled around. I would snap at them for no reason, try to get them to revise more than they actually needed to, and I would generally be in a tense mood for weeks.

Today, I know that my goal is to relieve their stress and not add to it. I have learned to stop my spiraling worry in its tracks. When I start to feel agitated (or any surge of negative emotions, really), I will excuse myself and leave the situation. I usually claim I need to go to the bathroom. Then I look at myself in the mirror and talk myself out of the negativity.

Talking to a therapist can also help, but the key to eliminating projection is to understand yourself and the negative emotions you are feeling in life. By unpicking these knots, you can not only feel much better about yourself but overcome a lot of troublesome behaviors.

Final Thoughts 

Emotional projection is nothing to be ashamed of, nor does it make you a bad parent. It’s a part of the human experience, and you need to treat it as such. If your projections are getting in the way, take my advice to heart, and start examining your feelings and reactions. You will get to the bottom of them in the end.

You may also enjoy reading Radical Responsibility: The Key To Moving From Suffering To True Agency & Freedom by Fleet Maull

The post Projecting Emotions: Are Those Your Feelings or Theirs? appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

In our busy world, we too often bypass a simple opportunity to connect, to calm and find joy — it’s called listening.

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We all find peace in different ways. I meditate, and when I do, I try to remove myself completely from all of my senses. For me, it is beautiful. But I also find that it brings me happiness to pay attention to my senses and listen to the world around me. It is another way for me to discover peace. I listen. 

It sounds so simple and elemental… but conscious listening actually requires intention and attention.

Listening to Nature

You are sitting outside on a beautiful day, perhaps at a park that you often come to. What do you hear? You might hear the birds. Are there other animals nearby? One of the most rewarding kinds of listening is listening to nature. Even though it seems easy, It takes practice. 

You need to prepare to be ready to hear. First of all, find a place that “speaks to you.” I can’t be more specific than that. You’ll know what I mean.

I’m sure that you can think of a place not too far from where you are right now that seems to have a beautiful feel to it. Go there. When you arrive, turn your phone off. Putting your phone on silent mode isn’t good enough, because even though your phone will not make a sound, you will know that it is on, and that will be a reminder of everything that might come through to you — phone calls, texts, messages, social media notifications. You have to free yourself from all of that in order to invest fully in listening. Then, try to clear your mind. Don’t think of everything you have to do, the people you need to contact, the future which is uncertain or the regrets you have from the past. 

Next, find a comfortable spot and a comfortable way to sit down, so that your body will not be speaking to you while you are trying to listen to the natural beauty all around you. We are all different, but I recommend that you try listening with your eyes closed, so that your sight doesn’t get in the way of listening. Open yourself to the natural world. It has so much to give to us. Now, can you hear the sound of water nearby? Can you hear the breeze? Try to focus entirely on the experience that nature has to give to you at this moment. It can be beautiful. It can lift your spirits. 

Listening to Other People

I have a friend who is wonderful in many ways, but he doesn’t really listen to anyone. He is really intelligent and believes from the moment I begin speaking that he knows what I am going to say and what it means. So he tunes out and pretty much just waits for me to stop talking so that he can begin telling me what he thinks. And sometimes he forgets what I am talking about and just starts on a new subject. Still, he is a very good person, and I treasure my relationship with him. He just hasn’t learned how to listen to others. 

Listening to other people is an active process.

The first thing you have to do is get outside of yourself. When you listen to someone else, you are trying to know that person. Your experiences are completely different. What you value is different. Listening to another person means that you have to put that person and that person’s feelings and thoughts ahead of yours. You can’t assume that if you have both had similar experiences that you both feel or think the same thing in response to those experiences. Don’t impose your interpretation of life on someone else. This is deceptively difficult, especially for intelligent people. What does the person you are talking to really feel? Ask follow-up questions. For example, if you are talking to someone who says that an experience really hurt, ask what the person means by “hurt.” You may be surprised to find that they mean something you never could have imagined. 

True listening involves empathy, not sympathy. You don’t need to tell someone you feel sorry for what they have experienced. But you do need to show that you respect that person’s feelings, even if they don’t seem like feelings you would have. It’s okay to be different. The world thrives on difference. And being empathetic means paying attention to what people don’t say, as well as what they do say. You need to learn to hear both things. 

And finally, listening to another person does not mean that we have to have a solution to whatever the person is discussing with us. Most of us rush to find a resolution. We want to help, but often, trying to solve their problem is not what they need. They just need to be heard — truly heard. And what they’ve said should be acknowledged. Don’t begin thinking of how to make everything all right. Sometimes there is no solution. And even if something would be a solution for you, it might not work at all as a solution for the other person. 

So, listen. Don’t talk about yourself. Don’t impose your feelings on the other person. Try to hear more clearly by asking questions. Show empathy.

And don’t work on solving the problem. It is amazing how good people can feel if they know someone has listened to them. Think back on the last time someone really listened to you. That is what you need to do when you listen to others. 

Listening to Your Surroundings

There is something special about immersing oneself in one’s surroundings, even in a busy restaurant, a store, or a crowded room. What can you hear? What is the sound closest to you? What is the sound you can hear that is farthest away? What is the loudest sound and what is the quietest? Are there sounds you can’t identify? A scratch of some kind? A knocking? Is there a machine making a sound, or is it a person? 

I promise you that listening to your surroundings can make you feel a connection with the world that you haven’t felt before.

It is a beautiful feeling to notice how much your surroundings speak to us. Even the sound of a grocery store can be a kind of music, if we pay attention to it.  I often start by listening in this way when I first enter a room or first sit down. I am not trying to listen for any particular thing; rather, I am just taking in the feel of the room. No matter what you are doing, listening will enhance your experience. 

Listening to Silence 

We have become a people who seek distraction. It is almost as if we fear just being with ourselves. I know people who simply can’t be alone with silence. They have to have music playing, their smart phones in their hands, or the television on — anything to make some noise or surround themselves with comforting activity and keep them from feeling alone. Is it loneliness that makes us crave distraction, or is it sadness? Listening to silence may not come easily at first, but I guarantee that it will be worth the effort to learn. 

You are valuable and don’t need to hide from yourself. I am not talking about sitting and thinking about your obligations, your work, your relationships.

I am talking about sitting with yourself and for yourself. Being alone can be very peaceful, once you shed the protections of noise and distraction that so many of us think we need. 

For me, listening to silence is empowering, because it is one way I tell myself that I do not need to depend upon distractions, upon electronic devices. I can be independent. But there is something else. Silence is itself peaceful and calming. It has no form, no words, no direction. It can help us connect to ourselves in a powerful way. 

Listening is a gateway happiness. We need to feel connected to nature, to other people, to our surroundings, and to ourselves, and listening can help us achieve these things. We are all so busy, so anxious, so tired. It is important to stop and smell the roses. But we also need to stop and listen to them.

You may also enjoy reading The Sacred Pause: The Art of Activating Healing Energy by Travis Eliot

The post What Do You Hear? Listening as a Pathway to Peace and Happiness appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

After a traumatic loss, a grief expert discovers 7 techniques for setting grief free from the body and moving toward comfort

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After a sudden and traumatic loss a few years ago, my grief and shock first expressed themselves through my body: I couldn’t stop shuddering. This shaking was so bad that even once I could sleep again, it woke me at night. So I didn’t need bestselling books like Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk’s renowned The Body Keeps Score to know that both trauma and grief invade the body and can be rather stubborn about leaving.

Like Van Der Kolk, most counselors agree that grief needs expression. That’s true even for grief caused by losses that others might not recognize or the less-easily categorized hits of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Swallowing or denying the pain of grief can make it fester inside, erupting later in ways ranging from physical ailments to greater difficulty coping with other losses.

But I’ve been dealing with and writing about grief long enough now to have found several solutions—which is good, since my training as a certified Grief Educator has taught me what works for one person might not for another. Consider these seven techniques, many backed by science, for setting grief free and moving toward comfort.

1. Go ahead and cry

It’s our instinctive reaction to loss because it improves our brain chemistry, releasing endorphins as natural painkillers and lowering the stress chemical cortisol. You can set aside time when you won’t be disturbed — a crying date with your heart — or simply allow yourself to stop what you’re doing, find privacy if you crave it, and give in to nature’s built-in method for releasing both grief and the endorphins that can help us eventually feel better.

2. Try this breath meditation

Mindful and even imaginative breathing can not only calm you but lighten your grief. As you exhale, imagine your lungs drawing the grief, along with carbon dioxide, from your bones, muscles, and blood to expel it. Picture it leaving through your lips as a dark fog. Then, as you inhale, visualize your lungs pulling love and light from the sky and taking them deep inside to be absorbed. You can use this technique anytime, anywhere, even in public.

