Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

A roadmap for claiming control of your divorce (and life) even in the throes of upheaval and chaos

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Divorcing differently…is it really possible?

“Look, the last thing I could imagine doing when my life was spiraling out of control during my divorce — was get ZEN and centered and make grounded decisions. That sounds like pie-in-the-sky, woo-woo nonsense. Come on, is that really possible?” she asked.

I hear you…in fact, I was you. But of course, it is possible! I responded.

I guess the real question for anyone begins with asking themselves what they think is possible with their own life…who is in charge calling the shots? Who is making the decisions? Is your life happening TO you or FOR you? And if so, why? (and btw, you’ll want to answer those questions before moving ahead with your divorce).

There are life moments when we are called to task…here are the circumstances…now what are you going to do with them? It’s hard to see choice within any upheaval, particularly divorce where oftentimes little if anything is spared — not your heart, your home, your finances, your wellbeing or that of your children.

Divorce is an ending, but it is also an opportunity for a new beginning…and that’s not a platitude lightly tossed around.

Imagine approaching this from a different angle. We can’t control all life events, but we can control how we experience them…and that is NOT ‘woo.’

The times we feel most out of control are the times we most need to show up for our Best Selves — to step back and consciously declare how we want to navigate, how we want it all to go and what condition we want to be in when we land on the other side of things. Do you want to arrive screeching in on two wheels, a broken, depleted, frazzled mess trailing a string of debris behind you — or not?

Anyone who has ever experienced divorce knows exactly what’s at stake — and many don’t see choice in the matter. I get that completely. As a matter of fact, I’ve swam in all of those same waters, drowning in the gamut of emotions that can wash over you like a tidal wave: fear, shame, anger, despair, anxiety, overwhelm, etc. While in the midst of it, it can feel like you are the only person experiencing this — its isolation deafening.

Then stuck in the middle are your kids, witnessing it all, feeling it all, experiencing it all. There is no hiding the pain of divorce from our children, no matter the age, no matter how well you play act. They are energetic sponges who can read and feel you and the energy of the house — even if they don’t understand it. So many critical mistakes are made by parents in the early stages of divorce that leave lasting imprints upon their children that can be avoided.

There’s no denying that divorce can feel like a series of wildfires that need to be extinguished.

Yes, the stakes are high — your health, your finances, the emotional security of your kids. Yes, there are many tentacles that have the potential to be far-reaching and long-lasting, which is precisely why you want to be in the driver’s seat making proactive, tactical, practical, heart-centered and intuitive decisions that resonate with you to the core. And yes, it is possible. Besides, you are the one who will live with these decisions and choices for a long time after the ink dries on the divorce decree and all the other players advising you have long disappeared.

This is your life. Take charge of it now. And it starts with giving yourself a break. No one expects you to have a law degree or a PhD in child psychology, but you can become your biggest advocate and ally by remaining connected to yourself.

Back to the “how” — how we are going to do this differently?

How many times in your life have you said something you wished you hadn’t…or made a kneejerk reaction you wished you had given more thought to? Many times, right? We’ve all been there. The same holds true with divorce. Impulsive decisions that are not well-thought out or made for the wrong reasons (like anger, revenge or the need to be right) leave us scrambling to clean up unnecessary messes.

It doesn’t have to be this way. You can actually design how you want your divorce — and life — to look.

And even if you’ve never approached your life quite like this before, it’s never too late to start. It’s never too late to step into the version of yourself that you can stand behind, one who makes decisions from grounded footing. I’d even go out on a limb and say that these skills are “life skills” that you can keep in your toolbox to call upon and apply to any life adversity or bump in the road.

The most critical time to lay the groundwork and set the tone of your divorce is during the first hundred days.

It is within this emotionally charged window that you’ll be asked to make some of the most important decisions of your life. This is where you can put the brakes on this becoming a long and expensive runaway train, or not.

The problem is that most people are ill-equipped to confidently make these kinds of decisions in that moment. But we can choose to act instead of react.

Here are 5 Shifts that can help you gain control over your divorce and save you time, money and a tremendous amount of emotional suffering for you and your children.

1. Believe Your Divorce Is The Opportunity Of A Lifetime

Let’s face it…divorce is a gut punch. And when you’re in the throes of it, all you see are broken dreams and families — chaos, heartbreak, financial devastation and fear for the future…not opportunity.

Yet, herein lies your opportunity, perhaps the greatest opportunity of your life…the chance to get it right — to clean up the mess behind you, to tame the divorce train wreck, and to design what comes next. 

You see, divorce is an opportunity to write a different narrative for you and your children — and avoid the classic pitfalls that trip people up. 

It’s also a chance to reevaluate where you’ve been and more importantly, where you want to go. To look at all the events, beliefs, patterns and missteps that led to here. To break cycles. To develop new, healthy behaviors. To embrace your worth. To rescript the person you want to be and the life you want to live. This is about a new perspective, not an old story.  

Divorce is also an opportunity to model and instill the values that will set up your children well for navigating their own relationships and life hiccups.

2. Become The CEO Of Your Divorce

It’s not only possible to step into your power when feeling powerless…it’s absolutely necessary. 

Divorce can take months or years to resolve and rack up staggering costs. Factor in alimony or child support and you’re looking at financial ramifications of hundreds of thousands of dollars over the course of several years. That’s precisely why you need to take a leadership seat at this table.  

As CEO of your divorce, you will:

• Set the Vision: That’s establishing a clear goal for the outcomes you want for yourself and your kids, both short and long-term…and a plan for getting there

• Demonstrate Leadership: That means managing your team of lawyers, therapists, mediators and so on so that they are serving your agenda, not theirs…and save a LOT of money in the process

• Take Action: That’s making decisions mindfully and confidently, and communicating clearly with all involved

• Get Results: And when you do the above you’ll steer your divorce across the finish line, achieving the goals you set forth

In the end, divorce is like a business. It is not a time to sit back and let someone else take the lead in your ultimate decision-making. It is a time to step into your inner CEO and manage what is before you with clarity, resolve, thoughtfulness and heart. 

3. Harness The Power Of Your Intuition

Do you want to know the single most common mistake with divorce? It’s not harnessing the power of your intuition and understanding the critical role it plays. 

For most, divorce is new territory leaving one feeling desperate for answers, guidance, and advice. So, we seek counsel from others: lawyers, therapists, friends, family members, co-workers and just about anyone who will listen.

We heed their advice, follow their agendas and forget to check in with ourselves, asking “What do I really want? How do I feel about this? How do I want this process to go?”

We waste tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars, hurt our kids, embroil them in custody battles and remain stuck and dragged down by years of ongoing legal entanglements.

Why? Because we didn’t listen to ourselves — our intuition. Maybe we didn’t know how, maybe we felt it wasn’t important, or just bunch of spiritual mumbo jumbo. But nothing could be further from the truth. 

Intuition often doesn’t get the credit it deserves. We’re often taught to keep our heart out of our negotiations — but that’s not the path that serves you best. Intuition is a power player and learning how to harness it is a gamechanger.

You may not have used your intuition getting into your marriage, but you can certainly use it getting out of it.

4. Choose You First

The emergency instructions on an airplane always advise you to put your oxygen mask on first, then assist others. And for good reason. You can’t help anyone if you don’t first help yourself — this pertains to divorce too. 

This is not to suggest that you dismiss the needs of your kids — far from it. But too often, during the dissolution of a marriage, people put the needs of others above their own. When you do that, everyone loses. If you can’t be your best self, you can’t be the best for your children…you can’t build a solid house on a wobbly foundation.

This is a call to prioritize YOU.

Don’t make self-care an afterthought, something to catch up on once the dust settles. The key is to take care of yourself WHILE going through the divorce process. Divorce will rock you to the core, and you need to support yourself through it. And you know what? You can create a plan to thrive…right from the start.

5. Invest In Coaching

Most people dive in blindly, throwing money at the legal system, making concessions that don’t improve anything, and making massive decisions without a plan. Because it’s all new and terrifying and they don’t know any better.

But this is where coaching comes in. An expert who’s been through it all and can guide you through the process, saving you money and months of heartache — while fortifying you to face what feels like the battle of your life.

In working with a coach you will gain new perspectives and ideas, develop an action plan and have an accountability partner. A coach is like a Sherpa holding your hand — walking beside you, holding your hand and empowering you to make decisions for your life that you won’t regret — and design a new chapter to thrive within.

You don’t have to do this alone.

Why doesn’t everyone do it this way? Because we get in our own way. We roll our eyes, we assume that it is too simple. Besides, who has time and money for self-care or a coach when in the throes of chaos? Ironically (or not), the price of not doing this is far steeper.

We must remember that our lives are interconnected. When one aspect is out of whack, it has trickle-down impact upon the rest. So, the sooner you take a holistic approach to your lives (and your divorce), the sooner you can cross the bridge from untethered to empowered.

If you’re a mother facing off with divorce and want to get off the emotional rollercoaster and save time money and heartache for your family, learn more at IntuitiveDivorce.com.

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Dear Leapers of Faith,

Welcome to the inaugural issue of Best Self!  We are grateful you are here.  This issue is dedicated to the spirit of taking a leap of faith, a concept with which we have all come face to face, possibly several times throughout our lives.  

The Leap of Faith comes in many flavors and often likes to disguise itself, but in the end, it presents a gift to the beholder… the possibility of shifting one’s life from the foundation on up.  

Have you ever stood at the brink of throwing in the towel…on a dream, a project, a calling – or asked yourself, is this it?  Is this all that life has in store for me, or I for it? Is it luck of the draw — did those who follow their life passions and dreams win the Universal lottery?  

Well in fact, they did, but it’s not an exclusive club with a sold-out membership. 

Be inspired by those brave enough to share their stories, and keep reaching with us.  This is your Best Self, a magazine dedicated to providing extraordinary content to empower readers to reach closer to their own best selves.  

We celebrate those who have stayed the course, followed their true passion and manifested their dreams, like featured celebrity, Giancarlo Esposito – actor /director and all-around good guy.  Traveling a non-linear, unconventional path, this man never swayed from his inner calling to perform, create, and be on stage.  His voice is distinguishable in more ways than one.  Today he lends it to causes that spread his message of love and self-awakening, inspiring others to do the same.  We give a special shout-out of congratulations to Giancarlo for his recent star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame!

From the moment that this magazine was a mere vision, the stars conspired to align and the most amazing individuals arrived.  

This eclectic group began to magically co-create messages of inspiration. 

Our feature writer (and soon to be regular contributor here at Best Self) best-selling author Nancy Levin, has experienced many leaps in her life.  Most recently, she has stepped out of her shoes from behind the scenes at Hay House, leaping into the spotlight.  

Jennifer Kass, our love pioneer, grew up with all things spiritual.  She deviated from this path, but has come full circle with deep conviction to reclaim her purpose-driven mission and the practices that were first introduced in her youth.  Kim Keating was a child with big dreams and went on to graduate from Harvard Business School.  She provides her own brand of cheerleading, business savvy, and encourages others to keep striving in their careers and uncover their personal journey.  Jenna Knudsen has taken more leaps in her life than a circus performer.  Her “I can do it and so can you” mantra is as infectious as her sparkly smile.  She is quick-witted and sassy and brings forth her own down-to-earth version of motivation.

Someone once posted on Facebook how they cannot look at kale without thinking of Lysa Ingalsbe, certified holistic health coach and RN.  Having personally sampled her culinary too-good-to-be-healthy genius, I can attest to her healing powers through food and conscious living.  Urban Zen Integrative Yoga Therapist, Menna Olvera, demonstrates the benefits of bringing the balance from her mat to her life.  Media producer, new mother, and yoga guru, she epitomizes spiritual practice in motion. 

Ajax Greene, our self-professed “serial social entrepreneur” reminds us to be planet-aware and socially responsible, while creating prosperous ventures.  Eileen Haber literally leapt in ballet shoes as a young girl – until she grew too tall.  Her height led her to succeed as an international fashion model.  Since then she has leapt many times, most recently in declaring her new role as a writer.

We are thrilled to debut the fresh photography of our youngest contributor, Richard Mallett, whose whimsical imagery speaks to an artistic vision beyond his years.  Seasoned photographer Bill Miles shares the exquisite work of his personal journey to an artist retreat in Ballinskelligs, Ireland, inviting us into his quest for discovery, prompting us to embark upon our own. 

Sometimes the stories we least want to tell are precisely the ones that need to be told.  It is our goal at Best Self to share the many voices of the self-empowerment dreamers and activists.  The commonality of themes uniquely expressed by each author, joyously reminds me that we really are One.  Inspiration comes in many flavors — which resonates with you? 

Be bold and inspired.  I sign off and encourage you to go forth — have no fear, your Best Self is here!

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 01

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Dear Best Selfers:

Is a walk ever just a walk, or is it nature’s way of communing with us in the form of active meditation — shaking us by both shoulders as if to say, listen to me.  

Nothing seems to solve the immediate problems of the world better than a good walk.  

So, step away from the desk and go breathe some fresh air.  These boots were made for walking.

When world-renowned intuitive guide and spiritual teacher, author of 19 international best-selling books, Sonia Choquette, found herself on the floor — broken and humbled, begging for guidance — she got the hit to embark upon the age-old practice of spiritual pilgrimage, to walk the Camino de Santiago.  She had never done anything like this before in her life, but desperate times required desperate measures.  In this refreshingly candid, real and raw account, she not only bares herself within her new book, WALKING HOME: A pilgrimage from humbled to healed, in a very personal way, but by sharing this experience she paves the way, reminding us that we are each availed of the same possibility — it is ours for the choosing.  

We decided to build issue #2 around this notion of the journey home, the journey back to our authentic selves, our inner compass and calling.  

At the pinnacle of her success, Sonia experienced a face-off with herself that needed tending to.  None of us, even our beloved spiritual guides and teachers, are immune to the human experience.  Potholes arrive for all of us, in all shapes and sizes.  But what if we could reassess how we view these perceived hiccups — what if we could embrace them as teachers and gifts, not “problems?”  

Whether we embark upon an 800 km spiritual pilgrimage or a brisk walk around the block, we are each afforded the opportunity to treat our emotions as a holy experience.  Sonia’s book (which is a must read at least 2x) stands as a testament to what is possible when we do not shove our emotions aside.  We are not meant to get over them, we are meant to feel them.  In doing so, we move closer to our best selves, to our true soul-calling and purpose.  And in a world of great upheaval, pain and suffering — it allows us to be the light, to do our part to shift the collective consciousness.  

We have to decide what side of the line are we standing on — the side led by fear, or the one that resonates true love.  

Light extinguishes darkness.  Be that light for your own emotions and watch the world around you illuminate.  

When we embrace possibility, wondrous things appear — just peruse the line-up of my latest co-creators who are each in their own divine way spreading their brilliance in the world.  As they tap into their unique gifts and share them, we are all touched by a piece of greatness igniting something within us.   

Home for the holidays?  For each of us, home can mean something different.  During this holiday season and at the onset of a new year… what are you going to gift yourself?   What emotions have you been shoving aside, suppressing, trying to ignore?  Could you allow yourself to redesign this relationship to your human experience and, in the spirit of Sonia, pack a backpack (even a virtual one) and give yourself permission to feel?  Wrap it in a bright red bow, place it in a pretty box and bring on your new year with a new you!

And remember to walk.

The best in me reaching out to the best in you.

Love and Walking shoes, Kristen

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 02

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Dear Best Selfers:

BAM! Our power-packed Issue 04 will surely spark your internal desire-ometer!

I’ll admit that just seconds after announcing to Danielle LaPorte, while on set for our interview, “That’s a wrap – I think we’ve got it,” I had this quick little surge of panic within — Oh No, I forgot to work in the “Truth Bombs.” If you aren’t familiar with her Truth Bombs — they are like Danielle — dynamic, sexy, a little bad-assy, creative and veritable. A boxed up 134 card deck of one sentence lusciousness written in Danielle’s handwriting, they are meant to be whimsical, to be left for others and to inspire you to create some daily magic. So how could I have forgotten to talk about them? I had envisioned pulling a random card from the deck and having her ad lib — because this is one of the things she does best, run unscripted with inspiration.

The first time I met Danielle, she was speaking at an event in New York City. She took the stage and allowed the audience to call out feeling words to her and the rest was unrehearsed poetry in motion.  

For an instant, I actually contemplated calling everyone back to resume our positions and to record a few more minutes of the interview. Instead, I carried on telling myself things like — everything happens for a reason. It’s all good. You’ve got what you need.  Though it didn’t quite sit with me (and it still kind of doesn’t).

So, I’m laying my cards out on the table — both literally and figuratively. Did I mention that the box cover of the Truth Bombs reads, “Look your desire in the eye?” After a quick meditation, I’m going to pull two cards from my very own deck and share the experience with you. Here goes:

SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT TO SEE IT.
USE YOUR WINGS.

I’ll take that!  Does that resonate with you?

In preparation for this issue and my interview with Danielle LaPorte, I delved into her most recent book, The Desire Map, which is part workbook, part authentic sharing and (predominantly) part provocation — as if she is saying…

Here are the tools, now go off and do something with them.

Danielle’s voice is unique and bold, her message direct, no time for bullshit. The Desire Map will guide you to flip your thinking on its head, to quite possibly flip your approach to your life on its head. Where do you start? By asking yourself, “How do you want to feel?” Of course.  

Is it that simple? Can I chase a feeling rather than an outcome? What do you have to lose? Come along for the ride with the myriad voices of our Best Self Co-Creators. We’ve built an entire issue around the theme of activating your core desired feelings. Delve deeper and check in with your own.

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 04

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Dear Best Selfers:

Awakening… it stirs up something different within each of us. Sometimes monumental and other times subtler…

It is nonetheless often a beckoning from within, gently whispering, it is time to wake up.

In this present moment, I am simply delighted to see the landscape around me awakening to full bloom, its most vibrant potential, following a dark, cold winter slumber. And with it comes a restorative surge of energy. Perhaps these seasonal distinctions mirror the cycles of life, as there are moments of rebirth and others of retreat. Years ago, I heard rumblings about a young woman and something about “Crazy Sexy Cancer”talk. My interest was piquedat “crazy sexy.” As perhaps the unwitting cancer-thriving poster girl, the go-to-resource gal, the green juice maven — our featured cover girl, Kris Carr, transformed her wake-up call into a global self-empowerment brand. Today she is at the forefront of prevention.

Her mission isn’t surviving, it is of living: deeply, profoundly, authentically — in this present moment.

Just aweek prior to our scheduled interview and photo shoot, out on a routine walk with my dog, I spotted something on the distant horizon that caught my attention — a dog in a contraption with wheels, playfully frolicking on a dirt path set amid a mountain landscape with soft breezes and a golden late afternoon light (there might as well have been violins playing softly in the background — it was that cinematic). Hold on a minute, isn’t that Buddy? You know, that Buddy of #GoBuddyGo? Delighted to come upon Kris Carr of Crazy Sexy Wellness, with her husband Brian and their other dog Lola, it was in fact that Buddy. Seeing is believing. While familiar with the Buddy story, it was quite another thing to witness it first hand, like capturing a slice of grace — fireflies in your hand before they slip away.

The interaction between Kris, Brian, and their rescue pup is simply pure love personified. Their paths crossed one fateful day on a mountaintop: a sickly abandoned dog and two guardian angels — the rest is history, gentle and compassionate history. 

They heal each other in ways divinely orchestrated in the cosmos.

We are availed of the opportunity to awaken each day to the gift of love — to be given and to create the space for it to be received. We never know what will cross our path, but rest assured it is there for the taking in each present moment in ways both big and small. Inspired by the work and spirit of Kris Carr, this issue is dedicated to the theme of awakening. And as our unique co-creators share in their distinct voices, it arrives in the most wondrous of ways. 

Are you prepared to heed the call? It’s time to wake up.

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 05

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Dear Best Selfers:

Happy 1^st Birthday Best Self!

Transition is upon us as we celebrate beginnings and acknowledge endings.

Whether demarcated by a seasonal shift or a personal loss, the world continues to spin upon its axis. We can’t stop the leaves from falling, the temperatures from dropping or even prevent our loved ones from passing. In this recent season of change, I lost my own father the very same week that the world lost beloved spiritual teacher Dr. Wayne Dyer. I couldn’t refrain from mentioning the transition of these two remarkable men here in Best Self, as they each, in differing ways, have left a thumbprint upon our pages.

This anniversary issue, featuring the blond-bombshell-ageless-beauty-goddess-Northrup-powerhouses Dr. Christiane Northrup and Kate Northrup, is themed around all things new conversation. 

Being in the presence of the Northrup gals is a true celebration of the soul. From the moment I arrived in Dr. Northrup’s house, I wanted to flip off my shoes and stay awhile. As a matter of fact, that is the spirit in which our interview kicked off, thus setting the trajectory for the rest of our day. It went on to include a soul chat, laughter, exercise, a mini-nap on a Biomat, lunch overlooking the water on a beautiful summer afternoon… oh and a bit of Best Self work was squeezed in as well. Suffice it to say, we were entranced in a Northrup web. What was supposed to have been a few hours stretched playfully into an entire day. 

The Northrups are not afraid to get real – nothing was off limits.

We talked pleasure, breast exams, finances, aging, shame, testicles, health and more than anything, the scripting of a new conversation about taking charge of our personal wellbeing. 

Incredibly generous of spirit — not only with the sharing of themselves, but through celebrating the work of others — they truly stand as testament to living life on their own vibrant terms. I walked away with a big smile on my face that day, and I hope to convey a sense of this to you, my friends.

Seize the day. Tell the people you love that you love them, tango dance, laugh and hold no regrets. What’s your new conversation going to be?

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 07

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Dear Best Selfers:

Happy December! Tis’ the season to be jolly, and to tap into our best selves.

Our cover feature, Nick Ornter of the book, movie and company — The Tapping Solution, is the kind of guy who greets you in his driveway with a big smile and helps carry in the photo gear. He’s also the kind of guy who works hard and has a desk on his treadmill (yes, you read that correctly). As a matter of fact, whenever he emailed me subsequent to our photo shoot, I would ask him, are you on the treadmill? Well in one way or another we are all on the treadmill of life, but it’s abundantly clear that with people like Nick lighting the way with their passionate work – they are paving the way for us to connect and do the same. As Nick jokes (and btw, he has an infectious sense of humor), he is a 10-year-overnight success. 

We often get a birds-eye view into our subject’s lives, as we typically conduct our interviews in their homes. First impression: He’s pretty much an all around happy guy, loves his work, loves his wife, welcomed a new baby this year (which warrants a special shout-out to baby June aka “Mini Me” – the spitting image of Nick) and has built a life around family in both business and his personal world.

Yeah, it all sounds like a a fairy tale (and it kind of is), but it wasn’t always that way for Nick.

He’s worked hard to get where he is – and where he is, is an inspiration to all of us. You can read more about his journey in our interview. 

Best yet, Nick’s built a business around helping you do the same. It was joy to get to know him, AND a joy to reconnect to the power of EFT (emotional freedom technique) otherwise known as tapping. This is a powerful modality for accessing our body’s own ability to heal itself – to get underneath the limiting beliefs holding us back from all that we were meant to be. Check out our video interview – I even did a round with him!

So what are you doing for your holidays, and how are you planning to ring in your new year? I can’t think of a better way to close out one year and usher in a new. 

In the spirit of all things empowering, gift yourself some time to daydream — where do I want my life to go? 

Are you on that path? And if not, there’s no time like the present to shift gears. Step out of the hustle and bustle and tap into your joy. It’s all there hidden beneath some old thought patterns that no longer serve you. You needn’t wait until spring to do some housekeeping. Best part — you can take your tapping anywhere you go.

Now that’s what I call some conscious gift giving. When you gift to self, you gift to others. This is how we shift the world – one shift in consciousness at a time.

Happy joyous, loving, best self holidays! Thanks for sharing this year with us — here’s to an abundant 2016 in all aspects of your life. 

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 08

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Dear Best Selfers:

As in life, often the most powerful moments of our interviews happen off set when the cameras stop rolling and the conversation unfolds organically and unscripted. And of course, I often think back, wishing we had captured them (but this isn’t a reality show). One of those very moments occurred when Marianne turned to our 20-year-old photo assistant Carter, who was holding a reflector towards her at the time, and asked him, “So who are you going to be voting for in the upcoming presidential election?” When he stumbled somewhat with his answer, I had a momentary panic attack fearing where this was going. When he responded, “I’m not even sure I am voting,” my discomfort peaked. 

You see, Marianne, while being a fierce spiritual teacher, author, and lecturer – additionally has a insider’s view into politics and even previously, even put her hat into the political ring when she ran for a seat in the 33^rd U.S. Congressional district in the state of California in 2013. The bottom line…

She doesn’t merely toss platitudes around, she doesn’t simply call for change when she sees a need for it – she actually shows up to be the change. 

What unfolded next in the conversation was not admonishing, but rather in the spirit of being thought-provoking. “You know, not voting is voting – and the reality is that you probably have more skin in the game here than anyone in this room.” She proceeded to speak to him about it the rest of the afternoon, seizing all opportunities to spark something within him. He wasn’t the only one sparked by her words. 

I asked Carter to share some of his thoughts about this exchange – to express his takeaway from that conversation. This is what he said:

“It is easy to lose faith in a system that has become so corrupted; it takes much more effort to be a part of the change back towards health. We all have a responsibility to guide our fellow human towards a better world. This conversation kept me thinking a while, about the state of the world and my place in it, about what it means to be a human being. Political cynicism may be justified, but its not helping anything. It easy to point the finger at the people in Washington making the decisions, but…

The reality is we all have the power to create change and thus the responsibility to do so.

I plan on voting in this coming election.”

Best Self Magazine is dedicated to conversation – starting new ones, opening up old ones and inspiring shift. Prepping for this interview was daunting to say the least – where does one start when celebrating the incredible career of Marianne Williamson? When I first set out, I meditated on it. Having come across a piece she had recently written in the Huffington Post about the current state of the political and spiritual world, I knew this is the Marianne I wanted to celebrate – the one who sees the interconnectedness of our lives. To begin, I went back to a book she had written 24 years ago, one that is deemed a classic by many – A Return To Love – and in honor of Marianne, we dedicate this issue to her life’s work and a return to consciousness (and love of course) for all!

It is with great honor, respect and love that I bring forth our 9^th issue to you!

With loving awareness,

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 09

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Dear Best Selfers:

In life there is resistance, but alas there is also flow. Windows wide open with fresh spring breezes wafting through the air one moment, icy snow on the ground the next — such is life. When life tosses us a snowstorm in April, well – you might as well resist the inclination to ‘resist,’ unless of course there is something you can do about the weather. 

The way in which our cover feature, Dr. Kelly Brogan, entered my world is nothing short of divine intervention. When things align, you feel it instantly – you join the tide of flow and the rest is history.  

Amidst putting together this amazing issue of shift-makers – ‘Holy Fools’ as our co-creator, Gail Larsen calls them – for the very first time, I was unsettled with a perfect cover match. And then on March 15, 2016, the day that Kelly’s book, A Mind of Your Own: The truth About Depression and How Women Can Heal Their Bodies to Reclaim Their Lives, was released, I received a text from our contributing editor, Jennifer Kass, I have your cover! And indeed she did. It takes a Best Self village.

On a day that should have been met with great fanfare and media buzz…there were instead, crickets — a mainstream media ‘blackout’ in terms of coverage for this important message, one that is seriously shaking up conventions. What did Kelly do? She initiated her own grassroots movement online… and within 9 days, when I was sitting on the sofa in her living room interviewing her, we learned she had hit The New York Times bestseller list.

Never underestimate the power of a Holy Fool. Never underestimate the power of a message whose time has come.

You’ll read more about this story in our interview. 

Best Self Magazine has always been a celebration of Holy Fools and their deliberate contributions to sparking change in the world. Joseph Campbell said, The Holy Fool is the most dangerous person on earth because s/he is willing to break from convention to take an action that is inspired from within.

Here’s to Holy Fools, Issue 10 and to welcoming aboard our new Body Contributing Editor, the immensely talented, Chef Danielle Shine!

Speaking your truth, especially when convention is expected, opens the door to your liberation and the liberation of those around you.

~Gail Larsen

With love and a mind of your own, 

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 10

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Vani Hari, the Food Babe, puts her recipes where her activist mouth is and guides us to simple, healthy, real food options 

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Inconvenient facts are still facts. ~ Vani Hari

Vani Hari aka the ‘Food Babe’ has dedicated her career (and life) to unraveling the food industry’s playbook — to taking on the Big Food corporations and tirelessly advocating for truth and transparency… because she learned the hard way in her own life. Hers is truly a story of walking her walk and talking her talk. It is also the journey of how a young woman who was once a workaholic addicted to fast food — landed in a hospital bed. But it is also the story of healing and revealing… and no turning back. 

The truth is that we all know we can do better in the food and health department of our own lives. However, sometimes it just feels daunting to know where to begin. In her latest book, Food Babe Kitchen with more than 100 delicious, real food recipes to change our bodies and lives — she’s got us covered and outlines how we can keep it simple and not have to spend the entire day preparing it. 

Vani takes us by the hand and provides a refreshing approach to being our Best Selves in the kitchen and in life.

We asked Vani a few questions about parenting, pandemics and juggling it all during these challenging times — that we thought might inspire you to jumpstart your own relationship to food and health. Now let’s get cookin’!

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Q: Now more than ever, in this time of global pandemic, the notion of ‘food as medicine’ has never been more salient. What are you doing to keep your family fortified during this pandemic, flu season and generally, all year round? Do you have some go-to favorites?

Like just about all of us, I’ve never experienced anything like what we’re going through in the world today. My wake-up call was over a decade ago. I wasn’t taking care of my health. I worked long hours, ate whatever I wanted, and didn’t pay attention to the toxins in my environment. Eventually, I became very sick. I woke up in hospital and felt awful. I never want to feel like that again. That is when I began taking my health seriously and every aspect of my life improved.

I wholeheartedly believe that food is medicine and how well you feed your body makes an incredible impact on your immune system. 

My new book Food Babe Kitchen gathers together my favorite recipes, the things that I make for my own family every single week — and that they love — all in one place. It’s a way for you to eat healthfully, close to the earth, with the best ingredients that you choose, so when you sit down to enjoy a delicious meal you know what you are eating and you haven’t spent all day in the kitchen. One of the top recipes I make all the time is Harley’s Favorite Smoothie (a blend of kale, banana, pineapple, mango, ginger, and almond butter). This drink is full of anti-inflammatory ingredients that help to keep us healthy. We also love to make Lentil Pasta with Kale — thankfully my daughter Harley loves kale as much as I do! 

We eat lots of vegetables, fruits and real, whole foods including beans and whole grains like steel-cut oats. Thankfully, my husband loves to garden so we have this abundance of fresh produce growing right on our porch and in the backyard. This is important because these foods improve your gut health, which is crucial to a healthy immune system — about 70% of the immune system is located in the intestines. Which is why I also make sure to get in my probiotics daily. Probiotics are good bacteria that help maintain a healthy immune response. You can get your probiotics by eating fermented foods (like kimchi and sauerkraut) and taking high quality supplements.

For the last 15+ years, I’ve started my mornings with a big glass of warm lemon water. One of the key nutrients in lemons is vitamin C. This amazing vitamin fights cell damage and chronic inflammation and strengthens your immune defenses. I believe that drinking lemon water every morning, spiced up with cayenne pepper (which is another natural antibacterial ingredient), has helped to prevent me from getting colds and the flu, among other health benefits.

As a family, we love to spend time outdoors. We take long walks and bike rides on sunny days. This is great for your immune system as well! When your skin is exposed to sunlight it naturally produces vitamin D — this is why it’s called the ‘sunshine vitamin’. Keeping your vitamin D levels in a healthy range has been shown to reduce the risk of contracting the flu, colds, and other respiratory infections too… so it has hidden benefits that many people don’t think about.

I believe that a combination of these factors help my family stay healthy and of course I take all my Truvani supplements. It’s definitely a lifestyle, and not an ‘easy fix’. But once you get into the groove and find what you like, it’s really enjoyable living this way! 

Q: Life for parents right now is complex as they juggle work, homeschooling, household and meal prep. As a parent to a small child (with another on the way) and also as an extremely busy entrepreneur — how do you juggle it all? What’s your philosophy for keeping it manageable, yet setting up families for healthy eating success?

Luckily, our lifestyle has been not too impacted by the pandemic, so I am just continuing as normal. I freeze a lot of staples, things like homemade pancakes, waffles, muffins, soups and tortillas — this helps tremendously with meal prep. In Food Babe Kitchen, I share all the tips on how I do this plus how I warm up all this food without a microwave and store it without using plastic.

Q: How has being home these past months shifted your relationship to food, food systems, meal prep? Any surprises in your world? What are your non-negotiables when it comes to food?

Everyone has a horror story from a few months back when there were massive walls of empty shelves in grocery stores. But when I walked into my local store, I was shocked. I saw more fruits and vegetables than anything else left in the store. The produce section was fully stocked. 

This was a signal to me that we still live in a very sick world. We are relying on processed foods to feed our bodies. We all should be more vigilant about eating as many fruits and vegetables as we can — and avoiding processed foods (especially those with added sugar) to keep our immune systems strong.

Eating vegetables every day is non-negotiable to me. We include them at every meal! I understand fresh fruit and vegetables spoil more quickly than a box of Pizza Rolls — but if you freeze or jar your produce properly you can enjoy it for a very long time.

And you will get so much more value in terms of your health, which is priceless.

This is why the timing for Food Babe Kitchen couldn’t be better. It will show people how to ditch the unhealthy processed foods and get back into their own kitchens again. There’s no better time than the present to take great care of your body and what you put in it! 

Q: If you could wave your magic wand and eliminate one thing in our food system what would it be? And what’s the one thing you’d like to see eliminated from our pantries? What would you insert in its place?

Ooooh, this is an interesting question. There are so many chemicals used in our food system that I’d love to see eliminated because of the pain and disease that they cause. If I had to pick just one, I’d say artificial colors. These are so prevalent and thousands of children eat them daily. This makes me so sad, because parents want the best for their children, but don’t realize the health risks of these dyes. 

Artificial colors require a warning label in Europe that says they ‘May have an adverse effect on activity and attention in children’, and that’s why they are hardly used in those countries. Some countries, like Norway and Austria, have taken it a step further and banned artificial colors, but the U.S. still allows them with no warning. This allows companies like Kellogg’s to continue producing cereals for children like Froot Loops and Apple Jacks with artificial colors in the U.S. market, while they make similar cereals overseas without them. 

Kellogg’s made a big announcement in 2015 that they’d remove the dyes in the U.S. by 2018, but they never did. And, they continue creating new cereals for children, like Baby Shark Cereal, which is made with five different artificial colors. It is unconscionable to me that they would market products with these risky ingredients to toddlers. This is what prompted me to petition Kellogg’s, asking them to replace artificial colors in all of their cereals with safer alternatives (FoodBabe.com/BabyShark). 

I truly believe if consumers knew that these colors are derived from petroleum, what they do to their bodies and how they have been shown to affect children, they would not want to eat them. 

We clearly still have so much work to do and need to keep spreading the truth.

The good news is that artificial colors are completely unnecessary. You can still make colorful food (with all the colors of the rainbow) by using real food ingredients like turmeric for yellow or spirulina for blue. 

Q: What do you think the biggest challenge people face is when it comes to healthy eating — what’s the pitfall? Is it overwhelm? Lack of knowledge? Access to healthy food?

People put their trust in food corporations and diet companies to tell them how to eat. Right after a health crisis in my early 20s, the first thing I wanted to do was lose weight and look better. At first, I believed what everyone else around me was saying and looked to everyone else for answers. They told me I needed to count calories or points, carbs, and fat grams. Although I followed their plan, I always found myself struggling to maintain my weight. Their advice left me with no energy and feeling hungry all the time.

Everything I believed for most of my life was turned upside down as I investigated and looked deeper into what I was really eating. One day it all clicked! 

My biggest lesson learned was that I cannot outsource my health or my food. 

I could not continue letting the food industry dictate for me what was healthy. I could not continue trusting ‘diet programs’, and I most definitely could not trust marketing from food companies and restaurants to help me make my food decisions. As a result, I started to learn how to cook and prepare my own food at home as much as possible.

Learning to cook wasn’t easy for me at first. There was a lot of trial and error! But countless cooking shows and cookbooks later, I’ve taught myself how to create healthy meals with real, whole food ingredients. I’ve never felt better, and I want everyone to feel this way! This is why I cannot wait for everyone to get a copy of Food Babe Kitchen and start making these changes in their own lives. 

Q: Where do you struggle and what’s your workaround?

I’ve got a sweet tooth! When I was a child I loved candy. I always found a way to have some on me, somewhere, hiding in secret cabinets or in my pockets. A lot has changed since then, and now I enjoy sweets in a healthy way — everything from Rice Krispies Treats to chocolate chip cookies can be made without artificial ingredients that come with a long list of potential health risks. Food Babe Kitchen has all my favorite dessert recipes, including the strawberry birthday cake that I made for my daughter’s 3rd birthday that is colored pink with real strawberries! This cake was a hit at her party, and guests commented that they liked it better than the bakery cupcakes I also served that day. Real food really is more delicious than anything artificial and made in a factory. 

Q: What is your wish that we takeaway with this book?

Food Babe Kitchen is a deeply personal project and the most fun book I’ve ever written. It includes all of my go-to recipes that I make with my family at home, and even my mom’s favorite recipes that I grew up with and love so much today. If there is anything that spells out what I’m passionate about, this is it! It brings me so much joy to be able to share a glimpse of this happiness with you. My hope is to show people how to make quick, easy, REAL food meals for their families—and that they love this way of life as much as we do.

5 Healthy & Delicious Recipes

Selections from Vani Hari’s Food Babe Kitchen

Lentil Pasta with Kale Pesto

Sweet Potato Skins

Grapefruit Goddess Salad

Harley’s Blueberry Zucchini Muffins

8-Minute Candy Bars

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About Vani Hari:

Named as one of the “Most Influential People on the Internet” by Time Magazine, Vani Hari is the revolutionary food activist behind foodbabe.com, co-founder of organic food brand Truvani, New York Times bestselling author of, The Food Babe Way, and Feeding You Lies. 

You may also enjoy reading Interview: Vani Hari | The Truth about the Lies We’re Fed, by Kristen Noel

The post What’s Cooking? A Q&A With Vani Hari (Plus 5 Healthy & Delicious Recipes!) appeared first on BEST SELF.

Dear Best Selfers:

They say seeing is believing or believing is seeing (depending upon your mood) — for a reason. You can surround yourself with all of the self-help books, motivational card decks, crystals and trendy new mala beads, but…

The rubber doesn’t truly hit the road until your butt hits the cushion — the meditation cushion that is.

Alas, meditation is becoming all the rage… why? Because what we are doing in our fast-paced lives of quick fixes and distractions isn’t working. Oh, and also because now we have the science to back up the physiological benefits… so we are coming to believe what the Buddhists have known since the beginning of time.

Disclaimer: Meditation isn’t just for Buddhists and there is no need to convert in order to practice, but feel free. Call it prayer or inner connection, call it what you want — but there is no denying the profound impact of carving out the time to quiet your mind and to connect to your best self (couldn’t resist!).

Lodro Rinzler had me at his book title, The Buddha Walks Into A Bar, which is among five he has written. His grounded, humorous, deeply passionate and quirky personality is palpable and literally falls from the pages of his work right into your life — making spiritual text relatable to our contemporary experience. You’ll know what I mean from reading page one of any of his books. And then you will want to hang out with him.

This issue is dedicated to meditation, mindfulness and the sublime new space Lodro and his partner, Ellie Burrows, have created in New York City – MNDFL: a drop-in meditation studio that melds a divine, modern design aesthetic with lasting impact.

Imagine giving yourself a ‘time out’ in the middle of the day – hopping over to the studio, grabbing a cushion and getting your OM on. 

It is literally the quietest space amidst the hustle and bustle of the city that I have ever been in. When I arrived early to our scheduled appointment I had the opportunity to witness the inner-workings of the studio. From the minute you enter the space you are awash with a sense of calm and release. A sign reads, “Get Grounded: Please remove your shoes” and while you are at it, “Free Your Cell / Self: You can check your phone at the front desk.” If you can make it past the first two prompts without twitching, you are in for a treat — and dare I say, you’ll want to come back for more. 

Like a fly on the wall, I observed individuals arriving for their meditation class and afterwards experienced the transformation within them all.

And I might add, it was quite a diverse group. Meditation isn’t about being a part of a trendy club, it is about authentic connection to self and a larger community. But somehow this studio manages to synthesize it all – it is a place you want to hang, it’s a place that brings out the best in you and connects you to others in a genuine way.

There’s a cushion for all – beginners, seasoned meditators and everyone in between. We make time to book everything else in our lives – appointments to get our hair done, our teeth cleaned, the oil in our car changed… what about a little mind-time? As the MNDFL website states “space to breath.” We all need some, so let’s get our meditation on.

With love and OM’s, 

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 11

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Dear Best Selfers,

There are no coincidences, right? So, true to all things Nancy Levin and her new book, Worthy: Boost Your Self-Worth To Grow Your Net Worth — amidst the throes of working on the written interview for this issue, I took an afternoon self-care-matcha-latte-break in town (because I’m worthy of it!). As soon as I set out I was approached by an acquaintance, who excitedly asked me, “Did I see you with Nancy Levin a few weeks ago?” Smiling, I responded. “Yes.” And this was followed by an “OMG, You know her? I love her work and it is absolutely brilliant to see her stepping forward to claim her place in the world” (and spotlight, I might add).

I second the notion.

The encounter made me giddy with delight. Yes, my friend is claiming her rightful place, emerging from the shadows and giving herself permission to be who she was meant to be. Best part? I’ve been witness to the great arc of this journey, much of what we discuss in our interview together in this issue.

Hers is a story of great inspiration — one within which we can all surely find a piece of ourselves. This is her mission.

It is an honor to celebrate Nancy on the cover of issue 12 — not only because of her powerful new book, her message for the world and the ensuing string of professional successes that are unfolding around her — nope. That’s all just icing on the cake. This is a celebration of Nancy the woman, who has not only brought the topic of worthiness to the conversation — but who should add ‘Champion of Others’ to her bio. This is her secret superpower. As she has stepped ahead she has always had one arm extended behind her to pull another forward. I have been personally touched by this and it is with great pleasure that we bring forth this issue strung together by a thread of all things ‘worthy’.

The truth is that when we own our worthiness, we ignite the spark in others to do the same — igniting a worthiness party. And we are all the better for it.

As one of our friends (and a writer in this issue), Kelly Notaras says, it’s about “self-love in real time.”

Go forth and claim your worthiness in all of its glory, my dear sweet best selfers!

#Worthy!

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 12

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Dear Best Selfers,

So, the million-dollar question is: How do we live a good life? And while we are on the subject — what does that really mean after all? Clearly something different to each of us, but the one discernible through line: we want it and will spend much of our lives on the hunt for our own special version of ‘it’.

Jonathan Fields is a pretty cool guy to hang with, so it wasn’t surprising that his new book, How To Live A Good Life: Soulful Stories, Surprising Science and Practical Wisdom (releasing October 18^th), is chock full of down-to-earth metaphors, practical wisdom (and buckets) to help spark something, propelling us a bit further along this path.

In our conversation he quoted a passage that Steve Jobs once said about connecting the dots: “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”

And you’ve got to get out there and live and embrace life in all of its gorgeousness, messiness and humanness to have dots!

We’ve all got dots (some we’d rather dry-erase off the board), but we’ve got them and they tell our story. When we pretend they never happened or bypass them too quickly, we miss a part of the ride. Yep, even those unfavorable ones bring forth great value.

Find your dots, connect them, make meaning of them and let them inspire you to acquire more — all the while enjoying the ride, the good life ride.

This issue is dedicated to all things good life. Go forth and embrace yours, Best Selfers, and may your good life buckets runneth over!

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 13

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Dear Best Selfers,

Weather and traffic — two things we simply have to surrender to. And sometimes when it rains it pours…and you just have to go with the flow (armed with an umbrella or two).

Our cover feature photo shoots are often planned months in advance. We were thrilled when we figured out that we could coordinate with Mike Dooley while he was teaching a weekend workshop at the Omega Institute in the Hudson Valley (our backyard).

I was particularly excited by the timing — as visions of glorious autumn foliage and epic golden light as a backdrop danced in my head. And as luck would have it — an orchestration of colors peaked the week leading up to our scheduled meeting. All was aligned. That, however, wasn’t quite what Mother Nature had in store for us. By the time the morning of our photo shoot arrived, it was grey, cold, blustery and raining — not so cover-friendly and epic as I had planned. Suffice it to say, I wasn’t exactly singing in the raindrops.

I tried to convince myself — it’s fine. It will all work out. It is what it is.

Mensch Alert.

The real lynchpin and thereby success of the day was in the hands of Mike — who graciously and humbly grabbed an umbrella, an extra sweatshirt to warm his Florida blood and was game to play with us in the rain. No airs, no drama, no resistance. It’s in those moments that you observe the true demeanor of people.

And I get the sense that this is how Mike travels through life — game for adventure, willing to try new things, humble and grateful.

Of course, that’s exactly how I had hoped the man behind the delightful Notes From The Universe would be. And he delivered.

The beauty and painstaking reality of creation is often found in the space of total surrender to the process and the elements. As with life, we proceed with intention and a desired outcome and are often met with an entirely different thing. I knew that our photographer, Bill Miles (who also always remains calm in the face of adverse circumstances) would pull it off.

True happiness and success arrives from showing up with our best selves — willing to co-create, willing to release resistance and to dance in the wonder of possibility. Yep, and sometimes that means dancing in the raindrops.

*And special thanks to our friends at the Omega Institute for hosting our photo shoot and interview, for rolling with the punches and for doing what they do each and every day — bring forth holistic healing studies, furthering the conversation for all of us.

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 14

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Dear Best Selfers,

There is a wondrous window one is invited to peer through when entering the personal space of another. One of my favorite things is getting the opportunity to conduct our feature interviews in our subject’s homes.

Their walls whisper stories, their energy envelopes you, the framed pictures on the bookshelves document life, even the teacup sitting on the counter has something to say to you. It is intimate and it is sacred.

Elizabeth’s house, like her, is warm, inviting, unpretentious — the kind that immediately says, hey, let’s just kick off our shoes and cuddle up on the sofa with a nice cup of tea and chat.

That said, here’s my truth…it was also a little bit intimidating.

I was about to sit down and interview someone who has conducted decades of her own interviews, has been interviewed by Oprah Winfrey several times, co-founded The Omega Institute — the mecca of holistic education — and has pretty much been in contact with every spiritual teacher and thought leader in the space of self-empowerment.

And then I was reminded by one of the many beautiful passages in her latest book, Marrow: A Love Story, in which a friend gently guided her through the giving process, the giving of her bone marrow and the giving of her soul to another.

Give from your strength, and give to your sister’s strength. Don’t be the big sister helping the little sister. Don’t be the strong one helping the weak one. Don’t be the fortunate one helping the victim. Give from your strength to her strength. Strength to strength.

Those words comforted me and reinforced the core essence of what it means to be our best selves. Elizabeth was meeting me “strength to strength.” And in doing so, her generosity of spirit fed mine.

When not giving Ted Talks, writing New York Times bestselling books, sitting on the board of Omega, or mothering her family — she shows up and gives of her strength to others, inspiring us to do the same.

Meanwhile, behind the scenes — we were both making our way through post-holiday colds, both hiding tissues and cough drops.

But with a pot of her hot ginger lemon tea and some good ‘ol determination – we met in a space of connection…and once there, remarkably, never coughed during our interview!

We celebrated this beautiful book, the journey of her becoming a bone marrow donor for her sister — the journey to healing on so many levels. And as Elizabeth eloquently conveys, opportunities for true healing and true loving are before us in countless ways big and small throughout our days — in our homes, in our encounters, in our communities and in the bigger world at large.

In the spirit of love, and in the words of Elizabeth’s sister, Maggie, “Be lovers. Love the earth, and love each other. Love comes first.” Strength to strength.

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 15

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Dear Best Selfers,

I’ll have what she’s having. Seriously.

There’s nothing more radiant than standing in the radiance of another — especially when the other drags you along for the party. That’s precisely what it feels like to be in the company of Regena Thomashauer, aka ‘Mama Gena’. You feel it envelope you as soon as you stand in her presence.

I expected her to be provocative (look, the lady named her latest book Pussy: A Reclaimation — which btw shot straight to #1 on the New York Times best-sellers list). And I expected her to be animated, intriguing, gutsy and full of personality. Check. Check. Check. Check. She is all of those things.

What I didn’t expect was the depth of generosity, the warmth, the joie de vivre and most of all — the curiosity. Regena is a powerful lady running a self-made, multi-million dollar business — and yet, she doesn’t appear jaded or as if she takes anything for granted. She has somehow maintained a coquettish sparkle in her eyes — a desire to learn more, to observe, to expand — a thirst to witness your story.

You see this lady isn’t all about ‘her’ party — but rather, she is about the collective one — how when you and I step into our own radiance, we illuminate all that is around us, including each other.

It’s no wonder that Dr. Christiane Northrup called her a ‘woman whisperer’.

I’ll admit, I had my preconceived notions about the ‘P’ word, let alone a book named Pussy. The interesting behind-the-scenes story regarding this is that it actually prodded me to explore precisely that. You see, while reading the book, I toted it around with me everywhere: planes, trains, restaurants and treadmills. I observed my own inclinations to want to hide the book cover in public and I observed some interesting responses from others. The book has done exactly what Regena set out to accomplish: She has sparked a conversation. And that conversation is a much needed one. It is time to step into our radiance and Mama Gena is going to show you how. Are you ready to heed the call — to reconnect to your power, to live full-out?

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 16

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Dear Best Selfers,

People often ask me about the ‘real stuff’, the behind-the-scenes experience I have during our interviews. “What’s s/he really like?” If I had to describe Glennon, I would tell you that first and foremost, she shows up. And she packs a lot of punch in that small body of hers.

From the moment the elevator doors to the studio opened up on the morning of our photo shoot, I took a deep exhale. I knew right away that she was showing up for us, for Best Self, for you, for herself and for as many others in the world that she can possibly impact.

Yes, Glennon shows up.

She showed up with an infectious sense of humor, enthusiasm and humility, ready to play. She also showed up much to my delight, with Abby, her now wife.

Her #1 New York Times best-selling book, Love Warrior is all about the journey of showing up; for yourself and for the ensuing path it leads you down. That journey of the human experience as depicted in the book — is often messy and glorious and everything in between.

And yet, this is where Glennon shines: in her ability to invite us into her story.

In essence, her truth-telling about life’s experiences paves the way and inspires us to do the same — not because it’s easy, but rather because it cracks us open to who we are really meant to be, to what is truly possible. She’s also not afraid to reveal the bumps in her road as she travels through this thing called life.

In our delightful time together, we went there. We talk life, family, politics, over-sharing, activism and as a writer, where to draw the line to refrain from using life as material. Most of all she shares how to live full-on.

Glennon makes me want to be an activist. She makes me want to love fiercely, protect ferociously and show up. She makes me want to be a ‘love warrior’…and that’s something worth fighting for.

Show up Best Selfers, you’ll never regret it!

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 17

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Dear Best Selfers,

Aviva Romm grew up asking, ‘why?’…and has never stopped. It is this very inquisitive nature of hers that led her to spend a lifetime seeking far and wide and through myriad traditions for answers. Raised in a housing project by a single Mom, she never allowed those circumstances to deter or hinder her desire. At 14 years old she sat down and hand wrote a letter to one of the preeminent medical schools asking to be admitted (not down the road, but then as a teenager).

Aviva is a fascinating, ‘Hippie-at-heart’ powerhouse. To me, she embodies what it truly means to heed the stirrings of ones own soul call. Not afraid to course correct or change direction if necessary, her quest for answers bridged natural healing modalities and modern science.

It was never a quest for right or wrong — it was about truth.

She’s gone from being a doula to a Yale graduate MD, and found a way to roll the wisdom and most powerful essence of them all into her practice, her business, her writings and her life. And when systems and practices failed to provide her with answers that were sufficient to her…well, that 14-year-old moxie within her guided her to find her own. Sometimes that meant going into the system to be recognized by the system.

Her latest focus, beyond an already impressive body of work thus far, targets the adrenal thyroid crisis ravaging the modern day woman and society.

I’ve said this before, but one of my greatest joys is sitting down with our Best Self Magazine features in their own homes and in their own environments. It is truly an honor to be invited into that sanctuary of time and space — the intimate window into an individual’s life journey. This modern day woman hear me roar delighted our team when she pulled out the old photo albums with her crunchy granola hippie beginnings — flowy dresses, long hair with flowers, babies and all. She honors each part of the journey as a badge of courage understanding that it has all led to here, assembled into this rich tapestry.

Somehow she’s refreshingly held onto her ‘whys’ and I can tell you we are all the better for it. I think you will be delighted by her story and even perhaps inspired to tap back into your own ‘whys’ as well. Why not?

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 18

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Dear Best Selfers,

Let’s just put it out there. Sometimes we can’t help it, and our preconceived determinations about people, places and things get out ahead of truth. It’s called being human. We see something, we make a snap judgment, that ol’ brain of ours working overdrive.

But then there are the moments where we pause and melt into the grace before us. Within that place, we create the breath to refrain from snap decisions, opinions and assessments of others. This is where the magic unfolds, availing us of a deeper message — and thus answering the question, What am I being asked to see in this moment and to show up for?

So, truth be told…what did I see before me initially sitting down with Lewis Howes? A big handsome, energetic, successful entrepreneur. His imposing, once professional football playing body didn’t initially vibe me as big ol’ sensitive soul. I know. Ridiculous stereotype. But this is precisely what is being called to light right now. This is precisely why Lewis has written his recently released book, The Mask of Masculinity: How Men Can Embrace Vulnerability, Create Strong Relationships, and Live Their Fullest Lives, and more importantly has shared his story in a truly candid and vulnerable way.

The world is shifting and along with it, the old paradigms that are no longer serving us are melting away. This is a call to action to heal. The #metoo movement isn’t just about women. Emotions are not gender specific. And we all need to take a seat at this table. If we want our men to reveal their vulnerability, women must summon their strength and create the space for this to be OK. We say we want men who are in touch with their emotions, but do we really? How are we supporting this?

Imagine a world where little boys can cry and little girls can be fierce.

My interview with Lewis touched me deeply, and often had the ‘momma’ in me wanting to scoop him up and hug away the pain he reveals. It also made me shine the light upon my own participation in this societal dance. In stepping forward to disclose his own childhood trauma and pain, he is forging the path for others to do the same — to heal old wounding, to step forth from beneath the masks we create to survive this human experience — to stop hiding from our potential.

Our souls are calling upon us to show up differently. Are you ready to heed the call?

May the un-masking begin for all of us. #WEtoo

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 19

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Dear Best Selfers,

Food is medicine and if this Best Self journey has taught me anything, it’s that 1.) everything is connected and 2.) food either feeds health or health problems. And that’s a wrap (just kidding).

Admittedly, it wasn’t that many years ago that terms like microbiome, gut health, epigenetics or notions that our bodies can heal themselves and how our genes express themselves is not a foregone conclusion — were not even remotely on my radar.

And while I had grown up eating what I had assumed was a relatively healthy diet and without health problems, I had a great deal to learn.

The bottom line is that our modern world of advancement has also made figuring out what food to eat quite complex. And sadly, it’s getting increasingly more so.

In comes the work of Dr. Mark Hyman, a man on a mission to reform health policy, food systems, connect dots and provide us with the roadmap to figure out what the heck we should be eating (literally). It was an honor to sit down with him and have the opportunity to celebrate his life’s work in the world — and to learn how all roads led to here. And trust me, he’s going at it from every angle: working one-on-one with patients, advising policymakers, testifying before White House Committees, advising the Surgeon General, working with filmmakers and fellow leaders in the field, speaking, teaching, writing ten #1 best-selling New York Times books, and even implementing policy changes like the Enrich Act with our friend Congressman Tim Ryan, to fund the inclusion of nutrition into medical education. (Phew)

Yep, he’s on his soap box, doing his part to get our attention and to help us navigate through the food industry lobbying, nutritional science confusion and corrupt food policies. His latest book, FOOD: What The Heck Should I Eat? is our road map.

Most of all, he’s empowering us to reclaim our voices, to demand better of our food systems and government. With our forks and our wallets we can be the change we want to see in our food and our health on a deeper level. It’s time to step up to the plate (pun intended).

Cheers to that Best Selfers!

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 20

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Dear Best Selfers,

OK, so there’s a first for everything, right? And this was certainly a first for me.

I’ve never known anyone who’s made a bid for the Presidency of the United States before, but I can now check that off my list! Actually I can check it twice because we have two featured Best Selfers, Congressman Tim Ryan and Marianne Williamson, who have both thrown their hats into the political ring for the 2020 election.

And you know what? That’s damn exciting if you ask me.

It’s about time that we see these kinds of messages being brought to the table — and the Oval Office. Because I believe without them, we cannot heal as a country on a deeper and much needed level. We can no longer compartmentalize the things that are most important to us. And for all of our friends across the globe living outside of the U.S. — the trickle down impact of American politics has far reach. Besides, this is also a human conversation.

Finally messages of health, wellness, spirituality, inclusion and most of all, hope, are being brought forth. I’m excited about bright and innovative minds that see the interconnectedness of the big picture.

A few years ago when I first interviewed Tim, he said something that really stuck with me: We have people who want to be one with the Universe, but don’t want to be one with DC.

How many times have you heard people say they just don’t want to talk about politics or that it’s too messy or dirty?

That’s just not ok. We need to show up with our hearts, our wellness woo woo, our compassion, our intelligence, our spirituality, our entrepreneurial spirit, etc. — and do our part and be a part of the conversation. That’s who Tim Ryan is and what he’s all about: restoring the health of the body politic from the inside out.

That’s why we are excited to bring forth this feature of Congressman Tim Ryan — and to remind ourselves why we have to be a part of the change we wish to see. If we don’t, we can’t sit idly on the sidelines complaining.

So instead, let’s imagine a mindful nation of thoughtful leaders who connect the dots body, mind and spirit while walking the political get-the-job-done walk. I don’t know about you, but this gives me restored hope for the future.

These are exciting times we are living in. Let’s find ways to be a part of the conversation.

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 24

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A recent dream reminds me of the journey, the whole journey; where I once was, where I am today (and where I don’t want to go again)

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While away on a recent sand-in-my-toes reprieve to Miami — I awoke from a dream that not only startled me, I actually remembered it quite vividly. Without recounting the entire storyline, I want to share the core message. In the dream I found myself walking through corridors of what appeared to be a hospital. As I hurriedly walked down the hallway searching for something / someone, I peered into open door after open door, yet all the beds were empty.

I found myself standing before a computer screen much like one would while checking in with a receptionist at a doctor’s office. There before me on the monitor was my information. But the info it displayed was all old and outdated.

That’s not my address. I don’t live there anymore.

Panic started to set in because I had been given some sedative and though I kept repeating, that’s not my address…I couldn’t remember my new one. I knew I didn’t live there, but I couldn’t remember where I did. I knew I had to find someone who could recall the address, so I started frantically making calls. What’s my address?

There were many clues for me in this dream that I am still unpacking, but the most profound was in this notion of not living somewhere anymore — and declaring it (yet, being partially terrified of it).

Where do you not live anymore?

This doesn’t have to be about a physical place. It could be a relationship, a job, self-defeating pattern or limited thinking. Where and what have you moved on from? Fifty shades of evolution. Like peeling layers of an onion, we remove what is no longer necessary to get to the potent essence of who we are. And yet, it all matters. It all played an integral role in arriving here in this moment of your life.

What’s that for you? What no longer serves you or is unnecessary?

It’s important to acknowledge the journey — to see how far you’ve traveled, where you have visited (even if you don’t want to ever go back there), and who you have danced with. Oftentimes we leave the past in the past to the extent that we forget just how far we have come…to this place, this YOU.

Traveling has played a big role in my life since I boarded my first Paris-bound plane when I had just turned 16 years old as a young model. Those years of living out of a suitcase moving about the globe were met with both exhilaration and anxiety — newness and the unknown. Life. No one gave me a handbook or showed me how to navigate it all; especially when it came to feelings. I’m sure you have your version of it — your version of ‘winging’ it, on the job training.

You likely have your list of things you’d like to leave right where they are buried in the recesses of your memories. And while this isn’t about having to go back to unearth those things, or take up residency somewhere you no longer live — it is about acknowledging the journey to here, the landscape you’ve traversed, the beautiful awakening that has occurred (and will continue to occur) within you.

We are Best Selfers; we’re hungry for vibrant lives aligned with our highest selves body, mind and spirit.

Yet, even explorers must rest their weary bones and settle into the essence of this single moment before us — and to remember and honor it all. Each piece played a role in arriving here. Sometimes we can even look back at the most unsavory of them and give thanks.

Enjoy the ride, yet never lose sight of how far you’ve come. It’s not all about what’s next. I think the work is not about shaming ourselves or feeling guilty about the ‘mistakes’ and missteps we have made. This is the tapestry of your beautiful life in all of its seasons; the good, the bad and the ugly — all of it.

No, I don’t live there anymore. But I trust that it played an important role in where I stand and where I’m headed.

Remember, you get to choose where to live and what beliefs get to take up residency. I know where I don’t live anymore…you?

Everything in your life — every moment, every struggle — is the path.

~ Pema Chodron

You may also enjoy reading Becoming: Beyond Achieving, Acquiring, Doing…Who Are You Becoming? by Kristen Noel

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Dear Best Selfers,

No Mud, No Lotus

~Thich Nhat Hanh

Vani Hari is no stranger to mud…being the recipient of her fair share of mud-slinging that is!

I first became aware of her long before there was a Best Self Magazine, long before I was connecting my own life dots; body, mind and spirit. When my friend Lysa, a RN, nutritionist and my resident go-to for healthy living advice introduced me to this spunky, gorgeous food activist who was certainly shaking up the food industry and ruffling lots of feather — I knew there was no turning back…mud and all.

Mud? Yes, ever since she began blogging about her food findings — Big Food, lobbyists, ‘front groups’ and many others started to line up to discredit her in any way possible.

They gave it a valiant effort, but Vani Hari, aka The Food Babe, is quite resilient and so is her ‘Food Babe Army’ (which btw, has grown to 1M+).

I first met her a few years ago at a book event at the beautiful Deepak Homespace in NYC for Best Selfer, Congressman Tim Ryan, who was leading a food revolution and bringing mindfulness to the Capitol. When I had a few quick moments with her after the event, I remarked how ironic it was that when she stood to speak at the event, she was standing before a piece of artwork by Thich Nhat Hanh that read, “No Mud, No Lotus.”

We both laughed at the synchronicity, almost as if we ‘got’ an inside joke. And here I was a few years later standing in her living room when I recognized the same piece of art. When I mentioned it, she said, “You know, you were the one that pointed it out to me.” When asked what she wanted by her husband for an upcoming birthday…she was reminded of that piece of art.

It struck me that she remembered our brief conversation and that piece of artwork from that space and that time. How beautiful is that invisible thread that connects us all. Nothing is random or without meaning.

I’m honored to celebrate the work of this incredible woman — her journey of tirelessly calling out the Big Food corporations and advocating for truth and transparency. She’s a woman on a mission — and we are certainly all the better for it. No mud, no lotus.

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 23

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Dear Best Selfers,

Go ahead, play the race card! It’s time to lay those cards out on the table in a new way — one that gets the blood pumping through the heart of humanity again. And we are all being called upon to attend.

Are you ready to show up?

So, how do we have the difficult life conversations? How do we talk about the stuff that makes us squirm? Racism does that to most of us.

I’m not going to sugar-coat the enormity I felt prepping for this interview. Not only did I want to honor the powerful work of meditation teacher, author and Mindful of Race diversity training coach, Ruth King — I wanted to plant a seed within anyone ready to sow new possibility — that we can do this differently, we can heal; the wounds of our lineage, our history and our own hearts.

Racism won’t resolve itself because we are heated up about it. It won’t resolve itself because we ignore its existence. However, a heart opening and healing can emerge if we agree to heed the call; to refrain from looking away, running to take cover, looking for battle or getting defensive. That is precisely the posturing that disconnects us from the ability to glean perspective. And perspective is our only way out.

The teachings of Ruth King are salve for the ailing soul. As she says, “racism is a heart disease and it’s curable.” And she wants to show us how.

It’s probably of no surprise to anyone that this is a heated, highly charged and complex subject. We come to the table with all kinds of preconceived notions, baggage and lineage. Yep, we’ve brought along our ancestry; the ideology and constructs of our families, what we were told, the things we downloaded, the beliefs of others. That’s a lot to bring to the discussion, particularly when it typically lands us in a gridlock.

But just because we think we may be ready to have the conversation, doesn’t mean we are ready. Ruth’s new book, Mindful of Race: Transforming Racism From The Inside Out is the conversation nutcracker. It provides us with the tools to first do our own work; to recognize the roots of our own ideology and where it’s led us.

This powerful book outlines the importance of understanding racial identity (both individual and group identity), dominant and subordinate group dynamics, how to break the cycle of habits of harm, the importance of racial affinity groups and the power of meditation as a tool to claim agency in any moment.

Yes, it’s messy at best and racial suffering will not be resolved overnight, but we can certainly agree that the status quo leaves a bit to be desired. And that desire is to elevate the consciousness collectively.

This powerful lady has something important to teach us, are you ready to join in?

May we heal the heart of humanity.

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 21: Ruth King | Transforming Racism from the Inside Out.

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Dear Best Selfers,

Fine. I’ll admit, there’s a bit of a New York skeptic that resides within me, despite being the Editor-In-Chief of a magazine dedicated to holistic health and conscious living. I call it my ‘devil’s advocate’ litmus test.

I’ve been a fan of Brendon Burchard for years — watching him jump around excitedly scribbling on whiteboards in his training videos, courses and on social media. Could he truly be that happy and energetic?

Yes.

The truth is that Brendon Burchard is excited about everything, seriously. His energy is palpable. His desire to learn more and reach further is insatiable — his commitment to live, love, matter and be his best self — unparalleled. He lights up when he speaks — whether he’s talking about his work, giving a tour of his new offices, talking about his team members or the awesome indie bookstore around the corner. It’s who he is, what he’s nurtured and created.

It left me saying, I want what he’s having — some of that ‘Bring The Joy’ Kool Aid.

There’s got to be a reason that he continues to exceed all benchmarks and that millions of people follow him, gravitate to his online courses, attend his live events, read his books, and resonate with his messages. There’s a reason why we flew across the country to interview him in what I now refer to as his ‘motivation workshop’ in Portland. Yes, he’s unmatched at what he does — but it’s actually pretty simple: he works hard, plays hard, loves hard and just wants to leave the planet better than when he arrived.

And he wants you to do the same.

When asked what he’s most proud of — he answered, “helping others achieve what’s possible in their own lives.” That is what is at the core of his mission. That’s what keeps people coming.

Yep, he’s a man on a mission to get you on your own. Now, I’ll drink to that!

Here’s to Living, Loving and Mattering (repeat).

~ Kristen

Return to Issue 22: Brendon Burchard | Live, Love, Matter

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Are you lost in achieving and far from being? Release yourself from the rat race of ‘doing’ and focus on ‘becoming’…all that your soul truly desires.

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In the morning before your feet hit the ground beside your bed, before you sip that warm coffee (or tea), even before your blood is pumping and you are ready to start your day…any number of things probably dart through your brain like a checklist: to-dos, tasks, agendas…and that ol’ limited thinking. In the quiet of the morn, the chaos of the mind can storm in and take over — and defeat us before we even begin.

