Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

There is only one path to world peace, and that is the path to peace and happiness for every individual on our planet

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The universe is a sentient Being, an omnipresent field of life with feelings, thoughts and indelible laws which, automatically and infallibly with inexorable precision, reacts to our individual actions. Every thought, word and action we express creates ripples in the all-pervading field of life which affects every living being in the universe. Peaceful vibrations enhance peace and harmony in the world whereas aggressive vibrations increase violence and negativity. In order to create peace in the world, we must establish peace in the units of the world, the individuals. Just as a green forest is composed of individual green trees, a peaceful world is composed of peaceful individuals.

Maharishi says:

“Where there is a disagreement and dissension in families and in the circle of friends, the disharmony appears to be occurring in small circles. Individuals hardly realize that they are contributing to an influence that disrupts and destroys the peace of the world through the ill feeling, malice, bad behavior, harsh words, and suffering they are creating.”

Cause of War

The conflict occurring both in the Gaza Strip, in Europe and now in Asia is the direct result of the escalation of stress and tension in these areas. When the stress reaches the boiling point, wars erupt and the very fabric of life is threatened.

All wars begin in the minds of men. The only way to permanently stop wars is by transforming the incoherent thought patterns and subsequent build-up of tensions prevailing in the civilian population of a nation. It is the weakness and lack of coherent thinking which produces the situation where military action and war become necessary. Lack of intelligence, sharpness, quick decisions and discipline gives rise to misinterpretations, muddles, confusion and wrong relationships, which eventually become the cause of war.

The only cure for the chaos exhibited in today’s world is to enliven an indomitable influence of peace, harmony and goodwill in the collective consciousness of the individuals in the world. The population must be educated to transcend the surface, active level of the mind and to experience the state of pure consciousness, the home of all the laws of nature. The experience of pure consciousness is an experience of inner bliss and peace.

This quotation by Lao-Tzu expresses this idea:

“If there is to be peace in the world,
There must be peace in the nations.

If there is to be peace in the nations,
There must be peace in the cities.

If there is to be peace in the cities,
There must be peace between neighbors.

If there is to be peace between neighbors,
There must be peace in the home.

If there is to be peace in the home,
There must be peace in the heart.”

Power of Pure Consciousness

The world is in a major transition state which can only be salvaged by a collective empowerment from the level of pure consciousness The power of pure consciousness is derived from the enlivenment of the home of all the laws of nature in human awareness. The direct experience of pure consciousness infuses the mind with values such as peace, happiness, harmony, love and compassion.

Individuals who regularly enliven pure consciousness in their awareness express values which are more in tune with natural law. Their mind radiates an influence of peace into the environment and their actions support the positive, evolutionary aspects of natural law. All that is moral and virtuous is in accord with natural law and all that is immoral, sinful and which produces fear and suffering is a violation of natural law and is against evolution.

When large groups experience the state of pure consciousness together on a regular basis, the environment is purified more quickly, and stress and tension spontaneously decrease. The path to peace is in the hands of the individuals in society. We must choose it by making a commitment to creating inner peace within ourselves. Every individual has a share of responsibility in the present crisis in the world.

Individual Peace

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the founder of the Transcendental Meditation technique, has said:

“The problem of world peace can only be solved by solving the problem of peace of the individual, and the problem of peace of the individual can only be solved by creating a state of happiness in the individual. Therefore, the problem of peace in the individual, family, society, nation and world as a whole is solved by the practice of Transcendental Meditation, which is a direct way to establish bliss consciousness in the life of the people.”

Strengthen our Unity

To strengthen our unity, we are being called to turn inward.

Turn to the power of pure consciousness. Turn to the power of bliss, the power of peace, the power of love and compassion. This is the only power which is inexhaustible.

The more we give, the more we have. It is spontaneously replenished because it is the source of life itself. Every vibration of bliss, of peace, of harmony we send out into the universe spreads out to touch the farthest reaches of the universe. Every action we do now to help others pass through the challenges and tribulations they are facing will help us collectively to rise to a higher level of global unity.

We can save our planet by radiating love, peace, harmony and compassion in our thoughts, words and actions, and thereby sow the seeds for a healthier, brighter, sustainable and more fulfilling life on earth.

You may also enjoy reading Creating a Harmonious World Through a Coherence of Consciousness, by Barbara Ann Briggs.

The post Inner Peace: The Basis of World Peace appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Screens have a place in the modern world and family, but when it comes to child development and raising kids, the less the better

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Some months ago when I was finishing my book, Stuck in Our Screens, I was pondering what the solutions might be to the increasing amount of screen time youth were experiencing at the same time that their overall mental health was taking a dive.

Years ago, before I went back for a PhD in human development, I had done some work for youth-serving organizations including schools on something called the 40 Developmental Assets. At that time, my own daughters were well into their teens, and I remember thinking as I was creating teaching materials for professional development of these adults, that if I had known about ‘assets’ when I was a young parent, I could have avoided all those “how to parent” books, and just focused on giving them a life full of asset-heavy moments.

                  So, what are “asset-heavy” moments? They are experiences, relationships, opportunities, and resources that add up to many moments of positive living that produce a child who is resilient, responsible, healthy, and happy. Based on the study of how we build such a child, the Search Institute has compiled forty examples of what assets look like. Here are some examples: Living in a loving family. Taking responsibility. Knowing how to solve conflicts peacefully. Telling the truth when it’s hard. Knowing how to set a goal and achieve it. Displaying empathy. Acquiring friendship skills. Valuing helping other people. Engaging in learning. Doing an hour of homework a night. Connecting with adults who are good role models. Feeling valued by adults. Reading three hours a week. (Does anyone read (from a book) three hours a week anymore?) Assets are cumulative. The more the better. They are needed by all children. Sadly, Search Institute has documented that many kids don’t have nearly enough.

                  What struck me when I revisited the list of assets, more than twenty years after my deep dive into them, was that nowhere does it mention time spent staring at a screen, playing a video game, or mindlessly scrolling on social media. Most parenting advice tells us what not to do. It was refreshing not to see an admonition for a child to become a good digital citizen. It was refreshing not to see advice to parents to keep screens away from toddlers or not give a child a smart phone before age 16. It was so obvious that the assets, clearly grounded in common sense as well as research, were something that felt almost Victorian in their simplicity and forthrightness. I was shocked at what has transpired since little kids started running around staring at a smartphone or toting an electronic tablet, all connected to the internet. I felt gut-punched.

                  We’ve all seen teens sitting together staring at their phones, not talking to each other. We’ve all watched people out to dinner staring at their phones, not talking to each other. Unfortunately, most of us have seen adults who are staring at their phones, while their kids also stare at their phones, not talking to each other.  Talking to each other… When I was in school the teachers got mad at us for talking to each other so much. Now, instead of talking to each other, we stare at our screens. It’s a really bad way to raise kids. It’s also a really bad way to live. And if we want kids to get healthy doses of assets, we need to talk to them, and they need to talk to each other and us!

                  Assets tell us what to do with and for our kids. Much of it requires two hands, which means we have to put down our own cell phones. Yes, it’s fun to take pictures and show them to each other. But it should be more fun to do something with each other than to share pictures of each other. We need to ditch our screens and engage with each other in face-to-face interactions and activities.

                  My concern is that we are losing our humanity through our screens. We know that babies need us to see them unmediated through screens. Babies like looking at faces in the flesh. They mirror our expressions. They copy the sounds we make. They like touching our mouths and noses. They crave us. All human development takes place in relationships, not in screens, and while I love facetiming with my grandchildren, I can tell when they are more engaged by the electronic tool than they are by my wrinkled but smiling, chatting face. It works when we can’t be together, but it is not a substitute. And one thing I’ve learned over the years is that when adults engage with kids face-to-face, it’s not just good for the kids, it’s good for the adults, too. It enriches and strengthens everyone’s humanity, something we all need.

                  So, let’s get out of our screens. Let’s go for walks. Let’s have conversations. Let’s sing together. Let’s play board games and card games. Let’s tell stories. Let’s read out loud to each other. Let’s build things. Let’s make things. Let’s share meals without phones. Let’s create memories that become our life stories. Let’s get unstuck from our screens and be human.

You may also enjoy reading Happy Right Now: Empowering Children To Find Happiness Within, by Julie Berry.

The post Raising Resilient, Responsible, Happy Kids Through Asset-Heavy Moments appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Shifting the cycle of toxic masculinity toward a more compassionate, connected and expressive male paradigm—a Q&A with Mike de la Rocha

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At Best Self, we’re always seeking greater personal awareness, collective unity, and a stronger expression of love, both of self and others. We were immediately drawn to the work of Mike de la Rocha, who is committed to breaking forever the cycle toxic masculinity and opening a portal to greater love, joy and connection—not just for males, but for all humans. We hope you enjoy his inspiring responses to our questions as much as we do!

Q: How have societal expectations of masculinity influenced men’s ability to express love and vulnerability?

Throughout my life, I’ve witnessed how the weight of masculinity—shaped by silence and societal expectation—has affected my ability to express love, be vulnerable, and ask for help. I wrote Sacred Lessons: Teaching My Father How to Love to answer a question that has haunted me for my entire life: Why was it so hard for my father to tell me that he loved me? What began as a search for understanding became a journey into our shared pain inherited through generations who were taught to suffer in silence. As I peeled back the layers, I saw how deeply the dominant culture embedded in me a belief that real men don’t cry.

In writing this book, I was forced to confront my own unhealthy patterns—and to challenge the stories I had been told about what it means to be a man. After years of therapy, I now believe that my father’s sudden passing was not just a tragedy but a consequence of not having the tools to speak his truth or feel safe in expressing his deep love. When we are denied the language of love, connection, and healing, we don’t just suffer—we disappear—or worse, we take our own lives. Sacred Lessons is my offering, my prayer, and my gift—for every man who’s ever been told to harden, and for the generations yet to come who I believe will rewrite this story and discover a healthier version of what it means to be a “man.”

Q: Do you believe that emotional patterns and trauma are passed down from one generation to the next? If so, what efforts can help to break this cycle of harm?

I wholeheartedly believe that trauma doesn’t just live in our memories and in our bodies—it is passed on through our DNA from generation to generation. But just as grief can be inherited, so too can resilience and the wisdom to heal. This is what our ancestral teachings tell us and what is confirmed by epigenetics. Science now speaks of Post-Traumatic Growth, but long before that, our ancestors practiced earth-based rituals to help us heal and remember our sacred purpose. This belief is at the heart of why I do this work—because healing is not only possible, it is our birthright.

The medicine we need lives in the mountains, in the ocean, in the stories of our people. It lives in nature and in the sacred cultural practices we’ve been conditioned to forget. That’s why I believe in building spaces—outdoors, together—where men can remember who we truly are. We all need that: connection, belonging, and space to heal together. Because the truth is, our futures are intertwined.

I don’t believe in accidents. I believe in sacred timing and purpose wrapped inside every painful experience. Even my father’s death, though devastating, became a portal for me. A passage into a deeper life I could have never accessed otherwise. I’m not just healing for myself. I’m healing for my father, for my grandfather, for every man who was never taught how to speak the language of love.

Q: How have patriarchy, toxic masculinity, and a lack of emotional education shaped the way men are taught to relate to others?

At the root of patriarchy lies a dangerous illusion—the belief in dominance, control, and superiority. I believe that we are intentionally denied emotional education because if we truly understood our inner worlds, we would be forced to confront how our society’s definitions of manhood are steeped in inequity and built on the backs of others’ pain. Movements like Black Lives Matter, the Zapatistas, and countless liberation struggles remind us of what Fannie Lou Hamer said years ago, “Nobody’s free until everybody’s free.” If men are conditioned to believe we are above women—that our needs come first, that our emotions are threats—it’s no wonder that violence, inequality, and disconnection are so deeply woven into our lives.

But this isn’t just a story of what’s broken—it’s also a story of what’s being reborn. I see something sacred unfolding every day. I see men breaking their silence. Fathers holding their sons and saying, “I love you.” Brothers learning how to say “I’m sorry.” Friends choosing therapy over numbness. This is the quiet revolution unfolding in living rooms, sweat lodges, and barbershops. It’s the story we are co-writing, together. One act of tenderness at a time. One redefinition of manhood at a time. And in that story, there is hope—not just for men, but for all of us.

Q: Could you reflect on the challenges men face in expressing emotions and the impact this has on their relationships with family, friends, and themselves?

Countless barriers keep men from expressing what lives deep inside all of us, and the consequences ripple through every corner of our lives. From an early age, we’re taught to grip our pain tightly, to bury our emotions so deeply that we forget who we are. But that silence is not neutral. It becomes a wall between us and the people we love. It fractures our friendships, distances us from our families, and separates us from our truth. These cycles, when left unhealed, become legacies.

I wrote Sacred Lessons: Teaching My Father How to Love to give voice to what my father never learned how to say. To offer my son—and all of our sons—a new way of being. One where strength isn’t defined by how much we can suppress, but by how deeply we’re willing to feel.

Vulnerability is not weakness—it’s the beginning of true freedom. And if we want to change the world, we must first change the stories we tell ourselves about what it means to be a man.

Q: Lastly, your book explores the value of finding community and belonging, especially for those who feel isolated or disconnected from others; could you expand on that?

One of the central themes of Sacred Lessons: Teaching My Father How to Love is that healing is never a solitary act. Healing happens in community. My journey has shown me that my healing is not just my own. It is braided into the stories of those who came before me and into the hopes of those who will come after. While I must choose, every single day, to show up for my healing, that path becomes more possible when I walk it alongside others. What we all long for, beneath the masks we wear, is to feel like we belong and to know that we are not alone. That’s the sacred thread of our interdependent humanity: connection.

This is why we must create spaces free from shame and judgment—places where men can learn how to love and be loved, how to forgive and be forgiven. We must meet men where they are, with an understanding that men are taught a false and harmful narrative. Many of us men are still those hurt and scared little boys screaming for help and acceptance. What I’ve seen, heard, and lived—and what research confirms—is that men aren’t simply angry. We’re isolated and looking for our place in a rapidly changing world. Any meaningful effort to reach men must begin with presence, community, and love. It is in the presence of others in a safe space that we remember who we are and begin the sacred work of remembering our true selves once again.

You may also enjoy Interview: Lewis Howes | Redefining Masculinity, by Kristen Noel

The post Love and Vulnerability: A Call for a New Expression of Male Masculinity appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

A pilgrimage to the MahaKumbha Mela delights the senses while elevating the spirit and collective vibration of all humanity

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The huge upsurge of pilgrims flocking to the Mahakumbha Mela in Prayagraj, India is symbolic of the global awakening occurring on planet earth.

As of February 4, over 382 million pilgrims have visited the Mahakumbha Mela to take a dip in the holy river Ganges. This global aspiration for spiritual evolution is rippling across the globe and creating vibrations which effect the entire universe. Since January 13, a vast river of humanity has been converging on the grounds of the Mahakumbha Mela for the sacred bath. They were not there for amassing material wealth but for the sake of spiritual progress and purification from sin. There was the King of Bhutan and the Prime Minister of India, rich and poor, tribals and movie stars, foreigners and locals. There was no division of caste, religion, race or gender. It was a vast confluence of faith moving as one.

The universe responds to the thoughts, words and actions of individuals. We are constantly creating, re-shaping and materializing our universe according to the energy patterns we radiate every day. We are co-creators of reality.

The cosmic web of life records the pulsations of every living being. Every aspect of life is intricately interdependent and inter-connected at a subtle level. The collective aspirations of millions of people attending the Mahakumbha Mela is creating a positive influence which is spreading out into the entire universe. This huge desire for spiritual awakening indicates a cosmic shift in human awareness. The intense collective desire for purification surging forth at such a huge gathering is reverberating through the cosmic web of life, uplifting, inspiring and energizing the whole interwoven pattern of human life. This event is occurring at the perfect time.

The MahaKumbha Mela occurs every 144 years at an auspicious time related to the particular planetary alignment of Jupiter, Sun, and the Moon. It is said that the rare alignment of these planets creates a powerful vortex of energy that aids in the process of purification. The 2025 planetary alignment magnifies spiritual growth. The spiritual energy of the rivers is also said to be enhanced by the radiations from the planets. Because of this, the potency of the sacred bathing ritual is infused with a deeper significance at this time. It is for this reason that millions of pilgrims from around the world consider it a great blessing to be able to take the sacred bath at this cosmic event.

I attended the Mahakumbha Mela from the 12th-18^th of January. There was not such a huge influx of people at that time. On January 13, I was able to go by boat to the sangam, the confluence of the three rivers, Yamuna, Ganges and the invisible Saraswati River, to take my first bath. It was a truly exhilarating experience. I felt a subtle shift in my awareness after emerging from the waters. I took a second bath on Makar Sankranti on January 14th. It was also a wonderful trip by boat culminating in dipping into the river many times.

Later I listened to the recitation of the Rudra Abhishek, a Sanskrit recitation aimed at creating world peace. Over 700 pandits recited this prayer every morning from 9am-1pm, in a large outdoor tent outside the Maharishi Smarak, a beautiful memorial built to honour the spiritual legacy of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the founder of the Transcendental Meditation technique.

Walking through the grounds of the Mahakumbha Mela, I felt a deep inner peace and bliss. There was also a feeling of gratitude and fulfillment for having been given the opportunity to be there.

You may also enjoy reading Creating a Harmonious World Through a Coherence of Consciousness by Barbara Ann Briggs.

The post Global Significance of the MahaKumbha Mela appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes

A woman reflects upon the importance of gratitude, the origins of which span the generations of her father, grandmother…and war

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When my kids were young, I often reminded them that they needed to put their “problems” in the proper perspective. What I meant was that they needed to be more appreciative of their lives—and what they had—spiritually and materialistically. I most often made the comment when they were acting like spoiled children—for example, when my fourteen-year-old said that she needed new clothes after we’d just gone clothes shopping for her a month earlier.

When I was young, my dad was an expert at putting my life in the proper perspective for me. He shared stories of growing up during World War II in Germany and surviving the Holocaust. He spoke about how in his early teens he was sent to a concentration camp. He ate only food scraps and at nightfall collapsed on the only things there were to sleep on—wooden barracks with hundreds of other prisoners. He was grateful for his job in the kitchen peeling potatoes, because he always had food.

Once he showed me the scar on his forehead inflicted upon him by Nazi soldiers when they found out he’d taken too much peel off the potatoes so he could toss it to his hungry friends in the barracks.

After the war he couldn’t stand the sight of red meat because it reminded him of all the dead bodies he’d seen. The mere sight of blood turned his stomach. He shared how he watched his younger brother and mother being taken away on the death-camp trains and how he never got to say goodbye. It dulled the grief when we named our son after his dead brother but being separated from one’s parents at the age of fifteen results in a degree of pain that lasts a lifetime.

My mother-in-law had her own share of hair-raising stories to tell when she lived with a Swiss family while trying to hide from the Nazis so they wouldn’t kill her and her sister. While hiding in the family’s basement, they shared food and lived in constant fear for their lives. They didn’t see their parents for five years.

I’m now the age was when my father died. My children left the nest a long time ago, and I’m now blessed to have six amazing grandchildren. During this last chapter of my life, I see how the mirror reveals my advancing years. In my younger days, it didn’t matter if I applied facial cream each morning. These days, if I skip just one day, my wrinkles appear like a vulture near a dead carcass. I remember the days when I ate all the Valentine’s Day and Halloween chocolate I desired, the scale never revealing my secret addiction. Today, there are no secrets, as my body’s metabolism has slowed down to a crawl.

The older I get, the more I look to the past for clarity and perspective.

One day in particular stands out. It was a rainy day, the perfect time for some spring-cleaning. I was going through our “catch all” closet and making piles of what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to discard. My first nurse’s uniform from forty years ago was put into a pile called “questionable: to be reviewed later.” Then I added Dad’s old figure skates, which he’d used to teach Paul Neuman to skate at Rockefeller Center in New York decades earlier. The “giveaway” pile included such things as old party and wedding invitations, the kids’ first Halloween costumes, birth announcements, expired coupons, New Year’s Eve hats, and incomplete decks of playing cards. The “must-keep pile” was the most fascinating. It included baby pictures, school notebooks, kindergarten photos, Dad’s favorite clothes, stamp and coin collections, framed photographs with broken glass, awards won in tennis tournaments, autographed paraphernalia, and old posters.

This task certainly took me down memory lane. Occasionally I would stop and gaze at what I’d found, and an entire era would be illuminated by a piece of memorabilia. But there was a special treasure that I stumbled upon which, as a writer, made me stop and stare. Before my eyes were some cartons of papers that time had yellowed. They included old report cards, letters I wrote from camp, and important documents, many of which I’d thought were lost.

As I approached the bottom of the carton, there was a stack of about fifteen papers held together in a plastic sheath. I felt my eyes momentarily bulge as I realized the true value of the treasure I was about to reveal. It was the journal I’d heard so much about, written by my grandmother after the turn of the century. I knew I had my day cut out for me as I read about a life that was so foreign yet so familiar, a life that threw the shadow of perspective immediately upon mine.

I’m sure the journal was typed on one of those manual, black, clunky-sounding Remington typewriters. The single-spaced document typed on loose-leaf paper had since turned light brown. White-out correction fluid was not yet on the market, so the pages were full of “strikeovers.” Grandma obviously didn’t care much about writing in paragraphs, as the twelve pages were written in one unbroken stream of consciousness.

Over the years I gathered bits and pieces of information about Grandma’s life and concluded that she’d had her share of misery, but I had no idea that reading her journal could make me so appreciative for my own life.

The tears poured down my face as I realized the origin of my love for writing and how Grandma’s words flowed as smoothly as the tears from my eyes, eyes that have seen little misery in her lifetime. I continued to read, and after just a few lines, I ran to the bathroom adjacent to my study and grabbed a newly opened box of tissues.

Grandma had been born in Poland in the early 1900s. Her journal was a reflective piece about her earlier years. She began with her dad discussing one night during dinner how war had just been declared—Austria-Hungry against Russia. The following morning she watched “swarms of soldiers marching” among the schoolchildren on the street in front of her house. She wrote: “Just when we thought the soldiers were leaving, they walked in reverse [turned around and went back] and got aggressive. Horses were running without riders on their backs. Those [many] who had riders had no arms nor legs and blood pours out of their bodies. Their clothes were torn. They were hungry and ate anything in sight. They raided our refrigerators and on the streets we held out jars with water and they drank eagerly at times reaching out to get a drink that they had no time to swallow. My mother was frantic. She wanted to run with the army, but dad refused to leave.”

One day grandma roamed the streets and saw menacing-looking Cossacks dressed in long black coats and fur caps, with ammunition slung across their chests and swords in their hands. “I ran when I saw a young boy on the deserted street and the Cossacks were hacking him into small pieces. His mother ran to pick up the bloody pieces on her apron. My father finally decided it was time to leave and go to Poland as the fighting continued relentlessly.”

As they were preparing to leave, a severe cholera epidemic hit the small Polish town. “First only a whispering with single cases here and there and then we all went into a state of horrified stupor. The stores closed. There was no school. There was no visiting, no handshakes and no taking money from others. Some people had a little bag of camphor around their necks, which was thought to offer little protection against the disease.”

Grandma’s parents developed cholera. Finally, her mother died a slow and inevitable death. My grandmother witnessed her burial in a mass grave of thirty or more people. Some of the deceased had family and some did not. Mom’s entire family was quarantined. It was not long after that her father died, also of cholera and apparently with no warning. Grandma was left alone in the world with her eight-year-old sister. “I was only eleven years old and very scared,” she wrote. “My oldest brother left town to take a job in Vienna, and soon after my youngest brother followed him. The once full and lively house became empty and more than half the town’s population died.”

Grandma found solace in the daily ritual of going to school, as she said it was the only time she could be a child.

But although she received a lot of assistance and food from caring neighbors and the school, she never felt it was enough, nor could it compensate for the loss of her parents. With her sister, she decided to hitch a ride on the slow-moving train to Vienna to find her older brothers. Visiting their homes brought more horrible revelations to the girls’ young hearts. The brothers’ wives practically slammed the doors in their faces! They said they had enough trouble feeding the mouths of their own children. Finally, the two sisters were placed in a small orphanage. There, the heartache of wearing rags for clothes and not having enough food to support their growing bodies continued to haunt them. Grandma’s writing ended with her high school graduation and her struggle to get a job as a bank teller.

***

I was unable to process Grandma’s story in one sitting. She had so many feelings of loneliness, anger, and resentment. Her life was filled with turmoil and grief, and as I look around today, I’m amazed that outside of raising three amazing humans, my life is calm and predictable. There are no scary-looking soldiers marching down my street and no deadly epidemics to fend off. In fact, most of us are so lucky to have the lives we do, so we need to be more aware of the dire situations that others have gone through in order to place our lives in the proper perspective.

After reading Grandma’s story, I had a visceral sense that life was just utterly unfair.

I wondered why Grandma had endured so many hardships and why I had been so lucky my whole life, always surrounded by good people and experiences. I felt that so much injustice had occurred, and I was feeling sorry for a woman I hardly knew.

While reading, I took a break to make my family’s favorite dinner, pasta. After we sat down and had been eating for a few minutes, my daughter, who was fourteen at the time, looked up from her plate and asked, “Mom, why are you so quiet tonight?”

“Actually, I’ve been reading my grandmother Regina’s journal, and I’m still in shock. I really must share the stories with you guys.”

As usual, we gobbled down dinner, and the kids, in their nightly robotic fashion, cleared the table. The girls loaded the dishwasher, and my son went back to his favorite pastime—curling up on the blue corduroy sofa and watching television. Later, the girls joined him. I returned to the lush sofa chair in my study and continued reading Grandma’s story.

I must have had the concept of “perspective” on my mind because the following day there was another incident that triggered some powerful emotions. My then–eight-year-old son, Joshua, joined the ranks. He finally decided that collecting beanie babies was the thing to do. Family trips were then geared around which stores sold these stuffed toys. My husband remarked in his usual wry tone, “You’re encouraging my son to collect these things while he should be collecting worms or stamps.”

Joshua’s collection grew, and anyone who visited our home, whether they wanted to or not, received a guided tour of his favorite friends. He was very conscientious about checking off his in his book which ones he owned and their apparent value. At one point, I realized the true value of those adorable, furry creatures. I served one of my gourmet casserole dinners when Joshua asked to be excused for a few seconds. He dashed out of the kitchen, across the dining room and living room, and headed for his bedroom. He returned to the kitchen with a huge shopping bag filled with beanies. He sat on the floor and looked up at all four of us sitting at the table just finishing dinner. “Wait, wait, don’t go anywhere,” he said, holding his hand out straight in our direction as if he were a traffic cop.

“I want to introduce you to my beanies, and then I will tell you their names. You betta pay attention because I will test you afterward, “he said. His two teenage sisters looked at him quizzically and then glanced back at me while rolling their eyes, obviously tired of his beanie-baby enthusiasm.

 “May we be excused?” they asked simultaneously.

“No,” my husband and I responded without the slightest hesitation.

“Hurry up,” Rachel said. “I have homework.”

“C’mon,” said Regine. “What’s taking you so long?”

Joshua proceeded to dump all his babies on the floor, and one by one he began reciting their names and then putting them back in the shopping bag.

“Slow down,” my husband requested, remembering that he would be “tested” and didn’t want to make a fool out of himself.

“OK, I’ll start over,” Joshua said.

In frustration, his older sister said, “No way. I can’t take this, Mom.” Joshua continued to plow through the names of his forty-odd beanie babies. He spared us all the little sayings on the red heart-shaped tags. We were lucky because he really loved talking, and especially loved making up stories. He methodically named each and every beanie baby, moving them from one pile to another. For the first time he was in control of his two older sisters. I never thought beanie babies could bridge the gap between siblings who bickered about everything. But, for however much money and time I spent supporting my son’s addiction, it was well worth the ten minutes of watching all three of my children giggling together for the first time in a long while. It was simply a case of “‘looking through this window’ and ‘now looking through that one.’”

Perspective is important to me. Knowing about my past gives me insight into the present and ideas about the future. My grandfather once told me with conviction, “You watch, my dear, history will repeat itself. Mark my words.” Although he mentioned this in the context of the fashion industry (he was a style nut), we could see how it could apply to other aspects of our lives. Now that I’m the age he was when he spoke those words, I realize the truth in what he said.

You may also enjoy reading How Connecting with Ancestors Can Help Heal Intergenerational Trauma, by Diana Raab PhD.

The post More than Gratitude: A Generational Legacy from War-Era to Modern Family appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

A toxic, hyper-commercialization of all our holidays has hollowed out their meaning; perhaps it’s time to reverse the trend

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It’s hard to imagine, but legend has it that the winter holiday season in America was once celebrated with “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” while Jack Frost nipped at your nose. Gifts and decorations, the legend continues, were simple, thoughtful, and hand-made.

Compare that image to the reality of the winter holidays in America today: an avalanche of plastic tinsel, factory-made ornaments, non-biodegradable glitter and wrapping paper; endless cookies and sugary desserts (including candy canes made with petroleum-based red-dye 40); jam-packed calendars full of social events and obligations; compulsive shopping and eating; and an abundance of alcohol to cope with all the chaos and stress.

Next up is Valentines’ Day, with more alcohol and obligatory shopping, garlands of red plastic hearts, flowers sprayed with pesticides, and heart-shaped sweets made with high-fructose corn syrup, artificial flavors and colors, and a litany of mysterious, unpronounceable ingredients.

Then comes St. Patrick’s Day, which may as well be renamed Let’s All Get Drunk Day. Our national St. Patty’s Day hangover has barely worn off by the time grocery stores start filling their shelves with plastic easter eggs, pastel-colored disposable decorations, jellybeans in all the colors of the chemical food dye rainbow, and various mass-produced stuffed-animal bunnies. And, of course, Peeps.

On July 4th we celebrate the Declaration of Independence and our country’s separation from Great Britain by buying mountains of red, white and blue decorations that make an appearance for a few hours before ending up in the trash bin. The day is marked by plenty of alcohol, of course — as well as by fireworks that leave metals, toxins, and harmful chemicals in the air for days.

Next up, Halloween — second only to Christmas as far as consumer spending goes, and #1 when it comes to poisoning our children with piles of candy from the cynical Big Food corporations.

Thanksgiving isn’t too bad, with its focus on family, gratitude, and a (theoretically) homemade feast, especially with our growing awareness of Indigenous people’s history and culture… However, any tradition that encourages eating and drinking until you have to unbutton your pants, and then lie on the couch bloated and moaning, might be worth revisiting.

Throw in a birthday and an anniversary here or there, complete with more presents, cake, and alcohol, and round-and-round goes the yearly wheel of toxic, hyper-commercialized holidays.

What happened? When did our once-sacred “holy-days” lose their sacred nature and become exercises in gluttony and compulsive consumerism?

Long, long ago, our holidays, celebrations and traditions were expressions of a deep and sacred wisdom—a wisdom that reflected our timeless connection with the natural world, an awareness of and reverence for our place in the cosmos, and a desire to commune with the Infinite. Multi-colored Peeps weren’t missed.

We’ve lost sight of the fact that holidays can be far more than taking a (much needed!) day off from work or school. Our traditions can inform our culture by reminding us of our shared beliefs and cherished values. They have the potential to revivify what is most important and sacred in this life.

Of course, modern holidays are a disturbingly accurate reflection of the things our culture prioritizes. While there is little chance that mainstream culture will turn away from the deafening allure of consumerism any time soon, that doesn’t mean we all have to follow suit.

The following are suggestions for reimagining our way through the calendar year. We can replace our hyper-commercialized holiday traditions with rituals that joyfully draw our attention to the rhythm of seasons, the movement of the cosmos, the ancient wisdom of our ancestors, and our connection to the sacred… the Divine.

WINTER HOLIDAYS

Let’s start with an alternative to the hollow, materialistic mania that now marks the winter holidays. Long before the eruption of compulsive gift buying and LED lawn decorations — in fact, as far back as we can peer into human history — cultures around the world have celebrated the winter solstice, honoring the culmination of darkness and anticipating the return of the light.

Dating all the way back to prehistoric times (think Stonehenge and Newgrange), humans have identified the time of the winter solstice as a uniquely potent, and even supernatural, season: a time when the veil or boundary between the realm of spirit and the human world disappears, and the sun — and therefore time itself — appears to stand still.

If we follow our ancestors’ lead and look to what Nature is doing at this time, we see that trees have dropped their leaves, animals are hibernating or otherwise conserving energy, and plants and grasses have receded back into the Earth.

Everything is drawing energy inward. This is a time to dive into one’s inner world, to pause, rest, reflect and replenish.

Imagine all of humanity slowing down for the winter holidays, reflecting on the year gone by and pivoting to receive Divine guidance for the year ahead.

Imagine all of humanity diving into the womb of winter to plant inspired dream-seeds in the fertile soil of the darkness. Imagine all of humanity discovering through this winter window of magic their own co-creative power and magnificence.

The ancient pagan practice known as The 13 Holy Nights can serve as a helpful guide in this process. This practice consists of a 13-day dive into the “radiant darkness,” with each day corresponding to a month in the new year (with the exception of the first day, which corresponds to the entire year to come). It encourages us to set aside 13 days to be present to, and to consciously co-create with the Mystery.

For more details on this practice, visit 13holynightsoracle.com/13hn.

LOVE EACH OTHER

Shortly after emerging from the cave of the Holy Nights, we are greeted by Valentine’s Day. What if we transformed this highly commercialized holiday into an opportunity to simply celebrate Love à la carte — that is, Love without all the shopping and sugar? What if, rather than spending money on store-bought gifts, cards, and sweets, we spent the day doing our best to simply fulfill the most fundamental teaching of all the world’s religions: Love each other. Love the one you’re with. Love thy neighbor as thyself. Love your enemies. Love your fellow beings.

Imagine all of humanity doing their very best to send loving kindness to every single being (human, animal, plant, or insect) they happen to cross paths with on this sacred day. Imagine a day dedicated to accepting our differences and acknowledging our underlying sameness. Imagine a day when we all did our best not to hurt each other. Imagine a day when all of humanity could simply lean into Love… could simply BE Love. I’m in.

Books to help us learn to Love better: The Purpose of Life, David Sunfellow; Learning to Love Yourself, Gay Hendricks

ST. PATTY’S DAY (SPRING EQUINOX DETOX?)

Ironically, the holiday that tends to most glorify excessive alcohol consumption happens to fall within a few days of the spring equinox — a time when the world’s oldest healing traditions, Ayurveda and Chinese Medicine, encourage cleansing practices to aide in the body’s detoxification.

According to these ancient systems of healing wisdom, spring correlates to the liver and gallbladder. These organs are responsible for breaking down poisonous substances (such as alcohol) and directing them out of the body. The spring season is therefore the perfect time to give our bodies and these organs of detoxification a break… and some much needed TLC.

What if all of humanity, on and around the time of the spring equinox, instead of doing our very best to poison the temples that house our souls, collectively took a day or a week to honor, purify, cleanse, and detox our bodies, hearts and minds — a complete spring cleaning?

And what if “cleansing” didn’t have to feel like a punishment or a set of depressing restrictions to be endured?

What if your “spring equinox detox” included treating yourself to a day at the local spa or hot springs, a deep tissue massage, a steam sauna, a spritz with your favorite essential oils, a nap, some good old fashioned sunshine, an evening of candlelight, 24 hours away from your phone/computer, a hike in your favorite nature preserve or forest, a walk on the beach, a plunge in the ocean, a day spent relaxing by a lake or river, a yoga class, a ritual burning of sage or palo santo, a good book on finding forgiveness, a table full of beautiful, organic, whole foods lovingly prepared to nourish the body and delight the senses? Imagine us all supporting and encouraging each other to take exquisite care of ourselves for one day, one week, or even three weeks. Yes, please!

EASTER RESURRECTION AND REBIRTH

While themes of fertility, rebirth and resurrection are at the heart of the Easter holiday, baskets crammed with fake grass, plastic eggs, waxy chocolate bunnies and other candies rule the hearts of our children on Easter Sunday.

What if, instead of filling our children’s Easter baskets with plastic and processed sugar, we filled them with packets of flower, herb and vegetable seeds, flower bulbs, and vegetable starts, and spent the day in the garden (or depending on your circumstances, potting some herbs for the kitchen window sill)? Digging in the garden, we might notice the many ways Nature spontaneously resurrects herself after a long, cold, dark winter. We might also take note of what happens to be budding inside of our own hearts and minds. We could intentionally take some time to identify and share with our friends, family, pets, and plants, or journal the desires and inspirations germinating within us.

Imagine a day spent noticing and acknowledging that just as Nature wakes from her slumber, humanity too is in process of awakening from a deep sleep. What if Easter was a day dedicated to exploring the nature of our own consciousness, a day dedicated to awakening our awareness to… itself. A day set aside to support and encourage the resurrection of our own awakened awareness.

Perhaps we would spend the day meditating alone or with others, deep in contemplation, in prayer or in conversations reflecting upon the divinely creative nature of human consciousness. This day of meditation and contemplation might be followed by a joyous celebration with friends and family in recognition of our own inner light. Namaste, Hallelujah, A’ho and Amen!

Here are a handful of my favorite authors whose books explore the nature of human consciousness: Lao Tzu, Adyashanti, Bruce Lipton, Lynne Mctaggart, Joe Dispenza, Neville Goddard, Florence Scovel Shinn, Kyriacos C. Markides, Michael A. Singer, Rudolf Steiner

INDEPENDENCE DAY

On July 4th Americans wear red, white and blue in celebration of our country’s independence and freedom. However, for many of us this celebration is overshadowed by the fact that corporate money and greed have infiltrated our government and politics, leaving us unwilling participants in a system that feels impossibly far from its original virtues.

What if, instead of waving plastic flags and drinking beer on Independence Day, we all made strides towards true independence and freedom for ourselves and for all of humanity? Imagine a day when we all took one, two or three action steps to liberate ourselves from the current sick and toxic power structures running our world?

Some ideas:

1. Plant fruit trees, medicinal herbs and/or veggies in your yard
2. Dive into a book or course on permaculture, food foresting, regenerative farming, and/or holistic land management (Restoration Agriculture by Mark Shepard is an inspiring read, and Allan Savory’s 2013 TED Talk, “How to fight desertification and reverse climate change,” never fails to fill me with hope for humanity and the planet)
3. Plant native trees and plants for the bees and butterflies
4. Study the medicinal uses of herbs (Rosemary Gladstar’s Herbal Recipes for Vibrant Health is one of my favorite books on herbal medicine)
5. Learn how to wild forage food and medicine
6. Replace chemical cleaning and body care products with natural alternatives
7. Get a compost system going and use it to fertilize your garden
8. Develop a relationship with your local farmer/rancher
9. Bike instead of driving
10. Get off your phone, turn off your computer, throw out your television
11. Delete your social media for a set period of time (or maybe forever)
12. Get to know your neighbors
13. Share resources with your neighbors rather than buying new
14. Spend time in nature rather than other forms of entertainment (shopping, screens, alcohol, caffeine, sugar etc.)
15. Sleep under the stars… get back in touch with the elements
16. Support your local community and independent stores
17. Shift your mindset: notice what is working rather than what isn’t
18. Love yourself, Love your neighbor, Love your enemy
19. Embody LOVE as the truest form of freedom!

Imagine a day dedicated to moving towards true independence and sovereignty for all of humanity — a day spent celebrating our individual authority over our own bodies, hearts and minds, free of all the toxic programming. A day spent leaning into local community and human cooperation over competition, division and “othering”. A day spent being the change we want to see in the world. Sign me up!

HALLOWEEN

In October, just after our kids have been corralled back indoors, we give them piles of candy to binge on while glorifying images of gore and horror. This is certainly more trick than treat — a trick that assaults and burdens their sensitive immune systems, growing bodies, and impressionable young minds.

What if, rather than poisoning our children’s bodies and perpetuating an unhealthy fear of death and darkness with twisted images of hellish nightmares, we celebrated autumn by respectfully approaching the theme of death and honoring our ancestors? As the last lingering evidence of the splendor of summer withers away, our minds might naturally turn towards pondering the cycle of life, the inevitability of death and decay in the realm of the physical, and that which lies beyond.

What if, much like the celebration of the Day of the Dead in Mexico or certain pagan traditions, we spent the day remembering and even communicating with our loved ones on the other side? We might create an altar full of offerings to our family and friends who have passed on. Filling the altar with photos, personal items and even favorite foods of the deceased could be a family affair, giving older generations the opportunity to reminisce and share stories and younger generations the chance to ask questions and become more familiar with their own family tree. By bringing the conversation of life after death into the home in this safe and sacred way, we might teach our children that death is merely a transition to a different state of being. We might teach our children that our ancestors and loved ones are here with us, now and always. We might explore the idea that ghosts are nothing to be feared, as the spirits of the dead are no different than the spirits of the living.

Perhaps rather than telling chilling stories intended to instill fear, we could read excerpts from near death experience books, thus learning from those who have actually crossed over to the other side and returned to share their astonishing experiences. (Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorjani is my personal favorite, but there are many books/websites/videos out there.)

Those who have died and come back consistently share that what they experienced on the other side felt infinitely more real and fundamental than their experience here on Earth in a physical body. Perhaps Halloween could be a day to approach this more real “reality,” one that is inevitably on the horizon for us all, with reverence and open curiosity. By acknowledging and approaching death in this sacred way, we might even be inspired to live more fully—with joy, purpose and immense gratitude for our time here.

THANKSGIVING

As I mentioned earlier, Thanksgiving isn’t doing too bad. We could all maybe lean into the theme of gratitude a little more intentionally, learn about and from the native cultures that once populated this land, and skip the third serving of pie… but otherwise, carry on!

FULL CIRCLE

And here we are, back at the beginning of the cycle, re-entering the season of darkness, the zero point of the year, the place where the presence and absence of all possibilities exist simultaneously.

Speaking of possibilities, that’s exactly what the aforementioned suggestions are: possibilities, ideas, a starting point. I invite you to reimagine your holidays, celebrations and traditions in a way that brings more depth, meaning, connection, well-being, inspiration, joy and love into your life. And remember: this doesn’t have to be done in an either/or, all-or-nothing manner. Shifting the texture of your holidays can be as gradual or abrupt as you would like. You might gently incorporate some new traditions to enrich what you already have in place; or, if you are entirely fed up with the current holiday trend, perhaps you are ready to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. I encourage you to play with this in a way that works for you and your family. May we all individually and collectively remember that which is most sacred.

You may also enjoy reading 13 Holy Nights: Reclaiming the True Magic of the Solstice Season, by Lara Day.

The post Holidays Reimagined: Ditching Commercialization to Discover More Meaning & Humanity appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

A philosophy professor reflects on practices in Islam, Judaism and Christianity that underscore our oneness as humans in search of love and purpose

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Love, in the three Abrahamic traditions, can seem impossibly demanding. Love insists that we not only act on behalf of others, love insists that we feel the suffering of others, that we place ourselves in the place of the suffering of others, and that we act to relieve their suffering.

Properly transformed, our love must be suffering love. But if we are honest, we seem more captive to our fears than to our concern and care for others, especially outside of our tribe or race or group. So each of the three traditions specifies various rituals which aim at transforming us from fear-driven self-seekers into empath-driven suffering-lovers.

In this essay, I will talk about one ritual from each tradition and how it would affect our transformation into God-powered lovers. I will look first at prayer in Islam, second at Shabbat in Judaism, and, finally, hospitality in Christianity.

Prayer: connecting to God and the good

On my first trip to Turkey, some Muslims that I had just met invited me into their home for dinner. I had met them on the street and we had struck up a conversation; as we parted, they invited me home for a meal. At the dinner, I heard the omnipresent call to prayer. I waited for our Muslim hosts to end our dinner and then head off to the mosque to pray. I waited in vain.

As I waited, I noticed that one Muslim would leave the dinner table and not

return for several minutes. Then another would depart for a few minutes. They all left, one at a time, and returned without comment. Finally, my curiosity burst: “What are you all doing, leaving one by one? Where are you going?” They chuckled quietly and explained.

Most Muslims, they told me, pray most of the time in a small, dedicated room in their home or at their place of work or even in a mall. Five times a day, they enter that quiet room, unroll a prayer mat, point it toward Mecca, and recite their prayers. My friends generously invited me into their private prayer room so that I could watch their prayers.

Although I was embarrassed at turning prayer into a spectator sport, they blithely ignored me and went about their business.

My Muslim friend—praying as I spectated in that small room—told me that five times a day, he and his family pray the following:

There is no God but You

In the Name of Allah, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful.

Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Universes,

the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful!

Master of the Day for Judgment!

You alone do we worship and You alone do we call on for help.

Guide us along the Straight Path.

Five times a day, he prays to the All-Merciful God to guide him along the path of righteousness and mercy. Five times he prays to the One God, the Lord of the Universes.

Five times a day he worships God alone.

Islam’s radical monotheism is nowhere more evident than in that tiny room, with just enough space for the One True God and the heart of the sincere worshiper. No room for other gods. Not Wadd, Suwa, Yagut, Yauq or Nasr; they are only wood and stone. Not the Sun or the Moon or the Mountain; he worshiped the Creator of Heaven and Earth. And not himself.

In praying to God alone, my friend is also confessing and conceding that he is not God. I heard—in his bowing and his prayers to the Lord of the Universes—the simple and powerful ritual renunciation of pride, of thinking himself God. According to Kamand Kojouri: “You have no choice. You must leave your ego on the doorstep before you enter love.”

Third, praying to God alone attaches the pray-er to the Source of Rightly-Directed Loves. In that sacred moment, the pray-er seeks to love what God loves and to hate what God hates. God loves, we know from the Quran, the poor, the widow, and the orphan; God loves, we know from the Quran, peace. The pray-er then leaves that sacred place to bring peace in love to God’s world, peace that includes the flourishing of everyone,

Even, and perhaps especially, the poor, the widow, and the orphan.

Finally, I sensed, in his double repetitions of love

In the Name of Allah, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful.

Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Universes,

the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful!

his heartfelt desire to unite with love.

While ritualized activity can be dull and repetitive, I suspect such regular and repetitive rituals may be necessary to overcome our most recalcitrant desires—fears, say, or selfishness. Islam insists on regular ritually prescribed prayers to transform selfishness into love. There is no quick and easy path to love.

Prayer attaches us to Love and leads us to seek peace. I think it would be spiritually beneficial for everyone to bow down five times a day.

Shabbat and home

In the mid-90s, we joined fellow-philosopher, Stewart Shapiro, in their home to share a sabbath meal, changing my life forever. Stewart shared with me his tradition, his belief and unbelief, and his family’s love.

Upon entering the door, the sounds and smells made it feel like we were entering into a new world. We arrived just after sundown on a Friday evening and were greeted with a warmhearted, “Shabbat Shalom!”

The sumptuous food had been prepared beforehand. Unlike our typical Friday evening at home, the TV was off, no music was playing. Although there was a hubbub outside—with boisterous university students on parade from this pub to the next—inside it was quiet and calm and peaceful. The family had gathered in the living room, relaxing and enjoying one another’s company.

Shabbat, which means “day of rest,” celebrates the day on which God rested from creating the world and all that it contained. While aimed at honoring God, it also has a more mundane human function. In Exodus 34:21 we read, “Six days you shall work, but on the seventh day you shall rest.” If taking downtime was good enough for God, it’s good enough for God’s people. Every week, from sundown on Friday to sunset on Saturday, Jews reserve this day for holiness and peace.

One might imagine, in Hebrew Bible times, that, after six days of arduous agrarian work, a day of rest was remarkably refreshing. But more than physically refreshing, the sabbath is spiritually reorienting (or intended as such).

For six days a person works, but no work is permitted on the seventh because “in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day and consecrated it” (Exodus 20:11).

By taking a weekly break from acts of creation (work) and focusing your entire attention on God, you are regularly reminded that God is the Creator and you are not. Every seventh day, amidst the hustle and bustle of your often self-absorbed life, you must rest and remember that you are not God. Seems like a ritual practice that everyone could benefit from.

Stewart’s wife, Beverly, and his children were delighted to share their sabbath with us. They explained the food, they spoke in Hebrew and translated for us, they sang deeply resonant songs, and they moved together in unity and harmony. However, what was familiar for them was a mystery to us. It reminded me of the Kenny Rogers song, “The Gambler.” We didn’t “know when to hold up, when to fold up, when to walk away, when to run.”

So Beverly and her children graciously guided us into their familiar world of Torah and challah bread and kosher brisket and moody candles.

To be completely honest, and despite their best efforts, it was difficult for me. Their world was not my world. Their smells were not my smells. I felt anxious not knowing exactly what to do next and not recognizing what song was being sung. And my ADD-self wanted some rock music and a little TV; I’m not good at relaxing.

This was not my home.

Then it hit me—so this is what it feels like to be an outsider. I felt anxious, isolated, ignorant, disconnected, and disempowered. I felt, for this very short time, what they must feel all of the time. What a burden we’ve laid on those who aren’t us.

No wonder they shut their doors, turn off their lights, light their candles, and cling to one another in the dark. You’d want a sabbath’s rest, too.

Why take an entire day out of one’s hectic week and rest with family and friends?

As Jews well know, the world can be hostile, broken. They’ve experienced countless manifestations—from alienation and injustice all the way to Holocausts—of our separations from one another. So, once a week it’s good to cling to one another in the dark and hope for healing of our broken selves and our broken world.

The Sabbath ritual begins with the Shalom Aleichem Prayer, a prayer for peace—for wholeness, healing, inclusion, justice, and mercy. There are many other prayers—of gratitude for God’s commandments (the light of the Law) and for God’s sustenance and grace (blessing of the wine), for sanctification (the washing of the hands), and for blessings on the children. The Sabbath’s rest is not aimed at making us better workers, it is aimed at making us better people.

The Sabbath provides space, place for re-creation, recreation, restoration, and recommitment. As fallible creators for six days, we need a day to cease from creation, to remind ourselves of the Creator, and to allow the Creator to re-create us. With family and friends, Jews play games, tell jokes, and share stories and food and lives. They meditate and receive instruction on their way to restoration and recommitment—to God and to one another and to, with God, continually creating God’s world in love and Justice.

The Sabbath recreates, every seventh day, God’s design for creation—humans, as a family, sharing a meal and sharing love in peace. I take family here to include close members of one’s spiritual community. God begins our journey to peace, in family. 

We learn of God and God’s commandments, first and foremost, from our parents. We learn of love—parental and brotherly/sisterly—first and foremost within our family. We learn of obedience and patience and kindness and self-sacrifice and grace—first and foremost instruments of peace.

Families, as God intended them (and they are often not), are where we first meet God and justice and love. Families are, as God intended them, our first spiritual home, our original source of goodness and strength.

Our family and closest spiritual friends, then, are our roots. But family and closest spiritual friends are not the whole tree. And fearful human beings often make family and closest spiritual friends the whole tree.

I described above all of the benefits of family—a safe haven for cultivating patience and kindness and self-sacrifice and grace. The first place where we meet God. We will always and forever have just one spiritual home. And home is good, it’s our place of rest.

But just as our religion creates in-group, and all the good that in-group promises, religion also creates out-group, and all the bad that out-group entails.

Because fear is stronger than love, our fears of others can drive us into in-group and against out-group.

We need, then, rituals that extend empathy out of in-group and into out-group. Or, another way to put it, we need rituals to expand in-group to include all of God’s holy creatures.

Hospitality

The first two rituals, daily prayer in Islam and keeping the Sabbath in Judaism, are rooted first in God’s love for us and second our family’s love for us. They are foundational rituals that aim at orienting us towards love of others. But daily prayers and the keeping of sabbath are vastly more likely to orient us toward and identify us with in-group. When you add in the many real and also countless imaginary fears that we face, daily prayer and sabbath-keeping can cultivate in-group love at the expense of out-group care and concern.

Our fears move us to build walls, but God wants us to build bridges. The Abrahamic solution, hospitality, involves rituals of love that either extend empathy to out-groups or expand an in-group to include all of God’s creatures. I will conclude with a discussion of hospitality, a decidedly out-group-aimed virtue. Although I will focus on the Christian tradition, we can find the virtue of hospitality in Judaism and Islam as well. Let us start with a definition. According to Henri Nouwen, Hospitality means primarily the creation of a free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy.

Hospitality is not to change people, but to offer them space where change can take place… Hospitality is not a subtle invitation to adopt the lifestyle of the host, but the gift of a chance for the guest to find his own.

Note: Hospitality seeks to cultivate a change in the host, not in the guest. Hospitality is a virtue that aims at cultivating self-giving, other-regarding love. However, Christian “hospitality,” as practiced, is often disguised evangelism, the attempt to change the guest’s beliefs. But Hospitality is a unique virtue, one that aims at uniting human beings across, often deep divides.

I have taken many Christian philosophers on dozens of trips to China for cross-cultural dialogues—Confucian-Christian, sometimes, or Daoist-Christian, or Buddhist-Christian. In addition to encouraging Christian scholars to write in simple, clear, idiom-free sentences and to speak slowly and enunciate every word, I also ask them not to evangelize. I’m not opposed to anyone sharing their faith. But missionary work is illegal in China; evangelism can put the entire group or the future of the project in jeopardy. And, Christians, of all dialogue partners, are among the world’s worst listeners.

But some philosophers couldn’t resist a captive communist audience and loudly took every opportunity to tearfully share their testimony. The secret police would intervene and the following year’s conference would be mysteriously canceled.

I tell these stories to make the minor point that love listens but also the major point, the one that Nouwen makes, that Hospitality aims primarily at the expansion of empathy in one’s self by “the creation of a free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy.” Hospitality is not aimed at changing the stranger; the virtue of Hospitality seeks to transform the host into a better, more expansive lover, not to transform the stranger into another self. So Hospitality, clean and simple, is not disguised evangelism—if you are aiming at them, the stranger, you are being combative and hostile, not empathetic and expansive.

Love listens, love expands.

The cultivation of the virtue of Hospitality requires us to heed Jesus’s demand to love not only our own people, but everyone in the world. It requires us to begin opening up ourselves to people who are not like us, people that we might even fear as stranger or enemy. So, first and foremost, Hospitality often takes courage—to walk out of your home and down your street to the house of your unknown and very different Muslim or African-American or Mexican or Jewish or atheist neighbor. You may need to leave your comfortable worship home and visit a synagogue or a mosque or the Free-Thinkers Society meeting. Or you may need to roll down your window and share a dollar or a cup of coffee with a street-side beggar.

Each of the Abrahamic traditions includes rituals which, if practiced as intended, would learn us love. Love, so it seems, takes practice, practice, practice.

Learning to love God, Muslims say, requires five private prayers a day, every day, for the entirety of your life. Learning to love kin and extended kin, Jews say, requires setting aside normal activities and sharing with others for twenty-four long hours each week. Learning to love strangers and even enemies, Christians say, requires courageously and humbly opening your door and inviting them in for food, drink, and shelter.

Daily prayer reorients our love away from self and toward God and what God loves; as Rumi writes: “The ego is the greatest idol.” Shabbat re-orients our love away from self to kin and extended kin. Hospitality reorients our love from self and kin (ingroup) to stranger and enemy (out-group). Each ritual step of the way is a difficult move away from fear, resentment, grief, and anger—toward gratitude, humility, generosity, and respect.

Each ritual of love is designed to practice love of God and others, over and over and over. Until it catches.

There is no easy path to Abrahamic love; so there’s no easy path to God’s blessing all the world through the children of Abraham.

You may also enjoy reading The Magic of Self Love and Positive Energetic Vibration, by Karamjeet Kaur.

The post Rituals of Love: Exploring 3 Religious Practices which Foster Faith, Love & Unity appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

We all know it is virtuous to be kind, but did you know it has tangible benefits for your wellbeing as well? Practicing kindness is a true win-win.

—

The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.

~ Oscar Wilde

Kindness is not only good for others, it’s good for your own wellbeing. When you help others out of genuine concern for them, your levels of endorphins surge in your brain. Endorphins are naturally-occurring opiates that both relieve pain and give a sense of pleasure and wellbeing.

Kindness has natural healing benefits that are bestowed both on the givers and those receiving kindness. The warm feeling that we get from being kind releases oxytocin, the “love hormone” which helps to strengthen bonds with others by making us feel more trusting and connected. Being kind also releases serotonin and dopamine, hormones which lift your mood so you feel more positive.

As Dacher Keltner asserts in Born to Be Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life, when we give, share, or cooperate — reward circuits light up in the brain. Given that we are social beings, it makes sense that kindness toward others is intrinsically rewarding.

The release of oxytocin brings on a cascade of electrical impulses that can lower blood pressure, slow heart rate, and reduce levels of inflammation. This important hormone softens our arteries, speeds up wound healing, and stimulates the growth of new blood vessels.

Kindness occupies the same neural circuits as addictive drugs. It can be as effective as pain-killing drugs due to the release of endorphins. It’s no wonder that the array of activity flowing through the brain and body spawned by kind actions has been dubbed both the “helper’s high” and the “giver’s glow.”

Kindness Is in Our Genes

Evolutionary scientists believe kindness is part of our DNA. The human brain is innately wired to be altruistic. The desire to help others and the spirit of cooperation are fundamental to our human heritage. There is research suggesting the capacity to derive joy from giving may be a universal feature of human nature.

If altruism is a deeply rooted part of human behavior, then kind acts would be intrinsically rewarding from the earliest stages of life, even when these acts come at a personal cost.

To test this, researchers gave toddlers just under the age of two a pile of appealing treats and asked them to give one of their treats away to a puppet. The children exhibited more happiness when they gave treats away than when they received treats themselves. Surprisingly, they showed the highest levels of happiness when they gave a treat away from their own stash rather than the experimenter’s.

There is ample research showing that giving, both in terms of time and money, is positively related to health and wellbeing. When older adults were asked whether they gave help to others in the past year, those who did not provide help to others had a 30 percent higher chance of dying after a stressful life event than those who assisted friends, neighbors, or relatives.

To study the relationship between giving to others and blood pressure, researchers asked adults being treated for high blood pressure how much money they had contributed each month to friends and family, or religious, political, or charitable organizations. The more they gave to others, the lower their blood pressure was two years later. Following up, they gave them money and asked them to splurge either on themselves or on others. The charitable givers exhibited lower blood pressure than the self-spenders. The difference was on par with blood pressure reductions from exercise or starting new anti-hypertension drugs.

Those spending money on others report greater happiness in both rich and poor countries. Volunteering is also linked to experiencing happiness. The more people volunteer the happier they are.

Doing Acts of Kindness

Doing simple acts of kindness for just brief periods can increase happiness. Studies on performing acts of kindness show a variety of kind acts matters. It turns out, the variety of kind acts affects happiness more than how often they are performed. Because the brain loves novelty, doing the same kind act regularly can lessen its impact once it becomes familiar. Getting creative and doing surprising, unusual, and novel acts increases the natural high kindness brings. Doing a burst of kind acts in a short period rather than spreading them out over a longer period of time has a greater impact on happiness.

Taking just a minute to do something to make someone’s day a little better can sometimes make an immeasurable difference. When one of my dear friends had a serious bout of depression, I made it my first task of the day to find something loving, uplifting, encouraging, or funny to include in a text I sent to her every morning. I did this for 49 days—until she told me she finally was coming out of her “dark night of the soul.” It took me only a minute or two, but she keeps telling me how much that little act of kindness meant to her.

Here are some kindness practices to spark your own ideas of ways to bring more kindness into the world by taking some action that will have an impact on your own little circle, your community, or beyond. This list includes a variety of ways you can be more deliberate about making kindness a habit. Some you can do for just a moment, for a designated period, or decide you want to establish as a ritual you do every day. You never know the ripple effect of one kind act.

Ways to Boost Acts of Kindness

• Dedicate a day of the week to acts of kindness and challenge yourself to come up with novel kindnesses. For example, you may choose every Wednesday.
• Give something away. It doesn’t have to be something tangible. You might give someone your spot in line or give your time and attention to someone who needs some support.
• Make a kind or supportive comment to everyone you have contact with at your first encounter of the day.
• Have a “be a kind driver” day where you do things like let others turn ahead of you, let someone in line in front of you, and refrain from blowing your horn when you get annoyed.
• Buy a large pack of individually-wrapped snacks and walk through an area where those who are hungry congregate and give them all away.
• Devote a day to looking for opportunities to give out compliments. It could be for a job well done, a kindness you see someone doing, a nice smile, or anything at all.
• Spend a day doing acts of kindness for strangers.
• Be a “secret admirer” for someone and give the person special attention by doing kind, thoughtful, and surprising things.

You may also enjoy reading Do You Have the Courage to Choose Kindness? by Donna Cameron.

The post The Surprising Benefits of Practicing Kindness and How to Make it a Habit appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

High achieving women often fall into the trap of seeking an ever-elusive balance, but that can be a straight path to burnout and resentment

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Anytime I’m on a panel or speaking or in session with my highly ambitious, successful female coaching clients there comes a point when we talk about balance. On panels and in workshops, I’m always asked, how do you balance everything? What’s the secret to balancing it all?

I so understand the desire of the questioner to know what she’s missing. And when I stop and reflect on that question, underneath is the notion that that’s what success looks like for women. That, balance and doing it all means we’re worthy and that we’ve been able to unlock this mystery that’s pervasive and elusive at the same time.

In my experience, it’s the one consistent question that gets asked all the time of women. And, if you haven’t asked it, you’re wondering and or thought about it off and on. And, you may feel that you’re missing the balance hack, you may even feel ashamed for not being able to balance it all.

When you’re a woman, whether you’re a mom or not, it seems that guilt, shame and exhaustion are the pillars of our life.

Balance somehow became ingrained in our psyche as the way to move through this world. The image of a woman having a thriving career, asking for the big projects, getting that promotion and managing a team with aplomb and then going home to make dinner for her family or partner, and then find time to work out and hydrate and read a book while we’re at it to keep our minds sharp and worldly all the while keeping up our homes and our social lives, too.

I bought into that storyline, too. It got me hook, line and sinker very early on. In my career, I climbed as high as I could with the big corner office, managing a large team, doing the strategic thinking, delegating, growing my employees and being a mentor to others to boot! Then, I’d go home to coach my daughter’s soccer team, while later making dinner for the family and then getting back onto the computer to grind it out and ‘be on’ from 7pm until I fell exhausted into bed at around midnight — completely ignoring my partner.

That’s what my week looked like and, on the weekends, it was just as packed and on the go with my 3 kids who at that time of my life were all under 5. YES! I was on that elusive balance track, grinding my way through the days, dealing with a rough postpartum depression that I didn’t really want to acknowledge and was just glad to somehow be on the other side of. I was definitely burning the candle on both ends really really HOT. Until it combusted. My body told me … well, it yelled at me that it was too exhausted to move and that I needed to stop. I remember a picture that was captured of me, fast asleep — sitting UP mind you, with my 3 littles flanked around me.

Breaking up with the chase for balance and the notion of balancing it all as success has been the best strategy for living a life that feels more aligned and much more authentic to me. Now, when I’m asked that question on panels and in speaking events, I say, we all need to text balance that we’re breaking up and there’s no going back!

So, how do we break this endless cycle?

It starts with giving ourselves permission. Yes. Give yourself permission to get curious about other possibilities and other ways of living that feel more aligned with you. Anything we aim to do differently requires the first step of self-awareness — and a mindset of curiosity is that unlock that helps you understand yourself better.

Ask yourself:

1. What are my values? Identifying your values helps you clearly see what your priorities are and if you’ve been making decisions according to that or not. (And by the way, I have a handout on my website that can help you identify your values.)
2. After you’ve identified your top 1-3 values, then identify what season of life you’re in. Are you early career, which can look different from mid and later career? Are you in a big transition where perhaps your kids are moving out to go to college? Are you out of college and just embarking on a career or are you in your 2nd or 3rd phase of a life transition that allows for more flexibility in ways you didn’t have before?
3. One you’ve identified your values and your season of life, put down all the ‘shoulds’.  What actions and activities are you saying ‘yes’ too from a mindset of “should” versus one that’s in honor of your values and season of life? That could mean you opt out of the happy hour with your friends or networking event.
4. Make decisions and say ‘yes’ to what lines up with your values, priorities and season of life! And start saying ‘no’ more often. This last part will require a lot of compassion for yourself. High achieving women have atrophied their muscle/ability to say no, but that’s ok…just begin and see how freeing it can be.

For this season of my life in which my kids are older, I have much more flexibility and can say yes more to work engagements, and I’m speaking more than I did in the past when they were little and I wanted to be home with them.

Ensuring that we stay authentic to our definition of success is a journey and constant practice. And, giving yourself a lot of grace and compassion in getting off the balance treadmill is a practice so worth doing.

You may also enjoy reading Better Boundaries, Better Balance: 5 Tips for Prioritizing YOU, by Sweta Vikram.

The post Breaking Up with Balance: Busting the Work-Life Myth for Women appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes

A psychotherapist draws from her client experiences to craft a novel inspired by human courage and hope in the face of painful circumstances

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After stopping to smell my twentieth flower, I took a deep breath and headed to the mossy spot I knew Josh liked. I found him lying with his arm over his eyes, his distressed pose. I sat down next to him, my stomach in knots.

            “Sorry, Josh.”

            “Okay.”

            “It won’t happen again.” At least not for a while, and hopefully he would be the one to kiss me next time.

            “Okay.”

He was lying perfectly still, probably afraid to move around me now. I was a bundle of jittery nerves, sitting there rocking my legs from side to side, tapping my feet together.

            “Can we go back to normal?”

            “Okay.”

            “That’s not very convincing.”

            He moved his arm to look at me. “My life is so not normal right now, Kai. And you just made it weirder. I would love for things to go back to normal, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.” He put his arm back over his eyes. I felt like I was going to cry but held it in.

            “I really am sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

            “Don’t bullshit me, Kai. If you want to apologize, at least be straight.”

“That will make it even weirder. I’m trying to make it easier and better for you.” The way I handled Dad wasn’t working here. “What do you want me to do? I’ll do whatever you want.”

            He sat up, looked at me, then looked off into the distance. “I know you have feelings for me, and you know I don’t feel that way.”

He paused. I was pretty much holding my breath because it felt like breathing might lead to crying, and I really didn’t want to cry.

“But I do care about you, and I hope you know that too.”

I let out a long breath, feeling like this might actually be okay.

He picked up a branch and poked at the moss and dirt, then added, “You just have to stay in your lane, okay? We’re like cousins, siblings, friends. That’s how it is.”

I picked up a stick and dug in the moss too, thinking about that.

            “I’m okay with friends. And, like, second cousins twice removed. Not siblings. Can that be how it is?”

            He grinned and squinted over at me. “Okay, second cousins twice removed.” He tossed the branch aside, lay back down, and put his arm over his eyes again. “Your dad was not happy with me.”

            “Me neither, but he’s fine now. My dad likes to avoid messy stuff, so you’ll never hear about it again.” I dug in the dirt for a few minutes while we both pondered things.

            “You are a brave girl, Kai. And clever. You put yourself out there and get what you want most of the time, huh?”

            “Most of the time. Eventually. Sometimes I just have to be patient and wear people down.” I grinned and lay down on the moss next to Josh.

I felt different, older.

“This has been a weird day,” I said.

“You’re tellin’ me,” Josh answered.

“I had a talk with my mom that was different than ones we’ve had before, and this is different too, talking with you like this. But I talked to my dad and that was just the same. I don’t know, it’s just got me all confused.”

“Confused about what?” He turned his head toward me, his arm shading his face but not blocking his eyes now.

I kept looking up at the sky. Watching the light through the leaves made it easier to articulate my thoughts.

“Is it better to tell people what you think or to tell them what they want to hear?”

“Dang, that’s a serious question.” He rolled back into his contemplative position, arm over eyes. “I have no clue. I usually tell my dad what he wants to hear and do what he wants me to do, and my life goes along just fine. Then I stand up to him, and I get punched in the face and kicked out of the house.”

“Yeah, that’s what I mean. Mom said I should use my voice, not worry about what other people want to hear, but then she told me what I should say to you and Dad, and it was what you both wanted to hear, not what I really wanted to say.” A breeze rustled the leaves above me, and I squinted as the sun poked through the fresh spaces.

“I usually tell my dad what he wants to hear because he fights with my mom when she says what she actually thinks,” I continued. “It works better my way, but I don’t really like how it feels. I came out here to tell you what you wanted to hear, but then I told you what I really thought and that felt better.” I rolled my head to look at him. “It’s confusing.”

“It’s confusing because it’s bullshit.”

“Is that your favorite word?” I teased.

“It’s my life right now,” he joked back, although it wasn’t really a joke.

“It’s like they say to do it one way, but they don’t really mean it and they definitely don’t do it that way,” I said.
            “I’ve been thinking about all this since my mom put me on that train in the middle of the night, and I still don’t have a clue,” Josh said. “The one thing I do know is that some people clearly don’t want to know what we’re thinking or how we feel. Some people definitely want us to tell them what they want to hear. And if we want to live with those people without causing problems, we better do it their way.”

“You’re going to do it that way with your dad?”

“You bet, but I’m also going to get out of there as soon as I possibly can. College, work, whatever, I’m out of there one year from now. I can keep my mouth shut for a year, but then I don’t want to be like that. I want to be someone who means what I say and does what feels right.”

“I want to be that kind of person too. Maybe just not with my dad.”

“Yeah, probably not with our dads.”

“But maybe with each other?”

“Maybe.” Josh peeked at me again. “As long as you stay in your lane.”

I smiled at him and looked back at the sky. I wasn’t going to say anything that wasn’t true, so I kept my mouth shut. I saw him shake his head a little, grinning at my intentional nonresponse.

            I was thinking all these deep and profound thoughts, but mostly—really, truly, predominantly—I was thinking about Josh lying next to me, how someday maybe he would reach over and take my hand or roll over and kiss me, but how right now it was nice to just lie here next to him and know that he knew what I was thinking and feeling and that he was still there beside me. He didn’t like it, it wasn’t ideal, but he was hanging in here with me, and that meant a lot.

***

When I started writing All I Know, I thought it was a love story between Kai and Josh, but I came to realize that the novel wasn’t their story, it was Kai’s story, of which Josh was only one part. Josh is the boy that Kai has always loved, their families connected since before they were born. Kai’s belief that she is destined to be with Josh is a defining part of her identity, especially after a devastating tragedy shakes her belief in most everything else in her life. Kai’s journey, though, is never really about whether or not she will end up with Josh. It is about cultivating faith in herself.

As I began to focus the novel more fully on Kai, I paradoxically and simultaneously expanded the development of her other relationships, and the book became something that was romantic, yet went beyond romantic love to encompass the many forms love takes—the depth of sibling bonds, the power of female friendships, the complexity of parent-child relationships, and the importance and challenge of loving oneself. All of these iterations of love are interwoven, and I hear stories every day that prove that.

I am both a psychotherapist and a writer, and that makes perfect sense to me, since I have always been captivated by people and their stories. My professional life is built around listening to stories, and every day I absorb tales of heartbreak and loss, trauma and tragedy, courage and resilience, and those stories are reflected in my writing.

I have also learned how common it is for childhood wounds and unmet needs to impact the way people show up in their adult relationships.

This is certainly true for Kai and Josh.

At the very start of the book, Kai recognizes that Kade, her twin brother, and Josh are the two main characters in her life, so it’s natural that her relationship with Kade influences the one she develops with Josh. Part of the inspiration for that element of Kai’s story came from a client I worked with who had a sibling who was deeply troubled and caused much suffering for themself and my client. She tried her best to take care of them, to keep them safe and well, but that was out of the realm of what an adolescent person could do. We worked together to process the confusing combination of emotions she experienced about her sibling: worry about them, fear for herself, anger at them, guilt and shame that she couldn’t do more. We also worked on how she could trust people and move past her anger and guilt to grow healthy relationships. A lot of the work I did with her is reflected in Kai’s journey.

Kai’s father is an alcoholic who does not consistently show up for his kids, and along with Josh’s abusive experiences with his own alcoholic father, this leads to an enmeshed love story between the two of them that I have seen play out many times in my work with individuals and couples. Details vary, but the themes of codependency and shame, sacrificing core pieces of self for other, the resentment that comes from a lack of boundaries, are all things that clients talk with me about on a daily basis and have informed Kai and Josh’s complicated relationship.

Kai’s mother, on the other hand, is a positive guiding force in her life. She is stable and strong and wise. She is not perfect, but she is good enough. I am often amazed by clients who overcome horribly difficult experiences, wondering why some people get stuck in those hardships and others rise above them.

One thing that I have found to be true is that people with consistent, loving primary caregivers are more likely to be resilient.

They are more likely to recover faster when terrible things happen to them. They find it easier to trust in the world and have hope that things will eventually get better. I intentionally gave Kai a good enough mother so that she would have the inner resources to overcome the things I was going to throw at her.

Another protective factor that I observe in clients and gave to Kai was a circle of good friends. The women who know, understand and support Kai enable her to make hard choices and not get lost in damaging patterns for too long. I’ve worked with clients who are lonely and don’t have reliable friends, and they have a much harder time overcoming depression and trauma and tend to stay stuck.

Humans aren’t meant to struggle alone. We thrive in community, and those without community have difficulty thriving.

I always intended for Kai to thrive, so I surrounded her with a community of fierce females.

People often ask me how I can do this job, with all the pain and struggle that I vicariously experience. They miss the point. To me, the most profound part of my job is seeing people heal. For all their struggles, people overcome. I am constantly inspired by my clients’ courage, their ability to hold onto hope, their determination and resilience. I created a story that put a lot of obstacles in Kai’s path, but I only did that because I knew she would be a character who, like my inspiring clients, would find a way to keep going.

Throughout the novel, Kai writes letters to the important people in her life. The book ends with a letter to her brother Kade:

Josh is a part of me. You are a part of me. Mom and Dad are part of me. But I am also whole all by myself. That’s why I’m sitting here alone, feeling you and Josh and all our history, but not feeling lonely. I’m feeling myself.

That’s all I know, and it is enough.

You may also enjoy reading The Beauty of Vulnerability: How Being Vulnerable Can Improve Relationships, by Laura Bishop.

The post Stories of Resilience: A Novel Reflects Our Complex Relationships and Wounding appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Trauma comes in many forms and is often a result of family lineage, which is why acknowledging the role of your ancestors can pave a path for healing

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Many people think of trauma solely as an incident that happened to us or someone else that is intense, violent, or life-threatening; however, trauma can also be a suffering from emotional or psychological pain that results in stressful feelings.

Healing Intergenerational Trauma

Just as trauma can be intergenerational, so can healing. A literature review by Buonagurio [1] (2020) showed that dance/movement therapy can help individuals heal from intergenerational trauma or trauma that gets passed from one generation to the next. In this case, the body embodies the trauma and movement allows the individual to weave their narrative back together to acknowledge the inherited trauma, while at the same time promoting a sense of healing.

As Brown says, “your family’s past is not your destiny” (2022). Connecting with our ancestors not only sheds light on the past, it can also provide clues to who we are and how we can heal from intergenerational trauma. The fact is, because our ancestors’ destiny is not ours, we do have the power to heal and initiate change in our lives and future generations. [2] 

In Ancestral Medicine: Rituals for Personal and Family Healing [3], Dr. Daniel Foor (2017) states that relating with your ancestors in a conscious way is beneficial for both psychological and physical health. In other words, it can boost confidence, make us aware of family predispositions and foster a sense of forgivingness which is an important aspect of familial healing. Those who are connected with their ancestors often feel more supported and comfortable in their skin; it encourages introspection, which can bring about clarity on our life purpose.

Losing Loved Ones and Visitations

By the time we arrive in our sixth decade, many of us have lost a number of loved ones. Some of those individuals might have been ancestors, including relatives and mentors, who have changed our lives in a meaningful way. It’s important to note that ancestors can also refer to places we’ve visited that deeply influenced us, and who may return in the form of a visitation.