3. Take your feet on a grief walk

Long walks or runs in quiet surroundings—a park, waterside trail, the woods, even a local track—use rhythmic movement to soothe your nervous system and help dispel stress hormones. After my loss, I walked and ran hundreds of miles, driven by an impulse to run away from an inescapable truth. Often, I hung my head or pulled a hoodie around it so I could be mesmerized by the ground streaming past under my feet. Whether I cried along the way or not, this physical activity released endorphins, and the movement helped satisfy the flight aspect of my “fight or flight” stress response and thus tame cortisol— not unlike my involuntary, but less pleasant, trembling. Plus, the meditative time alone surfaced sweet memories of my loved one for me to hold onto and cherish. Other rhythmic physical activities, from chopping wood to swimming or cycling, can have the same effect. Articles and entire books have been written about how physical activity got their authors through loss. It might help you, too.

4. Shift grief to the surface of your body instead

Memorial tattoos have become popular recently as a reminder of both loss and the love behind it. Such a tattoo helped me soothe an intense craving to have my huge loss show on the outside as well, a scar that acknowledged the wound in my heart. Popular tattoo choices include a snatch of a loved one’s handwriting, a meaningful symbol such as a heart or butterfly, or an image from a shared memory (a palm tree from a special vacation, for instance).

If a tattoo’s not your thing, never fear — there are many other ways to move feelings of grief from inside your body to its surface. Memorial jewelry is one, from rings or bracelets engraved with a beloved’s name to pendants made with a bit of their ashes. Special T-shirts or hats, perhaps with encouraging slogans or the semicolon many use to remind themselves that life goes on, can acknowledge losses that range from a lost job to a failed relationship. Or bring nontoxic paints or colorful shower gels into the bathtub. Paint or splatter the colors of your grief on your skin before gently washing those pain marks away.

5. Smash or rip something you can dispense with

There’s a reason grieving people in traditional cultures sing laments and rip their garments or hair — it helps to express the ripping sensations inside. Consider ripping an old sheet or T-shirt to shreds, stomp a series of aluminum cans, throw water balloons at an exterior wall, or bust a few pieces of thrift-shop china. (Take safety precautions with that one.) Twice I bought eggs by the dozen to smash, flinging them, one after another, at a boulder in my yard. Before throwing them, I used a Sharpie to label each with words that represented all I had lost, such as my sweetheart’s smile, his embrace, his sense of humor. Breaking those eggs became a low-cost but cathartic way to express the anger that so often lurks beside grief and helped keep the cracks in my heart from splitting wider. 

6. Create and tend a memorial garden plot

Pour the grief in your body out into the soil by digging and sowing, watering — with tears if need be — and pulling weeds in great yanks that reflect the loss so rudely yanked from your life. In addition to being a physical release, gardening offers a sense of control, while any plants you nurture can remind you of the beauty that still remains in your world. For instance, one of my friends created a flower garden in honor of her mother and now spends much time there, feeling comforted and close to her love.

7. Embody your grief in mindful movement

Although you may be least likely to try this, I can’t recommend it strongly enough. Put on some gentle music, draw the blinds, close your eyes, tell your self-consciousness to get lost, and let your body move to the shape of your grief. You might start by swaying, holding yourself, or curling into a ball with your arms over your head. Listen to what your limbs and your heart want to do. Follow those whims.

If your grief is heavy, let your upper body hang and sway from your waist, or stomp around like a troll. To release hidden anger, throw your arms wide, pump clenched fists like pistons, kick your feet, beat a pillow, or shake your head “no” until your hair flies. Rock yourself on the floor, spin aimlessly, or wander the room in the confusion of grief. If your pain is stuck deep inside, shape your hands into claws and mime dredging it up from the floor, out of the air, or from within your own abdomen to free it. Wail or make guttural sounds, if it helps (and it will). 

This sort of anything-goes movement and sound was so invaluable to my own healing that I continue to practice it even today. 

It always leaves me feeling lighter. If it appeals to you, too, you might also explore a grief yoga class or the various movement forms often called conscious dance. The permission to move, along with supportive leaders to offer examples or guidance, can be life changing.

If I’ve learned anything about grief, it’s that action is always better than inaction — which my trembling body knew before my mind even grasped what had happened. In fact, it’s safe to say the body not only keeps score but wants to express our emotions with actions. Do your own body a favor by trying a few of the methods above for releasing your grief. Be prepared to need such expression again and again. You’re not expelling a germ; you’re tending an organ — your heart. If you become a wise partner in helping your body work through losses it undoubtedly feels, it’s less likely to ambush you later with pain or illness or even uncontrolled shaking that represents a mute cry for help.

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References: Van Der Kolk, Bessel, M.D. The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York: Viking, 2014

You may also enjoy reading The Courageous Art of Supporting Someone in Grief (At Any Age) by Angie Lucas

The post 7 Ways to Release Grief from Your Body appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

What is optimism? Thinking happy thoughts? Denying our dark feelings? Or something richer and more complex?

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As we think about the transition into a new year, I have to ask myself: will this one be better? One of my Facebook friends is always posting about how we should be positive and always have a good attitude. He says that “we create our own reality” and all we need to do is believe things are good and they will be good. This may be right for him, but I just can’t feel that way.

I think the bad things I experience are bad in reality, whether or not I want them to be.

I am not one of those people who is constantly positive and bubbly about life. Some people say that whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I don’t think so. Sometimes life just hits us hard and we feel broken. And I don’t think that every bad experience is an invitation to grow as a person. I haven’t always learned something new or grown as a result of the sufferings I have endured. My mother, father, and wife all passed away within one year. Maybe I should have learned something from this or grown as a person, but all I felt was awful. These explanations of optimism are too much for me.

I know that bad things happen to us all, and especially during a time of pandemic, many people have endured real hardships. Loved ones have become sick. Some have passed away. Jobs have been lost. And in the world of politics — well, it hasn’t been pretty. But at the same time, we have seen untold acts of kindness and a remarkable resiliency exhibited again and again. People reaching out to help others. People changing careers and setting new directions in their lives. Dare we be optimistic about the new year?  

In a recent article in The Atlantic, Scott Barry Kaufmann suggests that “toxic positivity” is unrealistic, and, drawing on the work of Viktor Frankl, he recommends something called “tragic optimism,” which is “the search for meaning amid the inevitable tragedies of human existence.” This is a helpful formulation. As a religious person, I believe the search for meaning is fundamental to life. But do we need to go so far as to say that optimism has to be tragic to be realistic? I don’t think so. To me, it sounds as if that would mean that we have to accept being miserable as a precondition of optimism. I accept that life is fragile, but I don’t see it as fundamentally tragic, even when bad things happen.

When is life tragic? It can become so if we embrace the pain and suffering that are always part of life and refuse to let them go when the time is right. 

My brother-in-law can’t escape the prison he has built for himself. He resents his mother and believes that she is responsible for his marriage breaking up. I try to talk to him, but he turns every conversation into a diatribe against his mother. He just can’t help himself. “Why does she do this to me?” I feel for him, but he won’t think or talk about anything else. He is miserable, and he won’t allow himself to be free. There is no optimism here.

We can choose to make pain and suffering all that we are. But this is a crucial mistake. They are not the essence of life, but they do come to us as part of life. We all have the right to feel terrible — to feel angry, to mourn the passing of loved ones, to resent injustices done to us. Things can hurt us. And we don’t have to bounce back from these experiences quickly. We are all human. The question is: do we let these things define us? 

I believe, and I want to suggest to you, that we are all stronger than we think we are. 

The human spirit is a remarkable thing, and we can pick ourselves back up after we have fallen. It is important to know this, so we don’t talk ourselves out of recovering from tragedy. Every morning we have to make a choice that day about how we want to live our lives. 

At the same time, we also need to be able to admit to ourselves that we might need help recovering from tragedy. Sometimes we get so lost that we need a helping hand. And sometimes there are physical or chemical complications in our lives. I have had people close to me who were addicted to alcohol. They were good people and strong in many ways, but the alcohol kept them from being themselves. We are all stronger than we think we are, but sometimes we need someone else to remind us of this and offer a helping hand. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. Strong people need help too. 