Don’t let that happen.

We know where we have to be and what we have to do at a designated time — get the kids off to school, get to work, show up for meetings, attend soccer games, meet deadlines, prepare dinner, walk the dog AND squeeze in self-care, etc. Phew.

Recently, while on one of my walks with a dear friend, the notion of ‘becoming’ came up. WOW, I thought to myself. Yeah, we sure put a lot of dedication, hard work and planning into our ‘goals’; perhaps those include building a business, writing a book, networking and making money.

But that all revolves around doing, acquiring and achieving… what about becoming?

Where does that squeeze in?

When was the last time you asked yourself…who am I becoming? Not what am I achieving, acquiring and doing.

Do I like ME?

Am I proud of ME?

Am I showing up for ME?

Sure, I’m a realist; we’ve got to put food on the table, a roof over our heads, pay college tuition bills and then some. But while that may feel like our ‘real’ job…it isn’t. Who you are becoming and evolving into truly is the single most important thing you will ever do. That version of you affects everything around you, from the people to the planet.

Do you have a strategy for that? When was the last time you assessed that agenda? Hmmm. And by the way, I hear you. I put a lot of things at the top of my list, while my ‘becoming’ slips to the bottom, for when I have time. I promise I’ll get to it later, but becoming isn’t an ala carte item on a dinner menu.

What’s really important to you? Can you shift something in your life to make more room for that…to at least knock it up a few pegs on the list?

Self-awareness is our job. Self-agency is our homecoming.

Healing our wounds heals the world, truly. As they say, hurt people…hurt people. Besides, we can’t heal others, we can only heal ourselves. However, a beautiful thing emerges when we do our own work — we clear space for more of the same, as our journeys and evolution continue to unfold. And we invite others to do the same in their own lives, mirroring a reflection of what is possible for all.

Before you may dismiss this as…look, I just don’t have time for that right now business — I want you to know, it doesn’t have to be complicated. In fact, it’s best if it’s not. It may simply start with a morning prayer, an awareness, a small action. But those things grow, they plant the garden of your Best Self soul.

Consciously be your Best Self and become more of it each day…you will smile more, laugh more, breathe more, see more, give more, feel more, love more — become more. Yes, I want more — more of that please! That’s what I’m becoming…YOU?

You may also enjoy reading It’s Time to Fly: Facing Our Fears and Letting Go, by Kristen Noel

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Taking a deep breath is about more than just calming the nervous system, it’s about resetting our emotional framework. It’s about inhaling gratitude and healing.

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Go ahead, take a load off and give yourself a break (I’m serious).

I’ve been inspired of late by this notion of taking a breather…probably because, I need it (and you just might, too) and sometimes I need to remind myself what’s really important. To-do lists, perpetual motion, engaging in life’s drama…or not. We get to choose and we can stop over-complicating things for ourselves.

Don’t let the simplicity of a single action — a choice to momentarily press pause and step out of the chaos — overshadow the power of its reach to transform you at any given moment, in any given circumstance.

No, we can’t always control the circumstances we find ourselves within, but we can decide how we are going to navigate them. Fortified or frenzied; choices, choices.

I always say the seeds of Best Self Magazine were born of my own need to call forth healing in my life — and I wasn’t kidding. And what a learning, healing, revealing, connecting-the-dots journey it has been. And boy, oh boy, did I spend a of time going about this the wrong way.

You may not know that my last 16 years have been spent on a construction site wearing a hard hat — it was my life that was under reconstruction; literally rebuilding from the ground up after losing everything. I share this because it stands as the ultimate excuse-buster and beacon of possibility. At a time when I was scrambling to reassemble the pieces of a broken life, I didn’t have tools to rely upon, the resources to lean on or the wherewithal to know which way to turn…so I kept scrambling, oftentimes in the same circles, coming face-to-face with the same results and exhausting myself.

Does any of this sound vaguely familiar?

Though even before I had the slightest understanding of the mind, body, spirit connection, I was holding onto a morsel of hope that life could be different, that I could change the narrative from the one I felt victimized by and stuck in.

But how?

Just start… somewhere, anywhere, take a deep breath…give a little thanks (for anything). Giving thanks was once a life preserver and the only thing I could hold onto. Today it’s a practice. It can be dismissed in its simplicity and yet it is salve for the soul — to be given and received, every breathing moment of our lives.

A ‘Best Self Breather’ is a detour from the chaos of your human experience — no matter what the experience. It is found in awakened awareness, in gratitude and in the little things. Little things are not only big things — they are ‘every’ things.

It’s a pivot; a reset, a recalibration, a moment of grace…and I want to let you in on a little secret — it doesn’t have to cost you anything, but comes with enormous benefit. As a matter of fact, the notion of this first emerged for me (and saved me) at a time in my life when I felt like I had nothing. A time when I had to rely upon myself to choose feeling good, seeing beauty and striving for healing — or choose suffering.

Eventually, I found tools and I made breakthroughs. And when I began to taste that sweet nectar, there was no turning back and thus began my quest home to my Best Self. But I need to remind myself all the time. The difference is that today when I start to feel that spiral down, I stop and I observe my thoughts, my words, my actions. Do they reflect who I am, who I want to be, how I want to show up…?

Reset. Look around. Grab something to be grateful for and hold it tight until you feel yourself exhale.

I know what it feels like to lose everything, I do. I also know what it feels like to find my way back. And when I slip, I remind myself what I’m capable of.

No, a ‘Best Self Breather’ won’t solve the problems of the world, but ‘Best Self Breather’ moments strung together begin to tell a new story, create a new perspective — most of all, a transformed reality. We will face life obstacles throughout this journey…but it is HOW we face them that matters most.

I share this with you because, well, if I could do it, so can you.

And when you start making time for breathers and seeking gratitude, it’s like a whimsical game of hide and seek with the Universe. Do you think she caught that one? Put another one over there. Seek and ye shall find.

And trust me, nothing can shift you like a bit of joy that rises up in your belly and fills you.

It can be found reading a passage from a book that deeply resonates with you. Have you ever read something that you thought was written specifically for YOU, whose words jump from the page into your soul? You can find it walking across a room and witnessing a glorious ray of light reflecting on a vase of flowers. It can be found in the woods surrounded by trees, on a city sidewalk, sitting in your car in traffic, waiting online to pay a barista for your coffee. There is always something, somewhere to be grateful for. They can be momentary breaks or expand into longer periods of your days.

Let your breathers lead the way. Trust me, they will. Even reading this is an acknowledgement that you seek them too. Insert them into the fabric of your precious life, your daily routine, your beautiful being…and keep inserting them.  

You may also enjoy reading Tenderly Holding the Bitter & Sweet: Finding Gratitude Within Life’s Beauty and Pain, by Indira Abby Heijnen

The post Best Self Breather: A Moment of Gratitude, A Tool For Life appeared first on BEST SELF.

Worry begets worry. It doesn’t solve problems. What if instead, you could gather up your fears, anxieties and worries and hand them over to someone else?

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Recently on the phone with my Aunt, I told her about my ‘God Box’. What’s a God Box you ask (and so did she)? Well…

Let’s face it, we reach life saturation points from time to time, perhaps more often than we like. For myriad reasons we hit a wall; those I just don’t have time (or the capacity) to deal with this right now moments. Sometimes I even feel caught between a tug-a-war of feeling jaded by self-help modalities (been there done that) and excited by the prospect of something new (the eternal optimist).

As a job perk, I get exposed to amazing people doing amazing things in the world all the time. And like many other living, breathing humans walking this life journey — I’m perpetually on the quest for answers to all that ails me. That is of course when I am not stuck in the above busyness mode.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think life is a perpetual quest. In fact, I think it’s necessary to absorb and assimilate. In other words to breathe into the experience of life and process, otherwise life will be exhausting and unfulfilling. Just as you accomplish one thing, you are onto the next, having forgotten to savor both the ride and the rest.

That said, when you wake up to the power within you to heal and make connections, body, mind and spirit — when you seize your power to shift out of limited thinking and unworthiness, when you identify wounds and understand your ability to break old chords that bind you to repeating patterns (some you may have inherited) — you come home to self (your Best Self) and there’s no turning back. And you want more!

But even within all of that life renovating, we need reminders to trust the timing and God, to discern what we can control, where we can impart change and where we can’t — and in particular, what isn’t ours to worry about.

Now let’s talk about God (and I’m getting to the God Box, I promise). This is non-denominational. I know that when many think of God it triggers emotional baggage — fear, shame, guilt, family history, dogma, etc. In the book I’m currently reading, It’s Not Your Money by Tosha Silver, she suggests that, for those who are spiritually curious but averse to conventional religion, it may help to choose your own words that resonate.  

I was drawn to this book because, well, money is a pain point for me. I’m always looking for ways to dive deeper into healing my old wounds and that can help me recognize those triggers. Trust me, I read plenty of books, pray, meditate, journal, use EFT (tapping), do deep spiritual dives, etc., but something really registered with a prompt in Tosha’s book…creating a God Box.

This may sound so simple (and it is), but it’s also precisely where we get caught up and overcomplicate things.

In the book, she suggests taking a box of any sort. Each time a worry, fear or negative thought comes up, write it down on a piece of paper and put it in your box…and turn it over to God to figure out.

Voila! That’s it.

The act of owning your fear, writing it down and giving it over to a higher source can be incredibly cathartic. I’m not suggesting that you are not an active participant in your life. However, this exercise creates the space for you to momentarily interrupt your thinking, to catch yourself, to claim it and call it out and to ask for help reconciling it. These are the kinds of steps that break patterns and reroute behaviors.

The other day, a worn-out worry popped up for me mid-conversation and I just interrupted it, wrote it down, and slipped it into my God Box. You’d be surprised how one fear leads to exposing a few more. One thought unleashes a slew of them. All that to say, my box is filling up.

While I’ve only been doing this for a week or so, I can’t give you any conclusive findings. I can tell you that it has been oddly comforting — and things have been shifting in subtle, but noticeable ways for me. I’ve also committed to telling the truth without explanation or editing. And the simpler, the better. Just put the raw emotion on the paper and give it to God.

I’m a natural born do-er, fixer and one who rolls up her sleeves and gets in there. In other words, sometimes I try to muscle my way through things that aren’t mine to fix. What if we considered a different approach all together: Let go and let God. Hmmm. I’m liking this ‘God Box’ idea. Want to join me? What do you have to lose…some anxiety, worry, fear, limited thinking?

You may also enjoy reading Worry vs. Mindfulness: A Life Lesson, by Judy Marano

The post A God Box: A Practice For Surrendering Worries & Fears appeared first on BEST SELF.

Coming face-to-face with a bin of photos from the past that had been hidden away, uncovers emotional healing and personal reclamation

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This summer, clicking through the channels on TV with my son, I came across a series that CNN was airing; The Eighties, The Nineties, The 2000’s, etc. It highlighted everything from world politics, music and film to celebrity, fashion and trends — it painted a picture, a time capsule of sorts. The plastic storage bin in this photo, that has been sealed with packing tape and tucked away under the bed in my childhood room, was my ‘Nineties’…and I haven’t looked at it since.

I recently pulled it out, dusted it off and cracked it open. Aside from the immediate entertainment factor, OMG, look at me amazement, I was actually shocked that I hadn’t dove into this before. Yes, this is what pre-digital life looked like; piles of prints that were the result of rolls of film being dropped off to be developed. Remember when we thought we were so technologically advanced when film processing could be turned around in an hour? We never could’ve imagined that one day our phones would not only provide us with instant gratification — we’d have the capabilities to edit, crop, filter and perfect every image we put forth…and thus the stories that went along with them.

Of course I was amused looking through this, but I was also incredibly intrigued by not only how much I had forgotten, how many people I was no longer in contact with and how many others had passed away — but what I was supposed to do with it all now? It was a mixed bin of feelings to say the least.

Our lives are full of chapters; some more memorable than others. Some we choose to hold onto, some we’d like to kick to the curb.

Been there done that, get it (truly).

But our lives aren’t iPhone editable. We can run. We can hide. We can deny old stories and truths about ourselves. We can toss boxes of photo albums and diaries documenting pieces and parts of our stories under our beds or in dark closets and pretend that they aren’t a part of us. But it doesn’t erase them or their role in our sum total, our whole being.

The chapters of my life have been demarcated by professions, husbands and dramatic events.  And once I had entered the next, I thought I had shut the door behind me — adios to the last. But between those ‘big’ events were all of the significant little ones; the choices made, the feelings felt, the paths taken — each a critical ingredient in the recipe of our lives.

Sure, your taste buds can change and evolve, but we can’t pretend away our past (and though at certain times this is hard to believe…you don’t really want to).

Everything about the 1990’s was big for me — big money, travel, love, success, pain and plot twists. At the beginning, I was at the pinnacle of my modeling career, but by the mid-nineties I would decide to walk away. I would end one marriage and enter a new one. I would make abrupt shifts from traveling the world to working in a law firm and going back to college. I thought that in order to navigate these transitions I needed to be ‘all in’ — to let go of one thing to begin another. But it was all a part of me. It couldn’t be edited out.

Now when I look at this box, I sigh and I’m grateful that it still exists. Growing up in a world pre-Internet and social media, we didn’t document our every move or morsel of food we put into our mouths. This box tells the stories that the journals from that time, that I long ago destroyed, can no longer tell. It reminds me of my journey to here. It helps me recollect the essence of the young life-adventurer who didn’t know where it was all heading, but kept on truckin’.

Instead of being in such a hurry to grow up, to arrive at a certain destination — I could now scoop it all up; the shame, fear, guilt, unworthiness, and self-admonishment. And I could hug it all and her, the brave young girl who once got on an airplane headed to Paris by herself 2 months after her 16^th birthday. She got me to here. She laid the breadcrumbs out on the path for me to retrace decades later.

I owe her an apology.

But I think she already knows that because in opening this bin…together we laughed and cried and remembered it all.

This time was different. I closed the lid, taped it back up for safe-keeping and carried it to my car. It was time to come home…precious cargo.

No matter where you’ve been, no matter what you’ve been through, no matter how many wrong turns you’ve taken…it all led to here, to you in this moment — desiring to see it all, to reveal its deeper meaning, to show up as your Best Self, and to embrace and embody the value.

And to stand as a testament to the fact that you are strong enough to handle what came before you and what’s on the path ahead.  

If you’ve got a bin under the bed or in the attic, whatever your equivalent may be — crack it open. Travel down memory lane with self-compassion and gratitude for the ride. It all matters. You matter through all your incarnations. You are precious cargo.

You may also enjoy reading Freedom From Our Un-Serving and Negative Thoughts, by Annette Quarrier

The post You Can Store It, But You Can’t Hide: Embracing Your (Whole) Past appeared first on BEST SELF.

How letting go of an old car brought up memories, attachments and most of all, thanks. It’s not the stuff we need attaching to, it’s the gratitude.

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I’m probably the only person who would burst into tears on the way to pick up a new car — and then come home and write about it. Yep, that’s me. I literally had tears streaming down my cheeks as I pulled into the car dealership. And of course, a sentimental song played through my rudimentary radio speakers as a last serenade on the way there. They weren’t tears of excitement, they were of parting. Goodbye ol’ friend.

I know we aren’t supposed to have attachments to things and in most instances, I really don’t. But I’ve been driving that car for over 10 years. My attachment to her is sentimental…not practical. Heart not head.

We’ve literally driven through a lot of life together — ups and downs, feast and famine, fear and faith. We took care of each other. No, she was never the latest luxury model off the lot, she was a solid-as-a-rock SUV that I leaned on.

She was my ‘soccer Mom’ car and we had each other’s backs.

I always laughed that we were kindred spirits — and that both of us were holding up better than our age! Ha.

I had no reason to consider replacing her, until recently when it became abundantly clear that it was time to shift. The writing was on the wall — and on the auto repair bills. Even when we don’t like letting go of things, they have a way of letting us know: it will be OK. The time has come. Things end.

It sounds a bit silly for one who never put a great deal of emphasis on the kind of car she drove, to suddenly get completely mushy about it. However, it wasn’t about the car per se, it was actually about the immense gratitude I had for the ‘ride’ and each and every memory that has led me to here.

You see, those imperfect car panels held those memories and they all came flooding back as I patted my dashboard, as I regularly did, and gave my final thanks before bidding her adieu.

Thanks for 150,000+ miles, for keeping my family safe, for getting me from many point A’s to many point B’s. For transporting a little boy (who grew into a man) between countless sporting events. For all the road trips. For allowing lots of rowdy, sweaty kids to squeeze in. For helping the resident teenager pass his driver’s test. For driving us to the airport when we took said teenager to begin his first year of college. For all the hospital visits to see my Dad before he passed. For bringing home the ashes of our beloved family dog. For the muddy boots, the skis, the bikes, the luggage, the sandy feet after trips to the beach, the grocery bags and camping gear. For navigating mountain life and snowy winters. For it all. For being a time capsule of my heart.

Even as I hurriedly emptied out the car before trading her in, I pulled things like doggie poop bags from the glove compartment for all those ‘just in case’ moments. Our sweet girl has been gone for over a year — though a jolt, it was like receiving a nod hello from my furry friend. And I don’t know where this was hiding, but I actually pulled out a baseball — and with it a video stream of memories.

It’s not the attachment to the stuff, it’s the attachment to the stuff that happened within the stuff.

A car is just a car until it carries your precious cargo.

It’s about allowing yourself to sink into profound gratitude and to feel it all up.

And trust me, sitting in my brand spanking new hybrid car with all of its bells and whistles, oozing of new car smell, helped ease the sting of sentiment. Yes, chapters end, but I wanted to jot down these feelings because our lives are chock full of ‘stuff’ that has become a part of the fabric of our hearts. Most of them fade into the background of daily life unnoticed. Notice them. You won’t regret it.

When we allow ourselves to give thanks for the seemingly innocuous things sprinkled about us, it’s a good day even if you shed a tear or two. New car, you’ve got some big shoes to fill.

You may also enjoy reading Losing My Beloved Dog: A Love Letter to Guiding Eyes, by Terry Funk-Atman

The post Celebrating The Life Ride: An Ode to My Old Car (and Some Attachments) appeared first on BEST SELF.

How a chance encounter with a stranger shifted my perspective on ‘being’ — and how I wanted to ‘be’ in the world

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I’ve recently been thinking a lot about striving. Doesn’t it seem like we’re always hustling for something bigger, brighter, shinier, more — more money, more followers, more likes, more love, more stuff? Sometimes we simply need to take a break from strategizing and slip into more ‘being’. But let’s face it, that takes practice because we’re pretty accustomed (and addicted) to life set on high octane. We all have our version of it.

That mindset distracts us from our true desires and soul call. However, the easiest way to point yourself back in the right direction is to either get still or get silly and have some fun (or perhaps a combination of it all) — which reminds me of one of my all-time favorite stories of playful giving.

One afternoon driving to an appointment, after quickly scoring a parking spot and having just parallel-parked my car successfully the first time (a feat in itself) — I glanced quickly at the clock on the dashboard. I was early. So what did I do? After digging into the blackhole of my handbag for a handful of quarters to feed the meter, I sat there and scrolled through my phone to make sure Oprah hadn’t sent me an email. Ha! I jest, but the urgency and frequency with which we check our electronic devices tells a different story, doesn’t it? (Wink) I digress.

It was late in the day, the sun was low in the sky and sending glowing beams straight through my windshield. That’s probably why we didn’t see each other at first. When I glanced up, there was a shadowed figure standing before my car and my parking meter. Panic. Am I getting a ticket? But before I could defensively respond and release myself from my seatbelt he was gone. He never saw me sitting there in the car. Perhaps he too was blinded by the ‘light’.

I was stunned when it finally clicked and I realized what he had done.

This kindly, older gentleman who happened upon an expired meter just fed it with a few coins dug out of his pocket…just because.

He didn’t know me, or recognize my car, he wasn’t a meter reader or a traffic cop — he was a meter fairy.

I couldn’t make out his face, but I remember the notable gait to his stride as he disappeared down the sidewalk. He boasted a somewhat childlike, impish energy and left a trail of happy behind him. He wasn’t looking to be noticed, he was just ‘being’ — being thoughtful, being considerate, being his Best Self and chuckling to himself as he did it. And I wanted to know more about his ‘just because’ being. Quarter by quarter, he was making an impact in someone else’s life whether they realized it or not. 

Sometimes the embodiment of being isn’t all about what else we need to be doing for ourselves or what else we need to be achieving or acquiring. Sometimes it is found in what we can be giving and sharing.

Think of an expired meter as ‘time’s up’ on some old thinking. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to tap a little more into that life force energy; to be more connected, caring and loving.

Time was up on my meter and an old way of thinking. What I longed for more of: to capture some of that energy – making magic out of the mundane, being present and amused throughout my day, no matter what. I still think of him and smile whenever I see a parking meter.  And now, my eyes are open and on the lookout for my own fun…and to pay it forward.  Expired meters beware. I’m coming for you! I hold loose change in a new regard.  Only a few random quarters…but oh the possibilities.

You may enjoy reading other short articles of inspiration in our Best Self Bytes section.

The post Be a Meter Feeder In Parking Lots (and Life): Finding Extraordinary in Ordinary appeared first on BEST SELF.

After being contacted regarding a #MeToo article, a former fashion model revisits her own story and finds inspiration to shift the bigger picture narrative

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I don’t talk a lot (if ever) about my former modeling career. It feels as if it’s a distant and closed chapter, long tucked away like the heavy portfolio I used to tote around on ‘go-sees’ as they were called, which were appointments to see clients. Yes, this was long before the digital era, long before selfies, mobile phones, social media and iPads and constant connectivity by virtue of our electronic devices. Calls were made from public payphones. Modeling was real. Very little, if anything was ever retouched. Photos were shot on film and carefully rushed by nervous assistants to photo labs to be developed at the end of the shoot day. There were no filters and there was actually something raw, simple and pure about it. Unlike today.

But within that purity and that lack of digital interconnectedness, lay a world where information was hard to come by and deviant behavior could go unknown. There were no online forums, no cross-referencing and researching — no way for young models to warn each other about smarmy photographers or agents or any other number of predators aside from the good ol’ fashioned way: word of mouth.

When I ended my career promptly after my 30^th birthday, the tides were changing and so was I. The ‘waif’ look was in and I was far from a waif or a wannabe. My heyday came in the glamourous early 90’s — make-up, big hair, curvy bodies. It was a celebration of womanhood. Until it wasn’t — and heroin chic was all the rage. Even though an emerging new market celebrating real women of real sizes was coming around the bend — I wanted out. Next chapter.

It’s interesting how seemingly ‘random’ things can pop up in our lives (and our inboxes) that we can summarily dismiss as being either insignificant or perhaps even irritating. Note to self: These are always the things to pay attention to.

I’ve recently been contacted a few times ‘out of the blue’ by reporters from reputable media outlets inquiring about my experience as a fashion model in the 1980’s – 90’s in Paris (and in particular, my interactions with certain modeling agents). Let’s just say this inquiry isn’t about celebration, but rather of questionable conduct…of which there was much. But that’s no new story. Yawn.

So why now? Is it a piggyback upon the #MeToo movement?

These inquiries made me both roll my eyes and get a bit frustrated. It was a long time ago. I quit modeling 20 years ago after a 15-year career. That chapter is closed.

Besides, what’s the objective here?

Yes, there are countless stories I could tell about sleazy European modeling agents who were entrusted with the lives and careers of young innocent models from around the globe who arrived bright-eyed, naïve and with a suitcase full of dreams. I could share the tales of physical and emotional abuse, and unscrupulous practices. I could uncover the ugly underbelly of the seemingly glamorous image-making industry. I could tell stories of rich playboys, drugs and even an American model in Milan who was sent to jail for killing an Italian playboy I knew. But those really aren’t my stories to tell. They aren’t my experiences. They weren’t my abuses. My abuser, my Paris agent, died several years ago. I still squirm at the memory of his groping hands, his emotionally abusive tactics and his nightly attempts to visit my bedroom when I was only 16 years old.

And yet, still, the journalists reach out leaving me messages on all my phones (I’m surprised at their resourcefulness) and by email.

Walking one morning with a friend, I mentioned the outreaches. I told him how I was being pursued by phone and email…and how I deleted messages and left emails un-responded to. This long-winded set-up is simply because he turned to me on our walk and said, Well, what if you could spin the story to serve others? Instead of feeding into the exposé nature of the inquiry, what if you got to express the things you do feel positive about sharing?

That stopped me in my tracks. Those words spoke to me.

Those sentiments gave me back my power and even made me contemplate the possibility of tip toeing back into that old chapter to take a peek — and connect to a forgotten piece of myself.

Like reaching back to hold the hand of my younger self, I could share things not motivated by being a part of a salacious article, not by jumping on the band wagon and commiserating for commiserating’s sake — but rather sharing because it could potentially be a part of shifting a narrative that needs to be shifted.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t believe stories shouldn’t be told and wrongs shouldn’t be ‘righted’ — that abusers shouldn’t be called out and held accountable. But if I’ve learned anything along my own life journey, it’s that there is always more to the story. Far too often we move through the chapters of our lives like checking to-dos off our lists. Done. However, that’s not how healing works. That’s not how we use our experiences and feel what is necessary.

It makes me question how I can parent myself better, how I can nurture feelings I may have suppressed and wounds I have left raw and untended. Shoving something to the back of the closet and declaring it as ‘the past’, doesn’t make it go away. Shaming, guilting or beating up ourselves doesn’t make them disappear — if anything it prolongs unnecessary agony. Our life chapters unfold as they do for a reason and they have led us to here, in this present moment.

So, why they are reaching out to me isn’t the only question. What am I going to do with it, is really all that matters. Like catching fireflies, the moment can slip through my fingertips or it can be seized. Encouraged by my friend, I chose the latter.

Of course, hind sight is 20/20. Of course, I wish I had made some different choices. And surely,   one-off abuses happen. However, there are industries like modeling, acting, performing — where abuses are pandemic and built into the fabric of their very foundation. Why is that an accepted norm? Why do we laugh about the ‘casting couch’, yet become outraged with the #MeToo movement? We can’t have it both ways. Are we in or are we out? Do we read about the perpetuation or do something about it? And even outside of those industries, abuses take place in work spaces everywhere. The big question isn’t is this happening…it’s why and what do we plan on doing to shift it?

How, where, when are we going to show up differently for ourselves and others?

Maybe just maybe, when we nurture our own wounds we can do the same for others and we can show them how to do it for themselves.

We can empower young people to trust their guts, to listen to the wisdom of their bodies and help give them voice. We need to talk to them and we need to protect them. We need to do better.

It’s kind of ironic that our technological conveniences have actually complicated life, interactions and our connection to our emotions. The information is there and yet, detachment still thrives.

It took me almost 3 weeks to respond to the one email I must’ve forgotten to delete. As I stared at it on my computer screen, I danced between the quick press of the delete button (making it and all its stirrings disappear into the ethernet) and a thoughtful response. And btw, of course, the skeptic in my did a quick Internet search on the reporter just to make sure he was legit (because in 2019, I am availed of that privilege). But it finally dawned on me having been sparked by the conversation I had with my friend, deleting didn’t feel empowering. It felt like I was stepping away from being the change I wanted to see in the world.

When we don’t show up at the table, we can’t shift the needle and impart change.

We don’t need more stories. We know the stories. We’ve all heard the stories. We need to explore the underbelly of why so we can change the stories. We all need to look at the societal role here and our part in the production. Where are our priorities — on celebrity, the Kardashians, on the insatiable desire for acquiring more stuff? Where were and are the parents in this equation? Why weren’t young girls telling anyone what was happening to them in the 1980’s – 90’s and clearly still aren’t?

We can also empower ourselves by doing something about it — not just by calling it out, but by leading a different way. Yes, changing the trajectory of any narrative requires showing up and telling our truth. Years ago when I was first sparked to begin writing my inspirational memoir, an epic phoenix-rising-from-the-ashes tale — a close editor friend, Nina, encouraged me to write more story. The notion made my skin crawl. I didn’t want to tell more. I wanted to share ‘just enough’, and tell others what to do and move on.

Oh how the Universe must’ve been laughing. Today, I fully recognize and guide authors to embrace the golden thread that weaves through Best Self Magazine: story. We hear and learn differently, in a much more impactful and authentic way via story. Good story transcends whether it’s yours or mine — it enfolds us all. It speaks Universal truth and connects us in unimaginable ways. It reconnects us to our power and to what is possible no matter the circumstances.

Of course my friend Nina was right. Of course I needed to tell more, but the timing was all wrong. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t healed. I wasn’t making the connections. I was still partially asleep…and most of all, I was still in it. I was still stuck in the weeds of my own healing. And that’s ok. It’s just not the time to tell others what to do.

Chapters are meant to be traveled through. We aren’t meant to get stuck in one. They are fluid and evolving. But when we are wounded, we seek refuge and hide — unless we have the tools to nurture ourselves back to health, we often try to tuck them away, out of sight out of mind. That’s not how our healing works, and yet we are surprised when things pop back up in our lives and transport us to a forgotten land.

The irony isn’t lost upon me. And as I have picked my own memoir project back up after tabling it for years — suddenly, this chapter emerged again in real time.

Now, that doesn’t mean I’m going to pull out the old portfolios, but the timing is poignant for me. While I once hid (not even having any social media accounts), I now have reconnected with many model friends from back in the day. I’m no longer hiding, I’m going to use my voice to do something productive and empowering with my experiences.

I didn’t delete the email from the reporter; instead, this is what I sent him:

The abuses of the modeling industry is not a new story of which I honestly have little more to contribute than I ever did. I have been out of the fashion industry for 2 decades now and essentially have no interaction or connection to it any longer.

That said, what does interest me is a different twist…

What do we do to change it? Why is it still going on? Is it still going on? And if so, what does that say about society and the role we all play within it?

When I first went to Paris as a 16-year old, I didn’t have a mobile phone to text or call anyone. I didn’t have a computer to email or do a Google search. Life by virtue of the digital world (or lack there-of) should be playing a contributing factor in this equation.

I don’t have any salacious personal stories to share. I never experienced the degree of abuses being reported about. But what I am interested in is the other story — not just the ‘me too’, but rather the ‘what now’.

Perhaps your story is long written by now, but if you ever want to delve into the other story, let’s talk.

I never heard back from him. Clearly, this wasn’t the story he wanted to tell. But that’s OK. I don’t need him to tell it, I can speak for myself. It takes a village to lift one up, and yet that same village can also turn a blind eye. At some point, we need to decide what kind of village we want to be.

The chapters of our live are filled with proverbial forks in the road where we were faced with taking one path or another, choosing to go this way or that. Sometimes we may have regretted it. Perhaps we’ve beaten ourselves up about those choices. Sometimes we can’t let it go. But each and every one of those choices has informed who we are and how we got here despite the bumps, bruises, derailments and growing pains.

We are where we are…so now what? I always try to remind myself, Are you going to be used by the events of your life or are you going to use them?

Meaning is made. What can you do with the pieces and parts of your life that has been hidden away?

I don’t know if I’ll ever hear back from this reporter. It doesn’t really matter. His outreach reminded me of who I am and how I want to show up in life for myself, my son and others. It’s an awesome opportunity, one we are each availed of every time we’re challenged.

Let’s tell new, empowering stories. It’s not about revisionist history…it’s about seizing the meaning from the history we’ve had and consciously paving the path ahead. That’s how we shift the tides and create real legacy.

The post From #MeToo to #WhatNow: A Former Fashion Model Puts The ‘Self’ Back In Self-Empowerment appeared first on BEST SELF.

Weeds like life issues, though unwelcome at first, can present unexpected opportunity, possibility and healing perspective

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At first glance, weeds in a garden bed are about as welcome as messy little problems in life. They all need tending, yet they also bring opportunity.

Though I am certainly not known for my green thumb, cooking or gardening, I have certainly learned the merits of getting my hands dirty. Each year I plant a few ‘manageable’ flower gardens that require minimal tending so that I can have the best of both worlds: flowers and a life.

And perhaps a surprising little fact about me: one of my favorite things to do is weed.

Weeding gets a bum rap and can actually be incredibly satisfying. As I am more of an instant gratification kind of gal…I like to see the fruits of my labor in real time. So weeding works for me. But beyond the tidying up aesthetic — getting your hands in the dirt helps the noise of the world fade away. Truly.

It’s a go-to for me when I need a ‘time out’ — like those moments when you are about to explode or feel you are banging your head against a wall. That’s when I step out my back porch and get to work. Sometimes I grab gloves, sometimes I just dig in. Sometimes I even stand barefoot in the grass while I do it for extra grounding.

It’s amazing what you can accomplish in 5 minutes, even more amazing to see how connecting with Mother Nature almost instantly calms the nervous system.

Yes, I find myself breathing, becoming more aware of my present moment and surroundings and have even found myself humming on occasion. Now that’s a big jump from the escalating frustrated mood I started in. It’s an incredible reset.

Weeds also transport and connect me to sentimental memories.

One summer morning after a walk while visiting my parents in my childhood home on Long Island, I recognized there were more weeds than flowers in their garden. I grabbed some gardening gloves from the garage and got to work. A few moments later my father wandered outside the back door to check on me. It was shortly before he passed away (4 years this August). His heart hadn’t been strong enough for him to do much more than grab a chair and sit beside me keeping me company.

Now you might be sitting there thinking…aaaaw, how sweet. And yes, it was. But if you knew my Dad, you’d also know that he was a great supervisor. Just the day before we had purchased some seedlings for his vegetable garden. In some ways it was a moot point because we all knew that he would never have the stamina to tend it moving forward. But in other ways, we wanted to lend a hand in helping him stay connected to the things he loved doing.

As the sun beat down on my sweaty brow, he directed me to “plant this there, tie this up that way, put this next to that.” I laugh, cry and roll my eyes just thinking about that day.

Once again the weeds had given me a gift – time spent with my father.  It was the last garden we planted together — and a gift imprinted upon my heart. Sometimes there are more weeds than flowers in life, Best Selfers, but don’t be afraid to get your hands in the Mother Earth when possible. Slow down when you need it. Share love at every chance. Allow yourself to take a breather. And see (and seize) the weeds of opportunity.

You may enjoy reading other short articles of inspiration in our Best Self Bytes section.

The post Weeds of Opportunity: Finding Solace and Soul Connection in The Dirt of Life appeared first on BEST SELF.

The edge of a nest, like a comfort zone, can hold us back or propel us forward. If you’re ready to fly in any aspect of your life…read on!

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On a recent annual pilgrimage to Maine this summer, the most exciting thing that happened each morning (aside from the hot coffee and fresh baked goods delivery to our campground) —was this. Look closely, a baby bird about to fly the nest. Initially, there were 2 and this guy (I decided it was a ‘he’) was left. Though it appears from this photo that I just happened to capture ‘the’ moment before the big leap — alas, it was not and in fact, it took a few days of back-and-forth.

You see, he took two steps forward and then one back. Went out on the edge of the nest and then retreated to the comfort of what he knew. Flapped his wings with the confidence that he could fly and then looked down, terrorized and immobilized.

Sound familiar?

While I believe in the divine timing of life — I also believe that there are moments where we are scared shitless, both in our personal and professional lives.

We’re not sure our wings will flap fast enough, that we won’t fall flat on the ground, that we won’t fail, that there is no safety net to catch us.

Life doesn’t come with a money-back guarantee. Sometimes we just have to go for it — we have to bust-a-move and we need to trust in what is calling to us…be it a mama bird from a nearby tree limb or a passion project. As Wayne Dyer said, “Don’t die with your music still in you.”

Where are you holding back? I know I have my tactics. I bet you have yours. Could you consider stepping up onto the ledge of your comfort zone and going for it? The little guy in this picture did and as an endnote: he didn’t fall to the ground. If he can do it, so can you and I!

It’s time to fly, Best Selfers!

There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask, “What if I fall?”
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?

~ Erin Hanson

The post It’s Time to Fly: Facing our Fears and Letting Go appeared first on BEST SELF.

Inspired by fair trade and eco-conscious businesses, Best Self celebrates a call for a ‘Plastic Free July’ and a global shift one action at a time

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I’m a little late in the game because I wasn’t aware of a movement calling for a ‘Plastic Free July’. First off, how awesome is that? On the other hand, if you are anything like me, you like a little lead time, a list of suggestions, a roadmap outlining what you are supposed to be doing like following a well-crafted diet plan. 

But what if we all simply committed to starting somewhere…anywhere? Don’t get overwhelmed by the 1-month challenge. Don’t get derailed by the date on the calendar. What about 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week — 1 choice? Just start with one conscious decision to make a difference. Could you do that for Mother Nature?

The science is irrefutable: We are drowning in plastics and its adverse effects.

Simply stroll any beach to witness shores lined with the evidence of our convenience-of-plastic consumption. 

Reducing plastic is all the rage in environmentally conscious circles…and it’s gaining traction for good reason: we need it and we can do something about it. Now. It’s not really an option any longer, yet the tides are not turning fast enough and we need to do better. 

So what can you do? 

Start.

Each small action taken can create large rippling effects. One less plastic bag, cup, container, water bottle, etc. — can dramatically restore our environment, save our beaches and marine life. There’s no denying it (and even one does matter). 

It’s why learning about companies like Ten Thousand Villages that has a mission to create fair trade with ethical treatment to support artisans around the globe — combined with environmentally conscious initiatives like a call for ‘Plastic Free July’ — is music to my ears. And they are certainly have an agenda to create a ripple effect for good. 

As their CEO, Llenay Ferretti says:

“Ten Thousand Villages has been pioneering the world of fair trade and putting people and planet first since 1946. We believe, and so do our artisan partners, that it is our responsibility to be good stewards of our precious planet. Together, we focus on the use of locally sourced, recycled and renewable materials in our products, and we work to promote creative re-use and energy efficiency in workshops. We’ve also been making strides to reduce our reliance on single-use plastic and have committed to using 100% recycled paper bags and tags in our stores, found innovative ways to use recycled newspaper for shipping, and have started the process of replacing plastic packaging with sustainable materials.“

Not only are they walking the global maker-to-market walk, they are talking the talk and promoting beautiful products to support this movement. A simple move from using bottled soap to using bar soap is a step in the plastic-free direction. Check out this piece they published on their website: 18 Easy Ways to Take Waste Out of Your Daily Routine for some hands-on inspiration. 

And just imagine if every bottle you currently had in your house in this moment was the last you would ever purchase. In our bathrooms alone we are surrounded by shampoo and cosmetic bottles that we routinely toss out (and hopefully recycle). Imagine refilling them all: soaps, detergents, lotions — from the kitchen to the bathroom and laundry room, etc. And imagine if all of your favorite brands and companies got onboard to support these initiatives. Landfill be gone.

I’ve written about this before, but I’m blessed to have a ‘re-filling’ station in the form of a bright, stylish and eco-chic shop in my small town called Woodstock Bring Your Own. It’s all about conservation with style and convenience. Maybe there’s a similar resource near you (or maybe you want to create one!).

I know it’s not always easy, but when we do good, we feel good. It’s literally about rethinking routines, igniting awareness and taking action.

A few years ago, when I met the one-and-only Captain Charles Moore, Founder and Research Director of Algalita and author of Plastic Ocean— it was hard not to be distracted by his seemingly whimsical, colorful necklace. Upon closer inspection I realized, there was nothing whimsical about it. It was constructed of plastic remnants from everyday objects found in the ocean. Message received. They were the same kinds of things that wash up on shore and get lodged in marine life. 

Algalita has a clear vision: To lead the world to a plastic pollution-free future. And Captain Charles knows a thing or two about this. After discovering the ‘island’ of garbage in the Pacific Ocean that is the size of Texas — he decided to do something about it. Today he embraces complex problems by empowering future leaders through research and education. 

So all of this inspiration and good works by individuals and organizations leads me full circle back to this notion of a ‘Plastic Free July’ — a campaign led by the Plastic Free Foundation. Each year, millions of people around the globe take the challenge and choose to refuse single-use plastics. Theirs is a vision we can all embrace — to see a world without plastic waste.

To learn more about Plastic Free July and what you can do, check out this LIST on their website of suggestions about how you can get started; things that can be done at home, in schools, offices, community and local government. 

Together, we can change the world one straw, one bag, one plastic container at a time. And you never know — perhaps your ‘July challenge’ will turn into your new routine…music to my Best Self ears and those of Mother Nature. And as a matter of fact, whenever I visit beaches I bring along a bag to collect trash. I took this lead picture a few years ago in Tulum after a morning walk. 

Remember, we vote with our dollars, so be conscious where you spend them. Let’s request more from the businesses we support. Let’s get them all onboard.

Our planet is calling and connecting us to our humanity — are you ready to show up? Together we thrive. 

We must work towards a world where plastic pollution is unthinkable.

~Captain Charles Moore

The post Conscious Consumption: Reducing Plastic Pollution, A Ripple Effect For Good appeared first on BEST SELF.

March 22, 2019, Youngstown, Ohio

At the end of the day, people just want an opportunity to have a good life, and I know that we can give it to them if we get our act together.”

~ Congressman Tim Ryan

Estimated reading time: 30 minutes

Congressman Tim Ryan, currently serving his 9^thterm — was first elected in 2002 at 29 years of age. He is an enigma in a world of bi-partisan politics, but he also epitomizes what it means to be a Best Selfer.

Tim is a ‘big picture’ thinker who understands the very nature of connecting the dots of all aspects of our lives in order to best serve the whole. He is a man of the people — equally comfortable standing with farmers, CEO’s, and laborers. With a commitment to economic, environmental, and social wellbeing — he holds a bold vision for improving wellness, education, food systems, and technological innovation. He has a plan for creating unity and opportunity for all — most of all for healing the body politic.

As an advocate of mindfulness, he is as candid about his own daily practice as he is dedicated to sharing its merits to improve the quality and health in the lives of others — from veterans healing trauma and children improving their ability to learn, to helping fellow politicians become better leaders. 

Congressman Ryan invigorates a fresh sense of hope in a climate of bitter divisiveness and contention while being uniquely poised to act as a much-needed bridge between conversations and communities. Tim is the author of The Real Food Revolution and most recently, Healing America. He is also a husband and father who has the chops (and the heart) to get the job done.

Kristen:                       Well, hello my friend. Thanks for sitting down with us and welcoming us back into your home state of Ohio.

Congressman:             Thank you. 

Kristen:                       I should probably point out that you are the first person to be on the cover of Best SelfMagazinetwo times.

                                    Clearly, we’re fans. But it’s not just because you’re a good guy; it’s because you are bridging a conversation that needs to be bridged. Before we dive into all of that, Timothy John Ryan, is there something that you would like to share with your Best Self family?

Congressman:             Yes! I’m running for President of the United States.

Kristen:                       Well, that is certainly a first — no one has ever said that to me in an interview!

Congressman:             We’re super excited about it. We think that beneath the chaos and all the noise of the current political climate, there is nothing but opportunity — that the solutions for our nation are out there across the country, percolating up. I’ve been seeing that, and I’m excited about throwing gasoline on those fires and bringing that kind of life and spirit back to public debate. 

Kristen:                       One of the many things that stuck with me a few years ago was when you said, “We have people who want to be one with the Universe that don’t want to be one with DC.” 

                                    We all have friends who don’t want to talk about politics, particularly in this incredibly contentious environment. But you also said that, “We need to bring our practice from the mat and into the world and to be a part of the conversation.” In other words, joining the conversation is not really an option.

Congressman:             Yes. I ask people who are into contemplative practices, such as yoga, self-reflection, mindfulness, building community, “Don’t you think now more than ever that the country needs someone like you, someone with your beliefs, someone with your practice — to take it off the mat or off the cushion and bring that into the world? If you’re not going to do it now, when are you going to do it?”

                                    We need people who can deescalate situations. We need people who can listen deeply. We need people who can recognize how not only are these really complicated institutions not working, but we’re not even seeing how they are interconnected to begin with.

                                    I think people who take time every day to get centered and come from that quiet space see things as interconnected. We need that contribution right now if we’re going to fix the craziness. 

Kristen:                       The reality is that many of us can’t even have these conversations with our own families — let alone with our co-workers and communities. But we’ve got to be in it, instead of just home complaining about it. 

Congressman:             Exactly.

Kristen:                       A divided country needs a bridge, not a wall. It feels like we’re at a moment of ‘dis-ease’ — an impasse with a real distinction between us against them, red versus blue. What does it mean to you to be a bridge?

Congressman:             Getting out of the ‘either/or’ and getting into the ‘yes/and’ mindset. We’re asked by the leaders of the country, by the media, etc.: Do you fall into this camp or that one? Do you have on a blue jersey or do you have on a read jersey? We’re always asked these either/or questions and that causes tremendous anxiety. Life isn’t either/or, cut and dry.

Kristen:                       It just seems like there’s absolutely no room for conversation in the middle.

Congressman:             There’s no conversation in the middle.

Kristen:                       You’re in the political trenches and you’re seeing how nothing is getting done. How do we jumpstart that? Shouldn’t ‘We the People’ be demanding more from those who represent us? Shouldn’t we insist that they do their job on behalf of all of us instead of isolating in these camps? Somebody’s got to start playing nice on the playground.

Congressman:             I think it takes the leadership of the President of the United States to set the tone and to decide if we are going to be in these either/or camps or if we are going to break the gridlock and reassemble around some new priorities. If the President is inciting the rifts in society — cultural rifts, social rifts, economic rifts — then we’re going to keep having this separation. But if you have a President that refrains from either/or dynamics and instead reframes the question by asking how we can come together to solve problem X using the best of the free market and the best of the government — that’s how we can move forward. 

Kristen:                       As children we were taught in school that we are a nation of immigrants — a melting pot — and yet there seems to be a climate of pervasive intolerance, increasingly so. What do you think needs to be changed with regards to that?

Congressman:             We’re a nation with a very complicated history. For all of our deep values that are embedded in our Constitution and Bill of Rights and our founding documents, we’ve come up short in many regards. I think part of it starts with a deep, honest conversation about race and about immigration. 

                                    My mom is 100% Italian; her grandparents were Italian immigrants. We grew up hearing the stories of how poorly the Italians were treated when they first got to this country. That’s a black mark that affected my family. But you hope we have evolved and can now recognize that those Italians that were once made fun of went on to assimilate and build productive, thriving lives. 

                                    At some point the light bulb goes off and we begin to say: Okay. We know it gets a little messy when a new group comes into a more established group. How do we do that with grace and dignity?

Kristen:                       …and humanity.

Congressman:             And recognizing the humanity in these people, not shaming them. 

Of course we’ve got to secure the border. But we also need to remember that diversity and immigration have been such a key component of making America great. 

Just think about the DNA that lies in Americans because of the generation after generation of risktakers from all over the world who came here. As a result, our gene pool in the United States is made up of risktakers. Having that DNA feeds our economy. It feeds our innovation. It feeds our creativity. So, let’s recognize that and say, Okay. This is a good thing.

Kristen:                       You are rare in the sense that you don’t belong to an ideological faction. This is something that frustrates me about the party system in this country. If you belong to a party, it is assumed that you’re just going to vote one way or the other — regardless. What happens to the head, the heart, the conscience? How do we shift those things so we can allow our representatives to vote for what they believe is right as opposed to expected party affiliation?

Congressman:             Again, the president of the United States has to set that tone. I think having some honest conversations with the country to say to the Conservatives, “Look, cutting taxes for the wealthiest people in the country does not solve all of our problems.” To say to the Liberal Democrats, “A new federal program or more government spending in and of itself does not solve all of our problems.” 

                                    How can we come together and use the best of the free enterprise system that innovates better than anything else and distributes capital when well-regulated markets exist? We need the best of both. Again, it’s not either/or — it’s both/and. 

                                    So the President has to say, Look, we’ve got to let go of these old ideologies. You look at the economy taking off. You look at technology taking off. Government’s hanging back, completely lapped by what’s happening in the real world. We’ve got to get the government up and running in an effective way. That’s going to take everybody saying, Okay, we need a little bit of both.

Kristen:                       Someone’s going to have to recognize that they are elected to have these kinds of conversations.

Congressman:             And recognize that a fellow politician should not be your enemy. 

Kristen:                       Besides, we’re allowed to disagree. It’s called a ‘conversation’. Right now, it’s my way or the highway.

Congressman:             Right. The other thing the President really needs to do is set the goal. 

Let’s talk climate: We are going to increase the temperature of the planet by seven degrees Celsius over the next 70 years. We’re already seeing effects in our day-to-day lives in weather patterns. So we’ve got to reverse this. Let’s agree on that. Then, how do we accomplish that? We’re not going to do it without the free enterprise system. 

                                    It’s also going to take the government to put in research money, to set the goals, objectives, and boundaries around how we move ourselves away from fossil fuel while keeping the economy stable. There’s a way to do it if we can first agree on what the goals are.

Kristen:                       What does the American spirit mean to you? 

Congressman:             To me, spirit or spirituality is all about connection — it’s being connected to yourself, connected to a higher power, connected to each other, connected to the world around us, connected to the nature that sustains us. The American spirit is where we reconnect to that energy that comes from working well as a team. That’s when our country is at its best. 

Kristen:                       You’re a Democrat, yet your constituency is primarily a red Republican state. Roughly 45,000 people in your district voted for you and for President Trump in 2016. To me, that demonstrates your ability to cross the divide and, in particular, to defend working-class Americans. You appear equally comfortable whether with farmers in a muddy field or rubbing elbows with influencers and CEOs on Wall Street. 

                                    How can you be a bridge and ensure voters that you will represent the whole as opposed to a slice of the pie?

Congressman:             I see that everyone has a very important role. A lot of people talk about transforming the food system and yet they pooh-pooh the farmer. They talk about decarbonizing the economy and yet they pooh-pooh the business people. 

I grew up in a family that had small business owners. Many of my friends today are Republican business people, yet I represent a very working-class district. The point is that it’s going to take all of us doing what we do, playing on the same team with a common goal: the good of the whole.

                                    There’s a great story that my friend who represents Louisiana tells. He’s buddies with a celebrity chef. One night he was having dinner with the chef who asked, “You know who the most important person in my restaurant is?” And my friend asked, “Who?” The chef said, “The dishwasher.” My friend responded, “The dishwasher? Why would it be the dishwasher?” The chef replied, “Because the dishwasher sees who’s eating what throughout the night.” The dishwasher’s observations provide critical information for the chef. 

                                    The point being: We all matter. We all play a role, from the people who run the sewer system to the entrepreneur who takes a risk by mortgaging his/her house to start a business or puts their payroll on a credit card because they’re having a bad month and don’t want to let their workers down. 

Kristen:                       I recently heard you say, “You can’t talk about healthcare if you’re not willing to talk about health.” Can you elaborate on this notion of interconnectedness — not just with healthcare, but with food systems, climate change, and the economy?

Congressman:             In my mind, you can’t talk about healthcare without talking about health. You can’t talk about health without talking about food. And you can’t talk about food without talking about agriculture. Those are all very much interconnected.

                                    Obviously, education is interconnected in there as well. Right now about half the country has either diabetes or pre-diabetes. Each diabetic patient costs 2.3 times more than a normal patient. If this trend continues, we will literally sink the healthcare system. So why are we spending all this time talking about Medicare for all, single payer, Obamacare, private care, VA care, fee for service, out of pocket?

                                    We’re having this big discussion. And yes, of course we’ve got to have that. But the real discussion is — what can we do to make sure half the country doesn’t have diabetes or prediabetes? 

Kristen:                       Hello!

Congressman:             How do we make sure millions of people don’t have Alzheimer’s? How do we make sure millions of people don’t have high blood pressure and heart disease? These things are going to collapse the system. 

So here we are, the most powerful country in the world. We spend two and a half times more than every other industrialized country on healthcare — and we get the worst results. 

You wonder why the American people are so upset at the government, at the insurance companies, at the pharmaceutical companies — they’re paying and they are not getting anything for it. 

Kristen:                       Your book, The Real Food Revolution, truly demonstrates the interconnectedness of the food systems. It’s not just about pointing out the obvious problems — it’s about really coming up with tactical solutions, demonstrating true farm-to-table trickle down practices.

                                    But it saddens me to think that there is still a huge part of this nation that isn’t making the connections between what’s on their plate and what’s happening in their lives. If they were, there would be more action, more outrage. We still have tremendous work to do in that arena.

Congressman:             A big part of it is teaching our kids and getting this into our schools. We have to make the next generation aware of it. And we need to train our doctors. I have a bill in Congress to make sure doctors are actually getting the training that they need with respect to nutrition.

Kristen:                       More than the six weeks they currently receive, right?

Congressman:             Exactly. They’re still not meeting the basic standard that has been recommended for them. Your doctor is really your healthcare professional — someone who is supposed to keep you healthy, not just deal with you when you’re sick — someone to talk to you about your diet, about your stress and the bigger picture. 

Kristen:                       …good old-fashioned doctoring.

Congressman:             Yes. When I went to Cuba I found it interesting how they handle their healthcare. The doctor typically lives in the neighborhood and is always available as a part of the community. 

Kristen:                       And clearly, they have a better understanding of what is going on in a patient’s life and what factors are impacting their health. 

Congressman:             Not recognizing that there is a connection between what’s happening in our mind with what’s happening to us physically is putting Western medicine behind the eight ball. Doctors in our system don’t have time to sit and ask what’s going on. They only have time to write prescriptions. 

Kristen:                       It’s not even their fault. It’s the current state of affairs in our healthcare system.

Congressman:             Right. So how do we best restructure that system? Our system has basically become a disease management system. And the reality is that we’ve made disease very profitable.

So here come the pharmaceutical companies and the insurance companies who just wait until you get really sick, and then see how much money they can all make. Instead, the incentive should be: How do we keep people healthy? 

                                    How do we reward companies who are moving in the health wellness space? How do we make sure that they’re profitable so that they can continue to help us prevent these diseases? We could save so much money if we adopted this approach.

Kristen:                       And how do we reward people who are healthy?

Congressman:             It should all be built into the equation.

Kristen:                       The tides have changed in Congress with a season of firsts for women and people of color. What has your experience been with this? And how do you plan on fostering that?

Congressman:             I think it’s been terrific. The influx of energy from the freshman class — dynamic women of all religions and backgrounds — has brought a lot of insight and I think they’re setting examples for little girls all over the United States of what’s possible. That will only amplify what this country needs to do. We need everybody in the game to help solve these problems.  

Kristen:                       We’re led to believe that there is this perceived separation of church and state. And yet it feels like the dogma and doctrine of some is being imposed on others. I’d like to know what you would say about protecting those rights, keeping them separate while still protecting the rights for women, LGBTQ, gay marriage, etc. How do we keep that separation intact?

Congressman:             I see this simply. You’re two things: You’re a child of God and you are an American citizen. As an American citizen you are protected with certain rights that you can have your own beliefs and you can belong to a certain house of God. But those beliefs cannot penetrate the protections that other Americans have. That’s the beauty about being an American citizen. And so the government can’t be pushing religious policies that violate those human rights, those rights that you have as an American citizen.

                                    I think reestablishing that belief is going to be critically important, especially now where the religious beliefs of some can be used to diminish the inherent rights of others — whether it’s LGBTQ or a woman’s right to choose, for example. Those rights should not be violated by religious doctrine making its way into American legislative doctrine.

That’s what we see in communities and countries in the Middle East with Sharia law, where the church and state are one and rights are severely diminished. In doing so here in this country, we are basically going backwards from the American Revolution and all the great documents that emerged from that.

Kristen:                       In this environment, It feels like we take two steps forward, three steps backwards.

Congressman:             Yes, and you’re primarily seeing it in the states. Ohio, for example, has some of the worst, most intrusive laws around abortion and diminishing women’s rights. So even at the national level, where we may be maintaining the status quo and hopefully moving forward, in some states, it’s brutal and it’s going backwards.

Kristen:                       Let’s talk about changing positions. In 2015, you changed your position on abortion and in 2012, after the horrendous Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings, you changed your position with the NRA (National Rifle Association). 

Given that you’ve taken both progressive and conservative positions, some could accuse you of shifting views to match political tides. What do you say to those who criticize you for vacillating? Is it vacillating or is it having the willingness to see things differently?

Congressman:             I think we all should make decisions based on our experience. The older you get the more experience starts to accumulate. If you continue to keep an open mind, those experiences may influence and shift your beliefs. On those particular issues, they did. 

How many school shootings can you witness without saying: Wait a minute. We have to do something here? I hunt with my son. It’s something that we love to do. That has nothing to do with making sure that a criminal or a terrorist, or someone who has a mental health issue, can go out and get a gun — let alone a gun that is built to kill lots of people in a very quick period of time.

                                    That’s just ridiculous. I can’t support the NRA. They don’t even want to come to the table and have a conversation. So, all the money I ever got from them I gave back to Gabby Giffords’ group and the other gun control groups to send a signal: Look. If you’re not even willing to have a conversation, I’m out.

                                    The same happened with regard to abortion. Over the course of my career, I started softening my position because I kept meeting women who were dealing with these very difficult and complicated circumstances. I learned from them and changed my view because of these interactions. The more stories I heard, the more I recognized that a bunch of dudes in Washington, DC should not be in a room with a woman, her partner, and her doctor when it comes time to make these kinds of decisions.

                                     It’s a legal right to not allow legislators to come into that woman’s private space and tell them what to do.

Kristen:                       At the end of the day, money talks. I know that economic well-being is at the core of your platform. I want to know how you are going to assure those living paycheck-to-paycheck that they’re not going to be left behind.

Congressman:             We have got to get the economy working in a way that allows those people who want to work hard and play by the rules to have economic security, healthcare security, and retirement security.  

                                    And if that’s not working, then the economy’s not working. We are so far beyond the old metrics and the old ways we used to measure things. The unemployment rate is as low as it’s ever been. The stock market’s as high as it’s ever been. Yet almost 50% of Americans cannot withstand a $500 emergency. They have very little in savings for the future, for themselves, and for their retirement. We still have people losing pensions. We still have people that can’t keep their nose above water economically because they are worried about getting healthcare and all the rest. This is ridiculous in this country.

                                    So it’s about focusing on an economy that’s growing — and again, it’s not either/or. You need businesses to be creating jobs that pay a good wage in places like Youngstown, Ohio. What are those industries and how do we all move in the same direction with electric vehicles? For example, how are we going to go from producing two million electric vehicles to 30 million in the next 10 years? Who’s going to make those? 

We need to make those in the United States. We need to have the workers involved, and then cut them in on the deal so that they have that economic security that they need. These industries are growing at 25-30%. America Makes in Youngstown, where we are sitting now for this interview, is being built around additive manufacturing and 3D printing.

                                    There are going to be 3-5 million jobs created in additive manufacturing in the next 5-10 years. How do we as a country say, “We’re going to dominate this industry and we’re going to take care of our workers, make sure they’re trained, make sure that we have 3D printers in schools, etc.? There are ways to do this — it’s not brain surgery. It’s just saying, “This has got to get done.” This has been going on for too long and these poor families have been left out in the cold.

Kristen:                       InThe Real Food Revolution, you shed some light on the power of lobbyists. While you were referring to the food systems, it is relevant to myriad issues. You said, “One of the reasons it’s so hard to change policies is the power of lobbyists in DC on behalf of corporate interests. For a member of Congress, being lobbied is a daily activity.”

I’m sure you’re well-versed in this, so how are we going to cut that lane between Wall Street and DC?

Congressman:             I think we need to move to having publicly financed elections. We should do what they do in Europe and shrink the election season to about two months.

In Europe, you have a national conversation for two months where everyone’s talking about it. As opposed to here where the conversation goes on daily for two to four years. We also need to make sure that everybody has enough money to communicate their message — and disclose everything and make sure it’s transparent so everybody knows where the money’s coming from. Elect your leaders and then let them fill their term and do their job instead of spending all this time trying to raise money.

                                    But the real problem today is the incumbents. The people who are currently sitting in office don’t want that because the incumbents have the advantage of raising money because they’re the incumbents. They hold the power, and so they are able to raise that money. So they certainly don’t want to mess up that system. 

But we’ve got to transform this system because whether you look at food or the pharmaceutical industry or the energy sector, go right down the line, some people have undue influence. The power structure has been so tilted towards the 1% of the people who have all the money, that it’s now poisoned the political process.

Kristen:                       Tell us what actually happens to a Congressman — what lobbyists do on behalf of corporate interest.

Congressman:             The issue is the money. What you see from the bigger corporations is that they raise a lot of money. Their executives raise a lot of money. They put money in the super PAC’s (independent political action committee) which can accept unlimited amounts of money. No one really needs to know where it’s coming from. It’s what is referred to as ‘dark money’.

                                    Essentially, any industry can currently put money into a super PAC and run ads against a particular candidate who is going to take on that industry. That’s how it becomes undue influence. 

                                    But we’re in a democracy where people matter. You’re seeing a real shift to low dollar donors today that can fuel a candidate. You get a million people to give you 10 bucks, you have $10 million.

Kristen:                       In a sense it’s a return to a more refreshing grassroots approach. 

Congressman:             … and democratization, which I think is really important. That’s why I’m saying, why don’t we just ban all this other stuff? Get the cancer out of the system. Get the body politic healthy.

Kristen:                       Amen. Reaching across party lines, socioeconomic, gender, and racial divides — what do you want to say to young voters? And how can we reach them and ensure them that they will be heard, that they will be represented — and ultimately get them to the polls?

Congressman:             I would say a couple things. One: We can do this. America has done this before. We can do it again. But it’s going to require them to engage in the system as well. We want to invest in them. We want to make sure they don’t have college debt. We want to make sure that they have opportunity. 

But the other part is that we also need to challenge them. They need to be the innovators and the entrepreneurs. They’ve got to help us invent new systems and technologies. They have to get into our schools as 

teachers and principals and superintendents and innovate our education system — focus more on social and emotional learning. If they become doctors or nurses — how are they going to transform the healthcare system? If they’re going to go out and be farmers — how are they going to transform the agricultural system? They have to do this.

                                    I’m 45 years old. I’m going to help. My goal in this campaign is to give young people a big vision and point them in the direction they need to go  with the tools to help them get there. But ultimately, they’ve got to step up and make it happen. 

President Kennedy said, “We’re going to the moon,” and then provided the resources for getting there. But at the end of the day, it was a bunch of really smart engineers that worked for both NASA and in the private sector that got us there. 

                                    So our job is to set the challenge, create the vision, provide the resources and some inspiration. But ultimately, it’s the American people that have to get it done. And if this generation doesn’t get it done, we may be so far behind the eight ball that it’s going to be tough to catch back up.

Kristen:                       Clearly, throwing your hat into the ring is not just a decision that affects you. I was wondering what that conversation was like when you and your wife, Andrea, sat down and you actually said, “Okay, we’re going for this.” What was the conversation like with your kids? What was going on inside you that fundamentally said, “I’ve got to do this”?

Congressman:             At one point, Bella, our 15-year-old daughter, said to me, “You have got to do this.” I said, “Why, Bella?” And she said, “Do you see what he’s doing to our country?” 

                                    In Ohio, we live with the job loss. When General Motors closed, we knew the people who worked there. Bella called me one day from school, crying because of this girl whose dad got transferred when they closed the plant. Bella pleaded with me to do something.

Kristen:                       It doesn’t get more real than that, right?

Congressman:             That’s real stuff that my family goes through. We live through this in our community. They know that I understand deeply what people are going through and what we’ve got to do to fix it. So they’re all onboard with going down this Presidential campaign road. 

                                    We’re trying to find ways to incorporate them into the campaign. My wife’s dad lost his job 40 years ago when a mill closed. That kind of event leads to a cascading effect of decline in local economies. I feel passionate about getting in this race and delivering a message on behalf of all of those people who’ve been watching this decades-long train wreck.

                                    Maybe it’s time for somebody from a community like mine to actually be in the most powerful position in the country in order to say, “This is unacceptable and this isn’t going to happen again.”

Kristen:                       What makes you the right candidate?

Congressman:             I believe that I have a very unique experience compared to everybody else in the field, who are all great people. I’ve lived in this area in northeast Ohio for 45 years. I’ve watched communities like ours get disconnected from the global economy, disconnected from growth, disconnected from new waves of technology. I have witnessed the federal government not really care. I’ve spent my entire career trying to reassemble a new economy here locally. 

So I understand what communities are going through. I understand what families are going through because when we lose factory jobs here, it’s my family members and friends who are impacted. When businesses close, I know who they are. But I also know what the future needs are. 

I know because I’ve been studying it to help my area. What I’ve come to realize over the last 17 years in Congress is that if all of these communities who have suffered don’t come together and set a national agenda — then these communities are going to continue to struggle. We’re going to be able to move forward slowly, but we’re not going to have the kind of transformational change that we truly need. 

Kristen:                       You see the big picture and support the whole picture — not just a slice of that pie. We want to support the working class, but we also want a thriving economy and a thriving Wall Street. We want a government that’s speaking to each other. I want to make sure that people don’t peg you as just supporting one sector of our economy. 

Congressman:             Well, as you said, they are interconnected. We’ve got to be functioning on all cylinders and fueled by a challenge. We had that in the ’60s, with our space race to beat the Russians to the moon. We had our great ‘Sputnik moment’.  If you look at the current political, economic and cultural landscape today — we need about a dozen Sputnik moments all at the same time: on climate change, healthcare, wages, job security, energy, on our foreign policy, opiates, etc. 

                                    We’ve got all of these challenges that we have to address concurrently. We don’t have the luxury to put them on a list at this point and prioritize them. But the only way that we’re going to be able to meet these challenges is if we come together. They’re just too big. So you can’t do it without the private sector, or the government or black people, or gay people or an influx of immigrants who are bringing new ideas…No, we can’t isolate into our separate camps and expect to resolve these issues.

Kristen:                       If you could wave a magic wand across this nation right now, what would your vision of America 2.0 look like? 

Congressman:             Our cities would be clean and fresh and new. We would take down the dilapidated homes that mark many neighborhoods across the United States. We would have a new infrastructure. We would be an economy contributing to the reversal of climate change that had the cutting-edge technologies to be able to decarbonize and provide renewable, efficient, clean energy. 

We would have schools that focused on caring about our kids first and foremost, dealing with their trauma and then providing them with opportunities to thrive through sports, through art, through music, through dance. 

                                    There would be communities where you can work and enjoy a high quality of life. We’d just take the tempo down a little bit. I think everybody’s a little fed up with the pace, the speed, the lack of connection, the lack of time together, the lack of ‘quality of life’. 

We’d create an environment where we’re a mindful nation, where we have time to connect with each other. At the end of the day, people just want an opportunity to have a good life, and I know that we can give it to them if we get our act together.

Kristen:                       All right. Here’s the magic wand. I like that vision. 

                                    You are a bright light in the body politic. I applaud you, my friend, for getting up off your mat and throwing your hat into the ring — for walking the walk and talking the healing talk — and for holding a bold and restorative vision for this nation. And for understanding and honoring the interconnectedness of it all — and for truly celebrating this notion that united we stand and divided we fall. 

                                    Aside from ‘good luck’, I thought maybe in a couple years we could do this again this in the Oval Office?

Congressman:             Done! That’s an absolute done deal. That would be great.

The post Interview: Congressman Tim Ryan | America 2.0 appeared first on BEST SELF.

January 4, 2019, Charlotte, NC

Inconvenient facts are still facts. 

—Vani Hari, aka Food Babe

Kristen:           Vani Hari, otherwise known as ‘The Food Babe’, is a revolutionary food activist and New York Times best-selling author. She was named one of the ‘30 Most Influential People on the Internet’ by Time magazine. A reformed sugar addict, soda drinking, fast food eater, Vani went from starting a food blog in 2011 documenting her own journey to health to calling the Big Food industry to task.