During the Covid-19 pandemic lockdown, I found myself with a lot of time to ponder my ancestors and how they’ve influenced my life. I also spent many hours in my home writing studio waiting for the muse to arrive. Using keen observational skills, I was able to manifest the muse which inspired my most recent memoir, Hummingbird: Messages from My Ancestors, a Memoir with Reflection and Writing Prompts.

The journey of writing this book began with a daily hummingbird visit to the red flowers outside my writing studio window. It didn’t take long for me to believe that this beautiful visitor represented my maternal grandmother and caretaker, who died from suicide when I was 10.

My grandmother made herself known in a way that I cannot put into words. It’s important to note that she’s had a strong presence in my life since her passing nearly 60 years ago, because like me, she was also a writer and a healer. The pandemic hummingbird arrived at important moments, such as when I was dealing with personal or familial challenges. Sometimes when it visited, I asked it a question and heard my grandmother’s answer.

In addition to visits such as hummingbirds, there are other ways our ancestors come around. The important thing is that we pay attention to signs. Some people have found their ancestors appearing in the form of butterflies, wild animals, pictures, rainbows, slogans, coins, billboards, electrical interferences (such as flashing lights or cell phone), music, feathers, and certain numerical sequences.

Hummingbirds as Spiritual Guides

Intuitive individuals believe that hummingbirds are the greatest proof of messages from heaven. The birds can easily travel backward, which reminds us that it’s okay to look to our past and connect with memories of loved ones who have passed away. It’s been said that those who were close to you before they died commonly send messages in the form of bird spirit guides. 

Hummingbirds, in particular, resonate at a high vibration, which makes them more connected to the spiritual realm. They’re also joyful reminders and tend to open our hearts and make us smile.

Hummingbirds are referred to as messengers from the heavens because they often show up when people grieve the loss of a loved one. In this way, they can also be healing. If you ever watch a hummingbird, you’ll notice that it can come to a complete stop when traveling at high speed. Also, their movements are often in the shape of an infinity sign; thus, their connection to eternity.

Some Native Americans believe the presence of hummingbirds brings unconditional love and harmony. The Aztecs, in particular, viewed hummingbirds as brave and courageous fighters. They also believed hummingbirds to be immortal, connecting us with our ancestors. Whenever one appears, it’s sometimes viewed as a visitation from an ancestor or a manifestation of a departed person’s spirit.

Ancestors Fostering Hope

Visits from ancestors can foster a renewed sense of hope and the ability to see life’s larger picture. Having hope is critical [4], especially when dealing with challenging times, tragedy, illness, the possibility of death, or even surviving a pandemic, while at the same time can help with understanding and coming to grips with intergenerational trauma.

While I’ve had some visitation from ancestors over the years, there was something very powerful about those lockdown hummingbird visits. I felt a renewed sense of perspective and the ability to see life’s larger picture. The hummingbird also had a calming effect on me, reminding me that everything will be okay.

In 2024, may you also be blessed with connecting to your ancestors during this year of the Dragon, which, according to Chinese culture, brings both luck and power.

Reflection / Writing Prompt:

•   Describe any intergenerational healing that needs to occur in your family.

—

References

[1] Buonagurio, N. (2020). “The Cyle Continues: The Effects of Intergenerational Trauma on the Sense of Self and the Healing Opportunities of Dance/Movement Therapy: A Literature review. Expressive Therapies Capstone Theses.

[2] Brown, E. M. (2022, March 16). Intergenerational trauma and the promise of healing. Psychology Today. 

[3] Foor, D. (2017). Ancestral medicine: Rituals for personal and family healing. Bear & Company.

[4] Raab, D. (2024). Hummingbird: Messages from My Ancestors, a memoir with reflection and writing prompts. Ann Arbor, MI: Modern History Press.

You may also enjoy reading Healing from Breaking the Cycle: Healing from Complex Trauma, by Laurie B. Timms

The post How Connecting with Ancestors Can Help Heal Intergenerational Trauma appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

Following a lineage of arranged marriages, one woman realizes that her life could not be fulfilled within the walls of her own marriage of convenience

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My grandmother was fourteen when a man in her Southern Italian village asked to marry her. He was twenty-eight, a stranger to Gramma. She said, No! But her mother told her, “Marry him. He’ll take you to America.” They settled in a Pittsburgh steel town, where my mom grew up “American.” But when she was eighteen, her parents brought her back to their village, where she and my father had an arranged marriage, which helped him immigrate to the U.S. from war-bedraggled Calabria.

The first in our clan born in the U.S., I was always the family rebel, but at thirty-nine, I improvised family tradition and arranged my own “marriage of convenience” to a man I’d known for only four months and who was thirteen years older than me. He proposed on a Monday; I married him on a Friday. Of course, I had heard the advice to never marry until you’d been with your partner at least a full year and observed them in every season and during every holiday. Our Memorial Day had been great. Ditto Flag Day. The practical peasant within me said, Let’s not waste time. Said, Do you want to have a baby or not? Said, If you marry him, you’ll have health insurance.

This sounds terrible, but it’s the truth. Three years earlier, I’d been engaged to a man I loved but our relationship had fallen apart; two years later, my beloved father died. I felt I had nothing left to lose — except my slim chance of still becoming a mother.

As I made my calculations, I was fairly sure my future husband was making his, too. His ex-wife had recently remarried. If he married a younger woman, it might make it a bit easier to walk around town. But all that aside, he was a clever story-teller, and he made me laugh, and he had lovely hands. In our giddiest moments, we shared the belief that we were “meant.” During our brief courtship, I learned that it was possible to be calculating and at the same time to fall in love. Maybe that was exactly what had happened to my parents and grandparents as they moved toward their own marriages of convenience.

Married, I moved to my husband’s house in rural Missouri and lived with him for one full year. Of my hundreds of nights there, I remember warm Sunday evenings when, after our walk or a drive into town for dessert, I’d linger in the driveway and look at our country sky patched up with stars. Summer nights cluttered with insect noise and the slanting scent of chicken shit had an end-of-the-world texture to them.

You wanted to reinvent marriage, and here’s what you came up with. 

On good nights, this thought made me smile. I was now a sandal-footed, dusty woman who lived near pastures and wore all manner of thrown-together clothing, hair pulled up into odd piles. As a married woman in Missouri, I felt more solidly on latitude with my family’s Calabrian village than with New York or Washington State, where I had lived on my own as a teacher and a writer. What am I meant to learn here?

I had so harshly judged my parents and grandparents for their inability to be happier in marriage. It shamed me now to remember that I used to challenge my mother and grandmother when they felt confined in the role of wife, waiting for permission from the husband. To me, my father and grandfather didn’t seem to even want that much power. Impatient, I’d tell the women, “Why don’t you just do what you feel like doing? And if you think you can’t, just leave him!”

But back then, I knew nothing about the way troubles in marriage move like water—ever shifting—and it’s often not clear if you’re swimming or drowning.

You can’t know this until you’re navigating the rapids of your own married life. Every time my husband and I floated into peaceful waters, I believed fully in our marriage. But, as quickly as we’d married, we got pregnant. One miscarriage. Another. I was bereft, my husband at a loss to help me. He raged, I wept, and every time the undertow caught us, I hated myself for my inability to either improve the marriage or decisively end it. Mostly, I wondered how anyone could work at marriage as hard as I did and still be so bad at it.

How modest our wedding had been, with a slight air of desperation to it, like the wartime weddings I’d heard about in Italy. One of my uncles had had a friend whose wedding shirt had been quickly sewn from the cloth of an American soldier’s parachute.

I’d parachuted myself into marriage as if on a mission, its purpose urgent but unclear, landing myself in a place both mysterious and hauntingly familiar. On those nights of intermittent grace, when the country stars hung over our house just so, I felt proud of my husband and myself, engaged, as it seemed we were, in a noble experiment in the redemptive powers of middle-age love. It’s important for me to remember that our marriage included these times, too.

I’d moved halfway across the country to live with my husband. During recovery from miscarriages and fertility treatments, my job hunt had been slowed. In time, I booked a room in a church where I led private weekly writing workshops, which gave me the chance to spend time with people. I met good people, and making a little money brought me closer to a way of life I recognized. But it wasn’t much money. Since I was 21, I’d had steady income. I had savings, but by fall, they were dwindling, as was my sense of independence. So, when I got an invitation to teach an eight-week course in New York the following winter, I said yes.

Yes, Yes, Yes.

Emboldened by that offer, I made phone calls, mailed letters, and put together a few other gigs. January through March, my husband and I would commute between Missouri and New York City. Lucky for me, my subletter in the city was ready to move out of my apartment, so I was able to step back into my former life. More or less.

That was what I told people. The truth: I hadn’t left Missouri because I had jobs in New York. I’d set up those jobs so I could leave Missouri. So, I could get some distance from my husband. We were separated.

I didn’t use those words—not when I spoke to others or even to myself. We’re working on things, I told my closest friends; and they kindly repeated, Yes, you’re working things out. 

I’d left the house in Missouri on December 4, one year and three months after our wedding and exactly one year after I’d moved in. My New York jobs weren’t scheduled to begin until mid-January, but during Thanksgiving weekend, our arguments had crescendoed until inside myself I became sure of one thing: We can’t raise a child like this. 

We’d been to couples’ therapy and individual therapy; we’d talked to a priest and had tried so many times to talk to each other. But that night, I reached my limit—Should I book a hotel room? How soon can I get to the bank? — and this time I didn’t talk myself down. Instead, I closed my office door, got on the phone, and, in a lowered voice, reserved a U-Haul truck. The phone number was handy. I’d weighed the U-Haul option before.

The next day, I had to wait until my husband left for class, and then it was a race against time to figure out what to pack. Filling suitcases and boxes, I was in constant conversation with Gramma, my mother and her cousins, my great-aunt, all the women who’d raised me.

As I imagined them sitting around a coffee cake from our favorite bakery, I distinctly heard their voices reminding me, Grab a couple towels. And blankets. Just hurry! My plan was to have the truck loaded by the time my husband got home, and then I’d tell him I was leaving now rather than in January.

Or should I leave before he gets home and call him from the road?

I wasn’t sure yet, but I was relying on those women huddled just above me, their voices offering their best wisdom.

What’s she waiting for? She should leave now, before he gets home. Some were timid in marriage, like my mother.

No! She needs to talk to him, he’s her husband. How would that be, him coming home and her gone? No! Others had companionable marriages and were willing to give a guy the benefit of the doubt.

And if he gets angry? You wouldn’t catch me staying there, knowing how he gets. 

But she loves him.

Yeah, well, she’ll get over it. Everybody does.

Their voices were jumbled, so I was uncertain who was urging what, I just knew that, together, they were covering all the bases. Don’t forget the colander!

But he’ll need the colander!

Too bad for him. She needs it, too. Besides, how long before he has somebody else in there cooking for him, some other little dummy?

Hey, she’s no dummy. She just needs to rush and get out of that house.

Don’t worry, dear, it’s all in God’s hands. This could only be Gramma’s voice. We don’t know the future. But yes, you made this decision to go, so now you better hurry up. 

When he got home, my husband was surprised to see the U-Haul with my car attached to the back and to hear my news, but he stayed calm, and I was grateful for that. As we talked, the phone in my office rang twice—I had asked a friend and my brother to check on me around seven-thirty, when I knew my husband would be back home, in case we argued, in case the arguments got worse than ever. None of that happened.

Instead, he prepared a nice dinner for us. I don’t remember if we made love that night or not, but I do know the mood was such that we might have, as strange as it seems. I do remember that we lay on the futon reading, our night-table lights on, our feet touching, commenting on how “not uncomfortable” the futon was—the mattress and box spring I’d brought to the marriage were now loaded onto the truck, thanks to the help of a teenager I’d hired. As my husband and I held hands, I once again wondered if, with some work, we could return to this blessedness and figure out how to live this way permanently. I wanted to believe it. But I knew it was too late.

The next morning, as we said goodbye at the front door, I was the one who raised my voice. “I don’t want to be leaving here.” He hugged me a long time. I could feel how tired we both were. We had tried, and tried. Crying, I climbed into the truck’s cab and drove slowly through the streets of our development and out onto our country road, past the grazing cows and the collapsed barn that had been a destination for our evening walks. I made a left turn onto the two-lane. When I finally reached New York, about a week later—I spent a few days with cousins in Pittsburgh—all I had to worry about was what I should do next.

But I had some ideas. During my days driving that U-Haul caravan, I’d begun to consider my next plans. Three years later, I adopted my baby son.

You may also enjoy reading From Mid-Life Divorce to Empowered Self: A Woman’s Journey to Living Again, by Fiona Eckersley.

The post How I Left: Reflections on My Journey into Marriage…and Out appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

A social enterprise aims to protect the future for thousands of threatened species by integrating wildlife conservation into daily life

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It’s an unfortunate reality that our planet’s biodiversity is under threat, with numerous species facing the risk of extinction. The state of endangered species today is a complex tapestry of challenges, opportunities, and ongoing conservation efforts, but the important thing to note is the work being done to secure a brighter future with new, thriving generations of our world’s most at-risk animals.

The plight of endangered species is undeniably grim.

Human activities such as deforestation, habitat destruction, climate change, bycatch, and poaching have accelerated the decline of numerous species. From iconic creatures like the elephant and sea turtle to lesser-known species, the list of those up against both environmental and human-made stressors is a long one. The loss of biodiversity not only disrupts ecosystems, but also threatens the delicate balance that sustains life on Earth.

This very challenge sparked the creation of Fahlo, a passion project fueled by our shared desire to support wildlife conservation in a way that seamlessly integrates into people’s lives, igniting their enthusiasm for making a positive impact. As co-founders, we envisioned a brand that raises awareness about the critical challenges faced by endangered species and actively engages individuals in the conservation effort, with direct funding supporting the organizations on the ground.

Since our launch in 2018, Fahlo has made significant strides in fulfilling our vision. We pair thoughtfully-designed bracelets and plush inspired by animals with the ability to track real wildlife on an interactive map, fostering curiosity for wildlife and excitement for their conservation. Over the years, we have cultivated a community of like-minded individuals who not only wear our products as symbols of commitment, but actively participate in the ongoing conservation dialogue.

One of the ugly truths we currently face is the increasing rate of species extinction. The current rate is estimated to be 1,000 times higher than the natural extinction rate, primarily due to human-induced factors. The consequences are far-reaching, affecting ecosystem services, food security, and the overall health of our planet.

Urgent and decisive action is needed to prevent irreversible damage to the intricate web of life.

Despite the challenges, there is hope. Conservation efforts worldwide have made meaningful progress in protecting endangered species and their habitats. Awareness campaigns, legislative measures, and international collaborations have contributed to the establishment of protected areas and the development of sustainable practices. Success stories, such as the recovery of certain bird species and the stabilization of certain marine populations, offer glimpses of what is achievable with concerted efforts.

Renowned nonprofit and research organizations like Save the Elephants (STE) work tirelessly to gather insight into their dedicated species. In this case, they prioritize the study of elephant behavior, intelligence, and long-distance movements while fostering peaceful human-elephant coexistence. Amid ongoing threats of habitat loss and ivory poaching, STE uses the tools and knowledge acquired to set elephants up for long term survival success.

Through an official partnership, STE helped us create elephant tracking bracelets that further their mission with every purchase and track endangered African elephants within an all-new Fahlo app.

We pride ourselves on partnering with several esteemed conservation nonprofits, including the Sea Turtle Conservancy, Global Penguin Society, and Polar Bears International among others to support their work protecting endangered species, preserving habitats, conducting invaluable research, and improving the relationship between these species and the humans who share their home.

Most recently, we’ve made new updates within the Fahlo app to enhance the user experience even more, including improved satellite graphics and 3D terrain views, detailed profiles for each animal with information on nonprofit partners, and regular notifications that users receive with animal updates, facts, and more. Every bracelet and plush purchase fuels change and makes wildlife conservation fun, approachable, and wider-reaching.

Looking ahead, the future of endangered and at-risk species depends on our collective commitment to conservation.

Technological advancements, such as the use of satellite tracking and DNA analysis, provide new tools for monitoring and protecting wildlife. Additionally, there is a growing recognition of the importance of preserving biodiversity for the well-being of both ecosystems and human societies.

Governments, nonprofit organizations, and communities are actively involved in conservation initiatives worldwide. Efforts include habitat restoration, captive breeding programs, anti-poaching measures, and the promotion of sustainable practices. Conservationists are also working towards creating corridors that connect fragmented habitats, allowing species to move and thrive.

The state of endangered species today is a delicate balance between the good, the bad, and the ugly. While challenges persist, the ongoing efforts to protect and conserve wildlife provide a glimmer of hope. It is imperative that we continue to raise awareness, support conservation initiatives, and enact policies that prioritize the well-being of our planet’s diverse inhabitants. Our journey at Fahlo is a testament to the power of shared passion in creating meaningful change, and only through collective action can we ensure a sustainable future for both endangered species and the ecosystems they inhabit.

You may also enjoy reading Dancing with Mother Nature: An Adventure for Change Across Antarctica, by Zita Luiten.

The post The Fahlo Effect: Combining Fashion, Technology, and Conservation to Protect Endangered Species appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

A profound social gathering attempts to combat the wars born of egos with a collective consciousness of silence and peace

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In Hyderabad, India, from December 29, 2023 to January 13, 2024, a historic and unprecedented event unfolded. Ten thousand people from across the globe participated in an experiment to create peace in the world through silence. Participants hailing from 134 countries gathered in Kanha Shanti ashram to practice Transcendental Meditation (TM) and the advanced TM-Sidhi program. They dedicated themselves to creating peace through the enlivenment of deep silence and coherence in the collective consciousness of the world through their group practice of TM and the advanced TM-Sidhi program, including yogic flying. I was thrilled to be one of them.

During the practice of TM, the mind effortlessly settles down to the state of least excitation of consciousness. This is pure consciousness, the simplest state of human awareness. Pure consciousness is a state of perfect balance, perfect orderliness and inner bliss. Scientific experiments have shown increased harmony between all parts of the brain during the practice. There is also a pronounced reduction of psychological stress factors related to cardiovascular diseases. These positive changes occur as a result of the regular practice of Transcendental Meditation.

During the practice of yogic flying, brainwave coherence is magnified, and this is why large groups practicing yogic flying together can radiate a powerful influence of harmony and coherence into world consciousness.

The beauty of this group of ten thousand people was the incredible level of harmony, happiness and openness they expressed. There was such a family feeling among all the diverse cultures represented on the course.

Upon my arrival in Hyderabad airport, I registered with an Indian man from the ashram. While waiting for the bus to take us to the ashram, I met a lady from Romania who was visiting India for the first time. On the bus, I sat next to a woman from Poland. At the ashram, I met friends from Russia. At the housing desk, there was a man from Netherlands. It was a truly international gathering. There were nearly six thousand participants from India, and four thousand from outside India. They were united by their collective commitment to create world peace. They came to produce a positive transformation in the world.

All wars begin in the minds of men. The only way to permanently stop wars is by transforming the incoherent thought patterns and subsequent build-up of tensions prevailing in the collective consciousness of the world.

Scientific experiments on Transcendental Meditation have shown that when large groups participating in the TM-Sidhi program exceed the square root of one percent of the population, there is a decrease in negative tendencies, such as crime, accidents, and hospital admissions. The practice of the TM and TM-Sidhi program creates harmony and coherence in brain functioning and this effect is amplified when large groups meditate and practice yogic flying together for an extended period of time. The effect of coherence radiates into the collective consciousness of society.

The reason for the gathering of ten thousand people is that the square root of one percent of the world’s population is approximately nine thousand people. When such a large group meditates together, the effect of harmony spreads out into the entire world and reduces disorder, incoherence and negative tendencies. But in order to create a lasting peace, at least one permanent group of ten thousand must be maintained. The aim of the TM organization is to create a number of ten thousand groups to safeguard the security of the world.

The most recent findings in quantum field theory explain that the universe is composed of one field of waves of energy which are constantly interacting with each other with an infinite frequency. Even matter is energy; although appearing to be solid, physical objects are mainly composed of empty space. We can apply this theory and leverage our collective spirit to overcome the greed and corruption…and war…propogated by the egos of a few.

Today, the methods used to alleviate conflicts must become more subtle. We have never succeeded in stopping wars through treaties, organizations or forming alliances. We must adopt a new technology which is more far-reaching and which has no negative side-effects. One that taps onto the infinite energy field of our unity consciousness. War can be prevented by increasing the harmony in the collective consciousness of every nation. Create world peace through silence.

The silence of pure consciousness is a new, and yet ancient technology to create world peace.

Within Vedic literature, in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, it says: 

“In the vicinity of Yogic influence — unifying influence, integrating influence, coherent and harmonious influence — conflicting tendencies do not arise.”  Yog-Sutra, 2.35

This is the Vedic technology of defense. It is the method that prevents conflicts from arising. The world is in urgent need of such a technology today.

You may also enjoy reading Creating a Harmonious World Through a Coherence of Consciousness, by Barbara Ann Briggs.

The post Fighting War with Silence appeared first on BEST SELF.

As the saying goes, friends are the family you choose…but if you feel lonely, finding your tribe may require a little preparation and intention

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Although the tinsel, the fairy lights, and the fa-la-la of the holiday season are meant to uplift, December is actually a tough time for many people. One survey found that more than half of Americans in 2022 felt sad and lonely during the holidays, with nearly a quarter citing “poor relationships with family” as the cause. For many years, before I established my chosen family, I struggled with this experience myself, in spite of always having friends. It’s like gazing inside a colorful candy shop, looking at all the people enjoying the treats, but knowing that you simply don’t have the money to afford any of them.

Loneliness in general, not only during the holidays, is a major health epidemic in the US, according to surgeon general Vivek Murthy. Disconnection means profound increased health risks, including heart disease (29%), stroke (32%) , dementia for seniors (50%), and premature death (60%). Not having a place socially goes against the very fabric of our species, and our bodies and souls suffer when we are socially homeless. But it’s not just having people; many Americans have relationships with their families of origin and still feel lonely because they simply don’t feel seen, heard, or accepted.

Chosen family is a way many have taken matters into their own hands and created places of authentic belonging. Chosen family in the LGBTQ community is a cultural tradition stemming from being ostracized because of our identities. Many “houses” still exist from the drag and ballroom scene, where people take on the same last names, live together, share meals and chores, help raise one another’s children, pool resources, and support each other through difficult times.

One example I’m familiar with is the House of LeMay in Burlington, Vermont, the city where I spent most of my young adulthood. Begun in the 1990s by Bob Bolyard and Mike Hayes, the LeMays performed drag, raised funds for the community, and maintained an actual house where many members lived. Although I was only peripherally connected, I have great fondness for the LeMays. They MC’d many Pride celebrations and also hosted different events at Pearl’s, the bar where so much queer activity used to happen back in the day. I felt deeply sad when I learned of Mike Hayes’ passing in March of 2023. The House of LeMay lives on, but it won’t be the same without Mike/Margaurite and his incredible costumes. The LeMays gave their entire community the sense of home, extending far beyond their literal house.

Because chosen family has been such a profoundly positive thing for me, it’s a big theme in my novel, Falling Through the Night. Audrey, the protagonist, does most of the healing and growing up work she needs to do as a young adult with her close friends and partner. She’s not alienated from her family, but it’s her chosen family that provides both the support and the challenge she needs to develop and evolve.

So if chosen family works so well, why isn’t it more prevalent in mainstream American culture? Why all the loneliness?

The problem is, many people who love the idea of chosen family simply haven’t been able to make it happen. Social norms are still so heavily centered around the nuclear family, and it’s not self-evident how one would go about “finding” a found family. So I wanted to offer some tips for those of you who might be interested.

Practice Self Development

Getting to know yourself, your feelings, your needs, and your challenges is a fantastic way to prepare yourself for deeper relationships. It’s like preparing soil in the garden with compost before planting. When you’re in touch with your emotional tender spots and are engaged in understanding them and growing new ways of being with them, you become easier to connect with.

For example, I have a real jealous streak to my personality. It used to be difficult for me to be around friends who were enjoying success in an area I was struggling with. This meant a limitation in my capacity to be present. Then, I would feel guilty and ashamed of my jealousy. In therapy, I explored the jealousy, learned to accept it, talked about it a lot with others (incredible — other people feel jealous too!), and gradually found ways to both attend to my sensitive spots but also enjoy my friends’ successes. If there’s a moment when I’m struggling with a particular area and I am limited around supporting someone else, I find alternative ways of being present and accept my own limits. It’s opened up my capacity for love so much, and interestingly, it doesn’t flare up nearly as much as it used to, before I accepted it fully.

Interact Live

So much of relationship work happens online right now, and although it might feel more convenient, it’s highly limited. When we connect online, through text, email, or video chat, we miss most of the in-person cues and energy exchanges that are integral to human communication. Also, perhaps more relevantly, our in-person skills get rusty, and we begin to actively avoid live conversation.

Work against the trend. Pick up the phone instead of texting. Meet for coffee instead of on Zoom when possible. Challenge yourself to have any kind of difficult exchange live, and notice what’s different. You may feel initially more anxious, but this will become easier over time.

Grow Your Care Skills

Love takes practice! There are many skills involved, including nurturing, listening, celebrating, supporting, asking for and offering help, and more. I was shocked when I learned that a friend who was dealing with a serious illness felt imposed on by my phone calls. She’s an introvert and needed all of her energy to heal; voice mail messages stressed her out. Now, when someone I love is ill or struggling, I reach out by text or email first to ask if the person I’m supporting is up for a call or would prefer some space.

Keeping tabs on people is important. Reaching out and asking how people are makes them know you care and that relationships take initiative. Send a card or a funny cartoon on special

occasions. Yes, email or texting is easier, but it doesn’t mean as much. Drop off a little gift at a friend’s house or put a paperback book or clipping in the mail. Tell your friends what you appreciate about them and what you’re grateful for. Tell them you care about them. Tell them you love them. It takes practice, and might feel cringey at first, but it gets easier.

When a friend is having trouble, learn how to listen non-judgmentally. Don’t give advice unless your friend asks; most people just want to know that the people who love them hear and see them and understand them.

Learn how to be constructive in conflict. It’s a hard thing to do, but it’s possible to learn. If conflict is scary, explore that and own it. Share your journey around conflict with friends instead of shutting up. Don’t try to resolve conflict by text or email. Talk openly in person (or at least over Zoom) to have the advantage of all facets of communication (the most important ones are body language, voice, and energy).

Shift Your Focus from the Individual to the Communal

American culture focuses us on individual and family projects. If we pare down our individual needs to make space for things that benefit the community, we expand our connectedness by investing in the broader world.

Like to garden? Instead of planting one at home, how about joining a community garden? Or see if your local elementary school has one; kids love digging in the dirt. Or maybe the local senior center would appreciate some help with theirs. Instead of learning a language on the

computer by yourself, take an in-person class. Love animals? Instead of adopting, help out someone who can’t afford a dog walker. If music is your thing, join a community band or chorus. Invest in the larger community.

Hang Out with Other Available Folks

I connected with my chosen family in Montreal where I was one of several queer women immigrants. Only one of us had local extended family, so we shared the same need for a place of belonging. For holidays, we didn’t have extended family, so it made sense for us to be together. Immigrants are interesting with a lot to give; I got to learn about Kazakhstan, Australia, Lebanon and Quebec, and all the different cultural traditions, while enjoying the company of my friends.

Other places where people may be looking to create family: singles groups, spiritual communities, interest groups and clubs, and support groups.

Talk About Chosen Family

It’s a vulnerable thing to do, but experiment with verbalizing your desire for chosen family. You won’t necessarily click with everyone you meet who shares the goal, but at least you’ll know who else is looking. And by mentioning it in casual conversation, you’re liable to run into somebody who says, “You know, my friend Sarah has this group she spends holidays with…maybe I can introduce you.” Kind of like dating.

You may also enjoy reading Love Is Found Within: 3 Life Lessons From My Single Life, by Sarah Kelly.

The post Creating Your Chosen Family appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

The divisiveness in the world, the conflicts, the wars, the hatred…stems from the ego; the solution is oneness — so simple and so elusive

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We live in a world where war coverage is live, social media keyboard warriors are loud and fierce, and racism and “anti-thisism” and “anti-thatism” ring loudly in our ears. Every day, we are bombarded with negativity and violence and horrific images of war and racial slurs and vandalism. Every day, we hear about children being displaced and sold into slavery, women being raped and subjugated, and refugees fleeing their homes only to be treated as inferior citizens by those who reluctantly open their borders to them or deny them entry.

The world has been poignantly divided into perpetrators and victims, enemies and allies, black and white, men and women, nationals and refugees/stateless/foreigners, politicians and citizens, and rich and poor. Never has the divide been so obvious thanks to social media and viral videos.

Everywhere we turn, people take sides, point fingers, condemn the other, forgetting that we created the mess we see projected before our eyes. We shudder when one of our own is killed but rejoice when the so-called enemy is slaughtered. The world is in shambles and our way to respond is to further fuel the fires of war by discriminating against anyone who does not share our views or religion or nationality.

Oceans and forests and rivers welcome us all. The sun shines on us all. The sky is available to all. And yet, we refuse to live in harmony, even with all the examples nature sets for us. We choose chaos and borders and deportation and enmity and divisiveness. The very few peace activists on our planet receive death threats for daring to unite humanity. Those who choose nonviolence are considered weak and submissive. Those who root for all of humanity are verbally and physically abused and shunned and considered traitors. Those who want to unite the world are ostracized, mocked, and referred to as idealists who have no grip on reality.

But we cannot afford to be afraid of what others think. Oneness is worth it. Oneness is the only solution to all our woes. Oneness can save humanity, no matter how deeply conditioned we are to believe otherwise.

We are here to face the darkness within ourselves, transcend it, and then shine our light on one another. We are here to remind each other that nationality, borders, gender disparity, abuse, and racism are man-made constructs that are destroying any chance for peace we have on this planet. Our political ambitions and nationalism are responsible for the massacre, genocide, and displacement of our fellow brothers and sisters. The politicians we condemn are projections of our collective madness. The problem is within each of us, individually and collectively, and not what we see paraded on our screens.

The conflict Is In our egos, In the way we each move In the world, In the way we choose to hate the “other.”

The struggle we see among people is the struggle we each face, when we dare to look at the war within us every day, deep within our psyches. The struggle is primordial: humans refer to it as the battle between good and evil, the battle between darkness and light. We cannot claim to be innocent or on the side of good when we revel at the sight of a fellow human being in suffering or cheer when politicians threaten to get rid of expatriates or those who are not like us. How many of us would give water to an enemy stranded in the desert? How many of us would extend words of love rather than insults to those who do not share our beliefs? How many of us would choose peace over war? How many of us dream of a world in which people of all races, beliefs, nationalities are united in peace and love?

Only when we surrender our egos, only when we see that every single human being has a right to security, will we see the futility of war, occupation, genocide, apartheid, colonization, and resistance.

When we live in sync with nature, when “isms” dissolve, when we prize oneness over expansionism, we can finally inhabit a world that is safe for our children.

Until then, we can continue to subdue one another and fan the flames of racism by taking sides and engaging in whataboutism. We can continue to judge and intimidate the enemy, and galvanize others to destroy the enemy, putting in danger our own communities and even humanity in the process, or we can come to the realization that the enemy, the true enemy, is closer than we think. As is peace: individual and collective peace.

You may also enjoy reading True Diversity vs. Embracing Diversity, by Nejoud Al-Yagout.

The post An Invitation to Peace appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

We hear about self-care, we may even practice it regularly; but what about your kids? Engaging them in healthy, mindful experiences will benefit you both

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In today’s fast-paced world, the concept of self-care is often touted as essential for adults. However, what many might overlook is the importance of this practice for the younger generation. Just as we, as adults, need moments of rejuvenation and self-reflection, children too require these pockets of respite to navigate their dynamic worlds.

Teaching your kids the significance of self-care isn’t just about immediate relaxation; it’s about instilling habits that allow them to reset, refresh, and gear up for the challenges and joys of the coming days. Equipping them with this knowledge and routine sets a foundation for lifelong well-being. There are myriad practical and actionable ways to seamlessly weave self-care into your child’s daily life, ensuring they grow with a balanced perspective on personal well-being; here are a few.

Seasonal Bed Linen Changes

Switching out your child’s bed linens according to the season is not just a decor move, but a significant way to improve their comfort and sleep experience. I’ve always believed that our sleeping environment greatly impacts the quality of our rest. When I upgraded my own bed linens to seasonal-appropriate ones, the difference in my sleep was palpable.

Investing in a custom bed set, designed with your child’s unique needs and tastes in mind, elevates the bedroom ambiance. Beyond aesthetics, it guarantees the use of breathable and long-lasting materials that are crucial for sleep hygiene. For those cold winter nights, a snug, warm duvet can envelop them in warmth, while during the sweltering summer evenings, lightweight, airy sheets can offer a refreshing respite. Taking such intentional steps ensures that your child drifts into a deep, rejuvenating sleep, waking up refreshed and ready to face the day.

Deep Breathing Exercises for Kids

Deep breathing exercises have been a cornerstone in my personal stress management toolkit, offering a serene path to relaxation. I can’t stress enough how transformative it can be to teach your child this simple yet effective technique. When they’re engulfed by overwhelming emotions or anxiety, guide them to take slow, deep breaths. The act of concentrating on their breath not only diverts their mind but also anchors them, helping them find their equilibrium.

From personal experience, I’ve found that this method works wonders in a pinch, especially during unexpected moments of stress. What’s more, the beauty of this practice is its flexibility; it can be done virtually anywhere and anytime. It equips them with a reliable strategy to navigate the often tumultuous waters of challenging situations, ensuring they have a coping mechanism for life.

Role-Modeling Self-Care for Your Child

Children are like sponges, absorbing the behaviors and emotions of those around them, especially their parents or caregivers. I’ve observed in my own life that when I’m constantly under stress, the younger ones around me tend to become uneasy and adopt similar feelings. If you’re frequently tense or overwhelmed, your child might sense this and begin to internalize these emotions. It’s powerful to lead by example and show them that self-care isn’t just an indulgence but a vital part of living.

Prioritize your own well-being, and make sure your child witnesses you engaging in healthy habits. In my experience, actions speak louder than words, and when they see you taking time for self-care, they understand its significance. Through this, they’ll learn the invaluable lesson of practicing self-care as a part of maintaining overall health.

Promoting Healthy Eating Habits in Children

A well-balanced diet isn’t just a recommendation; it’s a cornerstone for your child’s growth and overall wellbeing. From my own journey with nutrition, I’ve learned the value of consuming diverse foods and how that can shape one’s health for a lifetime. It’s crucial to help children grasp the importance of including a variety of nutritious items in their meals.

To pique their interest, regularly introduce them to new fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Turning mealtime into an adventure can make a world of difference. By making it both playful and educational, they can relish the tastes while learning about the benefits each food offers. Remember, fostering a genuine curiosity about food can set the foundation for healthy habits.

Making Time for Fun

Having fun goes beyond mere enjoyment; it’s an essential component of a child’s growth and development. Imaginative play shapes their creativity and thinking. Fun activities empower children to let their imaginations run wild, hone their problem-solving skills, and master the art of social interaction.

I’ve found that giving them the freedom to explore without strict guidelines can lead to the most authentic learning experiences. Hence, it’s vital to ensure your little one indulges in unstructured playtime every day. Whether it’s drawing, painting, playing with toys, or diving into sports, the world is their playground. Remember, these formative experiences can shape their future in ways we can’t even imagine.

Fostering Social Connections

Want to enhance your child’s emotional wellbeing? Building their social connections is key. When I was growing up, making strong friendships significantly shaped my emotional health. Encourage your child to forge bonds with their peers. Organizing playdates, enrolling them in clubs or sports teams, or even just spending a sunny day at the park can work wonders. These moments of connection not only create lasting memories but also equip your child with vital social skills. Nurturing these bonds results in developing essential traits like empathy and cooperation. These small steps will lead to a compassionate, well-rounded adult.

Becoming an Educated Shopper

Discover the secret to smart shopping for toys and exercise gear for your little ones. Dive into online product reviews and unlock a treasure trove of valuable insights. With just a few clicks, you can unearth high-quality, safe products. But that’s not all! By involving your child in the review reading process, you’ll be nurturing their decision-making skills and teaching them the power of informed choices. Have conversations about what they think after reading reviews. Say goodbye to disappointments and hello to shopping success.

Nurturing self-care in kids is a multi-faceted task that involves creating a comfortable environment, teaching stress management techniques, setting a good example, promoting healthy eating, allocating time for play, fostering social relationships, and making smart consumer decisions. By incorporating these self-care practices into your child’s routine, you can help them reset, refresh, and prepare for the days ahead — and enjoy some fun bonding time with them in the process.

You may also enjoy reading Cooking with Kids: Tips to Engage Your Children in the Art and Joy of Food, by Maria Lawrence.

The post Nurturing Self-Care in Kids: Activities for Resetting, Refreshing, and Preparing appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

With the world in distress, a vast expression of our collective consciousness could realign humanity and rebalance our planet

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The disastrous climactic conditions prevailing on earth are signs of Nature’s distress. These effects have been caused mainly by human activities such as harmful decisions and selfish aims. The worldwide shifts in weather patterns are the repercussions, the ways, in which Nature is responding to man’s violations of natural laws. It is in our interests to heed the ample warning signals on the horizon. It is imperative in order to redress the wrongs done, and to avoid the perilous outcomes looming ahead if we continue to proceed in the present direction.

The unprecedented series of wildfires in the United States, especially in Maui and California, and in British Columbia in Canada, the impending hurricanes in California, the typhoon in Japan, the floods in China, the floods and landslides in India, the storms in Germany, the excessive heat in Iraq, and the excessive rains in Indonesia, the earthquake in Turkey and the countless other symptoms of the agony felt by Mother Earth point to the dire situation facing us today.

These imbalances in the natural order are a result and a reflection of the mounting stress in world consciousness caused by collective violations of natural law by a large majority of people.

“The universe reacts to individual actions… Discord is created, currents antagonistic to the natural conditions of evolution are set in motion in the atmosphere, and the natural stream of individual and cosmic evolution set by Mother Nature is strained.”

These words uttered by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the greatest scientist of consciousness, indicate that the stressful influences emitted by individuals in society produce tension, disharmony and discord in the functioning of the natural laws governing the evolution of life on the planet. When individuals think wrongly, speak wrongly and act wrongly, an influence of fear, anxiety and depression is produced in the collective consciousness of the nation and this influence radiates into the world.

The only remedy is to counter-act this prevailing influence with an equal and opposite influence of harmony, goodwill and compassion.

A method of alleviating the prevalence of disharmony is to have large groups of people meditating together in one place. The collective power of large group meditations can serve to mitigate the level of stress in world consciousness. In this way, we can shift the scale from negativity to positivity.

The phenomenon of creating a powerful influence of coherence in a whole community or nation as a result of a small percentage of a population practising Transcendental Mediation has been called the “Maharishi Effect” because Maharishi predicted this effect many years ago. The Maharishi Effect is an effect of coherence and positivity produced at the deepest level of nature’s functioning, the most fundamental level of life which permeates all life everywhere.

This can be understood from the perspective of physics as a “field effect” of consciousness. This principle in physics establishes that it is not necessary to act individually on each separate constituent of a system, but that the entire system can be handled collectively. In the “field effect”, the entire system is governed as a whole.  

The tactic of enlivening coherence through increasing the percentage of meditators in a population, especially through large group meditations, has the potential to enliven the whole field of collective consciousness. Through the use of this approach, which is made feasible at scale through modern technology, it is possible to rapidly produce large scale changes in the world!

There is an idea called ‘the principle of the second element’. When in darkness, bring in the light. Rather than trying to solve the multitude of problems facing the world by fumbling around in the dark, we bring in the light!

The light is the light of pure consciousness — the light of the Self. This is the value of having large groups of meditators enlivening the unified field of pure consciousness in their awareness.

Large groups meditating together can have an effect similar to a light source in a dark room. When the source is activated, it penetrates into the darkness, scatters it and illuminates the space with light. The “field effect” of consciousness is the second element, the illumination. It can eliminate the muddled thinking so prevalent in the world today.

The world is tottering on the brink of a huge shift into light. It is the future many of us are envisioning, and it is possible to make it a living reality now. With this awareness of the choices we face, and the ability to move forward together, we can collectively choose the path of light and create a harmonious, progressive and peaceful world — and restore the balance of Earth’s natural order.

You may also enjoy reading Mindfulness and Race: Bearing Witness to Our Racial Distress, by Ruth King.

The post Creating a Harmonious World Through a Coherence of Consciousness   appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Being a woman and being Jewish means being familiar with oppression — add on a third marginalized group and life gets really Interesting

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Martin was soft-spoken and had touched a soft spot in my heart. I didn’t know much about him, but I knew he was mourning the recent death of his mother. I also knew that a physical injury, the reason he sought my services as an occupational therapist, prevented him from seeking solace in his art. And, as a psychotherapist, I knew his work included giving people hope. On this day, I broke the ‘no politics’ rule when I didn’t stop him from venting his frustration with the latest dumpster fire news cycle. I even contributed.

“Imagine how I feel,” I said, “I’m a trifecta—a woman, Jewish, and gay.”

He paused briefly, then said, “Yeah, you’re screwed.”

Conversations with my patients often assume temporary space in my mind; Martin’s words took up residence. They live next to the end-of-year comment my 8th-grade English teacher, Mrs. Katz, said in a voice meant only for me to hear.

It was 1982. The mascot was a bulldog, while a ladybug represented my previous school. As Dorothy said to Toto, I knew I wasn’t in Kansas anymore when three years earlier I arrived by bus to the educational institution filling me with fear long before my first day. The large student population and fighting incidents were no secret. Encountering the wrath of some girls early in this academic tour provided my initial experience of standing in my power while shaking in my shoes.

Having spent six years in an elementary school within walking distance from my house, and two blocks from an Orthodox synagogue, it was as though the balloon had popped.

It was in this insulated environment that my Jewish roots were planted. Most of my school friends were Jewish. I was part of the larger Jewish tribe but not a member of the Orthodox community surrounding me. Observing my neighbors taught me about Judaism—their commitment to attending Shul daily, touching the mezuzah and bringing Torah to their lips, erecting sukkahs on their back porches every fall, and displaying menorahs in their street-facing windows during Chanukah. From my living room picture window, I witnessed their pride and learned fealty.

From Mrs. Katz, I learned to be proud, too. She was an Orthodox woman who seemed better suited to teach in my ladybug grammar school than in the bulldog building of my junior high. It was her inaugural year teaching there and the girls were tough, disrupting her classroom often. One girl started a fire inside the radiator, and another stood shouting, threatening to urinate on the floor if she wasn’t given a bathroom pass. I was afraid. If Mrs. Katz was, she never wavered.

At the end of my middle school tenure, Mrs. Katz, in her long skirt, dark-haired wig, and soft-spoken voice, looked at me and said, “Don’t forget who you are.”

I never saw her again, but I never forgot her words. I held them and heeded them. I am Jewish. The first of my trifecta.

Years later as womanhood replaced adolescence, I acquired the awareness to be mindful of my surroundings, learning to suppress my fear when men catcalled me as I walked by. I learned to look over my shoulder, cross the street when necessary, and hold my keys between my fingers as a potential weapon, hoping it wouldn’t be necessary.

As a mother, I taught my daughter to speak up when she isn’t comfortable and that no means no. I never imagined she would be tested as early as five years old when a boy asked her to lift her dress. She said no and told me about the incident. She was learning the challenge of being a woman before she was out of kindergarten.

By the time my daughter was preparing for her bat mitzvah, I was confronted with another challenge—my first same-sex attraction.

Having planted firm roots with my husband, our children, and our imagined future, I set out to figure out what it all meant—my life. Me.

I sought help; reaching out to my rabbi for therapy resources and traveling to Manhattan in search of a rabbi whom I knew to be both a woman and gay. My earliest supporters were Jewish women. As a guest at Shabbat services in a Manhattan temple that displayed the same American and Israeli flags as my family’s New Jersey suburbia temple, I was mesmerized by a third one housed in this synagogue—a rainbow flag. My attention shifted between the pride banner and the diversity among the congregations’ countless same-sex couples. The Siddur was the same as my temple—threads of familiarity woven into a new, intriguing quilt.

I wrestled with the question: What if I’m gay? What are the ramifications for my family? How do you transition from being one person for forty years to being “suddenly” different?

Imagining my children being confronted with their own life-altering dilemma, I wondered how I’d counsel them. Striving for my children to be proud of their many components—their heritage, their gender, and their sexuality, meant modeling authenticity–even when accompanied by heart-wrenching consequences. Understanding this eased the burden of crossing the threshold of my new sexual orientation. Ultimately, I wanted my kids to be proud of me.

Embracing my newly realized identity, I rode out the personal storm it unleashed. As the dust at home started to settle, a nationwide political storm was stirring, and with it, a rise in antisemitic rhetoric, a spotlight on misogyny accompanied by threats aimed at women’s autonomy, and an increase in violence against the LGBTQ community. My trifecta.

Am I screwed, as my patient Martin suggested? Time will tell, but meanwhile, I’ll heed Mrs. Katz’s words and remember who I am. I am a woman, Jewish, and gay.

You may also enjoy viewing our Gallery, The Kids: A Photographic Study of the Children of Gay Parents, by Gabriela Herman.

The post It’s Complicated: Being a Woman, Jewish, and Gay appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Unleash the culinary magic with your little chefs and create cherished memories that ignite their love for cooking

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Do you remember when you first stepped foot in the kitchen as a kid? The yummy smells, the sizzle of the food, and the excitement of making something yourself. Those moments were pure magic, and they can ignite a lifelong love for cooking. I want to dive into awesome cooking tips and tricks that’ll get your kids all fired up in the kitchen. So, grab your aprons, and let’s go on a super fun culinary adventure!

Tips for Getting Kids Excited About Cooking in the Kitchen

Start with Simple Recipes: Begin by choosing simple, easy recipes for kids to follow and understand. Opt for recipes with clear instructions and a manageable number of ingredients. This allows them to feel confident and successful in the kitchen from the start. As they gain experience and skills, you can gradually introduce more complex recipes that challenge their growing abilities.

Assign Age-Appropriate Tasks: Assigning tasks according to your child’s age and skill level is crucial for their engagement and safety. Younger children can help with tasks like washing fruits and vegetables, stirring ingredients, or arranging toppings. As they grow older, they can take on more responsibility, such as measuring ingredients, chopping vegetables (under supervision), or even managing some stovetop cooking. Adjusting the tasks to their capabilities ensures they feel involved and capable, fostering a sense of accomplishment.

Make it a Sensory Experience: Cooking is a multisensory adventure, and engaging your kids’ senses in the process can enhance their enjoyment and learning. Encourage them to touch, smell, and taste the ingredients. Let them describe the textures, flavours, and aromas they encounter. This sensory exploration adds a playful element and helps develop their sensory perception and culinary knowledge.

Family Day Baking Fun: Designate a special family day baking adventure to create cherished memories. This could be a weekend tradition or a monthly event where everyone comes together to bake delightful treats. Choose recipes that allow for creativity and personalization, such as cookies, cupcakes, or homemade pizza. Involve your kids in the recipe selection process, considering their preferences and interests. Encourage them to share their ideas and contribute to the baking process, promoting a sense of ownership and excitement.

Storytelling Recipe Time: Transform cooking into a storytelling adventure by creating recipes inspired by favourite books or movies. Encourage your kids to imagine and describe the flavours, colours, and textures associated with characters or settings from the story. This imaginative approach makes cooking a fun and immersive experience.

Themed Cooking Nights: Plan themed cooking nights based on cuisines worldwide. Let your kids pick a country or region and research traditional recipes together. Dress up in costumes, play music from that culture, and immerse yourselves in the culinary traditions of that particular place. It’s a wonderful way to explore new flavours and cultures while having a blast in the kitchen.

Mystery Ingredient Challenge: Turn cooking into a thrilling game by incorporating a mystery ingredient challenge. Let your kids blindly choose a secret ingredient from a basket and challenge them to incorporate it into a dish they’re making. This sparks their creativity and encourages them to think outside the box and try new flavours.

Kitchen Science Experiments: Introduce your kids to the wonders of kitchen science by conducting simple experiments during the cooking process. For example, show them how yeast makes bread rise or how heat transforms ingredients in baking. This hands-on learning experience combines cooking with science, making it both educational and exciting.

Get Creative with Food Presentation: Engage your kids’ imagination by making food presentations fun and appealing. Encourage them to decorate plates or arrange ingredients in creative ways. They can use cookie cutters to shape sandwiches or experiment with colourful garnishes. This enhances their artistic skills and makes mealtime more enjoyable and enticing, sparking their interest in exploring different flavours and textures.

Cooking Contests: Organize friendly cooking contests among family members or friends. Let your kids compete in creating their own unique dishes within a set time frame. Provide them with an ingredients pantry and watch their culinary creativity unfold. This friendly competition fuels their enthusiasm, encourages teamwork, and produces delicious and inventive meals.

So, parents, what are you waiting for? It’s time to unleash the culinary magic with your little chefs! With these creative tips, cooking becomes more than just a chore—it transforms into an engaging and adventurous experience that ignites their imagination and taste buds. By nurturing their creativity, exposing them to a world of flavours, and infusing the kitchen with playful elements, you’ll develop their culinary skills and cultivate a lifelong love for cooking. From mystery ingredient challenges to edible food art and themed cooking nights, each moment spent together in the kitchen becomes an opportunity to create beautiful memories that will be cherished for years to come.

You may also enjoy reading Interview: Vani Hari | The Truth About the Lies We’re Fed, by Kristen Noel

The post Cooking with Kids: Tips to Engage Your Children in the Art and Joy of Food appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

We may be familiar with the idea of karma on a personal level, but what about in the context of a larger community? What then becomes our objective?

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Karma is the eternal law of cause and effect. It teaches that for every action you take, there is an eventual and inescapable effect to that action. Karma is generated with every thought, word, act, and deed. It can reach into any aspect of life. You can have karma related to family, money, health, and relationships. Karma works on a collective level, too. Collective karma means a group of people sharing the same karma. There is the collective karma of race, of nations, and there is the collective karma of the world.

Collective karma is part of life because this is how we learn to work together in an organized and productive way. It’s people working together who produce civilizations with their various cultures and societies. All the great achievements of humanity are the result of cooperative efforts. Some of our brightest moments have occurred on a collective level and some of our darkest as well.

The laws of karma work the same way for groups as they do for individu­als. If a group initiates a destructive action, it will pay the price. If it generates a positive action, it will bear the fruit. The difference is the group is its own self-sustaining entity. Individuals add or subtract to the welfare of the organi­zation, but it is the group itself that bears the karmic mark. In other words, if a leader of a nation initiates an action that is detrimental to the country, the country as a whole will bear the burden of that leader’s actions.

A great irony of collective karma, especially when we speak of nations, is that the full effects are often felt generations later by people who had little or no connection to the people who started the karma to begin with!

This has caused confusion as to how God works out divine justice. On an individual level, if you create bad karma, it comes back to you, not to those around you. But if the government of a nation initiates a destructive act, the country will often not feel the karmic effects until later generations.

If there’s one thing that the laws of karma demonstrate, it is that there’s alwaysjustice, even in what too often appears to be an unjust world. There are many times when we are caught up in events that are beyond our control. Governments enact laws we must abide, even when we do not agree with them. Compa­nies make decisions that can make work life for employees difficult. Even with families, parents may make decisions that work against the welfare of their children, yet the children have little choice but to go along. In all these scenarios, how does karma work when the welfare of many people is involved?

Karma is a harmonizing law. It’s trying to keep life in balance. If something goes out of balance, the karmic condition is the opportunity to turn things right-side up.

So when faced with karma, you want to ask, “What is the lesson?”  

Before blaming others and society, first examine your motivations and discontents. Take responsibility for your successes and failures without blaming others. Once you understand your own motives, your search for truth becomes easier because you are more objective.

In dealing with collective karma, do your best to set a good example. Regard­less of what the group is doing, live up to the best of your own moral integ­rity. Be active in your community. The decisions that affect cultures and nations affect us all, and we have a part to play in that process. No one is insignificant or unimportant when it comes to collec­tive karma. There will be times when you will see inequities and injustice. Do what you can to rectify these situations, but don’t jump to conclusions. Do your best to understand the situation from different points of view. It’s too easy to get caught up in the passion of the moment. Understand that sometimes there are greater forces at work. If you can change things for the better, do so. If not, leave things in the hands of the Divine.

In contributing to positive collective karma, the ancient Athenian oath said it best:

Ultimately, karmic conditions are teachers to make us better as people and to make civilization better.

When karmic trials show up, it is more important than ever to hold strong to your highest ideals. Refuse to give into despair or discouragement. Remember that you are playing a part in the collective good. Your participation matters. You are already spiritually equipped to reach your potential and play your part in society. But you must exercise and develop that potential. Despite challenging times, civilization is progressing. There are brighter days ahead for us all and for our children.

You may also enjoy reading Emergence of a New World Order by Barbara Ann Briggs.

The post Collective Karma: What Is It and How Can We Work With It to Contribute to a Better World? appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes

Informed by war, heritage and her own family life, a mother reflects on her good fortune while respecting the lives that paved the way for her

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When my kids were young, I was always reminding them that they needed to put their “problems” in the proper perspective. What was I really telling them? I was saying that they needed to be more appreciative of their lives—and what they had—spiritually and materialistically. I usually said this when they were acting like spoiled children—for example, when my fourteen-year-old said that she needed new clothes after we’d just gone clothes shopping for her a month earlier.

When I was young, my dad was an expert at putting my life in the proper perspective for me. He shared stories of growing up during World War II in Germany and surviving the Holocaust. He spoke about how in his early teens he was sent to a concentration camp. He ate only food scraps and at nightfall collapsed on the only things there were to sleep on—wooden barracks with hundreds of other prisoners. He was grateful for his job in the kitchen peeling potatoes, because he always had food. Once he showed me the scar on his forehead inflicted upon him by Nazi soldiers when they found out he’d taken too much peel off the potatoes so he could toss it to his hungry friends in the barracks.

After the war he couldn’t stand the sight of red meat because it reminded him of all the dead bodies he’d seen. The mere sight of blood turned his stomach.

He shared how he watched his younger brother and mother being taken away on the death-camp trains and how he never got to say goodbye.

It dulled the grief when we named our son after his dead brother, but being separated from one’s parents at the age of fifteen results in a degree of pain that lasts a lifetime.

My mother-in-law had her own share of hair-raising stories to tell when she lived with a Swiss family while trying to hide from the Nazis so they wouldn’t kill her and her sister. While hiding in the family’s basement, they shared food and lived in constant fear for their lives. They didn’t see their parents for five years.

I’m now sixty-five, only six years younger than my father was when he died. My children left the nest a long time ago, and I’m now blessed to have four amazing grandchildren. During this last chapter of my life, I see how the mirror reveals my advancing years. In my younger days, it didn’t matter if I applied facial cream each morning. These days, if I skip just one day, my wrinkles appear like a vulture near a dead carcass. I remember the days when I ate all the Valentine’s Day and Halloween chocolate I desired, the scale never revealing my secret addiction. Today, there are no secrets, as my body’s metabolism has slowed down to a crawl.

The older I get, the more I look to the past for clarity and perspective.

One day in particular stands out. It was a rainy day, the perfect time for some spring-cleaning. I was going through our “catch all” closet and making piles of what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to discard. My first nurse’s uniform from forty years ago was put into a pile called “questionable: to be reviewed later.” Then I added Dad’s old figure skates, which he’d used to teach Paul Neuman to skate at Rockefeller Center in New York decades earlier.

The “giveaway” pile included such things as old party and wedding invitations, the kids’ first Halloween costumes, birth announcements, expired coupons, New Year’s Eve hats, and incomplete decks of playing cards. The “must-keep pile” was the most fascinating. It included baby pictures, school notebooks, kindergarten photos, Dad’s favorite clothes, stamp and coin collections, framed photographs with broken glass, awards won in tennis tournaments, autographed paraphernalia, and old posters.

This task certainly took me down memory lane. Occasionally I would stop and gaze at what I’d found, and an entire era would be illuminated by a piece of memorabilia. But there was a special treasure that I stumbled upon which, as a writer, made me stop and stare. Before my eyes were some cartons of papers that time had yellowed. They included old report cards, letters I wrote from camp, and important documents, many of which I’d thought were lost.

As I approached the bottom of the carton, there was a stack of about fifteen papers held together in a plastic sheath. I felt my eyes momentarily bulge as I realized the true value of the treasure I was about to reveal.

It was the journal I’d heard so much about, written by my grandmother after the turn of the century. I knew I had my day cut out for me as I read about a life that was so foreign yet so familiar, a life that threw the shadow of perspective immediately upon mine.

I’m sure the journal was typed on one of those manual, black, clunky-sounding Remington typewriters. The single-spaced document typed on loose-leaf paper had since turned light brown. White-out correction fluid was not yet on the market, so the pages were full of “strikeovers.” Grandma obviously didn’t care much about writing in paragraphs, as the twelve pages were written in one unbroken stream of consciousness.

Over the years I gathered bits and pieces of information about Grandma’s life and concluded that she’d had her share of misery, but I had no idea that reading her journal could make me so appreciative for my own life. The tears poured down my face as I realized the origin of my love for writing and how Grandma’s words flowed as smoothly as the tears from my eyes, eyes that have seen little misery in her lifetime. I continued to read, and after just a few lines, I ran to the bathroom adjacent to my study and grabbed a newly opened box of tissues.

Grandma had been born in Poland in the early 1900s. Her journal was a reflective piece about her earlier years. She began with her dad discussing one night during dinner how war had just been declared—Austria-Hungry against Russia.

The following morning she watched “swarms of soldiers marching” among the schoolchildren on the street in front of her house.

She wrote: “Just when we thought the soldiers were leaving, they walked in reverse [turned around and went back] and got aggressive. Horses were running without riders on their backs. Those [many] who had riders had no arms nor legs and blood pours out of their bodies. Their clothes were torn. They were hungry and ate anything in sight. They raided our refrigerators and on the streets we held out jars with water and they drank eagerly at times reaching out to get a drink that they had no time to swallow. My mother was frantic. She wanted to run with the army, but dad refused to leave.”

One day grandma roamed the streets and saw menacing-looking Cossacks dressed in long black coats and fur caps, with ammunition slung across their chests and swords in their hands. “I ran when I saw a young boy on the deserted street and the Cossacks were hacking him into small pieces. His mother ran to pick up the bloody pieces on her apron. My father finally decided it was time to leave and go to Poland as the fighting continued relentlessly.”

As they were preparing to leave, a severe cholera epidemic hit the small Polish town. “First only a whispering with single cases here and there and then we all went into a state of horrified stupor. The stores closed. There was no school. There was no visiting, no handshakes and no taking money from others. Some people had a little bag of camphor around their necks, which was thought to offer little protection against the disease.”

Grandma’s parents developed cholera. Finally, her mother died a slow and inevitable death. My grandmother witnessed her burial in a mass grave of thirty or more people. Some of the deceased had family and some did not. Mom’s entire family was quarantined. It was not long after that her father died, also of cholera and apparently with no warning. Grandma was left alone in the world with her eight-year-old sister. “I was only eleven years old and very scared,” she wrote. “My oldest brother left town to take a job in Vienna, and soon after my youngest brother followed him. The once full and lively house became empty and more than half the town’s population died.”

Grandma found solace in the daily ritual of going to school, as she said it was the only time she could be a child.

But although she received a lot of assistance and food from caring neighbors and the school, she never felt it was enough, nor could it compensate for the loss of her parents. With her sister, she decided to hitch a ride on the slow-moving train to Vienna to find her older brothers. Visiting their homes brought more horrible revelations to the girls’ young hearts. The brothers’ wives practically slammed the doors in their faces! They said they had enough trouble feeding the mouths of their own children. Finally, the two sisters were placed in a small orphanage. There, the heartache of wearing rags for clothes and not having enough food to support their growing bodies continued to haunt them. Grandma’s writing ended with her high school graduation and her struggle to get a job as a bank teller.

***

I was unable to process Grandma’s story in one sitting. She had so many feelings of loneliness, anger, and resentment. Her life was filled with turmoil and grief, and as I look around today, I’m amazed that outside of raising three amazing humans, my life is calm and predictable. There are no scary-looking soldiers marching down my street and no deadly epidemics to fend off. In fact, most of us are so lucky to have the lives we do, so we need to be more aware of the dire situations that others have gone through in order to place our lives in the proper perspective.

After reading Grandma’s story, I had a visceral sense that life was just utterly unfair.

I wondered why Grandma had endured so many hardships and why I had been so lucky my whole life, always surrounded by good people and experiences. I felt that so much injustice had occurred, and I was feeling sorry for a woman I hardly knew.

While reading, I took a break to make my family’s favorite dinner, pasta. After we sat down and had been eating for a few minutes, my daughter, who was fourteen at the time, looked up from her plate and asked, “Mom, why are you so quiet tonight?”

“Actually, I’ve been reading my grandmother Regina’s journal, and I’m still in shock. I really must share the stories with you guys.”

As usual, we gobbled down dinner, and the kids, in their nightly robotic fashion, cleared the table. The girls loaded the dishwasher, and my son went back to his favorite pastime—curling up on the blue corduroy sofa and watching television. Later, the girls joined him. I returned to the lush sofa chair in my study and continued reading Grandma’s story.

I must have had the concept of “perspective” on my mind because the following day there was another incident that triggered some powerful emotions.

My then–eight-year-old son, Joshua, joined the ranks. He finally decided that collecting beanie babies was the thing to do. Family trips were then geared around which stores sold these stuffed toys. My husband remarked in his usual wry tone, “You’re encouraging my son to collect these things while he should be collecting worms or stamps.”

Joshua’s collection grew, and anyone who visited our home, whether they wanted to or not, received a guided tour of his favorite friends. He was very conscientious about checking off his in his book which ones he owned and their apparent value. At one point, I realized the true value of those adorable, furry creatures. I served one of my gourmet casserole dinners when Joshua asked to be excused for a few seconds. He dashed out of the kitchen, across the dining room and living room, and headed for his bedroom. He returned to the kitchen with a huge shopping bag filled with beanies. He sat on the floor and looked up at all four of us sitting at the table just finishing dinner. “Wait, wait, don’t go anywhere,” he said, holding his hand out straight in our direction as if he were a traffic cop.

“I want to introduce you to my beanies, and then I will tell you their names. You betta pay attention because I will test you afterward,” he said. His two teenage sisters looked at him quizzically and then glanced back at me while rolling their eyes, obviously tired of his beanie-baby enthusiasm.

 “May we be excused?” they asked simultaneously.

“No,” my husband and I responded without the slightest hesitation.

“Hurry up,” Rachel said. “I have homework.”

“C’mon,” said Regine. “What’s taking you so long?”

Joshua proceeded to dump all his babies on the floor, and one by one he began reciting their names and then putting them back in the shopping bag.

“Slow down,” my husband requested, remembering that he would be “tested” and didn’t want to make a fool out of himself.

“OK, I’ll start over,” Joshua said.

In frustration, his older sister said, “No way. I can’t take this, Mom.” Joshua continued to plow through the names of his forty-odd beanie babies. He spared us all the little sayings on the red heart-shaped tags. We were lucky because he really loved talking, and especially loved making up stories. He methodically named each and every beanie baby, moving them from one pile to another. For the first time he was in control of his two older sisters. I never thought beanie babies could bridge the gap between siblings who bickered about everything. But, for however much money and time I spent supporting my son’s addiction, it was well worth the ten minutes of watching all three of my children giggling together for the first time in a long while. It was simply a case of “looking through this window” and “now looking through that one.”

Perspective is important to me. Knowing about my past gives me insight into the present and ideas about the future.

My grandfather once told me with conviction, “You watch, my dear, history will repeat itself. Mark my words.” Although he mentioned this in the context of the fashion industry (he was a style nut), we could see how it could apply to other aspects of our lives. Now that I’m the age he was when he spoke those words, I realize the truth in what he said.

You may also enjoy reading Feminism for the Ages: How My Great Grandmother Became a Character in my Novel, by Violet Snow.

The post Life Is Good: A Perspective on Gratitude appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

When a sudden, thunderous storm knocks out power, a concert is transformed into a spiritual experience

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The most extraordinary experiences are not necessarily orchestrated as such. Sometimes the Universe intervenes to transform a typical event into a transcendent one and we are left looking back, thinking Wow — I’m not quite sure what happened there, but it was amazing!

Recently, I had such an experience.

Jack DeJohnette, pictured above, for those who may not know of him, is a legend in the world of jazz. He’s one of the most brilliant and prolific artists of the genre. Lesser known outside of jazz circles, his name often in the shadows of the other legends he has performed with — Miles Davis, Bill Evans and John Coltrane among them — Jack is wildly accomplished as a pianist and drummer, with a tremendous range that stretches from standards to experimental and even New Age. He also lives in my town of Woodstock, NY and generously offered the community his talents on the piano during a solo performance to benefit the Byrdcliffe Guild.

From the moment I first spotted the concert posters in town, I knew I was going.

The evening was set in a rustic barn, the stage illuminated by strings of tiny lights to draw attention to the piano in the middle. The usual clatter of shifting folding chairs and murmuring guests gave way to passing breeze, a gentle rain — and then kapow! With a deafening crack of thunder and a sky lit brightly by lightning, an epic storm unleashed a torrent and fierce wind which quickly took out the power. Suddenly, all was black. So black, that you could not see the person sitting next to you. No piano, no weathered beams, no anything. I toyed with opening and shutting my eyes and could see no difference at all. These were no concert special effects.

And then, amidst the stillness of the room and the tapering pitter-patter of the rain, the piano came alive.

Jack felt his way to the stage, his fingers onto the keyboard, and he started to play. And the entire room knew that they were witnessing something sublime, something spiritual — a slice of grace. The music was lush and diverse, transitioning from peaceful to arresting, foreign to familiar. But for me, the experience expanded far beyond the exceptional performance.

My late father was a jazz musician. He earned his way through college playing trombone and piano, and then set his passion aside to fall in line, working at the family business, a machine tool shop started by his grandfather and later assumed by his father. Yet, he didn’t completely closet his first love. Our home was filled with music, day and night. Every few months, it would be my chore to organize and put away the hundreds of vinyl albums that had piled up on the floor beside the stereo. And every so often, usually around the holidays, my father would sit me down with him at the piano and teach me the hauntingly lush chords of John Mehegan, who authored a series training books entitled Jazz Improvisation. I loved the sound of those chords, and they comprise my (very) limited go-to repertoire today, if ever I find my self at a piano.

So, as I’m listening to Jack DeJohnette in that dark barn, with seemingly no one around me and no source of the piano I’m hearing, in fact no distractions of any kind at all, I hear my father. He comes and sits next to me — not really in a chair so much as floating a few feet above, but close enough to touch my shoulder. And without speaking, we begin to talk. About music. Dreams. Family pains and immeasurable joys. This was a conversation I didn’t know I needed — but of course I did. I heard things I needed to hear just then, and realigned my purpose and passion in this life. I gained perspective on elements of my past, and equally on my dreams for the future. Our discourse seemed to go on without a beginning or an end, devoid of any sense of the passing of time.

And then I heard applause…the music had ended with artistic precision, my father effortlessly disappeared, and I rose to join the now-standing ovation. As I looked around, I could still see nothing, although a few people began to shine their iPhones toward the stage to shed some light on Jack, who was now standing and laughing — I believe that he, too, was transformed by the show, Mother Nature and all.

Mentally, I reentered this space and these people with a profound shift, as if my spirit had been altered, elevated, enriched. Indeed, it had. It made me think about the distractions in our lives and how they can create a kind of cloak around our awareness.

When we can eliminate distractions, we open ourselves up to receive energy on different levels.

And if we can tune into those quieter frequencies, which I believe are around us all the time — we just don’t hear them — then we can connect with deeper voices. These may be from others, or often, that voice is our own, our intuition.  And we can communicate with others on this same frequency, through prayer, telepathy or whatever name you’d like to call it — a frequency that transcends time and space.

If this sounds a bit woo-woo, know that this energetic channel is more real than our physical communication, which is often laden with bias, untruths, social or political correctness, etc. The problem is, you have to be willing to receive communication with the same tools you use to send it. You can’t send out an energy-gram and expect the reply to come in a text or phone call (although it could). But if you truly listen, you can feel the response — you simply need to develop an openness and awareness of these feelings, and trust in them. Meditation and silent walks or moments in nature are often the most effective ‘environments’ for such communication, as they are free of the louder frequency distractions of our lives.

One of the greatest paths of discovery for me of the last several years is understanding and tapping into this sixth sense (and I’m at the mere tip of the iceberg). It is available and accessible to all of us, and its only limitation is the degree to which we actually believe in its power, or even its existence. The experience of this concert performance provided a reminder to me of how real this all is — and how much more work I have to do to become one with this path of consciousness. But the joy is in the journey — as you start to tap into the power of this energy field, it is truly fun to experience the results. And who doesn’t want more fun and a sense of deeper connection in their lives?

You may also enjoy reading Jazz & Spirituality: The Mindful Music of Jazz DeJohnette, by Peter Occhiogrosso.

The post In the Dark: An Unexpectedly Spiritual Evening of Jazz with Jack DeJohnette appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Putting your kids first is a selfless act of love, but honoring your own needs and self-care is also in their best interests

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I’ve heard it so many times: “good parents put their children first.” And, if you had asked me ten or fifteen years ago, I would have said I absolutely agree.

But here’s the thing. Since becoming a mother, I’ve learned that being a good parent requires happiness, contentedness, and a whole lot of self-care. Yes, putting our kids first is a selfless act of love that shows just how committed we are to giving them everything we think they deserve. But there’s no excuse for thinking that being a good parent means neglecting our own needs and wellbeing.

In truth, what I’ve learned is that our kids need us to be happy and healthy — in short, our best selves. 

So, if you’re ready to get started with being kind to yourself, here’s how I implemented this approach in my life and how you could do it too.

The Art of Self-Compassion

As parents, we’re often too hard on ourselves. And not just when it comes to parenting but everything else as well. When we fail to meet some set of arbitrary standards (that we made up based on our ludicrous idea of what parenting should look like), the results always consist of two elements: stress and self-doubt. And the thing is that when we’re overburdened, overworked, and lacking self-confidence, the first thing that suffers is our relationship with those we love — including our children.

So what can we do in these situations? The best way to overcome these obstacles is to show ourselves some self-compassion.

When we make a mistake or encounter difficulty, the best way to treat ourselves isn’t to be harsh or critical. Instead, we should attempt to treat ourselves like we would a friend going through a similar situation — with sympathy, patience, understanding, and encouragement. (And when our kids do something wrong — which is bound to happen sooner rather than later — it’s a good idea to employ the same kind of approach.)

You’re Only Human

Another thing that I have to constantly remind myself of is that I’m not a superhero.

Yes, my children may look at me like I am. And it’s easy to get carried away and expect ourselves to exhibit superpower-like capability and resilience. But let’s not kid ourselves – most of us are only human.

So if, like me, you need a bit of help being kind to yourself, start with being realistic. Especially when it comes to managing your responsibilities.

It’s okay if you can’t manage to prepare a homemade meal because you were too exhausted or had other things to do. Accept that you don’t always have to be in a good mood for your kids. And you certainly shouldn’t try to constantly juggle hundreds of things — after all, science shows multitasking doesn’t work. And most importantly, remember that trying to do any of these things will only make you exhausted and unfocused.

Ultimately, our children need more than distracted, stressed-out parents. They need us to be present, fresh and happy.

Keep Stress at Bay

Parenting stress is real. And the fact is, stressed-out parents lose their patience quickly. But, as always, losing your patience with the little ones isn’t the worst thing that can happen when you stop taking good care of yourself. 

Prolonged stress exposure comes with a host of consequences. In addition to harming your physical and emotional wellbeing, it can also damage your relationship with your children.

After all, think about how you feel when you see your kids struggle. Most likely, you’re anxious, irritable, and at a loss for what to do. But the pendulum swings both ways. Children who continuously witness their parents in a distraught emotional state often experience stress themselves.

Fortunately, stress management is a habit that all of us can implement in our lives (and benefit from).

For starters, to keep stress at bay, limit your exposure to negative media, thoughts and people. Do your best to focus on the good things. Prioritize restful sleep in a comfortable environment, and enjoy some much-needed cuddling time. And don’t forget to talk about your feelings with someone.

Furthermore, work together with your children to relieve stress they may experience in school and other worries they could have. In the end, stress management is something we learn from our family and peers. So, by helping your kids become better at it, you’re automatically setting them up for a healthier and happier adulthood. 

Employ Relaxation Techniques

Relaxing in a stressful environment is never easy. Especially when dealing with a toddler with frequent tantrums or a teenager in their rebellious phase.

Still, we must do what we can. 

For me, what has worked are breathing exercises (these can be particularly helpful in extremely stressful situations, during anxiety attacks, etc.), stretching, yoga, and guided imagery exercises. (And the occasional lavender-scented bubble bath with a glass of pinot grigio!)

Health Comes First

Another thing we stressed-out parents have to remember is that health comes first.

We pour so much of our energy into making sure the kids are healthy. Our reasoning and instinct tell us to do so. But, if we want to take care of our families, we need to be healthy as well.

This includes opting for a balanced diet, getting rid of bad habits (like late-night snacking on sugary treats or vaping), and being physically active.

Get Some ‘Me’ Time

Getting rest is not just about having a good night’s sleep or going on a (kids-free) mini vacation. Spending some time alone or with an adult who doesn’t cover the floor with dangerous Legos can be just as beneficial for allowing you to de-stress.

And remember, leaving the kids behind from time to time doesn’t mean you are selfish. It means that you are a human being who needs to recover and charge your batteries.

So do your best to find some time for yourself. Me, I like to read a book, watch my favorite TV show, go to the movies, or catch up with some old friends. But I also have friends who wake up at 5 am to get some quiet time and do yoga. So you do you, and remember, prioritizing yourself isn’t a parenting sin. On the contrary, it’s a requirement if you want to start being kind to yourself.

Ask for Help

Finally, as we collectively embark on our journeys to becoming better parents by taking good care of ourselves, it’s worth reminding yourself that we’re just humans. And the truth about humans is that they’re social beings. Our community is built upon helping each other out.

So don’t feel ashamed if you need to ask for help. Be it from your family members, partner, friends, or a therapist. In the end, help can come in many forms — a deep conversation, a bit of cheering up, or just someone keeping an eye on the kids and picking up after their usual “anarchy in the living room” play.

Final Thoughts

If you’re still not convinced that being a good parent starts with being kind to yourself (or you just need reminding from time to time, like I do), think of the prescribed in-flight emergency response procedures on airplanes. They always end the oxygen mask presentation by saying that you are traveling with a child, you have to secure your mask first and then assist your kid. 

In other words, we can’t help our children if we can’t breathe.  So don’t hesitate to prioritize your wellbeing. Yes, it may seem selfish from time to time. But rest assured, it’s anything but.

You may also enjoy reading 4 Critical Practices for Parents of Children Navigating Divorce, by Brandi-Ann Uyemura.

The post Being a Good Parent Starts with Being Kind to Yourself appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

The trend toward wild and abundant native plantings and nature-based architectural features goes beyond aesthetics—it feeds the soul

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In February last year, US investment company, Kennedy Wilson, bought a commercial building in Edinburgh, Scotland, outbidding myriad investors because of the building’s current and potential green credentials. The sale is a sign of the ‘greenification’ of commercial real estate. The trend goes beyond buying, designing, and renovating green-certified buildings. It extends to aesthetics, with customer-based commercial businesses keen to tap into the new importance that people are giving to nature. Below are just a few ways in which commercial premises can create greener, more calming surroundings for clients on the go; they apply equally to residential homes as well.