And that brings us back to the search for meaning. This is, I think, the key to an optimism that isn’t just “being positive.” Tradition says that the ancient oracle at Delphi had the exhortation “Know Thyself” at the entrance to the temple. Most of us think that we know ourselves, but this knowledge doesn’t come easily. Socrates says that he spent his whole life trying to understand what the oracle meant. He did this by asking others questions about their lives and choices and then challenging the answers he received. It’s something we should all emulate. And his search for answers led him to insights into what he called eternal, immutable ideas. He began trying to know himself, and he ended up understanding his place in the universe. 

The broad perspective on life that comes from this kind of reflection makes a stronger, more substantive optimism possible, something I call a “mature optimism.” It is based on an understanding of the power of tragedy in our lives, but it allows us to draw on our own strength to overcome it.  

The search for meaning is really a quest; it could last a lifetime. We can always learn more, and our optimism can grow and deepen. So can our strength and resilience.

As human beings, we are all flawed, and in life we all experience our share of disappointments, sadness, and tragedy. No one is immune from this. But this doesn’t mean life itself is tragic. It is possible to accept the reality of pain and still wake up every morning, inspired by what the future might hold for us. Life itself remains beautiful. In spite of what the world has dealt us this last year, and in spite of all that we may have endured, we can dare to be optimistic.

You may also enjoy Interview: Marianne Williamson | A Return To Love And Consciousness with Kristen Noel

The post Mature Optimism: Balancing Beauty, Tragedy and Hope in a Complicated World appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Through music, a boy is gifted an expression of love from his stoic father

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My father and I had many disagreements. He was a wonderful father, but sometimes, to assert my independence, I would disagree with him for no good reason. We always had a good relationship, but there were tensions. Tonight, for reasons I cannot fathom, I asked Alexa to play music by Andres Segovia, the man who was one of the most revered classical guitarists of all time.

That moment took me back in a completely unexpected way to an experience with my father. One I shall never forget.

I had not been thinking of my father, so I don’t know why this happened. I was in middle school in Saratoga, California, and I had been playing the guitar for just a couple of years. I loved it. My parents knew about my interest, and they gave me my first guitar as a present. At that time, I played mostly folk music, meeting with friends and sharing songs after school. I played hours every day. One day my father told me that he had purchased tickets for us to see Segovia in concert in San Francisco. I was stunned. My father loved music, but he never listened to classical guitar music. He was more of a Frank Sinatra kind of guy. And he had never done anything like this before. 

My father sang in the shower, and since he left the bathroom window open, he could be heard at least two houses away. It embarrassed me at the time, but now I treasure the memories. I can still hear his version of Frank Sinatra songs. Sure, I cringe a bit when I remember, but the memories are sweet nonetheless.

He was a person of impeccable character, a good husband to my mother, a good father to me and my two sisters, and a beloved professor of political philosophy. He inspired me in many ways, and later on I chose to follow in his footsteps and become a professor as well. He always took me seriously, listening to my questions and giving me precious time to answer them. 

But he was never any good dealing with feelings. He couldn’t talk about his own feelings, and he was impatient with others when it came to issues related to their feelings. He was of a different generation, a sailor on an aircraft carrier during World War II and…

As far as he was concerned, the best thing to do was deny one’s feelings and carry on. Some people have called his generation the greatest. Perhaps it was, but it came with a price. 

There were times when his awkwardness with feelings could be hurtful. Later, after I had grown up and had been married for several years, my wife and I experienced a miscarriage. I called my parents to tell them that I was devastated. After a short silence, my father said, “Oh well, you can always have another child.” There was no acknowledgment of the pain that my wife and I were feeling. It was one of the most insensitive things I had ever heard. I was so angry with my father, that I couldn’t speak with him for over a year. How could he say that to me? I know he didn’t mean to minimize the pain that my wife and I were feeling, but he couldn’t help himself. He was only saying to me what he would have said to himself.

But that day at the concert, I understood. I had never been to a live performance before, and I had no idea what to expect. I was all dressed up, wearing a tie and a sport coat — a rare thing for me. We arrived at the theater, and I discovered that it was much smaller than I had imagined. I realized later that it was perfect size for a solo guitarist. I was very excited. There was no curtain — just a single wooden chair in the middle of the stage. The simplicity of it was deceptive, because what came after was so complex. 

There was no fanfare. At a certain point, Segovia just walked quietly on to the stage. He didn’t look at the audience, but it wasn’t an affront. He was already absorbed in the music he was about to play. He sat down, looking somewhere into the audience, without focusing on anyone in particular. And then he began. It was magic. I was transfixed. If you have never given classical guitar music a chance, I hope you will listen to some soon. The music was quiet and yet powerful. I had never experienced anything like this before. I loved the guitar, but I had no idea that the instrument could create these sounds. 

About two minutes into the performance, a man who had arrived late, walked into the theater. He was as quiet as he could be as he walked slowly down the aisle and found his seat. But he had disrupted the mood. To my amazement, Segovia stopped playing. He wasn’t angry, and he didn’t reprimand the person who had entered the theater. He just sat quietly on the stage for what seemed like an eternity. And then, he began his piece again, from the beginning. It was a pure and direct experience with music.

I learned that day about beauty. Segovia taught me, but my father made it possible.

My father and I drove home quietly that night. We spoke from time to time about one thing or another — never about what had happened at the theater. I understood much later that my father was communicating with me through the music. He didn’t know how to talk to me about feelings, so he took me to a concert that awakened and celebrated feelings. My father was showing his love to me. Even at the time, I appreciated what he had done, but now I see how much was really going on that night. Through the years, my father and I never discussed that night, but I believe to this day that it was as important to him as it was to me. 

My father passed away several years ago. There were so many things I wish I had said to him, so many questions I still wanted to ask. Now I will never have the chance. But that day at the concert, everything was said with the music. Thank you, father.

You may also enjoy reading Silent Communication: Honoring the Space Between the Words by Doris Schachenhofer

The post Thank You, Father (a Love Story, of Sorts) appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

discover how simply changing the way we breathe can immediately and dramatically change the way we think and feel.

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Breathing, we do it every moment of every day and yet most of us just take it for granted. We see breathing as a binary process, either I’m breathing (and therefore alive) or I’m not breathing (and therefore in danger or already dead). But a little investigation into our own breathing patterns can perforate that belief.

Do you ever find yourself holding your breath while working?
Do you breathe in sharply when you get scared?
Do you breathe through the mouth or nose while asleep?
Do you ever laugh so hard that you lose your breath?
Do you sigh out when something happens that relieves your worry?

A question like this could be asked of any experience we may have because breathing is happening under all of it. Although we may not realize it, the patterns of our breath match the activity of our brains. 

Every emotional state has a signature breathing pattern associated with it. This statement is pretty much folk knowledge, that is, we know this. What you may not know…

Studies (and experience) show that if you practice a specific breathing pattern, it will generate the corollary emotional state.

Instead of being at the mercy of our highly evolved chimp brains run amok on imagination, rumination and constant worry, we can take back control of our brains and let it work for us. There is a lever into the brain that we can use to shift it and that lever is the breath.

By altering the volume, rate and source of our breath, we alter the functioning of our entire mind body. This changes the way we feel, the way we perceive and the way we can easily operate. It’s very simple.

The 5 brain states we currently know about are:

DELTA (0-4hz) – This is a state of deep, dreamless sleep, rest and meditation, it is also often seen in people under anesthesia. This state is very conducive to healing and deep unconscious processing.
THETA (4-8hz) – Often associated with REM (dream) sleep, hypnosis, or passive absorption. Young children are usually this state which makes them extremely receptive to information & learning.
ALPHA (8-13hz) – Often referred to as a flow state, it is marked by a relaxed, almost playful outward engagement. We feel calm, fluid and centered. We function well in this state.
BETA  (13-30hz) – A state of alert focus, tunneled vision and some nervous tension. This state can be very functional (if we are trying to focus on work) or very dysfunctional (if we are anxious and mentally stuck, worrying about things).
GAMMA (>30hz) – Less is known about gamma, it seems to be a cathartic state that facilitates healing, release of trauma and other transpersonal or superconscious states, as well as states of peak performance.

Do you often come home from work and want to attend to your family, but feel like you can’t really be present? Your brain is probably still on high beta from the work day.

Do you ever wake up from a nap and feel groggy and out of it for a while after? Your brain is probably still in delta or theta.

As we come to understand these different brain states and as we learn to recognize them in ourselves, we gain the power to shift them. Via the breath, we can take back control over our minds. Our own psyche is a vast and rich landscape to explore, there is so much more to life than beta productivity.

The general rule for moving one’s self up and down the scale is this:

If we breathe faster, our brains become more active. If we breathe slower, our brains become less active.