 A woman on a mission for truth and transparency from the food industry and those who regulate it, Vani has initiated a movement of accountability and enlisted a mass of supporters in excess of 1M called the ‘Food Babe Army’. She has been widely profiled, including the New York Times, The Atlantic, Financial Times and the Wall Street Journal, as well as appearing on CBS News, CNN, Fox News, and the Dr. Oz show.

Vani is the founder of Truvani, a startup company offering real food without chemicals, products without toxins, and labels without lies. In her latest book, Feeding You Lies: How to Unravel the Food Industry’s Playbook and Reclaim Your Health — she blows the lid off what goes on behind the scenes while paving a new way of thinking for us all to approach our own health options. She shines the light so that we can become our own nutritional advocates and truth detectors. 

Vani, thank you for sitting down with Best Self Magazine today and for inviting us into your home — and mostly, for your crusading voice in the world. 

Vani:                It is a pleasure to have you in my home. I’ve been a big fan of yours and what you’re bringing forth through Best Self.

Kristen:           Thank you, this is a long time in the making. I’ve wanted to sit down with you for a while. 

For anyone in our audience that isn’t familiar with your work, I would love it if you could take us through your journey from fast food to hospital bed to food maven. That’s quite an arc. Was there a specific incident where you connected the dots and identified food as the culprit? 

Vani:                I grew up here in Charlotte, North Carolina with two immigrant Indian parents. The first thing my Dad actually introduced my Mom to — after they had an arranged marriage in India and came here for their honeymoon — was a McDonald’s hamburger. He felt that if they were going to live in America they were going to eat like Americans. That’s essentially how I was raised. We were one of the only Indian families in my school growing up, so I wanted to eat what everybody else around me was eating. As a result, I completely shunned my mother’s homemade cooking. 

 I wanted to eat the chicken nuggets, and Salisbury steak, and fried mozzarella sticks — and all the stuff that my peers were eating. The food that my Mom was making smelled funny, it was weird tasting, and my brother wouldn’t eat it. We ate a lot of fast food, probably three or four times a week if not more, because it was cheap, and it was available, and because my parents didn’t really understand what was happening with the American food suppliers. This was never an issue in India because everything was made from scratch there, and everything had medicinal spices and was truly healthy. 

 As a result of this processed food lifestyle, I was very sick as a child. I had eczema, asthma, allergies, and was always at the doctors getting a prescription drug, going on antibiotics. I was just a sickly child who never wanted to go to school because I didn’t feel well.

But it wasn’t until my early twenties that I completely hit rock bottom. I had been working in a high-powered job where they give you an expense account. I was traveling all over the place and they were catering breakfast, lunch, and dinner so we could work through our meals. The reality: I was letting my food be outsourced by this company. 

I had a lot of ambition. When you have Indian parents, they expect you to get a good job, a 401K, and health insurance; I was just trying to live up to that idea.

 Not surprisingly, my health just went down the toilet. I not only gained close to 40 pounds, I felt horrible about myself. I also ended up in the hospital with an appendicitis. Even to this day, it is widely assumed that an appendicitis is something that just happens randomly to people. But it’s an organ in your body that is connected to your digestive system — and when it becomes inflamed it usually results in an appendectomy. 

Kristen:           Yeah, just take it out. [being sarcastic]

Vani:                Yes, and they also say you don’t need it. But actually the science today talks about how you do in fact need your appendix. It actually produces beneficial gut bacteria for your body and probiotics. 

Going through this experience in December 2002, in which it took me over a month to recover, became a monumental moment. It was then that I made a commitment to myself and said, You know what? I’m not going to let any boss, job, or anything get in my way. I’m going to learn how to be healthy. I’m going to start by taking control of my food. 

The first thing I did was channel all of this energy and experience that I learned in high school — where I was a top-tier, nationally ranked debater — and put it to work in a new way.

Kristen:           That’s no surprise to me. Those skills sure came in handy. [laughing]

Vani:                Yes, they actually did come in handy. Back when I was doing debate we didn’t have Google. We didn’t have the Internet to go find information. We had to go do the legwork, physically go to these law libraries, get the microfiche and print all this stuff out — and then carry these big tubs of evidence all across the country to all these debate tournaments. One year in high school, our debate topic was health care. I was learning all of these topics about health and using that to win debate rounds, but wasn’t applying any of that information to my own body.

Kristen:           Yet! But it certainly was planting seeds for what was to come…

Vani:                I realized that I needed to figure this nutrition thing out. One of the first books I came across was Gabriel Cousens’ Conscious Eating. It’s this big, thick book that I still have today. It’s still an amazing bible on how to eat. One of the concepts that he talks about is how the majority of food on shelves in grocery stores is ‘dead food’. 

Dead = processed food that is not alive. It doesn’t really serve any nutritional purpose for your body.

That really rang home with me in a big way. So I started to investigate the ingredients that I’d been eating and the foods that I had made part of my daily diet. One of these foods was Chick-fil-A. It was considered a healthier, cleaner fast food and I was eating it all the time.

But it wasn’t until I really began to understand what was behind some of these fast food items, that a lot of these ingredients, even in the ones that are claimed ‘healthy’, or safe, or cleaner, were really the same chemicals that you’d find in McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Burger King, etc. 

When I started to figure this out, I also realized I had to tell people. The first people I told were the people around me and the people working with me in the corporate world. While I was one of the highest paid consultants in many of the banks I worked in, I found that my passion for health became more important. And my passion for writing became more important after I launched foodbabe.com.

Kristen:           Everybody must have thought you were nuts. 

Vani:                They did — everyone from the executives that I worked for to the people that were sitting next to me at the cubicle farm. They started asking me what is that green drink you’re bringing in? What are you doing?

Kristen:           And what’s a blog? [laughing]

Vani:                I remember when I started it, I didn’t want to put my identity on it — my face or my name — so I hid behind this name ‘Food Babe’ because I was still working in this corporate environment. I didn’t want my boss to understand that I had this other passion. But, because I was so passionate about it, people responded and started writing about it. It was profiled in newspapers and my local paper, and a local magazine wanted me on the cover.

Kristen:           So how did you finally say, Okay, that’s it, I’m going for it? 

Vani:                Well, it was right after I got a phone call and an email from the Chick-fil-A headquarters after I’d written about them. It was after that point where food companies started to contact me, and say…

Kristen:           …Please go away. [laughing]

Vani:                No, they actually asked me, how can we improve? We see that you’ve started a fire, we see that our consumers are concerned. What can we do?

A lot of food companies were actually very willing to invite me in and hear me out. That said, there were also many that didn’t. We had to invoke other measures like petitions to make that happen. It was shortly after that, when I realized I was taking time off work in my corporate job to fly to different food corporations to convince them to change their policies. That is when I realized that, Whoa, this is way more important stuff than what I’m doing at the bank. I soon recognized that the bank work was not my calling. 

That Christmas break, I was traveling on that auspicious day (December 21^st, 2012) where according to the Mayan calendar, the world was supposed to end. My husband and I were on top of Machu Picchu when I received an email from my boss informing me that my current project was ending. He asked me if I wanted to submit a proposal to continue being a consultant at that financial institution. I looked over at my husband and said Hey, I’m doing Food Babe full-time, I’m not doing this anymore. I expected him to say, how are we going to pay the mortgage? How are we going to buy our organic food? But instead he said, what have you been waiting for? 

And in that moment, when I had his permission, I felt like I had permission from the gods and…

Kristen:           …it had all lined up.

Vani:                I got back from my trip in January and reality sunk in as I wondered: Now what? What am I going to do now? How am I going to survive? I need to figure out a way to make money doing this. I need to figure out what my next investigation is going to be. 

As soon as I put 100% of my energy and focus on this passion, it opened up the Pandora’s Box of changes we were able to convince the food industry to enact. 

It started with a petition that I began online to get Kraft to remove artificial food dyes. That petition went viral with hundreds of thousands of signatures. I went to the Kraft headquarters to deliver those petitions. Initially, they wouldn’t listen to us, but eventually they did. 

Kristen:           I have a list of some of your significant accomplishments in this arena. 

You and your Food Babe Army have been responsible for getting Subway to remove the toxic chemical used in yoga mats from their bread. You got Kraft to pull food dyes from their mac and cheese products after you stormed their headquarters with 200,000 petitions. Chick-fil-A went antibiotic-free after you met with them. Anheuser-Busch and Miller Coors agreed to publish their ingredients. Starbucks removed a caramel coloring chemical from their Pumpkin Spice Latte. Chipotle did away with some GMO ingredients. And Panera Bread got rid of 150 artificial additives. 

These are huge brands that people recognize and rely upon. When did you realize the power of your voice and that you could actually enforce change and hold these companies accountable?

Vani:                I was growing increasingly curious about ingredients and sharing my experiences. For example, the reason I even began to look into Subway was because my friend Wes, who I worked with at my corporate job, ate it every single day for lunch. When he asked me why I wasn’t going there, I told him it tasted processed. He then challenged me to convince him why he shouldn’t go there. 

Kristen:           Game on!

Vani:                Yes. I dug in and began to find out that they were using a chemical here in the United States in their bread, but not elsewhere across the world because it’s banned, because it’s very controversial chemical which turns into a carcinogen when it’s heated.

Kristen:           I mean seriously, is that an ingredient we need in our bread? 

Vani:                When I started to write about these topics, much of it had never been written about before online. We also didn’t have social media to spread the message. I think that because my ideas were so new and so bold, and because I wasn’t afraid to just put it all in black and white, the community that was building out there really appreciated that. That community also lived up to the challenge of sharing it and making sure that the people they loved knew this information as well. This all grew organically.

The Food Babe Army is an amazing group of people that not only care about their own health, they care about everyone’s health. When the sharing went viral, it forced these companies to do something about it. We held them to task and as a result they could no longer could hide in this cloak of secrecy about what’s really in their food. 

Kristen:           This amazing book, Feeding You Lies, which is about to be hot off the publishing presses by the time we release this issue, is like you: it’s mighty and packs a punch. The thing that’s so remarkable to me is that you just call it all out. 

But it’s not like you’re making unsubstantiated claims. You are doing the math for us. You’re calling out the names, you’re calling out the Big Food companies, you’re calling out the ‘front groups’, you’re calling out the people that are regulating or not regulating — and everything that’s going on in the underbelly of the food industry. It’s all there. You’ve basically assembled the roadmap for people to choose what they want to do with this information. 

Let’s just say you’ve kicked a hornets’ nest that needed to be kicked. But these are undeniable facts and you’ve presented the documentation to prove it. Tell us about the copious end notes in the back of the book. 

Vani:                I went through hours upon hours of law review — not only because of my publisher, but to protect myself as well from any legal issues with the statements that I make in this book. I’m not only talking about ingredients and chemicals, like I did in my first book, The Food Babe Way. 

This book is really about the manipulations and the tactics that the food industry uses in order to continue using chemicals in our food supply as they continue to convince us that their products are safe. 

This book uncovers the behind-the-scenes information that you need to know as a consumer so that when you see a headline that says something, you can go through some investigation for yourself. 

It’s important to discern who the experts are that are being quoted. Are these people being paid by the industry? Are these people part of ‘front groups’ or trade groups that actually represent the corporations and not our interests? I take the reader through each level of tactic that the food industry uses in their playbook in order to arm them with the knowledge of how to look for this stuff. 

A great example of this that happened recently was the huge headline declaring that coconut oil is unhealthy. It was everywhere from the front page of USA Today to just about everywhere online. People were sharing this article voraciously because there has been such an increase of coconut oil users.

Suddenly, there’s this article that comes out stating that it’s unhealthy. And because it was funded by the American Heart Association, it got into every news publication. And because it was in every news publication, my Mother even saw it and started texting me. She proceeded to tell me, “I told you so.” She’s never liked the taste of coconut oil; she’s just a good ol’ butter fan. [laughing] So, I knew I needed to look into this.  

What I found is that the two people who actually reviewed the studies had cherry-picked the information. They looked at saturated fat alone, not really looking at what coconut oil is — which is a completely different kind of saturated fat. And not only that, the canola and corn industry were paying them to advocate for them. 

It’s imperative to look beyond these headlines that you see in the media about health and about declarations of what we should be eating. We can’t outsource our nutrition decisions to corporations that are using propaganda to make us buy their food.

Kristen:           Isn’t it ironic that in this day and age of the information highway, it’s actually more confusing than ever before? We literally need to be forensic scientists and detectives to navigate our way through this. It’s become more complicated, not less. 

Vani:                Absolutely.

Kristen:           Aside from outlining that trail for us, there are some big surprises in the book. One of the biggest ones is that not all research is equal and that we need to be skeptical. Let’s talk about ‘front groups’.

Vani:                ‘Front groups’ sound very third party and independent. They have long beautiful names like the ‘American Council of Science and Health’. Initially you think that they are a non-profit organization that completely has your best interests at heart. When in all actuality, they’re being secretly funded by the chemical and food industry. And this happens all the time, not only in the food industry, but in a lot of different industries. 

Kristen:           The other thing that really killed me was finding out about the FDA. In the book, you state that the FDA claims that so as not to waste government resources, they will just let the manufacturer decide whether an ingredient is safe to use or not. So essentially, we cannot rely on the FDA to protect us and we certainly can’t trust Big Food to self-police.

Vani:                There’s this assumption that all of the food on supermarket shelves is safe — that it’s been tested and that there’s some regulatory body testing these chemicals and making sure they’re all safe before they get into our food. No, that’s just not the case. Our FDA has said many times they’re not capable of handling that type of responsibility. They don’t even have the resources to do that, and the onus is actually on the food companies themselves. 

And we see what happens when food companies are in charge. They do things like Kraft did, which is remove artificial food dyes for people overseas, where there’s a required warning label that reads: May cause adverse effects on activity and attention in children. Instead of doing the right thing here in America, they get away with the lack of regulation and continue to sell us these very controversial chemicals that could be affecting our kids’ health.

If we leave it to the food companies to regulate themselves, we are not going to be able to trust them with what I find the most precious thing that we have in our life: our bodies.

Kristen:           Another frustration was discerning the whole GMO labeling debacle. I remember being excited recently to learn of regulation requiring the labeling of GMOs. And yet you call this out as a sham. In reality, it was the creation of a cryptic bar code system that made it virtually impossible for people to utilize unless they had a smart phone, unless they’d downloaded the app, unless they could access WIFI in the store. In other words, all the stars had to align perfectly in order to scan an item. Wouldn’t it have been easier to have a clear label on the product? It’s infuriating!

Vani:                Yes, absolutely. It’s completely hidden. One of the things that I think is so important for people to recognize is about organic food — what it really means to be organic, and all the different levels of organic. And what it truly means to be non-GMO, and how you see these different labels at the grocery store and think you’re buying a better product. 

The non-GMO label is a perfect example of that. This is a label that’s just taken off. Everyone sees a little butterfly symbol, or a non-GMO symbol, and they say, I’m going to buy that product. But what they don’t realize is that a primary reason we don’t want eat GMO foods is because we don’t want to eat the chemicals that are being sprayed on GMO foods. 

In this country, predominantly, GMO foods have been designed to withstand heavy doses of Roundup — a chemical produced by Monsanto. One of the main ingredients in Roundup is Glyphosate, which is linked to cancer. Those GMO seeds are patented to withstand heavy doses of this — that’s the reason why I don’t want to eat GMOs. But what people don’t recognize is that non-GMO foods are also sprayed with Roundup. 

Kristen:           You’re still getting your Roundup one way or another.

Vani:                Right. And that is the type of education that I want people to understand when they’re eating a certain way or buying a certain food at a grocery store. I want them to know what they’re actually getting, not just a label or fancy marketing that the food industry uses to get you to think that their food is healthy. 

Kristen:           In the book you said, “Do Americans care less about their health than people in other countries do? Some say so, however, I’d argue that if most Americans knew food companies are selling similar products overseas with healthier ingredients, they’d be outraged. I know I am.”

I was outraged just reading it, particularly to know that there are American companies like McDonald’s, who sell a certain kind of french fry here in the U.S. and a different kind in the United Kingdom. And that french fry in the United Kingdom has a lot of chemicals eliminated from it because the British won’t tolerate it due to their more stringent regulation. Let’s talk about that. 

Vani:                Here in the United States, there are a slew of chemicals that are allowed to be put in our McDonald’s french fries, and they do. And one of those chemicals is dimethylpolysiloxane, the same ingredient in Silly Putty.

Kristen:           Because all french fries need that, right?

Vani:                Exactly. It’s an ingredient that can be preserved with formaldehyde, so it’s not a really safe ingredient. In the UK, McDonald’s makes their french fries really basic: potatoes, oil, dextrose (which is just sugar), and then they add salt after it is fried. 

This demonstrates how companies are getting away with the lack of regulation here in the United States. I think this is one of the most unethical policies that food companies have.

One of the reasons why they’re not allowed to use a lot of those chemicals is because in Europe and other places, they have a precautionary principle. They say you’ve got to prove these ingredients are safe before you’re allowed to use them. In the United States we have the opposite. They put the onus actually on the food companies, and the food companies are like, Oh well, it’s safe until we figure out it’s not safe. 

Another perfect example of an ingredient that is used here and not elsewhere is BHT — an endocrine disrupting chemical. It’s one of the reasons why you see kids go into early puberty because they are being exposed to all these endocrine disrupting chemicals. BHT is also used in the liners of many cereals. General Mills uses it, Kellogg’s uses it, and they were using it here in the United States to preserve and extend the shelf life, but they weren’t using it overseas.

It was primarily just to improve their bottom line — to increase the amount of money that they’re making. They know that BHT is regulated overseas. And they know that it’s an endocrine disrupting chemical based on all the science that non-profit organizations have put forth. But they continue to use these chemicals. I feel that is something that definitely has to change.

I think food companies have a moral obligation to make their food as safe as possible.

Kristen:           Not to mention that Americans spend 2-1/2 times more than any other nation on health care. Do the math. 

Companies like Quaker Oats, Doritos, Heinz Tomato Ketchup, and Coca Cola are all different there and here. That’s just outrageous!

The onus is not really on the food companies, now the onus is on The Food Babe Army. So, let’s talk about the elephant in the room: the backlash.

You have been called everything from ‘crackpot’ to ‘fear monger’ and the New York Times even called you, ‘Public enemy number one of food companies’, which you took as a compliment.

Vani:                Yes.

Kristen:           But I don’t even want to make light of this because when I was reading the book I was thinking: She’s like the pioneer target of internet trolls. But this is very serious — and it goes way beyond the name calling. You’ve had death threats, rape threats, drive-by’s at your home, and of course, harassment by the beloved internet trolls. 

Let’s start with them. Tell us what ‘internet trolls’ are and also what ‘astroturfing’ is.

Vani:                When I was featured on the cover of Experience Life Magazineback in 2014, they had me fly out to LA and they treated me like a queen. It was the coolest thing ever.

Kristen:           Let’s mention that they’re a wonderful magazine in the space of holistic health and conscious living. 

Vani:                I was on cloud nine that they would put an activist on the front of their magazine cover. And when it was released, I went to Barnes & Noble and picked it up. I was so excited, shared it with everybody, and was like, Hey, look at this, our mission is spreading. Look, it’s growing, this is so amazing, thank you so much for supporting me, and thanks to The Food Babe Army for it.

And then what happened was something I just couldn’t believe in my wildest imagination.

Though I didn’t realize this at the time, I finally figured out that anytime that I would share that I was going to be featured in mainstream media, there was a group of people online that would catch wind of it. They were all being organized by a PR firm and by corporate interests that were either pro-chemical or pro-food additive. It was a group of people that banded together online to make sure that whenever I was featured anywhere, they would attack the publication. They would attack me in the comments section and would completely overrun it with negative comments about me trying to persuade people to believe a certain thing about me.

They would claim that I’m a fear monger, I’m pseudo-scientific, or I have no scientific background — they would make all of these statements to try to attack me as a messenger and to discredit me. They actually did this to Experience Life magazine after I was on the cover. They took over their Facebook page and drove their 4.5-star rating on Amazon down to 2 stars with negative reviews.

Kristen:           …and within days…

Vani:                …negative ‘fake’ reviews appeared from these people who don’t even read Experience Life magazine. If they had read Experience Life magazine, then they wouldn’t be acting this way. People who read that magazine believe in real food, food without added chemicals, and want to hold food companies accountable. So, these negative reviews were all being driven by corporate interests.  

It wasn’t until after my book came out and a lot of articles about it started to be published, that I began to understand that, Wow — we’re really affecting, millions and millions of dollars that the food industry is losing as a result of our campaigns. Of course they’ve got to try and stop us. Dealing with that backlash was very saddening to me. I didn’t know how to deal with it at first. I literally found myself looking on Amazon for books on how to deal with public criticism.

Kristen:           Another book you’re going to have to write.

Vani:                Oh, I want to write that book. I definitely want to write a book on how to deal with haters, because I learned so much through that process.

Kristen:           And let’s just say that what you’ve been through is enough to shut anyone down.

Vani:                Oh, yeah.

Kristen:           You were also faced with the added pressure of knowing that it’s not just you. People who support you are also being punished. That’s the power of lobbyists.

Vani:                They would online shame anyone who supported me. Not only if it was a magazine supporting me, or a media article supporting some of my accomplishments, it would even be if someone said, I love the Food Babe, here’s this article she wrote.Isn’t this interesting information? Everyone needs to read this. In the comments section you would see online trolls shame the person for sharing something from me, saying, don’t you know she’s an idiot? She’s a bimbo. 

They’d make up everything they possibly could about me to take their focus or eye off the ball — anything to not talk about the ingredients of the food companies and all the unethical policies that are happening, or all the things that I’ve uncovered in investigations about the harmful ingredients in so many of these foods. They didn’t want the discussion to be about that. They didn’t want the discussion to be about the actual science. 

Kristen:           They didn’t want the discussion to be about why we should be eating chemicals that are in yoga mats?!

Vani:                No, they didn’t. And if they had, it would have been great because we would have had this lively debate and it would have been amazing. But instead, they ‘astroturfed’ my Facebook page that has over a million fans — so you can only imagine what a testament it shows about people who actually care about this issue. I took this as an acknowledgement of the threat I posed to the food industry: Oh my goodness, this person online has this many people that follow them, they really can get this message out very quickly. 

They were very threatened by that…so much so that they had to do something about it. I didn’t understand the measures that they were willing to go through until I started the research for this book. Looking at the data and the research that I’d gotten from Freedom of Information Act requests, and getting emails that were literally public record…

Kristen:           …which are in the book… and irrefutable.

Vani:                Yes, they’re in the book — and emails from different experts that were quoted as the antagonists in all of these different articles. It was right there in black and white. These people were being paid by the very companies I was targeting.

Kristen:           You have the names, the companies, the emails, the data, the trail. 

People have the right to know the truth about what’s in their food. People have the right to know that they can heal. People have the right to know that their body has an innate ability to heal itself when supported.

Vani:                Yes.

Kristen:           The only other time that our magazine actually came in contact with this was with Dr. Kelly Brogan, who had the audacity [sarcastically] to tell people that they could get off their meds and heal themselves naturally. Now, to be clear, Best Self Magazine does not dole out medical advice, but we do try to spark conversation… 2-sided conversation about connecting the dots to your own life and to your own wisdom.

‘Astroturfing’ is a great name: fake grass, fake news, fake info. 

Vani:                It wasn’t something that I coined. A woman named Sharyl Attkisson does an amazing Ted Talk on astroturfing. She really explains what happens — and this doesn’t just happen with the food and chemical industry; it’s with every industry. They’re trying to do whatever they can to try to hide the negative effects of their industry and weave the message that they want to weave in to the public. 

Kristen:           Masterful marketing — the ultimate spin.

So how have you stayed the course? How have you not thrown in the towel? 

Vani:                It has been very hard. There have been points in time where I wanted to — when I was going through a lot of this backlash in the media and I was trying to convince these reporters to look into these ‘experts’ — to recognize that they’re being paid by the food industry. They would say, Hey, we asked them and they said no. 

Kristen:           …and we asked the company if this food was healthy and they said yes. [sarcasm]

Vani:                Exactly, right? So, the first thing I did is turn off Google alerts, because no matter if someone said something nice about me or negative about me, I didn’t want it to affect my daily work. 

I had to remember why I started all this to begin with. I didn’t want anyone to feel like I used to feel. I did want people to learn that the way the food industry markets themselves is to get us to do one thing — and that is to get us to buy their food. 

Kristen:           Again, and again, and again.

Vani:                Yes, again and again. Whether it means creating addictive additives with flavorings that I talk about in the book or getting us to buy into some healthy marketing message. 

The majority of chemicals that have been invented in the last 50 years have only been invented for one sole purpose: to improve the bottom line of the food industry. These foods are still being sold all over the place. My work will not be done until everyone’s eating real, whole, nutritious food. 

Kristen:           So now that we have this information, what are we supposed to do with it? What’s our big take-away given all this confusion?

Vani:                It’s funny because food is not that complicated. The only people that have made it complicated are the food scientists that have created all of these different processed foods. At the end of the book, I take the reader through a very simple exercise, which I call ‘The Three Question Detox: Three Questions That Will Transform Your Health’. It sounds so simple when I describe it, but it will have such a profound impact on what you’re eating if you just ask yourself these three simple questions every single time you’re choosing what to eat.

The first question is: What are the ingredients? You’ve really got to understand what you’re eating. You’ve got to know every single ingredient that you’re consuming, and if you don’t know the ingredient, I want you to put the product away.

The second thing to ask yourself is: Are these ingredients nutritious? You may be aware that there’s natural flavor in your product, or that there’s some preservative in your product, or there’s an emulsifier like Guar Gum in your product — but I want you to ask, Is that ingredient nutritious?

You’ll start to make these connections in your head, and you’ll start to see that there are a lot of ingredients that you’re eating every single day that aren’t nutritious. They’re just there to improve the bottom line of the food industry, or to create some texture or mouth feel, or some uniformity, or to improve the shelf life of this product. It’s not for our health. 

And then the third question: Where do these ingredients come from? Do they come from a laboratory and a chemical factory that food scientists have created? Are they coming from cows at a factory farm that are fed growth hormones and raised on routine antibiotics that fatten them up? Where’s your food coming from? 

Once you start to ask yourself these three fundamental questions every single time you go out to eat, or sit down to eat, or are cooking your food and looking at what products you’re bringing into your house — you will make better choices.

Kristen:           You also give lots of suggestions, empowering us to claim our own voices to demand food regulation and food transparency, to sniff out the truth, to look at who’s funding the research, and I love this one — to follow the money and vote with your dollars.

Vani:                Yes!

Kristen:           You said if we were all eating ‘real’ food, the Big Food companies would be out of business. 

Vani:                They would!

Kristen:           You have a young child who is so fortunate that she’s being fed real food which is going to give her a great advantage in her health going forward. 

If you could wave a magic wand in this food arena, what would you wish for?

Vani:                People always ask me what I am going to do when my daughter goes to school.

Kristen:           Go with her, of course! [laughing]

Vani:                They tell me she’s not going to have your fridge and your pantry there. Sure, she might take her lunch, but she’s going to have lots of other options, right? Wouldn’t it be great to just magically wave my wand and change all of school food to be whole, nutritious food — in all schools everywhere?

Kristen:           Amen — from your mouth to school kitchens across the country! Oh, that’s a good one.

Segueing from that delightful image, I want to talk briefly about Truvani and how your work has led you to this. I’m going to pull some of these products out of my goodie basket so you can tell us more about them. 

Vani:                For so much of my career I’ve been fighting the food industry from the outside, but I really wanted to figure out a way to inspire the food industry from within. One of the things that I’ve always felt was necessary was to truly understand how foods are manufactured behind the scenes, to understand all the dynamics involved. You have to get that knowledge before you’re really able to understand the food companies’ point of view, what their capabilities are, what they can change, and how fast they can change.

One of the things that kept happening when I would find a product that I loved is that it would start to change. And low and behold, what I found is that a big giant company would buy up one of my small, favorite organic companies and suddenly the ingredients would start to change.

One of these products was actually my turmeric supplement. I started to see all these fillers were being added and that’s when I said to myself: Wouldn’t it be great if I could just create my own turmeric supplement — and my own products that I know are from the best source possible? 

The truth is that I’ve always had this desire and vision, I just didn’t know how to make it happen. Finally the right people came into my life and we made it happen. It has been amazing — one of the things that I say every single morning when I wake up is, I can’t believe I’m doing this!

It’s also a tremendous responsibility. I’m not just presenting information now, I’m creating products for people. I’m creating alternatives. It has been such an incredible experience of learning about the food industry…

 Kristen:          Literally from A to Z.

Vani:                I thought I knew a lot, but I’ve learned way more in this last year about what’s really happening behind the scenes. It’s strengthened my resolve to eliminate even more processed foods from my own diet because of the contamination within the supply chain. This even applies to some organic foods. 

We have created the cleanest protein powder on the market; the chocolate version has six ingredients, the vanilla has five.

Kristen:           This is like Christmas on the couch. [pulling products from the basket]

Vani:                Not only are these USDA Certified Organic, we also test for heavy metals. We were testing for heavy metals for pea protein and every single pea protein source that we came across was failing our lead test. Failing repeatedly. We actually went through 52 different suppliers before we found a clean version of pea protein that hadn’t been contaminated.

So knowing that this is happening out there, and knowing that I was consuming a lot of different other brands… 

Kristen:           …thinking it was healthy.

Vani:                Yes, thinking it was clean, and healthy, and safe. Are these other brands going through these types of rigorous tests? A lot of them aren’t. So it makes me really proud to know that I’ve created a company that truly believes in the safest ingredients. And we don’t believe in any unnecessary ingredients either. 

I’m always getting pitched by our manufacturer and others to consider ingredients that will extend the shelf life, etc. One of the things that I’ve always wanted to create is a bar, and we just haven’t been able to do it yet because it would just too expensive. I can’t sell everyone a $15 bar. But we’re still working on that. 

I have an enormous amount of pride in these products. Each one of these was created out of my own necessity, things I needed in my life. Like this chicken bone broth. It’s something that I would make from scratch every month and freeze in different Ball jars. I would thaw them for my daughter to drink, especially if she got sick. And I would travel with it packed it in a Yeti cooler. 

I realized that this is a lot of work! Not everyone can do this. No one has the time to do this. I barely did, but I knew how important it was. And that’s when I envisioned how great it would be to have an organic chicken bone broth powder that you could travel with anywhere, that you could sip with hot water. That’s why we created this.

Kristen:           And tell me about this. [holding Marine Collagen powder]

Vani:                Marine collagen is amazing. I’m turning 40 in just a couple months. The collagen production in your skin goes down every single year that you age. Collagen is the thing that keeps wrinkles away. 

Kristen:           Where was this 10 years ago? [laughing] I need to drink this. [holding up entire bag]

Vani:                I know. And it’s something that many skin companies have tried to put into their products to apply topically. But they’ve noticed that it doesn’t absorb in the body as well as when you drink it.

Kristen:           This is exciting information! How much do you recommend we take?

Vani:                There’s a small scooper in there to take daily. 

Kristen:           And what’s this one?

Vani:                This is the vanilla protein. I think this is probably my favorite product because it tastes so good and it literally only contains five ingredients that you recognize, that you would use in your own kitchen.

Kristen:           What a concept!

Plus I have to comment on this beautiful packaging. Congratulations on this venture, Vani.

Vani:                Thank you.

Kristen:           Truvani seems like such a natural evolution for you. 

Before we go, I want to give a shout out to ‘The Food Babe Army’. In honor of your collective work, I’d love it if you would read a portion of the Food Babe Army mission, so that people can truly grasp your collective goal and vision.  

Vani:                Absolutely. 

Our mission is to create a healthier world, full of the most nutritious, safe, and wholesome food, to feed ourselves and our families. We create public awareness about what’s in food, how to make the right purchasing decisions at the grocery store, and how to live an organic lifestyle in this over-processed world.

We inspire change in the food industry beginning within our local communities and expanding into the largest worldwide food corporations. In demanding that food manufacturers and retailers provide organic and nutritious food, we open the door for a greater supply of good, affordable food in a world around us. 

Collectively we have the power to change the world. 

Kristen:           That says it all. I don’t know who can argue with that. 

Thank you for tirelessly staying the course on this bumpy road. We’re all the better for it. Congratulations on your success, and on this incredibly eye-opening book. I think this is going to make a huge splash and shine a light on a path that needs to be shone upon.

Vani:                Thank you so much. I am forever grateful.

The post Interview: Vani Hari | The Truth About the Lies We’re Fed appeared first on BEST SELF.

Brendon Burchard

Live, Love, Matter

Interview by Kristen Noel

October 15, 2018, Portland, Oregon

Photographs by Bill Miles

I think we all want to touch the rim of our greatness, but we’re going to need taller ladders.

Brendon Burchard

Kristen:          Brendon Burchard is referred to as one of the most influential leaders in the field of personal growth and the top marketing trainer in the world. He is a #1 New York Times best-selling author of 6 books: High Performance Habits, The Motivation Manifesto, The Millionaire Messenger, and Life’s Golden Ticket, to name a few.

He is the star and executive producer of the #1 self-help series on YouTube — where his videos have been viewed over 250 million times. His podcast, The Charged Life (now The Brendon Show), debuted at #1 on iTunes and remained in the Top 10 in its category for over 100 weeks. Brendon’s live webcasts continue to set records and as a pioneer of online education — 2,000,000+ graduates have gone through his online courses or video series.

Brendon! Thanks for bringing the joy! [referring to his t-shirt]

Brendon:        Thanks for letting me wear it.

Kristen:          Thank you for sitting down with Best Self Magazine today and for welcoming us into your motivational workshop here in Portland.

Brendon:        We’re really thrilled to have you here!

Kristen:          This beautiful space is like a dream manifested, right?

Brendon:        It is. Most of my career is like that: I dreamt of the studio, dreamt of the books, dreamt of the workshops, dreamt of doing these types of things…

Kristen:          …dreamt of going to work in a t-shirt? [laughing]

Brendon:        You know, I never did that. I think this is actually the first interview I’ve ever done in a t-shirt. I think part of it is because when I started in the industry I was way younger than most people. I was kind of corporate — very buttoned up, very dressed — so that I’d have more credibility, or so I thought. Now, no one cares. Half the time if you dress professionally, people take you less credibly in our space, because they say, you’re not being authentic. But I felt like the whole ‘best self’ industry needed a little bit of professionalism.

When I started in 2006, seminars were kind of shady. These people didn’t really have businesses. They had a name, or they had a book, but I recognized that they could be building empires in this space.

At the end of the day, what we are doing is really just very enlightened customer service. We’re trying to figure out what does the customer really need, where are they stuck, where are their hopes and aspirations, what would really drive them to deeper motivation or help them achieve higher performance.

I felt like somebody could really build something if they approached it like a business, not just, “I’m an author,” which was what I did at the very beginning — and I was failing. All I could see was the book and when the book came out and it didn’t do as well as I thought it would, I was crushed. Also, I had no Plan B. I didn’t have a business. I just had a book.

So, a lot of what manifested over these last 10 years happened because I just kept going and asking, Okay, well what’s next? I also never get bored with it because I feel like everything is always new, like this interview.

Kristen:          When I see you sitting here with this t-shirt, it feels like you’re settling into this version of yourself. We’re big fans. Your work and everything that you’ve created has planted seeds in our business.

What I’m most interested in, aside from these tremendous accomplishments and staggering statistics and benchmarks, is the thread that runs through Best Self Magazine, the golden thread: the story.

I want to have a soul chat with the man behind the message.

Brendon:        Who is he? [laughing]

Kristen:          I think his name is Brendon something? [laughing] You’re the ‘maestro of motivation with mission’.

Brendon:        Thank you.

Kristen:          There are a lot of people out there who are driven. There are a lot of people who want to make a lot of money, but there aren’t as many who get the formula — that you can be driven, you can make money, and you can also have impact. So, I’d love for you to talk to us about where this all came together for you.

Brendon:        For those who don’t know my story, I had a car accident when I was a 19-year- old kid. I rarely talk about it in these words, but for me it was like mortality motivation. It was that moment when you realize that life is precious — and I got that at 19. I think that was my greatest blessing. Most people don’t get that until they’re much older.

Mine was very hard and very dramatic. I’d been suicidal up to that point of the car accident, because the first woman who I’d ever dated, fallen in love with, and thought I was going to marry — cheated. I fell apart and with it my life and identity fell apart, too. I was in college at the time. It was such a horrible, visceral two years of misery — and then the accident happened.

There was a moment when I’d escaped the car; we had rolled several times and I was standing on the hood. I thought I was going to pass out. When I looked down and saw this blood on my body, I literally had this moment when I believed energy was leaving my body. Suddenly, I thought, Did I matter? And I hated the answer to that.

Long story short, obviously I survived. Just weeks later, reflecting on that moment, I thought, OK, is that a question I’m going to ask at the end of my life? And I realized it was. So, at 19, I started asking, how can I matter? What does that mean to me? What does it mean to contribute? What does it mean to live with purpose?

I obsessed about that for years, and I think that helped so much because I didn’t start in this industry at that point. I didn’t start teaching and training people at high levels for another 14 or 15 years.

Kristen:          But you were planting seeds.

So, what about after the car accident?

Brendon:        I finished college at the University of Montana, went to grad school for organizational communication, focused on leadership then got a corporate job at Accenture. At the time it was the world’s largest consulting company; there were 86,000 employees when I started. I was this country bumpkin kid from Montana who moved to San Francisco and was terrified. I’d never been to a big city, I had no idea how to adjust to it. All my money went to rent in a really crappy apartment…

Kristen:          Welcome to San Francisco. [laughing]

Brendon:        It was brutal. I was clueless.

That company was growing bigger and bigger, and I was feeling less and less of an intimacy to the work. I would create a presentation, hand it to somebody, they would deliver it, but I never knew if it made a difference. Did I matter?

There’s a true alignment between connection and contribution.

If you don’t feel connected to the work and its impact on people — you won’t feel the contribution. I really got that because I was lost in this big company, and I thought, I want to make a difference in people’s lives, but I want to see it. I want to see their eyes light up. I want to stand in front of that room, ask the questions, do the coaching, facilitate that process. I don’t have to be the expert, but I’d studied enough philosophy, psychology and neuroscience — I knew the questions to ask people.

Asking the right questions of people unlocks the doors, and creates breakthroughs. Like these books I’ve written, it’s less about me telling clients to go out and do this and more like presenting research and then asking, how are you going to approach it?

Kristen:          You seem to have this insatiable appetite and you have so much energy. You had me at your mantra: “Live. Love. Matter” when you said, “The real story is that I’ve woken up every day for 19 years with a solid and soul-driven intention to fully live, love, and matter.” Add to that, you studied leadership and high performance for two decades and you have read a book a week for that entire period of time…

Brendon:        22 years now.

Kristen:          …as well as completed a personal challenge every month, conducted hundreds of interviews, given thousands of talks, had world class clients and mentors, and you travel 75 days a year.

                        So, are you insatiable?

Brendon:        I think so. Part of it is curiosity. I’m just so curious about human behavior, and let’s face it, you’re never going to finish the book on human behavior. I’m never going to have that perfect coaching moment, and think, Oh, I know everything about people.

Human behavior is so individualized, personal, emotional, and contextual — it’s so much fun to learn about people. Curiosity is really where the insatiability lies. Again, when I came into personal development after having been a kid who was suicidal, so much of it didn’t speak to me. How many books can you read that just say, “Be grateful. Be nice to people. Be yourself.”

Kristen:          “Think happy thoughts.”

Brendon:        …but those just get you in the game. I wanted the advanced stuff. I was like, Wait, wait, wait. There are really happy people and they sustain the happiness. There are really wealthy people and they sustain the wealth. There are really productive people and they can do it time and time again, from field, to field, company to company. I recognized that there were genuine high performers — and that consistency and longevity should matter to people. I was thirsty for more.

That’s why I love working with an Olympian, or someone who’s at their highest level, because I want to know — what did they do? They’re not doing what everyone else is doing. They’ve got that edge, they’ve got something unique. I want to touch that rim. I think we all want to touch the rim of our greatness, but we’re going to need taller ladders.

Kristen:          Yes!

How do you keep it fresh and inspired? How do stay interested in questions? Because there comes a point, and I’m sure you’ve seen it time and time again with successful people — when people get jaded. After all of these years, you have a playful curiosity about you, a whimsical nature. It’s like I’m sitting here with a little boy — which honestly, is quite refreshing. Your energy is palpable.

So, how do you keep that alive?

Brendon:        It’s super difficult, and I agree that a lot of people get jaded, and I appreciate the compliment. However, have you ever had someone compliment you, but you’re hearing another track in your head?

A month ago, I did a four-day seminar with 2,000 people. Then I traveled to two different states to speak. Afterwards I went to Puerto Rico to set up some new companies that we started down there to support the community after the hurricane. Then I went to New York and delivered a mastermind for four days. I’ve had five hours off in the last 6 weeks and I spent that time with my nephews in New York City. I flew here last night for this. So, when you’re saying, “He’s so energized,” I’m thinking, Gosh, I’m so bummed, I’m so tired for the interview. I’m so sorry. To me, this is powered down.

Back to your question, I think most people get jaded in the industry because they’re actually in the selfie industry not the service industry. They get bored with themselves.

What happened in the thought leader or influencer industry, for example, is that the industry was driven by people just telling their story, taking pictures of themselves and writing about their thoughts — but they were never actually in service. They haven’t coached individuals over a series of years. They haven’t trained people and tracked their progress over time. They’re giving advice without ever having the benefit of actually being in the weeds, being responsible for their long-term transformation.

This is my 12th year in that position with the highest-level people in the world, where I am responsible for their results year after year. If you’re in the game of service like that, you never get tired.

We all get bored with ourselves. How many times could you tell your story?

The Motivation Manifesto is one of my favorite books. There’s nothing about me in this book. This is a book about humanity and about us. It’s about our story as humans as we seek personal freedom. Also true with Life’s Golden Ticket — it’s fiction. Not one story about Brendon Burchard. People ask me, “Why don’t you write about yourself?” Because I’m bored with myself! This is about other people, and I think that’s what is really important.

So, today I’m tired physically. I’ve been working for a month and a half straight, but every one of those days was in service to other people. When people realize that they need to be their best self for somebody else, they don’t get jaded. For example, I know that someone’s going to watch this, and something will click for them. Maybe it’ll be something you say or I say — something might resonate, and they’ll go, you know what? I need to be on my A-game for my family right now, or for my team or for my career.

When you’re just trying to get your six-pack abs for your selfie, that’s when you can find yourself sitting on the couch afterwards being miserable. That’s why you have all these miserable millionaires, billionaires, celebrities committing suicide, because sometimes their striving was only tied to self. And if your striving isn’t tied to real service, to leadership, to contribution, to a desire to help other people — you’ll completely fatigue out on that.

Kristen:          That’s such a critical component. When did you realize you needed to be in service?

Brendon:        It was immediately after my accident. Remember, I had been the miserable, suicidal kid, had the accident, and then the questions came forth: Did I live fully, did I love openly, and did I matter? Suddenly, I recognized I wanted to change. I got inspired to read books, listen to tapes, and study programs.

Every day and every night, I was aiming myself with intention. And when I go to bed now, as with the last 22 years, I ask, Did I live today? How? Did I love today? How? Did I matter today? How? It becomes an intention.

You can’t live purposely if you don’t know the questions you’re going to ask yourself at the end of your life. You just can’t. It’s impossible to live a purposeful life without at least having some idea of what the purpose is.

At the end of your life you will have a moment of cognition. You’re going to think about your life, and you’re going to ask questions to evaluate whether or not you were happy with that life. I tell people, “Know what the questions are — and live into them — so when you answer the questions, you’re happy with the answers.”

Kristen:          This is why I wanted to have this chat with you today. I know that people are constantly picking your brain. They want strategies, and they want ideas for their businesses — not recognizing that this is the juicy stuff that will help them live into their lives and businesses in a completely different way.

You also keep it real. You said, “The untold story, perhaps, is that I’m just human. I have tough days, I’ve written plenty of garbage, shot hundreds of bad videos, felt terrified back stage, bombed at promotions, failed and failed, and joyously failed on my surprising journey coming out of nowhere. The path to mastery is forged with struggle.”

Why do you think people connect to you?

Brendon:        I think it’s because I honor the struggle. A lot of people in the influencer space just want to say, be happy, be you, don’t listen to anybody else, or don’t give up. But the reality is, they often don’t recognize the real struggle people go through.

Growing up, our family was near the poverty line…it was really tough. An Irish mining town that had been economically depressed for a century, mom and dad raising four kids with nothing, in the direst of circumstances. I’ve lost friends. I’ve been through so much turmoil in my life, and I recognize that’s true for everybody else, too. Most people are trying to be their best selves — even if they don’t have the skills for it — but they know that it’s there.

Every human has a sense of their possibility. It might not be there every day, but once in a while in a dream, or once in a while with a journal and a cappuccino they come up with this, “Oh my gosh.”

The reason why people connect is that I make the struggle okay. Of course, it’s difficult. Honor that. People bemoan the struggle and that’s why they never have the dream. They’ll say, “I have a dream,” but then inconvenience or rejection comes up and they moan, “Oh, this sucks,” complain, complain, complain.

Kristen:          Or they think they’re going for it, but they don’t really go for it.

Brendon:        So, you end up in this situation where a lot of people are on the path to their dream, on the path to their potential — but because they hate the struggle — they stop the journey. It happens all the time. People don’t realize they do that. As soon as you pour hate on something, it dies.

Honor the struggle. Let the struggle forge the best character in you. Anticipate that there will be struggle, and allow it. Use it to make yourself stronger, but also bring the joy. Know that it’s going to suck, know the days are going be long, know you’ll be tired, and then will yourself, teach yourself, trigger yourself, condition yourself to keep showing up.

When people come to my house, they’ll ask, “Brendon what should I bring?” I say, Bring the joy. “Should we bring wine?” No, bring the joy. We’ve got the wine. [laughing]

Kristen:          I’d let them bring the wine. [laughing] You can bring the joy and the wine!

Where do you struggle?

Brendon:        I struggle the most with the busyness of it all, just like anybody else. The last two months have been the busiest of my career, but that’s also by choice. I think what’s made my career endure is that I still feel like I’m just starting — but 12 years at this level has been a lot. It’s very easy to burn out. I’ve protected my time even as I say, Wow, it’s been such a busy last two months. That’s super rare for me. In general, I have a tremendous amount of time off, a tremendous amount of free time in the mornings to get my mind together, to do my morning routines.

Kristen:          What’s ‘tremendous’ for you?

Brendon:        I never take a call or a meeting before 1:00 p.m. Ever.

I take 17 weeks off during the year. Some people might not consider it ‘off’, but I’m kind of like a nutty professor wandering around my house researching, or thinking about something, or creating new content.

Kristen:          Fueling the creative juices.

Brendon:        But then I have busy months like this where we’re building up to product launches and it’s all hands on deck. What most people don’t know about me is that we reached 100+ million video views, and 2 million subscribers and students before I ever hired a marketing person. I designed these book covers. I marketed each of these books to hit The New York Times list. I wrote all the emails. Posted all the videos. Did all the blogs. Created all the quote cards. Shot every photo you ever saw. I literally did it all by myself, and I say that not to brag; I say it because that was my art, and that’s what kept me fueled.

What I struggle with right now, as I’m building teams, is that sometimes I get further away from the art. I’m working harder, but it’s not as much fun. So, I always have to balance.

I don’t try to balance life, I try to balance contribution and creativity.

Kristen:          Your books have incredible diversity, but are each written with total passion and total love for what they’re creating. It’s evident.

Keeping it real, let’s talk about The Motivation Manifesto, and what happened when you first tried to get it out there.

Brendon:        I knew what I wanted to do with The Motivation Manifesto from the get go. A lot of personal development, self-help, and psychology had gotten very trite — it was all the story of the author, me, me, me, very memoir — and I was thinking, I don’t want to write about myself. But I also felt there was a revolution rumbling. This was 2012 and 2013 when I was writing this book, and I was on the road a lot. I was feeling what ended up becoming the 2016 election. I was like, Whoa, something huge is going on…there’s an undercurrent here. There’s a revolution coming. Something is not copacetic. Something’s going on that people aren’t vibing on.” I couldn’t tell what it was, I just felt like something was needed for that.

So, I went back and studied all the times in history when there were major revolutions. And I studied specifically what the leaders of those times were speaking about for the people.

When there’s revolution, where are people going? What’s it about? And it was always about freedom. Every revolution was always about freedom — whether it was the freedom to vote, or freedom to be represented, freedom from tyranny, or freedom to create a new life. I thought, Oh, the great quest of humankind is this quest for personal freedom. The ability to be fully ourselves and do what we want. To live our lives on our own terms.

I thought, I’m going to write this book, and I’m going to incorporate the rhetoric from those revolutionary times. I didn’t want to write a book that sounded like me; I wanted to create a piece of art. So, I started piecing this together and learning how to write like revolutionists did.

The first chapter is about the declaration of personal power, and it follows lockstep with the Declaration of Independence in the U.S. It sounds like it, reads like it, has the same sort of format. I was putting personal development concepts in there, but overlaying revolutionists’ rhetoric.

When I turned it in, my then publisher, who paid millions of dollars for this book, hated it. I mean the editor hated it. He was like, “What is this?! Where’s Brendon Burchard? Why are you writing like it’s 1776? It’s 2013, man!” He was absolutely freaking out. Total panic.

Long story short, after a lot of back and forth, they eventually said, “Listen, add more stories about you in this, and modern up the language, or it’s not publishable — and you’ll need to give us our money back.” I had a really long night reading back through it all and remained firm in my conviction that there was something there. I really felt it. Eventually, I went back to them and had to make a deal to get my rights for the book.

Then Hay House came along to do the distribution deal with me. We launched this book that the previous publisher turned down and made me pay for, the one who insulted the book and insulted me, who had literally written in the manuscript edges: Are you on drugs? WTF?

And after we launched the book, it spent 32 weeks on The New York Times bestseller list, number one! [high-fiving]

Kristen:          That’s right!

Brendon:        It just crushes it. So far, it’s the best-selling book of the century with ‘motivation’ in the title.

I wanted to make it feel like a Moleskin journal. We worked so hard on the font. Speaking of the founding fathers and revolutionary rhetoric, the font style is Benjamin Franklin’s first font from his print shop in Philadelphia. I love how much geekdom went into this thing!

Kristen:          It’s beautiful. And it’s a fabulous backstory, because the reality is that there’s that pivotal moment when an author is standing on the threshold of being published — and would do whatever the publisher said in order to make that happen. That’s a really a crossroads. Not everyone could or would walk away from a million dollars.

Brendon:        Yes. They have their dream and they put permission and approval into other people’s hands.

This one’s another good story about Life’s Golden Ticket — 19 publishers turned this book down, and only a couple of them would even take the time to write back to turn it down.

Kristen:          You were tenacious. You are tenacious.

Brendon:        Right?! The thing is, you just have to believe in your voice. You can take criticism, you can take constructive feedback, but at the end of the day it’s your voice, and to me, Spirit. God gave me that. It’s your voice, it’s your name. It’s your truth, you need to celebrate it.

I’ve been rejected my entire life, and that’s okay. I never expected otherwise. I never thought that I’d turn in the book and a marching band would come down the street. That’s why I say: Honor the struggle.

I anticipate that almost everything I’m going to do that really matters will be difficult. And if what you’re doing that really matters isn’t a little difficult, you’re not even at the edge of your potential yet. You’re in such a tight comfort zone, and most people don’t even know they’re not going for it. They’re going through the motions, but that always happens in the comfort zone. Going through the motions is always safety, and high performers and those who really achieve the highest level, don’t ‘go through the motions.’

Instead, they will a different level of consciousness into the moment, they challenge themselves to be more present, but they also acknowledge that everything is going be a little difficult, and that difficulty is going to make them sharper.

I knew those rejections were going to make me look at the book a little differently. Those challenging times when people said No were going to make me a better marketer. Those times when the promotion bombed were going to help make that next video a whole lot better.

I just took the lumps as learning; a lot of people take the lumps as reasons to quit.

Kristen:          How many people wake up in the morning and say, “I want to have a shitty day with shitty outcomes?” But something happens on the way to the morning coffee, right?

Brendon:        Yes.

Kristen:          Moving onto your most recent book, High Performance Habits, you say, “With deep motivation and high-performance habits you can be extraordinary.”

What does it mean to you to live an extraordinary life?

Brendon:        One thing is knowing that you are intentionally on your own path, that you feel a truth. Ordinary would be like everybody else. Extraordinary is that path that you are shaping that is yours. There’s something happening for you, and with you, and from you… and that’s extraordinary. As I got to know more and more successful people, when I asked them about what that was, it was always that their depth of motivation was different than other peoples’. But their habits were different, too.

I know a lot of people who are deeply motivated, have horrible habits, and never get ahead. I know a lot of people that have lots of great discipline and they’re perfectionists, but their motivation isn’t really rooted in their soul or their heart. They’re really good with checklists, but they’ve never felt the day, and they’ve never achieved something meaningful.

I think you have to have both: a deep motivation, and high-performance habits. If you don’t have both it’s really hard to get ahead and be extraordinary.

Kristen:          How many years did you work on High Performance Habits?

Brendon:        Three and a half years of research study. It was the world’s largest project of its sort ever done, with data from over 190 countries of basically the top 15% of high performers in tons of different industries. I did it in part because I wanted to see if I was full of crap.

Kristen:          Were you?

Brendon:        You know what, yes in some ways — and no in others. Most personal development people don’t have the guts to check themselves. They won’t run the analytical studies, they won’t do the critique, they won’t open up their stuff to criticism, and they won’t do the academic research to validate their suggestions. But I wanted to know: Have I been training people and moving the needle in a way that we can academically validate, or am I just spitting?

I also wanted to know what that difference-maker was around the world, because we have a global community. We reach so many people, and I wanted to make sure that what I think works here in North America, works elsewhere — so I wanted data.

Today we live in a world where if you are serving people, you must have insight beyond just what you think, beyond your personal story. I think a lot of what’s happening with influencers and on social media is a tragedy because we have people who are sharing their personal story, but they’re not willing to explore what else is working. They do no research.

                        Wait, you’re attempting to impact people’s lives, but you’ve never done research outside of, “Well I think it’s this way.” I think that’s irresponsible, and I think that’s why a lot of people got jaded with the industry, because ultimately, it’s just a bunch of people not willing to do the work.

Kristen:          What was the juiciest nugget that came out of this research for you?

Brendon:        We found that there were six habits that made the greatest difference towards long-term success. One of the juiciest pieces was that high performance and long-term success cannot be separated from personal well-being and social relationships. Meaning, there’s no such thing as long-term success without also taking care of your well-being and forming positive relationships.

People say, “Oh, it’s lonely at the top,” or “If you’re going to do this, then you’re going ruin all these relationships,” or “You have to burn out and give up your health to become successful.” They’re completely wrong. It is statistically impossible to achieve multi-year, high levels of success without taking care of your health and wellbeing, and without forming positive relationships. It’s literally impossible.

That’s great because it validated what a lot of us feel is true in our heart and soul, yet we still feel like we have to compromise. But success doesn’t have to bring compromise to your health or your relationships.

Brian Tracy was one of my mentors, and he said, “You know what? If you’re having success with a ton of compromise, you’re doing it wrong.” That was really validating to be able to go to corporate America, or major CEO’s, or major influencers, and say, hey look, you’re telling people to hustle and grind, and push out all these people in their lives and ruin relationships, or you’re telling people, just sleep five hours a night. That stuff ruins peoples’ long-term odds.

That’s why the health message in the book is important. High performers are 46% more likely to workout five times a week than the bottom 85%.

Kristen:          This is like music to my best self ears.

Brendon:        People love this book because it’s holistic. We were kind of the first to look at that highest level of success and prove the holistic stuff with data. That was a big Aha for me.

Creativity didn’t make the top six habits, which had me questioning, was I full of crap? Turns out I was wrong. I was teaching for years that creativity is absolutely necessary to perform at the highest levels, and it wasn’t true. It doesn’t mean creativity, and the habits of creativity, aren’t important to success. But with high performance, it wasn’t as strongly correlated as other things: clarity, energy, necessity, productivity, influence, courage. These were more important than creativity, and that blew my mind. I would’ve thought creativity would be in the top three, but that’s because I’m a creative. That’s why I did this study.

Kristen:          What did you do with that information?

Brendon:        We usually teach from our own values and our own perspective, but I want to use information to make sure I’m teaching accurately.

I think another juicy thing that got a lot of people’s attention — the controversy of the book — was how I take on the strengths-based movement. The message has always been: follow your strengths. The way that everyone spoke about and measured that was by asking: What are you inherently good at and inherently drawn to? What they measured in the strengths-based movement is what you’re born good at. It’s nature versus nurture and they were out on the nature side.

But we found in high performance that no one at the highest levels of high performance was born good at what they were doing. They had to practice and develop levels of discipline, and feedback, and coaching to get up there. Michael Jordan’s first sport wasn’t basketball.

I always ask people to consider, who do you need to develop into? Then determine the five skills you need to develop and build into that. The strengths-based camp is focusing on what makes you comfortable. They’re teaching people that if it doesn’t feel right and natural to you, then don’t focus there. No, no, no.

I tell people: Never ask the mission to bend down to your limited human strengths that you happen to be born with, because what you were equipped with at 15 is not what is necessary to excel with at 50. It’s not saying that strengths aren’t good, and interesting, and fun — but strengths were never correlated with enduring high performance. These habits were.

Kristen:          I spoke to a random stranger in a restaurant yesterday about you and your work. This young man felt that he was stuck in a job, but he didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t know how to get out of it. You were fortunate enough to learn these lessons so young in your life.

There are a lot of people that feel stuck. They are working in cubicles, working in jobs, grinding away on the treadmill. They’ve got a mortgage to pay, they’ve got kids, or whatever — but there’s still that little fire within.

What would you say to somebody in this position who wants more? What step could they take to move the needle an inch towards something, to rediscover who they are so that they can live, love, matter?

Brendon:        I think you got it — it’s about moving the needle a little bit. It’s inching in, because the bad advice out there is quit and go rogue.

Kristen:          …and just trust that the Universe will catch you.

Brendon:        We got so flippant in our recommendations. We turned so black and white, and so extremist. I tell people if you’re really feeling that need for a shift — a major change to a new city or a new job isn’t where to start. What people really want is greater feeling of the day. They want to finish the day and have felt it. People don’t understand that this is what they are really seeking.

It starts with getting that young man to realize that what he really wants is to lay his head on the pillow and have felt the day. He wants to have felt himself imbue that day with energy, being conscious and responsible for his energy, and his reactions of the day so that it’s more intentional, and more his own.

Even when I was working at the cubicle job I didn’t love…I was in love with life. I was in love with my contributions there. I could create connections with people there even if I didn’t like my boss or circumstances. There is a way to imbue the day with so much feeling and meaning. You don’t need tricks and dancing bears — you need something different coming from within you first.

So, don’t try to objectify the purpose. Don’t try to objectify the thing that’s going to make you feel good. Start by asking, Okay, how can I make tomorrow feel more me? How can I bring my energy into the day?

Asking people to change their city or their job without first changing their thinking is just irresponsible. Asking people to change situations without first changing how they interpret situations is irresponsible. We have to teach people how to manage the stuff within first so that they’re actually capable of managing their new situations. Otherwise, they go repeat, repeat, repeat. Another bad relationship, another bad city, another bad job, and they’re just hopscotching and jumping to other bad things because they haven’t brought a new person to those things.

All of my work is about opening up those gates so that they can find that greater thing within. If you tap into that thing, the fatigue goes away. The doubt may still be there, but you win over the doubt. That’s where that young man has to start, versus trying to go figure out his whole life. I’m like, Dude, win tomorrow, then let’s get to your life at some point.

Kristen:          How do you deal with doubt?

Brendon:        It’s funny… I just don’t deal with it. It just flows in and then it flows out. It’ll come into my mind, but I don’t grab it. I don’t fight it. I don’t argue with it. I don’t try to wrestle it. It just kind of goes in and out.

I recognize it as just this thing that will always come up. Fear is always going come up. It comes in, but I don’t stew on it. A lot of the misery of doubt is really just the rumination — It comes in, you grab it, and then you start validating why it’s true. So, I let the doubts come in and out; I don’t fight them, I don’t argue with them, I don’t spend a lot of time with them. I think meditation taught me to do that.

Kristen:          Do you meditate every day?

Brendon:        Yes, every day. I never miss. I do two types of meditation. One is a longer 20-minute meditation called ‘Release Meditation Technique’. It’s on my YouTube channel, and 2 million people have learned to do this. I go around the world and they’ll either say, “Your book changed my life,” or “Meditating changed my life.”  I’m really proud of that.

Kristen:          How long have you been doing it?

Brendon:        Since 2009. And then I do what we call in High Performance Habits, ‘release tension and set intension’. It’s a simple practice to use throughout the day.

Let’s say I’m working on one task, such as a presentation, and I know I need to tend to an email, but I don’t just jump over. I finish the presentation. Then I push back from the computer. I release the tension in my body. I release the tension in my mind. I release the thoughts, and I just repeat the word “release” to myself for about two minutes: release, release, release… Then I ask, What’s my intention for this next activity? I clarify the intention, I open my eyes, and I start it.

That little ‘brain break’ as we call it, is everything to high performance, because most people think they burn out after 90 days of work. No, you burn out because you had no transition meditations. You had no transition rest. You never gave yourself a brain break.

So, you went 16 hours because you can — and then you crashed at night. Then you woke up and your brain was so tired you needed hundreds of milligrams of caffeine to recharge it because you failed to recharge throughout the day. If you recharge throughout the day, you have energy and productivity throughout the week. If you do that throughout the week, you have it throughout the month. If you do it throughout the month, you have it throughout the quarter, the year, the decade.

People ask, “Where does your energy come from?” I tell them it’s because I’m recharging all day. Our batteries are super low. If we were an electric vehicle, we wouldn’t get to go 200 miles and recharge; we’d get to go 20 miles and then we’d need to recharge. That’s where people mess up — they think their battery is so much bigger than it is, and they’re running on spent fuel.

I think a huge part of it is mentality. A huge part of it is physiology. We have this program called High Performance Academy, and we teach four things that you have to master. One is psychology — that’s your mindset, your thoughts, your behaviors with others. Two is physiology — that’s where the holistic health and wellness stuff comes in. Three is productivity — that’s your mission, your output every single day, where you’re focusing. Four is people — that’s your people skills, your persuasion skills.

I bring that up because those first two are really what we’ve been talking about. With psychology you have to understand how to use your mind. With physiology you have to take care of yourself otherwise you’ll be burnt out. That’s why that little activity of release tension/set intension is recharging your physiology, but it’s also recharging your mind. People don’t recharge their mind all day. Maybe they refill their coffee cup, but they’re not refilling this cup [pointing to his head].

That’s why meditation and those little ‘brain breaks’ are so important. On average, the most productive people in the world take a break at 52 minutes. Sometimes that’s to go get water, take a walk around the office, go to the bathroom, walk around the block, or do some Vinyasa flow. Whatever it is, it’s important to take a break.

Kristen:          How long are the breaks?

Brendon:        It depends on the person. For some it might be just a two-minute reset. For me, it’s probably a 7-15-minute break every hour. When I sit down I use my phone: butt hits chair, timer hits 50 minutes, no matter what. If I’m writing a book and I’m in the zone, it’s all flowing, and that alarm rings at 50 minutes. I stop, stand up, break.

Authors always object, “But that ruins your flow.” My response is, your flow is going to come back, but if you just keep going, you’re going to burn out after three hours and I’m going to go for the next seven, because I recharge at that 50. That recharges everything. Most people’s phone is a tool of distraction. Mine is a tool of intention.

Kristen:          Hold on a minute, I just saw a little Star Wars on your phone…

Brendon:        I know. Super dorky. [laughing]

Kristen:          So, it’s a bit of a distraction at times…

Brendon:        Yes, that’s true. Social media can be troubling.

Kristen:          I’m just calling you out on that. [laughing]

Brendon:        It’s true, but you would also see I have alarms set up in my phone that go off several times throughout the day. And when the alarm comes up it has a label with my intention. I teach people to identify the three words they would love to live into — three words that would make them proud to be described as.

I’ll be going through the day, my phone buzzes — let’s face it, the phone buzzes, we look. I pick it up, it says, ‘Dynamic. Playful. Loving’. I use it to check in. Hmmm. I’m not being that right now. ‘Loving’ while I’m arguing with my wife. Jerk. It resets you — and we need cues to be our best.

That’s why your magazine is so important. It’s why personal development is so important. It’s why morning routines are so important. We need routines and cues to keep us at our best self, or we’ll just fall into the comfortable self, or homeostasis. We’ll fall into our lowest impulses. We’ll fall into judgment. We’ll fall into hate. We’ll fall into the easy, base human feelings and emotions that cause so many problems.

The reason people seek higher consciousness is because they know that being our best selves requires a different level of triggering. But most people just allow themselves to be whatever shows up.

Kristen:          What are you most proud of?

Brendon:        I’m most proud that I’ve helped build the industry. That’s it. I’ve never spoken ill of anyone in this industry. When I came in, most seminar instructors were considered snake oil salesmen. People distrusted them — and thought that they would take advantage of you. Sure, there are some bad characters in the world — but I’ve always celebrated the good ones. I’ve always given them a platform at my seminars. I’ve given them a platform through my courses. I’ve given them a platform to share their voice. I’ve helped them launch their books and their courses. I’ve opened the field.

Your major contributions aren’t just what you achieve or what you contribute, but are about opening the field for other people.

I’ve put a ton of diversity on my stages because there’s a lot of diversity in the people I celebrate. All the different Facebook pages that we own — we built these platforms for people to share. I feel like I’m a little ripple effect, but I’m the ripple effect of everybody who came before me, and I’m trying to set the stage for everybody else to create their own ripple.

I’m happy with what I’ve achieved, but I’m happier that I’ve helped other people achieve a ton beyond me — others who have their own audiences, their own impact, and their own messages.

So, if you’re a leader at work, think about how you can set the stage for more people to achieve, even beyond you. It’s all about putting other people on platforms and celebrating them. Many of the people that work with us will go out there and they’ll dwarf my business or my following. And I’m always like, YES! When our YouTube clients get millions more followers than us, I’m like, YES! — because that’s building the future of the industry…and I’m going be gone one day.

It’s the mortality motivation. What are people going to talk about when I’m gone? What Brendon did? Or are they going to say, Brendon gave me a foothold. Brendon gave me a stage. Brendon gave me a shot. Brendon made me believe in myself.

I hope that’s my ripple effect. When I was coming up I didn’t have a lot of people mentoring me. I had a lot of people charging money. I had a lot of people maneuvering. But there wasn’t a lot of instruction, or scholarships, or platforms. I wish I had had that. So, I’m trying to give that to this next generation.

Kristen:          Thank you.

This is a funny way to come full circle in this conversation with you sitting here in this t-shirt, because I feel like it really goes back to this version of you being comfortable in your own skin — the one that is creating this space for other people to be who they are — and to not be threatened that there’s a pitcher of water and it’s going to run out, that there isn’t enough room for all of us.

I am so grateful that you sat down with us today to allow us to explore this side of you. We know what you’ve accomplished, but this is the stuff that really excites me — and will impassion other people to do the same thing: to live, to love, to matter, and to be their best selves.

I’m so grateful for the seeds you’ve planted in my own business and my life, and for those I’m sure you’ve planted for our readers and listeners — and for bridging savvy business with sage, heart-felt wisdom.

Brendon:        Thank you so much. It’s an honor to be here. Congratulations on everything you’re doing. It’s so awesome — I love it!