Embracing Native Plants

When designing gardens and small green areas for commercial premises, design doesn’t have to be excessively costly or fancy. A small budget can be maximized by combining simple hardscaping features like paths and walkways with native plants and grasses. A carefully manicured (and high maintenance) aesthetic is thankfully a thing of a bygone era. The biophilic design trend has revealed that the zeitgeist is all about wild, lovely, native plants and shrubs of all heights; those that can also serve as a home to small wildlife and restore the original look of neighborhoods and urban green areas. Local grasses, flowers, and shrubs can all work together to create an oasis that truly invites calm and relaxation.

Going Wild at Home

Homes with yards can emulate this trend in a similar way, choosing native over imported species for their home gardens. Many homeowners are doing so in an effort to save bees, since some 40 percent of invertebrate pollinator species are facing extinction and eight bee specie are officially endangered. When various homes grow wild gardens that are perfectly adapted to the ecosystem, bees and other helpful insects and wild animals can have a home, without overtaking yards. WandaVision star, Elizabeth Olson, is just one of many celebrities who have decided to embrace a wild-looking landscape that seems to have more in common with a multi-height permaculture yard than it does with a traditional cultivated garden. One of her passions, for instance, is lavender and hers are tall—about 24 inches in height, to be exact.

Harnessing the Benefits of Fragrance

Aromatic gardens appeal at a time in which stress is high, ‘nesting’ is popular and the senses crave a little pampering. Numerous studies have shown that aromatherapy—be it a bath that improves memory, a compound that wards off nausea, or an essential oil that energizes—can soothe and heal the human mind and spirit. Studies have shown that the essential oils extracted from specific plants like clary sage, chamomile, and lavender, can all help reduce the effects of stress. Commercial and residential premises with outdoor resting spaces or green roofs can therefore benefit by growing aromatic plants alongside grass, flowers, and shrubs. Herbs like rosemary and thyme are easy to grow and replace, and require minimal water usage, which makes them good choices when it comes to outdoor aromatherapy.

Fragrant Plants for the Home

When it comes to indoor home flora, a big trend involves growing fragrant indoor plants and trees like potted citrus trees, orange jasmine, hoya, lavender, gardenia, and even sweet laurel. Indoor citrus trees have the added visual appeal that fruits such as vivid oranges can bring. Homeowners can add to the magic by diffusing similarly hued essential oils (such as orange, mandarin, or bergamot essential oils) in the areas where these trees are growing. They can also opt for essential oil-infused candles containing identical or even complementary scents.

Transforming Structures into Living Walls

‘Bringing green into the gray’ can easily be achieved with exterior living walls, which can turn normal, cold buildings into vibrant, buzzing ones. This feature can already be seen in myriad buildings across the globe. For instance, The Avenue Centre building in Bournemouth, UK, now bears an exterior living wall that bursts to life with lush vines. In the lively corner between Aboukir St. and Petits Carreaux St. in Paris, a stunning living wall created by botanist, Patrick Blank, delights passers-by with its array of colors and diagonal patterns. Living walls don’t have to take up an entire facade. They can simply cover a small space divider or a statement wall in one part of a building’s exterior.

Green Walls in the Home

In this day and age of remote work, green walls are an ideal way to compartmentalize common spaces in doors—something that is necessary, for instance, if you are working from home and wish to design a flexible work space. There are many ways that you can create a chic and cheerful green wall at home. Start with wood pallets and place small potted succulents into each cap in the wood. You can also use these pallets to grow fragrant herbs such as basil and rosemary, which can make wonderful additions to your meals. If you like, you can fill an existing wall with plants like ferns, purple waffle plant, succulents of all hues, pothos, crotons, and hosta.

It is a good idea to enlist the help of a landscaper, since you can use various plants to create elaborate designs. Moreover, a landscaper will be able to provide helpful advice regarding how many plants you need, the maintenance required, and how long your wall will take to thrive to its fullest volume.

Green zones can add artistry and appeal to virtually any structure. From shops to office buildings and nature-filled homes, many designs are revealing the modern penchant for connecting human beings to the environment through landscaping.

You may also enjoy reading Sustainability & Purpose: Living in Concert with Our Ecology and Humanity, an interview with Leif Skogberg by Bill Miles.

The post Borrowing from Commercial Architecture to Bring More Nature into Your Home Design appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

Living as separate from one another, separate from nature, will end humanity; it is through love and harmony with our planet that we will thrive

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Gravity and love are two aspects of a single reality. They are the organizing principles of our precious planet and our amazing universe. Gravity holds dominion over the physical, our outer world. Love holds dominion over the metaphysical, our inner world. Gravity sustains our material existence, while love nourishes our spiritual existence. Gravity is to the body what love is to the heart, soul, and consciousness. Gravity relates to what can be measured, while love relates to what can be imagined. Gravity sustains matter; love gives it meaning. In the end, everything is held together by love.

Love is difficult to define but each of us has a sense, deep in our hearts, what it means. For me, love is the source of all positive and creative relationships. Love provides a solid foundation for family, friendship, fellowship, community, and camaraderie. Love gives birth to compassion, kindness, caring, courtesy, and cooperation. Out of love grows humanity, humility, hospitality, and harmony.

A lack of love leads to war, conflict, competition, exploitation, domination, and subjugation of people and of Nature. Militarism, the arms race, insecurity, and rivalry of all kinds arise wherever there is no love. When there is no love, then there is poverty, inequality, injustice, racial segregation, and caste or class discrimination. The dark clouds of narrow nationalism, wretched racism, and demeaning sexism are all dispelled by the light of love.

In love, we find the end of separation and isolation. In love, there is the beginning of connection and communication. Love creates union and communion.

I have found that whatever the problem, love is the only solution. Whatever the question, love is the perfect answer. The pathologies of pride, greed, anger, and fear can be treated with the healing power of love. Love is the medicine for an excess of ego and anxiety, for the disease of depression and despair. Life without love is like a well without the water, a body without the soul, or words without meaning. The true purpose of life is to love. When I exist in love, I move from greed to gratitude, from ownership to relationship, from glamour to grace, and from attachment to engagement.

I have personally been blessed and graced with unconditional, unlimited love from countless people throughout my life. All parts of my body, mind, and spirit have been nurtured by this abundance of love. My beloved life companion, June, has been a fountain of love these past fifty years. We met in the crypt of St. Martin-in-the-Fields in Trafalgar Square in London, in 1971. I fell in love at the very first sight. I was on a short visit to Europe with a return ticket in my bag. After meeting June, I canceled the ticket, gave up my life in India, and settled with June in London. We read poetry together, edited together, gardened together, cooked together, and walked together. Together with June, love in my life became a living reality.

All great teachers and social reformers from ancient times to our own age have one common theme, the theme of love. From the Buddha to Jesus Christ, from Mahavira to Mohammed, from Lao Tzu to the Dalai Lama, from Mother Theresa to Martin Luther King, from Mahatma Gandhi to Nelson Mandela, and from Joan Baez to John Lennon, they all have encapsulated their teachings in one word: Love.

Love is more than a religious or a spiritual ideal. Love is a source of nourishment to the human imagination.

Great poets and painters have always been inspired by the common narrative that is love. Shakespeare explored his passion in 154 sonnets, not to mention the countless ways he articulated the enduring power of love in his plays. From Tolstoy to Tagore, from Goethe to Goya, from Pushkin to Picasso, from Blake to Botticelli, from Rumi to Ruskin, the list of writers, poets, and artists who have been inspired and fueled by love is endless. Be it love of nature, love of a humanity, or love of God, love itself is the seed out of which the trees of literature and art have grown. It is love that feeds us at the best of times and the worst of times. And humanity is facing a time in which our very existence is under threat, a time in which love can make all the difference.

The year 2020 will be remembered as the year of COVID-19 — the year of social distancing, lockdowns, and staying indoors even when the sun was shining, the flowers were flourishing, and the birds were singing their sweet songs. I took that time of quarantine, or self-isolation, as a blessing: a time for spiritual retreat and for reflection. I read Rumi and Ha.z. I read Shakespeare’s sonnets. I read Rabindranath Tagore. I meditated upon the word quarantine, and its association with Lent. I learned that, originally, quarantine referred to the period of forty days Jesus Christ spent fasting in the desert.

Despite the opportunity for quiet reflection, I was overwhelmed to see so much suffering in the world, engulfed in an unprecedented crisis. In 2020 I was eighty-three years old, and I had never experienced such a drastic and dreadful situation in my entire life. Being in this crisis was worse than being in a state of war, which I have experienced. Wars are initiated by humans and can be controlled or ended by humans. But COVID-19 was a show of Nature’s power, far beyond human control. Many people believe that through science and technology we can conquer Nature. But through a novel coronavirus, Nature has made abundantly clear that any talk of humans conquering her is sheer human arrogance. COVID-19 reminded us in no uncertain terms about the reality of human vulnerability.

Human desire to conquer Nature comes from the belief that humans are separate from Nature, that, in fact, we enjoy a superior power.

This dualistic thinking is at the root of our inability to deal with many of the natural upheavals we face currently, such as forest fires, floods, global warming, and pandemics. We seem to believe that one way or the other we will find technological solutions to subjugate Nature and make her subservient. Rather than looking at the root causes of the virus, governments, industrialists, and scientists have taken refuge in looking for vaccines to avoid the disease. However, we need to think and act intelligently, and with greater wisdom. Rather than simply vaccinating to lessen the symptoms, we need to address the causes of the disease.

If we were to address the causes of COVID-19, rather than simply the symptoms, we would need to return to ecologically regenerative agriculture; to human-scale, local, low-carbon, and organic methods of farming. Food is not a commodity. Farming should not be motivated by financial profits. The purpose of farming is to feed people with healthy food. The end goal of agriculture is to produce nutritious food without depleting the health of the soil. Farming for profit directly or indirectly causes coronavirus!

To address the causes of COVID-19, we need to learn to live in harmony with Nature and within the laws of Nature.

Humans are as much a part of Nature as any other form of life. Therefore, living in harmony with Nature is the urgent imperative of our time and the very first lesson humans, collectively, need to learn from the COVID-19 crisis.

The second lesson is that all human actions have consequences. In the past hundred years, human activities have caused both diminishing biodiversity and increasing greenhouse gas emissions, producing climate change. Due to human activities the oceans are polluted by plastic, the soil is poisoned with artificial chemicals, and the rainforests are disappearing at an unprecedented speed. All these negative human activities are bound to result in disastrous consequences, such as floods, forest fires, and pandemics. Modern civilization has inflicted untold suffering and damage in Nature. Now we are harvesting the consequences. We must change. We must move on to build a new paradigm. To restore health to the people, we must restore health to our precious planet Earth. Healing people and healing Nature is one and the same.

With COVID-19, Nature sent us a strong message. We need to do everything we can to heal the Earth. Only positive actions will bring positive outcomes; this is the law of Karma. The trinity of Market, Money, and Materialism has ruled the modern mind for far too long. Now is the time to slow down and, with humility, listen to the voice of Nature, the voice of the Earth.

We need to replace this old trinity with a new one: the trinity of Soil, Soul, and Society. We need to welcome an Age of Ecology, an ecology of love.

Humanity needs to respond to this crisis positively and use it as an opportunity to redesign our agricultural, economic, and political systems, and our way of life. We need to learn to respect the place of wilderness. We need to learn to celebrate the abundant beauty and diversity of life. We need to realize that humans are an integral part of Nature. That what we do to Nature we do to ourselves. We are all interconnected and interrelated. We depend on each other. We are members of one Earth community and one Earthly family.

If this worldview becomes an integral part of our collective consciousness, and our love for the Earth becomes an organizing principle of mainstream society, then we will have different priorities and different values. Instead of economic growth at all costs, we will pursue the growth in the wellbeing of people and health of our planet. Poet and novelist Ben Okri wrote that “the real tragedy would be if we came through this pandemic without changing for the better. It would be as if all those deaths, all that suffering would mean nothing.”

I am aware of the obstacles. There are corporations and companies, governments and businesses who have vested interests in the status quo. Social and environmental activists have been working for many years, warning of impending crises, but it seems too often as if no one is listening.

For more than forty years I edited Resurgence & Ecologist, a British bimonthly magazine covering environmental issues, engaged activism, philosophy, arts, and ethical living. The message of Resurgence is to love: love yourself, love people, love planet, love nature. Its articles are underpinned by the spirit of love, urging social and environmental activists to shed their fear of doom and gloom and, instead, to act out of love. Act to uphold beauty and integrity.

Activism is a journey and not a destination. Love is an expression of our spirituality, our imagination, and our way of life. But love is also a practical and ecological imperative. My friend Deepak Chopra once said to me that the environment and nature are our extended bodies. The air is our breath, and the rivers and waters our circulation; if we don’t pay attention to our ecological self then we risk extinction. So it follows, apart from anything else, that love of our natural environment is a survival imperative.

[Special excerpt adapted from Radical Love, by Satish Kumar, Parallax Press 2023.]

You may also enjoy reading Emergence of a New World Order, by Barbara Ann Briggs.

The post Radical Love: Rethinking Our Relationship to Nature and Each Other appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

The crisis of homelessness is a crisis of the heart, our individual and collective heart — and the solution lies there as well

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We are in the midst of a massive crisis of homelessness. There are countless numbers of refugees roaming all over the earth, homeless, destitute and in need of food, clothing and shelter. This pitiable situation has been caused by wars, terrorism, governmental failures, famines and lack of social cohesion.

What is the solution?

The solution is contained in this one ancient aphorism from the Manu Smritis:

“The world is my family.”

If only people could emerge from the imprisoning mindset of “me and mine”, the problem of homelessness could be eradicated. There are enough millionaires in the world who could contribute to building shelters for the homeless. New York, a city of billionaires, is facing a humanitarian crisis because so many migrants are sleeping in the streets.

I remember when I was studying at New York University in Greenwich Village in Manhattan. One morning on my way to class, I saw a man lying stretched out on the ground in Washington Square Park. He looked like he was dead! People were just passing by without even glancing at him. I felt like I was going to faint. I just couldn’t bear the pain I felt when I saw this man on the street. I had to hold onto the gate to steady myself.

Yet many years later, even today, many more are in the same situation in so many countries in the world. People are seeing without eyes. Hearing, but without ears. Feeling, but without the heart. When there is real love, one doesn’t even feel one is giving. The heart just overflows with love. This is the quality so needed in today’s conflict-ridden world.

We must awaken to the reality that if anyone is suffering, I am also suffering because suffering anywhere effects all of us. No one exists in isolation. Each person is a part of the whole. The ache in a finger affects the entire body. A war in Ukraine affects the entire world. A refugee in agony in a filthy room sends shivers through the entire fabric of humanity. We are responsible in an indirect way.

The only way to end this deplorable situation is to open our hearts to love.

Love is the most powerful force in the universe. It can conquer hate, violence, distrust, fear and every emotion which is detrimental to life. It can shatter all illusions. Open wide the prism windows of your soul and breathe the fresh morning winds that stir a renewal of life into all living beings. Be awake to everything around you. Let the light of your inner being guide you to actions which can heal the earth. Plant seeds of compassion in the garden, plant roses of joy and tulips of caring and saplings of peace. The earth is our common home. It is given to us to share, care and nurture. It is our common inheritance.

These verses from The Great Provider encapsulates this idea:

“The sun shines for others,

The trees bear fruit for others,

The rivers flow for the good of others,

The cows yield milk for others.

Human birth is likewise meant

For doing good to others.

We have a most important

And compelling work to do…”

This poem by Emily Dickenson also echoes these sentiments:

“If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.”

May our work to solve the crisis of homelessness be completed soon.

May all beings live in harmony and peace.

May no one suffer.

May all enjoy health, happiness and fulfillment together.

You may also enjoy reading The Giving Keys: Employing the Homeless, Paying Inspiration Forward, by Kristen Noel

The post The Crisis of Homelessness and a Call for Love appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Embracing diversity as distinct beings or cultures is not enough; living into our unity, our oneness, our common love is the basis of True Diversity

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For humanity to live a life of duality, a life of my way versus your way, of my nation versus yours, is a crime against our nature. We have deluded ourselves into believing that embracing diversity regards embracing differing religions and nations and tribes. But how can we embrace what was created by a divisive mind-matrix?

True diversity is about the beautiful and diverse tones on the spectrum of skin color, the shades of eye color, hair color, the infinite possibilities of personality and character and frame. True diversity is about including all the various sexual orientations and creative expressions of each individual on this planet. True diversity is the coexistence of all that was, is and will be. 

True diversity is the waltz of man and woman, male, female, and manifestations outside the boundaries of the gender binary, and everyone in between. True diversity is biology and transformation, identification and detachment. True diversity revolves around acceptance of the divinity and sanctity and right of each manifestation to dance in this paradigm and to resound throughout the galaxies, throughout the universe. It has nothing to do with belief or citizenship. And this is why we can never truly “embrace” diversity, this is why we exclude others, this is why we cannot fathom unity. Our definition of unity has made us unable to unify. 

The more we divide ourselves into ideological groups, and the more we align ourselves with others based on citizenship, the more we polarize ourselves and others.

Free souls liberate themselves from the chains of separation. A free soul is a transcendent non-conformist who wakes up from the hypnosis of culture and belief and dances to the pulse of all that is. The rest of us have been and continue to be profoundly conditioned to believe that our ideologies are noble, that our flags represent us, and that our societies have a duty to mould us. We attach ourselves to fear and otherness and try to imprison others alongside us. But all these self-inflicted labels only serve to perpetuate the very separation we try, but fail, to dissolve. 

The “past” and the “present” do not lie. All we need to do is look closely (and with divine courage) at what has been manifested because of our notion of separation: war, discrimination, prejudice, superiority, refugees, exploitation, gender disparity, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, religious phobias, borders of exclusivity, superiority and inferiority, and on and on.

Once we free ourselves from the matrix of us vs. them, we will finally be able to bid adieu to all the ideologies and cages which obfuscate the way of love and the way of true diversity and genuine acceptance.

We cannot force ourselves to accept others when we are taught to fear the other. And we cannot afford to continue to teach one another that divine love is conditional on what we say, what we do, what we wear or don’t wear, how we pray, who we pray to, whether we pray at all, what we read or don’t read and who we follow or reject. True diversity is not about clothing or mantras or books or holy lands or guides or sacred pilgrimages or rites. It is about the shared essence, the shared freedom of expression, the underlying creativity that glimmers in our hearts. It is about recognizing the omnipresence of holiness in all territories and in the terrain of our cores. 

You and I are one. Even though we cannot experience this oneness in the midst of all the shackles of separation and dogmas and nationalism, one thing we can all agree upon is that we come from the same source.

Life is brimming with life. We share the same essence as the stars. We all inhabit the universe. We all have a right to be here. We are the brethren of lions, gazelles, galaxies, oceans, forests and savannahs. We are all manifestations of a mysterious reality, all part of a sacred origin that can never be confined to a book or to a path or to a ritual or to an ideology or to a country or continent. It is beyond the occident and the orient, far and near, north and south. It is vaster than vastness itself, more expansive than the expanse. Our oneness, and the mystery which we are all a part of, is all that matters. 

This truth we share, this truth—unrevealed and revealed, hidden and manifested—accepts everything and everybody, excludes nothing and nobody.

And yet, we continue to reject, ostracize, restrict and punish the free souls who understand that what is undefined can never be defined, what is infinite can never be finite. Or, perhaps worse, we turn them into icons and gurus and neglect our inner guidance, the guidance that is in each of us. We turn them into saviors and package them into even more ideologies, commercial and pseudo-spiritual. 

But when we bask in the unknowing, when we are in touch with what the world presents to each of us individually for our own individual evolution, when we recognize the unified field in each of us, true diversity can finally be understood, and loved. Loved with a capital, an ever-expanding L, which has no borders and no conditions. We can finally see an end to war, crime, and all the games we play to keep us trapped in polarity.

That very moment, nay that very millisecond, when we realize that we have duped ourselves into believing that diversity is born of assimilation rather than our holy individuality, we can break free and live in love.  As of now, when we speak of diversity, may we ensure it has nothing to do with borders and beliefs and books, but everything to do with the magic of our natural differences, physical and innate. True diversity is a manifestation of the expansiveness of the Divine Reality, and it cannot live in the matrix of the divisive mind. 

You may also enjoy reading It Takes a Village: A Look at Parental Community from Africa to Your Home, by Judy Marano.

The post True Diversity vs. Embracing Diversity appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Volunteering while traveling is a great way to travel on a budget, give back to local communities and make a positive impact as you explore

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Whether you’ve just finished college or you’re taking a career break, traveling is on nearly everyone’s bucket list. Who doesn’t want to see the world, experience new cultures, and learn more about themselves along the way?

Of course, it can also be very expensive…so, how do you travel on a limited budget? One popular way is to volunteer your way across the globe.

Volunteering while traveling is a great way to give back to local communities and make a positive impact as you explore. But it can be hard to know where to begin when it comes to volunteering abroad.

In this complete volunteer travel guide, we’ll show you how to travel and volunteer responsibly and the best organizations to get started with.

Is Volunteering Right for You?

Although volunteering is an incredibly rewarding experience, it’s also hard work. Before looking for projects to sign up for, consider if you have the following traits that would make you the best volunteer.

Reliability

Organizations plan each volunteer program based on the number of global volunteers that sign up. The volunteer project might be caught short or even canceled if you aren’t reliable. It can be a little tougher to plan a reliable schedule when you’re traveling while volunteering, so make sure you have the time to give before signing up.

Interpersonal skills

You’ll meet a lot of new people while volunteering from all over the world, so having great people skills will help you form friendships much quicker. Remember, everyone is in the same boat as you are, and everyone wants to make friends while volunteering abroad.

Willingness to learn

Whether you have volunteer experience or not, there is always something new to learn and additional training. You’ll need to be open to new ideas and processes, pick up skills quickly and be willing to improve as you go.

Problem Solving

There will be times when you have to think on your feet and solve problems on the fly. You need to be up for a challenge and willing to solve issues on your own. You’ll always have your team to fall back on, but problem-solving is an important skill to work on as you volunteer.

How to Travel Through Volunteer Work Responsibly

Unfortunately, there are a lot of scams out there that masquerade as a volunteer opportunity, so it’s important to make sure the organization you’re working with is legit.

Here’s how you can travel through volunteer work responsibly and give back to local communities.

1.    Research the organization and project

No matter how professional an organization looks, always do extensive research before you sign up. Here are some things you should know:

• The cost of signing up
• The nature of the project
• The impact of the work done up until now
• The ethical procedures of the organization
• Who the beneficiaries of the project are
• Where you’ll be staying
• Past projects and testimonials from other volunteers
• Travel information

It’s normal for volunteers to pay to take part in a project, and the money usually covers your transportation, accommodation and food. But make sure there aren’t any hidden fees that will pop up while you’re working.

2.    Don’t get confused by service learning projects

Volunteering abroad is different from service learning, and it’s important to know the difference. Service learning projects have agendas and research aims and are usually funded by the government or agencies.

You’ll often be tasked with a service learning project as part of an academic degree or job role, and you’ll usually get a grant.

On the other hand, volunteering abroad typically sets out to aid local communities and achieve specific goals for welfare projects. There are private volunteer opportunities as well, such as on working farms.

When you’re researching projects, don’t get confused with service learning roles on offer.

3.    Have the right mindset

Many people use volunteering as a means of affordable travel, but it’s crucial to also use the role as an opportunity to learn about new cultures and be of service to others.

For example, if you’re volunteering in developing countries, don’t judge the people you meet as somehow inferior or in need of being saved — you are there to help them move past challenges often caused by failures in governments and to improve their quality of life.

4.    Take action after learning

As well as personal development and learning, it’s important to actually take action. After all, any volunteer work aims to better communities, so do all you can to take action after you’ve learned, observed, and immersed yourself in the culture.

5.    Live like a local

One of the key components (and joys) of being a responsible volunteer is living like a local. This helps positively impact the local community and boost micro-economies. Luckily, this is easy to do on a volunteer placement:

• Shop locally
• Eat locally sourced foods wherever possible
• Spend time in local markets
• Visit local artisans and shop owners

How Volunteering while Traveling Helps You Grow

As well as providing you with an incredible sense of accomplishment, volunteering while you travel helps you grow in several ways.

Gain new skills

No matter what kind of volunteer abroad project you sign up for, you’ll learn some new skills while you’re there. Did you know that if you participate in marine conservation, you can get your PADI Diving Certificate?

Many more wildlife conservation projects offer certifications and unique skills you’ll have with you forever. In a more general sense, you’ll also hone some of your core skills, including:

• Time management
• Problem-solving
• People skills
• Patience
• Confidence
• Teamwork

Get a better idea of your professional path

If you’re totally unsure what you want to do as a career and you’re feeling a little lost, volunteering will help immeasurably. You’ll start to get a sense of what your passions are and the kinds of roles you’d love to do as a career.

If you have an idea of what career you’d like, volunteering is also an opportunity to test the waters and figure out if it’s right for you. For example, if you’re interested in zoology, you can volunteer for a Conversation Project in South Africa and see if it’s the right fit.

Make new friends and lasting friendships

Volunteers often make lifelong friends while working and traveling. You may make fleeting friendships while traveling normally, but volunteering gives you an opportunity to get to know people better, share a unique experience, and rely on others.

You’ll come away from the experience with lasting friendships with people you would never have met otherwise.

Develop a sensitivity to other cultures

When we don’t travel often, we tend to stay within our small bubble of culture and community and rarely experience how others live. However, this limits our perspective and causes unnecessary divides in the world.

Volunteers are taught about local customs, body language, gestures, experiences, and religions. All of this will give you a deeper understanding of different cultures, greater sensitivity and allows you to reflect on your behavior in your daily life.

Improve physical fitness

Physical and mental health are both important when volunteering. Many projects can be physically demanding, so you’ll likely see your fitness levels improve. Whether you’re looking after endangered animals in a National Park in Costa Rica or doing a charity run in South America, you’ll come back with a better level of fitness.

And the challenges you will face, both culturally and personally as you navigate a radically new experience, will fortify your mental fitness as well, strengthening your ability to adapt and feel empathy.

Best Opportunities For Volunteering Abroad 

If you’re raring to go and love the idea of volunteering overseas, here is a short list of some of the best volunteering opportunities and organizations that can help you get started as an international volunteer:

• Volunteer World
• Transitions Abroad.com
• GeoVisions
• Global Service Corps
• Cross-Cultural Solutions

Traveling is a fantastic way to experience new cultures, explore different parts of the world, and make lifeline memories. Why not give back to the communities you visit?

Volunteering while traveling opens up whole new experiences and allows you to develop a real understanding of cultures that you don’t get while traveling normally. Just make sure you choose the right volunteer organization and give your time responsibly on your next adventure.

You may also enjoy reading Explore More: Tips to Travel Abroad on a Budget, by Paisley Hansen

The post Volunteering While Traveling: The Complete Guide appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

They say once you offer up your pain and suffering to a higher power, trust that the Universe will come through for you. I asked…and received a miracle.

—

Summertime in 1967 would go down in history as the Summer of Love. An incredible era that resulted in changes of moral and societal values, music, art, and life. Hundreds of thousands of Baby Boomers were coming of age determined to challenge the status quo. Our country and the world would never be the same. My own world would never be the same for another reason.

I turned eighteen in May of 1967. Captivated by what was happening around the world, I watched the national news, mesmerized by the flower children in San Francisco; I longed to join the marches and rallies condemning the Vietnam War and fight for civil rights. I yearned to be part of the women’s movement, dreaming of being a young woman with purpose, making a difference.

None of those things would come to fruition that summer because I was hidden away in a Maternity Home for Unwed Mothers in New Orleans waiting to give birth to a secret child.

After the birth I was expected to surrender my newborn to a closed adoption. I was told repeatedly, “After you leave and go back home you will forget about this time in your life.”

In the 1960s there was nothing much worse than a young woman finding herself pregnant without a ring on her finger. Pregnancy out of wedlock was considered socially unacceptable and practically a criminal act. This was a cruel and unforgiving time for girls whose lives changed in an instant from typical, happy, healthy teens into girls in-trouble, bad girls, or loose young women who had sinned and needed redemption.

There was no support from government, and no one questioned what these young women needed or wanted. We had no voice. It was routine that we unfortunate girls would be sent away from our homes, our education halted, our reputations in tatters.

We were expected to do the right thing; surrender our child to a more deserving couple, and never think about that child again.

Once my parents were over the shock that their daughter committed this unspeakable crime they turned to our church. The minister told my folks the best thing to do with me was send me away so no one would be the wiser. Part of the lie was to say I was living with an out-of- state grandmother if anyone asked. I was already terribly ashamed and riddled with guilt about my predicament, but this magnified my crime to huge proportions. I was made to think I had ruined my life.

Whisked away to the Maternity Home in New Orleans, I remember sitting in a bare bones office while a stuffy staff member admitted me. She handed my father a brochure, and I spotted the words “Go Forth and Sin No More.” I was a good girl. I was a great student and a high achiever. I was president of our youth fellowship at church. My ‘sin’ had been believing a boyfriend when he said he loved me. This is when the shame escalated, and extreme self-doubt crept into my entire being. I had let everyone down and messed up my life and now an unborn child’s life as well.

For five months I worked at the Home, surrounded by many girls like myself. Institutionalized like criminals, we were fed well, and allowed walks within a specific perimeter around the old neighborhood. We attended chapel on Sundays where we bowed our heads and asked for forgiveness. There was no counseling, no schooling, no mention of what would happen when we gave birth or after we left this place.

Mostly we worked at our jobs. Mine was feeding babies in the nursery. There were the usual cliques and dramas, after all we were typical teenagers interested in music, pop culture, and dreamy boys. The only difference was we were damaged, all of various states of pregnancy, filled with doubt and fear of what our futures would hold now that we had committed the unthinkable. Soon we would surrender our own flesh and blood, the babies growing inside of us, to complete strangers, new parents we would never know. The records would be sealed, and we would never know where our children lived, what their names would be, if they were healthy, happy, or loved.

Already lacking self-confidence and filled with shame and guilt, it was easy to convince us we were unworthy, and this is what we deserved.

I gave birth to my first-born son during the jungle heat of that summer. The overpowering bond I felt with this tiny infant filled me with a love I had never imagined. Only allowed to hold him twice, the pain of leaving him crushed me. Through tear-filled eyes I tried to memorize his downy face, his tiny hands, his wee frog-like legs. The fact that I would never see my son again broke my spirit and as young as I was, I knew intuitively I would never forget this secret son of mine who had nestled beneath my heart, who I had whispered to in the silence of the night, and who I had loved from his first fluttering inside of me.

The one thing I was allowed to give him was a crib name. I named him Jamie. The last time I held him, I stole the birth card off his bassinet, tucking it secretly in my pocket. This tiny piece of cardboard was the only proof I had of Jamie.

Returning to my old life was impossible. I was not the same girl. I was a woman now, a mother, without her son. I was expected to go straight back into my old life even though I had experienced a trauma that would mark me for the rest of my days. I returned home with no therapy, no support, just the stifling depression of a private loss I was not allowed to speak of.

On the outside, I looked the same but the shame of the lies and secrets and the guilt of leaving my baby crushed my soul and colored who I thought I was.

My goal was to escape my family and my hometown and within six months I had married the first man who asked me. Determined to have what had been taken away from me, I gave birth to my second son within a year after the wedding. We moved to my husband’s home state of California where I began a new life thousands of miles away from my old one and pushed my secret son far down in the dark recesses of my heart.

I gave birth to two more sons within 8 years. Being a mother completed me. Raising and mothering my three boys kept me busy and fulfilled but often I would slip away and hold the tiny birth card, praying that Jamie was happy, and most importantly loved. I would ask him to forgive me each time I tucked the card away in its secret place.

I did this for 49 years.

After ten years of a tenuous and emotionally abusive marriage my husband left, leaving me a single mom with no support. I went to work, changing my life, striving to make it better for my sons and myself.

Three years later I would marry the love of my life, and we happily blended our family of five children. My second husband and I both had demanding careers and there was always the wild and wacky chaos of raising four sons and one daughter. As busy as I was throughout those years, I never once forgot Jamie.

Grateful for the good life I had, I began to heal.

I had searched off and on over the years for my son, but to no avail. From the time I had left the Maternity Home in New Orleans I had fantasized that my son would find me. But after decades, I questioned if we would ever be reunited and thought I would take the secret of him to my grave. I started journaling about that time in New Orleans. I had never written a word about 1967 or allowed myself to write about the loss of my son. Each morning I would write “Find Jamie,” at the top of my notebook.

Writing about my son and the trauma of leaving him became addictive. The more I wrote, the more I remembered and understood how and why all of this had played out the way it did. I realized I had never fully forgiven my parents, our minister, my boyfriend, society, the Home, or myself. I was not that young girl any longer. Now I was a wise older woman with a grateful heart for all the good in my life and I began to intentionally forgive everyone and anyone who had hurt me or abandoned me. But most importantly I forgave myself.

I have often heard once you offer up your pain and suffering to a higher power, trust that the Universe will come through for you. Ask and you shall receive. Well, I did ask to find Jamie and the Universe answered with a miracle.

In October of 2016, my forty-nine-year-old son Jamie, now named Richard, found me through Ancestry DNA. Hearing my son’s voice for the very first time was magical, indescribable. I fell in love all over again. Four days after our first phone call my son flew to California to meet me in person. We were fortunate, our reunion was flawless. Hugging this full-grown man who I had last seen as a 7-pound infant seemed so natural. It was the same as hugging any of my sons and his DNA screamed out loud and clear. We looked alike and had so much in common. I pinched myself for months.

Almost immediately I went from holding in this sad secret of having had a secret son and to wanting to shout to the world, “My son has found me!” And I did.

The more I wrote or spoke about Jamie/Richard and the experience of the Maternity Home in 1967, the more I healed. My story was that of the hundreds of thousands of young women in the 1950s and 1960s who had walked the same walk I had.

We had no choice. We had no voice. I realized I had lived my life as if it were still 1967 full of regret and shame, worried what people would think of me. Once I spoke my truth, I found such support and love from my family and friends. Support and love also flooded my email from birth mothers and adoptees from across the country. My faith in people and in myself was renewed. I became healthier physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I slept soundly for once, knowing where all my sons were each night.

Best of all, I had finally given that sad, damaged teenage girl a voice.

You may also enjoy reading Releasing Shame to Reclaim Your Self-Worth, by Emily Madill

The post After the Summer of Love: Secrets and Shame for a Mother in the 1960s appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

It can be difficult to keep your child motivated and engaged in learning with so many things competing for their attention. These strategies can help.

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The teenager who falls asleep once a textbook is placed in front of them. The child who won’t stop yelling each time they’re asked to do their homework. All around us, it’s easy to find children that struggle to stay engaged or motivated at school. A few months ago, I noticed that my 8-year old son was finding it difficult to focus on his lessons. During classes, he would doodle or outright fall asleep. 

Like any parent, I was worried about this newly-found apathy and how to respond to it.

Unfortunately, the rise of the COVID-19 pandemic has made it even harder for students to remain genuinely interested in schoolwork. The pandemic led to a transition from face-to-face learning to online learning. While this transition served a purpose to ensure that students didn’t fall behind academically, studies have shown that online learning for kids could negatively impact them, leading to a loss of motivation.

This brings us to the big question: how do we keep our kids motivated and engaged during school work? Well, if this has been a concern of yours, I’ve curated some key strategies that have helped me and my son:

Give your child a little control

I know what you’re thinking: why should we place our children in the driver’s seat when it comes to their education? After all, we’re the adults and we need to guide our kids through learning and school work. However, I soon realized from personal experience that children tend to get tired of control. They face control from teachers, coaches, and even us. We tell them to do things our way because that’s the “right” way. 

The result? They feel forced and end up despising (or otherwise not caring for) the learning process.

It’s important to let children have control over their own learning experiences and choices. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to hand over the reins entirely to them. It could simply mean offering them flexibility by providing them with options. For instance, if you’re assigning your child an essay or letter-writing task, give them the freedom to choose a particular topic they’d like to write about.

My son used to hate letter-writing because he found it too “boring.” In retrospect, I’d have found letter-writing boring, too, if I was always asked to write letters to a fictional pen pal. So, one day, I asked him to write a letter to anyone he wanted to and in no time at all, I had a one-page letter addressed to Aladdin. That was when it hit me: his problem with letter-writing wasn’t the fact that it was supposedly boring. The problem was that he wasn’t offered freedom or flexibility to make creative choices.

The more learning choices a child has, the more engaged and motivated they’ll feel about learning and studying.

Try out different learning styles

Here’s one mistake most parents and teachers make: believing that learning is a one-size-fits-all approach. There are many different learning styles, and each child has a specific preference. For instance, some children might have a particular dominant learning style while others prefer using a combination of learning styles.

When you use a different learning style other than your child’s preferred one, they’ll either get bored, distracted or outright unwilling to learn.

If your child is a visual learner, they’d prefer to learn by seeing how things work (showing instead of telling). My son is a visual learner and he certainly learns faster with YouTube videos and real-life practical examples.

On the other hand, your kid might prefer telling instead of showing if they’re auditory learners. So, try out different methods until you nail the jackpot and find one that works best for your child. By exploring different learning styles, you’ll be able to figure out the best learning method to use and improve their attitude to school work.

In some cases, experts also advise incorporating mindfulness into your child’s learning routine to help them navigate challenges easily.

Be enthusiastic

Have you ever tried teaching math to your child? I’ve certainly tried and ever since then, my respect for math teachers has shot through the roof. When it comes to learning math for kids, it’s normal for your kid to feel unenthusiastic or unmotivated. This is because most kids tend to see math as an uninteresting and frightening hill that they’d rather not climb. This is where you come in.

As parents, we can improve our kids’ reception to math (and just about any other subject) simply by being enthusiastic.

Enthusiasm tends to rub off, and once your child sees how excited you are about learning, they’ll most likely get excited about it too.

Treat each learning session like a new exciting adventure for discovering hidden gems of knowledge. For instance, when it’s time for our home-based learning sessions, I tell my son: “we’re going to learn something mysterious today!” Of course, there’s absolutely nothing mysterious about solving fractions but it always makes him excited and curious.

Try as much as possible to stay joyful and enthusiastic while teaching, and in no time, your kid will get with the program.

Consider game-based learning

Contrary to popular opinion, game-based learning isn’t another big-tech ploy to distract children and keep them addicted to their screens. Instead, it can help motivate kids, improve their attitude to learning and make it seem like a fun activity rather than an inevitable chore. But don’t just take my word for it; what do the numbers really say?

According to studies, 80% of learners would be more productive if learning took a game-like approach. But it doesn’t just end at ‘would-be’s and ‘what-if’s. In reality, up to 70% of teachers who used educational games in their classrooms witnessed a significant increase in student engagement.

What does this mean for us as parents? It’s quite simple: we should incorporate educational games to boost our kids’ engagement and motivation for learning. This will help engage them, incite their competitive spirit, and motivate them to keep studying.

Use positive reinforcement 

A great way to motivate your child to learn is by utilizing positive reinforcement. Encourage them and celebrate their achievements. For instance, if they finish an important assignment or task, praise them and possibly treat them. This will encourage them to do better, and subsequently, your child will be more willing to learn, thanks to the positive reinforcement and validation that they get from you.

As a reinforcement practice, I always hand my kid a gold star or cookie every time he does great on a school task.

It makes him really eager to learn and ever since I discovered this hack, I haven’t let go (shhh, don’t tell him).

Help your child with their day-to-day organization

Sometimes, children feel unmotivated to learn simply because they’re overwhelmed by too many tasks. However, you can nip this in the bud by helping them stay organized. For instance, you could help structure their tasks, setting deadlines for each one and providing sufficient breaks in-between. This way, they’ll be able to handle school tasks one after the other and stay on top of the situation instead of being bombarded with a plethora of homework.

Another way to help your child stay organized is by keeping their books and papers tidy for them. Young children tend to have a problem organizing their school materials, and by stepping in for them, you lower their chances of feeling overwhelmed or frustrated by the mess. Include them in the process so they can eventually do this on their own. 

Final Thoughts

Trying to help your child stay motivated and engaged when it comes to school is certainly no mean feat. With the rise of the pandemic and online learning, it has become even harder for children to stay focused on learning activities. However, as parents, we owe it to our kids to help them in any way we can. Fortunately, with a few mindful strategies, you too can help your child stay on track and get the most out of school.

You’ll certainly notice a difference!

You may also enjoy reading Mindfulness in the Classroom: Learning from the Inside Out by Laura Bakosh

The post School Challenges: 6 Ways to Keep Your Kids Motivated and Engaged appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

You don’t need a degree to be an expert; if you’ve built up credits through the school of hard knocks, you’re prepared to help others.

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When I was in my thirties, I was diagnosed with celiac disease. Basically, in the blink of an eye, the world of food as I knew it was altered forever. Imagine that all the foods you love, pizza, pasta and bread, acted as a poison in your body. Great! “Now, what was I supposed to do?”

I did not know anyone else with this disease in the beginning, and I quickly found out that the learning curve was akin to the roller coaster at the amusement park. Just when I thought I figured it out and was on the upswing, the bottom would fall out, and I would be staggering back to square one. How frustrating. Sure, there were books, but they all suggested making your own bread or buying the sub-par stuff from the grocery store. I tried them, but they just made me sadder.

I even remember my mom and I attempted to make an apple pie for the holidays one year. We bought four different kinds of flour and followed a recipe that assured me I would not even be able to tell the difference. When the pie was done, it not only smelled disgusting, it tasted inedible. But my mom, always the optimist and master baker, claimed it was ok, that we could save it. So between laughing until we cried, we set out to save the pie. Her solution was to throw away the crust and wash each apple (yes, we washed each one) until we were sure none of the rancid flavors were left behind. The dessert that night was hot apples in a bowl with crumbs that we called our version of gluten-free pie. 

This was definitely going to be a challenge.

I had no mentor or guide. Every day was a jump into the unknown. Countless meals were thrown in the garbage, and so much money was tossed down the drain.

As the years went on I had to be a fast learner since my son was also celiac and the boy had to eat. Luckily, two important things occurred. The first is that new products hit the market that were not merely lame substitutes for the real things, and second, I started to adapt and became a decent gluten-free cook.

I vowed that if I were ever in the position to help another, I would do it wholeheartedly. I have been known to hold impromptu classes with moms as they stared terrified in the frozen food refrigerators at the grocery store. I guide people when they ask questions like, “Which is the best bread to buy?” I make a point of telling people when they are eating gluten free (GF) food so they get that taste of how good it can be.

So I was ready when a friend reached out because her daughter had just received the celiac diagnosis and was starving.

This was one of those times when I didn’t merely sympathize with her plight; I jumped into action. I had lived it and knew I could help.

I vividly recalled the lousy food, the constant sense of hunger, and the fear of letting anything pass your lips.

We scheduled a beginner’s class one cold winter evening.

When they arrived for their tutorial, the girl had a sad, distant look in her eyes. I remember being that overwhelmed, so overwhelmed you could cry at the drop of a hat. It’s hard to be happy when all you can think about is what life will be like moving forward. So I put on my biggest smile and my cheerleader’s voice and grabbed her in a giant hug, whispering, “We got this.”

Of course, I had prepared for the evening with a quick trip to the store to pick up a few boxes of food that were safe and good. I also prepared the “I now eat gluten-free survival kit,” which included a grocery list, supplies, cookbooks, and recipes. I was not messing around.

It is often our struggles that prepare us to serve others — and through this service, we not only derive joy, we can also begin to heal our own pain.

You may also enjoy reading 6 Steps to Overcome Entrepreneurial Anxiety by Katy Toast

The post Let Her Eat (Gluten-Free) Cake: A Lesson in Paying it Forward appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

In time, may our biases, prejudices and judgments melt away as we realize that love is love, end of story

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Once upon time there was a planet in which the inhabitants were either blue or white. Blues were either inclined toward whites or blues. And whites were inclined toward whites or blues. And then there were the blues who liked both blues and whites and the whites who liked both whites and blues.

As time elapsed, the controllers realized that the economy boomed when blues and whites combined into what was known as a unit. These blues and whites, together, gave life to mini-blues and mini-whites, who were, in turn, encouraged to recreate the same unit over and over ad infinitum. Eventually, as the unit became mainstream, the blue inhabitants who were inclined toward blues (let’s call them blues on blues for now) and the whites who were inclined toward whites (let’s refer to them as whites on whites for now) were ostracized because they were not contributing to the dynamic. They were a threat because they could not bring more blues and whites to the planet; and because they were ruining the ideal template created in the minds of the controllers. They were also not beneficial to tribes and societies who were trying to expand into an empire. After all, power is in numbers. So, it was planted in the mindset of all that blues on blues and whites on whites are evil. 

In case you decide to believe the above narrative, please note that it is a fictional one. All our stories should come with this warning, so that we don’t believe we are doing the world a favor by adopting an ideology that creates division. Whether one believes this narrative or that narrative about what is so obviously a reference to the LGBTQ+ community, the truth of the matter is that many versions of this tale have permeated our psyche. The result? Hate, torture, murder, emotional trauma, and the dissolution of the greater family unit — the very unit that is beneficial to global community.  

What has made society so afraid of the LGBTQ+ community? An idea. That’s it.

When the idea dissolves, our mind, if noble enough, will scurry to fill the vacuum with an idea that serves the world better. Instead, we fill it with even more narratives. The latest narrative tells a tale about agendas: Why is there a gay character in every cartoon? Why is there a gay character in every movie today? Why are they teaching kids about gay people at school? The mind loves to latch on to conspiracy theories and fear. But, regardless of what our minds tell us, the appearance of LGBTQ+ characters is not because the director or the teacher wants to make your child gay. You can’t make someone gay. In fact, many a gay person today would tell you they wouldn’t wish being gay on anyone because of the amount of bullying and fear they have been exposed to. The reason that the LGBTQ+ is highlighted is because a new narrative is permeating the collective: one that speaks of embracing diversity and waltzing with nonresistance. This new narrative reminds us that being gay is as natural as being “straight.” And the narrative is not fictional. It is our reality. Look around. You who reads this most definitely knows someone who is gay or are gay yourself. Are you part of an agenda? And if you are, then hats off to you for being part of an agenda to teach people about acceptance.

For too long, the gay community has been ostracized and made to feel dirty, unwelcome, and even worthy of punishment.

In this patriarchy, it’s okay to be a “straight” man and sow your wild oats, but it’s unacceptable if you are a gay person who loves one person who happens to share your anatomy. All in all, promiscuity has nothing to do with one’s sexual inclination. It has to do with a person’s behavioral tendencies and can even be attributed to biological properties. Enough. Haven’t we had enough?

I want you to think about that gay relative or friend who you haven’t spoken to in years. And I want to ask you: What is the crime? Let me give you a hint. The crime has nothing to do with who that person loves but with arrogance. Anyone who blocks another human being because of who s/he loves is the one who requires therapy or a boot camp (not the other way around).

And now, let’s address the “T” of the LGBTQ+ spectrum. In our community, transgenders are taunted for “impersonating the other sex.” This was criminalized in Kuwait as recently as 2007. Not that it should matter one bit whether a transgender person is gay or not, but there is a misconception here that all transgender people are gay. This is false. Being transgender may or may not have something to do with one’s inclination. Yet not necessarily. Whatever the case, the question is: When did clothing become an indication of one’s inclination in the first place? International women fashion magazines regularly present female models in men’s shoes and androgynous clothing. Should they be arrested here? Men in Arabia used to have long hair and wear eyeliner. There are still conservative men who have long hair. Should they be arrested today? And if so, what would the interrogation process look like? “Are you gay?” “No sir, I just like wearing women’s clothing.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” “Okay, we will release you with a warning, but we don’t want to see you in here again.” In extreme cases, the man will be sexually harassed by the interrogators — the same men who are against man-on-man contact.

We have a lot of issues in Kuwait that warrant our attention: corruption, the environment, the treatment of expatriates, the growing intolerance toward those of other faiths, the rights of domestic workers and women, and so much more. These are what makes a society move forward. Instead, we are bombarded by one divisive idea after another that only serves to create more emotional and physical trauma for all of us involved.

Today, in some parts of the world, the narrative is changing, but the situation is still far from resolved.

Supporting the gay community has become trendy and so has been exploited by business and politicians. These, however, are not reasons, to support the LGBTQ+ community, but at least they are a beginning: a first step to remembering that the world can become less of a nightmare when we unify. And if it’s now trendy, then that’s a good sign. It means we know, on a deep level, that bigotry is uncool. In time, perhaps our shallow intentions will be replaced with a genuine acceptance of everyone on the LGBTQ+ spectrum without any ulterior motive on our part. And, in time we will add H to the spectrum for heterosexual, to show that it’s just another way of expressing our inclination and there is no separation. We are all colors of the rainbow. Finally, in time, we won’t have any spectrum, and there will be no need for protests or rights because we will get it. We will get that there was nothing frightening about anyone’s inclinations in the first place. And we will get that all this came about because of an idea, a divisive idea that told us who to hate.

When we can recognize that the fear and animosity was just a program, that is when we will know we have evolved.

For now, it’s high time we change the narrative, to change any narrative in which a person is killed, thrown off a balcony, arrested, taunted, interrogated, warned, or thrown out of the family home because of who s/he loves.

You may also enjoy Interview: Glennon Doyle | The New Activism with Kristen Noel

The post HLGBTQ+: When Will the Discussion End? appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

What is optimism? Thinking happy thoughts? Denying our dark feelings? Or something richer and more complex?

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As we think about the transition into a new year, I have to ask myself: will this one be better? One of my Facebook friends is always posting about how we should be positive and always have a good attitude. He says that “we create our own reality” and all we need to do is believe things are good and they will be good. This may be right for him, but I just can’t feel that way.

I think the bad things I experience are bad in reality, whether or not I want them to be.

I am not one of those people who is constantly positive and bubbly about life. Some people say that whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I don’t think so. Sometimes life just hits us hard and we feel broken. And I don’t think that every bad experience is an invitation to grow as a person. I haven’t always learned something new or grown as a result of the sufferings I have endured. My mother, father, and wife all passed away within one year. Maybe I should have learned something from this or grown as a person, but all I felt was awful. These explanations of optimism are too much for me.

I know that bad things happen to us all, and especially during a time of pandemic, many people have endured real hardships. Loved ones have become sick. Some have passed away. Jobs have been lost. And in the world of politics — well, it hasn’t been pretty. But at the same time, we have seen untold acts of kindness and a remarkable resiliency exhibited again and again. People reaching out to help others. People changing careers and setting new directions in their lives. Dare we be optimistic about the new year?  

In a recent article in The Atlantic, Scott Barry Kaufmann suggests that “toxic positivity” is unrealistic, and, drawing on the work of Viktor Frankl, he recommends something called “tragic optimism,” which is “the search for meaning amid the inevitable tragedies of human existence.” This is a helpful formulation. As a religious person, I believe the search for meaning is fundamental to life. But do we need to go so far as to say that optimism has to be tragic to be realistic? I don’t think so. To me, it sounds as if that would mean that we have to accept being miserable as a precondition of optimism. I accept that life is fragile, but I don’t see it as fundamentally tragic, even when bad things happen.

When is life tragic? It can become so if we embrace the pain and suffering that are always part of life and refuse to let them go when the time is right. 

My brother-in-law can’t escape the prison he has built for himself. He resents his mother and believes that she is responsible for his marriage breaking up. I try to talk to him, but he turns every conversation into a diatribe against his mother. He just can’t help himself. “Why does she do this to me?” I feel for him, but he won’t think or talk about anything else. He is miserable, and he won’t allow himself to be free. There is no optimism here.

We can choose to make pain and suffering all that we are. But this is a crucial mistake. They are not the essence of life, but they do come to us as part of life. We all have the right to feel terrible — to feel angry, to mourn the passing of loved ones, to resent injustices done to us. Things can hurt us. And we don’t have to bounce back from these experiences quickly. We are all human. The question is: do we let these things define us? 

I believe, and I want to suggest to you, that we are all stronger than we think we are. 

The human spirit is a remarkable thing, and we can pick ourselves back up after we have fallen. It is important to know this, so we don’t talk ourselves out of recovering from tragedy. Every morning we have to make a choice that day about how we want to live our lives. 

At the same time, we also need to be able to admit to ourselves that we might need help recovering from tragedy. Sometimes we get so lost that we need a helping hand. And sometimes there are physical or chemical complications in our lives. I have had people close to me who were addicted to alcohol. They were good people and strong in many ways, but the alcohol kept them from being themselves. We are all stronger than we think we are, but sometimes we need someone else to remind us of this and offer a helping hand. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. Strong people need help too. 

And that brings us back to the search for meaning. This is, I think, the key to an optimism that isn’t just “being positive.” Tradition says that the ancient oracle at Delphi had the exhortation “Know Thyself” at the entrance to the temple. Most of us think that we know ourselves, but this knowledge doesn’t come easily. Socrates says that he spent his whole life trying to understand what the oracle meant. He did this by asking others questions about their lives and choices and then challenging the answers he received. It’s something we should all emulate. And his search for answers led him to insights into what he called eternal, immutable ideas. He began trying to know himself, and he ended up understanding his place in the universe. 

The broad perspective on life that comes from this kind of reflection makes a stronger, more substantive optimism possible, something I call a “mature optimism.” It is based on an understanding of the power of tragedy in our lives, but it allows us to draw on our own strength to overcome it.  

The search for meaning is really a quest; it could last a lifetime. We can always learn more, and our optimism can grow and deepen. So can our strength and resilience.

As human beings, we are all flawed, and in life we all experience our share of disappointments, sadness, and tragedy. No one is immune from this. But this doesn’t mean life itself is tragic. It is possible to accept the reality of pain and still wake up every morning, inspired by what the future might hold for us. Life itself remains beautiful. In spite of what the world has dealt us this last year, and in spite of all that we may have endured, we can dare to be optimistic.

You may also enjoy Interview: Marianne Williamson | A Return To Love And Consciousness with Kristen Noel

The post Mature Optimism: Balancing Beauty, Tragedy and Hope in a Complicated World appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

All over the world, a new and throbbing pulse of awakening is being felt in the collective consciousness of humanity.

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The present situation in the world indicates that a new world order is on the verge of arising. 

In spite of the apparent contradictions and incongruities that are more evident than ever on the surface of society, I feel intuitively that there is a deeper re-alignment and re-configuration occurring underneath. In order to hasten this paradigm-shift in human consciousness, one needs to see clearly the line of demarcation between the two opposing forces of creation and destruction. The glaring contrast between that which is nourishing to life and that which is life-damaging must be perceived and acknowledged by humanity. 

There are, of course, always two opposing forces at work in the process of evolution – one force destroys the first state and the second force gives rise to a new state. When these two forces are working in harmony, life evolves. But when the destructive actions continually increase due to an increase of (fear, anger, greed etc…) in the people, then the concentration of negative forces produces suffering and the death of a society. 

The Covid-19 pandemic is a direct result of the violation of natural law by a large percentage of the population on earth. This violation has caused a very strong reaction in nature resulting in a huge loss of life. But the pain, tribulation and trials which humanity is currently facing can be likened to the process of breaking the shell of ignorance that has clouded our understanding of the ultimate purpose of human life, and endangered our very fragile relationship to nature.

The universe is a living, breathing organism that reacts to human behavior, flawlessly returning the consequences of actions to the doer.

Global warming, deforestation, pollution of the oceans, soil degradation (caused by pesticides and GMO’s), the loss of biodiversity and natural habitats for wildlife, the risk of extinction of one million species has led to nature’s present outcry. 

Nature is alerting mankind to stop, look and listen before it is too late. 

When the social, biological and ecological balance in nature is disrupted by violations of natural law, the universe mirrors these disturbances by sending calamities and catastrophes, such as floods, fires, earthquakes and pandemics. These seemingly destructive forces are nature’s methods of recalibration, and should serve as a warning for humanity. The chain of cause and effect cannot be ignored much longer.

In the words of the mystic poet Kahlil Gibran:

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding… Much of your pain is self-chosen. It is the bitter portion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility; for his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen…”

When natural law is violated, life systems begins to lose their natural harmony.

Behavior in society becomes more and more erratic and turbulent. National events take unforeseen destructive directions. At this precarious juncture arises an urgent need for the restoration of the true principles of living in harmony with natural law.

In the words of the saint Papa Ramdas:

“Understand that the so-called difficulties that beset us in life, far from being undesirable, help us as much as they awaken in us the latent powers of the soul… Through this experience we strengthen our will-force and grow, day by day, to be more powerful for fighting fearlessly against the darkening influences of ignorance in this battle of life. Therefore, be brave and face things with a bold, unperturbed front.”

All over the world, a new and throbbing pulse of awakening is being felt in the collective consciousness of humanity. There is a collective desire to embrace a new level of wholeness, a new willingness to take responsibility for the dire state of affairs on the global stage, a desire to repair the damage inflicted on the ecological system, a need to come back to universal values of integrity, harmony and compassion to mend the broken thread of relationships between people. There is a new dedication arising to alleviate the poverty, hunger and exploitation of our brothers and sisters in different parts of the world. There is new upsurge in the desire of the collective consciousness to promote the principles of justice, inclusion of diversity and equal opportunities for all.

The most significant transition must be on the level of human awareness. It is from this fountainhead that all human behavior gushes forth.

A new system of education must eventually be adopted, a system which promotes the ability to delve deeply into the source of all knowledge, the silent unified field of pure consciousness itself. This will lead to a more unified appreciation of life. Instead of viewing ourselves as isolated fragments separated from each other, we will begin to discern our unity — the unified, interwoven matrix of life itself.

In the words of the great physicist David Bohm,

“Indeed, the attempt to live according to the notion that the fragments are really separate is, in essence, what has led to the growing series of extremely urgent crises that is confronting us today.”

Whenever there is a major shift arising across the globe, there are inevitably instabilities, fluctuations and upheavals in world events. Every major transformation is preceded by a period of discomfort, frustration and chaos. Just as a mother has to experience labor pains before giving birth, similarly does the earth experience upheaval and turbulence before a new world order can be established.

In the words of the Turkish mystic poet Rumi:

“Whenever they rebuild an old building, they must first of all destroy the old one.”

But much of this apparent doom is actually a positive force… From these transitions, there is the possibility of higher orders of organization being formed.

There is always a tug-of-war between the vanishing of the old principles and the emergence of the new principles to guide life forward on its next step of evolution.

In the words of the great Nobel Laureate Albert Einstein:

“If we want to change the world, we have to change our thinking… no problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it. We must learn to see the world anew… Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

We are passing through a dark tunnel but there is a bright light at the end of it. The world is on the verge of being transformed into a more unified, tolerant and harmonious family of nations. The unified view of life is catching hold of the collective human psyche. The health and wellbeing of the world rests on the recognition that life is an interwoven pattern of relationships in which everyone is always influencing everyone else. Our thinking must embrace the unified wholeness of life as its reference point in order to generate a real, sustainable change.

In the words of the Indian saint, Papa Ramdas of Anandashram, Kerala:

“The old civilization is crumbling to pieces. There is going on a re-shuffling of the values of life. The lesson that the present situation holds for mankind is that the unbridled lust for power and possession leads to strife and war, that selfishness, greed and pride, whether among individuals or nations, causes widespread suffering and misery. Out of the travails through which the world is passing, a new order is bound to emerge based on a knowledge of the Universal Spirit.”

The new world order will be ushered in by leaders on the world stage who embody the new principles of life and are living examples of it in their lives.

They will begin to voice the collective desire of humanity to live from a higher level of truth, purity and integrity. The new world order will take root through the inspired leadership of such highly evolved beings, messengers of truth, who are already appearing on the world stage to guide and fulfill the collective aspirations of humanity for the dawn of a new age founded on the principles of peace, harmony and universal love and service.

You may also enjoy reading Are You Willing to Give up Your Utopian Constructs? by Gary Douglas

The post Emergence of a New World Order appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Parenting should not be an act of self-sacrifice; helping kids grow into healthy, happy individuals requires healthy, happy parents

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Parenting should not be a self-sacrificing role. As I’ve written about it before, I strongly believe that helping kids grow into healthy, happy individuals requires healthy and happy parents. But, that’s not to say that I don’t feel my fair share of parenting stress.

Sometimes, it’s from having a to-do list that’s not humanly possible to get through. Other times, it’s the result of the everyday obstacles that arise while raising two boys. And, for the past year, the source of the stress just happened to be the challenges of online school. But while I cannot avoid some stressful circumstances, I know that I can, and should, find effective ways to cope with parenting stress.

Do you find yourself wound up more often than you’d like? Would you like to find better ways of taking good care of yourself? If so, here are a few things you can do to manage the everyday pressures of being a parent.

The Research: Are Moms More Stressed Than Dads?

For the past few years, there’s been a steady increase in parenting stress levels. (Or, it may just be possible that we’re all more mindful of our emotional health and have gotten better at recognizing when we’re feeling overwhelmed).

According to the American Psychological Association, moms are particularly susceptible to experiencing overwhelm. In 2009, 15% rated their stress levels as a 10 out of 10. And, they often reported lying awake at night, stress eating, or skipping meals.

Of course, that isn’t to say that dads aren’t experiencing stress too. It just appears that their experiences didn’t reach the extreme level quite as often.

While it’s impossible to eliminate all stress from our lives, it is possible (and necessary) to manage the effect it has on our overall wellbeing. Fortunately, there are effective ways of giving ourselves some love and softening when we’re ready to snap.

What can you do to cope with parenting stress? Here are a few ideas that have worked for me.

1. Take a Break

Possibly the best way to prevent burnout of any kind is to make rest a regular part of your routine.

With two young boys at home, rest can be difficult for me to make time for. Sometimes, the only quiet moment I get in the day is at 5 A.M. as I’m sipping my pre-run coffee. But that doesn’t mean I’ve just accepted the fact that I’m a busy mom.

I try to schedule rest as often as I can. I have a strict “no work on the weekends” policy. I try to schedule some ‘me time’. Sometimes that means lunch with friends, other times it’s escaping to a quiet cafe to read and relax.The main idea is that I try to get in at least a couple of hours of uninterrupted relaxation time that’s reserved just for me.

2. Make Fun Part of Your Schedule

De-stressing doesn’t necessarily mean relaxing, sometimes getting out and having fun is the best way to unwind.

It can be a visit to the movies, a Saturday morning hike, or a family game night. If I get a precious chance to do something fun just for myself, I like to get together with girlfriends, attend a class, or (when I’m lucky) see a stage production at one of the local theaters.

3. Practice Self-Care

If you’re like most moms, you’re likely to put your kids’ needs before your own. And that’s a big sign of your dedication to your role as a parent. But, it can also be a great source of parenting stress. After all, how can you expect to be relaxed if you’re not taking care of your needs?

Self-care is NECESSARY for dealing with the ups and downs of parenthood.

For me, this means some regular pampering. It might be an at-home spa day, fresh flowers, lunch at my favorite restaurant, or a professional facial to erase the signs of stress from my skin. For others, it may be regular exercise or walks in nature.

Yet, the physical aspects of self-care won’t be enough to address extreme stress. Emotional self-care is just as important. That may mean practicing meditation, finding a creative outlet or seeking outside support. I’ve found carving out time for creative pursuits combined with bi-weekly therapist sessions to be extremely helpful.

4. Ask for Help

Lastly, parents must recognize that raising kids (and staying sane) is not a solo endeavor. We need to understand that asking for help isn’t a sign of our incompetence. It’s a way to give our kids the best without burning ourselves out in the process.

Try to get as much help as you can. It can come in the form of a babysitter from time to time, a much-needed sleepover, or even enrolling your kids in an after-school activity that gives you some extra time for yourself. If that’s not enough… seek professional help — there are both personal and family therapists, family support organizations, and many other resources available to you… but you’ve got to be willing to ask.

Does parenting ever become less stressful? To be honest, I have no idea.

I believe that investing in my own wellbeing allows me to be a better mom. But, it’s not always easy to take that step back, especially when we’re going through tough times as a family.

Still, doing everything I can to minimize my stress levels isn’t for nothing. It helps me keep my head level, it prevents me from becoming so overwhelmed that I’m at the point of breaking and it’s safe to say, everyone in the family benefits from that.

You may also enjoy reading It Takes a Village: A Look at the Parental Community from Africa to Your Home by Judy Marano

The post Ready to Snap? 4 Ways to Cope with Parenting Stress appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

A rich community is not built by seeking only like-minded people, but rather seeking a diversity of traits which brighten and deepen your own

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In over twenty years of teaching English as a Second Language, my students have shared the hardships they experienced in their journeys, from surviving war and famine to being smuggled across borders and fleeing gang violence. Their stories inspire me and usually do not shock me anymore… until this one.

I was recently rendered speechless when a student told me that babysitters were not a thing in their community in South Africa. Instead, children as young as 5 or 6 would be left home alone to care for their younger siblings. The student said that children play outside all day, and the mother leaves meals to feed them. The neighbors in the tight-knit community watch each other’s children as if they were their own. They are even free to discipline them. 

I was shocked. Yet, I immediately realized that I was trying to project my American views onto different culture and practice.

The famous African proverb: ‘It takes a village to raise a child!’, popularized in the U.S. by Hilary Clinton, originated from the Nigerian Igbo culture and the proverb ‘Oran a azu nwa.’ This same sentiment is repeated in many different African cultures, albeit with different terms. 

I had heard and used the phrase flippantly when I or someone I knew needed assistance. Even today, my mom often tells me in a half-cajoling tone that I need a village to raise me. I used to take it as an insult that she did not think I could negotiate life independently. But that was because I did not fully understand what the saying meant and the fantastic benefits of having a village — a community — and knowing you need them.

Let’s use the analogy of making a quilt. Recently, my sister, who was blessed with the artistic genes in the family, was beginning to make a quilt for a bridal shower. She previewed the different fabrics for me by placing each bolt of fabric in the order that it would appear. At first, glance, although it looked beautiful, I looked at the whole of the patterns instead of each one. My sister explained that, to create a harmonious design, the way you arrange your materials is to find the dominant (boldest and brightest) color pattern in a swatch, and then find another piece of fabric that uses a similar color to sew adjacently. At first glance, they might not seem to fit, but on further examination, they can enhance the quilt’s richness, and you can see their collective value.

We should use the quilt image to build our village. Of course, ours won’t be exactly like the type you would find in Africa because villages are often tied together by religion, culture, and family. So, a village would inherently have similar ethical principles, more so than most friends or neighbors. But our village will be built on similar values and beliefs. 

Choose people whose dominant traits brighten and deepen your own. The result will be a beautiful complement of personalities and colors.

None of us are omniscient. We do not know what the future will hold and what particular mental and emotional trials you might encounter. So, the only way to stay afloat is to surround yourself with people that can fill in the gaps where you might falter. This is called social capital, the connections, shared values, and belief in society that allow people to trust each other and work together. I am not talking about a friend to run an errand for you or to pick up the kids; anyone can do that. I am talking about the people who stand by you, support you, and most importantly, care enough to be brutally honest.

So, let’s start with how a village would have helped in raising our children. Each time you introduce a new person into your circle, this is an opportunity to bring in a new perspective or a new lesson learned. How much broader will our children’s experiences be when they enter school if they had information from not just us? 

I admit that I thought I was a good mom. I exposed my children to their grandparents and my friends, allowing different opinions to infiltrate their being. But having them discipline my kids is where I drew the line. Mothers want that control which comes from establishing rules and order. I thought that was a mom-only job. How can I allow another person to take my place?

That is where I may have been wrong. 

Another person might deal with it differently, but that can only open your child’s eyes to the fact that each person does things a bit differently. Not wrong; just different. But thinking about it, taking direction and discipline from others better prepares them to enter the world. These kids will need to listen to diverse teachers, friends, and eventually even bosses throughout their lives. 

Being raised by many may make the transition from a sheltered home to the real world much smoother.

Not only does your child need to see and learn from others, but parents also often benefit from an outside perspective. A village with cultural and ethno-ancestral diversity adds color and richness to your family’s world. 

Think of it as a painting. The primary colors come together to form the main image. These are small groups of family or friends. They influence you and make you who you are. But the other colors that are added for accent, trigger emotional responses and deepen the experience of the whole. Each person’s perspective can open doors to the person you might want to be. These colors and people challenge you. They hold you in check. They push you out of your comfort zone.

Although I try to surround myself with a diverse group of people, my village is so much more than a way to diversify my world. Marriage. Kids. Career. Life. It is hard. (There, I said it.) There is no way that I can successfully navigate it all. And the African proverb tells me that is a good thing. I am pretty capable alone, but taking a friend’s offerings for help makes things easier — and often even better.

Use the quilt strategy when building your community, your village. Of course, you don’t want all the people in your group to have the same attitude (colors). We’re not necessarily seeking consenting opinions. Sometimes, when we see a person, just like the material for a quilt, we look at the whole person instead of seeking out the part that makes them extraordinary. It is this extraordinary trait that will enhance your village and make it grow.

So, the next time someone uses the phrase, “It takes a village,” don’t think of it as a commentary on your limited ability to survive alone; instead respond with, “Yes, it does, and isn’t that wonderful.”

You may also enjoy reading The Importance of Community Service in Shaping the Values of Our Children by Judy Marano

The post It Takes a Village: A Look at the Parental Community from Africa to Your Home appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Understanding the shifting balance of familial influence as we age allows us to more fully embrace quality time with loved ones.

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I was lucky enough to be a stay-home mom when my children were tiny. I do not take for granted that I could spend 24 hours a day with my twins. While I relished the time home, the reality is, even though I was home all day, I was not playing, holding, cuddling my children the whole time. That would be impossible unless you wanted the house as you knew it to fall apart around you.

What matters is not the time spent but the quality of that time.

I had plenty of time with my children, and though the working moms I knew had fewer hours at home during the day with their children, I observed that they made that time before and after work count. They took advantage of their time and used it intentionally. I would even venture to say that hour for hour, we probably spent the same amount of quality time with our children. Let’s focus on that quality time.

During the early years, quality time is primarily determined by the parents, of course. We decide when and what the activities should be. If you are keeping score, the scheduling of the quality time rests solely with you — 100% of the time.

When children enter school, they are aware enough to realize that they can decide (in some cases) whether they want to spend time with us. Sometimes a child will even ask their parents to do something together. And boy, does that make us feel like wonderful, wanted parents. As a matter of fact, we brag to our friends about the times our children initiated activities. We don’t talk about the rest of the day. In my humble opinion, the dynamic moves slightly 90% us-10% them.

Then comes another shift, this one more profound than the last. After college, children begin their own lives finding time for their work, friends, and parents.

Not by accident, family may be last on the list. We can ask, but the reality is, based on geography, socioeconomics, and demographics, we have less control over the time spent together, so we learn to be patient and wait for an opening or an invitation. The good news is that time is mutually rewarding as you are now equal parts parent and friend. This moment in time is where my children are right now, and I value, relish, enjoy every moment that we spend together, albeit not nearly enough for my liking. Another change, 30% us-70% them.

As life continues and your children marry and have children of their own, the change in quality time is expected but still hard to get used to. Now they are initiating most of the time having the kids spend time with the grandparents while waiting for those small openings to invite a quality interaction: Us 40%, them 60%.

Now that my children are grown, and the raising part is mere memories, we can interact as adults, both parties are equal, 50%-50%. I think of my mom and me. We both initiate visits. We want to spend time together, and our conversations are thoughtful and mutually rewarding. We find ourselves sharing laughter and asking for advice. What better way to negotiate your life successfully than to ask the one person who not only has been there and done it but has done it with grace.

We want to believe that this relationship will stay that way forever. None of us want to think about our parents getting old.

But the earth keeps rotating and time continues to move on. For me, the cycle of life and changing connection was driven home one day while walking by the reservoir. A car pulled up, and an older gentleman meandered out and headed for the waterline. He was followed by a 50-something son quickly exiting the car and grabbing two chairs and two fishing rods from the back of the car.

I said, “Great day for fishing.” He responded with, “I take my father here every three weeks, to this exact spot. “Their Spot,” he called it. There, they sit, talk, “feed worms to the fish,” and enjoy each other’s company for a couple of hours. His story filled me with such joy. I quickly thought of the places that I could say are “our spots” with my mom and dad. I was pleased that a few spots jumped quickly to mind.

The effort for connection has made its final shift. Let’s call it children 70%, parents 30%.

We then find ourselves relying on our children to care for, entertain and support us. There is something so beautiful about a child caring for their elderly parents.

Aging is inevitable. As such, there will come the point where we, as parents, require more and more care, and the final stage of our relationships with our children will, hopefully, involve 100% effort from our children. There is a beautiful circularity in this experience, something that is unique to humans. While aging is feared here in the west, we can look at how other cultures revere their elderly. These precious family members live with their children and extended family and are seen as the voice of the family. Their life knowledge and opinions are respected and honored, even while bodies age and weaken. I am not implying that we must shift western society to the filial piety seen in other parts of the world. However, the recognition and acceptance of the cyclical nature of the relationship between parent and child helps us come to terms with the fact that the give and take of relational effort must change. It is expected, it is healthy, and it is part of the circle of life.

You may also enjoy reading The Complex Rules for Raising Adult Children: From Protector to Guide by Judy Marano

The post The Circle of Life as Measured by Quality Time with Family appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

As adults, many of us have experienced the profound benefits of meditation; but the benefits for children are equally significant.

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When we practice meditation and mindfulness in our own lives, we often find that the release of stress and negativity and the emerging clarity of thought are healing forces, bolstering our emotional and personal wellbeing. 

In the same way that these moments of peace help us to access our own coping skills and be better and more present parents, our children can benefit cognitively and emotionally from learning about and practicing meditation; truly, it is an ideal tool for achieving whole-family wellness.

Both in the classroom and at home, science has shown that meditation supports children in the development of a number of important personal skills. These are linked with behavioral and academic achievements as well as milestones of emotional maturity.

Meditation and Sense of Self

Personal identity is a tremendous part of how we conduct ourselves at any age, and a stable sense of identity is an important part of good mental health. 

Normally, the development of self-identity begins during childhood, as kids form peer relationships and discover the things they like and don’t like. The time during which personal identities begin to emerge, typically around ages 8 or 9, can be socially challenging for kids — bullying and teasing are common, and the journey toward finding true friends and feeling confident and positive about their identity can be rocky. 

A study regarding the impact of meditation education on childhood spirituality performed in a number of schools in one Melbourne diocese revealed that time spent getting in touch with the self via meditation can positively impact childhood identity development. One development that educators observed in participating students was an improvement in sense of self. (source)

Meditation and Coping with Acute Stressors

The ability to cope with tough situations with pragmatism and strength is not inborn, it is taught by example and learned through experience. Though we try our best to shelter our children from difficult and scary times, sometimes it’s not possible — the terminal illness of a loved one, the recent COVID-19 pandemic, or a severe, destructive weather event, for example.

Without the proper tools to process these emotions children may find themselves feeling angry, sad, upset and out-of-control for longer, overarching periods of time.

One of the most pertinent parts of meditation is the use of mindfulness, which encourages us to allow thoughts and emotions to flow free and be processed naturally; by letting go and giving in to this experience, calm and stress relief can be found even during crisis.

In a meta-analysis of studies on meditation and mindfulness published in the Irish Journal of Psychological Medicine, the stress-relieving benefits of meditation have been suggested as a useful coping tool for children facing acute situations of crisis. (source)

Meditation and Improved Focus

When children struggle to maintain focus in the classroom, suffering grades and impacted relationships are a subsequent reality. Any child can suffer from occasional issues with focus if they’re excited, uncomfortable, or upset, but some kids have more impactful and consistent difficulty with taking it slow, paying attention, and keeping their mind on the task at hand, even when things are relatively calm.

Meditation and mindfulness, often touted by advanced practitioners as legitimate tools for restoring the ability to focus, have been scientifically validated to have the same benefit for children; this is likely because meditation prompts mindfulness via parts of the brain engaged in executive functioning, we pull the mind back from distractions and return focus onto the objects of our choice. After a study in which meditation education was introduced to 31 Australian Catholic schools, proctors noted improved ability to focus as one of the benefits gained by the practice.