Via conscious breathing choices, we can choose and enter the brain state we want or which would best facilitate our activity. If you want to experiment with this yourself, try breathing rhythmically (with inhales and exhales of equal length). Speed up the pace for 5-10 breaths and notice how you feel. Then slow down the pace for 5-10 breaths and notice how you feel.

If you feel overwhelmed, breathe slowly and lightly. If you feel tired, breathe fully and more quickly. Within moments you will feel the difference and within minutes, measurable changes in heart rate, blood pressure, brain and metabolic activity, as well as hormone secretion will occur. 

It’s very quick, very effective, always available and totally natural.

If you’re interested in further exploring the breath and these different brain states here are a few breathing practices to try:

DELTA – 1 Minute Breath (20 seconds inhale, exhale and hold). Breathing this slowly without stress will require practice. Brahmaree Breath (easy inhale, exhale while steadily humming).
THETA – Box Breath (equal count inhale, hold, exhale, hold), slowly and without stress. Also slow Cyclical Breathing (equal inhale and exhale, without pause).
ALPHA – Cyclical Breathing (equal inhale and exhale without pause), the slower you breathe, the more relaxed you’ll feel. 
BETA – Cyclical Breathing at a quicker pace, Bhastrika (sharp inhale, sharp exhale) or Kapalbhati, breath of fire, (small sharp exhales from the nose, followed by a passive inhale of equal size).
GAMMA – Overbreathing practices (big breaths through the mouth for extended periods of time, 30 minutes to hours).

**if you are new to breathing, I advise seeking a group for gamma breathing practices. Holotropic Breathwork or Owaken Breathwork are two styles I like. 

Our breath is constantly affecting us, whether we are using it consciously or unconsciously. We should probably learn how to work with it.

It can contribute to our stress or it can alleviate it. Breath can harmonize our mind body and boost our health or it can degrade us and leave us depleted. 

Breath is a powerful tool, but we have to learn how to use it. The more we give it attention, the more we practice, the more powerful it becomes and the more empowered we become. ENJOY!

You may also enjoy Best Self Yoga: Inner Power Warrior Flow by Carter Miles

The post Breath, Your Brain and the Power to Change appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Whatever you find, Whatever you’ve been through, love it as much as you possibly can; A new revelation calls for a proper revision…

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I was talking with a new friend yesterday, we talked about all the things I love talking about. Yoga, health, philosophy, wellbeing, love, sex, god, relationships, trauma, drama, psychology and recreating one’s self. I said something to him that I had been contemplating and writing about that day and it hit me that the words I used perfectly contradicted an article I had previously written, Can’t Take My Old Self With Me by Carter Miles. I told my friend…

“I can’t leave my old self behind.”

It’s funny how as we unlock and evolve, we ascend to greater heights and then we see things from such a radically different perspective… we wonder how we didn’t realize this before? C’est la vie. 

Many years of my life I have been trying to fix myself, perfect myself, or just become something other than what I am.

I tried on different roles, I covered myself with tattoos, all of this because I didn’t like myself. I definitely didn’t love my self.

I’d grow a little, maybe a lot, start gaining steam and think ‘yes this is me now’ only to eventually fall back into old feelings and old patterns. Then I’d get down on myself, I’d spiral into shame or apathy and think “welp, I guess this is the real me after all.” A pendulum, I’d swing back and forth and back and forth, but every time I fell back I got stuck there.

This has been a crazy two years… as a yoga teacher, my business was turned upside down ‘due to covid’. I haven’t felt financial security for these two years. There were great highs and great lows, the lows particularly low after the highs. I got stuck in lows.

I hiked 700 miles, I moved across the country with a best friend / lover, it didn’t work out, I drained all my savings living with my heart locked up. I moved back across the country, back to my old life, I didn’t know if I would keep living much longer. I seriously thought about ending it. 

I found some temporary stability in my old life, my old city, my old work. I met a woman. She’s fucking great and she loves me. It’s taken us a while to let ourselves be really seen by one another. So much facade, so much fear, but we learned how to trust and we kept leaning into it.

When I’m down she loves me back up and when she’s down I do the same. I had to learn how to love and I had to let myself receive it.

I moved again, Los Angeles turned kinda crazy and again it was time for me to leave. She still loved me, even though it hurt to do so. We realized, if this is good, we’ll make it work. We are. With her I’ve learned to love another and I’ve learned to love my self.

I’m in a new city, I’m creating a new life, I’m discovering a new me and I fucking love him. But still I live like a pendulum going back and forth. But, I’m wiser now (at least a little) and I’m starting to see more clearly…

I can never be just the new me. I’ve been through too much, my experiences, my pain, my patterns have been baked into my neurology. But I’ll also never just be the old me, I’ve experienced too much beauty, too much love… I can’t forget it.

I woke up the other morning, feeling tired and distressed and I noticed that feeling ‘welp, this is what I am’. I got caught up in apathy, then I realized…

I am not the new me or the old me, I am the pendulum that swings back and forth between the past and the present. I cannot forget the life behind me, I have to bring it with me.

So as I swing back into Carter past, I grab whatever I find and I fucking love it as much as I possibly can and as I love it, we swing together back into the present…and the pain is gone.

We’re all caught between the person we were raised and programmed to be and the person that we truly are and want to be. Neither one is real, we are only what we are now. The path from what we were to what we could be, that path is love. So whatever pain you feel, love it. It’ll make sense soon enough.

You may also enjoy reading Giving and Receiving Love: Releasing Negative Thoughts and Beliefs by Bridgitte Jackson-Buckley

The post No Man Left Behind: Growing from vs. Separating from Our Past appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

Getting over the fantasies, the drama, trauma and self sabotage to have truly fulfilling relationships.

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Endlessly searching for love with all its nuances has been the story of my life. From a very young age into much of my adult life, I was driven by a seemingly insatiable need to understand and to find love, believing and hoping that true love that satisfies had to exist somewhere. The desperation of wanting to find love coupled with the belief that somewhere on this planet of 8 billion people surely ‘the one’ existed, which led me down a continuous cycle of searching for love (often in all the wrong places) finding it, losing it, suffering through the drama and trauma only to rally again and jump back in. 

Story of my life: Finding love, losing love, falling in love to fall out of love, in then out, out then back in, and repeat. 

The summer before my senior year in high school, I knew I was in love. You might be thinking, “How silly. Of course, you weren’t in love. You were too young to even know what that means.” While that may be true, in my young mind, I had found the one, the perfect gentleman. He was my knight in shining armor and we were going to ride off into the sunset of eternal bliss. 

The plans I had for the upcoming summer were beyond staying home and hanging out with my boyfriend. I was off to visit my dad and then on to summer camp. It was my last summer before graduating from high school and I wanted to enjoy it. From my point of view, my boyfriend and I were deeply in love, I was committed to him, and we would marry soon, so naturally my plans were insignificant and inconsequential. Imagine my surprise while sitting in McDonald’s one summer day, when my boyfriend said, “I know what goes on at camp…” and then proceeded to tell me that he could not handle it if I cheated on him, therefore, we should break up. I was crushed. Here I was, living in the bliss of believing that I had found my one true love of a lifetime only to have the proverbial rug ripped out from underneath me. What do you do when your fairytale comes crashing in around you? I did what any self-respecting girl would do. I got up, brushed off the cobwebs and headed straight to camp to get my summer romance on. 

The seemingly lightheartedness of my decision to continue with my plans of going to camp and having a fling, did not match what was occurring inside. I was devastated. Confused. Was there something wrong with me? Why didn’t he trust me? What if he was the one and I’ve lost him? Now what? Does that mean I will never be happy? Not knowing the answers to these questions but determined to figure this relationship thing out, I spent the next few years in and out of relationships doing the best I could to navigate the various dynamics, often failing miserably. When the inevitable breakup would occur, overwhelming heartbreak would follow and yet I always found another lover and jumped back in. 

The tantalizing feelings of falling in love, the intensity of the drama when things were falling apart, and the devastation of the heartbreak when the breakup occurred were all strangely satisfying. 

One day while contemplating the ins and outs of love, my McDonalds breakup boyfriend called. Secretively, underneath all the action, I was still in love with him so naturally when he asked if we could give it another go, my response was a quick and excited, “Yes!” Hope was still alive! Maybe my idea of the one was true, and fate was bringing him back around. There is a lot more to share about round 2, but suffice it to say, the second break up was more horrendous than the first. Over the moon ecstatic to visit him over Christmas. Excitedly calling to chat about our plans… and hearing a woman’s voice answer the phone. Punch… to… the… gut. Listening to him explain that he was getting married, well, that was the punch that took me to the floor. 