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The post Interview: Brendon Burchard | Live, Love, Matter appeared first on BEST SELF.

A mission to produce sustainable, fair trade chocolate

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The future is bright — and motivated.

When doing some research for a business class at school, Benjamin Conard was disappointed to learn that 2/3 of the world’s cacao is grown at five degrees north of the equator in West Africa — where extreme poverty and child labor is rampant. But he was also inspired to do something about it.

Our youth get it. They know we can do better. They know we can show up better. They also know that it’s not what you learn, it’s what you do with it.

As an aspiring social entrepreneur Ben dedicated to start something meaningful — thus Five North Chocolate, a fair trade company was born when he was 21. Even though he didn’t know how to make chocolate — he believed he could create something that was made of ethically sourced ingredients, supported farmers and was health conscious.

And his secret ingredient: he mixed his business with the tenets he most values in life. Yes, he certainly created something of impact. In fact, he has been named one of the Top 10 Biggest Fair Trade Advocates in the World — and #1 in the U.S.

Five North Chocolate is committed to 5 things: cacao, fair trade, well-being, diversity and you.

Yes, it’s about making a great product — but it transcends chocolate. A self-proclaimed chocolate enthusiast, Ben is actually a best self believer in possibility. He’s out there being the change he wants to see in the world…one cacao bit at a time.

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The post Five North Chocolate: Purpose, Planet & Guilt-Free Pleasures appeared first on BEST SELF.

An inspired journey to Antarctica showcases sustainable practices for manufacturing — and living

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As they say at Clean2Antarctica, “creating a cleaner world is an adventure for everyone” (and they weren’t kidding!)

It starts somewhere and for Liesbeth and Edwin ter Velde, that was in their kitchen one night while making dinner. Tossing yet another bit of plastic packaging into the garbage became the proverbial straw that broke the environmentally conscious camel’s back.

Recognizing that merely complaining about it or blaming the government or supermarket wasn’t going to solve anything — the next day, they made a personal commitment to rethink their own carbon footprint, and in particular, their use of plastic.

Aside from shifting to using less plastic, they started to ponder the notion of being able to transform waste to resource.

And this story brings new meaning to stretching out beyond our comfort zones. This is the story of adventure for change — of traveling to this zero waste continent that contains 90% of the world’s ice and belongs to no one. You can read more about this extraordinary journey HERE.

Clean2Antarctica is a not-for-profit organization created to raise consciousness and inspire individuals and organizations to further develop and implement sustainable alternatives for our present way of living

This is about a mission I think we can all get on board with (especially Mother Nature)!

The origin of great change is often found in a small step: simply stop throwing stuff away!

~ Clean2Antarctica

The post Clean2Antarctica: Exploring the circular economy from waste to resource appeared first on BEST SELF.

Ruth King

Healing Racism from the Inside Out

Interview by Kristen Noel

June 20, 2018, Charlotte, North Carolina

Photographs by Bill Miles

Racism is a heart disease, and it’s curable.

Ruth King

Kristen:           Ruth King is an international insight meditation teacher, life coach, diversity consultant, and author with a master’s in psychology. She previously managed training and organizational development divisions for large corporations, where she also designed diversity awareness programs.

Ruth is referred to as a ‘teacher of teachers’, and the ‘consultant of consultants’. She teaches the ‘Mindful of Race Training’ program, which blends mindfulness meditation principles with an exploration of our racial conditioning, its impact, and our potential.

Her latest book, Mindful of Race: Transforming Racism from the Inside Out, has been referred to as healing medicine for the suffering of racism.

Thank you for sitting down with Best Self Magazine today, Ruth, and for inviting us into your lovely home. I knew the moment that your publisher got this book into my hands that I had to explore a way to have this conversation with you. But I also want to acknowledge that this one was a tough one to prepare for because it’s an enormous conversation, a much-needed conversation, but also an uncomfortable one. It was interesting to observe my own feelings that popped up while prepping for today.

Ruth King:       Yes. You’re in the zone!

Kristen:           I’m in it. We’re in it together.

Ruth King:       That’s right. Let’s do it! [joining hands]

Kristen:           With regards to our reaction to the word racism, you said, “Something alarming happens when we think or hear the word ‘racism’. Something deep within us is awakened into fear. All of us, regardless of our race and our experience of race, get triggered and more than the moment is at play. That word picks at an existential scab, some level of dis-ease at the mere insinuation of the word, some itch that we can’t seem to scratch, or some fear we believe will harm us. This activation happens to all of us.”

Ruth King:       Yes. It’s true. It’s a lot to get our arms around. And yet, it’s necessary.

Kristen:           I feel the gravity of attempting to explore this with you — to explore this for myself, to explore this for my son, to explore this for my legacy, to explore this for my community. And I’m tenuous, a bit reserved, to say this or that or to go here or there. It activates a lot of different things.

Ruth King:       Yes. One of the things I talk about in the book is discomfort as a core competency for waking up in this area. So, if we’re not uncomfortable, if we’re not feeling some degree of itch or scratch, it’s difficult to wake up. Discomfort gets our attention. The balance of interest in wanting to go there, but also the gravitational pull to not go there is at play — and yet, here we are.

Kristen:           One of the things that I appreciate so much about this book is that it’s not just pointing out the obvious. It’s the fact that you’ve provided some tangible, actionable practices that we can do to guide ourselves to relook at something we haven’t known how to approach.

So where do we begin? How do we begin? We undeniably get gripped by this conversation. As you pointed out in the book, we have these default settings or weapons that we resort to when we find ourselves activated. For some that’s fear, for some that’s anger, and for many it’s defensiveness.

Ruth King:       We need to begin with the intention to want to begin, again and again — because it’s not like we have this conversation and then and we’re done. It’s a conversation that I think ought to become as normative as eating breakfast.

So, having the intention that you are going to be in this dialog means you’re not going to turn away from it, you’re going to give it some time, you’re going to let it be your teacher for a while, and then you’re going to see how it teaches you how to be more human. A big part of invoking the intention to be in this conversation is to learn from it, to learn about what we don’t know, to question the lies we’ve been told, to decide our scope around how we see humanity.

If you don’t have that intention and you just kind of fall into the conversation, it’s easy to find an exit door. But if you have the intention, and you remind yourself of it — I’m giving this my all, I’m going to be curious instead of critical. I’m going to open my heart to this. I’m going to pause a little bit more, so I can be with what’s happening right here, so that I can learn what I need to learn — I think that’s fundamental. That’s progress.

It’s not the kind of conversation we can casually go into. I often say to others, “If you’re going talk about race to people, make sure you have their consent.” Because, if you start moving into this topic and people haven’t consented to having it, you will waste a lot of energy. Sometimes you have to go there, and you just have to point out some things and let go of the outcome. But if you want to develop a relationship with someone around this issue with the global distress that we’re all living in — if you’re wanting to go there and learn from it, then you need consent. You need a certain understanding with someone before you plunge in and share your opinion.

I don’t want to waste my energy at this stage of my life talking about this unless I have an understanding that we’re trying to do this together. In my activism world it’s a different kind of energy, but in my relational world, I’m very particular about how I am working my energy to make sure it’s purposeful, that it is having impact.

Kristen:           And before we go out into the world with it, we need to first have a little conversation with ourselves.

Ruth King:       Yes!

Kristen:           If defensiveness rises up, we need to get underneath it and ask why? What’s at the core of that? You have two great prompts for people in the book: “Everyone should ask themselves these two questions. One, why are matters of race still a concern across the nation and throughout the world? And two, what does this have to do with me?”

Ruth King:       Yes. Exactly.

Kristen:           You also say: “This book was not an attempt to resolve the racial injustice that pervades society. No book can do that; rather it offers a framework for understanding racism and our role in it, as well as mindful strategies that reduce mental distress and increase clarity, stability and wellbeing. This, in turn, supports us in responding more wisely to racial injustice, both internally and externally.”

Ruth King:       I love the subtitle of the book: Transforming Racism From the Inside Out, because I do think there’s something to be said for how we work with our own activation, our own relationship to how we’ve been conditioned to relate to this topic, the automatic habitual ways that we are in relationship to race and racism, the stories we’ve been told that might need to be questioned — instead of just automatically moving along because it’s something we’re used to. This starts from within.

There’s a contraction that we feel with this topic. Our stomachs get tight. Some people have shared being nauseated, feeling faint, or going numb. And then of course, people can just be outraged and belligerent about it and gather all the proof one can imagine to back that up.

But what’s fundamental to all of that is how we’re gripped inside — and there’s something about working with that grip that’s important — because if we ignore it, then we’re acting out on it. Then our response to this issue gets morphed and distorted and it’s difficult to feel like we’re connecting.

I remember being in an enraged situation not that long ago.

Kristen:           That’s kind of hard to believe knowing you.

Ruth King:       I got really pissed off and in the midst of it, what I recognized so clearly is how I had vacated the premises. I was not in my body. I felt like I was up in the ethers. I didn’t have any connection with my body or my breath, and when I caught myself and came back, it was quite noticeable. There is a big difference, when you are out of your body versus coming back into your body.

Kristen:           So how did you do that?

Ruth King:       Well, because I have a mindfulness meditation practice, I’m in the habit of conditioning my mind to be able to come back to the present moment, repeatedly, so it was about catching myself. I’m not blaming myself for the fact that I was righteously in a rage, but it’s essential to witness the impact it was having on me.

I was really hurting inside and what I noticed was that I left because I was feeling so horrible, and these are things we can become more acquainted with and attend to. We need to care for that contraction, that suffering that we’re in during those moments.

When we leave our domain, we leave our power base. We become ungrounded and then our good intention gets defused and doesn’t have the potency it needs to actually make a difference getting the point heard.

Kristen:           It’s essentially a life skill to help us navigate through this human experience — no matter what the subject.

Ruth King:       In moments when you fly off like that — there’s a need happening. You’re wanting to be taken care, but you’re expecting it to come externally. And it’s very unlikely that whoever you are pissed off at is going to actually come back around and take care of it.

There’s a certain delusion in the thinking, if you’re expecting the care to come from the very person you’re in attack mode with. It’s important that you care for yourself in those moments and not get so far removed from yourself, that you forget that you’re suffering. I often tell people, If you see a hit-and-run driver who’s hit a child and then kept going, what are you going to do? Run after the car or go take care of the child? I think we need to remember to take care of the child, the part of us that’s hurting and needing and suffering.

Kristen:           That is a powerful metaphor that’s going to stick with me.

Speaking of metaphors, you take this ugly ‘R’ word, racism, and you give it a beautiful metaphor. You divide the chapters of the book into three parts associated with the heart. Part one is ‘diagnosis’. Part two is ‘heart surgery’. Part three is ‘recovery’. You have this gorgeous line from part one, where you refer to the exploration of diagnosing what is going on: “The following chapters are offered to help us understand the habits of mind that got us here and how we can get the blood circulating again through the heart of humanity.”

                        Let’s get that blood circulating!

Ruth King:       It’s so important that in working with racism as a heart disease, that we take the time to have a clear diagnosis of the problem so that we’re not trying to quickly fix something before we really understand the conditioning — what’s given rise to it.

We need to understand how we got here. There’s a lot offered in part one that supports us in seeing how the patterns of harm have been passed along from generations. It’s not something to feel ashamed about, it’s something to befriend, so that it’s not acting out in other ways. When we’re unconscious about something, it just repeats itself.

And so much has to become more conscious when we’re working with race and racial conditioning, for us to transcend or transform the habits of harm that we’re in. We have to do something fundamentally different than what we’ve been doing, and that requires that we slow down.

Kristen:           The truth will set us free.

Ruth King:       But it will first piss you off. [laughing]

Kristen:           And it may piss off a few other people, too.

Let’s just dive into ‘diagnosis’. One of the elephants in the room, or at least in my room, is this term ‘white privilege’.

You say that the term ‘white privilege’ often turns off white individuals and makes them angry. It’s not a term that I particularly liked, but I also realize it’s a term that I didn’t fully understand — which is the whole point. I had the privilege of not having to grasp that.

Ruth King:       Privilege, in and of itself, is a dominant characteristic. So, if we’re looking at racial dynamics, we’re all good individuals, right? And we’re all part of racial group identities. Some of us know that, and some of us don’t.

For example, white people tend to see themselves as good individuals. People of color tend to see themselves as racial group identities. When we start talking about race we bring different understanding to the table. Part of being a dominant racial group in this country is that you don’t see things. You don’t have to.

You just don’t have to look because everything else in society centers around the standard, which in our country, is whiteness. Some would call it white supremacy. Some would call it any number of things, but this kind of collective identity of whiteness is what is dominant in this culture.

It makes sense then, if you’re a member of a dominant race, that you wouldn’t see privilege because to see privilege is to look at a group identity — and many white people don’t associate with being part of a group identity. They associate with being good individuals.

Kristen:           That is such a critical distinction. If we can defuse the defensiveness for a second and pause and realize that we’re coming at this conversation from two different vantage points, then perhaps, we can hear each other differently and make some headway.

Ruth King:       Yes, because when white people come into the conversation and people of color get upset about something that they’ve said, whites often take it personally from the individual perspective. The conversation shifter comes in recognizing that what people of color bring to the discussion is a group historic perspective.

The dynamic of oppression, dominance, and subordination in our country is real. People of color come to the conversation with an understanding of being subordinated by dominant white culture as a collective, but white individuals don’t see that collective dynamic. They see themselves as just good people, here to listen, but it’s without roots.

Kristen:           And they might be good people.

Ruth King:       Some of my best friends are very good people, but they lack rootedness — the amnesia of a history, of legacy, of the history in this country — there is no association with that. “I’m just a good individual and that should be enough” — but it’s really not.

Kristen:           That distinction helped drive the point home for me. There is a quote you have about white privilege which might help people understand it a bit more: “Whites have the privilege of choosing whether to challenge the status quo. Because of the unacknowledged benefits of not challenging the status quo, many whites choose silence, distance, and safety over the discomfort of change, intimacy, and more honesty. This is how privilege works.”

Ruth King:       There’s a collusive nature in privilege. There are characteristics of privilege that get played out collectively. I talk about this as blindness, sameness, and silence. When white people are in a group with each other and something goes down or something is said, but nothing’s acknowledged about what was said even though everybody’s feeling it, but not speaking to it — this is one of the ways that privilege stays in place. People are colluding with an unacknowledged racial group identity.

It’s a very important dynamic to tune into and unpack a bit, because fundamental in those dynamics of collusion, blindness, sameness, silence — there’s fear.

Kristen:           Afraid of not knowing what to do?

Ruth King:       Afraid of not knowing what to do… and on some level afraid of losing membership in an unclaimed white racial group identity.

Kristen:           One thing I really appreciate that you lay out in the book are the common stereotypical narratives of white people and those of people of color. I pulled out three of these from each group. Let’s start with those common narratives that white people use:

“I don’t see color. Aren’t we all the same?”

“Why are people of color so angry with me? I wasn’t living at that time.”

“I don’t know how to have this conversation without feeling blamed, guilty, frustrated, or angry.”

Ruth King:       I’ve even heard people say, “Oh, I’m just going to listen. I’m not going to say anything, because I’ll just get nailed again.” There’s this sense of, firstly, not understanding why this is such a big deal and secondly, who needs this? “We could just all get in a room together and hash it out, but there are so many episodes of anger — and I don’t need to go somewhere and be beat up again.”

You see, these are examples of privilege — the opting in, the opting out. This is a common way that we miss each other in conversations.

Kristen:           The privilege of being able to retreat to a corner and just say, “Oh, this is too messy. I don’t really want to deal with this. I don’t want to get my hands dirty.”

Ruth King:       That’s right.

Kristen:           Let’s go back to “I don’t see color.” That’s one way to piss off people of color.

Ruth King:       Pretty instantly.

Kristen:           And let’s just assume that it’s well-intended.

Ruth King:       It is well-intended. And one of the things that I talk about in the book is the difference between intent and impact. It is good intention, but the impact can be white-washing, to say the least.

When you don’t see color, it’s strikes me as not seeing me in the fullness of my experience. To not see color is to assume on some level, whether you know it or not, that we’re all good individuals and we’re all the same. To not see color is what gives birth to All Lives Matter as opposed to Black Lives Matter. It’s not seeing the stars and the constellations.

We can see the single incidence of, let’s say, the immigration issue that’s currently going on — whether children should be removed from their parents or not — and we can look at that as a single isolated event. That’s the ‘stars’; or you can look at the ‘constellation’, where you can look across the globe and see what’s happening to dark bodies collectively.

And you can see the prison industrial complex, and the healthcare industrial complex, and the ways that people of color are impacted by gun violence, whether it’s through force or through their owning of weapons.

When you’re not looking at solo incidents you begin to see the tattoo of the dynamic of dominance and subordination that is pervasive in our society. So, to not see color is to not see the full dimension. It’s coming from a white dominance lens of being an individual and looking at isolated incidents without connecting the dots.

Again, intent and impact. For example, being in a subordinated racial identity group, my life and my people are impacted if I go silent. So, that’s a privilege I don’t get to have.

Kristen:           Now we’ll move to some of the narratives of people of color:

“We’re going to talk about race. This means that in addition to being disturbed by white people’s ignorance, I’m going to have to teach white folks what they choose to deny knowing, amnesia of whiteness.”

“I’m angry about race, but if I talk about it, I’m labeled the angry person, and nobody listens.”

“I don’t want to keep educating white people about race. They need to do this for themselves.”

Ruth King:       A lot of the themes here from people of color have to do with a cumulative impact, which is what I also talk about in the book. It has to do with a legacy of generational oppression that carries an emotional and psychic weight.

There’s a wear and tear. There’s a chronic fatigue in many people of color from the exhaustion, the invisibility, of having to point these micro-aggressions out so regularly to well-meaning white people.

I think there’s a lot of invisible emotional labor that happens with people of color when it comes to this conversation. And it’s invisible to white people, because at the individual level, they’re not plugged into collective impact.

Kristen:           They’re not carrying the legacy of a community.

Ruth King:       It’s just something they don’t have to be concerned with.

Kristen:           That nuance helps one understand, when observing someone’s anger or someone’s reaction to something, where they are coming from.

You also suggest to not take this journey alone: “While we’re on this exploration. While we’re going to have this conversation with ourselves. While we’re going to look at this and unpack our own feelings around this, we need to bring an ancestor along.”

Can you talk about what that means?

Ruth King:       I encourage people, when they are setting their intention, to really look back on their immediate family, to that ancestor who stands out around race. Maybe they were rageful and righteous or maybe they were protective but couldn’t be vocal — or maybe they were afraid but couldn’t speak out because they might be disapproved of. Bring that person along on the journey.

To not see this as just a solo, isolated journey that you’re on, but to dignify their existence and how they had to hold this legacy or this kind of inheritance — I call it a racial inheritance.

We’re all influenced by our lineage, whether we know it or not. You know there are some secrets and stories that are just not spoken, and blatant things that people want to hide. I’m suggesting that in your own heart — you don’t have to tell anybody about this — bring an ancestor along as you clean up your own understanding of racial distress, your contributions and ignorance — someone who might’ve wanted or needed to do that and didn’t have the ability to. You have the privilege to do that now. All of us do.

Kristen:           We inherit more than hair color and eye color. We also inherit belief and we bring these constructs along with us throughout life.

We need to ask ourselves, what was spoken about in our houses? What were our parents saying bout racism?

Ruth King:       Or not saying.

Many of us carry these stories out of an unconscious loyalty to our parents and ancestors, meaning that we’re behaving this way because we’ve learned that this is the way to behave… and we’ve got to keep it alive because they loved me.

Kristen:           …and I owe it to them.

Ruth King:       It’s an unconscious dynamic that needs to be interrupted and examined to see if it really is true for you.

Kristen:           There’s a term I love — a ‘cycle-breaker’. The cycle-breaker is the healer. You can be the cycle-breaker and you can heal those things that you’ve been lugging around — breaking the pattern.

Ruth King:       I actually think it’s our duty. I think when our ancestors and parents passed the baton onto us as children, we took the baton, we ran, we did our best, hopefully elevating the consciousness so that we’re not reliving the same things over and over again. That’s our job, actually.

Kristen:           You also state in the book, “What’s unfinished is reborn.”

Ruth King:       That’s right. It is.

Kristen:           People go off to church on Sunday, but they don’t bring all of that racial angst with them. They don’t bring all of that unrest and that anger and that fear along with them, as if by doing so, pretending it doesn’t exist. And yet that’s exactly where they need to bring it, because that’s where we can heal it. We simply can’t compartmentalize it.

You’re dedicated to using meditation as a tool to help us deal with this. As you said, “Bring your racism to the mat.” Let’s bring that emotion to the mat (and the church or wherever you practice your spirituality), so that we can deal with it.

Ruth King:       Part one of the book is really helping you understand how we got here. Part two, which is mindfulness or ‘heart surgery’, is where we bring forth what we’re learning about, how we’ve been conditioned, how we’ve been habituated. What some of us feel is confusion or guilt or shame or rage or disturbance — we’re bringing that to the meditation cushion to compost. The meditation process supports a certain composting of the distress, so that we end up with some rich soil in the end.

The composting process is really our capacity to bear witness to the distress and to befriend it — to investigate the deeper stories, because when we’re silent, we have a chance to hear something much deeper than the habitual mind that’s running around in our heads. We develop a different relationship with our thoughts.

We can be with our thoughts instead of being our thoughts — and that’s a pivotal shift when we’re working with racial distress.

Kristen:           I think the reason we’re getting tripped up and triggered here is because we’re simply not ready if we’re not willing to first take that pause, do the self-inquiry, explore our family lineage and our beliefs, and to check in.

We’re ‘loggerheads’, not realizing, I’ve got an individual identity / I’ve got a group identity. It’s just shutting the whole thing down.         It’s like chasing our own tail.

Regarding meditation, you write: “The best tool I know to transform our relationship to racial suffering is mindfulness meditation. I was attracted to this practice because my habitual ways of relating to racial distress were not working. I was a righteous rager.”

Ruth King:       That’s right. In those moments of distress we’re triggered without realizing it and we’re trying to do something with all that energy we feel. What we do with it is habitual. We’re flipped right into the habit energy without choosing. Mindfulness meditation supports you in not flipping anywhere, instead just kind of softening into the moment.

It’s about befriending this energy. The first mindfulness meditation instruction in the book is about developing a relationship with ease and calm — where we come back to the body and the breath, being aware of the body and the breath, in the present moment. When we flip out in this anxiety and reactivity, we’re leaving the premises.

You can feel the difference between leaving the room when you’re in those moments and returning back to the present moment. This is a practice. This is a healing routine of great hygiene that we can put in the same category as brushing our teeth, combing our hair, taking a bath.

It’s learning to sit and develop a relationship with ease in the present moment without believing your thoughts, without leaving and running. The present situation is often horrible enough; we don’t have to add all these extra layers to it. Can we just be with it?

Nelson Mandela says, “If you can sit in the seat of insanity and dislike without having a need for it to be different, then you are free.” I think that quote really speaks to freedom. He was free way before he was out of prison, because he worked with his mind. He worked with the fact that you can be free regardless of the circumstances that you’re in.

This has been my experience with mindfulness meditation — a sense of increasing moments of freedom that I can have right here and now, regardless.

Kristen:           When you get triggered, how does that internal conversation go down for you? What do you take to your mat?

Ruth King:       Sometimes I don’t have the luxury of going to a mat. I have to just take a breath wherever I am.

First, there’s a recognizing of what’s happening. “Oh, I’m pissed off. Oh no, he didn’t do that.” There’s a recognition of this upset.

There is an acronym that I use in the book: RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture). Recognize what’s happening. Allow yourself to be with what’s happening. Investigate how you are relating to what’s happening. Nurture the distress. You recognize what’s happening, then you allow it to be there and just say, “Yes, this is crazy. This actually happened.” Because sometimes we flip into “I’m not allowing it,” but instead, we need to flip into, “This is how it is right now in this moment.”

Let me regroup, find the ground beneath my feet, settle into this body, so that I can then investigate what my options are.

Kristen:           This meditation is going to take four days. [laughing]

Ruth King:       It doesn’t actually take that long once you get it, but first we have to cultivate the calm with the body and the breath before we can really investigate.

We might have a meditation period for a while, where we’re just being with the body and the breath, just easing our self. We need to know that from the inside and once we feel a certain sense of stability, then we can start exploring these different questions:  What is this feeling? Is this fear? Is it anxiety? Where did this come from and how old is this?

We need to ask, what am I needing in this moment that can actually be a comfort to me? Right here and now. It has nothing to do with solving the issue out there. It has to do with, how do I love myself, right in this moment?

That’s the internal work that has to be done. That’s what we avoid because we have a false belief that if we do something, anything, that it’s going to help. I’m more concerned about pouncing on activity before you understand the impact that it has and to really take a little time to be more choiceful — to be more discerning about how we use our energy and where we use it, so we’re not burning out.

Kristen:           That pause literally calms our entire nervous system.

Ruth King:       That’s right.

Kristen:           Suddenly we’re open to hear. We’re open to see. We’re open to experience in ways we haven’t previously. If I can just sit for a moment and be quiet, I can observe you in a very different way. And perhaps see where you’re coming from.

Ruth King:       And fundamentally, we’re learning that we can give ourselves permission to pause. That we can interrupt our habitual instincts. We can learn how to do that.

Kristen:           I also think it is about pushing through that pain a little bit because, as opposed to either flying off the handle or completely retreating, there is something in the middle. And like you say, “The gray area is messy.”

We touched on the individual and racial group identities, but again, it’s not just about whether you’re a white person or you’re a person of color. We have many identity groups, right?

Ruth King:       Yes, we do.

Kristen:           An example of types of identities include religion, education, marital status, age, physical and mental abilities, talents, gender identity, sexual orientation, economic class, country of birth, race. This also plays into dominant and subordinate groups.

Ruth King:       The dominant racial groups can readily identify with all of the other identities except race.

There’s the intersectionality of all of these different racial identities at play. Intersectionality is a term that was mostly referenced to marginalize people. For example, I’m a black woman, lesbian, Buddhist.

Intersectionality speaks to the complexity of all those things together, being played out in the world. It’s not just race, it’s more complicated than that. Most of my identities are subordinated, but I think we can all relate to both subordinated or dominated groups — not so much racial groups.

Kristen:           It’s a critical construct. You say, “Dominant and subordinated group dynamics are deep in our psyche and are reflected in the world in which we live. This is our social conditioning, cultivated over many generations. Approved by some, glossed over by others, and gravely impacting most.”

Ruth King:       It’s true, this power dynamic is so important to see, but you can’t see the power dynamic of dominance and subordination if you’re just looking at it from an individual lens. The only way to understand it is at group level. It’s the constellation, not the isolated incidents.

Kristen:           It’s funny. I said you were shifting the conversation, but I think you’re actually giving people binoculars, to take a closer look, to lean in.

You state, “Racism occurs when dominant group culture, whether knowingly or unknowingly, both now and in the past, imposes its values and beliefs on other races as a social norm and standard. Racism is difficult to comprehend when we look from the individual identity lens. To understand racism is to examine not only the system, policies, and practices that ensure it, but also the forces that resist changing it.”

Ruth King:       At the individual level we can all have biases. At the racial group identity level, we can all discriminate; but racism is part of the institution. It’s part of the policies, practices, social norms, the body in our culture that influences standards and what’s in, who’s in, who’s out. That’s where racism lives.

I seldom use the word racist. I use racism to really point to the system and I use the term biases, not that individuals can’t do racist acts, but I think that power happens in collective form. Whether knowingly or unknowingly, consciously or not, it’s really important to see how this plays out.

We can look at the constellation of the two guys who went into Starbucks. That could be a solo incident of seeing that the manager called the police. But when you add that to the five black women who were playing golf, to the black woman that was taking a nap at Yale University and somebody called the police — there are a whole series of incidents that allow us to see the constellation.

It’s as if there is some kind of standard or permission that people feel they have to call the police when they feel threatened individually — without understanding the collective impact of that action; of targeting unconsciously, seeing groups as criminals or suspects. These kinds of impulses can result in innocent people ending up dead.

Kristen:           You’ve suggest creating racial affinity groups. When I first read this it seemed counterintuitive. How is it going help racism if I, as a white person, go and convene with a bunch of other white people? But I now realize it’s because I’m not ready to have this conversation yet, until I do my work, until I unpack it and ask myself: What is it that we have been perpetuating? What have we as a collective been ingrained with?

Ruth King:       …What’s the programming?

Kristen:           Let’s dive into racial affinity groups…

Ruth King:       In the book I’m talking about two structures that are important for us to awaken to and explore our conditioning. One is meditation and the other is what I refer to as a racial affinity group.

It’s a mindfulness structure where white people get together with other white people and people of color get together with other people of color, in their own race ideally, and they begin to have some very intimate conversations about how they’re thinking, what they’re believing, how they’ve been conditioned. A racial affinity group does a number of things, but it especially supports white people in waking up to their own racial group identity — to grasping whiteness.

The work is understanding themselves as a collective and the collective impact that they have in the world. The white conversation is not one that we’ve heard much about. I’ve had so many white people say to me, “When I get together with other white people, I don’t know if we can have this conversation without people of color. I feel like they need to teach us.” My response: No, you need to learn about whiteness. You need to learn about why it’s difficult to be with other white people and talk about race.

Kristen:           You really have to have a willingness to explore this and to ask yourself, what’s popping up in response? What was the conversation in your house growing up?

Ruth King:       In the book there is a very prescribed structure, a simple way to set up a racial affinity group. You get together with three to five people. You commit to this inquiry for about a year. You can meet once a month for a few hours and there are specific questions, about 50 questions, that over time you begin to talk about. There’s a structure around safety, confidentiality, and how you support each other in these groups.

But what’s so important is that you have a safe place where you can begin to explore your racial conditioning, where you don’t have to be blamed, shamed, or defend yourself and so on. People of color need to do this as well, because our focus often has been on things outside of ourselves. What people of color share in common is oppression. So, it’s a similar issue, but different.

Kristen:           The construct of a racial affinity group gives us something to like latch onto. It gives us a sense of hope that we can do something here.

Ruth King:       That’s right.

Kristen:           It felt like we were making progress and yet, in terms of racism, I think we’re in pretty dire straits right now. It feels like society has kicked a hornet’s nest and we need to come to the table to do something about it.

Ruth King:       There’s a lot that needs to be done. I mean, the book is not intended to stop people from doing their social activism work, but it is an opportunity for people to look at how they’re going about doing that and the character that they bring to social justice activity.

Everything we see is a projection of heart and mind. I want people to really connect the dots to see that the stuff that’s happening on the outside is also in here — and we need to have a different relationship on the inside.

Kristen:           You’ve given us tools and ways in which we can avoid retreating and lashing out — strategies to avoid leaving our bodies and leaving the room — showing up for this conversation. Bottom line: You give us hope.

You write, “Even though this book is not about eliminating racial justice or solving social inequities, we can be helpful. Racial distress can be useful. It invites us to question how we live our lives. We can become more choiceful through mindfulness practice. We can stop the war within our own hearts and minds.”

And if we can stop the war within our own hearts and minds, then we can let that trickle on down. Right?

Ruth King:       Yes. I think we have to think about what is our vision of racial healing? A part of me wants to make sure nobody feels afraid of having this conversation, even though I know fear might be there.

But my prayer is that we can engage each other at such a human level that nobody has to shrink and run to their corners and protect themselves. No one is in danger. That’s my hope in this book in a large way — that we’re developing some skills and some awareness to understand the human condition and to bring the heart right into the center of it, so that we don’t forget that we belong to each other.

Kristen:           May the heart opening begin and the true healing emerge.

Thank you, Ruth, for your courageous work in this realm — and for your voice and your candor and willingness to have this dialog. I was initially going to have you guide us in a meditation to close our conversation, but that was until I read the last passage in this beautiful book which just cracked me open. I would love for you to give closure by reading it.

Ruth King:       Oh, it would be my pleasure.

May we understand and transform racial habits of harm.

May we remember that we belong to each other.

May we grow in our awareness that what we do can help or hinder racial wellbeing.

May our thoughts and actions reflect the world we want to live in and leave behind.

May we heal the seeds of separation, inherited from our ancestors, in gratitude for this life.

May all beings without exception benefit from our growing awareness.

May our thoughts and actions be ceremonies of wellbeing for all races.

May we honor being diverse racial beings among the human race and beyond race.

And may we meet the racial cries of the world with as much wisdom and grace as we can muster.

Kristen:           I’ve never cried in an interview, but there’s a first for everything. [hugging]

Your voice is salve for the soul. And every person needs to get this book in their hands.

Ruth King:       Oh, great. I agree.

This has been beautiful. Thank you so much.

—

The post Interview: Ruth King | Healing Racism from the Inside Out appeared first on BEST SELF.

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THIS is music to my Best Self ears and those of Mother Nature for sure!

We all feel good when we are doing good; for ourselves and the planet. What starts out as feeling slightly inconvenient begins to feel incredibly empowering as we connect the dots between our daily consumption and its effects upon our environment.

Better yet, when we do something about it.

There’s nothing like shopping some place that makes you feel good about your purchase, like a health food store, a farmer’s market or supporting a local business. But here’s an interesting fact: While organic products and sustainable living can at times cost more on the front end, Woodstock Bring Your Own founder, Alex Bolotow has created a ‘refilling station’ that is actually less expensive than buying new products in a conventional manner. It’s conservation that crosses economic divides — making this a no-excuse proposition available to all.

So here’s the deal. You can bring ANY container, jar, or bottle to WBYO and fill it with hand soap, laundry detergent, dish washing soap, hand/body lotions, household cleaners, etc. Imagine how revolutionary this could be in the long run. Not only does it prod us to rethink how we consume, it empowers us to do our part to reduce our own carbon footprint… one bottle at a time.

This eco-chic new addition to my hometown also includes items like reusable straws (that fly out the door), coffee cups, grocery bags and containers. You’ll find things like yoga mats made from cork and recycled rubber (how cool is that), essential oils, refillable floss containers, even raw materials to make your own cosmetics and beauty products. I have to say, I’m kind of surprisingly addicted to the charcoal tooth powder.

And of course, Alex literally puts her money where her mouth is and accepts various recycling streams at her shop as well: toothbrushes, toothpaste tubes, floss containers, plastic packaging and bottle caps. But remember to bring your own bag…

The time is now to recognize how we can all do better in this department. Mother Nature is beckoning your best self, will you heed the call?

If you are local, please visit Alex’s new store in Woodstock, New York or follow her on Instagram as she continues to forge a new path for us all to walk. And may it inspire you to get yourconservation wheels a turning!

You may also enjoy reading Garbage To Garden | Easy Curbside Composting by Kristen Noel

The post Woodstock Bring Your Own: Rethinking Consumption, One Bottle at a Time appeared first on BEST SELF.

Divine botanical soaps and candles — infused with gemstones, mantras and deeper messaging, sustainably produced and beautiful to the senses

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They had me at natural, vegan, sustainable, pure essential oils and ‘spiritual massage’. And did I mention the beauty and crisp, modern packaging?

A delight for the senses — gorgeous handcrafted products made from organic ingredients, infused with not only plant botanicals and essential oils, but with gemstones — and mantras! Now, that’s a lot of gloriousness to pack into one bar of soap.

The overall messaging from our friends over at LifeStone, husband and wife team Victor and Marcelle, is simple — it’s a melding of wellness, nature and their commitment to healthy living body, mind and spirit. Influenced by their love of massage, each bar of soap is intended to nurture the body as the gemstone gently massages the skin when you wash.

And the candles! Holy gorgeousness. Made with the same standards, each candle has a stunning crystal lid — with a gem treasure and mantra as well. One look at these beauties and you won’t want to burn them. That is, until you realize they can also be used for massage oil and that the containers are designed to be easily repurposed.

These are simply divine products of purpose, passion and great intention. Did someone say, birthday presents for all my friends?

Give your best self a soul kiss, from a consciously constructed company using only recognizable ingredients.

Here’s an example of the spiritual messages on the packaging of one bar (there’s much more info for each stone, intention and chakra over at their website):

Enchanted Rose: French rose pink clay, rose geranium essential oil, rose quartz soap bar

Spiritual: Polished Rose Quartz – good for confidence, love, gratitude, relationships, connections

Mantra: “I allow the gifts of the Universe to pour into me. I overflow with irresistible confidence.”

So, who’s ready for a spiritual massage…or two? I know I am.

The post LifeStone: Luxury Soaps & Candles Meet Soul Kiss appeared first on BEST SELF.

Artist Shannon Downey melds cross stitch with activism, formulating a new form of craftivism one stitch at a time

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Where there is voice, there is power.

Shannon Downey

This is not your Grandmother’s cross stitch. Nope.

What happens when old school meets activism in the form of craftivism? Badass Cross Stitch, of course! Straight from the Manifesto on their website, this company exists to inspire, enable, encourage, push boundaries, change shit and engage — in other words, to put down our devices and make something (like meaningful change in the world).

Badass Cross Stitch works exude a sense of old world meets new, legacy in action. Having recognized the stories captured in cross stitch from centuries ago, founder Shannon Downey grew curious about how history got recorded — and began to contemplate the notion of which stories would we leave behind?

“You and I know that our history books are full of half-truths, outright lies, omissions, and erasures. A history told through a white man’s lens. You and I also know that every life and every story matters. That the more voices we hear only serve to enrich our understanding, our perspectives, and our choices.” ~ Shannon Downey

 And so a badass and a cross-stitcher was born…and as they say, the rest is Badass HERstory.

If you have a social media account — you’ve likely come across at least one of her many cross stitch works that have gone viral.

So, how could she shift the narrative? Well… one stitch at a time.

Yeah, and as you have probably suspected, Shannon has bold, lofty goals commensurate with her sass and style, already in motion. In what she considers to be her most ambitious project to date, Badass HERstory, she has sent out an invitation to all — to participate in a massive global craftivism project meant to capture and share the stories of as many women, female-identified, and gender non-binary humans as possible.

If you want to learn more about this art installation the likes of which the world has never seen — if you are ready to put down your devices, get crafting, learn to embroider, and use your hands and heart to slow down and create a beautiful analog version of your story — if you are ready to make Badass HERstory, click here.

View the Badass HERstory video

As always, I’m intrigued by the genius behind the messages, the face and the deeper story. I couldn’t resist asking Shannon a few questions.

Q&A

with Shannon Downey and Kristen Noel

Kristen: Your website tagline reads, “Put more analog in your digital” but clearly you are getting your ‘digital’ on with over 73K followers on Instagram. Tell us how that unfolded. How do you use your digital-dom to your advantage? When did you recognize its potential for good and how do you balance that (particularly when your images go viral)?

Shannon: I love digital. I love social media. Running a digital marketing company for 10 years had me connected to a device 24/7 and touting the potential for social media to do good… until I was blue in the face. I was over it. I needed a break. I started stitching as a way to get more analog time in my life. Creating space to disconnect was exactly what I needed. But as they say, “pictures or it didn’t happen!” Naturally, I started posting my stuff on Instagram and folks were digging it.

I spent the first few years sharing tutorials and creating patterns for folks to encourage them to stitch and engage. As the culture of the country started changing, stitching was a way for me to process or respond to what I was experiencing — and folks definitely responded to that. When a few of my pieces went viral, my audience grew substantially. My digital community really connected with not only what I was stitching, but the writing I was doing to accompany the stitch. I saw an opportunity to really engage with people around hard subjects…to be able to put an idea in front of them for consideration and then have some quality dialogue around it.

It has been amazing! It’s the best side of social media and it feels really important to both model that and expect it from my community. My Insta community feels like a truly brave space for people who want to learn and grow and have challenging conversations. I moderate the shit out of it to make sure it stays that way. 

Kristen: Your iconic piece, “Boys will be boys held accountable for their fucking actions” was translated to Urdu — can you tell us how that impacted you? Has the power of potential reach sunk in?

Shannon: That was so incredible to me. Boys will be boys seemed like such a colloquialism to me that I had no idea that it would translate across cultures and languages (although it’s hardly surprising if I spend half a second thinking about it). It was so very cool to me to see that. The reach has been unfathomable to me and really speaks to our shared experiences. 

Kristen: Were you surprised by your massive following? When did it start, what does it say for other people? What words of wisdom do you have for people to get their own voices out there and go for it even when it doesn’t make sense?

Shannon: I think anytime you are doing something that is authentically you — you will find your people. Everyone can spot fakes… the folks who are ‘crafting a personal brand’ versus just being themselves. You have to know who you are, what you believe in, what you want to say and contribute, and then stand in that truth no matter what. It takes a lot of work to know yourself like that.

Do the work. Figure out your truth and own it. Understand your intention. My intention is to have a positive impact on the world and to educate others and myself in the process. When you approach the work from a true place of giving and growing — you cannot fail. I say that, having failed countless times when my intentions were selfish because I didn’t know myself well enough yet.

Kristen: Have you received haters / pushback? If so, how have you dealt with that?

Shannon: Hahahaha! I’m trying to topple the patriarchy… haters abound! I have done the work. I know who I am and I can stand in that. I know what I’m willing to sacrifice and I know how far I will go to keep this movement moving forward. That scares the shit out of the haters. In this case I mean true haters, not just folks who happen to disagree with me or push back against an idea I present. Those folks are welcomed and some transformative conversations come out of those dialogues. True haters/trolls/misogynists…they get blocked and deleted. Simple as that. I don’t engage. I simply block and delete. I don’t owe anyone anything.

Kristen: What lights you up right now? What’s keeping you inspired and creating?

Shannon: WOMEN! I am so inspired and grateful for all of the bravery that I’m seeing right now. I’m seeing hard conversations — people pushing themselves — allowing themselves to be uncomfortable in service to growth and true systemic change. I could scream it makes me so happy!

View the Gallery — Tap any thumbnail to enlarge:

You may also enjoy reading The Kids: A Photographic Study of Children of Gay Parents by Gabriela Herman

The post Messages In The Making: Inspiring A Movement, One Badass Cross Stitch at a Time appeared first on BEST SELF.

Mark Hyman, M.D.

FOOD: Unraveling the Confusion

April 12, 2018, New York City

Photographs by Bill Miles

Your fork is the most powerful tool to transform your health and change the world.

~ Mark Hyman, M.D.

Kristen:            Thank you for inviting Best Self into your home today. Our paths have crossed many times over the last couple of years, but I’m very excited and honored to be here today and to have the opportunity to celebrate your incredible work in the world.

Mark:               Thank you.

Kristen:            So before I get started, I think I should make a proper introduction to our audience.

Dr. Mark Hyman is a man on a mission with a desire to set the record straight about all things food. Systems, policies, and its connection to the environment, economy, social justice, personal health… and helping us figure out what the heck we should be eating in order to live healthy, vibrant lives.

Doctor Hyman is the director of the Cleveland Center for Functional Medicine, Chairman of the Board for the Institute for Functional Medicine, and Founder and Director of the Ultra Wellness Center.

He is a 10x number one New York Times best-selling author, and an internationally recognized leader, speaker, educator, and advocate in his field. His latest book Food is truly an ode to demystifying and debunking food myths, discerning complex science, and making sense of it all. Thank God!

So, with no disrespect intended, I have to say this book is really good. Not that I didn’t expect you to write a good book, but I was really surprised to have been captivated by a book about food.

I’d love to start with understanding more about where this journey started for you. Mark Hyman decides to go to medical school, but how does that lead into Functional Medicine? And where does Mark Hyman make the connections to identifying that food really is the key to health and wellness?

Mark:               It’s a great question. It actually started before medical school, when I was in college at Cornell. I moved into a house with a bunch of folks and one of them was a PhD student in nutrition. He was studying the role of fiber in gut flora, which I thought was pretty fascinating. And remember this was four decades ago.

Kristen:            Right, nobody even knew we had gut flora at that time! [laughing]

Mark:               He gave me this book that changed my life, which was called Nutrition Against Disease by a guy named Roger Williams. He was one of the fathers of the notion of biochemical individuality: how we’re all different, and the notion that we can change disease, particularly chronic disease, by what we eat. That book set the framework in my mind of perceiving food as medicine.

At the same time I was also studying systems theory and systems thinking, and the connections between different healing systems and how the body works. That all blended into this predisposition to think differently about the body and health and healing. I actually majored in Chinese and was going to go to China to study Chinese medicine, but decided I didn’t want to spend my 20’s in a fascist dictatorship.

So, instead I decided I’d apply to medical school and see if I got in. At the time I was majoring in Buddhism, which is a revolutionary way of thinking about how our suffering and perceptions work. I studied the Medicine Buddha, which was all about how we actually have to rethink our relationship to our bodies, our health, our world, and ourselves. With that I went to medical school and I got kind of brainwashed for the first bit.

I just decided to suspend all of my previous thinking and take in this system as whole and see what happened. I became fascinated with the body from that perspective. I had a great time in medical school, became a family doctor, and was always focused on nutrition and health and wellness. In my own life, I was a yoga teacher before I was even a doctor — that was like 40 years ago when nobody was even doing yoga. I went to a yoga studio here in New York City. At the time, there was one yoga studio with about 5 people in it. Today, you’re lucky if you can get a spot in a class even if you go an hour beforehand. [laughing]

Kristen:            We’ve come a long way baby!

Mark:               And then when I was 36 years old, I got really sick and ended up having a complete collapse of all my systems as a result of mercury poisoning from when I lived in China. That led to my having to figure out what was going on, because no one could help me. No traditional doctors were helping me. I had gut issues, cognitive issues, severe muscle pain, and autoimmune disease. All these things were happening simultaneously.

Through that process I discovered this new model of thinking called ‘Functional Medicine’, which is a systems approach to disease; it’s looking at root causes. It’s really the science of creating health as opposed to just treating disease. It asks the question, Why? Why is this occurring? Instead of, What disease do I have?

In traditional medicine we are more focused on What: What disease do I have, what drug do I give based on symptoms and geography. As opposed to new thinking where the microbiome teaches us that your gut flora may cause depression and autism and cancer and heart disease and diabetes and obesity and on and on and on — which doesn’t make any sense within our current framework of disease.

You don’t go to a rheumatologist and hear them ask, “Well, how is your gut flora?” Or the cardiologist and hear, “Well, what’s going on with your gut?” But that’s actually what the future of medicine.

Functional Medicine is a way of shortening the gap from the science to the practice.

Kristen:            First of all, as I’m sitting here listening to you I can’t help but think of you as a college student and note how fortunate you were to have come in contact with this information so young in your life. I wasn’t previously aware of your health issues, but can only imagine that all that came before culminated in setting the stage for you not laying down on getting answers. I can only imagine the tests the traditional doctors must have run you through.

Mark:               They wanted to give me anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medication, sleep medication, pain medication. I thought this is really horrible and was like, No, no, there’s something going on here and I’m not depressed, I know what’s going on.

Kristen:            How fortunate that you had this sort of yin/yang, Eastern/Western sensibility and approach and that it planted seeds in your life to seek out more. You probably didn’t really know what you were going to do with it all, but it seems like it all came together when you needed it most.

Mark:               Yes, through the retrospective-scope you can see how everything connects in your life. It’s understanding the flow of your life and following different doorways and actually seeing how they all connect looking back. Everything I didn’t learn actually set me up for rethinking the way things are and asking the right questions. So, this is really all about a rethinking of disease and health.

We know that the most powerful drug on the planet is food.

We had a woman in one of our groups at Cleveland Clinic recently who had been on insulin for 20 years, a Type 2 Diabetic, and within three weeks she was completely off insulin and medications, and her blood sugars were normal. That’s the power of food. There’s no drug that can do that.

Kristen:            This notion of food as medicine is a discovery that I only made in my own life maybe five years ago. I had previously pegged food as good and bad — but never really understood that connection of food as medicine. As you say, the most powerful tool that we have is our fork.

Why are we not making these connections?

Mark:               We’ve all been taught that food is energy, that it’s calories, that you need it for sustenance to keep things going, but that aside from that, as long you don’t eat too much, and as long as you exercise enough, then everything’s fine.

Kristen:            As long as I’m thin, then all is well, right?

Mark:               There are a lot of people who are thin and are not healthy. So, it’s not necessarily equated to thinness. It’s the idea that food is actually more than calories, that it’s not all about exercising more and eating less; it’s actually about the quality of the food and what that does to your biology that matters.

You think about 1,000 calories of broccoli and 1,000 calories of soda — are they the same because they have the same amount of energy? No, they’re different because they have different effects on your biology. In a laboratory when you burn them they’re the same in a vacuum, but we’re not in a vacuum — we’re a living, breathing, dynamic organism. So when you eat different food it has information and instructions, like an operating system programming your biology with every bite. It doesn’t happen over decades, it happens over minutes in terms of your gene expression and your hormones that get produced.

If you eat sugar, your stress hormones go up; if you eat fat they go down. If you look at how it affects your immune system, it regulates inflammation — food is either anti-inflammatory or inflammatory depending on what you eat. It affects your brain chemistry whether you produce happy mood chemicals or depressed chemicals. It affects behavior. We know that violence can be caused by the wrong kinds of foods. We know it also affects your gut microbiome with every bite.

So with literally with every single bite of food, you’re giving your body instructions to either create disease or create health in real time, and it’s powerful.

Kristen:            And it’s simple.

Mark:               Yes. Focus on what you eat; you don’t have to worry about how much. How many people are going to eat 10 avocados? Nobody’s going to do that. But you can easily eat 10 cookies, right?

Kristen:            You work with individual patients and you work with organizations. You’ve worked with policy makers, influencers. You’ve collaborated with fellow leaders in the field, you’ve worked with testifying before the White House Commission and the Senate. You’ve also consulted with the Surgeon General, advised world leaders, politicians, and celebrities. And you’ve even introduced the Enrich Act to Congress with our friend Congressman Tim Ryan to fund the inclusion of nutrition into medical education.

This is such a shocking statistic. Can you tell us how much nutritional educational is included in the curriculum of Western medical studies?

Mark:               I think relevant nutrition education — almost none. Less than 25% of medical schools have the recommended nutrition hours within their curriculum, according to the National Academy of Science’s recommendations. When you include the hours that are actually given, they’re mostly about nutritional deficiency diseases, about managing people on feeding tubes. It’s not about using food as medicine.

Kristen:            When you got sick, where were you in your life? Were you in med school? And how did you start navigating your way out of that?

Mark:               I had been working for a number of years as a family doctor when I got sick.

I was really fortunate to have been introduced to a guy named Jeffrey Bland who studied with Linus Pauling, the PhD Nutritional Biochemist, who in my view is one of the smartest and most prescient thinkers in medicine. The ideas that he introduced me to 20 years ago are just now becoming understood in medicine as relevant.

He presented a paradigm of medicine that was really different, and I thought, this guy’s either crazy or he’s really onto something. And if he’s right, I owe it to my self and my patients to do something about it. So I started voraciously consuming research, learning and studying. In doing so, I realized there was a different way of thinking about disease. It was like learning a language, and I finally got it and started to try this with people and saw extraordinary results — things that I could never imagine possible as a traditionally trained doctor.

Kristen:            You also mentioned in the book that you have 35 years of nutritional study.

Mark:               40 now. [laughing]

Kristen:            Okay, 40. You have a lot of nutritional education. But even with that, you state that the science is still confusing to you. So, if you don’t understand it how are we supposed to understand it?

Mark:               Well, I think it can be confusing because of the way the science is done. When I was in medical school I thought science was this pure, unbiased field of truth. And what I learned is it’s often very corrupt depending upon who funds it.

Marion Nestle was a nutritionist at New York University who is now writing a book talking about how the food industry corrupts nutritional science by funding studies that obfuscate the truth on purpose and then promote them and market them. Soda companies study obesity and find there’s no link between soda and obesity. The Dairy Council funds studies on dairy finding that it’s nature’s perfect food. Independent studies find the opposite.

Kristen:            They cherry pick their science.

Mark:               Yes. 99% of the studies on artificial sweeteners done by a food industry find they’re safe. 99% of studies done by independent researchers find they’re harmful. So that’s the kind of stuff we’re battling.

Plus we have to look at how they were designed; what the population was, when it was done, whether it proves cause and effect, what the basic science is. And that’s really not part of the conversation for most people.

Meat is a great example. We’ve been told that meat is bad because we believe that meat contains saturated fat; saturated fat is bad, hence we should not eat meat. Well, there was no proof of that. It was all based on some very poorly done studies that show that saturated fat may be correlated with heart disease, which turns out not to be true.

And when people were looked at who ate meat over long periods of time, the data from hundreds of thousands of people who took food questionnaires every year, the one’s who ate meat seemed to have more disease. But it turns out, when you look at the characteristics of many meat eaters, these are people who weren’t concerned about their health. Statistically, these people smoke more, they drink more, they eat less fruits and veggies, they don’t take their vitamins, they don’t exercise, they drink more alcohol. Of course they have more heart disease!

The people who didn’t eat meat were considered more healthy, but they were biased actually, and considered healthy because they exercised, ate well and avoided meat — but it wasn’t the meat that was the problem.

So we get really confused by these kinds of studies, and the average person doesn’t have the scientific training to actually understand this. Even most doctors don’t.

Kristen:            And when a study comes out, somebody in the general population has to dig in and find out who’s actually behind the study. When did food get so complicated?

Mark:               We didn’t really need doctors or nutritionists to tell us what to eat for most of our history of humanity, right?

Kristen:            Right.

Mark:               And now everybody’s confused. I think that’s really why I wrote the book. The government tells us guidelines that don’t match the science. The media is also confusing us. The science itself is confusing. The food industry has got their finger in there. So it’s a mess.

I really sifted through it and all the controversies. People ask me, “What about this? What about that? Should I eat this? What about vegan? What about paleo? What about dairy?”

Kristen:            So, what about all of those? How are you eating now? Are you a vegan or a vegetarian?

Mark:               When you look at the data you can believe anything. If you’re a vegan you can say, if you eat meat you’re going to die, it’s going to kill you. If you listen to the paleo folks, if you eat as a vegan you’re going to get sick and be nutritionally and protein deficient and die. They both can’t be right, right?

So what is the truth that we know about nutrition? What can we distill it down to? What are the principles that are flexible, that can accommodate a wide variety of diets that aren’t rigid, but that are based on good science?

I was sitting at a table once with a vegan cardiologist and a friend of mine who’s a paleo doc who were fighting like cats and dogs. I interjected, “Well, if you’re paleo and you’re vegan, I must be pegan.” I said it as a spoof. I mean, we certainly don’t need another diet. But what I realized is that it’s not a diet, it’s a set of principles, and they’re things that almost everybody agrees on — including the paleo and vegan communities and everybody in between.

Kristen:            WOW. There is a God — something they can agree on.

Mark:               Exactly. So I basically just synthesized the research into 12 really simple principles that people can follow:

One, we should eat foods that are low glycemic. There is a powerful driver of all chronic disease: sugar and starch. These are foods we’re eating in pharmacological doses — 152 pounds of sugar, 133 pounds of flour each year per person, that’s average. And we know that causes diabetes, heart disease, cancer, dementia, depression, and much more. Nobody’s going to disagree with that.

Second, we should be eating foods that are mostly plants. So we call it a plant-rich diet, not plant-based. 75% of your plate should be non-starchy vegetables, some fruits, but not high amounts of fruits because they can be high glycemic if you binge on tons of pineapple or grapes. And we should be eating a lot of good fats: avocados, olive oil, nuts and seeds. Nobody disagrees with that. Some people disagree on the saturated fat question.

The other thing is we should be avoiding refined oils and refined foods in all forms. I think nobody thinks we should be eating a diet that’s rich in pesticides and herbicides and antibiotics and hormones, full of additives, chemicals, preservatives and dyes. We eat 3,000 food additives in our average diet, and we eat about three to five pounds per person per year of food chemicals, food dyes for example. That’s never been looked at as a cohesive issue, and it’s a big problem linked to all sorts of behavioral and cognitive issues.

We should be eating a lot of nuts and seeds; everybody agrees that those are beneficial and healthful. If we are eating animal products, we should be eating foods that are grown in a way that restores the soil, a way that preserves water and doesn’t treat the animals inhumanely. That’s what we call regenerative agriculture.

Kristen:            I really believe that there is a disconnect between what is on our forks and how it affects our planet, not just our physical health.

Mark:               I was ambitious in this book to try to make a simple practical set of tools that people can use when they go to the grocery store.

Kristen:            By the way, I think you need to do an app, because I think it’s so practical and so well done that I would love to be able to pull it up on my phone.

Mark:               Well, if you go to FoodTheBook.com you can download the ‘Food Road Map’. I synthesize the entire book into one simple page.

So, for example if you’re going to eat meat, here’s what you need to know, don’t eat that / eat this. If you’re going to have dairy, here’s what you need, don’t eat that /eat this.

Kristen:            …look for these labels, etc. I appreciated the section about barbecuing — which marinades are helpful and the benefits of infusing things like garlic and rosemary.

Mark:               I also tried to make it really practical, to connect the dots for people to understand that what they’re eating isn’t just a personal choice, that it affects the soil, it affects our water shortages globally, it affects the climate change, it affects environmental degradation from nitrogen runoff into the rivers and streams and lakes that kills huge amounts of life — which lead to dead zones the size of New Jersey.

It leads to educational challenges because kids are too sick to learn and then have achievement gaps where they end up having poor lives, are less successful and less likely to go to college. Where we have more poverty and violence and social injustice because of how our food system targets the poor and minorities. Where we have even national security issues because kids are too sick and fat to fight — 70% of military recruits get rejected in the south.

And it affects the economy, which is so burdened by Medicare and Medicaid. By 2042, 100% of our entire federal budget will be Medicare and Medicaid. Now it’s a third of most state’s budgets. It’s the biggest driver of our federal deficit, yet nobody’s really talking about it because of the chronic disease that affects one in two Americans that’s driving all of our economic crises.

Kristen:            In terms of making those connections that you’re talking about, from our fork to the planet basically, meat is a really good example.  It’s so difficult to figure out if it’s okay, where do I get it, what does it have in it, does it have antibiotics that are now going to get passed to me. So, I appreciate how you broke down all the chapters and gave all these really tactical tips like looking for the ‘American Grass Fed’ label.

Mark:               I think we have been told that meat is a problem for the planet, it’s a problem for our health, and there really are three issues when it comes to meat. I want to live to be 120, so I wanted to know if meat was something that I should be eating. I didn’t want to rely on other people’s opinions. So I literally pulled all the best research on meat, it was a huge stack, and I locked myself in a hotel room for a week and I read it all. I studied it, I compared it, and I looked at the patterns, at the other issues around environment and climate change and so forth.

Kristen:            You geeked out.

Mark:               I totally geeked out.

I realized there were three issues. One is moral. I mean if you’re a Buddhist monk, and I have Buddhist monks as clients, then you don’t have to eat meat. Then there’s the environment issue, which is a big one because factory farm animals are bad for the planet in so many ways (I’ll get into that in a minute), and the third is health.

The data is pretty clear on the health issue. There is actually no long-term harmful effects from eating meat, and there are probably a lot of beneficial effects. The big question is, what is the quality of the meat? Is it factory-feedlot meat? Is it a factory- farmed chicken? Is it a factory-farmed fish? Those are not great for us for a lot of reasons. From health points of view and from animal rights points of view.

As far as the environmental issues go, people say, “Well yes, meat is bad for the environment.” And I would agree; I think the way we grow meat in the planet is harmful. 70% of the world’s agriculture lands are used to grow food for animal production. 70% of our fresh water, which is only 5% of the world’s water supply, is used to grow animals. This is a bad idea.

Plus, the way we grow the food depletes the soil, which then leads to the inability of the soil to hold carbon. This is important because if carbon is released into the environment it causes climate change. Soil is one of the biggest carbon sinks. The rain forest is as well, but so is the soil, in fact it may be even more important. We till the soil, we erode the soil, and as a result we’ve lost over a billion acres to erosion and desert.

Kristen:            And we deplete the nutrients.

Mark:               We grow food in depleted soils. We see droughts and floods because when the water hits these depleted soils it can’t hold the water and it will run off and cause floods.

The way we use pesticides and herbicides, basically the nitrogen from industrial farming goes in the rivers and lakes and causes an over growth of algae, which then kills the oxygen.

It’s a bad system and it’s causing enormous environmental destruction. When you look at the entire food system as a whole, including food waste and all the components, it’s the number one cause of climate change.

So I agree, we should not be eating factory-farmed animals. But then the question is what about meat? If you look at the research on regenerative agriculture, it’s really amazing. When you use animals to graze on lands, it can restore the soil. We had 60 million bison in this country 150 years ago. We killed them all to get rid of the Native Americans. And they produced tons and tons of top soil, literally 20-30 feet of top soil in some areas in America. Now we’ve eroded that.

But it’s not the animals themselves; it’s how we raise them. We have 80 million cows, but if they were on grasslands — and we can sustainably raise them on grasslands — we can raise them in ways that are better for us, better for the planet. It actually can help restore the soil. Estimates suggest that by doing this at scale, we can bring that carbon in the environment to a pre-industrial time, basically completely reversing climate change.

But nobody’s really connecting the dots. People say, “Oh we should eat less meat.” Well yes, the wrong meat — but the right meat, if we eat more of it and we actually change our agricultural model and we support that with subsidies instead of factory farming, we have an opportunity to make a huge impact on our health and the health of the planet.

Kristen:            And again, it’s about making that connection — asking where what’s on my fork came from and how it got here. You also had some pretty shocking information in the book about how some farm-fed cattle were being fed candy still in wrappers…and it’s legal.

Mark:               They’re fed stale candy. They’re fed ground up animal parts, all kinds of junk. And you know: You are not what you eat; you are what you are eating ate.

Kristen:            Which also leads into how they are force-fed antibiotics.

Mark:               Yes. Antibiotic use in animal husbandry is a real problem because we’re seeing tens of thousands of deaths a year from antibiotic-resistant bugs that are caused by factory farming.

Kristen:            So let’s also talk a little bit about how we’re being led down a path, how diet fads evolve and how everybody sort of jumps on board with something.

You say in the book that the food industry has invited itself into our homes and encouraged us to outsource our food and cooking. This has been the breakdown of so many things, in particular the family dinner and our relationship to food.

Mark:               This is actually fascinating: how did we move away from families cooking at home? In 1900, 2% of meals were eaten outside of the home; today it’s 50%.

Kristen:            Think of the tradition that went along with that. Think of your grandmother’s kitchen — you remember the smells, the certain foods, the traditions.

Mark:               And then after World War II, there was the rise of the processed food industry, and there was an interesting movement at the same time to empower people to cook at home. They had federal extension workers who would go around to new families and teach the families how to cook and grow gardens and make real food.

There was a woman named Betty who was a home economics teacher who was very passionate about this and very vocal about it. The food industry got together and said, “We can’t have this, we have to figure out how to get our products out in the marketplace.”

So they decided to create this culture of convenience. Convenience became the prime value that we adhered to, and when that happened we started insinuating processed food into our products at home. Remember ‘Betty Crocker’?

Kristen:            We’re aging ourselves by saying we know who Betty Crocker is. [laughing]

Mark:               My mother had the Betty Crocker Cookbook.

Kristen:            Whose didn’t?

Mark:               …and there was a picture of Betty Crocker on the front of the cookbook, and I thought Betty Crocker was a real person.

Kristen:            So did I.

Mark:               Turns out she was a fabrication of the food industry. So General Mills convened a group (which now would probably be an anti-trust issue)…

Kristen:            …which was a brilliant strategic marketing idea.

Mark:               …to get them to actually create this culture of convenience. It started with things like  the Betty Crocker Cookbook, which you may remember was filled with the recipes that included ingredients like a can of Campbell’s Cream of Chicken soup, Velveeta cheese, or Ritz crackers. Then they moved onto TV dinners and to more and more processed food and more fast food, and ultimately we end up having this culture where Americans don’t know how to cook anymore. They’ve literally hijacked America’s kitchens, our taste buds, our brain chemistry, our metabolism, and we need to take them back.

Kristen:            Hijacked by convenience… and Betty!

Mark:               Yes, and the family dinner has been disrupted. The average family eats dinner 20 minutes three times a week at most, each eating a different food from a different factory that’s processed, packaged, and put in a microwave. That is not a family dinner. All of this while they’re watching TV or are on their phones. And that breakdown has led to the breakdown of many important things.

We see kids having more trouble in school, more behavioral issues, more anorexia and bulimia, more obesity. We need to inculcate our kids with values and teach them about food and how to cook. I cooked dinner every night with my family even though I was a busy doctor.

Kristen:            In the vein of moving towards ‘real’, in your book you alluded to the idea that we shouldn’t be eating things that perhaps we didn’t find in our grandmother’s kitchens or our great-grandmothers kitchens. Right?

Mark:               Yes. Michael Pollan has a great book called Food Rules. One is: If your grandmother wouldn’t recognize this as food you shouldn’t eat it.

Kristen:            If it has 37 ingredients, it’s not a food.

Mark:               Right, it’s a food-like substance. If the cereal turns your milk a different color, you probably don’t want to eat it.

Kristen:            Let’s talk about cost. People always say things like, “Yeah, that’s great for them to say, but organic is really expensive. I don’t have a Whole Foods or I don’t have a health food store, or I don’t have access to purchasing something online from a resource.” How do you speak to that?

Mark:               It’s a real problem. There are areas of food insecurity and food deserts in America where there are 10 times as many fast food convenience stores as there are grocery stores. But the research has shown that the average cost of actually eating well is about $1.50 a day more. We actually know how to eat well for less, and I think it’s a hierarchy party.

Not everybody has to eat a grass fed $70 rib eye steak, right? And nobody has to have heirloom tomatoes. We can eat real food first. I think the first hurdle is getting off of processed food, getting off of fast food and eating real food.

I had a real awakening when I was part of the movie Fed Up, which is about the role of the food industry in pushing sugar and low fat foods and driving the obesity epidemic. As part of the movie, I went to see this family in South Carolina in one of the poorest communities and one of the worst food deserts in America. This family of five lived in a trailer.

Kristen:            Please define what a food desert is, in case someone isn’t familiar with the term.

Mark:               A food desert is essentially a place where it’s really hard to find real food. You can go and get processed food in a convenience store, but you’re not going to find a lot of real healthy food.

This area I visited has 10 times as many convenience stores and fast food restaurants as grocery stores, and the family lived on a budget because they were on food stamps and disability. The father was 42 and on dialysis for kidney failure from diabetes. The mother was 100+ pounds overweight. The son was 16 and almost diabetic, very overweight. I went to their house, and instead of telling them, “Here, you should eat better,” I said, “Let’s make a meal together.”

So we went shopping, we got real food. I used a guide called Good Food On A Tight Budget, which is from the Environmental Working Group where I’m on the board. We made real food with the cheapest, healthiest grains and beans, with the cheapest, healthiest nuts. In every category of real food, we choose one of the cheapest forms that are still good for you and good for the planet and good for your wallet. And I said, “Here’s how we cook.”

They didn’t have anything in their house that was real. Everything they thought was healthy was a result of the way they were marketed to. They didn’t know that their salad dressing was full of high fructose corn syrup and refined oils and gums that cause leaky gut. They didn’t know that their Cool Whip said zero trans fat on the label, but because of a loophole in the labeling laws, that it was all trans fat and all high fructose corn syrup. They didn’t know their Jiffy Peanut Butter was full of trans fats and high fructose corn syrup.

They didn’t know how to chop a vegetable, they didn’t have cutting boards, they didn’t have knives…they just didn’t know.

Kristen:            And they’re not alone. You’re not shaming the family.

Mark:               No, I’m shaming the food industry, which has deliberately perverted our food system.