Meditation and Emotional Self-Regulation

When healthy adults feel anger, sadness or overwhelm, we use coping tools to feel our experiences, process them, and then express them in a (hopefully) effective way. Learning to do this happens through lived experience, and it’s important to remember that these ‘big’ emotions can leave kids feeling out of control (with emotional expressions to match). 

Successful self-regulation is a milestone of emotional maturity, and some children reach it far more easily than others (some of us are still working on it).

One meta-analysis of studies on school-based meditation practices has linked meditation with improvements in emotional self-regulation, as using mindfulness to process, experience, and let go of emotional upsets can endow children with coping skills that are valuable in the long term. (source)

Meditation and Quality-of-Life Improvements for Children with ADHD

Parents of children with ADHD are likely all too familiar with the academic, social, personal, and health challenges that come with it. Inability to focus, poor sleep patterns, diminished quality of relationships, and related stress, anxiety, and depression can become dominant, causing unintended negative impact to parents and children alike.

Numerous studies have correlated meditation and mindfulness with likely improvements in quality of life for children and families coping with ADHD. In one meta-analysis reviewing meditation’s potential benefits as a behavioral and health intervention in schools, improved focus and reduced forgetfulness were cited as likely impacts of practicing meditation.

An additional study assessing children with ADHD during participation in biweekly sessions of meditation using Sahaja yoga revealed that participating children experienced improved sleep patterns and an improved quality of relationships with family and friends. (source).

But like so many things, meditation has to be practiced. Try it for a few minutes a day with your kiddo and see what happens!

You may also enjoy reading Mindfulness in the Classroom: Learning from the Inside Out, by Laura Bakosh.

The post Meditation as a Path to Whole Family Wellness appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Small changes in daily living can create major impact in environmental stewardship — and leave you feeling happier and healthier in the process.

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By choosing to lead a more sustainable lifestyle, you are benefiting yourself and everyone in the world around you. Not only are you doing your part to help the environment, but you are also improving your own body and mind. It’s true. The long-term changes that you decide to make today will reduce the negative triggers that hamper our world, and they will also cleanse you as a person, making you healthier and avoiding the toxins that can bog you down.

The greatest part is that you don’t always have to make radical changes to help yourself and the environment. Sometimes, something as simple as shopping locally or changing how you get to work can make a world of difference. Let’s talk about some changes you can start today that will make you a happier and healthier person overall.

Reduce Your Consumption

One of the main components of living more sustainably is learning to avoid waste and reduce your consumption as you go through your everyday life. Think about how you can avoid temporary solutions like drinking out of plastic cups and water bottles and make a more permanent resolution like buying a reusable water bottle that you can use every day to eliminate waste. Also, think about the paper you print at work. Is there a way to email the information to your coworkers so you don’t create more paper that will eventually be thrown away? These simple changes can make a big difference over time.

The vast amount of manufacturing and factories that make the things we use every day have a major negative impact on our environment, so think about how you buy and use less unnecessary goods. The easiest way to do this is by donating the stuff you no longer use so other people can use what already exists instead of buying newly made items. 

Once you grow out of your clothes, donate them so someone else can wear them. If you grow tired of lamps and home decor, you can donate that as well. Not only will these actions reduce the manufacturing process, but cleaning the house and reducing clutter have also been found to improve mental health.

The way you clean also impacts the environment and your own health. Many cleaning products contain harmful chemicals such as formaldehyde and ammonia, which can hurt living creatures (like humans) and maybe cause major health problems down the road… not to mention that they fill the air with these same dangerous chemicals that are harmful to the environment. Instead, use eco-friendly products that reduce pollution, are non-allergenic, and may even save you a few dollars.

Improve the Home Around You

When you include long-term sustainability changes into your home, you can wake up every day knowing that you have done your part to make the world a better, healthier place. The positive changes that you make can start small, from installing low-flow showerheads to changing all of your lighting to LED bulbs. These changes will save wasted electricity and even add value to your home if you decide to sell. 

A major component of sustainability is increasing our energy independence through alternative power sources around the home. One of the easiest and most popular installing solar panels. These rooftop accessories can provide all the energy you need to light and power your home while using very little from the electric company. Although there are initial costs upfront, once the panels are operational, you will see a great reduction in your monthly energy costs. Further, there may well be government subsidized incentives or tax credits that substantially reduce your investment. When you are using the sun to power your home, you save valuable energy and reduce air and water pollution.

Even if alternative energy solutions are not possible in your home, there are other new habits that you and your family can begin today to cut down on unnecessary energy waste. For instance, you can use lights less often by moving your desk and office equipment closer to the window so you can utilize natural daylight instead. Turn off all electronics when you leave the room and unplug any that you don’t need when not in use. And please, teach your kids these lessons and they will carry them forward as they grow, saving the earth one generation at a time.

Change How You Travel

You can be a part of major environmental change by thinking differently about how you travel. When it comes to vacations, try to avoid flying whenever possible as planes create more negative carbon than any other mode of transportation. Instead, consider traveling by train or carpooling so fewer vehicles are involved. If you must fly, pack lightly as less weight on the plane equals fewer carbon emissions.

How about saving energy in your everyday life? Is it possible to ditch your car altogether? If your job is close enough, consider riding your bike each day. Doing so will avoid pollution and cycling is also great for stimulating your cardiovascular and respiratory systems. Riding your bike (like all exercise) is good for your mental health, as well as your physical, so do it as much as you can!

If you do not have the option to bike to work, you can cut down on your vehicle emissions in other ways, especially when you go shopping. When you need to buy food, clothing, or anything else, consider shopping locally. Visiting local establishments will not only cut down on your travel time, but these smaller organizations typically also use local ingredients and parts so they don’t require large truck shipments from across the country, and thus, they create a smaller carbon footprint.

If you are looking to start a new sustainable lifestyle, there is no time like the present. Try some of the tips above and you will feel good knowing you are helping the planet while staying in shape physically and mentally at the same time.

You may also enjoy reading The Extraordinary Physical and Mental Benefits of Spending Time in Nature by Jori Hamilton

The post Long Term Changes to Live More Sustainably appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Traveling with kids can be… well… a challenge, but with a little planning, can also bring tremendous joy and lasting memories.

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Traveling with kids can be fun (really!). Whether for the first time or the tenth, it can be also be daunting, but you can make it more meaningful and enjoyable for both you and your kids. Children start to remember their vacations at around 5 to 6 years. Although we may not recall every detail of our childhood, for many, family vacations hold a special place in our hearts. And while your kids won’t remember everything, still those moments become a part of who they are. 

Whether it’s the Great American Roadtrip or a destination resort you’re heading to, here are some tips to keep you both sane during your journey.

Have a Budget

The best way to travel with kids is to start with a budget. Some people think traveling with their children must be expensive — but it doesn’t have to be a runaway train. Stick to your budget by adopting certain habits. For example, if you want to make your vacation more affordable, consider eating in. Eating out is one of the easiest ways to rack up your expenses while traveling. If you’re camping, carry your own food from your local market and use your savings for special treats like coffee at local cafes and ice cream. It’s also worth mentioning to choose your destinations wisely, as different communities can vary widely in the cost of accommodations, entertainment and food.

Booking Your Flight

For many parents, flying with kids can be frustrating or even embarrassing. The first step is planning (notice a pattern?); for instance, before booking your flight, consider the seats and flight schedule. Ensure that your young ones sit together and the flight schedule is consistent with their routine. Be cautious about red-eye flights; they leave late at night and arrive early in the morning. These flights are painful for most adults, but especially for kids. Be mindful of the flight schedule; the last thing you want to do is bring cranky toddlers on a red-eye. If you have no other choice than to fly overnight, plan to make some adjustments. Eat before the flight so you can relax and worry about one less thing. Ensure that your young ones are comfortable and ideally, tired come boarding time.

Packing

Make a list of all essential items, so you don’t leave some behind. A key tenet when traveling with children is to be organized. Don’t leave anything to chance; plan ahead. You’re not just packing for yourself; it’s not only throwing toiletries and a few clothes in a suitcase and getting your passport. When you have toddlers, you have to think about the whole family; you have to pack essential items like travel-size children’s toothpaste, wet wipes, diapers, and baby formula. Make a list and check off every essential item you pack. If your children are older, you can buy them children’s travel bags with wheels to carry their items like their favorite toys. Involve your kids in the process of selecting clothes and packing their bags.

Choose the Best Travel Destinations

To have an awesome trip, do some research on the best travel destinations for young families. Think about what your family enjoys; for instance, if you are into water sports, you could visit a destination with a beach or waterfall. If you want to learn about culture, take your family to places where they will get a glimpse of the old and modern world. You can also explore places with warmer climates or go on a trip inspired by nature. Whatever your destination, seek out the best spots, especially those reviewed favorably by parents of young ones.

Explain to Your Kids

It’s important to introduce your youngsters to the trip, especially if this is their first time. When children are uncomfortable, they can’t be expected to enjoy the trip. Go over what to expect and new things they may encounter; this will help them understand the journey at each point. Tell them what to expect at the airport, plane, and destination. Top Mom is a helpful resource for kid gear that can make your life a little easier.

A Word on Etiquette

Of course, when travelling with children, it’s important to be considerate of those around you. However, don’t feel as though you need to please every nearby passenger beyond common courtesy. Some people simply don’t like being around children, and that’s really their problem, not yours. And often, there are circumstances at play beyond issues of ‘good behavior’. For instance, if your toddlers are cranky, it doesn’t mean that they are doing it on purpose. They might be hungry or their ears may hurt from cabin pressure changes, or they might have a fever (having some children’s pain reliever/fever reducer on hand is a good idea!).

Bond as a Family

Make the trip better by bonding; give your kids various responsibilities. One of the best ways is to assign duties like reading maps, which gives them a sense of self-worth and confidence. It also helps them to make quick decisions and you know where they are and what they are doing at all times.

Safety

Apart from deciding when to travel with kids, you also have to consider their safety. Always keep track of your youngsters no matter where you are. Be wary of small distractions; one second, you look away, and the next second, your daughter may be causing chaos in a nearby shop. If you’re traveling with your spouse or partner, you could assign parent duties or have your older kids watch the younger ones. Of course, never let your kids do certain things by themselves that may pose a risk, such as starting a campfire or wondering off unattended. You may also want to have a travel children’s toilet seat, which can be safer and easier during travel.

It’s important to bring a car seat — you don’t drive with your kids without a car seat at home; this also applies when you travel. If you plan to hire or rent a car but don’t know where to get a car seat, make your trip easy by bringing your own. Most car rentals provide car seats, but you should confirm before your trip.  

Entertainment

When you think about why you want to travel with kids, it’s all about showing them new experiences and learning about different cultures. But also think about the journey itself; bring entertainment gadgets to keep them busy — this reduces the boredom and makes the trip more fun. Of course, video games and movies on a tablet or smartphone can keep them entertained for hours, but old-fashion word games and stories, and even the classic alphabet game are fun pastimes that everyone can participate in.

Bring a Camera

This may come as a surprise in the age of smartphones, but a camera can be a wonderfully engaging and creative tool for children. You don’t have to give your kids a fancy camera; a simple and durable one will do. Having a camera separate from a phone is both technologically interesting and also keeps them focused on the task of creating pictures, without all the other distractions on a phone. If they are too young, let them help you use your own camera or the camera on your phone.

The act of taking pictures helps youngsters take notice of and focus on their surroundings. They might even capture a masterpiece! They can see the lovely landscape, architecture, and crowds with fresh eyes.

Traveling with kids can be a bit chaotic, even if you’re used to it. Yet, it can be incredibly fun and memorable as you see the excitement on their faces. That said, a little advance planning will go a long way toward ensuring a great trip for everyone.

You may also enjoy reading Family Time: 6 Tips for Creating & Maintaining Strong Family Bonds by Nora Mark

The post A Guide for Traveling with Kids Because Life Shouldn’t Stop! appeared first on BEST SELF.

Humans are social beings and community is a necessary component of physical health — even in a virtual world

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Before the pandemic, I was a member of a local gym, and a big motivator for me to show up to class each week was knowing I would see my buddies. We’d send group texts or Facebook chats to each other: “Who’s in next Sunday morning?”

Knowing I would see those familiar faces or have someone to save me a spot in the studio was always a major draw, and a big reason to smile once I made it through the door.

While fitness is an important aspect of my identity, it’s not everything. Most adults have multiple identities and show up differently in different social circles. A mother of young kids, a breast cancer survivor, a software executive, a fabric artist — we can be many things to many people. Identity is defined internally and reinforced externally by others through the social circles we inhabit. 

Friends Who Work Out Together…

Working out isn’t just about working out. Group classes provide a social outlet and shared experience to build relationships upon. Exercise psychologists particularly recognize the power of social factors in motivating people to build enduring fitness regimens. While not everyone is socially motivated in fitness, a good number of us are. 

Multiple studies point to the power of social factors in relation to fitness. Psychologists who study the science of healthy habit formation showcase how relationships with others who have shared goals help keep us on the right path. At my gym, we called these friends our “accountability buddies.” We relied on each other for check-ins to stay committed to a goal, for as long as it took to turn a behavior into an intrinsic habit. As 2020 began, my fitness community felt invincible. The next 12 months, of course, would put it all to the test. 

COVID Changed Things…

Can a communal fitness experience flourish in a virtual world? We were forced to find out when the pandemic struck last spring. By early April of 2020, 48 out of 50 states had forced gyms to shutter. As a direct result, IHRSA (International Health & Racquet Club Association) estimates 15 percent of gyms in the U.S. had gone out of business by September 2020. The outlook was bleak — for studio owners, for trainers, for clients. For everyone.

In a post-COVID world where sweating together has been long prohibited, fitness communities have had to evolve. We’ve been forced to question the constructs of these brick-and-mortar-studio-based communities in the first place.  

Our habits are changing rapidly. A survey of 3,500 Americans by The New Consumer and Coefficient Capital reported that 76% of people tried working out at home during COVID—and importantly, 66% now prefer it to gym-based workouts. TD Ameritrade found that 59% of Americans don’t plan to return to their gym after the pandemic. Gyms and fitness studios as we know them could become a thing of the past. 

New Communities…

Here’s a silver lining, though: fitness social networks are no longer constrained by geography. You can now easily connect with people all over the globe for livestream fitness classes of all types. For me personally, there’s something magical about being able to take a Friday Cardio Dance class with my sister, when she lives over five hours away! I love feeling like I’m visiting her in her home, seeing her gummy black kitty and my four-year old nephew in the background, and just being together doing something joyful and soul-restorative.

In 2021, we’re discovering that social cohesion, bonding and shared purpose can extend beyond geographical limits.

The power to meaningfully connect across the virtual space is a key part of the bande ethos. If you take one of bande’s live-streamed classes, you’ll notice that the video feeds are two-way, and for good reason. Instructors carefully monitor form and provide cues, motivation, and humor to ensure every participant has not only an effective workout, but an authentic and inclusive experience. There are plenty of opportunities for pre-class and post-class chats, too — you might get to know someone amazing by showing up early and lingering afterwards. The “accountability buddy” network is still available. 

The world has changed — and we’ve all had to change with it. But even though the setting for my fitness journey isn’t the same, the friendships I’ve forged haven’t. Those group texts are still coming through. “Who’s in next Sunday morning?”  

You may also enjoy Morning Yoga & Meditation for Energy, Awareness and Intention with Carter Miles

The post Redefining Fitness and Community in a Post-Covid World appeared first on BEST SELF.

When her husband contracts a devastating health condition, one woman discovers her latent strengths and true self

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Sometimes the most unexpected things happen. Like witnessing snow fall on a seemingly cloudless day. Most of the time we wonder aloud before making minor adjustments to accommodate. “Look, it’s snowing!” we exclaim with our noses to the window before going back to what we were doing. These unexpected things don’t often change our lives drastically.

Except when they do.

Like the day in 2019 when my otherwise healthy husband was diagnosed with Guillain-Barre Syndrome. One day we were a busy young family, juggling our careers, school, extracurricular activities, and in the process of getting adjusted to the recent addition of our fourth child. The next day we were a family torn apart as the disease wreaked havoc on my husband’s peripheral nervous system. Guillain-Barre Syndrome is a rare autoimmune disorder that shuts down the body from limb to core in severe cases. He became a quadriplegic on a ventilator practically overnight.

Many of us structure our lives around doing our best to avoid or (at least) ease into these major changes. We schedule preventative healthcare checks, wear our seatbelts, and save money for retirement. We strive for safety and stability because the alternative has the potential of causing the people, places, and things in our lives to slide away and disappear, making our deep rooted connections to them—the ones we rely on—rip apart painfully. This kind of separation creates a dizzying loneliness. A naked vulnerability. 

It’s hard to think about who we are without the other.

My husband’s case of Guillain-Barre Syndrome was severe, so I assumed the role of caregiver and advocate for nearly a year. I worked to salvage my husband’s life both literally and metaphorically while also shepherding my children through their coping process. I balanced my own grief in my downtime, often shifting it to the recessed corners of my mind for the sake of convenience. I thanked God for my family, friends, and community who demonstrated incredible kindness in our time of difficulty.

When my husband was first whisked to the ICU, I cried and said, “I don’t know who I am without him.” Out of necessity, I went on to learn just that. I discovered that I was stronger than I previously thought.

The situation required me to lead my family in a new way. While my husband was forced to sacrifice all control after losing the ability to move, breathe, communicate, eat, go to the bathroom, blink his own eyes, or even hold onto the knowing that he would regain these abilities, I was forced to become his voice, represent his humanity, and advocate for his care. I had to hold space for our children so they could accept within themselves the torrent of feelings that rushed through their minds and hearts. I had to consider long-term consequences of the illness and be prepared to pivot into our future.

I cleared my throat when I was required to speak on behalf of my husband. I found my voice when I was required to become the narrator of our lives. In this personal tragedy, I had to set the narrative because the unexpected begs questions from everyone. What happened? Why did this happen? What is going to happen next? If I didn’t set the narrative, the void would naturally be filled by others. Then I’d have to try someone else’s understanding of our lives on for size. What if it didn’t fit?

I didn’t have answers to most questions, but I knew I had to communicate. Our children looked to me, and our family, friends, co-workers, clients, and community did the same. But it wasn’t natural for me to step into this role. I was a private person. I typically either internalized my experiences or shared with only a select few. For context, I’m the person who didn’t announce her pregnancies because I was uncomfortable with the fuss. The pregnancies announced themselves.

When I finally found the way to communicate, I shared our situation publicly on a CaringBridge journal, a website specifically designed to relay health journeys. Journaling helped me deal privately. Sharing my words publicly allowed me to be vulnerable while maintaining control at the same time. It allowed me to set the narrative with clear, measured, and honest words. To frame our situation in power, hope, and light.

Initially, I wrote to update those who cared about my husband’s progress, but it wasn’t long until I realized that I was doing it for another reason. To explore our wholeness.

My husband regained the ability to function independently after nearly a year of in-patient therapy. It was like watching a slow motion miracle unfold. He shed his ventilator, catheter, gastrointestinal tube, wheelchair, walker, cane, and leg braces until he eventually walked back home, ready to take on the second half of his life.

I continued writing upon his return. I wrote as a catharsis, a way to sort out the tangle of emotions caused by the whirlwind of trauma. I wrote to capture our harrowing life experience so our children could someday examine it with adult eyes, too. I wrote as a way to share perspective and bring my family back together.

My writing evolved into a book entitled The Other Side of Us: A Memoir of Trauma, Truth, and Transformation. It pulls back the curtain and catalogs our transition from the Before to the After of our lives.

Only two years after my husband’s diagnosis, I look back and wonder. Our unexpected life detour brought us pain and loss…as you might expect. But it also brought new growth. It revealed new dimensions of ourselves. It seemed to chisel us into who we really are…this was unexpected. What if the universe intends to shape us into our true form through our experiences, even the painful ones?

What if we trust that everything is for us in some mysterious way?

If I had a choice, The Other Side of Us is not the book I would have written. The disease genre is not my preferred reading material. In fact, because of the emotional hangover I experience as a result, I steer away from it at all costs. I prefer books that deal in psychology and spirituality, information that inspires deep thought and growth and perspective. But, while I did not choose my book exactly, I was meant to write it. And, turns out, it deals in psychology and spirituality, as well as information that inspires deep thought and growth and perspective. Maybe everything is connected after all.

You may also enjoy reading Weeds of Opportunity: Finding Solace and Soul Connection in the Dirt of Life, by Kristen Noel

The post Finding My Voice: The Unexpected Silver Lining in a Traumatic Life Chapter appeared first on BEST SELF.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Spring is a great time to renew your practices for — and commitment to — sustainability in daily living

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In the fall of 2020, then-presidential-candidate Joe Biden referred to the upcoming colder months as a “very dark winter.” Now that those dangerous months are officially behind us, it’s time to move forward into a more hopeful spring.

As we all prepare for the warmer weather, it’s important to recalibrate. One area that was often back-burnered in the rush to stay safe was sustainability. Here are a few ways to help put eco-friendly habits back in the spotlight as you enjoy the sunny weather, warm breezes, and fresh smells of the next few months.

Clean Sustainably

One of the easiest ways to stay sustainable this spring is by using the right cleaning products. The beginning of the warmer season is renowned for its effect to inspire individuals to dust, mop, scrub, and otherwise clean their living spaces. This desire to give your space a spring cleaning is a good one.

However, it can also lead to filling your home with layers of harmful chemicals and clouds of noxious fumes. Many commercial and industrial cleaners use very powerful ingredients — and make no mistake, they can clean a surface like nobody’s business. However, they can also harm your skin, your lungs, your loved ones, and the Earth itself.

If you want to keep the Earth in mind while you’re cleaning your space, it’s wise to swap out the overpowered cleaners for gentler (though often still very effective) green alternatives. Many benefits come with using eco-friendly cleaning products in your home, such as:

• Reducing pollution;
• Preserving your possessions longer;
• Helping protect your skin and guard against allergies;
• And even saving money (for instance, vinegar is a popular natural cleaner).

While green cleaners are great, it’s important to do your homework before you buy. Review each brand and product to see if they genuinely stick to their commitment to sustainability. While you’re at it, also take the time to see if each product is actually effective according to consumer reviews so that you know whether or not it can get the job done.

Repurpose with Larger Projects

Sometimes that spring cleaning itch can really take off. When that happens, you can find yourself doing more than simply scrubbing floors and swapping out clothes.

The spring can be the perfect time to tackle larger projects like building a porch, repairing a roof, or putting up a fence. If that’s the case for you, make sure to do your best to be sustainable as you do so. You can do this by:

• Repurposing old and unused construction materials;
• Asking manufacturers if there are discarded or overflow material options that will otherwise be thrown away;
• Making sure to use eco-friendly building materials whenever you can.

If you decide to hire a professional contractor to do a larger project, you can still add a splash of green to the activity by looking for an eco-conscious company to hire. Many contractors have made an effort to clean up their act by sourcing materials, improving transparency, and engaging in corporate social responsibility initiatives.

If you do go the professional route, though, be careful who you hire. Many companies will practice greenwashing in their marketing without really making an effort to adjust how they do business. Greenwashing professes to practice sustainable and eco-friendly processes while continuing to use the same harmful ones “behind closed doors.”

Get That Garden Going

Sustainability with your food intake is the number one way that you can lower your carbon footprint. This means patronizing eco-friendly brands every time you step foot in a grocery store all year round.

However, in the spring, there is another way that you can beef up your earth-friendly food sourcing efforts: by planting a garden. There are endless personal and communal benefits of gardening. However, the other natural side effect of a well-tended plot of land is that it can help you operate more sustainably.

By growing food right in your own backyard, you can reduce the number of food miles for some of your groceries to zero. Additionally, the cultivation of plants can improve air quality while simultaneously helping you maintain a more mindful attitude toward the Earth that we all share.

Getting into a Green Mindset This Spring

From cleaning to planting to building, many activities take place in the spring. All of these are very rewarding, but they also have a lot of potential to be harmful to the Earth.

If you want to approach the spring with a sustainable mindset, take the time to do things like purchase green cleaning supplies or hire an eco-friendly contractor. This doesn’t just reduce the impact of each activity. It can also help you reorder your priorities as you attempt to pick back up with the important things in life in a post-pandemic world.

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Here’s a resource describing many types of gardens…I’m sure there will be some surprises in there!

You may also enjoy reading Sustainability & Purpose: Living In Concert with Our Ecology and Humanity, by Bill Miles including an interview with Leif Skogberg.

The post Approaching Spring with a Sustainable Mindset appeared first on BEST SELF.

I love to learn about people, their likes, belief, and desires — and believe we can all benefit by stretching out of our conversational comfort zone

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We are an efficiency-based country. Outside of our circle, we view communication merely as transactional. If there is nothing to be gained, then why engage? 

Most of us go through life with blinders on. We move from place to place, eyes down or headphones in, trying hard to avoid strangers, interaction, and any conversation besides the small talk that is impersonal yet extremely common. Almost as a default, we smile and ask strangers, “How are you?” and then we want and expect to hear, “Fine.” Interaction over — without any real feelings or emotions being shared.

We can still find this deeper level of conversation, however. If you sit at the local barbershop or a salon, you will hear the patrons sharing stories of their families, politics, and religion. My son’s barber knew of his pending engagement before members of our family. What is about that environment where we are comfortable sharing with relative strangers? Is it that in your vulnerable position of being cared for, you feel a connection and comfortability?

Yet, an even smaller group of people exist who enjoy non-transactional, vulnerable conversations with strangers. I am one of those people. I love to get to that next level and learn about people, their likes, belief, and desires. In the grocery line, at the mall, a server in a restaurant. You make eye contact with me, and I can offer a witty comment or an invitation to engage. My children hate it. They always tell me to mind my own business, yet I am continually ignoring their suggestions.

Maybe the fear of a more profound connection comes from thinking we have nothing worth offering or that we will be seen as a nuisance…

This is a learned behavior that can probably be traced back to your childhood. Did a teacher say, “you aren’t adding anything,” were you bullied, did your parents value performance over praise? Without realizing it, these moments have a substantial effect on your grown-up self. Fortunately, the mind has the power to put things into perspective, and you can tell yourself that you are not the same person you were then. You have thoughts and opinions that are worth sharing. Share them.

For people who think they have something to say but are too shy to share it, their hesitation could result from embarrassment from not knowing what to say or blurting out something stupid. Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that can happen?” Trust me. I had had my share of people look at me strangely and hurriedly walk away. Yet, these isolated instances have not dissuaded me from trying again.

Perhaps it’s our ever-present fear of the unknown. 

You also never know what baggage someone is carrying that might prevent them from seeming open or even rebuff your approach. And it could be fair. We look at all the terrible news every day as proof that our fears are well-founded. But…

You deny yourself a chance to learn and grow each time you erect a wall between you and a potential new friend.

Recently, I was forced to wait in a two-hour voting line in the pouring rain. The stress and tension of the event were palpable. I could have easily kept to myself like the other people waiting, gazing stoically off in the distance or staring at the ground, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. But that is just not who I am. 

I searched my general area to find someone that I thought looked open to talk with me. Two hours is a long time to be silent. Fortunately, right in front of me stood a fifty-something gentleman. His hands were encrusted with dirt, his clothes were dirty, and I noticed the other people around me were giving him a wide birth. I could hear my husband uttering, “Ignore him.” And my son adding, “He is minding his own business.” I, however, saw the opportunity to try and make a new friend.

Just as I was thinking of some witty icebreaker, he said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we get to the front only to have someone tell us we are on the wrong line?” That is precisely the kind of conversation starter I would have used. This was serendipity, a like-minded man with an invitation to spend the next few hours in conversation. And boy, was I glad I did. This man was well-read and knowledgeable on topics ranging from literature to comic books. Our talk was spirited and funny and heartwarming, and then we reached the front of the line and went our separate ways.

For most, this brief interaction may be considered a waste of time and energy. I will probably never see this man again, so there was no chance that our encounter would lead to a deeper relationship. But to me, it was a lesson in the power of learning from strangers.

I left with new ideas, some interesting perspectives on old ideas, and even a few book titles.

My experience reminded me that there are many good reasons to engage with new people, the most important being a willingness to explore a human connection, leading to a deeper trust. Start with small talk. I am not saying we need to jump into our deepest thoughts. Just dip your toe into the realm of trust and slowly wade into a more intense sharing of ideas.

We need to learn to be open and trusting in the most non-threatening way. Rarely will one’s life be dramatically altered by engaging in banter with a stranger. But it could be the foundation for deeper connections or friendship. It is an opportunity to make a first impression, and we all know, “you only get one chance to make a good first impression.”

Humans are herd animals that crave connection with others. But if we continue to limit our circle to only those we know, our connections can get old and stale. Think about our Instagram or Facebook feeds. Social media is an echo chamber designed to reinforce your own beliefs. That is one of the reasons, so many people rely on it. But how many times can we talk about the same topics with the same people? Where is the opportunity to practice our opening lines, work on our witty banter or partake in some verbal volleying?

We need to break the cycle that exists and take responsibility for teaching others the importance of connections. 

I remember telling my children when they were young, “Do not talk to strangers.” For some people, they carry this childhood lesson deep into their adulthood. It is not supposed to be like that. Once we mature and can discern danger, we need to be able to engage with the world. Ignoring these brief social opportunities is missing out on creating connections and enhancing their lives as well as our own. Simply think of this instead: if you don’t talk to strangers, you could be missing out on meeting your new best friend, business partner, or love of your life. 

What are you waiting for?

You may also enjoy reading Finding Solace in Silence by Judy Marano

The post Beyond Small Talk: Becoming Willing to Explore Deeper Conversation and Connection appeared first on BEST SELF.

The pandemic has disrupted life and norms across the globe; so now what? What shifts will you bring to your life?

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It goes without say that this pandemic has altered life as we know it. This comes as no surprise to anyone at this point. But what we hear more often than not is “when things go back to normal” or how this is our “new normal.” But how does this serve us? Where exactly are we headed?

What will life look like on the other side? The answer to all of these questions is directly related to the conscious decision about what we choose to take with us from this experience.

Where we’re going is consequential to how we’ve chosen to let this year transform us. It requires a very conscious decision to change, for better or worse. 

For most of us, back to normal isn’t an option. What we considered ‘normal’ from days past, we’ve come to learn wasn’t actually working so well. This passage has served as a detox for us as well as the world, and as is true with any detox, the guck has come up to the surface to be cleansed so that our systems may heal and rejuvenate. We’ve seen, possibly with new eyes or even for the first time, the racial injustice, the gender inequality and exclusiveness. We’ve reaped the benefits that distancing ourselves from toxic relationships, as well as the unconscious boundaries this pandemic has brought forth. 

We’ve become aware of the separation within our society, as well as within the superficial relationships that exist within our lives as distancing causes them to begin to dissolve. We’ve seen the strength of our love and our connections to people with whom our souls and hearts are entangled. We’ve learnt the value of home, whatever that may look like. The value of time with loved ones. And for those who get to emerge from this passage with our loved ones by our sides, our love and compassion for others will be more important than ever. The passage unfolding before us will require a deeper sense of connectivity than we have ever known before. We will need to recognize the places where we are separate from each other as devices of the ego and reemerging fear from days gone.

We will need to alchemize the exclusiveness that is suffering — because no other is hurting as badly as we are, or because others surely have it worse than us and are hurting far deeper — into an inclusiveness of love and compassion. Because we’re all hurting and suffering in our own way, we are all straining, striving, and struggling to make it to the other side of this. We need to alchemize our suffering into a shared compassion and love for each other, because it is only that love and compassion that will guide us through this passage to where we desire to be.

Your pain and suffering is uniquely yours; the state of suffering however, the act of being in pain, is global. It’s part of our shared humanity.

The depth of our pain and the magnitude of the pain of others does nothing to invalidate our experience, but instead provides us with an opportunity to be a witness to each other’s pain and extend love and compassion far wider than we ever have before. 

What tools and practices aided us in navigating these uncertain times? We need to choose to not bury these in the depths of our psyche but to allow these to become part of a new regimen. Because we will need them where we are going. 

We have an unprecedented opportunity before us to take from this experience and passage the love, light, and compassion we have begun to cultivate or strengthen and use it to elevate our homes, families, and communities towards a brighter future. 

We can choose to go back to ‘normal’ and let the sickness and divisiveness re-permeate our lives, or we can choose to let this passage change us. We can choose the hard work of keeping our eyes open, of seeing and feeling through our new found awareness that which was broken and requires mending. We can choose to rebuild, to create new structures and systems that will serve ourselves and others, that will carry humanity forward. Towards something better. We can choose to let this passage bring us forward towards days that are brighter instead of recusing back to what we knew and what was comfortable. 

Will it be hard? Without a doubt. Will that comfort and safety of what we knew try to draw us back? Absolutely. Will our egos use fear of the unknown to try and detour into the madness that we once knew? Without question. But if this passage has done nothing else, it has shown us the madness for what it truly was. The fear of the unknown, the fear of what wasn’t understood, the fear of each other that kept us separate and in the dark in so many ways. This passage has brought the darkness to the light, but now it becomes our choice to remain in the light, to live in it and carry it with us into the areas that are still shrouded by darkness.

As you reflect upon this passage, ask yourself:

• Where do I want this passage to lead me?
• Who do I want to be on the other side of this?
• What has this passage brought to the light?
• What am I releasing?
• What tools, practices, devotions do I need to take with me?
• What needs to become part of my new ritual/regimen? 

Now we get to choose. Where are we heading? Where will this passage lead us? For the utopia we seek will only be found in our love and compassion, for each other and for ourselves. The radiance we seek will be the result of the grace and wisdom this passage has bestowed. Just as it has been with every other dark passage we have traversed in our lives. The only difference with this passage lies in its magnitude and inclusiveness. 

Because this time we aren’t traversing it alone.

You may also enjoy reading The Book of Your Life: The Transformative Power of Prose by Kelly Notaras

The post Back to Normal? New Normal? Where are We Heading? appeared first on BEST SELF.

This difficult year has taught me that every challenge has a solution — and also helped me kick the habit of wanting to be perfect

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It’s strange how quickly things can change. One minute you’re debating whether 2020 is the start of a new decade. The next you’re going through what feels like level 95 of JUMANJI, staring in shock as people hoard toilet paper and nonperishable goods.

In all seriousness, though, I’m sure that I’m not exaggerating when I say that this year has been life-altering.

But, in addition to all the stress, uncertainty, and unwelcome surprises, it also happened to give me a lot.

Not only did it allow me to stand back and contemplate the path of my life, but it also gave me the chance to take a look at who I was as a professional, as a partner, and most importantly, as a mom.

It turns out there’s a lot you can learn about parenting when the world is going nuts and you’re stuck at home with two school-aged boys.

In hindsight, I realize that the entire quarantine experience could have been much easier had I accepted sooner that extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures.

For the first few weeks, our whole family was struggling with keeping up our pre-lockdown routine. But as it turned out, between online school, lack of available childcare, and full-time jobs, my husband and I were barely staying afloat. If we were going to make it through the first month, something had to go.

From my friends’ experiences and rare glimpses into my Twitter timeline, I only saw two exits. One was to completely give up any hope of self-care for the foreseeable future and power through, not knowing when things would be back to normal. Or, I could give up my business and put all my energy towards being a yoga- and gardening-obsessed version of a Stepford wife.

As you can imagine, neither of the two choices seemed too appealing, so my husband and I decided to explore one last option.

Instead of allowing ourselves to go into a planning frenzy, we would take this time to relax as many of our house rules as possible.

The first thing to go was our rule about early wake-up times.

Sure, under regular circumstances, I’m all for that “rise and shine” mantra. I love waking up at 5:00am, sipping on my morning coffee in the dark, then going for a sunrise run around the block. I’m also quite insistent on preparing a healthy, nutritious breakfast for my boys every morning so that they’re energized and ready for school.

But here’s the deal. If you’ve got no place to send those boys and no time during the day to reset and recharge, this routine can only lead to burnout.

As the kids’ school moved to the dining room, we chose to delay their wake-up time by one hour. Sure, it doesn’t seem like much, but it actually meant a lot.

For one, both my husband and I could squeeze in our morning workouts or get a jump start on high-priority work tasks that required full concentration. Secondly, the kids were benefiting as well, getting an extra hour of rest, which can potentially improve their academic performance.

The second lesson I learned was that a once-a-week takeout treat doesn’t have to be the end of the world.

Yes, you read that right. As all my peers went into banana-bread-baking frenzies, I decided that it was time to back off from all that cooking.

No, this does not mean that I suddenly turned towards chicken nuggets and hot dogs as our main source of protein. I was still pretty insistent on wholesome nutrition, especially as it’s one of the building blocks of a strong immune system. However, I did allow myself some leeway by taking up meal-prep.

This means that on weekdays, things were ‘business as usual’. But instead of cooking from scratch, I was mainly putting together meals from ingredients I had prepared during the weekend. Every Saturday night, we’d choose a local restaurant and order in. Sometimes it was mouth-watering Moroccan food filled with veggies, olive oil, and colorful spice. Other times, it was good ol’ pizza.

Now, yes, my mornings were slightly more productive, and I was spending less time in the kitchen.

However, there was still the question of getting things done when the kids weren’t being entertained.

As hard as my husband and I tried, there were still times when both of us had to focus on work, and there was no one to watch the boys. In these cases, we decided that it was OK to allow some screen time. Sure, we would’ve preferred for the kids to spend this occasional hour or two reading a book or building with Legos. Unfortunately, those options are typically not as effective at keeping them entertained.

As the weeks went by, we got more skilled at handling everyday challenges and adjusting our schedules on the go.

But I must admit, the best decision we made was to call in reinforcements.

After the first couple of months of quarantine-mode came to an end, my husband and I realized that we needed more help. We were getting by, but there had to be more efficient ways of getting through the day.

With the lack of afterschool activities and playdates, our biggest concern was making sure that the kids were getting enough exercise. We’re lucky enough to have a backyard, but running after a ball is not the same as a supervised physical activity led by a professional.

What we did was enroll both boys in online classes — private karate lessons for the older one and gymnastics for our younger son. We also encouraged them to participate in workshops and even tried an online summer camp. None of these were the same as live face-to-face experiences. But in the end, they were better than nothing.

As we near the end of the year, things are still just as confusing as they were in March. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure we’ll be back to normal anytime soon. Nonetheless, I have considerably less anxiety about the future than I did at the beginning of the year.

You see, being a mom in 2020 taught me that every challenge has a solution.

And, perhaps even more importantly, it has helped me kick the habit of wanting to be perfect. In the grand scheme of things, I have accepted that allowing the occasional takeout burger, Saturday morning cartoon session, or Xbox family tournament won’t make me a bad parent.

On the contrary. 

It will make me a caretaker who knows that focusing on the important things involves much more than eating right and getting enough sleep. It also requires kindness, understanding, and, most of all, self-love.

You may also enjoy reading Real Talk: 6 Women Share How They’ve Been Navigating COVID-19 by Sweta Vikram

The post What I’ve Learned About Being a Mom in 2020 appeared first on BEST SELF.

If you want to make a difference in the world, don’t think you need to start big… just start somewhere

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Change is a slow, patient thing. It never comes overnight, it’s never obvious until it’s already there, and it’s never about one grand act. Change isn’t in a single gesture; it’s a million seemingly inconsequential ones. It lives inside us every single day and needs to be nurtured the way you would a growing child — with love, forbearance, and consistency.

Changing the world for the better takes time and resilience. While you might be able to improve someone’s life overnight with a single big act of kindness, if you want to be an advocate for goodness, justice, and tolerance throughout your whole life, you’ll need to start with yourself.

You’ll need to empower yourself and find your inner strength and tenderness. Here’s how.

Do a small act of kindness every single day

You don’t have to buy someone a house or give them your kidney to change their life. While grand acts of self-sacrifice are truly admirable, altruism actually isn’t nearly as grand or difficult as you might think.

The things that really bring about a change in the world are often tiny…

A compliment for your mother, a planted tree, extra coins in the vending machine for the person who comes after you. Even something as simple as leaving a nice comment on someone’s Facebook post. Yep, things as miniscule as those absolutely do matter.

Do acts of kindness like that every day and you’ll start nurturing a compassionate, positive mindset. It will give you the strength to keep the bright torch of hope lit even in the darkest of times.

Choose a rewarding path

The pandemic helped us put things into perspective. Now that millions of people are getting sick every day, many people are eager to explore careers in the medical field because they could give us the chance to make a real difference. Even current medical professionals are working on keeping their skills sharp with coronavirus preparedness ACLS and PALS courses, and everyone is doing their best to pitch in and help.

Of course, you don’t have to be a doctor or a nurse. There are many professions that are just as essential: firefighters, physical therapists, social workers, guidance counselors, psychotherapists… The list is long.

There are many ways to make a difference in this world, and all you need to do is choose the one that calls your name. 

Volunteer when you can

Choose a cause that matters to you. Perhaps you want to work in a homeless shelter, or maybe you want to provide emotional support and company in a nursing home. Anything from working with orphaned children to rehabilitating injured animals or protecting the environment is an option, so it’s best to pick something that’s close to your heart.

There’s never a shortage of people who need help, so even if you don’t want to get involved with an organization, you can give help to people in your own community. For example, you could offer to buy groceries for the elderly couple who lives next to you, or organize your friends for a cleanup initiative. The point is to give back, to think beyond your box, to do something that matters… and matters to you.

Reuse, repurpose, and recycle

We’re surrounded by fast, thoughtless consumerism that leads to a lot of waste. Instead of constantly buying new things that you don’t even need, try to be more thoughtful with the things you already own. For example, your old clothes can be repurposed to make something entirely new, and you even get to enjoy a little DIY project in the process. Clothes, food, toys, books, and other things can also be donated to your local shelter.

Also, try to invest in reusable items instead of relying on plastic that needs to be thrown away. If you do use a lot of plastic in your daily life, do your best to recycle it to minimize the harmful impact on the environment. 

Practices like this require small adjustments, but they actually make you feel good… and do a world of good, too!

Take care of yourself

To help others, you must help yourself first. Even though this might sound like a simplistic or even selfish suggestion, taking care of your needs is actually beneficial for other people, not just yourself.

Think about it — if you’re exhausted and drained, you won’t have any energy to make people’s lives better.

So, once you start working on helping others, remember to occasionally take time for yourself. If you ignore your own problems you’ll burn out quickly, and the point is to keep strong and positive for the long haul.

Don’t fall into a trap of thinking that changing the world is an impossible task. It’s not impossible, it’s just a long process. Remember that you’re not alone in it. Even if your friends and family aren’t as eager as you are to make a difference, there are plenty of kindred spirits out there who want to make this world a better place. Find them, surround yourself with them… be one of them.

You may also enjoy reading How to Thrive in Times of Change by Gary Douglas

The post Want to Create Change in the World? Here’s Where to Start appeared first on BEST SELF.

Interested in making a real impact on the planet? Consider working in the sectors of sustainability and clean energy transition

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Sustainability and environmentalism have become some of the most important topics discussed around the world in civil, governmental, and commercial realms. All around the world people are realizing the urgent need for positive environmental change for the sake of our survival, the future generations, and Mother Earth itself. You might not think that as an individual you can make a difference, but…

Truly, your choices do reshape the world according to the life you live.

If you choose to build your career around sustainability, you have the chance to make a positive impact on the world, and maybe even shift the industry you’re in. From educating the global audience on sustainability via digital media, to launching a sustainable business, all the way to joining leading research teams to drive innovation, the sustainability realm is full of possibilities for a bright and passionate mind. Here are the top ways you can build a career in sustainability and speed up the transition towards clean energy and a brighter future.

Become a sustainability consultant

The modern business world is making a rapid shift towards sustainable practices and a more eco-driven business model, prompted by societal pressure as well as new government regulations. Now that the incentive is so great for companies to adopt sustainability, you have a unique opportunity to help them achieve their goals faster. The role of a sustainability consultant is to help the top management in business develop strategies and tactics to implement better practices into every part of their business.

You will be working with business leaders in analyzing the unique strengths a business has and identifying opportunities to implement conservation, preservation, and more sustainable practices altogether. This way, you will play a key role in reshaping the modern business sector to become more caring towards Mother Earth.

Support various sustainable causes

As an individual and a leader of a company, you have an opportunity to support various sustainable causes and thus build a sustainable personal or corporate brand. Whether you do this with the help of a consultant or by yourself, you can start creating a long-term roadmap to change your personal habits and corporate processes to make them more eco-conscious, starting with energy conservation and clean energy consumption.

The road to conscious consumption in the business world can be long and winding, but if you take the time to craft comprehensive sustainability policies, you can effectively create a sustainable supply chain along with an eco-conscious employee collective. Consider making the switch to energy-efficient lighting and appliances, and then move towards adopting recycling and reusing policies. You can then start supporting local and global causes under the name of your brand.

Join leading research teams around the world

The STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) field is full of opportunities for young scientists on the rise, but also for passionate investors looking to invest in the next promising scientific innovation that will transform the world. One such powerful novelty that the rest of the scientific community is keeping a watchful eye on is the new triboelectric nanogenerator developed at the City University of Hong Kong (CityU) that uses slippery surfaces to harvest water energy and convert mechanical energy into electricity.

The triboelectric nanogenerator is one of many promising new scientific discoveries that aim to solve the rising problem of energy consumption on an overpopulated world. You can choose to pursue a career in this field as a researcher, or you can support promising research as an investor. Either way, you have the power to make a positive impact on the scientific world.

Become a science and sustainability communicator

We live in an age of global connectivity where technology has given a voice to everyone and allows us to be heard across the globe. This gives you the unique opportunity to become a sustainability communicator and educate a global audience using popular online platforms like YouTube and various social media networks. It’s also an opportunity to build a thriving business and a personal brand around sustainability by building a loyal following and a global audience. After all, time is running out and the world needs more people to be the voice of Mother Earth.

Support sustainability as a manufacturer

Last but definitely not least, if you do decide to build a company around sustainability, consider venturing into the manufacturing industry. Sustainable manufacturing is becoming all the rage and is set to take over the world in the years to come as people are in need of sustainable building materials and practices to help create a cleaner and eco-friendlier future. Currently, governments around the world are incentivizing manufacturers to go green, so now is the right time to get into the green manufacturing game.

Wrapping up

The world is in need of more passionate individuals who are willing to do what it takes to make a positive change. Whether you contribute to sustainability and the transition to clean energy through research or entrepreneurship, this is a golden age of opportunity to make the world a better place for the generations to come.

You may also enjoy reading Mother Nature’s Hourglass: A Biologist Reminds Us That Time Is Running Out by Dave Cannon

The post 5 Paths to a Career in Sustainability to Speed up the Clean Energy Transition appeared first on BEST SELF.

After successfully raising her children into adulthood, one mother now faces a new challenge — how to be a parent to adult children

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Ask me how to take care of children. I got you. Ask me how to raise good people with manners. A mix of structure and praise does the trick. But ask me how to be the mother of two grown young men. I am clueless.

There are about a million books that tell you how to raise your child, but the shelves are almost empty when looking for the Guide to a Relationship with Your Adult Children. Because let’s face it, you have already instilled in them all the lessons you can. Before they aged out, they would listen (even if they pretended not too) when you talked about life and obstacles to avoid. Now, they claim to have the answers. Your one job was to protect them until they could protect themselves. It is biological. Once an animal can hunt or fly on its own, it doesn’t need its mother for survival. While it seems so straight forward with animals…

How do we change the dynamic from one of protection to one of Guiding?

I must admit that these ideas only became prevalent as I found myself messing up regularly with my young adult sons. Inevitably, they would snap back at a comment I made and respond with something like, “Mom, I don’t need you to tell me that. I am an adult.” Followed by me feeling bad that I hurt their feelings and insulted their maturity.

Ugh! How am I supposed to take twenty-four years of behavior and change it on the dime? The tricky part of this transition is that my blooming adults are trying to get their footing. Like a baby learning to walk, they run as fast and as far as they can away from mom, but the minute they falter, they come running back for help. Only to push away again. Fortunately, it gets better after college when they find their stride. Then the problem is less of a “them” problem and more a “me” problem.

So, after much reading, talking, and listening, I think I have narrowed down the three most important aspects of raising an adult. 

These growing humans want to be seen, heard, and respected.

Let Them Be Seen

The fact is, our children are always going to be our babies, even when they are old and grey. But we need to see them as people. An excellent way to do this is to have a conversation about their likes and dislikes as if you were meeting for the first time. We accept new strangers into our fold regularly, so reintroduce yourself to this new version of your child. Find common ground. Figure out the activities you can partake in that are new. Try not to repeat the same stuff that you did when they were children because you will fall into the motherly role again. For example, my son took a liking to country music as he searched for genres that fit who he is now. So that apparent common ground was a concert and dinner as adults. We laughed and shared stories like two old friends.

Most importantly, when a new friend reaches out or shows concern for you, you say thank you. Try thanking your child for calling or for meeting you for dinner. Change the dynamic, change the outcome.

Let Them Be Heard 

Our adults are searching for the person they will be for the rest of their lives, and doing that, they need to take what they learned as children, keep what fits, but also find new outlets.

They are formulating ideas and values that may differ from the ones you have.

Remember that you have instilled in them values that have been reinforced since birth. Do not think they are going to turn a blind eye and suddenly become someone you are afraid of? They remember. But political, social, and religious values change. The key here is to listen with an open heart and mind. DO NOT express a judgment. That is a surefire way to shut down the conversation. Instead, ask questions about their ideas and show them you appreciate their sharing. For me, this was a lesson in religious beliefs.

My children were brought up Catholic, as was my and my husband’s families going back generations, long before we even set foot in America. So, when one of my sons announced that he was now going to be a Protestant, my initial feeling was one of failure. But then I heard his reason: he felt that the church did not accept his drive to study science, specifically genetics, genetic engineering, and evolution; he also felt that the Catholic church did not support many of the social policies he felt strongly about like feminism. Additionally, he spoke about how his faith reignited from the love, sense of belonging, and the social outreach of his new church. He found a church where he said, “I feel like I belong, and they love me for me.” He found his fit and found the people who would help him further grow into the man he dreamed of being. 

Well, I could have stamped my feet and said that he was turning his back on tradition. But hearing the joy in him and seeing how he has been further transformed into a more confident and kinder man, I realized that instinct to argue was not one of protection, but rather self-preservation. I was initially so hung up on my sense of failure that I didn’t want to hear him. But, when I did, I was filled with a great sense of ease and pride that he has found his place. Now we often talk about his deepening faith, and it brings me joy that he has found a supportive, loving group of people with a similar value system.

Finally, Respect Them

We are used to being in charge and guiding decisions. Now we need to loosen the reins and let them make decisions on their own. Trust that they know what they are doing. As long as they are not hurting themselves or others, it is OK that things don’t work out exactly as planned.

Let them succeed on their own. Let them fail knowing that you will be there to offer that new guidance.

If that seems like letting go too fast, start by being the safety net under a trapeze artist. It is always there but never intrusive; sometimes, it is never seen by the audience. But if tragedy strikes, the net is there to catch the performer. Eventually, the trapeze artist will rarely, if ever, need the net — that is, until they introduce some new performers of their own. 

The reason this is so critical is that the absence of respect, or perceived respect, can leave a person feeling restrained and infantilized. Something so simple like a family getaway can turn into a battle of wills if you insist on telling them what and how to arrange their plans. I made that mistake and tried to micromanage my rising adult. The result was a battle of wills and hurt words. A better way to handle it would have been to say, “You know how busy you are at work, figure out how much time you can give us. Anytime you can be wonderful.” Again, change the words, change the results.

The bumpy road from protector to guide can be difficult. But there are ways to navigate the process so that no feelings get hurt and everyone feels seen, heard, and respected. You can and should have a healthy relationship with your adult children and their new families as they grow and create their own families. I, for one, am excited about the people my children are becoming and the fact that we are slowly finding our new normal. If I need a subtle reminder, I look at my relationship with my mom, knowing that we, too, managed the transition from protector to guide to a friend. But that may be another story.

You may also enjoy reading Community Co-Listening: Can We Listen Without Judgment? by Indira Abby Heijnen

The post The Complex Rules for Raising Adult Children: From Protector to Guide appeared first on BEST SELF.

A woman’s journey takes her from fairytale to utter collapse and life in a tent, but she discovers her power to reclaim her authentic self and rebuild her life

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Cold feet.

I seriously had cold feet again… and not because I was about to get into a relationship or baulking at some massive life milestone. I had cold feet because they were standing on wet grass outside the door of my tent early in the twilight hours of the morning.

While I was sipping a warm tea that I had just made on the portable campfire. I was contemplating my day by running through a sort of “to-do” list in my head. Given that I was homeless and living in a tent with my toddler son and relying on food bank hand-outs to feed us, my situation was not something that I had ever in my wildest dreams imagined.

That’s why my feet were cold… and wet, too.

How had things gotten so bad? I had a degree, was from good middle-class stock, went to a good school, my father was a doctor. So, how had I ended up here?

I have been asked on many occasions what my trigger point was — how I lost my home, my business, my marriage and my mind. Upon reflection, I go back to that day when I put my key in the door to my home, turned the latch and as I walked in, and then saw a flash of pink as my husband ran across the hallway. I remember thinking to myself: “That’s strange.”

When I turned the corner, there was my husband in my sexy black wedding lingerie and my pink heels finishing a job interview over the phone. When he finished, he put the phone down, walked over to me, held my hands and said : “I have always wanted to be a girl.” That is when the shock kicked in and my life started to spiral down down, way way down.

After I asked my husband to leave, my life started to slowly come unstuck.

I was totally incapable of making even the simplest decision. I had a small son who was completely unaware of the situation, because I turned it into a big adventure even though inside, I was completely broken, knowing that this “adventure” was only a paper-thin cover up.

Over the next three years, we ended up moving from house to house as I took on 40 house sit jobs. Eventually we ended up in a tent relying on food bank handouts. On one rainy night, I looked out through the tent flap and thought with a little smile on my face: “Just think girl, what is the most ridiculous amount of money that you could ever earn in a month, so we don’t have to live like this?”

I got a small strip of paper, and with my smile still in place, I wrote down $40,000. That was the amount I told myself I needed to change the course of my life.

Believe it or not, within 18 months of writing down this seemingly impossible amount, I ended up making $40,811 in a single month!

So, how did I get there? I got there because there was a second trigger point that happened when I decided to pack up completely and move to Australia to be with my mum, who was not well. Having spent three years going around and round on a treadmill, praying to God to help me get out of this situation, once I had a bigger incentive to move, I was able to “fix” our homelessness in four days. Yes, four days.

How? I called all my friends and asked them to either give me their airline points for a plane ticket and/or money to go back to Australia with my small son.

After almost half a lifetime of very hard work running a successful business working 15-hour days, 7 days a week, I arrived in Australia with 2 dirty bags full of clothes… plus a 6-figure debt.

My mum had tears in her eyes when she saw what state we were in. This is where the journey to the top of Mount Everest in my sandals started — with very slow baby steps. The first tiny step occurred after what seemed like a miracle. Once my mum got better, I realized that I needed to look at myself.

How was I going to move forward? What was I going to do for work?

As questions like these started to arise, I was listening to the “small voice” inside me and I didn’t like what I was hearing. I didn’t want to be told that I needed to pay $35,000 for a 10-day training course to become a life coach when all I wanted to do was get a job and a regular paycheck. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, I could hear that little voice telling me that “Coaching was the way forward.”

As if the prospect of making 7 years’ worth of annual salary appear in 6 short weeks was not miracle enough, it was what the participants said about me at the coaching training course that really catapulted my life and future success.

At the end of the course, all of the CEO’s attending were asked, “Who was the most inspirational person in the course?” Without even hesitating, they all said that I was.

I clung to this affirmation like you cling to a life raft. It became like a ‘snitch’ out of Harry Potter; as long as I clung to it, being inspirational would take me far, very far. And that is exactly what happened.

I started to get very small wins — like my first client who paid me $500 a month. Before that, I hadn’t realised that I had a poverty/victim/scarcity mindset, and that this was the cause of my seriously cold feet. It took quite a bit of cognitive work to shift this mindset, yet, for the sake of my son, I was determined. Try stopping me!

It’s funny how life works isn’t it? I thought I was happily married with a gorgeous 1-year-old son. I was living in one of the prettiest places in the world, Whistler, British Columbia, married to a very handsome firefighter. I had my own business and a staff of 35. How could life get better?

Who knew that the harrowing and heart-wrenching years living on the edge of poverty, with not even the certainty of a warm bed to sleep in for my son and myself, would end up being the greatest gift I could ever receive in terms of catapulting my career and my success.

I certainly couldn’t imagine how these difficult times would end up being a fertile ground for me to find the pearls in this mess to transform my life and the lives of many others.

The painful times in our life are often the basis for the most fertile foundation. I’ve learned that we have to fully transform the beliefs and behaviours we have so these situations never happen again. When we do not transform them, we simply keep going around and round until we do. Our greatness cannot be realized without friction, without the test of something that seems impossible.

This is not a reason to chase hardship or difficult, but as the Buddhists believe: Only the ‘chosen’ have the opportunity of true tragedy as it is only through this tragedy that the soul is deeply stretched and transformed and only then can one enjoy happiness and fulfilment in every cell in their body as the difference between the pain and the joy is so great. The joy one will feel will be inversely proportional to the pain that you have experienced. So the teaching says. And as it does, we, too, rise out of our old and outdated understanding of who we are.

I look back on those years of difficulty and pain, to the nights that I cried myself to sleep with no idea of how to change my circumstances, as the greatest gift I could ever have received. Apart from my son, of course.

I have recently been awarded the ‘Global Visionary of the Year 2021’ and ‘Best Business Coach in 2019’. These awards were not even remotely on my horizon a decade ago. What was on my horizon was something other than beans and rice for dinner and a more permanent place to live.

When you look at your situation through the same lens over and over, your reaction will also be the same over and over — until you can look at in in a different way and see that the trouble is where? Many of us believe that we are already doing this, but the proof is in the pudding. And the truth is that pretty much any problem can be solved or resolved. We just need to find the ‘resources’ to become more fully resourced. This is where the creativity of thought needs to take place. This is where our identity needs to shift by going to the core of who we are.

When I was down and out, there was no space or energy for creative thought. My concerns were more focused on my immediacy — did we have enough food and where were we sleeping tonight? But once I took the time to shift my focus, I started to really observe the energetic attraction of things and experiences. Once you harness this, then you can grow good things and learn from the things that are not working in your life.

For me, once I had been through something like this, it became so very clear what I would and would not tolerate in my life. And then I did everything in my power in every way possible to never again be homeless or under resourced. Sure, it’s taken a decade to rebuild my life, but some things always take more time than we expected.

No matter how long it takes you to shift something in your life, trust that thing happen for a reason.

The decisions I made in the wake of my homelessness were the best decisions I could make at that time — even though the fallout took years to resurrect my life. The process of this resurrection was entirely cathartic, though, revealing to me not only my true inner greatness, but also my absolute steely determination and inner strength. For the rest of my life, I will treasure these parts of me that I might not have otherwise discovered.

Would I do it all again? In a heartbeat!

That’s because my tough times taught me how strong I am, that I can do it alone, and that I don’t need to make any apologies for where I am or who I am. I have come to appreciate that my gift in this life is to help as many people as I can — including myself — see the true inner greatness that awaits us… once we step out of our shadows and into our light.

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Do you want to find and harness the keys to your greatness? Rhiannon is offering an online Mastermind called BusinessFX – to help you build the business and life of your dreams! Register at: rhiannonrees.com/businessfx

You may also enjoy reading #VanLife: Facing Off With Depression and Discovering Freedom on the Road, by Carol Fisher

The post From Perfect to Poverty…and the Lesson-Filled Journey Back appeared first on BEST SELF.

Toxic culture can be rampant in the workplace, but by bringing strength and awareness to your actions, you to shift it, tapping into our fundamental desire for good

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“I could help him, but I’m not going to.”

This is what a colleague said to me years ago about a coworker who was clearly spinning out of control and about to crash professionally. Let’s just think about that idea for a moment: I am able to help, but I choose not to.

There are instances in which inaction would have been appropriate, but in this case, the people involved had a relationship that went back at least a decade. They weren’t adversaries; in fact, they had a history of supporting each other’s success. Although assistance would have been absolutely effortless with an impact that was potentially life changing, the rising man decided that the falling man had made some mistakes and should perish for them.

Fair enough, but when did we raise the bar of human performance to perfection?

When did helping other human beings in need become an act of great effort versus an act of general expectation?

And when did individualism become so paramount in America that we structured community — the feeling of fellowship with other human beings — right out of our lives?

Today the man who chose not to help is a senior executive at a Fortune 500 company. I’m still puzzled and disappointed by his behavior, particularly since he was the first to show me how good people know better but intentionally choose worse. Because of my own similar leadership failures, I was particularly troubled by this man’s inability to understand the power of leadership and the heightened responsibility that comes with it. This experience made it clear to me that our moral and educational systems are failing to adequately prepare our leaders to lead.

I have spent a lifetime researching human behavior as a part of my job as a venture builder. Although I am paid to understand markets and buyers, for the past two decades I have taken a keen interest in a specific area of human behavior: Evil.

Studying evil was not by choice; it was by necessity.

I had to make sense of my life — specifically, my corporate life where I operate amongst thousands of coworkers. As a strategy expert and an agent of change, I’m well suited to lead the path forward for companies in industries facing disruption. But many of these hyperdynamic industries and corporations possess something foul, something vile and smelly within their cultures that cause otherwise good people to go bad. Including me.

According to Philip Zimbardo, psychologist and professor emeritus at Stanford University, evil is defined as intentionally behaving or causing others to act in ways that demean, dehumanize, harm, destroy, or kill innocent people. This includes the failure to help those in distress (bystander failures).

Or, more simply, and according to Irving Sarnoff, psychology educator, author, and Fulbright scholar, “Evil is knowing better but doing worse.”

The first time I knew better but did worse, I was working at a 100-year-old company fighting for its survival. I was part of the change team and the environment was stressed. Manufacturing plants were being closed, supply chains were being redefined, business lines were being cut, and many others were being created. Key leaders were at odds and bad actors were allowed to act badly, creating a system of lawlessness and confusion. Fear was thick in the air as people faced the possibility of losing their jobs and livelihood.

Against this toxic backdrop I made a couple of poor choices. But my colleagues made worse choices, and their choices created a situation that gifted me with a lifetime case of PTSD which repeatedly found me in similar overstressed, high-change corporate environments over the course of my 25-year career. In every case, my hypervigilant human stress response was triggered. And, in every case, I watched good people go bad. Again, and again and again.

We are seeing this in our world today: people behaving badly. Knowing better but doing worse.

Social factors — aka, the culture of the broader environment in which we live, work, and play — affects our stress levels. Overly stressed environments hurt organizations and people because they have a direct impact on human physical and mental health. We call hyper-stressed environments “toxic” environments because they are ineffective as well destructive to its people. According to a study fielded by the HR Research Institute and EVERFI in 2019,  toxic cultures are pervasive today:

• 54% of workers report toxic cultures.
• 53% say their company does nothing to address toxicity issues.
• 62% of workers believe their leaders do not create a positive workplace environment.

Studies by the National Occupational Safety and Health found toxic workplace environments a leading cause of workplace violence such as “violent acts, including physical assaults and threats of assault, directed toward persons at work or on duty.” Studies on this issue also conclude that verbal violence (threats, verbal abuse, hostility, harassment, and the like) can cause significant psychological trauma and stress, even if no physical injury takes place.

Researchers have found that toxicity is the byproduct of the interplay of three factors:

• Charismatic leaders who exhibit high levels of narcissism and a destructive ideology of hate.
• Workers who conform to unmet needs, low self-evaluation or colluders who support bad values.
• Environments conducive to instability, lack of checks and balances, and perceived threats.

What I have learned from my experiences in toxic cultures and the unconscionable human behaviors they encourage is that each of us has the power to puncture the prevailing mindset, to shift the trajectory of a situation, and to change the course of a human’s life.

We can each do our part to counter toxic people and situations by following these 3 powerful principles:

1. Speak Up

Toxic environments create the perfect petri dish for herd behaviors, a phenomenon in which individuals act collectively as part of a group in ways that they would not as an individual. To avoid this, don’t justify bad behavior, minimize it as an unusual occurrence, or ignore it and hope it will go away simply because you want to go with the flow. Instead, ask yourself: Will I be proud of my behavior one year from now? If this were happening to me, or someone I care about, would I behave the same way? Speak up and remember that we rarely get a second chance to make up for our silence.

2. Question Actions Designed to “Help Someone Learn”

Often we justify our own and others’ bad behaviors as an opportunity to “help someone learn.” This is a classic rationalization approach for harm-doing in toxic cultures. What is the likely outcome for the ‘learner’ after the action is taken? Will they be subject to pressure from management or peers? Will they be isolated or ostracized in any way? Will they be put on probation? Could they potentially lose their job? Think really hard about the outcome for them. If it’s negative, check your motives to make sure it is not solely self-serving.

3. Realize That Your Perception Is Flawed

There is no way for any one of us to ever truly know the experience of another. We don’t have all the facts, we haven’t experienced the situation as they have, and our biases distort our view of things. Our reality is ours alone. Don’t assume you know the solution to someone else’s problem, or that you even understand the problem at all. Find the courage to ask questions and gain understanding by communicating with others outside your normal circle. The broader your perspective, the more truth you will bring into your life.

As a person who desperately needed others to step up and counter the prevailing dynamic in my organization, I would have considered anyone who had taken the initiative to do so a hero.

When the majority of people are overcome by pressures toward compliance and conformity, the minority who resist should be considered heroic.

Social psychology expert, Philip Zimbardo

If you know anything about the history of the world, you know that humanity has a dark side. But I refuse to believe that our future is going to be determined by our lowest common denominator. We’re better than that. There are solutions we can implement — at an individual and institutional level — that reveal our ability to discern goodness. This is the reason we live, the reason we love, and the reason that we press on no matter what. Because at the end of the day, humans are good. Damn good.

You may also enjoy reading Boundaries, Boundaries and More Boundaries: The Key to Managing Energy Vampires, by Christiane Northrup, MD

The post Good vs. Evil in the Workplace and Beyond…and What You Can Do appeared first on BEST SELF.

We can eliminate racism by integrating transcendental meditation into our educational systems to elevate our awareness to level of unity consciousness

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The prevalence of racial prejudice has been like a viral infection in the physical structure of American society, but like with any virus, there is a cure. The time for the cure is NOW.

The first step to cure any disease is the acknowledgment that the disease exists. This is what we see currently happening in the world. All over the world, protests are erupting, people are marching and from across the globe, voices are calling out for freedom, justice and an end to the violation of human rights. An awareness that an injustice perpetrated against anyone anywhere in the world affects everyone in the world has emerged, and ignited the global conscience. There is a universal acknowledgment that racism exists and a global desire to eradicate it. The quality of empathy and compassion for the suffering of others is increasing in the world family.

The Nobel Prize Laureate, Nelson Mandela expressed this quality of the human heart beautifully:

No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.

Nelson Mandela felt that education was the most powerful weapon one can use to change the world.

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi reiterated this sentiment when he said:

   Through proper education, we can accomplish anything.

The cure for racism is a system of education that provides both the intellectual understanding and the direct experience of pure consciousness, the unbounded reservoir of pure intelligence at the source of thought.

Education as it exists today is missing a fundamental aspect which is essential for creating an ideal individual. Although modern education provides knowledge of particular isolated fields of learning, it is missing knowledge of the knower, the very basis of the structure on which the high edifice of knowledge has to be built.

The basis of knowledge is consciousness. In order to gain knowledge, one must be conscious, awake, alert inside. Consciousness is the basis of knowledge; knowledge is the basis of action; action is the basis of achievement and achievement is the basis of fulfilment. By enlivening and expanding one’s consciousness, one spontaneously gains the ability to live more in harmony with natural law.

All violations of natural law have their root in weakness of the mind.

Racism is the result of narrow vision. If the awareness is narrow, one can only focus on differences. Like the small angle lens of a camera, one’s awareness is localized by the boundaries of race, and the deeper unifying factors that interconnect all living beings are overlooked. Racism is the result of focussing the mind on surface differences on the outer level of life, while disregarding the inner unifying basis of life. When one is wearing red glasses, then one can only see red. When differences dominate one’s awareness, the result is problems, mistakes, suffering, and failures in life.

According to Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the founder of the Transcendental Meditation technique:

Since consciousness is the most basic element of everyone’s life, knowledge of consciousness is the most basic requirement for everyone to exist consciously and intelligently and enjoy full, unbounded creative potential of life, with maximum success in all fields of personal and professional life.

Knowledge of consciousness is easily gained during the practice of Transcendental Meditation when one transcends and experiences the simplest, most settled state of awareness, the self-referral state of pure consciousness. In this state, the mind has transcended all the boundaries of thought. It is an experience of the unified level of life without a trace of duality. The regular experience of pure consciousness expands the conscious capacity of the mind and develops a “universal individual” – one who is spontaneously able to appreciate the common thread interconnecting all surface expressions of differences.

The experience of pure consciousness, the transcendental level of wholeness of life is the most effective way to overcome racism in society.

When a large proportion of the population of a nation enlivens pure consciousness regularly, an influence of coherence and orderliness spreads in society.

The experience of pure consciousness enlivens the full potential of natural law in human awareness by aligning human intelligence with cosmic intelligence. The unified field of all the laws of nature which is the level of cosmic intelligence, becomes lively when human awareness settles down to its most silent state. The deepest level of the mind is a state of absolute bliss; it is a state of perfect balance and infinite peace. The regular experience of pure consciousness by a large percentage of the population of a nation has the ability to harmonize all differences and lead to a harmonious and integrated society.

The experience of pure Being, infinite silence, enables the individual to spontaneously live more in harmony with the laws of nature.

As one’s awareness expands, one becomes happier and more creative day by day. With increased inner contentment, one’s ability to appreciate grows and more fruitful relationships develop.

Maharishi explains:

Every individual is born with that great potentiality which is hidden from within oneself. Through meditation we take our attention to that, bring that unboundedness in our awareness, live every phase of life with that awareness and thereby strengthen every phase of relative existence with this light of the Absolute.

To improve any aspect of life — and behaviour is a very, very important aspect of life — we just broaden awareness; and to broaden awareness we make use of nothing other than what life is. Life as life is infinite, unbounded, eternal, and therefore we just open our awareness to that. We open and know it, know what we are. And once we know what we are, there is no restriction, no limitation… When the awareness broadens — and it does broaden as we dive into Being more and more — everything spontaneously becomes a part of our Being.

As consciousness settles down to its least excited state of pure self-referral consciousness at the deepest level of the mind, the body simultaneously gains a very deep state of rest. This rest allows deeply rooted stresses to be released, paving the way for greater flexibility and stability in both the mind and body.

The regular experience of pure consciousness develops the ability to maintain an inner state of deep silence and stability even in the midst of dynamic activity. As a result, one becomes capable of making decisions which are nourishing for oneself and for society. One becomes more broadminded, and tolerant of others. As the practice advances, one’s thinking and action automatically becomes more and more aligned with the full evolutionary value of natural law.

When the full potential of natural law becomes permanently established in human awareness, the individual becomes universal. Spontaneously, one appreciates every finite expression of life in terms of its innermost value.

The narrow boundaries of individual life naturally expand to include the whole world. It is like shifting from a narrow-angle lens of a camera to a wide-angle lens.

The solution to the problem of racism is to bring in the light of new knowledge, the light of pure consciousness, the most unified level of intelligence in nature.

When in darkness, bring in the light. With the introduction of light, the darkness is automatically dispelled. The rate at which the darkness is eliminated is directly proportional to the radiance of the light. The more people who are collectively enlivening the transcendental level of pure consciousness in society through the simple, natural and effortless practice of Transcendental Meditation, the faster the darkness will be dispelled.

Extensive scientific research on the Transcendental Meditation technique has documented its effectiveness in reducing negative tendencies in society. Over 600 scientific studies on the TM programme have been conducted by researchers at more than 250 independent research institutions around the world.

Racism can be eliminated by purifying the collective consciousness of society, and now is the time for it to happen.

The collective consciousness of humanity is rising up to new heights of understanding and compassion and old patterns of thinking based on ignorance are being overthrown. Individual life is being enriched with the element of universality.

This is a time of transformation, of purification, and of rebirth. During this period, narrow-minded, outdated modes of thinking will be collectively discarded and replaced with a new, all-inclusive vision of wholeness of life which is in tune with the evolving consciousness of humanity. We are witnessing a massive churning of human consciousness on earth and the outcome must ensure a better, brighter future for all.

—

Brief Examples of Research on TM:

• Journal of Crime and Justice 4, 25-45, 1981- “Long-Term Decrease in Crime Rate in Cities through Transcendental Meditation”
• The Journal of Mind and Behaviour 8, 67-104, 1987- “Decreased Crime in National Capitol Districts”
• Journal of Social Behavior and Personality 17: 285-338, 2005- “Increased Progress towards Peace through the TM-Sidhi program”

Journal of Offender Rehabilitation 36: 283-302, 2003- “Reduced International Conflict through the TM-Sidhi program”

You may also enjoy Interview: Ruth King | Healing Racism from the Inside Out, by Kristen Noel.

The post A Cure for the Virus of Racism appeared first on BEST SELF.

Whether or not you appreciate the meaning or message of an art piece, it is vital for a thriving society to respect and protect, not destroy, our artistic heritage

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The assailant’s aim was clear: To wipe out the old man’s existence like a besieging army sacking a city. Front to back, back to front, the old man tottered as he clung to the cool, smooth platform while his attackers tugged and thrashed at his sturdy, time-worn body. No match for the group’s fury or their unrelenting force, he maintained his dignity even as he succumbed to their hatred and came crashing facedown to the ground.

The fallen figure in question was a bronze statue of Christopher Columbus.

Minnesota’s Columbus statue was originally conceived as a way to counter the discrimination against Italian Americans, who were considered outsiders by the state’s earlier, predominantly Northern European settlers. Ironically, the statue was trashed at the hands of American Indian activists attempting to assert their own voice and value into the chaos and civil unrest following the tragic death of George Floyd in Minneapolis.

“It has no value—it’s government property,” a young student said when I asked her how she felt about the statue’s destruction.

These words would have devastated Carlo Brioschi, the famous Italian-American sculptor who trained at the Academy of Fine Arts in Milan before creating the Columbus sculpture. Brioschi’s artistry touched several icons of American culture and community, including Grand Central Station and the majestic Classic Revival Northrop Auditorium at the University of Minnesota.

Art, in its broadest sense, is a form of communication.

Although the definition continues to be a source of debate, one thing is clear: Art is an act of expressing feelings, thoughts, and observations at a specific point in time.

Humans are the only species that create art. Borne of an artist’s head and heart and influenced by the times in which they live, creating art is a challenging and esteemed task that is both primal and personal.

There are thousands — hundreds of thousands — of works of art in in our nation’s museums, parks, public and private buildings, and educational institutions. Many of these are offensive to someone somewhere. And that is okay because art is not necessarily meant to please, although it often does.

According to Simon Schama, English historian and Columbia University professor:

“The power of the greatest art is the power to shake us into revelation and rip us from our default mode of seeing. After an encounter with that force, we don’t look at a face, a color, a sky, a body, in quite the same way again. We get fitted with new sight: in-sight. Visions of beauty or a rush of intense pleasure are part of that process, but so too may be shock, pain, desire, pity, even revulsion. That kind of art seems to have rewired our senses. We apprehend the world differently.”

I appreciate art because I’m an artist. But I can also be repulsed by art because I am a woman and, like all women, face an onslaught of art, artifacts, and images that objectify and marginalize us and our bodies every day.

There are far too many offensive artifacts for me to destroy in fashion, media, fine art, etc. And even if I were to destroy them, would America’s systemic sexism go away? If I choose to ignore them, does the reality of our sexist history and my pain associated with it go away?

Absolutely not.