Most of us have had a broken relationship or two. If you and I were sharing a glass of wine or sipping morning coffee, you would likely have your stories to share. How does one recover when the love you have dreamed of and perhaps even believed you had fades away? Where do you start in rebuilding your life when it has been centered around another and they are no longer there? 

It would take me many years and many relationships before I could answer those questions. Somewhere, amid the heartache and pain, I discovered what would set me free. 

These are my top 3 tips on how to move forward and thrive after the loss of a relationship. 

1. Stop believing in fairytales

Fairytales. Oh, how we love them. Societies and cultures perpetuate relationship fairytales and when these fairytales are believed, suffering is often the result. If your life and relationship don’t work out as they do in the fairytales, rather than considering that the fairytale might not be true, we typically decide that either there is something wrong with us or that we must just be unlucky in love. What if neither of these are true? What if the love you desire and the love you seek did not have to come from someone else? What if the love you desire and the love you seek can come from you? Taking it a step further…

What if love for yourself is actually the love you crave?

Perhaps loving yourself seems impossible. Perhaps judging is far more familiar. A great question you can ask is, “What’s right about me that I am not getting?” This question is designed to take you beyond self-judgment so that you can start to see and perceive the gift you are. 

A self-gratitude journal can assist too. Daily, write down at least 3 things about you that you are grateful for. As you discover the gift of you, you will likely discover that you are far greater than you know. When you love you, you no longer need to seek love from an outside source.

2. Make yourself a priority 

Have you ever asked the question, “What do I desire to create as my life?” Have you ever given yourself permission to be honest with yourself and clarify what would be fun for you? If we don’t look at what we desire for our lives, it becomes very easy to get into a relationship, make it all about the other person, sacrifice what we desire in favor of them and the relationship and then resent the hell out of the other person when the relationship ends.

News flash, a relationship that does not include you and what you desire is destined to end. How can it work when you are not in it? 

What if, on the heels of a breakup, you took some time to get to know you? What if you began exploring things that light you up and make you come alive? Start writing a list of all the things that bring joy to your life and then daily, choose to do one or more things on the list. Keep adding to your list. Keep choosing the things you desire. Not only will it assist with getting through the breakup, but it will also prepare you to have greater relationships in the future because you will know and value you more.

3. You are the one you’ve been looking for

You have likely been told that happiness is outside of you and that finding and maintaining a relationship is key to finding that happiness. Having this as your point of view guarantees disappointment and frustration because even if you have a wonderful relationship, no one on the planet can fulfill you. Only you can do that. You are a unique gift to the world. You have beauty and a brilliance like none other. You are the source, the one who can create your life exactly as you desire. When you make this your point of view, you find freedom. You are no longer at the effect of others. If you have a relationship, it will be one that adds to your life and makes it greater. If you do not have a relationship, that will be ok too because ultimately you will know, “I’ve got this!” 

It is possible to move forward and thrive after a relationship has ended.

Shift your focus from the sad story onto the beauty of you. Lose the fairytale ideals that leave you feeling like there is something wrong with you. Discover the things about you that you are grateful for and explore the activities, hobbies and adventures that bring you joy… and do more of those things. Put these things into practice and the strength, power and potency you will uncover may just catapult you into more peace and happiness than you have yet known.   

You may also enjoy Interview: Nancy Levin | #Worthy with Kristen Noel

The post Making Sense and Finding Meaning in Broken Relationships appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

A plant cannot help but reach towards the sunlight, and something deep within humans cannot help but seek love.

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I never let myself receive love. Throughout all my life, with my own parents, my siblings, my friends and my lovers… there have been so many people who have loved me and yet I barely felt any of it. I never let myself receive love because I didn’t trust love, I didn’t trust people who said they loved me. Bad things tended to follow that statement. And because I didn’t love myself, I didn’t consider myself worthy of it.

My own fears and my own judgements blocked me from receiving love. Still, I still sought it out… I guess we all do, even if we are so resistant to it.

A plant cannot help but reach towards the sunlight, I think something deep within humans cannot help but seek love.

So, I always sought it out in the safest form I knew, praise. I worked hard to perfect myself, fixing myself and trying to better myself, even to the point of harming and denying myself to become something praiseworthy. Then I would show off what I had done, because the thing itself (the growth, the accomplishments) didn’t matter, all that mattered was that I got the praise (replacement for love) that I was looking for. I was starving for love and that was the closest thing that I could digest. But I never felt good doing this, the payoff was always meager and short-lived, like a dopamine hit. It always left me empty and needing more.

I didn’t feel good, but I also couldn’t be honest about that, I couldn’t share my pain with anyone because I also believed that no one could love that part of me.

So I lived practically my entire life surrounded by people and yet alone and self-isolated by my own projections. Separated from all those who loved me and wanted so desperately to love me, but who I kept at a distance. I protected myself with my ‘good boy’ mask and only accepted love through that. How much love have I denied in my life and then acted like no one loved me properly? How many theories about love and aloneness had I conjured up just to justify and perpetuate my isolation?

How rarely had I let the world experience me in my beautiful, messy, authentic and passionate glory?

All my life I had denied my greatest gifts to the world, my self, my energy, my truth and my love, because I had been so terrified that it would be rejected, ridiculed or attacked. Living with fear is no way to live; it’s more of a slow march around the beating, bleeding, center of one’s life, never really diving in. Alone in the world and cut off from my real self and the source of real power. But, like this, I cannot keep going. It hurts too much, the cost is too great, and frankly the fear is inflated. 

May I erase this belief:

What I am is not good enough, broken, incorrect and not worthy of love. That I need to suffer and struggle (alone) to perfect myself before I can enter the world and be of any good. That I need to be perfect to receive love.

May I replace it with this belief:

I am beautiful. I was born pure and worthy of love, but got fucked up by life events. The impressions they created and the patterns they set in motion are not me. I am life and love embodied as Carter and I want desperately to shine and share and partake in the world

May I live with this vow:

I will not suppress my life, I will not hide my truth, I will not block my love from pouring forth. I will feel my shit and honor my emotions, I will let my truth be seen, I will love my self through all of it and I will hold this same loving energy for others.

You may also enjoy Interview: Nancy Levin | #Worthy with Kristen Noel.

The post We Feel Only as Much Love as We Allow Ourselves to appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

We work and learn and grow and change and then fall back into our old and outworn patterns of being… Can we ever break this cycle?

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Afraid of one’s self, one’s mind, one’s past and one’s patterns… aren’t we all a bit afraid of lapsing back into the persons we used to be? We work and learn and grow and change and then fall back into our old and outworn patterns of being… What is this? One can never really lapse back into who they used to be, so what is happening here?

Often we align ourselves with who we have been and what we have done in the past. We probably identify ourselves as our past. But everything is constantly changing and we humans in particular have such a great capacity (maybe infinite) capacity to change and be changed in a moment. Does it make sense then to align one’s self with one’s past? Compared to the infinite, yet still undefined, potential of the future, and our natural inclination towards learning, growing, achieving and becoming… no.

It doesn’t make practical sense to identify with our past (good or bad) when we really meditate on what we are and what we could become.

These past patterns, our attachments to them and our identification with them as defining ‘what we are’… as we release the rigidity of our beliefs about ourselves, the possibility of change becomes reality. Our capacity to forget the past (who we have been, what we have done, what has been done unto us and how we have reacted) is an essential part of our capacity to create a new future.

Remember that the potential for change is great, potentially infinite. The extent to which we relax our identification with the past and replace that identification with something greater, that is the extent to which we can continue the process of growing and becoming ever greater. Most of us get caught up on an early formed idea of ourselves (bad or good) and spend most of our lives punishing ourselves for this idea and fearing the punishment of others or praising ourselves for this idea and searching for the praise of others.

It’s probably better to release the idea and to trust the process that evolved us thus far.

This is essentially the maxim ‘keep your eyes on the prize’ writ out in a psycho-philosophical context. Keep your mind’s eye on the goal, on the good (on GOD), on the highest vision available to you. Keep releasing and detaching from all that has passed, knowing that it does not determine what will come to be tomorrow. The past is no more true than the future; this is not a metaphysical weighing of the truth of one vs. the other.

Change is the deeper truth… and identification (the ideas one holds in one’s mind and gives credence to) guides the process in a specific direction.

The process is already and always underway, it cannot be arrested. Aim high and hold your mind steady. Trust the process to take you higher still. 

You may also enjoy Sleep Better… A Few Stretches for Bedtime by Carter Miles

The post Moving Past Old Patterns Allows Us to Boldly Step into the Future appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Anger wells up within us pretty quickly. Is there anything we can do to quell its impending explosion? Yes, there is.