It was really an eye opener understanding that Wow, they really didn’t know. So we made this simple meal of turkey chili. I made a salad with real lettuce, not iceberg lettuce, just olive oil and vinegar, salt and pepper dressing. We chopped garlic, we chopped some onions, we roasted some sweet potatoes. We had to cut our sweet potato with a butter knife because they didn’t have a cutting knife, and we roasted them with herbs in the oven. Very simple, easy to make food — and they loved it and thought it was delicious.

I gave them the guide and one of my cookbooks and told them, “You can do this.” And they did it. They lost a couple hundred pounds in the first year; the son lost 50 and then gained it back because he went to go work at Bojangles — because there’s nowhere to work as a teenager down there. But he got himself together and he lost 120 pounds and is now going to medical school. If they can do it, anybody can do it.

Kristen:            How awesome. And that’s the point, despite living in a food desert…

Mark:              …in extreme poverty

Kristen:            …it is possible and it planted healthy seeds for them.

Mark:               I go through that in the book. One of the best sources of cheaper healthy food, for example, is Thrive Market, which has awesome food at 20-50% off of prices you’d find at Whole Foods. You can find out how to get even grass-fed meats at a great discount by cutting out the middle man and going right to the farmer. There are ways of getting ingredients from all sorts of resources.

Kristen:            It’s getting much better, but we’ve still got a long way to go.

Kristen:            Piggy backing on teaching people how to read labels, it’s really alarming to think that we can’t trust things like the American Heart Association check mark. Can you talk about that for a second?

Mark:               The other thing that’s made us confused is the subversion of public health organizations and advocacy groups by the Food Ministry. For example, a large portion of the budget of American Heart Association and the American Nutrition Dietetic Association and the American Diabetes Association, American Cancer Association — come from the food industry.

Look closely at certain products in the grocery store that have the American Heart Association seal of approval. For example Trix, ‘Trix are for kids’, right? There are seven teaspoons of sugar per serving, there’s so many different kinds of dye, red dye, blue dye, yellow dye — basically you eat it you die — and it’s an unbelievable thing.

They can actually put that seal of approval on that food, and yet if it has any fat in it they say it’s bad. Your low fat yogurt is considered heart healthy. When you look at the ingredients, ounce per ounce, your low fat, sweetened fruit strawberry yogurt has more sugar per ounce than Coca-Cola, but they put their check mark of approval on it. It’s frightening.

So we have to understand that our Public Health Organizations have been subverted and are not actually telling us the truth. On top of that, advocacy groups like ‘Feeding America’, which is a hunger group, have been co-opted by them so they don’t want to promote soda taxes, for example, or promote food stamps not being used for soda. We have the NAACP and Hispanic Federation funded by the soda industry, which is why they come out against the soda taxes, even though their communities are far more affected than any other communities in terms of their levels of obesity and diabetes because of their use of these products.

It really needs to be addressed. We need to protect these groups and our government needs to step in and regulate these things so we don’t have undue influence from industry shaping things and marketing to target these populations.

Kristen:            Cost is a big reality — but so is the cost of our health. How much does that medicine and that dialysis, and all of that end up costing us?

Mark:               That’s true: you pay now or pay later. Your cost of medication and of being sick and off work and disability and that quality of life — those are the externalities we don’t include in our thinking.

The other issue is that we don’t want to include the true cost of the food in the price.

So what is the true cost of a can of Coke? Well, when you count how we grow the corn for the corn syrup and how it depletes the soils and contributes to climate change and degrades the environment, those costs aren’t included. When you count the cost of chronic disease, disability, productivity in the workplace, and how it affects Medicare, Medicaid, our overall economy. Those things aren’t included in the price. If we did, then a can of Coke might be $10 or $20.

Kristen:            I was thinking it would be about $550.

Mark:               So maybe grass fed steak would be a lot better deal. And if we actually included the cost of the savings to health and environment by eating different foods and put those as discounts on the healthy foods, we’d see a big shift.

In fact, there are proposals in Congress to actually make food stamps more expensive to buy junk food. And by the way, the number one item on food stamps is soda. If you look at junk food as a whole, it’s probably tenfold as a category more than any other category of food that is purchased with food stamps. If we actually make it more expensive to buy that stuff and less expensive to buy fruits and vegetables and whole foods, that would shift purchasing patterns and make a big difference.

Kristen:            Right. But the beautiful part of the story you shared is that this family started to sit down and prepare a meal and started to see the results of how that made them feel — emotionally, physically, spiritually. Also how they started to feel about themselves, how they started to go out and interact in the world, I think that starts to empower people to demand more.

Mark:               Absolutely.

Kristen:            There’s so much that we can go into here today, and it’s in the book, and it’s fascinating. You just put it all out on the table. You call everybody out on their bullshit, on demystifying the myths and the lobbyists.

Mark:               It’s all in there, but at the end of the day, it’s a very practical guide. So you can get all into the issues of the environment and the politics and the policies, but at the end of the day it’s really meant to be a practical tool.

Kristen:            It’s not about shaming, it’s about empowering — it’s empowering us to re-navigate our relationship to our food and what we put on our fork and how that attaches to everything else.

Mark:               People may feel powerless in this world — powerless in politics, powerless over the economy, powerless over the environment — but the truth is we are enormously powerful because we vote three times a day with our fork. We vote for its impact on our health, on our planet, on the economy, on politics, on social justice. All these things matter and give us an enormous power.

Imagine what would happen if everybody on the planet decided to not eat any processed food for a day. Everything would change.

Kristen:            And let’s be real — if you’re telling me that changing my diet can change my world —why wouldn’t I try it? What do I have to lose?

Mark:               You could listen to me talk all day and that probably wouldn’t change anything, but that’s why I encourage people to do a 10-day reset. In the book there’s a 10-day reset where you basically take out all the bad stuff and you put in the good stuff and see what happens.

Kristen:            Is coffee on that list?

Mark:               You could keep coffee, but generally I tell people to just get a break and see what happens. People use it for energy, but actually often people’s energy is worse on coffee and it’s better when they get off coffee.

Within 10 days you’ll see profound changes. We saw a 62% reduction in all symptoms and all diseases in just 10 days of this clean eating. Migraines, joint pain, fatigue,  irritable bowel, allergies, sinus issues — in 10 days people see dramatic improvement.

You don’t have to listen to me, listen to your own body.

Kristen:            Do you think people are unaware of the connections?

Mark:               People do not connect the dots. I see patients from all different walks of life and even the most educated and intelligent people don’t connect what they’re eating with how they feel.

The only way to do it is to radically change your diet. You can make incremental changes, but they won’t work. Let’s say if you’re reacting to dairy and gluten and you just cut out dairy, “Well I still feel sick.” Well, yeah of course, because you’re not getting rid of all the things. You’ve got to do a radical reset and then you’ll know, and you don’t have to just listen to me.

Kristen:            I love this book. I love your work. I am really thankful for the opportunity to sit down with you and have this conversation.

I really want to thank you for walking the walk and talking the talk on behalf of us all, because you’re really cracking it open, planting seeds, sparking something that we can all take charge of. Like you said, we can find our voices, find our power, and become more healthy and vibrant.

Mark:               That’s the goal.

Kristen:            I want to end with one parting question for you: If you could close your eyes and wave your magic wand right here right now, what would you change? What would your vision for the future be in regards to your work?

Mark:               I think it would be to empower people to understand how the choices we make really matter. If I were King for a day, I would probably do a sweeping set of policy changes where I create an inter-governmental food agency or food commission to look at these issues as an integrated global problem. I would change the subsidies to support regenerative agriculture and remove them from industrial agriculture. I would change our dietary guidelines to match the science and not be corrupt and confusing.

I would end all food marketing to kids, as well as for all junk food and any food that doesn’t promote health. I would implement soda and junk food taxes, which have worked around the world. I would have a radically different approach to food labeling that makes it clear what people are eating, like in many other countries. In Chile they put warning labels, like on cigarettes, on breakfast cereal for kids. In other countries they have a stop light symbol: green is good, red is bad, yellow is eat with caution. I would make it really clear. And get money out of politics.

Kristen:            You have my vote for King for the day.

Thank you so much, Mark.

Mark:               Of course! Thank you, Kristen.

The post Interview: Mark Hyman, MD | Food: Unraveling the Confusion appeared first on BEST SELF.

Coffee. Consciousness. Convenience.

—

Admit it. When you look around your home, there’s always some place you can do better — and be more environmentally conscious. Sometimes, we turn a blind eye, but sometimes we simply have to take action.

I like my morning coffee. I also like convenience. That typically doesn’t equate to positive environmental impact. My Keurig pods fall into that category. Each day as I toss another empty one in the garbage, I wonder why we can’t do better.

Well, the San Francisco Bay Gourmet Coffee company is doing something about it (and doing something better!)

Fact: 30 million plastic K-cups end up in landfill per day

If that doesn’t stop you in your coffee cup tracks, nothing will. San Francisco Bay Gourmet Coffee’s ‘no waste cups’ are single serve pods that are compatible with Keurigs. They are made  entirely of compostable materials that are transformed to dirt within 90 days!

Who knew? Eco-friendly coffee options and convenience.

I’ll drink to that!

Learn more at sanfranciscobaycoffee.com

You may also enjoy reading Woodstock Bring Your Own: Rethinking Consumption, One Bottle at a Time by Kristen Noel

The post Compostable K-Cups: Finally, a Solution to an Environmental Disaster appeared first on BEST SELF.

Lewis Howes

Redefining Masculinity

January 12, 2018, Los Angeles, CA

Photographs by Bill Miles

If you can’t share the things you’re most afraid of with at least one person in confidence — then that situation has power over you still. And you’re unable to be fully free until those moments in your past don’t own you anymore.

Lewis Howes

Kristen:  Hey, Lewis. Thanks for inviting Best Self Magazine into your home here in sunny California (especially when the temperatures in New York are below zero!).

Lewis:  Thanks for coming.

Kristen:  I wanted to start by properly introducing you to our audience.

Lewis Howes is a New York Times best-selling author and lifestyle entrepreneur. He is also the man behind the mask, The Mask of Masculinity: How Men Can Embrace Vulnerability, Create Strong Relationships, and Live Their Fullest Lives. Lewis is also a rags-to-riches success story. Once a professional football player, his podcast is one of the top 100 on iTunes, he has been recognized by the White House as one of the top 100 entrepreneurs under 30, and has danced with Ellen DeGeneres on her show, just to name a few of his professional accolades. That said, while he is the master of not only setting goals, but achieving those goals —and making millions of dollars in the process — there have been times when his internal life didn’t match that of the external.

Perhaps, as they say, all roads have led to here, this space where he has bravely stepped forward to share how his own childhood wounds propelled him to spend a lifetime surviving behind protective masks. Today, he has peeled back the layers of his own masks and has a deep desire to show others how to do the same.

Lewis:  That’s great.

Kristen:  So, I have to tell you. I read this book, from cover to cover, and it is like music to my best self, mama-to-a-teenage-boy ears. I just want to start out by making sure that everybody understands that this is not just a book for men. This is a book for anyone who has birthed a man, loved a man, works with a man, or wants to be in a relationship with a man.

Let’s just start with WHY. Why this book, and why now? Why, at a pinnacle of your success, are you diving back into some very deep wounds?

Lewis:  I felt like after my last book came out my publisher and my agent were directing me towards doing an entrepreneur book or a business book, telling me this is what you the audience wants. But it just didn’t feel right for me. I was going through a transition in my life and was becoming aware of a lot of the things I’d done in my past and how it hurt me, how it affected me, and how it affected the world. I was becoming aware of it and I was talking more about that. That was the thing that was bringing me the most joy and fulfillment. I need to do this more than anything and I don’t care if it makes any money. I need to go there.

Kristen:  Truth-telling.

Lewis:  I don’t care how long it takes to do. It took two years of my time and energy, essentially taking me away from my business, but I was like, this is the message that needs to come out more than anything from me, because there are not a lot of tall, athletic, white, male, straight, jock-looking guys talking about this.

Kristen:   …talking about their feelings, about their emotions, about their wounding, about the human experience.

Lewis:  About any and all of that — and about being sexually abused.

When I was five, I was sexually abused. I talk about this in the book and I’ve been talking about it for four years now. I don’t see other examples of men that look like me who are opening up about sexual abuse and how it affected every decision of their life from that moment forward — and it’s time for that to change.

1 in 6 men have been sexually abused in their lifetime, yet you never really hear about men talking about it. 1 in 4 women have been sexually abused. It’s probably more in some arenas, but it’s even challenging for women to open up and talk about it. We’re seeing it more often, especially with the #MeToo movement — we’re seeing it every hour in the news with someone else. That said, there are not a lot of former football jocks talking about their experience and how it affected them and how it still affects them.

I felt like it was more of a duty of mine. That if I didn’t open up about this and start talking and having these conversations and researching it, that I would be doing the world a disservice — and myself a disservice.

It became a mission to create a piece of work that can support men reading it, that can support women reading it who may have fathers that were disconnected from them or who never showed them affection — to be able to understand why. I wanted to create an opportunity for others to connect and communicate — and to mend relationships with partners, and sons, and the men in their lives wearing masks.

For me, the key to success and living your best self is relationships. The key to successful relationships is vulnerability. Being able to see inside someone else and say, “I can see you. I can understand. I accept you. I acknowledge you.” Yet, we’ve lost that art of acknowledgement, compassion and connection and I think that’s what’s disconnecting so many men in the world from themselves and other people.

Kristen:   The Mask of Masculinity felt like such a full circle homecoming in a way. In the beginning of this book you described being on a book tour and painted this picture of how it felt; as if literally everybody was looking at Lewis Howes thinking how he’s got it all going on. He’s on the New York Times bestseller’s list. Life is great; he’s seemingly on top of the world. And yet, you said you were walking around feeling like crap, feeling like a fraud.

What propelled you to take a deeper look around and inside you?

Lewis:  I realized that up until that point, my whole life had been about proving people wrong. I had been in the special needs classes. In elementary school I was picked last on sports teams. In fourth grade I was made fun of a lot just for being tall. I just felt like I was always isolated and alone. I became so focused on generating big results and achieving my goals merely to prove people wrong, and it worked for a while (or so I thought).

I put these masks on and was so driven to show people that they were wrong about me. I would do it and then question myself: Why am I not feeling good about myself? Why am I not feeling fulfilled? My response to that was: Maybe I need a bigger dream. Maybe I need a bigger goal to achieve so I can shove it in their faces even more.

Kristen:  …maybe I need to do it for me instead of someone else?

Lewis:  Exactly, yes.

So, I kept doing that. I was a professional athlete. No one else in my school did that. I proved everyone wrong about me. Then I said I’m going to go build a business and make millions of dollars. I proved everyone wrong who said I couldn’t do it. I kept going down this path, checking things off the list. No one thought I was going to be a New York Times bestselling author when I almost flunked out of English in high school.

I was just with a buddy of mine last night who said, “It’s amazing to see where you are now because I remember when we were in class together one time and you were reading out loud from a book struggling with the words. I was watching you thinking, I can’t believe this guy’s struggling to read in college. It’s amazing that now you’re a New York Times bestseller.”

I always struggled to read and to write, but I was so driven to prove people wrong that I could overcome anything. I remember I wasn’t even that fulfilled the day I hit the New York Times list. I was happy for a moment, but then I was trying to understand, Why doesn’t it feel good? Why is something off?

That’s when I realized my entire life I was doing things to win — and everyone else needed to lose in order for that to happen. I wanted to be right and everyone else needed to be wrong. It just was an unfulfilling experience. Then I shifted to realizing that literally, everything needs to change going forward.

This is when I started to open up about the sexual abuse, when I began to really heal from the past stuff. I told myself, “From here on out, I’m going to come from a place of win/win with every interaction in my relationships: personal, intimate, and business.” I had been living the opposite in everything before that.

Kristen:  Thank you for courageously coming forward and talking about that and using the word ‘rape’. You and I spoke off camera because I found it difficult to bring that word into the interview when I was doing my research and writing the notes. As a mama and as a human being, I really applaud you for going back and revealing that — for creating a safe space for other people to come forward with their wounding. This is really something we have to look at collectively as a society. Creating the space where boys are taught that it’s okay and it’s safe to be vulnerable and to share emotions about their experiences.

Lewis:  Exactly.

I was probably the most sensitive kid. I was always crying growing up. I was always sensitive, I was always afraid, hurting myself, and calling out for my mom all the time. At some point, I was told that’s not okay. I was told that’s not manly enough and people didn’t want to be around me if I was sensitive. I remember having guy friends on the sports teams and I would just want to put my arm around them and they’d be like, “Get off me, you’re a fag.”

Kristen:  The messages were conflicting: show emotion, get shut down.

Lewis:  It became unacceptable to show that you cared about your friends. So I had to toughen up just to be accepted. Look, we all want to fit in. We all want to belong somewhere. If my classmates or my teammates in school don’t think that I fit in, or don’t make me belong, then I started to put on masks to say, “Okay, I’ll do whatever it takes for you to accept me.” Otherwise, I’m just going to be isolated my whole childhood and not have any friends. I think early on I was putting on masks to feel like I fit, to feel like I belonged to something. And it worked. I got those relationships. I got friendships, but I always felt something was missing inside.

Kristen:  Unfulfilled on a certain level because you were building something on false pretenses.

Lewis:  Yes, of course.

Kristen:  I know what you have accomplished in your professional life. It’s very admirable. You are an UBER goal setter and you have an amazing capacity to point your target somewhere, go for it, and achieve it. I don’t want to disregard that as a great quality, provided…

Lewis:  …the intention is pure.

Kristen:  Right.

It’s interesting that Oprah recently said, “What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have.”

Lewis:  That was powerful.

Kristen:  I was also thinking as I was reading your book about how crazy the timing is; how so much is converging simultaneously with all of the movements like #TimesUp and #MeToo. With all the outing of sexual abuse by men in power in Hollywood and in politics, it is an idea whose time has finally come.

Lewis:  The challenge is, as wrong as these men are, and with all the events that are unfolding, the common denominator is men in all of these instances. And we want to get to the bottom of why.

A friend of mine just came out yesterday in a People magazine interview talking about how in his first movie, he was sexually abused over and over by the director of the film when he was 21 years old. He’s lived with this guilt and shame for the last 24 years feeling wrong about himself, and is finally starting to talk about it, allowing himself to let it go. These stories aren’t being talked about because there’s so much emphasis on all the wrongdoing of men, which is justified, but there are also men who are hurting who have gone through similar experiences.

Kristen:  So the beauty of that is it’s cracking open a broader conversation. It doesn’t have to be gender specific. Emotions aren’t gender specific and neither is abuse, right?

Lewis:  Right.

Kristen:  As you point out, we really have to start looking at the power of language and the power of the terminology that we’ve been using. We need to look at the things that we may have been told or heard or downloaded as a kid. Things like: ‘man up’, ‘get over it’, ‘be a man’, ‘don’t be a wuss’. And on the flip side, we need to recognize when we routinely make justifications by saying things like, ‘boys will be boys’, chalking it up to biology or testosterone.

In the book you said, “I’m a boy from Ohio. It’s a factory, farming, football, meat-and-potatoes kind of place. The way I was taught to deal with my problems was to smash into things as hard as I could on the football field, maybe in the parking lot, too, if necessary.” You spent a lot of time smashing into things.

Lewis:  Absolutely. Every day practicing football, basketball, whatever, I was always hitting something. That was an outlet for me to express myself because I wasn’t allowed to be affectionate. I wasn’t allowed to communicate in ways that were expressive. I wasn’t allowed to look someone in the eyes and just have a conversation. For me it was like, okay, all the things that I want to say and do, now I can let it out on the football field because it’s a safe space to do that. It was a container that I could do this in every single day to release this aggression.

The true challenge is when that container is no longer there, when there are no more sports, no more football, no more practice, no more games, then how do I release it? What do I do? For a decade this anger, resentment and passive aggressiveness would come out in other ways (and not good ones.)

I didn’t know how to let it go so I thought, okay, I’ll go work out. Then if I wasn’t working out it was like, well, I just need to yell, or I needed to punch something, or ahhh, I don’t know how to express myself so what do I do? It’s not okay to be vulnerable, so I need to express myself with the opposite of that which is not a healthy way to live life.

I was never able to sleep at night until about four years ago. I would go to bed and then lay there for at least an hour. It didn’t matter what time it was, I would just lay there. I never understood why I couldn’t go to sleep.

I would try different things, but nothing would work. I had friends that would just hit the bed and pass out. I was like, how do you do that? They’d say, “Yeah, I can sleep anywhere. On a plane if I close my eyes I go to sleep.” How? Then I realized I was just living with such anxiety and I had a total void of inner peace 24/7. I was always in stress mode, always anxious. Once I was able to find inner peace I was able to sleep at night. About four years ago I was able to start falling asleep within minutes.

Kristen:  So let’s just stop there for a second. What was the thing that cracked you open? Was it a book? Was it a therapist? What made you recognize that you needed to find this inner peace?

Lewis:  It was a perfect storm of events. Unfortunately, I think more commonly than not, it takes a major catalyst in our life, especially if we’re someone that wears a lot of masks, to finally say, “I’m going to look within and be aware of this and start to make some changes.”

For me, I had three events that happened around the same time. One was with a girlfriend. We had a very toxic breakup where I didn’t know how to communicate and express myself. I would take my anger and frustration out on the basketball court or in the gym. I wanted to take it out on her, but I didn’t have the emotional courage to communicate how I was feeling. I just people-pleased and beat myself up.

I also had a business partnership, a relationship where our vision started to go in opposite ways and again, I didn’t know how to communicate what I really wanted. Since I wasn’t getting what I wanted, I was just disconnected and short with him. It escalated into arguments, and not a happy ending to our partnership.

I took this anger to the basketball court as well. Almost every time I would go play basketball I would pick a fight. I would argue. I would talk back. I was literally looking for someone who wanted to fight me. I was instigating it because I didn’t know how else to get those emotions out. At one of these games a guy ended up head butting me, which gave me the okay to hit him back. We got in a brawl on the basketball court where everything I had been carrying bubbled up. I remember at the end of this fight I looked at him and I could barely recognize his face. I started to shake.

The police department was right across the street from this outdoor court. I remember it all hit me in that moment as I was thinking, “I’m 30 years old and I just did this. Everything has been going well for me and yet I could lose everything.” I remember running back to my place here, looking in the mirror, shaking, and trembling.

Kristen:  Like an out-of-body experience.

Lewis:  Yes, I was just looking at myself thinking, “Who are you? What are you doing? Why did you do this? Why are you reacting this way all the time?” It finally hit me that, in reality, everything and nothing was going well in my life.

Kristen:  What’s the common denominator here?

Lewis:  Exactly. Why am I constantly this way? Why am I reacting? Why am I angry? What is it? I didn’t know what it was. I started getting support from some friends. I was going to therapists and talking to them. I was reading books and I was going to different workshops. I thought, I’ll try anything. But my ego was still in the way for a while. I started telling myself that maybe this is just who I am and people aren’t going to understand me because I’m probably not going to understand myself.

Kristen:  So don’t play basketball with me.

Lewis:  I actually stopped playing for a while.

But one of the workshops I attended really got me to dive in deep emotionally. It was an emotional intelligence workshop with a lot of people opening up about their past and things that were going on.

Kristen:  There’s the key phrase, ‘opening up’.

Lewis:  Everyone was opening up.

Kristen:  Being vulnerable in that safe container.

Lewis:  That’s it. I had a container. I had context. People were opening up and sharing things, which made it safer for me to feel like, “Uh, maybe I can share something as well.”

Kristen:  …and maybe I’m not the only one?

Lewis:  It was a five-day workshop and on day three, the facilitator said, “Okay, we’ve talked about things from our past. We talked about parents and relationships of the past, and everything else from your past with everyone. Now we’re moving forward. We’re getting clear on your vision for what you want in your life.”

It was a ‘best self’ type of experience. “What is the life you want to live, moving forward? It’s hard to live that life unless we address things that have been holding us back. So, if there’s anything that you guys haven’t shared that you need to share, if there’s anything you’ve been holding back, now is the time.” It was one of those ‘forever hold your peace’ type of a moments.

In my mind, I’m going through it, feeling like I checked it all off my list. I talked about my parents going through divorce, and being the youngest child and feeling neglected. I talked about my brother, who went to prison for 4 1/2 years, and me not having any friends during that time because none of the neighborhood kids’ parents would allow their kids to hang out with me during that time. They thought I was going to be bad, too. I talked about being picked on, feeling insecure in school.

I talked about all these things and then that moment emerged: What about that time I was raped and sexually abused? How come I’ve never talked about this? Why have I never opened up about this? What have I been holding onto? What is this shame and guilt that I’ve been holding onto?

I thought, I need to say this NOW, otherwise I’ll probably never talk about again it in my life. I was 30 years old at that time. I just stood up and walked in front of the room and told the whole story — like I was in the moment, and just reenacted the whole story, staring at the ground the entire time.

Kristen:  Bravo.

Lewis:  And then I sat down afterwards. I remember during that moment I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes. I sat down and erupted in tears. I just bawled, and bawled, and bawled.

I remember there were two women on each side of me who were hugging me and they were crying. I was just kind of ashamed and embarrassed, so I ran out of the room and just got some fresh air outside of this conference room. And what unfolded next was truly one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

Within a few minutes all the men from that room came up to me outside and gave me a huge hug, looked me in the eye, and said I was their hero. They told me, “You’re so courageous. I’ve held onto this secret that I’ve never told anyone. I was sexually abused when I was young and I haven’t said it to anyone.” I was like, what? That’s when I realized that so many other men have gone through some type of shame or insecurity — whether it be sexual abuse or something else that they’re ashamed of that they’ve never told people.

I realized, okay, so the thing that I was most afraid of talking about is the thing that has connected me on a deeper level to the other people in the group. My biggest fear of having people know about me, the thing I was ferociously hiding, is actually my greatest strength.

People were suddenly asking what they could do for me, how they could support me in getting my message out. It was crazy. They all said, “You’ve got to share this with your family.” I was like, “No, way. This is a safe space in this workshop.”

Kristen:  So your family didn’t know?

Lewis:  No one knew. Not girlfriends, family, no one knew. After this workshop I started sharing one by one with my family. And that was terrifying because I was raped by the babysitter’s son.

Kristen:  So at 5 years old you never told anyone?

Lewis:  Never told anyone. I was terrified.

Kristen:  Were you told not to tell anyone?

Lewis:  No. I guess I had an innate feeling that no one can know about this.

Kristen:  If I don’t talk about it, maybe it will go away.

Lewis:  I just don’t think I had the emotional capacity to be like, “Oh, I should go tell my mom that this happened.” I don’t know. There was no real conversation with my parents, or at school, or class — no conversation directing us that if this happens, if someone does this… here’s what you do. There was no education around this.

It wasn’t until I was somewhere between 11-13 years old when I realized how messed up it actually was; but I remained silent. I always had the vision of that day in my mind. Even right now I can remember exactly what happened. It was kind of like a bad dream that would continuously reoccur, every few days, just a flash.

Kristen:  And you wonder why you weren’t sleeping.

Lewis:  Exactly. There was just no context to share with anyone. I didn’t know how to.

Kristen:  As you say in the book, men don’t have the vocabulary to talk to each other.

Lewis:  Growing up, we’re conditioned by our environments and our experiences and the people we surround ourselves with. I was very conflicted. My parents encouraged me to express myself, but then at school my friends said it wasn’t okay.

Kristen:  Express yourself, but not that much.

Lewis:  So many mixed messages. If you wanted to put your hand on a guy’s shoulder or give him a hug, the message received was always, “get off me.”

Kristen:  Your natural inclination is that of a hugger.

Lewis:  Absolutely.

People would respond, “What are you gay? Are you a fag?” So I was like, whoa, is that bad? This is something that’s happened to me by a man, so am I wrong for that? Even my friends were saying, “Don’t do this, don’t touch me.” Whatever. Why would I ever tell anyone what happened to me if just putting my hand on someone makes me wrong as a friend?

Kristen:  So that’s an early download for you that made it absolutely unsafe for you to express yourself.

Lewis:  Absolutely. I just decided that I was going to become as big and strong as possible so that no one could ever hurt me and that I could always defend myself in any situation. That became my vocabulary. I was determined to defend myself at all costs — physically, emotionally, mentally. If anyone tried to verbally attack me I would defend myself, and never let anyone hurt me or attack me ever again.

It ultimately became an issue online. Once I started to build my business, people would send nasty tweets about me, or critique me, or whatever. Then I would have a raging text conversation with them on Twitter to defend myself. It never did me any good. Those reactions never supported my best self and the vision for my life, and it didn’t bring me inner peace — it perpetuated chaos. Every day I was just trying to defend myself all the time and it left me with a sense of anxiety because I always wanted to get back at them and find a way to make them wrong. It wasn’t until about four years ago when I realized, Wow, this has just been hurting me my entire life and I can’t live this way anymore. 

Kristen:  It’s like redefining what it is to ‘win’.

Lewis:  Absolutely. I realized that it doesn’t matter if I win alone anymore. Being the winner on an island by myself is very lonely and isolating. I decided that in anything I do, everyone else must win around me. Otherwise, it’s not a win for me. How can I win? How can the people around me, and the world win?

Kristen:  Before that you had really been building a moat around yourself, making yourself quite untouchable. Getting to this wonderful notion of the masks that we wear, you say something about how they can also become fused to our faces. We often lose sight of where the man starts and the mask ends and how we peel them off.

You said in the book: “Remember those boxes we stuffed our emotions into when we were younger? As we outgrew the boxes, they transformed into masks that hold us back and hurt our friends, family, career partners, and intimate lovers.”

When did you get this? When did this begin to make sense in your own life and when did you start to connect to this metaphor that these suppressed wounds and emotions are being hidden behind masks?

Lewis:  I don’t know. I think in terms of marketing and packaging ideas. I realized that I was never fully showing my true self. I was always hiding behind something else to prove a point, to fit in. I was like, Man, I’ve just been hiding behind this armor. Throughout my whole life I’ve worn these different types of masks, these portrayals of what I wanted people to accept me as in order to fit in.

Early on it was sports. I was wearing the Athlete mask. That’s what gave me self-worth. When I achieved results, when I won, when I got picked first — that gave me self-worth. That Athlete mask was my identity to bring more self-worth in my life. When that ended and I started building my business, I thought, Hmmm, I have no more identity. No one accepts me as an athlete anymore because I can’t perform on the field.

Kristen:  I gotta get me a new mask!

Lewis:  So what’s the thing that’s going to make me accepted in the next phase of my life? Lots of money. Let me put on the Material mask and show people how much I can make, and how successful I am at business. My net worth became directly correlated to my self-worth. The more money I made, the more it fed my self-worth. If anything went wrong in business, it was like an attack on my self-worth. One of the reasons that the business partnership I mentioned earlier didn’t work out was because I felt like anything he was doing which hurt our business was an attack on me and my self-worth.

Kristen:  Everything was personal.

Lewis:  Everything was personal. The Sexual mask was the phase of my life where I wanted to conquer every woman that I met.

Kristen:  I want to make sure everybody knows how you divided this book up. You discuss this notion of there being 9 dominant masks: the Stoic mask, the Athletic mask, the Material mask, the Sexual mask, the Aggressive mask, the Joker mask, the Invincible mask, the Know-It-All mask, and the Alpha mask.

What’s wonderful about the way you’ve organized this is that you take us through the definition of what each mask is, and then you give some tangible, practical tools for the mask wearer. Hey, try this and if you can free yourself from this mask — this is what you can avail yourself of. Also, I totally love the part regarding women. Can you talk about this for a moment?

Lewis:  As I was doing research and interviewing a lot of psychologists, who were actually the real experts, I realized that I wanted to give men more actionable steps. I wanted to provide some simple things they could to start taking off the mask, to see what’s available on the other side. I also began to understand the real power of relationships.

We have women who have fathers, husbands, boyfriends, sons, brothers, uncles, who all feel disconnected in some way, or something’s not working in those relationships. The real power comes from women when they can connect to the men in their life that they’ve been disconnected from. And to finally mend those relationships by not making men wrong, or telling them they need to change, but by shifting the energy so slightly, and instead being able to resonate and connect with the man who might be wearing a mask.

If you can see that the man in your life is always coming from the Joker mask, if he’s always making a joke and everything’s got to be funny, he can never be serious for a moment. If in any vulnerable situation he tells a joke, there’s something beneath that. There’s nothing wrong with being funny some of the time, but if he can never go into a normal, vulnerable, or serious moment, then something’s beneath that. There’s some type of wound.

When you can understand what that is, then you can speak to the heart of the matter and connect, and resonate in a way that perhaps he’s never felt. When he can feel a little bit safer, then maybe he doesn’t need to tell a joke every ten seconds and instead can just look you in the eyes and have an intimate conversation. That’s progress.

Kristen:  It’s like being in that space where you were able to tell the truth about the rape.

Lewis:  Absolutely. It’s creating context in that environment and in that relationship. That’s what I wanted to be able to help women do as well — to give them some practical things they can try.

Kristen:  Let’s also be clear, it’s not about putting up with anybody’s crap.

Lewis:  No, it’s not about allowing someone to walk all over you or accepting unacceptable behavior.

Kristen:  It’s about loving someone and saying, okay, I’m going to support you through this because there’s wounding underneath this behavior. I want to be a part of the healing.

Lewis:  Absolutely. Right.

Kristen:  It’s really just about a shift in the semantics for all.

Lewis:  Yes, a shift in the conversation.

Kristen:  So let’s go back again to the masks. What are yours?

Lewis:  I’m wearing all of them. I’ve worn them all and I wear them all still, at different stages or different times of the day. I’m much more aware of them when they happen or I’ll recognize it through something with my team, or my family, or my girlfriend. Suddenly I’ll catch myself and recognize, “Oh, okay, I’m wearing a mask right now.”

Kristen:  But now you have the tools.

Lewis:  I’m so much more aware of that now that I can shift out of it, or I can own up to it, or I can apologize and take responsibility for it and move forward. It’s a constant, daily practice for me. They say that people write about the things they need the most for themselves.

Kristen:  That’s what Best Self is all about. It’s my on-the-job-training and personal therapy. [laughing]

Lewis:  For me, it’s a daily reminder. I think I’ve been conditioned for 30 years of my life to be a certain way. It takes time to fully un-condition that and re-condition to something else. I’m constantly trying to be intentional. When I wake up I’ll meditate and visualize the version of myself I want to be that day. I go through all the situations in my day that could happen. For instance, if I’ll be driving to a meeting and someone cuts me off, do I want to respond with anger, trying to go in front of that person and flip them off and scream at them like I used to do all the time?

Kristen:  Been there, done that.

Lewis:  Been there, done that many times. I’ve almost gotten to the point where I got out of my car and got into a fight. I go through all these situations. If my team drops the ball do I want to scream and yell, or do I want to come from compassion, or love, or just a calm conversation? How do I want to respond if my girlfriend does something that upsets me, if something triggers me in any part of my life, how do I want to show up? What would my best self respond as?

I imagine and visualize creating that response before it actually happens. That practice for me every single day really allows me to let go of those masks in a better way. I still make mistakes. I’m a human, messing up all the time. But I’m constantly practicing and trying to be better.

Kristen:  They don’t call it a ‘practice’ for nothing. These emotions, they can only be suppressed for so long then they’re going to come out…

Lewis:  …some way.

Kristen:  You said that the un-masking process takes time, and that you’ve also got to love yourself through that process. You carried that burden for such a long time, practically your whole life. It must have been the most enormous relief to get that out.

Lewis:  Freedom. I never felt freedom in my life until then.

Kristen:  There is also so much freedom in taking ownership of our actions by apologizing.

Lewis:  It’s powerful when we’re aware.

The crazy thing is that when I started opening up about all the trauma and things that I went through, I realized that so many other men have gone through way more. They started emailing me and sending me essays of the things they experienced that honestly made mine look like a Disney movie. Now, I’m not trying to compare and say they have it worse, or whatever. I’m just saying there are so many people in the world who have had it much more challenging, who have had much less than me and have had harder experiences to go through. I’m also grateful for the things I do have and the experiences I did have, and I try to really reflect on the good all the time.

Even though my inner world was suffering from these experiences, there were still a lot of great things happening that I reflect on and I’m grateful for, and I use those moments of vulnerability as part of my story now. It’s a constant healing process, but it doesn’t own me anymore.

I think there are many men out there who aren’t willing to communicate about the things that have happened to them, even to a therapist, a counselor, their spouse, or to one friend. Look, it doesn’t have to be to the world. If you can’t share the things you’re most afraid of with at least one person in confidence — a priest, I don’t care who you talk about it to — then that situation has power over you still. And you’re unable to be fully free until those moments in your past don’t own you anymore.

Kristen:  You want to get to that place of inner peace that you were talking about.

Lewis:  That’s it. For me, I’ve realized that I had to examine the things in my life that still had power over me. I needed to talk about them, to address them to be able to have a conversation like this without stuttering, quivering, and sweating with my heart palpitating. When I first started talking about sexual abuse I would stutter; I was nervous and scared. Now I can talk about it calmly because that situation doesn’t have power over me anymore. That’s given me a lot more inner peace. And I’m no longer afraid of what someone thinks about me anymore because of this information.

Kristen:  That’s huge, especially coming from the guy who spent the majority of his life proving other people wrong.

Lewis:  Yes.

Kristen:  We spoke earlier about your career playing professional football and how an injury can change the trajectory of your life. As you were sharing that story it immediately popped up in my head that you were meant to change course because you were meant to be here in this moment, sharing this story, and helping other men do the same. You were meant to be a part of shifting this conversation, part of this paradigm shift.

So how would you define what it is to be a ‘real man’ today?

Lewis:  A man who lives in service — service to his dreams and service to the world. I think the best thing you can do is love yourself fully, and love your dreams. Without those dreams and the pursuit of those dreams you’re living a subpar life and you’re doing a disservice to those around you by not living your fullest life. In the midst of that pursuit of your dreams and that self-love — ask yourself: How can I give back and be of service to the most people around me? I think that’s a real man.

Kristen:  What would you say now to that little boy, that little five-year old who tried to bear that enormous burden, who was teased, who didn’t think he was smart because other people told him he wasn’t? What would you tell him now?

Lewis:  I would tell him it’s all going work out. To be patient. To be courageous. To talk to your parents about what you’re going through, to express yourself, and to not beat yourself up so much.

Every day I was beating myself up — telling myself that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t smart enough. When I would get in trouble in school I would tell the Principal, “I wish I were dead. I wish I wasn’t here.” Now, I would tell that little boy that his life has a purpose and there is deep meaning for being here. I would scoop him up and just give him a hug.

Kristen:  Oh, I wish I could give him a hug, too! I can’t help but be the mama here listening to you and thinking about how we all play a role in this, and how we all need to check in on our biases, and our conversations, and our terminology, and our words. The world is shifting, but imagine a place now where little girls can be fierce, and little boys can cry, and this can all change in schools. We have to do better.

I know it’s beginning, but imagine the new conversation that allows kids to have outlets when they are stressed. Imagine the tools, meditation, tapping (EFT emotional freedom technique), etc. Where would you like to see this evolve?

Lewis:  If I would have had meditation, I think my life would have been transformed at an earlier age. I think it would be powerful to simply have open circle conversations with young boys and girls together talking about different issues in school. We never had that. Facilitating these kinds of forums for communication — without making people wrong or shaming anyone — could be so powerful. Everything was embarrassing growing up and it seemed like you were always being made fun of for something, but imagine the possibility of where it could go. I think it would be a beautiful thing.

Kristen:  How would you handle it with your children?

Lewis:  I think I would continuously be having conversation. Every night I would have a conversation, empowering them, encouraging them to express themselves at least with me. Ask them how they’re feeling. Ask them what’s going on. Also, being vulnerable and opening up to them. I think you can’t get people to open up unless you’re willing to do it first.

Maybe I would be saying, “This is what I’ve been going through today and I’ve been having a challenge with this or I was insecure about that.”

I’d provoke them to make their own connections. “Is there anything you felt today during class or with other friends that made you feel something similar or different?” I think I would need to set the example and not think I have all the answers. I’ve figured it all out. But instead, the goal would be to create a space for vulnerability and sharing.

Kristen:  That is such a good point. The truth is that, at least when I was growing up, parents didn’t really lay their cards on the table and reveal their emotions in that way. So when we did witness something it was often frightening.

I think that we have to model.

Lewis:  Absolutely.

Kristen:  Thank you for writing this wonderful book, and for celebrating the voices of many men within its pages who not only share their stories, but have also helped you. This is how we crack open a new conversation and shed light on the things that need to come forth. This is how the un-masking begins.

Thank you for being on the forefront of that and being open-hearted enough to come forth with your story, and for sharing it, because again, it’s going to crack open a big hole and create a safe space for others to do the same.

Lewis:  That’s it. I appreciate it. Thank you.

The post Interview: Lewis Howes | Redefining Masculinity appeared first on BEST SELF.

Green Is Good

—

Green is certainly all the rage — in our juices, matcha lattes and on our plates — and for good reason. While Kale has been one of the reigning superfoods of choice for quite a long time — sometimes we don’t have access to the foods we need. This is exactly how a Peace Corps volunteer stumbled onto the nutritious leaves of the moringa tree and ideas started popping.

As a vegetarian stationed in Niger sustaining herself on rice and millet, Lisa Curtis’ health began to suffer. That was until local women suggested that she try nutrient dense leaves from the moringa tree. When she found her own vitality restored, other inspiration began to percolate.

Melding ancient wisdom with modern business savvy, she was inspired to turn this newfound knowledge that she had stumbled upon into a business that could expand beyond health benefits and improve the lives of women in West Africa.

Kuli Kuli, a certified B-Corp (Benefit Corporation), was born from a desire to meld it all together: passion, profit and impact — and to use moringa as a tool for nutritional security. Establishing fair, sustainable wages to farmers and women-led farming co-ops around the world to drive economic growth, women’s empowerment and sustainable agricultural development is at the core of this brand.

To date, Kuli Kuli has partnered with over 1,000 farmers and planted over 1,000,000 moringa trees and have provided $1.5 million in income to women-led farming non-profits and family farmers.

 We want to create a world where everyone has access to nutritious sources of food — and malnutrition only exists in history textbooks.

Lisa Curtis, Founder, Kuli Kuli

Yep, green is good!

 Learn more at KuliKuliFoods.com

You may also enjoy reading Five North Chocolate: Purpose, Planet & Guilt-Free Pleasures by Kristen Noel

The post Kuli Kuli: Moringa Tree Superfood Powder Powers this Socially Responsible Business appeared first on BEST SELF.

Aviva Romm, M.D.

The New Health Paradigm

October 5, 2017, West Stockbridge, MA

Photographs by Bill Milles

I’ve started to see self-care as an act of civil disobedience, revolutionary behavior, saying to our society, “No, you can’t have my health.”

Kristen:           Aviva, thank you for welcoming Best Self into your lovely home. I thought that I would start with a quote of yours to set the tone of our conversation.

Aviva:  Uh-oh, what did I say?

Kristen:           Don’t worry. [laughing]

“A couple of years ago, I made a really powerful decision for myself, and it was to trust my own self as my highest authority.”

I love that for a gazillion reasons, but it also makes me laugh because, I have a sense that knowing what I know about you — you’ve been doing that for pretty much your whole life. And although I have already provided you with an official title of ‘Hippie-At-Heart-Powerhouse’, I think I owe our audience an official introduction. So just bear with me for a second while I gush.

Aviva Romm is a midwife, herbalist, ecologist, mother, writer, and Yale-trained MD. She is the author of seven books. Her latest, this amazing book, The Adrenal Thyroid Revolution, was the #1 bestselling thyroid and immune health book. She’s a lifetime seeker with a rich 30-year journey along the path of integrated women’s health. Her mission is to empower others with tools to shift their health and reclaim their lives, and to bridge the conversation between conventional and natural medicine. She also spurred the creation of the first integrative medicine program at Yale University. Such a slacker!

Aviva:  Yeah, I just sit around all the time. [smiling]

Kristen:           You were really in the trailblazing trenches. You embarked on this path at a time when we weren’t technically calling food ‘organic’ and as you said, there were only four herb books on the market to reference. It was a time when none of this was really a mainstream conversation.

Aviva:  No, it wasn’t. My family thought for sure that I had gone over the deep end and actually asked me if I had joined a cult because I was vegetarian. It certainly wasn’t the flavor du jour at that time.

Kristen:           You truly personify this notion that anything is possible. Giving a little context here: Pre-nutrition studies and pre-med school at 14-years-old, growing up in a housing project and being raised by a single mom, you sat down and decided that you were going to write Johns Hopkins Medical School a letter asking to be admitted. I want to know, where does that chutzpah come from?

Aviva:  That’s a great question. One, my mom is a courageous woman in her own way and she kind of embodied a fearlessness that was a role model for me in so many ways. She was really interested in local politics when I was young. Even though I was growing up in housing projects, some of our representatives were people like Nettie Mayersohn. I also went and heard Bella Abzug speak when I was a kid. You can’t not be inspired by her. This woman was just a rock.

Helen Reddy’s, “Woman, hear me roar,” was in the background of my childhood. So, in some way, I think the tacit messaging at that time was that I didn’t really have to hold back and be afraid.

By the time I hit my first year of high school, I was doing an almost two-hour commute to and from school. I gained 30 pounds during that really stressful year. I wasn’t sleeping; I got sick a lot. I just felt like something inside me was going to break. You know, everyone has a different resilience. I don’t know what guided me to just have a ‘woke’ moment and say, “I’ve got to get out of here. This is not good with me.” I was getting increasingly uncomfortable in my neighborhood.

The commute and the pressure at the high school were not sustainable, and I really wanted to be a medical doctor. I just woke up one day, I don’t even know what inspired me at this point to write to Johns Hopkins, but whoever that person was who received my letter actually wrote me back.

Kristen:           And let’s be clear. You weren’t on your computer filling out an application — you handwrote a letter, right?

Aviva:  I literally wrote them a letter and said, “I’m ready for a change. I’d like to start medical school.” Someone wrote back and said, “You’re a little young.” I wasn’t even asking to skip college — I was asking to skip high school and college. [laughing]

Kristen:           Somebody’s got that letter hanging up in their office. [laughing]

Aviva:  Somebody does. If there are angels, that was one of mine. Whoever that person was said, “Well, there’s this school, Simon’s Rock in Western Massachusetts,” actually the town over from where we’re sitting and having this conversation right now, that has a program for young, gifted, or talented people who would like to skip high school and do something different. I applied, and then told my mom that I had applied and gotten an interview, and she said, “Go for it.” And I did.

Kristen:           You exemplify a sense of fluidity in life because you’ve had this beautiful ability to keep an open mind to course correct. And when I use the term course correction, I’m not using it in the sense of making an error or a mistake, but rather saying, “Oh, I went this way, but now I’m feeling that I should go that way, and that it’s okay.” You went to Simon’s Rock for a year and a half, and surprise, surprise there was a course correction. Something else was stirring within you.

Aviva:  Yes.

Kristen:           You left school embarking upon a new path to study midwifery, and in the process you became skilled in nutrition, natural foods cooking, and back-to-land skills.

Aviva:  Yes, I’ve actually made fires by friction many times. I know how to find the materials and I have an entire weird subset of skills.

Kristen:           Let’s talk about that beautiful ability to listen to yourself because obviously, you have been listening to yourself your whole life. It is remarkable that you were able to hold onto that. Especially at that juncture in life, it is easy to get derailed, influenced by others, or to get locked into a job.

What was it that you held onto that allowed you to set off in a new direction?

Aviva:  I think for me it’s really been a matter of answering how do I want to serve and what do I want to give, and what skill sets do I need to do that the most effectively?

When I went to college early, it was to be a physician. Then I saw that there was this whole set of problems in our world that I didn’t know existed previously; problems with ecology, agriculture, medicine, people having access to care, the way women were being treated in medicine. I just saw that there was this huge need, and what I was studying at that time, and the routes that conventional medicine offered to address those needs, weren’t for me.

I really sought out the path that would help me have the skill sets and the knowledge I needed to address those needs. That’s where the course correction occurred. When women like you or me would go into the medical model to get help, we were still facing that same kind of stonewalled, roadblocked, conventional, patriarchal, interventive model. I asked myself, “How do I meet this next level of need?” The answer was: I have to go into the system to be recognizable by the system, and recognizable by what the general public considers credible and informed — and that was medical school.

Kristen:           Let’s go back. I think you’re glossing over this gift you have. It’s something spiritual, something within you that allowed you to align with your intuition, to listen to yourself and to pursue it. What would you say to people who may take a job or start studying something and then begin to feel the stirrings that there may be another path?

Aviva:  That’s a really good question. One thing is that we are taught from an early age to look outside of ourselves for answers — and yes, sometimes we need that. But when it comes to our own inner-life guidance, I feel like if we actually get still for long enough… we know. I’m not sure what kept me on that path. Maybe it was a result of having gotten off the mainstream path so early.

Kristen:           I don’t think you were ever on the mainstream path. [laughing]

Aviva:  I kind of was. I was that sort of Spelling Bee, Science Fair kid, you know, the good student. I wasn’t necessarily the ‘good girl’. I remember getting sent to the Principal’s office in 9th grade for not standing up for the Pledge of Allegiance. I know it sounds so unpatriotic and it wasn’t about taking a knee or being unpatriotic; it was being told that I had to rather than being asked if I want to. I wanted to know why.

Kristen:           It’s such a blessing that you were tuned in so early in life.

Aviva:  There also wasn’t as much noise back then, right? There’s a lot of noise now. I think to some extent too, because I was so radically outside of the system, I wasn’t watching television. I wasn’t reading fashion magazines and thinking I should be a certain body type. I wasn’t wearing cosmetics. I wasn’t following the current trends. I didn’t have a TV. I was really reclaiming a fairly grounded relationship between nature and myself. I think the less noise we have in our lives, the easier it is to actually stay tuned into that inner guidance.

Kristen:           Amen.

Aviva:  I didn’t have a guru telling me what to do. I didn’t have teachers.

Kristen:           For you, it’s just something that’s been there and you may not have even realized it.

Aviva:  It’s true. There’s that term ‘heuristics’ — a sort of knowing what we know. I’ve been doing it for so long. I don’t know why I know it.

Kristen:           You are the poster girl for this beautiful notion that regardless of demographics or circumstances, it is never too late. You ended up going to college early and then leaving school and studying natural practices and midwifery and having four children before deciding at 40: “Now, I’m going back to medical school” — and does.

It’s like this beautiful, coming-full-circle homecoming that took a lot of guts. Your story certainly debunks any limited thinking like, “Oh, that ship has passed.” Or, “I’m too old to go back to medical school.”

Aviva:  Yes, or, “It’s going to cost so much.”

There is a cost. Going to med school meant I was going to be away from my kids whom I had been homeschooling at that time. I felt a lot of guilt and anxiety about doing that.

However, there were three things that have been said to me in my life that made a huge impact on me. One of my dearest friends, who spent time in Ghana, knew I was really feeling very guilty and conflicted about whether it was okay for me as a mom to take this step for myself. She said, “Aviva, in Africa women carry the babies, they build the houses, they tend the gardens, they do all of these things. It’s us here that think that there’s a separation between motherhood and work.”

Another was from a midwifery client of mine — a psychiatrist, an incredibly spiritual woman from Puerto Rico that I met in my early 20s. She said, “You know, here in the US, people say life is so short. It’s always hurry, hurry, hurry or it’s too late. There’s always this pressure. Where I’m from, we say, life is long.”

Kristen:           I love that.

Aviva:  I have to remind myself: Life is long. I recently read something that said, “So much of depression is regretting the past, and so much of anxiety is living in the worries of the future. How do we just be present?”

I was the first woman to finish college in my family. I was the first professional in my family. When I was in my mid-30s and getting closer to my application process, it was starting to take a lot more time. There were costs building up. At moments, I was thinking, I’ve got a kid going to college in a few years. I need to be thinking about this.

The father of one of my very dear friends was a diplomat and when I met him, he was about 82. He told me a story that when he was about 60, he had really wanted to go back to school. But he talked himself out of it because, “It’s going to cost me money. It’s going to take time. It’s going to be stressful for my family. I’ll have to give up my job, etc. But, now, I’m 82 years old. I would’ve had 22 years of doing what I always dreamed of doing.” That was such a clincher for me — the wisdom of an 82-year-old man.

Kristen:           How fortunate you were to have those wonderful conversations.

Aviva:  Yes. I actually had gotten into Yale at the same time that we had just signed the purchase papers on a house. I had to uproot my four kids and sell our house. It was a lot to process. I literally took the signed contract for Yale and proceeded to rip it up. I was like, I can’t do this to my family. I’m just going to tell Yale I’m not going to come. Then my husband taped it back together and sent it. So, the deal was done.

Kristen:           I want to read another quote of yours:

“The story of conventional medicine that we’ve all been raised in with Western science is that the only information that we should trust is external, expert-driven, and based on a very patriarchal, anti-Earth, anti-body centered model. For me, it was a big shift in sort of reclaiming my feminism, reclaiming my feminine, and reclaiming my connection to Earth and planet, and also led me to have a really powerful trust in my body and to be connected to those intuitive messages.”

Aviva:  Thank you for reading that.

Kristen:           That’s beautiful because that’s sort of a synopsis of what I feel like this journey has been for you.

Aviva:  It has been. My hope is to help other women, and men, be able to reclaim that connection to Earth, to our intuition, to our ability to believe that we can trust in our bodies and in ourselves, and to really trust in resilience — that we can heal, we can overcome obstacles, we can transform our lives. That’s what resilience is all about. It’s adapting, changing, shifting, having elasticity, and healing.

Kristen:           Your life has been a series of bold steps in that direction.

Aviva:  Oh, thank you. I like that.

Kristen:           Were there moments where you questioned what you were doing? Was there pushback from other people?

Aviva:  One of my favorite quotes is from Georgia O’Keeffe where she says, “I’ve been scared every minute of my life, but I’ve never let it stop me from doing anything.”

Absolutely, I’ve had fears that I was doing the wrong thing — that I was destroying my family and I would ruin my kids. I thought the midwifery community would hate me and the herbal community would judge me for going into conventional medicine. There were so many points along the way that I could’ve deterred myself from doing it, but I just held fast.

Trusting that intense inner drive was more than ego or fear, or just some goal for achievement; there was really something pulling me, like the gravitational pull on a compass to point north, that kept me in that direction. I fear failures, but I don’t fear them enough to not do it.

Kristen:           I’m actually envisioning that young girl who wanted to know why? I think you’ve also spent a lifetime asking ‘why’.

Aviva:  I have.

Kristen:           It’s interesting how you mentioned questioning whether one community was going to be upset or not, because you were open to exploring alternatives. I see you as this bridge because you had an openness to recognizing that there could be value here and value there — to formulate a new conversation.

Aviva:  Absolutely. One of the things about growing up in a housing project is that you grow up with a lot of diversity. For me, it’s about what can we add to, what can we learn from, from whom can we learn.

Kristen:           After the Best Self World Summit, I had so many people write to me afterwards who were delighted by hearing your story, but had a lot of questions about your work with the thyroid and the adrenal glands. So, I am not letting them down.

Aviva:  Okay. Let’s talk.

Kristen:           I also wanted to note that when this thyroid bible first came out [holding up book] and I made a social media post on it, I received a tremendous response. People were coming out of the woodwork and I was thinking, Wow, I didn’t really even know that this was so pervasive.

Aviva:  I didn’t initially set out to write a book on the adrenals and thyroid. However, I’d write a blog and within a couple of days, 20,000 people would respond and ask more questions. There was a prevalence of women who were not getting answers or who were being dismissed as if this was all in their head.

Women were fatigued, gaining weight, their hair was falling out, and doctor after doctor was saying, “No, you’re fine. You’re stressed,” or “It’s anxiety or depression. Let me put you on an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication.” So I realized, I needed to connect the dots of what was going on.

Kristen:           But seriously, what the hell is going on? It’s as if all of a sudden, there’s this epidemic, right? It seems like every woman that I have spoken to either has a thyroid problem or knows someone who does — or has some issue with their adrenal glands. What is going on?

Aviva:  What’s happening is we’re kind of at the critical juncture or a perfect storm, where all the different kinds of stressors that we’re experiencing — environmental, social, personal, economic, plus hidden stressors — are converging.

The Centers for Disease Control did a big study in 2016 and found out that in every single state in the United States, less than 14% of people are getting the fruits that we’re supposed to get every day and less than 60% are getting the vegetables. So on the one hand, we’re undernourished. On the other hand, we’re overstressed. It’s almost like our resiliency capacity is tapped to the max. We can’t stretch any further and we’re not putting into our bodies and our lives the things that help us repair.

Kristen:           What are the symptoms that women are experiencing that are tipping it and getting them the doctor?

Aviva:  First of all, what happens is we reach a critical max. A lot of us ignore little symptoms. We just subscribe to norms like, “Oh, I’m in my 40s, it’s normal to be a little forgetful.” I just had a patient whose doctor told her that, “You’re in your 40s, so of course you’ve gained 15 pounds.”

Kristen:           All these benchmarks drive me nuts.

Aviva:  You don’t have to suddenly gain weight and become cognitively deficient in your 40s, or stop sleeping, or watch your hair fall out. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. There are symptoms that we ignore and there’s the dismissal. It takes the average woman with an autoimmune disease five years to get a diagnosis. We do tend to dismiss things as just stress, and stress is a big factor in our health and with our hormones. There’s something that tips the iceberg.

For example, there may be an elderly family member, or a sick parent that you suddenly have to spend six months taking care of. I can’t tell you how many women contact me because their mom has breast cancer. Then six months later, their mom passes and they’re in my office with a thyroid diagnosis. When you’re under a prolonged period of stress, something ultimately tips the balance of what the body can respond to. It looks like you suddenly got diagnosed with a thyroid issue and yet, If you start to track back, for a lot of women, you can see…

Kristen:           …the breadcrumbs.

Aviva:  Exactly, this life-triggering trail of stress. Then you add to the fact that so many women are skipping meals.

Kristen:           Let’s talk about women for a second.

Aviva:  There’s a pervasive lack of self-care, and a lack of time to just hit the pause button and ‘be’ without feeling guilty. Some of us may actually hit the pause button, but even when we do, we’re sitting there watching some TV show, thinking we should be doing something different. So, we’re not really hitting the pause button.

Then you’ve got the lack of nutritional support. How many of us are constantly cleansing or detoxing? We’re disappearing to nothing sizes, not replenishing and nourishing ourselves. In fact, I wanted to write a book and call it ‘The Nourished Woman’. That’s what this book originally started out as, but my publisher said, “That just sounds like you’re helping women get fat. No woman is going to want to buy a book about being nourished.”

Kristen:           Once we get through the thyroid and the adrenal issue, then we can be nourished.

Aviva:  When you think about the thyroid, you think about it as the organ in your body. It’s this butterfly-shaped gland in your throat and its entire job is to regulate energy. If you’re old enough to remember the oil crisis of the ’70s, what we were told to do is turn down our thermostats to 66 when we went sleep, dress warmer during the day, and not burn more fuel.

Your thyroid is doing the exact same thing in your body. It’s recognizing that you’re under an energy crisis. You’ve been burning out for too long; you’re exhausted and you’re at that tipping point. We hear women say things all the time like, “I’m at the end of my rope. I can’t do this anymore. I’m burnt out.” These things we are vocalizing are symptoms. We have to start to recognize our emotional and mindset behaviors as symptoms. They’re not always physical things.

When the thyroid thermostat gets turned down, everything that is dependent on that fuel starts turning down, too, like your metabolism and cognitive function. If you’re in those fertility years, it’s saying, “Well, she doesn’t have enough energy for herself. How can we make enough energy for another person?” Your hormones go on the fritz and you suddenly find yourself wondering if you’re having a fertility problem.

There are certain nutrients that our thyroid depends on for energy like zinc, selenium, iron, vitamin A, plus adequate carbohydrates and proteins. Your body says, “Oh, we’ve got fuel to burn.” It’s really our body’s self-protective mechanism.

Kristen:           Are there classic things that you see in your practice symptom-wise?

Aviva:  Fatigue is a big one. And depression. In fact, it’s estimated that at least 15% of women who are on an anti-depressant have an undetected thyroid problem. They don’t need the anti-depressant. They need their thyroid attended to.

I hear women say this all the time: “I’m hardly eating anything. I haven’t changed a thing, but I’ve gained 15 or 30 pounds perhaps in the past three months.” Sometimes, it creeps up, but often it’s a pretty substantial weight gain in a short period of time. Another symptom is feeling cold all the time, or sluggish bowels and constipation. Any one of those symptoms doesn’t mean you have a thyroid problem. But when you start to add them together, it’s a good time to start getting checked out. If you have even three of the things that I’ve said at one time, let’s say you have some constipation, fatigue, and a little bit of low mood, it’s still worth getting checked out.

Kristen:           How did you realize, “I’ve got to write this book. I’ve got to address this issue.”

Aviva:  A number of things. One, and this kind of harkens back to why I went back to school to get my MD, was this kind of clarion call that something is going on with our environment and with our diets — this isn’t new. We can listen back to people who were saying this in the late ’60s/early ’70s, but it was very fringe information. Now, you have women who are saying, “Something’s wrong, but the medical profession isn’t listening to me,” and I felt for them. For mass shift to happen, for the medical profession to start listening to women’s voices, I knew I was going to need an MD degree.

To some extent, I took what the women whom I was working with in my medical practice were saying and combined it with answers I knew, identifying where the dots connected. I looked at root causes of stress, environment, food, our body’s ability to do the very functions that it’s meant to do — and asked, what are the things that we need?

It’s really about just getting this message out to not just the women in my practice, but to millions of women. Having the book written by a woman and by an MD, can also change the tide of what the medical profession is taking seriously.

Kristen:           Exactly. You’ve got the ‘woo woo’ background — and you can slap that science down on top of it!

Aviva:  I was out to dinner with a girlfriend one night and she said something about ‘woo woo’ and I said … You know, I love word play, and I realized woo is an acronym for ‘window of opportunity’.

I like to bridge those worlds and I think that there’s a tremendous amount of healing that can happen in things such as meditation, time in nature, better sleep, happiness, joy, the glass of red wine or the dark chocolate — the things that bring you pleasure.

Kristen:           Dumping the martyrdom.

Aviva:  Dumping the martyrdom, absolutely. We are so hard on ourselves. I am, too. I have to catch myself every day and remind myself, “I’m good enough. I’m enough. I’m doing enough,” and rein back that inner critical voice.

Kristen:           Let’s also talk about adrenal fatigue and how that plays into all of this.

Aviva:  Technically speaking, the adrenals don’t actually get fatigued. What happens is the adrenals are pumping out two things: one’s a hormone and one’s a chemical. The neurotransmitter chemical is called adrenalin, which most of us are familiar with. It’s that feeling we get on the roller coaster or watching the scary movie or the feeling we get when we are home alone and we hear a thump outside and your heart starts racing. You hold your breath for a second and get hyper alert. The other is this hormone cortisol, which is a life-survival, protective hormone. The Nobel Prize just went to people who were studying circadian rhythm. I’m so excited. This is my geek out area.

Kristen:           So explain that for a second.

Aviva:  We all have these internal body clocks. I like to think about it more as an orchestra, a conductor and sheet music. This master body clock is in the part of your brain called the SCN, the suprachiasmatic nucleus. Think of that as the conductor of an orchestra and your adrenals as the musicians in the orchestra. There are two little adrenals or two tiny glands that sit on top of our kidneys. They’re super small, like these little fatty yellow blobs. Then think of cortisol as the sheet music. The sheet music is going out to literally every organ and almost every cell in your body telling those cells and organs what time of day to boost this part of my immunity for optimal health.

These are very primitive mechanisms. What other parts of my immune system should I turn on at night when she’s asleep that can help her brain and her body detoxify, but not be so reactive as she needs to be in the day that would keep her immune system responding to viruses and bacteria. It’s fascinating. It tells us to basically poop in the morning or in the daytime and not poop while we’re sleeping.

Kristen:           That’s a good thing. [laughing]

Aviva:  These are good things. It tells our liver when to activate our gall bladder, our pancreas, literally every cell. What happens, though, is most of modern life is completely devoid of connection to this central clock. This central clock is triggered by light and dark, but we’re on our computers continuously. Our ancestors were basically going to sleep when it got dark out. Today we stay on our blue light of our computer or television screens until like, two seconds before we fall asleep, and then we’re back on it the minute we wake up in the morning.

I actually feel that so much of modern life in this culture, in the US in particular, is to blame. In Sweden, for example, they have a different sort of equation for what makes a happy, healthy, productive person and it has to do with family time. Bhutan has one of the highest global happiness indexes. They value different things than we value, and we have some of the lowest health and happiness indexes in the world. Basically, each of us is kind of considered a cog in the culture’s productivity machine.

I’ve started to see self-care as an act of civil disobedience, revolutionary behavior saying to our society, “No, you can’t have my health. You can’t have my physical health. You can’t have my mental wellbeing. You can’t have the last 20 years of my life where I’m on 15 different medications and in and out of the doctor’s office. No, you don’t get that. I deserve to take care of myself, and that means I get to hit the pause button.

Women have been fed this multitasking BS for too long. I remember when I was a kid, there was a commercial for a perfume called Charlie. She was the woman who could bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan, and never let her husband forget he’s a man. I wanted my name to be Charlie. I really wanted to believe that we could do it all. Maybe we can do it all, but not all at the same time — and keep our health. Do we really even need to do it all?

Kristen:           We get pretty stuck in our routines and think there is no other way of doing life other than the way we’re doing it.

Aviva:  It takes a lot to live in this culture. I’m amazed at how anybody can pay their rent or their mortgage or their medical insurance. It costs a lot of money. Some of the countries that have better living quotients also provide their people with healthcare or provide their people with guaranteed college education.

We have a lot of pressures that keep us pushing and pushing, firing on all cylinders at all times. It all goes back to resilience. As human beings, we have an incredible capacity to do more and more, and we get along doing that for a long time. But then we get those little symptoms. Yet we ignore them and we keep doing more. Then the symptom becomes a constellation of symptoms until it becomes a syndrome or a condition resulting in things like diabetes or high blood pressure or serious depression.

I work really hard. I work a lot of hours. I love what I do and I put a lot into it. I know you do as well. I think the answer is in paying attention to those tiny symptoms as early as we can and recognizing that those are our body telling us: It’s time to pay attention.

A little bit of stress is actually really great for us. We have evolved to actually thrive with small amounts of it. A small amount of stress stimulates our immune system. It stimulates our cognitive function.

Kristen:           The other thing about this book that’s really important to point out is that it’s not just about identifying the problems — it’s also about offering hands-on tactical solutions and dietary shifts. The good news is that we can heal.

Aviva:  We can. One of my favorite things that I like to ask my patients is, “What if I told you, your body has the capacity to heal beyond anything you’ve ever been led to believe?” Which is not what we’re usually hearing from our doctors.

Kristen:           Right. Instead we’re hearing, “I’ve got a pill for you.”

Aviva:  Recently, while traveling at a major airport, I paid attention to the corridors lined with advertisements and billboards. Save a child with cancer or get your health and life insurance, give money to this local hospital, take this medication because it’ll help with your mood, etc. It’s like a hallway of sickness.

I was somewhere watching a television show and in that 50 minutes of programming, I think there were 5 commercials targeted at women, 35 to 55, and everyone needed HUMIRA or some other pretty big guns medication for an autoimmune disease. We get this idea that we’re sick and that the answer is a pill. Frankly we’re being poisoned by a lot of these pharmaceuticals. They’re just suppressing symptoms. They are just more tools to keep us going and producing, and going and producing.