Destroying art does not destroy history or events or people, or the painful emotions associated with them. Instead, destroying art destroys the physical manifestation of the artist’s creative gifts. It also destroys our respect for a fellow human being’s work and the message they felt compelled to share by fervently and painstakingly creating some-thing from no-thing. 

Is the eradication of art that reminds us of humanity’s dark side — art that makes us feel inferior, objectified, or marginalized — truly the direction we want to go in America?

I hope not.

Frankly, I want to keep the upsetting art around so I can be reminded frequently of our past, painful as it may be.

I want to be reminded that we are capable of engaging in evil, that our history is riddled with reminders of this reality. “Evil is knowing better but doing worse,” according to Irving Sarnoff, psychology educator, author, and Fulbright scholar. Evil seems to be something we’re participating in more and more every day in our nation’s current cultural climate.

The purpose of history is to learn from it.

Art gives us the opportunity to do so by reminding us of who we are — human beings who are both incredibly good and incredibly bad. When we revisit the harm we’ve done in our past, we can make new, better choices today.

I can choose to make it my lifetime goal to fight for women’s equality, for example, or I can choose to tutor young girls so that I directly influence their confidence and capabilities. Or I can choose to destroy the art that another human being created because the message conveyed offended me — a day later, a decade later, a hundred or a thousand years later.

The purpose of history is to learn from it. And art is one of our best teachers.

We have an opportunity to learn from it…but not if we destroy it.

You may also enjoy reading Ammunition 4 Good: An Artist’s Creative Stand to End Gun Violence, by Gina Raphaela

The post Art Is Our Teacher: Let’s Learn From Rather than Destroy the Art which Reflects Our Past appeared first on BEST SELF.

Ignoring your privilege does not make it go away, nor does denying its power to make effective change.

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“Evil cracker! Evil cracker! Evil cracker!”

The words came hurling at me as I was leaving a store in St. Louis Park with my dementia-cursed mother who still has enough defiance and chutzpah to refuse a cane to assist her labored walking. “Huh? Are you talking to me?” I said as I was blindsided in the vestibule by a raging woman and her friend spewing words of hate toward my mother and me, presumably because I’d suggested to a clerk that the store was being poorly managed during the holiday season. 

The words came at me again, and again and again like a stream of angry silver pellets from a BB gun: “Evil cracker, get out of here, evil cracker, go home!” The raging woman lurched toward me as if she wanted to catapult us into the air, out of the store, and onto the gritty sidewalk as if for a moment she had become her favorite superhero.

I didn’t fight. I didn’t freeze. I didn’t fly. Instead, I sought to learn more.

When the woman saw that I wasn’t afraid or capitulating on command, she went for the jugular, sinking her teeth into my clearly ill and weak elderly mother. “Let me see you walk, woman! Walk! Walk! You can’t walk! Girl, help your momma walk!”

That was it — the end of my patience… and the end of the story that I’m going to share here because this story isn’t really about a singular incident at a specific store. This story is about hatred. And hopelessness. And stereotyping. And white privilege. And inequity. And power. It’s a story about our life in America today and what sits at the center of it: humanity.

If you know anything about the Zimbardo Prison Study (aka The Stanford Prison Experiment) and related studies by Milgram and Asch or anything about the history of the world, for that matter, you know that humanity has a dark side. Research indicates that, among other things, we are often vain and overconfident, we are moral hypocrites, we favor ineffective leaders with psychopathic traits, and we view minorities and the vulnerable as less than human. We lie, we cling to bad habits, we bully, we troll, we cheat, and we gossip by spreading stories about others for which we have no proof of truth, simply because they are juicy and tantalizing.

We all have a dark side. Yes, me. And you, too.

I dare you to claim that you have never once known better but done worse. If so, you’re lying. To me… and more importantly, to yourself. It’s the lies we tell ourselves that preclude us from realizing change in our lives and, collectively, from realizing change in our world. The sooner we accept this about ourselves, the sooner we’ll be able to create the systemic change we need in our country and in our world today.

So, what exactly is “evil”?

According to Philip Zimbardo, psychologist and professor emeritus at Stanford University…

“We are not born with tendencies toward good or evil but the mental templates to do either.” 

In Zimbardo’s words, evil is defined as intentionally behaving or causing others to act in ways that demean, dehumanize, harm, destroy, or kill innocent people — and includes the failure to help those in distress (bystander failures). Or, as Irving Sarnoff, psychology educator, author, and Fulbright scholar stated: “Evil is knowing better but doing worse.”

I’m a woman of white privilege. They don’t come any more “white bread” than me. I possess all the “blessings” of the Indo-European race: blonde hair, lithe body, quick smile, and pretty face (albeit today I’m a little tattered and weathered from wear.) I didn’t work for these attributes; they were gifted to me at birth — for free — a byproduct of the DNA of my parents. 

I didn’t know (until my late forties) that throughout most of my life, I was bestowed special societal superpowers simply because of my physical appearance. How would I know that others weren’t instantly accepted by everyone, everywhere, as I was? And how would I know that I was given a pass for my (poor) behavior again and again simply because I was pretty?

No one told me about the gift of white privilege and the responsibility that comes with it.

My parents grew up working class and one from a broken home. Growing up, all I knew were the pains and frustrations I experienced because of my looks. People talked at me, not to me as a child, as if I were an object for their pleasure, demanded coffee orders and back-rubs at the office, underestimated me at every turn, and spewed vitriol by people who were only able to see my blessings and not my challenges.

The only thing we truly know in this world is our own experience. And our experience distorts our view of the world and our view of others in it.

Each of us has a distinctive “perceptual lens” or view to the world and people in it that is shaped and distorted throughout our lifetime by four factors: 

1. Cultural Learning — norms, language, values, behaviors
2. Group Learning & Cultural Narrative — stories, experiences, history
3. Individual Learning & Narrative — trauma, history
4. Social & Institutional Learning — institutional patterns

The problem with perceptual lenses (and each of us) is that we think EVERYONE has experienced the world as we have and should see the world as we do. But that’s just not true. When we see the reality of that, and the reality about the good and the evil that each of us possesses, that is when we can start seeing and creating a pathway for change.

For all the coddling and free passes I got in my youthful years, I turned into an insufferable friend, family member, and leader — the kind others want to hate and hurt. And they did. The PTSD I walked away with from one particularly painful backlash is but one scar of many that I proudly wear to this day. I think back to some of my behaviors, and I cringe. I didn’t intend evil, but I delivered it.

And that’s just it. I’m a good, just, fine human being — a human being that today I’m proud to be. But I’m also an evil one.

I am aware of my light and my shadow — what’s magnificent about me and what’s downright rancid.

As humans, we are quick to categorize individuals or groups as blameworthy or as evil, according to Zimbardo. This creates a binary world of good people (like us) and bad people (like them). Yet, as Zimbardo asserted so many years ago, the line between good and evil actually lies in the center of every human heart.

Getting back to that woman shouting at me and my mother. She showed me her evil. And for a brief period of time, I was blinded by it — inflamed by it, actually. I wanted to hurt her for the hurt she caused me and my beloved mother, and to write her off as ‘bad people’. But when I can see that I, too, am a ‘bad person’, I can see that she, too, is a good person. She might simply be a broken human being (like me), doing the best with where she is and what she has to stop the pain. 

So, instead of shouting and name calling, let’s stop the blaming and start the conversations — conversations that acknowledge that we are all a part of the problem… and the solution.

You may also enjoy watching Interview: Marianne Williamson | A Return To Love And Consciousness with Kristen Noel.

The post The Rights and Responsibilities of White Privilege in a Time of Racism appeared first on BEST SELF.

The coronavirus may seem like a collective catastrophe, but it is actually a wakeup call to humanity to change our destructive ways

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A crisis, like a global pandemic, arises because Nature is trying to teach us a lesson.

A crisis is a situation created through an inability to live in accordance with natural law — the laws of Nature governing the Universe. The crisis is the signal, the red light, alerting us to change direction in order to avert a perilous danger lying ahead. Nature always knows best how to organize. Nature also always gives us whatever is best for our growth and evolution. 

Nature is like a mother. When a child errs, the mother always acts to correct her offspring.

The coronavirus is the voice of Mother Nature leading humanity to a higher level of understanding and functioning. It is Mother Nature’s way of clearing the obstacles which have accumulated on the path of human evolution. If our collective mistakes are not corrected now, global extinction could be the result. 

So, what is the message of this current crisis? This is the time to go inward. Stay inside. Staying in doesn’t just mean stay in one’s house. It means: Go Within. Reflect on what we as human beings are doing to our planet. 

What are we prioritizing in our life? Is it the mad pursuit of wealth for ourselves or is it shared human values? Are we allowing the exploitation of the masses by a few billionaires or are we dedicated to sharing our natural resources to alleviate poverty in the world? Is material progress more important to us than spiritual development? Is a health-oriented lifestyle or chronic disease becoming widespread? What is the reason for the present scenario? How have we as individuals contributed to it?

What can we do now to re-shape our future on this planet and create a new order of living that reflects our innate interconnectedness?

This moment in human history will never be forgotten. We are on Halt. Brakes have been put on because we must: Stop and Look and Listen. The red light is flashing. What will we do now? In which direction are we heading? It is our choice! 

Human actions have caused global warming, environmental degradation, loss of biodiversity, and ozone depletion. Factors such as excessive deforestation, water contamination, over-consumption and exploitation of natural resources have led to this crisis. If we pollute the air, the water bodies, the earth, the food chain, the entire biosphere, then the earth will send calamities, crises and catastrophes. 

Human civilization has caused the loss of 83% of all wild mammals and threaten the extinction of half of the 28,000 plant species. Human beings have also cut down at least 46% of the trees on earth. Between 1990 and 2016 alone, over 1.3 million square kilometers of forests have been felled. Land degradation is a process in which the value of the biophysical environment is affected by a combination of human-induced processes acting upon the land. It is estimated that up to 40% of the world’s agricultural land is seriously degraded.

This is a red alert signal to warn humanity. If nations continue to focus on developing weapons of mass destruction, and amassing more and more power and land to assert their superiority over other nations; if their aim is to earn more and more wealth to become a superpower in the world in order to force other nations to bow to their commands, they will suffer the consequences of such decisions. Such actions damage the holistic fabric of life and Nature’s flawless reaction always follows because there is an integral design which weaves the harmonious pattern interconnecting all living beings on this planet. 

Each individual is like a cell in the cosmic body of the Universe. A disease in one part of the body necessarily and inevitably affects the health of the whole organism.

We are all an interdependent web of life. We are all ONE. To take care of ourselves, it is incumbent on us to take care of each other. No nation can afford to place self-interest at the forefront and disregard the wellbeing of other nations. Each nation must learn to care for the health of the whole world in order to ensure maximum development for itself. Global harmony, success, and progress depend on the world functioning as an integrated whole.

This pandemic is a warning from Nature. It is also a blessing because there is love embedded in this cosmic message from Mother Earth. If Nature didn’t love us, Nature would allow us to destroy ourselves and the planet. But whenever violations of natural law reach a certain threshold, Nature always sounds an alarm. At present, alarm bells are resounding worldwide! 

The ecosystem is in distress. To strengthen our immunity, we are being asked to turn inward. Turn to the power of love, the power of peace, the power of compassion. This is the only power which is inexhaustible.

It is time to go inward, reflect and take a U-turn towards love, peace, harmony and prosperity for all humanity.

The more we give, the more we have. Every vibration of love, peace, and harmony we send out into the ethers spreads out to touch the farthest reaches of the Universe. Every action we do now to help others pass through the challenges and tribulations the world is facing will help us collectively rise to a higher level of global unity. We can save our planet by radiating love, peace, harmony and compassion in our thoughts, words and actions. That is how we can sow the seeds for a grander, brighter, and more heavenly life on earth.

You may also enjoy reading Saying YES to Life by Barbara Ann Briggs

The post Pandemic Paradox: The Crisis Is A Blessing appeared first on BEST SELF.

If you want to understand the impact of the coronavirus on your life, start by looking within to release any feelings of helplessness and hopelessness

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There seems to be no end to news of horrific suffering around the world as the corona pandemic hits us hard. Our nervous and immune systems are impacted as we worry about contracting COVID-19 and possibly dying from it. Feeling trapped and disconnected with no solution in sight can breed massive hopelessness and helplessness, setting up a situation ripe for a superbug to invade. As a result, many of us might feel powerless as we express anger, even rage.

With our flow of life disrupted, each of us must face the question: “How can we stop the COVID-19 strain of the coronavirus from affecting our own health and eventually reaching global proportions?” 

The answer requires thinking beyond the germ model of an illness to its underlying mental and emotional factors.

After all, it’s our emotions that fuel our hopeless and helpless feelings. Living in any pandemic can set up feelings of uncertainty, especially when escalated by an absence of a cure. For this current strain, pharmaceutical heaven is closed. This is why now more than ever it is important to understand that the mental and emotional cause of a virus is more important than finding a medication that will mask it.

Illnesses can take hold when our immune systems collapse. To avoid that, shift your focus to understanding the emotional origin, psychological meaning, thought patterns, or messages our bodies are trying to tell us regarding COVID-19. 

Covid-19 Symptoms and Significance

Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness can undermine and collapse our immune systems, causing shortness of breath. Many may be witnessing emotions bubbling up, and some of these feelings may not even make sense. Shortness of breath means having difficulty breathing with life itself. People who have internal conflicts believe they have no viable way out. 

Not being able to breathe could stem from many things: Difficult circumstances at work or home; troublesome situations with children; loss of a loved one through death, divorce, or separation; severe financial difficulties; even worry about world events. When financial uncertainty reigns, it can bring feelings of futility to the surface. Lost jobs mean less financial stability. The stock market is a roller-coaster ride; many have lost their savings and reached retirement age with no hope to recover financially. The numbers of businesses lost and workers unemployed are skyrocketing as loved ones are dying alone in hospitals.

COVID-19 has made life even more difficult for millions of workers who care for frail populations at home and in nursing homes. How can they bathe, feed, and care for their patients while social distancing? And having a reliable source of protective gear is not guaranteed.

With all this going on, who can breathe easily?

Coughing reflects feelings of grief, which is a reaction to loss and deprivation. Expressing grief involves the entire respiratory system; suppressing it produces lung problems. When loved ones die, funerals can’t be held formally, producing more grief. Many people in lockdown grieve a loss of freedom. Loss of social and physical connection adds to the grief, which weakens the immune system even more. Amidst all that, people still have cancer, heart attacks, strokes, or other diseases. 

Fever reflects a burning-up feeling expressed with intense anger and stored resentments. The anger in the world right now is over the top. Loss of any sense of normalcy is being tested on all levels and causing anger to consume us. Anger can dominate, triggering disease in the body. Sadly, an increase in ALL diseases will happen because of the depleted immune systems from the anger and the hopeless, helpless feelings that prevail during this pandemic.

Pneumonia reflects a belief in needing to handle life single-handedly — the belief that help is not available. As we attempt to block these negative feelings, they can rear their ugly heads as we’re forced to slow down and tune into ourselves. Right now, hospital workers are overwhelmed, under protected with inadequate supplies, and asking, “Where is the help for us?” Patients are feeling the brunt of this. Front-line workers especially are enduring extremely brutal conditions leading to feelings of futility. Although many people feel a need for social, economic, physical, and emotional support right now, they are convinced that they have to endure without it until this is over. 

Hopeless/Helpless Feelings on a Global Scale

As the world is out of balance environmentally, politically, financially, and ethically, it seems clear that we are reaching a tipping point that requires a grand reset button. As consuming as the pandemic is for people everywhere, wars in the world continue as does the worry about possible nuclear attacks. Will countries ever find stability? Are our leaders breeding hate, intolerance, and greed in a bigger way than ever? Will we ever overcome financial uncertainty? For many, these fears of the unknown can bring feelings of futility to the surface.

Our collective purpose is being undermined by the anger, intolerance, and greed we see around the globe.

This is happening on both sides of the political fence and creates an intense energy circulating throughout the world. On an individual physical level, expressing hate, intolerance, and greed can affect the heart and lungs due to weakening the bond with fellow human beings — a bond that provides the foundation of life.

As we’re now seeing, the result can be lethal to the human body on a massive scale. I contend that hate, intolerance, and greed was the culprit behind the Spanish flu in 1918 that killed millions. But we can learn from that history of the Spanish flu pandemic so this current coronavirus won’t have to circle the world four times and spark another Great Depression.

The Missing Piece to Healing

The proliferation of hopeless and helpless feelings on a massive scale will allow COVID-19 to spread like wildfire. That’s why it’s important to release them out of our cellular memories. 

As a healing practitioner for the past 23 years, I have come to believe…

The psychological meaning and emotional origin of disease is the “missing piece” to healing.

That’s why I help people examine their missing pieces and provide insight into the connection between their feelings and their diseases using the MO (Modus Operandi) Technique.

I recently worked with a 30-year-old mother who had symptoms of COVID-19 which required her to  quarantine herself. Married with two small children, she was the one who ‘did it all’ to keep her family running. Being isolated in bed alone and extremely ill, she naturally felt hopeless and helpless. After an MO Technique session with me, she said this: “I had severe tightness in my chest and shortness of breath with a fever and severe body aches. As we did the session, I could literally feel the symptoms melting away from my body. The pain and tightness in my lungs as well as body aches drained away. Over the next three days, my symptoms kept improving. A week later I came out of quarantine feeling good. Now that I have the tools to catch myself, I choose to release the thoughts and feelings causing the coronavirus symptoms rather than stuff them down and let them fester. This is a valuable piece of the health puzzle that’s missing for most us.”

How to Prevent Contracting COVID-19

If we learn to examine our inner environment and determine what thoughts might be causing any feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, we can learn to not only cope but to have hope. As individuals and a society, we can learn from history to avoid feeling helpless and hopeless by looking inside ourselves for the answers.

We can also benefit from applying the MO Technique — an effective, non-invasive technique that everyone can access — to make our emotions work for us, not against us. Becoming free from ALL disease is our biggest message of hope. That’s how we can create a more powerful — and healthier — life for all!

You may also enjoy reading, Mind Body Health: Preventing the Flu Through Emotional Wellbeing by Maureen Minnehan-Jones

The post The Mental and Emotional Causes of COVID-19 appeared first on BEST SELF.

Despite our suffering due to the COVID-19 pandemic, we face a unique opportunity to reset our thinking to have a more positive impact as a collective

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How we squander our hours of pain. How we gaze beyond them
into the bitter duration.

— Rainer Maria Rilke

The America we hope for should embody resilience. It should also be a reflection of her people. By the same token, the America we hope for should emerge healthier and stronger from this COVID-19 pandemic so that we can have confidence in our collective future. 

In this new and bizarre world, we must rise above petty differences and divisions if we hope to be a stronger and more forward-thinking society. In the light of the dire circumstances we face, our laser-like focus should be on the greater good — a greater good that uplifts and motivates us to adhere to our better selves.

As we find our way through the pits and valleys of the COVID-19 crisis, we longingly hope for leaders with deep reservoirs of empathy that touch and encourage us to keep going in the face of insurmountable challenges. Nonetheless, as we barrel forward in the dark amid immense and inconsolable suffering and loss, let us strive for consistency; let us become positive and better role models for our children who are traumatized and racked by fear and anxiety about their uncertain futures.

Going forward, let us engender honesty, integrity, ethics, and values that reflect a higher calling. 

Moreover, let us rebuild from the inside out in preparation for the other threats that are upon the horizon. Yet, although there are some among us who hope for America’s invaluable assets to be shared by all of us equally and unequivocally, there are also those who disagree. Still, depriving them shelter for their beliefs serves us no good. 

Is it too much to ask for a post- COVID-19 America to be more aware of our collective responsibility towards each other? Shouldn’t we be more appreciative of our unique position in the free world, clearer and more cognizant of the power we hold to choose leaders who reflect us as we truly are; leaders who see beyond our physical representations in this world? 

Is it too much to ask for an America to come together as one instead of disparate factions cordoned off by man-ordained borders of red and blue? Surely, it is not too much to ask for adherence to our country’s laws and principles. As citizens and residents, we are required to follow laws to keep a sense of order and flow in our lives, but shouldn’t we hope for an America where everyone will strive to uplift our country’s reputation in all ways?

Despite our deep suffering, disappointing setbacks, and incredible loss due to COVID-19…

The virus affords us a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to reset our thinking to have a more positive impact as a collective.

Instead of viewing our mandated time behind closed doors as an inconvenience or as a punishment, we can challenge our collective mindset with courage and fortitude.

Although we are sheltered in our homes, this is not the time to feel sorry for ourselves. We must take care of ourselves and each other so that, when the time comes to re-enter society, our physical, emotional, and spiritual immune systems will be fortified enough to deal with existing and ongoing challenges. 

We must realize this is not a time to just relax; this is not the time for recalcitrance. Even as we take care of ourselves physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually we must truthfully face what this entire episode means in our lives. We must ask ourselves how we can go forward when we are too petrified to make plans for the future. As we haltingly shuffle toward the unknowable, we need to consider taking back our lives. 

For too long, we have given over our power to leaders who are undeserving of our trust. Fortunately, COVID-19 has finally laid bare the inequalities and disparities we marinated in for so long. We now have the opportunity to acknowledge the responsibility we all share in bringing us to this moment. Now is the time to take back all we have willfully squandered from those who misused and mishandled our trust for their advantage. 

Truly, it is only we, individuals, who can reshape our lives in ways we have always dreamed of.

Regardless of our political affiliations, our racial backgrounds, our economic differences, or our religious beliefs, we only have ourselves and each other. Let us not squander this precious opportunity by bickering or by allowing antiquated or misguided divisions to bog us down further.

All things considered, for us to thrive in the aftermath of the debilitating and overwhelming tragedy of COVID-19, we need to stay steady and centered, only looking back to reflect and to learn from our mistakes. Simply put, it is only by applying well-thought-out, rational, and strategic solutions steeped in reality that we can thrive in this new world which is hurtling rapidly towards us. 

To truly regain a sense of control, we need to strengthen our selves from the inside out; to commit to realigning our thoughts, words, and deeds in ways that will enhance our livelihoods on this planet. Undoubtedly, our environment reflects who we are as a society and a people. Now we can finally see how broken our society has become. With this in mind, maybe it is time to collectively and individually look within to see what has fractured so deeply within our lives; to figure out what garnered such a horrendous fall from grace; to think out of the box for a healthier future.

In the long run, as many of us hope for a new America that is humane to all, let us realize that we cannot ignore our self-actualization as individuals.

To be fully present as a collective, we must first be present as individuals. This will take work and consistent commitment if we want to emerge more whole as a people and a country after the threat of COVID-19 has subsided. Here and now, we can decide to renew our collected hopes for a new America, one that will once again inspire and motivate the world.

You may also enjoy reading The Importance of Intention to Create Freedom and Aliveness by Carter Miles

The post The America We Hope For After COVID-19 appeared first on BEST SELF.

The era of coronavirus is ushering in pain, loss & distance; but it’s also providing an opportunity to develop a new sense of responsibility in our lives

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In the 17^th Century, the French philosopher Blaise Pascal wrote that all of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

Judging by recent data released by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the unconscious urge to immerse our attention in external things still exists today; 83% of a group of surveyed subjects stated that although they found time to exercise or fit leisure activities into their days, 0% had dedicated any time to being alone with their thoughts. Similarly, participants of a recent study published in Science were given the choice between spending time alone in the exclusive company of their thoughts or receiving a small electric shock. Sadly, 67% of men and 25% of women chose the latter.

In a world filled with increasingly busy schedules, what fuels our propinquity towards an entirely externalised experience?

What is it about the prospect of being alone with our thoughts and our buried personal realities that appears so terrifying? 

Our indoctrinated preference for doing over being — even if what we’re doing is detrimental to us — has standardised the desire to occupy ourselves with anything just so that we don’t have to be alone with ourselves. Labelled as unproductive or even lazy, introspection is certainly not the new black.

But there are certain times in our lives when our sense of fragility becomes unexpectedly accentuated and unbearable, usually without warning. At such moments we are mercilessly confronted with our own mortality and isolation as it seems that we have nowhere else to go but within.

As we are all confronted with a new sense of normal in the midst of a global pandemic, this curious place we have fought hard to avoid is now hauling us in, bypassing the urges of our extroverted minds to escape to familiar lands of distraction and superficial identification.

Here we’re pushed out of our normal concept of Self and into a enter a deeper dimension of consciousness that is inseparable from the present moment. 

As the notions of an imagined tomorrow no longer dictate the reality of our today, we wait for great calamities to ignite a path for us — be it an illness, financial loss, or emotional heartbreak. As painful as this may be, the withdrawal from our comfort zone is the prerequisite for a journey of self-re-connection. 

Within us there is a whole life that is just waiting to be listened to and welcomed, a life which allows us to return to the natural rhythms of life and to cultivate those values so important to the survival of this planet.

As an inverted Trojan horse, this new virus that we’re experiencing is bringing us pain, separation, loss, distance; but it also allows us, if we let it, to develop a new and deeper sense of responsibility, reciprocity, cooperation, empathy, respect, love and kindness.

We are learning that the fate of the people we love and the whole community depends on our individual actions…

…that personal interests must be balanced with regard to the collective situation. This is an important evolutionary step that requires us to stop in order to hear and understand. When we stop to listen we hear everything that happens, inside and outside of ourselves: anger, helplessness, frustration, anxiety, despair, fear… but also empathy, compassion, love, gratitude, kindness, silence. Everything. 

We are becoming aware of this important level of interconnectedness between the internal and the external environments, the intimate relationship that exists between our thoughts, impressions, ideas, emotions, and what happens in the external world around us. We are now slowly begin to understand the impact of our inner worlds on the reality and design of our individual, social, and collective destiny.

When we allow a deeper well of authenticity and honesty to take center stage of our creations, we recognize this internal calling as a private invitation to re-connect — even if going deeper is a paralyzing concept to our ego self. 

We are all powerful storytellers, but we have often fooled ourselves into believing the stories we tell to be true. We tend to create — sometimes consciously, but mostly not — rich tales based on our codes of reality about who we ought to be and who we should be in the eyes of others. We come to believe in our stories so powerfully that when the narrative is externally paused or even rattled, our worth stops with it. 

Our identity, so deeply interconnected with the doing of our lives, becomes compelled to follow the rules of the made-up protagonist that existed only in our minds.

When the movie becomes jangled and silence is all that plays, we become aware that the muted subconscious monologue of our inner Self is still playing on repeat. Since we are not accustomed to the sound of our internal dialogue, solitude becomes challenging. When our inner environment is polluted with anger, separation, loneliness, conflict, competition, frustration, anxiety and hatred, the external environment will reflect this condition. By understanding that emotions of survival create separation, we acknowledge that we’re only suggestible to information equal to the emotions that we experience. 

So, what can we do to regain control of our deepest selves?

For starters, before embarking on a plan to clean up the world, start by tidying up your bedroom. And that means embracing the power of your mind over the genes and biology of your body.

One way is to start a meditation practice. It has been proven that meditation lowers blood pressure by generating the slower alpha and theta waves in the brain calming the amygdala, which is linked to fear and anxiety. It takes only a few minutes of practice to “turn off” the genes related to the processes of inflammation and cell death, regulate moods, and inhibit the production of cytokine and other chemicals that can be harmful to your health left unchecked. 

As you ponder the role of human beings on this planet, start by rebuilding from the very bottom of your heart. Once you have an awareness of the impact that our own intimate feelings, thoughts, and emotions have on the world, that’s when a new revolution can begin — an inner revolution that can truly change your sense of individual and collective identity. 

We can finally explore a different meaning of ourselves, discovering a new empathy and consciously designing our lives.

We can rise and be reborn with the rest of life. This is what Mother Nature is asking us. Let’s answer with love to this call.

You may also enjoy reading Radical Responsibility: The Key To Moving From Suffering To True Agency & Freedom by Fleet Maull

The post The Inverted Trojan Horse: COVID-19 and the Healing Power of Introspection appeared first on BEST SELF.

This can be a time for us to practice mindful touching of other living beings, so that when the pandemic finally fades away, we can enjoy the touch of humans even more.

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You may also enjoy reading Finding Greater Meaning in Life Through Mindfulness, Stillness & Single Tasking by David Richards

The post Craving Human Touch During Isolation? Try This. appeared first on BEST SELF.

An intrepid world traveler embraces the adventure of discovering small surprises around every global corner — and his life is much richer for it.

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“I wouldn’t have the courage to travel like you.” 

My friend Larry has told me this several times which has made me think about the real reasons I go off to far-flung places like the Tips of South America (both southern and northern), Africa, China, and Bhutan, as well as nearby places like Cuba, Guatemala, and the Zuni and Acoma Pueblos of New Mexico.

What I have come to realize is that I thrive on the small challenge of discovering big surprises.

Sometimes it takes 20 or 30 paces to find that surprise awaiting me around the next corner or bend in the trail, but sometimes, without taking a step, big surprises come face-to-face with me.

The surprise is usually a person — like Kimpei Ohara and Hisako Matsuda in Japanese cities, Ou Gong Hua and Lu Zheyong in a Chinese ethnic village, Juan Gonzalez Castillo in the Cuban mountains, or Maribel on a Havana park bench. I’ve returned to visit each one of these people, some several times, because our lives are so much richer for having friends.

When I met Kimpei at an Osaka youth hostel in 1970, little did I know that this Japanese college student would become a professor of English who would welcome me to his home and classes in Kanazawa, Japan many times over the decades. And how would I have known that Kimpei would introduce me to Mrs. Matsuda and her husband who invited me to live in their old samurai house? And that my real mom and I would one day visit Mrs. Matsuda, who called me her “American son” and wanted me to call her my “Japanese mother?”

Then there was Maribel, who I met sitting on a Havana park bench. She surprised me with her tales of seeing Ernest Hemingway walking nearby, and dictator Batista and his family driving around in his limousine until frequent gunfire put a stop to his cruising, and then after Batista’s overthrow, of watching Fidel Castro ride the streets with his guards, and of Che Guevara driving a jeep around Havana by himself. 

Although I dispatched a short email to friends after meeting my surprise Cuban acquaintance, how was I to know that I would meet Maribel many more times in subsequent years — each time on the same park bench quite by chance because I didn’t have her phone number or address? When I next returned to Cuba, I looked forward to walking the streets of Old Havana with Maribel, lunching in a sandwich shop, meandering through parks, and then sitting down in the welcome air-conditioning of an ice cream shop for her favorite flavor (and mine): chocolate.

After our first chance park bench meeting, it was not even a blip on my personal horizon that I would write a book about my world travel adventures. But the stories slowly became a book titled The Shots Maribel Heard. 

So many people, so many stories, so many amazing challenges and surprises!

For instance, I once heard that a man in a remote Cuban mountain village was an eyewitness to the Fidel Castro revolution of the 1950’s. Later, sitting with Juan Gonzalez Castillo and his family in rocking chairs and at a table in a dirt-floor kitchen, I learned that Juan, as an eight-year-old, witnessed danger and bloodshed as Fidel Castro, Che Guevara and others planned and fought a revolution against the corrupt Batista dictatorship and his powerful Army and Air Force. 

A few years later in 2019, I video-recorded Juan’s incredible memories, as well as the daily life of three generations of his family who still lived in the mountain village. Juan’s life is weaved into stories in my book, as is the first photo-blog I posted on my website. 

Before I published the names and stories of my friends, I made sure that I got their permission. The general consensus was: Make my story travel! As the owner of a Miles City, Montana shop reflected after we talked about Juan, Maribel and others…

“Sharing one’s stories with the world brings greater value to one’s life and experiences.” 

A lesson I’ve learned through travel: We, the people of this planet, are all human. And as I relate in my book’s introduction: “I meet people by chance, and every person is a treasure to behold — the smile, laugh, determination, dreams and pain.” It’s like a booster shot to my own well-being to learn something about another’s family, friends, play… and stories.

You may also enjoy reading Travel Tall | Heeding A Passion For Travel by Eric Giuliani

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A Hospice doctor shares his experience witnessing the paradox of dying: patients on their death bed are often more emotionally and spiritually alive

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Becoming a doctor is a process with a beginning, middle, and no end. One day, just when the young doctor thinks they have mastered the science of medicine, they will meet a patient who summons them to go beyond tending to the bodily needs in order to tend to the soul. This moment will hold a lesson in empathy the doctor will never forget, the first of many through which they will find the true richness of their calling. For me, the patient who first guided me through that moment was Mary. 

Mary was a seventy-year old artist and mother of four, and one of my first patients at Hospice. At the time of my visit to her room, her ‘whole gang’, as she called them, was gathered around her bedside sharing a bottle of wine. It was a low-key family affair, with Mary appearing to enjoy the company of her brood, even as she drifted in and out of alertness. But then something odd happened. 

With no prompting whatsoever, Mary started to cuddle a baby only she could see. Sitting up in her hospital bed, it was as if she’d lost touch with the here and now and was acting out a scene from a play, kissing this imaginary baby in her arms, cooing to him, stroking his head, and calling him Danny. Even more striking, this incomprehensible moment of maternal connection seemed to have put her in a state of bliss. Her kids all looked at me, uttering variations of “What’s happening? Is she hallucinating? This is a drug reaction, right?”

I may not have been unable to explain what was happening or why, but I did understand that the only appropriate response at that moment was the absence of any medical intervention.

There was no pain to alleviate, no medical concern to address. What I saw was a human being experiencing an unseen yet tangible love beyond my medical understanding and reach.

I watched, in awe, as did her four children. After their initial outburst, they were now overcome with emotion, no small part of which was due to their relief at seeing their mother’s serenity. She did not need them, any more than she needed me, to intervene, make a decision, or say something that could or would alter the course of her last moments. Mary was tapping into an inner resource none of us knew she had. The feeling of gratitude and peace that overtook us was like no other. 

The next day, Mary’s sister came in from out of town and unraveled the mystery. Long before any of Mary’s four children came into the world, she had given birth to a stillborn child she had named Danny. She was overcome with grief after losing the baby, but she’d never spoken of it, which is why none of her surviving offspring even knew about him. Yet in this moment, with death waiting in the wings, the experience of new life had returned to Mary in a manner that clearly provided warmth and love, and maybe even some small compensation for her loss. At death’s door, she was revisiting her past trauma as a wrong redressed. She had reached a palpable level of acceptance, and even looked like a younger version of herself.

Mary’s physical ills couldn’t be cured, but it appeared that her spiritual wounds were being tended. 

Not long after this remarkable episode, Mary died peacefully, but not before transforming what I understood ‘dying peacefully’ to mean. There was something intrinsic to Mary’s dying process that was not only therapeutic but that unfolded independently from the ministrations of her caretakers, including her doctor.

Watch the author’s TEDx talk on his observations on dying

Ultimately, it was the remarkable incidence of pre-death dreams and visions among my dying patients that made me realize how significant a phenomenon this was, both at a clinical and human level. As a Hospice doctor, I have been at the bedside of thousands of patients who, in the face of death, often speak of love, meaning, and grace. They reveal that there is often hope beyond cure as they transition from a focus on cure to notions of personal meaning. 

As illness advances, grace and grit collide. 

With that collision often comes new insight to those dying as well as to their loved ones, insight that is often paradoxically life-affirming. This experience includes pre-death dreams and visions that are manifestations of this time of integration and coming into oneself. These are powerful and stirring experiences that occur in the last days or hours of life and that constitute moments of genuine insight and vivid re-centering for patients. These experiences often mark a clear transition from distress to acceptance, bringing with it a sense of tranquility and wholeness for the dying.

I am a doctor, so I accept that all of my patients will die. But dying is more than the suffering we either observe or experience.

Beyond the obvious loss, there is light within the darkness as new insights emerge that can hold profound meaning. This is when dying patients often find a path to affirming the love they felt, the relationships they cherished, and the beauty of life they led. This is when they allow themselves to experience true enlightenment.

You may also enjoy reading Dying Every Day: Exploring Life and the Near-Death Experience with Reincarnate Buddhist Lama Mingyur Rinpoche by Peter Occhiogrosso

The post Finding Hope and Meaning at Life’s End: One Doctor’s Experience appeared first on BEST SELF.

As the coronavirus permeates the lives of us all, we need to view this global disruption as a wakeup call for consciousness, connection and action

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Extraordinary souls have always retreated into caves to ponder. And now, we are being asked to retreat into the caves of our inner essence. All sources of entertainment, all forms of distraction have been snatched away from us. Our education, our lives, our livelihood: all at stake. Even places of worship are closed. But God is here—in the temples, the mosques, the churches, the synagogues of our existence. We are being asked to be still, to be grateful for what we took for granted for eons, to discard what was not serving our planet, to let go of what was detrimental to our minds, bodies, and souls. 

Brothers and sisters: pain precedes growth. We see that in the cries of a teething toddler and a mother in labor.

And growth takes time. Let us heed the call to grow while in retreat, patiently, ever so patiently. Even while tears flow. Even while uncertainty transiently shackles us. 

For too long we have ignored the invitation. We chased the world at the expense of preserving it. Even when the trees and animals taught us forgiveness, we sought antagonism toward Nature. We fought to stop pollution but never succeeded because we ignored the fact that it was our minds that were, and are, polluted. Recycling and removing toxic waste begin within ourselves.

God’s mercy yet again invites us. And in an era of information, we can no longer deny the message. In this darkness, may God restore our light.

Our collective awakening awaits based on our individual efforts. This is our time for prayer and contemplation.

We humbly accept this unique opportunity to ascend to new heights and surrender to God wholeheartedly.

A collective shift is in order. Look deep within the pain and fear, deeper, deeper. And stay there. In that sacred space. This. 

You may also enjoy reading Mother Nature’s Hourglass: A Biologist Reminds Us That Time Is Running Out by Dave Cannon

The post An Awakening of the Soul, of Humanity, of our Relationship with Earth appeared first on BEST SELF.

In a story of the past repeating itself, a survivor of the 2009 swine flu pandemic in Mexico recalls events eerily similar to today’s coronavirus crisis

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What happens when a flu epidemic hits a city of 20 million people, and authorities fear a pandemic?

It is Sunday, April 29, 2009. Before I take my second step off the bus in Mexico City inbound from Acapulco, a waiting police officer hands me a face mask. Before I can decide whether to put it on (since only 20% of the people are wearing them), I accidentally drop it on the floor of a nearby subway station. Should I strap it on my face now? I must pick my poison. I decide to stick the mask in my pocket and stay five feet away from everyone else. When I planned my trip, I hadn’t foreseen getting crowded together with my share of the 20 million inhabitants.

That evening, 12 of 20 passengers in my subway car wear one style or another of the surgical-type mask. I can’t see most people’s faces, only their eyes, but they see my whole face.

People are looking at each other closely, wondering “Who amongst us has the flu?”

The churches still have masses. The movie theatres are open. But all schools in this capital city are ordered to close for 10 days, starting tomorrow. Two brothers who are on the street selling face masks for $4 that have a 30-cent wholesale value are arrested based on outrage and charged with obstructing a public way.

On Monday, I visit the Mexico City tourist information kiosk in the huge Zocalo central plaza a block from my $15 a night hotel. I’m told the museums are closed which is unfortunate since I’d planned to go to the best museum in Mexico, the National Museum of Anthropology. Visits in previous years for a few hours at a time weren’t enough.

I’m seated in the mega church-sized Cathedral facing the Zocalo. I need to sneeze really bad, but I’m sure everyone would start praying for me (and themselves), so I suppress the urge. Outside, police hand out face masks. I accept one. I’m now wearing it in this internet cafe, like all the other customers because my face is hot.

Yesterday, the flu was the suspected cause of 50 deaths. This morning’s paper says it is 103. The internet reports it is 150.

I decide to treat myself to a Starbuck’s coffee. When I sit down inside to drink it, the security guard tells me to enjoy it on the open-air patio next to the sidewalk. A young man dressed for business asks if he can share my table, since no one may sit inside for fear of spreading the disease.

On Tuesday, the TV news is 100% focused on the swine flu: “Wear your mask. If you don’t, at least cover your coughs and sneezes with your forearm or bent elbow. Don’t greet anyone with a handshake or kiss. Wash your hands often.” The schools in all of Mexico are closed, not just those in the capital. At Starbucks, I may no longer sit on the outdoor patio. I do go in and sit at McDonalds, under speakers blaring loud music. I ask the manager to turn the volume down. He turns it off. No one else is there to enjoy it.

I’m now used to the mask hanging around my neck when it’s not on my face.

I go to the exclusive department store, Sanborns, to buy pastries to take out. As I enter I pull the mask up over my face. “Why is it all wet?” I wonder. I suppose when I hopped in the shower an hour ago, I forgot to take it off and it hung around my neck. At least it’s clean. Maybe it’ll last double the usual two-day life span.

On Wednesday, the government orders all restaurants, except those serving take-out food, to close. A line of masked customers stands outside of a Burger King waiting to order take-out. They’re allowed in, two or three at a time. I walk into Cafe Santo Domingo, next to the awe-inspiring Santo Domingo Church from the 1600’s, but after I purchase coffee, I’m on the street again. People snack on the few benches in the city. On mine is a homeless man. I don’t think he’s eaten today. Banamex, the mega-bank, urges customers to use its internet website. And, it says, please don’t come into the bank unless you’re wearing a mask (this is a time made for the likes of Jesse James).

Now 17 of 21 passengers in my subway car wear masks. The hundreds of cineplexes, cinemexes, cinepolises and other movie theatres are all closed. The bars have long since been shuttered, and all music concerts cancelled. The churches no longer say mass.

The city seems to be slowly melting away.

Tomorrow I’m making a bee-line for the U.S., with early stops at the Louisville Slugger Factory and the Louisville Bats Triple-A stadium and its 12,000 flu-free fanatics. Piece by piece, I’ll be home in Minnesota, where news will report every day on the epidemic I just survived.

Several years later, a research team reported that this H1N1 swine flu was a pandemic responsible for at least 17,000 deaths worldwide (and perhaps far more than that). Apparently, it originated in pigs from a very small region in central Mexico. (Science News, June 27, 2016, reporting the findings of a team headed by investigators at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai Hospital.) The scientists said that their finding is the first time that the origin of an influenza pandemic virus was determined in such detail. The virus, they found, “was a mix of one North American swine virus that had jumped between birds, humans and pigs, and a second Eurasian swine virus, that circulated for more than 10 years in pigs in Mexico.” Then one emergent strain gained the capacity to infect humans. According to a lead researcher, “you cannot ignore small geographic areas with pig farms,” where the 2009 pandemic originated, “and which the next, perhaps more severe global flu may come from.”

The 2009 pandemic lasted over a year. It has continued to circulate as a seasonal influenza in several parts of the world, including the U.S. and Mexico. Hopefully we can all learn from this global pandemic.

You may also enjoy reading The Virus of Fear: How to Cope with Fear in Times of Uncertainty by Sara Fabian.

The post Stepping Off a Bus into An Epidemic appeared first on BEST SELF.

Taking the time to focus on your own wellbeing is an essential part of parenting happy and well-adjusted children

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Being a mom of two, I face my fair share of daily challenges.  There are the organizational nightmares when my partner is away on business (which happens more often than we’d both like). There is the constant need to make sure that we eat a healthy, wholesome diet. And let’s not forget about the pressure to keep up with the laundry while organizing playdates, afterschool activities, and at-home entertainment that goes beyond mind-numbing screens.

Yet in the midst of this daily grind, there is one thing I never compromise on: my self-care.

I sometimes feel like I need to defend my self-care choices to certain friends and family members who hold onto antiquated ideas that by taking time for myself, I’m putting my children second. In reality, this couldn’t be farther away from the truth.

Growing up, I did not witness my parents taking good enough care of themselves. And research tells me I’m not alone. I make my self-care a priority because I truly believe that it’s important that I set this example for my children. Perhaps even more importantly, putting my own health first is a big step in allowing myself to be around for them for many years to come. If that comes off as selfish to anyone, well, the joke’s on them.

I’m not one of those hardcore women who went back to work two weeks after giving birth. To be honest, I’m surprised to learn that 25% of women in the US have had to return to work during this incredibly short period. These women are absolute legends. Queens. Heroines.

Instead, I had the luxury of staying home and taking care of both my babies (and myself) for a full 12 weeks. But seeing that I’m self-employed, even getting back to my daily pre-baby routine was made easier because I could show up at my office (just 15 feet from my bedroom) in my pajamas and work whenever I wanted.

Now that the babies are not babies anymore, I do implement a lot more structure in my work life — and I make sure my children know this.

They are aware that after I drop them off at school, I’m headed to work in my little office. They understand that when I have to nip away for a few hours during the weekend to finish up a project, they know not to disturb me. My partner and I also regularly talk to them about our professional lives, and why it’s important to be committed to and happy with what you do for a living.

I like to think I am establishing myself as a good professional role model for my children. I also make a clear effort to keep myself healthy.

In our household, we adhere to the ancient Mens sana in corpore sano philosophy. If your Latin is a bit rusty, that translates to “a healthy mind in a healthy body.” I try to teach my kids about the importance of eating well, exercising, limiting technology use, spending time outdoors, and participating in de-stressing activities such as reading, drawing, and learning. And the biggest way I contribute to them (hopefully) establishing positive habits is by setting a good example.

I try to take at least two yoga classes per week . If I can’t make it to a class, I work out at home and include my kids when possible. It’s not always as calm and challenging as I’d want it to be, but luckily they enjoy it enough to go along with it. In addition to this mobility work, I also try to fit in a couple of 20-minute morning runs, or a long weekend hike with the whole family.

In terms of nutrition, we try to eat at home as much as possible. Sometimes we cook together and make sure we include a lot of veggies in our meals. Completely cutting out sugar and junk food is one of our biggest struggles thanks to peer pressure and colorful packaging. One effective way we’ve found not to eat junk food has been experimenting with eating a paleo diet for a week at the time. 

In addition to focusing on ourselves, my husband and I also try to teach our children the importance of spending time with those we love.

One way we prioritize healthy relationships is by eating breakfast together as a family. While eating nutritious food, we talk about the day ahead and the challenges we’re yet to face. After dinner, we talk, read, play music, or participate in a little bit of family competition by taking out a board game. 

Once the kids have gone to bed, it’s mommy and daddy time — one of the most valuable parts of my day. Whether we get a babysitter and go on a date or decide to stay home and just talk, these are the moments in our otherwise busy days when we can focus on ourselves and our relationship.

I’ve seen several friends who simply couldn’t keep their connection with their partner post-baby, so we make a conscious effort to stay connected. We also go to couple’s therapy once a month to helps us address any issues we may have in a timely manner, without allowing them to get out of control.

By keeping ourselves engaged and grounded in our relationship, my husband and I feel like we’re providing a more stable environment for our children. Furthermore, we’re hoping that one day, they too will prioritize partnerships that are based on trust, respect, and true friendship.

We also support each other’s passions. 

My way of unwinding is to write; my children, on the other hand, aren’t that into pen and paper. Nonetheless, I make sure they know how much my passion means to me and how important it is for me to pursue it. Similarly, I try to encourage them to commit themselves to their passions — even when those include DIY-ing slime. 

I’m happy to say that my older kid has finally found something he genuinely enjoys: karate lessons. While definitely not my cup of tea, I’m 100% behind him pursuing this passion for as long as it makes him feel fulfilled. After all, nothing makes me as happy as knowing that my children are finding their own way in the world.

I realize that I’m very lucky to have my support system. But I also know that I have the support I do because I am committed to being my own advocate. 

The best way to take good care of others is to take equally good care of yourself. At the end of the day, it’s not selfish for a parent to focus on themselves; it’s necessary. 

You may also enjoy reading The Secret to Successful Motherhood (That Took Me 21 Years to Learn), by Rebekah Borucki

The post Happy Parent, Happy Child: Why It’s Not Selfish to Focus on Yourself appeared first on BEST SELF.

Small yet significant changes to reduce the internal and external stressors in your life and help you to live more consciously… for yourself and our planet

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Do you know what’s in the products that you’re using to clean your home, nurture your skin, and care for your children? 

Studies have shown that half of Americans are unaware that the products they use every day contain petroleum-based ingredients or petrochemicals. That’s 165 billion people that are unknowingly welcoming toxins into their homes. Not too long ago, I was one of them.

Inspired by my Paris-born mother, I’ve always been relatively conscious about the products I use, the foods I eat, and my lifestyle choices.

I naively trusted that if something was labeled as ‘natural’, that meant it was safe for me and the planet. It seems logical, right?

When I got pregnant with my firstborn, something shifted. Rather than operating under an assumption, I wanted to know what was actually in the products I was using. I soon realized that to protect myself and my family, I needed to make some significant changes, to strip everything back to the basics. My goal was to live simply, consciously and naturally, free of chemicals and worry. While it’s my business, it’s just one piece of the puzzle.

I find that establishing routines is the secret to achieving this, even when my life seems to be moving at tremendous speeds.

It’s my daily rituals surrounding food, movement, skincare, and more that have helped me stay grounded, even in chaos. They’ve helped me carve my path in pursuit of my wildest dreams, including creating my skincare business PRĀZ. Want to know what I learned? Here are 6 key takeaways:

1. Cleanse Your Mind

The mind is a powerful thing. It’s incredible how much our lives can change if we simply choose to take a step back, pause, and then make decisions not clouded by fear, resentment, and all of those other emotions that hold us back. 

For me adopting a daily meditation practice has been a game-changer. I tend to operate at a rapid pace, mentally and physically, but meditation has given me the space that I desperately need to slow down and organize my thoughts. Without it, I’d be chasing dreams left and right. 

Put It Into Practice:

Adopting a meditation practice can be a daunting task, so remember that it’s a practice, not a perfect. It takes time and experimentation. If you’re new to meditation, I recommend starting with your breath. Find a quiet space to sit with your eyes closed start to breathe deeply. Notice the changes throughout your body as you inhale and exhale. By focusing on what’s shifting physically, see if you can let go of some of the mental distractions. Do this for as long as it feels productive.  

2. Move Your Body

As humans, we are built to move. Yet somehow, over time, we’ve found ourselves in cars, behind desks, and slumped into couches. If I’m ever feeling sluggish, cranky, or stiff, the first thing I ask myself is, “Did you move today?” 

My favorite way to get my blood flowing is to hit my yoga mat. Most days, I’m too busy with meetings and toddler chasing to get to a studio, so I rely on podcasts from Yoga To The People. It’s great because I can do it on my own time when distractions are low. Some days my practice is vigorous; other days slow and steady. My goal is to take the time to honor what I need on that specific day.

Put It Into Practice:

The key to incorporating more movement into your life is to find something that you enjoy. If you don’t like it, it’s going to feel like a chore. It can take a little bit of trial and error, so be open to experimentation. Drop into that yoga studio that you walk by every single day. Join your friend at Pilates when they ask you for the millionth time. If you desperately need “me time,” lace up those old running shoes and enjoy some fresh air. 

3. Eat Purposefully

Food is the essence of life. Who doesn’t love to eat? It’s one of my favorite ways to nourish my family. I make fresh juices daily, even for the little. I love trying new recipes. And there’s no better place to gather than around the table.

Unlike many consumer goods, the food industry is a bit ahead of the curve. There are standards in place for product labels and markets exist to provide us with incredible fresh ingredients from local farmers. And, most importantly, consumers are educated on the impact of what we eat. All that said, we still need to consider things like pesticides and food transit. In doing so, we’re able to ensure our foods are helping both our bodies and our planet thrive. 

Put It Into Practice:

When it comes to cleaning up your diet, start small. Set realistic goals and then implement them one at a time. If you want to reduce your food radius, get familiar with your local farmer’s market for produce, bread products, meats, cheeses, eggs, and more. You’d be amazed just how easily you can stock your pantry without visiting a big-box grocery store. Challenge yourself to cook only with ingredients that you’ve sourced locally. 

4. Nourish Your Skin

My French mother exposed me to the importance of a daily skincare routine rooted in nature. Together we’d venture to the garden to pick herbs which she’d then use to nourish her beautiful skin. Fast forward to my twenties. I lived in New York City {read: small space} while getting my own photography business off the ground {read: no time}. I still opted for a skincare routine that was natural and simplistic, but I was putting a lot of trust into mass marketed products. I didn’t always have the time to make my own. Then I got pregnant. 

That’s when I began to educate myself on the impact of the skincare products I was using. The more I learned, the more saddened and scared I became. Did you know the EU has banned over 1,300 chemicals for cosmetic use whereas the US has only banned 11. Yikes! Leveraging the skills my mother taught me, I was inspired to develop products from food-grade ingredients — products I could trust for myself, and my family.

Put It Into Practice:

Dig through the skincare products that you have sitting in the cabinet. Set them out and read the labels. Really read them looking for buzzwords such as parabens, phthalates, BHT, toluene, diethanolamine, triclosan, and fragrance. Manufacturers use ‘fragrance’  to hide nearly any ingredient as long as it somehow enhances the scent of the product. Protected under the Fair Packaging and Labeling Act, companies use this to get creative with their recipes, even the ‘natural’ ones. If any of your skincare products contain any of these ingredients, find a safe way to dispose of them ASAP.

5. Clean Your House

Remember when you could find a bottle of Pledge and 409 under nearly every kitchen sink in the US? Since then, studies have shown how detrimental these products are to our health. One 2009 study, conducted across ten countries, found that popular spray cleaners can increase the risk of asthma by 30-50%. Scary! 

Luckily, people are starting to recognize that we are indeed a product of our environment and thus demand products that are better for our families, pets, waterways, and the air that we all share. Now you can easily find natural cleaning supplies in your neighborhood marketplace. Or for the ambitious, you can even concoct your own with simple and natural ingredients. 

Put It Into Practice:

I won’t lie. I secretly love making my cleaning supplies. At home, I can mix everything in a mason jar, add a spray nozzle, and I’m set for weeks — much cheaper than store bought products and no wasteful packaging required! My go-to solution is 1⁄2 cup of white vinegar, two tablespoons of baking soda, and water. When I’m feeling fancy, I add a couple of drops of my favorite essential oils. 

6. Shop Consciously

As a consumer, I consider the ingredients of the products that I buy, as well as how they are sourced, packaged, and what their impact is on our planet. This means tuning out the marketing campaigns because let’s be honest, ‘natural’ has become a buzzword. Instead, start taking into account what’s inside as well as how it’s wrapped up… which is often a ton of plastic. 

Put It Into Practice:

Next time you find yourself at the grocery store or itching to make a purchase online, take into consideration all of the packaging required to bring that product into your home. This includes any shipping materials, plastic wrapping, and the materials used in the product itself. If you still want to go ahead with your purchase, learn to carefully read labels. Daunting at first, this can quickly become second nature. A good rule of thumb is that if you can’t pronounce it, don’t ingest it or put it on your skin.

You may also enjoy reading Feeling Good: 9 Ways to Naturally Increase Your Dopamine Levels by Lynda Arbon

The post 6 Simple & Healthy Choices For You, Your Home and Our Planet appeared first on BEST SELF.

Divorce can be traumatic for both parents and children, but consistent empathy and love can help your kids navigate this trying experience

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Many parents are clamoring for answers. As a mom of two toddler boys, I get the need to calm questions with soothing solutions, but here are some lessons better learned from real life experiences than from parenting books.

My parents divorced when I was 3 years old; their separation didn’t bring me peace. Instead, I witnessed conflict and emotional havoc that led me to seek a master’s degree in Counseling Psychology. Those early lessons, coupled with my later professional experiences, have given me insight into the minds of children that I use to parent my own kids today. 

Here are 4 things I have learned that may help you navigate the most difficult stages of your child’s life: 

1. Love Them No Matter What

Divorce is a difficult thing to go through. It also changes your worldview. When parents are arguing all the time, it can make children feel like they are in the middle and have to choose sides. I had a friend who was going through a divorce. At the time, her son seemed to favor his father. He reacted by being terrible to her and she was understandably upset. When she was at her wit’s end, I told her, “He’s probably just having a hard time with it. No matter what, don’t give up on him. Make sure he knows you love him.” Thankfully, she chose to stay open and loving toward her son regardless of how he was acting. As a result, they ended up growing closer despite the divorce.

2. Ask Them About Their Life (Even If They Act Like They Don’t Want You To) 

For my marriage and family therapy internship, I counseled middle school kids — one of the hardest age groups to reach. Their hormones are racing. They’re heading towards young adulthood but are still kids. Your pre-teen or teen may act like they could care less about what you think. After eye rolls and snappy answers, you might want to give up. But don’t! A lot of the students I saw treated me the same way… but it was just a test: 

How much are you willing to show you care about me? Do you love me enough to care about my world and all the things in it?

If you keep trying, they will eventually open up. Those years are so tenuous, but if you give up, you’ll lose a window of opportunity to really know your teen.

3. Listen To Them (Even When You Think They Are Being Dramatic) 

Adolescence is fraught with extreme emotions. One day, she loves everybody. The next day, she hates you and the world. It’s hard to keep up, but it’s important to listen even when you think they’re overdoing it. I had a client who was suicidal. When I approached her mother, she felt my concern was unwarranted. “It’s not like she’s really going to do it,” she said. Serious expressions are a cry for help and deserve attention. Flippant remarks or an apparent lack of concern — even when it’s not concerning suicide — can push your pre-teen away when they need you the most.

4. Remember That They Still Need You 

Your son or daughter may act like he or she is independent and doesn’t need you anymore, but no matter what they say or how they act, they do need you. Sometimes they’ll intentionally push you away just to test you. I had a client who was strong, smart, and appeared older than his age. He never complained, but I believed that underneath all that attitude was a scared thirteen-year-old boy who was waiting for someone to say…

“It’s okay. You don’t have to be an adult and carry the world on your shoulders. I’m here for you.”

Going through divorce is tumultuous for everyone involved. In the heat of navigating life with your new ex — especially if there is irreparable damage from an affair or another event leading to mistrust — it’s difficult not to get triggered or to let go of the need to win every argument to prove you are right. The goal might never be to have a friendship with your ex; the goal might just be to minimize arguing in front of your kids. This doesn’t mean you should forget what happened in your relationship. But it does mean acting like the adult by focusing on the impact of your divorce on your child.

You may also enjoy reading Rescripting Divorce | A Conscious Path to Separation, by Julie Gannon

The post 4 Critical Practices for Parents of Children Navigating Divorce appeared first on BEST SELF.

Incorporating service into her family life helped one mother teach her children the profound importance of helping one another

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As parents negotiating our small children’s lives, many of us seek out books and information on how to not screw up our kids, tapping into the wisdom of more experienced adults who have lived through the trials of raising young humans in this complicated world and have come out on the other side with well-adjusted adults. 

So, it was not surprising when a young father recently asked me for the ‘magic trick’ that will turn his own children into children resembling my two sons.

This young father, who has known my boys since they were young, has often remarked on how impressed he is with their maturity and moral compass.

I am not sure what he was expecting, because if I had the answer to that question, I would be a wealthy woman. But I assume he was expecting solutions like “stress structure,” “allow time for creative play,” and “teach manners and responsibility.” Although I believe each of these skills will indeed assist in the growth and maturity of any young person, my response of, “Get involved in community service” had him furrowing his brow with a look of skepticism. No magic here.

After a few moments, I continued: “The most important thing my husband and I did was to make community service a priority in your boys’ lives.”

I am not saying that we wanted to expose our children to those who have less than them to make them grateful, like the people who say, “finish your food because children are starving in Africa.” First of all, expressing this to children will probably not be well understood; it also fosters the idea that service is punishment for ‘rotten’ behavior. Secondly, that mindset is highly abusive and manipulative to those you are helping; those who need assistance aren’t your teaching tools — they are people humbly asking for help.

My children are the direct descendants of a family of ‘doers’. When we first moved to our small suburban town, my husband sought out an organization where he could donate his time. The local ELK’s Lodge provided him with an opportunity to raise money and awareness for charities and also build a network of friends. As soon as the boys were old enough, we would take them to serve cake and juice at the senior citizen picnics. The kids loved the attention they received from the elderly who saw them as the adorable kids they were. It didn’t hurt that many of the picnickers would give them quarters or dollars as a thank you. 

From there, we tried the same approach with an organization helping the handicapped. Maybe this one was not as ‘fun’, but it did help my healthy boys to see that not everyone is the same. We never had to tell them to be kind to others in spite of their differences because for them, everyone who was kind to them received kindness in return.

And if they faced a person who wasn’t helpful or giving, we just reminded them that sometimes people have pain that you can’t see.

I don’t want you to think we only introduced our kids to the harsh realities of life, aging, and disabilities because they also spent many a Christmas season selling Christmas trees for charity. I can still see their smiling faces as our two little guys, bundled in snowsuits, helped to drag a six-foot tree to the car of a waiting family. Years later, without much persuasion, they still love the idea of bringing Christmas joy to people. This year, they introduced their girlfriends to the practice, neither of whom has ever done anything like this. Their joy was so palpable that I think this might become a new part of our family’s Thanksgiving traditions.

These unselfish lessons have taught my sons humility. They have incredible respect for the elderly and understand that it only takes a few moments to change someone’s day. They also learned that different is not less. To this day, my boys are the ones offering a hand or support to anyone who needs it. The most important lesson they learned was that they are fortunate for their family, home, and health, things that are not to be taken for granted.

We all have continued doing service, both in our communities and work environments. Recently one of my sons was tasked by his company to organize a fundraiser for Make a Wish. The other son regularly gives blood (he says he HAS to do it every eight weeks, because “if I don’t do it, I can’t expect others to help me when I need it”) and participated in Operation Christmas Child to collect boxes of presents to ship to orphanages. 

I am currently involved in many projects to better my community and I often speak to groups of college students about the need for service. Their immediate response is always, “I don’t have the time.” Between job, family, school, and life, there are just not any more hours to give, but inevitably, once I start talking about the success stories and the very personal impact we have had on others’ lives, these students can’t wait to jump in. When you find something that you can devote X hours a week doing, you will be amazed by how the time makes itself available.

Community service has cognitive, social, and physiological benefits. 

It is an integral part of religious traditions stretching back for centuries. There is a common thread through all religions (Jewish, Sikh, Hindu, Christian, etc.) that service is the way to a more vibrant, fulfilling spiritual life. In a recent study from the University of Nevada Reno, Molly Latham found that teens say the benefits received from volunteering include: 

• Learning to respect others
• Learning to be helpful and kind
• Learning to understand people who are different
• Developing leadership skills
• Becoming more patient
• Acquiring a better understanding of citizenship

Service helps both the giver and receiver; this is not a new idea. The recently passed Ram Dass, a psychology professor-turned-spiritual teacher, explains this beautifully:

“Helping out is not some special skill. It is not the domain of rare individuals. It is not confined to a single part of our lives. We heed the call of that natural impulse within and follow it where it leads us.”

But to be clear, service is not something you should do because you want accolades. Without a doubt, much good comes from putting yourself second for a few moments, but for me, the reason to get my family involved in service is that I now have good human beings. And let’s be honest, isn’t that what we want most for our children? 

As Martin Luther King Jr. so aptly said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that… Haters cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” We need to show our children how to be that light that will lead to a brighter future.

You may also enjoy reading The C4 Way: Empowering Youth to be Their Best Selves, by Joy McManigal.

The post The Importance of Community Service in Shaping the Values of Our Children appeared first on BEST SELF.

Inspired by her own childhood cancer, one young woman is moved to combine her love of cycling with her charitable spirit to help others combat this disease

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[The following questions were posed by Bill Miles, co-founder and creative director of Best Self Media]

Q: Life dealt you a less than auspicious hand from the start, having been diagnosed with cancer at 2 months old. Do you have memories of life with cancer? Can you tell us a little about how that impacted your early childhood and how the cancer has played out since?

During a routine newborn checkup, my pediatrician felt an abnormal mass in my stomach. Days later, I was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma (stage 4S) at two-months-old. Stage 4S disease has a high rate of spontaneous regression and surgery is the primary treatment for low-risk tumors. Fortunately, my surgery was successful, leaving me cancer-free. I feel extremely fortunate that surgery alone was an option; many children with childhood cancers end up facing chemo and radiation treatments. Although I was too young to remember the surgery, I do remember how my diagnosis and the anticipation of my yearly checkups affected my family, especially my parents over the years. Growing up, I went to many appointments and underwent special observation for about ten years. At first, it was a bit scary to be constantly waiting for answers and undergoing tests, but soon after I become fascinated with medicine, ultimately driving me to pursue a career as a Physician Assistant (PA). 

Q: You’re an avid cyclist — how did your interest develop and how has it served you?

I was always a sports enthusiast growing up. From skiing, lacrosse and running cross-country, to field hockey and basketball, I’ve always had a passion for competing and staying healthy. While pursuing my undergraduate degree, I decided to focus on my studies and stopped playing team sports. I still went to the gym regularly, but it wasn’t until I participated in some spin (cycling) classes that I felt that sense of competitiveness and unity again. After graduating college, I moved to New York City and continued to take spin classes at some competitive and rhythm-based studios with amazing music. It was an incredible way to spend quality time with friends and I always left feeling great. For me, spinning has been a consistent healthy energy outlet and a restorative low-impact exercise that I enjoy. 

Q: How did you come to ride for Cycle for Survival? Please tell us about the event and why participants support it.

 After graduating from Duke University in 2015, I started working at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center as a Research Study Assistant in the Genitourinary Group, where I helped run the experimental clinical phase trials for the treatment of Renal Cell Carcinoma. It was during this experience that I was introduced to Cycle for Survival, a movement created to beat rare cancers by raising money to fund research. While working at MSK, the positive effects of the funds raised during Cycle for Survival were tangible. New research projects were funded in part by funds raised through Cycle for Survival’s efforts. When I started PA school, I thought creating “Team Touro PAs” for Cycle for Survival was a great way to bring everyone together and contribute toward funding a great cause. 

The first year, we had about ten people and one class participate, but now in our third year as a team, our team has over forty people from three different classes. It’s been incredible to watch interest and passion grow over the years with Team Touro Pas. Efforts culminate in a four-hour, team-based cycling event including hundreds of other cyclists, led by incredible instructors to help everyone push through the four-hour spin, especially for those that can’t. Every rider has their own personal reason for supporting Cycle for Survival’s efforts to beat rare cancers — maybe it’s a sister, brother, friend, parent, aunt, uncle…the list goes on and on. 

The inspiration I feel at each year’s event is the reason I keep returning — I can’t get enough.  It’s inspiring to see people of all different backgrounds with their own unique stories come together for this important cause. I ride for my family and friends battling cancer, for those that have lost their battle, and for my future patients.

Q: You seem to be on a quest for learning and living your best self, and helping others do the same. What’s next — what’s your vision for what you’d like to accomplish going forward?

The first thing on my to do list is to be certified as a PA by passing the Physician Assistant National Certifying Exam (PANCE).  For over a year, I’ve been in the clinical phase of my program, training in different specialties for five to six weeks at a time at different hospitals. As a PA, I’m looking forward to practicing medicine within my community and learning from the people around me every day. I’m also excited to connect with patients on a recurring basis and work in assisting them with their illnesses, injuries and problems. I want to advocate for my patients and ensure they always feel comfortable with me as their provider. 

Q: Thank you for sharing with us today. Any final words of wisdom for other Millennials (or anyone!) wanting to better themselves and the world we live in?

My final words of wisdom would be to love yourself and be vulnerable with yourself. In light of society’s increasing use of social media, it’s so easy to think about all of the things you want to do and compare yourself to others. Don’t forget to make time for yourself to recharge your own battery to improve your mental health. Even if you do one thing today that gets you closer to your individual goals, you’re still one step closer than yesterday and that’s progress! I think it’s so important to take the time to care for yourself, whether that means getting a quick nap in, exercising or even just meditating for a bit. With everything I do, I make it a point to keep my favorite words written by Paul Kalanithi close…

“You can never reach perfection, but you can believe in an asymptote toward which you are ceaselessly striving.”

You may also enjoy reading Fuck Cancer: The Steep Trek Up Recovery Hill by Jennifer Lynch

The post Cycling for Life: Q&A with Cancer Survivor and Charitable Activist Blake Bohlig appeared first on BEST SELF.

Despite a life of upheaval and constant change, one resilient and positive woman was able to transform herself into a vibrant leader

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When I was 7 years old, my family’s future was changed forever when the Iranian revolution hit. 

My father, an executive director of a textile company, was a target of those who opposed the Shah and his ministry. In less than 24 hours and with just 3 suitcases, my mother, two sisters and I, boarded an airplane to France with no clue of what the future held. My father stayed behind to take care of his employees but had to go into hiding for his own safety. Unfortunately, it did not take long for the government to use his remaining family as a way to bring him in and send him to prison. When this happened, his whole life was seized — money, properties, and business — and the life we knew vanished.

Growing up, I was a naturally happy, yet quiet, child who observed and absorbed everything around me. I admired my dad’s business acumen as he brought commerce to rural areas of Iran, built factories and subsidized housing, created jobs for locals so they could send their children abroad to gain MBAs and become leaders in their communities. But with his livelihood and our home now gone, I understood we had to create something different. 

When we arrived in Nice, France, my sisters and I entered a boarding school where the kids were much older than me and my younger sister. While my mother searched for a new home for us, I recall thinking I had two choices: Stay inside, hiding from others, or get to know as many people as possible despite not knowing when I would leave again. 

I chose the latter because even then, I knew life was something to be celebrated and I was determined to find out how. 

By a miracle, my father was released from Iranian custody after some months and joined us in France. When I was 11, we relocated to Los Angeles, where my dad built a successful business supporting the retail sector. However, after five natural disasters in as many years, we endured significant losses and were again forced to rebuild.

A devastating earthquake also hit LA shortly after I got married, expediting our move to the East Coast, and altering my plans to go to Medical School. Add to that colicky twin girls, growing debts, and a pending divorce, and again I was facing an unpredictable future for me and my daughters.  

I started by getting clear on how much money I needed to prosper…

Enough to pay off the debts of yesterday and the bills of today. Enough to take care of myself and the twins while leaving room for the future, including college funds. 

I went to a recruitment firm to apply for healthcare jobs. My first interview was so successful that the recruitment consultant approached me, suggesting I consider a job as a recruiter in the tech industry. It could pay a lot more, and even though it wasn’t my background, the skills I had were very aligned to this career path. The only catch was that the job on offer was based on 100% commission! This was a far cry from the guaranteed income I’d set out to secure, but I knew my work habits and knew I would do whatever was required to make enough money to support my family. 

After asking my parents if they would loan me money if I really needed it (I never did), I put my negotiating skills to the test with my prospective employer. They agreed to pay me a salary for the first three months of the job, just enough to cover my bills until I was up to speed and earning commissions.

Greater than the risks, I saw the possibilities. It didn’t occur to me to feel intimidated about learning a new field or working in a male-dominated sector.

To me, being different — a woman with a unique perspective — was an advantage and a way to stand out and eventually succeed.

Watching my father lose and create money multiple times and being in a family that leaped into the unknown and thrived, helped me to discover my own determination to make the most of whatever was in front of me. This became the basis for the leadership perspective I embody today as a resilient leader, someone who can lead without having to live through earthquakes and revolutions!

Here are five takeaways from my journey that can also help you create greater success and joy in your life:

1. You are your own creative force

No matter my financial or personal situation, I’ve always recognized that I am the creative force in my life. I can always create more by simply taking action and seeking it out. I knew from watching my family rebuild itself that making choices today would lead me to a greater future. The questions I ask continually are… 

“What do I need to do now to create the future I desire and know is possible? What can I choose today that will allow my tomorrow to be greater?”

When you recognize that you are the creative force and source in your own life, things such as money, homes, and livelihoods can only go away temporarily. If you have you, you have everything you need to create anything you desire.

2. Embrace life as an adventure

By choosing to embrace life in France as an adventure, I chose a path of possibilities. Hiding away and limiting my experiences made no sense to my 7-year-old self… and it still doesn’t as an adult. Why live trying to avoid risks, problems and potential roadblocks, things which only will cause anxiety and stress as you try to control the uncontrollable? It’s more fun and more expansive to live life as an adventure and allow unpredictability to be a springboard for infinite possibilities.

The greatest possibilities you have are always just beyond your imagination or ability to think or figure things out. I embrace going beyond the limits of my mind by asking:

“What else is possible here I have never considered? What choices do I have that I don’t even know I have yet?”

Every choice you make — no matter how little — creates your future. I learned to look at what my choices would create in my life: “Will this choice create more or less for me?” I have learned to trust and follow my instincts. If I’m unsure, I just choose and find out what happens. If it doesn’t work out, at least I know more now as I make my next choice. 

3. Nurture yourself and your body

Early on in my tech career, I worked so much that I hardly saw my daughters. I knew this wasn’t sustainable and needed to change. When I committed to nurturing myself more, opportunities to support that instantly presented themselves. I found a new job with better hours and more money.  I also began listening to the niggles in my body — pain, stiffness, mind-fog, stress. I noticed that when I chose to do something joyful and rejuvenating for my body in response, relaxation and inspiration came flooding in! Creating and innovating in business became easier because I was happier and more vibrant.

Have you ever heard the saying: Money follows joy? 

So much more is possible when we include joy into our existence and remember that force and struggle aren’t necessary. Imagine what more you would be capable of if you allowed yourself to be more joyful and ease-filled!

4. Stay curious 

No matter how much or how little you start with, expanding your world and creating a greater tomorrow is always possible. The easiest way to grow and expand is to be curious and ask questions. When you do this, you will notice that there is always more to know, more people to talk to, more to discover. 

My favorite questions for expanding my awareness of possibilities in life and business are these:

• Where can I put my attention and resources today that will create more now and in the future?
• Where can I go and who can I talk to who can contribute to it becoming even greater?
• What else is possible with this that I’ve not considered before?
• What choices will benefit me, my business, and my family to get where I truly desire to go?

5. Never give up, never stop, never quit

I learned a mantra from Access Consciousness many years ago that I love: 

“All of life comes to me with ease and joy and glory.” 

It is a brilliant reminder that whatever is going on — good, bad, or ugly — ease, joy and glory are always available. For me, ‘glory’ is about the exuberance, gratitude, and celebration for all I have and can choose, even in dark or intense times. It is this perspective that has allowed me to be most resilient and never give up. 

Sure, there will be ups and down in life that you can’t control. But how you allow them to influence you is totally your choice. Possibilities don’t end just because the unexpected, unplanned, or even undesired shows up; they only end when we stop seeking them. 

Becoming a refugee early in life started me on the journey to become the leader, entrepreneur and facilitator of empowerment that I enjoy being today. I am grateful for every question I’ve asked and every choice I’ve made along the way. Together, they’ve shown me that no matter what, there is always a light, always a way forward, always a greater future… if you are willing to choose it.

You may also enjoy reading How To Enhance Your Wellbeing Through Balance and Non-Negotiables by Dena Argryopolou

The post From Refugee to Revival: A Journey of Resilience & Abundance & 5 Principles to Live By appeared first on BEST SELF.

With the rising threats of climate change, pollution and social injustice, it’s urgent that businesses and consumers adopt more sustainable practices

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As we head into 2020, it’s becoming more and more important for consumers and brands to make sustainable choices. Many scientists believe that we are already in the midst of a global disaster. If the government, big companies, and individuals don’t make strides to help the environment, there will be irreversible damage done to the earth in just a few years. 

Conscious living for individuals can lead to a healthier lifestyle, but its important to consume from brands that have the same values.

No matter if you’re an entrepreneur or a Fortune 500 company, you should be adopting a sustainable business plan. Below are a handful of companies that are doing it right and allowing the consumer to make easy and green decisions they can feel good about. 

Sustainability is important when it comes to the items that we need for everyday use. From contacts to clothing, a customer should have an option to buy every essential item from an environmentally and socially responsible brand. 

Activewear

TALA is an activewear brand that makes huge strides towards sustainability. Their clothing is made from recycled materials which allows them to save on waste and use less water when manufacturing. Additionally, their factories are certified in their reduced use of toxic chemicals and greenhouse emissions. 

Skin and hair care

Love Beauty and Planet is an easily accessible brand, which is offered in-store at retailers like Target and Walmart. Their sustainability goals are vast, ranging from making their bottles from 100% recycled plastic and sourcing ingredients from other sustainable brands to reducing water usage by making their hair products fast-rinse for the consumer. 