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You can feel it start. The anger is about to explode. You don’t want to lash out, but something inside you seems to be pushing you on. And before you know it, you find yourself shouting at a total stranger.

The last year has been difficult for all of us. Even fairly even-tempered people find themselves touchy these days. After lockdowns and social distancing and masks, we have become wary of one another. And so many things have become political as well. We find ourselves expecting to be upset by other people, even before they say or do anything. We see reports in the news every day of people losing their tempers at restaurants, on planes, and on the road. And just when things seem to be opening up a little, many of us have been unable to adjust.

What happened? Can we do anything about it?

The answer is yes. As a fifth-degree black belt and certified martial arts instructor, I have spent years teaching people in meditative practices.

But you don’t need to be accomplished in meditation to help yourself when you feel that you are about to lose your temper. A few basic insights can help you at those difficult moments.

The key is preparation.

1. Pick a Visual Image

The first thing you need to do is take a moment right now to pick a visual image that you can remember and that you can focus on when you begin to feel angry. You can’t wait until you are already in a situation where you feel anger coming on. Pick the image now so that you can use it when you need it.

Women and their partners who had Lamaze training for childbirth will recognize this idea of having a visual image, but it is commonly the way that both men and women begin to learn meditation. Now that I have been meditating for many years, I don’t need a visual image, but when I first began, I chose a picture I once took near Mt. Rushmore. It wasn’t a picture of the actual monument. It was a picture of a boulder, surrounded by bushes on a path near the visitor center. I just found it beautiful for some reason I can’t explain. I felt peaceful looking at it. So I chose it as my visual image.

The image you pick has to be chosen just for you. No one else can pick it for you.

It can be anything that works for you — anything that gives you a feeling of peace. Once you have picked a visual image, try bringing it to mind at different times during the day. You will find that it helps you feel better. That’s step number one.

2. Learn to Breathe Deeply

The next step is to learn how to breathe in a way that helps you control your heartbeat. When we are in tense situations, our heartbeat increases, our muscles begin to tense up, and we begin to pump adrenaline into our system. This is sometimes known as the “fight or flight” response. It is an evolutionary effect to help us deal with danger, but it can also make it more difficult for us to handle tension or conflict.

We can manage this bodily response with breathing. It isn’t sufficient to “take a deep breath,” even though this is what is often recommended to people when they begin to feel angry. One deep breath is virtually useless.

In order to slow your heartbeat down, you need to begin breathing deeply as soon as you feel anxious and keep breathing deeply until you feel better. This breathing must be in regular intervals.

When you practice this, try breathing in through your nose and count until your lungs are full. Then exhale through your mouth, counting for the same amount of time to empty your lungs. So, if you counted to five for the inhale, count to five for the exhale. The rhythm of these deep breaths will slow down your heartbeat and cut off the sudden supply of adrenaline, making it much easier for you to calm down.

3. Think of Why You are Angry

Anger is rarely a helpful emotion. In the martial arts, we teach people to banish their anger, even if we have to fight, because anger clouds our minds and tricks us into acting in ways that do not help us. We learn from Book I of Plato’s Republic that anger is associated with a sense of aggrieved justice.

We get angry when we feel we have been treated unjustly. But the anger we feel keeps us from actually exploring the perceived injustice.

Think for a moment about these three questions. First, even if you feel you are suffering some injustice, are you getting angry with a person who is being knowingly unjust? Is the person actually trying to treat you unjustly, or is that person just acting ignorantly? Does it really make any sense to be angry with people who don’t even know what they are doing? They might be completely clueless about what they are doing and how it affects you.

A teacher of mine told a story about going to the zoo with his son. They were standing in front of the zebra cage when one of the zebras leaned over, took his son’s hat, and ate it. His son was very angry with the zebra, until his father explained that the zebra didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t know that hats belonged to people or that they were not food. He was just being a zebra. It makes no sense to get angry at a zebra for just being what it is. Once his son understood this, he felt much better. His hat was still gone, but he didn’t feel angry any more.

Second, is the person you are getting angry with actually responsible for the injustice? This is a common scenario. My father was a wonderful man, but he was guilty of this. If we were in a restaurant and he thought things cost too much, he would yell at the waitress. But she didn’t set the prices. And the owner of the restaurant didn’t set the prices in a vacuum. Costs go up for restaurants all the time, and these get passed on to customers. It feels wrong, but it really isn’t a particular person’s fault. There’s no reason to yell at the waitress or the owner. My father was really just angry at the situation, the reality, and he picked the person nearest to him to vent his anger. He always felt bad later on, but the damage had been done.

Finally, even if someone is knowingly being unjust to you, and even if it is clear that this person is responsible for the injustice, ask yourself if being angry will help the situation. Will anger solve the problem or make the problem bigger? Usually anger complicates a fairly simple situation and escalates a problem. Could you achieve more by simply explaining yourself and stating in a straightforward manner why you would like to see a different outcome? Try putting things into words that clarify what you are feeling. There is a much better chance that you will achieve the result you want in any situation if you are able to articulate what it is that you want and discuss how to get there.

Three simple steps: Focus on a peaceful visual image. Practice conscious breathing. And think of why you are angry. Then, try explaining why you feel the way you do, rather than exploding.

Together, these techniques can help you through difficult moments, and they can greatly enhance the quality of your life.

We could all use a little more calm these days.

You may also enjoy reading What Are You Really Crying About? by Alison Hammer

The post How Not to Lose Your Temper: 3 Simple Tips to Reduce Anger and Calm Emotions appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

This past season I set the intention to try new things — a way to face my fears, open my mind and maybe take some risks.

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When you have children, you often find yourself bringing new foods to the table with a smile that says, “Just try it.” Unfortunately, the only way to expand the palate is to introduce new textures and flavors a couple of times. One time does not a habit make, so even though it may have been spit out the first and second tries, the third time is usually the charm.

But it is not just foods that we introduce little by little. We spend a lot of time exploring activities too, like baseball, soccer, dance, archery, and even swimming. Fortunately, a child’s mind is very malleable and open to most new experiences. Think about the time your child jumped from the monkey bars trying to fly, they embrace the rush of adventure even if they lack the common sense of safety.

About 50 years later, my children have grown and settled into their own likes and dislikes. They occasionally reach beyond their comfort zones to try something new and then relish their ability to be creative. I, on the other hand, often feel fear at the prospect of doing something new. 

I consider myself more adventurous than most, but fear of failure or getting injured definitely gets in the way.

So this past summer, I set the intention to try new things. I decided that I was going to face some of my fears, open my mind and take risks. This manifested itself one day recently when I woke up and deemed it a “Me” day.

I had recently purchased a stand-up paddleboard (SUP) after only two previous attempts at using one. My first time was probably three years ago, and it was challenging to say the least. The water was choppy, the board unstable, and I spent the next three days struggling to stand or squat from the sore muscles. The next time, I almost went out with a friend, but the wind was a little tricky, and secretly I was relieved for the excuse. But that did not stop me from convincing my husband that I wanted a SUP.

I guess my persuasion skills were spot-on because we purchased my very own pink and green board the following weekend. Of course, the fact that I bought it for the colors speaks to my knowledge of the sport. But still, with the board rolling behind me to the bay, I was ready to give it a third try. If broccoli and Brussels can stick around after try three, the board had a pretty good chance.

Off I went, paddling over smooth, glassy water. It was fantastic. I was mesmorised by the sound of the paddle dipping into the water and the board cutting through. It was the most Zen experience I ever had. I felt one with the water and entirely at peace. That was until I lost my focus, forgot I was standing on the water, and landed in the bay with a splash. 

I laughed at myself as I climbed back up and continued onwards. Im pretty damn proud of myself for not giving up.

Then, I moved to my next adventure, a Thai Massage. Without knowing what I was getting myself into, I laid down on the floor mats, and my masseuse, Jane, led me through a combination of gentle yoga stretches while she opened my joints. ‘This helps to increase the flow of energy’ she told me. My hour went by in a minute, and as I finished, I swore I would never get a “regular” massage again. My time with Jane was transformative, and I floated out of the studio finally understanding when people have told me their love of massage work.

But wait, it was only 2 pm, and I still had a little more me-time. On my way from my massage room, I passed the yoga studio and noticed these beautiful silk hammock-like things hanging from the ceiling. The sign said, ‘Aerial Yoga’ Ok — I was in. I had always wanted to float gracefully through the air like a cirque du sole performer. Here was my chance.