Kristen:           It seems like even in your practice, it must require certain amounts of handholding, nurturing, and coaching in a way. And allowing a woman to sit down in your office and unpack the whole story. It’s not just about helping them through a symptom, it’s really about helping them rescript their story, their life.

Aviva:  I love how you said that. I was saying to someone yesterday that I feel like there’s as much ‘unlearning’ that we need to do in order to be healthy, as there is learning. We have so many stories. I love that idea of really helping women unpack it. It’s exactly what I do. It’s about simply believing that our bodies can heal.

Kristen:           I wasn’t remotely familiar with that notion a couple of years ago, but now this is the most exciting thing.

There’s this great quote from you where you said, “Overcoming what so many are calling adrenal fatigue is a radical act of rebellion. It requires us to step outside of the status quo that demands we sacrifice our lives at the altar of high-pressure living, the never-ending quest for more achievement and acquisition, and instead look within to creating sustainable energy. Sustainability has to come not just in how we care for our world, but how we care for ourselves in the world.“

Aviva:  Yes, that sums up very much this idea that we have the right to be well. Studies have shown that women who come home from a stressful day at work and take 15 minutes to unpack their stress — whether it’s a dance party or meditation or walking in nature — have completely different cortisol levels than when we don’t do those things.

Kristen:           It’s not ‘all or nothing’, right? I think sometimes we feel that if we don’t make the perfect green smoothie or have the perfect meditation practice or go for the perfect Pilates class every day that we failed today, so just chuck the whole thing.  But it’s really about making little shifts with big impact.

Aviva:  Exactly. One of the things that I have gotten clear on is the power and poison of perfectionism and all the ‘shoulds’ that we put on ourselves. I’ve seen people drive themselves nuts thinking: “I should go to yoga” or “I should be doing this.” Then, they feel stressed out and what they really want to do is kick back, have a glass of red wine, and watch Game of Thrones, which may actually be more of a cortisol reset. It’s not like you have to do it perfectly every day.

One of the things that I’ve identified in my own life that kind of blew me away I also discovered while doing the research for this book, which is how perfectionism for women, all these ‘shoulds’, these patterns that we develop like being a good girl or the martyr that you mentioned earlier, are also signs that we’re in a kind of survival mode. Those very patterns can be driving this survival mode and be pushing us so hard. Those patterns can be what get our adrenal stress response very out of whack.

Kristen:           So, Aviva, do you take a spoonful of your own medicine?

Aviva:  I actually do. First of all, I’m very committed to not teaching and sharing things that I don’t walk my own talk, because that’s dishonest and it’s not fair. If I can’t do it, why would I think somebody else could do it? I really put into practice everything I share and I try to make sure that what I offer is realistic.

As for my doses of my own medicine: I’m very committed to my diet. I eat a healthy Mediterranean-style diet. I try to not ever skip meals and I try to really live a balanced life. I’m super committed to turning off electronics before I go to bed. I read every night, not on a Kindle or an iPad, but a real book with real pages. I try to get to sleep by 11. I try to get in some yoga, and some time in nature. I could probably be better about intense exercise, but that’s where I get my hikes in or get on a bike. I try to fit in mindfulness in my life.

Kristen:           You also know when you really need it, right?

Aviva:  I do. I really listen to my body.

If I have a little pinching feeling in my head and I’ve been working on the computer for too long, I know it’s time to push the pause button — to go get some water, get off the computer, go for a walk. Do something different. I try to pay attention to that.

It’s all about nourishing and replenishing. It’s about learning which foods you need to get replenished and have the energy to do what you need to. Then it’s about learning which foods may be a trigger for you.

The whole concept is what can you add in that activates your body’s innate healing powers and what can we remove that’s an obstacle to your body’s innate healing powers. The book walks you through what those are. Food being the first one, what can we add in for mind/body, whether that’s meditation or a hot bath, or kicking back and getting out of that perfectionist mode. And then, what life stressors can we take out?

We don’t have control over everything, but we can pick our priorities, right? Our to-do lists are stressing us out more. So, how do we start to look at our priorities in life and kind of curate the ones that we really can do, and then, put the others on the shelf for later or let them go completely?

It’s food, stressors, and then we look at some things that might be less obvious. What’s going on in your gut, for example. We know so much now about the microbiome, but there is still so much we don’t know. We know that the health of our microbiome impacts our stress resilience, our weight, our immunity, our moods, our mind, our focus. It’s such an exciting area.

So, addressing the gut again, what can we add in? Simple stuff: Lacto-fermented foods, a probiotic, the nourishment that feeds a healthy microbiome. And what can we take out? Artificial sweeteners that affect gut-lining health, too much sugar, and maybe for some women that glass of red wine isn’t appropriate at this moment because they may have some yeast overgrowth in their gut.

Then we walk through the body’s natural detoxification systems. Again, what can we add in to support how your body naturally wants to detoxify and what can we take out that’s adding to that overburden — that evolutionary mismatch between what we can handle and what we were meant to handle biologically, and what we’re being exposed to.

Finally, we walk through the immune system. Same thing. What does our immune system need to be healthy and what is impacting our immune system that might be adding too much burden.

It’s a 28-day process with this concept of nourishing food, healthy mindset and self-care woven through it. We’ve set up some strategic ways that the reader can do these questionnaires that will simplify things and get very individualized. I actually had a really good time writing it. It’s pretty much the plan that I walk my patients through in my practice.

Kristen:           Which is fabulous. And let’s face it — when you start feeling good, you want more of it.

Aviva:  Exactly. And if there was just one thing that I would say women could change right off, it would definitely be taking added sugar out of the diet. I know that sounds overwhelming, but what I find is that people think that sugar and sugary foods and quick carbs are giving them energy. Yet, if you really start to pay attention, you will notice how an hour or two after eating this, you are brain foggy and tired.

Kristen:           We’re hungry.

Aviva:  We’re hungry and we’re empty.

But in shifting that, we want to add in a self-care practice — a great one is a bedtime wind down. Think of the hour before bed as this sacred ritual; washing your face, brushing your teeth, maybe taking a hot bath with some essential oils, doing 10 or 15 minutes of stretching…

Kristen:           …Lighting a candle.

Aviva:  Yes, lighting a candle and getting in bed with a good book, not something crazy stimulating, but something really nourishing, relaxing, enjoyable, and letting yourself fall asleep naturally. No electronics. That is the hardest thing. I think giving up coffee is easier for people than giving up electronics! [laughing]

Kristen:           There’s something that we touched on before, which was the word ‘legacy’. How fortunate your children and grandchildren are to have grown up with this conversation and not had to find their way around to it like we did.

Where do you see the evolution of this conversation going? What are we doing right? What are we doing wrong? And what scares you?

Aviva:  We’re doing a lot of things right. I think as a culture, we’re catching on. When you see Walmart going organic, change is upon us. Walmart is really making an effort and is one of the leaders in organics for the masses now. That is so encouraging; it really makes me excited. When we hear about the microbiome, and not just on NPR, but also on more traditional news stations, we’re starting to catch on. I see #woke. We’re definitely getting ‘woke’ about some things.

What scares me most is that we’re experiencing a bit of a snowball or a domino effect. The domino started getting pushed about 20 years ago with the amount of environmental toxins we were being exposed to, global warming and antibiotic overuse. It’s going to take enough of us at a policy level to make big global shifts in some of the bigger crises that really may impact us.

I have women come in to my practice all the time who have been eating well for the past 15 years. They’ve been doing yoga. They’ve been doing meditation. They have a good lifestyle. But they come in with a diagnosis of breast cancer and they have no idea why. It’s all these external exposures that are beyond our control, and that’s what makes me sad.

Kristen:           That is really scary.

Aviva:  It’s really sad and it’s really scary. I don’t mean to be frightening, but it’s going to take all of us, individually and collectively.

One thing I have seen is the power of economics. The more of us that are demanding a shift, the more the shift is going to happen. People aren’t suddenly in Big Pharma and Big Agra and Walmart going, “Let’s go organic because we care about the planet.” Maybe some of them are, but it’s where the money is going, right? We see Amazon buying Whole Foods. There’s an incentive.

The more of us who are demanding and expecting self-care time at work, the more women who take time off when they’ve had a baby, the more of us that ask for things like meditation breaks or yoga class at a big corporation, the more of us who are looking for organics and alternatives to conventional medicine, the more change will be affected.

There was a study done this past year. Some researchers caught salmon in the Puget Sound; the fish had over 80 pharmaceuticals and environmental contaminants in it. We’re all getting Prozac. We’re all getting benzos (benzodiazepine). We’re all getting opiates. We’re all getting hormones — all the time.

None of us individually can stop that, but if we really make the changes with our money and those changes start to be seen in bigger businesses, there will be policy changes. We’re seeing that, but there’s going to be a lot of suffering for individuals before those shifts happen. I think that’s what scares me, but I’m optimistic of the shifts that are changing.

Kristen:           Thank you for having stayed the course on this crazy winding road your life took you on because it did inspire a conversation, and it did create a really rich openness to cull what works for us, and to make it okay to listen to our intuition.

I think you’re a walking, talking, breathing, connecting-the-dots bundle of inspiration and I thank you for your work in the world, your continued work in the world and everything to come. I would love to close by asking you to read the dedication of this book for us. I think it would be a beautiful note to sign off on.

Aviva:  I would love to.

“To all women who have felt unseen and unheard, you are not invisible and you are not alone. To all who have been told, ‘It’s all in your head’ — it is not. And to all who have felt you’ve been sleeping for too long, rise and shine. Let’s move mountains together.”

It’s based on a Chinese proverb that says, “When sleeping women wake, mountains move.” That’s what this book does.

Kristen:           Thank you for your bravery in the world and for following your intuition and your heart, because when you pair the two, that’s how we move mountains. Thanks for moving those mountains, sister.

The post Interview: Aviva Romm, M.D. | The New Health Paradigm appeared first on BEST SELF.

A stylish online shop supports sustainable practices and women ‘makers’

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Style meets mission — for the love of earth, art and design.

We are makers, not machines — states the mantra of Amie, a modern online shop of artisanal wares produced by women with passion, paired with compassion and a socially conscious initiative. Amie was founded by entrepreneur, artist and art director, Meredith Brockington, whose vision was to combine her love of art with visual storytelling. In creating a platform featuring female artists, their unique stories and handmade products, she raises the bar on aesthetic, how we shop and interact in the world.

Amie is sustainable, socially responsible, and community centric.

All packaging materials are not only reusable and recyclable — a portion of sales each month is donated to charities and non-profit organizations. It is about putting a level of humanness back into business and in doing so, a new model of entrepreneurship and contemporary design is born. Brockington possesses a deep desire to put a face to the products she represents — one that is also intended to inspire others to hold steadfastly to their own dreams — a reminder that when there’s a will to do good, to reach further and create more beauty…there’s a way.

Mission-driven design is one thing that never goes out of style.

>Join the Amie community at amieartisans.com and follow their stories on Instagram @amieartisans.

The post Amie | Empowering Women Makers With Style & Purpose appeared first on BEST SELF.

Get your ZEN to go with Meditation Studio, the app that makes meditation simple

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They had me at their tagline: Untangle your mind. Let’s face it, in this overly stimulated and noise-laden world…we need real time strategies to help us step out of the chaos of our every day busyness and to reel us back into our care of self. And in a world where we are already stretched, we need for this to be easy. Look no further.

Meditation Studio is the app created to clear the clutter. Life is complicated, meditation needn’t be. This is about finding a practice that suits you. With 250 guided meditations to choose from, over 30 leading experts to follow, curated collections and unlimited access— this gives new meaning to one-stop-shopping. For less than the price of a cup of coffee, you can take your Zen with you wherever you go, in your time, however it suits you best.

App me up and untangle away!

>Learn more at meditationstudioapp.com

The post Meditation Studio | The App that Makes Meditation Simple appeared first on BEST SELF.

Glennon Doyle

The New Activism: Truth-Telling, Showing Up & Getting Real

May 5, 2017, New York City

Photographs by Bill Miles

Nobody is more ready to show up than anybody else. It’s just that some people show up before they’re perfect and before they’re ready.

Kristen:           Hi Glennon. Welcome to New York City!

Glennon:         Oh thank you. I love it here.

Kristen:           Thank you for sitting down with Best Self on this rainy Friday morning. If you could just bear with me, I would love to gush over you for a second as I introduce you to our audience.

Glennon:         I think I can handle that.

Kristen:           Glennon Doyle is a writer, momma, dreamer, sought-after speaker, love flash mob revolutionary, online community leader, Sunday school teacher, activist, truth teller, hope spreader — who calls herself a ‘recovering everything’, and believer in all things ‘brutiful’. Not beautiful, brutiful, which I’ll let her explain in a moment. In between all of that, she has written 2 New York Times best-selling books, Love Warrior, and Carry on, Warrior. Glennon is the founder of Momastery, an online community reaching millions of people each week. She is also the creator and president of Together Rising, a nonprofit organization that has raised millions of dollars for families around the world and has revolutionized online giving.

I’m so excited to sit down with you today, Glennon. Let’s start with ‘brutiful’.

Glennon:         I figured out early on that the most important parts of life, for me, would be sobriety, relationships, love, and faith. These things are so beautiful and also so brutally hard. All at the same time, beautiful and brutal. The thing that I tried to do for so long is numb out the brutal. That’s what addiction is — it’s a hiding place from pain and numbing out. If you numb the brutal, you don’t get to experience the beautiful. At some point along the line, I just said, “Okay, I’ll take all of it.”

Kristen:           When I was reading this beautiful book of yours [holding Love Warrior] and simultaneously drying out my highlighter, I was thinking to myself: I’ve got to interview her.

I believe in timing. I actually feel very fortunate that I’m getting to interview you at this point and time in your life, because in many ways I feel like you are more cracked open, more activated, more recklessly telling the truth.

Glennon:         Oh yes. God, it’s good to be in your 40’s. I would not go back to 30 or 20 for all the money in the world. I feel like in the beginning, we just live for everybody else, and we’re just trying to fit into all of these boxes and trying to be what the world wants us to be. And then when all of that falls apart — we’re free.

I feel so free. I feel freer and freer every year.

Kristen:           We’re actually lucky if it falls apart and we’re lucky if we travel through it, right?

Glennon:         Yes.

Kristen:           Most people don’t realize that there’s such a long period of time between handing in a manuscript to your publisher and finally seeing it on a bookshelf. Especially writing a memoir, which chronicles a moment in time of your life, a lot of life happens in between.

Glennon:         That’s hard for some people with Love Warrior, because that is the story of my life, and specifically the implosion of that marriage and then the healing of my marriage. It ends with my husband — my now ex-husband — and I seemingly redeemed, our marriage redeemed. In many ways it was, but then books end and life goes on. When Love Warrior came out, that story had been written two years beforehand. I was on the road with people who had just finished my book and were so hopeful for my marriage. I had to say, “Oh no, no, no. That’s over.”

So, when you are a writer and you’re releasing books, you are always on the road representing yourself from years ago, which is interesting.

Kristen:           Let’s go back for a minute — I don’t want to gloss over this story. On the outside, your life looked perfect. Setting the stage: you’re married, happily married. You’ve got three kids, a doting husband, a writing career, and then BOOM. Life cracks open.

What happened?

Glennon:         12 years into the marriage, 3 kids, career taking off — my husband told me one day in therapy that he had been unfaithful to me throughout our entire marriage. So, it was a bad day! [smirking sarcastically]

Kristen:           That’s a boom.

Glennon:         I was doing what so many women do, which is that I had my entire identity wrapped up in the roles that I was playing. I was a wife. I was a mother. I was a writer. At the time I was a relationship expert, so I remember thinking, “Well, that gig is probably over.” [laughing]

Kristen:           Time to take a look at the Classifieds.

Glennon:         I think as women, we think that the way we’re supposed to grow up is we’re supposed to become things. So I became, I became, I became.

We end up like those Russian nesting dolls. We’re just putting on bigger and bigger costumes until we lose ourselves. The beautiful thing about getting an eviction notice from your life, like I did in that therapy session, is that we don’t get evicted from our lives unless we’re also being invited to a truer life, a better life.

Kristen:           Those sirens are ringing for you. [NYC street sirens]

Glennon:         I would say angels. So, that was a hard eviction, but what I figured out is that we cannot, as women, put all of our identities in the people that we love or the roles that we play. We cannot put our worth and our identity in things that can be taken away from us.

So, the reason why you look at me now and think that I’m free and strong is because women who’ve been to rock bottom in their lives get to experience fully and learn the truth about life — which is that the only things you really need are the same things that can never be taken from you. That’s why women who have been through it are the brave ones who can laugh at the days to come. Fear just dissipates when you lose what you think you need and you realize you didn’t need it in the first place.

Kristen:           You did try to save your marriage by going to therapy to hold onto it, to scramble and pick up all the pieces.

Glennon:         For years.

Kristen:           I think it’s also probably fair to say that we need to give ourselves permission to find out: Is this salvageable? Do I want to stay?

Glennon:         I’m not sure that going to therapy was to save my marriage. I just knew there was some self-saving that needed to go on.

These crises don’t happen to us unless there’s something there, something to learn. I completely believe that the people who come into our lives are there for a reason. I needed to figure out what was it that this tragedy and pain had come into my life to teach me? I remember going to my therapist and saying, “I am in more pain than I’ve ever been in. I don’t know if my marriage will be saved, but you need to help me figure out how to use this pain so it’s not wasted.”

That whole journey was so wrapped in sex and intimacy that the only way through it was for me to go back to when I was 10-years-old and figure out why I became bulimic.

I ended up starting this work that has ended up freeing me. It didn’t have so much to do with saving my marriage. It had to do with me becoming whole. It was a catalyst. Everything is a catalyst.

Kristen:           I believe that we leave breadcrumbs for ourselves — that there’s a trail that leads to a place that we needed to go back to, to really delve into authentic healing. In hindsight, do you see the red flags that you missed?

Glennon:         Completely, and that’s the beauty of therapy, and that’s the beauty of being an artist and a writer. However, I need to specify that when I was going through this, I was not waking up every day and saying, “There must be a gift in this and I would just like to mine this for some wisdom. I just feel like this experience is very spiritual.” On the contrary, I woke up every day and cursed and cried and rued the day I was born. I hated everything and everyone and all day I would ask, “Why me?”

So, I just want to be clear that all of this wisdom came in the reflection — in the writing of Love Warrior, not the experience of Love Warrior. When I was experiencing infidelity and trying to save my family I was just surviving, which is what most of us do in those times.

It is so important for people to have some time to reflect on what happens to them. My growth grew in the reflection, not in the happening of it. The writing of Love Warrior is where I figured all of this out, and got the wisdom and courage. When it happened to me, I was just trying to make it through the day.

Kristen:           Your online community is called ‘Momastery’. Did you literally start writing in a closet?

Glennon:         Yes. I’ve come out of the closet in so many ways. [laughing]

Kristen:           Let’s not get too far ahead of the story. [laughing]

Glennon:         Sorry. Teasers! Spoiler alerts!

Kristen:           So you were home, taking care of your 3 kids when you began to candidly write about loneliness. You weren’t supposed to be lonely when you had a family, but you started sharing it and literally millions of people a week started responding to it.

Glennon:         Yes, it was wild.

Kristen:           What is it about a woman who’s writing in a closet in between diaper changing that was striking such a chord with so many?

Glennon:         The inspiration for Momastery came from a recovery meeting. I was wasted when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I had been an alcoholic for a decade and a half, and I’d been bulimic for longer than that. I held up that pregnancy test and thought, “Oh my God. This could be my last invitation to come back to life.” So, I went to my first meeting that day. It was Mother’s Day. Subtle, subtle message. [smirking]

Kristen:           No pun intended.

Glennon:         I remember sitting in that recovery meeting and listening to these people tell their stories and thinking, “Oh my God. These are the first honest people I’ve ever met in my life.” In that circle is where I figured out that this is powerful. This is freedom, being able to share your story bravely with no fakeness and no act. The flip side of that is listening to other people’s stories without judgment or without trying to fix anybody. That’s the beauty of these recovery groups.

Kristen:           That’s the key.

Glennon:         It’s the respect. It’s being brave enough to tell your story and kind enough to hear other people’s stories without your own crap and judging them through your own lens. I remember thinking I was so sad when they made me leave the meeting. “Oh my God. I have to go back to my life?” I want to live here.

I thought, “Why is it that we can only be this honest in little dark basements of churches one hour a week?” That’s so weird. If that one hour a week is so powerful, what if we could do this out in the open? What if we could actually be fully human and honest with each other in real life?

That is where the idea of Momastery came in, because a monastery is a place where sensitive, spiritual people retreat from the real world because they feel like there’s a better way to live. Then they create intentional communities that are based on love and freedom and kindness. So, I thought, “Why couldn’t we make a place like that on the Internet?”

Kristen:           There’s this powerful passage I want to read from your book, which I would say is an ode to stay-at-home moms everywhere. This is the honesty that you have the ability to convey. You wrote this is in reaction to Craig, your ex-husband coming home and saying, “How was your day?'”

Glennon:         Such an aggressive question, “How was your day?”

Kristen:           You wrote: How was my day? It was a lifetime. It was the best of times and the worst of times. I was both lonely and never alone. I was simultaneously bored out of my skull and completely overwhelmed. I was saturated with touch, desperate to get the baby off me, and the second I put her down I yearned to smell her sweet skin again. This day required more than I’m physically and emotionally capable of, while requiring nothing from my brain. I had thoughts today, ideas, real things to say and no one to hear them.

Glennon:         Good times. [sarcastically]

Kristen:           It reflects your ability to encapsulate emotion and paint a relatable picture.

Glennon:         Because it reflects this cultural idea that is very specific to our country actually, which is that if you admit that anything is hard or complicated, that’s like an admission of failure.

Being a mother is all beautiful, right? Being a mother is a hard. If it’s not hard for you, maybe you’re not doing it right!

Kristen:           Amen.

Glennon:         These things in life — marriage, family, God — I often find that they’re hardest and most complicated for people who are doing them right, who are showing up every day vulnerably and with their whole selves and getting knocked down and getting back up again.

I’ve been a stay-at-home mom. I’ve been a working mom. All these labels, I know we hate them, but I still think —and half the world will be furious with me for this — but I still say that being home with those babies all day was the hardest mom-ing I’ve ever done. Bless these women warriors.

Kristen:           Absolutely. In Love Warrior, you spoke of the moment where you came across something. I think it was on Facebook and it was ‘The 25 Things’. Can you tell us about that?

Glennon:         By this point, I was often in recovery meetings questioning where can we tell the truth. I just want to be able to tell this truth in real life. I couldn’t find anywhere, people in playgroups, people at church, which is so funny. I went to church thinking that that’s where people would be honest because of God. And yet, in there, people were acting like everything was perfect more than anywhere else. I thought that is so funny: Acting like you’re perfect at church is like getting really dressed up for an X-ray.

Kristen:           I love that quote.

Glennon:         God knows we’re jacked up. What are we doing if we can’t even be honest here?

I was exhausted with all of the pretending. There was this thing on Facebook. People were just listing things about themselves. I thought, “Oh I could do that.” So, I sat down and pounded out a list that was like my ‘truthiest’ truth. I was talking about alcoholism and bulimia and all of it.

Anyway, it turned out everyone else was doing it on a little bit lighter scale. I remember my #6 was, “I’m a recovering food and alcohol addict, but I still find myself missing booze in the same twisted way we can miss those who repeatedly beat us and leave us for dead.”

That is true! But my friend Lisa’s #6 was, “My favorite snack food is hummus,” right?

Kristen:           Oooh, don’t tell anybody!

Glennon:         So, that’s when I figured out that we’re not doing that. We’re just saying stupid crap about ourselves. We’re not even being honest here.

That was a hard day. I wanted to die because my #6 was my most lighthearted one. Then later I got really brave and I started opening these emails that people had written to me after reading my list. They were from people who I had known my whole life, but they had never really told me their stuff. We had been so busy trying to pretend to each other that everything was ‘perfect’.

Kristen:           That’s such a truth.

Glennon:         We had never brought the real stuff to each other — the stuff that keeps us up at night, the heavy stuff that we were actually meant to help each other carry.

There was something about me saying, “OK, here I really am. Not my representative, not my shiny self, but my real self.” In response, that made them finally feel comfortable and brave enough to say, “OK, then. Here I am too.”

These emails said things like, “You know, my sister’s bulimic. She’s been bulimic for 15 years. We don’t know what to do. My marriage is falling apart. I cry myself to sleep every night. We’re out of money.” I just thought, “Oh my God. This truth-telling thing is like a key that can actually unlock people.”

Kristen:           From the suffering and silence, which is amazing.

Glennon:         We all live in quiet desperation. I remember saying, “That’s what I’m going to do. I’m going be a truth teller,” because I think all you need to be a truth teller is shamelessness. I was born without it. I don’t know where shame is. I can’t find it. I just never have had it.

Kristen:           Really?

Glennon:         No! Well, maybe the first 25 years of my life. Maybe that was what all the booze and addiction was about: shame.

Kristen:           What about guilt?

Glennon:         Guilt is good. Guilt is when you say, “I acted like a jerk and I’m going to change it. I acted in a way that is unworthy of who I am.” Shame says, “Who I am is unworthy.” Guilt presupposes that you know yourself to be better than you just behaved. It’s a correction. I am better than that. Shame is poison. Shame is, “I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy.” Shame is just an excuse. Also, shame is the same thing as pride. It’s the flip side of pride. Pride says, “I’m better than everyone, so I don’t have to show up for life.” And shame just says, “I’m worse than everybody, so I don’t have to show up for life.”

They’re both just denials of our common humanity, which is that nobody is better than anybody else. Nobody is more ready to show up than anybody else. It’s just that some people show up before they’re perfect and before they’re ready.

All the beauty and good in the world is done by those people. I think that pride and shame are for wimps; I don’t believe in them. Every time I feel shame creeping in, every time I feel shameful about anything, that’s when I know what I need to write about, because things that we feel shame about, the longer they stay in the dark, the bigger and scarier they get.

So, for me, that’s putting them on paper. The second they get out into the light, they’re so much less scary. Shame can’t handle light. The second it’s out, it just disappears.

Kristen:           You have this poignant quote when you were writing ‘The 25 Things’ — I was envisioning you there in your closet…

Glennon:         We lived in a very small house. My closet was the only place I could get away. By the way, every once in a while I would look up in my closet and my entire freaking family would be in my closet with me. [laughing] Get out!

Kristen:           This is sacred space.

Glennon:         Yes.

Kristen:           You said: As I finish and stare at my writing, I feel more like I’m looking into a mirror than I have ever felt looking into an actual mirror. There I am, the inside me, on the outside. As I read and reread my list, trying to get to know me, I hear crying from upstairs. Amma is awake from her nap and she needs me. She’ll have to wait because I’m finally awake, too, and I need me first.

Glennon:         Oh, that’s good. I like that. I’ve actually thought about that sentence a lot: I felt more like looking into a mirror than I ever have looking into a mirror.

I’ve had a very confusing relationship with food and body and appearance my whole life. So, for me to be able to put all of that aside and say, “Okay. Here’s the inside me. Go ahead and see that. Go ahead and judge that. Do whatever you must do with that. The writing me is ‘realer’ to me than the physical me.”

Kristen:           I just recently attended a panel discussion of memoirists, amongst them was Dani Shapiro…

Glennon:         I love Dani Shapiro.

Kristen:           She’s wonderful. She said, “We don’t always know what we’re going to write about. It chooses us.” She also said, “If you censor the story, you’ll never know what it is meant to be.”

Glennon:         Listen, I wrote 2 or 3 different book proposals before Love Warrior. I did not want to write about that most painful time in my life. I wanted to write anything else. The previous proposals sucked. They were terrible. I kept thinking, “Why can’t I figure this out?” The reason why they sucked is because I wasn’t writing the thing that I was called to write.

Kristen:           Did you have someone pushing you along saying, “Girl, you gotta write the other story”?

Glennon:         Totally. One of my dearest friends is my editor, Whitney Frick. She’s amazing. Everybody knew I was eventually going to write Love Warrior. They were all just pretending that I wasn’t, guiding me along, letting me handle as much as I could handle at the time.

I remember thinking, “Okay. So, I’m a writer and because I’m a writer, God, the universe, whatever you want to call it, gives me a story to write. If I don’t write the hell out of this story — I’ll just have to stop being a writer.”

You can’t say you’re a writer and not write the story that the universe has given you to write. So, I had 2 choices: I can either do my best and write the hell out of this Love Warrior, or I can be something else. But I can’t keep calling myself a writer if I don’t do this.

Kristen:           I love the part of the book where you talked about the inner self and our ‘representative’ and that internal dialogue between the two.

Glennon:         We have our representative selves — that’s who we send out to the world.

When people say, “How are you?” There are 5 things you’re allowed to say. For example, you’re allowed to talk about the weather. You’re allowed to say, “I like your scarf. I like your hair.” You’re not supposed to say, “Oh actually, my marriage is in the shitter and I am feeling really overwhelmed lately.” You’re just not allowed to say those things that you’re really thinking.

I believe that there has to be a place for every woman and every man to be able to reveal that true voice. This is what recovery meetings are. For some people, it’s coffee with a dear friend. For some people it’s dancing. For some people it’s writing.

Virginia Woolf said, “Every woman needs a room of her own,” and I certainly didn’t have that. I was in a closet, but I do believe that every woman needs an hour of her own a day. An hour where she can step outside of all of her roles and she can just be her soul. So, this is there where that voice that we hide all day can come out and onto the paper and that feels like freedom.

Kristen:           You were claiming that in your writing, in your closet?

Glennon:         Absolutely.

This is the hour where I’m not a mom and I’m not a wife and I’m not a nonprofit president. I’m just this soul that I was born with and that I will die with. I feel more committed than ever to that internal voice.

I think that half the things I’ve done in my life I did because external voices were telling me that was what I was supposed to do and who I was supposed to be as a woman. I ran that ship into the shore. It just didn’t work. So many times I talked to women after they’ve done something that they knew they shouldn’t have — where their inner voice had been saying “No, no, no.” Or their inner voice was saying, “Yes, yes, yes,” but all the voices and expectations of the world were saying the opposite. As women, we are just so addicted to listening to outer voices instead of our inner voice.

Kristen:           People pleasing.

Glennon:         Yes, but let’s not blame ourselves for it. From the time we’re born, what is the highest compliment our culture can bestow upon women? She’s so selfless. Let’s think about that for a minute. The ultimate compliment for a woman is that you do not even have a self! Then we get to this age where we can’t find ourselves anymore and we wonder why.

That’s why the most revolutionary thing a woman can do is to begin to practice stillness, listen for that wisdom on the inside, block out all the outside — because there is a knowing. There is a voice that rises up in stillness inside of a woman. You can call it whatever you want. I call it God. You can call it intuition. You can call it wisdom. I have a dear friend who has some God issues; she calls it, Sebastian. I don’t think it freaking matters what you call it.

Kristen:           Just call it.

Glennon:         Exactly. This rising, this knowing, settles in or rises up. It will tell you what to do next, but it will never give you a 5-year plan. I have a tattoo on my wrist that says, “Be still,” because whenever I don’t know what to do, it’s just because I haven’t checked back in.

Be still and know.

This was another gift. No — it was the single gift of the marriage implosion.

Kristen:           The crisis gift.

Glennon:         Crisis means to sift. We all want to avoid crisis in our lives because we think it’s a bad thing. Crisis is an opportunity. The word crisis literally means to sift like a child who goes to the beach and lifts up the sand and watches all the sand fall away, hoping that there’ll be treasure left over.

It comes in so that we can hold up our life in front of us, watch everything fall away that we thought we needed, and then we can find out what’s left over. During that time my marriage imploded, I was already a writer. I was on the road constantly. I was out there. Everyone on earth had advice for me. Everybody knew what I should do. The church had some serious ideas about what I should do. My family, the Interwebs, my publishers, everybody. I realized along the way I’m going to lose my mind if I try to please all of these people. There literally is no way to please all these people because they all want opposing things. The only way I’m going to survive this and know that I’m doing the right thing for myself is to shut all of it out and go inside. It was survival.

So, I promised myself during that time that I was going to take 15 minutes a day and just be really quiet and listen to myself, to God, whatever you want to call it, whatever that deepest voice is. And it started working because the thing is, it didn’t have anything to do with right or wrong. What’s the right thing to do? What’s the wrong thing to do? These are socially constructed ideas.

The ‘next thing’ is never about right or wrong; it’s just about precise. What is the precise next thing that I’m supposed to do? That only comes directly to you. That can’t come from any institution in your life.

Kristen:           You’re the one who’s got to live with it.

Glennon:         Right. Then you get to this point where you question, “What is best for me?”

The world has convinced us somewhere along the line that if we choose what’s best for us that it will be screwing everyone we care about. There could be nothing further from the truth. What is right and true and good and precise for me is inevitably what is right and true and precise and good for my people.

I figured that out when I thought, “Oh my God. I’m staying in a marriage and in a relationship that I know is not right for me — for my children.” One day I sat down and thought, “But would I want this for my children?” I realized I was staying for my daughters, but would I want my daughters to stay in this?

Kristen:           What would you be saying if they were in this situation?

Glennon:         I would be saying, “Honey, you can love and forgive a man and still not want to be married to him for the rest of your life.”

Kristen:           Amen.

Glennon:         If you want your daughters to be warriors who live true to themselves and aren’t lying and aren’t pretending — then you better do that because they’re not watching what we say. They’re watching what we do.

Kristen:           So, Craig was unfaithful to you, but in the end of the day, you were actually unfaithful to yourself.

Glennon:         I thought that this book and this journey were about betrayal. I thought it was about betrayal that happens between a man and a woman. But what I figured out is that this book was about me learning how not to betray myself. It was about self-betrayal.

The only promise I will make is that I will never betray myself again. I think that self-betrayal is allowing the fear voices in my head to override the still small voice of truth that already knows what to do.

Kristen:           Has that gotten easier?

Glennon:         Yes. Women are so convinced to be selfless that sometimes when I talk to women about this still small voice, they don’t know what I’m talking about. They’ll say, “I don’t think I have it. I don’t think I have that voice. I don’t even know what I want for dinner.” Where is the knowing?

It’s so interesting. I do this with kids. My son is 14. He has these girls who come over all the time. I will walk into the room and say, “Okay. Do you want pizza or chicken or whatever for dinner?” So, all the boys will yell out exactly what they want and the girls will look at each other.

This happens so many times that I actually said, “Okay, that’s enough.” [clapping her hands] I called all the girls into the other room one day and I sat them down. I said, “Here’s the thing. This house is going to be a safe place for you to have opinions, okay? You actually have opinions. You know how the boys just said what they want? You can also do that.” They didn’t know what I was talking about so we had to do an exercise.

I got a quarter out and I said, “This is what we are going to do. I’m going flip this coin, okay? Heads, pizza. Tails, chicken. I’m flipping it now. What do you want it to be?” They’re like, “Heads!” I was like, “Oh my God. That’s your voice. You want pizza. That’s your voice!”

Kristen:           You did it. Mission accomplished.

Glennon:         Sometimes you have to actually trick your voice into speaking, because we’re so convinced that if we do, we’re being selfish or whatever. Once we trust that voice to make little decisions for us — pizza or chicken — we hear it, we do that, and then the decisions get bigger and bigger until we trust ourselves.

Kristen:           Once something happens that validates it, suddenly we can trust it.

Glennon:         The world’s not going to fall apart because we say we want something. If it does fall apart, it was a world that needed to fall apart for you to build the world that you were supposed to live in. There are plenty of worlds that need to fall apart.

Listen, we come by this fear of female desire honestly. Here’s the first story I ever learned about the universe and women when I was about eight: God made this garden. He put man in it. Man was lonely and bored. So God made a woman out of man’s body. Then the woman wanted something. She went for it. Then the whole freaking world fell apart.

When I heard this story, I remember scratching my head thinking, “But don’t women give birth to men? This is the first time I’ve heard that.” This is like biblical alternative facts, right? We’re taught very, very early not to trust female desire. And because of that, we think deep in our bones that what we want is shameful and dangerous and will destroy the world. It’s just not true.

What women really want are love, real love, freedom, equality, good sex, good food, sharing and power. What women want is good and true and should be trusted. When we think hard about who’s teaching women that what they want will destroy worlds — there we have patriarchy. The really interesting thing is when you start considering that maybe if women started to go after what they wanted, worlds would crumble. But maybe those are the exact worlds that need to crumble so that our creation can be rebuilt on something truer and fairer and less patriarchal.

Women are starting to figure out that what they want is true and good. And when that happens, things are going to get interesting.

Kristen:           They are.

Ultimately you decided to leave the marriage. There’s a passage in the book where your entire family is staring at you and you have to just say, “I gotta go.” The beautiful thing I want to say about that is that you both worked really hard in therapy. In the end you refer to each other as ‘healing partners’ that came into that marriage equally broken and that the end result of not being together didn’t matter. What mattered was that you had been a part of each other’s healing and are still very much a part of each other’s lives and co-parenting.

Glennon:         Absolutely. And we probably like and respect each other more than we ever have before.

I think people need to be really careful with their language about marriage, because somebody said to me recently in an interview, “All that work, and then your marriage failed.” I thought, ” That’s so interesting.” Never, not for one minute in my existence have I considered that my marriage was a failure. Craig and I were brought to each other to help each other heal. When I married Craig, I was a freaking disaster. I had been sober for like four minutes. I was just learning how to be a human being. I had all of this pain and unhealed, open, gaping wounds. He had wounds that I didn’t even know about yet.

We left each other. We did the hard, hard work of forgiveness. We stayed on our mats. Then we left each other more whole and braver and stronger and better people.

Kristen:           And loving each other and not judging each other.

Glennon:         We both think of our marriage as a raging success. I don’t think of it as a failing or even ending, it was just complete. We had completed our contracts to each other and it was time for both of us to begin again.

Kristen:           It really is a testament to love, because you’re still very much in each other’s lives.

Glennon:         Every day. He is a daily part of my life and I cannot imagine that there’s a better father on the earth than he is to our kids.

Kristen:           So, this was your contract. This was the role. He was your healing partner.

Glennon:         He got me to a good place.

Kristen:           When Love Warrior was just going out into the world, the people around you knew what was going down in your personal life. They also knew that everyone who read the book would be rooting for this marriage to succeed and you already knew that it was dissolving in its present form. Everyone told you, “You can’t tell. You can’t let anybody know.” And yet, you really stood in that truth and said, “Momastery is not created on that platform.” Damn girl, that was an act of bravery.

Was there a moment when you wavered in that decision?

Glennon:         No, the only wavering had to do with timing, like at what point do I tell? It’s very interesting to be a ‘professional truth teller’. [laughing]

Kristen:           Do your kids catch you on that?

Glennon:         Oh totally. Well, I definitely lie to my kids. [laughing] Let’s not be ridiculous, but I think that it’s tricky because if you’re a truth-teller, does that mean that you keep nothing to yourself? Is there a difference between secrets and privacy? This is a dance. I owe the world the truth, but I do not owe the world my whole life and my whole heart. I can’t live that way.

That was a dance I had to walk and think through a million times over with all of the people that I love in my life. What it came down to was, I can keep my life to myself in ways that I choose. However, this part of my story, I had made public and I made those choices all along.

My dear friend, Liz Gilbert helped me with this. Because I had shared this story so publicly and because my marriage was such a part of my work — I knew that I owed the truth about that in real time to my people. So, I announced our separation three weeks before the release of Love Warrior, and everybody was telling me, “Oh this is going ruin the book.”

Kristen:           Disaster.

Glennon:         Disaster. Nobody’s going to buy this book.

Kristen:           Truth is never a disaster.

Glennon:         No, it’s always the best policy!

It’s so hilarious how we try to convince ourselves, “Oh maybe in this situation, the truth is not the best policy.” Never! It always is, at all times. My entire platform and life is built on telling the truth, whether it’s popular or easy.

I have always known that all of this could go away in a hot second. That is a daily thing for me that I think it probably will. I don’t think that anybody can speak out as much as I do, especially now in my activism, where it doesn’t eventually cause major repercussions.

For me, success is not keeping as many followers as possible or selling as many books as possible. Success for me is going to bed at night and knowing that I lived as honestly and truthfully and honorably as I possible could that day.

Then, whoever sticks around are the people who were supposed to stick around. But I’m not keeping people or readers based on a version of myself that’s not my true self — that will never feel like success for me.

Kristen:           You use a term I love: ‘unbecoming Glennon’. You had to unbecome Glennon, to become the real Glennon. And I think that’s a great takeaway for people to think about.

Glennon:         It’s the Russian nesting doll thing again.

We spend our 20’s and 30’s becoming things. I will become a wife. I will become a mother. I will become a working woman. I will become the PTA president. I will become… Then we realize at some point that all of that didn’t make us happy, that it didn’t do whatever it promised us it would do.

And then something happens typically in our 40’s. That is the catalyst to ‘unbecoming’ all of these things. I’m convinced we don’t have to learn anything new, that we were born knowing everything we need to know, but that wisdom comes from unlearning all the crap that this world has accidentally taught us since we’ve gotten here.

Kristen:           Where has the unbecoming led you today?

Glennon:         Well, one way that I can describe this is that I feel like the process of Love Warrior — which was figuring out how to listen to that voice inside and really just become that whole voice — my whole being now is that voice. I’ve figured out a way to just embody it and stop…

Kristen:           …simply writing about it.

Glennon:         Yes, and not second-guessing it anymore and not analyzing its depth.

I think that even when women hear from that voice, the reality is that we’re consensus takers. Instead of just listening to it, we need to call 60 friends and ask, “What do you think I should do?” Blah, blah, blah. And the hilarious thing is that our friends don’t even know what they need to do in their life, but we think they’re going to know what we need to do in our life.

Kristen:           But they’ve got opinions for us.

Glennon:         Of course, because it’s easier to think about what you should do than stay at my house and think about what I should do. That’s why we all want to talk to each other about each other’s lives. We have a system. We call all of our wise friends first and then we save the last one who would tell us what we want to hear for the end, so we can just do that thing.

I figured out that it takes too much time to be a consensus taker. I want to do big things and live honestly and truthfully and with integrity. I love my friends, but it is not their job to know what I should do with my life. It is not anybody else’s job. We have to stop asking people for directions to places they’ve never been.

Kristen:           Oh, I love that.

Glennon:         Nobody has ever been us. They don’t know. It’s a powerless and wimpy thing to keep asking. What I figured out is that I can do this next right thing without asking for permission first.

And the best part is, I can do it without explaining myself later, because we women have our pre-thing and our post-thing. First we ask for permission consensus, then we do the thing. Then we spend the next year and a half justifying that thing to everyone we know.

The most revolutionary thing that a woman can do is not explain herself. Can you imagine living this way? It’s almost like living like a man.

If you made a mistake, guess what? You just backtrack and try something else. It is not the end of the world to make the wrong decision. You just try again. That’s why I feel ever so slightly fearless, because I’ve already lost everything that was supposed to kill me to lose. It didn’t kill me. I’m still standing.

Kristen:           Are you truly fearless?

Glennon:         I’m fearless in terms of knowing that the world won’t end no matter what happens. I thought that divorce would ruin my children’s lives. I thought that I would crush them beyond all being and that was the one thing I thought I couldn’t do. That’s why I stayed for so long, but then I did that, and everyone’s OK. There was pain. That pain belonged to my children because it was part of their path. I think that the mistake that we make as parents is that we think our job is to protect our children from their pain. It is not our job, nor our right.

Kristen:            It’s actually a disservice.

Glennon:         It’s stealing, because all of our wisdom and wholeness and courage come from the pain of our lives. Wise people and brave people and resilient people and kind people are not people who have had nothing to overcome. They’re people who have overcome and overcome and overcome.

We are trying to protect our children from the one thing that will allow them to become the people they were born to be. We want our kids to grow up to be wise and kind and brave and resilient. If we want that for them then we have to let them struggle and overcome. So yes, I brought a lot of pain to my children last year. Then I walked them through it. We made it through. And I didn’t tell them that their pain wasn’t real. I didn’t distract them from it.

I just pointed them directly to it every day and I said, “Look, I see your fear and I see your pain and it’s real and it’s big, but I also see your strength and I see your courage and it’s bigger, so let’s just get in the fire again today.”

Now they know that they survived it. They’ve got to be a little bit more fearless. So, in that big cosmic way, I’m fearless. In the daily way, I’m scared all the time; like for this interview, for the next thing I do, for speaking tonight. I’m just a raging pile of anxiety about daily things.

Kristen:           ‘Scited’?

Glennon:         Scited, yes! The butterflies, the half scared, half excited feelings are what we call ‘scited’ in my house. I live scited for sure. What I have figured out is that nobody who I know who’s doing awesome world healing work feels prepared to do it. It’s just that some people show up even before they feel ready. The people who are doing all the good work in the world are just people who show up scared.

Kristen:           What a beautiful gift to give your children, to empower them at such a young age to know that they will come face to face with things that are brutal and things that are painful and things that will crack them open, but to also know that they can come through it and that there will be gifts. You’re not making light of this, but you stand as a testament to that. Craig stands as a testament to that and your relationship stands as a testament to that, which is a ‘brutiful’ gift.

Glennon:         Hopefully, they won’t be as afraid of pain as most people are. I really think it might be the definition of freedom: to not be afraid of pain.

Kristen:           These are conversations we never had.

Glennon:         I did not know that until yesterday. It would’ve been helpful to know this about 20 years ago.

Kristen:           We got here as fast as we could.

Glennon:         Timing is exactly what it is. Truth reveals itself to us when we’re ready for it.

Kristen:           Did you ever think that there was room for another love story?

Glennon:         No. I thought that I would run Momastery and be monkish for the rest of my life. I’m like the love warrior who had no freaking idea what romantic love was. I don’t think I had ever actually experienced romantic love in my life. So, I didn’t understand what anybody was talking about. I hated romantic comedies. I didn’t understand them. I used to say, “You know love is a light and some people use their light like a laser on one person, but I’m more like a floodlight. I just love the whole world”. I used to tell myself crap like this and I used to believe it myself.

The most amazing thing about life is that you can think you have it all figured out. You can think you know what your life’s going to look like, and then it just keeps surprising you.

Kristen:           So, do tell, how did it surprise you?

Glennon:         I fell in love with a woman. Her name is Abby. I’m about to marry her in a second. You know how in the movie, The Wizard of Oz, everything is black and white in the beginning and the suddenly there is this scene where it all turns to Technicolor? And you don’t even realize until you see it in color that you were watching it in black and white before. You just thought that’s what it looked like and then it comes to color and you’re like, “Oh my God. I didn’t even know what I was missing before.” That’s the best way that I can describe how my life’s been since I met Abby.

Kristen:           How has that unfolded in your personal and professional life?

Glennon:         It was just another layer of trusting myself. I come from all kinds of backgrounds that would tell me that this wasn’t right or good or true, but I had already learned not to trust those voices.

Kristen:           The heart loves what the heart loves.

Glennon:         Right, absolutely.

So, it was just another step where I said, “OK world, bless your heart. You just go ahead. You do your world thing. You freak out and fret just as much as you need to, and I’m just going to keep doing my thing. So, when you are ready, just come back.” That’s what I said to everybody.

Luckily, for my kids, the woman thing didn’t bother them much, because I’ve been a raging gay activist for a decade. My kids have actually been to more gay pride parades than Abby has. My kids are better gay activists than Abby is, I’ll tell you that. [laughing] That part they were ready for.

Kristen:           Kids are so advanced and so they’re so smart.

Glennon:         It’s taught me a lot about making sure that you are living your values with your children out loud before they affect you personally.

I know so many people who are in the Christian world or whatever and they don’t believe this crap that the Christian church teaches about gays and all of this. But they don’t say anything because it would be rocking the boat. It doesn’t affect them personally, so they let their kids listen to this crap. Then one of their kids turns out to be gay, and then they have to un-teach. They have to go back and say, “Ooh, actually, we don’t believe it.” Then on some level, their kids never believe that.

Kristen:           They have to ‘unbecome’.

Glennon:         Their kids never believe them because they knew that they were the catalyst to get their parents to change. That is no longer okay. If you were in a church or an institution that is teaching something that is outside the bounds of love and equality and justice, your job is to speak up about it before it affects you directly.

That’s the basis of all activism right now, but I’ve learned it really well this way. Thank God that I spoke up about gay rights for other people’s children before it affected my own children, because there was no change of values in my family. My children understood this as a continuation of the truth of who our family is as opposed to a separation from the truth. Which is why my children are able to embrace it completely.

That’s an important aside. You just do it before. Do it for your children. Do it for other people’s children. Raise your hand when something’s not true whether you think it affects you or not.

Abby and I knew early that we had found the most important thing in the world. We knew. It very clear to both of us that we had found this love thing that is what all the great stories are written about, that is like the Holy Grail of life.  Other people’s fear kind of shrunk in the reality of that. Nobody was going to take it from us. We knew that. We just imagined ourselves as a little island with a moat around us and with alligators in the moat. We would actually envision this.

Then we would tell each other ‘no lies in’ — which meant that everybody could have their fear, but fear is always a lie. Everybody could have their drama and their fear and judgment, and that was fine. It just wasn’t coming to our island.

The second part of that was we would tell each other ‘only love out’. Only love coming off the island, because we figured out that fear is just love holding its breath. A lot of the fear that was coming at us was from people who loved us. They were just so scared for us — not of us, just for us — but it was not our job to convince them, ever.

Kristen:           Was it fear for you or was it just their own fear?

Glennon:         I don’t know. I think some of it came from a sweet, honest place. I talked to kids whose parents are dealing with their coming out and their parents are having such a hard time. It’s so easy and maybe sometimes right for these kids to rage against their parents, but it’s sometimes more peaceful to think, “Baby, you’re okay, and your momma’s not scared of you. She’s just scared for you. She looks out at the world and sometimes she thinks the world’s going be so hard on you — and it’ll just be easier to change you then to change the world.”

One of those two things has to happen. I just call BS on that. I would rather fight my whole life to change the entire world than change one hair on my kid’s head.

I think we preemptively bring fear to our children because we’re fearful of the world. Sometimes we just have to say, “I am completely on your side and we will handle it together, whatever the world brings to us.” The problem is that when a child or an adult like me thinks that it’s my job to put you in your place about your fear, it’s just too exhausting.

Hence, only ‘love out’. The people who loved me, who felt angry or hurt or fearful, they would bring it to me and I would say, “You sound so afraid. Tell me more.” That’s it. “I love you. I’m okay. I want you to be okay.” And I would also say, “You can’t come to us until you accept us completely, because we’re not going to allow your fear near us. But I’m not trying to convince you. Take forever. Take a decade. Take 20 years. Never see us again, if that’s what is necessary. You just can’t come here with any fear.”

There’s not one person in my closest circle or in the circle outside of that who didn’t eventually see my OK-ness and say, “OK.” Nobody that matters to me, anyway.

I think that what people need to be okay with is for us to be okay. When they can see your unshakable peace and they can see you’re not desperate to convince them, everybody takes a deep breath.

Kristen:           Let’s not bypass your activism. Something tells me that you came into this world as a little spitfire, even if you didn’t know what you were meant to do with it.

Tell us about Together Rising.

Glennon:         Together Rising is our nonprofit that was born organically out of the blog. When women are filled up — which is what we do at Momastery — we tend to spill out into our communities. It can start out very small, like helping each other through Christmases, and now it’s turned into an international movement. We’ve raised over $7 million for women and children in crisis all over the world.

Our major focus abroad right now is refugee relief. At home, we do all kinds of first responding to people in need here, one family at a time, and we also partner with several homeless organizations. This year especially, the LGBTQ community is the largest growing homeless community in the country because their families are rejecting them.

Together Rising is the most important thing I do. I think every word that I speak or write is really about Together Rising. I think that is how the world works. It gives us these gifts and these talents, and certainly writing is one of mine and speaking is one of mine, but these are just hooks. The universe has you use your talents as hooks that get you to the surface.

I became a writer. A writer’s job is to look carefully, to look more carefully than the average bear, at people and things, to notice things that other people don’t notice, and then to tell about them. Inevitably, what happens to artists who are carefully looking at people is that they fall in love with people. You can’t get close to another human being and really see them without falling in love in some way. And when you’re looking closely and you’re falling in love, you want to serve, which leads you to philanthropy and charity work.

I began to realize we were inundated every day with need, need, need. People couldn’t pay their bills. People couldn’t keep their lights on. Refugees had no homes. At one point I thought, “What is causing all of this?” I read this quote that said, “You can only pull people out of the river for so long until you want to look down the river and see who’s pushing them in.” I was trying to pull them out of the water and then suddenly I had to ask, “Wait. Why? Why do these people not have homes? Why can’t these people pay their bills? Why are these people hungry? Why are these kids not getting served?” That’s when I figured out I had to look further up the river.

That’s why people who are paying close enough attention in philanthropy become activists. I am still committed to pulling people out of the water — because that’s my honor and joy on earth — and because I’ve been a woman or a child in crisis most of my life. This is the circle for me. Women have helped me so I want to help.

But I’m not going to do that anymore unless I’m also asking questions and showing up on the doors of these institutions. Why are so many LGBTQ kids homeless? Because there are institutions that are telling their families, “This is shameful — get it out of your house.” I can keep helping these kids over here, but I also need to be showing up at the church and saying, “What the hell are you teaching these families and why?”

Art leads you to philanthropy. Philanthropy leads you to activism. I see it again and again and again. And of course, activism is scarier than charity work. It’s scary to knock on the doors of institutions and shake those cages. It’s also great fun.

Kristen:           Where is this leading you right now? What’s the vision for Glennon? I know you’ve got the wedding right around the corner — by the time this comes out, you will be married.

Glennon:         I’m getting married. [singing]

Kristen:           So what’s next for you?

Glennon:         I’m supposed to be writing another book right now. I have zero words of that done, so I hope my editor doesn’t see this interview [laughing]. I feel super strongly about diving into this relationship that I’m in right now and really feeling and living romantic love. I care less now about telling about it. Been there, done that.

I’ve seen the price that you have to pay for it. I have so much empathy for Craig now when I look back on that time in my life, not because of the telling of it, not because of the writing of it, but because of the way you live with another person when you know you’re writing about it, because the whole freaking thing becomes a social experiment. How does that person ever feel surrendered and comfortable and safe?

It’s really interesting about memoirists. Nora Ephron said that everything is copy. That’s one way to live, but I’m not sure it’s safe to anybody around you. Joan Didion said, “A writer will always sell you out.”

Kristen:           Well, you did say in the book, “This is my family. These are real people. This is not material.”

Glennon:         Yeah, except that it was material because I was writing about it.

I don’t have regrets. That book did exactly what it was supposed to do and made me the woman I am today and I wouldn’t change it for anything and neither would Craig. He’s very happy now.

I’d be an idiot not to learn from it. I don’t ever want Abby to feel like she’s material. I’m rethinking boundaries in my life and figuring out what I want to keep for myself and what I owe to the world. The question is, What version of my life do I get to keep for myself?

I have learned that what you give away between two people you do not get to keep between two people. I’m trying to figure out how to keep my relationship with Abby, which is the most precious thing in my life, safe first and foremost — but I will never stop showing up in the world.

I think that there’s never been a more important time for people of love, and people who actually believe in the American ideals of equality and justice for all, to show up relentlessly and wisely and loudly. I think that I, like many other women, were put on the earth for just such a time as this.

I think the world needs brave women more than it ever has needed brave women. I’m excited about that because there’s certainly never been a time when there’s been more raging misogyny in the air and that’s scaring people.

Kristen:           It’s a pushback.

Glennon:         Of course, it’s a pushback. The dying gasps of patriarchy, right?

It’s beautiful. It’s desperate. It’s never been more important for brave women to speak up. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m just going to keep doing the next right thing and I’m not going to allow the powers that be to scare me into not doing and saying what I know is true and right.

When my kids ask me what I did during this time, I want them to be able to say that their mom showed up and did everything she could to guide this place into a direction that’s based on love and the belief that there is no such thing as other people’s children.

I sat down with my kids after the Charleston shooting and talked to them a lot about the civil rights movement. Tish and I were looking at pictures of a march. Amma said, “Hey mom, if we lived back then would we have been marching?” I almost said, “Yes! Of course, we would’ve.” And Tish said, “Oh no, Amma. We wouldn’t have been … I mean, we’re not marching now.”

That was the moment for me when I realized, “Oh my God. We all think we would’ve shown up.” We all think we would have shown up during the Holocaust. We all think we would’ve shown up during slavery. We all think we would’ve shown up during the civil rights movement.

But what if the best indicator of how we would’ve shown up during those moments is how we’re showing up in this moment, in this civil rights moment? If I am not marching now, I sure as hell wouldn’t have been marching then. I would’ve been one of the silent complicit sheep.

I want my kids to look back on this time and see their own faces in those marches. I don’t want them to say, “Oh my mom … ” I want them to say, “My mom dragged me along.” That’s it.

Romantic love and universal love. That’s what I’m going to concentrate on.

Kristen:           That’s a pretty tall order.

Glennon:         I’m not afraid.

Kristen:           You’re the love warrior. “Love, pain, fear — I was born to do this.”

Glennon:         I was born to do this.

Kristen:           I’m going to close with a quote from Elizabeth Lesser about redemption: “Redemption is living your life, using the difficulty for something, wasting nothing.”

Glennon:         That’s amazing.

Kristen:           I feel like that embodies you.

Glennon:         That’s exactly it.

Kristen:           I want to thank you for showing up here today. I want to thank you for showing up for everyone that gets this beautiful book in their hands and every other book that is to come, for showing up for activism for the world, for your children, teaching them to walk through that fire. Thank you so much for everything that you’re doing.

Glennon:         This has been amazing. You are a wonderful person to talk to. Thank you for your work. Thanks for being in it, sister.

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The post Interview: Glennon Doyle | The New Activism appeared first on BEST SELF.

A fairy tale marriage faces dramatic challenges as a psychotic breakdown interrupts a beautiful love story

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An interview with Mark Lukach

by Kristen Noel

Listen to the audio interview

Kristen:           Once upon a time, a beautiful fairytale romance was born. It was love at first sight for Mark and Giulia Lukach who met on the campus of Georgetown University when they were only 18 years old. Madly in love, they graduated, married, secured dream jobs, and rode off into the sunset, moving across the country to live in San Francisco, one of the most desirable cities in the world. Life was full of promise and they dreamed, plotted, planned, and saved for the bright future ahead. They had it all mapped out until the ‘in sickness and in health, through good times and in bad’ part of their vows was put to the test… and put to the test and put to the test.

In 2009, when Giulia plummeted into the abyss of mental illness after a psychotic break, the map of their life rerouted and nothing would ever be the same. In his recently released memoir, My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward, Mark Lukach, a teacher and freelance writer, depicts the side of mental illness often overlooked from the partners, the family, and the bystanders — a journey to healing in all of its guts and glory. This inspiring memoir is a brave account of what really happens when a family is ravaged by mental illness. Candid and gut wrenching at times, there is no glossing over what it really took to find their way back to each other.

I’m Kristen Noel, Editor-In-Chief of Best Self Magazine, and I’m honored to sit down today with Mark Lukach to delve further into this amazing story. It is a book I couldn’t put down. While I was rooting for their love story, I didn’t know how it would end. It made me question myself, it made me think about our capacity to love one another, and it made me revere the power of love because at the end of the day, we all want love to win. Welcome, Mark.

Mark:  Kristen, that was the most beautiful introduction, thank you. What a way to get things started. It’s great to be talking to you.

Kristen:           I want to commend both you and Giulia for sharing this story. Why share this  very personal and at times, excruciatingly painful journey?

Mark:  I think the answer to that is two-fold. The first answer is actually personal. I’m not a trained writer; I’m a high school history teacher and I never really envisioned writing a book. But after Giulia had been hospitalized a few times we had a really hard time reconnecting as a couple because our experiences of her psychosis and then depression were different. And if we tried to talk about it, it got tense and brought up a lot of tough feelings and resentment and difficult memories — even though we went to couple’s therapy and everything.

On a whim, I tried writing about it for Giulia like it was an audience of one. I thought if I can sit here and sort through my thoughts in a way where I’m not just blurting them out or not wrapped up with emotion, but rather I’m trying to take the time to groom and make them accessible for her — maybe she’ll be able to hear them and we can process and move forward together. That began the journey of writing about this so that Giulia and I could simply reconnect as a couple. And I have to say, on that front, it felt like this book has been a really big success. There’s no question that the writing and Giulia reading and us talking about it subsequently helped us to process as a couple what it all means for us.

And then for the public answer — when Giulia was hospitalized, I remember sitting in the waiting room and being on my phone and trying to Google my way to understanding what was happening. I was trying to comprehend some of the terms the doctors were using, but I found pretty much nothing that helped me understand what I was about to go through. What was the journey going to look like for me? What were some of the choices that I was going to have to face?

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more alone than I did that day in the waiting room with Giulia locked away on one side and this gigantic unknown, and no one that I could find on the internet or anywhere that had gone through something similar. Thus the motivation for writing was that Giulia and I together could be a voice, and hopefully other families could find our book and feel less alone as they go through their own journeys.

Kristen:           That’s a beautiful reason. It’s really hard to believe that in this day and age, you would have such a hard time finding other stories.

Mark:  I know. I was shocked by it, too. Now granted, this was 2009. IPhones are only a few years old. Social media is still just catching on, but I’m a reader and a historian so I go looking for answers. I was looking for the book that could tell me what was going to happen to me. I found a lot of books about what Giulia was going through — and I read every single one of them — but I just couldn’t believe that no one was telling this story.

Subsequently, I’ve come across a few more communities and a great support group for families called the National Alliance on Mental Illness, also known as NAMI. But the logistics of actually getting to that support group turned out to be difficult for me and so I never really was able to take advantage of that.

I wrote an article back in 2015 in Pacific Standard magazine and it became the template and the basis of the book. It’s what got me a book deal in the first place. That article talked about the caregiving side of mental illness and the struggle and difficult choices I had to make, and some of the internal struggle around guilt and responsibility. That article blew up on the Internet. I think that really demonstrated to me just how many people out there are desperate to have their experience validated and feel like there’s someone else out there who’s gone through it.

I’ve had a lot of really amazing interactions with the readers and it brings me to tears when I hear from people who say, “Thank you. I’m in something similar and it’s just so nice to know that I’m not alone.”

Kristen:           This is the human story. This is the story of all that unfolds around it. It’s complicated and it’s messy and it’s painful and it’s glorious and it’s beautiful and it’s all those things. That’s not what you’re going to find on Google.

Mark:  I agree with you. The book, too, is obviously about mental illness, but I think it’s also about how every relationship is tested at some point by crisis — so how do you try to work together to get through that crisis. You’re right. You’re not going to find that answer on Wikipedia or the web.

Kristen:           Let’s go back to 2009 and paint us a picture of this love story and what happened.

Mark:  It was like a charmed fairy tale romance. As you said, we met super young. We moved out to California and felt like we were living our dreams. We were so happy and made a nice friend group. Giulia was thriving in her career. She’s always been really ambitious and successful and so it was no surprise that she was doing well in work. I was teaching high school and loving that. I remember my dad came out and visited us in the fall and we were on a walk. He put his arm around me and said, “You done good,” like, “You found a pretty good life for yourself,” and I couldn’t have agreed more.

Then when we were 27, Giulia transitioned to a new job at a new company and almost immediately, things took on a different tone. This confident, successful woman that I had known for nine years was all of a sudden really uncertain at work. She didn’t know what to do. She was getting emails and not sure how to respond to them so she’d send the draft that she was working on to me. And these were like one or two-sentence replies that Giulia was apparently working on for hours. I was wondering, “What’s going on here? You’re so good at your job. You’ve always been so good, even back when I knew you in college.” She had an almost perfect GPA and great internships over the summer, so I just couldn’t understand what was happening. To be honest, I was impatient and frustrated. “Don’t you see how great things are? What are you so worried about? Why are you so preoccupied and concerned about not doing well? You’ve always done well.”

Giulia lost her appetite and would just pick at her food rather than eat it, so of course she lost a lot of weight. She began to have trouble sleeping because she was so preoccupied with what she wasn’t doing in work and what was happening; she just couldn’t let those thoughts go at the end of the day. It would take hours to fall asleep and then, unfortunately, that transitioned to not sleeping at all.

All those combinations led to her starting to experience delusions where she was basically hearing things that weren’t real and believing things that weren’t real. And then the delusions became really dark. To give you a sense of the timeline, she started her job in mid-July and I took her to the ER over Labor Day weekend. This is only about six weeks for her to go from no previous signs of mental illness, no mental illness in her family history, and then six weeks later, I’m sitting there in the emergency room with the doctor saying, “Your wife’s having a psychotic break and we need to take her to the psych ward for inpatient treatment.”

There’s that Talking Head song lyric, “And you may ask yourself — well… How did I get here? “ I think I had that deer in the headlights look. How was it that it was all so good and suddenly 6 weeks later, I simply couldn’t understand what was happening?

Kristen:           Describe the decision to take Guilia to the emergency room, because that also opened up a whole other can of worms.

Mark:  Her father had flown in. Giulia’s from Europe and so her dad had come out because we thought this was connected to work and Giulia and her dad really connected on work. I woke up one morning and Giulia was pacing around the house and she said, “The devil’s here and he says I’m never going to get better. There’s no point in trying, so we should just give up.” I woke up my father-in-law and said, “Look, Giulia had seen a therapist once or twice, but we are in over our heads. We don’t know what to do. We can’t help. We need to take her to the doctor.” He totally agreed.

We basically ended up having to corner her. We told her we needed to go to the hospital, but she wouldn’t have any part of it. She was physically resisting and calling out and literally grabbing onto doorknobs and doorways to try to stop us. My father-in-law and I were literally carrying her to the car when I realized that he was crying, and I was crying uncontrollably.

We took her down into our garage and got in the car and drove her to the hospital and on the way there, as we were driving through Golden Gate Park, Giulia tried to open the door and jump out of the car. She opened the door and was taking off her seatbelt so I pulled over and slammed the door. We then got her into the back of the car to sit with my father-in-law. It’s the stuff out of nightmares to have to do that to someone you love and care for and suddenly don’t recognize anymore.

Kristen:           And once you bring someone to the hospital, don’t they commit them to stay for a certain period of time?

Mark:  Yes, and they tell you, “Okay, so this is an involuntary hold. It’s a minimum 72-hour hold and we’re going to basically observe and see what’s going on and offer her medication.” But Giulia was legally allowed to refuse the medication. This is the way it is in California; I don’t know how it is in other states. After the 72 hours, the doctor who had been observing Giulia made a recommendation to a judge about whether they can now legally require that she be there for longer and also if she can be forced to take medication — even if she doesn’t want to take it by choice — which is the equivalent of people pinning her down and giving her injections.

When I took Giulia to the ER, I knew she needed help, but I didn’t know what that help was going to look like. When we actually got to the psych ward, it looked right out of the movies with bars on the windows and fluorescent lighting and not a lot of fresh natural light or fresh air or anything. I remember thinking, “She’s not supposed to be here. This is a terrible place. What did I just sign us up for?”

Kristen:           And how is she going to get better here?

Mark:  Yes. So I panicked when we got there, but she was already in. We had crossed the point of no return.

One of the points of this book is to demystify the psych ward. The authentic experience of our first hospitalization was horrifying, really jarring and unsettling. But with prolonged exposure — which unfortunately we’ve had since she’s been in different hospitals three times — each time it becomes less scary. We are more accepting of it and I’m less terrified and less distrusting.

I’ve grown to put the psych ward in its proper place. It’s not like the horror film-setting so often depicted in movies. It’s a place where people actually do get better, so it’s important to at least acknowledge that.