Contacts and glasses

Warby Parker is a company that has implemented changes to their materials and processes recently to become more sustainable. For starters, their new contact lens brand, Scout, boasts innovative packaging. You can tell that they are smaller than traditional contact blister packs by just the look; however, you may not be aware that they use 80% less packing too. Additionally, Warby Parker has a long-standing program in which, with every pair of glasses bought by a consumer, a pair is given away to someone in need. The trickle-down benefits of this initiative are far-reaching, because it focuses on helping others that may not otherwise have access to vision-ware… or this sustainable brand! 

Outdoor clothing and gear

If you’re a lover of being outdoors, then shopping brands that are sustainable should be a priority for you as well. Patagonia is a brand that makes it clear they are in business to save our planet. They use their resources as a successful company, like their investments, their voice, and creativity to help our planet avoid extinction by committing to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, defend clean water and air, and support environmental campaigns. 

Shoes

Rothy’s shoes are made with cutting-edge green technology that uses recyclable plastic water bottles — how cool! To date, they’ve actually helped save the oceans from 37+ million water bottles by converting this waste into thread for their shoes. Plus, their factories strive for zero-waste manufacturing. Sustainability includes fair practices in the work environment as well, and Rothy’s treats their global employees with exceptional care and benefits.

Food

Being sustainable with your food intake is the number one way to reduce your carbon footprint, as we know, some diets poorly affect the environment. However, it’s not always convenient for everyone to shop local, from farmers, or grow their own produce so that’s why it’s important to shop food brands with sustainable efforts at their core. Stonyfield Farm is a company that has paved the way in organic food, making their customers and the planet healthier. In addition to organic fields where their cows graze and where their fruits and veggies grow, they now are on a mission to have fields where kids play all over the U.S. be free of harmful pesticides. 

Some of these brands are well-known and well-established. And while that gives them the advantage of having entire divisions which can focus on responsible practices, it’s easier than you may think as a small business owner to make your product and production sustainable. Take TALA, for example; it was founded in 2019 by a 22 year-old entrepreneur, who felt that above all else, fighting the fast-fashion industry with sustainability and affordability were important for her brand and customers. 

If you’re an up-and-coming entrepreneur, don’t say that becoming an eco-conscious brand is something you will work for down the road, once you’ve achieved a certain level of success. Rather, make the switch now so you can begin helping the planet now. (Spoiler alert: Your customers will take notice. Doing good can be good for your business!)

Remember, sustainability isn’t only on companies to make green decisions, but it’s also on the consumer as well…

Even the smallest of changes to be more conscious can make a big difference. If consumers are demanding companies to be better and shopping from brands whose views align with their own, this will help force sellers to make changes for the better. 

Being an informed consumer is one of the best ways you can make the decisions you want to support eco-friendly and sustainable companies. Knowing and supporting certified B Corps is a way you can help make a culture shift to build a more sustainable earth and economy. But how do you know if a business you support is a certified B Corp and what does that even mean? B Corporations, short for ‘benefit corporations’, are businesses that meet the highest standards of verified social and environmental performance while using their credibility and power as a business to address these issues. BLab, the non-profit organization that certifies these companies, does this based on how said companies can create value for their employees, their community, and the environment as a whole. It’s actually easier than you may think to find out if a company has been certified: BLab offers you an easy-to-use directory to find certified B Corps. 

Strive to spend your money wisely to support brands that are trying their hardest to be more earth — and people-friendly — and reject those that don’t. Although it may seem easier or more convenient to keep shopping the way you do now, it isn’t doing any favors for ourselves or the environment.

You may also enjoy reading Dancing With Mother Nature: An Adventure For Change Across Antarctica by Zita Liter

The post Putting Sustainability into Practice: A Guide for Brands and Consumers appeared first on BEST SELF.

Applying the decorating principles of Feng Shui can help to create a balanced, harmonious feeling to your living space and your life as a whole

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When I first heard about Feng Shui, I was fascinated not only by the concept that inanimate objects have energy, but also by the stunning visual appeal that’s inherent in spaces where the principles of Feng Shui have been applied.

As I delved a bit deeper, I discovered that Feng Shui isn’t just about decorating; it’s also about healing and problem solving. 

If you’re curious about these principles, I encourage you to spend some time studying Feng Shui. In the meantime, enjoy these strategies for making your home more beautiful with these helpful Feng Shui decorating rules. 

To start, let a bagua map be your guide to decorating the Feng Shui way. The word ‘bagua’ means ‘eight trigrams’. Traditional bagua maps contain eight trigrams arranged around an octagon. Western bagua maps consist of nine squares arranged to form a larger square. Both types of bagua maps involve a layout of a basic drawing of your home’s footprint which is then stretched to cover the entire home. 

All Feng Shui bagua maps contain the same areas which represent different principles. When taken together, they symbolize 9 vital aspects of life: 

Health — yellow, orange, pink, apricot, and gold colors

Symbolized by earth and situated at the center of the bagua map. The color green is typically avoided in the health section and wood décor is traditionally frowned upon. Since this section is all about balance and is used to tie other areas together, consider displaying something square, and make cleanliness and order a priority. An earthenware vase or another earthenware object provides a grounding effect. 

Career / Life Path — black and blue colors

Symbolized by water and aligned with the front door of your home. Earth items are traditionally avoided in this segment, as are bright colors. Consider welcoming energy into your home with a fountain, and decorate with mirrors, glass, and dark, grounding colors. Avoid placing a mirror of any kind directly opposite the front door, as this is traditionally believed to cause chi to leave before it can travel through the rest of your home; place it on a side wall instead. Traditional Feng Shui rules dictate that bagua mirrors ought to be placed outdoors only, as their primary use is to block negativity from entering, so position a mirror outdoors above the front door — never indoors in the life path zone. 

Helpful People / Travel — white, gold, silver, and grey colors

Symbolized by metal and located to the right of career trigram. Round objects, black and white photos, and black and white decorative items are ideal here, along with metal décor. Anything that represents storage or stagnation should be avoided.

Children / Creativity — white, gold, silver, and grey colors

Symbolized by metal and situated above and/or to the left of the helpful people trigram. To infuse your home with a sense of playfulness, this is the perfect place for games and items that speak to your inner child. If you have children, this is the perfect place to keep toys. Metal décor is ideal, and earthy objects are welcome. Delineate walkways and keep them clear while avoiding reminders of fire in the child zone, along with sharp edges. 

Relationships / Love — pale yellow, tan, pink, and sand colors 

Symbolized by earth and positioned above and/or to the left of the children trigram. This part of the bagua map covers your love life, so decorate the relationship section of your home with items that promote sensuality and encourage romance. Candles, decorative items arranged in pairs, photos of you and your partner, and mementos of your travels together are perfect, but try to keep family photos out of your relationship segment and avoid placing anything sharp here. Additionally, this is not the place to store broken items that are awaiting repair. If you are single and seeking a relationship, consider using symbols of love in this area as well as in your bedroom such as photos of pair-bonded birds or animals, along with images of loving couples.

Fame / Reputation — red color

Symbolized by fire and positioned above health and to the left of the relationship trigram. Display items that you’re proud of, along with objects that symbolize your aspirations. Tall, vertical objects symbolize you standing tall, and diplomas, awards, and the color red are ideal. You’ll want to avoid water features in this area since water symbolically douses fire. Dark colors and heavy objects aren’t considered suitable here either. 

Wealth / Abundance — green color

Symbolized by wood and positioned to the left of the fame trigram. Add at least one live plant such as a money tree, as well as valuable objects and artwork that symbolizes abundance. Incorporate items that remind you to express gratitude while avoiding stacks of bills, trash bins, and toilets in this area. If your bathroom happens to land in the wealth section of your home’s bagua map, you may wish to give it a bagua map of its own, with the abundance portion of the map stretched to avoid the toilet so you aren’t symbolically flushing away your wealth.

Ancestors / Family — brown, green, and blue colors

Symbolized by wood and positioned below the wealth trigram, to the left of health. Live plants, floral prints, family trees, attractive lamps, and beloved heirlooms are ideal additions to this part of your bagua. It’s also the perfect place to display your favorite family photos. Shiny metal items are to be avoided as are single decorative objects. Instead, it’s best to place décor in groups of three or more items in this section of your home.

Wisdom — pale yellow, tan, pink, and sand colors

Symbolized by earth and positioned to the left of the career trigram, below the ancestors / family trigram. If you meditate, this is the perfect place to practice. Distracting colors and moving objects should be avoided; instead, stick to calming paint colors, such as cream, blues, white or grey. Books and other thoughtful objects are the perfect addition for your wisdom quadrant, as is a comfortable recliner where you can spend plenty of time cultivating knowledge. The home experts at Recliner Life suggest creating a sense of openness by placing your largest pieces of furniture against back walls as far away from room openings as you can. Position items such as recliners or coffee tables in a way that facilitates conversation while creating a calm, comfortable, welcoming feel. 

If your home has more than one floor, you’ll want to apply the same Feng Shui bagua to each floor. You can also use the bagua map to decorate a single room. While you’ll want to highlight Feng Shui colors for each bagua section, it’s perfectly fine to accentuate with other hues and a variety of furnishings and decorative objects with just a few exceptions as noted here. Mix and match in a way that pleases you. 

When decorating according to the principles of Feng Shui, it’s important to place certain symbolic objects in each area to enhance the flow of chi, or life-giving energy.

Other objects are believed to block chi, so they’re best avoided. Clear away clutter and focus on function throughout your home. Clutter represents stagnation and indecisiveness and messes keep energy from flowing, and they distract you from your purpose. Consider embracing minimalism, particularly if you live in a small space, because airflow and light should be a priority throughout your entire home, as both symbolize the flow of positive energy. 

Bottomline: Your décor should be in alignment with who you are.

Many people make the mistake of believing that Bagua mirrors, Buddha statues, and Fu dogs are must-have items since they’re traditionally associated with good luck. The truth is that while these objects often find their way into Feng Shui decorating guides, they aren’t really necessary and certainly won’t promote harmony in your home if you dislike them. If recommended decorative items aren’t really your style, there’s no need to include them. Plain mirrors (particularly round ones), plants, and art that speaks to your heart are just as auspicious. So long as your space offers a balanced, harmonious feeling, it’s going to have a positive effect on your life as a whole.  

You may also enjoy reading Going With The Flow: Using Feng Shui To Create Movement in Your Life by Patricia Lohan

The post Shift Your Space, Shift Your Energy: Decorating Guidelines for Feng Shui appeared first on BEST SELF.

Devastated by the suicide of a dear friend, a young man turns his grief into action to help others contend with issues of mental and emotional health

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If religion and mental health were two colliding cars, could they meet without crashing?

Many people who have been through life-shaping moments, like the Kennedy assassination, remember where they were and how they felt on that very day. Though I wasn’t alive during that era, two years ago I had such a moment in my life. I woke up, and like every other day I began to search my Facebook. What I came across would change the course of the next two years and my life in general. My friend and beloved community member, Benjamin Beezy, had ended his own life. Depression and mental illness finally had got the best of him.

Ben was by all accounts a true mensch and someone who had high achievements. He was a handsome adult and such a cute baseball-playing child. Ben was educated in the Los Angeles Jewish community and was the top of his class at USC. He would go on to become a very bright and successful attorney at a top-tier law firm. He grew up down the street from myself and my family. Our lives intersected through Jewish temple and various young professional events. He was the pride and joy of his mother, father, and two beautiful sisters. What went wrong and how did it become so out of control?

After his suicide, his parents went through his computer to find any trace of information that would help them to come to grips with their new reality. What they understood was that this…

That Ben, underneath his status, and all his achievements hid a deep depression. Though deep, this depression went unnoticed. 

At one point in his life, he was at the home of a pregnant woman when her water broke. Everyone else at the party left, but Ben stayed back to clean up and comfort this perfect stranger. He overcompensated so that he didn’t have to show his illness. Fast forward to his funeral and then his Shiva, which is seven days of communal mourning. His parents were holding so much pain in their beings. I stood up and in front of 100 people said that Ben’s light will never go out, not if I can help it.

As a Jew and a student of clergy, my life was shaped from a very clear age. I grew up in a passion-filled home that instilled in me a love of my people and of God. A love of Jewish community and of social activism had been in me for 29 years. Up until Ben’s death, I had been exploring creating a new kind of Jewish community. I knew I wanted to create a program where mental illness and mental health meet religion and embrace. At his Shiva, I created a communal program, Ben Back Engaged Now, that has now shaped the lives of over 500 people all over California. 

Together with partners that include Rabbis and faith leaders, the program brings panels and experts into homes and houses of worship throughout Los Angeles and California. My goal in creating this was to broaden the way Jews think of Judaism. Topics include: Vaping, the different types of depression, LGBTQ issues, racism, people with special needs, and so much more. This program has even saved the life of one young person in Los Angeles with the help of his parents and law enforcement. I particularly wanted to reach out to young people in their early twenties and thirties. Here’s why and how:

Recent studies have shown a rise in suicide and depression in the millennial generation. We have everything at our fingertips and yet we have never been more discontented or disconnected.

I’m not saying that is the reason Ben choose to end his life, but instead I’ll offer it as a broader condition among my peers. My idea was to use smaller houses of worship as a space for my panels and group work. This has brought young people back to these spaces in large numbers. The theory behind this is that young people aren’t connecting to prayer and archaic ritual in the ways their parents and grandparents used to be.

What these young adults want — perhaps what everyone wants — is friendship, love, and belonging.

By holding mental health events for them in homes and more intimate houses of worship, our goal is to bring back young people one person at a time. My advice to young people and really anyone suffering behind the stigma of mental illness is the following: We must talk and walk together, not alone. 

In the same ways as we show up when someone we love has received a cancer diagnosis, we must do the same for people that suffer from depression and thoughts of suicide. We are living in a very fraught world that puts aside God daily. One way to reconnect to God is through human connection. 

If we do this in a more holistic manner, if we look at the person as a whole and not just at their worst moment, we can save their life. 

If I had one wish, it would be for Ben to smile again live and in person. Yet, I thank him for helping me save lives through action I would likely not have otherwise taken. I know wherever he is, he would be proud!

You may also enjoy reading The Courageous Art of Supporting Someone in Grief (At Any Age) by Angie Lucas

The post An Act of Faith: One Friend’s Loss is a Community’s Gain appeared first on BEST SELF.

We hear about the ocean pollution crisis due to plastic waste, but understanding it can feel complex. This infographic makes it simple.

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8 million tons.

That’s how much plastic waste enters our oceans every year. Where does it all end up? How does it affect our planet?

As part of European Week for Waste Reduction (November 17-24), office water dispenser manufacturer, Waterlogic, has created an infographic that follows the plastic trail to uncover the gigantic garbage patches that have accumulated across the major oceans of the world.

This graphic below (5 separate images) shows which countries bound the patches, how many pieces of plastic are swirling in each, and what the far-reaching effects could be for the planet, for wildlife, and for humankind as a whole — as well as suggesting how we can use the 3Rs (reduce, reuse, recycle) to promote sustainable resource and waste management, globally.

I hope that this provides a clearer understanding of this global ocean plastics crisis…and inspires you to take action in whatever way you can to protect our planet’s future!

You may also enjoy reading Dancing with Mother Nature: An Adventure for Change Across Antarctica by Zita Luiten

The post Ocean Plastic: Where Is It From? Where Does It Go? appeared first on BEST SELF.

Parenting a child with a learning or physical disability can be challenging, but there are things you can do to help your child to thrive.

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No doubt, raising a child is a huge and challenging responsibility. These challenges can look even greater when your child has a physical or intellectual disability. Parenting a special needs child can often feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster — sometimes you are up, other times you are down. Fortunately, there are things you can do to help your child with a learning disability develop the skills they will need to succeed in life. 

Here are 8 practical strategies to help a child with special needs succeed:

1. Don’t Compare Your Child to Others

All kids will grow at their own pace whether they are different, typical, or have some extra challenges. If you feel your child is not meeting a development milestone that you have set, rather than getting upset, talk to your kid’s doctor. If you compare your child with a sibling, cousin, or even another child with the same disability, you are setting them (and yourself) up for disappointment. Your child is unique with his/her own challenges and strengths, so try not to compare them to anyone else.

2. Provide Your Child with a Calm Environment

If your child has a learning disability, chances are that he/she easily gets upset or discouraged. To avoid this, it is important to provide your child with a calm work area that is quiet and free from distractions. Organize your home so your child easily gets whatever he/she needs without asking or searching endlessly. When it comes time to provide feedback or guidance to your child, use a positive approach that minimizes stress and blame.

3. Identify Your Child’s Learning Style

When it comes to learning, everyone has their own unique learning style, whether or not they have a disability. Some people learn best by seeing; other people learn best by listening or doing. Whether your child is a visual learner, auditory learner, or kinesthetic learner, find which technique works best for your child and then make sure to apply that in a classroom or home study setting. 

4. Forge a Partnership with Your Child’s Education or Childcare Provider

If you want to make sure that your child gets the support they require, it is crucial to have a close relationship with your child’s teacher or childcare provider. By working as a team with an open flow of communication, you can give them regular updates and encourage them to give you the same. As a result, the provider can customize the curriculum to best meet your kid’s needs. This will give your child the best opportunities for social integration, relationship building, literacy, and numeracy.

5. Properly Understand Your Child’s Disability

Try to learn as much as possible about your child’s disability. Remember, the more you know, the more you will be able to help them. A deep research dive will help you to find professionals who can help you understand your child’s disability, as well as support networks that can provide you with information and access to the latest therapies suitable for your child. Along the way, be open to innovative developments, such as reading tutoring for students with learning disabilities.

6. Socialize with Other Families

Socializing with other families who have children with similar disabilities will provide you and your family with much needed emotional support. It will also let your child interact with — and potentially build strong connections to — people whom he/she can relate to personally. This will expand their social circle as well as help in their emotional development. Seek out groups and clubs that engage children with learning or physical disabilities with sports or recreational activities in line with their interests and abilities.

7. Emphasize Healthy Lifestyle Habits

Your child’s diet, sleep, and exercise routines are very important for their emotional, mental, and physical growth. In order to better focus on study and other activities, your child with learning disabilities needs to eat a well-balanced diet and get 7-8 hours of sound sleep. These healthy lifestyle habits will definitely aid your child’s emotional and physical growth and development.

8. Remember to Take Care of Yourself

While taking care of their children, parents often forget to take care of their own needs. But when you ignore your own wellbeing, it is extremely difficult to create a healthy environment for your child to thrive. That’s why it is okay, if not essential, to ask for help from your spouse, friends, and family members. Make it a priority to take good care of yourself by eating a nutritious diet, getting enough sleep, and doing proper exercise. And give yourself permission for a time-out now and then to relax and decompress. Your child will thank you!

You may also enjoy reading A Guide for Non-Techie Parents to Keep Your Children Safe Online by Lynda Arbon

The post 8 Strategies to Help a Child With Special Needs Succeed appeared first on BEST SELF.

Going plastic-free in the workplace is a simple and impactful way to do your part to protect our planet — you might even start a trend at the office

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The world as we know it is going to continue to get much worse until we realize the necessity to protect our natural environment. Fauna and vegetation are suffering greatly because of people’s ignorance and bad habits — and one of the biggest culprits is plastic.

Sadly, throwing plastic in waters, in the mountains and on the street is a common occurrence. As a result, it is estimated that there over 5.25 trillion pieces of plastic debris in the ocean. Fortunately, people are finally starting to wake up and realize that left unchecked, this act of ignorance is going to destroy our planet. 

In addition to converting your home to a plastic-free zone, going plastic-free at the office is becoming a popular trend as more and more workers are taking a ‘no plastic’ stance. Take Adidas as an example. When you enter their office, you cannot ignore the huge “plastic-free” sign at the front of their door. The Adidas company perceives sustainability as a responsibility to protect the environment and provide a good example. They have three important objectives: creating sustainability awareness, developing a sustainability-oriented work culture, and providing sustainability guidelines and tools in their office.

According to Mark Gog, Founder & CEO at MyAssignment: “The biggest difference comes in mentality. After interviewing over 100 plastic-free organizations and over 50 ‘careless’ companies, I came to the conclusion that sustainability is a choice made by the leadership hierarchies, a choice that begins with intensive planning and solution-seeking. As a matter of fact, one of the most common problems that companies face is the lack of proper ‘know-how’.”

Whether you’re an employee or an employer, you can influence your company’s culture by encouraging your coworkers to acknowledge and understand the enormous issues that plastic waste represents.

Here are some tangible ways to encourage a plastic-free mentality in your workplace:

• Conduct wasting audits regularly — Track down and analyze all the waste is constantly thrown out in the office, and then figure out solutions to reduce the quantity of waste.
• Run competitions — Reward your staff and employees the moment they start committing to a sustainable plastic-free routine.
• Provide facilities that allow employees to store, reheat, and cook food — You can (and should) encourage your employees to bring homemade lunches so they’ll stop purchasing food delivered in single-use bags.
• Install a water cooler — Provide personalized drinking glasses nearby to discourage the use of any type of plastic bottle or cup.
• Organize a cleaning movement — Help your team see the gravity of the problem on their own by  arranging a team-oriented cleaning project (e.g., cleanup an extremely dirty shore, forest, or river). Not only will this help people embrace their environmental responsibility, but you’ll also encourage a deeper bond between employees.

In addition to the above actions, here are 5 essential tools to help create a plastic-free workplace:

1. Reusable Drink Bottles

A reusable drink bottle is a smart alternative to the common plastic bottles. Every time you go to the store and buy a new plastic bottle, the environment is eventually going to pay the price. If you hold that thought in your head, you’ll no longer indulge in this toxic habit and consider one of the many reusable (and affordable) drink bottles on the market.

2. Reusable Mugs

A reusable mug might sound weird because most mugs aren’t necessarily all plastic. Nevertheless, a reusable mug is different because it is often made of stainless steel and contains a brushing kit that makes it easy to clean. If you give reusable mugs as gifts to colleagues, you’ll hit two birds with one stone. 

3. Reusable Shopping Bags

Worldwide, it is estimated that shoppers are using over 500 billion single-use plastic bags. To stop this bad habit, every time you go shopping before, during, or after work, bring a reusable bag instead of a plastic one. At work, let that reusable bag be in everyone’s sight. You can also gift reusable bags to your colleagues or employees to encourage them to follow your good example.  

4. Reusable Cutlery 

If you’re the type of manager or employee who likes to eat in your own office, consider using reusable cutlery. Even though carrying a fork, spoon, and knife in your backpack all the time might seem like a time-consuming hassle, it’s going to be worth it — even little changes make a big difference. 

5. Reusable Lunch Bags

Reusable lunch bags are definitely a popular trend and for good reason. Think about all the wasted plastic used by fast foods containers that immediately get thrown away once consumed. There are so many reusable lunch bag options; it’s only a matter of choice!

Let us not allow our ignorance to cause more harm than it already does. Go plastic-free!

You may also enjoy reading about Clean2Antarctica: Exploring the circular economy from waste to resource by Kristen Noel

The post Reducing Plastic Consumption: 5 Ways to Make Your Workplace Plastic-free appeared first on BEST SELF.

Sometimes we need more than a break from routine — we need an entirely new environment to open our mind, body and spirit

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With so many social and work-related obligations we deal with on a daily basis, it’s common to simply feel exhausted and overwhelmed. Some of us just feel like running away for a while to avoid all the drama and others prefer meditation to get back in balance with themselves. Well, why not combine these two?

There are so many locations on the planet that offer us a spiritual boost while still getting to see some amazing vistas and learn more about other cultures.

If you are looking for such an adventure where you can expand your mindfulness in resplendent natural beauty, take a look at these 5 global meditation destinations.

Wat Suan Mokkh, Thailand

You usually hear people talking about the gorgeous beaches they visited in Thailand and the amazing food they tried. However, this country has plenty of meditation retreats as well, where you can connect with your inner self. One such center is Wat Suan Mokkh in the Chaiya District which is located about 600km from Bangkok. If you decide to visit this retreat, keep in mind that it is very serious and not for the faint-hearted. On the first of every month, Wat Suan Mokkh organizes a 10-day long silent retreat, which you cannot leave early, consisting of daily meditations, yoga and talks on Buddhism as well as chores. Moreover, be aware of the fact that your bed will be a concrete slab with a wooden pillow and a straw mat and you’ll be required to get up at 4 AM.

Despite how demanding this may feel, it is a truly profound and rewarding experience.

Rishikesh, India

For a physical and spiritual detox, consider visiting the ‘Yoga Capital of the World’ – Rishikesh. This Indian city in the foothills of the Himalayas is the birthplace of transcendental meditation and hosts many international yoga festivals. Rishikesh is a great place to practice, celebrate and learn more about yoga, as it is home to numerous yoga centers. Before choosing this as your destination, bear in mind that Rishikesh is a city free of meat and alcohol. However, it is heaven for vegetarians so there are definitely some delicious meals waiting for you. Given the history of this town, you are sure to develop your spiritual practices further and nurture your mind, body and soul.

Niagara Falls, Canada/USA

While visiting these famous waterfalls is part of many people’s bucket lists, few would consider it to be a meditation hotspot. You might have preconceived ideas about Niagara Falls being just another tourist trap (and that reputation has merit), but you might be surprised to discover that there are also many ways to get in touch with yourself here too. Sure, going to theme parks and on boat rides is super fun, but if the sound of the water is not enough to ground you and make you feel calm, you can turn to one of many yoga and meditation retreats which are organized in the vicinity so that you can enjoy the amazing views of the Falls, which are spectacularly dramatic. Especially if you’re traveling with your family, everyone will have something that interests them.

Holy Isle, Scotland

If you’re looking for a place in Europe to focus on mindfulness, your options abound — from Italy and Spain to Iceland, it will be difficult to decide. However, lesser known, you might consider Scotland’s Holy Isle. This is a private island that has a delicate ecosystem and a rugged coastline. While on the south end of the island there are residents that live in isolated silence, the north is dedicated to meditation retreats which vary drastically and offer something for everyone, from those who simply want to learn more about this topic to serious students of Buddhism.

During the summer season, visitors are welcome to walk along the coastline and discover the wildlife as well as take part in meditation and experience tranquility.

Accommodations are monastically equipped and include three daily meals (vegetarian or vegan).

The Buddhist Retreat Centre, South Africa

If your heart is drawing you to Africa, you’ll want to explore the many options available in South Africa. Or particular note is the Buddhist Retreat Centre, which has been declared a Natural Heritage Site by Nelson Mandela due to the indigenous biodiversity of the area. In addition to its outstanding birdlife, the landscape is equally breathtaking.

Moreover, the center offers a library and an art studio, Zen gardens, a labyrinth and a meditation hall. What more could a person need to reflect and contemplate life?

Sometimes we all need to escape our personal world and everyday obligations and devote some time to ourselves — and that may just mean exploring the larger world. Depending on what you like to do to unwind and center yourself, you can recharge your batteries by changing your environment for a while. Any of these five locations will do the trick.

You may also enjoy reading Explore More: Tips To Travel Abroad On A Budget by Paisley Hansen

The post 5 World Destinations for Exploring Mindfulness, Meditation and Nature appeared first on BEST SELF.

Childhood obesity is a serious concern, but how can you prevent it in your kids? Be proactive, be involved and make health the priority

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Everyone loves chubby kids and adores baby fat. But an excess of chubbiness can actually be dangerous for your child. Obesity is a real problem that parents have to deal with these days, thanks to the unhealthy lifestyle, food choices and lack of physical activity in children.

Reports suggest that 39.6% of kids are overweight and about 18% of them are borderline obese.

These statistics were generated after multiple tests, studies and surveys of children aged between 2-12 years from different parts of the world.

If you are concerned about your little one transitioning towards obesity, don’t worry. With a few simple and fundamental changes, obesity need not be a concern.

1. Follow a Common Weight-loss Regimen in the family

As parents you need to set the right example for your kids. Children learn a lot through observation. You can lecture them all you want about the importance of eating their veggies, but they are going to follow your footsteps. If you chomp on crisps and fries in front of them, they are sure to follow suit. So, if you want your child to eat healthy, start eating healthy yourself and model these practices for your kids.

2. Boosting Your Kid’s Morale

As parents, it is your responsibility to help the child develop a positive self-image and personality. Don’t go about demotivating or discouraging the kids about their weight.

Kids have a lot to deal with these days, from the media glorifying a conventional beauty stereotype to peer pressure forcing pre-teens and teens into feeling badly about their bodies. They don’t need that negativity at home as well.

Talk to your children, teach them about their bodies and how to best take care of it. You should be the safe space for your young ones, guiding them to be better. Encourage your kids, celebrate the little wins that they achieve, participate with them in their weight loss regimen — it all goes a long way to show that you support your child no matter what.

3. Setting Realistic Goals

Don’t take measures that endorse drastic weight loss. Take baby steps, set realistic goals and also have a few ‘cheat’ days here and there to keep your kids motivated. Cutting some slack and taking a breather once in a while is not a bad thing. You can consult a doctor or a nutritionist to figure out the appropriate calorie intake and exercise routine. 

4. Make informed Dietary Changes

The first and foremost rule to keeping a healthy lifestyle is a healthy diet.

Balanced, nutritious diet can work wonders in boosting the child’s muscle strength, bones and overall stamina and energy levels. Plan your meals in such a way that they incorporate all the proteins, carbohydrates and nutrients required for the total development of the body. Avoid anything that is fried or has excessive sugar in it. Parents can experiment with healthy, organic and fresh snacks like granola bars, nuts, homemade vegetable soups and salads instead.  

5. Never Skip Breakfast 

Always ensure that your kids have their breakfast. A healthy breakfast will give your child sustained energy to begin the day — and can provide an added opportunity to connect with them by squeezing in a little ‘family time’. Stay away from sweets and be wary of most store-bought baked goods and cereals, which can be high in sugars and low in nutrition. Instead, offer better alternatives like whole grains, low-sugar natural yogurt, fresh fruits, green veggies, eggs and lean meats.

6. The Trouble with Juices

Contrary to popular belief, liquid diets are not the healthiest way to shed those kilos. In fact, fruit juices can make matters a lot worse. Packaged juice often contains chemicals, excessive sugar and adulterants. Even for ‘all natural’ juices, the process of extracting the juice from the pulp strips away most of the fiber and many of the vitamins — leaving a sugary drink that’s high in calories, yet devoid of much of the original nutritional value. Therefore, enjoy fruit juice in small quantities. 

On the other hand, juicing vegetables, which are naturally low in sugars and high in vitamins and anti-oxidants is a fantastic way to boost nutrition and aid in weight loss. And to make the taste more appealing to your child (or you!), add in some pieces of fruit, such as apple, to the mix of what you are juicing. 

7. Say NO to Junk Food

This might be a bit difficult to execute, but you need to put a stop to all the oily fries, sodas and cheesy pizzas that your kid consumes.

It is called junk food for a reason — it is literally junk.

Excessive ‘fast foods’ and other highly processed junk foods can cause heart ailments, fatty liver disease, breathing problems, high cholesterol and other issues. The gravity of this situation should be enough to compel you and your kids to eat healthy and stay fit.

8. The Importance of Playtime

These days, children hardly go out and play with their friends in parks and fields. Social media, video games and the television usually usurp most of their time, limiting their physical activity to just twirling their thumbs or reaching out for the remote. Motivate your kids to go out and play, participate with them, organize games, take them on camping trips and hikes — it’s a great way to reconnect with nature and get healthy.

9. Get Involved

It’s critical that you are involved in your children’s lives. Talk to them about their day, their school work, their friends, their activities. Oftentimes, parents have no idea what the child is going through.

Sudden weight gain and withdrawal from the family are often signs of depression or other mental health issues.

If matters get serious, do not hesitate to seek professional help.

10. Bid Adieu to the Sofa

The sofa can be the biggest enemy for your kids. Sitting or sleeping on the couch and watching a favorite web series should be restricted. Rather than browsing through social media feeds on the sofa, it’s always better to take a short walk or jog in the park. Encourage your children to be active. Introduce them to sports and suggest they join a team.

Instilling healthy practices early on will surely lead your child towards a sustainable and healthy weight level.

Dealing with the issue of kids’ obesity can become quite overwhelming for parents. It’s not easy, especially when you are busy yourself, to keep watch over your children’s eating habits and activities. Yet, if you can stay involved with your children and model the lifestyle choices that you’d like to see them adopt, healthy weight levels will become natural byproduct of a vibrant and joyful life.

You may also enjoy reading Creating Crafty Fun: DIY Projects to Do With Your Kids, by Allen Michael

The post Fighting Childhood Obesity: How to Prevent Excessive Weight Gain in Our Kids appeared first on BEST SELF.

To nurture your child’s intuition and validate their feelings, try being real vs. perfect. You’ll find you both win in the process

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Most children are like walking talking radio receivers! They pick up on everything and are extremely (sometimes irritatingly) aware of what goes on around them, spoken or unspoken. And in contrast to all of us, children have not yet learned to pretend like nothing is different when the energy shifts or the mood swings.

My daughter knows within a split second if I have something going on. She will walk into my room and ask, “Mum, is everything ok?”

In that moment I can choose to be perfect or I can choose to be me. And my choice will give my daughter different gifts for the future. Let’s explore just two possible answers in a situation where I’ve had an unexpected phone call that made me upset. My daughter walks through the door and asks, “Mum, is everything ok?”

Scenario 1:

I answer, “Oh yes, of course! Everything is fine, sweetie.”

Scenario 2:

I answer, “I am a just bit upset. I just had a phone call with a friend of mine who gave me some news that made me really angry.”

Now, if I choose scenario one, my daughter will walk away doubting herself. She will stop trusting that gut feeling that is such an amazing guide in life. She will doubt her knowing and her capacity to read people and situations.

If I instead choose the second scenario, and choose to lower my barriers and be vulnerable with my daughter and with what is actually going on, that in turn will acknowledge her awareness and knowing, and she will end up trusting herself even more in the future.

She will know that she knows.

In addition, it will open up the space of vulnerability for her. It’ll show her that everything is allowed and included in our conversation. Next time I ask her, “Sweetie, are you ok?” she will know it is ok to pull her barriers down and answer with what is true, and not with what is expected…

See, most of us spend our whole lives trying to say what is expected, normal and rational. We constantly try to prove how good and right we are, while thinking we’re bad and wrong inside. We learn early on to shut out that radio-receiver, since we doubt the energetic information we receive. And once the barriers are up, we can’t even hear ourselves anymore.

Vulnerability can open up a completely new way to navigate the world — from your knowingness. To have vulnerability with yourself is to never put up a barrier to who you truly are, or what is going on around you. That allows you to be present with everything, and be anything.

The thing is, you can’t teach your children vulnerability. The only way to give your child the gift of vulnerability is to be it.

Yes, there may definitively be times when it is appropriate to not tell a child exactly what is going on. There are times when what will create the most benefit is to use a white lie in order to foster the sense of safety that is required.

And you know when those times are. Those are not the times I am talking about. I am talking about all the other times.

Next time your child asks, “Is Everything Ok?” what if you choose to go for the vulnerable answer? And be you. 

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This article is an extract from the book The Very Greatest Adventure, a compilation of empowering stories from Being You facilitators trained under Dr. Dain Heer. Reproduced with permission from the publisher.

You may also enjoy reading The Secret to Successful Mothering (That Took Me 21 Years to Learn) by Rebekah Borucki

The post Is Everything Ok? A Call to Be Vulnerable, for Your Child & You appeared first on BEST SELF.

Online protection of children is difficult to ensure in our fast-paced, tech-driven world, but there are things you can do to improve internet safety for your children

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Kids today live in a technology-driven world. To them, the Internet is a magical entity capable of answering doubtful questions and streaming endlessly-repeatable videos of their favorite tv shows. As tech savvy as they may be, they don’t tend to know anything about viruses, online privacy, or social media etiquette.  A lot of information is flooding the Internet today which makes kids vulnerable to malicious actors trying to exploit their limited knowledge. That’s where you, as a parent, must step in and teach them about online safety. 

If you don’t discuss bad stuff out there on the Internet, someone else will.          

Here are 7 actionable tips to protect your kids from the dark side of the Internet: 

1. Teach Your Kids to Protect Themselves from Online Threats

As a parent, you want your kids to reap the benefits of online learning, but their safety is also crucial. That’s why it is vital to explain to them about online threats in plain simple language. Make them aware of the different kinds of cyber-bullying. The more frankly you talk with your kids about online threats, the easier it will be for them to be aware of what they should watch, hear, or pay attention to online.

2. Install an Antivirus Solution on Computers and Mobile Devices

Kids are easily attracted and curious about new things. Subsequently, they can easily click on malicious links and download video games, applications, or movies from unknown web locations. To prevent this, you need to install a robust antivirus solution from a trustworthy company that includes a real-time scanning engine, firewall, and automatic updates. [Companies producing antivirus software spring up all the time. Do your research, favor time-trusted brands and read reviews; some less-respected companies — often offering ‘free’ services — will inundate you with unwanted sales promotions.]

3. Use Parental Control Software

Most Internet service providers offer free parental control software to help make the Internet a safer place for younger family members. With a parental control system, you can monitor your child’s online activities. These parental control software solutions work as an online protector by keeping track of the visited sites. Such systems also control the Internet connection time, block malicious websites, and report any unusual online activity done by your kids. For added control, you can even install a kid-safe web browser for your children to use.

4. Don’t Let Your Child Shop Online Without You

Pay attention to your kids’ purchase activity. If your family shares a single payment account with a particular credit or debit card, this can be risky because kids can easily memorize your credit or debit card numbers including the 3-digit security code. To avoid this temptation, and to make yourself safe from any unwanted charges, don’t let them buy something online without your permission. This means never entering your financial data when your ‘mini-me’ is standing behind you.

5. Install Filters or other Safeguard Programs

You should install filters or some other safeguard programs on any devices your children use. Filters offer protection by preventing access to offensive websites. Most filters allow you to select the degree of filtering depending on your kid’s age. After you install the filter, ensure that filtering criteria are not being violated with some kind of technical workaround. [Again, like the antivirus software above, do your research and read reviews.]

6. Keep Your Children Engaged in the Real World

Real world engagement is one of the most useful tricks to protect your kids online. Talk with your kids and make sure they feel comfortable coming to you about issues or fears they may have. Work together to create a safe space on the Internet by making a habit of using the computer or mobile phone together. Also, create a schedule of regular check-ins to discuss what new thing your child wants to explore online.

7. Set Rules for Usage Limits

The Internet provides a totally captivating world for children. This opens up a big world to them, but you don’t want your child to become addicted to it. If you are worried about the time spent on the Internet, then it’s time to set up daily or weekly time limits for computer usage. Many parents have found that allowing extra computer time is a wonderful reward for good behavior. Be creative!

You may also enjoy reading Digital Minimalism: How to Manage Technology to Reclaim Your Life by Vinayak Garg

The post A Guide for Non-Techie Parents to Keep Your Children Safe Online appeared first on BEST SELF.

Don’t fall prey to the expecations and ‘shoulds’ of motherhood. Free yourself to be spontaneous, creative, and YOU each moment as a mother

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What happens when a career-driven, ambitious entrepreneur becomes pregnant and starts a family? Oftentimes, she becomes a ‘mompreneur’ or ‘supermom’ and sometimes both.

Once she becomes a mother, the same fire that was lit still burns inside her, or at least it can if she still strives to create, to work, and to be there for all the juicy moments of childhood.

Yet a new mother all too often faces limitations stemming from other people’s points of views of what motherhood should look like.

Here are some common myths of motherhood that should be dispelled once and for all:

Myth #1: Sacrifice is Required

When a new mother is handed her baby before she leaves the hospital, it’s almost as if she is also handed her assignment from society about what she must now do, who she must now be, and what she is expected to give up.

One of the major ideas is that to be a ‘good mother’, her life should now be all about her kids. 

Modeling self-sacrifice for children teaches them they need to grow up and start giving up parts and pieces of who they are, too. Imagine instead, if we showed them, by example, that they can contribute to others by choosing to have and be all of themselves. That rather than giving away and having less, they could contribute and receive even more, simultaneously, simply by expressing the joy of giving.

Children can be demanding of your time and energy. They can also be the greatest manipulators on the planet who will do anything to get what they want! Tears, kisses, tantrums, you name it. It doesn’t make their needs more or less real, but you need to be the leader not the follower. 

When a child wants you to stop working in that moment and sit with them while they play, are you a bad mother if you don’t? Are you a bad business person if you do? What if you didn’t judge what was right or wrong but instead asked…

what would create more for you both in any given moment?

The idea of sacrifice is that you stop what you are doing without question and give your child your attention. But when you start honoring your needs by including yourself in the choices you make, rather than constantly making sacrifices for others, including your children, you are adding to your life, your body, and your happiness. Subsequently, you will end up having more to give your kids — monetarily, energetically, and physically. Your kids might be grumpy in the short-term, but they will thank you in the long-run.

Myth #2: Social Media Images Are Real

We spend so much time looking from the outside in, absorbing other people’s judgments of what constitutes a ‘good’ mom or a ‘perfect’ body or what the ‘right’ work-life balance should be.

The truth is, being a mompreneur can get messy! Sick children. Unreliable babysitters. Last-minute emergencies. Give yourself permission to let your business life, as well as your family life, be chaotic. 

Don’t try to put order where there is chaos; instead, use that chaos to create. 

Show up for your commitments, but also follow the organic nature of what occurs throughout the day. Things change constantly, so you want to be working with the flow, not against. it. Be easy on yourself. Allow others to judge you as imperfect — because they will anyway. 

But what if it didn’t matter? What if you could teach your children that they don’t have to give up any part of themselves to be right in someone else’s eyes? Go ahead and set that example for them now simply by being you!

Myth #3: A Mom Is Not A Professional

The influencer social media era we live in rewards those willing to be more out there and visible.

So stop trying to hide the fact you have children or pretending that you are not a mom. Instead, use your children to your advantage! 

Let your clients know up front about your situation as a working mother. It’s okay to let people know before you call that they might hear childhood play in the background. No need to hide the fact that your kid has stayed home sick or the nanny just quit, or whatever it is that is real for you and your business and your household that day. Be real and a professional — your clients who respect you, will respect that. 

By dispelling the myths of motherhood, you give yourself and your children the chance you deserve to create a life that is joyful, pragmatic, and works for you!

You may also enjoy reading The Secret to Successful Mothering (That Took Me 21 Years to Learn) by Rebekah Borucki

The post Dispelling 3 Myths of Motherhood that Sap Your Joy, Your Work & Your Children appeared first on BEST SELF.

DIY woodworking projects are fantastic opportunities to spend quality time with your children, while also teaching them valuable life skills

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Many adults love spending their evenings and weekends on DIY (Do It Yourself) projects, but often don’t consider bringing their kids in on the fun. Children love to create things with their hands and doing a DIY woodworking project with them is a great opportunity to teach them some valuable lessons while having a blast in the process. 

As a parent, there are many reasons to introduce your children to woodworking. If you have a few spare hours with your children on a weekend, turn off the TV and shut down the iPads. 

Even in its most basic form, encouraging them to create something with their hands produces amazing benefits and wonderful lifelong memories. 

Many of these projects only take an afternoon, but because a project leaves you with a tangible product when done, your memories will be relived every time you or your child see or use the finished product.

Often times, a project is less about the destination and more about the journey. This is especially true when working on wood projects. In the end, you will have equipped your child with stories of how they overcame adversity, solved problems, and worked towards a goal to build something. These building blocks will serve them well as they age. 

Benefits to Kids

There are so many ways that your child will benefit from working with you on a DIY project. Here are a few:

• Learn to work with their hands — More and more nowadays, children are not given opportunities to work with their hands. Tactile classes in schools are being replaced with college prep courses, and video games are replacing exploring outdoors. Working on a DIY project gives your kids a chance to work with hands and learn valuable life skills. 
• Learn to envision with their mind — Beyond learning to use their hands, woodworking teaches a child to explore possibilities with their mind. Following a set of plans is one thing but learning how each step contributes to the finished product is much different. 
• Learn to finish a project — A project gives children a great opportunity to complete what they start since projects have natural starting and ending points. As a result, your child will learn how to work towards a goal, a skill that will positively impact their career and their relationships. 
• Learn to be resourceful — Instead of teaching your kids to buy something new each and every time you want something, a DIY project teaches your child to be resourceful and to make use of what they have. 
• Learn to be creative — While many DIY projects come with intricate plans that are simple to follow, many require a lot of creativity. Sometimes you don’t always have the perfect tools and materials on hand to do what is needed which encourages adaptability and flexibility. 
• Learn to appreciate the finished product — When you complete a level on a video game, there is nothing tactile to remind you of your accomplishment. When you finish a DIY project, however, you get to enjoy the tangible fruits of your labor in the future. 

Pick A Project

When it comes to picking projects to do with your child, be mindful of their age-appropriate capabilities. This can be a bit of a moving target, particularly when you throw in multiple kids of different ages and skills. Once you’ve found an age-appropriate project, here are a few other key factors to keep in mind: 

1. Basic Tools

Don’t pick a project that requires a bunch of complicated and expensive tools in order to complete it. If possible, make sure that the project you pick allows your kid to actually use the required tool. Basic power tools, such as a jigsaw and sander, are possible for kids in grade school to use with proper supervision. Hammering and screwing are also acceptable for grade school ages. If you have to use a more extensive tool, take the opportunity to explain the safety features to your child. While they might not be able to use the tool now, it will help to build a healthy appreciation for the importance of safety down the road. 

2. Keep It Simple

Let’s face it, children can get bored fairly easily. And there’s no need to be romantic about it — DIY projects can be a bit tedious, especially for a child. Because of this, pick a project that doesn’t have pages and pages of steps to complete. As your children age, feel free to extend the number of steps. A shorter number of steps ensures project completion, which is obviously a high priority. 

3. Minimize Finish Work

Finish work is the sanding, priming, painting, and staining that often goes into certain types of projects. Exercise caution when picking projects that require a lot of finish work, as they can put a damper on the tail end of the project since finish work is time consuming. Finish work is also a lot harder to do when you’re not an expert. Whenever I’ve opted to do a project with my daughter that had a lot of finish work, I ended up doing it all myself. While this certainly isn’t always the case, its something to be wary of. 

Sample Projects

You can start doing these projects with your kids when they are just toddlers and add more and more sophistication to the projects as they grow older. While there are numerous potential projects to tackle with your children, here are a few of my favorites: 

Popsicle Stick Paper Lantern

This DIY project is suitable for toddlers and young children. It leaves you with a really neat and ornate lantern with the feel of a stained glass that you can put candles inside of. Young kids love this project, as its easy to do, doesn’t have many steps, and bursts with bright colors!

Supplies you’ll need include a bunch of crayons, some wax paper, along with popsicle sticks and wood glue. Creating the stained glass involves using a hot iron, so that will be one step an adult will definitely want to take on. This project is a lot of fun and can be completed in an hour or two. 

Click here to see the project in full (#22)

Wood Address Sign

This functional project is better suited for kids later on in grade school. This project is great because it does involve some finishing work, but it is very minimal and not hard for your child to do. It involves making a sign out of wood that you and your family can walk by every day if you use it as your new address sign. 

To create this sign, you can use any type of wood. I recycled an old wooden fence board, but any piece of wood will work. You’ll want to use a miter saw to cut it down to size, or you can use a circular saw if preferred. I stained the board a nice warm color, but you could opt for paint instead if you prefer. Pick up some address numbers at a local home improvement store and affix them to the wood with the screws provided. Make sure you plan out their placement in advance so you end up with numbers that are straight and square!

Click here to see the project in full (#5)

Be safe and have fun!

You may also enjoy reading Messages Beyond Movement: Partner Yoga For Kids by Mariam Gates

The post Creating Crafty Fun: DIY Projects to Do with Your Kids appeared first on BEST SELF.

Finding the right caregiver for your loved one is a daunting, but crucial life decision. Here are some considerations to help you find the best possible.

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At some point in life, especially during old age, you may find yourself in a situation that necessitates additional assistance or long-term care — and hopefully, you’re loved one(s) will be well-equipped to find you the support and environment you need. But that’s no simple feat.

Entrusting loved ones to a caregiver is a monumental decision and finding the right person to do the job can be a daunting, if essential task. While there is no way to assure proper (and prevent inappropriate) conduct by caregivers, it becomes even more difficult because some patients have conditions related to mental disorders that make them unable to be cognizant of their surroundings. 

Due to the nature of the work, most caregivers are often undervalued while the demands of their job can be overwhelming. 

Ideally, you will find someone to care for your loved one who projects and demonstrates both professionalism and compassion.

Here are 6 tips to avoid caregiver pitfalls: 

1.  Understand the client’s need

It is always important to understand the patient’s need before you start to look for an appropriate candidate for caregiving roles. Caregivers are specialized in different areas. Be sure to target someone trained in your area of need. “Some better understand how to work with the elderly while some are more knowledgeable in handling patients with a terminal disease such as cancer, diabetes or paralysis,” notes Amanda Simpson, Health and Human Services Content Writer at ConfidentWriters.  Start with referrals from friends, close relatives, or a doctor. You can also explore online resources to obtain information about similar services.

2.  Learn the cost and array of services the agency provides 

When finding an agency caregiver, find out what specific services the agency provides and the relevant costs. You should be able to know how the care will be coordinated and those involved in the caregiving team. Ask for insurance and state compliance licenses, as well as what kind of training the staff is given or whether the agency is certified to receive Medicaid and Medicare reimbursements.

3.  Conduct a background check

Once the candidates have been identified, background checks should be conducted to reveal more information about the caregivers. This includes listings of prior workplaces, home address, social security number, driver’s license, and relevant certificates. Checking the authenticity of the records can help determine whether the candidate is truly specialized in caregiving. Untrained or inexperienced personnel might mishandle the patients.

4.  Interview process

Shortlisted candidates should be interviewed by asking critical and revealing questions. For example, you may want to ask, “How would you deal with my loved one being combative?” You can also ask them if they are willing to undertake the list of duties outlined, and how they would go about doing so. Personality and disposition go a long way, but experience and professionalism come first.

5.  Role Assignment

Once the right candidate has been recognized, proceed with role assignment. To ensure that the care goes according to the plan, constant supervision of the team needs to be overseen. The patient and the caregiver should be introduced so that they become familiar with one another. Always let the patient know that they are loved and that the caregiving program is in the best interest for both of you. In the words of Mother Teresa, “It is not how much you do, but how much love you put in the doing.”

A spirit of gratitude is essential — both for the caregiver and the care recipient.

Not only will the caregivers feel motivated and appreciated, but the patient will benefit immensely from the high-quality services provided by the home care team. Acknowledging the efforts of others is essential, especially in such demanding tasks. It also creates a dialogue for valuing and respecting each other as human beings. According to Nancy L. Kriseman, the author of the book titled Mindful Caregiver, “One goal of the mindful caregiver is to find ways to not feel ‘dis-eased’ in the caregiving process.”

6.  Be mindful about selecting the right agency for the job

Caregiving is an intimate and difficult task. And not all agencies or facilities are created equal — in fact, far from it. Therefore, be mindful about selecting the right agency for the job. Do the research, study the reviews, conduct interviews — understand the specific needs of the patient and the skills of the caregiver and organization. With the proper skills and experience for your specific case, caregivers are better positioned to handle their patients professionally and successfully. Notwithstanding, they require the support of the patient’s family to ensure the needs of their loved ones are met. 

Resources:

•  Family Caregiver Alliance website provides practical skills training for family caregivers and an overview of day-to-day, hands-on strategies and skills.  
• Check out Association of Retired Persons (AARP) blog for guides and videos on how to work with health care professionals to give the best care for your patients.
• American Psychological Association (APA) also provides caregiving resources for best practices. 

You may also enjoy reading End Game: How To Do It Your Way (Yes, Even Dying) by Susan Mercer

The post How to Avoid Pitfalls When Seeking a Long-Term Caregiver appeared first on BEST SELF.

Changing the world begins within, with healing our deepest wounds, which creates a lasting ripple effect on others and the planet itself

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Our planet needs healing. Yes, it’s true. The tragic imbalance of our Earth is evident daily. Our forests, oceans, animals, and climate require people who care and people who will advocate for change. But how? Politics, laws, and protests aren’t creating lasting change. Most days, we only see more turmoil than turning points. I see many people advocating, but I see very few healing themselves first. Maybe this is a red flag? Perhaps this is a life-saving flair shooting high in the sky. If so, I am pulling the trigger.

Deeper healing is needed. Healing of humanity’s spirit. Healing of our hearts and minds. 

We have to think outside the box and consider something beyond our tangible world. The imbalance we see on our planet is a mere reflection of the unseen inner imbalance within ourselves. To create a lasting change, we cannot heal one without the other. Sustainability is the true essence of ‘healing’. 

One of my teachers, Baron Baptiste, gives the perfect description of transformation in his book Being of Power. He says, “If you took a banana and turned it into a mango, that wouldn’t be transformation. But if you took a banana and turned it into a banana that tasted like a mango, that would be transformation, because the new fruit would look the same but possess entirely new qualities. Transformation means housing a different quality and substance inside the same form.” 

What a brilliant way to describe lasting change — it’s an inside job.

Unless we connect ourselves to our inner wisdom, we fail to become the fullest manifestations of our life’s purpose. Spoiler alert: we all have unique gifts to offer humanity — it’s the way we are hardwired. Our natural talents and gifts were perfectly designed to bring balance to our world from the inside-out. When we look within for this wisdom, it’s there waiting for us. It was always there. But most of us don’t bother to look and get curious. We go to school, get jobs that make money, spend the money, get bored and exhausted, and then sometimes we decide to start looking for more meaning somewhere around our mid-life. Sometimes. Sometimes we buy a corvette or get a nose job. 

We all too often try to change the outside and ignore the inside.

I started my non-profit, Spiritual-Sustainability.org, to teach this understanding to people who are ready to transform and help humanity transform as well. My mission is to build a community of support around the essential people healing our hearts and thus positively impacting our planet through lasting methods. Artists, teachers, shamans, musicians, leaders, influencers, and many more who are all healing themselves and also the wounds of humanity, individually and collectively. However, the structure is set up significantly different. I only accept donors who are vetted and strictly aligned with our vision for holistic healing and transformation. I keep a very small, committed roster of donors so we can effectively collaborate and make their substantial legacy projects a reality with the most significant impact.

As people heal the deep wounds that prevent compassion and connection, then our planet receives these gifts. 

As our planet thrives, so will her people. As the landscapes suffer, so does our soul’s imprint. This cycle will continue until we reach a better understanding.

Spiritual-Sustainability is about cultivating a sustainable spirit, becoming more connected to yourself, to others and our beautiful planet. This connection is within, and your intuition is your guide. We support three critical areas with our funding; the arts and music, film and video, and retreats to share this mission. Our programs range from small, intimate settings to concert venues and festivals. Our methodology teaches transformation from the present moment.

Using the methodology of Spiritual-Sustainability, you will survey your current intuitive state. Regular assessment and refinement is a defining key in masterful living. Through our programs, you will tap into and deepen your intuitive level (no matter where you are on your growth journey). When you increase your growth capacity, others are inspired. It creates a ripple effect that ultimately cures compassion fatigue and accomplishes far more for our environment, including humanity.

When you gain more in-depth insights, you will increase a natural desire for a committed (or re-committed) spiritual practice. You will grasp the importance of healing our collective consciousness, which allows for more significant impact socially, politically, environmentally, and globally. You may be thinking, “How does my one life matter?”

I am a spiritual coach and advisor, but I call myself a ‘spiritual activist’ because we need more people advocating for the spiritual healing of our inner wounds as much as we do our environmental issues. 

I believe the two are intrinsically related, and until we acknowledge that the flame of our spirit as collective humanity has been snuffed out, very little will change with lasting impact. 

I invite all avid environmental activists to join me in the discussion of making the powerful shift internally and allow me to show them what is possible externally. When we operate from authentic empowerment, significant changes will occur in our physical environment; the outside will always match the inside. This symmetry isn’t just my opinion. It is the nature of resonance. It’s physics.

Whether you acknowledge it or not, your life matters. Your unique fingerprint is proof enough; there is no one else like you on this planet. When you cultivate your uniqueness, you are playing the most significant leading role in healing yourself and others.

Mother Teresa said it best, “If you want to change the world, go home, and love your family.” 

I believe her message, albeit simple, was profound beyond her time and even more relevant now. To love your planet is also to love yourself, and your family. Without starting here, we have missed the mark of true sustainability entirely. To heal our world, we must heal ourselves.

So, you want to change the world? Good. Look deep into your own eyes and your own heart. Know yourself. Heal yourself. Commit to spiritual practice, focus on Spiritual Sustainability. By doing this, you will change the world. And even better, you will heal yourself and others.

You may also enjoy reading Morning and Evening Rituals to Enhance Mindfulness & Positivity by Barbara Larrivee

The post Spiritual Sustainability: So You Want to Change the World? Start Inside appeared first on BEST SELF.

Temper tantrums are one of the most difficult challenges of raising children; here’s a guide to help you manage your little one’s outbursts and restore calm

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Human beings love to be in control. We like to know what time our flight will take off for our next vacation, what time to be at work and what time our favorite TV show will be on. Conversely, when life becomes unpredictable, it makes people uncomfortable and sometimes even nervous. Before becoming a parent, most adults enjoy a mostly predictable and planned out life, involving a good sense of order. After becoming a parent… not so much.

Before having my first child, I worked as a Paralegal in NYC and enjoyed the predictability of my Long Island Railroad train leaving every morning at exactly 8:17AM, lunch promptly at 1pm and a return trip home on a train leaving from Penn Station at 5:37. My how things changed afterward.

Just after a child is born, most of us retain this feeling of control and the early days of infancy are often fairly easy and predictable with the baby sleeping most of the time. Not long after this, as the temporary false sense of ease slips away, many parents begin feeling a loss of control when the baby starts to cry and the real frustration comes in not knowing what is wrong: Sometimes the baby is hungry or tired or they have soiled their diaper. Usually the parent will figure out what to do. Once we discover the solution, we can regain a reasonable sense of control. 

Fast forward to the age of 18 months when the child’s ego starts to enter the picture — now the parent has to begin dealing with the anxiety-laden experience known as a temper tantrum. 

There is no way to know exactly when or where a temper tantrum will happen – but it WILL happen. 

I remember my friend relaying her first experience of her daughter having a temper tantrum at the checkout line at a big box retailer. She was already in the process of paying when suddenly, her daughter was screaming at the top of her lungs about wanting something that she had dropped or lost. Time suddenly stood still for her; she was paralyzed and mortified. She relayed to me that this was most awful experience of her life and she was afraid to go anywhere with her then 3-year old child again. She needed strategies, a plan; she half-wished that she could exchange her child for one with no temper. No such luck, children come with a no exchange, no return policy. They do, however, come with a lifetime guarantee of hard work. 

But when it comes to temper tantrums it seems that parents are actually off the hook. 

A recent study reveals that the best thing to do when a child has a temper tantrum is nothing. Yes, you read this right…nothing. 

Do nothing, say nothing, don’t react, and don’t respond. Even I was surprised to learn this, although I think I had figured out through trial and error that there really was nothing I could do when my kids were having their respective ‘moments’. A Psychiatrist told me this when I was having trouble with the temper tantrums of my son who has ADD, but I thought the Dr. must be mistaken… because I wanted to hang onto some thread of hope that I had even a minute level of control over my son’s tantrums. It is basic human nature for people to want to control things, fix things or manipulate our world.

Although there may be little you can do to ‘fix’ your child’s temper tantrums, there are many things you can do to avoid them. This is a subject that I have specialized in, both as a teacher and a parent.

Here are my tried-and-true methods for avoiding temper tantrums in kids, and if there are any cranky adults that you know, you many want to test these out on them as well!

Why Parents Hate Tantrums

1. They embarrass us.
2. Their timing is always inconvenient.
3. They conjure up unwanted emotions in us: anger, sadness, hopelessness.
4. They are often uncontrollable and unpredictable.
5. They get worse before they get better.
6. Public tantrums are a display of our parenting out there for everyone to judge.
7. One thing doesn’t work for every kind of tantrum.
8. Communication and reasoning break-down.
9. Stress.
10. It’s ugly… well, it is!

What Can Parents Do?

Temper tantrums are the one stage that every parent has experienced with their child; nobody’s child has skipped this stage no matter how perfect someone may say their kid is. When the tantrums occur in public, everyone observes in shock as if they’re passing a bad accident on the freeway. They stop and stare, sometimes judge. Sometimes you get people who are happy to give advice, but I also liken that to a bad auto accident — advice on how to drive better isn’t going to help the people in the car wreck at the moment.

Focus on the child and the tantrum and tune out everyone else, even your own logical thoughts — tantrums are not a time for adult logic. 

Keep your child’s perspective in mind, but of course, handle it in an adult manner. This isn’t easy, but it has to be done to make the situation better.

Some children are a bit more high maintenance than others; you know who you are if you have one of these challenging children. I raised my hand on that one. These toddlers are smart and especially sensitive to their environment. An itchy tag on clothing can set them off, but I’ve noticed they are more apt to throw tantrums when they are hungry or tired. 

Most children share the same basic needs:

A Need to be Understood

Take the time to let them know you hear them, even if it will be a disagreement. Try to be fair and explain simply, even if they are hollering. Kids are fair and just-minded. You can’t leave them hanging by taking away a toy. You must explain “mommy is taking this toy because ____. You will get it back when ____.”

All this explaining is worth it — even if it seems your child isn’t listening, it helps with transitions. Transitioning from one activity to another is especially hard for high maintenance toddlers. Simple explanations can be used as transitional phrases.

A Need for Routine and to Know what to Expect 

Tell your toddler, in simple language, “First we go to the store, then lunch.” “First and then” sentences are great to give your toddler some control over her world.

Help Feeling Peaceful 

If you weren’t especially intuitive before having a high maintenance child, you will become intuitive — or crash and burn. When your toddler starts a tantrum, check how you feel first, then calm yourself down, then speak clearly and expectantly with what you want. They’re less likely to be able to communicate at this time so keep your words and request simple — maybe one sentence.

It is really important to keep others who are being negative away from your child until the tantrum is done. During a tantrum one day, my father stood by and watched and kept nagging in the background “I’d spank her” repeatedly. Did this help either my child or me? No. My daughter got louder. I asked him to wait in the car — like the bad child he was acting like. My daughter was fine after he left and I explained to her she’d get a snack soon.

Get a feel for the environment and people around you. If you’ve ever seen Bambi II, Bambi’s father kept a watch over the whole herd and the forest — he told Bambi to “feel the forest around him.” It’s a learned gift and worth practicing and mastering.

These kids are sensitive so don’t get in their face— you just might end up slapped by them, and that would be your fault. And a corollary to that—don’t yell. While it’s human nature to want to react emotionally and impulsively, a calm response is always the best path.

Basics First

Are they hungry? Did you feed them before your outing? Are they tired? Arrange your schedule so that you don’t have to take care of errands when they are tired.

Focusing on the reason for the tantrum is exactly how to ease it or end it. Please consider your child’s age, perspective, and abilities before assuming they are just being ‘bad’. 

Public Tantrums

Public tantrums are typically triggered by oversensitivity and over-stimulation. We wonder why kids have tantrums in a toy store. It must because they are greedy? No! How about, I take you in a store with everything you’ve ever wanted and said you can’t have anything ever… not even in the future. Toddlers don’t live for the distant future; they want it all now because they live in the now. They don’t know their birthday is in two months and they could have some of what they want then.

Many parents believe in giving their children choices, but with toys that is almost futile. You may present them with two toys in front of them, but they also see the many other toys all around them on the shelves too — sensory overload! Malls, grocery stores, etc. are way too over stimulating, but I understand you can’t stay away from them all the time. Although I once read a book that stated to stay away from these places with your child — to take care of your errands without your child. Not bad advice if it was practical.

Sometimes public tantrums are also caused by bad timing on the parents’ part. The child may be hungry or tired. In these cases, prevention helps a lot. Simply avoid doing errands at that time. If you must take a hungry or tired child, bring a favorite toy in the store with them and make sure they’re buckled in so they can’t run around or have tantrum-squirming room.

What to Do 

If the public tantrum occurs, the best thing to do is take your child to a quiet corner of the mall or store, especially the bathrooms — merely removing them from the site of the tantrum can be helpful. Bathrooms are great because you don’t have to completely end your trip or leave your purchases — that’s so inconvenient! 

Once you find a quiet spot, relax and let your child see you being calm. Wait for them to calm down and the crying to stop, then use a cheerful or monotone voice to tell them the plan.

Again, try a ‘first… and then’ approach. Tell them “First we get food (groceries), then we go home.” Most of the time if they know what’s going to happen (the plan), they feel more in control. I use this ‘first… and then’ approach with my daughter very successfully. It’s also helpful to include something they will look forward to: First groceries, then, home, and then ____ (fill in the blank— watch cartoons, see grandma, play, go outside, etc.). Keep the unhappy child looking forward to something — it helps to get them out of the bad moment.

Other Advice 

Some people say to punish their behavior in public, not when you get home, but that is effective mostly for older kids. Toddlers, with a more limited sense of time relationships, will soon forget their tantrum and wonder why they are in a time-out when they get home. Most toddler tantrums aren’t punishable; they usually appear for a good reason — even if we don’t know that reason — and we need to just remain calm, reassuring and weather the storm.

Distraction rarely works in public — usually distraction and too much stimulation is the cause in the first place. If they want and are begging for something in the store…

Don’t give in… and in most cases, don’t even try compromising. 

Compromising, negotiation and reasoning are all things to avoid during a public tantrum.

At-Home Tantrums

Tantrums that occur at home are mostly because of boredom and seeking attention. Kids, whatever age, will get in trouble when they need attention or they’re bored. We love our kids but sometimes we need to take attention away from them to cook dinner, say hi to our spouse, etc… These tantrums are hard to avoid. 

What to Do

A way to avoid these tantrums is to give your child short bursts of attention interspersed with your chores and if your toddler is old enough, they can help you with laundry, etc. My 2-year old hands me clothes out of the hamper and then helps me put them in the dryer. This may take more time but so does taking the time to punish them. 

The home is a fairly controlled environment so there should be rules, expectations, and consequences.

Rules such as no hitting, screaming, throwing toys, and kicking are basic young toddler expectations and punishable when broken. 

Time-outs are great because you would hate to be spanked every time you were bored or wanted a little attention. Maybe you would like to be spanked if it gave you attention. Some toddlers actually think this way. Of course, we’ve all heard any attention is still attention. Time-outs are true punishment — no attention and only time to think, reflect, and deal with their anger and frustration all by themselves. When adults are angry, nothing gets solved if you engage with the other person; many of us will take our own time-out and hopefully come back and talk later. Spanking only engages you and the child during a bad time for both of you. 

Some people have a time limit for time-outs, but personally I think that when the child calms down and is able to apologize, etc. then the time-out has done the job. 

Top 5 Ways to Avoid Temper Tantrums in Kids

1. Food

Always, always (did I mention ‘always’?) have snacks for you kids. Children have stomachs that are proportionally small and their energy output is large so you really need to allow your child to graze. If your child gets hungry with no food in sight, you are creating the possibility of a temper tantrum. Each child is different and some need more grazing while still others can stick to more consistent meals. If you are away from home, always have snacks. Some on-the-go snacks can include fruit, crackers, healthy cereal, applesauce and milk. Make it a habit of leaving the house with an arsenal of snacks. (Of course, healthy snacks are best; avoid sugary snacks, as they can further trigger metabolic ‘spikes and crashes’).

2. Sleep

Early bedtimes give kids the sleep they need, naps are good too. A tired child equals a cranky child and that is a recipe for temper tantrum disaster.

3. Healthy food

While this is not as pivotal as the first two methods, the tail end of lots of sweets could easily set the stage for some uninvited drama. Stick with healthy, whole, unprocessed food as much as possible.

4. Don’t over-schedule your day

Plan out a reasonable amount of activities for your child; each child is different in this regard, so know your child and act accordingly. Children need both activity and down time within a day. Too much activity will over tax your child and may possibly lead to a temper tantrum.

5. Prepare your child for what will happen

Whenever possible, such as before you enter a store, birthday party, friend’s house etc., let her know what’s coming. One of the most difficult examples is if you are going to a toy store to buy a gift for their friend’s Birthday party. Try explaining that they will not be getting a gift that day; this is tough news for anyone. Although this method is effective, kids and toy stores do have a high level of temper tantrum frequency. Forewarned is forearmed.

If after using all of these techniques you still manage to find yourself face to face with a child in the midst of a temper tantrum, try to take deep breaths and repeat to yourself, “this too shall pass.”

Other advice

Spanking is an option for many parents, but like any punishment, it should be consistent and not just used to vent the parent’s anger. The more you use any form of punishment the more it becomes less effective so try to be creative sometimes, too. If you usually use time-outs and then save spanking for something truly serious, it will be much more effective. 

Warnings are another option, but consider the child’s attention span. Use one warning, not two or three; most parents can’t even keep track of more than one, so one is enough. Further, the child will benefit from learning that your words mean something — the first time. The caveat, of course, is that you must follow through with your warnings.

If all else fails, take your own time-out or even ignore a tantrum if you just can’t deal with it. 

You may also enjoy reading The Kindness Contagion: Cultivating Lovingkindness in Our Children by Christopher Willard

The post Understanding Your Child’s Temper Tantrums — and How to Deal with Them appeared first on BEST SELF.

Many children are reluctant to go to school, as a parent you can assuage their anxiety through awareness, love and a little toughness

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Do you have a child that is having a hard time adjusting to going to school? If so, you are not alone. School anxiety is real, and more common than you may think.

For some children (and parents as well), embarking on this journey of a more social and academic life can be scary. Some kids go running for that bus on day one, but others, such as my youngest, cling to their mothers with all the howling and fierceness of someone going off to battle. 

As a parent, although this may be difficult, it is important to remember that in any educational story, there will be bumps along the road. That said, it is important to keep in mind that a child’s anxiety about going to school may be a sign that something is going on that is making them feel unsafe or unsure. 

Embrace the Journey

As I walked my 3^rd grader into school on the first day this year (yes, he still can’t face the bus at times), I passed the drop-off kindergartners and their parents, standing outside the doors as they waited for them to open. It almost brought me to tears as I heard the gasps and sniffles and saw the wet eyes and fear — in both parents’ and childrens’ eyes, as they clung to each other, arms around necks. “This was just me,” I thought; and truly, sometimes it still is. 

But now, after many years and children, I know giving up your children to school is good for kids, no matter what their individual struggles will be, even when they don’t believe it.

It may sometimes feel like unchartered territory as you learn more about your child and their individual needs during this journey but know that there are so many resources available to parents online, through the school, and in the form of medical professionals for you to take advantage of, especially in regard to childhood school-related anxieties. 

If this is one of your child’s primary years, and his anxieties seem mild, be comforted by the likelihood that he or she will soon grow out of fears about going to school. If, however, you suspect there are deeper issues than simple separation anxiety as your child progresses through primary grades, the reasons why need to be uncovered and appropriately addressed for their own good and their ultimate success.

Reasons a Child May Be Refusing to Go to School

• To get away from feeling bad. He is trying to avoid something at school that causes anxiety, depression or other feelings of distress.
• To avoid social interactions or public evaluation. He has anxiety in social situations, trouble with peer interactions, or is worried about how he’ll do in testing situations and/or about being called on in class.
• To get attention. Her tantrums, clinginess, and separation anxiety may be a way to get the attention she desires.
• To get some sort of reward outside of school. This can be as simple as being able to watch TV or play video games while at home.
• Fear of riding the bus. The feeling of fear can be real for your child, even if the fear appears to you to be unfounded.

Know Your Child and Advocate for Them

The elementary years are quite critical years in the lives of children. Things that occur within this time frame set the scene for their worldview, ideas about themselves, their abilities, education and striving toward success for years to come. We, as parents and members of this speed-of-light world, all have extremely busy lives, and when you add to this our jobs as well, it can only get unimaginably busier. 

However, it is critical to give your child’s interactions at school apt attention, so that if any important problems do exist or arise during their progressions, you can catch them early and address them with the appropriate plan of action. If your child is experiencing difficulty with going to school — from crying at go-time to struggles with learning to over-stimulation, to physical, cognitive and developmental problems, to social anxieties…

Being there to help your child deal with these issues is truly a critical function of your role as their primary caretaker and guide in life. 

Many of the common problems young children face today just need time to resolve themselves. But others require action and you as parent are the one that needs to make the call toward seeking help when it becomes a necessity. Remember that as one of the people in the world who knows your child best, you as parent, are also the most qualified to make that distinction.

Talk to Teachers and Ask for Help When You Need It

Your single greatest resource in engaging in your child’s educational and developmental process is your relationship with teachers. Instead of making them your adversary, try very hard to nurture a good working relationship with them toward providing your child with what they need to learn and thrive. Listen to the feedback your child’s teacher gives you. Discuss your child’s apprehensions about school with his or her teachers. Often, teachers can provide that insight for you to determine if your child’s anxieties about school are related to academics, emotional problems, or social problems or if they could possibly even be related to some kind of physical malady. 

Ask them for some clarity surrounding occurrences within the classroom. If you need to seek further assistance from other special resources within your school district, such as speech pathologists, school psychologists, or special service professionals for learning disabled children to make your children a little more comfortable in their school environment, do it. Don’t be afraid of uncovering a special need in your child. Getting them the proper help if they struggle in any area is always a good thing when truly warranted. 

Seek Medical Attention When Necessary

Your pediatrician can be a first line of defense for your child as you embark on their educational journey and the process of growing up healthfully. Discuss any problems your child is having with your pediatrician — from anxiety, to potential learning disabilities to the existence of allergies, to potential physical abnormalities. Your doctor can offer you good advice and referrals for further help if any small issues warrant further preventative, diagnostic, or therapeutic treatment. If your child has extreme anxiety when it comes to school or if your child is dealing with any mentally challenging difficulties at home, do not be afraid to seek further professional interventions; they can remain as confidential as you or your child wishes. 

No problem is too small to warrant further investigation if your child is showing signs of suffering or delay, academically or developmentally. Larger problems, if the warning signs are there, will not go away by ignoring them. Left unattended, they can cause more serious difficulties for your child later on.

Don’t Overreact or Underreact When Problems Arise

Kids will be kids and it is important not to overreact or jump to conclusions when a child hits a bump in the road.

Watchful waiting is a good strategy in the early grades because, as previously stated, many difficulties resolve with time.

However, if you suspect that your child has an issue that does require further attention at some point, or if your child’s teacher is urging you to investigate issues like anxiety, attention deficit or behavioral or learning problems, remember that there is the potential that a larger problem may exist that needs to be treated. These may include mental disorders, trouble with bullying, child molestation, maladjustment to learning disabilities. All of these can be, and should be, met with action. 

Tips To Encourage Your Child To Go To School

It is important to keep in mind that a child’s refusal to go to school or anxiety about going to school well may be a sign that something is going on that is making them feel unsafe or unsure. Assuming there is not a medical or extreme social factor in play, here are some strategies to make going to school easier for your child:

• Make sure your child gets a good night sleep.
• Give your child a security blanket, toy, or picture of you to bring to school for comfort.
• Speak with the teacher so she may support your child throughout the day.
• Make sure your child is up and ready to go in the morning, with all homework done.
• Give your child a good breakfast.
• Don’t give in to crying or feigned illness.
• Teach your child some basic relaxation techniques.
• Allow your child to check in with you during the day if need be.
• Talk to teachers and ask for help when you need it.
• Seek medical attention when necessary.
• Don’t underreact or overreact when problems arise.
• Monitor warning signs that could point to larger issues.