Unfortunately, my chance had to wait a few days, but that would give me time to get excited and stay resolute. On the day of my class, I arrived early to get a peek at the studio again. Boy, was I surprised when the receptionist told me I was the only one signed up. My plan was to hang out in the back and blend in with the others… so much for that. It was going to be a solo class. My instructor, Marissa, came and set up our ‘hammocks’. I told her I was nervous as this was entirely out of my comfort zone. I do yoga, yes, but always with my hands and feet firmly planted on the ground. 

We started slowly just sitting in the scarf, and I thought, this isn’t so bad. Then, she started asking me if I wanted to backbend. I wanted to say, “I’m not comfortable going backward —ever,” but when I opened my mouth, a resounding, “Sure” came out. We hung upside down; we swung like superman, then she asked, “Are you ready to flip?” 

Again, the panic rose in my throat, and I wanted to say, “Maybe next time,” but when I opened my mouth, “Sure” came out again. 

I then said, “Instead of asking, I guess I am in for whatever you suggest.” 

I flipped twice and loved it. I felt like the girl in a cabaret bar that wraps beautiful material around her legs as she hangs from the ceiling. When the class was over, Marissa remarked that most people don’t do even half of what I did in the first class. I told her about my ‘me day’ and she applauded.

It’s easy to get stuck. It happens to all of us. The key is to give yourself permission to get out of that prescribed, comfortable box and explore something new. It doesn’t have to be as dramatic as my ‘me’ day, but it might energize you. If you fall or fail, laugh it off and reward yourself anyways, you’re still growing.

You may also enjoy reading Shifting the Mindset of Failure Can Set Yourself Up to Succeed by Monica Levi

The post Go Ahead… Try Something New! appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

You can’t make change in your life without inviting some form of introspection — and fortunately, this is exactly the purpose of self-surrender

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Surrendering is a unique and bizarre experience. Sometimes you don’t have any choice in the matter; life humbles and expands you in such a way that what little resistance there was inside of you fades on its own. But there are other times as a human where you must consciously choose to surrender or continue to resist. Much like riding a skateboard and doing an ollie down an eight-count stair set and falling on your face, elbow or back ten times in a row. 

Skateboarding taught me to view the world as an outcast and thus as someone who could consciously choose to interpret the physical and social concrete constructs of roads, buildings and society as locations of abstract creativity and fun. 

My earliest experience with this concept of surrender and resistance was at the age thirteen when I first started skateboarding. Or maybe it was the experience of smoking ganja at the age of fourteen and experiencing the chaos of the human mind resisting and trying to make sense of its own inherent need for time and space linearity which was prompted by this body & mind-altering substance. 

I don’t follow traditional examples of surrender even though I do love to dabble in the depth of various traditions and cultures. The experience of surrender is quite subjective and can be non-linear; however, there is a certain objective truth in resisting the changes you need to make in your own life. I feel like you can’t make change in your life without inviting some form of introspection — and fortunately, this is exactly what the art of self-surrender allows for.

To clarify the word, surrender here may relate to my experience as a skateboarder and early experiences smoking ganja, but it isn’t limited to this, the English language or the English imagination. Instead, the reference to surrender here that I make expands to the concept and practice of Islam, Isvarapranidhana from yoga and Hukam from Sikhi. 

Growing up as a Sikh I was introduced to the concept of Hukam which I understood to mean that there is a free will in one’s life and thus the outcomes that follow. This concept I first observed by watching how Sikhs lived their lives — but then it expanded as I started my self-study of the theology and history. After this I began to see the relation of this concept of Hukam to the humanitarian objectives of Sikhism as a religion and spirituality, which are very much based on the concept of seva or selfless service to other humans that are in need in life by providing basic sustenance.

A monumental change in my life came when I was finishing my formal studies as a historian in college and simultaneously flourishing in my emerging career as a personal fitness trainer and my full-time fascination and practice of powerlifting. I came to a realization, in 2016 when I took a break from everything mentioned above, of how many emotions, experiences and thoughts I had suppressed and not fully digested.

I had lived so much, but I didn’t digest any of it because I never slowed down. This realization brought me into a deep state of chaos and turmoil. It wasn’t until I surrendered to simplicity that peace came back into my life. 

What helped bring this idea of simplicity into practice at that time was yoga and the underlying concept of Isvarapranidhana. In my interpretation and experience, Isvarapranidhana means to surrender to the divine will of the universe through the practice of self-realization. 

The experience of yoga gave me a deeper understanding of what it meant to truly explore myself without having to concern myself with the worries of others. This sounds selfish but, for me, it is a self-care practice that allows an individual human to understand and prioritize their own existence before their responsibility towards other humans. As a result, this investment into oneself provides greater opportunity to share greater universal energy with other humans; that is, if you can remain unbound to the unhealthy fluctuations of ego, desire and identity.

The most recent evolution in my life came through the introduction of the practice of Ramadan, which I practiced first in 2016 when I dove into the practice of yoga and with it, different forms of poetry and art. 

I didn’t know then as I know now how great of an influence Islam would have on me. My interpretation of the Arabic word Islam, the practice and religion itself is surrender; surrendering to Allah in such a way that outward expression and introspection unite in releasing egotistical perceptions. My path and practice of Islam is more inclined with the Sufi interpretation of Islam rather than the practical and traditional understandings of Sunni & Shia. The poetic words of Sufi poets like Hafiz, Ibn Arabi and Bulleh Shah have indeed done something to my soul that I still don’t understand. In fact, it was during Ramadan 2020 that I openly expressed to myself in the art forms of writing and drawing which have now developed into my first book, innocence. 

Mysticism continues to influence me to surrender regardless of whether it comes from the outcast ways of skateboarding life, ganja, practicing Sikhism, yoga or Islam.

I can’t provide a step-by-step guide on the concept of self-surrender because I feel that this experience is for everyone to unravel on their own, but I can say there is much value in exploring one’s own surrender regardless of what exactly it looks like.

What you gain from opening yourself to the practice of self-surrender is an unlimited spectrum of opportunities to challenge and explore the objective and your subjective internal and external world while you are still alive in this body. 

My experiences with skateboarding, yoga, Islam and Sikhism have continued to inspire me to remain open to the art and practice of self-surrender because I truly don’t know what will happen as a result. What self-surrender means to me is continuously opening myself up to the possibility of chance and allowing myself to learn from every experience. In other words, I remain open to be challenged by life or myself. 

I’ve learned it is crucial to learn how to be comfortable with uncomfortable experiences because they are what create expansion and growth. 

How I apply self-surrender daily in my life is by having a fixed one-hour yoga practice which includes thirty minutes of asana/ physical postural practice and thirty minutes of meditation on inhaling and exhaling from a seated position. This, in addition to praying five times a day according to Islamic tradition, skateboarding for a minimum of one hour a day, one hour of strength training and thirty minutes of journaling and relaxation are my embodied and applied practices. That is roughly four-five hours daily spent in these applied practices and this is what is defined as discipline. And with this practice, I maintain a constant level of surrender, which I access by continuously challenging and enabling myself for growth and instilling discipline. What I gain from this practice of self-surrender is wisdom — and wisdom is priceless. 

In my upcoming book innocence, the art of self-surrender is expressed through the exploration of the concept of innocence through poetry and short stories. Innocence takes the concept of self-surrender to the furthest depth and elevation and perhaps will leave you with an enlightened experience while pulling the emotional strings of your heart.

You may also enjoy reading A God Box: A Practice For Surrendering Worries & Fears by Kristen Noel

The post The Art of Self-Surrender appeared first on BEST SELF.

We have a physical body, a programming body, and a spiritual body. Nurturing each helps us hone our intuition… and wellbeing.

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The first significant portion of my life I lived as a skeptic. I wasn’t exposed to many aspects of spirituality. One plus one always equaled two and I was happy with that. When I opened up intuitively at the age of 31, as a result of my grandmother appearing to me moments after she passed away, I started to learn more about how we are all connected and how our energy affects this life of ours.

The Three Bodies

One of the things I learned that had probably the greatest impact on my spiritual path was the idea of three bodies. We have a physical body, a programming body, and a spiritual body. The physical body is our physical, material body and we care for it through food, water and exercise. The programming body is our human mind cared for through meditation, therapy, relaxation, and the information we take in. The spiritual body is our energetic body. It’s the one that most of us don’t take time to care for, most often because we were never taught to.

Why is it Important to Take Care of the Energy Body?

When I learned about balancing my spiritual body, my whole world changed for the better. I began to see many of the issues I was having were more intense than they needed to be. This is because our spiritual body extends outside of our physical body and the energetic vibrations of our environments affect our spiritual body often before we consciously notice.