Kristen:           At that point in 2009, Giulia was ultimately given a diagnosis, which was schizophrenia. You wrote in your book, “With one word, I had lost my wife and gained a lifelong patient.” You also said, “I was learning that psychiatry and the prescribing of medications is more art and guessing game than science because in fact, Giulia wasn’t schizophrenic.”

Mark:  Exactly. What I learned about psychiatry is that a diagnosis is like, “If you’ve got 7 of these 10 symptoms, then you might have this.” But there’s also another diagnosis that has many of those same symptoms on its list. What if you have 7 of one list but 6 of another? What does that mean?

It’s basically a lot of experimentation. I didn’t know that about this field of medicine when I was first introduced to it. If you break your arm, you know exactly what to do and you know how long it’s going to take to heal and you just move on. The irony of these medications is that the symptoms that they’re trying to address can actually get significantly worse if it’s the wrong pill. That’s why they keep them in the hospital, because they need to be able to immediately observe the impacts of these pills.

When Giulia was out of the hospital, she entered an outpatient program three days a week.

Kristen:           Which I assume helps patients assimilate back into their lives.

Mark:  That was critical to have some time rather than just jumping right from being in the hospital to trying to resume a full-time working mode. Their outpatient program was intended as a stepping stone back to normal life.

Kristen:           Also, you said that it afforded you some time to get back to your life as well and to take care of yourself. Here you were, running around frenetically, trying to manage all of this, and you have either your running shoes or your surf equipment in the back of the car so that you could drop her off and then run to the beach and try to squeeze in some self-care.

Mark:  I’ve been a very happy-go-lucky guy for my life. Until Giulia got sick, I didn’t realize how much work it takes to be happy and how much you have to make deliberate choices and schedule times to nurture yourself, because it’s just in my DNA and it had just previously come easily. But when Giulia was not doing well, those three hours that she was in that outpatient program were literally my only 9 hours in the entire week when I wasn’t the primary person responsible for Giulia, who at that point was actively suicidal.

Basically, she had been in the hospital, psychotic for 23 days. They pumped her with a lot of antipsychotic drugs. With psychosis, your thinking is going so fast; the primary purpose of the antipsychotics is to slow down your thinking, to mute the psychosis. They were effective in that regard. The psychosis faded, which is great. But on those meds, Giulia was really slow, physically and mentally. It was hard to engage in conversations. She was also in the wake of the trauma of being hospitalized.

Giulia was deeply suicidal and hopelessly depressed. It was an effort to get her out of bed in the morning. I basically felt like I had to plan our days so that she wouldn’t just sit around and think about killing herself.

Kristen:           Tell us about hiding the medicine.

Mark:  She hated the medicine prescribed, because she was gaining weight on it and it made her slow, but she also saw the medication as a way to overdose and commit suicide. I basically hid her pills throughout the house and would change up the hiding place every two days. Each night, when it was medicine time, I’d lead Giulia into our bedroom, sit her on the bed, close the door and pretend to search through the house so that she couldn’t get auditory clues of what room I was in. I’d look through every closet and look through every drawer and eventually, of course, find the pills because I knew where they were, and then take out the dose and then come back in the room and watch her as she took them, opening her mouth to make sure she took them.

You can imagine how after she got better, it was really hard for us to reconnect.

Kristen:           This became a 24-hour job for you, so you had to take a leave from work.

Mark:  I was off work for almost an entire semester and I never let her out of my sight. On Day 2, I literally stepped into the bathroom and in those 2 minutes, Giulia had left the house. She had opened the front door and was just walking away with no sense of where she was going. So I was full-on in caregiving mode.

Again, to get back to where we all started with this, three hours a day on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I dropped her off in an outpatient program and that was my narrow window of time to take care of myself.

Kristen:           Well, thank God you had the presence of mind to do that because someone else might just crawl up on the sofa and start eating bonbons.

Mark:  The medications she took knocked her out early and deeply, so she’d be asleep by 7 or 8pm. I began running at night on the beach at 10 or 11pm. After I was certain she was down and not going to wake back up, I’d go out on these runs by myself in the dark as my way to give myself a breather.

I’m a physical person. I process my world through my physicality, so to be moving through life at this slower pace with Giulia was really hard. I needed to have those moments of release where I could just go and get it all out, whether it was in the water, surfing, or running on the beach or whatever it was.

Kristen:           My grandmother used to tell me that God never gives you more than you can handle and I certainly have questioned that notion many times. How do you feel about that? Where was God in all of this for you? Did you pray or meditate or scream? What was your spiritual grounding and foundation that got you through this and did it morph?

Mark:  That’s a great question. Giulia and I were both raised Catholic. Of the two of us, I historically have been more connected to spirituality than she has. In fact, there was a time in high school where I considered the priesthood. But I recognized that my truest vocation was actually to have a family and to be a dad. I didn’t spend too much time dwelling on that, but definitely, religion has always been big for me.

But the problem was that Giulia’s delusions were religious. They were all about purgatory and heaven and hell, and that left a bitter after taste for me around religion. I would say that during this time, my spirituality really morphed to more like a polytheistic animist kind of thing where I would feel the presence of a higher being in a lot of different places — in the ocean, in particular.

I share this moment in the book where I literally had two dolphins swim underneath me while I was sitting in the water contemplating if I had the strength to carry through with this. Here come these two dolphins that I interpreted as Giulia and me on our journey together. I thought, “All right, there’s my sign. As long as we can do this together, we can make it.”

To be honest with you, I got groovy around spirituality during this time because I definitely needed something to feel connected to.

Kristen:           I was amazed at how much family support you had given that Giulia’s parents were in Italy at the time. Both of your families just hopped on planes. They were so supportive that you had to eventually start scheduling them — you can come for this week, you can come for that week. But thank God, you had this beautiful family support around you.

Mark:  It was really fortunate to have family who were so willing and also had the resources to be able to help. My mom could just drop everything and come and live with us and my mother-in-law could do the same. But that abundance of family help did come with some anxiety for me.

It’s just how I’m wired, but I felt responsible for managing their experience of Giulia, so at times it actually felt like work. Even though my mother-in-law was cooking and cleaning and doing all the grocery shopping, I also felt like I wanted to try and see how she was doing emotionally and manage her experience of it a little bit and then the same for my mom. But it felt like there were too many cooks in the kitchen at times and I actually just needed to say no to the offers of help.

That’s actually a part of the story that I’m still learning more about. A major thing that happened through this illness is that my worldview, which had been so big, became so narrow. It was so focused on one person for so long; now it is interesting to hear stories from our families about what it was like for them. These are stories that they’ve been sitting on for years because I hadn’t really asked them that much at the time. I just made assumptions on their behalf around how they might be feeling it and made decisions based on those assumptions, without actually letting them have the fullness of their experience. I’ve been learning more about the full picture.

Kristen:           Giulia went on to have two additional psychotic episodes, so you were really living in this crisis management mode. All else had to be put on hold, and that included your own feelings and your own resentments.

You wrote, “I ran through all the amazing things that my friends had done over the last year. Our siblings all took big steps forward in their careers. It seemed that the last 11 months had been good to everyone but us.”

Mark:  Absolutely. I had to sit there and grin through it and pretend I wasn’t frustrated and feeling stuck, because the last thing I wanted to do was be a burden on Giulia. This illness she was encountering was already such a burden that I didn’t feel like I could further weigh her down with my experience. That was tough. In that year, 4 or 5 friends started companies. It seemed like they were all thriving and here I am thinking, “God, what happened? We’re just stuck. We are stuck in quicksand.”

When Giulia got better, what should’ve been a time for celebration actually became a time where I felt like I could finally let my guard down and let my real feelings come out. That was at the heart of why it was so hard for Giulia and me to relate because she was wondering, “Why are you so cranky? I’m better. Isn’t that awesome? This has been such a hard year,” and I’m like, “Yeah, it is awesome that you’re better, but it was such a hard year and I had to pretend that it wasn’t, and now I can’t pretend anymore.”

I think I was seeking validation. I was seeking acknowledgement. This feels like a selfish thing to say, but I was trying to give as much as I could and I needed to know that Giulia saw it. The way she came out of her illness, I just didn’t think she actually appreciated the real scope of what the caregiving was like for me.

Kristen:           Let’s not forget that at one time, you were getting those needs met, so when you lost Giulia to this, you lost that as well.

Mark:  Exactly.

Kristen:           Luckily, you said you had a great therapist who finally gave you validation by declaring, “Mark, you’ve been through a tsunami. Of course, you feel like shit.”

Let’s talk about how you two found each other. When you made your way to couple’s therapy, you were looking for your ‘Thank you’ and instead, Giulia’s rage was coming out. She called you the ‘medicine Nazi’.

Mark:  All of this caregiving was very well intentioned, but I had taken some missteps. Giulia felt micromanaged and suffocated at times. I’m like, “What? That’s not the thank you I was hoping for.” It felt so tragic because we had gotten through this prolonged crisis and now here we are and the marriage feels the most fragile and the most uncertain. Rationally, I couldn’t make sense of it. Looking back, it makes a lot of sense, but at the time, I was thinking, “How are we not at the best point ever?”

Kristen:           You had to catch up on feeling your feelings.

Mark:  As I said earlier, the amazing medium to bridge that gap turned out to be my writing. It was incredibly helpful for me to sort out my feelings and then for Giulia to be able to read about it. She definitely had a very limited sense of my experience before I wrote about it. I also acknowledge that I had a limited sense of what it was like for her. We were both so consumed with our own experience of things.

So that was huge; equally huge for us was going on a trip around the world. We needed to just get out of our scene and get out of our physical space to try to find our new rhythms, so we took a four-month trip around the world. We volunteered in Indonesia for a while and in Kenya, which was similar to when we were newly married and had just moved out to California. We had to depend on each other and not assume the roles of caregiver and sick person.

That was actually a great healing process for us. Our final day was in Dublin, Ireland. We walked out to this lighthouse that I had found on the map. It was this beautiful, foggy, cold day. It felt beautiful to us because that’s what our neighborhood in San Francisco was like. It just felt like home. On the walk back, Giulia started playing around with her phone and I was fuming thinking, “How is she ruining this moment?” It turns out that she was writing me a letter. It was what I needed to hear: Thank you for staying with me and helping me and even keeping me alive. It was the most beautiful and perfect end to that trip that you could ask for.

Kristen:           I was not going to let you gloss over that because that is the most beautiful blog post I have ever read. That truly was the moment of your homecoming.

You said in the book that this was never meant to be just a fun trip to get away and explore the world. This was a healing journey for the two of you.

Mark:  I have to give Giulia the credit for writing that amazing letter. And it was a healing journey because when we returned to the US, we got back on path with life. Giulia got back into work. In fact, towards the end of the trip, she was applying for jobs. She already had interviews lined up by the time we returned.

Kristen:           Because that’s what Giulia does.

Mark:  Exactly. She’s an amazing career woman and best of all, what we were able to do is re-approach the prospect of becoming parents. Giulia had gone off birth control in July of 2009 and started that job two weeks later and then was in the hospital six weeks after that. We worried initially that maybe the door to parenthood had been closed. But after this trip and getting home, we talked to our doctors and said, “Hey, we really want to be parents. Is it a good idea to go for it?” They were totally onboard. At this point, her diagnosis was major depression with psychotic features, so the hope was it was a ‘one and done’ kind of deal. The truest homecoming was thinking we were getting to go and embark on this new journey together of having a child.

To fast forward, pregnancy for Giulia was awesome! Some of the happiest times I’ve ever seen her. We were smitten and totally in love immediately with Jonas, our son. The plan was that I was going to be the stay-at-home dad, and Giulia was going to get back to work after an extended maternity leave. When he was 5-months-old, she went back to work and 3 weeks later, she had a 2nd relapse — or a 2nd psychotic episode — and was back in the hospital.

Kristen:           You said, “When I was with Jonas, I was worried about Giulia. When I was in the hospital, I worried about Jonas. I didn’t know who I was anymore, a husband or a father. The two roles pulled me in separate directions and I didn’t know how to go in both places without being torn in half.”

Mark:  I still get emotional about this part of it because, as I said earlier, I really think that my biggest calling in life is to be a father. It’s just the most instinctive, natural thing I do and I was so excited for it and wanted to be so immersed in it. I know for a 5-month-old, you want to be upbeat and cheery and use your baby voice and all this fun stuff — and then on the other hand, my spouse was back in the psych ward, psychotic and needing to be convinced to get back on her medication. And then afterwards, of course, she was once again deeply depressed.

The two roles demanded such different things of me. How can I do both when those two people I love are literally in the same room? I defaulted to Jonas’s energy.

I think it was during the second episode, and certainly during the third episode, that I stepped back from Giulia’s recovery. Like you said earlier, God only gives you what you can handle. I had to realize that I couldn’t be the captain of the ship of Giulia’s recovery like I had tried to be the first time. Instead, I needed to be a father first and foremost.

The interesting thing is that I did that out of necessity, but I actually think that was a good thing in the long run because Giulia felt less micromanaged and less suffocated.

Kristen:           You describe having to make peace with the reality that there could be relapses. You said, “I had already grieved a life’s worth of mourning for her. I wanted her to just survive her bipolar, but I knew that something some day was going to take her away, but that didn’t unhinge me anymore.”

Mark:  To be honest, I do feel like I learned to accept the finality of life through Giulia’s constant obsession with wanting to kill herself.

That’s actually one of the notes the book ends on — that it’s been two and a half years since Giulia’s latest episode and things feel like they’re going amazing. But we can’t have that naiveté that this is no longer a part of our lives. There’s still the possibility that Giulia can have another relapse, so we need to develop the tools to prioritize her health and ensure that we do the best we can to keep a relapse at bay.

Despite what we do, it still might happen. It still might be something we have to confront, so we have to figure out how can we go about that without being so scared and having our lives be so permanently disrupted by it.

Kristen:           For the family and the partners and the bystanders of someone that’s suffering with mental illness, it’s really important to put the tools in place to take care of yourself because if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anybody else.

Mark:  I felt guilty at the beginning, but now I realize I don’t feel guilty about it anymore. I know how crucial it is and how without it, I really can’t be the best father or husband or teacher or writer if I’m not making sure that I get that time in each day to just be alone and process in the way that I need to process.

Kristen:           That’s the whole societal conversation that has to be rescripted, because we’ve got that all backwards.

Mark:  I agree with you, Kristen. There is a ton of pressure on parents to literally sacrifice themselves at the altar of martyrdom on behalf of their children. I think that’s so wrong because we have a bunch of burned out, anxiety-plagued parents who are so worried about everything. And you know what? If you just give yourself an hour and let someone else watch your kid, you’re going to be a better parent as a result, not a worse parent.

Kristen:           If you could reach back to yourself, that 2009 version of you who had no idea what lay ahead of him and probably would never have been able to handle someone saying there are going to be multiple episodes ahead of you, what advice would you give him?

Mark:  That’s a tough question. Before I answer it, I have to say Giulia and I have both definitively concluded that while we would not wish our experience on anyone, we also would not take it away from ourselves because we learned so much and grew so much as individuals and as a couple through this process.

I think what I would tell myself in retrospect is that I’d try to give myself permission to take care of myself sooner. That was a lesson that took a little bit of time to get to. I think I would have probably resented things less and been less burned out by the time Giulia eventually did get better if I was able to prioritize self-care earlier. That was 7 years ago, so it obviously took me a while to figure some of these lessons out.

I’d also say that love is the greatest force that there is. I would remind myself, “Hey, if you love someone and they love you, you guys can make it through whatever might lie ahead. Don’t lose sight of that foundation — everything’s going to be manageable together.” I think that’s something that I believed in the abstract, but if I could have heard it definitively, then that would have really taken away some of that uncertainty.

Kristen:           How old is Jonas now and how aware of Giulia’s condition is he?

Mark:  He’s five, so it’s been two and a half years since her hospitalizations. He was two and half at the last one. I’m almost certain he doesn’t remember anything from when he was five months old. I’m not so certain about the second one. We haven’t really asked that much because I don’t necessarily want to implant memories for him. I think it’s fortunate if he doesn’t remember too much of it.

That being said, we’re really open about Giulia and that she can get sick. He knows that I wrote this book. He knows it’s about our family and about how mommy can get sick sometimes and needs to take care of herself, and that we love each other and that’s what the book is really about. We plan absolutely as he grows to let him know more. But since his current understanding is that he doesn’t really remember or hasn’t had to confront this in his consciousness, we’re not going to say, “Yup, mom’s got bipolar and she gets these hallucinations and it’s pretty scary.” If we do have a fourth episode — which we’re hoping doesn’t happen — he’ll already know that mom gets sick. It’ll just be about trying to help him process what that sickness looks like.

That’s something that I think about a lot, and I hope we’ll never have to cross that bridge. I hope he’ll never actually have to see his mom have another psychotic break, but if he does, depending on how old he is, I’m certainly going to want to protect his sense of security and comfort. I would remind you of just how scary it was the first time for me. I’m not scared of it anymore, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be really scary for a little kid to see it happen to his mom.

Kristen:           Do you have a sense that you’re waiting for the shoe to drop?

Mark:  Currently, no, because it’s June. When we get to September, October, November, those months tend to be a little more anxiety-producing for us, because all three of her hospitalizations have happened during these months.

Kristen:           What is the correlation between the months and the time of the year and Giulia’s breakdowns?

Mark:  Giulia works in online marketing in the fashion and retail world, so those are the months when they’re planning for the big holiday extravaganzas. Maybe that’s connected, but we’re not sure. All I know is that there’s no question about it that during those times of the year, we tend to be a little more nervous. We don’t really want to talk about it because that can make the nerves bigger and more real. We want to just give it some space.

This fall will be 3 years since her last episode. The pattern has been Fall 2009, Fall 2012 — so that’s 3 years later. Then Fall 2014 — so that’s 2 years later. Last fall we were definitely nervous because it was 2 years, and we were wondering if that is her pattern. If we get through this fall, which we’re super hopeful about, then I think we might put our guard down a little more than it already is because we’ll feel like we’ve broken the pattern.

But again, we can’t take it for granted. This could come in May, for all we know, 15 years from now. So now in the fall we are a little bit gentler with each other because we know we’ve both got this in the back of our mind, but don’t want to talk about it because if we do talk about it, we get each other worked up.

Kristen:           So maybe you just ramp up the self-care with a double dose of love during the fall.

Mark:  Giulia is more pro-active; she usually takes more of her lithium during that time of year. She increases her dosage and then tapers back off once we get through the holidays. We are both more in tune to taking care of ourselves and realize that having more self-awareness is super important.

Kristen:           There’s a lot of controversy these days about pharmacology and the use of antidepressants and antipsychotics, and how big pharma turns patients into lifetime customers, and how the medical practice often uses a ‘one size fits all’ approach. I would feel remiss if I didn’t ask you if you’ve ever considered alternatives to Giulia’s treatments?

Mark:  That’s a great question. At first, I was 100% taking the marching orders from the doctors, no questions asked. I’d do my research, but then give the medicine as prescribed. Since then, my feelings about the medications have evolved. Now I think that the anti-psychotics are important for her when she’s psychotic, but I think when she’s out of the psychosis, the muting effect that they have on her can actually make her feel more depressed. In fact, I feel like sometimes what looks like depression might actually just be the side effect of anti-psychotics.

What I’ve really grown to appreciate is that I can’t speak for everybody. I can only say that each person has to find their own relationship to these types of medications. For Giulia, she’s found a pill that works for her and it helps her stay stable. That means she can be thriving in her career the way she is, she can be a present mom and a present wife, and all those really wonderful things. But it’s not just about medication. She needs to also put that in the context of therapy and self-care. I’ll make sure she gets to bed, stays active, and eats healthily. For her, it’s really that the medicine is a piece of the puzzle, but it’s certainly not the only puzzle.

I think there are many people who have found pathways where the medicine is not part of the puzzle. Just the fact that she’s had these relapses makes us more accepting that she’s probably going to take these pills for the rest of her life. Even though we both would prefer in an ideal world that she not, but the bummer of taking pills is much more manageable than the huge concerns around relapses and having another psychotic episode.

I get tons of emails from readers who recommend alternative methods. I always research them and look into them, but because we feel we found the path that is working for us right now, I’m not that keen to go experimenting — because if it doesn’t go well, it could bring on another episode and we certainly want to avoid that if we can.

Kristen:           Well Mark, thank you for sharing your story with Best Self Magazine. Despite it all and because of it all, yours is truly a love story, a journey of traveling to the depths of fear and darkness, yet holding steadfastly.

One thing it really made me think about was that in a world of quick fixes, where things are often disposable and marriages regularly disintegrate, the story of your journey and holding on to each other, is really a testament to what is possible when we don’t give up, when we don’t let go of our love and of our best selves. We are certainly rooting for your love story.

Mark:  Oh Kristen, thank you so much. I cannot tell you how much this means to hear these beautiful and validating words. Thank you for wanting to share our story with your readers and your interest in the book.

Kristen:           My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward is a fabulous book about a beautiful human love story. It’s my belief that we hear most through the sharing of authentic story and that is what you have done. I thank you, but I also thank Giulia for giving her permission to open this journey of her life and her healing. I really wish you all the best.

You may also enjoy reading Finding My Way to We | How To Retain Your Identity In a Relationship, by Nancy Levin

The post My Lovely Wife In the Psych Ward: A Love Story appeared first on BEST SELF.

Artist Riley Johndonnell is creating art with a cause — bridging the gap between ‘me’ and ‘we’ — shining an optimistic light on the world, one brush stroke at a time

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Conceptual artist, art-preneur, social activist and uber-optimist G. Riley Johndonnell, also know as Uncle Riley, believes that creativity, collaboration and color, sprinkled with optimism can transform the world.

And as a matter of fact, optimism IS a color — one Johndonnell created in collaboration with Pantone Color Institute (‘INT-O Yellow’, Pantone 108c, to be exact). Seriously, how cool is that?! It’s a color with a cause: To share Optimism with others while raising awareness of depression and shining a light on suicide prevention among artists. And who couldn’t use a gallon of that to-go?

This is an optimist on a mission. Johndonnell has created numerous collaborative efforts, engaging both artists and community, and something tells me, he won’t stop until he has painted the town — make that world — yellow. Paint on creative one, paint on!

I create public and personal works which seek to convert blight to light, generate positive energy and to create opportunities and tools for transformative collaborations. Optimism is not about avoiding reality, it is about (y)our perception of it. We are witnessing Optimism as an emerging ‘Ism’ — a movement of people who want to create a brighter Now and a brighter Tomorrow. People who want to do more than just hope, rather they are collectively inventing a New Paradigm by turning ‘Optimism into Action.’ It’s about evolving from ‘ME’ to ‘WE.’ This is a dialogue of Belief and Doubt, Light and Dark, Present and Future.

G. Riley Johndonnell

View the Gallery: Tap any image to enlarge

Learn more at UMEWE.org

You may also enjoy reading Francisco de Pajaro | Art Is Trash by Peter Occhiogrosso

The post Cause. Collaboration. Color. | Riley Johndonnell Spreads Optimism Through Color appeared first on BEST SELF.

Regena Thomashauer (aka Mama Gena)

Reclaiming Radiance

April 3, 2017, New York, NY

Photographs by Bill Miles

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My mission is to awaken women, to turn women on, to have women truly live rather than play small. I must model that.

Regena Thomashauer, ‘Mama Gena’

Kristen:           Regena Thomashauer, who shall forever forward be known as ‘Mama Gena’, is a revolution, a teacher, author, mother, and founder and CEO of the School of Womanly Arts, which began in her living room in 1998, and has since grown into a global movement, and a multi-million dollar business. She believes that women are the greatest untapped resource on the planet — and teaches them how to turn on their innate feminine power, to step it up, and to create a life they love.

She has appeared everywhere across mainstream media as an expert in modern feminism from NBC’s Today Show and 20/20 to the New York Times, and across pages of glossy magazines. She is the author of four books — most recently, the New York Times bestseller, Pussy: A Reclamation. Thank you, Regena, for inviting us into your home and into this journey of your work, the story that’s led to here, and to this movement.

Regena:           I’m thrilled to be here with you on this couch and to have a chance to impact your incredible audience and weave together with the magic you create — to see what kind of doors we can blow open for men and women with our collaboration.

Kristen:           Let’s do it, sister! Clearly, we have to start with the title of your book, Pussy: A Reclamation. As you say in the book, “It may be the most pejorative word in the English language. It’s the ultimate salacious smack to a woman’s dignity, used to hurt, humiliate, and fracture her humanity. Pussy is the lowest of the lows, for men as well. Essentially, it’s the last thing any of us want to be called.”

So, what possessed you to call your new book, Pussy?

Regena:           I suppose, ultimately, the quick answer is to be badass, a provocateur.

Like any expletive used effectively, it serves as a smack upside the head of a culture that disparages, dehumanizes, and ignores — that does not value — the feminine. It’s time for women to wake up and step into our magnificence because no one is going to give us permission. A woman has to awaken in order for the world to then follow. Especially now in this culture, the voice of the feminine is so longed for, and so required, and so needed to bring the culture forward. I’m proud of standing in a radical spot of awakening. My intention was to invite people to be both pissed off with me and scared. Ultimately, excited and inspired, and to break through a new form of feminism, which is about embracing the whole woman.

Kristen:           First of all, I want to make sure that people understand that when they think of the word, ‘pussy’ that this is not intended to be pornographic and not about being anti-male. Right?

Regena:           Yes. Let’s look at the culture. I have taught classes for thousands and thousands of women over the last 2 decades. When I ask a room full of women, “What did your bits and pieces get called when you were growing up?” There is a fascinating array of answers. From 1/3 of the group we get things like kitty, cuckoo, purse, little princess, knish, coochie. Another 1/3 will say vagina, which is actually anatomically incorrect.

And at least 1/3 of the women will say nothing. There was no name for that which is most essentially feminine. Now, if I have a room full of a thousand men and ask, “What did your bits and pieces get called?” They say, “Penis. What’s your problem?”

Kristen:           Right. Like, hello?

Regena:           We, as women, never have had an opportunity to locate and own the name and address that which connects us to our bodies and to our divinity. The true anatomical term for the exterior genitalia is vulva. That’s what I taught my little girl when she was growing up.

Kristen:           Then there is the shame as well.

Regena:           Completely. That’s the key. When there is hedging or a feeling of embarrassment there is no name to identify the heartbeat of your feminine reality. You feel ashamed to be a woman. And when you feel ashamed you’re disconnected not just from your femininity, but you’re ashamed to be a girl in a classroom. You’re ashamed to raise your hand and risk an answer. You’re ashamed to ask for what it is you want and need. That shame perfumes every aspect of a woman’s life. Thus we have an epidemic of self-doubt, self-hatred, and self-deprecation.

1 in 4 women are going to experience depression in her life. Only 1 in 5 will seek treatment. There are eating disorders that women have. 2 in 10 will have breast cancer. 1 in 10 women are going to experience heart disease. There are all kinds of shame-based, cortisol-based, physical problems that happen when a woman lives her life in shame, because she hasn’t begun to value who she is on this planet.

Kristen:           I listened to you in an interview prior to the release of the book. You were commenting on being worried about what you were even going to tell your mother and teenage daughter about naming this book Pussy. How did that go down with them?

Regena:           I really didn’t want to call it Pussy. It’s scary to write a book — you’re putting your life on the page. My daughter was going to college when the book was coming out. I thought, Oh. That’s all she needs is to have everyone on campus saying, “Your mom wrote the Pussy book.” Same concern for my mama. I had to really reconcile my love for these women who are so close to me with my purpose — what I am here for:

My mission is to awaken women, to turn women on, to have women truly live rather than play small. I thought, “Well, I must model that.”

Kristen:           [holding up the book] So you can see that my copy is weathered and worn because I have toted it around with me as I read it. It’s a magnificent book — but I’ll be honest with you, I was a little uncomfortable carrying it around in public.

Regena:           I’m glad.

Kristen:           I was interested in observing my own reaction to that. I traveled with it and had it on planes, trains, in restaurants, and on treadmills.

Regena:           With the cover?

Kristen:           Yes.

Regena:           I intentionally made it a little more mysterious underneath the actual book cover — it’s more innocuous, all white, but I made sure that the title, Pussy was in gold.

Kristen:           Well, I purposely left that cover on so that I could check in with why I was sensitive about it.

Regena:           Yes!

Kristen:           I left it on the table while I was sitting in restaurants or held it high while on the treadmill at the gym. I definitely got some raised eyebrows and curious stares.

Regena:           That’s good.

Kristen:           You were banned on Facebook and despite that went straight to #1 on the New York Times bestselling list upon release. I want to know, one, how you ever talked a publisher into naming a book Pussy and two, how you timed it with a certain video that was simultaneously going viral featuring Donald Trump? [smiling]

Regena:           When I say “pussy”, I am not talking about pornographic pussy. I’m talking about pussy as a way of walking in possession of yourself. It’s a way of standing in a power that is untouchable because you are so connected to your deepest intuition embodied, feeling a profound sense of who you are that is so vulnerable and yet impenetrable. It’s about being turned on rather than turned off because most of the women in this culture have been taught to turn off our sensual truth and our sensual light.

You are sensitive to your body, to yourself. You are listening to what people would call intuition, but it’s deeper. Pussy is deeper than that because if you think about it, the clitoris and its 8,000 nerve endings integrate more information than any other part of your body. If you’re tuned into your pussy, you’re integrating information from your conscious, your unconscious, your peripheral nervous system, your neocortex, and your hypothalamus.

All of that is working on your behalf, like a proper little brain, sensing and empowering you. Women have this thing where when you’re feeling truly yourself, you can sense things. You think “I haven’t talked to my friend in a while,” and then the phone rings. There is something operating where you are so tuned in — you get to the subway platform, the train comes.

Kristen:          All green lights.

Regena:         Yes. I have been teaching this content for over 20 years. At this point, my pussy is on high volume. I don’t really have a choice. I’ve got to listen. When it became really clear that this was the only title for this book, I knew who I wanted my publisher to be. I only pitched it to two publishing houses. Everyone said yes to me, which so shocked me.

Then when the book came out, it was the next week and Donald Trump was offending women internationally. To be alive with a sexual predator in the White House — we live in extraordinary times that are making extraordinary demands of both men and women. The Washington Post called me for an interview. The most conservative newspaper in this country called me to interview me and ask, “What’s up with the pussy?” They published it.

This is what’s available not just for me — it’s available for every woman who listens to her truth. That’s why I’m so excited about this book because it’s a roadmap for a woman to start connecting to her deepest intuition and then making those relevant actions that will only take everyone in her world higher. When women are living piped into their truth, it is the best ally that a man or woman could have.

When a woman is shut down, she is not listening to her intuition. She is cutting that off. She is compromising.

She is angry at the world. That’s an extremely unpleasant woman to be around. We all have girlfriends like that.

Kristen:           I also think we don’t even realize how we’ve distanced ourselves — and what part of us is turned on and what part of us is not. When I say turned on, I’m referring to those intuitive powers and that connection to the world around us.

In the book you talked about your childhood. You said that the job description for women was nothing you wanted to sign up for. “Delicious wasn’t a word I associated with being a woman. What I saw in my mother’s life and in the lives of the other women in the neighborhood was nothing I wanted for myself. I saw women who were self-sacrificing, who ignored their own needs, who gave up their own happiness.”

Regena:           Well, if you think about it, “Women learn to compromise before they learn to cum,” quoting an incredible woman named Claire Cavanah. We are taught to take care of our husbands, take care of our families, take care of our kids, take care of our bosses, and take care of everyone in the world. Then the crumbs are left for us. Yet we’re supposed to provide magnificence to whomever we encounter.

Women have learned to say yes to this level of compromise. Your boss wants you to work late, “Sure, absolutely. I would love to work. I’ll get in early. I’ll work late. I’ll take on another project.”

Kristen:           …and you can pay me less.

Regena:           White women make $.70 on the dollar, African-American — $.63, and Hispanic women — $.53. We’re already compromising and we haven’t even gotten our paycheck yet. This level of accepting less as enough, it’s never going to work, not for men or for women. When a woman reverses that and begins to pay attention to her body to her feelings and to her intuition — then in a job interview when she is asked to work 14 hours a day in a cubicle with fluorescent lighting — her intuition will have her say, “No. That’s not going to happen for me. I’m going to pursue something further. I’m going to plant my dream in different soil. I’m going to stand for something better.”

It’s really key for a woman to begin to pay attention to her pleasure, above all other values. Why? Because when she can breathe that sweet clean air of taking care of herself, even in small micro ways, she begins to fill out her cells differently and stand for herself in the world, and guarantee her own happiness.

Then she changes not only her trajectory but also the future of the girls of today, the women of tomorrow. She begins when her pleasure is handled. She is a true partner with her man. It changes her mothering because she is not angry all the time. It’s a whole different paradigm, a different portal from which to live. I’m extremely vigilant both about my pleasure, as well as making sure that women understand the importance of theirs.

Kristen:           It’s not just sexual pleasure. Pleasure comes in the form of ritual, buying a beautiful face cream for yourself, languishing in a bath with candles, buying yourself flowers.

Regena:           It’s choosing to value yourself. As women, we have not recognized that we have never been given that choice. We were always in a ‘less than’ position in service to the patriarchal values. It is essential for a woman to begin to realize, I am divine. I am the life giver. In order to live my fullness, in order to live the full-dimensional truth of what it means to be a woman — I must explore every dimension of my magnificence — the way I flirt, the way I dance, the way I stand inside my value. That is a whole world away from where most women live.

Kristen:           You included the Grimm’s Fairytale of ‘The Handless Maiden’ in the book which illustrates the unfortunate truth of how far too often women forget their own power — how a woman won’t step into that power for herself, but she will do it in a heartbeat and can move mountains on behalf of another. This certainly demonstrates that there is nothing like the power of a mother. Do not mess with a mama and her babies!

Regena:           Right. ‘The Handless Maiden’, very quickly for those of you who haven’t experienced that fairytale, is about a young girl whose father, in exchange for financial success, promises to give his daughter to the devil. Then when the devil comes to collect the daughter, he cuts off her hands and gives those to the devil and keeps his handless daughter. She is now powerless in her life because she has no hands, yet goes on to marry the handsome prince and has a baby. It was only when the baby falls in harms way and she goes to rescue the baby from drowning, that her hands restore.

So many women grow up with a sense of powerlessness. It’s not just ‘The Handless Maiden’. I kept my daughter from ever seeing a Disney film. There was no Cinderella in my house. There was no Snow White. There was no Little Mermaid. But it didn’t matter because she saw them at all of her friend’s houses. [laughing] Cinderella has to fit into the glass slipper so that the prince will love her. Snow White is completely unconscious until the prince kisses her. Then he takes her to his castle, to live his dreams. Little Mermaid actually commits suicide because she has traded her voice for her legs so that the prince would love her — but he doesn’t love her. He falls in love with another. She then jumps into the water and becomes sea foam because she is not attractive enough.

We wonder why women are so crazy. We always try to fit in or look differently or give up something to receive love. It’s just a nightmare out there.

Kristen:           What do you want women to reclaim?

Regena:           To understand that we, as women, have a sense of our own divinity that’s connected to this incredible body that gives life. That our feelings, the full range of a woman’s emotions is as breathtaking and beautiful as the range of Mother Nature.

Every aspect of the weather is beautiful and necessary for growth. Every aspect of a woman’s emotional range is imperative for her presenting herself and her evolution as a woman, starting from the most intense rupture that throws her flat on the ground in ecstasy. In fact, the degree to which a woman can rupture is the degree to which she can live her radiant happiness and magnificence. It’s really important for women to connect to their intuition, their intuitive power, to their voice — to connect to saying what is their truth.

Women are so powerful in terms of creating and standing for community. It’s not just individualism that’s important to a woman. The dominating culture right now is patriarchal — one of rugged individualism. Everyone is on their own. Profit is the goal. Me, me, me.

Kristen:           Work, work, work.

Regena:           To bring feminine values into the culture will create a balance that is so wonderful for everybody because there is masculine and feminine inside both men and women. We want to simply bring the world and ourselves into more balance.

Kristen:           In ancient societies, people revered the feminine. They knew the feminine was sacred. I want to know how the patriarchal societies took over and why the hell we went along for that ride. I had never heard of those goddess stories that you share in your book.

Regena:           I know. Isn’t that amazing? I agree. I was so shocked when I started to become aware of this ancient goddess tradition that all of us are from. Riane Eisler wrote some incredible books about this: Sacred Pleasure, The Chalice and The Blade. There is also the work of Maria Gimbudis and that of Joseph Campbell.

There was a time you and I would have bowed before the divine feminine.

Originally, in prehistoric times, we didn’t even know guys were involved in the creation of life. It just seemed that somehow, magnificently, a woman’s body would swell and a baby would appear. What more profound being is there to revere than she who creates life?

The feminine was worshiped. In ancient Egypt around crop planting time, all the Egyptian women would stand on the edge of the field and then pick up their skirts. They would flash their pussies at the earth and then beseech the earth, “May these crops grow as high as our pussies.” That was blessing the earth.

Even 200 years ago, if we were in Russia and being chased by a bear, in order to stop it we would simply flash our pussies at the bear and the bear would run back. If we were seaside in Ireland, in any seagoing town a thousand years ago, and our husbands were going out to catch the fish for the day, we would flash our pussies at the sea to make a calm voyage. If we were angry with our husbands, we would pee in the sea because that would create a storm.

There were some women who were thought to have so much power in the matter of life, creation and protection. There is this prehistoric painting on the side of a cave that shows a hunter capturing prey. If you follow the arrow, it goes directly to a drawing of his woman’s vulva; he knew the power came from her to allow him to be effective in the world and to bring food home. It was a different way of being. Now, women are absolutely ignored and taken out of the equation.

Kristen:           We also have to own our language and the power of the terminology we use. When we say things like, “you’re whipped,” or “you’re a pussy,” or “man up,” or “suit up.”

Regena:           Absolutely — particularly in the corporate world where women are told to ‘man up’ in order to push through.

Trevor Noah has this wonderful clip in his new show on Netflix where he talks about how pussies are actually so strong. They push out babies. They bleed every month. They’re this perfect ecosystem. Whereas a cock, if it just gets in a cold temperature, it shrinks. If somebody gives it the elbow accidentally, it’s in agony. The structure of the feminine is so much more enduring and powerful. The truth is that women have been taught that they have to disconnect from everything feminine.

We shut our sensuality down because we think that it’s not welcomed or we’re criticized or degraded or told that we’re sluts if we feel or behave in a way that’s living into our sensual light. It’s a complicated thing. You actually have to be a badass to live your truth and to recreate a world where the feminine is valued and honored. You have to lead. There is only one way to do it and that is by leading that way.

Kristen:           Nobody was telling me any of these things when I was growing up. Nobody was telling me about intuition. No one was telling me to trust myself. No one was telling me about sex. No one was telling me what to call anything. It was total on-the-job training.

Regena:           Exactly.

Kristen:           We have to create a new conversation for our young girls so that they’re brought up in this culture. Then we have to have a conversation to reroute women who already have subscribed to the preexisting paradigm.

Regena:           That’s right. That’s why the classes at the School of Womanly Arts are all by women, for women, about women. We used to be taught by our aunties, our mamas, our grandmas to value the feminine. Now, that’s not the case. That’s why in my school, it’s women of all ages, from 18 to their 80s or older.

Kristen:           I was really fascinated with your writing about the courtesan. Tell us how the role of the courtesan has been an influence for you and the School of Womanly Arts.

Regena:         I literally started the School of Womanly Arts when my daughter was born. I felt such a sense of responsibility to the girls of today, to the women of tomorrow, to what was I doing as a woman to make sure that the world understood who and what a woman is. I felt so much responsibility and gratitude to my ancestresses for making me possible —understanding for the first time what that meant in a new way. I remember this day when I was holding my baby and trying to figure out nursing. There was a movie, Dangerous Beauty, which happened to be on TV.

It was the story of a woman in Venice in the 14th century. Women in those days were completely powerless — they were a property. They had no ability to own money or own land or be in any way self-determining. If you did not have money, the choice was the convent or to become a courtesan.

There was a scene where a mother was giving her daughter a bath. She said, “If you want to give pleasure, you must know pleasure.” I was like, my God. Women, we know nothing about our own pleasure. No one teaches us about our own pleasure. Yet we are supposed to take care of our husbands, our families, and our bosses. We’re supposed to be able to provide all of this for others. Yet we don’t do the investigation or the research on our own.

That inspired me to begin to research the courtesan and what that meant because I saw that there was a discipline of women at one time that prioritized uncovering the practice of what it meant to be a woman.

In that research, I located the work of Susan Griffin who wrote a phenomenal book, The Book of the Courtesans. In reading that book, I learned that it was actually the courtesan that gave rise to feminism. Why? Because the courtesans were living in a time when women actually had no political power, no personal power, except if you were a courtesan — then you were permitted to be educated. You were permitted to read books, write poetry. You were permitted to learn things: music, art, swordplay, riding a horse, things that were otherwise kept from women. Courtesans were permitted to own their own property and to go out in public dressed as they pleased.

The women who were wives saw that. They were like, “Wait a minute. We want that power. We’re actually angry that we don’t have that power.” Feminism was born out of the anger that started with the inspiration of these women who were living so large in a time when that was not likely or even possible for other women.

Because feminism was born out of anger, those aspects of the feminine were what were retained.

When you’re breaking through, it’s not just a glass ceiling. It’s a cement ceiling. All you can do is use your power to break it open.

Our early founding foremothers of the feminist — Susan B. Anthony, Lucretia Mott, Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman — all those women couldn’t afford to pursue or even pay attention to the art of the feminine. They were breaking through the ceilings that all of us are benefiting from now. Anger was the legacy of feminism. Now we have the capacity to pay attention to the majesty, the magic and the art of being a woman embodied and connected to her sensual fire and her sensual source. That was the secret of those courtesans.

It is so important for a woman to be able to dwell in the house of her desire. She can only stand in that from a life that is powered by pleasure. And by doing so she can create and invent solutions and make things into existence that could never have existed before, such as the New York Times bestselling book called Pussy, or world peace, or companies that will elevate and expand our ability to survive as a species. It’s phenomenal, the power of women — she who gives life.

Kristen:           Speaking of which, in a brownstone in 1998, you heeded the call…

Regena:           Once upon time, I recognized that women had no idea about pleasure. It was resulting in a lot of anger, a lot of self-doubt, self-hatred, and self-deprecation. All around me I saw a woman attacking herself, a woman not knowing how to create a true, vibrant partnership with her man, a woman mothering her children but left feeling worn out, drained, worn to a thread. I saw this happening not just with women who were career and working moms; I saw this happening with women that were full-time mothers. I didn’t see a woman who was not completely stressed and maxed out.

It’s an epidemic now where women are just working and working and not balancing, not even knowing that balance is possible or necessary. I thought, I have to do something to bring forward this conversation. I have to leave a legacy in this world. I have to have women understand who they are. So I started the School of Womanly Arts because I was a mama. I just had a baby. I just thought, “Okay. I’ll call it Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts.” I had no idea it was going to stick.

Then as things happened, somebody who had been taking classes mentioned me in a Vanity Fair article. The next thing I knew, Alex Witchel from the New York Times came to write this piece on me that was front page in the ‘Style Section’. The school was maybe a year or two old. Suddenly, I had 12 offers to write my first book. I went from a tiny 12-person class in my brownstone to today, where I just held a recent event at the Javits Center in New York City for a couple thousand women.

Kristen:           Can you give us a snapshot of what the experience of the School of Womanly Arts is like?

Regena:           It is the greatest education for a woman on this planet, which means it is both terrifying and irresistible. There is something that is not intellectual that provokes them to come. It’s almost like a calling. An intuition gets awakened in them that they must open doorways that have not yet been opened for them. They’re realizing the limitation of what the culture has taught them about being a woman. Coming to the School of Womanly Arts changes everything. Why? Because it teaches a woman to value herself in a way she has never been valued, teaches a woman to speak for herself in a way she never has.

Kristen:           First of all, she has to make a commitment of going and spending a weekend and doing something for herself.

Regena:           Oh my gosh, for most women, they have never done that. They have lived their lives in service to other people or obligations, but have never given themselves a weekend to pursue themselves and to ask: What do I want? What do I long for? What would light me up? What would bring me joy? How can I surrender to loving my emotional craziness or my emotional rage? How can I learn to really locate what it is that I was put on this planet to do with this life? What’s my legend and how can I live it?

There are so many people that have so many expectations of us and for us. Our parents want us to do certain things, to be successful or to demonstrate to them that they’ve been effective. Following what the culture has as expectations for women is very often quite limiting and crushes a woman’s dreams and desires rather than expanding them.

The school is really for a woman who wants more. She just feels like she is more than this. She wants to find out what that is and then live that.

I have women who come to the school because they feel like they haven’t been valued at their job. Or maybe they love their job and haven’t stood for being financially compensated for the work that they’re delivering. Maybe it’s a woman who has a book in her that she needs to write or some kind of business she wants to launch or maybe she is in a marriage that’s at a dead end. She wants to know whether she should complete the marriage or find a way to revitalize it. Maybe she spends so much time on her career that she hasn’t found love. She doesn’t know how to open that soft side of longing and attraction and desire inside of herself. Maybe she wants a baby. Women who long come to the School of Womanly Arts and they find sisterhood.

Kristen:           The energy in that room must be absolutely incredible.

Regena:           We had this amazing experience recently at the Javits Center. Because I had not done an event that was that huge before, I wondered how that would be. As it turned out, I would come into the room and women would already be dancing in the aisles. We were just so thrilled to be together and honoring an aspect of the feminine that hasn’t commonly been honored and hearing each other’s stories.

It is key to have a woman share where she has come from because most women have experienced abuse — either physical abuse, sexual abuse, or emotional abuse. They have been ignored. They have been overlooked.

Kristen:           Stuff it down, stuff it down, stuff it down. We don’t talk about it.

Regena:           Exactly. This is a place where we’re going to celebrate every side of you. Every side of a woman is honored to remind her that her voice is necessary and essential for this world to evolve.

Kristen:           Sign me up!

This past week, in honor of my birthday, I decided to gather an intimate group of women for dinner to celebrate. I hopped online and ordered 7 copies of your book to gift each of them — because I think this message is so vital.

Regena:           Thank you — and happy birthday!

Kristen:           It’s such an important conversation that serves an incredibly diverse population of women.

Regena:           That is so true. People always comment to me, “This is the most diverse room that I have ever seen.” It’s diverse in every way. I won’t take anyone younger than 18, but I have a lot of moms sending me their daughters or vice versa, daughters who come and then they bring me their mamas or their grandmas.

My mom, who is 92, helps. She works for me and she assists because sometimes the content of the class can be emotionally moving and stirring. You need to sit next to a grandma and just have her rock you in her arms for a little while. We have women of diverse economic backgrounds driving from the burbs in their station wagon or saving their cash in their change jar after they bartend downtown in New York City. Half the class is from Europe or all over the country. It’s women of all colors, ages, and sizes — all of us longing to live the fullness of who were born to live.

Kristen:           Often in this patriarchal culture, women have downloaded this awful belief that we see each other as ‘other’. You’re going to take my man. You’re going to take my job. Feeding into the notion that there is not enough to go around.

Regena:           Part of the content of the class is talking about sisterhood and reframing what it means to stand in sisterhood. I know it’s possible. My dream is to live in a world where every woman who looks another woman in the eye sees sister and stands for sister, wherever she lives, whatever country she is from, whatever her background, whatever her circumstance. We are all sisters.

When we live that way, we elevate. There is no question. That is a different place to stand in your life, a way to live that is not just personally gratifying, but elevates the conversation of what it means to be a human being.

Kristen:           You cracked me open in that final chapter. There is a passage that speaks to the power of the sister goddess activism: “A sister goddess promises to see a sister every time she looks in another woman’s eyes. She knows that no matter if she is under a burka in Afghanistan, sitting in a lounge chair at the Beverly Hills Hotel, crawling through rubble out of a recent bombing in Syria, setting her foot on a red carpet in Cannes, cleaning a bathroom, or running a board meeting at a Fortune-500 company, every woman on this planet is her sister. Everyone woman on this planet is a goddess.”

Regena:           Thank you so much for choosing that. I know that can happen in this lifetime. I know it can happen that fast.

Kristen:           I’ve also witnessed it with women who have gone through your school and your Mastery class. It’s a beautiful thing. As one sister goddess rises in her success, she’s got one arm back pulling someone forward with her.

Regena:           That is right.

Kristen:           I have been the recipient of those arms. And I have been inspired to do the same.

Regena:           Yes!

There is no greater pleasure actually than standing for another woman in that way. The difference is that we are standing powerfully in our pleasure first so that reach back is not from a sense of emptiness or mutual victimization or feeling like, “Oh, it’s a terrible world. I need to cling to you.” Instead, we are saying, “I am magnificent.”

Kristen:           …And so are you.

Regena:           We are in the act of recreating this world. I want you to experience your magnificence, too, so come on up here baby.

What happens as a result of that is something incredible. When you step into your radiance it creates the light for me to step into mine. I am able to step into a bigger version of myself because of you stepping into a bigger version of yourself.

Kristen:           No commiserating here.

Regena:           Exactly. It’s taking us each to an unknown place where our voices are heard, valued, honored. We are each living the legend we were born to live and making more space for other women to live theirs.

Kristen:           Women often sadly cut each other down. What about just owning it and strutting in our power and instead of walking down the street sizing each other up, glancing at another woman in admiration and acknowledge that she looks great. You go girl!

Regena:           That is living as a woman turned on. Turned onto her power, turned onto her voice, turned onto her body, turned onto her sensuality, turned onto her impact, turned onto the privilege of being a woman. That turns on other women. If you’re filled with self-doubt, you’re turning everyone onto self-doubt. If you’re filled with radiance, then what you’re doing is reclaiming not only your space in the world, but igniting other women to reclaim theirs.

Kristen:           So it’s no surprise to me that Dr. Christiane Northrup said, “Regena is a woman whisperer. She will wrestle a woman to the ground if need be, to get her to give up her resistance, and to own her desires and pleasure.”

I want to thank you for this wonderful book. I want to thank you for going there. I want to thank you for owning it. I want to thank you for the school and for all the women that you impact and all the future women that you are going to impact.

What’s the Mama Gena dream now? What’s your vision for yourself right now, for the women you know, and for the women to come?

Regena:           That’s a beautiful question. Personally, my vision for myself is about my new partnership with an incredible man. I love him so much. I could just cry. I feel so nourished and so loved. It already fuels me with even more of a space of generosity and a power to stand for women in an even bigger way because I’m being stood for so profoundly. I’m so looking forward to experiencing this spill over to the work I do.

I would love for the school to continue to grow in the graceful way that it’s been growing, and for Pussy to get into the hands of millions and millions of women internationally. Just for more of us to connect and stand in our radiance and continue to light up this magnificent world we live in.

Thank you for giving me a chance to be with your audience and connect with your women. I so deeply appreciate that.

Kristen:           Well, we are so honored to be here with you today.

____________________________________________

The post Interview: Regena Thomashauer | The Power of Pleasure & Reclaiming Radiance appeared first on BEST SELF.

Limited edition socially conscious products, curated for women who care

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Why? BeCAUSE being socially conscious always feels better! Membership boxes are all the rage these days, but the folks at Causebox have taken it a step further by creating a membership box for women that matters — one that’s filled with chic goodies that each tell a story while helping to create a better world. They care how products are made and who they empower.

1 box, 4x a year, limited curation of products from the leading socially conscious brands = a win/win for all. Doing good is always in style! #causebox

Learn more at causebox.com

You may also enjoy reading Woodstock Bring Your Own: Rethinking Consumption, One Bottle at a Time by Kristen Noel

The post CauseBox | Chic Goodies with a Social Mission appeared first on BEST SELF.

Carlos Leon leads a high-energy functional training class you can do anywhere, with no weights required, combining strength training, cardiovascular conditioning and flexibility. This video combines two 10-minute segments, but you can do as few or as many as you like.

Fitness and Spirituality With Carlos Leon

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Carlos Leon, the founder of the ‘Belleon Method’ and a new facility Belleon Gym NYC, is the real deal — walking the walk and talking the talk. His philosophy isn’t about trends, celebrity, flash or the workout du jour. It is about lifestyle. Since 16 years old, when he first witnessed family members dying off from things like diabetes and heart disease — he was determined to reroute that train and take a different path. One glance at his body and you will concur that he has succeeded in doing just that. And you will want what he’s having!

As a young man on a quest to figure this all out, at a time when there were only 2 vegetarian restaurants to choose from — he began connecting his own dots: body, mind and spirit.

A vegetarian for 25 years, he has dedicated his life to clean living. Now, at 50 years old, and the father to a 21-year old and a 2-year old, he sees no doctors, takes no medications, works out every day and knows that food is medicine. He has made the conscious choice to live vibrantly. And though he had to figure this all out on his own as a young man he now forges this path for his children.

Laughing, he tells us how his kids know that there is no junk at Daddy’s house: no sugar, no Doritos in sight — no fake food.

Perhaps the most remarkable thing about him is his groundedness and generosity of spirit. After only spending a few minutes in his presence, it was clear that 1.) The guy knows his stuff and 2.) He’s tremendously passionate about what he preaches (and teaches) — and is excited to share the love. He knows that his body is his temple, that connecting to our bodies is the most sacred act of self-love.

His new space exudes community, connection and access to his lifetime fitness wisdom. There are no airs, pretention or fashion requirements. The only requirement he has: Your willingness to show up for yourself. He is not a believer in there being only ‘one way’, but rather a more integrated approach, one of functional fitness. His ½ hour high intensity routines (which you can sample here) are about tapping into mobility, agility, conditioning, strength training, fat burning, coordination and muscle building. Hello? Who couldn’t use a healthy dose of that?

From now on, I’m just going to refer to Carlos as the ‘Body Whisperer’.

If you don’t take care of this vessel — where are you going to live?

Carlos Leon

Enjoy this conversation about fitness and spirituality with Carlos Leon and Kristen Noel:

To learn more about the Belleon Method or to work with Carlos, click on over to Belleon.

You may also enjoy Morning Yoga & Meditation for Energy, Awareness and Intention with Carter Miles

The post Functional Fitness Training With Carlos Leon | Belleon Gym NYC appeared first on BEST SELF.

Rothy’s shoes are lightweight, machine-washable, chic — and made from recycled water bottles

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A girl can never have too many shoes!

When do you hear words like recyclable, Earth-friendly, machine washable, flexible, blister-free seamless knit… and stylishly chic in the same sentence?

I love my shoes, but I also love my planet — with Rothy’s we can have it all; a fashionable, comfortable ‘go-to’ wardrobe must-have that takes both into consideration. They are made from recycled plastic water bottles, are hand-assembled, durable and can be thrown in the washing machine. And did I say as comfortable as slippers?!

Rothy’s are the accessory du jour for fashionistas around the world who want to not only look good, but want to feel good about their purchases.

Just another reason to take selfies of your shoes! Spreading the good word in style. #liveseamlessly

Learn more at Rothys.com

You may also enjoy reading Indosole: Sustainable Footwear Crafted from Used Tires by Bill Miles

The post Rothy’s | Chic & Comfortable Shoes From Recycled Materials appeared first on BEST SELF.

Danielle Laporte’s White Hot Truth — Paradoxes, Passion & Pursuit

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Thank the lies for showing you the truth.

Danielle LaPorte

Paradoxes. Passion. Pursuit. The human experience rolled up in the prose of the one-and-only Danielle LaPorte. I still remember the first time I saw her on stage — poetic badass in motion. It’s kind of like what another Best-Selfer, Jonathan Fields said, “When Danielle LaPorte writes (or speaks), there is nowhere to hide.” I second the notion. And then she isn’t afraid to dole out hugs afterwards (she had me at bear hug embrace).

White Hot Truth: Clarity for keeping it real on your spiritual path from one seeker to another, is hot off the publishing presses and is something worth celebrating. It’s a refreshingly real plunge into the complexities of self-help fatigue and ambition overdrive — calling out where we go awry.

And in Danielle LaPorte style, she goes there — digs deep and dives into the complexities of seeking. This book cuts through the crap — the myriad stuff we think, feel and ultimately second guess ourselves on. And all of this is wrapped in a beautiful package, like everything she creates.

Check out her video, Feeling Helpless About the State of the World:

A Provocation from Danielle LaPorte

True wisdom usually holds and transcends opposing points of view. Wisdom knows that there is always an exception to the rule, that there is a time and place, and that a case-by-case approach is divine protocol.

If you can comfortably hold your paradoxes, you’re going to be just fine. Because I’m suggesting that you:

1. Love yourself first and foremost and… Include the world in your loving (and then get off your ass and be more selflessly engaged)
2. Raise your standards and… Be more flexible and accommodating
3. Forgive and… Don’t forget
4. Honour spiritual traditions and… Be your own guru
5. Be open-hearted and… Have clear, strong boundaries
6. Be understanding and… Don’t take any shit
7. Have a vision and… Go with the flow
8. Trust and… Do the work
9. Get real and… Be idealistic
10. Be steadfast in your Truth and… Make all kinds of exceptions
11. Have strong preferences and… Be easy to please
12. Lead with your heart and… Your head
13. Own your extraordinariness and… Your ordinariness

Because it’s up to you and… we’re all in this together.

And hey, we have all the time in the world, but… this is urgent.

This excerpt is from Danielle LaPorte’s new book, White Hot Truth, Chapter 3: TRUTHFULLY SEEKING: How wisdom happens (hint: paradoxically)

You can read or listen to the entire chapter free by clicking HERE.

Download a printable sheet of paradoxes HERE.

You may also enjoy Interview: Danielle LaPorte | The Desire Map with Kristen Noel

The post Danielle LaPorte: How to be truly wise? Rock your paradoxes appeared first on BEST SELF.

Elizabeth Lesser

Lessons of the soul

Interview by Kristen Noel, January 5, 2017, Woodstock, New York

Photographs by Bill Miles

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

Rumi

Kristen:                  Hello, my friend. Thank you for sitting down with us today and for welcoming us into your beautiful home. I feel very grateful to have the opportunity to be able to sit with you to discuss this book, Marrow: A Love Story. This is truly an exquisite book. I cried. I laughed. I highlighted passage after passage. I also felt myself crack open as I was reading it.

Even though I knew of your journey to become a bone marrow donor for your sister, as I was making my way through the book I realized that this was about healing on so many levels. It isn’t a book about dying. It’s a book about living and as you so beautifully said in the prelude, it is a love story.

Elizabeth:              Thank you for those kind words.

Kristen:                  Before we dive in, I have to formally introduce you because I want to make sure that our audience knows of the incredible experience that you’ve had which has led to here. So, just bear with me as I gush about you a moment.

Elizabeth Lesser is a New York Times bestselling author of the book Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow. She is also the author of the Seeker’s Guide, her first book that chronicles the years at the Omega Institute (the renowned retreat and conference center in New York’s Hudson Valley), which she cofounded in 1977 when she was in her 20’s.

Prior to Omega, she was a midwife and a childbirth educator. Today, she has woven that rich experience into the fabric of her life, as a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a friend, a coworker, an activist and a visionary.

I had the delight of seeing you this past summer walking through a local farmers’ market hand-in-hand with your grandson — you appeared to be beaming in that moment. I recalled it when I read a line in the book where you said, “Thursdays are my Sundays in the church of grandparenting.” It’s a rich portrayal of quite a Technicolor Dream Coat life. And I’m thrilled that we get to chat today and to dive into some of it!

Elizabeth:              Thanks. I’m happy to be with you, Kristen. You’re just such a light.

Kristen:                  Well, thank you and back to you on that. Let’s start at the place where it all began, with KaLiMaJo.

Elizabeth:              Katy, Liz, Maggie, Jo who are the four sisters that I write about in the book. I’m one of four girls.

Kristen:                  Four sisters, four personalities, four lives converging under one roof. I think that sets the stage for us.

Elizabeth:              You talked about me being a grandmother — I’m now getting to watch two little boys be brothers because my grandkids live right here in town with me and I get to see them almost every day. It was really interesting writing a book about siblings and then watching them create this — the Cain and Abel story we all know as Westerners, depicting the love and the competition between siblings.

In Western psychology, we’ve put so much emphasis on the effect parents have on us. We do a lot of thinking about how this is because of my mother and that’s because my father. But the role of the sibling is powerful; your sibling is your first real ‘other’. Parents are too formidable to be your other. They’re like the God heads, but the siblings are these powerful beings in our life.

Kristen:                  We play it all out on our siblings.

Elizabeth:              Yes, from the very beginning.

Kristen:                  You have a great quote about siblings. “If you have siblings they will be your first teachers in this arena. They will serve you a confusing cocktail of care and competition, friendship and rejection, please forgive them for mistaking you as an invader.”

Elizabeth:              I’m not leaving out single kids, who don’t have siblings, because often you have that with your first friend. But there’s something about, as you said, living under the same roof with these ‘invaders’.

Kristen:                  Right.

Elizabeth:              That is comparable to every story in the world. Look at our country right now where we are all living under the same roof of America. We are each other’s brothers and sisters, but we’re busy competing, rejecting, hating.

Kristen:                  Invading.

Elizabeth:              In my own self-examination I have traced a lot of my capacity to both love and not love back to my early sibling relationships.

Kristen:                  This book is chock full of metaphors that relate to those experiences and healing. That’s why the word ‘healing’ came up to me, especially in this political climate, particularly in the world that we’re living in.

You had said that you wanted to write a book about the soul self, the authentic self, the true self — to explore why we forget who we are and how we can remember.

Everything started with a phone call informing you that you were the ‘perfect match’ to be your sister’s bone marrow donor. You spoke of how people started to tell you how brave you were.

I love this quote in the book where you said, “People have said I was brave to undergo the bone marrow extraction. But I don’t really think so. You have to be a miserable, crappy person to refuse the opportunity to save your sibling. But getting emotionally naked with my sister… THIS felt risky. To dig deep and to never express grievances, secret shame behind-the-back stories, blame and judgment wasn’t something we had ever done before.” And thus your journey began.

Elizabeth:              This is what we came to call our ‘soul marrow transplant’. We did the bone marrow transplant, which is a pretty gruesome experience. I don’t want to make light of it, especially for my sister, and to some extent for the donor. It’s an uncomfortable, painful, long experience. I was the perfect match for my sister.

Kristen:                  Were you all tested?

Elizabeth:              Yes. Siblings have the best chance to match, but there’s still only a 25% chance. The closer to all ten markers matching up the better the chance of it working — and all ten of ours did. It’s literally called the ‘perfect match.’ That was surprising to everyone in the family because my sister Maggie and I are not similar people. It also was a chance for the siblings to do what siblings often do, “Really, you’re the perfect match?” [sarcastically]

I did a lot of research into what that really meant and what might happen before, during and after the transplant. Should she even survive the transplant — and many people don’t because of the amount of chemotherapy you need — she still had several risks to face. One was that her body could reject my new cells. The other is that my cells could get into her body and say, “Hey, this isn’t where we live” and they could in turn attack her. That’s called ‘rejection and attack’ in the medical language. I thought, Wow. That sounds familiar, rejection and attack. Besides loving each other, rejecting and attacking each other is something she and I had done throughout our lives.

Because of my background in holistic medicine and the mind-body connection, I thought if we worked on our relationship we could model something other than rejection and attack and then help each other on a mind-body level. I proposed this to my sister who had a tendency to think everything I did was what she called ‘woo-woo voodoo’. She loved the idea because when your life is on the line…

Kristen:                  …You’ll try anything.

Elizabeth:              Absolutely. We found a therapist who bravely helped us. We only did a few sessions with him. We mostly did the work on our own, revisiting moments in our lives where we built up stories about each other and never bothered to check them out.

Kristen:                  That hit me like a ton of bricks, because even if it’s not with our siblings, we do that in our relationships every day. The truth is that we speculate about things. We make assumptions. We make up these stories and then we hold them as verbatim and we carry them around for the rest of our lives.

Elizabeth:              That’s right.

Kristen:                  I loved the way you described that the two of you were the perfect match when you were so very different in so many ways. You said you were the dissenter, Maggie was the peacemaker. “She was too little and I was too much. We danced this dance through childhood and took different forms at different ages. My bigness scared her, especially when I stood up to my parents, and her smallness aggravated me.”

And yet you both had this tremendous willingness to do this. On the 1^st day of your growth stimulation injections you also started your 1^st therapy session together. In a sense, you were cracking open both physically and emotionally.

Elizabeth:              It was all happening very fast because literally, if she didn’t have the chemo to prepare her for the transplant, she would have died within days. That’s how virulent her lymphoma was. We had to move very quickly with the testing, preparing me, preparing her. So we wanted to do this therapy session that might teach our cells how to behave and accept each other.

Kristen:                  To love each other.

Elizabeth:              Yes, it all had to happen simultaneously. We found a therapist somewhat near to the hospital in New Hampshire. He is a wonderful man. He later said to me, “I didn’t do anything. You sisters were so willing.” But he did do something. He’s like a shaman, actually.

Kristen:                  Tell us about what you had to go through physically — the process of becoming a bone marrow donor.

Elizabeth:              It’s unbelievably phenomenal and fascinating — and miraculous. Right now in your body — in my body and everyone who’s watching or reading this now — this incredible dance of life and death is going on. We have billions of cells in us and at every moment millions of them are dying and being replaced. At the end of this year you won’t have the same body at all. Your skin cells, your hair cells, your heart cells, your liver cells, your brain cells, millions will have died and been replaced.

We actually have many bodies throughout our life that are replaced and what replaces them are stem cells, and stem cells are born in your bone marrow. If you press on your hip you feel that big heavy bone; inside that bone miracles are happening. I know you don’t usually think of your hip as a miracle.

Kristen:                  We take it for granted.

Elizabeth:              Or you hate your body or think is not up to par, but it is a miracle. These stem cells are waiting in the deepest part of your body inside of your bones. They’re waiting for a message, “We need a new brain cell.” Millions of these messages are happening all the time. The stem cell makes its way out of the porous bones into the bloodstream and finds exactly where it needs to go and then turns into a brain cell, a hair cell, whatever your body needs.

For patients who have a blood cancer, the stem cells are not working correctly, so the solution is to wipe out all the bone marrow and replace it with millions of cells from a donor.

Kristen:                  We should also make note of the fact that you were named the Queen of Stem Cells.

Elizabeth:              Yes. They need a certain million cells and it can take up to two or three days…

Kristen:                  …And you took five hours.

Elizabeth:              I did.

Kristen:                  They try to get 5 million and you produced 11 million.

Elizabeth:              Yes.

Kristen:                  You were even bossy with your stem cells! [laughing]

Elizabeth:              It’s true… or prayerful or something… maybe bossy prayerful?

In order to spill extra amounts of stem cells into your bloodstream so they can harvest them, they give you this growth stimulant that makes you produce way more stem cells than you usually do. It’s actually very painful. Your bones ache. You feel like you’re going to explode from the inside out and this goes on for five days. Then you’re hooked up to this apheresis machine that takes blood out of your body and spins off the stem cells. Then they’re collected in this baggy, five million of them (or in my case 11 million) and then they are frozen until the time that the recipient can receive them.

Kristen:                  I loved when you described how you and Maggie sat together through the harvesting and how the nurses didn’t want you to touch the bag containing the cells. Yet, like two silly sisters, you playfully held it. Then you kissed it and she kissed it — and it became Maggie-Liz.

Elizabeth:              We called ourselves Maggie-Liz for the year after. Because of the transplant, literally every blood cell in her body was mine. She had no more of her own blood. It was all created through my stem cells. We were one physically, but also emotionally and spiritually.

Really, for the first time in my life, more than with my children or my husband or my friends, I came to know what ‘we are one’ really means. I had been saying those words for so long and yet I didn’t really know what they meant.

I came to understand that you can be your authentic self and one with another person’s authentic self. It’s a mystery. The more she and I put away our egos and emerged in love together, the more we also felt ourselves. It was quite something.

Kristen:                  Going back to your therapy with Maggie, I’m sure it was uncomfortable at first.

Elizabeth:              It was scary, and I have a lot of experience in therapy and workshops and counseling. I’ve done more self-help work than is probably legal, because of all of my years at Omega. [laughing] There’s something in us humans that is so afraid to be undefended. It’s as if we’ve spent most of our young years building up defense mechanisms. Then it’s really hard to let them go and to just to ‘be’.

Kristen:                  This probably leads into your ADD, which I think is really the essence. Would you explain that?

Elizabeth:              I jokingly say that ADD — which we usually think means attention deficit disorder — for me, when writing this book, it meant ‘authenticity deficit disorder’. We all suffer from it. We’re really afraid to show who we are to each other, not only our weakness, but also our strength and our beauty. We hide from each other. Just looking someone in the eyes can be scary. It’s really very sad.

Kristen:                  I think sometimes we make it more complicated than it needs to be.

Elizabeth:              We do that because we’re fearful just to do the simplest thing. My sister and I discovered that in the necessity of cleaning up our relationship. We didn’t have the luxury of time to stay defended. It turned out to be much simpler to ask her things like, “When I got divorced, why did you reject me in the time I needed you so much? For a while you barely let me in your home, what was that about?” I’d never asked her that in 20 years.

Kristen:                  It easier to carry it around than…

Elizabeth:              …make something up about my own unworthiness, about her meanness. When she talked to me about the reasons that had happened, years of ‘stuff’ just went away. The reality is that it was about her own marriage, her own fear and that if she let me in maybe she’d have to look at her own marriage. I never imagined that.

Kristen:                  Because we make everything about us.

Elizabeth:              Yes.

Kristen:                  Half the time we’re so worried about what everybody else thinks about us, but they’re focused on their own stuff. It becomes this vicious cycle.

Elizabeth:              I don’t want the take-away from this book to be for people to think, Okay good, I’m going to go out and clean it up with everyone. She said it was easy and that we should do it.

In the course of writing this book, I did do a lot of practicing on other people, friends, colleagues, and I realized something I already knew: There are some people in our lives we can try to clean things up with, and I suggest trying with everyone — but you will get rejected by some people who are not ready to go there, don’t want to go there, don’t have the skills to go there, or are too defended. Sometimes it’s because this person doesn’t want to play with you and you can leave it at that.

Kristen:                  Share with us how you practiced this in little ways, for example, with a co-worker or a friend.

Elizabeth:              Let’s say I’d be in a meeting at work and feel that tingly sense of annoyance or wanting to blame someone for the reason some project wasn’t going the way I wanted it to. It’s about feeling that kind of stickiness, that edginess with another person, to sit with it and consider why s/he’s doing that. Further to that — to ask myself where I could be contributing to that.

I want to be able to address this in a way that will not be heard as some massive judgment, but rather as a true invitation to move to the next level of our relationship for the sake of our friendship, for the sake of the work. Dare I say, without sounding too grandiose, for the sake of humanity moving forward. I actually believe humanity moves forward in those small interactions just as powerfully as if you were a representative of the United Nations. Truly, if we’re going to move things, we need to start addressing those edgy things between friends and colleagues.

Kristen:                  Right here, right in this house, in this office, in this community.

Elizabeth:              That’s right. With your husband, with your child…find ways to invite them into loving conflict. We think conflict is something to be avoided, but down the road, avoiding conflict often actually leads to violence, to something that did not ever have to happen.

We saw what false news created in this election cycle. People believing stories that weren’t true. We create false news all the time with each other. Back to that conflict with my colleague, you can say something as simple as, “That meeting the other day — I didn’t feel good about what we were saying to each other. I think we could probably find a way to work better together. Are you interested in going a little deeper with me? You don’t have to say yes. Are you interested?” Most of the time people will be so touched that you took the time and the courage to invite something like that.

Kristen:                  It opens the door.

Elizabeth:              Yes.

Kristen:                  When someone simply says, “I’m sorry”, suddenly much, if not all, that anger just dissipates. Everything that you’re holding onto just goes away because you’re heard, you’re seen, you’re acknowledged, right?

Elizabeth:              Yes. Part of my work at Omega has been the creation of this Women’s Leadership Center because I know we all have the masculine and the feminine within us. A part of the masculine can never say I’m sorry. It’s just something built into the defensiveness in the masculine worldview of don’t give an inch. This is why I’ve been interested in bringing women into the leadership realm to correct, not to undo. There’s something so wonderful about the power of the masculine, yet also the feminine ability to communicate remorse and to take responsibility.

That’s what my sister and I did in the therapy sessions more than anything. It was actually quite shocking. It was, “That’s what you felt? I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it, but I do understand how you felt that.” All the way back to, “Why wouldn’t you sit next to me on the bus in elementary school” and responding, “Well, I wanted to be cool, to be with my friends. Did that hurt you?” “Yeah, it really did. In fact it wounded me on a deep level.” “I am so sorry. I didn’t know.”

It is so simple, but it goes the distance.

Kristen:                  We don’t have to wait for crisis to make this happen, to heal these kinds of things in our relationships. I was so touched by the prayers that each of you said going into the harvesting and into the actual physical transplant. The energetic love that you were putting into making this a success.

The therapist prompted you with one question: “What do you want to tell yourselves as you go into this harvest process?” You said, “May my cells flow like maple sap on a warm spring morning, may they give you sweet life, Maggie. May they keep you with us for many years to come.” Maggie said, “I don’t do prayers, it’s more like a wedding vow. The wedding of Maggie-Liz. I vow to make my body the field beyond wrong-doing and right-doing so that your cells know that they are home.”

Elizabeth:              It’ll soon be two years since Maggie died, so that really touches me. I think I’m farther along the path of letting her go than I really am, because little things like that memory can just bring it back.

Kristen:                  You described that Maggie-Liz year as one in which your life shrunk in ways that you couldn’t have imagined. And then, on the other hand, you said it was the most expansive, beautiful year of your life.

Elizabeth:              Yes. I learned a lot just from the act of letting go of everything except taking care of her for a long time. I learned what really matters. I learned how our culture is no longer set up for people to do this most important work.

Those of us who are mothers and fathers, we know how unsupportive society can be in helping us to be good parents because we’re all working so hard. It’s really tough to be a good parent and a good caretaker.

I didn’t know it was the end of Maggie’s life. I thought, she thought, and we all hoped that we were just nursing her. For a while it looked that way. The transplant worked. All my cells engrafted in her, she returned to her work and her life and her mate and her children. Then, the cancer came back. It wasn’t that the cells attacked or rejected each other. There’s always this chance that even if one cancer cell remains hiding somewhere, it can duplicate rapidly.

And that little cancer cell was hiding somewhere and started to duplicate. Once you’ve had a transplant, they can’t give you another one. She never would have survived it, so when the cancer came back she only lived for another month.

Kristen:                  You talked about something called ‘truth aches’ in the book. You said, “Ever since Maggie and I started to air our truth aches, I sense them everywhere.” Could you talk about that?

Elizabeth:              Yes. I love this concept that my friend Jeff Brown came up with, the term ‘truth ache’ — not toothache. It’s when you get very quiet and sensitive toward what’s really going on in you beyond your defensiveness. We’re all defensive. I’m defensive, just ask my husband. [laughing] Once you do this work, it doesn’t go away. We’re all defended, but if you can quiet those defensive voices in you, just sit and notice that the world is full of messages for you. They’re there all the time. They want to tell you the truth.

Kristen:                  The key is listening.

Elizabeth:              We don’t want to listen because if you listen, maybe we’d have to do something uncomfortable, so we move really fast, work a lot, eat too much, and drink. These are the things we do so that we don’t have to feel that ache of truths.

But if we can sit quietly, let them bubble up and aren’t afraid to feel the pain and discomfort of what our life is trying to tell us — we can make our lives so much better, so much more radiant and alive. Then we would no longer need the Band-Aids we stick over the truth aches all the time.

Kristen:                  Really just about getting underneath the pain.

Elizabeth:              It’s scary because usually a truth ache will reveal the path toward what would be better, but that path isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s really hard. My book Broken Open is all about listening to truth aches, because sometimes what wants to be heard is a huge-ass change.

Kristen:                  I was deeply moved by the passage ‘Strength to Strength’, which derived from advice a friend had given you during the transplant process. “Give from your strength and give to your sister’s strength. Don’t be the big sister helping the little sister. Don’t be the strong one helping the weak one. Don’t be the fortunate one helping the victim. Give from your strength to her strength, strength to strength.”

Elizabeth:              Yes. I’ve actually been thinking about that particular one a lot recently; it’s the opposite of stereotyping. Don’t look at that person through your lens whether it’s a sister who’s sick or whether it’s someone who voted for someone that you don’t believe in. Look for that person’s core. Try to relate not to their political belief, their religion, their race, their sibling pecking order — rather find the core. Find the soul of that person. Soul to soul.

Kristen:                  Right. Even with yourself. Not just the stereotyping of other people, but the stereotyping you do with yourself, the labels that we hold about ourselves.

Elizabeth:              That’s beautiful. That’s a nice way of looking at it too. Look for your own strength because you can’t do strength to strength if you haven’t first found your own.

Kristen:                  As you say, love is the bridge — “When we know and love ourselves down to the marrow of our bones, and when we know our oneness with each other down to the marrow of our souls, then love becomes less of an idea and more of the only sane way to proceed. We are one, we are many, and love is the bridge.”

I also wanted to talk about Maggie’s wonderful artwork — how you all came together to support her in her determination to complete this last gallery show before she died.

Elizabeth:              I do believe each one of us comes into this world with something to do. Sometimes it’s to be a seeker, to know one’s self, and the art of being. Sometimes people come in to be a writer or a therapist or a great parent, a farmer, or whatever. Maggie came in to be an artist.

My sister Maggie was a tough Vermonter. She raised and killed her own animals. She lived in the woods. She was a nurse practitioner, she was a farmer, she was a tough character. All the while, more than anything, she wanted to be an artist. She actually had a very successful craft business, but she never really knew she was an artist and a lot of the voices of my parents and having to make a living, amongst other things, kept her from knowing that.

In the year of Maggie-Liz, she allowed that voice of purpose to absolutely take precedence over everything. She didn’t want to do anything except this new kind of art she was playing with. She let everything else fall away and she was going to finish this gallery show that she had been commissioned to do.

When it looked like she was going to die, I don’t know where she got the energy, the strength and the clarity of mind — because half the time she had morphine in her, was really out of it, and was in tremendous pain. Her lungs were filing with fluid, but she would get up and go into her studio and create these huge pieces of artwork.

Kristen:                  Beautiful.

Elizabeth:              Really beautiful. Very different.

Kristen:                  Which you have printed here in the book and are just gorgeous [holding up inner book jacket].

Elizabeth:              Literally, two days before she died, she dragged her tiny little ass, I mean tiny — she was under 100 pounds — and insisted that we bring her to this gallery where her artwork was being hung for a show. She wanted to be involved in the hanging of it. She got herself down there and as soon as she saw that it was hung to her liking, she came home and prepared to die.

Kristen:                  In the book you have included ‘Field Notes’ — passages at the end of your chapters that were from Maggie’s journal. There’s one in particular that I would love to read, as this pertains to her artwork and to this final season.

“I’ve been tromping through the woods for 25 years foraging for wild plants and spring time ephemerals for my botanical artwork. I’ve stayed close to home in the Vermont woods, stopped along roadsides all over New England and travelled far and wide in the Alaskan forest and tundra. Now, it is fall, not my usual collecting time for wildflowers and green shoots, but I’m dying. I might not have time to wait for spring. Here in the autumn woods in Vermont, my heart leaps at the broken, eaten, rotting golden foliage and the many colored fruits standing straight up or lying on the ground to plant their seed. Life is so rich even as it prepares to die.”

Elizabeth:              I feel I never knew how much her soul was an artist. I never really quite knew that struggle in her until I watched it play out in a way that many people never get to do. To say, “Oh my God, this is what I have to complete.”

Wouldn’t it be great if we could know what we wanted to do from the beginning and not let all of the things stand in the way? Of course we need to make a living, of course we need to fulfill our roles as parents or children or whatever it is that we have taken on. But there’s always room for the soul to sing its song and it’s up to us to create more room for that before we don’t have the energy to do it.

That is what she taught me.

Kristen:                  I also feel this book is just full of so many ‘why waits’. Why wait to clean up our relationships? Why wait to dig for the soul? Why wait to do what we’re meant to be doing?

Elizabeth:              Yes. Even if you don’t feel like you actually relate to this idea of having been put here to create something, the proof is in how you feel when you do what you want to do on a very authentic level. It’s the deep yearning to express something in you. Everyone has that.

Kristen:                  There was one passage that speaks of Maggie’s regret where she said, “There’s only one thing I’m still chewing on, how I wasted so much time in my life not saying what I really meant, twisting myself into knots trying to make everyone happy.”

Elizabeth:              Yes. She really thinks that’s what made her sick. She really believed that there were many years where she twisted herself into so many knots that it set the stage for her to be sick. Who knows if that’s so, but that’s what she died believing.

Kristen:                  Knots create something. They create some kind of chaos in our lives, right? I was so moved by her words to you, to her family, on her deathbed, where she said, “Be lovers, love the earth and love each other, love comes first.”

Elizabeth:              It sounds so nice. We all spend a lot of time quoting people we love, like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. or Mother Theresa, the people we put up on pedestals. And they all talk about the Golden Rule: Love comes first, treat people as you would want to be treated.

Here’s the thing: We have to put our practice into motion — take it from our screensavers and our yoga classes and bring it forth. This isn’t a Pollyanna theory, and it isn’t always the easiest thing to do.

Love comes first. I took that as my marching orders from my sister and I try. I try, I fail, I try, I fail. But her words are guiding me.

Kristen:                  I try, I fail, I reset.

Elizabeth:              Especially when things get hard, as they currently are in our country. I have been an activist in my life. I’ve worked for a lot of causes and I actually believe right now that love is an activist’s choice because we’re in sort of a tribalized time in the country, us against them. I lived through the ’60s, but in my lifetime, it’s never felt so tribalized. Them, us, they’re bad, we’re good, and they’re saying the same thing.

This entrenched sense of us against them is what leads to genocide. If you’re a history student and you study Cambodia or Rwanda or Germany, you’ll see this is what happens. Demagogues get hold of a polarized populace. This is where we are now and the way to combat it is literally to try to love the other, to lead with love, even if you’re marching to do so. It’s what the great ones tried to do.

Kristen:                  We don’t have to be on the world stage to enact that change because, like you said, we can do it here in our house, here in our office, here in our community.

If it starts here, it trickles down — and that’s not a kumbaya notion, it’s real.

Elizabeth:              Yes, exactly.

Kristen:                  I’ll digress for a moment — In the book you mentioned there’s a question that no one has ever asked you in an interview and I thought that I would grant you that question: What two people, dead or alive, would you most like to be seated between at a dinner party?

Elizabeth:              I could answer that with lots of people, but the chapter you’re talking about in the book is called “Reading Anna Karenina for the third time”.

Kristen:                  Which is quite impressive in itself.

Elizabeth:              I did it because my father always read War and Peace once a year and I thought well, maybe I’ll try to do the same and read Anna Karenina. The first time I read it I couldn’t relate to it. The second time I read it, I was in the middle of getting divorced and I related to poor Anna Karenina, who was this woman having trouble in her marriage but wasn’t allowed to act on it.

The men were busy having all sorts of affairs, but she was supposed to stay married and it bothered her so much that she ended up (spoiler alert) killing herself under a train. In a way, to go back to what you said about my sister and how she said she regretted not saying what she felt, that was her story. She was Anna Karenina. She stayed married for way too long in a very hard marriage.

The third time I read Anna Karenina I kind of related to everybody. I had a bigger view of what Tolstoy, the author, was talking about. So, to answer your question, which two people, dead or alive, would I like to be seated between at a dinner party?  I’d like to sit between Leo Tolstoy and Gerda Lerner, who is a fantastic and overlooked feminist writer — one of my favorite quotes of hers is “we have to get rid of the great men in our heads and replace them with ourselves.” I’d like to hear Gerda ask Leo if he would have changed the ending of Anna Karenina if he were to write it today.  I’d like to know what he would say, given that now women are replacing the great men in our heads with ourselves. Maybe instead of killing herself, Anna would have spoken her truth and chosen a whole different way of life.

Kristen:                  You revealed how you were a seeker asking big questions from the time you were very young.

Elizabeth:              Yes. I’ve always been a seeker, but I also always had this penchant as a girl to say what I felt in my society of four siblings and one very strong father. He was definitely the king of our kingdom.

Kristen:                  Which you didn’t understand. There was a passage in the book where you said, I don’t understand in the house of women how he gets to make all the decisions.

Elizabeth:              I was born that way. I was always standing up to him, which made the other sisters very uncomfortable, because it made him uncomfortable and angry. I just came into this world with this personality that was like Hey, wait a minute.

Kristen:                  And then there is the line from Rumi about the field of love.

Elizabeth:              Yes, Rumi — the great Persian poet, the mystic, the founder of Sufism — says, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field, I’ll meet you there.” That’s the poem Maggie and I used in our therapy session. We wanted to meet in that field beyond ideas of you did wrong, I did right, I did wrong, you did right.

Kristen:                 My last question posed to you is in parting: What nugget would you give to the audience to propel them closer to embarking upon their own soul marrow dive — to guide them to that field of love?

Elizabeth:              First of all, thank you for asking such dear, beautiful questions and being who you are. Maggie said to me in our last therapy session, when I was beating myself up for something, “You know Liz, you don’t have to be perfect to be my perfect match.” I think we all resist going deep in our selves and with the other because we think we have to somehow reach this level of perfection before we could ever reveal who we truly are to the world.

Actually, that’s not what the world wants to see. When you see people’s perfected image on Facebook or something, how does it make you feel? It makes me feel like I’m such a schlump. I can never have a vacation like that, have a mate like that. I’m just a loser. But when you present your fullness, all your rough edges, all your kooky mess-ups, your bad thoughts — when you reveal that to other people, they’re like, “Ah, another human.”

Kristen:                  Because we connect in that space, right?

Elizabeth:              Right. It’s not that your strength isn’t real, but if that’s all you present, most people aren’t there, they can’t relate. So what Maggie meant was that we’re perfectly matched even though we’re both so raw, so undeveloped in so many ways, but we’re still perfect for each other.

So the thought I would leave you with is to be your perfect/imperfect self — and fly your flag with pride at just being human — just being here today.

Kristen:                  Has this propelled you to do more of this, to dig deeper with the rest of your family?

Elizabeth:              Yes, I definitely have, with two caveats: (1) Through trial and error, I have noted the people who want to go there and those don’t; and (2) Through honing an intuitive read of people and after excessive trying (because I’m excessive), [smiling] I’ve made peace with the fact that you can’t go there with everyone.

Maybe your sister is too wounded. Maybe your colleague is a closet alcoholic who’s so full of lying that he cannot meet you there. The good news is, however, that most people do want to go there.

Kristen:                  We all have unavoidable interactions with certain people — then what?

Elizabeth:              You ‘be’. To use the hackneyed Gandhi phrase — you be the change you want to see in the world. You be it. You be it with so much integrity and love. You be love. You be love with the most jerky people, and if they don’t want to go there, you’ve tried and the other people around will be inspired by your capacity to do ‘strength to strength’.

With the people in my life who do want to go there, I’ve been blown away by their courage and their capacity to meet me exactly where I am. My older sister and I got the fruits of what Maggie didn’t live long enough to experience. We have cleaned up our relationship to the point where I can’t imagine it better. The same holds true with my friends.

Kristen:                  Thank you for this love story. Thank you for today and for all the ‘be-ingness’ you have put forth into the world.

Elizabeth:              Thank you.

*Editor’s Note:

Maggie died one year after the bone marrow transplant. Her artwork lives as her legacy, testament to what is possible when we become who we were meant to be. For more info on the artwork of Maggie Lake, visit vermontbotanical.com

The post Interview: Elizabeth Lesser | Lessons of the Soul appeared first on BEST SELF.

Providing economic opportunity for women in Under-Served Communitites

—

Doing the right thing is always in style! Great fashion sense is the added bonus — giving new meaning to retail therapy.

The mission of Songa Designs International is straight forward: Songa, which means “the path forward” in Swahili, exists to create jobs for skilled women in under-resourced countries so they can earn their way to economic independence. And this design company is doing just that — advancing the lives of the Rwandan women who craft this artisan collection— all the while creating stylish ecofriendly fashion and home décor. Generational weaving tradition meets socially conscious fashion forward style. Can we say, Win/ Win for all?

You may also enjoy reading Girls Who Invest (Something Worth Investing In) by Bill Miles

The post Songa Designs International | Economic Opportunity For Women appeared first on BEST SELF.

4 words no parent ever wants to hear: Your child has cancer. That became reality for Richard and Diane Nares. While living in the hospital, though grateful for the tremendous support system around them — looking around they recognized that not everyone was as fortunate. And in 2003, after losing their five-year-old son Emilio, they decided to create a foundation, the Emilio Nares Foundation (ENF), to honor his life and to aid those journeying through cancer. They knew firsthand what others were experiencing.

When battling cancer, everything becomes a part of the big picture. Rides to and from the hospital for treatments become a lifeline. When Richard learned that many children of low-income households were missing these treatments due to lack of transportation — he stepped in, at first with his own vehicle, to provide dependable and reliable services. And thus a movement was created. Emilio’s Annual Impact: 162,000 hours spent in a van, 107,000 miles, 4,250 rides, 223 patients served, 2,300 appointments.

The Mission

To ensure no child misses a cancer treatment due to lack of transportation.

The goal

To bring “Ride With Emilio” to cities across the country. Southern California based today — nationwide tomorrow.

It’s of no surprise that in 2013, Richard Nares was named a Top 10 CNN Hero; watch the video below:

Today, as ENF continues to expand, in addition to providing rides they are providing:

• ‘Emilio’s Snack Bags’ — healthy snacks for long rides
• Family Resource Center — enabling families to connect with financial aid, employment, legal aid, housing, food, and other vital community services.
• Creating for Hope — Guided knitting and sewing circles for patients and parents as activities to reduce stress and promote healing.
• Loving Tabs Healing Shirts — Specialty shirts created to administer chemotherapy through a child’s permanent chest catheter port without having to lift or remove clothing.
• End-of-life Child and Family Care — During the last weeks of a child’s life, assistance with funeral costs, family meal cards, emergency financial aid, end of life ceremonies and education.

Changing lives one ride at a time, our hats are off to Richard and Diane Nares and the entire Emilio Nares Foundation for stepping up to the steering wheel!

Our patients are family.

Richard and Diane Nares

You may also enjoy reading Interview: Kris Carr | Crazy Sexy Awakening with Kristen Noel

The post Emilio Nares Foundation | Ensuring Children Have Transportation to Cancer Treatments appeared first on BEST SELF.

This paying-it-forward company, The Giving Keys, creates purpose-driven products — imprinting words like love, believe, faith and courage — onto reused keys that stand as testament to what is possible. When we embrace ‘our’ word, we can then give it to another — and best yet, through this social impact employment model, every key you purchase supports job creation for people transitioning out of homelessness.

Every key is made with a purpose. Every key has a story to tell. What do you want yours to be?

Purpose, passion and panache!

You may also enjoy reading A Holistic Approach to Creating Wealth for Entrepreneurs by Steven and Chutisa Bowman

The post The Giving Keys : Employing the Homeless, Paying Inspiration Forward appeared first on BEST SELF.

Mike Dooley

Infinite Possibilities

Interview by Kristen Noel, October 22, 2016, Rhinebeck NY

Photographs by Bill Miles

“If the car’s in park…you’re not ready.”

—Mike Dooley

Kristen:                  Mike Dooley, you are certainly not in Florida anymore.

Mike:                       Nor in Kansas.

Kristen:                  But you are such a great sport to bring your warm Florida-blood into this rainy fall weather for our cover shoot.

Mike:                       Well, it happens to be the peak week of leaves changing colors, so I couldn’t be in any better place. It’s great to be here, rain and all.

Kristen:                  I want to start by thanking you for making the time to chat with us — taking the time from your world travels, product launches, speeches, workshops — and of course from sending out those daily messages to a current following of 700,000+ ‘Tutters’.

Mike:                       Woo-hoo!

Kristen:                  Let’s go ‘Tutters’! Even my manicurist knows who you are.

Mike:                       Are you kidding?

Kristen:                  She always asks me, “Who are you interviewing next?” When I said, “Mike Dooley,” she lit up and said, “Wow, Notes From the Universe, TUT.com.”

Mike:                       Oh my gosh. That’s so cool.

Kristen:                 There you go. You’ve made it.

While you are a New York Times bestselling author, speaker, and entrepreneur with an official title ‘Life Adventurer’ — I feel what’s most interesting to talk about is the story behind the ‘Life Adventurer’. I want to talk about the man behind the messages — and by messages, I’m talking about the Notes from the Universe, which you have, remarkably, been putting out for 15 years! That is a story in itself.

Mike:                       Yes.

Kristen:                  Before we get into all of this talk about the Universe, I wanted to reel it back. As I was researching, you stuck me as quite an enigma. I was thinking about it in a right brain / left brain, traditional / non-traditional, corporate world / spiritual vortex, feet on the ground, maybe a little bit woo-woo kind of way. You said that you were raised in a relatively traditional way, but at 13-14 years old, you were asking big questions.

Mike:                       I’ve always kind of been drawn to the fringe, and I’ve always wanted answers, although at 13-14, I wasn’t really trying to figure out the nature of reality — but I was thinking about stuff like time, infinity and space.

Kristen:                  That’s big thinking for a teenager, don’t you think?

Mike:                       You know, it wasn’t really so bold. I mean, in addition, I was trying to find out about Big Foot and UFOs — stuff that has always hinted to me that there’s a lot more going on than we really have the pulse on. I wanted to know that stuff. I would get books on hypnosis and hypnotize the neighborhood kids. It was silly.

Kristen:                 Were you using your powers for good? [laughing]

Mike:                       I didn’t know any better. I was just dabbling and I do remember some fleeting conversations with my mother. The big question was about God and Hell. I wanted to understand how there could be such a place in this amazing world.

How could God not be able to see beyond the fact that virtually any and all sins are born of mass confusion?

How could God not see the circumstances of someone’s life that contributed to their actions? God could surely recognize that, and thus there couldn’t be any such thing as Hell. How could anything not be of God, by God, pure God?

Kristen:                  Like you, I was raised in a traditional Catholic upbringing, so there was a lot of dogma that we had to unpack, right? You started asking your mom these questions, and you’ve stated that she began to feed you some books. Was there a specific event where it starting to connect for you?

Mike:                       I don’t know why I was always so curious about those things, but I don’t think it’s that unique, really. In a way, the dogma was almost a gift, because for any kid who’s thinking a little bit there are such glaring contradictions. I joke that I escaped. I am not a Catholic today, or of any religion, but the dogma was so ridiculous, so insane, that there’d be a ‘devil’, and ‘hell’, and that God wasn’t able to rehabilitate people, and so on.

Kristen:                 And that you were condemned to a fate.

Mike:                       Oh yeah, and that you’d be tested, judged, and sentenced by what, a sadist?

Kristen:                 It just never made sense to you?

Mike:                       It was bothersome. Then, on my own, it got me wondering about time, space, God. That’s kind of where my mind went, and then I had a mom who was amazing, a big reader, and a best friend kind of mom.

Kristen:                 It’s great you were having these conversations at that young an age.

Mike:                       Even then, she was at a loss for furthering the conversation, but she agreed. But on Sunday she still made me go to church.

Kristen:                  At least there was a space created for you to have those discussions, which is more than you can say for a lot of people.

Mike:                       Totally.

Kristen:                  You did continue on a traditional trajectory, because you went on to college, a corporate job, and became an international tax specialist. As I was reading that it got me thinking of the juxtaposition of frat parties and big spiritual talk. How did that all work out for you in college?

Mike:                       For me, it was always about the practical. I never was pursuing spirituality for spirituality’s sake. I had no interest in doing anything of service. To me, I really had a bad vibe regarding that version of service. Coming from the church, they’d say put the needs of others before your own, which even then, to me, was counter-life, counterproductive.

We didn’t come here to live for other people, and I hold to that to this day.

I’ve warmed up to service, but I call it ‘selfish service’. I do it when I want, because I want, because it’s exciting. The idea of planting an idea, like a seed, in someone’s soul, or their heart that will one day, eventually, give them new thoughts, a new life, that will bear fruit, that will ripple out into improving other people’s lives. There’s nothing more intoxicating than being of service when you’re ready, and once you’ve taken care of things at home.

How can I have the most rocking life? I want to be rich. That was my perspective then. There’s nothing wrong with rich, and certainly nothing wrong with fun. I wanted to have fun. I wanted the girls to like me.

Kristen:                 Did you have fun in college?

Mike:                       I was an accounting major, [laughing] and it was so not natural for me. It was like torture, but I did have fun. I was in a fraternity and I did party. It was all the conventional things that one would hope for. But freshman year was a turning point as I was yearning for answers. I started to wonder: Why isn’t everybody talking about this? Why isn’t everybody wondering the same things as me? Instead, everybody’s on the treadmill.

I would go to prayer groups, even though I wasn’t inclined that way. I would go to the New Age bookstore. I would go anywhere looking for answers, and that’s when mom sent me a book, The Seth Material, dictated by Jane Roberts.

Kristen:                  Was your mother on that same path?

Mike:                       She was not at all, except that I think she thought that the church was extremely hypocritical. She had her issues with it, but yet we still went. She didn’t wonder as I wondered. She tried to help me with my questions to some degree, but because she was a huge, voracious reader, and I hated reading (still do for the most part), she was open to being a receiver of new ideas. I got this book in the mail from her with a Post-It note one the cover: You must read this. She would send me books by Louise Hay, Richard Bach’s Jonathan Livingston Seagull and Illusions.

These books, especially The Seth Material, confirmed my own inner suspicions and conclusions that I had drawn: Time is a totally bogus, illusionary construct and God is in all of us. Although, we get off track and people do some hideous things, everyone is doing their best.

At first, I didn’t read the book (The Seth Material) — all I saw was this strange lady in a trance on the cover. I thought mom had lost it. She said, “This lady goes into a trance, and her husband takes longhand dictation, and it doesn’t even need editing, and bam, they produce book after book after book. You should hear what Seth has to say.” I was like, Okay, stop everything. This is not right, mom. This is just the kookiest thing I ever heard in my life. She said, “Forget the source. Read what Seth has to say about reality, about consciousness, about the power of our thoughts, about the before and afterlife realms, and why we chose to be here.” I was like…

Kristen:                 [sarcastically] Okay, mom….

Mike:                       Yes, but then I did read it. It just blew my mind, confirmed these ideas, and then created dots I never could have formulated on my own. It was literally the answer to all of my pining and pain at the time.

Kristen:                  Did you feel isolated? Did you have other people that you could speak to about all of this?

Mike:                       I felt like I was on the outside looking in and that everyone but me knew what was going on — that I somehow didn’t get the instruction book. Everybody at college seemed to be so hip and cool — and I was just faking it.

Kristen:                  You did kind of walk between the two worlds in a way?

Mike:                       Totally. But then I recognized, Okay, so our thoughts become things. It’s an illusionary world; we get what we think about, our words give us wings. This is how I’m going to live a rocking life.

Kristen:                  You are famous for three words: thoughts become things.

Mike:                       Well, thank you. I’d like to think that’s true. I’m sure I’m not the first person that said thoughts become things, but I’m the first person I knew of, and I’d never heard it from anywhere else.

Kristen:                  But you were living it before you were saying it.

Mike:                       I still say in my books now that I know very, very little about very, very little, but I know enough to know that I am the eyes and the ears of God, as we all are. That my thoughts become things, that I’m here by choice, and that I can live deliberately and create consciously for the rest of my life.

I’ve been working at mastering that since I was an 18- or 19-year-old freshman at the University of Florida. But I told myself that first I have to get out of school and get past these bloody accounting exams.

Kristen:                 Why go through the accounting exams? Why become a tax specialist?

Mike:                       Well, I think there was enough sense in me to not think that, “Okay, the Universe is going to live my life for me.”

Kristen:                  This is an important point, because this is where I think people sometimes get caught up thinking the Universe is going to take care of everything while they sit by waiting idly. How do we pair the magical thinking and action steps? How do we align the dots?

Mike:                       There’s a lot of old-school wisdom about taking action, and being the early bird, although it goes too far. There are enough worms for all the birds and opportunity never stops knocking — contrary to that painful notion that it only knocks once. What if you missed it? What if you slept in? What if you were hung-over? Your life could be curtains because of that mistake. The reality is so much more lenient, and loving, and embracing. It’s a reality we have to stoke, we have to program, and we have to make it happen. There’s the phrase, something to the effect of pray and move your feet.

Too many people might think, Well, I’ll let God do it, but God put you here to do it.

Yes, our thoughts do become things, but the best analogy I’ve come up with is GPS navigation. Step one, have an end result. In that instant, the system knows how. You know what you want, the destination. Define the what, the end result, not the how do I get there? Don’t insist on the cursed ‘hows’ — how your dream will come true. Let divine intelligence figure that out.

Kristen:                  Give us a specific example of how someone would go about this. For example, lets say, the dream is to publish a book.

Mike:                       Okay, so define your dreams in terms of the end result. You want to get very, very clear. First of all, either you’ve got to have something to say, or you’re a storyteller. I don’t know of any other reason why anybody should write a book. It should not be for the money — or that you want it to be a bestseller. I would caution that you’re hinging your happiness and your definition of ‘success’ by whether or not Oprah and five million people buy it. That’s not really fair to you. Do it because it excites you, because you’re passionate about it, because you love the creative process.

Once we’ve found an end result that you’re in alignment with, then get really clear on what it’s like on the other side of the fence. Come at it from the point of having already written something that thrills you, not that thrills the world.

Create a picture in your mind of the finished product — the book in your hand. You can feel the weight of the hundreds of pages. Imagine thumbing through it. Recall the discussions with the editor about various passages, design layouts, etc.

Kristen:                  You’ve been through this fourteen times now.

Mike:                       Yes. Then, you imagine hearing congratulations, or receiving a surprise email from somebody who was affected by your work. You see your book at Amazon.com. This is before you even put pen to paper or power up your laptop.

You see yourself at a book reading, a book signing, speaking from the platform, taking it even further. That’s a great example of going beyond the dream. The only way that you can be in a world beyond the dream is if the dream came true. Define the dream in terms of the end result, and then define your life afterwards, which implies that the dream came to pass. This is a super powerful exercise.

Step two, like GPS navigation, if your car is in park, the system is designed and wired by geniuses to not to help you, because you’re stating that you’re not ready.

Kristen:                 I love that, if the car is in park…

Mike:                       …you’re not ready. You can’t have a dream, champagne and caviar, bestselling book, and then be doing nothing about it. You have to do something about it. The instant you put your car in gear, the whole system flies into action and you are guided to the right path.

But most people don’t put their car in gear because they don’t know how their dream will come true. You’re not supposed to know how!

That’s too much for the human mind. Your mind is meant to assess what you like or don’t like in your life. Create pictures around it so that you get past the lions, and tigers, and bears — living a life where the dream has already come true. Then, the system knows exactly how to get you there. It’s already considered every road, detour, alley, speed limit, and traffic delay. It knows, but it won’t speak to you until your car is in drive, and then there is no wrong way.

Kristen:                 Why are we getting so tripped up?

Mike:                       Oh, there are a million and one great, understandable reasons. We need to have a lot of compassion, and a lot of patience with ourselves — not always the easiest things to do. You and I, for example, were raised in the dogma of Catholicism — taught that we were born broken, sinners that need to grovel and seek redemption for the rest of our lives and walk a narrow line that no human being could ever walk. We’re absolutely steeped in this by the time we are a young adult.

Right away, that is working against us. But I cherry-pick the Bible big time. Anything that gives you comfort, empowers you, enables you — go for it. The story of the prodigal child is one of my all-time favorites, because it reveals how on a dime, your entire inheritance can be restored — the instant we ask the hard questions and clue into the truth.

I do know that tomorrow’s a blank slate, that I can write my own ticket. When somebody gets that, they bypass all the dogma.

Kristen:                When did you know that?

Mike:                       I came to know this while still in college. I wasn’t going to abandon my degree in accounting. I intuitively knew, as I think we all do, though we sometimes kid ourselves — nothing’s going to happen unless I go out there, and knock on doors, and do something. I wanted to leave college with an accounting degree so that I could ultimately be a wheeling, dealing, freestyle entrepreneur — global domination, baby!

Kristen:                How long were you practicing accounting?

Mike:                       I was at Price Waterhouse for six years.

Kristen:                 Did it light you up?

Mike:                       I respected the accounting profession immensely. I have the highest regard, particularly for Price Waterhouse. I learned so much. It was a great experience, but no, I never felt like, I really love this profession; however, I loved the people.

Kristen:                  There was this whole other side of you.

Mike:                       Yes, but by the sixth year I was feeling, I’m going to die here.

Kristen:                  When did you finally say, okay, enough is enough?

Mike:                       After six years working in the field, travelling the world and just feeling like this is so not who I am. I remember thinking, Look, no one’s coming along and saving me from this ivory tower. I’m going to force the hand of the Universe, and I’m just going to quit.

I had just been promoted to manager, and they could hardly believe that I turned in my resignation. No one believed that I really didn’t have a plan. I had no idea what I was going to do next. I just figured, I’ll move back to Florida, where I grew up and where some family was, and there I will be recognized for my awesomeness. That didn’t happen. [laughing]

Month after month went by. I was sure it was the biggest, worst decision of my entire life. Finally, my mother tried (and succeeded) talking some sense into me. She said, “Look, your little brother, Andy, just got out of art school, and he’s getting royalties from t-shirt companies, and you’re the unemployed CPA. Why don’t you guys team up and launch your own line of t-shirts, do the trade show circuit.”

Kristen:                 This was TUT?

Mike:                       We launched TUT, and then mom joined us.

Kristen:                 TUT stands for?

Mike:                       In the beginning, it was just the name of our logo guy. Everybody said, “What does it stand for?” We said Totally Unique T-Shirts, and everybody laughed. Then, we evolved into selling all kinds of other souvenir items, so it became Totally Unique Thoughts, because all of our designs had words, poems about life, dreams, and happiness. Now, twenty-five years later, it has evolved into The Universe Talks.

Kristen:                  When and how did that happen? At some point, you had taken over, right?

Mike:                       The t-shirt business came about kind of against our will, because nothing else showed up, and it was better than doing nothing.

Kristen:                Was it better than accounting?

Mike:                       At first I had my doubts, but then it took off. We had an amazing ten-year run. By the end of the ten years, the trends were declining. We had bought my mother out. We said, Let’s just liquidate. Once that was done, it took six months to wind it down. And then I was like, What have I done? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? I was almost forty years old.

Kristen:                 Life wasn’t so magical at that point.

Mike:                       Life was not magical. This was the dark night of my soul. It was really bad. No career momentum. I didn’t want to go back to corporate, didn’t want to go back to entrepreneurial. What other realms are there?

Kristen:                  That’s one of those critical moments where you stand at a crossroads and when decisions can be made out of fear. Fear could’ve easily led you back. You could’ve said, “Okay. I tried this thing. It’s not working, and it’s back to corporate America for me.”

Mike:                       Well, I have to admit, I did polish off my accountant’s resume. I was totally lost.

Kristen:                  The Universe was probably screaming out to you, “No! Come back!”

Mike:                       No one would give me an interview and the whole process made me nauseous. I was like, Look, this isn’t who I am. I was willing to risk my life savings to give this a shot.

At that time, I really craved inspiration, so I started to put my own Post-It notes, or Louise Hay quotes, around my house. I remember thinking, I wish I could get an email, unexpectedly, at different points of the day, perhaps when the walls are closing in, to say, Stay the course, thoughts become things, dreams come true. Then I thought to myself, you know what… I’ll send those out!

We had a small database of people who had signed the guestbook in our retail stores, so I had some email addresses. Remember, this was about 1999 or 2000, so email and the Internet were a novelty. We had dial-up connections back then, but it was adequate to create a webpage that supported sending out free emails. That wasn’t going to pay any bills. Frankly, I was terrified. I was literally praying at the side of my bed, Catholic-style, every night during this period.

Please, show me the way. I want to be happy again. I had this dream of wealth and abundance, creative, fulfilling work, international travel, and I was going to do what I could with what I had from where I was. Everything I did failed, but it coalesced into setting me up to act on a suggestion to do a joint venture launching a self-improvement audio program (which was a joke, given where my life was at the time). We launched it and soon, I was selling it to my peeps.

Kristen:                  Fake it until you make it.

Mike:                       Yes. My partner couldn’t sell it for his life. He bailed, left me with the program on my own before we had even finished the first recording. This was after a year of sending out free emails and failing at everything I did, from pedaling my resume to internet shopping carts.

Kristen:                 However, you somehow stayed the course.

Mike:                       I was desperate and scared for my life and thinking, How did this happen? Am I going to lose my home? What if I can’t figure this out in time? I just hope I’m not deluding myself. And I hope that a tunnel will show up soon, that I can look for a light down the end of it. It was bad.

In hindsight, you can look back on the trail you’ve tread and see that there was just miracle after miracle after miracle. While treading you see nothing. It’s all just bad. Nothing makes sense. You self-doubt. You worry, but you stay the course, just like GPS navigation. The car has got to be in gear. You might be driving for hours, destination unknown — but you have to go on faith. And when you get there you realize that every turn was spot-on perfect, couldn’t have been better.

In life, you don’t know that you’re on the right path until the dream comes true, which means it could be days, weeks, months or longer.

You could be on the verge of quitting because you don’t see results. It’s essential to keep showing up so the tide can turn and the pendulum can swing.

In my case, I feel like the Universe would have said, “Mike, I got your prayers. I see you on your knees. I’m going to send the reinforcements — but it’ll be about two or three years.” If I had heard that I would’ve been like, What? I can’t wait that long!

Kristen:                  What happened to instant gratification?

Mike:                       There were glimmerings of hope after the first eighteen months. I had started to feel like the audio program might work out. It was about two or three years in when I literally realized, Oh my God. This is it. I am living the life of my wildest dreams. I’ve got an Internet company. Products are now selling. I’m giving speeches. I’m traveling the world. The database is ballooning.

I remember thinking, it seems like yesterday I was badmouthing my life and complaining to my mom that I hate speaking, and asking, When are things going to change? It wasn’t until I heard somebody similarly complaining to me about their life that I had this epiphany as I thought, Wow, that sounds so familiar. That was me not long ago.

Kristen:                 Did you start shifting the things you were saying to yourself?

Mike:                       I was always working on that, but I have to confess that I was a worrywart, operating in fear, and I would have these ugly fantasies of losing my home.

Kristen:                  Okay. Let’s stop there for a second, because I think that speaks to the collective human experience. I think that a lot of people that are reading this can relate to that place. Perhaps they know, “This is my passion. This is what I want to pursue, but all that chatter is what’s bogging me down.” What do you say to that?

Mike:                       What served me really well is that I do not believe that you have to know what your invisible, limiting, self-sabotaging beliefs are. Conversely, if you go on that wild goose chase looking for what is invisible — you will be bogged down, overwhelmed and in need of a team of people to figure out what’s ‘wrong’ with you. You’ll start making stuff up that wasn’t even wrong.

Kristen:                 In effect, you are reinforcing it.

Mike:                       Right. You’ll say, Well, it must be that I wasn’t worthy. It must be that thing mom said when I was seven, when dad smacked me across the head, and when this, or when that…etc.

You do not have to know how you got where you are. Where you are is never who you are.

You’re infinitely more. What matters is figuring out how life works. I know that I am a creator. I knew I wasn’t there to be tested, judged, and sentenced. I just need to work those dreams more and do what I can with what I have. Show up, go outside of my comfort zone, and nothing is going to stop me except death.

Kristen:                  You have come to this remarkable place. Do you have hiccups?

Mike:                       I have challenges. We all have challenges. They are these great, divinely inspired invitations to be even more awesome than you presently are. When you get that, you can roll with them. I don’t have depression. I don’t have bad moods that last more than a day. They show up once every six months.

Kristen:                 Did you have them previously?

Mike:                       I never had clinical depression, but I was bummed out with where my life was, and I was angry, and I was very prone to bad moods, and extreme impatience. I still have stuff, but it’s minuscule, just part of the many other wonderful things about me.

Kristen:                 Does that feel like a different person?

Mike:                       Yes. Now, it’s with the fondest of my memories that I recall ‘old Mike’ in the house sweating because he wouldn’t run the air conditioner, because he was afraid he’d burn through his life savings. I think fondly of myself staying the course when it seemed so pointless.

Kristen:                 You weren’t parked. That’s the most important thing, right?

Mike:                       I wasn’t parked, and that is so key.

Kristen:                  Let’s talk about the Notes from the Universe (daily inspirational messages) for a minute. We all get bombarded with things. My inbox blows up every morning. I’ve got a lot that comes in, and I unsubscribe to an equal amount, but for fifteen years you have been putting these messages out. They have been coming into my inbox for as long as I can remember, and are delightful. That is testament to the car not being parked.

Mike:                       I’ve always tasked myself, even in the beginning, even when I was doing it for only 36 people on my list. I always thought, Mike, you better write something, and it better be good, or this is going nowhere. I never thought, Well, I’ll just dream, and I’ll write, and the Universe will connect the dots. The initial emailed Notes from The Universe would often take me 6-8 hours to write a little, teeny paragraph, and I hated that. Then, they’d be good, and I’d be like, Yes!

Kristen:                  They’re good, because you love them. And I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I think that you’re still very passionate about them.

Mike:                       I am.

Kristen:                  If you didn’t love them, we wouldn’t love them.

Mike:                       So many people will ask, “What’s the marketing behind it?” My response: Just be your own best version of awesome, and everything else will fall into place. To do that, allow a little woo-woo, mix in a little logic, and a little blood, sweat, and tears. Go to functions, conferences, go to some websites, do some research, read some books, print some business cards. Get out of your comfort zone, and you can’t fail.

I’ve always been into reinventing. The Notes From The Universe has been a constant and they’re still free. Now there are 14 books, 4 world tours, DVDs, and video courses, training programs, certification programs. I speak in jails. We raise money for charities. We have raised over a million dollars.

Kristen:                  Your body of work, and basically everything that’s coming out of TUT, is really dedicated to sharing this message, and to empowering others.

Mike:                       To say I’ve dedicated my life is kind of flattering, but it sounds more noble than what I feel like I’m doing. I want to have fun. I want to make a difference. I want to do it my way. I’m going to use a little logic and intuition to make these roads blend and dovetail, so that I can achieve all of these objectives, because it’s fun, and because it’s what I want to do. The day it’s not, I won’t want to do it, and I won’t do it. I’ll find another way.

Kristen:                  We would feel it, though. We would feel it in the messages, right? Don’t you think, that there’s got to be this authenticity that comes through?

Mike:                       Yes. Totally.

Kristen:                 How do you feed yourself? What supports you?

Mike:                       I like feeling like I did a good job. It’s not always fun getting to that place. The different talks I’ve given, a lot of in-house presentations, my books, they’re hard work preparing for your time on the stage, or the printed finished manuscript, but that’s still what floats my boat the most — doing good. I don’t mean doing good in the world. I mean doing a good job.

Part of it might be ego gratification, although I don’t really need to hear it from other people. I just need to know that I really hit that mark. That is one of the biggest thrills, and experiments, and adventures of my life, aside from being a newlywed and now a father to a 2 ½ year old.

Kristen:                  I wanted to ask you how that has changed your life, your business, and your vision for the future?

Mike:                       I don’t think it has changed my professional ambitions of doing great work and helping connect dots for people. I’m more sensitive now because I have this daughter who I dote over and blows my mind every second I’m with her. I’m home way more than I’m away now.

Kristen:                 This fills your well.

Mike:                       Yes, totally, and I hope I fill her well. I think of how fortunate I’ve been in my life with loving, guiding parents. The majority of people in the world don’t have what I was blessed to have. I’m super mindful of that. I want to help.

I can help foster the development of programs, either through my office or through my certified trainers, that will reach children, that will reach inmates, that will reach every walk of life.

The majority of the world doesn’t know these truths that we know: that life is beautiful, that we are powerful, that we’re loved and adored and have never been judged.

People don’t know that. They carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. They feel like bad people. They feel like they’re not good enough. They just don’t know the truth, that they are the eyes and the ears of God. That’s my message, and that’s the best I can do to help, in my own little way, to make it a better world, so that future generations have more truth, more guidance, more possibilities.

Kristen:                  What is your dream for your daughter and her generation?

Mike:                       Well, a lot of it would be very conventional. I would begin with wanting her to be highly responsible. I would like her to be self-sufficient. I would like her to be happy and joyful, more than anything. I believe it takes a village. We all have to be involved. We have to carry our weight. We can’t slough it off to our parents, or to the Universe, or to Tinkerbell. I’d like to say, Roll up your sleeves. Let’s do this. It’s awesome. It’s fun to be alive, to get your hands in the dirt.

I want her to have a really strong sense of her ability to live the life of her dreams and to make a difference in the process. Because whether or not you’re a teacher, or an author, or a speaker, or a facilitator, every single person makes a difference in the world. They make the greatest difference when they follow their heart, and they do their best, and they live responsibly, and thereby, they enrich the lives of their immediate family, and the ripples go on for ever and ever. I want her to be one of those people who does her best to live a passionate life, no matter what she does.

Kristen:                  I often say to my son, who is sixteen-years-old: Pursue what you love.

Mike:                       You cannot sit on the sidelines and wait until your dream job comes to sink your teeth into it. If you don’t know where your passion lies, fine. Assess your options, choose the least sucky, and go and be your all. Then, your passion will appear.

The other thing that I feel a yearning to put into the mix of what I’ll share with my daughter, beyond the conventional, is a huge spiritual awareness that everything is God, everything is special, everything is magical — bring that into work, responsibilities, showing up, and knocking on doors.

Kristen:                  Don’t you think our children remind us of that?

Mike:                       Now, I do. I don’t want her to forget, like we did.

Kristen:                  Mike, you were blessed to have a mother who created this sacred space for you to explore possibility. And now, with the work that you’re doing and the things that you’re creating and putting out into the world, you are doing just that for others. This is a great legacy.

Mike:                       I’ll let my descendants worry about that. I’ll be onto new adventures.

Kristen:                  Thank you for sitting down and having this adventure with us today.

Mike:                       Thank you. This has been fun! You’re doing awesome work.

Kristen:                 Rock on, and don’t park the cars!

Mike:                       No parked cars, not around here.

The post Interview: Mike Dooley | Infinite Possibilities appeared first on BEST SELF.

Healthy food donations to improve the health of the hungry

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Let’s face it — the majority of food drives, while well-intended, focus more on quantity than quality. Why can’t we focus upon both?

Welcome SuperFood Drive — an organization committed to giving the gift of health. Dedicated to elevating and transforming the way we think about, and contribute to food drives — and to ultimately improving the health of the hungry. The statistics of those dependent upon food pantries are staggering. The accompanying health issues of those individuals, alarming. Highly processed foods, high in fat, sugar, sodium and chemicals perpetuate a vicious cycle.

Perhaps the next time you go to grab a can off a grocery shelf to donate to a local food drive or pantry — reflect upon how nourishing it is. Will this feed someone on a deeper level, spark something within them to know that they are worthy of healthy, good food and that healing is possible?

Kudos to SuperFood Drive for addressing the unhealthy elephant in the room. Let’s follow their lead. Let’s give consciously. Let’s transform the food banks within our local communities and beyond. Let’s raise the standards one nutritious donation at a time!

To learn more about finding a healthy food pantry, hosting one, educational programs for youth and beyond — check out their site for resources. Find ways to create small shifts with large impact. Let’s do this together.

The opposite of hungry is not full — it is healthy.

~ Ruthi Solari, founder of SuperFood Drive

You may also enjoy reading Sharing Our Light In Service to Others and, In Turn, Ourselves by Anita Neilson

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Protective blankets to shield vital organs from everyday radiation

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There’s no escaping technology, but there’s also no reason to not raise our awareness of everyday radiation exposure — and do something about it. Belly Armor has created apparel and accessories that shield with 99.9% effectiveness. We often take for granted how many devices we are surrounded by throughout the day — between our smartphones, IPads, laptop computers, microwaves and even cell towers.

When I first came across the Belly Armor blanket, I saw a pregnant woman shielding her unborn baby (which made perfect sense). It instantly occurred to me that not only do unborn fetuses need shielding, but perhaps so do our internal organs as well. Ponder that the next you have your laptop resting on your belly!

Check out their site for tips on how to avoid radiation and for some products to protect yourself.

You may also enjoy reading ElectroSensitivity: When the Modern World Hurts by Alison Main

The post Belly Armor | Radiation Protection Blankets appeared first on BEST SELF.

It is often in the moments of setback that our best selves are challenged; here are 4 tips to help

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Aaaah Life. Somehow you’re always Johnny on the spot with metaphors providing us with opportunities to take a read of our emotional wellbeing. There’s nothing quite like traveling or should I say, travel hiccups, to do just that in real time. Can you relate…been in a train, plane or automobile of late?

Last week, all jazzed and energized to fly out west to a conference in glorious Santa Barbara (in which Best Self Magazine received a ‘Modern Publishing’ award — woot woot!), we decided to try something different. In an effort to reduce driving time to big airports on both ends, we opted for flying in and out of smaller local airports. That however required taking 3 flights (crazy, I know — but have you ever driven from LAX to SB in rush hour? Suddenly those 3 flights aren’t looking so bad after all, are they?). Suffice it to say, I think I’ve set the stage for the potential unraveling of a smooth itinerary. Do the math: more stops = more room for error and lost luggage, right? And can we talk about carry-on luggage for a minute? Accomplishing that was no small feat in itself. Ha! But I digress.

Our trip started out on a gloriously sunny crisp fall morning — no hitches, no glitches…until standing at the gate about to begin boarding, suddenly our perfect travel day bubble was burst — flight cancelled. Not delayed. Cancelled. A collective moan arose from the crowd. Luckily I had been standing before the ticket counter when this went down so I was first in line to begin the rerouting process, come what may.

In that moment, despite the mental dialog that started unfolding — OMG, what are we going to do? We have 3 flights! What about our dinner plans? Will we even get to CA today? — I was resolute in my determination to stay calm.

I was so calm in fact, despite my mental gymnastics, that I completely surrendered, took a deep breath and stood there smiling at the ticket agent as she frantically typed away and made calls. A woman standing next to me decided to take an entirely different route and began carrying on, slinging sarcastic remarks, insults, complaints, huffing and puffing – you get the picture. Kind of an adult having a meltdown generally reserved for toddlers. And the caveat to that, before we get all ‘judgy’: let’s be real, most of us have been ‘her’ at one point or another to some degree. Her behavior did, however, snap me right out of my reverie, and made me conscious of exactly what I didn’t want to do and what I didn’t want to feed: frustration, resistance, anxiety and unnecessary angst. Man, the poor sister was swimming in it.

As I stood there observing and absorbing her energy, it made me all the more resolved in my stance. 1-2-3 deep breath. As a long line collected behind us, our respective ticket agents scrambled to reroute us. Mine wasn’t going to be easy – 2 people, 3 flights — but voila. With a little bit of doing, she made it work and I couldn’t help but observe that right next to me, my fellow traveler who was unraveling emotionally, wasn’t being met with the same fate. In fact, I overheard her say that she was going to miss her event entirely.

Now, I’m not saying that it was her ‘travel karma’ or completely the result of her emotional meltdown…so much of what we contend with on a daily basis is out of our control, or not a direct result of anything we did or didn’t do. However, we do get to decide how we want to show up for the party each and every day. We do make conscious steps in the moment to resist or rise — a frustrated life in bumper-to-bumper congestion going nowhere or one in the fast lane, all green lights.

We find ourselves in situations all the time where we get to choose.

Here are 4 simple tips and reminders of how to avoid unnecessary emotional chaos:

1. Ground Zero: In the bigger picture of life, this has nothing to do with travel logistics. This is all about you. What shape are you showing up in — rested and well-nourished or stressed and frenzied? Our self-care provides our baseline for how we meet life. You may be thinking, what does self-care have to do with travel? You can do the math here. See the connections?

2. Reality Check: I know we all think that the circumstances of our lives are the most important things in the entire Universe. News flash – there’s an entire solar system orbiting around us. Travel delays are a 1^st world problem. Don’t fall down the emotional rabbit hole over something that isn’t life-threatening. A little perspective is a great re-router.

3. Tools: Bring your consciousness along and keep it real. Become a curious observer of the process. Freaking out doesn’t change the outcome, it only makes the ride bumpier…besides, it’s a complete waste of time. Clearly we need to feel what we feel, but calmly processing it all will serve not only you, but those around you.

4. Glass ½ full: Have a little faith that it all works out – perhaps not exactly as you had planned, but often times we look back and can see things with a different perspective: a rhyme or reason you hadn’t expected may suddenly make sense, maybe even make you feel grateful.

Life isn’t all about moving at frenetic speeds from point A to point B. Enjoy the journey. It also provides us with the canvas to paint our outcomes — travel delays, disappointments, upset and all. It’s the human experience, folks, and we’re all in it together, in all of its messiness and glory. So how do you want to navigate the ride? Are you the ‘stay calm and travel on’ type or the ‘freaker-outer’? Hmmm.

Smooth sailing my friends. Oh, and remember to pack your best self for your next trip (the most important item in your carry-on)!

As always, I love hearing from you — please let me know one occasion you recently felt your ‘face off’ in the comments below.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][vc_column width=”1/6″][/vc_column][/vc_row]

The post Resist or Rise: 4 Tips For Facing Off With Your Best Self appeared first on BEST SELF.

Jonathan Fields

The Good Life

Interview by Kristen Noel, September 12, 2016, New York City

Photographs by Bill Miles

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Do stuff that matters.

Jonathan Fields

Kristen:           About a year or so ago, our paths almost crossed professionally. At that time, I didn’t yet know who you were, but I was intrigued. As I do, I started in on my research. And I have to say — you had me at trampoline.

Jonathan:         [laughing] Apparently we have a lot of people at trampoline.

Kristen:           To clarify for our audience, I just want to explain that there you were jumping up and down in a video. Looking straight at the camera you said, “I’ve got to talk to you about something really serious.” In that moment, you completely had me with your whimsy, your playfulness, and your down to earth sensibility. I had to know more.

Your bio feels like a roadmap leading to the culmination of this new book about to released, How to Live a Good Life: Soulful Stories, Surprising Science and Practical Wisdom. New York City dad, husband, award-winning author, speaker, media producer, camper, serial entrepreneur, and founder of the mission-driven media and education venture, The Good Life Project.

Let’s begin with your telling us how the son of a hippie, potter mother and a mad academic father goes on to become a corporate attorney and ultimately a man jumping on a trampoline…

Jonathan:         …in bare feet.

Kristen:           In bare feet, guiding thousands to live purposeful lives.

Jonathan:         Yeah. It’s interesting because I turned 50 this year. I’m at a point in my life where it’s like that famous Steve Jobs’s quote, “You connect the dots looking backwards.” You have to have lived enough of life to actually have dots, to see how they weave together.

Kristen:           I love that.

Jonathan:        I’ve started to reflect a lot and wonder what has been the throughline with all of these things that I have done. When I was a kid, I was an artist. I made my pocket money painting album covers on the back of jean jackets.

Kristen:        Do you think we’re hardwired to be entrepreneurs?

Jonathan:         I don’t think we’re hardwired as entrepreneurs. Actually, I don’t even love to use the word ‘hardwired’ anymore, because there’s so much rewiring that can happen. I think a lot of us are predisposed by the time we reach adulthood. We’ve wired ourselves in a way where we’re more comfortable living in a place with sustained uncertainty.

I wasn’t one of the people wired to sit comfortably in that space. I’m breathed by creation and the creative process, but I always suffered pretty greatly along the way. It took me many decades to really understand what I needed to do to be in that place.

Kristen:           Well one of our writers, Nan Tepper wrote, “I got here as fast as I could.”

Jonathan:         Yes.

Kristen:           You practiced law.

Jonathan:         I did, which was a bit of an aberration for me because I was also an entrepreneur as a kid. I was always figuring out ways to mix craft and entrepreneurship to earn a living. I figured I didn’t know if I’d practice, but I knew it would give me a great set of skills no matter what. It gave me the opportunity in a career that I stayed in for about 4-1/2 years — but it was also during that same window of time that I actually ended up in the hospital in emergency surgery with an immune system that essentially shut down.

Kristen:           Your body was like, “Hello?”

Jonathan:         Yes. I had been working maniacal hours, with huge levels of stress, sleeping very little. My lifestyle habits were absolutely atrocious. My nutrition — nonexistent. My movement — nonexistent.

Kristen:           How old were you?

Jonathan:         Right around 30.

Kristen:           Right, when we still think we’re invincible.

Jonathan:         My body basically gave me a wake-up call when a huge infection literally ate a hole through my intestines from the outside in.

Kristen:           That got your attention.

Jonathan:         It was time. It took me close to a year to work my way out of it and into the world of entrepreneurship and wellness.

Kristen:           Was there a pivotal moment in that hospital room? Did you think, I can’t go back? I can’t do this anymore?

Jonathan:         I knew that this was not my future. There was also the awakening to the fact that I had no interest in the carrot that was being dangled in front of me.

I don’t knock that career at all. It just wasn’t mine.

When I realized that I didn’t want to go where it was leading me — and that the day-to-day life was destroying me — the decision was made for me. I also understood that I was going to take a huge financial hit. It was going to take me time to save up enough money to make my next move, which would lead me back into entrepreneurship, learning an entirely new industry from the bottom up and initially making almost no money. But I had a plan.

I told myself that in 9 to 12 months, I’m just going to save as much as possible. I’m going to try and take care of myself as much as I can. I didn’t want to launch into this next place from a place of scarcity and desperation.

Kristen:           That’s another thing I love that you convey in your book: The yin yang of pairing practicality and magical thinking.

Jonathan:         I’m at a point in my life where I live in New York City. I have a family to take care of. We like to live comfortably. I don’t want to go back to a place where I go to zero. I know some people are okay doing that. I’m not. My exploration has been more of how we can find a way to not take the nuclear option and transition without mass disruption.

Kristen:           Let’s just say, being an entrepreneur is not for the faint of heart.

Jonathan:         Not at all. Just like being an artist is not for the faint of heart. Any time you create something from nothing, any time you invest a huge amount of time, resources, and love in something where you don’t know if it’s going to work, you don’t know how it’s going to end.

Kristen:           When you were lying in that hospital bed you told yourself, “Okay, I’ve got to shift this. Enough is enough and I’m going to do this on my own terms. I’m going to do it in a practical way.” What was your vision?

Jonathan:         That’s a great question. I’ve always been deeply fascinated by my body connection, by mindset, by psychology, by somatics.

Kristen:           Especially when you’ve made a hole in your intestine.

Jonathan:         Yeah, there’s that.

I was the person who even later in life would just lie on a beach with a kinesiology manual simply because I was fascinated by it. I was looking to find the intersection of all of these things. Entrepreneurship, mind, body, wellness. I just started studying up on it. I found trade organizations with all sorts of industry data to find out what worked, what wasn’t working, what was the state of the industry, where were the gaps. Then I went and I actually got my first certification as a personal trainer.

Kristen:           Did you ever have a moment where you thought, “Oh, my God. What have I just done?”

Jonathan:         [big laughter] Many. I wouldn’t call it a moment; I’d call it a span.

Here’s the reality check on this. I knew that I had a degree. I had a license. I was still a member of the Bar Association. If things blew up, I had a retreat option. I didn’t want to go there, but in the back of my mind I can’t deny the fact that I knew that I had a fallback.

Kristen:           You’re a logical thinker.

Jonathan:         Yes, logical thinker but also pretty risk tolerant at the same time.

Going back there would have been disastrous for me and for my health. I went from practicing law to making $12 an hour as a personal trainer. But I’m always fascinated at learning an industry from the most basic touch point of service so I can understand the human level of one-to-one interaction.

I want to understand: How can I serve better? How can I make a life better? How can I elevate and help people?

From there, you can build something different. That’s what we did. I went off and launched my first high-end training facility.

We took off very quickly because I looked at the industry and said, let me do everything that they’re doing — differently. I knew that somebody who is in the middle years of their lives, unfit and inflexible, might be uncomfortable walking into these other locations, even though they were great.

Kristen:           That’s a really good point. Even with a lot of these gyms and clubs, you feel like your body has got to be in a certain shape and you’ve got to be wearing a certain label.

Jonathan:         Right. It’s like, I’ll go once I’m already there — which defeats the whole purpose. When we started, the idea was to create a center where we kept the power of the practice, but lowered barriers to participation. We did that and then signed a six-year lease for a floor in a building in New York City. And let me set the stage when this happened: I’m married with a new home and a 3-month-old baby…and it’s the day before 9/11.

Kristen:           I was reading that and I thought, “Oh, wow.”

Jonathan:         Yeah. WOW.

We came close to not moving forward with the project. But my sense was that the city would need what we were about to create more than ever before.

So we went ahead and opened the place in the middle of November. It was located about half a mile from some of the big piers where many of the 9/11 relief workers were staged. People were literally walking around the city, not knowing what to do, not knowing where to go. They just wanted a place to be with others and be in a community to find some way to breathe.

We changed everything about our launch and opened up our doors to whoever wanted to show up for whatever reason.

Our message was: Come, don’t pay. The community embraced us. We grew rapidly. It was an amazing experience.

Kristen:           So, the million-dollar question: How do we live a good life?

Jonathan:         I have a couple of answers.

Kristen:           [holding up the book] A whole book of answers.

Jonathan:         One thing I discovered early on is that there is no single answer that is 100 % universal to every person. I’ve had the amazing gift to sit down with hundreds of people who the world might perceive to be the most successful people in almost every domain in life, and ask them this exact question. Very rarely has the answer been the same. It surprised me, to be honest with you.

But what I started to realize is there are big patterns that emerged. When I was trying to figure out how to craft my life in a way that was deep and meaningful, there was a question I always asked myself. If an opportunity came to me, whether it was to spend time with a person, develop a friendship, build a business, whatever it may have been — I would ask myself, Will this allow me to absorb myself in activities and in relationships that fill me up while surrounding myself with people I can’t get enough of? If the answer was yes, I was in. If the answer was no, I was out. Those activities were very often a blend of fierce creativity and fierce service.

That’s the metric that I’ve been using for many years. The idea of a good life basically being a blend of what I call the three different buckets: We are each made up of a bucket of vitality, a bucket of connection and a bucket of contribution.

Kristen:           You have this beautiful, succinct way of distilling a message. I kept coming back to something that you put very simply: “Do stuff that matters” and “Do epic shit.”

Jonathan:         Right. Make meaning.

Kristen:           You’ve come up with this great metaphor with the buckets. Everybody always talks about their bucket list as if it’s the end game.

You also alert us to the fact that buckets are vulnerable and can leak, so essentially, we’ve got to pay attention to all of them. If one bucket is at a deficit, it affects the other buckets. Right?

Jonathan:         Yeah. Nothing operates in a vacuum in our lives. Everything is interdependent. This is why I talk about, for example, your state of mind and your state of body as one thing. They’re part of a single bucket. For years, many of us separated those things out.

Kristen:           Let’s talk about the Vitality bucket.