Pay Attention to Warning Signs for Childhood Depression or Anxiety

Sometimes, even the best strategy is not enough to eliminate your child’s school-related anxiety. If you suspect your child may be suffering from childhood anxiety or depression, here are some common signs and symptoms to look for:

• Irritability or anger
• Continuous feelings of sadness and hopelessness
• Social withdrawal
• Increased sensitivity to rejection
• Changes in appetite, either increased or decreased
• Changes in sleep, either sleeplessness or excessive sleep
• Vocal outbursts or crying
• Difficulty concentrating
• Fatigue and low energy
• Reduced ability to function during events and activities at home or with friends, in school, extracurricular activities, and in other hobbies or interests
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Thoughts of death or suicide

If your child is displaying any of these symptoms on a regular basis, you may need to consult your doctor to rule out serious concerns. Whether the feelings are fleeting or deeply rooted, as a parent you have the power — and responsibility — to help your child begin the process of dealing with them in a positive way.

You may also enjoy reading ALPHABREATHS: The ABC’s of Mindful Breathing For Kids by Christopher Willard

The post Helping Your Child When They Have Anxiety About Going to School appeared first on BEST SELF.

Forest bathing is an easy self-care practice that helps you reduce your stress levels by connecting you to nature

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From our inescapable smartphones to the constant go-go-go of today’s busy world, more and more people are feeling disconnected from their own lives and the world around them. For some, a practice known as forest bathing is the key to restoring both their sense of self and their understanding of their place in the world. This easy self-care routine requires nothing more than you and the ability to get to your nearest wild space to help you find the holistic balance you’ve been missing out on.

A Japanese Practice with Universal Roots

The term ‘forest bathing’ comes from the Japanese name for the practice, Shinrin-Yoku— which translates to ‘forest bath’. Developed in the 1990s to combat the increasing stress of industrial living, the practice of forest bathing centers around the idea of returning to nature to combat stress, ground yourself, and reconnect with the natural world around you. This practice of finding mindfulness through nature, however, extends beyond walking through the gardens of Japan. You can take the vestiges of this therapeutic practice and apply it to any wild space around you, from wildlife preserves to botanical gardens, and even city parks.

Nature Therapy

Returning to the forest or green spaces may be nothing new, but in a time when so many people are moving to cities, this is a much-needed reminder of how beneficial organic and natural spaces can be. Just as many are seeking wellness from organic ethnobotanicals found in forests and jungles rather than taking prescription pills to ease ailments, people are ‘returning to the earth’ and getting out of urban spaces. 

Real Health Benefits

While some may be tempted to write off forest bathing as the latest new-age fad, the facts are that the history of our National Parks and wild spaces were created by people who understood the fundamental benefits of nature.

As science has sought to explain the human condition, it has only confirmed that the practice of returning to nature has numerous positive effects on our health and wellness. Researchers in one 2011 study found that those who took a forest walk, rather than a walk through the city, experienced significant reductions in their blood pressure and stress hormones. While another study found that the smell of trees (particularly cedar oil) had a calming, sedative effect on walkers.

Getting Ready for the Wild

If you don’t get outdoors regularly, there is some preparation needed before you begin your first excursion. Begin by picking a location, as this will affect the number of preparations you need to make. Our nation is filled with both state and National Parks that offer access to nearly untouched nature. Wildlife refuges offer an even ‘wilder’ experience where you may be able to view regionally-based wildlife from afar. If these destinations prove too far away for you, your local city parks could offer the perfect nature getaway. 

Shy away from the neighborhood playground-style areas; instead, try looking for areas with trees and a hiking trail where you can truly immerse yourself in the depths of nature. If you’re a true born and bred metropolitan, a journey through the wilds of a National Park may be too overwhelming. If so, choose an area where you can feel comfortable and confident in order to get the most out of your experience.

Bathing in the Green

One of the most important aspects of forest bathing is the willingness to turn your phone off while you walk. The point of forest bathing is to eliminate the overwhelming technological distractions of the modern world in order to increase your comfort within nature. While you may want to carry your phone in case of emergencies, challenge yourself to disconnect and spend this time focusing on your breathing while enjoying the sights, sounds, and smells of nature!

There is no wrong way to forest bathe — this is your chance to connect not just with nature, but with yourself. Do what you can to leave your time in nature feeling uplifted, fulfilled, and reconnected with yourself and the world around you.

You may also enjoy reading Tips to Make Your Workout Eco-Friendly by Ian Lewis

The post Forest Bathing: How Immersing in Nature Can Help You Reconnect appeared first on BEST SELF.

Here are 4 simple ways to increase your happiness while saving your money and our planet

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Living a simpler lifestyle is a concept that has been gaining traction over the past few years. Whether you opt for minimalism in your everyday life, move into a tiny house, or strive to put our planet first with your actions, there is a certain freedom tied to simplicity that can increase your happiness. 

If you’re looking for ways to enhance your life, consider embracing these green lifestyle habits: 

1. Decrease Screen Time

Conservation is a huge part of the environmentalist movement. A great way to achieve energy conservation is by spending less time in front of a screen. Whether this means simply watching less Netflix, or reducing the time you spend on your phone, each minute away from your electronic devices will add up quicker than you think. 

While it might not seem as though spending time on social media is harmful to our planet, it actually should be of some concern to you. The more time you spend refreshing your Instagram feed or posting a simple tweet, the harder online computer servers have to work. A Fast Company article outlines that online engagement, especially through mobile apps, keeps ICT servers and data centers running constantly, which increases planet-harming CO2 emission. As the use of smart phones steadily increases with no sign of subsiding, now is the time to consider putting our planet first by decreasing your screen time.

How will this increase your happiness?

Research has shown that young adults who have quit social media have found themselves to be less anxious and more positive. 

Those off social media platforms also feel more freedom and less pressure to please others. Whether you decide to be on your phone less or opt to read as opposed to watching tv, be sure to block out some time to engage with nature as well. The less time you spend online, the more time you’ll have to spend outside. 

2. Increase Your Sense of Purpose 

Standing up for the things you believe in by spending time volunteering for meaningful causes is a rewarding practice, especially when they’re things you’re passionate about. Studies have shown that those who participate in altruistic activities have a stronger sense of purpose in life. 

If you’re looking for a cause to get behind, look no further than taking action to help our planet. The next time you find yourself with a Saturday to yourself, dedicate the day to some eco-friendly activities. Whether you get creative with some upcycling projects, or you make use of your green thumb by spending the day mapping out a backyard garden, conserving water and energy at home, or spending a day picking up litter around local highways, find an environmental task that makes you feel both motivated and excited. 

3. A Fuller Wallet

Though it might be hard to believe, there are ways to make going green even more affordable than your current lifestyle. A perfect place to start is with reuse.

There are many items you discard daily that actually can be reused and transformed into something new:

• Dryer Sheets: Give dryer sheets new life by using them for dusting, or as hair wipes to combat frizziness on a hot day.
• Plastic bags: Keep track of your old plastic bags to use the next time you take your dog on a walk, or to cover your house plants and trap in moisture when you go away on vacation.
• Books: Before you go to donate older books you’re not sure anyone would want, get creative by using the pages to create envelopes or gift tags around the holidays.
• Thrifting: Another great way to support a green cause while also saving is by thrift shopping for the perfect old couch to move into a college dorm, to snagging your new favorite vintage pair of sneakers. The more you shop used, the less clothing ends up landfills. Even if you’re someone who prefers to have a more modern look, you can find known brands like Madewell at online consignment shops such as thredUP. 

4. Stronger Community Connection

Taking care of our planet also means taking care of the community you live in as well. Whether this means you pick up trash at your local beaches or you help plant a public garden, it’s no secret that going green helps foster a stronger community connection. The more involved you feel in helping your town environment thrive, the more likely you are to feel a connection to the place you call home. 

Take your eco-friendly lifestyle changes to a new level by organizing public forum meetings to engage and encourage others to take action as well. Try organizing a neighborhood carpool to reduce your community’s carbon footprint, or gather up some volunteers to help plot out a space to place fresh produce at a local nursing home/school. Though happiness can be a very relative feeling, developing deep roots within your community through the connections you make with others will most definitely leave you with a smile on your face.

You may also enjoy reading Mother Nature’s Hourglass: A Biologist Reminds Us That Time Is Running Out by Dave Cannon

The post Going Green: It’s Not Just About the Environment, it Can Increase Your Happiness, Too appeared first on BEST SELF.

Traveling becomes more accessible when you learn to budget, prioritize, relax and enjoy the people and culture different from your own

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Once social media was introduced, the world expanded into a great platform for far-off friendships. 

You can become a wanderlust explorer through sites like Facebook or Skype to forge friendships and to learn about other people and their cultures. You can also use social media to find ways to travel to meet those new friends. Although traveling beyond the borders can be quite expensive, if you have curiosity in your veins and a desire to explore — or maybe even teach — then there are ways to travel abroad on a budget. 

Here are some suggestions:

Volunteer Abroad

Most of us would love to sign on to help and serve others in other countries by doing things that support sustainability efforts in other parts of the world. Volunteering can also help you feel like you have become family to the natives. Paying for trips like these usually just costs the amount it takes to join the volunteer organization.

Couch Surfing   

If you are interested in more of an exploration or excavation adventure, then this would probably be a great way for hikers or a treasure hunter to save some money. These days it is not difficult to find people who are willing to rent out rooms in their homes and provide meals for a small fee. It is cheaper to pay a single fee to a native homeowner than to go broke paying for a hotel and dinner out every night.

The best part is that you usually will gain an insider’s knowledge about the country you are in when staying with a local. 

Travel with Friends 

Throw all the pocket change that you have in a pile with your best buddies and budget out a great adventure! The best part of traveling this way is that you will not have to enjoy your experiences alone. And after everyone antes up, you will probably have enough money to enjoy a once in a lifetime trip together with your friends.

Study Abroad

This is a great way to go if you are a college student looking for an adventure. A lot of colleges offer this option or will point you in the direction of programs where you can earn college credit. Financial aid packages generally cover the cost of overseas studies, but there are always scholarships to apply for to help pay for your study abroad.

Become a Minimalist 

When thinking about traveling overseas, it pays to be minimalist. In addition to minimizing your expenses, you will also want to minimize the things you will need to pack for your trip.

The truth is, the less you need, the more freedom and less stress you will have. 

A New Sense of Self

There are so many different things you can learn when out of your comfort zone and in another world, so soak in every part of your visit to whatever destination you pick. Learn the language. Make new friendships. And find the beauty in the beyond. Travel provides you an opportunity to find the freedom in simplicity, and the love in all humankind. Maybe while discovering a new way of life, you will also find a new person within yourself.

You may also enjoy reading Travel Tall | Heeding A Passion For Travel by Eric Giuliani

The post Explore More: Tips To Travel Abroad On A Budget appeared first on BEST SELF.

The body was made to move, it is essential for our physical and mental wellbeing and especially potent when done in nature

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For the most part of my childhood and teenage life, physical activity was like a dear friend that always seemed to be there when needed, yet never too imposing when not.

Growing up, everyone played at least one team sport or played outside by running, jumping, wrestling or just moving around. It was easy and normal; it just came naturally. I can’t remember the year I stopped appreciating the power of fitness, but I do know that after that, it was all downhill for my self-esteem, mood and happiness.

When you’re young — the not-a-single-worry-in-the-world young — your body and mind seem to instinctively embrace what’s healthy and discard what’s harmful.

As you age, you learn how to think things through and be responsible, but you also lose that instinct guiding you intuitively through what seems wrong and needs change.

I’m not saying that childish recklessness and impulsivity are the ways to go through life, but sometimes clearing your mind of mounting thoughts opens space to see simple, yet powerful solutions which have been buried in there all the time. 

In my case, a moment of epiphany came in the realization that every life-changing decision I make comes from an empty and open mind, clear of distractions. With this mindset, the truth is always simple:

If I want a happy and fulfilling life, I need to return to nature.

One way to do so is by excercising in nature.

THE BENEFITS OF EXERCISE

The stress, anxiety, mood swings, and depression that most people deal with in their adult life are often a consequence of negligent self-care and chronic over-thinking. I’m not talking about clinical depression and serious mental illnesses; I’m talking about what the majority of people experience. 

Movement is cross-sectionally associated with lowering neuroticism, anxiety and stress. Studies show that exercise can treat mild to moderate depression as effectively as antidepressant medication — but without the side-effects. Imagine it as a means of instantly feeling better about yourself without having to depend on pills or drugs. 

To address these concerns, we often forget about the role of nature in preserving mental health. Spending some time in fresh air and natural light on a daily basis can reduce mood swings and trigger positive thinking. 

For me, the simplest and the least overwhelming activity to take up was jogging. It’s a perfect activity to keep you fit. I enjoy the deep, full breathing one can do only when outside. When I started running, I’d lose myself following the path’s curve in my neighborhood park and feel every bump and dent under my trainers.

Counting trees, identifying smells, and giving in to gentle bird sounds became an activity on its own, an incidental practice of mindfulness and peace I didn’t expect. 

Beyond individual fitness regimens, team sports like field hockey, football, basketball, and other goal-oriented activities are great for creating a sense of belonging and purpose. The communal atmosphere is beneficial for boosting self-esteem and creating a better self-image. Likewise, the more you spend quality time in nature with other people of same interests, the more you feel the urge to be outside, to socialize, and to contribute to a unified goal. 

Exercise, whether it be hitting the gym, taking a fitness class, or going for a run, is the best thing you can do for yourself right after you open your eyes. Research has shown that moderate-intensity physical activity, like running, is highly beneficial since it releases chemicals like endorphins, the mood-boosting hormones, without being too intense and demanding on the body. 

There are also benefits to repetitive, rhythmic physical activity like running, swimming, cycling, and hiking which are great for tackling ruminative thinking (repetitive, obsessive and usually negative over-thinking). Compare it to a mother consistently rocking a baby in a cradle. 

WAKING UP WITH NATURE

I was always a die-hard night owl. I tend to get a creative burst of energy around 11 p.m. (and I still do now, even as a converted morning person). This ability to burn the midnight oil certainly came in handy when procrastination kicked in at college. I’ve since concluded that my brain is wired to stay up late and wake up late. 

For a long time, I didn’t realize that I’m actually missing a lot by isolating myself at night. Although I was being productive with work, other areas of my life were suffering badly — my eating habits were erratic, I would often sleep in or not sleep at all, I didn’t exercise, and I couldn’t make myself go out and socialize with friends because I was always tired. Working at night can nourish feelings of self-sufficiency and provide comfort in solitude, yet this pattern can also tempt you into further isolation from the rest of the world.

But converting to a morning person takes effort. 

In the beginning, the horror of waking up to a 5 a.m. alarm sound may seem unbearable, but in time your body and mind get used to this rhythm, especially when you start experiencing the benefits of getting up before everybody else.

Nature is at its finest in the morning. It’s neither too dark nor too hot and you get to participate in the gradual awakening of the day. It’s almost a meditative-like state that transcends the physical and becomes a way to heal the mind. Exercising outside in the morning gives you a chance to feel nature without any distractions that inevitably come as the day progresses due to crowds, noise, traffic, and overwhelming worries about daily obligations that ruin the pleasure. 

My experience with exercising in the morning made me feel like I’m truly in the nature, even though I live in a busy area.

I felt like I belonged there, like I owed it to the grass and the bright sky and the trees, to celebrate their existence. All of that is reinforced by a runner’s high that the exercising brings which left me with a recharged mind, and a sense of belonging and importance that wasn’t dependent on other people or situations. 

Life-changing decisions come from a clear head; nothing meaningful ever happens when your brain is stressed.

A simple run in the morning may be more healing and stress-reducing than any therapy or drug. 

Ultimately, what I discovered is that I can single-handedly heal my mind by giving it what it craves: a fusion of nature and exercise.

You may also enjoy Best Self Yoga Flow for Flexibility and Relaxation by Carter Miles

The post The Power of Nature to Heal Your Body and Mind appeared first on BEST SELF.

Working out is good. We all know that. But an eco-friendly workout is not only good for your mind, body and spirit, it’s also good for the planet

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Adopting a workout habit is a challenge. Making your workout eco-friendly might seem like an insurmountable obstacle. But there are many ‘life hacks’ you can employ to achieve your best physical performance without leaving a significant carbon footprint. 

Here are some useful tips to make your workout environmentally-friendly:

1. Buy Brands of Clothing Made from Recycled Materials

Unless you have been living under a rock, you know that there is a whole industry out there dedicated to the production of sportswear. In keeping with modern sensibilities, many of these brands are altering their way of producing clothes by officially going green with sustainable manufacturing practices and innovative materials. 

For example, you can turn to brands such as Rockay, which strives to use recycled materials (including ocean plastic) in fashioning quality running wear which meets the highest safety standards — especially regarding flame resistance. Patagonia is another leading eco-friendly brand of climbing accessories and outerwear for those of you that like to partake in mountaineering activities in the grand outdoors (or the urban jungle). 

If you are practicing yoga, Suga mats are renowned for being constructed of eco-friendly materials. You can also take a look at products from the United by Blue brand (which prioritizes recyclability as part of their craft process), and Shift to Nature. 

You also have an option to turn to more recognizable brands that have also embraced a green agenda, such as Adidas which has decided to lead by example by repurposing plastic waste into solid materials for their special lines of clothing and shoes. 

Of course, once your eco-wear wears out, dispose of it at a recycling center as opposed to tossing it in the trash. That way, your clothing can be repurposed yet again.

2. Adopt Eco-Friendly Practices

Embrace the great outdoors — You don’t have to drive to the gym every day and poison your environment. In fact, you don’t have to go to an over air-conditioned gym at all. Instead, you can simply get into your green sportswear and hit the grassy fields of the closest park to do an exercise routine amidst the greenery that will do wonders for your immunity. This is an amazing option for people that practice yoga since you can pretty much do it anywhere you like as long as you bring your mat along. 

Jog whenever you can — For thousands of years, humans had to rely on their own physical energy and their own two feet to hunt and gather. In that sense, we are quite literally designed by nature to move and run. Simply going out and jogging at a modest pace (or even power walking) will yield incredible benefits: You will sleep better, improve your circadian rhythm, promote the secretion of hormones that have a positive impact on your body, strengthen your muscles, and increase your endurance. 

Workout at home — For specific training or comfort during inclement weather, you can always bring your workout home. There is so much you can do with a few pairs of weights, an exercise ball, and a yoga mat. Not only will you save time and money, you will also minimize your carbon footprint by not driving to the gym. 

Own a reusable water bottle — One of the simplest green shifts you can make is to use a reusable water bottle. There are many brands, in both plastic (make sure they are BPA-free) and metal, and many come with attachments or harnesses to easily hold your hydration in place while you exercise. For longer treks on foot or bike, consider a lightweight hydration pack with a refillable bladder.

Bike everywhere — Use a bike to commute to work and dart around town. This will cut down your contribution to the local air pollution while adding more mileage to your daily cardio exercises. Biking is also undeniably convenient since you’ll never get stuck in traffic! Doing it even a few times a week makes a difference. 

There is a myth that eco-friendly practices cost money. Quite the contrary. Pretty much anyone can adopt green habits and most of them will actually save you money in the long run. This is particularly true for eco-friendly workout practices, which additionally benefit the planet and foster a deeper connection to nature. 

So, are you ready to re-think your fitness routine?

You may also enjoy our Best Self Yoga Flow for Flexibility and Relaxation by Carter Miles

The post Tips to Make Your Workout Eco-Friendly appeared first on BEST SELF.

Traveling with young children can be challenging, but there are steps you can take to make road trips more enjoyable for the entire family

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Ever been on a road trip with a baby or toddler and stuck on what to do? If so, I’m sure you have experienced your own stresses and challenges. But it doesn’t have to be that way!

Here are 5 tips on how to make the most of a car trip with young children:

1.   Take Along All Necessary Items

Anyone who is embarking on a journey should always have all the necessary items in place to make the journey as stress-free as possible. When packing for a road trip road with babies and toddlers, write a checklist to make sure you have packed a diaper bag, food box, water bottles, and cereals. Not packing the necessary items puts you in a tight situation with your baby at the back of the car. This is especially true for nursing mothers. 

2.   Spend Time In The Backseat At Lunchtime

Babies and toddlers are unpredictable because they could be very quiet at some certain points, but that can change within a few minutes. When this happens, park and spend time with your baby. This is certainly one of the best ways to get through a road trip with newborn onboard.

However, in a case where your baby does not cry or fuss, it is still important to spend time in the backseat with your child. During lunch hours, for instance, you can feed, play and do things together before proceeding with your journey. Doing so, babies tend to sleep thereafter, which helps you as a mother enjoy your trip without being disturbed.

3.   Entertain With A Puppet Or Movie

There are different things that amuse toddlers, so be sure to always take them along. Two of these things are puppets and movies. A puppet keeps them laughing throughout the journey and a movie gets them busy while you drive. These two methods take away kids’ anxiety and keeps them amused by what they see and hear. 

Kids who prefer puppets to movies may need your help so be prepared to park at intervals and be a puppeteer. As for movies, choose nice animations or cartoons that are relatable and amusing; you can even park and watch together for some minutes before you move on. 

4.   Pack Enough Snacks and Meals

Surviving a long road trip with a toddler (and adults!), you need to pack enough healthy snacks like whole wheat doughnuts which are great for road trips because they keep them satisfied and don’t cause choking. As for meals, there is nothing more fun about a car trip than doing all the things together and eating nice meals along the way.

5.   Engage In Songs and Stories

If there is something we have learned about life, it is that music is a soul-reliever and a mind-healer. This is true for kids as well as adults. Songs are perfect for kids who tend to cry easily. You can either play nice songs from your stereo which your kid is familiar with or sing a special song that puts him or her to ease. Every kid has that special song or story he or she likes, so be prepared to play it or sing it with them.

Conclusion

Many people have tried to find answers to not getting stuck in life, especially when it comes to handling kids on a trip. These suggestions have proven effective over the years, fostering a good parent-child relationship, as well as helping to make the travel experience less stressful and more enjoyable for all.

You may also enjoy reading Family Time: 6 Tips for Creating & Maintaining Strong Family Bonds by Nora Mork

The post Road Trips With Babies and Toddlers: 5 Tips To Survive and Thrive appeared first on BEST SELF.

Striking a balance between your work and home life is easier when you learn to manage your time well, involve your family, and make time for yourself.

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Trying to balance your work and family life is hard. 

You may often feel like you have too many balls in the air at the same time, constantly stressed because you fear they’ll all fall to the ground. When you’re juggling your career and your family and you don’t find a balance, both are likely to suffer. 

Making a conscious decision to find a balance is vital… and possible. Here’s how:

1. Establish Boundaries between Work and Home

Creating boundaries is the only way you can prevent your work from encroaching on your home life and your home life from distracting you at work. 

If you take work home and spend your evenings answering emails and working on projects, you’re missing out on time you should be spending with your spouse and children.

Relaxing with your loved ones will help to recharge you.

You can approach your work with renewed energy the next day instead of feeling as though you never have a break.

Perhaps you’re studying to improve your career prospects and you have an assignment you need to finish. If so, think about using an outside service such as academic writing services to save you time which you could devote to your family. Rather than spending a whole weekend writing an essay, you could use a professional writer service. This would give you more time to spend with yourfamily. 

You must be able to focus fully and work smart at work without being distracted by family problems.

Applying some time management skills at work could free up more time for you and your family. This involves issues such as understanding the difference between urgent and important tasks .

2. Involve Your Family In the Process

When you think finding a balance rests on your shoulders alone, it can be very daunting. But when you understandwhat your spouse and children are thinking and how they feel — as well as any objections they may have— will open your eyes. For starters, you will become more aware of areas where you could improve. 

Despite your desire for the perfect balance, there will always be certain occasions where you’re forced to put work first and other times when you have to put family first. 

But if you give your children some idea of the responsibilities and obligations you face at work, you helpthem understand why there are times when you’re unavoidably caught up at work. 

If you find it hard to shake off work when you walk into your home, it may help to take time to shower and changeyour clothes. Children are quick to pick up on your state of mind and you don’t want to put a damper on your time with them. 

Connect with your family through routines you can do together on a daily basis.

These don’t have to be time-consuming, so look for ways to turn regular chores, such as washing the dishes, into a bonding time. 

Your children enjoy being around you, whether it’s taking the dog for a walk or watering the garden. As long as you’re relaxed and listening to their chatter, they are happy. 

Make sure you’re home for dinner as often as possible. Eating together as a family is a wonderful opportunity to bond and stay close. If it’s late and your children have already eaten, sit down for a snack and a chat with them before they go to bed. Eating together can be a special time of the day for the whole family and give you the chance to share the day’s experiences. 

3. Get Organized

Make a decision about what hours you will work and what hours you will protect for yourself and your family. Create some systems and routines that help you to stay organized at home and at work, such as using a time management planner to help you plan your days, prioritize your tasks, and keep you on track. 

Creating a calendar can help you to keep a track of everyone’s activities.

Try to carve out time on your calendar for a date night or two every month with your spouse. Schedule one night a week as a special night for the family, such as movie night or computer game night. Your children will love having one night they know is devoted to them. 

Establish routines that help to make your life easier.

For example, you may find it worthwhile to lay out clothes and pack school lunches in the evening. If you have a list of all your errands and personal responsibilities for the day, delegate certain tasks to your spouse and your children, such as taking out the trash or feeding the dog. 

Plan your meals for the week ahead of time. There are many free printable weekly meal planners you can use which will help you feel less stressed while giving you more time for your family. 

4. Take Care of Yourself

When you’re working and raising a family, you often don’t have much time to take care of yourself. 

It is essential to exercise, eat healthily, and take time out to relax. 

Exercise gives you more energy, alleviates anxiety,and improves your focus so you’re more productive. It will also benefit your sleep. Eating healthy meals also gives you the energy you need to perform well and feel great. 

Everyone has different ways to relax, so you need to find what helps you to deal with your stress. Some people find meditation or yoga most relaxing while for others it may be watching funny videos or going for a massage. 

Balancing work and family often boils down to managing your time well.

You need to make the most of your time at work and the time with your family. Different strategies work for different people, but when you achieve a balance, you are less prone to feeling stressedout. 

There is nothing wrong with working hard, but never forget the importance of your own self-care and spending time with the people that matter most to you. 

You may also enjoy reading Family Time: 6 Tips for Creating & Maintaining Strong Family Bonds by Nora Mork

The post Family and Career: 4 Tips for Finding A Balance That Works For You appeared first on BEST SELF.

The harmful effects of drug abuse go beyond just the individual, they effect one’s friends and family too… and that is further reason to stop

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Drugs cause so much harm, not only to the person that is doing them but to those around them. 

A lot of times, the person doing the drugs does not realize that they are hurting those that are close to them. They might not realize a lot of what is going on around them because they are more worried about getting their fix. Drugs can destroy people, but by realizing their path of destruction, the person may have an easier time being able to overcome their addiction and fight for those that they love.

Here are some of the ways drugs can impact your life:

Loss of Relationships

Those that do drugs are more likely to lose relationships because of the drugs they are doing. This is because they have to work to tend to them.

Relationships are like flowers in a garden. If the flowers do not get sunlight and water, they are going to wither and die.

The same goes for relationships. Those that are not tended too will fade away.

Those that are dealing with addiction are prone to shut out anyone that mentions the addiction to them. They may also start to become angry and mean towards them or push them away without realizing they are doing so. The addiction and substance become more important to them, even more important than the relationships.

Changes in Family and Friend Dynamics

The dynamics of a family are simple for many people. The parents take care of the children, and so on. When someone has an addiction, the dynamics might switch, making things harder on everyone and putting everyone in danger. If the parents have the addiction, the kids may have to take care of the parents, and even their siblings. This puts them in a caregiving role, which oftentimes hurts or burdens their lives.

This is usually something that can damage the children of the family more than anyone else. The older siblings generally have to fend for themselves and for their younger siblings to ensure that they are able to survive. They are usually the ones that have poor hygiene and eating habits, paying little or no attention to self-care.

Emotional Issues and Grief

There are many different emotional issues that can stem from addiction and drug abuse, such as depression, anger, paranoia, anxiety, and a host of other conditions.

Usually, when a person is dealing with these types of issues, the rest of the family is also dealing with the same ones.

This can cause profound emotional turmoil for everyone, especially the family as a unit. 

They may be feeling emotions that are different from one another, but when one person is dealing with an addiction, the rest of the family has to deal with it as well. This is where many families find themselves having the hardest time. Those that are not addicted may not want to deal with the emotional parts of dealing with an addicted family member, and instead want to walk away.

Learn How to Cope with Stress in Healthy Ways

In many cases, the person that is dealing with the addiction turns to it in the beginning because they are looking for a way to get out of stressful situations. But there are other ways to reduce the amount of stress  you are feeling without turning to this addiction. Some approaches are listed below:

• Meeting with someone to speak about how you feel
• Prescription medications
• Reducing the amount of responsibility you have
• Journaling how you feel on a regular basis
• Meditation
• Eating healthy, well-balanced meals 
• Drinking plenty of water
• Taking a break when you need one
• More exercise 

How to Avoid Relapses

Relapses happen. However, if you want to skip the relapse there are so many things you can do to help yourself avoid turning back to the drugs. These are some healthy ways for dealing with stress and avoiding relapses:

• Know how the drugs adversely impacted your life and the lives of those around you
• Think about the things in your life that make you happy and why you may want to stay clean, such as your parents, your kids, your spouse, your dog – and of course, yourself
• Think about how hard it was to quit in the first place and how far you have come already
• Tell friends and family you’re struggling and reach out for help
• Attend regular meetings and speak with a counselor, or find someone to sponsor you so you know where to turn for help
• Remove any reminders of the addiction so you never look back again
• Consider sober living homes to stay clean or find help where you need it
• Know you are not alone in this

There are so many reasons for someone to stay clean and sober. Being able to take care of yourself is one reason, but when your addiction is bringing other people down, especially people close to you, then you need to find a way to walk away from the addiction. 

We all deserve to be free from the shackles of addiction, so please find the help wherever works for you and feel good about yourself when you do. Everyone can find the help they need to overcome addiction; you just have to be willing to shift and ready to take a step forward. 

Are you ready?

You may also enjoy Life After Addiction: How Mindfulness Improved My Way of Life by Cassidy Webb

The post Beyond Addiction: How Drug Abuse Affects Those Around You appeared first on BEST SELF.

Most people know that pets bring companionship, joy and laughter to our lives, but pets also offer great benefits to our physical and emotional wellbeing

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Pets are more than just friendly creatures; they transform our lives for the better. Looking at or playing with your pets makes you both happy and helps improve your health by keeping you fit. Pets can help us to feel better and relieve tension — especially when weare having a bad day. It is believed that pets can help us both mentally and physically, but does having pets really make us healthier?

Here are just a few benefits of having a pet

Have you ever wondered why doctors recommend therapy animals or even advice some patients to adopt a pet? It turns out that taking care of a pet has numerous benefits some of which are listed below:

1. Having Pets Lowers Blood Pressure

Through extensive research, it was found that people who spent time with animals — whether playing with their dogs, stroking their cats,or even staring at birds in cages—had lower blood pressure compared to those who did not. It was also found that having these furry friends lowered blood pressure in hypertensive patients better than prescribed medication. Children who were around these animals showed signs of lowered blood pressure,even if they did not interact with them.

2. Physical Fitness

Active animals such as dogs require constant walking. Taking them on regular hikes and walks encourages you to focus on your own physical fitness. These canine companions act as your daily motivators as well as your workout buddies. One of the reasons to have a pet is that your adolescent children will spend more time with the animals and end up doing more physical activities.

3. Healthy Heart

Pets not only lower blood pressure;they also help to keep your heart healthy. Studies show that one of the benefits of owning a pet is the reduced risk of developing cardiovascular diseases. Patients recovering from heart conditions heal faster and have better chances of making full recoveries if they have pets.

4. Cancer Detectors

Our pets identify us by our appearances and scents. Animals,such as dogs,have an excellent sense of smell and can detect any changes in our metabolism. Dogs can smell cancer even in the initial stagesbecausetheir sense of smell is so advance that they can also detect skin cancer by simply sniffing on the wound. Your canine companion will let you know this by constantly licking, sniffing or by resting their heads on the affected part.

5. How Pets Make Children Healthier

Parents think that having animals around kids will cause them to develop allergies; however, this is not the case. Children raised in pet-friendly homes develop immunitiesto most allergies because their bodies become less sensitive to allergens. Kids exposed to dogs from infancy also have lower chances of developing eczema. 

6. Helps to Manage Stress

Have you ever wondered why pet owners seem happy all the time? Rubbing your pets back, ears or belly is both comforting and appealing. Connecting with your animal friends triggers the release of Oxytocin which brings the feeling of happiness and fulfillment while reducing the levels of Cortisol which is responsible for stress. Some hospitals have arrangements for animals to visit patients, especially those who have to undergo serious surgeries or procedures. Many hospitals prefer aquariums because they distract patients, thereby reducing anxiety.

7. Recovery From Addiction

Pets provide companionship,but they also help addicts on their recovery journey. Pets are fantastic because they don’t judge and they are always ready to listen. Feeding and grooming your furry friends will make you responsible and occupied. No matter what you face during the day, your furry friend will be waiting for you eagerly to offer love, support, and zero criticism.Sometimes, therapists recommend therapy pets to aid in the recovery journey. Animals such as dogs, rabbits, cats, horses, and guinea pigs are especially helpful in recovery.

8. Managing Different Conditions

Individuals with specific conditions have pets to help them lead healthy lives. Seeing eye dogs help their visually-challenged owners to safely visit densely populated locations.Seizure dogs are trained to detect seizures before they occur in epileptic individuals. These dogs help the patients to assume safe positions to avoid injuries.

9. Positive Attitude

When you are having a bad day, the quickest way to improve your mood is by playing with your pets or rubbing their bellies. Spending a few minutes with your animal friends increases the bond and increases Dopamine and Serotonin thus improving your mood.When you feel depressed, look at your furry friend and your attitude will improve.

10. Improved Social Life

Most people find it easier to talk about their pets in social gatherings. People are also keen to listen to stories concerning animals. Dog owners also get to interact with other individuals taking their dogs for walks and get to exchange tips and offer suggestions. Veterinarian offices are also excellent places to make acquaintances with other pet owners. Having pets makes you look responsible and trustworthy which means that most people will comfortably approach you. Animals such as dogs are very intuitive and protective of their owners; this means that your canine companions can tell who the bad guys areto avoid.

You may also enjoy reading How An Emotional Support Animal Changed My Life by Emily Cline

The post Do Pets Really Make Us Healthier? 10 Health Benefits of Having Pets appeared first on BEST SELF.

A beautiful story of how lives have been changed by the loving rescue of a badly injured, but emotionally resilient dog named Sadie

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My job as a Transitional Organization Specialist has taught me more about acceptance of people than I could ever imagined.  Little did I know that it would also teach me about acceptance of dogs with special needs.

The day started out as any other day, or so I thought. This was the day that I was taking blankets from many of my clients to the dog shelter. Why I chose this day, I will never know. But this is the day that would change my life forever.

A Heart Opens

As I arrived at the shelter, I was asked to take a stash of blankets to the back building on the property. When I was walking out, a black and tan dog that was sitting with a volunteer caught my eye, so I asked the volunteer about the dog’s story. I don’t know why I stopped to ask a question because I had no interest in adopting another dog. I had dogs and cats at home and after all, I was just there to donate blankets.  

The volunteer told me that the dog, that they had named Sadie, had been transported from Kentucky where hikers had found her lying lifeless in the mountains. Sadie had been shot between the eyes and in the back and left for dead. If it were not for these strangers who found her and took her to a vet, this story would have a very different ending. I asked the volunteer if I could take Sadie to a vet in the area, because I am a fixer and I was determined to ‘fix’ Sadie by finding her a loving, happy home. After receiving permission, I loaded Sadie into my SUV and off we went.  

After waiting what seemed to be forever, the vet confirmed that there was a bullet between Sadie’s eyes, along with a bullet and shrapnel in her back. He suggested that I get a cart for Sadie. I couldn’t believe that so little could be done to help this poor, pitiful creature who had been treated like a throw-away animal.  

With tears pouring down my face, I decided to get another opinion because I usually don’t take no for an answer. The second vet that we called told us to come right in, so I loaded Sadie into my SUV and off we went. As I was driving, I kept watching Sadie in my rearview mirror. The strange thing was that even though Sadie was badly injured, she wouldn’t lie down; she seemed to be too absorbed in watching all of the cars passing us and the trees that were whizzing by. Her eyes were bright and alive. I couldn’t understand how someone could have such a strong dislike for this beautiful dog that they tried to kill her.  

In reality, Sadie was a mess. She was matted and dirty with her head hanging down, but I could see her beauty underneath it all.

I could see a vibrant, beautiful dog that had been horribly abused, crushed and maimed in the prime of life. For what purpose? Why leave a dog in this condition alone to die in the woods? Only monsters would do something so cruel.  

I decided to see what I could really do to help her. So I brought Sadie in to the second vet and to my surprise, two vets met us and they both examined Sadie. The news could not have been any worse:   Sadie was fecally and urinarily incontinent and she couldn’t walk. They suggested that I do the kind thing and put her down. They even offered to take care of it right then.  

My emotional state took the biggest dive bomb of my life and tears started pouring down my face. How could I disappoint this dog who trusted me to take her for help? How could I disappoint myself knowing that I let this dog down?

The vets left the room and said that they would give me some time to think about my decision. I thought and thought… and thought some more. When they returned, I heard myself telling them that I would take Sadie home for the night and if I changed my mind, I would call them. I thanked them as they graciously left the room and then once again, I loaded Sadie into my SUV and off we went. We were headed for home – but this time with a different mission.

A Healing Journey Begins

When we arrived, I put Sadie into my garage for the night because she was such a mess. I cleaned her up only to clean her up often during the night because of Sadie being incontinent. The next day I took Sadie to a holistic vet who said that we should give Sadie a chance. That is where Sadie’s story really begins.  

Sadie started on rehabilitation in earnest with acupuncture, aquapuncture, essential oils, laser therapy, and swimming. There was nothing that was going to stop me from trying to do everything I could to help Sadie, a special needs dog who needed to go on walks. The problem was that while Sadie was becoming mobile, she still couldn’t walk on her own. So I bought a wagon to take her to parks and events. 

It was on one of those outings that I had a light bulb moment as I approached a boy in a wheelchair who was blind and was unable to move. I moved Sadie’s wagon closer to the boy. The mother put the boy’s hand on Sadie to pet her and at that moment, sounds came out of the boy!

I realized that if Sadie could touch one person, that she could touch many people! 

After that, I started to get together presentations for schools, libraries, and retirement communities to teach acceptance of those with special needs. Because Sadie had been bullied in the worst way, we also combined Sadie’s anti-bullying message with our presentations. What a success these presentations were! Sadie was so excited to meet new people; her tail was constantly wagging with happiness! 

I knew that Sadie was so special and had the ability to change lives. I also knew that if there were books about Sadie and her story she could reach more people and help more people. That was how the children’s book, Sadie and the Superstars, was created to help children with different aspects of their lives. The back cover reads in part: “Life can be difficult when you are looked at as different and not accepted. Meet Sadie, the real dog that no one wanted…

“She teaches us to THINK about what we CAN do and not what we CAN’T do, just like she does.”

A while later, Saving Sadie: How a Dog That No One Wanted Inspired The World, was published by Kensington of New York. After only 11 months, we were already into our 4^thprinting of this teaching and acceptance book about what a small act of kindness can do.  

A Life of Service… and Lessons

While it was never on my bucket list to rehab a dog, Sadie has changed my life forever. Through Sadie, I learned to look at the cars passing me and the trees whizzing by as I drove. Sadie also taught me that it is truly the little things in life that should be treasured.

Who could ever have imagined that a dog could teach a human new tricks?  

As Sadie’s journey started to snowball, my thinking cap was always on. We founded her non-profit to reach out to others who needed our help. Sadie’s mission continues to grow; she is now known in 60 countries and across the United States. Sadie’s many contributions to help others have resulted in her logo being placed on the back of a police car and ice cream being named after her. She has also received her ‘Dogtorate’ at University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee, she’s been a bell ringer for the Salvation Army, and ‘runs’ many 5K races for charity. While Sadie’s back legs are still not strong enough to support her, she is transported either in her Sadie wagon or her Sadie mobile.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way!

Although there have been disappointments along the way, they have been my disappointments and not Sadie’s. I was hoping to get Sadie to run again, but in reality, that will most likely not be the case. To replicate the feeling of running fast, Sadie rides on speed boats, sleds by herself, and even rides on motorcycles. She is definitely not missing out on much in life.  

She has taught me and others so many great lessons: 

Look around you, absorb it all! Forget about your limitations! Go ahead and truly live your best life! How many of you are actually doing that?  

I truly believe that Sadie gives little thought to her special needs. I know that I hardly see them anymore.  Even though Sadie doesn’t walk like a normal dog, she can do high-tens over her head, she can howl, and is a great watch dog.

Sadie makes connections to others on a daily basis, loving every moment of every day. So many children can relate to a dog better than a human, so it’s not surprising that children can see through our presentations that Sadie is a living, breathing creature so worthy of kindness and love. This connection is contagious! 

If anyone would have told me that taking a badly injured dog out of a shelter would have fundamentally changed my life, I would have called it a work of fiction. But Sadie and I are living the dream each and every day and we cannot wait to see what our next adventure will be. 

Learn more about Sadie’s story at savingsadie.com

You may also enjoy reading Embracing Your Beastie: Connecting To The Wisdom of Your Spirit Animal by Sarah Bamford Seidelmann

The post Saving Sadie: Loving A Dog With Special Needs…and Paying It Forward appeared first on BEST SELF.

Tired and burned out from work, a trip to Yosemite allowed one intrepid traveler time to relax, to reconnect to his self, and to heal his body and soul.

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Spending time in nature can have a profound effect on you. The fact that being outdoors is beneficial to your health has been proven on countless occasions. However, people rarely make the effort to go into the country and breathe in some fresh air. 

Modern life is hectic and often stressful, so we’re left with very little time for ourselves. But…

There comes a moment when you simply can’t take it anymore and need to turn things around. 

I experienced that on my last trip to the United States when I made a move that thoroughly changed how I look at life: I took a trip to an absolutely magical place. It was just what I needed.

Stress Was Behind It All

Before we get into greater detail, allow me to paint a picture for you first. I had been working for about three years without a vacation, with business trips taking me pretty much all over the world. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore traveling, but business trips take their toll on you. 

Stress had been piling up for quite some time, so finally when my business took me to California, I decided I needed a break after my meetings. I cancelled all my appointments for the next week without really knowing what I was going to do during that time.

All I knew was that I needed to stop for a moment and catch my breath. 

I’d had enough of the cities, and the Pacific coast seemed too crowded. But after a bit of Googling I found the perfect destination: Yosemite!

Getting to Know the Valley

It took me only a couple of pictures to realize that a trip here is exactly what I needed. Untouched and magnificent nature combined with not too many people seemed like a guarantee of peace and quiet, so I booked a lodge right in front of the national park, rented a car, and left San Francisco ready to start the adventure I so desperately needed. 

As I was approaching the lodge, I could feel a strange mixture of excitement and serenity washing over me.

I checked in, threw my bag into my room, locked the door, then went outside to take in a deep breath of the pristine air that was permeating the area. It was getting late, and I was tired from my long trip, but just the look of the hills in front of me was worth it. Tomorrow was going to be a very special day, indeed.

After breakfast, my hosts pointed me towards Tunnel View, a place from which an incredible view of Yosemite Valley opens up in front of you. Indeed, the place is quite magnificent, but there were quite a few people there, so after a short while I moved on towards Yosemite Village, a quaint little place with a bunch of museums and a visitor center. After taking a look at the exhibits, I sat down for lunch in the local restaurant, worried that this could turn out not to be what I had expected. The whole place was a bit too touristy and I couldn’t find any peace and quiet. Fortunately, I overheard two guys in the restaurant talking about the Four Mile Trail. A quick Google search convinced me that this trail needed to be my next destination.

Four Miles of Serenity

As soon as I set foot on the Four Mile Trail, I knew I had found the perfect place for me. There was nobody else on the trail; I felt I had the smell of the forest and the heat of the sun all for myself. It was pure bliss!

As I climbed, a spectacular view of the valley opened up in front of me and I realized I was now on the opposite side of Tunnel View. But the sight felt different this time, somehow more magnificent. The forest below seemed to be stretching on forever and the mountains framing the view were awe-inspiring witnesses of the power of nature. By that point I’d completely forgotten about all the stress and problems.

There was only that moment and that incredible scenery.

It took me about two hours to finish the trail, but it was more than worth it. I encountered some people going down the trail back to the village, but it never got crowded and there was an abundance of serenity all around me every step of the way. 

The trek ended at Glacier Point, another location with an incredible view. There were more people here because a shuttle operates regularly between this point and the rest of the national park, so after a while I rode it back to the village, hopped in my car, and went back to the lodge. I was tired, but it was that good kind of fatigue. I slept like a baby that night — the best sleep I’d had in months.

A Morning in the Sun

The following morning, after another hearty breakfast, I set off to find some more hiking trails. With some instructions from my hosts, I found one of the least frequented paths in the park and set off. After a while, I came across a small rocky hill. I climbed it, sat down, took out my thermos bottle, and poured myself some coffee. Again, with the forest all around me, the birds chirping and the sun shining, I felt like I was in another world. 

As I spent hours just gazing at the horizon, for the first time in years, I had the chance to seriously think about my life goals. The stress was almost completely gone at this point and my head was perfectly clear. I thought long and hard about my family back home, my work, and the way I approached it all. 

My conclusion was that there is so much more to life than work. 

The place I was at was a vivid example of that, so I decided that taking this kind of trip more often was definitely going to become a priority. It simply felt like the right thing to do for both my mind and my body.

The rest of the day was nothing but pure enjoyment. After another lunch at the village, I roamed around a bit and then went back to the lodge to enjoy the pool. And I can’t really explain it, but everything somehow felt better, brighter from then on, as if all my senses suddenly opened and were able to completely take in the world around me. I was able to appreciate the wonders in this national park even more from that day forward.

As the days moved on, I kept exploring Yosemite. The beauty of the place is really hard to describe in words; you simply have to see and experience it all yourself. The majestic mountains humble you, making you feel small, and the waterfalls they hide are breathtaking. Simply put, nature doesn’t get any more magnificent than this. 

Combine that physical majesty with the people that work here, who are always extremely friendly and helpful, and you get pretty much the best vacation you can imagine. When my visit was nearing its end, I felt that both my mind and my body had been rejuvenated. It was all I could ever hope for from an adventure like this. I was ready to take on the world again.

A Change for the Better

It has been about three years since my trip to Yosemite, and I’ve made it a rule to make a trip like that every three or four months. That way I get to enjoy all the seasons. Sometimes I take my family along, sometimes I take my friends, and they all love it every single time. I firmly believe time spent in nature is something every person needs… 

…to simply chill out, become closer with nature, and just marvel at it from time to time.

For me, a trip to Yosemite turned out to be a great decision in every possible sense. However, if California is too far away from you, there are areas and parks of natural splendor all over this country — and indeed, the world. I’ve discovered many fantastic places and incredible national parks in Europe (honestly, put some effort into it and try to visit the closest one when you travel; you won’t be sorry). 

If you’re working hard and are at the end of your rope, give it a shot. For your sake and the sake of those around you — nobody wants to see you snap. Nature is the perfect remedy for modern life — for your body, mind and soul. 

They don’t say “stop and smell the roses” for nothing!

You may also enjoy reading Togetherness Redefined: A Family’s Story of Life on The Road by Celeste Orr

The post Nature’s Healing: A Trip to Yosemite Restores a Stressed-Out Soul appeared first on BEST SELF.

While feelings of competition with other women have roots which begin early in life, overcoming this mindset can free us to fully flourish.  

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Do you recall how old you were when you were in your first competition? I have a hard time recalling it for myself. However, I watched my little niece when she turned 3 years old, standing in the bathroom with me and her mom in front of the mirror, she looked at her mom and said: “My mom is really beautiful, but I am even more beautiful.” 

For me, it was really interesting to see that. I realized that women, even from an early age, tend to compete in order to define themselves and to create an identity. Competition is used to ultimately discover self-worth, as an attempt to find out who or what they truly are. That made me wonder…

What lies beyond competition and us constantly seeking approval, acknowledgement, and validation from the outside?

What if we find our true value within, rather than trying to determine it based on outside sources? What if there is a sense of you, which is much more a space of your being, that lies beyond all these definitions and created identities — that well-known yet mostly undiscovered thing… called Being You. And what is required to get more in touch with being you?

Acknowledgment is the key to start being more you.

Start acknowledging who or what you truly are, and you will invite more of what you are into existence. 

The funny thing about acknowledgment is, once you start acknowledging things about you, others will start acknowledging you too. Please be aware that acknowledgment is not an affirmation. True acknowledgment is something you feel, not something you need constantly tell yourself. 

Acknowledging what you are being, invites even more being of whatever you acknowledge, into existence.

Start an Acknowledgment Journal.

An easy way to get into more acknowledgment of yourself is to put a journal next to your bed and every night write down three things that you acknowledge about yourself or that you have been or did that day.

Acknowledge what you may be lacking.

If you catch yourself trying to get the acknowledgment, approval or validation of somebody, start asking, “What am I not acknowledging about me, that if I would start acknowledging it, would allow others to see it, too?” Then follow your awareness and start acknowledging whatever it is.

Becoming more charismatic & elegant is a side effect of you being you.

Women who are in connection with that knowing of who or what they truly are, tend to be more charismatic and radiant. They exude a certain elegance and a sense of needlessness. And yes, it is a knowing of who or what you truly are that frees you from the constant search on the outside. Once you have discovered the truth of who or what you truly are, your inner void is filled, and you can start functioning from the elegance of needlessness instead of being in constant need of validation, approval, and acknowledgment from others. How do you get into that state of knowing of who truly are?

True Being is not defined and comes from a knowing.

Take some alone time as often as you can in a place where you are undisturbed. Or take a walk and spend some time in nature, connect with the earth, and then start asking questions like:

If I were truly being me here, who or what would I do?

If I had no role to play and no identity to maintain, who would I be?

If I were truly being me today, what would I choose?

Then put your attention in your heart and start listening to the whispers of your awareness. True being is undefined. It is also not a mind thing. So, you have to get out of your head in order to discover it. 

What is possible beyond competition?

Being who or what you truly are resolves the need for competition. You can’t be you and compete with others at the same time. Being you is the antidote of competition. You can only compete when you function from an identity. Being you is the space beyond identity.

The more you begin to be all that you are, the more you start functioning from the inclusion of others, from a place that invites everyone in and creates more for everybody involved. This is when you start shifting your personal connections from relationships, which are about maintaining identities and boundaries, into ‘Creationships’ — which is an invitation for creating much more, and a greater future for everyone involved.

So, who are you?

You may also enjoy reading The Importance of Intention to Create Freedom and Aliveness by Carter Miles

The post Beyond Competition: What is Actually Possible for Women appeared first on BEST SELF.

Handwriting may appear to be an archaic form of communication in our digital world, but it holds many benefits for the mind and the heart.

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Is handwriting a lost art?

There have been claims that handwriting is losing its relevance. Of course, this has been immensely contributed to by technological advancement. Most people communicate via texts and emails, leaving little opportunity for the handwritten word. Yet, this should not diminish the importance of handwriting.

Schools overall are de-emphasizing handwriting and some schools have abandoned altogether any practice of cursive writing. However, there is an undercurrent of change, a few schools and teachers that maintain need for good handwriting among pupils. Despite the introduction of voice to text, touchscreens, and keyboards, handwriting is still vital.

There are many reasons why handwriting is still important.

Mental Connectivity and Information Retention 

France has remained committed to emphasizing the teaching of cursive writing in schools. Its Ministry of Education appreciates the benefits of handwriting and does not wish students to miss out on them.

Handwriting has the ability to enhance retention of information and mental connectivity.

Researchers have found vital connections between information retention, cognitive development, and handwriting. This discovery has formed a basis on which Vivianne Bouysse, the French national school inspector, advocates for cursive writing.

Why? Cursive writing allows you to be deliberate in the way individual characters link and enhances your spelling capability. Note-taking by hand allows you to differentiate between what is being said and the information worth noting down. As a result, handwriting is an important tool for information retention, development, and learning. Cursive writing allows perhaps even forces, one to be more selective. This is something I experienced when I was a student back in high school. I experienced what is called ‘positive selective processing’ that enabled me, through handwriting, to not only understand but also remember what my teacher was saying.

Enhanced Creativity

Handwriting has a tendency of increasing one’s creativity. This is something that many novelists agree with. A study by the University of Washington found out that students wrote faster, in complete sentences and longer, writing by hand versus typing.

Writing by hand is engaging and allows you to better compose thoughts, hence activating the creative part of your brain.

You will be able to choose every thought carefully. The brain becomes more thoughtful and thorough since it is increasingly engaged during cursive writing.

Handwriting also allows you to better summon your subconscious powers to produce creative work. Professionals even recommend first drafting important communications in handwritten form before typing it.

Greater Personal Connection

Handwritten notes are more personal forms of expression. The entire act of creating a handwritten letter or note is a more intimate and creative, and is likely to be received with greater warmth and gravity.

Handwritten notes offer a depth of thoughtfulness and develop a long-lasting memory which typed correspondence can’t touch.

That is why people value handwritten birthday cards, notes, and letters. They are great reflections of your regard for your friendships and relationships.

Handwriting is still relevant, with numerous benefits for the mind and the heart. The next time you have notes to take or an important communication to share, whether to a business colleague or a personal friend or loved one — or perhaps even to yourself through journaling — try putting pen to paper.

Want to learn a little more? Visit the Cornerstone University blog.

Want to read more by Anna Kučírková? The Critical Importance of Self-Control and How to Grow In It

You may also enjoy reading Self Reflection: Journaling as a Means to Greater Understanding and Growth by Fateme Banishoeib.

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Impossible as it can seem amidst the turbulence of life, creating quality family time can be hugely rewarding if done with proper intention and consideration.

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It has become a staple of western life that we find ourselves overcome with too many things to do and too little time to do it in. It might be that you have a demanding job or are struggling to make ends meet. One of the biggest issues people face is the balancing act that is family time.

There are myriad issues that you might struggle with, starting with difficulties within your family itself. An aging population with advancing medical needs can mean you need to care for elderly relatives or those with issues that need constant care. You might have concerns that relate to the make-up of your family: for example, you might be a sole parent or have a family made up of people not biologically related. Add to these issues the need to keep your professional endeavors on track, and it can all seem a bit overwhelming.

Creating and maintaining strong family bonds is key to keeping your head above the water.

You’ll find that once you invest in strengthening the relationships within your family, you will not only boost the confidence of your kids and partner, but you’ll have the energy and support to lead a mentally healthy and balanced life.

Here are my suggestions for strengthening your family bonds:

Plan Your Family Time

Finding time to engage with your family is not something that can just happen by itself: it needs careful and collaborative planning. You might be tempted to plan these activities by yourself, but it is the start of a process, which must start as you mean to go on. 

“Planning family time should involve everyone. All too often someone can decide on an activity which will leave others annoyed and frustrated, giving rise to further conflict and resentment. Make it part of something routine, like driving the kids to school, or discussing over family meals” says James Dane, a psychology blogger at Academized and Paper Fellows.

Quality Time

Do something you can all enjoy, preferably away from computers or electronic devices. Go on an adventure, walking, cycling or just going for a drive to see new things together. Adventure is a fantastic way to bond and can bring a family together like nothing else. 

Some kids may groan at the idea of going to a museum, but family attractions are finding ever more ways to engage kids in a fun way. It’s good to go out to the movies, but be aware of everyone’s tastes in film, as this too can give rise to conflict.

Working Together

Many families can fall out over chores, but with perseverance it can become routine and even fun. Chores are an excellent way to build harmony if you’re all pulling together. It need not be the arduous, unpleasant tasks either.

You could spend time with your family — young or old — making meals or trying out new recipes. You’ve got the opportunity to work collaboratively, solving problems, and celebrating once you’ve made something delicious to be enjoyed by everyone.

Routine

Once you’ve had positive experiences with the household duties, you’ll find it can naturally fall into part of a routine. You’ll find yourself presented daily with the opportunity to set good examples and create confidence in your family members.

Routine also creates an atmosphere of structure by setting clear expectations without relying on being pushy or overly authoritative. There’s an understanding of respect between all involved, that you are working together towards a common solution without ego getting in the way. Whether you’re religious or not, routine is not unlike ritual. The more positive experiences you have with your routines, the better the mental health of your family.

Effective Communication

Celebrating achievements can be vital to a person’s mental well-being, especially for child development. Communicating your pride in your family is very important, but what about when things may not be altogether perfect? Bad situations can arise, and no family is without flaw, so it’s important to develop effective communication when problems occur.

It’s all too easy to sense that something is not right, turn away and hope that it will resolve itself. But this attitude could not only exacerbate the problem but also cause trust issues and damage confidence further down the line.

It’s always good to check in. Just asking ‘Hey, what’s up?’ can show that you are present and ready to make time for your family.

Being ready to listen is always a healthy first step to resolving problems your kids or partner might be facing.

“Listening effectively, without judgement, sets a great example to others, and will be reciprocated once it becomes an established skill. In listening effectively, with diligence and looking to encourage someone to open up, we are acknowledging one another’s feelings, even if we don’t completely agree with everything they are saying,” explains Michael Kent, a lifestyle writer and editor at Australian help and Stateofwriting.

By doing this, you are actually investing in building a strong support network when things are difficult. Once you’ve set the tone for effective communication, you can feel comfortable asking for support yourself. 

Be Love

As corny as it may seem, none of the above can be put into action without love. In some families, it can be uncomfortable and even distressing to put yourself in a position of vulnerability, especially if it is a family that has had its own difficulties. However, it is important that people understand that your intentions come from the right place. In some cases, it is difficult to get over this hurdle, but by expressing gratitude and praise, listening and encouraging honesty, you are communicating that you are open to love and open to your family. 

Take opportunities to be affectionate, even if it’s as simple as a pat on the back or a hi-five. Initiate affection or ask for it yourself — especially if you’ve had a long and stressful day at work or other responsibilities. 

Put all this together and you will have built a strong foundation not only for your children to grow from, but also a loving, safe, and secure space where you yourself can grow and learn.

You may also enjoy reading I Can’t Believe You Didn’t Leave Me: How a Working Mom Learned to Show Up by Colleen Hauk

The post Family Time: 6 Tips for Creating & Maintaining Strong Family Bonds appeared first on BEST SELF.

Supporting someone going through a painful experience is always difficult, but there are things you can say (and not say) that might actually help.

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I’ve recently returned home from spending time with my very dear friend who lost her husband of many years when he died suddenly, just a week after a diagnosis of lung cancer. Because I was struggling to know how to be there for her, I realized many others would also be at a loss when they were trying to support a loved one through a crisis time. I decided to share what I discovered and offer some simple, but not easy, guidelines.

My friend shared with me that often others’ attempts to be consoling had quite the opposite effect.

What she really wanted was just to have her feelings acknowledged. She didn’t want to be told what to think, feel, or do.

She was slowly beginning her own painful process of grieving, for the loss of her beloved husband as well as for the life she knew.

Sometimes it takes a personal crisis to examine what we truly believe about life. She had moved beyond the “Why me?” question and was now facing the challenge of finding the spirit to create a new life for herself. My friend was realizing that what others call the recovery process for her was not a recovery in the sense that you get over it; rather it was a sense of living with new realities — more of a letting be than a letting go.

In How to Survive the Loss of a Love, the authors have this to say about pain: 

Don’t postpone, deny, cover or run from your pain. Be with it… The only way out is through.

Parker Palmer in his book, The Active Life: Wisdom for Work, Creativity, and Caring, talks about how most of his friends tried to rescue him to no avail with well-intended advice when he was experiencing deep depression. One friend, however, took a different tack. Every afternoon around four o’clock he came, sat him in a chair, removed his shoes, and massaged his feet, hardly saying a word. But his presence provided a lifeline, a link to humanity. 

When we want to support others in their emotional pain we think we should do something — but it’s enough to just be there in whatever way we can — and they want.

In my experience, it’s the mere being there that our loved ones want. 

It’s hard to know what to say to someone who is wrestling with tragedy and heartbreak. It’s easier to know what not to say.  Anything that tries to minimize the person’s pain will be unwelcomed (e.g., “It could be a lot worse.”) as will asking the person to disguise or reject his or her feelings (e.g., “Don’t take it so hard.”). 

Here are some dos and don’ts to guide you in being a mindful friend when someone needs you:

DO:

• Be there
• Stay quiet
• Just listen
• Acknowledge their feelings
• Honor their needs
• Accept their truth

DON’T:

• Stay away or not be in contact
• Fill the silence with words
• Offer advice
• Down-play the intensity of their feelings
• Tell them what you think they need     
• Impose what would be true for you

You may also enjoy reading Tenderly Holding the Bitter & Sweet: Finding Gratitude Within Life’s Beauty and Pain by Indira Abby Heijnen

The post Emotional Pain and Grieving: How to Mindfully Support Others appeared first on BEST SELF.

For refugees and others living in war-torn countries, education is both the hope and the potential for a brighter, safer tomorrow.

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Over our morning coffee and newspaper, we read about how millions of children around the world — and even in our own backyards — suffer from poverty, lack of basic human needs, abuse and many other hardships and circumstances. We feel sad, terribly sad, change the subject, sip on the coffee again and move on. But for those who lived those feelings, experienced them in every minute of their lives, it becomes harder to change the subject. 

Have you ever thought of choosing a survival method when you were a child to help you get through the feeling of poverty and war?

Have you wondered how many others may have found the same method to survive the unusual environments that forced them to lose the sense of a happy and healthy childhood? 

Well, I did. 

When you grow up with parents and family who are always busy thinking of how to provide their children with food to eat, clothes to wear, and most importantly, a bright future, you will have to find a significant survival method to create your own enchanted world. For me, during the protracted siege and war in Iraq which was present throughout my childhood, I decided to make education my safe haven. 

I was born in the 80s, a time considered very difficult for Iraqis due to the extended war between Iraq and Iran that lasted for 8 hideous years (1980-1988). Correspondingly, before I could remember much, another war in Iraq was knocking on the doors (The Gulf War 1990-1991). Both wars weakened the country on so many levels, particularly affecting the Iraqi education system.

Education in Iraq during the 90’s was an arduous choice for parents dealing with the lack of food, uniforms, transportation, health care, and most importantly school supplies.

I remember how my two siblings and I shared one pencil to do our homework daily. We had to make sure that we didn’t sharpen it often, so we wouldn’t run out of lead too quickly knowing that my parents couldn’t afford to buy us another new pencil. But that little pencil or lack of materials didn’t stop us from going to school. We walked to school for 40 minutes daily, despite the cold or hot weather, only to arrive at almost an empty classroom which lacked the basic teaching materials, tools and supplies.

For most Iraqis, education took a back seat while millions of children were dying due to poverty and the absence of nutrition. 

I remember during my elementary school years when my parents were able to provide us with some food to eat while my aunt managed to sew our uniforms and make school bags out of old clothes. We were lucky if she was able to find an old zipper to add to the top to keep our books from falling out. My mom would make our date syrup sandwiches for school, or in our luxury days, an egg sandwich. 

In my first-grade year at school during one of these luxury days, I was eating my egg sandwich during the break when my life had changed forever. That was the moment that I decided what my life mission would be when I grow up. 

I saw a twin girl and a boy looking through their old weary bookbag that they shared to see if there were any old crumbs of food in the front pocket to put in their hungry stomachs. I was watching them quietly from my broken school desk in the back corner while the freezing cold air was drying my little face through the broken classroom window. The girl was able to finally find little crumbs that she was able to pick in her one little finger to put in her brother’s mouth. She searched for more to put in her mouth, but to no avail. However, the happiness that was shining from their faces was priceless acting as if they had found a great treasure. 

It was that moment when I decided I would do my best when I grow up to help provide the best possible education for children who deserve nothing but a bright future and quality education.

Fast forward. My family and I were very fortunate to survive this era of the lingered conflict and poverty and to make it through high school alive. But when the abhorrent war erupted in Iraq in 2006, we were an easy and direct target for the radical Islamic group due to the sectarian war. What made it worse for us was that each of my parents followed a different sect of Islam: Sunni, and Shia. 

Due to the conflict, we were forced to leave the country and make our way to Syria. In Syria, I had to study the last two years of high school. It was challenging for me since the curriculum was very different than the one in Iraq. I gave up on my studies many times because I wanted to graduate from Iraq. But with the help of amazing Syrian teachers who were a great support for me, I was able to pass the 12th grade with good grades. By the time I graduated high school in Syria, we were granted refugee status to the USA in 2008. 

The moment our plane landed in the USA, I knew that one day I would achieve the dream of quality education.

I worked extra hard to make this possible, although it took me almost nine long hard years to earn my bachelor’s degree.

I felt embarrassed during this long period of study which should have taken only four years or less if I had been in Iraq and didn’t have to leave because of the war. 

I have talked to my high school friend, Hajir, who relates to my story. She, too, left Iraq in the same period that I left and headed with her family to Yemen where she finished her high school and attended pharmacy school. Hajir was one year away from graduating pharmacy school when the war erupted in Yemen. By that time, she had joined her husband in the USA and started her education journey all over again. It took her a total of 8 years to complete her bachelor’s degree. When Hajir graduated this past December, I cried watching her walk the stage. Later, I told her with deep sorrow:

“Hajir, we are the lost generation. Even though we can finally graduate, we have lost so much of our lives just trying to adapt to new things that were forced upon us.”

With beautiful eyes full of tears Hajir responded, “I know we will never give up on our education. We have made it this far, and it is time to continue no matter what others are going to say.”  

12 years after my long educational journey, I travelled to Iraq-Mosul, a city that was occupied by ISIS (2014-2017). The reality was harder than I could imagine. Amidst the chaos in the city and destruction that was caused by ISIS members and the liberation that ensued, education had suffered in the city on many different levels. 

After ISIS seized control of the city, they imposed their own radical education in schools. This left parents in a hard position having to choose between sending their children to school to learn ISIS’ curriculum, or keeping their children home to face the risk of execution if ISIS found out that parents refrained from sending their children to school. As a result, hundreds of thousands of children have lost the opportunity of education. Also, children who were sent to study under ISIS’ rule in the city were not accepted by the Iraqi government after the liberation. 

When I met with Abu Ahmed in Mosul in 2018, he shared this story with me: “After reading the radical curriculums and looking over first and second grades books, where they ask students to find the sum of 4 bullets and 2 guns, there was no way for my wife and I to agree on sending our children to school.” 

During this visit, I met with school-age children who told me that they didn’t attend school for three long years under ISIS rule. Their hope was that liberation would be the salvation which would allow them to attend school. But this dream was soon ruined when the schools were destroyed by ‘liberation missiles’. As a result, those beautiful children have never attended school even though they should be in fourth and fifth grade. 

I sat there on top of the rubble and felt like I wanted to give up on everything at that moment. How can those hundreds of destroyed schools be rebuilt? I was sure that those children were living a miserable and sad life. But with eyes full of hope, a girl who had never attended school told me…

“We want the government to build our schools. We want to attend school.”

It was a moment that woke me up. My feelings froze. I couldn’t cry or laugh. I just drew a smile on my face that followed the girl’s smile. 

I realized that this little girl taught me how to find hope in the darkest place on earth. It broke my heart because I had hoped that my generation was the last lost generation, but the prolonged war and conflict in Iraq had only created more lost generations. But for those children, what motivities them and keeps them alive is hope. They fall asleep on hope only to wake up on another one. In reality, this hope might be unreal, but deep inside their little hearts, this hope is big, bright and shining vividly.

This realization helped me to see that I have lived as part of the lucky generation. It is unfair to keep calling myself or my generation the lost one. Yes, we have eaten only date syrup sandwiches, but those children have nothing to eat. I had shared one little pencil with my siblings, but for the children of Mosul, those pencils were replaced with guns and knives to teach them how to slaughter. Yes, I have walked to school 40 minutes in the morning, but those children have no school to walk to.  

For us, it is not optional to choose our parents, where to be born, or our names. To be born and raised in a war zone is not an option that we choose. Living in a war zone has forced people to live in a disastrous situation without their basic rights, including education. Imagine how many big dreams those little children had which have been crushed and buried under the rubble of this ugly war. 

Thankfully, my parents made the choice for us when we were younger to leave a war zone country in search for a better life, one filled with opportunities to build us a brighter future. They refused to let our dreams be crushed and buried under the rubble of battles and violence. 

When my mom sent us to school during war time knowing that she was risking our lives, she used to tell us:

“If we stop education, it is better for us to die.”  

It is important that we continue to fight against all the odds to pursue our dreams. With proper education, I believe we can build a better society and future for others. Therefore, giving up my education now is not an option since it is part of a productive process to help others who have suffered war’s brutality. Never doubt that education can be a weapon far more effective than guns and mortar shells. 

You may also enjoy reading Life as a Refugee: the Struggle to Create a Better Life, by Noor Ghazi

The post The Lost Generation: How Education Became My Safe Haven appeared first on BEST SELF.

A conversation with Christina Rasmussen about accessing non-local consciousness where we can reconnect with out “lost” loved ones and gain higher insight.

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Several years ago, my paternal grandmother passed. It was a difficult time for me and my aunt, with whom I was very close, who had just lost her mother. We were both in grief, so we spoke on the phone several times a week in an effort to console each other. During one of the conversations, I said to my aunt, “I just wish I knew they were okay.” By “they,” I was referring to both of my grandmothers. It had been 20 years since the passing of my maternal grandmother and I still missed her dearly. 

Later that night, following my sincere request to know if my deceased grandmothers were okay, I had a dream that wasn’t really a dream. In the dream, my maternal grandmother appeared with a cold, white haze around the side of her face. In my glimpse, she looked exactly as I remembered her, down to every wrinkle on her face. In her presence, I felt a loving recognition and instant knowing. If I opened my eyes to see her I felt I could communicate with her; if I kept my eyes closed, I felt she would disappear. Either way the choice was unconditionally mine. 

There was no reason to feel afraid of my grandmother — but I was. I chose to keep my eyes closed and within a split second, her face and the lingering cool air vanished. That was 15 years ago, but I remember it as if it were yesterday.

Imagine this: life is both physical and non-physical. 

Those who die, die only for a moment in this reality. In the reality of their consciousness, which persists beyond time, they move to another reality, another world. The other realities, other worlds, are connected to ours. There’s a presence inside us that makes us aware of these other worlds. This presence exists in all realities, all dimensions, along with the people you’ve loved and lost. To experience these other realities, you just have to learn to see with your eyes closed. 

It is understandable that for some it may be difficult to conceptualize a multi-dimensional world. 

To most of us, the idea of a multi-dimensional universe and our innate ability to access these higher levels remain in the realm of science fiction. However, the more we examine the intensity of our beliefs by viewing points and societal conditioning, the more flexible our conscious mind is to examine the finality of life ending ‘here’ in death.

In understanding and being open to the concept of our consciousness being a match to the multi-dimensionality of the universe, you can move beyond the boundaries of self.

Here in this new territory of learning to ‘see with your eyes closed,’ experiencing higher levels of consciousness can become a real experience and not just a concept. 

In this in-depth interview with grief educator Christina Rasmussen, author of Where Did You Go? A Life-Changing Journey to Connect with Those We’ve Lost, Rasmussen reveals that we all have the ability to reconnect with our lost loved oneswhile accessing a timeless consciousness that can profoundly change our lives here and now.

BJB: What was the trajectory of your life prior to the death of your husband? 

CR: I was a stay-at-home mom with a master’s degree in counseling psychology from Durham University. My thesis was on the stages of bereavement. I wanted to be a grief counselor. When my husband was diagnosed in 2003, he was 31 years-old and we had a nine-month-old and a two and half-year-old. He was given 6 months to live. Everything changed that day: my innocence, my dreams. I wished it was me instead of him. He died three and half years after the diagnosis and that’s when my exploration into life after death began. 

BJB: What was your view of death prior to the loss of your husband? 

CR: I was afraid of death. I looked at it as something scary and dark. In fact, I was so afraid that I slept with the lights and TV on with my babies beside me for months after he passed. 

I grew in up in the Greek Orthodox Church and I do believe in God and the religious sense of life.

But when my husband passed, everything I was taught as child was nowhere near enough for me to process what had happened to him. 

I had to get myself to the place where I could re-enter my life again, so I slowly started to delve into the world of consciousness after death, neuroscience, quantum physics, alternate realities, stars, black holes, and particle physics – anything that would help me understand a non-religious, non-mystical possibility of life after life. I wanted to remove the blinders and the fear of connecting with the consciousness of the person I lost. 

BJB: In Where Did You Go? you write, “We’re preconditioned to believe that death is real and that nothing exists beyond what we can perceive with our five senses.” However, Robert Lanza frames death in a different way; that the brain filters the person out of our experience because, “When we die, we don’t die. We die to the reality of others.” 

Can you talk about non-locality and how death takes the body out of time as we know it?

CR: When someone dies, they don’t die to their own awareness, they die to our reality, our holographic experience. The projection of their hologram into our reality has stopped, but they continue to exist in their deeper reality that is non-local. This non-local reality is also here where we are, but because we are in the 3^rd dimension, it includes a linear cause and effect experience of time. 

When we connect with our loved ones during a dream, or by going on what I call the Temple Journey into the Temple World, we are accessing a place that is outside of time.

Outside of time no one ever dies; we are always alive. That was one of the biggest realizations I made. 

BJB: What is the Temple World?

CR: The Temple World is my translation of quantum mechanics and the laws of physics into a visual world, a place to which the brain can more easily travel. The brain otherwise rejects the reality of timeless consciousness and other dimensions because of its ‘invisibility,’ its lack of labels and visual constructs, that it can readily process. 

Our brain is our gatekeeper and reality filter. I had to work with it otherwise it would have been impossible to access these higher levels of consciousness. I used everything we know about how the brain feels fear and reward, how it understands experiences and reality, and used it to access the unseen.

BJB: You write, “When a loved one dies, a door opens between this world and the next. The Doorway is the first journey which encourages the brain to let go of its attachment to its reality, allowing you to move out of your day-to-day reality for the first time.” How is the journey into the Temple World different than visualization?

CR: This is very important distinction. It is the opposite of visualization and a way in which you can let go of this 3^rd dimensional reality. 

To do this, I had to understand how the brain operates and that its primary purpose is to keep you in this 3^rd dimensional reality. It doesn’t want you to go anywhere.The brain will convince you there is no opening to another consciousness, no door, and that there is nothing else here. The brain likes to label everything to understand. When it doesn’t understand something it will shut it out and push it away.

Here we are helping the brain “to see a door,” as the opening to a higher level of consciousness.

This is trying to find some kind of portal to open the gateway. The brain feels safe to take you all the way to the edge, as far as it can go and then your consciousness takes over. Death is an entering into a higher consciousness that we can access.

BJB: What have people experienced when going through the Temple Journeys?

CR: They experienced their beloveds waiting for them as soon as we walked inside the Temple World. For me this was the biggest surprise of all, the immediacy of that connection. It was as if the consciousness of our loved ones were waiting for us to step inside this higher level of communicating, connecting and creating. My students also experienced miracles, and moments of synchronicity, but most of all proof that we never die.

BJB: How does communicating with people we’ve lost affect our daily life in a helpful way? 

CR: It changes everything. It changes everything about love because love transcends time and space. Love continues for us and our loved ones.

A soul-level healing takes place that frees us from fear and confusion. It helps us to have a greater understanding of our existence in the world in a different way. 

When we connect with consciousness that is no longer part of the physical reality, we bring back the higher level of insight it carries. So, when we connect with the people we lost, we tap into that next-level awareness that can positively impact our lives to create a more meaningful and joyful experience in this reality. We still experience grief, but we look at death as a higher level of consciousness, not the end.

BJB: Having experienced so much on your spiritual journey, what unanswered questions do you have? 

CR: If anything is truly possible and free will is connected to that statement, then what am I not letting? If knowing that anything is possible, then that is the key to unblocking the blocks to believe more in miracles and potentials.

You may also enjoy reading Inside Out: Exploring The Out of Body Experience by Peter Occhiogrosso.

The post Where Did You Go? A Conversation on Connecting with the Dead appeared first on BEST SELF.

When you are willing to let go of the constructs you hold about what is ideal, you open yourself to the possibility of being present and engaged in life.

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An ideal is something that you have judged to be greater than what is. 

I never have an ideal scene that I’m looking for and I don’t look for something to be greater than what is. I function from pragmatic choice, which means I deal with what is — with facts and observable occurrences rather than constructs and ideals. It’s got to be practical. It’s got to be something I can use. 

I ask, “How is this going to work? What is this going to look like? What is this going to lead to?” I look at, “What is it?” because what it is, is what it is.

Each person has one to seven utopian concepts that are the source for the way they create their life. The concepts are different for each person. To recognize your utopian concepts, you have to look at the areas of your life where you seem to disappear. If you start down a trail and you seem to fade away, you’re on the way to a utopian ideal. You disappear out of the computation of your life as part of the payment for maintaining the illusion of what you’re going to get if you keep going down the path after the utopian concept.

You have to contract dynamically in order to have a fixed point of view of any construct. It is viscerally abrasive. You feel it in your body. When I am around people who are doing a lot of contraction, I feel like I am being shot with darts or hit upside the head with a two-by-four. It’s anything except space — and what we truly are is total space. 

Contraction didn’t create the construct, and the construct didn’t create the contraction. But to keep a construct in existence requires contraction.

As you start to break down the conceptual constructs, you begin to see what is; but as long as you are buying conceptual constructs, you cannot truly see what is. You only see what you have decided should be, what has to be or what ought to be. You only see what should happen that isn’t happening. 

You are always looking for a way to make a conceptual construct an ideal scene where you reach a state of nirvana, God or heaven. The conceptual construct is that everything will be as it is supposed to be as though there is a pre-ordained reality in which you’re supposed to be living. Uh-oh, there goes the utopian ideal of destiny.

Have you sold your awareness for the perpetration and perpetuation of the promise of a utopian ideal?

Some of the most common conceptual constructs of this reality are time, being right, the ideal scene, marriage, family, religion, self and higher self, and money. There’s also sex, relationship, power, bodies and embodiment, your group, your phylum, your kingdom, your species, and many others.

Time

Timeis a conceptual construct you use to slow yourself downenough to fit into this reality. The construct of time slows you down to the point that you can’t accomplish all the things you would like. If you were willing to lose the limitations of time, everything you did would happen with greater ease. If you lose time as a con-struct, if you lose time as something that’s valuable to you, if you lose the value of time, space begins to fold and mutate around you so that you accomplish things in minutes that take everybody else days to do.

A friend asked me to help her with her mother’s estate. Her mother had a two-bedroom condo stuffed with beautiful antiques. My friend and her husband had been at the mother’s condo for four weekends and they had barely scratched the surface of dealing with what was there. I arrived at nine o’clock one morning and we began to go through things. By 11:30, we had gone through everything. I said, “Okay, now you need to call somebody to come and look at this stuff and we can set up a garage sale or see if somebody will take these things on consignment. Why don’t we go to lunch?”

My friend could not believe that in two and a half hours I had gone through everything. She and her husband had not been able to get through one room in eight days. That’s my life. I can do things in two and a half hours that take other people ten days to accomplish.

That is what it can be like if you don’t try to create from the construct of time. When you’re willing to lose time as a construct of reality, when you don’t attempt to make time real, it doesn’t take time to accomplish things. 

I’m not interested in time – I’m interested in space. I always get to places on time without knowing what time it is. If you function from space, you have the capacity for knowing, which is very different from thinking. If you function from time, you have to function from thinking. But awareness comes from knowing, not from thinking, about your experience. 

You think experience equals awareness. It doesn’t. That’s the idea that it takes time to be aware. Awareness can be instant.

Happily, Ever After

Another common construct is the search for the ideal scene in your relationship. A lot of people do this. Have you ever done the thing of looking for the perfect man or woman for you? If someone actually sees you for five seconds, you decide he or she is perfect. You say, “This is the perfect person. My ideal scene has just shown up.” Then you discover it isn’t necessarily so. 

You couldn’t see what actually was because you were distracted by your concept of what was ideal.

You divorced yourself and your awareness the moment you went into conclusion and said, “He’s perfect. She’s perfect. He’s the ideal scene. She’s the ideal scene. He’s the one I’m looking for. She’s the one I’m looking for.”

I see people trying to create a construct around this all the time. They meet somebody, and as soon as they hug that person, they disappear into the illusion of the utopian ideal that this is going to turn out to be the relationship they have been looking for. They had a twenty-second hug — and a universe got constructed around it. In trying to construct the future created by the twenty-second hug, they cease to be present. Instead, they’re waiting for the moment in which their ideal scene is going to come to fruition.

When this happens, I look at somebody and say, “Wow! Wonderful! Okay, never mind.” That’s because I ask, “How will this be three months, six months and nine months down the road? How will this work out with everybody concerned?” 

I recently had the experience of running into a lady and thinking, “I could create a great relationship with this person.” Then I asked, “Okay, so how would that work out for her?” I said, “Well, it would work out perfectly for me.” Then I said, “Wait a minute. What does she want?” Once I spotted what she wanted, I thought, “I can’t fulfill what she wants. I can’t be what she wants and needs in her life. I can’t be what she is looking for in a relationship.” So, I found somebody who would work for her and introduced them to one another.

What are you paying, what have you paid, what payment do you have to make to maintain and entrain to the conceptual constructs of the utopian reality you are trying to live by?

Would you be willing to consider the possibility of losing the construct of the ideal scene as the creation of your life?

You may also enjoy reading Amazing Grace: Experiencing the Extraordinary Within the Ordinary by Adyashanti

The post Are You Willing to Give up Your Utopian Constructs? appeared first on BEST SELF.

Over-stress at work can make its way back to your home, acting through you and at your loved ones. Learn how to separate the two and return home with love.

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It’s 3 o’clock in the morning as I slide out of bed after only four hours of sleep. I quietly get ready for work using only a single light in the bathroom, hoping not to wake my husband, Matt. Without saying good morning or giving kisses to my three children — Jordan, Ethan and Reese — I grab my lunch and workbag, making my way into the car. The highway, which should be filled with the typical southern California traffic, is deserted this early in the morning. 

I arrive at the Starbuck’s parking lot, watch as the food deliveries wrap up, and wait for an employee to officially open for business. Then, after driving around the block to the parking structure, with latte in one hand and my phone in the other, I make the lonely walk into my building. I turn on the lights in my office and settle in as I prepare for a full day of calls, meetings, and presentations.

I show up today — just like I do everyday — as a rock star and invest 100% of my energy into my job.  

Throughout the day, not one person has a clue that I’ve slept only a few hours: not my boss, my coworkers, my direct reports, and certainly not my clients. I walk the halls with an effervescent smile, greet everyone with high energy, deliver a killer presentation, and even offer to travel an extra day for another client meeting.

It’s no coincidence Matt calls me “The Machine.” He’s chosen it as a compliment because he knows I’m persistent and relentless on my path to success.

10 hours later, I hit the road for the long commute home. Exhaustion is setting in and this is when the questioning and self-talk begins.

“How could my boss give me that project when he knows how busy I am? How come my co-workers don’t have to travel and work as much as I do? I hate how Matt will never reallyunderstand what I’m going through. I’m so sick and tired of feeling absolutely miserable!”

I arrive home, amped up with a wicked combination of anger, jealousy, and drunken tiredness. I pause just outside the door to the house. On the other side, I can hear Matt with the kids, laughing out loud. They’re obviously having fun (the word I coined “the working mom’s f-word”).

Yet, when I turn the doorknob, it becomes silent inside. Matt later shared with me, “The moment you walked in, we were all on high alert.” 

Of course they were… because they didn’t know which mom was walking in the door. Would it be the mom that’s going to welcome them with a big embrace, squeeze them and tell them how much she misses them and loves them? Or would it be the ‘other’ mom? The mom who shouts at them for the most insignificant reasons.

I drag myself down the hallway and as soon as I take an assessment of the house, I begin screaming and firing questions at my family. “Why are there dishes in the sink? How come there’s homework spread all over the kitchen table? Why is there a sock in the middle of the floor?”

I was that ‘other’ mom for an entireyear! How dare I show up to my office and give all of my energy, passion and dedication to my job yet not be willing to do the same for my family! My family, a group of people I’m supposed to love the most; the people closest to me, the people I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.

How are you showing up? Are you giving more to your job than you are at home? What type of person are your loved ones being met with at the end of the day?

No matter if you’re going through tough times, if you’re enduring long days in the office or you’re experiencing any other major stress, it’s vital that you show up differently for your loved ones.  

The reality is that you are responsible for where you are right now in life and how you feel about it.  

Look, I was the one who chose to be in my situation in the first place. With a focus only on my career, I had accepted a promotion that landed me with a heavy workload and long hours.

I was the one choosing to give all of myself to my job, leaving only the leftovers for my family.

But on the other side of this darkness was hope for change. If I was the one who chose to be there, I could be the one to choose to get out! That didn’t necessarily mean I was quitting my career or changing positions within the organization.  While changing positions was a long-term goal, I needed to make changes immediately for my own sanity and my family’s quality of life.

I had to make choices in order to be a different person at the end of the day in order to show up as the better wife and mom. Instead of the self-loathing and ranting I’d succumbed to on my drive home, I put into practice new ideas to create a new me:

Phone Calls

Long commutes are the perfect time to make phone calls to loved ones and friends. This is not an excuse to bitch about your day, but rather an opportunity to genuinely ask how the other person is doing, catch up, and maybe share in fun memories.

Audio Programs

Whether it’s an audiobook, a podcast, or a comedy show, simply listening to something positive can create a major shift in your mindset. When listened to consistently, it can also improve your creativity and effectiveness in your job and other areas of your life.

Stay Outside

If the first two ideas don’t seem to do the trick, then simply stay outside the house until your attitude changes. Take a few deep breaths, release the tension from your day, and think about your loving family waiting for you inside. Visualize the hugs, the conversation, the goodnight kisses.  Focus on what matters most on the other side of the door.

I often say to Matt, “I still can’t believe you didn’t pack up our kids and leave me during that time.” I’m grateful for his patience, but I’m even more grateful that I realized I held the true power and took the steps to change. It’s important that you take on that same power and the steps between the time you leave work and the time you walk into your home.

Commit today that the doorway to your home is the threshold of what your life is truly about. Do this and you’ll see what it’s like to really show up as the best version of you.

—

You may also enjoy reading The Ultimate Guide To Stress Management by John Parrott

The post I Can’t Believe You Didn’t Leave Me: How a Working Mom Learned to Show Up appeared first on BEST SELF.

The masculine, problem-solving mentality has its place but also a price. Learn how one man reconnected with his self and family through his feminine side.

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About a year ago, I walked into the bedroom to find my wife Morgan sitting on the floor, furiously writing in her journal. I smiled a hello and quickly noted that something was afoot. I sat across from her and asked what was happening. She broke into a long explanation of a new challenge she was having with our eldest daughter, my step-kiddo, and I sat, paid attention, and listened.

Well, that’s not entirely true.

While I was indeed sitting, paying attention, and listening, my masculine brain was in deep overdrive. 

I am well-trained as a professional coach, engineer, and a MAN, so my inner computer was coming up with an epic project plan with detailed steps and milestones to solve all the problems she names. While she continued to speak and provide more information, I was modifying and updating my esoteric project plan, building a most beautiful Gantt chart, and believing I can solve this issue quickly, efficiently, and easily. 

Then she stopped speaking, looked into my eyes, and asked, “So, what do you think?”

In response, I breathe in, pause for dramatic effect, and start to elucidate my project plan in simple organized steps. Then I notice that Morgan’s face is tightening and her eyes are narrowing. My brain translates quickly that something significant is amiss. 

I ask: “Is this not what you wanted?” She pauses a long beat: “I actually just wanted you to validate my feelings.” Ah yes, validation, feelings… she’s asked this of me before. 

To validate her feelings shows my willingness to put myself into her shoes to ensure that I truly ‘get’ what she is saying and create a field of empathy for deeper intimacy and connection.

Dr. Deborah Tannen, in her best-selling book, You Just Don’t Understand (1990), discusses how women like to speak in ‘rapport talk’ to create more intimacy while men tend to speak in ‘report talk,’ which is designed to exchange information without much interest in emotions. 

In my rush to be what I thought she wanted me to be – helpful, useful, and supportive – I’ve rushed over what she actually wants: to be seen.

So I slow down and use humor to defuse the situation: “Ah, feelings, YES! My miscue! Let’s try that again.” I imitate the slapping of Hollywood movie clapboard, “Okay, take two.” My disconnection with my wife is alleviated and our conversation continues. However, I am shaken by my obsession with the dominating masculine part of my psyche.

The truth is that while I’m truly happy to adjust my methods and behaviors to create more connection with my wife, the masculine side of my personality doesn’t like to slow down. I am a man of action, a problem solver, and it seems deeply inefficient to take the extra steps to worry about feelings. Like some internal Paul Revere, my system is screaming. “There is an issue! Quick, sound the alarm, slide down the fireman’s pole, let’s get this party started.” 

The challenge with this masculine-drive-run-amok is that I’ve alienated my wife, the person I most want to help. Her desire is that my feminine side connects before offering a solution.

Men in our society are taught to divorce ourselves from all things feminine. In his book, I Don’t Want to Talk About It (1997), Terrence Real states that “our culture teaches boys to repudiate the ‘feminine’ in themselves, to hold that part of themselves in contempt.” Feminine means weak or soft or slow, and to compete in today’s world, we need to focus on the masculine aspects of production, forward motion, and success. Real further says, “Society rewards self-objectification in men. It gives men privilege. It reinforces their superiority.” 

I am seeing in this very moment that I feel superior to Morgan and her problems and I sense my deep internal need to save her. By removing any emotional connection to her experience of overwhelm with the children, I am standing above the fray and not allowing myself to FEEL her deep angst.

Logic and a fine project plan have kept me clean, but disconnected.

After this experience, I make myself a vow that I will no longer try to fix Morgan’s problems without first slowing down to connect with her. My attempts are clumsy at first. About a month later, I have the opportunity to step up to the plate again. This time, when confronted with her problem, my response is: “I can completely understand how that would make you feel. That must have been terrible.”

Her response is to smile a slightly rueful smile and squint her piercing eyes at me. She teases me good-naturedly: “You’re horrible at this.” She’s right. It is like I’m reading these hackneyed lines she’s giving me off a script.

I know that my system is still closed, and I don’t want to truly connect with her painful experience. I don’t want to feel.

I really just want to fix everything so I can slip back into that holier-than-thou place above the fray. She lets me know that she appreciates me trying and then gives me the problem to solve. I feel like a dog who has just been given a bone to chew on.

My history passes before my eyes. My mother likes to tell the story of “King Robert.” She says that when I started first grade in the suburbs of New York, I was a wild child. I was adored by my mother and my kindergarten teacher and not ready for the negative censorship of Mrs. Duffett, my teacher who had myself and twenty-five other rambunctious children to tend to for six hours a day. I was taken aback by her demands that I be quieter, smaller, and better behaved. I didn’t understand that my previously allowed boy behavior was now being frowned upon. I quickly learned the importance of coloring inside the lines. 

My education continued through my formative years to stifle my feelings and energy. Writer Christina Hoff Sommers wrote in her controversial book, The War Against Boys (2000), how schools in the latter part of the 20th century started to skew towards girls by altering school curricula to less ‘boy-centric’ activities.

I was taught to push my feelings into a box in order to get along.

I ventured through college, graduate school, my first and second jobs, and even marriage without paying much attention to my feminine side. While I was intuitively a good listener and a good friend, with some connection to my emotions, I mainly treaded the waters near the surface of my psyche. I became adept at avoiding dramatic situations, picked partners who were more deeply emotional than me, and became the archetype of a ‘steady man.’ I was the one guy in the room you could count on when things turned ugly. I was the designated driver, the one to pull your hair back if you ever needed to visit a toilet and let loose your emotions, and that close friend that women loved to tell tales of boyfriends who mistreated them. I was the dutiful son who called his mother several times a week.

I was that guy — successful but disconnected. 

Then, in one of those moments that would change my life forever, I made a complete fool of myself in a room full of strangers. From there, I saw the importance of connecting to my feelings.

Fast forward to the time I am sitting across from Morgan, running my masculine mouth off. By now I’ve spent twenty years on my own personal development, moving away from that disconnected man. I have learned the pros and cons of being connected to the softer feminine side of myself.

I have embraced the darker sides of my emotions: rage, fear, hubris, and jealousy. I’ve come to no longer fear my own emotions; however, I still hesitate to get into the mud.

I continue to work on my own resistance through therapy, conversations, coaching, writing, and relating to Morgan. 

I start to see the impact of keeping myself disconnected. I then start to visualize how it would be to fully dive in. In a deep meditation practice, I finally tap into the rules I have set for myself around my feminine from my father, my peers when I was young, from society.

I let go of the responsibility of being the ‘steady guy’ and become more and more unhidden, real, and available.

As with any other practice, I continue to integrate the lessons into my life, make mistakes, learn, and get better.

Recently, when Morgan brought me a new challenge about the kids, she immediately asked for what course of action we should take. “Wait.” I said. “Let me validate your feelings first.” She turned to me with a warm smile and matching eyes and nodded at me. Score one for the feminine!

You may also enjoy reading Self Reflection: Journaling as a Means to Greater Understanding and Growth by Fateme Banishoeib

The post A Man & His Femininity appeared first on BEST SELF.

A story of love and loss — of a pup once trained to be a guide dog — who captured the heart of her trainer instead

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In 2007, I became a puppy raiser for Guiding Eyes (an organization that provides guide dogs for the service of people with vision loss) and brought home a beautiful little puppy named Sundae. Little did I know what would unfold in my life — and my heart — from that day forward.

Sundae quickly became the charge of our golden retriever, Reuben, who begrudgingly took in one more of his mother’s ‘projects’. This followed rescued baby birds, newborn squirrels, a possum or two, and a hummingbird. Once crate-trained, Sundae slept with Reuben, who let her pull at him and take his toys and treasured balls. He tolerated and trained her to come when she was called and tsk-tsked when she tried to cruise the counters.  

A trainer named Libby, who I came to adore, once said we were “the poster children for Guiding Eyes.” We would come to class and Sundae would sit up straight next to me when I directed her. I held my breath when it was time to confidently tell her to ‘sit’, and I would leave the room for a few minutes to see if she could ‘stay’ — but there she sat and waited. 

Sundae had trust in her bones and a world of loyalty in her heart… and I was ‘her person’.

I took in all the training advice, all the psychology of how these dogs are bred, and lived the truth of how remarkably intelligent and bonded they become.

And so the months unfolded and our lovely life at home continued. We were known in our village of Woodstock and greeted with only pure joy when we went from shop to shop, Sundae in her kerchief and later in her jacket. I felt the truth of the adage ‘it takes a village,’ because I think our little town felt like they were part of her training. Wherever we went, there was always someone who would stop to tell me the story of their dog, their blind relative, their loves and their losses.

The day we left for Sundae’s grand test as a service dog, neighbors tearfully came to say good-bye, but at that point I was convinced about the mission. Sundae would do for someone else what she had done for me: be loyal, loving, intelligent, and devoted. 

Months later, after receiving postcards saying she was fine, I got a call from Libby. She remarked that Sundae was afraid of thunder and it would be fairly impossible for her to get over this fear. It would be a deal-breaker. I rushed to Guiding Eyes and there she was. I was so sorry that Sundae couldn’t be a guide dog — but I was jubilant to have her back! 

Now, eleven years later, Sundae has died. She lost control of her bowels one night and the following day began to have seizures that wouldn’t abate. Thinking back, the only sign of trouble was that a few weeks ago she began to bark every so often. I now see that as a warning signal. Otherwise, she seemed in perfect health. Yet, within hours, I lost a best friend and my dear companion.

Last night, I had a realization that frankly was a shock. I suddenly understood what it must feel like to be blind and lose one of these special dogs.

I had never fully understood — and now I do.  Yes, Sundae was a great dog and people liked her, but my family saw her as mydog. She was always just a few feet away from me as I gardened, roamed the forest, visited family or friends. She was a part of me. And now she is gone.  To my friends at Guiding Eyes, I want you to know how grateful I am to have been a puppy-raiser. I was the beneficiary of your ‘change of career’ policy of returning the pup to the raiser — and I will be forever in gratitude. 

You may also enjoy reading The Dharma of Dogs: Learning to Love, Lose and Love Again, by Tami Simon

The post Losing My Beloved Dog: A Love Letter to Guiding Eyes appeared first on BEST SELF.

Life as a refugee is filled with heartache, struggle and myriad challenges, but also the opportunity to reinvent yourself.

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Becoming a refugee means starting life anew. Most refugees experience journeys that are not only long and difficult, but also dangerous and emotionally taxing. Amidst myriad struggles and inconceivable challenges, the feeling of expulsion from their homelands is a painful reality that refugees must face on a daily basis.

In November 2006, when the internal and sectarian war in Iraq was at its peak, my parents decided to leave Iraq after receiving many letters threatening death since my Sunni father and Shia mother dared to fall in love and create a family. While my father was debating the idea of leaving our home, his cousin was kidnapped, tortured, killed and thrown like trash on the street in Baghdad. This action was a clear message that we had to leave the county at once. As we fled Iraq, our family was questioned at gunpoint multiple times. At each checkpoint, officials demanded to know which sect of Islam we followed. We miraculously satisfied their questions and were allowed to pass. That is how, with grave trepidation, my family made our way to Syria.

When we arrived in Syria with barely more than the clothes on our backs, it was through the kindness of strangers that we were able to secure a one-bedroom apartment for my family of seven.

Though a far cry from our comfortable home and our once happy and prosperous life in Iraq, it provided us safe respite as we waited to be granted refugee status outside the Middle East — a process that took two long years.

The term ‘culture shock’ was unfamiliar to me back then, but now, having lived as a refugee, I am all too familiar with this phenomenon. 

Though the Syrian people were friendly, I never fully integrated into Syrian society. Instead of going to school, I would run to my aunt and cry about my feelings. As an exile, I was never able to acclimate or make friends. All I dreamed of was returning home. It was painful for a young girl who lived a life of relative luxury in Iraq to face the paltry life of a refugee in Syria, even going hungry at times so my family could be safe and avoid a war we had nothing to do with.

In 2008, once we were finally recognized as refugees, my family and I immigrated to the United States. 

The moment our plane touched down at O’Hare Airport in Chicago was the happiest and most exciting day of my life. As our plane rumbled towards the terminal, I believed my family and I were safe and my fondest dream of finishing my education was now within my reach. Unfortunately, my rosy dreams were soon crushed as I came to realize what my life as a refugee would actually entail:

Extreme emotional struggles, feelings of exclusion, identity crisis, questioning my own religion, and the loss of homeland.

There were times, as my family and I agonized, that we wondered if we had made the right decision to flee Iraq and make our home in the United States.

Being a refugee can be as challenging as living in a war zone. I always say, “It is not easy being a refugee.” Why? Because we must overcome the culture shock, language barrier, and religious differences — all while learning how to live and function in a new community and country. For most refugees, they must accept that many years have been wasted doing nothing while living as a war victim in a foreign country. For some refugees, they also suffer being away from their families who were left behind.

When my family arrived in the USA, I had my high school diploma from Syria and was eager to continue my education. Unfortunately, I was encouraged to work, save for college, and waste many years of my life before being able to attend any school; but I refused. Instead, I decided to take ESL classes, improve my English, and work on my degree.

During the three years it took to finish those main courses, I struggled, cried, and lost sleep over my studies.

When I attended classes, I didn’t understand what my teacher was saying, so I had to go around and ask the other students to explain to me slowly. Eventually, I was able to obtain my Bachelor of Art in Humanities, become a mother, and run our family business. 

Life can be very challenging for refugees, but we have so much potential. We all come from different backgrounds, brought together to shape a society that we know nothing about. Our differences are the beauty in this strange mixture that forms our unity. Most, if not all, are born out of a great struggle.

I chose to emerge from the purge in Baghdad to surge in the American society and integrate with its people as they welcomed me with open arms.

Being a refugee comes in a package of unforeseen obstacles. In addition to suffering through extreme trauma that often goes unaddressed, comes the feeling of exclusion. Not feeling like you fit well into your new culture or community is fine at the beginning, but if these feelings linger for more than a year, then there is a problem that needs to be solved. There are many different ways to integrate into the society — such as studying, volunteering, or inviting your neighbors over for dinner to talk about the cultural similarities and differences. In doing so, you are rebuilding yourself to live. Even though you may continue to feel that you have wasted years in exile while crying for home, you have to keep in mind that this old home might not be there for you anymore. 

I have seen many dreams of mine crushed before my eyes, while I have seen others flourishing to give me a sense of home and hope. 

I have decided to stick with the pursuit of the dreams I deem possible with the help of my secret weapon: education. Yes, I have cried for home almost 12 years now, but I realized that without education, returning home will not contribute to rebuilding. That’s why I decided to continue my higher education with Peace and Conflict studies which helped me understand how to build peace personally, locally and internationally. 

I can finally say that at last, I am at peace with myself. I have obtained many certificates and awards through my education and study. Yes, I have worked hard to be where I am today, but if I was able to do it, then other refugees can, as well. You just need to have the will for it.

You may also enjoy reading When One Door Closes | The Lopez Effect: Transforming Self & Community by Nadia Lopez

The post Life as a Refugee: The Struggle to Create a Better Life appeared first on BEST SELF.

Tips for becoming a mindful fashionista

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There are many reasons why an increasing number of people are turning to mastering the art of mindful living. Some may think this lifestyle includes only things such as meditation and yoga, a healthy and mindful diet, and essentially smelling the roses while trying to live a present and stress-free life. Far from a fad, mindfulness can be an invaluable life philosophy which can envelop every aspect of life— including shopping and style.

To some, this may sound trivial, but mindfulness in fashion is as important as mindfulness in every other moment of your life. So, here is a guide to help you master the art of mindful fashion love.

Mindful vs. mindless

We have all been guilty of committing one particular crime: being caught in the frenzy of marked down items and annual sales. We purchase things we don’t need, items that are neither our style nor flattering. Why? Because they are on sale. But we need to stop, as this goes against everything mindful living represents. First of all, you may be still breaking the bank, although under the illusion that you’re saving money. Secondly, you most often end up with items that aren’t actually special to you and will end up in landfills.

Fashion needs to stop being disposable. 

That is why there are so many movements and strides in the fashion industry to encourage sustainable fashion and a circular economy that considers not only the sourcing of raw materials and manufacturing, but recycling textiles after use. However, as consumers, we need to take our share of responsibility and be savvier when entering a store and choosing garments.

Listen to those in the know

You love clothes and you consider yourself a kind of a fashionista, right? Well, sometimes in our attempts to look trendy and sparkling new, we tend to over-purchase and end up with a closet that just can’t handle it anymore. The worst part is, trends are fleeting, so as soon as we’ve snapped several photos for our Instagram feed, we become sort of over them. Does this ring close to home?

In order to prevent that from happening, let’s take the words of the master of decluttering — Marie Kondo.

Lesson number seven says: Fall in love with your closet.

What does this mean exactly? When curating your wardrobe, keep the things that not only fit you well and aren’t there only for nostalgic reasons, but also the ones that truly bring you joy. If it doesn’t bring you joy, then go it must. We’re not saying you have to pull an Emily Gilmore and get rid of all your possessions. Instead, just take the time to feel and touch your clothes, try them on, see how you feel in them, and if you feel beautiful and joyful – keep them. Joy is a sign of love, so the pieces that remain are the pieces that you genuinely love. (Of course, the pieces you dispense with should not go into the trash – if they are still wearable, take them to a re-sale store, thrift shop, Salvation Army or other outlet where they will serve others.)

Smart shopping

A purge can leave you with a closet full of joy, but that same closet might end up lacking some of the basics you desperately need. This is the time to go shopping. The first items that should be on your list are basics and undergarments. These include quality women’s underwear and supportive and flattering bras. In order for everything else to feel and look amazing on you, these pieces are crucial, so choose wisely. And, in the spirit of conscientious and mindful shopping, turn to such natural fabrics as organic cotton, linen, and bamboo. After all, these are the items that come in the closest contact with your skin, so they should be safe, good for your health, and last but not least, environmentally-friendly.

Adopt a minimalist mindset

Buying environmentally-friendly clothes doesn’t mean you have to be a minimalist in terms of color palette in order to follow some of the incredibly wise rules they adhere to. Yes, these organic items usually stick to neutral and non-colors, but when you own a finite number of items that mesh well together, you can create countless amazing outfits without a) breaking the bank and b) trying too hard to come up with an outfit. Therefore, even if you’re not a fan of these less-colorful hues, make sure you own at least a few basic items if you want to make dressing in the morning much easier as you can always rely on a basic item to go well with a statement one.

A smart and mindful shopper will carve out an afternoon just for shopping and will not settle for anything less than exactly what they are looking for.

Mindfulness is about enjoying the shopping process…

…feeling the fabric, checking the label, making sure the quality is worth the price, and taking time in the dressing rooms to look at yourself from all angles.

This is the point to ask yourself the following questions: Does this look flattering? Does it have a timeless quality to it? Is the fabric great? How does it make me feel?If the answers to these questions are positive, off to the cashier desk you go. If not, move on in search for your Holy Grail item that ticks all the boxes needed to enter your life. It’s not just a sewn piece of fabric; it’s a garment that will represent you to the outer world, so it needs to fit the bill. If you follow the rules of quality, fit, sustainability, timelessness and keep the rest of your wardrobe in mind, you will have mastered the art of mindful shopping.

Show local love

In the spirit of sustainability, conscientious shopping, eco-friendliness, and support for the local economy, don’t get tied up purchasing only in fast-fashion chains or even high-end stores. There are tons of young and talented artists in your city/country, so scout them out and show some love for local art and craftsmanship. After all, small companies produce less waste than large corporations, so you’ll be helping the planet as well. In addition to that, it’s also good to know where your clothes come from. Finally, when purchasing local, you’re supporting the art of young designers trying to make a name for themselves and helping them make a living. When purchasing from a large corporation, you have little connection to where your money goes.

Being a mindful fashion lover doesn’t require sacrifice, but it does demand a bit more savviness, a touch more empathy and wit, and just a tad more pickiness. For the sake of your wardrobe, our planet, and your style, please adopt these rules. Your style and your life will be better for it!

You may also enjoy reading Interview: Regena Thomashauer | The Power of Pleasure & Reclaiming Radiance with Kristen Noel

The post Where Fashion Meets Sustainability: Becoming a Mindful Fashion Lover appeared first on BEST SELF.

The holiday season is usually a time of cheer — a time for giving, spending quality time with family and friends, and bringing the past year to a close in wake of what’s to come. One thing we never imagine is spending the holidays without our loved ones. We never think about what it would be like to not have a sibling, parent, or friend around to celebrate with us.

I can think back to the countless wishes I made to Santa as a child. All I wanted was that new Barbie, that stuffed animal that was bigger than me, or my very own puppy. I remember the excitement and joy if Santa listened and I remember the happiness that my family shared around the tree each Christmas morning.

I never thought that my holiday wishes would change so drastically, so quickly.

In December 2010 I was 18 and returning home to my family for the holidays. I had been away at college and couldn’t wait to spend some time with my family. But when I got there I quickly fell into a mood and got really negative. I had lost the magic of Christmas and couldn’t figure out why I felt so stuck and unhappy.

My brother Derek (who was 21 at the time) always knew how to cheer me up so he tried his best to make me smile. He made jokes, acted like a goof, and chased me around with ‘the claw’ like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. It made me laugh for a while, but I soon returned to being a cynical grump and wishing my visit away. I didn’t realize the magnitude of my actions or how this would later come back to haunt me.

Right after the holidays I left, apologizing to my parents and brother for being so moody and telling them I loved them. A month later, on January 30, 2011, I received a call from my mom that changed everything: Derek had just had an allergic reaction to a prescription drug and passed away.

It was impossible; everything felt like it was crumbling down around me. I had been texting with him the night before… how was it possible that I was never going to see him again?!

In the blink of an eye my life had flipped upside down.

The journey through grief was crazy. I returned home for a week, cried and reminisced with family and friends, and tried to get a handle on the magnitude of the situation. I clung to memories of him and thoughts of his bright smile because that was all that I had.

But the biggest regret I have is about how I wasted our last time together. Of course, there is no way to predict these kinds of events, but the very last moments I spent with Derek included me being moody and unappreciative. Without knowing it, I had taken our time for granted. I had forgotten how fragile and uncontrollable life is. Instead of making the most of this time, I had let it pass me by.

Now, every year when the holidays come around, I hold a totally different meaning to them. I still try and make the best of it, but Christmas has forever changed. While friends talk about all the family gatherings or share their happy moments, there is a small hole in my heart that cannot be filled. 

All the holiday cheer can be extremely difficult when you’re grieving. Of course, it is nice to see others happy and joyous, but you are bringing close to another year without your loved one — and that is really hard to celebrate.

If you are grieving this holiday season, please know that you are not alone and that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to handle yourself.

I have found that honoring my own needs is something that helps me during this time. If you want to stay busy and surrounded by happy people to lift your spirits up, do that! But if you are feeling down and need some time to mourn and grieve, do that! Only you know what you need in each moment. 

Sometimes I think back to past Christmases and smile. I remember how blessed I was for 18 years with my beautiful brother and I focus on all the good times. I remember how blessed I am now to still be here experiencing life and having people around who care about me. But sometimes I need to have a big cry as I imagine what it would be like to give him a hug or speak to Derek like he is sitting right beside me again. I think that all of these responses are normal and a part of the grieving process.

If you aren’t grieving I have two suggestions.

First, reach out to those who you know are grieving. Chances are they are having a tough time during the holidays and your concern and support will mean more than you could ever know. And secondly, make the most of the time you have with friends and family. Remember to appreciate each moment because life is short. It can be so easy to get caught up in the small things (like I did in 2010) and miss out on what you have.

The magic of the holiday season may be upon us, but that doesn’t mean everyone will be feeling the magic. Some will be struggling with grief, some will be struggling with a recent loss of their job, and some will be struggling to put food on the table. Yet even amongst all the struggles, there is still likely something or someone we can be grateful for. I no longer wish for stuffed animals, Barbie dolls, or money at Christmas.

All I truly want is another moment with Derek or another chance to re-do our last Christmas.

Because I know that is impossible, I am focusing on trying to be as happy as I possibly can be. And with that said, no matter what your holidays look like this year, I want to wish you love and light for the holiday season.

You may also enjoy reading Healing From Grief: 5 Tips to Help, by Kathe Crawford

The post All I REALLY Want for Christmas: Managing Grief with Gratitude appeared first on BEST SELF.

A few steps you can take to help children feel empowered instead of entitled

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As parents, we inherently want what is best for our children, which includes them growing up to live responsible, fulfilling lives. Unfortunately, a rather vexing phenomenon — known as entitlement — has presented itself over recent years, making it increasingly difficult for us to instill sound values in our children. 

We all know an entitled child. Chances are we may very well have one living under our own roof.

Entitled children are me-centric and rarely show any empathy or gratitude. They seemingly believe they are entitled to have everything their way without lifting a finger to earn it. While entitled children are not ever easy to live with, they tend to grow up to be even more demanding, high-maintenance adults with similar childish behaviors, albeit on a much bigger scale.

Being mom to a very strong-willed teenage daughter is taxing to say the least. As a first-time parent, I was probably in denial for most of my now 22-year-old first-born’s teenage years. Being brought up very sheltered myself, I was blissfully unaware of many of the evils that lurked outside in the great big world. 

When my daughter Sarah turned 13, she started dating a boy that was a year older. I thought she was too young, but she threw a tantrum and made it very clear that she was entitled to have a social life. The same year we bought her an art set for her birthday. She threw it on the floor, ran to her room, and slammed the door shut because she wanted a cellphone instead. 

The next three years were a living hell for our family. The more we tried to guide Sarah in the right direction, the more she rebelled.

She wanted the best of everything but was not willing to do even the smallest of chores to help around the house. Luckily, we stuck to our guns and did not give in to her increasing demands.

Saying ‘no’ to Sarah was not always easy. She would shut us out completely when she didn’t get her way. If supper was not to her liking, she would make herself a bowl of cereal and a cup of tea and go to her room. Eventually we prohibited her from doing that. If she was not going to eat with the family she would go hungry. For nearly four years we fought with our daughter almost on a daily basis. Our undying love for her never changed and we continued to care for her, but we did not give in to any of her ultimatums. 

It was shortly after her 17th birthday that the big breakthrough came. She wanted a car and her father made it clear in no uncertain terms that she would have to work for it. The next day she went out and got a job as a part-time server at a restaurant. Our rebellious daughter changed in front of our eyes, turning into the hardworking, kind, and caring individual she is today. It wasn’t an easy path to walk with her, but if I had to do it again I would not change anything.  

We have the power to shape and mold our children through our parenting approaches.

It is for this reason that I urge all parents to make use of the following guidelines to avoid raising an entitled child at all costs:

Teach your child patience and empathy

Empathy is one of the most vital skills you can teach your child. If a child is able to practice empathy, he will be able to respect and understand the opinions of others which, in turn, will put his own needs and desires into better perspective. Due to the instant gratification offered by technological advancements, many children fail to learn the virtues of patience. 

The best way to foster patience is to not give in to your child’s demands but, instead, to set limits and generate expectation. If, for example, you don’t want your child to go to the mall alone with friends until she is 13, stick to your guns and make it something to look forward to. Do not be swayed by temper tantrums and empty threats and remember that no one benefits from always getting what they want when they want it.

Instill a respect for hard work

Schooling your children on the value of hard work is one of the biggest (and longest-lasting) gifts you can bestow upon them. It is very unfortunate that many parents have become so centered on giving their children exactly what they want that they have completely lost sight of what their children actually need. With enough praise and encouragement, you may be able to evoke a healthy respect for hard work in your child from an early age.

While there is an increasing belief that no child should be forced to work, it is important to be able to distinguish between household chores and child abuse. Equipping your child with valuable skills such as how to change a light bulb, fix a leaking pipe, sew on a button, mend a broken zipper, tend to a vegetable garden, and cook a basic meal can be of immense benefit to them later on in life. 

Inspire responsibility

Irresponsible children tend to grow up to be even more irresponsible as adults. Luckily, there are a number of simple ways through which you can empower your child to be more responsible throughout his entire life. As already mentioned, assign age-appropriate chores at home and offer suitable praise when they are completed to your standards. 

Give your child a voice, allowing him to make certain decisions that are appropriate for his age. Explain to your child that he is responsible for his own actions and that he will be held accountable for them at all times.  Always try to incite commitment, encouraging active participation in extra-mural activities such as art classes, music lessons, sports, as well as age-appropriate community volunteer programs.

One of the biggest concerns for parents is the uncertainty of what the future holds for our children. By empowering them to live responsible, wholesome lives from a young age, we give them the best chance at being successful, responsible, and most importantly, happy adults.

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Read more from Jane Sandwood on her author page

You may also enjoy reading The Kindness Contagion: Cultivating Lovingkindness in Our Children, by Christopher Willard

The post Raising a Responsible Child in an Entitled Society appeared first on BEST SELF.

Gift giving can be an imposter; free yourself of the baggage and bring on the joy

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I look into his kind eyes, then blurt out the truth. 

“I don’t want to loan her money again, Santa. I think the broken promises are as painful for her as they are for me. My only choice is to give her the money as a gift. I just hope it does some good this time.” I say. 

The thin, colorfully wrapped box, only slightly larger than the check nestled in tissue paper that hides inside, looks fragile in his big hand. I am amused by the care he uses to avoid disturbing the oversized tinsel-colored bow. 

“You might give her the money, honey, but it’s not a gift,” says Santa, shaking his head while he hands the package back to me.

“What do you mean?”

 “A gift can be anything – money, a present, a kind word or gesture, an act of service – but it is only a gift if it is given freely.  A true gift is an expression of love from the heart with nothing attached.”

 I catch the phrase, “with nothing attached.” 

“Ok, Santa, what am I attaching?”

“Doubts. Expectations. Resentment perhaps?” Santa says, eyes twinkling. “You may expect her to be grateful for the sacrifices you’ve made. Or you may want her to be sorry for the pain she has caused. Or better yet, you may expect for her to finally be responsible – to do the things that you think she should do. To move from your naughty to nice list.”

“Yes, I want her to do all of those things.”

 “That’s not a gift. If your expectations aren’t met, you’ll suffer. A gift is never, ever, a source of suffering. We add so much mischief to gift giving – especially with those that mean the most to us! What you are considering is commerce my dear, not gift-giving.”

“Commerce?” 

Santa lets out a “Ho, ho, ho” at the dismay on my face. 

“Yes, commerce. Conscious commerce or unconscious commerce. Once there is an expectation of reciprocity or repayment of any kind, our gift-giving is perverted into commerce. Purchases, trades, loans. We are giving something in exchange for something else and pretending we’re not.”

“Yuck.”

“Many times our ‘gifts’ take the form of loans. We are blind to the fact we are holding the recipient accountable to repay our generosity on our terms – when we want it and how we want it, even if we never communicated what the terms were.”  

Santa continues. “Other times our gifts are simply trades. I will do this nice thing for you if you do this nice thing for me. Or I will give you this if you stop being naughty. Similarly, we often don’t communicate the terms of the trade. We just expect the return of an equivalent gesture conforming to them.”

My gaze shifts to the gaily-wrapped presents under the tree. I wonder how many presents I have given as acts of commerce. Then, I realize Santa is talking about any gift. Regardless of the season. 

“Remember, if joy isn’t present, it’s not a gift, Liza. Any joyless act in service for another is commerce. Our “selfless” giving is not giving at all. We are bargaining for something in return.”

Santa strokes his beard, letting the silence amplify the impact of his words. 

Do I do that? Deliberately make sacrifices under the pretense of giving in order to ultimately get what I want? Are my acts of service truly acts of selflessness?

“Or we use our gifts to purchase something.”

“Purchase something?” I ask, relieved to move on.

“Yes. Sometimes we give a gift because we feel an obligation or duty to do so. The gift purchases our freedom from the feeling of obligation.”

“Mmmm,” I say. 

“Yes, I’ve checked a few off my list doing that.”

“How did you feel? When you gave the gift?”

“I don’t know. Sort of begrudging that I had to give something, or at least felt like I had to give something, then relieved to be free from the guilt of not wanting to give. You’re right. I purchase my freedom from obligation and guilt.”  

“No joy?”

“No.”

“A true gift brings joy.  It’s the litmus test for all giving.”

“I know this, Santa. Somehow I forgot.” 

I plop the box with the tinsel-colored bow down on the table. “I guess I struggle with whether my assistance is helping her or hurting us both.” 

He nods but says nothing. I recall the rumors of switches and lumps of coal left in stockings. I realize this expert in gift giving has likely grappled with issues like this many times before. How often has Santa felt conflicted to give? The naughty list is a long one. 

I stand up, conscious of the minutes ticking by on his busiest night of the year. 

“You’ve got to go.”

“This is important.”  

He doesn’t seem rushed at all. 

“Liza, tell me. How can you give freely if you fear your giving may hurt her or hurt you?” 

“Oh!” I say, instantly freed from my self-induced conflict. 

“I can’t!” I half shout. 

A big grin spreads across my face. It is returned by his jovial smile, eyes sparkling, cheeks rosy. 

“Of course you can’t! You see, the real gift is how much you care. You may want to share that with her. If you start there, you’ll know where to go next. Your heart will tell you.”

“Of course! It’s so simple. I add so much complexity!” 

“We all do, Liza-Lou,” Santa says, looking me straight in the eyes as he swings his bag over his shoulder. 

And, there they are spread before me: Time. Attention. Compassion. Connection. Affection. The greatest gifts of all. I see Christmas in his smile. I hear Christmas in his words.

“Thank you, Santa.”

He reaches for one last cookie.            

“The joy is all mine,” he says with a wink and makes his way toward the chimney.

The post Lessons from Santa in Gift Giving appeared first on BEST SELF.

8 Common ways that people cross personal boundaries

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It’s difficult to communicate respectfully with other people if we don’t understand what healthy boundaries actually looks like in real life.

Unfortunately, because we are often at a loss when it comes to identifying boundary violations, we cannot figure out what actually happened in the various interactions in our life. What we do usually know is that we were in a situation with someone and we felt discomfort. Something didn’t feel right, but we couldn’t quite understand or identify what actually happened, which makes it difficult to both analyze the situation and take constructive action next time one finds oneself in such a situation.

To help identify this paradigm in a more concrete way, here are some of the most common boundary violations. For each of the boundary violations listed below, ask yourself the following questions to determine if you are on the giving or receiving end a boundary violation.

1. Giving someone advice when the person didn’t ask for your opinion

• Do I give other people advice without them asking me for it?
• Is someone else giving me advice without me asking for it?

2. Telling another person how they ‘should’ think or feel or live their life

• Do I tell other people how they should think, feel, or live their lives when they didn’t ask me for my advice or opinion?
• Is someone else telling me how to think, feel, or live my life when I didn’t ask for their advice or opinion?

3. Judging another person’s lifestyle and making him or her ‘wrong’ because he/she is different than you

• Am I making someone ‘wrong’ because he/she is different from me?
• Is someone else making me ‘wrong’ because I do things differently than they do?

4. Telling someone you know something better than he/she does or how the person is actually thinking or feeling

• Do I tend to tell other people that I know something better than they do, or how they are thinking or feeling?
• Is someone else telling me that he/she knows better than I do what or how I am thinking and feeling?

5. Making someone else responsible for how you feel or what you are saying and doing

• Am I blaming someone or making someone else responsible for how I feel or for what I am saying and doing?
• Is someone else blaming me or making me responsible for their feelings or for what they are saying or doing?

6. Touching another person’s body without their permission

• Do I touch other people without their permission?
• Do other people touch me without my permission?

7. Going through another person’s personal possessions (like their phone or computer or bag) without their permission

• Do I go through someone else’s personal possessions without their permission?
• Is someone I know going through my personal possessions without my permission?

8. Any kind of threatening, aggressive or violent behavior

• Do I shout or threaten other people or act violently towards others?
• Is there someone in my life who shouts, threatens me, or is violent towards me?
• In cases like this, it is important to remember that we live in societies where there are laws to protect each of us from violence and abuse and that this type of behavior is completely unacceptable. If you encounter this kind of a situation, leave as quickly as possible or call the police or your neighbors if you need help.

For guidelines and suggestions about how to deal with boundary violations, see my books Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life (chapter 3) and Find and Follow Your Inner Compass (Part 2).

 
>Read more from Barbara Berger on this site on her author page.

You may also enjoy reading How to Handle Difficult Conversations: 3 Strategies for More Effective Communication, by Sara Fabian

The post How to Avoid Boundary Violations that Can Create Uncomfortable Relationships appeared first on BEST SELF.

Discover how to align with a higher vibration of energy, and all aspects of your life will improve

—

I first encountered the notion of vibrational frequencies while travelling across Northern Europe as a teenager.

At the time I had of course no idea that a frequency could pertain to more than just a radio wave, nor that we as human actually carried one — the whole idea that my entire reality was made up of vibrational energy fields at a quantum level, was a little too grandiose for me to take in at the time.

Then years passed, and the world changed. It grew. It adapted to house more holistic ideas about our lives and wellbeing — and thankfully, so did I.

When I first began studying the correlation between the quality of thoughts and the overall health of the body, I noticed that our so-called diet was, in reality, made up of much more than just the foods consumed with our mouths on a daily basis. In fact, it included a far larger spectrum of energetic nourishment, encompassing the frequencies of all that surrounds us at any given time — including objects, people and places.

That’s where it all got interesting.

To better understand what was going on down here on this marvellous piece of rock that we call Earth, I had to look further out into the cosmos. Made of pure energy, each basic element of the known atomic chart is forged around energy at different rates of vibration — at the atomic, sub-atomic and quantum levels. Everything in the universe (and therefore our world, including its inhabitants) is made up of pure energy. In other words, we humans are made of cells, which in turn are made of atoms, which are made of particles, and these are actually just vibrating energy at the core. In short, everything is energy.

Now, these vibrating energies create a wave as a means of propulsion that touch everything around them. Since everything we see, feel and sense in our reality is made up of this energy, everything we allow into our reality — from music, food, thoughts and colors to the style of communication we use and the TV programs that we watch — have an impact on our frequency. They are inseparable. This includes, of course, the company we keep, the places that we frequent and the things we do for a living and how we go about it.

These energies either serve us or dis-serve us.

I noticed that when the resonance of the body was one of health, it would vibrate at a higher frequency and shield lower vibrational energies from entering and affecting it detrimentally. When this became lowered due to stress, emotional hurt or thoughts that were inauspicious to our overall wellbeing, the resonance of the lower energies around it would become a match and create a disharmony in the form of illness or disease — even here the notion of ‘like attract like’ came into effect.

If our frequencies are always organically present, does this mean that we can attract back onto us whatever resonance we are emitting at any given time? And most importantly, that our energy affects everything and everyone we have a propinquity with?

In accepting this truth, the matter of personal responsibility suddenly becomes elevated to a whole different level.

I observed many people gravitating towards a compulsive, weekly dose of ‘entertainment’ rooted in violence/pain/fear as they became programmed into believing that they needed this in order to be happy. Our environment — including toxic media, chemicals, rhetoric and relationships — serves this to us on a platter, readily turning part of our vibrational nutrition into one of low energy, a pattern that, if followed regularly, locks us into a state of need and addiction to self-inflicted pain, much like a drug.

Breaking free from such a destructive relationship only becomes possible if an awareness of the Inner Self is present. Without this essential connection, any emotional pain becomes transmuted into a deleterious force within the body, festering and mutating into its own very entity.

Luckily, within us, we also hold the antidote against the manifestation of lower vibrational energies through the practice of stilling the mind. Through several group meditation sessions, I witnessed its vibration-boosting power completely transform the energetic field and re-stabilize it back to its normality. Sharpened mental clarity was also gained by its practice, as well as an overall, superior alignment of the higher self.

Whenever I am asked today if there is anything one can do to protect themselves from lower vibrations, I tend to answer them with a simple question: Are your thoughts contributing to your positive expansion, or are they energetically neutral (or worse)?

If your thoughts, actions, relationships and environment aren’t serving your higher self, it’s time to shift into ones that do.

—

Read more from Sam Glory in her new book: 

You may also enjoy Interview: Brendon Burchard | Live, Love, Matter with Kristen Noel

The post Living a Higher Vibration for Better Health and Greater Purpose appeared first on BEST SELF.

Photograph by Sara Rampazzo

A Kuwaiti woman defies censorship to celebrate the oneness of all humanity in support of gay rights and all human rights

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When people ask why I support gay rights, I am perplexed, because the question — in and of itself — immediately polarizes us against others. Aren’t we tired of discrimination? To take away someone’s right to share his/her body with someone else, and to insist that we have the right to do so, is baffling to me.

I was raised, like many others on this planet, with a set of rules, rituals and an ideology that professed a my-way-or-the-highway-to-hell (literally) mandate. I was afraid of God and even though I had gay friends and never flinched at their unions, there was a part of me deep down inside that thought it was wrong, just like I believed it was wrong to love a man before marriage, just like it was wrong to do so many things I did. I didn’t see anything worse with being gay, but I was taught that our Creator frowned upon it. But as I embarked on a spiritual journey, and veered away from dogma, I began inclining toward the voiceless voice inside of me that assures me on a daily basis that Source is love, and so are we.

And so, it has become a mission for me to defend the rights of those condemned not just in my conservative society of Kuwait, but globally. We have turned being gay into such an issue. In my society, which is steeped in censorship, I still can’t write about it publicly, though I can on my blog. Last year, an article of mine about gay rights was removed from a newspaper website online, ten days after being posted. Did it stop me? No, I sent the article abroad, and I will continue writing about matters dear to my heart.

It’s such a good feeling to not care what others do or who they love, to see each individual as a character in a cosmic novel playing a role. And it is our collective duty to keep discussing such matters until we no longer have to.

I am grateful to my very own censorship committee — my mother — who insists I continue to write and censor nothing. Love is fearsome to people. We have forgotten love. To love people regardless of their skin color, sexuality, religion, and race has become a challenge. We have become distracted by the latest technology, travel, fashion, and fast cars. And that’s alright, we are human after all, but not at the expense of forgetting our mission on Earth: love, in all its forms.

I am connected to the freedom of my sisters and brothers because I know the power of love whether it is a man loving a man, a woman loving a woman, a man loving a woman.

Who are we to stop the process of love?

Everyone, everything is a dance and manifestation. All stems from One, so if the universe supports gays, then so do I. There is no difference between a ‘straight’ person or ‘gay’ person. If we define ourselves by sexual attraction, then we are a sorry race. If we punish or ostracize people because of who they sleep with, then we are a sorry race. If we taunt people because of the color of their clothing or whether or not they wear make-up or grow or cut their hair, or behave in a masculine or feminine manner — gay or straight — then we are an extremely sorry, sorry race.

So, I won’t say that I support gay rights. I will say that I support life in all its manifestations. I will say that the only ones I do not support are pedophiles, terrorists, dictators, sex traffickers, rapists, criminals. And I imagine that even these abominations would dissolve if only we could remember our oneness. When we harm others, we harm ourselves. And if we think that being gay is a crime, then I ask us to reconsider, because the only crime is the judgment of the human body and its desires. And if we continue to use the divine to justify our hatred, then perhaps an awakening is way overdue for humanity.

I won’t judge you for asking me, because I have my own conditioning lurking within me, waiting to be purified and cleansed. Instead, I will hold your hand, so that we can rise in awareness together. I will hold your hand, so we can both discover that everything we have been taught is being projected as chaos in the external realm. And, again, I will hold your hand, to let you know I love you. Finally, I will hold your hand, so that we can ascend from fear to love. I hear the view is sublime!

—

>You may also enjoy reading Community Co-Listening: Can We Listen Without Judgment? by Indira Abbey Heijnen

The post Ask Me Again: In Support of Gay Rights and All Human Rights appeared first on BEST SELF.

During the good, the bad and the holidays — your life is enhanced when you cherish a circle of friends

—

When I was married and my sons were younger, the holidays were all about creating a magical world of Christmas wonder for my children, an elegant Christmas party for my husband’s firm, and a large Christmas brunch for both sides of the family. Add in a few birthdays, and from Halloween through February, the days blurred from one event into another.

During this hectic time, one huge saving grace for my sanity was (and still is) my community of girlfriends. Taking time to laugh together, have lunch, or go to an impromptu movie — to simply enjoy each other — allows us to stop the craziness and enjoy the moment. I always found that after being with my friends, I would come home and spread that joy to my children and family.

Fun with my girlfriends helped open my eyes to what was really important through the holidays: love, fun and making memories.

It suddenly did not matter so much if everything was perfect, but whether everyone was enjoying, laughing and connecting.

A study from Emma Seppala, Ph.D., of Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education found that “strong social connections” lead to a 50 percent increased chance of longevity. And yet Steve Cole of the University of California at Los Angeles wrote in a Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciencesarticle that from 1985 to 2004, people reported a decrease in having good friends. Today, one in four people report not having anyone to confide in. Cole even found that when people feel lonesome, it can increase stress to the point of feeling like a severe physical threat. That is because we, as people are social and love to interact. It fuels us psychosocially and as stated above physically.

That’s why the sisterhood of women is so vital to our wellbeing: coming together in a safe, trusting community; sharing things only other women can understand, learning from others’ experience and realizing we are not alone. There is this unspoken, yet clearly understood shared sense of ‘I get it’.

Women thrive in a strong community.

We give each other courage to try new things and stretch beyond our comfort zones. We see the humor in each other’s mistakes and, eventually, our own. We are quick to offer needed advice, help each other grow, or just lend a supportive ear when one of us needs to be heard.

True friends give us a safe zone to be totally ourselves and to know that someone has our back. It is the space where we ultimately become true sisters.

My love for learning grew because of women. When I was growing up, I loved seeing women excel in college and move into fields that, not so long ago, were not available to us. Watching them try and then succeed gave me courage as a young girl to spread my wings and believe in myself. I truly felt that anything was possible due to watching the women who went before me.

What I treasure most is the strength and love from the women who were there through the best and toughest times in my life. They never allowed me to give up and they helped me to see the humor in circumstances that made me want to cry. It was a sister friend who said, “Alena, take care of your own circle” when I felt like a victim at the beginning of my divorce. That helped me to open my eyes and take control, without blame, to pull my kids and myself together to form our strong, ‘new’ family.

Another experienced woman saw something in me that I did not see.

She took my hand and gave me the courage to step out of my comfort zone in music and into the world of writing, speaking and motivating. Her support enabled me to help others tap into their own inner divine and create the lives they want to live. I can never thank these friends and incredible women enough.

Although interacting in person is always the most fun, there are some fabulous communities of women online that offer real connection, sharing and growth. One such community is Savvy Sisterhood. Savvy is highly interactive and offers classes where women connect, make friends, share ideas and help one another. Many of these women also have local communities of Savvy right in their city or town, so they can connect in person and on social media.Savvy Sisters can even video chat through the Marco Polo app.

Another way to connect is through Meetup in your area. There are so many women’s meetups and each is doing something a little different. Finding women who like what you like is key. If you can’t find one, start your own! The possibilities for friendships between women are endless.

The holidays are the perfect time to be with your sisterhood, let off some steam, and build closeness and happiness. It is definitely a community to be treasured! When two women join — the space in between is where the magic unfolds. But remember, make time to nurture yourself. One can only nurture if they are nurtured. Don’t fall down the holiday rabbit hole without time for self.

You may also enjoy reading Running With Purpose: Realizing the Fullness of Life While We Live It, by Dendy Farrar

The post Sisterhood: Giving Thanks for Your Girlfriends appeared first on BEST SELF.

Learning self-love by embracing your imperfections

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You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked.

Try approving of yourself and see what happens.

— Louise Hay

Looking back on my life, I came to realize that I spent quite a high amount of my precious time trying.

Trying to be perfect.

Trying to be appreciated and liked by everyone else around me.

Trying to fit in with different groups of people so that I could feel accepted and included.

Trying to get some sense of belonging.

In reality, I was using others as an instrument to get what I wasn’t giving myself: love, appreciation, self-care and self-respect.

I can recall my desperate efforts to ‘make myself beautiful,’ while I was hiding behind tons of makeup. Now, don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against being feminine, and I am still using makeup, but I don’t look like I am wearing a mask any longer.The Old Me used to put on lots of makeup as a daily practice. My face looked no different if I was attending a wedding or going to the gym. The idea of meeting someone that wasn’t close to me (family members or close friends), in all vulnerability, scared me to death.

But here’s what I didn’t know at the time and what I know to be true today: It wasn’t other people I was scared of; it was all about me.

I used to perceive myself as not good enough, often making myself small so others would feel big around me. Calling myself names (“Stupid me!”, “Me, again!”) and putting myself down, unable to acknowledge myself for my achievements and taking myself for granted. The only thing I wanted was to be perfect.

I know beauty is entirely subjective and shaped by our minds. We all perceive reality filtered through our own lenses.Things are as they are: not ugly or beautiful, not normal or abnormal. The same thing is valid for people. We don’t see others as they are; we see them as we are, and everyone is a reflection of ourselves.Carl Jung called it the “mirroring effect” — everything we either like or dislike in another is a reflection of Self. How could we even see it, otherwise?

My journey to self-love started with the transformational mirror work of Louise Hay.

The exercise she offers looks very simple: take a mirror, look into your eyes and say “I love you.”

Start feeling that loving energy in your body, going deep inside your heart. I know it doesn’t sound complicated; but if you haven’t had a harmonious relationship with yourself for years, it’s very hard.

“Loving myself? Wasn’t that supposed to be selfish? Isn’t that coming from my ego? What am I doing here — am I turning into a narcissist now?” This is how the voices in my head sounded at the time.

To me, the mirror work was a very uncomfortable exercise to do, but I decided to repeat it every single day. You see, new habits are learned by practice — and that’s exactly what happened. After a few weeks, watching myself in the mirror and saying “I love you” didn’t feel awkward any longer. Not at all. It was natural, warm and cozy.Embracing myself with love and compassion was one of the most beautiful gifts I have offered myself. It felt transformational from the inside out, like a rebirth. I stopped wearing that heavy makeup mask because I didn’t need it any longer. Today, I usually put on a very light makeup, and when I do grocery shopping or go for a walk, I don’t have any.

If this rings the bell for you, I am inviting you to experience another way of understanding beauty and perfection that is very different from the norms imposed by most cultures and societies: the ‘wabi-sabi’ beauty.

The ‘wabi-sabi’ beauty concept promoted by the Japanese culture is based on the principle that imperfections are beautiful.

Artifacts are exposed in museums exactly as they are, cracked or broken. And that’s what makes them so valuable: they’ve passed the test of time. The same thing is valid for people. It is our imperfections that make each of us authentic, special, and unique.

Perfection is an illusion. It doesn’t exist. A sign of fear, it is a source of unhappiness and frustration in many people’s lives. It might look like a strength but, in fact, it’s precisely the opposite. It is an enemy, not a friend. Perfection is the result of not feeling good enough and setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves. The same thing is behind the wish to look perfect. It is a sign of self-criticism, non-acceptance, and self-judgment. Same thing as declaring war to our bodies.

Beauty is a state of mind. We are what we believe. If I think I’m ugly or stupid, that becomes my reality.

If I believe I’m smart and beautiful, that is what my reality is. I am perfectly beautiful and beautifully imperfect, and this allows me to be ME.

Know you are worthy and beautiful, not because others think so, but because you choose to believe it. Decide you are gorgeous, and see what happens.

You may also enjoy reading Could You Love Your Body, Really? | Shifting Your Body identity, by Peggy Farah

The post What The Japanese Can Teach Us about Body Acceptance appeared first on BEST SELF.

A fact-oriented sceptic learns to communicate with her dog and connect on a soul level in physical life and in spirit

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From the day I brought my puppy Brio home, my life became one of surprises. At first, they were often about frustration and even sadness because I felt I could not communicate or connect with him. I didn’t speak ‘dog’. I was convinced that Brio didn’t even love me. The most profound and miraculous surprises, however, came later.

Ultimately, my relationship with Brio became one of deep connection and great transformation. I learned what great gifts these fellow creatures have to offer us as feeling, sentient beings, as teachers, not as ‘pets’ simply to be at our sides to comfort us or at our command.

When I decided to get a dog, I was having kind of a mid-life crisis.

I’d been in a near-fatal car crash. A relationship with a man had ended badly. I was in the midst of a successful career as an award-winning television documentary producer, a driven, Type A professional to the core. My dog was supposed to bring balance to my life, but not really change it or change me. Yet my search for a meaningful connection with Brio led me down a path that crossed over the boundaries of reason and concrete reality into the realm of the invisible.

My search to find a way to communicate with Brio inspired me — a skeptical journalist — to investigate the paranormal. I entered the world of animal communicators, psychics, and mediums. The messages I received from Brio through them were so detailed and so accurate that I knew these intuitives truly were ‘talking’ to Brio. Somehow, they had access to information about Brio and our life together that I never told them, that they could not have known by ordinary means. And even after Brio passed, the messages continued, with startling accuracy, from the world of spirit.

Author Benjamin Hoff wrote in The Tao of Pooh: “Lots of people talk to animals…Not very many listen though…that’s the problem.”

It’s a puzzling problem in a way, especially regarding dogs. Dogs and humans evolved together over an estimated 32,000 years. Many scientists and researchers believe that the two species developed a symbiotic relationship with each other and therefore we seek to communicate with each other. Over the centuries, humans have become more and more dependent on verbal communication. Dogs may not share our words, but recent cutting-edge research is showing that they do understand our words. The famous Border collie Chaser learned the meaning of over 1000 objects when her human, psychology professor, John Pilley, taught her their names. Moreover, Chaser understood the meaning of separate words; for example, if she was told to “fetch ball” she put together the meaning of those two words.

According to new research, dogs can understand our emotions and feel emotion in much the same way as we do.

And studies show that they understand the intent behind our voice intonations and some direct movements, like pointing. Dogs are trying to understand us apparently — even if we aren’t listening or understanding them.

I now believe that Brio knew me, really knew me, right from the start, even when I didn’t truly know him for who he was. I no longer question that a conversation can take place between humans and dogs that crosses boundaries of time and space.

So how does that happen? How does telepathic communication work?

The paranormal remains foreign territory to many scientists wedded to the traditions of western science and the need for empirical evidence. I understand. I was once that kind of believer, too. But now I have direct personal experience which makes it impossible for me to question that telepathic communication between people and dogs really can take place. And there’s one scientist trained in the Western scientific method who agrees: Rupert Sheldrake, a Cambridge University schooled biologist, who proposes that there are invisible links between bonded beings (homing pigeons for instance) that allow them to communicate over long distances and to even sense natural disasters.

Sheldrake calls these “morphogenetic fields” — a term from evolutionary biology — that links members of a social group—real links, Sheldrake says, not just metaphorical ones. Dogs can be linked to their humans, Sheldrake believes, through these fields. He’s studied dogs who appear to be able to know ahead of time when their person is headed for home and has reported statistical evidence that this is a real phenomenon.

For me, the step in my journey with Brio that was the crowning revelation was that the messages from him continued to come after his physical death.

I can never forget the incredible accuracy with which the animal communicators reported the exact events that occurred between me and Brio on his last day on earth and then events in my life after his passing. They relayed details from Brio’s point of view of his last meal, and then how he experienced certain moments along with me in the days after he left. I certainly didn’t tell the psychics anything to have given them clues.

I believe that Brio somehow lives in spirit. I believe that he has a soul that has not died. To believe that dogs have souls, one has to believe that they have consciousness. Indeed, here again, science is lending support. Six years ago, a group of scientists, including neuroscientists and neurologists, issued a declaration that the scientific evidence is increasingly indicating that nonhuman animals have the neurological substrates that generate consciousness.

My experience with Brio transformed my view of who our fellow creatures are, of who I am, and my perspective about the universe itself. I believe that there is more to existence than what we experience with our human senses; there is another dimension that lies beyond the material world, a dimension of spirit if you choose that term.

Brio and I connected at the soul level in physical life and in spirit.

I learned that he saw me at that level; he saw beyond my human masks as a driven television producer and committed skeptic about anything unproven by material evidence. There is other evidence to be believed — evidence of what we know in our hearts and intuition. That discovery, given by a great being in the form of a dog, is an incredible gift.

I found and came to know my soul dog. Along the way, I found so much more. Our fellow creatures have so much to offer. My hope is that more and more people start listening to them, really listening.

You may also enjoy reading The Dharma of Dogs | Learning to Love, Lose and Love Again, by Tami Simon

The post Soul Dog: A Journey into the Spiritual Life of Animals appeared first on BEST SELF.

Common-sense tips to live a healthy and balanced life

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Health is more than physical fitness or the absence of disease. Real health is also mental, emotional, and even spiritual. It’s being a whole human being.

But how do you get it?

Dozens, maybe hundreds, of self-help writers and bloggers are happy to offer advice — but sometimes that’s part of the problem. How can you tell which advice to follow? If you’re feeling a little overwhelmed, you’re not alone. Maybe it’s best to start with some common-sense principles and see where it leads you. The results might surprise you.

1. Eat Well

Some say proper health begins with what you eat. Certainly, a lot of health advice begins with diet. Unfortunately, confusion starts with diet, too, because everybody seems to disagree. Some experts say to avoid carbs, others say to eat plenty. First,salt is the enemy, then it’s not so bad. But the fact of the matter is that many people enjoy excellent health while eating all sorts of things. The body has its own wisdomand can extract the nutrition it needs from many ways of eating.

ADVICE: Eat in moderate proportions, eat as all natural as possible, cut out processed foods, increase the amount of fiberand protein in your diet, and get the RDA of all your vitamins and minerals. And if all that sounds tough to fit into your busy lifestyle, consider high-quality supplementsand dietary aids to help you get the nutrition your body deserves.

2. Be Active

You know that standard warning to talk to your doctor before beginning any exercise program? It’s not bad advice, but they should tell people to talk to their doctors before sitting, too. Spending too much time sitting down is a major health risk. Most of us have lifestyles that make getting enough exercise very difficult. Work, school, going online, watching TV, all of it involves way too much sitting.

ADVICE: Get up and move. You don’t have to be a world-class athlete. You don’t have to be an athlete at all. Just get up and move, preferably out of doors. Walk, ride a bike, play tag with children, dance. Do whatever you most enjoy. You’ll feel better physically, and you’ll probably be happier and more relaxed, too. 

3. Drink Water

The human body needs water to work, and many of us don’t get enough of it. Dehydration can lead to irritability, forgetfulness, fatigue, even nightmares. Chronic dehydration can damage your kidneys. They say if you feel thirsty, you are already dehydrated, but part of the problem is that some people don’t feel thirsty, or mistake thirst for hunger (yes, not drinking enough can lead to eating too much). How much water you need varies, depending on the weather, your activity level, and other factors.

ADVICE: Get to know your own body to find out how much you need. Take a look at your urine when you go. Seriously, it’s a great indicator. If the coloris dark enough that you can see the yellow in your stream alone, you need to drink more. Drinking plain water is best. Soft drinks and juice can add up to too many empty calories, and alcohol and caffeine can be dehydrating. But the important thing is to drink something.

4. Get Enough Sleep

A lot of us are sleep-deprived. In today’s fast-paced world, there’s so much pressure to go, go, go! But the need for rest is not negotiable. There is no way to train yourself to need less sleep. Caffeine can keep you awake, but it can’t change the fact that you need rest. Sleep needs vary. You might need more or less than average, and that’s fine. But if you’re in the habit of waking up with an alarm clock and staying awake with caffeine, you might need more than you’re getting.

ADVICE: Get some rest. You’ll see your mood, your ability to focus, and your overall health all get better. 

5. Be Happy

No one can be chipper all the time. Some people are naturally lessupbeatthan others, and that’s OK. But if you’re not enjoying your life, do yourself a favorand do something about it. Whatever it is, it’s important because YOUare important.

ADVICE: Maybe there’s a lifestyle change you can make. Maybe you can talk things over with your friends and get support. Maybe a therapist can help. Maybe you need more sleep (all ten of these tips are related). Maybe you have an underlying medical problem that needs attention — depression or anxiety can be symptoms of a surprising range of other concerns, from infections to drug interactions to liver issues.

6. Have Friends

A lot of us are chronically lonely. Modern life makes it difficult to maintain friendships, but without good friendsour mental health takes a hit — and so can our physical health.

ADVICE: If you get hurt and need help, who will be there for you if not your friends and family? Married people, on average, live longer than singles, even when the marriage itself isn’t quite the fairy-tale we all hope for. Why? It may be the married are less lonely.

7. Be Safe

 All the self-care and happiness in the world won’t be much good if you get yourself killed in a preventable accident.

ADVICE: Wear your seat-belt. Wear reflective clothes when you go jogging. Schedule your annual exam — yes, that one you’ve been putting off. Don’t pick up rattlesnakes. You know what to do. Be careful. Be smart. 

8. Speaking of Doctors….

While we’re talking about health, let’s not overlook the benefit of professional help. Many people dislike doctors, for one reason or another. Others don’t seek help because “it’s not that bad,” or out of a belief that no one can help.

ADVICE: Sometimes seemingly small problems are symptoms of deeper concerns that need prompt attention. Even genuinely minor issues are worth resolving. Why tolerate discomfort or pain if you don’t have to? And often, they canhelp. “They” include doctors, dentists, chiropractors, naturopaths, physical therapists, psychiatrists, and counselors. Insomnia, poor sleep quality, persistent aches and pains, allergies, mental health issues, and more can all be resolved. Have hope.

9. Be of Service 

Self-care is good,but deep, long-term happiness (remember, we said these tips overlap) depends on living a life that is meaningful, not just enjoyable.

ADVICE: Help a friend, care for a child, take on a cause, and find something more important than yourself. Ironically, your own life will improve as a result.

10. Cut Yourself Some Slack

There are so many tools out there you can use to improve your health and your life — and that’s great! But the flip-side of having so many options is that if you find yourself with persistent mental or physical health challenges anyway, you might start to think it’s your fault.

ADVICE: Don’t do that to yourself. Some things are simply beyond your control. Don’t feel sick over being sick. Don’t worry about feeling anxious. Don’t get depressed over your depression. Use the tools you have to achieve the best health you can. And then enjoy your life.

You may also enjoy reading 3 Steps to Love Your Body: A Morning Ritual to Expand Self-Love, by Dain Heer.

The post 10 Simple Rules for Living a Healthy Life appeared first on BEST SELF.

Tips for refining your communication skills and building bridges of mutual understanding with others

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Raise your words, not your voice.

It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.

– Rumi

One of the most common sources of conflict among people is the way we communicate.

Oftentimes, conflicts do not arise because of a diversity of opinions and beliefs since diversity is necessary for thought exchange and ultimate growth. The true source of conflict is in the way we express our opinions and communicate disagreement. A blaming, sometimes even aggressive tone of voice, can seep into our language which then invites confrontation instead of collaboration by conveying a closed “my way or no way” kind of approach.

Looking back on my childhood years, I can recall feeling that anything was possible. In my world full of playfulness, creativity, and fun, things were straightforward and clear. Whenever I was hungry, I made sure my mother knew about that. When I was afraid, sad, or upset, I said so. Whenever I wanted anything, I asked for it.

In this open communication space, there was no room for mind reading or making assumptions. I didn’t claim to know what other people felt or thought. If anything was unclear, I asked. I didn’t let my mind play with me and create scenarios about what other people had in their minds or hearts because I knew I wasn’t them.

Life was quite simple, and the older I got, the stronger my need to complicate it became.

Taking an honest look at my life as a grown-up woman, I came to realize that I was often aggressive with people without even being aware of it. I never screamed and yelled at people, but I expressed my thoughts and emotions aggressively to get my voice heard, especially when I was trying to convey opinions I strongly believed.

That is an area I am still working on. I have spent time reading about the field of non-violent communication, learning how to communicate with clarity and confidence in any situation and, by that, avoiding unnecessary drama or confrontation. A few years ago, I started to apply this learning in my everyday life. Surprisingly, I could see how small adjustments in my communication helped me to improve my relationships with people in my personal life and career.

Here are three useful suggestions that helped me refine my communication skills and build bridges of mutual understanding with others:

1. Be curious about others’ intentions

A major source of conflict comes from the fact that we tend to evaluate our own actions based on our intentions, yet judge others based on their actions, often without knowing their intentions.

For instance, when I fear I might have offended someone with my words, my immediate reaction is to explain myself and make it clear that my true intention is not to hurt anyone. ”I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like that. My point is that…”However, when I don’t like what I heard in a sensitive conversation, I used to immediately jump into a defensive or even aggressive posture, without even trying to understand more about what others wanted to tell me.

Blaming other people for the way I feel, act, or think is disempowering (and frankly just not the truth).

I can’t control what anyone says, but I am fully in charge of my emotions. No one can make me feel anything. No one can upset me, stress me, or depress me unless I allow it. Whenever I find myself feeling frustrated or angry during difficult conversations, I have educated myself to take a long, deep breath. That helps me stay grounded and manage the way I feel.

Secondly, I learned how to ask questions with the genuine curiosity of a child. I want to know more about the story behind the words — the circumstances, the impact on the people involved, their intentions, and so on.

Here are some of my favorite questions that help me do that:

• How did this happen?
• Can you tell me more about it?
• What can we do to sort this out?

In reality, we only judge what we don’t understand, so I make sure I stay away from confusion. People can only be responsible for what they say, not for what I understand. And no one is a mind reader.