Have you ever walked into a room and just knew there was anger in that room before you saw any evidence of it? That is because your spiritual body picks up the energy of that anger before you even see or hear it with your physical body.

When we take care of our spiritual body by filtering out what isn’t necessary on our path, our life gets lighter and quite a bit easier. We walk into that room and experience what’s going on without letting it get to us.

It sounds simple and it actually is. My guides taught me an incredibly simple process of setting up this filter, so it blocks out what is not necessary on your path.

And, better yet, as a result of this practice you will begin to attract more of what you want on your path. (Instructions below)

How to Take Care of Your Spiritual Body

The technique my guides showed me is called GCP, aka Ground, Clear, Protect. It is an intention exercise that takes just seconds to do but is massively positive in your life. It is the formula of the exercise that really makes the impact, utilizing all three elements of it by grounding, clearing, and then protecting.

The Positive Effects on Your Intuition

My guides taught me GCP, not just for balance on my spiritual path, but also to assist me in opening up my intuition further. When my grandmother showed up in my living room in spirit form, it nudged my intuition to crack open, but it didn’t slam open those intuitive doors for me. I had to work on other aspects of myself in order to access the strong intuition I am able to access today. GCP allowed me to do just that.

Intuition flows best through a clear channel and GCP helps you to keep that channel open.

By doing GCP and taking care of our spiritual body, we are moving forward in life, collecting less unnecessary energies. Have you ever gone to the store and came home crabby, but you don’t know why? Maybe it’s because you picked up and brought the irritable energy of the person behind you in the checkout line. Their energy expands outside their physical body just like yours and if you’re not careful, it can stick to you.

When you carry excess energy that you don’t need, or is not necessary for your path, you clutter your energy field and mind. Intuition has a heck of a time working through that. If you asked me what tool makes the biggest impact in honing your intuition, I would tell you it is GCP.

Instructions on Using GCP

GCP is an intent exercise where you use your imagination to create the three experiences of grounding, clearing, and protecting.

Start with imagining yourself grounding to Mother Earth. Perhaps this is through tree roots coming out of your feet and going into the ground or it could be a rope holding you tightly to the Earth.

Then do the clearing process by imagining your favorite element rushing through you and pushing out all the old, negative energy you no longer need to carry. Imagine that energy leaving your spiritual body, turning from dark to light and returning to Mother Earth.

Lastly, picture a bubble around you that is a filter. Ask that this bubble allow in only that which is for your highest good and keep out what is not for your highest good.

That’s it. Three easy steps. Try it out for a week and witness the result. You will love it!

For more detailed instruction, visit https://thesagemethod.com.

You may also enjoy reading Boundaries, Boundaries, and More Boundaries: The Key To Managing Energy Vampires by Dr. Christiane Northrup

The post Your Energy Body: The Little-Known Key to Stronger Intuition and a Happier Life appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

When my wife passed away at 65, I couldn’t imagine life without her. How was I supposed to live? My happiness was gone…

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How do we survive loss? I had never been tested in this regard, and then I found myself in the middle of more than I could ever imagined. I wasn’t sure how to find my way through it all, or if I would be able to.

Within the space of a few months, both of my parents passed away. I felt their absence deeply, but I wasn’t devastated. As hard as it is, I realized that it is the way of the world to lose one’s parents. Then on the day I returned from my mother’s funeral, my wife collapsed on the floor next to me. And that was it.

When my Bonnie passed away, we were both 65 years old, and I couldn’t imagine life without her. We had been happily married for 44 years when she died.

What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to live? My happiness was gone, stripped away from me in an instant.

I felt a lot of guilt. It was my fault. Her health had been declining for some time, and she had been to the hospital before. Why hadn’t I been able to talk her into going to the hospital that day? I told her she should, but she refused. And I backed down. Why hadn’t I done more? I found myself pacing up and down the hallway, feeling things I had never felt before and unable to think clearly. I had trouble looking at myself in the mirror.

I had always prided myself on being the kind of person who could handle things. I was tough. But for the first time in my life, I found myself entirely lost. I knew my wife had passed away, but I couldn’t bring myself to take things off her desk. I kept her clothes in the closet and her purse nearby. I knew that this didn’t make any sense, but I did it anyway. I checked her email every day, telling myself that I was just being responsible, but I knew that didn’t explain it.

Though feeling lost, I was grateful that my religion brought me the collected wisdom of previous generations of so many who had to find a way of dealing with the pain. Jews are guided through the process. A week of intense mourning, and then a month more of formal mourning. After a year, I was prompted by Jewish teachings to go back out into the world. This was a very positive step, but I was still not whole. I no longer felt guilty, but I didn’t really feel anything. 

Days passed, and things didn’t get any better. I took comfort in routine. I exercised every morning. I ate moderately, and I drank only rarely. I found that I was losing weight (which was a good thing), so I began to focus on that. I weighed myself every day, and I kept a log. The weight fell off, but it brought me no pleasure. I wasn’t heading anywhere. 

I decided to move to be near my daughters. Luckily, they were both very supportive. They helped me through this difficult time. In spite of their help, I was still shrouded by something that wasn’t quite depression, but it was close. I was just stumbling along, very grateful to have family I could count on, but not quite sure what to do with myself. Things that had defined me in the past were impossible for me. I couldn’t read, so I watched TV constantly. And even though I was a published author, I found that I couldn’t write. I was emotionally and intellectually stuck. 

I began to settle in to the idea that all of my happiness was in the past. I was, after all, not young any more. How much happiness could one person hope for in a life? 

I began to think that I should settle in with these feelings and this attitude. I had accomplished a great deal professionally and personally. Perhaps this was just over for me. 

But I continued and deepened my practice of meditation, something that I had learned many years ago and taught as a martial arts instructor. So I found strength in my religion, my family, and the power of meditation. All of these forces combined to pull me out of myself and my misery. 

And then I woke up one morning and decided that I wouldn’t cave to my sadness.

I had gone through a personal loss, but many people have suffered much more than me. How dare I wallow in self-pity? I decided to tell myself that happiness was possible. I decided that I would wake up every morning and say, “This could be the best day of your life.” I worried that I had become a bumper sticker, but somehow it was meaningful. And soon I found myself taking more pleasure in walking by the lake or in having a casual conversation with a neighbor. I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t miserable. And that was progress. 

One of my daughters spoke to me one day, saying that she thought I should try online dating. I had always been against it. That simply wasn’t the way people met, or so I thought. I was very skeptical, but I took my daughter’s advice and went to an online dating service. It felt very odd. I had to write a profile, and I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t like talking about myself, and I didn’t think that I had much to offer anyone. I sat down at my computer and began to write the profile. I knew that I had to open myself up to people I had not met, and this was uncomfortable for me. But I decided to give it a try. I just told myself that I was who I am and that if that wasn’t enough, then I could live with that. 

The rest was magic. I met an amazing person my first day online. She was also widowed and struggling with her life. We felt connected from the first moment. She and I were stunned to discover that we shared not only our religion; we found that we had exactly the same personality profile. We also learned that we shared fundamental ideas about ethics, nature, politics, ideas of beauty, family, and community. And it turned out that we both had a need for order and neatness. Not everyone needs these things, but there we were! Plus, we both had a dangerous sense of humor.

We spent hours on the phone every day, and one morning I woke up and realized that I wasn’t sad anymore. We moved from talking on the phone to seeing one another, and we realized that the feelings we shared were truly deep and strong. We felt it before we said it out loud… We were in love.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wondered if I was betraying my late wife by having these feelings, even though it was three years since she had passed. Should I feel guilty again? Should I deny these feelings? 

then I realized that life is for living. 

We all go through hard things — some people go through much more than others, but I don’t see any way to compare the pain of one person with that of another.

I proposed to Michelle, and we were married a couple of months later. Some of our friends thought we were moving too quickly, but that didn’t bother me. I knew that we were doing what was right for us. And I have learned something. We should never turn away from the chance for happiness. We should never put walls around ourselves and tell ourselves that it is too late to try again. So at 69 years old, we were married, and life is once again filled with joy. 

None of us knows how much time we have on this earth. It is a mystery. So I have a very simple message: Embrace sadness, but don’t hold it forever. Don’t turn away from opportunities. Don’t hide from happiness. Live every day to the fullest. And for those of you who believe you are old — this applies to you as well. You won’t find happiness again unless you seek it. I have found happiness again, and you can too.

You may also enjoy reading Life After Death: Healing Grief, Redefined by Sarah Nannen

The post Loss, Love & Lessons: Finding Happiness Again After a Devastating Loss appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes